Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: It has been another big week of walla wall, NonStop
Speaker 2: penis to penis coverage of Donald Trump's trial, from the
Speaker 2: lingering glamour shots to the trial merch store to a
Speaker 2: rudimentary court treasure map to.
Speaker 1: Second by second real time close.
Speaker 2: Capture and transcripting and a QR code you can scan
Speaker 2: for more coverage. And I guess MSNBC's in room dining menu.
Speaker 2: Why would you need an The ubiquitous coverage is numbing,
Speaker 2: fading into televised wallpaper with insight that only occasionally.
Speaker 1: Crackles through, such as.
Speaker 3: He greeted her at his hotel room in satin or
Speaker 3: silk pajamas, which.
Speaker 2: Both are smooth materials, but satin or weapon, which I
Speaker 2: need to know.
Speaker 4: She said she had.
Speaker 5: I had my clothes and my shoes off.
Speaker 3: I removed my bra. We were in missionary position.
Speaker 2: Missionary wonder Trump has locked up the evangelical voting block.
Speaker 6: Unlike those Democrats, and that devil doggy style, that devilish
Speaker 6: tell us more.
Speaker 1: Not wearing a condom don't tell us anymore.
Speaker 2: But perhaps this hyper focus by our news media is
Speaker 2: purposeful to distract Americans by keeping visions of dancing penises.
Speaker 1: In their heads.
Speaker 2: All the while Americans are losing their freedoms at home.
Speaker 4: The Biden Administration's war on energy is reaching into the
Speaker 4: American home.
Speaker 1: What we were.
Speaker 2: Penising, Apparently the Biden administration is.
Speaker 1: Reaching around.
Speaker 2: Into the American home.
Speaker 4: Put a stop to the Department of Energies continued crackdown
Speaker 4: on American made appliances. Never in my wildest imagination, what
Speaker 4: I have thought that I was staying here on the
Speaker 4: House floor to defend my constituency appliances and gas dos.
Speaker 3: I was proud to lead the House Republican effort to
Speaker 3: protect our gas stoves.
Speaker 2: They can take our lives, but they can never take
Speaker 2: out cook tops. Apparently, this is a bill that they
Speaker 2: passed to stop the Biden Administration's new energy regulations. And
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest with everybody here.
Speaker 2: I'm on the Republican side. I can hate electric stoves,
Speaker 2: I can't hate them. I cannot cook unless I can
Speaker 2: see how high the flame is. And I'll be damned
Speaker 2: if I start burning. My signature Banadas Foster because Joseph
Speaker 2: Gerbels Biden is trying to ban gas stoves I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: I'm being told that that is not as what happened.
Speaker 2: That's sorry, that's apparently the Department of Energy just set
Speaker 2: new efficiency standards for home appliances and that ninety seven
Speaker 2: percent of gas stoves already meet the new standards. So
Speaker 2: unless this is where you cook, you're probably fine. And
Speaker 2: even so at the end of the day, I mean,
Speaker 2: it's just your guess.
Speaker 1: Though, it's not just gas stoves. It's your washer, your dryer,
Speaker 1: your dishwasher, and much more.
Speaker 5: They started with gas stoves.
Speaker 1: And I did not speak of for I was not
Speaker 1: a gas stove. Why did I do the Scottish accent
Speaker 1: for that? That's a isn't that a German homily? All right?
Speaker 2: Look, no disrespect to any of these idiots, but I
Speaker 2: think we can move household appliances down on the threat
Speaker 2: to democracy list, just below aluminum free deodorant. Clearly this
Speaker 2: was an overblown reaction, but that doesn't mean that this
Speaker 2: trial coverage isn't obscuring some true horrors.
Speaker 1: They're dead.
Speaker 5: The Boy Scouts are dead.
Speaker 7: The Boy Scouts, we could pretty much declare, are dead.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, the Boy Scouts are dead.
Speaker 2: While we were all fixated on the tintillating details of
Speaker 2: the Stormy Daniels testimony. The Boy Scouts all died, I'm
Speaker 2: assuming in a terrible s'mores explosion engineered by one Joseph
Speaker 2: Childs Manson Biden. The Boy Scouts of America is changing
Speaker 2: its name for the first time in history. The organization
Speaker 2: will be renamed Scouting America to emphasize its commitment to
Speaker 2: inclusion of all youth. Oh, the Boy Scouts are alive.
Speaker 2: They just rebranded as an organization, partly because they started
Speaker 2: letting girls in five years ago, and partly because they
Speaker 2: had a giant molestation scandal. I say that so that
Speaker 2: no one can hear me or I had a giant molisow.
Speaker 2: Rebranding yourself is a tried and true formula for many
Speaker 2: such organizations. In fact, it's why the Catholic Church now
Speaker 2: goes by the name Gary. So I feel terrible for
Speaker 2: anybody at home named Gary right now?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 1: What is the issue?
