1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:10,880 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of my heart radio. When 2 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,480 Speaker 1: I wake up in baton rage after the accident, with 3 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,720 Speaker 1: a tube in my throat to help me breathe and 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:19,680 Speaker 1: my eyes burning, I will begin to learn. I will 5 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,279 Speaker 1: learn that love is not always allowed a parade of 6 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:26,400 Speaker 1: a thing. It can be strong and silent. It is 7 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:29,160 Speaker 1: not the throb of my name across the football field, 8 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:33,960 Speaker 1: but the low, tender call for me across the sterile room, 9 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,400 Speaker 1: a call from a person who knows they may never 10 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:40,599 Speaker 1: be heard, but chooses to speak anyway. It is not 11 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 1: the presentation of shiny crowns and shiny roses. It is 12 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,000 Speaker 1: the table filled with wrinkled petals and dirty water, the 13 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: flowers that people brought, not knowing if I would ever 14 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,960 Speaker 1: wait to see them. It is not sitting on the 15 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,920 Speaker 1: sidelines in a nice sweater watching me blossom. It is 16 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: sitting by my side, disheveled and bare faced, watching me 17 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:06,120 Speaker 1: with her. I will learn that love is one person 18 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: becoming undone for another. It is being stripped of the 19 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,399 Speaker 1: protective armor we've worked hard to fashion for ourselves to 20 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:18,120 Speaker 1: become the armor for somebody else. It's standing naked and shivering, 21 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,319 Speaker 1: or for what scares us the most to honor what 22 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 1: it is that we love the most. This is the 23 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:34,400 Speaker 1: love that will transform me. That's Ruthie Lindsay Speaker, podcast host, activist, 24 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:39,679 Speaker 1: and author of the memoir There I Am. You know 25 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 1: that expression, God doesn't give us more than we can handle. 26 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,319 Speaker 1: I've never liked that expression, and I don't really believe it. 27 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,960 Speaker 1: Some of us are given a lot just the way 28 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,880 Speaker 1: it is, and it's up to us to decide whether 29 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: we can handle it. Ruthie's story is one of such courage, 30 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: the deepest reservoirs of ridge that served to transform confounding 31 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,560 Speaker 1: pain and grief into something so bright it shines like 32 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:23,200 Speaker 1: a star. I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family secrets, 33 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:25,840 Speaker 1: the secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we 34 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,280 Speaker 1: keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves. 35 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: I grew up with older brothers on a farm in 36 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,680 Speaker 1: the middle of nowhere, and I had an older brother 37 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 1: that basically helped raise me, who just absolutely I was 38 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 1: his adored me. I never went a day without knowing 39 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:58,799 Speaker 1: that I was loved and adored. And you know, my 40 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:01,880 Speaker 1: dad's eyes lit up when I would walk in the room. 41 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:06,800 Speaker 1: And I grew up on the land, which I was 42 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 1: super extroverted. So there are parts of being out in 43 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,079 Speaker 1: the middle of nowhere that was really hard for me. 44 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 1: I'd go to town at my friend's homes and like 45 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 1: what I would do to be able to run next 46 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,160 Speaker 1: door and play with a friend Like that sound like 47 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: the dream of dreams, But I'm so grateful to have 48 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: grown up in the middle of nowhere on this farm, 49 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 1: like my dad plowing our garden with a mule, and 50 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:32,520 Speaker 1: just freedom to run outside in the woods and in 51 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: the creek all day long. I could run free and wild, 52 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 1: and I think that's had such an impact on my 53 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:47,400 Speaker 1: life today, like my love for mother Nature and how 54 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,920 Speaker 1: much she has become just really she is my medicine, 55 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,480 Speaker 1: you know, And I think that was a gift given 56 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,920 Speaker 1: to me from such a get go. My dad loved 57 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 1: the land so much. She loved working the land, and 58 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: you know, we ate out of our garden all summer long. 59 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 1: And this was in South Louisiana. Is all right in 60 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 1: South Louisiana and tiny little town called Saint Francisville, but 61 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: we were we were like fifteen minutes outside of San Francisville, 62 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,240 Speaker 1: so like the town's tiny with two red lights. But 63 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:23,479 Speaker 1: then we were fifteen minutes away from that just I mean, 64 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,719 Speaker 1: no neighbors, gravel road, you know. I was able to 65 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,359 Speaker 1: like jump in my dad's pickup truck in like fifth 66 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,520 Speaker 1: grade and drive it up and down the road, and 67 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,159 Speaker 1: I mean we were just we didn't own keys to 68 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:38,279 Speaker 1: our home, didn't own them, and I thought that was 69 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,240 Speaker 1: totally normal. When we'd go on vacation, we always left 70 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 1: the keys in her car, and I thought, that's just 71 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:49,400 Speaker 1: what everyone did. You know, Tell me about your mother. 72 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,719 Speaker 1: We have gotten so much closer as I've gotten older. 73 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,960 Speaker 1: She was moved from New Orleans to the farm. It 74 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,479 Speaker 1: was not her dream. She's very much a city girl, 75 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,359 Speaker 1: and I think being out in the country was a 76 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:08,560 Speaker 1: bit difficult. And she had a really painful childhood. She 77 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,520 Speaker 1: was a child of alcoholics. Her mom died when she 78 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 1: was very very young, and her dad married someone who 79 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 1: had been in the Holocaust, and so of course had 80 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 1: her own issues and was also an alcoholic. And so 81 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,480 Speaker 1: my mom was brought up with a lot of dysfunction, 82 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 1: but was so beautiful. I mean, my mom still, she's 83 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 1: in her seventies, and it's just the most stunning woman. 