1 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:06,040 Speaker 1: Hey there, folks, it is Friday, October tenth, and are 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:11,559 Speaker 1: you heading to bed angry tonight? Well knock your self out, 3 00:00:12,119 --> 00:00:14,200 Speaker 1: welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. You're not 4 00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:16,720 Speaker 1: supposed to. We have been. Doesn't everybody know that's a 5 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:20,239 Speaker 1: hard fast rule. You're not supposed to go to bed 6 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,279 Speaker 1: angry when you're in a relationship. 7 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:26,160 Speaker 2: I have heard that for all of my life, and 8 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:31,160 Speaker 2: I have never been able to actually put that into 9 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 2: practice as much as I would have liked to, and 10 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,919 Speaker 2: sometimes I didn't want to, And so it's actually refreshing 11 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,720 Speaker 2: to hear that I don't have to. Why do we 12 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,879 Speaker 2: think we have to? Who says that's the way it 13 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:41,520 Speaker 2: has to be? 14 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: No matter what shouldn't be the goal? 15 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 2: I think that would be awesome. But I think anytime 16 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,760 Speaker 2: you're told you should do something or you need to 17 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 2: feel a certain way, I guess actions are different than feelings. 18 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,920 Speaker 2: So maybe you do something even if you don't feel it. 19 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,720 Speaker 2: But that also feels disingenuous, and I don't know how. 20 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:00,960 Speaker 3: I don't know. 21 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 2: I've struggled with this concept for most of my life, 22 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:05,039 Speaker 2: and we. 23 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 1: Are talking about it now. Look, this conversation comes up 24 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:12,640 Speaker 1: every now and again out there and whatever circles. But 25 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:15,320 Speaker 1: this week we got this recently from the Associated Press 26 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,760 Speaker 1: who kind of put it back out there because they 27 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 1: were in conversation with a therapist who said, absolutely, knock 28 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: yourself out, go to bed angry. You might be doing 29 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 1: more harm than good trying to stay up and resolve something. 30 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 2: Look and to that point, that has been something that 31 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 2: I have learned to amend truly in my relationship with you, 32 00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:44,199 Speaker 2: because in the morning things look different they just do 33 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 2: at night. You're exhausted, you're tired. Who knows what kind 34 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 2: of day you've had. You're bringing all of that into 35 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,160 Speaker 2: your feelings into an argument that might not have a 36 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 2: place actually that you're now inflating the situation because you 37 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 2: were dealing with other stressors throughout your day. So I 38 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,360 Speaker 2: do think in the morning you have a clearer head, 39 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 2: better perspective, and you're refreshed, and that's a better place 40 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:15,360 Speaker 2: to begin having a conversation about something you disagree about 41 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:20,239 Speaker 2: versus a fight that takes place late at night. I think, 42 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 2: don't I don't know. It feels like a lot of 43 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 2: arguments happen at the end of the day. 44 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 1: Oh, at the end of the day, when you're when 45 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 1: you're tired, lost it, when you just went all through 46 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 1: that hell at the office, when you just want to 47 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 1: go to bed after you've had that after work drink. 48 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 1: What do you mean this conversation isn't going well. Yes, 49 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,760 Speaker 1: you're at your absolute worst physical spot and mental spot 50 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,400 Speaker 1: at the end of the day, and you're getting hit 51 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 1: with the heaviest stuff in conversation. And we're being told 52 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:52,760 Speaker 1: everybody knows this road, it's just accepted. It's the rule. 53 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,160 Speaker 1: Don't go to bed angry. 54 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,519 Speaker 2: Here's the reason why I think a lot of people 55 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,400 Speaker 2: subscribe to this just from a you know, I don't know, 56 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,680 Speaker 2: but we'll get into the origins of it. And that's 57 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,200 Speaker 2: fascinating in and of itself, actually, But I do think 58 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,000 Speaker 2: you're telling yourself. 59 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:08,919 Speaker 3: I'm not going to be able to sleep. 