1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:03,600 Speaker 1: So what are two or three red flash that you 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: should right? 3 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:07,640 Speaker 2: Okay, let's go there. 4 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,319 Speaker 3: Jillian Tareki is the relationship coach millions turn to when 5 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:16,160 Speaker 3: love gets messy, helping people break patterns, build healthy relationships, 6 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,080 Speaker 3: and serving up hard truth about love. 7 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 2: You could have dated people who were disproportionately. 8 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 3: The bigger problem, from swipes to second chances. She breaks 9 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:28,880 Speaker 3: down the realities of modern dating with humor and heart. 10 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,479 Speaker 4: What are the trends that give you hope and what 11 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,239 Speaker 4: are the trends that were you? 12 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,919 Speaker 2: More and more people are wanting to With. 13 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,960 Speaker 3: Her longtime friend and yoga guru Niki Costello, they dive 14 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 3: into what makes love work and how Jillian turned her 15 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,160 Speaker 3: own heartbreak into healing. 16 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:49,440 Speaker 2: I entered a pretty severe dark night of the soul, 17 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 2: and I became obsessed with what makes a relationship work. 18 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 3: Join hosts Martin Luther King the Third, Andrea Waters, King, 19 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 3: Mark Kilberger, and Craig Kilberger for an unfiltered conversation about 20 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 3: real connection, the courage to open your heart, and the 21 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,440 Speaker 3: everyday choices that will or break our relationships. 22 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 2: This is like a whole episode of Sex and the 23 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,319 Speaker 2: City Nata. There are some people who you can build 24 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 2: a life with, and there are some people who you. 25 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 1: Should just be. 26 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 4: Welcome to my legacy. Today's guest is Jillian Taureki, a 27 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,040 Speaker 4: relationship expert and coach, a New York Times bestselling author, 28 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,320 Speaker 4: and an advisor on the Bumble dating app. Jillian, We're 29 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:32,760 Speaker 4: so glad to have you with us here today, and 30 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,039 Speaker 4: of course, on my legacy, we always ask our guests 31 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,440 Speaker 4: to bring with us someone who knows them well on 32 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,160 Speaker 4: a deep personal level, someone who's been with them on 33 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 4: their journey. Would you mind introducing your plus one today? 34 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:46,600 Speaker 2: I absolutely will. First of all, thank you so much 35 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 2: for having me. I'm honored to be here, and today 36 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:55,200 Speaker 2: I introduce Nicki Costello. Nicki is an old, dear friend 37 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,120 Speaker 2: of mine and also has played the role of mentor 38 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 2: in my life. She has been my yoga teacher for 39 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 2: seventeen years something insane like that. And I met Niki 40 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:11,600 Speaker 2: and started working with Niki when I was experiencing a 41 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:16,240 Speaker 2: lot of dysregulation in my nervous system and there was 42 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:20,520 Speaker 2: a lot of things going on in my health at 43 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:25,840 Speaker 2: the time where I just didn't feel like stable physically 44 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 2: not mentally. I was searching for more meaning in my 45 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:34,239 Speaker 2: practice and more stability in my practice and more expansion 46 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,640 Speaker 2: in my practice. And Niki was the teacher who opened 47 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:42,440 Speaker 2: that up to me. She also officiated my wedding and 48 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 2: even though the marriage did not last, the actual ceremony 49 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 2: was beautiful. And so yeah, just very honored and proud 50 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 2: to have her join us today. 51 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 1: Nikki, you and Julian have been friends for years. Can 52 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 1: you take us back to when you first met and 53 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:06,440 Speaker 1: what is it about Jillian that made you come to 54 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:10,480 Speaker 1: the conclusion I must have her in my life. 55 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:11,240 Speaker 2: I love that. 56 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:15,160 Speaker 5: Yes, yes, I walked into a classroom and I was 57 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 5: really new to a space, and the class was packed, 58 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 5: it was full, and in the back of the room 59 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 5: there was there was Jillian. 60 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 2: I didn't know her by name, but I recognized something. 61 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:33,360 Speaker 5: And when when you're a teacher, you recognize or I 62 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 5: do studentship, you recognize this immediate attention connection, a sense 63 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 5: that both of us are doing something purposeful there together. 64 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 5: She liked this particular place in the classroom and it 65 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 5: was always a perspective where she could see me clearly 66 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 5: and everyone else as well. And I really thought about 67 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:02,280 Speaker 5: that a lot, and how Jillian's capacity to focus so 68 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 5: clearly and directly on a person or on whatever it 69 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:10,480 Speaker 5: is that that we were doing. Also was met by 70 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:16,880 Speaker 5: her incredible capacity and inquiry to touch everyone, to reach 71 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,560 Speaker 5: everyone where they are. So this is the kind of 72 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 5: friend you always want in your life. One who listens 73 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 5: and one who also serves, one who gives of themselves 74 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,039 Speaker 5: fel fully. 75 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:36,599 Speaker 2: So we're in the classroom. How do we get to 76 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 2: that back of the classroom? 