WEBVTT - The Wire 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:10.880 Family Secrets is a production of my heart radio. When 0:00:10.880 --> 0:00:13.480 I wake up in baton rage after the accident, with 0:00:13.560 --> 0:00:15.720 a tube in my throat to help me breathe and 0:00:15.800 --> 0:00:19.680 my eyes burning, I will begin to learn. I will 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:22.279 learn that love is not always allowed a parade of 0:00:22.360 --> 0:00:26.400 a thing. It can be strong and silent. It is 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:29.160 not the throb of my name across the football field, 0:00:29.680 --> 0:00:33.960 but the low, tender call for me across the sterile room, 0:00:33.960 --> 0:00:36.400 a call from a person who knows they may never 0:00:36.440 --> 0:00:40.599 be heard, but chooses to speak anyway. It is not 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:45.280 the presentation of shiny crowns and shiny roses. It is 0:00:45.320 --> 0:00:49.000 the table filled with wrinkled petals and dirty water, the 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:51.760 flowers that people brought, not knowing if I would ever 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:54.960 wait to see them. It is not sitting on the 0:00:55.000 --> 0:00:58.920 sidelines in a nice sweater watching me blossom. It is 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:02.480 sitting by my side, disheveled and bare faced, watching me 0:01:02.560 --> 0:01:06.120 with her. I will learn that love is one person 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:10.120 becoming undone for another. It is being stripped of the 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:13.399 protective armor we've worked hard to fashion for ourselves to 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:18.120 become the armor for somebody else. It's standing naked and shivering, 0:01:18.640 --> 0:01:21.319 or for what scares us the most to honor what 0:01:21.440 --> 0:01:24.640 it is that we love the most. This is the 0:01:24.760 --> 0:01:34.400 love that will transform me. That's Ruthie Lindsay Speaker, podcast host, activist, 0:01:34.880 --> 0:01:39.679 and author of the memoir There I Am. You know 0:01:39.760 --> 0:01:42.360 that expression, God doesn't give us more than we can handle. 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:46.319 I've never liked that expression, and I don't really believe it. 0:01:47.400 --> 0:01:50.960 Some of us are given a lot just the way 0:01:50.960 --> 0:01:53.880 it is, and it's up to us to decide whether 0:01:53.920 --> 0:01:58.000 we can handle it. Ruthie's story is one of such courage, 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:02.640 the deepest reservoirs of ridge that served to transform confounding 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:06.560 pain and grief into something so bright it shines like 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:23.200 a star. I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family secrets, 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:25.840 the secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we 0:02:25.960 --> 0:02:29.280 keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves. 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:39.720 I grew up with older brothers on a farm in 0:02:39.760 --> 0:02:43.680 the middle of nowhere, and I had an older brother 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:49.200 that basically helped raise me, who just absolutely I was 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:54.400 his adored me. I never went a day without knowing 0:02:54.560 --> 0:02:58.799 that I was loved and adored. And you know, my 0:02:58.919 --> 0:03:01.880 dad's eyes lit up when I would walk in the room. 0:03:02.240 --> 0:03:06.800 And I grew up on the land, which I was 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:09.400 super extroverted. So there are parts of being out in 0:03:09.440 --> 0:03:11.079 the middle of nowhere that was really hard for me. 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:13.040 I'd go to town at my friend's homes and like 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:14.800 what I would do to be able to run next 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:17.160 door and play with a friend Like that sound like 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:22.000 the dream of dreams, But I'm so grateful to have 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:24.560 grown up in the middle of nowhere on this farm, 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:28.200 like my dad plowing our garden with a mule, and 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:32.520 just freedom to run outside in the woods and in 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:38.080 the creek all day long. I could run free and wild, 0:03:38.360 --> 0:03:42.640 and I think that's had such an impact on my 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:47.400 life today, like my love for mother Nature and how 0:03:47.520 --> 0:03:50.920 much she has become just really she is my medicine, 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:54.480 you know, And I think that was a gift given 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:57.920 to me from such a get go. My dad loved 0:03:58.240 --> 0:04:01.760 