60 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 2: I'm going to toss in turn, I'm going to be ruminating, 61 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,360 Speaker 2: like I'm going to be like going over everything in 62 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,520 Speaker 2: my head, and I'm going to lose an entire night's 63 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,680 Speaker 2: worth of rest because I haven't resolved this. So resolving 64 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,560 Speaker 2: it will allow me to sleep better. But I just 65 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:27,240 Speaker 2: I honestly am thinking back in my life, honestly over 66 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 2: a fight that happened near bedtime or continued through where 67 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 2: you should go to bed. I can't think of an 68 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 2: instance where it was like, kumbai ya, everything's figured out, 69 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,680 Speaker 2: we're all happy, and we can all sleep peacefully. It 70 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:47,400 Speaker 2: doesn't usually get resolved in some peaceful, satisfactory way when 71 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 2: you're already that upset, but you are. 72 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,360 Speaker 1: Also someone, at least in my experience with you don't 73 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,440 Speaker 1: know who this was before you're sleeping next to and 74 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 1: doing this fighting with. My point my twice divorce love 75 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 1: is that we have found some way and we have 76 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 1: figured this out to where we do absolutely not go 77 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:18,360 Speaker 1: to bed angry, but we also don't spend much time 78 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 1: during the day angry is the thing. We have found 79 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:25,600 Speaker 1: a way. We haven't mastered. This is something we continue 80 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,599 Speaker 1: to work on. But from where we were to where 81 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,160 Speaker 1: we are in terms of recognizing, I know you want 82 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:35,680 Speaker 1: stuff resolved, Let's move on and go back to being happy. 83 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:41,599 Speaker 1: Within five minutes, I need a beat, So even us 84 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,359 Speaker 1: it's not just a matter of understanding, but we're now 85 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 1: respecting that in the middle of something going on, we 86 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: need possibly two very different things from each other, and 87 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 1: in at least respecting each other a little bit, it's 88 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 1: led to some kind of compromise to where we have 89 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: figured something out and the fights end before they even start. 90 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 2: It's true because I now recognize what you need, and 91 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:15,479 Speaker 2: I recognize that when I actually extend that grace to you, 92 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:20,159 Speaker 2: you relax, you're not as upset, and therefore things just 93 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,160 Speaker 2: get a little bit better. And I think you recognize 94 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,920 Speaker 2: if you just say one kind thing or soften something 95 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 2: just a bit, I relax and then things get better. 96 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,839 Speaker 2: I think that's part of understanding your partner's needs and 97 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,120 Speaker 2: not just thinking about. 98 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,280 Speaker 3: What you need and what you want. 99 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:38,159 Speaker 2: And I think oftentimes I had been in that place 100 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,479 Speaker 2: in my head where all I was thinking about was 101 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 2: being right or justifying how I felt, or proving that 102 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:50,360 Speaker 2: the other person was wrong. That doesn't ever work, ever, ever, 103 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 2: for anyone. So if you start thinking about what it 104 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,840 Speaker 2: is your partner needs, and that's really hard to do 105 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,680 Speaker 2: when you're pissed, but if you can really think about that, 106 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 2: it dates things so quickly that even if it's unresolved, 107 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,680 Speaker 2: and even if there still might be a little bit 108 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,479 Speaker 2: of underlying tension that you can deal with in the 109 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 2: morning in a very calm, respectful way. Just bringing down 110 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:17,480 Speaker 2: the tension is enough or preventing the fight from starting. 111 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: Okay, so you said bringing down the tension. That's very 112 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: very important to this conversation and what therapists are saying, 113 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 1: at least to one the ap talk to bringing down 114 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: the temperature. That says a lot about your relationship. If 115 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,360 Speaker 1: you're able to look at each other and understand and respect. 116 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,719 Speaker 1: We got a problem right now. This is not a 117 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,080 Speaker 1: good time for us to be doing it. We're going 118 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,920 Speaker 1: to meet back up and resolve this. If you are 119 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 1: in a respectful if you are in a solid relationship, 120 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,279 Speaker 1: that's not a problem because oftentimes people will do that 121 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: and then they don't follow up. I'm like, okay, let's 122 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,640 Speaker 1: talk about this later, and you don't talk about it later, 123 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 1: and this goes and goes and go. But even in 124 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:02,919 Speaker 1: the heat of the moment, even if you don't resolve it, 125 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,800 Speaker 1: at least a good thing to do is to say, hey, 126 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: let's revisit this or even this they suggested, you know what, 127 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:13,920 Speaker 1: we're tired right now, but tomorrow, let's do coffee. Let's 128 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,880 Speaker 1: take eleven o'clock, I'll meet you blah blah blah and 129 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,880 Speaker 1: talk instet a plan for doing it. That's intentional, that's. 130 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 2: Mature, agreed, And I think a lot of times there 131 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 2: is so much of the anger and the ego that 132 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:29,600 Speaker 2: comes into this comes into play. Is this fear right? 