77 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 3: This side? 78 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,679 Speaker 2: I was the back, wasn't it, Nicky? 79 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:43,080 Speaker 3: Yeah? 80 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,400 Speaker 2: I always went to the back row. Yeah, So this 81 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,280 Speaker 2: is why I love the show. 82 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 4: You get like, who would have ever known that other 83 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 4: than Nicky? With that one perspective that you bring up. 84 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,440 Speaker 6: Now, Jillian, you've mentioned expansion a few times, and that 85 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:58,159 Speaker 6: is a word that really resonates with me. I know 86 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,320 Speaker 6: that you said one of your biggest wake up calls 87 00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 6: was the day that your husband called to tell you 88 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:10,159 Speaker 6: that he wanted to break up. Was the exact same 89 00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 6: day that you suffered a miscarriage and your mother happened 90 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 6: to be dying of terminal cancer. What did you learn 91 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,599 Speaker 6: about yourself that day that has carried you through? 92 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 2: Yeah. I often refer to that day as the day 93 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 2: I died, because then there was just like a rebirth 94 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:35,359 Speaker 2: that happened, and I remember having this thought, Oh, this 95 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:39,080 Speaker 2: is what it feels like when your life completely falls apart. 96 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,599 Speaker 2: I'm like, this is what it is. And I entered 97 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 2: a pretty severe, dark night of the soul. And you know, 98 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:53,440 Speaker 2: it was people like Nikki who's sitting here just having 99 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:57,040 Speaker 2: her presence as a teacher and as a friend, having 100 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:02,240 Speaker 2: my yoga practice. These are the things that really contributed 101 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 2: to me holding it all together. I was on a 102 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:12,760 Speaker 2: path that was not the right path. And so I 103 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 2: think that when we experience such a catastrophic moment in 104 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:25,120 Speaker 2: our life, we search for meaning, and we want to understand, 105 00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:28,920 Speaker 2: you know, why this is all happening, and we want 106 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,520 Speaker 2: to figure out how to survive it. We just want 107 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 2: to feel better. And so that's what I did. I 108 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,039 Speaker 2: search for meaning in it, and I searched for how 109 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 2: to feel better. And I became obsessed with, well, what 110 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:48,279 Speaker 2: makes a relationship work? Because I was consumed by the 111 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:52,000 Speaker 2: reality that I was in this position where I would be, 112 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 2: you know, left at forty and what does that mean? 113 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,919 Speaker 2: And I'm going to be I'm going to get a 114 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 2: divorce and I just couldn't believe it. And I thought 115 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:07,520 Speaker 2: I need to figure this out, because this is I 116 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,640 Speaker 2: just need to figure this out. And so here I 117 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 2: am today, still completely dedicated to figuring it out. 118 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:19,600 Speaker 6: It's like a phoenix that rise from the ashes. Yeah, 119 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 6: that's what I see when I see you and Nikki. 120 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:26,640 Speaker 6: Now you've walked beside Jillian for almost two decades. What's 121 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 6: the most profound change that you've seen in her since 122 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 6: those early years when you first met, when she was 123 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 6: in the back of the classroom taking everything in. 124 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 5: What I'll focus in on, because I had a very 125 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 5: clear image arise as Jillian was speaking about that day 126 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:56,680 Speaker 5: and the time just after that, is Jillian's humility and vulnerability. 127 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 5: We walked a lot in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and we would 128 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,640 Speaker 5: walk along the East River and she we'd always have 129 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:14,680 Speaker 5: sweet Pea Darlian. And so when you really consider, like 130 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:19,880 Speaker 5: we have these moments where everything seems to be falling 131 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 5: apart right and so many people then want to cling 132 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,680 Speaker 5: to keeping it together. Jillian could show up, she could 133 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:31,880 Speaker 5: do her work, she could teach yoga with incredible integrity 134 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:37,000 Speaker 5: and commitment, and when when she could retreat from that 135 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 5: and simply walk, she could be vulnerable. 136 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,000 Speaker 2: She didn't try to hold on to. 137 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:50,120 Speaker 5: The life that she had had, that she thought she 138 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:54,960 Speaker 5: was making. She stayed in Really what Andrea is an 139 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:59,560 Speaker 5: expansive place. It's an expansive place because it's saying, Okay, 140 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:00,840 Speaker 5: this is all happening. 141 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,960 Speaker 2: Can I allow myself. 142 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:10,000 Speaker 5: To be a little bit bigger, to receive more at 143 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,040 Speaker 5: this moment when it feels like everything's been taken away? 144 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:18,760 Speaker 5: So I just listen, and I know something about Jillian 145 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,960 Speaker 5: that the world is benefiting from right now, and that is. 146 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,480 Speaker 2: In that state, in that place. 