the land so much. She loved working the land, and 0:04:02.200 --> 0:04:05.240 you know, we ate out of our garden all summer long. 0:04:06.240 --> 0:04:09.600 And this was in South Louisiana. Is all right in 0:04:09.760 --> 0:04:13.560 South Louisiana and tiny little town called Saint Francisville, but 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:17.560 we were we were like fifteen minutes outside of San Francisville, 0:04:17.640 --> 0:04:20.240 so like the town's tiny with two red lights. But 0:04:20.279 --> 0:04:23.479 then we were fifteen minutes away from that just I mean, 0:04:23.800 --> 0:04:27.719 no neighbors, gravel road, you know. I was able to 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:30.359 like jump in my dad's pickup truck in like fifth 0:04:30.400 --> 0:04:32.520 grade and drive it up and down the road, and 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:35.159 I mean we were just we didn't own keys to 0:04:35.240 --> 0:04:38.279 our home, didn't own them, and I thought that was 0:04:38.320 --> 0:04:41.240 totally normal. When we'd go on vacation, we always left 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:43.560 the keys in her car, and I thought, that's just 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:49.400 what everyone did. You know, Tell me about your mother. 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:53.719 We have gotten so much closer as I've gotten older. 0:04:54.440 --> 0:04:57.960 She was moved from New Orleans to the farm. It 0:04:58.200 --> 0:05:01.479 was not her dream. She's very much a city girl, 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:03.359 and I think being out in the country was a 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:08.560 bit difficult. And she had a really painful childhood. She 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:11.520 was a child of alcoholics. Her mom died when she 0:05:11.640 --> 0:05:15.560 was very very young, and her dad married someone who 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:17.880 had been in the Holocaust, and so of course had 0:05:18.000 --> 0:05:21.400 her own issues and was also an alcoholic. And so 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:24.480 my mom was brought up with a lot of dysfunction, 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:29.240 but was so beautiful. I mean, my mom still, she's 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:32.240 in her seventies, and it's just the most stunning woman. 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:35.600 And so that at the time, especially back then, like 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:38.920 I mean now too, but that really got her out 0:05:38.920 --> 0:05:42.640 her beauty and that's what she knew, that's what everyone 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:46.440 told her she was about, you know, And I think 0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:50.839 that's such a disservice to all humans, but to a woman, 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:53.560 because it's harder to process that there's so much more 0:05:53.839 --> 0:05:57.159 to us, you know, when only praise you ever get 0:05:57.279 --> 0:06:01.080 is about how beautiful you are. And she is just 0:06:02.240 --> 0:06:07.560 she's such an amazing human and I feel so proud 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:10.680 of her and to be her daughter, because she's just 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:13.320 been on such a massive healing journey. I think because 0:06:13.360 --> 0:06:16.520 of all the trauma that she grew up with, we've 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:20.960 just gotten closer and closer as I've become an adult. 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:23.680 I think I was a lot harder on her when 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:26.760 I was younger, because you know, we're all just doing 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:29.400 the best we can, and she she didn't have a 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:32.479 mom growing up, and what she was able to do 0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:36.600 with what she was given is pretty spectacular. But there 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:39.280 was also a lot that was was hard, you know, 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:44.960 because she was human and she was hurt. And how 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:50.160 did your mom and your father meet? My dad was 0:06:50.720 --> 0:06:54.839 going to school to become an educator in New Orleans, 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:57.880 and to make money. He was bartending at this like 0:06:58.000 --> 0:07:00.840 cool kid bar in New Orleans. Um. He was just 0:07:00.839 --> 0:07:05.360 this larger than life presence. Mr Extrovert knew everyone, very charming. 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:08.599 And my mom was actually a flight attendant for Delta 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:11.720 based in New Orleans, so she was very rarely at home. 0:07:11.800 --> 0:07:14.040 She was always flying all over the place. And they 0:07:14.040 --> 0:07:19.240 were in the sixties, I mean wild. They had a 0:07:19.320 --> 0:07:22.480 mutual friend and said they should meet and connected theme 0:07:22.680 --> 0:07:25.000 and so my mom said yes, which she was pursued 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.680 by them all the time, I mean all the time. 