133 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,960 Speaker 2: So if you can at least just say I love you. 134 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 2: We don't agree on this, we can talk more about it, 135 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,920 Speaker 2: but I love you like just and I know this 136 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 2: is the last thing you want to say sometimes when 137 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:44,040 Speaker 2: you're mad at somebody some but just that little bit 138 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 2: of reassurance that we're gonna get through this. This isn't 139 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 2: we got to figure this out. But you know a 140 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 2: lot of people in a moment of anger and frustration 141 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,119 Speaker 2: will do the opposite and say I'm done, We're over, 142 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,120 Speaker 2: I can't do this anymore. And some people even throw 143 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 2: the D word out, or they're like divorce or their breakup, 144 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,080 Speaker 2: or threaten all sorts of things because they're so angry, 145 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,560 Speaker 2: because they're actually so afraid that you start going nuclear. 146 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:13,160 Speaker 2: And then the other it's yes, I think all of 147 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 2: us have been there at one point in our lives. 148 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,640 Speaker 1: If you find this out and I found this out 149 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 1: about you, and it's yes, it's hard sometimes because you 150 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 1: do you piss me off, and we're back and forth 151 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:27,000 Speaker 1: and something's happening. I know all you need is your 152 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,720 Speaker 1: handheld or and I love you, or a simple something 153 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:32,760 Speaker 1: and it's all gone right. 154 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,679 Speaker 2: But the point is now, when you say I love you, 155 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,880 Speaker 2: I look at you with a side eye because I'm like, 156 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 2: is that a placating I love you? 157 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 1: And I love you? Now it's got to come in 158 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,199 Speaker 1: different degrees. I love you. 159 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,160 Speaker 2: I know I'll take it and I appreciate it, and 160 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 2: I actually think it Actually it's not manipulative because I 161 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:52,079 Speaker 2: know you do love me. But sometimes I am laughing 162 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 2: because I'm like, I think he's saying that because he 163 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 2: wants to say something else, but he's reminding himself that 164 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:57,320 Speaker 2: he loves. 165 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:00,640 Speaker 3: And I agree. 166 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:04,440 Speaker 2: I mean, likewise what I have been doing, because I 167 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:07,840 Speaker 2: am somebody who tends to react emotionally, and I know 168 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:08,680 Speaker 2: that about myself. 169 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,360 Speaker 3: I've learned that about myself, and. 170 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,960 Speaker 2: I instead, if I can just literally take a breath, 171 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 2: take a walk, take a beat, go to the bathroom, 172 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,440 Speaker 2: just breathe in and breathe out, and then come back 173 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,559 Speaker 2: and say why was I mad? 174 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:20,880 Speaker 1: Again? 175 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:25,280 Speaker 2: Like sometimes actually, just give yourself ninety seconds, give yourself 176 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:30,400 Speaker 2: three minutes, and you'll actually say, wow, I was I 177 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 2: was coming at that from a place of insecurity or 178 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 2: a place of I was trying to interpret something that 179 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,920 Speaker 2: I actually don't know what the meaning was. And so 180 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:45,240 Speaker 2: I've learned that taking a beat is everything. Taking a 181 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,000 Speaker 2: breath is everything. 182 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,280 Speaker 1: This So this is I'll pick up on your point 183 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 1: there with what therapists use. Now, this is an actual 184 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: tool therapists use when they're counseling couples, the halt. Had 185 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,280 Speaker 1: you heard of this before? No, not either, but the 186 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 1: halt theory, Yes, H A L T. When you are 187 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,960 Speaker 1: any of these things, you should avoid a fight. You 188 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 1: should avoid a serious discussion when you're what robes and 189 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 1: it's halt. It's very easy to remember, isn't it ridiculous? Like, well, 190 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,160 Speaker 1: obviously remember this. 191 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:27,080 Speaker 2: I'm laughing because this is so Yes, it's basic, and 192 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,560 Speaker 2: it should be self. It should be something you like. 193 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,320 Speaker 2: Self evident is the word I was looking for. Yes, 194 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 2: thank you, but it speaks to me. 195 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: Yes. 196 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:42,960 Speaker 2: So if you are h hungry, a angry, l lonely, 197 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 2: or t tired, you should avoid serious conversations. And you 198 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,440 Speaker 2: know what, That sounds obvious, But I go back and 199 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,640 Speaker 2: think about the times where I'm not proud of what 200 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 2: I said, or proud of how I acted or reacted. 