147 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 5: How do you ask yourself the really important questions and 148 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 5: how to then do those questions take you deeper into 149 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:40,160 Speaker 5: knowing who you are and how to rebuild from a 150 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:46,040 Speaker 5: place of vulnerability, tenderness and the strength that comes from, 151 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 5: you know, going deep and saying I'm I can, I 152 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 5: can change now. 153 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:54,960 Speaker 2: And it's so important to do it because sometimes you'll 154 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,000 Speaker 2: be forced into that kind of surrender. But it is, 155 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 2: you know, I think, and that's like the word that 156 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 2: comes to my mind is you really just have to surrender, 157 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:08,800 Speaker 2: and then you have to come up with a. 158 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:15,000 Speaker 6: Plan surrender and then come up with the plan. 159 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,480 Speaker 1: Speaking of a plan, Julian and you laid out in 160 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 1: your new York Times bestseller, It begins with You, Nine 161 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: Hard Truths about love. Of those nine truths, which one 162 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:36,080 Speaker 1: do people resist the most but need to hear the most. 163 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 6: He's asking as a man that's been married for twenty years, thirty. 164 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,079 Speaker 2: Thirty we dated. 165 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:50,200 Speaker 6: We dated for ten years before we were married, so 166 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 6: it's time served. 167 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,440 Speaker 2: So I always say thirty years. 168 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:56,720 Speaker 3: Yes, Yes, it is. 169 00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,960 Speaker 6: Can I get an amen? Wow? 170 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,559 Speaker 2: I would say it's it's the first truth, which is 171 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 2: the title of the book, and the last one. Accountability 172 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 2: is hard for a lot of people. It's hard to 173 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:17,600 Speaker 2: take responsibility for your life when you feel like you've 174 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:22,280 Speaker 2: been dealt a tough hand. It's hard to take responsibility 175 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:27,720 Speaker 2: for your relationship when you're pissed off at your partner. 176 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,200 Speaker 2: It's hard to take. It's hard to take responsibility. I mean, 177 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:37,680 Speaker 2: life can be very hard and sad. Things can happen 178 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 2: where you rightfully feel like a victim and you cannot 179 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,440 Speaker 2: change your life from that vantage point. It Begins with 180 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:51,040 Speaker 2: You is not about oh, you're the problem, you know, 181 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,559 Speaker 2: because I know that becomes somewhat of a platitude. It's 182 00:11:54,559 --> 00:12:00,800 Speaker 2: not that, it's just that you are the common denominator 183 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:04,080 Speaker 2: and all your relationships. That does not mean that you 184 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,480 Speaker 2: are the only problem. You could have dated people who 185 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:12,280 Speaker 2: were disproportionately the bigger problem. You still chose them. And 186 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,240 Speaker 2: some people like to say, oh right, my biggest problem 187 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 2: is that I choose terrible partners. Okay, I'll give you that. 188 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,920 Speaker 2: You're telling me that when you were with these terrible 189 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 2: partners you were an angel all the way through. Impossible 190 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 2: because we're human. So the first one is I really 191 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 2: had to get through to people, which I believe I did. Hey, 192 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,720 Speaker 2: this is not about blame. This isn't about making it 193 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:43,440 Speaker 2: your fault. This is about empowerment that truly it does 194 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:49,120 Speaker 2: begin with you, and if you adopt that mindset, if 195 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:55,000 Speaker 2: you will, you then have enormous power to change your 196 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 2: love life and your life in general. And then the 197 00:12:57,679 --> 00:13:00,679 Speaker 2: last one, which is a doozy, is you must make 198 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:04,680 Speaker 2: peace with your parents. I think that a lot of 199 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 2: people have resistance to that. That chapter is not just 200 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,679 Speaker 2: about making peace with a quote unquote hard parent, It's 201 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:15,080 Speaker 2: just make peace with who they are. Look at it 202 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,920 Speaker 2: from different perspectives. I tell a story in that book 203 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:21,600 Speaker 2: about this girl who I worked with. I'm twenty seven 204 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:26,680 Speaker 2: years old Colombian and she was raised by her single 205 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:30,240 Speaker 2: Colombian mom and they came to this country and when 206 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,640 Speaker 2: they did, this woman she had barely any money. They 207 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:37,200 Speaker 2: escaped an abusive father and it was just her and 208 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:43,559 Speaker 2: her daughter. And this woman started cleaning people's homes and 209 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:50,800 Speaker 2: built a multi million dollar company over twelve years. But 210 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,720 Speaker 2: when you think about what a woman has to go 211 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 2: through in order to become that, she's got to become tough. 212 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 2: And so she taught her daughter be tough and be strong, 213 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:07,040 Speaker 2: and girls don't cry, which is nuts because usually it's 214 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 2: boys that get that messaging. Boys aren't supposed to cry. 215 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:15,240 Speaker 2: So she and her mother's intention. She was very close 216 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,800 Speaker 2: with her mom, by the way, and her mom ended 217 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,680 Speaker 2: up passing from cancer, and she had come to me 218 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,600 Speaker 2: in her grief and had come to me trying to 219 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,520 Speaker 2: figure out why I was never working with men, and 220 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:29,160 Speaker 2: she had not. Surprisingly, this girl had an amazing career. 