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:32.200 And when he was getting her address to come pick 0:07:32.240 --> 0:07:37.040 her up. They literally lived in the same house. She 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:39.760 lived in the basement apartment of this house that was 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:43.440 broken into like three or four apartments, and he lived downstairs, 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:46.920 and they had different entrances, and because she always traveled, 0:07:47.240 --> 0:07:49.280 I mean, they never saw each other, but they lived 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:52.440 in the same home in New Orleans. I can see 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:55.040 like the movie version of this, right, her coming in 0:07:55.080 --> 0:07:58.600 the front is coming in the back exactly. And when 0:07:59.000 --> 0:08:01.800 she was pursued by so many that she just I 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:04.640 think she was just kind of like whatever. And then 0:08:04.840 --> 0:08:07.400 one night, just being kind of a punk, she brought 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:10.920 a guy to the bar that he was bartending, and 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:13.559 my dad just went straight up to him and shook 0:08:13.600 --> 0:08:15.640 his hand and bought him a drink, and like was 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:18.120 so unaffected by like, I mean also his pride. He 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:20.760 would never let her know that he cared. And she 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:23.560 started hanging out around the bar. And one night, she said, 0:08:23.640 --> 0:08:27.880 the shifting point for them was she saw my dad 0:08:28.120 --> 0:08:32.319 behind the bar get his eyes grow so big and 0:08:32.440 --> 0:08:35.640 just attack mode, almost and he jumped over the bar 0:08:35.760 --> 0:08:38.200 and went to the corner of the room. And there 0:08:38.280 --> 0:08:40.480 was this homeless guy that my dad loved, that he 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:43.080 was always feeding and taking care of, and I guess 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:46.280 his pants had fallen down or some idiot had maybe 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:49.160 pulled his pants down, and all these guys were drunk, 0:08:49.200 --> 0:08:51.480 guys were sitting around like making fun of him, and 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:54.440 my dad lost his mind and jumped over the bar 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:57.600 and like pulled up the guy's pants and beat up 0:08:57.600 --> 0:08:59.640 the guys that were messing with him and kicked him 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:02.439 out of the are And that was the turning point. 0:09:03.320 --> 0:09:05.560 She was like, that's the kind of man that I 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:07.439 want to be with, and she fell in love with 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:13.640 them that night. Ruthie grows up with her parents and 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:16.520 her brothers on their patch of land, their farm in 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:20.840 southern Louisiana. As she said, she could run free and wild. 0:09:21.600 --> 0:09:25.000 But then when she was seventeen, her life was changed forever. 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:31.400 In an instant, I pulled out on a major highway 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:34.200 in front of an ambulance and he hit me on 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:38.400 my car door going sixty five and broke three ribs 0:09:38.400 --> 0:09:40.520 and puncture my lungs and my lungs collapse and my 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:43.280 spleen ruptured. And then I broke the tops vertebrae in 0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:46.800 my next see one and C two. But the ambulance 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:50.280 driver actually knew how to stabilize my neck and not 0:09:50.400 --> 0:09:52.760 pull me out of the car, which I mean, you know, 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:58.720 there's no telling what would have happened. I should not 0:09:58.800 --> 0:10:01.040 be here. I mean literal percent chance to live, one 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:03.920 percent chance to walk. And they were able to get 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:07.600 me to the hospital and had to pretty immediately put 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.400 me on life support after they got the chest tube 0:10:10.520 --> 0:10:13.880 in and got my screen removed. After I was in 0:10:13.920 --> 0:10:16.800 the hospital about a week and off life support, they 0:10:16.800 --> 0:10:19.719 went in and did my spinal cord surgery where they 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:22.280 took bone from my hip and fused it into my 0:10:22.400 --> 0:10:26.040 neck and back. Then they used wire in spinal cord fusion, 0:10:26.120 --> 0:10:28.439 so they wrapped so you want to see two with 0:10:28.600 --> 0:10:32.200 wire with the bone. I was so lucky. I was 0:10:32.360 --> 0:10:34.839 young and healthy. I was a senior in high school. 