84 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,600 Speaker 1: And so that at the time, especially back then, like 85 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,920 Speaker 1: I mean now too, but that really got her out 86 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: her beauty and that's what she knew, that's what everyone 87 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 1: told her she was about, you know, And I think 88 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:50,839 Speaker 1: that's such a disservice to all humans, but to a woman, 89 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 1: because it's harder to process that there's so much more 90 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:57,159 Speaker 1: to us, you know, when only praise you ever get 91 00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:01,080 Speaker 1: is about how beautiful you are. And she is just 92 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:07,560 Speaker 1: she's such an amazing human and I feel so proud 93 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,680 Speaker 1: of her and to be her daughter, because she's just 94 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,320 Speaker 1: been on such a massive healing journey. I think because 95 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,520 Speaker 1: of all the trauma that she grew up with, we've 96 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: just gotten closer and closer as I've become an adult. 97 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,680 Speaker 1: I think I was a lot harder on her when 98 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: I was younger, because you know, we're all just doing 99 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 1: the best we can, and she she didn't have a 100 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,479 Speaker 1: mom growing up, and what she was able to do 101 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,600 Speaker 1: with what she was given is pretty spectacular. But there 102 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,280 Speaker 1: was also a lot that was was hard, you know, 103 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 1: because she was human and she was hurt. And how 104 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:50,160 Speaker 1: did your mom and your father meet? My dad was 105 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,839 Speaker 1: going to school to become an educator in New Orleans, 106 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 1: and to make money. He was bartending at this like 107 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,840 Speaker 1: cool kid bar in New Orleans. Um. He was just 108 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:05,360 Speaker 1: this larger than life presence. Mr Extrovert knew everyone, very charming. 109 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:08,599 Speaker 1: And my mom was actually a flight attendant for Delta 110 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,720 Speaker 1: based in New Orleans, so she was very rarely at home. 111 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 1: She was always flying all over the place. And they 112 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:19,240 Speaker 1: were in the sixties, I mean wild. They had a 113 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: mutual friend and said they should meet and connected theme 114 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: and so my mom said yes, which she was pursued 115 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,680 Speaker 1: by them all the time, I mean all the time. 116 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:32,200 Speaker 1: And when he was getting her address to come pick 117 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: her up. They literally lived in the same house. She 118 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,760 Speaker 1: lived in the basement apartment of this house that was 119 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,440 Speaker 1: broken into like three or four apartments, and he lived downstairs, 120 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,920 Speaker 1: and they had different entrances, and because she always traveled, 121 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 1: I mean, they never saw each other, but they lived 122 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 1: in the same home in New Orleans. I can see 123 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: like the movie version of this, right, her coming in 124 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: the front is coming in the back exactly. And when 125 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 1: she was pursued by so many that she just I 126 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: think she was just kind of like whatever. And then 127 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: one night, just being kind of a punk, she brought 128 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: a guy to the bar that he was bartending, and 129 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,559 Speaker 1: my dad just went straight up to him and shook 130 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: his hand and bought him a drink, and like was 131 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:18,120 Speaker 1: so unaffected by like, I mean also his pride. He 132 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 1: would never let her know that he cared. And she 133 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 1: started hanging out around the bar. And one night, she said, 134 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,880 Speaker 1: the shifting point for them was she saw my dad 135 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:32,319 Speaker 1: behind the bar get his eyes grow so big and 136 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 1: just attack mode, almost and he jumped over the bar 137 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,200 Speaker 1: and went to the corner of the room. And there 138 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 1: was this homeless guy that my dad loved, that he 139 00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:43,080 Speaker 1: was always feeding and taking care of, and I guess 140 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,280 Speaker 1: his pants had fallen down or some idiot had maybe 141 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 1: pulled his pants down, and all these guys were drunk, 142 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,480 Speaker 1: guys were sitting around like making fun of him, and 143 00:08:51,559 --> 00:08:54,440 Speaker 1: my dad lost his mind and jumped over the bar 144 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 1: and like pulled up the guy's pants and beat up 145 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 1: the guys that were messing with him and kicked him 146 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,439 Speaker 1: out of the are And that was the turning point. 147 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,560 Speaker 1: She was like, that's the kind of man that I 148 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,439 Speaker 1: want to be with, and she fell in love with 149 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 1: them that night. Ruthie grows up with her parents and 150 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: her brothers on their patch of land, their farm in 151 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:20,840 Speaker 1: southern Louisiana. As she said, she could run free and wild. 152 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 1: But then when she was seventeen, her life was changed forever. 