221 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,320 Speaker 2: I mean, her mom taught her how to take care 222 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 2: of herself, how to not take no for an answer, 223 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,920 Speaker 2: how to be strong, and it has served her so 224 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:43,040 Speaker 2: well in her life, just not in her love life. Yes, 225 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 2: And it's because she really internalized this idea that she 226 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:52,000 Speaker 2: could never be vulnerable and so making peace with her 227 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 2: mom who passed, who she loved and was well taken 228 00:14:55,480 --> 00:15:00,600 Speaker 2: care of by her, was just understanding what her mom 229 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:07,600 Speaker 2: really really wanted for her and not to have that 230 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,440 Speaker 2: story replaying in her head that she can't be vulnerable. 231 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 6: And I love the fact too of that. This is 232 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 6: when you really think about that, it really is empowering 233 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,440 Speaker 6: to start and it's interesting and you start with which 234 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,600 Speaker 6: is kind of the opposite most is I kind of 235 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 6: start with your parents and end with you. But it's 236 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 6: so interesting, you know, you start with you and then 237 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 6: ultimately I think going along the steps, you have that 238 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,640 Speaker 6: the capacity then to look at your parents and that 239 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:45,200 Speaker 6: relationship with the more beautiful and holistic view coming up. 240 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 3: Jillian calls out the dating red flags you can't fix, 241 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:54,880 Speaker 3: can't ignore, and should absolutely walk away from. 242 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:59,000 Speaker 6: Now back to my legacy. 243 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 4: Jillian, you recently became a relationship expert and product advisor 244 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 4: for Bumble, of course, one of the largest dating apps 245 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 4: in the world. Yes, so, I'm a data geek, and 246 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,840 Speaker 4: I gotta say that one of the coolest things about 247 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,600 Speaker 4: this role is I imagine you get to see a 248 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,240 Speaker 4: lot of the inside data on a meta level of 249 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,000 Speaker 4: what that actually looks like. So when you are looking 250 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 4: at all of that data, what are the trends that 251 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,000 Speaker 4: give you hope and what are the trends that were 252 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,000 Speaker 4: you The. 253 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:29,920 Speaker 2: Data that gives me hope is that there are people 254 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:37,800 Speaker 2: who more and more people are wanting to build healthier 255 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 2: relationships more and because of that, they are more willing 256 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:53,120 Speaker 2: to have conversations and share how their past experiences has 257 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 2: shaped them today. And more people are having insight into 258 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 2: what doesn't really work for them in a relationship, so 259 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:09,960 Speaker 2: then they can more easily vet people. Honestly, it's like, Okay, 260 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 2: now I understand that actually it's not just how I 261 00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 2: think you look and how you think I look like 262 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,240 Speaker 2: do our values align? And so what I'm seeing is 263 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:26,480 Speaker 2: that there's a movement towards really getting people to understand 264 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:31,720 Speaker 2: what their values are and to share that to get 265 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:36,120 Speaker 2: better matches. So that I think is very positive data. 266 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:41,920 Speaker 2: I think that the troubling data is what has always 267 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:46,880 Speaker 2: been there in just dating apps and dating culture in general, 268 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,639 Speaker 2: is that technology in the swiping just makes it so 269 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:56,280 Speaker 2: that we're treating people like they're incredibly disposable. Then there's 270 00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 2: just all technology runs like on an algorithm, right, and 271 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,960 Speaker 2: that's very very complex. I can't even begin to wrap 272 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,919 Speaker 2: my head around it. But sometimes you're not getting you 273 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,160 Speaker 2: won't be getting the right matches because the algorithm has 274 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,320 Speaker 2: somehow shifted. It's like the same thing on social media. 275 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 2: Some people, your followers won't be seeing some of your 276 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 2: content because there's an algorithm shift. So in that way, 277 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:26,119 Speaker 2: that's something that that's a hurdle that I think is 278 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:31,359 Speaker 2: continuously there for us to have to overcome when it 279 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,840 Speaker 2: comes to technology in general and better at matching and dating. 280 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 2: And then you know, another positive piece of data is 281 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 2: that I think that some places I know Bumble is 282 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:48,879 Speaker 2: for sure, you know, really committed to safety for women 283 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,960 Speaker 2: because let's face it, if you're on a dating app, 284 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 2: you're interacting with strangers, and women always have to be 285 00:18:56,440 --> 00:19:01,040 Speaker 2: very careful about that because people will say, oh, you know, 286 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 2: technology has ruined us, or dating apps is routing ruined dating, 287 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:09,040 Speaker 2: And then I and then I often wonder has it 288 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:13,719 Speaker 2: or has it just exposed us? You know, is it 289 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:19,159 Speaker 2: dating apps that has created so many emotionally unavailable people 290 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,479 Speaker 2: or is it just exposing it because we're seeing more. 291 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:28,440 Speaker 2: You know, back in the day, people we speaking of community, 292 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,800 Speaker 2: people were much more engaged in community in our society. 