201 00:10:56,679 --> 00:10:59,000 Speaker 2: I was one of those four things or all of 202 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,679 Speaker 2: them combined. Yah, And on a so instant, I actually 203 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:05,880 Speaker 2: would love statistics on this. How many fights happen on 204 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:09,640 Speaker 2: Friday night? I bet you a lot of fights happen 205 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,080 Speaker 2: on Friday night because you've just had a long week. 206 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,600 Speaker 2: A lot of folks we are I would say, lucky 207 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,320 Speaker 2: to spend most of our time together, but a lot 208 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 2: of folks that spend a lot of time apart there 209 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 2: might have been built up resentments. They haven't had a 210 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,200 Speaker 2: chance to talk about it. Friday night comes, you've stuck together, 211 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:27,959 Speaker 2: and all of a sudden it just comes out. And 212 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,719 Speaker 2: you are probably hungry, angry, lonely, and tired at the 213 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 2: end of the week because you've been dealing with a 214 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,600 Speaker 2: bunch of shit on your own. You're pissed about it, 215 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:39,520 Speaker 2: you're exhausted from the week, and you probably haven't eaten. 216 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:42,360 Speaker 1: Let's talk about it. 217 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,120 Speaker 2: Let's have a conversation about how our week went together, 218 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,400 Speaker 2: where we have some bones to pick with one another. 219 00:11:48,559 --> 00:11:52,400 Speaker 1: Last thing you want, But it is fascinating rope. Everybody 220 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:56,760 Speaker 1: understands this concept. Okay, understand that it's whatever rule, for 221 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 1: whatever reason that's been given to us. The upsides, though 222 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,920 Speaker 1: you're talking about it earlier, some people you know you 223 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,360 Speaker 1: feel better. I can't sleep with this on my heart 224 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,240 Speaker 1: on my brain and they need something resolved. Does that 225 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:09,720 Speaker 1: make sense? 226 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:10,280 Speaker 3: Yes? 227 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 2: And I think that the intention is a good one, 228 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:19,280 Speaker 2: but it doesn't ever usually end with the result you 229 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,439 Speaker 2: were hoping for. I mean, sometimes it can be, and 230 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,920 Speaker 2: kudos to people who can pull that off. But I 231 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,240 Speaker 2: do feel like if the reason for the timing is 232 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:30,040 Speaker 2: so I can actually sleep better tonight, it might not 233 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 2: end the way you want it to. 234 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: Okay, you would appreciate this on that point. About this 235 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:36,880 Speaker 1: is what the therapists say, and it makes sense what 236 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 1: you hear, and everybody in a relationship, my goodness, ask yourself. 237 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 1: This robes. If you're anxious after you get in a 238 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,720 Speaker 1: fight with the person. 239 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,839 Speaker 3: You always anxious after I get into a fight. 240 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: But here's this. If you're anxious and they say about 241 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 1: the going this lay, I need to resolve this because 242 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,839 Speaker 1: I'm anxious about my relationship. I'm anxious that this thing hasn't. 243 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,000 Speaker 3: Yes, I relate to that completely. 244 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,800 Speaker 1: But here's the thing that the therapists are saying you 245 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 1: should ask yourself about your relationship. What are you anxious about? Yeah, 246 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 1: just because you have a challenge, you shouldn't be worried 247 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,520 Speaker 1: that the relationship won't be there in the morning. People 248 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:19,199 Speaker 1: in steady and calm and happy and solid relationships and 249 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,480 Speaker 1: issue comes up. Okay, we have a problem. I can 250 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,160 Speaker 1: sleep on it. I'm going to feel better in the morning. 251 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,360 Speaker 1: But you know, when I get up in the morning, 252 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: I'm still gonna love him, still gonna love her, and 253 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,080 Speaker 1: we're gonna be Okay. We just got this thing. We 254 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,120 Speaker 1: got it. It's not the end of the world. And 255 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:37,280 Speaker 1: solid relationships understand that, and you should sleep just fine 256 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:37,679 Speaker 1: at night. 