WEBVTT - Go Ahead, Go To Bed Angry Tonight 0:00:02.160 --> 0:00:06.040 Hey there, folks, it is Friday, October tenth, and are 0:00:06.080 --> 0:00:11.559 you heading to bed angry tonight? Well knock your self out, 0:00:12.119 --> 0:00:14.200 welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. You're not 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:16.720 supposed to. We have been. Doesn't everybody know that's a 0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:20.239 hard fast rule. You're not supposed to go to bed 0:00:20.400 --> 0:00:22.279 angry when you're in a relationship. 0:00:22.600 --> 0:00:26.160 I have heard that for all of my life, and 0:00:26.680 --> 0:00:31.160 I have never been able to actually put that into 0:00:31.200 --> 0:00:33.280 practice as much as I would have liked to, and 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:35.919 sometimes I didn't want to, And so it's actually refreshing 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:38.720 to hear that I don't have to. Why do we 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:40.879 think we have to? Who says that's the way it 0:00:40.960 --> 0:00:41.520 has to be? 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:43.440 No matter what shouldn't be the goal? 0:00:44.360 --> 0:00:47.320 I think that would be awesome. But I think anytime 0:00:47.320 --> 0:00:50.760 you're told you should do something or you need to 0:00:50.920 --> 0:00:54.320 feel a certain way, I guess actions are different than feelings. 0:00:54.440 --> 0:00:56.920 So maybe you do something even if you don't feel it. 0:00:57.200 --> 0:00:59.720 But that also feels disingenuous, and I don't know how. 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:00.960 I don't know. 0:01:01.000 --> 0:01:04.679 I've struggled with this concept for most of my life, 0:01:04.760 --> 0:01:05.039 and we. 0:01:05.000 --> 0:01:07.280 Are talking about it now. Look, this conversation comes up 0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:12.640 every now and again out there and whatever circles. But 0:01:12.959 --> 0:01:15.320 this week we got this recently from the Associated Press 0:01:15.360 --> 0:01:17.760 who kind of put it back out there because they 0:01:17.800 --> 0:01:22.720 were in conversation with a therapist who said, absolutely, knock 0:01:22.880 --> 0:01:27.360 yourself out, go to bed angry. You might be doing 0:01:27.400 --> 0:01:31.440 more harm than good trying to stay up and resolve something. 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:34.560 Look and to that point, that has been something that 0:01:34.680 --> 0:01:39.360 I have learned to amend truly in my relationship with you, 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:44.199 because in the morning things look different they just do 0:01:44.760 --> 0:01:49.680 at night. You're exhausted, you're tired. Who knows what kind 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:52.240 of day you've had. You're bringing all of that into 0:01:52.400 --> 0:01:55.160 your feelings into an argument that might not have a 0:01:55.160 --> 0:01:59.360 place actually that you're now inflating the situation because you 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:02.560 were dealing with other stressors throughout your day. So I 0:02:02.560 --> 0:02:05.360 do think in the morning you have a clearer head, 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:11.320 better perspective, and you're refreshed, and that's a better place 0:02:11.440 --> 0:02:15.360 to begin having a conversation about something you disagree about 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:20.239 versus a fight that takes place late at night. I think, 0:02:20.440 --> 0:02:22.320 don't I don't know. It feels like a lot of 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:24.040 arguments happen at the end of the day. 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:27.480 Oh, at the end of the day, when you're when 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:29.840 you're tired, lost it, when you just went all through 0:02:29.880 --> 0:02:32.200 that hell at the office, when you just want to 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:35.080 go to bed after you've had that after work drink. 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:38.720 What do you mean this conversation isn't going well. Yes, 0:02:39.320 --> 0:02:43.760 you're at your absolute worst physical spot and mental spot 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:45.400 at the end of the day, and you're getting hit 0:02:45.440 --> 0:02:48.320 with the heaviest stuff in conversation. And we're being told 0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:52.760 everybody knows this road, it's just accepted. It's the rule. 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:55.160 Don't go to bed angry. 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:57.519 Here's the reason why I think a lot of people 0:02:57.560 --> 0:03:00.400 subscribe to this just from a you know, I don't know, 0:03:00.400 --> 0:03:02.680 but we'll get into the origins of it. And that's 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:06.200 fascinating in and of itself, actually, But I do think 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:08.000 you're telling yourself. 