293 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,879 Speaker 2: So they would go more to they would join that 294 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,440 Speaker 2: bowling league, they would go to the church, they would 295 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,080 Speaker 2: go to the synagogue, they would go to the mosque, 296 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,920 Speaker 2: they would they would, they would do these things, and 297 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,919 Speaker 2: oftentimes we would meet through community or a friend of 298 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:54,159 Speaker 2: a friend. Now you're meeting people and they truly are 299 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 2: complete strangers, so there's no accountability, and that's where things 300 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:02,520 Speaker 2: have gotten very compl But it's never been easy to 301 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,680 Speaker 2: find love. I've never thought about that. 302 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 6: I've never thought about the fact of there was some 303 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,360 Speaker 6: type of connection to some type of community, like we 304 00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:15,120 Speaker 6: were set up on a blind age. Yeah, so even 305 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,400 Speaker 6: though so it still was, I've never thought about it 306 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,320 Speaker 6: in that capacity. And when we were leading up to 307 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:23,240 Speaker 6: this interview with you, you know, you know, I did 308 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,440 Speaker 6: what any good girlfriend would do, is so I asked 309 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,119 Speaker 6: a lot of my single friends. So I kind of 310 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,320 Speaker 6: have like a tale of two camps, right, a tale 311 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:35,480 Speaker 6: of two single ladies. There's one who is like running 312 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:40,119 Speaker 6: far away now from dating world or dating apps, and 313 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,719 Speaker 6: it's kind of of the mind frame that if it happens, 314 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,480 Speaker 6: it happens, and when it happens, It happens. And then 315 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,680 Speaker 6: then there's my other friend who's like, you know, kind 316 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,680 Speaker 6: of tipping their toe in and out and in and out, 317 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,359 Speaker 6: but not necessarily committed. I'm going to go in for 318 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 6: a few weeks and then Okay, that's it. I'm out. 319 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:03,639 Speaker 6: Is there a strategy, if you will, that you have 320 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 6: found that you would offer to my single wonderful friends, so. 321 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:13,120 Speaker 2: You can always take the route like friend A, who 322 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,640 Speaker 2: is like, I'm just going to live my life and 323 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,280 Speaker 2: I'm going to trust that when the timing is right, 324 00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:22,320 Speaker 2: I will meet this person and let it happen organically. 325 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 2: And I think that that's I think when you like 326 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 2: your life and you don't feel lonely and you're not 327 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:36,480 Speaker 2: and you don't have a clock ticking when it comes 328 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,880 Speaker 2: to your fertility and you want to have children, then 329 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:43,159 Speaker 2: I think that's a great option. What I think is 330 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:47,760 Speaker 2: equally a great option is if you want a relationship, 331 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:52,080 Speaker 2: you gotta go get it, and that means you cannot 332 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,840 Speaker 2: let anything stand in the way. Go on lots of dates, 333 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:03,480 Speaker 2: keep prepare to be disappointed on most of them, and 334 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:07,840 Speaker 2: get really good at vetting people, really good practice your 335 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,240 Speaker 2: social skills, because most people have very weak social skills 336 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,399 Speaker 2: and treat it like a job that you're going to 337 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:21,080 Speaker 2: meet someone. But that doesn't mean that you burn yourself 338 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,119 Speaker 2: out or exhausted. You still have to live your life, 339 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:27,000 Speaker 2: but you just have to be determined. I love that 340 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,040 Speaker 2: when you're in between and you're kind of tipping your toes. 341 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,359 Speaker 2: I've got nothing but empathy for that. I get it. 342 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:36,280 Speaker 2: Chances are you're not going to meet someone in that state. 343 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 1: Jillian, what is your hottest take? Pawn very much intended 344 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,480 Speaker 1: on the role chemistry plays when searching for love. 345 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:50,159 Speaker 2: It plays a huge role. It's very very very important, 346 00:22:50,680 --> 00:23:01,359 Speaker 2: and it's incredibly unreliable and it's not enough. So there's 347 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,320 Speaker 2: lots of different ways to look at it. So first 348 00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:07,920 Speaker 2: of all, there's there's various levels to chemistry. The obvious, 349 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:14,000 Speaker 2: which is the physical sexual attraction. Then there's emotional chemistry. 350 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:18,280 Speaker 2: You have great you feel like a great spiritual connection. 351 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:23,160 Speaker 2: There's intellectual chemistry you have great conversations where you feel inspired. 352 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,440 Speaker 2: You have playful chemistry like you have like a good friendship. 353 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,640 Speaker 2: So there's various levels to chemistry, and you know there, 354 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,080 Speaker 2: I think they're all important. If I'm being honest, Sometimes 355 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:39,840 Speaker 2: we mistake, there's no spark yet. In other words, sometimes 356 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 2: like feeling an immediate spark of chemistry does not mean anything. 357 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:52,280 Speaker 2: In fact, oftentimes when we do, it's because of For 358 00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:54,920 Speaker 2: some people, because it's familiar, they remind you of mom 359 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,120 Speaker 2: or dad, and it's not necessarily a good thing. For 360 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:04,000 Speaker 2: some people, it's the per looks exactly like the archetype 361 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,520 Speaker 2: in your mind of what you consider to be beautiful 362 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:11,440 Speaker 2: or handsome. If someone really truly figures out the nuance 363 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,720 Speaker 2: and what chemistry is and why it happens, they will 364 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:18,200 Speaker 2: win the Nobel Peace Prize, because in many ways it 365 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,920 Speaker 2: truly is a mystery, and there's lots of different theories, 366 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,960 Speaker 2: and all the theories are sound, but no one can 367 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,200 Speaker 2: really point their finger on it, except for the fact 368 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,200 Speaker 2: that you could feel immediate chemistry with the person who's 369 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 2: going to abuse you. You can feel immediate chemistry with someone. 