0:10:34.840 --> 0:10:38.480 It happened on my dad's birthday. I left there with 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:43.200 a big neck grace walking after about a month able to, 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:47.480 you know, go back to school after Christmas. You would 0:10:47.480 --> 0:10:49.840 never know anything had happened to me. All my scars 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:52.840 are hidden from clothing, in my hair and besides this 0:10:53.000 --> 0:10:56.120 neck brace. I mean, you'd never know. And I at 0:10:56.120 --> 0:10:58.960 the time didn't really have any residual effects, like I 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:01.400 would get sore her if I danced too much. But 0:11:01.480 --> 0:11:04.920 outside of that, I was very disassociated. I would talk 0:11:04.920 --> 0:11:07.520 about it in third person like it had happened to 0:11:07.640 --> 0:11:09.840 someone else, and I always say, oh, yeah, it was 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:12.000 way harder on my family and my friends than it 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:14.040 was on me. I don't even remember it. I was 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:17.920 on life support and I love telling stories, so it 0:11:18.000 --> 0:11:21.080 was just a fun, crazy story to tell that I 0:11:21.120 --> 0:11:27.560 felt very disconnected from. So Ruthene daunted a pretty big bullet. Right, 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:31.960 She's fine, she goes on with her life. She's lucky, 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:36.160 she's in one piece. She isn't traumatized. She's just going 0:11:36.200 --> 0:11:39.000 to move on and dance and grow and enter the 0:11:39.040 --> 0:11:42.320 next phase of her life. She doesn't go to therapy. 0:11:42.400 --> 0:11:45.880 I mean, why would she. She's lucky. She develops an 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:48.880 eating disorder in college, her way of pushing the big 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:52.439 feelings down with food, but she really doesn't think anything's wrong. 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:58.000 There's this psychological term dissociation. Rucie will learn this later, 0:11:58.600 --> 0:12:02.320 in which we flow to away from ourselves, numb ourselves 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:04.839 so that we don't feel whatever it is that we're 0:12:04.880 --> 0:12:11.440 not ready to feel. Ruthie checks all the boxes. She 0:12:11.520 --> 0:12:14.040 graduates from college and gets married a few years later 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:18.240 to a musician, a drummer. She's mad for I just 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:20.400 believed everything was gonna work out great. You know. We 0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:23.240 bought our little home, We had all these dreams, all 0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:25.560 these plans, all the children we're going to have, all 0:12:25.559 --> 0:12:29.199 the children we would adopt. And one day, about a 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:31.520 year into our marriage, I was walking in front of 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:35.160 the store in this crazy, gnarly shooting. Pain went up 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.479 my neck and I remember thinking, either I've been electrocuted 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:42.720 or the shot, or you know, was I struck by lightning. 0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:46.760 I mean it was that severe and that debilitating, and 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:49.079 it dropped me to my knees, where I blacked out 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:51.040 for a second, and then I was left with black 0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:56.360 inky spots in my eyes and horrible, horrible migraine and 0:12:56.800 --> 0:13:00.440 terrified me, of course, and I started it going to 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:04.400 see doctors because that shooting pain started happening regularly and 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:07.439 more and more frequently. And every time I go to 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:10.160 a doctor, they'd have me do an m R. And 0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:12.240 when the film would come back, there would be this 0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:15.080 black spot on the film and they'd say, oh, that's 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:17.880 just the magnet and the machine interacting with the wire 0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:21.560 from your spinal cordfusion, because it would be directly where 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:23.520 the surgery was, and they be like, everything around it 