0:03:07.639 --> 0:03:08.919 I'm not going to be able to sleep. 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:12.320 I'm going to toss in turn, I'm going to be ruminating, 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:14.360 like I'm going to be like going over everything in 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:16.520 my head, and I'm going to lose an entire night's 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:19.680 worth of rest because I haven't resolved this. So resolving 0:03:19.720 --> 0:03:22.560 it will allow me to sleep better. But I just 0:03:22.840 --> 0:03:27.240 I honestly am thinking back in my life, honestly over 0:03:27.639 --> 0:03:33.320 a fight that happened near bedtime or continued through where 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:35.960 you should go to bed. I can't think of an 0:03:36.040 --> 0:03:40.160 instance where it was like, kumbai ya, everything's figured out, 0:03:40.240 --> 0:03:42.680 we're all happy, and we can all sleep peacefully. It 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:47.400 doesn't usually get resolved in some peaceful, satisfactory way when 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:50.440 you're already that upset, but you are. 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:53.360 Also someone, at least in my experience with you don't 0:03:53.400 --> 0:03:56.440 know who this was before you're sleeping next to and 0:03:56.480 --> 0:04:01.400 doing this fighting with. My point my twice divorce love 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:08.960 is that we have found some way and we have 0:04:09.080 --> 0:04:13.280 figured this out to where we do absolutely not go 0:04:13.360 --> 0:04:18.360 to bed angry, but we also don't spend much time 0:04:18.520 --> 0:04:23.240 during the day angry is the thing. We have found 0:04:23.279 --> 0:04:25.600 a way. We haven't mastered. This is something we continue 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:27.599 to work on. But from where we were to where 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:31.160 we are in terms of recognizing, I know you want 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:35.680 stuff resolved, Let's move on and go back to being happy. 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:41.599 Within five minutes, I need a beat, So even us 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:44.359 it's not just a matter of understanding, but we're now 0:04:44.440 --> 0:04:47.680 respecting that in the middle of something going on, we 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:51.360 need possibly two very different things from each other, and 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:55.200 in at least respecting each other a little bit, it's 0:04:55.279 --> 0:04:57.560 led to some kind of compromise to where we have 0:04:57.760 --> 0:05:02.760 figured something out and the fights end before they even start. 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:10.560 It's true because I now recognize what you need, and 0:05:10.640 --> 0:05:15.479 I recognize that when I actually extend that grace to you, 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:20.159 you relax, you're not as upset, and therefore things just 0:05:20.200 --> 0:05:22.160 get a little bit better. And I think you recognize 0:05:22.160 --> 0:05:25.920 if you just say one kind thing or soften something 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:29.080 just a bit, I relax and then things get better. 0:05:29.160 --> 0:05:31.839 I think that's part of understanding your partner's needs and 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:33.120 not just thinking about. 0:05:32.920 --> 0:05:34.280 What you need and what you want. 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:38.159 And I think oftentimes I had been in that place 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:40.479 in my head where all I was thinking about was 0:05:40.520 --> 0:05:44.760 being right or justifying how I felt, or proving that 0:05:44.920 --> 0:05:50.360 the other person was wrong. That doesn't ever work, ever, ever, 0:05:50.640 --> 0:05:53.880 for anyone. So if you start thinking about what it 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:55.840 is your partner needs, and that's really hard to do 0:05:55.880 --> 0:05:58.680 when you're pissed, but if you can really think about that, 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:02.960 it dates things so quickly that even if it's unresolved, 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:04.680 and even if there still might be a little bit 0:06:04.720 --> 0:06:06.479 of underlying tension that you can deal with in the 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:11.120 morning in a very calm, respectful way. Just bringing down 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:17.480 the tension is enough or preventing the fight from starting. 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:20.880 Okay, so you said bringing down the tension. That's very 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:24.640 very important to this conversation and what therapists are saying, 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:28.240 at least to one the ap talk to bringing down 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:32.520 the temperature. That says a lot about your relationship. If 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:35.360 you're able to look at each other and understand and respect. 