370 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,480 Speaker 2: And what people don't understand is that there are some 371 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,000 Speaker 2: people who you can build a life with, and there 372 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,880 Speaker 2: are some people who you should just have a night with. 373 00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:48,200 Speaker 2: In the beginning, when we are flooded with hormones and 374 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:53,360 Speaker 2: we are flooded with lust, and we are because everything 375 00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:58,320 Speaker 2: in the beginning is novelty and adventure and the unknown 376 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:03,800 Speaker 2: and a promise of the And when we are flooded 377 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:09,760 Speaker 2: with novelty, adventure and hope, our systems are flooded with aliveness. 378 00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:13,919 Speaker 2: And in that aliveness we feel so much chemistry with someone. 379 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 2: But staying in love is a skill, and you have 380 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,479 Speaker 2: to work on those things. You have to bring a 381 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:27,320 Speaker 2: liveness to the relationship. You can't just be passive because 382 00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:29,760 Speaker 2: in the beginning, you can be totally passive because your 383 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,040 Speaker 2: hormones are doing it all for you, and the newness 384 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 2: of it is doing it all for you. To be 385 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:41,119 Speaker 2: a good partner and to build a good relationship, it 386 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:45,760 Speaker 2: begins with you, and you have to bring that energy 387 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:49,440 Speaker 2: to a relationship. You just have tory. But the thing 388 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,240 Speaker 2: is what happens is that, as you know, in a relationship, 389 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,639 Speaker 2: when we're really close with someone, we're really comfortable, we 390 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,080 Speaker 2: start to treat them like family. And what do we 391 00:25:57,119 --> 00:26:01,120 Speaker 2: do with family. We regress and we kind of take 392 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:04,040 Speaker 2: them for granted and we're a little bit passive, and 393 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,679 Speaker 2: we can't do that in a romantic relationship. So chemistry 394 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,800 Speaker 2: is important, but you have to be self aware enough 395 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,680 Speaker 2: to know your patterns and are you only having chemistry 396 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:18,760 Speaker 2: with people who are unavailable? Are you only having chemistry 397 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:22,480 Speaker 2: with people who treat you like crap? Or are you 398 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:26,920 Speaker 2: able to value other things in a person? And sometimes 399 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:31,440 Speaker 2: chemistry can grow. I think for men it's more instantaneous, 400 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,520 Speaker 2: but for women it's different because as a woman starts 401 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,399 Speaker 2: to feel safe with someone, as she starts to feel 402 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 2: seen and heard, that's when she starts to open up more. 403 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,240 Speaker 4: Scrolling won't change your life, but subscribing just might tap 404 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:53,880 Speaker 4: that button and stay connected to conversations that can't. Now 405 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,200 Speaker 4: back to my legacy. 406 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,439 Speaker 1: Julie, you kind of alluded to some of this, but 407 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,159 Speaker 1: so what are two of three we read flags that 408 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,000 Speaker 1: you should run right away? 409 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:14,240 Speaker 2: Okay, let's go there. When someone is all they're doing 410 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:18,680 Speaker 2: is bad mouthing their ex and their family, which, by 411 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:25,160 Speaker 2: the way, is different than sharing a very difficult experience 412 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 2: you had with someone. But talk about a victim who 413 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:33,880 Speaker 2: never takes responsibility. It's always everyone else's fault. I had 414 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:38,720 Speaker 2: a client once and her picker, meaning like what she 415 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 2: her internal compass of who she chose, was just broken. 416 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 2: And she started to date this guy and he had 417 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,680 Speaker 2: the crazy ex and she was going on and he 418 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:53,840 Speaker 2: convinced her on and on and on and on and 419 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:57,520 Speaker 2: on about how emotionally unstable his exes. But he was 420 00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:59,199 Speaker 2: married to her for ten years, so what does that 421 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,280 Speaker 2: say about him? And actually what turned out is that 422 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:07,800 Speaker 2: he was incredibly emotionally unstable and the two of them 423 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 2: were creating an incredibly emotionally unstable relationship. So that's red 424 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:17,359 Speaker 2: flag number one. Another one is someone who's just not 425 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:23,399 Speaker 2: investing their time in you. They are not really trying 426 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,480 Speaker 2: to get to know you. They may want to sleep 427 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,720 Speaker 2: with you, or they may want to have a fun 428 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:31,800 Speaker 2: time with you. But if you want a relationship and 429 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:36,959 Speaker 2: someone is not actually asking you questions about your life, 430 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:41,160 Speaker 2: asking you about you, know, there's no curiosity there to 431 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,560 Speaker 2: really get under the hood of the car and understand 432 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:48,000 Speaker 2: who you are. Huge red flag. And that's different than 433 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,640 Speaker 2: a first date when someone might be very nervous, because 434 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:55,200 Speaker 2: a lot of times people are nervous, especially men who 435 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,760 Speaker 2: I've worked with, They're very very nervous and self conscious 436 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,280 Speaker 2: on a first date. And what men tend to do 437 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:04,520 Speaker 2: is then just talk about themselves and not ask any questions, 438 