153 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: In an instant, I pulled out on a major highway 154 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,200 Speaker 1: in front of an ambulance and he hit me on 155 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:38,400 Speaker 1: my car door going sixty five and broke three ribs 156 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,520 Speaker 1: and puncture my lungs and my lungs collapse and my 157 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,280 Speaker 1: spleen ruptured. And then I broke the tops vertebrae in 158 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,800 Speaker 1: my next see one and C two. But the ambulance 159 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:50,280 Speaker 1: driver actually knew how to stabilize my neck and not 160 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: pull me out of the car, which I mean, you know, 161 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:58,720 Speaker 1: there's no telling what would have happened. I should not 162 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,040 Speaker 1: be here. I mean literal percent chance to live, one 163 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,920 Speaker 1: percent chance to walk. And they were able to get 164 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:07,600 Speaker 1: me to the hospital and had to pretty immediately put 165 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,400 Speaker 1: me on life support after they got the chest tube 166 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,880 Speaker 1: in and got my screen removed. After I was in 167 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: the hospital about a week and off life support, they 168 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,719 Speaker 1: went in and did my spinal cord surgery where they 169 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: took bone from my hip and fused it into my 170 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:26,040 Speaker 1: neck and back. Then they used wire in spinal cord fusion, 171 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,439 Speaker 1: so they wrapped so you want to see two with 172 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:32,200 Speaker 1: wire with the bone. I was so lucky. I was 173 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,839 Speaker 1: young and healthy. I was a senior in high school. 174 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 1: It happened on my dad's birthday. I left there with 175 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:43,200 Speaker 1: a big neck grace walking after about a month able to, 176 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 1: you know, go back to school after Christmas. You would 177 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 1: never know anything had happened to me. All my scars 178 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,840 Speaker 1: are hidden from clothing, in my hair and besides this 179 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: neck brace. I mean, you'd never know. And I at 180 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,960 Speaker 1: the time didn't really have any residual effects, like I 181 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: would get sore her if I danced too much. But 182 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,920 Speaker 1: outside of that, I was very disassociated. I would talk 183 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: about it in third person like it had happened to 184 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,840 Speaker 1: someone else, and I always say, oh, yeah, it was 185 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: way harder on my family and my friends than it 186 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,040 Speaker 1: was on me. I don't even remember it. I was 187 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: on life support and I love telling stories, so it 188 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,080 Speaker 1: was just a fun, crazy story to tell that I 189 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:27,560 Speaker 1: felt very disconnected from. So Ruthene daunted a pretty big bullet. Right, 190 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:31,960 Speaker 1: She's fine, she goes on with her life. She's lucky, 191 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,160 Speaker 1: she's in one piece. She isn't traumatized. She's just going 192 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,000 Speaker 1: to move on and dance and grow and enter the 193 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,320 Speaker 1: next phase of her life. She doesn't go to therapy. 194 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 1: I mean, why would she. She's lucky. She develops an 195 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,880 Speaker 1: eating disorder in college, her way of pushing the big 196 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:52,439 Speaker 1: feelings down with food, but she really doesn't think anything's wrong. 197 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 1: There's this psychological term dissociation. Rucie will learn this later, 198 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,320 Speaker 1: in which we flow to away from ourselves, numb ourselves 199 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:04,839 Speaker 1: so that we don't feel whatever it is that we're 200 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 1: not ready to feel. Ruthie checks all the boxes. She 201 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 1: graduates from college and gets married a few years later 202 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:18,240 Speaker 1: to a musician, a drummer. She's mad for I just 203 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,400 Speaker 1: believed everything was gonna work out great. You know. We 204 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,240 Speaker 1: bought our little home, We had all these dreams, all 205 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,560 Speaker 1: these plans, all the children we're going to have, all 206 00:12:25,559 --> 00:12:29,199 Speaker 1: the children we would adopt. And one day, about a 207 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 1: year into our marriage, I was walking in front of 208 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: the store in this crazy, gnarly shooting. Pain went up 209 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,479 Speaker 1: my neck and I remember thinking, either I've been electrocuted 210 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 1: or the shot, or you know, was I struck by lightning. 211 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 1: I mean it was that severe and that debilitating, and 212 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,079 Speaker 1: it dropped me to my knees, where I blacked out 213 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 1: for a second, and then I was left with black 214 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:56,360 Speaker 1: inky spots in my eyes and horrible, horrible migraine and 215 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,440 Speaker 1: terrified me, of course, and I started it going to 216 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:04,400 Speaker 1: see doctors because that shooting pain started happening regularly and 217 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,439 Speaker 1: more and more frequently. And every time I go to 218 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,160 Speaker 1: a doctor, they'd have me do an m R. And 219 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 1: when the film would come back, there would be this 220 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,080 Speaker 1: black spot on the film and they'd say, oh, that's 221 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: just the magnet and the machine interacting with the wire 222 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:21,560 Speaker 1: from your spinal cordfusion, because it would be directly where 223 00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:23,520 Speaker 1: the surgery was, and they be like, everything around it 224 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:27,720 Speaker 1: looks fun. They started me in all these different therapies 225 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 1: and nothing was helping, So then they started me on 226 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: narcotics because you know, I was not functional. I was 227 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 1: in such severe pain, and of course I just didn't 228 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: want to hurt all the time, so I took anything 229 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:46,080 Speaker 1: they recommended. And that's just sent me on a very 230 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: slowly darker and darker path. Like I stopped being able 231 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:54,560 Speaker 1: to function, I stopped showing up for work. I eventually 232 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 1: had to quit working. Um I was spending all of 233 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 1: my time in bed, I stopped showing up as a partner, 234 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,280 Speaker 1: as a daughter, as a sister, as an aunt, as 235 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,640 Speaker 1: a friend. And that was the gist of my life 236 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 1: for about four and a half years before we finally 237 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:17,440 Speaker 1: figured out what was causing the pain. I saw a 238 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,080 Speaker 1: new doctor. I've seen so many at this point, and 239 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 1: finally this one doctor said, Ruthie, I can't tell you 240 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: what's going on until I see what's underneath that spot. 241 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 