257 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,200 Speaker 3: Is the argument correct? 258 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:44,960 Speaker 2: And I definitely can say that I am, and we 259 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:49,640 Speaker 2: are at that place, but especially in early stages of relationships, 260 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:54,079 Speaker 2: or I think at different phases where different things have happened, 261 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:58,440 Speaker 2: where trust has been in some instances has been tested. 262 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,680 Speaker 2: It's just a scary thing. And I look, I think 263 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,760 Speaker 2: I can speak to this. If you love someone so much, 264 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 2: you have to have that same love for yourself. If 265 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,440 Speaker 2: you don't love yourself as much as you love the 266 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 2: person you're with, you have an imbalance and you are 267 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 2: going to have to investigate why you feel so needy 268 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:23,400 Speaker 2: or anxious or concerned. It might be the relationship itself, 269 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 2: it might be the person you're with. But I think 270 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,120 Speaker 2: sometimes it's important to take those feelings and use them 271 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 2: for self reflection and self examination and ask yourself, why 272 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 2: do I feel so needy? What is it that I 273 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,760 Speaker 2: think this person should be doing for me or to 274 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,080 Speaker 2: make me feel better? And I think when you can 275 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:48,560 Speaker 2: make those really important self reflections and truly get curious 276 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,760 Speaker 2: about why you feel the way you feel, it will 277 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:54,600 Speaker 2: only help improve your relationship with that other person. And 278 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 2: so I just I think that anytime you're feeling those 279 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:04,160 Speaker 2: strong feelings, it's it's your body telling you to do 280 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,040 Speaker 2: some examination. 281 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 1: Well, look, I didn't know where it came from. It 282 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 1: sounded like something that a therapist or a counselor came 283 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,040 Speaker 1: up with, this idea you should never go to bed angry. 284 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,360 Speaker 1: Well stay here, folks. Maybe you already know it, or 285 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 1: maybe you'll be surprised like us to find out it's origins. 286 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:37,600 Speaker 1: And would you believe, yes, it's in the Bible. All right, folks, 287 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 1: we continue now. I guess breaking down or debunking to 288 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 1: some degree, this rule we all thought was written in stone. 289 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 1: If you're in a relationship, you do not go to 290 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,880 Speaker 1: bed angry, or at least that should be the goal. 291 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 1: But certainly a lot of people do go to bed angry, 292 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: of course. But the Associated Press we saw a recent 293 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,920 Speaker 1: article they just did in which they talk to therapists 294 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,040 Speaker 1: who are saying, we need to get rid of this 295 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,880 Speaker 1: idea because it's even it's unhealthy sometimes to think that 296 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,800 Speaker 1: you need to stay awake until the issue is resolved. 297 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 1: It's midnight, we had a bottle of wine. It's been 298 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,920 Speaker 1: a long week. You really want to do this right now, ropes. 299 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 3: You know, it's funny. 300 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 2: That's so in our past, in our rear view mirror. 301 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 2: But early on that did happen, and I did. You 302 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,800 Speaker 2: would hear me push. 303 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,320 Speaker 3: No, I want to talk now. No, I want to 304 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,560 Speaker 3: talk now. I want to I. 305 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 2: Want to get through this now, And always nothing. I 306 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:42,240 Speaker 2: can't think of one time something got resolved and we didn't. 307 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,080 Speaker 2: This didn't happen often, but the few times it did, 308 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,320 Speaker 2: I always in the morning, I would wake up going, why. 309 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,800 Speaker 3: Why did I insist? Because it's it's so. 310 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 2: Much clearer this morning. I understand so much better now 311 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 2: and I do think. I mean, we haven't had any 312 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 2: like that recently, but it's not to say it couldn't 313 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:08,520 Speaker 2: happen again. But through experience, I really do feel like 314 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,760 Speaker 2: and I love getting permission from a therapist to say, 315 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,119 Speaker 2: go ahead, go to bed pissed off, but go to 316 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 2: bed pissed off knowing that things will get better in 317 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:22,560 Speaker 2: the morning, knowing that you're gonna be able to have 318 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:28,439 Speaker 2: a better, healthier, more rested conversation in the morning that 319 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 2: will actually be constructive. 