0:06:35.880 --> 0:06:38.719 We got a problem right now. This is not a 0:06:38.720 --> 0:06:41.080 good time for us to be doing it. We're going 0:06:41.160 --> 0:06:44.920 to meet back up and resolve this. If you are 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:50.400 in a respectful if you are in a solid relationship, 0:06:50.960 --> 0:06:53.279 that's not a problem because oftentimes people will do that 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:55.880 and then they don't follow up. I'm like, okay, let's 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:58.640 talk about this later, and you don't talk about it later, 0:06:58.640 --> 0:07:00.800 and this goes and goes and go. But even in 0:07:00.839 --> 0:07:02.919 the heat of the moment, even if you don't resolve it, 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:05.800 at least a good thing to do is to say, hey, 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:09.720 let's revisit this or even this they suggested, you know what, 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:13.920 we're tired right now, but tomorrow, let's do coffee. Let's 0:07:13.920 --> 0:07:15.880 take eleven o'clock, I'll meet you blah blah blah and 0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:18.880 talk instet a plan for doing it. That's intentional, that's. 0:07:18.760 --> 0:07:21.800 Mature, agreed, And I think a lot of times there 0:07:21.920 --> 0:07:25.120 is so much of the anger and the ego that 0:07:25.200 --> 0:07:29.600 comes into this comes into play. Is this fear right? 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:32.960 So if you can at least just say I love you. 0:07:33.280 --> 0:07:35.520 We don't agree on this, we can talk more about it, 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:37.920 but I love you like just and I know this 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:39.560 is the last thing you want to say sometimes when 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:44.040 you're mad at somebody some but just that little bit 0:07:44.040 --> 0:07:47.720 of reassurance that we're gonna get through this. This isn't 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:50.560 we got to figure this out. But you know a 0:07:50.640 --> 0:07:53.080 lot of people in a moment of anger and frustration 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:56.119 will do the opposite and say I'm done, We're over, 0:07:56.480 --> 0:07:59.120 I can't do this anymore. And some people even throw 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:01.800 the D word out, or they're like divorce or their breakup, 0:08:01.880 --> 0:08:05.080 or threaten all sorts of things because they're so angry, 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:08.560 because they're actually so afraid that you start going nuclear. 0:08:08.680 --> 0:08:13.160 And then the other it's yes, I think all of 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:14.840 us have been there at one point in our lives. 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:16.640 If you find this out and I found this out 0:08:16.680 --> 0:08:19.760 about you, and it's yes, it's hard sometimes because you 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:22.800 do you piss me off, and we're back and forth 0:08:22.840 --> 0:08:27.000 and something's happening. I know all you need is your 0:08:27.440 --> 0:08:31.720 handheld or and I love you, or a simple something 0:08:31.760 --> 0:08:32.760 and it's all gone right. 0:08:32.800 --> 0:08:34.679 But the point is now, when you say I love you, 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:36.880 I look at you with a side eye because I'm like, 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.920 is that a placating I love you? 0:08:40.280 --> 0:08:42.400 And I love you? Now it's got to come in 0:08:42.440 --> 0:08:44.199 different degrees. I love you. 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:46.160 I know I'll take it and I appreciate it, and 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:49.520 I actually think it Actually it's not manipulative because I 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:52.079 know you do love me. But sometimes I am laughing 0:08:52.080 --> 0:08:54.160 because I'm like, I think he's saying that because he 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:56.640 wants to say something else, but he's reminding himself that 0:08:56.720 --> 0:08:57.320 he loves. 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:00.640 And I agree. 0:09:00.679 --> 0:09:04.440 I mean, likewise what I have been doing, because I 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:07.840 am somebody who tends to react emotionally, and I know 0:09:07.920 --> 0:09:08.680 that about myself. 0:09:08.720 --> 0:09:10.360 I've learned that about myself, and. 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:13.960 I instead, if I can just literally take a breath, 0:09:14.040 --> 0:09:16.800 take a walk, take a beat, go to the bathroom, 0:09:17.360 --> 0:09:19.440 just breathe in and breathe out, and then come back 0:09:19.480 --> 0:09:20.559 and say why was I mad? 