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:27.720 looks fun. They started me in all these different therapies 0:13:27.920 --> 0:13:30.880 and nothing was helping, So then they started me on 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:35.120 narcotics because you know, I was not functional. I was 0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:39.720 in such severe pain, and of course I just didn't 0:13:39.760 --> 0:13:42.240 want to hurt all the time, so I took anything 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:46.080 they recommended. And that's just sent me on a very 0:13:46.120 --> 0:13:50.600 slowly darker and darker path. Like I stopped being able 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:54.560 to function, I stopped showing up for work. I eventually 0:13:54.559 --> 0:13:57.320 had to quit working. Um I was spending all of 0:13:57.360 --> 0:14:00.720 my time in bed, I stopped showing up as a partner, 0:14:00.800 --> 0:14:03.280 as a daughter, as a sister, as an aunt, as 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:06.640 a friend. And that was the gist of my life 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:11.640 for about four and a half years before we finally 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:17.440 figured out what was causing the pain. I saw a 0:14:17.480 --> 0:14:20.080 new doctor. I've seen so many at this point, and 0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:23.000 finally this one doctor said, Ruthie, I can't tell you 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:25.680 what's going on until I see what's underneath that spot. 0:14:27.040 --> 0:14:29.640 And I had never asked, you know, I didn't even 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:32.120 think to ask, but definitely was not an advocate for 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:38.359 myself at the time. And basically, this fifty X ray 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:41.280 showed that one of the wires from my previous final 0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:48.720 corn fusion had broken and pierced into my brainstem. Okay, 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:53.360 let's take a breather. Two Here a wire had broken 0:14:53.920 --> 0:14:58.480 and pierced Ruthie's brainstem. I mean, which is like your 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:01.240 reptile brain. If you're a I support, they're keeping your 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:04.960 reptile brain alive. It's like the basic functions of organs 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:08.920 and breathing. And I shouldn't be alive. I should not 0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:11.360 have brain functioning. I should not be speaking, I should 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:14.880 not be walking. And I'm the only human that's ever 0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:18.800 had that that we've can find any record of. So 0:15:18.920 --> 0:15:24.320 I'm so lucky to be here. So lucky. It's you know, 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:27.840 not once but twice, right, Yeah, had it not been 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:30.520 an ambulance, you know, had there not been someone at 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:33.160 the scene who knew what to do, had after all 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:37.440 those years you not have found the doctor who just 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:40.840 had the most practical let's do an X ray, you know, 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:49.160 after all this, So this is around two thousand nine 0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:54.760 when you have the knowledge of Okay, now this is 0:15:54.800 --> 0:15:58.520 what's been causing this excruciating pain, and there's a surgery. 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:01.800 I mean, I was essentially a taking time bomb. Right. 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:05.880 They couldn't believe that I was breathing, functioning, walking alive. 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:08.880 But insurance it was a pre existing injury and so 0:16:08.960 --> 0:16:12.880 insurance wasn't going to cover it. And my dad, who 0:16:12.920 --> 0:16:16.280 we called Papa, he I told my mom and my 0:16:16.360 --> 0:16:18.360 godfather that he was going to come see me to 0:16:18.480 --> 0:16:20.520 tell me that he was going to sell our farm 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:24.200 so I could have this surgery because insurance wouldn't cover it. 0:16:25.280 --> 0:16:28.160 And he, on his way to visit me, stopped to 0:16:28.240 --> 0:16:33.000 visit our Amish friends because we have Ammishers. He did 0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:35.320 everything the way the Amish did with his garden. They 0:16:35.320 --> 0:16:38.800 had raised his barns. He would get his animals from them, 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:40.920 and he went every two to three months to just 0:16:40.920 --> 0:16:43.160 work the land with them. And they became one family 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:47.040 down and it was just his heaven, his happy place. 