320 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,040 Speaker 1: Oh that's my go to. Now I can end all 321 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,720 Speaker 1: of our fights by just saying, let's talk about it 322 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,840 Speaker 1: in the morning. I don't care if it's nine am 323 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,640 Speaker 1: when we have in our fights. Let's just talk about 324 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 1: it tomorrow morning. Now, because you have seen it work. 325 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 1: Sometimes in the moment, people just can't control themselves, so 326 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,920 Speaker 1: we need to create another moment outside of this one. 327 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:55,159 Speaker 1: So yeah, it's been working. Now, how I thought this 328 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,480 Speaker 1: was a good This is a useful tip here. This 329 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,639 Speaker 1: is a pro tip that they give for how you 330 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 1: can avoid I guess those moments of unsafety, those moments 331 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,360 Speaker 1: where you don't feel like you can't express yourself, those 332 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: moments where of anxiety that you, I don't know, are 333 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: afraid to go to bed angry. They said, create habits 334 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,680 Speaker 1: of communication to where ask your partner every day, how 335 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,479 Speaker 1: is your day or how was your morning? Or how 336 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,240 Speaker 1: did that thing go? Or even if they go to 337 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 1: the grocery story, do you have any issues getting done 338 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,439 Speaker 1: to out? Did the god at the front desk bother you? 339 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,359 Speaker 1: Or did that crazy lady at the checkout count I 340 00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:35,120 Speaker 1: should give your heart like what you're doing is creating 341 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:38,720 Speaker 1: little habits and openings for your partner to be okay 342 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,720 Speaker 1: talking to you when there is any issue, to where 343 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,520 Speaker 1: we don't have to blow up at some big issue 344 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 1: that comes. It's constant communication to where you know that 345 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: your partner might be a little down, a little sad, 346 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,879 Speaker 1: a little annoyed by something you did. It's just regular 347 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,240 Speaker 1: check in. So I thought that was a good time. 348 00:18:54,400 --> 00:19:00,200 Speaker 2: Well, I think that exactly creates what people want more 349 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:04,439 Speaker 2: than anything in a relationship, which is emotional security. So 350 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,720 Speaker 2: if you feel like I can tell my or not 351 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,399 Speaker 2: just I can tell my partner, but my partner cares 352 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,560 Speaker 2: enough to ask me about what happened, and if I 353 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,119 Speaker 2: share something bad that happened, he can be there to 354 00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:20,320 Speaker 2: comfort me. Or to at least, you know, give me 355 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 2: some sort of place where I can just vent and 356 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:28,040 Speaker 2: knowing that you've got that person you can say anything 357 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:33,040 Speaker 2: too and share anything with. When you stop sharing things 358 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,200 Speaker 2: with your partner, when you stop feeling like you can 359 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 2: tell your partner something that happened to you bad, sad, scary, 360 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 2: that's a red flag. And it's not that it's not 361 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,399 Speaker 2: it's it's surmountable. You can overcome it. You just have 362 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:46,240 Speaker 2: to be aware of it. 363 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 3: And if you are starting to get to that place, 364 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:49,440 Speaker 3: that is a warning sign. 365 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,359 Speaker 2: Hey, we need to do better at communicating and making 366 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:57,040 Speaker 2: each other feel secure in each other's problems and issues 367 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:02,480 Speaker 2: and just being willing to resolve them together. I ask you, Yeah, 368 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,400 Speaker 2: you're really good about asking me how my day went, 369 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:06,479 Speaker 2: how I'm feeling. 370 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,040 Speaker 1: There was something recently and I made sure I may 371 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: I don't know if it was your nails, or there 372 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 1: was something that seemingly was mineor and I made a point, Ah, 373 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,360 Speaker 1: I've got to make sure I ask her how that went, 374 00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:21,800 Speaker 1: because it seemed like a shitty thing to do. Now, 375 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,160 Speaker 1: even ask about your experience where you had just been 376 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,400 Speaker 1: it actually registered to me. I remember this the other day. 377 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,399 Speaker 2: Well, I think we don't spend a lot of time apart, 378 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,680 Speaker 2: but we have a couple of times here and there, 379 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,840 Speaker 2: Like it is a nail appointment. It's something as insignificant 380 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:38,080 Speaker 2: as that, where we're hey, wow, I haven't seen you 381 00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:38,640 Speaker 2: in an hour. 382 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:39,760 Speaker 3: How did your nails go? 383 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,000 Speaker 1: Texting you in the bathroom? Hey, did you have a 384 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:42,560 Speaker 1: good shampoo? 