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:20.880 Again? 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:25.280 Like sometimes actually, just give yourself ninety seconds, give yourself 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:30.400 three minutes, and you'll actually say, wow, I was I 0:09:30.440 --> 0:09:32.880 was coming at that from a place of insecurity or 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:37.000 a place of I was trying to interpret something that 0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:39.920 I actually don't know what the meaning was. And so 0:09:40.240 --> 0:09:45.240 I've learned that taking a beat is everything. Taking a 0:09:45.280 --> 0:09:47.000 breath is everything. 0:09:47.360 --> 0:09:50.280 This So this is I'll pick up on your point 0:09:50.320 --> 0:09:53.640 there with what therapists use. Now, this is an actual 0:09:53.720 --> 0:09:58.040 tool therapists use when they're counseling couples, the halt. Had 0:09:58.080 --> 0:10:01.280 you heard of this before? No, not either, but the 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:06.160 halt theory, Yes, H A L T. When you are 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:10.960 any of these things, you should avoid a fight. You 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:15.760 should avoid a serious discussion when you're what robes and 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:20.360 it's halt. It's very easy to remember, isn't it ridiculous? Like, well, 0:10:20.600 --> 0:10:22.160 obviously remember this. 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:27.080 I'm laughing because this is so Yes, it's basic, and 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:30.560 it should be self. It should be something you like. 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:32.320 Self evident is the word I was looking for. Yes, 0:10:32.400 --> 0:10:34.880 thank you, but it speaks to me. 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:35.880 Yes. 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:42.960 So if you are h hungry, a angry, l lonely, 0:10:43.480 --> 0:10:48.160 or t tired, you should avoid serious conversations. And you 0:10:48.200 --> 0:10:51.440 know what, That sounds obvious, But I go back and 0:10:51.480 --> 0:10:53.640 think about the times where I'm not proud of what 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:56.280 I said, or proud of how I acted or reacted. 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:59.000 I was one of those four things or all of 0:10:59.040 --> 0:11:02.679 them combined. Yah, And on a so instant, I actually 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:05.880 would love statistics on this. How many fights happen on 0:11:05.960 --> 0:11:09.640 Friday night? I bet you a lot of fights happen 0:11:09.760 --> 0:11:12.080 on Friday night because you've just had a long week. 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:15.600 A lot of folks we are I would say, lucky 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:17.320 to spend most of our time together, but a lot 0:11:17.320 --> 0:11:19.360 of folks that spend a lot of time apart there 0:11:19.440 --> 0:11:21.120 might have been built up resentments. They haven't had a 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.200 chance to talk about it. Friday night comes, you've stuck together, 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:27.959 and all of a sudden it just comes out. And 0:11:28.000 --> 0:11:31.719 you are probably hungry, angry, lonely, and tired at the 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.440 end of the week because you've been dealing with a 0:11:34.440 --> 0:11:36.600 bunch of shit on your own. You're pissed about it, 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:39.520 you're exhausted from the week, and you probably haven't eaten. 0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:42.360 Let's talk about it. 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:46.120 Let's have a conversation about how our week went together, 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:48.400 where we have some bones to pick with one another. 0:11:48.559 --> 0:11:52.400 Last thing you want, But it is fascinating rope. Everybody 0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:56.760 understands this concept. Okay, understand that it's whatever rule, for 0:11:56.840 --> 0:11:59.480 whatever reason that's been given to us. The upsides, though 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:02.920 you're talking about it earlier, some people you know you 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:05.360 feel better. I can't sleep with this on my heart 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:09.240 on my brain and they need something resolved. Does that 0:12:09.280 --> 0:12:09.720 make sense? 