1: And I had never asked, you know, I didn't even 242 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,120 Speaker 1: think to ask, but definitely was not an advocate for 243 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:38,359 Speaker 1: myself at the time. And basically, this fifty X ray 244 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: showed that one of the wires from my previous final 245 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 1: corn fusion had broken and pierced into my brainstem. Okay, 246 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:53,360 Speaker 1: let's take a breather. Two Here a wire had broken 247 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:58,480 Speaker 1: and pierced Ruthie's brainstem. I mean, which is like your 248 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,240 Speaker 1: reptile brain. If you're a I support, they're keeping your 249 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,960 Speaker 1: reptile brain alive. It's like the basic functions of organs 250 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 1: and breathing. And I shouldn't be alive. I should not 251 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:11,360 Speaker 1: have brain functioning. I should not be speaking, I should 252 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 1: not be walking. And I'm the only human that's ever 253 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,800 Speaker 1: had that that we've can find any record of. So 254 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 1: I'm so lucky to be here. So lucky. It's you know, 255 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,840 Speaker 1: not once but twice, right, Yeah, had it not been 256 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,520 Speaker 1: an ambulance, you know, had there not been someone at 257 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,160 Speaker 1: the scene who knew what to do, had after all 258 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 1: those years you not have found the doctor who just 259 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,840 Speaker 1: had the most practical let's do an X ray, you know, 260 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:49,160 Speaker 1: after all this, So this is around two thousand nine 261 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:54,760 Speaker 1: when you have the knowledge of Okay, now this is 262 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:58,520 Speaker 1: what's been causing this excruciating pain, and there's a surgery. 263 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,800 Speaker 1: I mean, I was essentially a taking time bomb. Right. 264 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,880 Speaker 1: They couldn't believe that I was breathing, functioning, walking alive. 265 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 1: But insurance it was a pre existing injury and so 266 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 1: insurance wasn't going to cover it. And my dad, who 267 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,280 Speaker 1: we called Papa, he I told my mom and my 268 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 1: godfather that he was going to come see me to 269 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,520 Speaker 1: tell me that he was going to sell our farm 270 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,200 Speaker 1: so I could have this surgery because insurance wouldn't cover it. 271 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,160 Speaker 1: And he, on his way to visit me, stopped to 272 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:33,000 Speaker 1: visit our Amish friends because we have Ammishers. He did 273 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,320 Speaker 1: everything the way the Amish did with his garden. They 274 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,800 Speaker 1: had raised his barns. He would get his animals from them, 275 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:40,920 Speaker 1: and he went every two to three months to just 276 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,160 Speaker 1: work the land with them. And they became one family 277 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:47,040 Speaker 1: down and it was just his heaven, his happy place. 278 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 1: And we don't know exactly what happened because no one 279 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,680 Speaker 1: was with him at the moment, but we get a 280 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,080 Speaker 1: phone call that he ended up falling down a flight 281 00:16:56,120 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 1: of stairs into the basement. It was just the craziest, 282 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:07,000 Speaker 1: just most freak accident. And I was already you know, 283 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:10,960 Speaker 1: on so many drugs and so shut down and on 284 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,720 Speaker 1: the highest level of finnel patch and taking all the drugs, 285 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,960 Speaker 1: and I just I had no capacity. I just shut 286 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:23,199 Speaker 1: down even more so. And I remember at the time, 287 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,520 Speaker 1: I did not know how to process hard things, so 288 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:32,320 Speaker 1: I just numb myself even more. I just remember, you know, 289 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:35,600 Speaker 1: I would pinch myself until I would believe because I 290 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,679 Speaker 1: would just think, like, this is a nightmare. Wake up, Ruthie, 291 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 1: wake up. And now I can hear myself and the 292 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,720 Speaker 1: privilege and the thing that I'm about to stay. But 293 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,680 Speaker 1: I would say, this can't be your life. This can't 294 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,720 Speaker 1: be your life, This isn't your life, which you're also saying, 295 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,480 Speaker 1: this could be for someone else, you know, like this 296 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,040 Speaker 1: could be someone else's life, but it can't be mine. 297 00:17:55,640 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 1: Not Ruthie, lindsay, this is a nightmare. Ruthie, Wake up, 298 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 1: Wake up. Ruthie is twenty nine years old. She's spent 299 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: years in excruciating pain, unnecessarily so, and is facing terrifying 300 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: expensive surgery and now her beloved dad he dies of 301 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 1: his injuries. He had been on his way to try 302 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,840 Speaker 1: to save her, literally to sell the farm to pay 303 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,640 Speaker 1: for her operation. Was this going to be more than 304 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:30,560 Speaker 1: she than anyone could handle? But then because of the 305 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,439 Speaker 1: kind of guy her dad had been, his goodness and 306 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:38,880 Speaker 1: kindness comes back a hundredfold. The whole community rallies and support. 307 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 1: It wasn't just a loss for me and my family 308 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,119 Speaker 1: he walked in the door. I'm telling you you would 309 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,679 Speaker 1: just want to be drawn into his presence because it 310 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 1: felt so good. He made everyone feel like they were 311 00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:57,040 Speaker 1: the most special person that he knew. And when he 312 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,160 Speaker 1: would leave us, when he'd leave my brothers and all 313 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 1: and her children, you say, I love you so much. 314 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,040 Speaker 1: Remember your manners and always look out for the little 315 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:08,359 Speaker 1: guy and his whole thing is he wanted us to 316 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 1: look out for the person that everyone else was missing 317 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:15,440 Speaker 1: and to enter in and like love them and serve 318 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 1: them and honor them, not just notice, you know. And 319 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:22,200 