Speaker 5: There used to be sacred organizations where the children could
Speaker 5: really flourish. Is anything sacred?
Speaker 8: Bob Brooks?
Speaker 2: No, Yeah, nothing is sacred. What did happen to all
Speaker 2: those sacred organizations?
Speaker 1: Gary? But as you all were saying that's.
Speaker 2: What happens to institutions in America and really all over
Speaker 2: the world is patriotic people start these institutions, and the
Speaker 2: left must destroy it.
Speaker 8: It's a sad.
Speaker 9: Day when young boys can't learn how to be strong men.
Speaker 1: We've wrecked it. Actually they wrecked it.
Speaker 2: Okay, I don't want to break character here or anything,
Speaker 2: but this like this guy who is blaming the left
Speaker 2: for the loss of our institutions where young boys can
Speaker 2: become strong men.
Speaker 1: His name is Matt Schlap. You may remember him.
Speaker 2: He's the head of the American Conservative Union. You may
Speaker 2: remember that as the strong man.
Speaker 1: Who was sued. This guy was sued.
Speaker 2: By another fella for non consensually grabbing his dick in
Speaker 2: twenty twenty two. Yeah, that only got dropped after a
Speaker 2: reported four hundred and eighty thousand dollars settlement.
Speaker 1: The point being, when.
Speaker 2: This guy talks about the depravity of our institutions, he
Speaker 2: knows of what he speaks. All of this false outrage
Speaker 2: is starting to make me cynical.
Speaker 1: It's starting to make.
Speaker 2: Me cynical about America's media ecosystem. Is there anything else
Speaker 2: going on that does merit a defcon one freak out.
Speaker 7: In the end, this is a sad day for America,
Speaker 7: a moral failing of a magnitude we can't even begin
Speaker 7: to calculate.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm moral failing. We can't even begin
Speaker 1: to calculate.
Speaker 2: Perhaps it's a combo failing, an appliance that changed its
Speaker 2: name to be more inclusive.
Speaker 1: Is mister coffee?
Speaker 2: Now they them coffee?
Speaker 1: Is that? Is that the danger we now.
Speaker 3: Face President Biden threatening to withhold more military aid if
Speaker 3: the Israeli military carries out an all out assault on
Speaker 3: the city of.
Speaker 10: President Biden halting a weapon shipment of thirty five hundred
Speaker 10: bombs to Israel.
Speaker 7: We paused one shipment of high payload munitions.
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: The Biden administration has paused one shipment of thirty five
Speaker 2: hundred munitions of the over three hundred thousand munitions Israel
Speaker 2: has already dropped on Gaza to try and prevent the
Speaker 2: Israelis from attacking the area where all the refugees of
Speaker 2: this war are currently sheltering.
Speaker 1: I mean, oh my god. Or to put that another way.
Speaker 5: And now, what the Body Minstration has done is he
Speaker 5: becomes the primary protector of Hamash.
Speaker 7: He absolutely is uh siding with the terrorists.
Speaker 11: The only reason they're not dancing in Iran is because
Speaker 11: they don't believe in dancing.
Speaker 7: Joe Biden has been the greatest friend Hamas and Hezbollah
Speaker 7: that there is on planet Earth.
Speaker 4: Amen, damn, he's good.
Speaker 1: That's nothing, says Gravitas, like the verb.
Speaker 2: The only thing we have to fair is fair itself.
Speaker 2: You people are children that came out wrong. But I
Speaker 2: am curious why would Biden halt that shipment?
Speaker 1: Now I've made it clear to be be in the
Speaker 1: war cabinet.
Speaker 7: They're not going to get our support if in fact
Speaker 7: they're going these population centers.
Speaker 2: If they go into the population centers, the whole place
Speaker 2: is a population center. They've been in the population center
Speaker 2: for six months. Gaza's all population center. You know, you
Speaker 2: never hear around Gaza. Yeah, I don't live in the
Speaker 2: populated area. I live in upstate Gaza.
Speaker 1: I live by the lakes. It's really quiet.
Speaker 2: There is there no one who can offer a more
Speaker 2: nuanced analysis of our newly formulated position on this conflict,
Speaker 2: preferably in some type of catacomb or echoe tunnel.
Speaker 12: Yeah, Bigan is doing with respect to Israeli is disgraceful.
Speaker 12: If any Jewish person voted for Joke, they should be
Speaker 12: shave of the jelousy.
Speaker 2: My apologies to you, Rabbi, thank you so much for
Speaker 2: taking time off of your condom less porn star hush
Speaker 2: money trial to deliver a shame lecture to Jews. I
Speaker 2: will reflect on your moral standing next to young Kapoor,
Speaker 2: you can be sure.