0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:10.280 Yes? 0:12:10.440 --> 0:12:14.000 And I think that the intention is a good one, 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:19.280 but it doesn't ever usually end with the result you 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:21.439 were hoping for. I mean, sometimes it can be, and 0:12:21.600 --> 0:12:23.920 kudos to people who can pull that off. But I 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:26.240 do feel like if the reason for the timing is 0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:30.040 so I can actually sleep better tonight, it might not 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:31.520 end the way you want it to. 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:35.160 Okay, you would appreciate this on that point. About this 0:12:35.240 --> 0:12:36.880 is what the therapists say, and it makes sense what 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:40.920 you hear, and everybody in a relationship, my goodness, ask yourself. 0:12:40.920 --> 0:12:46.280 This robes. If you're anxious after you get in a 0:12:46.320 --> 0:12:47.720 fight with the person. 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:49.839 You always anxious after I get into a fight. 0:12:49.920 --> 0:12:52.520 But here's this. If you're anxious and they say about 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:54.640 the going this lay, I need to resolve this because 0:12:54.640 --> 0:12:58.839 I'm anxious about my relationship. I'm anxious that this thing hasn't. 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:01.000 Yes, I relate to that completely. 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:03.800 But here's the thing that the therapists are saying you 0:13:03.800 --> 0:13:07.160 should ask yourself about your relationship. What are you anxious about? Yeah, 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:10.360 just because you have a challenge, you shouldn't be worried 0:13:11.200 --> 0:13:14.520 that the relationship won't be there in the morning. People 0:13:14.559 --> 0:13:19.199 in steady and calm and happy and solid relationships and 0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:22.480 issue comes up. Okay, we have a problem. I can 0:13:22.520 --> 0:13:24.160 sleep on it. I'm going to feel better in the morning. 0:13:24.200 --> 0:13:25.360 But you know, when I get up in the morning, 0:13:25.360 --> 0:13:29.040 I'm still gonna love him, still gonna love her, and 0:13:29.080 --> 0:13:31.080 we're gonna be Okay. We just got this thing. We 0:13:31.120 --> 0:13:33.120 got it. It's not the end of the world. And 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:37.280 solid relationships understand that, and you should sleep just fine 0:13:37.320 --> 0:13:37.679 at night. 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:39.200 Is the argument correct? 0:13:39.400 --> 0:13:44.960 And I definitely can say that I am, and we 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:49.640 are at that place, but especially in early stages of relationships, 0:13:49.760 --> 0:13:54.079 or I think at different phases where different things have happened, 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:58.440 where trust has been in some instances has been tested. 0:13:58.840 --> 0:14:01.680 It's just a scary thing. And I look, I think 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:06.760 I can speak to this. If you love someone so much, 0:14:06.880 --> 0:14:10.040 you have to have that same love for yourself. If 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:12.440 you don't love yourself as much as you love the 0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:16.000 person you're with, you have an imbalance and you are 0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:19.920 going to have to investigate why you feel so needy 0:14:20.040 --> 0:14:23.400 or anxious or concerned. It might be the relationship itself, 0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:25.720 it might be the person you're with. But I think 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:29.120 sometimes it's important to take those feelings and use them 0:14:29.120 --> 0:14:33.160 for self reflection and self examination and ask yourself, why 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:36.960 do I feel so needy? What is it that I 0:14:37.000 --> 0:14:40.760 think this person should be doing for me or to 0:14:40.880 --> 0:14:43.080 make me feel better? And I think when you can 0:14:43.480 --> 0:14:48.560 make those really important self reflections and truly get curious 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:50.760 about why you feel the way you feel, it will 0:14:50.760 --> 0:14:54.600 only help improve your relationship with that other person. And 0:14:54.680 --> 0:14:57.480 so I just I think that anytime you're feeling those 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:04.160 strong feelings, it's it's your body telling you to do 0:15:04.240 --> 0:15:05.040 some examination. 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:10.760 Well, look, I didn't know where it came from. It 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:13.840 sounded like something that a therapist or a counselor came 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:17.040 up with, this idea you should never go to bed angry. 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:20.360 Well stay here, folks. Maybe you already know it, or 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:24.560 maybe you'll be surprised like us to find out it's origins. 