0:16:47.720 --> 0:16:49.880 And we don't know exactly what happened because no one 0:16:50.000 --> 0:16:52.680 was with him at the moment, but we get a 0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:56.080 phone call that he ended up falling down a flight 0:16:56.120 --> 0:17:02.120 of stairs into the basement. It was just the craziest, 0:17:02.680 --> 0:17:07.000 just most freak accident. And I was already you know, 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:10.960 on so many drugs and so shut down and on 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:14.720 the highest level of finnel patch and taking all the drugs, 0:17:14.800 --> 0:17:18.960 and I just I had no capacity. I just shut 0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:23.199 down even more so. And I remember at the time, 0:17:23.600 --> 0:17:26.520 I did not know how to process hard things, so 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:32.320 I just numb myself even more. I just remember, you know, 0:17:32.359 --> 0:17:35.600 I would pinch myself until I would believe because I 0:17:35.640 --> 0:17:38.679 would just think, like, this is a nightmare. Wake up, Ruthie, 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:41.879 wake up. And now I can hear myself and the 0:17:41.920 --> 0:17:43.720 privilege and the thing that I'm about to stay. But 0:17:43.760 --> 0:17:46.680 I would say, this can't be your life. This can't 0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:49.720 be your life, This isn't your life, which you're also saying, 0:17:49.760 --> 0:17:52.480 this could be for someone else, you know, like this 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:55.040 could be someone else's life, but it can't be mine. 0:17:55.640 --> 0:18:02.040 Not Ruthie, lindsay, this is a nightmare. Ruthie, Wake up, 0:18:02.240 --> 0:18:07.000 Wake up. Ruthie is twenty nine years old. She's spent 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:12.280 years in excruciating pain, unnecessarily so, and is facing terrifying 0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:17.320 expensive surgery and now her beloved dad he dies of 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:19.920 his injuries. He had been on his way to try 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:22.840 to save her, literally to sell the farm to pay 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:25.640 for her operation. Was this going to be more than 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:30.560 she than anyone could handle? But then because of the 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:33.439 kind of guy her dad had been, his goodness and 0:18:33.520 --> 0:18:38.880 kindness comes back a hundredfold. The whole community rallies and support. 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:42.960 It wasn't just a loss for me and my family 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:46.119 he walked in the door. I'm telling you you would 0:18:46.160 --> 0:18:49.679 just want to be drawn into his presence because it 0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:53.080 felt so good. He made everyone feel like they were 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:57.040 the most special person that he knew. And when he 0:18:57.080 --> 0:18:59.160 would leave us, when he'd leave my brothers and all 0:18:59.200 --> 0:19:02.000 and her children, you say, I love you so much. 0:19:02.400 --> 0:19:05.040 Remember your manners and always look out for the little 0:19:05.080 --> 0:19:08.359 guy and his whole thing is he wanted us to 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:11.000 look out for the person that everyone else was missing 0:19:11.840 --> 0:19:15.440 and to enter in and like love them and serve 0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:18.600 them and honor them, not just notice, you know. And 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:22.200 that's how he lived his life. What was so beautiful 0:19:22.520 --> 0:19:26.760 in that time was my godfather ended up setting up 0:19:26.800 --> 0:19:30.359 this medical fund in my daddy's honor so that I 0:19:30.359 --> 0:19:32.280 could have the surgery because he knew that that was 0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:36.439 his last wish, and checks and let her started coming 0:19:36.480 --> 0:19:39.640 in out the wazoo because people would be like, your 0:19:39.720 --> 0:19:42.840 dad bought my prom dress, your dad sent me on 0:19:42.880 --> 0:19:46.360 my senior trip. Your dad bought our Christmas tree, your 0:19:46.440 --> 0:19:48.960 dad paid my rent, your dad got me into my 0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:52.440 first year of college. I mean, I'm telling you, this 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:56.000 list went on and on, and we did not have 0:19:56.359 --> 0:19:58.080 much growing up. It's not like we were in this 0:19:58.200 --> 0:20:01.960 wealthy family at all. My godfather, who was the president 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:03.640 of the bank, is like, yeah, he would take out 0:20:03.680 --> 0:20:07.080 loans so that he could do these things and to 0:20:07.160 --> 0:20:10.520 help other people, and that's just the kind of guy 0:20:10.560 --> 0:20:13.800 he was. And so because he had shown up and 0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:18.040 loved so many people so well, the full amount of 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:21.240 money was raised for me to have this surgery. And 0:20:22.160 --> 0:20:24.960 it's because of his love, his love for others, and 0:20:25.040 --> 0:20:28.359 his love for me, I was able to do this 0:20:28.560 --> 0:20:32.280 life altering surgery that I had to do to keep living. 