Speaker 1: What about a Jew who might vote for him twice?
Speaker 1: What is that?
Speaker 6: Shame?
Speaker 10: Shame, shame, shamee you ashamed shame.
Speaker 2: First of all, guys, American Jews are Americans. We do
Speaker 2: not have dual loyalties or citizenship. There's nothing for us
Speaker 2: to be ashamed of.
Speaker 8: That's not what Donald Trump says. Donald Trump says, you
Speaker 8: should be a shame shame.
Speaker 10: Shame, shame, So you should have been a doctor.
Speaker 1: This is really it made me very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: Donald Trump is just saying that there's good Jews and
Speaker 2: there's bad Jews, and we need to start identifying.
Speaker 1: The bad Jews. I don't like where this is going.
Speaker 6: Shame Shame.
Speaker 1: On you, Shonda.
Speaker 10: Yeah, I'm Jewish too, I did not know that ye
Speaker 10: on my mother's side, and.
Speaker 6: So shame, shame, shame.
Speaker 2: As I was saying before, I was really blame shame,
Speaker 2: shame on you, shame.
Speaker 1: Show. I know so, Ronnie, we already did the Israel
Speaker 1: shame bit. And uh no, I was talking about Deaf
Speaker 1: to Smoke. Cha.
Speaker 8: I spent ten bucks on that movie. Shame shame on you.
Speaker 1: It's a good movie.
Speaker 8: So are you not a shame?
Speaker 2: I'm not listen here, here's here's ten bucks.
Speaker 1: Just go, thank you. This makes up with Israel? All right,
Speaker 1: thank you.
Speaker 11: Let's kick things off. Last night's met Gala, now the
Speaker 11: magical night when the world's most fashionable cultural icons try
Speaker 11: to figure out how they're gonna fit their spiky headdress
Speaker 11: into an uber pool.
Speaker 4: Fashion's biggest night.
Speaker 7: Garden inspired looks on full display right in bloom with
Speaker 7: this year's dress code, the Garden of Times.
Speaker 3: Fans tried to figure out which star was fully covered
Speaker 3: head to toe in a floor length Beijes umbrella.
Speaker 1: Now this is a water singer, Tyla. So many people
Speaker 1: talking about this. She had to be carried up the
Speaker 1: stairs of the Met.
Speaker 6: The dress, which was made of sand, was simply too heavy.
Speaker 11: Okay, okay, a dress made of sand is super impressive.
Speaker 11: Who are you wearing? Coney island, thank you very much.
Speaker 11: I like how she had four people carry her up
Speaker 11: the stairs. I bet Joe Biden saw that and turned
Speaker 11: to the Secret Service, like, let's just do that from Noah.
Speaker 11: But the true glam heads weren't paying attention to the
Speaker 11: met gala because the real action last night was in Moscow.
Speaker 11: Or Vladimir Putin held an opulent inauguration that just screamed
Speaker 11: definitely not a dictator for life.
Speaker 5: We continued to watch live pictures from Moscow, where Vladimir
Speaker 5: Putin begins his fifth term as Russian president. The strong
Speaker 5: Man has already been in office for nearly a quarter century.
Speaker 5: Putin's new term doesn't end until twenty thirty, and at
Speaker 5: that point he'll be eligible to run for another six
Speaker 5: years if he wants. It has been a lavish and
Speaker 5: opulent ceremony there in Moscow.
Speaker 11: Come on, Land, you can't show up to all this
Speaker 11: in a suit a lot. They got the wizards and
Speaker 11: the golden walls. You're walking in like you're late from
Speaker 11: the office. Man, how do you think Merlin over here feels?
Speaker 1: Huh?
Speaker 11: He's like I went full Hogwarts over here.
Speaker 1: Now I feel like a dig flad.
Speaker 11: You act like you don't even want to be here,
Speaker 11: but this is.
Speaker 1: Your whole thing.
Speaker 11: I mean, I'm not criticizing you. You're the one with
Speaker 11: the poison, but still we could have done this over zoom.
Speaker 11: Let's move on to America's Vladimir Putin Donald Trump. It's
Speaker 11: now week befour of the Trump trial, and boy, time
Speaker 11: flies when you're constantly falling asleep in court, doesn't it.
Speaker 11: But I can guarantee you Trump didn't nap during today's testimony,
Speaker 11: which brings us to our latest installment of America's most
Speaker 11: tremendously wanted.
Speaker 8: The whole thing is scam.
Speaker 11: Today was the biggest day yet in the trial of
Speaker 11: Donald Trump because today Stormy Daniels herself took the stand,
Speaker 11: and you could tell from the start that the coverage
Speaker 11: was going to be delicate.