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:37.600 And would you believe, yes, it's in the Bible. All right, folks, 0:15:37.600 --> 0:15:42.560 we continue now. I guess breaking down or debunking to 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:47.520 some degree, this rule we all thought was written in stone. 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:50.880 If you're in a relationship, you do not go to 0:15:50.960 --> 0:15:52.880 bed angry, or at least that should be the goal. 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:56.480 But certainly a lot of people do go to bed angry, 0:15:56.480 --> 0:15:59.160 of course. But the Associated Press we saw a recent 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:01.920 article they just did in which they talk to therapists 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:04.040 who are saying, we need to get rid of this 0:16:04.160 --> 0:16:07.880 idea because it's even it's unhealthy sometimes to think that 0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:10.800 you need to stay awake until the issue is resolved. 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:15.200 It's midnight, we had a bottle of wine. It's been 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:17.920 a long week. You really want to do this right now, ropes. 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:19.080 You know, it's funny. 0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:22.160 That's so in our past, in our rear view mirror. 0:16:22.200 --> 0:16:27.280 But early on that did happen, and I did. You 0:16:27.400 --> 0:16:28.800 would hear me push. 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:30.320 No, I want to talk now. No, I want to 0:16:30.360 --> 0:16:31.560 talk now. I want to I. 0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:36.920 Want to get through this now, And always nothing. I 0:16:36.920 --> 0:16:42.240 can't think of one time something got resolved and we didn't. 0:16:42.280 --> 0:16:45.080 This didn't happen often, but the few times it did, 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:49.320 I always in the morning, I would wake up going, why. 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:52.800 Why did I insist? Because it's it's so. 0:16:52.840 --> 0:16:56.720 Much clearer this morning. I understand so much better now 0:16:57.200 --> 0:16:59.920 and I do think. I mean, we haven't had any 0:17:00.320 --> 0:17:03.400 like that recently, but it's not to say it couldn't 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:08.520 happen again. But through experience, I really do feel like 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:11.760 and I love getting permission from a therapist to say, 0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:17.119 go ahead, go to bed pissed off, but go to 0:17:17.200 --> 0:17:19.800 bed pissed off knowing that things will get better in 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:22.560 the morning, knowing that you're gonna be able to have 0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:28.439 a better, healthier, more rested conversation in the morning that 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:30.520 will actually be constructive. 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:34.040 Oh that's my go to. Now I can end all 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:35.720 of our fights by just saying, let's talk about it 0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:38.840 in the morning. I don't care if it's nine am 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:40.640 when we have in our fights. Let's just talk about 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:44.600 it tomorrow morning. Now, because you have seen it work. 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:48.760 Sometimes in the moment, people just can't control themselves, so 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:51.920 we need to create another moment outside of this one. 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:55.159 So yeah, it's been working. Now, how I thought this 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:57.480 was a good This is a useful tip here. This 0:17:57.600 --> 0:17:59.639 is a pro tip that they give for how you 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:04.080 can avoid I guess those moments of unsafety, those moments 0:18:04.520 --> 0:18:07.360 where you don't feel like you can't express yourself, those 0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:10.639 moments where of anxiety that you, I don't know, are 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:16.000 afraid to go to bed angry. They said, create habits 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:20.680 of communication to where ask your partner every day, how 0:18:20.800 --> 0:18:22.479 is your day or how was your morning? Or how 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:24.240 did that thing go? Or even if they go to 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:26.600 the grocery story, do you have any issues getting done 0:18:26.640 --> 0:18:28.439 to out? Did the god at the front desk bother you? 