0:20:32.920 --> 0:20:38.439 And it just felt like such a honor to be 0:20:38.560 --> 0:20:42.399 his daughter, you know, Like it's such a privilege to 0:20:42.560 --> 0:20:47.040 be Lloyd Lindsay's daughter. Like I feel so grateful to 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:51.560 have gotten to be raised, to have chosen him. I 0:20:51.600 --> 0:20:53.760 am such a weirdo, and I believe in past lives 0:20:53.760 --> 0:20:55.800 and all the things that I really believe. I'm like, 0:20:56.200 --> 0:21:00.119 I was so wise to choose that man to be 0:21:00.240 --> 0:21:06.000 my father. What a gift, you know. No, there's this 0:21:06.080 --> 0:21:10.720 moment in your book where you write about the last 0:21:10.800 --> 0:21:15.840 time that your father saw you. You were consumed with pain, 0:21:15.960 --> 0:21:20.960 living in your bed, hopeless, And I so identified with 0:21:21.000 --> 0:21:24.320 that because my dad died when I was young as well, 0:21:24.520 --> 0:21:27.760 and I was a mess. I was a complete mess 0:21:27.800 --> 0:21:30.040 when he died, and I adored him. And there's there's 0:21:30.080 --> 0:21:36.359 something about honoring a person by becoming the person, you know. 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:38.920 I've often written and often said that my dad became 0:21:38.920 --> 0:21:44.200 my north star and really has guided me ever since 0:21:45.080 --> 0:21:47.880 my asking him, what would you do? You know? How 0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:50.199 should I be? How do I get through this and 0:21:50.320 --> 0:21:55.760 internalizing that yeah, yeah, we'll be back in a moment 0:21:55.800 --> 0:22:09.080 with more family secrets. As a result of all the 0:22:09.160 --> 0:22:12.080 years Ruthie had been on pain killers, her tolerance for 0:22:12.119 --> 0:22:15.240 medication was off the charts. It took a lot of 0:22:15.320 --> 0:22:19.560 heavy duty drugs to make her even slightly comfortable. After 0:22:19.760 --> 0:22:24.280 she's successfully operated on at the Mayo Clinic, she's experiencing 0:22:24.359 --> 0:22:27.679 a whole new level of pain. The goal was to 0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:32.560 get her living, breathing, walking, but she's sustained severe nerve 0:22:32.600 --> 0:22:36.200 and spinal cord damage and feels a constant, burning pain 0:22:36.280 --> 0:22:39.640 like half of her is on fire. She walks out 0:22:39.680 --> 0:22:43.159 of the hospital a titanium screw where the broken wire 0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:46.600 had once been, holding that piece of wire in her hand, 0:22:47.880 --> 0:22:51.159 but then she goes straight back to bed and feels 0:22:51.160 --> 0:22:56.320 more hopeless than ever before. Ruthie spends years years in 0:22:56.400 --> 0:23:01.880 that bed, in terrible pain, medicated and then with sedith, 0:23:02.080 --> 0:23:06.719 a nasty bacterial infection. On top of everything else, her 0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:09.800 husband's away on tour more often than not, and their 0:23:09.840 --> 0:23:15.680 marriage is coming apart, and she breaks. Finally, she has 0:23:15.680 --> 0:23:18.400 a breakdown and moves back with her family, this time 0:23:18.480 --> 0:23:22.520 into her brother's house. She needs help badly. They all 0:23:22.560 --> 0:23:25.280 know it. But instead of going away to a rehab, 0:23:25.760 --> 0:23:28.679 Ruthie decides that she's going to do it. She's going 0:23:28.720 --> 0:23:32.159 to wean herself off narcotics because she can't bear the 0:23:32.200 --> 0:23:37.760 thought of being sent away. What would people think? Speaking 0:23:37.800 --> 0:23:40.400 of the you know, the what will people think sort 0:23:40.400 --> 0:23:44.560 of mentality I'm thinking about, you know, in terms of 0:23:44.600 --> 0:23:46.560 family secrets, there really are two that I want to 0:23:46.560 --> 0:23:50.359 talk to you about. And one is that during some 0:23:50.480 --> 0:23:53.320 of this period of time, you had fixed up your 0:23:53.520 --> 0:23:57.640 house and you had this incredible knack with design, and 0:23:58.000 --> 0:24:01.800 some photographs were taken and you made everything really gorgeous 0:24:01.840 --> 0:24:08.640 and like this beautiful interior, and you became this Instagram darling, 0:24:08.960 --> 0:24:14.320 suddenly having this world of people seeing your beautiful life, 0:24:14.800 --> 0:24:17.880 everything perfect. And I think that that's such an important 0:24:17.880 --> 0:24:22.160 thing for people to hear and to think about, because 0:24:23.560 --> 0:24:29.080 so much of social media, Instagram in particular, is about 0:24:29.119 --> 0:24:32.280 comparing our insides with other people's outside or what we 0:24:32.359 --> 0:24:36.080 think other people's outsides are, you know, the various personas 0:24:36.160 --> 0:24:39.080 that all of us, in some way or another project 0:24:39.200 --> 0:24:43.000 on social media, even when we're trying not to. And so, 0:24:43.600 --> 0:24:50.440 when was the moment that you sat down and opened 0:24:50.480 --> 0:24:57.000