Speaker 1: that's how he lived his life. What was so beautiful 320 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:26,760 Speaker 1: in that time was my godfather ended up setting up 321 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,359 Speaker 1: this medical fund in my daddy's honor so that I 322 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 1: could have the surgery because he knew that that was 323 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,439 Speaker 1: his last wish, and checks and let her started coming 324 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,640 Speaker 1: in out the wazoo because people would be like, your 325 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 1: dad bought my prom dress, your dad sent me on 326 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,360 Speaker 1: my senior trip. Your dad bought our Christmas tree, your 327 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,960 Speaker 1: dad paid my rent, your dad got me into my 328 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,440 Speaker 1: first year of college. I mean, I'm telling you, this 329 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,000 Speaker 1: list went on and on, and we did not have 330 00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:58,080 Speaker 1: much growing up. It's not like we were in this 331 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,960 Speaker 1: wealthy family at all. My godfather, who was the president 332 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,640 Speaker 1: of the bank, is like, yeah, he would take out 333 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: loans so that he could do these things and to 334 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,520 Speaker 1: help other people, and that's just the kind of guy 335 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 1: he was. And so because he had shown up and 336 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:18,040 Speaker 1: loved so many people so well, the full amount of 337 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 1: money was raised for me to have this surgery. And 338 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,960 Speaker 1: it's because of his love, his love for others, and 339 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,359 Speaker 1: his love for me, I was able to do this 340 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,280 Speaker 1: life altering surgery that I had to do to keep living. 341 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:38,439 Speaker 1: And it just felt like such a honor to be 342 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:42,399 Speaker 1: his daughter, you know, Like it's such a privilege to 343 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: be Lloyd Lindsay's daughter. Like I feel so grateful to 344 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 1: have gotten to be raised, to have chosen him. I 345 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,760 Speaker 1: am such a weirdo, and I believe in past lives 346 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,800 Speaker 1: and all the things that I really believe. I'm like, 347 00:20:56,200 --> 00:21:00,119 Speaker 1: I was so wise to choose that man to be 348 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:06,000 Speaker 1: my father. What a gift, you know. No, there's this 349 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 1: moment in your book where you write about the last 350 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 1: time that your father saw you. You were consumed with pain, 351 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:20,960 Speaker 1: living in your bed, hopeless, And I so identified with 352 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 1: that because my dad died when I was young as well, 353 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,760 Speaker 1: and I was a mess. I was a complete mess 354 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,040 Speaker 1: when he died, and I adored him. And there's there's 355 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 1: something about honoring a person by becoming the person, you know. 356 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,920 Speaker 1: I've often written and often said that my dad became 357 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:44,200 Speaker 1: my north star and really has guided me ever since 358 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,880 Speaker 1: my asking him, what would you do? You know? How 359 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,199 Speaker 1: should I be? How do I get through this and 360 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:55,760 Speaker 1: internalizing that yeah, yeah, we'll be back in a moment 361 00:21:55,800 --> 00:22:09,080 Speaker 1: with more family secrets. As a result of all the 362 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,080 Speaker 1: years Ruthie had been on pain killers, her tolerance for 363 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:15,240 Speaker 1: medication was off the charts. It took a lot of 364 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:19,560 Speaker 1: heavy duty drugs to make her even slightly comfortable. After 365 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:24,280 Speaker 1: she's successfully operated on at the Mayo Clinic, she's experiencing 366 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:27,679 Speaker 1: a whole new level of pain. The goal was to 367 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:32,560 Speaker 1: get her living, breathing, walking, but she's sustained severe nerve 368 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:36,200 Speaker 1: and spinal cord damage and feels a constant, burning pain 369 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,640 Speaker 1: like half of her is on fire. She walks out 370 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:43,159 Speaker 1: of the hospital a titanium screw where the broken wire 371 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,600 Speaker 1: had once been, holding that piece of wire in her hand, 372 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,159 Speaker 1: but then she goes straight back to bed and feels 373 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:56,320 Speaker 1: more hopeless than ever before. Ruthie spends years years in 374 00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:01,880 Speaker 1: that bed, in terrible pain, medicated and then with sedith, 375 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:06,719 Speaker 1: a nasty bacterial infection. On top of everything else, her 376 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,800 Speaker 1: husband's away on tour more often than not, and their 377 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:15,680 Speaker 1: marriage is coming apart, and she breaks. Finally, she has 378 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,400 Speaker 1: a breakdown and moves back with her family, this time 379 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,520 Speaker 1: into her brother's house. She needs help badly. They all 380 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,280 Speaker 1: know it. But instead of going away to a rehab, 381 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,679 Speaker 1: Ruthie decides that she's going to do it. She's going 382 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:32,159 Speaker 1: to wean herself off narcotics because she can't bear the 383 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:37,760 Speaker 1: thought of being sent away. What would people think? Speaking 384 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,400 Speaker 1: of the you know, the what will people think sort 385 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:44,560 Speaker 1: of mentality I'm thinking about, you know, in terms of 386 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:46,560 Speaker 1: family secrets, there really are two that I want to 387 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 1: talk to you about. And one is that during some 388 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 1: of this period of time, you had fixed up your 389 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:57,640 Speaker 1: house and you had this incredible knack with design, and 390 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 1: some photographs were taken and you made everything really gorgeous 391 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:08,640 Speaker 1: and like this beautiful interior, and you became this Instagram darling, 392 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:14,320 Speaker 1: suddenly having this world of people seeing your beautiful life, 393 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,880 Speaker 1: everything perfect. And I think that that's such an important 394 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:22,160 Speaker 1: thing for people to hear and to think about, because 395 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:29,080 Speaker 1: so much of social media, Instagram in particular, is about 396 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:32,280 Speaker 1: comparing our insides with other people's outside or what we 397 00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:36,080 Speaker 1: think other people's outsides are, you know, the various personas 398 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,080 Speaker 1: that all of us, in some way or another project 399 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:43,000 Speaker 1: on social media, even when we're trying not to. And so, 400 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:50,440 Speaker 1: when was the moment that you sat down and opened 401 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:57,000 Speaker 1: your Instagram account and posted the truth and just like 402 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:01,399 Speaker 1: shared it in all of its complexity with the people 403 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:06,200 Speaker 1: who were following you. I actually didn't start my Instagram 404 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:09,159 Speaker 1: account until after I'd wean myself off all the drugs. 