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:32.359 Or did that crazy lady at the checkout count I 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:35.120 should give your heart like what you're doing is creating 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:38.720 little habits and openings for your partner to be okay 0:18:38.800 --> 0:18:41.720 talking to you when there is any issue, to where 0:18:41.720 --> 0:18:44.520 we don't have to blow up at some big issue 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:47.720 that comes. It's constant communication to where you know that 0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:50.560 your partner might be a little down, a little sad, 0:18:50.600 --> 0:18:52.879 a little annoyed by something you did. It's just regular 0:18:53.000 --> 0:18:54.240 check in. So I thought that was a good time. 0:18:54.400 --> 0:19:00.200 Well, I think that exactly creates what people want more 0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:04.439 than anything in a relationship, which is emotional security. So 0:19:04.560 --> 0:19:06.720 if you feel like I can tell my or not 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:09.399 just I can tell my partner, but my partner cares 0:19:09.560 --> 0:19:13.560 enough to ask me about what happened, and if I 0:19:13.600 --> 0:19:16.119 share something bad that happened, he can be there to 0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:20.320 comfort me. Or to at least, you know, give me 0:19:20.880 --> 0:19:25.320 some sort of place where I can just vent and 0:19:25.560 --> 0:19:28.040 knowing that you've got that person you can say anything 0:19:28.080 --> 0:19:33.040 too and share anything with. When you stop sharing things 0:19:33.080 --> 0:19:35.200 with your partner, when you stop feeling like you can 0:19:35.240 --> 0:19:38.760 tell your partner something that happened to you bad, sad, scary, 0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:41.840 that's a red flag. And it's not that it's not 0:19:42.440 --> 0:19:45.399 it's it's surmountable. You can overcome it. You just have 0:19:45.480 --> 0:19:46.240 to be aware of it. 0:19:46.280 --> 0:19:48.240 And if you are starting to get to that place, 0:19:48.600 --> 0:19:49.440 that is a warning sign. 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:52.359 Hey, we need to do better at communicating and making 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:57.040 each other feel secure in each other's problems and issues 0:19:57.080 --> 0:20:02.480 and just being willing to resolve them together. I ask you, Yeah, 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:05.400 you're really good about asking me how my day went, 0:20:05.800 --> 0:20:06.479 how I'm feeling. 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:10.040 There was something recently and I made sure I may 0:20:10.320 --> 0:20:12.200 I don't know if it was your nails, or there 0:20:12.240 --> 0:20:15.879 was something that seemingly was mineor and I made a point, Ah, 0:20:15.880 --> 0:20:18.360 I've got to make sure I ask her how that went, 0:20:18.359 --> 0:20:21.800 because it seemed like a shitty thing to do. Now, 0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:24.160 even ask about your experience where you had just been 0:20:24.200 --> 0:20:26.400 it actually registered to me. I remember this the other day. 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:28.399 Well, I think we don't spend a lot of time apart, 0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:30.680 but we have a couple of times here and there, 0:20:30.720 --> 0:20:34.840 Like it is a nail appointment. It's something as insignificant 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:38.080 as that, where we're hey, wow, I haven't seen you 0:20:38.119 --> 0:20:38.640 in an hour. 0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:39.760 How did your nails go? 0:20:40.240 --> 0:20:42.000 Texting you in the bathroom? Hey, did you have a 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:42.560 good shampoo? 0:20:44.119 --> 0:20:48.400 No? But those things do matter, and it may seem like, wow, 0:20:48.480 --> 0:20:50.679 I need to Even if you have to tell yourself 0:20:50.720 --> 0:20:52.880 to do it, it does make a difference. 0:20:52.960 --> 0:20:56.560 It does make someone feel like that person cares about 0:20:56.600 --> 0:20:58.399 me and cares about what's happened. 0:20:58.480 --> 0:21:01.399 I don't have to tell you or bother you with 0:21:02.359 --> 0:21:06.119 some complaint. I have you gave me permission? You want 0:21:06.160 --> 0:21:08.560 to hear how I'm doing, and this is how I'm doing. Yeah, 0:21:08.560 --> 0:21:11.560 a lot of people just need permission. And I thought 0:21:11.560 --> 0:21:13.600 that was a great, great tip. But I did not 0:21:13.760 --> 0:21:18.680 know Robes there are some biblical origins to this rule. 0:21:18.920 --> 0:21:20.040 I did not know that either. 0:21:20.119 --> 0:21:23.560 Ephesians for twenty six and twenty seven. I'm not sure 0:21:23.560 --> 0:21:26.440 which version this one here in particular is, but it says, 0:21:26.480 --> 0:21:29.040 and I quote, go ahead and be angry. You do 0:21:29.160 --> 0:21:32.360 well to be angry but don't use your anger as 0:21:32.480 --> 0:21:36.879