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:08,440 Speaker 2: and oftentimes it's just coming from an insecurity. This is like, 439 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,640 Speaker 2: you know, you've had a few dates and it's just 440 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,600 Speaker 2: not progressing, and you feel like the person's not asking 441 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:17,920 Speaker 2: you any questions, and so that's a red flag. And 442 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,680 Speaker 2: then a third red flag. You have to tune into 443 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:25,920 Speaker 2: your body and check in and just ask yourself, how 444 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:29,560 Speaker 2: do I feel when I'm with this person? Do I 445 00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:34,240 Speaker 2: feel comfortable? Do I feel at ease? Do I feel 446 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:38,320 Speaker 2: like I can express an opinion safely? Do I feel 447 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 2: like I can be myself with this person? If the 448 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:45,080 Speaker 2: answer to any of those questions is no, that's your 449 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:48,320 Speaker 2: internal alarm system going off, trying to get your attention. 450 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:55,040 Speaker 6: So way back in the nineteen hundreds during our first date, 451 00:29:58,240 --> 00:29:59,920 Speaker 6: were you nervous? Do you remember? 452 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 1: I'm always nervous. 453 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,720 Speaker 6: I'm still making nervous sometimes now. 454 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:17,000 Speaker 1: So, Nikki, let me ask you a question. You've taught 455 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:20,840 Speaker 1: people for decades about the importance of the mind body connection. 456 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:28,680 Speaker 1: If you could teach everyone one thing from yoga that 457 00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:32,120 Speaker 1: would help their relationship, what would that be? 458 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,160 Speaker 2: Trusting oneself? 459 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:40,520 Speaker 5: When one is engaged in practice yoga practice, a meditation 460 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:45,400 Speaker 5: practice and has a connection to their their spirit, like 461 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:51,240 Speaker 5: really their heart. In that state of connection, there's such trust, 462 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,760 Speaker 5: there's such a sense of being I am I am 463 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:59,560 Speaker 5: with myself, I'm good, and many of us practice for 464 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:03,440 Speaker 5: a long time to be able to fully not only 465 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:07,720 Speaker 5: embrace that, but trust the truth of that feeling in 466 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:11,360 Speaker 5: our own hearts. We find many ways to escape that, 467 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:15,720 Speaker 5: or we have doubts or we have confusion in all 468 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:19,080 Speaker 5: our relationships and aspects of our life. When you're sitting 469 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:23,760 Speaker 5: with yourselves and you're like, I I'm good, like I 470 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:28,560 Speaker 5: trust myself, then a spiritual practice has come to fruition. 471 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:34,360 Speaker 6: M I love how that connects back too, to Jillian's 472 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,920 Speaker 6: like the first principle that it starts with you. I 473 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:42,080 Speaker 6: love that how that connects back for all circle too, Like, 474 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,640 Speaker 6: so you can come to a point of I'm good 475 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:51,880 Speaker 6: no matter what, I am good, and I can trust myself. Yes, yes, 476 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:58,600 Speaker 6: I'm gonna jump single ladies, ladies, let's do it, because 477 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:02,320 Speaker 6: there are more single women today in their thirties, forties, 478 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:03,520 Speaker 6: and fifties. 479 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:04,080 Speaker 2: Than ever before. 480 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,560 Speaker 6: So I know Jillian that you talk about women not 481 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:13,080 Speaker 6: betraying themselves in relationships. What are some of the most 482 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,720 Speaker 6: harmful patterns. I think we've talked about some of them 483 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:19,840 Speaker 6: with the red flags, But is there anyone that we 484 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:25,160 Speaker 6: didn't go over that keep women from finding the love 485 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 6: that they truly deserve. 486 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,680 Speaker 2: Let's give it to a single age. Okay, So one 487 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 2: habit that women have that isn't serving them is men 488 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:45,760 Speaker 2: tend to jump into relationships after a breakup too quickly 489 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:51,960 Speaker 2: without enough self reflection. Women tend to stay single too long, 490 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:59,480 Speaker 2: and stay hurt too long, and stay afraid too long. 491 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,959 Speaker 2: And part of that is biology. Part of that is 492 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:08,000 Speaker 2: just the need for a woman to feel safe that 493 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,120 Speaker 2: it's just not the same for a man. Disproportionately, more 494 00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:13,200 Speaker 2: women than men come to me and saying, you know, 495 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 2: it's been two years, it's been three years, I'm still 496 00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:19,720 Speaker 2: like hung up on my ex. And I would love 497 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,160 Speaker 2: women to just reflect, like are you holding on to 498 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:25,440 Speaker 2: a story here? Like are you not letting yourself move forward? 499 00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:31,760 Speaker 2: Related to that is women overall tend to value love 500 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:35,840 Speaker 2: and connection. Men value it too, but women tend to 501 00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:40,440 Speaker 2: put that above everything else. And also this there's been 502 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:44,720 Speaker 2: there's so much societal pressure that tells a woman that 503 00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:48,640 Speaker 2: her worth is really through her relationship or whether or 504 00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:52,600 Speaker 2: not she's in a relationship. I like to empower women 505 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:56,080 Speaker 2: to understand that, yes, value love and connection and I'm 506 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:59,000 Speaker 2: all for you being in a relationship, but there's so 507 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:03,400 Speaker 2: many women who value the love of another more than 508 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,440 Speaker 2: they value learning how to love themselves. 509 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:07,960 Speaker 1: That's profound. 