385 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:48,400 Speaker 2: No? But those things do matter, and it may seem like, wow, 386 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,679 Speaker 2: I need to Even if you have to tell yourself 387 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,880 Speaker 2: to do it, it does make a difference. 388 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,560 Speaker 3: It does make someone feel like that person cares about 389 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,399 Speaker 3: me and cares about what's happened. 390 00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,399 Speaker 1: I don't have to tell you or bother you with 391 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:06,119 Speaker 1: some complaint. I have you gave me permission? You want 392 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,560 Speaker 1: to hear how I'm doing, and this is how I'm doing. Yeah, 393 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 1: a lot of people just need permission. And I thought 394 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: that was a great, great tip. But I did not 395 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:18,680 Speaker 1: know Robes there are some biblical origins to this rule. 396 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:20,040 Speaker 3: I did not know that either. 397 00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:23,560 Speaker 1: Ephesians for twenty six and twenty seven. I'm not sure 398 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,440 Speaker 1: which version this one here in particular is, but it says, 399 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,040 Speaker 1: and I quote, go ahead and be angry. You do 400 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,360 Speaker 1: well to be angry but don't use your anger as 401 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,879 Speaker 1: fuel for revenge, and don't stay angry, don't go to 402 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 1: bed angry, don't give the devil that kind of foothold 403 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:45,880 Speaker 1: in your life. In Robes, there are some absolutely Christians 404 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:49,679 Speaker 1: who adhere to the idea, Yes, you should get rid 405 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,879 Speaker 1: of that anger in your heart because you leave an 406 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:52,760 Speaker 1: opening for the devil. 407 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,399 Speaker 3: I have a couple thoughts on that. 408 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,159 Speaker 2: First of all, I do think there's something to that, 409 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 2: because if you stay angry, what you start doing in 410 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,359 Speaker 2: your mind, everyone be honest with themselves. You've been in 411 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 2: a fight with somebody, the more time that goes by 412 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,080 Speaker 2: without you addressing it or without you having a conversation 413 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 2: about it, the more time it's all your side and 414 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:17,159 Speaker 2: you continually and then up the demonization of the person 415 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,520 Speaker 2: you're fighting with, where you start really and truly coming 416 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,960 Speaker 2: up with things that validate your feeling and so whether 417 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,360 Speaker 2: they're true or not. We all have a lens through 418 00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:29,640 Speaker 2: which we see things, and if we're seeing things through 419 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,439 Speaker 2: a lens of anger, it's us versus them, it's you 420 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,720 Speaker 2: versus me, and then you just people even call other 421 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,359 Speaker 2: people friends, family members and get them on their side 422 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,560 Speaker 2: because you want to feel like you're right and they're wrong. 423 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 2: You're not there to understand, to learn, to grow, to 424 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,719 Speaker 2: come together. You're there to prove your right. So the 425 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,880 Speaker 2: longer it goes, the more you get in that mindset. 426 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,360 Speaker 2: So that makes sense, And yes, if that's the devil's work, 427 00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:56,320 Speaker 2: however you want to put it, but it leaves open 428 00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:59,000 Speaker 2: the opportunity for you to grow further apart, for you 429 00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:03,159 Speaker 2: to feel more justified because you have to your egos 430 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,240 Speaker 2: telling you I have to prove there's a real reason 431 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,119 Speaker 2: why I feel this way and there to blame instead 432 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:12,120 Speaker 2: of being introspective and saying, huh, I wonder why that 433 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,199 Speaker 2: triggered me. I wonder what in my past made me 434 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 2: so sensitive in that moment, Like that's something we very 435 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,879 Speaker 2: rarely are willing to ask ourselves after a fight, or 436 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,960 Speaker 2: after an argument or after a disagreement. But that is 437 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 2: actually the healthy way to look at it. Yes, someone 438 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,600 Speaker 2: could have said something inappropriate, but you also have to 439 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,919 Speaker 2: acknowledge that you might be sensitive to something based on 440 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:34,560 Speaker 2: your past experience. 