405 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,320 Speaker 1: It took me about four months to get off all 406 00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:14,439 Speaker 1: of the narcotics, and I had my brother was like, 407 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,199 Speaker 1: you can lay in your bed and hurt, or you 408 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,240 Speaker 1: can get up and be with people and try to 409 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 1: love people and serve people and live life and hurt. 410 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,560 Speaker 1: I was like, okay, so much trying to live and hurt, 411 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 1: you know. And once that happened, and you know, my 412 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,400 Speaker 1: marriage did end, and I was like, if I get 413 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:33,200 Speaker 1: back in that bed, I will die. I will die. 414 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,439 Speaker 1: So Instagram it became a part of my life joy journal. 415 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,679 Speaker 1: It was like all I thought about all these drugs 416 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,520 Speaker 1: was my pain and my trauma. And as I weaned 417 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,080 Speaker 1: myself off the drugs, I was you know, you can't 418 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,680 Speaker 1: feel joy and goodness if you don't allow yourself to 419 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,760 Speaker 1: build darkness and pain and loss. You known one, you've 420 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 1: known the other. And so all of a sudden I 421 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,479 Speaker 1: was able to see sunsets for the first time. I 422 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,399 Speaker 1: was able to see my nieces and nephews I had 423 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,640 Speaker 1: not knows them. Allowing myself to feel my pain gave 424 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:07,760 Speaker 1: me my eyes to actually see to experience joy on 425 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,520 Speaker 1: this like profoundly different level. And so what ended up 426 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,479 Speaker 1: happening is I wasn't giving people the full context. I 427 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:17,640 Speaker 1: was only giving them the beauty, the joy, the goodness. 428 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:21,040 Speaker 1: I did not give them the context of my joy. 429 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,840 Speaker 1: And after about eight or nine months of doing that, 430 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,959 Speaker 1: I had people that didn't know me following along on 431 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,439 Speaker 1: social media, and I started getting these messages of like, 432 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,240 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I want your life, what a dream life. 433 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,040 Speaker 1: This is so beautiful. I wish that was my dining room. 434 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,960 Speaker 1: I was, you know, all these crazy messages, and it 435 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,240 Speaker 1: made me nauseous because I'm like, I remember looking on 436 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:46,760 Speaker 1: social media and just I would have paid so much 437 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,480 Speaker 1: money to have been able to be outside playing with 438 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,959 Speaker 1: the children that I was dreaming of having instead of 439 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,199 Speaker 1: just laying in my bed hurting all the time and 440 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,600 Speaker 1: out doing these adventures, you know. And the idea that 441 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:03,000 Speaker 1: I could conjure up those feelings and someone else without 442 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:07,239 Speaker 1: them getting the full picture made me so sad. I 443 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 1: grew up. It's like my mom was a child of alcoholics. 444 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,000 Speaker 1: You show up, you you know everything could be chaos 445 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,159 Speaker 1: in the house, but you walk outside and you smile, 446 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,040 Speaker 1: and you'd be pretty, and you be kind and you 447 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,320 Speaker 1: act like everything for this tidy bow. And this when 448 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,320 Speaker 1: the first time when I shared my message, stared my 449 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:26,520 Speaker 1: story of what was really happening. Was really the first 450 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:30,440 Speaker 1: time that I had publicly ever shared how bad things were. 451 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:34,160 Speaker 1: I wrote about my divorce. I wrote about c diff 452 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,439 Speaker 1: and like ship my pants all day every day. I 453 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:40,600 Speaker 1: wrote about my husband leaving with a dear friend of mine. 454 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 1: I wrote about losing my daddy. I wrote about chronic, 455 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,399 Speaker 1: debilitating pain that I lived in with every day of 456 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,440 Speaker 1: my life. I wrote about being dependent on all those 457 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:53,520 Speaker 1: narcotics all of those years. And I remember when I 458 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:57,520 Speaker 1: had published, thinking, oh my god, people are going to 459 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,520 Speaker 1: want to run for the hills, like this is the 460 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:04,720 Speaker 1: opposite of what they've been following before. And of course 461 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,880 Speaker 1: it does the exact opposite. I mean, my inbox just 462 00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:14,680 Speaker 1: flooded with people because we're so longing to not feel alone, 463 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 1: We're so longing to feel connection and authenticity. That's beautiful, Rizzi, 464 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:25,000 Speaker 1: and it it reminds me of this line from a 465 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:28,520 Speaker 1: poem of Elizabeth Barrett brownings, I can't quote the whole thing, 466 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:31,679 Speaker 1: but the phrase I'm thinking of is a gauntlet with 467 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:35,360 Speaker 1: a gift in it, and all gauntlets have gifts in them, 468 00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:46,040 Speaker 1: but we don't necessarily find them. Yeah, we'll be right 469 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:58,600 Speaker 1: back now. It's just after the Christmas holidays. In very 470 00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:03,200 Speaker 1: early January twenty nine, Team Ruthie has become an Instagram sensation. 