510 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,399 Speaker 2: And of course there's men out there who experience that too, 511 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:13,880 Speaker 2: but it's way more. You see that, way more in women, 512 00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:19,200 Speaker 2: this desire to be chosen, when really the woman should 513 00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:23,680 Speaker 2: be the chooser. Yes, And so then she betrays herself 514 00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:28,240 Speaker 2: because she will do anything to get chosen, and she's 515 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,360 Speaker 2: focusing And this is something I see with both genders, 516 00:34:32,239 --> 00:34:36,760 Speaker 2: focusing too much on like the status of a person 517 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,239 Speaker 2: or how a person looks, or the status of the man, 518 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:43,000 Speaker 2: or how that woman looks, and not enough on character. 519 00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:48,319 Speaker 2: But really the main thing is, are you craving love 520 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:51,000 Speaker 2: so much that you are forgetting to love yourself in 521 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:55,200 Speaker 2: that pursuit of a relationship, And can you learn how 522 00:34:55,239 --> 00:35:00,439 Speaker 2: to value your freedom as much as you do love 523 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,239 Speaker 2: and connection? And then let's just see if then you 524 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:06,480 Speaker 2: can develop more of yourself outside of a relationship, so 525 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,480 Speaker 2: you can be a chooser rather than someone who's just 526 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 2: pathetically waiting. And I say that with love and not 527 00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:17,239 Speaker 2: with judgment, but just waiting to be chosen. Other red 528 00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,440 Speaker 2: fogs is you gotta You have to know when someone's 529 00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:21,080 Speaker 2: not into you. 530 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:24,520 Speaker 6: This is like a whole episode of sex in the City. 531 00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:29,720 Speaker 6: He's not like there's so many other. 532 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:33,759 Speaker 2: Thing You have to know that and and stop and 533 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:37,560 Speaker 2: stop saying I love you to someone who's showing you 534 00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:43,560 Speaker 2: no love. And that's why when I talk about choosing yourself, 535 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:46,000 Speaker 2: you know a lot of people think if I'm going 536 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,240 Speaker 2: to choose myself, I have to villainize the other person. 537 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:51,400 Speaker 2: You don't have to villainize a single soul. This is 538 00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:56,560 Speaker 2: this is between you and you. This is not about them. 539 00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:58,680 Speaker 2: Why are you gonna get mad at someone who for 540 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:02,640 Speaker 2: not being emotionally available to you? You should evaluate why 541 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:06,359 Speaker 2: you're sticking around for that, Or you should evaluate why 542 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:10,680 Speaker 2: you haven't had an open and honest conversation where you 543 00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:14,480 Speaker 2: are vulnerable to see if that opens something up between 544 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:17,520 Speaker 2: the two of you. But there's too much Let me 545 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,359 Speaker 2: wait for the other person to lead, Let me wait 546 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,520 Speaker 2: for the other person to do the thing instead of 547 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:27,239 Speaker 2: you learning the skills first. You know how hungry are 548 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:31,520 Speaker 2: you for a relationship? And is that hunger overriding your 549 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:32,440 Speaker 2: your judgment? 550 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:38,120 Speaker 6: I love that, Or I also heard you say, are 551 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:43,520 Speaker 6: you waiting in safety or maybe seeking safety. But you're 552 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:47,839 Speaker 6: waiting yes too long, as opposed to just you know, 553 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:49,080 Speaker 6: going in. I love that. 554 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:52,360 Speaker 2: Be the be the chooser, Be the chooser. 555 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, Jolanna, Nikki, thank you for bringing such incredible depths 556 00:36:56,800 --> 00:37:00,439 Speaker 4: of wisdom you both share on how you support people 557 00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:03,600 Speaker 4: in personal development. Gillian, you reminded us that healing is 558 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:08,040 Speaker 4: always possible, that patterns can be broken, and the relationships 559 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:10,799 Speaker 4: that we build, as messy and as complicated as they are, 560 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,480 Speaker 4: they're worth the work. And Nikki, thank you for showing 561 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:16,120 Speaker 4: us what true friendship looks like as you brought her 562 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:19,400 Speaker 4: from the back of the class to the front, supporting 563 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:22,640 Speaker 4: on her personal development, and how you support students to 564 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:25,120 Speaker 4: find their best selves. To both of you, I love 565 00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:28,560 Speaker 4: the lines surrender and then make a plane on this journey. 566 00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:32,040 Speaker 4: Today we surrendered and you led us on an extraordinary 567 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:35,960 Speaker 4: journey sharing your love, your legacy. Thank you so. 568 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:39,600 Speaker 2: Much, Thank you so much for having me for Thank 569 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:44,399 Speaker 2: you Nikki for joining me today. This has been an 570 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:46,320 Speaker 2: absolute honor. 571 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:51,799 Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you so much, Thank you for joining us. 572 00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:56,040 Speaker 3: If you enjoy today's conversation, subscribe, share, and follow us 573 00:37:56,120 --> 00:38:00,160 Speaker 3: on at my Legacy movement on social media and YouTube. 574 00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:04,520 Speaker 3: New episodes drop every Tuesday, with bonus content every Thursday. 575 00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:09,040 Speaker 3: At its core, this podcast honors doctor King's vision of 576 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,000 Speaker 3: the beloved community and the power of connection. A Legacy 577 00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:17,800 Speaker 3: Plus studio production distributed by iHeartMedia creator and executive producer 578 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:21,680 Speaker 3: Suzanne Hayward come executive producer Lisa Lyle. Listen on the 579 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,400 Speaker 3: iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.