441 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,280 Speaker 1: You're not going to get that clarity Friday night, after 442 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 1: long week's work and you're hungry and you just had 443 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: two martinis after work it's just you are not it's 444 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,040 Speaker 1: not a good time to do it. But I thought 445 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,040 Speaker 1: that was interesting. I did not know it had those leanings. 446 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 1: So and again, we don't give that advice. So I 447 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,639 Speaker 1: can tell you what works for us. We can tell 448 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,200 Speaker 1: you what therapists sae. But yeah, there are plenty of 449 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,040 Speaker 1: folks out there who still adhere to that rule and 450 00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,719 Speaker 1: certainly say it's a good one to try to at 451 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:00,520 Speaker 1: least aspired to you. 452 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,719 Speaker 2: We had such amazing conversations in our love Story series 453 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:10,080 Speaker 2: last February, and from a licensed therapist who deals with 454 00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:13,360 Speaker 2: couples therapies to other folks who just gave their anecdotal 455 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,719 Speaker 2: experience of fighting. And I think everyone said they went 456 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:17,200 Speaker 2: to bed angry at one point or the other. 457 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,720 Speaker 1: How many couples did we do, I believe, I think 458 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:22,680 Speaker 1: exactly said. 459 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 2: But a couple of them had really cute, cool ways 460 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,000 Speaker 2: of dealing with it. For instance, I remember one couple 461 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,800 Speaker 2: I can't remember who said what said even if they're angry, 462 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,760 Speaker 2: just putting their foot on top of the other person's 463 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,920 Speaker 2: foot in bed, just let that person know, Yeah, I'm 464 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:38,679 Speaker 2: still pissed. 465 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:39,840 Speaker 3: At you, but I still love you. You don't have 466 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:40,800 Speaker 3: to say it. 467 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,840 Speaker 2: But just that act of and you and I have 468 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:46,840 Speaker 2: done this holding hands, even if we're not in a 469 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,600 Speaker 2: great place, you reaching out me reaching out to you. 470 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 2: It actually warms my heart, It relaxes my body. 471 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,800 Speaker 3: I know that we're going to get through it. 472 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:59,640 Speaker 2: And it's just a small gesture that has a huge impact. 473 00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:03,520 Speaker 2: So just a physical touch in any way, small as 474 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,680 Speaker 2: it might be in that bed. You don't have to 475 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,560 Speaker 2: actually make up or figure anything out, but that is huge. 476 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,639 Speaker 3: And I just I thought that was cool. And we 477 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:11,200 Speaker 3: watched I. 478 00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:13,080 Speaker 2: Think it was merrit at first sight, and we were 479 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:17,760 Speaker 2: laughing because I think this is almost impossible. There was 480 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,719 Speaker 2: a therapist who suggested, I think it was doctor Pepper, 481 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:26,560 Speaker 2: that while you're fighting you hold hands. Yes, because it's 482 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:28,680 Speaker 2: like you can disagree and you can be angry, but 483 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,680 Speaker 2: by the mere act of touching, you're still saying we're 484 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,720 Speaker 2: in this together and I love you without having to 485 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,639 Speaker 2: say it, but you can still express your feelings. I 486 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,520 Speaker 2: think that's a really really he's. 487 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,800 Speaker 1: She's a pro. That's a difficult exercise. That is a 488 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,119 Speaker 1: difficultcause it doesn't allow you space to actually be angry. 489 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,679 Speaker 1: I cannot love you after you just hurt me and 490 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 1: you know what, I love you, but I don't can't 491 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,399 Speaker 1: be loving the expression of you can love me but 492 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,520 Speaker 1: not be loving. Oh oh my goodness again, doctor Pepper, 493 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:58,720 Speaker 1: she's a pro. That's a tall I just wanted to 494 00:25:58,720 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 1: throw that out there. 495 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,560 Speaker 3: I think that the form of. 496 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,960 Speaker 2: That would be in bed in a quiet moment. Yes, 497 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,560 Speaker 2: you just touch, and that is just like it's gonna 498 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,440 Speaker 2: be okay, and it almost always is. But I love 499 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,840 Speaker 2: that we all have permission to go ahead and be 500 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:17,560 Speaker 2: angry and. 501 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,240 Speaker 3: Deal with it in the morning. I like that strategy. 502 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,639 Speaker 2: We hope you do too, And thank you for listening everyone. 503 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,280 Speaker 2: I may be robot alongside TJ. 504 00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:25,800 Speaker 3: Holmes. We'll talk to you soon.