471 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,840 Speaker 1: The truth really does set her free, and she's writing 472 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 1: what will become her memoir There I Am. She's with 473 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,880 Speaker 1: her mom, and her mom asks Ruthie if she's ever 474 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,760 Speaker 1: done one of those DNA ancestry tests. Her mom muses 475 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,920 Speaker 1: about her old hippie days, both she and Ruthie's dad. 476 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,360 Speaker 1: She says she wouldn't be surprised if maybe there was 477 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:27,000 Speaker 1: another kid out there, No big deal. Just like that. 478 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,840 Speaker 1: Ruthie didn't think anything more of it. It was presented 479 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:34,360 Speaker 1: in such a casual way. But then a few months later, 480 00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:39,720 Speaker 1: woo woo alert. Rusie speaks with an intuitive guide and 481 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:44,200 Speaker 1: the guide says that she keeps seeing another brother. Ruthie 482 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:47,320 Speaker 1: still sort of files us away, but then when she's 483 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,120 Speaker 1: back home in Nashville, she sees a healer she trusts 484 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:53,720 Speaker 1: and has gone to for years. Ruthie brings up the question, 485 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,720 Speaker 1: not expecting to hear anything really, but then something happens 486 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:01,720 Speaker 1: that rocks her world. By the way, side note woo 487 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:08,480 Speaker 1: woo very often ends up being world rocking. She goes, yes, Reefee, 488 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:11,840 Speaker 1: you do you have a missing brother? Your mom is 489 00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:16,200 Speaker 1: very intuitive and I was like what. She goes yeah, 490 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,280 Speaker 1: and I go, well, how am I going to find him? 491 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,280 Speaker 1: She says, you don't have to. He's going to find 492 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:26,400 Speaker 1: you and very soon. So about three weeks later, I 493 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,680 Speaker 1: get a message one morning on Facebook and it says, hi, Ruthie, 494 00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:33,720 Speaker 1: my husband doesn't have Facebook. He recently matched with you 495 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,680 Speaker 1: on ancestry and I believe he's your relative. And I'm like, 496 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 1: oh my god, here it is. So I give her 497 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,520 Speaker 1: my number and tell her to have him call me, 498 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:45,200 Speaker 1: and I get a phone call and he said, um, hi, Reethee, 499 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:48,080 Speaker 1: this is David McGhee. Do you know why I'm calling? 500 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:52,959 Speaker 1: I go because you're my brother. He goes, how did 501 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,000 Speaker 1: you know? I feel? I've just been waiting for your 502 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,880 Speaker 1: call and I'm so excited. So when my dad was 503 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,800 Speaker 1: in college, he was like a sophomore junior in college. 504 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 1: Nineteen David's mom was a senior in high school, went 505 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:08,800 Speaker 1: to l A. S U for a weekend, met my dad. 506 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,800 Speaker 1: They ended up cooking up. She went back home months 507 00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:15,680 Speaker 1: later found out she was pregnant. Back then, you know, 508 00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:18,880 Speaker 1: if you're pregnant, you get sent away, especially in the South. 509 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:22,239 Speaker 1: So she got sent away to have this baby. No 510 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,440 Speaker 1: one knew about it, and he was adopted by this 511 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:28,280 Speaker 1: couple in Oxford, Mississippi. He was a professor at All 512 00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:31,520 Speaker 1: miss which is where I went to college. And when 513 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:35,080 Speaker 1: he had his first son, he started looking for his parents. 514 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:39,520 Speaker 1: He wanted to find out, especially his dad. He hired 515 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:43,800 Speaker 1: two private detectives, looked for almost twenty seven twenty eight years, 516 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:47,080 Speaker 1: and never found anything because it's a closed adoption state. 517 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:51,400 Speaker 1: And finally, so his family got together on the six 518 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:56,320 Speaker 1: year anniversary of his son's untimely passing. He had passed 519 00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,560 Speaker 1: of an accidental overdose when he was twenty three years old. 520 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:03,600 Speaker 1: He has two children, both have partners and babies, and 521 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,600 Speaker 1: the whole family got together to celebrate William's life and 522 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:09,000 Speaker 1: his wife was like, you know, you can't give up. 523 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,680 Speaker 1: I know you've been looking forever. She had made him 524 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:14,560 Speaker 1: spit into a tube. Also like two years before, I'm 525 00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:17,520 Speaker 1: just going to sign into your ancestry account because who 526 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:22,240 Speaker 1: knows signs in there's my name. She's like, there's a 527 00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:24,360 Speaker 1: match and it's so high it has to be your sister. 528 00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,720 Speaker 1: But there's no profile. But there's this girl named Ruthie 529 00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:32,160 Speaker 1: Lindsay and his daughter in law goes Ruthie Lindsay. I 530 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:35,360 Speaker 1: follow her on Instagram. I followed her for years and 531 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:38,280 Speaker 1: he's like, now, slow down, I'm sure there's more than one. 532 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:41,880 Speaker 1: She was like, no, that is your sister. I know. 533 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:44,680 Speaker 1: And she pulls up my website and there's a video 534 00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:48,040 Speaker 1: of my dad. David is the only one that looks 535 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,800 Speaker 1: like him. He's the only one that hunts and fishes 536 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:54,440 Speaker 1: and gardens. He does similar work. He works in education 537 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,680 Speaker 1: at all miss he is like this larger than I mean, 538 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:02,440 Speaker 1: it's the craziest where then it gets even crazier. My 539 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:06,840 Speaker 1: full brother that I was raised with. Every summer he 540 00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:09,720 Speaker 1: is the camp doctor at this summer camp called Camp 541 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 1: Alpine for boys. Well, David's daughter, my niece, grew up 542 00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:17,800 Speaker 1: going to the sister camp that I also went to, 543 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:20,120 Speaker 1: and she was a counselor. When my nieces were there 544 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:22,479 Speaker 1: and they all fell in love with her well. This 545 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,480 Speaker 1: summer in particular, she was the camp director at the 546 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,920 Speaker 1: boys camp, and my brother and his family were all 547 00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:30,040 Speaker 1: there because he was the camp doctor, and they all 548 00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:31,560 Speaker 1: just fell in love with her even more, and my 549 00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:33,880 Speaker 1: brother and my sister in law met her. She ended 550 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 1: up getting really sick, having to go to the infirmary. 551 00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:39,760 Speaker 1: My brother held her hair back while she vomited. And 552 00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:42,040 Speaker 1: this is her uncle. This is in fact her uncle, 553 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:47,920 Speaker 1: biological uncle. Then a year year or two later she 554 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,240 Speaker 1: got married. She invited my brother and his family of eight. 555 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,560 Speaker 1: So on the sixth anniversary of the tragic loss of 556 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:02,400 Speaker 1: his son, David, who's been searching fruitlessly for years, is 557 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:06,440 Speaker 1: matched with someone named Ruthie Lindsay as a sister. His 558 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,560 Speaker 1: daughter in law is a fan of Rusie's follows her 559 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:12,960 Speaker 1: on Instagram. The coincidences abound. So many of those close 560 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:16,640 Speaker 1: relatives have known each other, crossed paths, shared parts of 561 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:21,920 Speaker 1: lives together without ever knowing they were Kim. Last summer, 562 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:26,160 Speaker 1: everyone came down to the farm and got to be 563 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:28,160 Speaker 1: on this land where my nieces and nephews are the 564 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,560 Speaker 1: fourth generation that lived there. And he got to see 565 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,200 Speaker 1: this land that my daddy plowed with his garden, and 566 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:37,720 Speaker 1: he got to see the land that his granddad loved 567 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:42,240 Speaker 1: more than anything. And it's just it's just this full circle. 568 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:47,319 Speaker 1: You can't make this shift up like beautiful gift that 569 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:51,480 Speaker 1: we are just so blown away by. I just and 570 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:55,480 Speaker 1: the timing was perfect, just all of it. You know. 571 00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:59,160 Speaker 1: As I'm listening to I'm just thinking, I've heard so 572 00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:04,400 Speaker 1: many stories in the last few years of families who 573 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:09,640 Speaker 1: make a discovery and someone picks up the phone and 574 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:14,000 Speaker 1: calls and says, I think we're related. The very first 575 00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 1: impulse that many many people have in that situation is 576 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,400 Speaker 1: to feel threatened. You now, what do you want? You 577 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:27,839 Speaker 1: must want something? And I'm listening to your story and 578 00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:35,840 Speaker 1: it's all about love and an open heartedness that then 579 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:39,919 Speaker 1: creates the beauty, allows for the beauty. You know. It's 580 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:43,600 Speaker 1: it's an open palm instead of a closed fist, it's 581 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:48,279 Speaker 1: an open heart instead of a shutdown heart, and it 582 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:52,759 Speaker 1: begets and begets the beauty that you're talking about. And 583 00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,200 Speaker 1: even that you're talking about in the way that so 584 00:35:56,280 --> 00:36:00,560 Speaker 1: much pain, the loss of a child and everything you're 585 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:05,279 Speaker 1: talking about, Rucie is just really, really beautiful. It's hard 586 00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:08,400 Speaker 1: to remember life without him now, like he is just 587 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:23,160 Speaker 1: such a treasure and such a gift. Remember what I 588 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:28,120 Speaker 1: said at the beginning about courage. Ruthie's story is really 589 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:32,239 Speaker 1: at its core about the courage to heal, and part 590 00:36:32,239 --> 00:36:35,400 Speaker 1: of that healing is not wishing or willing any of 591 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:41,560 Speaker 1: it away. Here's Ruthie with the last word. I think, 592 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,840 Speaker 1: if that first surgery when I had my wreck, everything 593 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,680 Speaker 1: had been great from them on, if you know that 594 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:50,080 Speaker 1: second surgery when they removed the wire, if that had 595 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:53,160 Speaker 1: fixed everything, quote unquote, and you know I didn't have 596 00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:57,399 Speaker 1: the physical pain. If those things outside of me would 597 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:01,960 Speaker 1: have quote unquote cured me, I would have never woken up. 598 00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:06,200 Speaker 1: I would have never had the breakdowns which eventually led 599 00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:11,120 Speaker 1: to the breakthroughs. I would never have gotten there had 600 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:16,280 Speaker 1: I been quote unquote cured. It took all the trauma, 601 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:20,440 Speaker 1: all the pain, all the loss, all the heartache. Those 602 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:25,640 Speaker 1: experiences were the entry ways, the entry points, the invitations 603 00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:29,239 Speaker 1: for me to ultimately come home to myself. And when 604 00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:32,239 Speaker 1: we do this healing work that we're also deserving of, 605 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:37,200 Speaker 1: then we get to go out and be those mirrors, 606 00:37:37,239 --> 00:37:40,279 Speaker 1: to be those safe containers, to be that light and 607 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:45,080 Speaker 1: that expansive like you spoke of abundant love, because there's 608 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:48,520 Speaker 1: always an abundance. There's always more. Every gift I have 609 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:54,439 Speaker 1: I can freely release. It's all energy because there's always more. 610 00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:12,240 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is an I Heeart Media production. Dylan Fagan 611 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:16,480 Speaker 1: is the supervising producer and Bethan Mcaluso is the executive producer. 612 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:19,360 Speaker 1: We'd also like to give a special thanks to Tyler 613 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:23,000 Speaker 1: Klang and Tristan McNeil. If you have a family secret 614 00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,960 Speaker 1: you'd like to share, leave us a voicemail and your 615 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:29,560 Speaker 1: story could appear on an upcoming episode. Our number is 616 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:34,760 Speaker 1: one eight secret zero. That's secret and then the number zero. 617 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,839 Speaker 1: You can also find us on Instagram at Danny Ryder 618 00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:44,080 Speaker 1: and Facebook at facebook dot com slash Family Secrets Pod, 619 00:38:44,680 --> 00:39:02,319 Speaker 1: and Twitter at fami Secrets Pod. For more podcasts from 620 00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:05,600 Speaker 1: My Heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or 621 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:07,640 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.