Speaker 9: Right now in the courtroom, our reporters in there are
Speaker 9: sending us notes updates every second that they can, and
Speaker 9: mister Trump's defense attorney, Susan Nichols is saying, quote, we're
Speaker 9: informed to the second witness today will be Stormy Daniels.
Speaker 9: We want to renew our objection to her testifying, particularly
Speaker 9: about any details of any sexual acts.
Speaker 1: That is mister.
Speaker 9: Trump's attorney the prosecutors is also saying, quote, in terms
Speaker 9: of the sexual act, it will be very basic. I
Speaker 9: can't believe I have to read this on televis day.
Speaker 9: It's not going to discretion exactly involved in the descriptions
Speaker 9: of of anything in particular.
Speaker 4: So read it.
Speaker 11: Oh, come on, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash acting like
Speaker 11: you're too good for this, Like you've never seen genitalia before.
Speaker 11: All right, you're very prudish for people whose names sound
Speaker 11: like poor names. Jake Tapper and Dana Bash and State
Speaker 11: of the Union. Yeah, Oh, they're gonna smear Kanish all
Speaker 11: over your wolf Blitzer, you know. Now. The crux of
Speaker 11: this case is that Trump allegedly paid Stormy Daniels hush
Speaker 11: money to cover up their affair just before the twenty
Speaker 11: sixteen election, And today Stormy Daniels told us exactly what
Speaker 11: all that money was hushing, starting from the very beginning
Speaker 11: of the night Donald Trump invited her for dinner in
Speaker 11: his hotel room.
Speaker 3: Daniels testified that when she first entered Trump's hotels Wheet,
Speaker 3: he greeted her wearing silk pajamas. She says she joked
Speaker 3: that he stole Hugh Hefner's pajamas and asked him to change,
Speaker 3: which he did. According to Daniels, when she asked Trump
Speaker 3: about his wife, he admitted that he and Malania sleep
Speaker 3: in separate beds. After speaking with Trump for a while,
Speaker 3: Daniels told Trump he was rude and didn't know how
Speaker 3: to have a conversation. Someone should spank you with that magazine,
Speaker 3: she told him. She says, Trump then rolled up the
Speaker 3: magazine and quote gave me a look, so she took
Speaker 3: it from him, told him to turn around and swatted
Speaker 3: him on the butt.
Speaker 11: Oh that poor, poor magazine has in print media suffered
Speaker 11: enough spanking, silk, pajamas, separate beds. These revelations are so
Speaker 11: uncomfortably personal that even Drake is like.
Speaker 1: Oh, sucks to be that guy.
Speaker 11: But if that stuff made you uncomfortable, hold on, it
Speaker 11: gets worse.
Speaker 8: Daniels testified that at one point, prior to them having sex,
Speaker 8: Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter of Vodka,
Speaker 8: saying they were both smart, blonde, beautiful women who people underestimated.
Speaker 1: Hashtag girl dad uck.
Speaker 11: I know it's old news to us that Donald Trump
Speaker 11: wants to mercanish his daughter, but Remember, the court worked
Speaker 11: hard to find an unbiased jury, which means there's at
Speaker 11: least one person on there who was in a coma
Speaker 11: for the last ten years. And I bet that guy
Speaker 11: is losing his mind to there.
Speaker 1: Are you hearing this? Are you marrying this? Is that
Speaker 1: the president and his daughter and a port star.
Speaker 11: Oh wait, all my friend Prince hears about this.
Speaker 1: You know what?
Speaker 11: Maybe the actually damning part of all of this is
Speaker 11: how Trump got Stormy to have sex with him. According
Speaker 11: to Daniels, he suggested that she could be on the Apprentice. Later,
Speaker 11: he stripped his underwear and told her, quote, this is
Speaker 11: the only way you're getting out of the trailer park.
Speaker 1: Yikes.
Speaker 11: So from isn't just a bad lover who thinks talking
Speaker 11: about his daughter is an acceptable form of foreplay. He's
Speaker 11: a creep who dangles career advancement over women to get
Speaker 11: them to have sex with him, because lord knows they're
Speaker 11: not in it for the two minutes of thrusting. Personally,
Speaker 11: I find it disappointing. I mean, who would have thought
Speaker 11: a man found liable for sexual assault would coerce a
Speaker 11: woman into sex. I mean, honestly, it's like you can't
Speaker 11: even trust sex offenders these days. For more on today's testimony,
Speaker 11: let's go live to the courthouse with our own Troy Awata.
Speaker 8: Troy Y, what's.
Speaker 11: The mood down at the courthouse today?
Speaker 10: I would say the mood is uncomfy. Like I was
Speaker 10: so perturbed. I made myself feel better by remembering that
Speaker 10: time I watched Saltburn with my parents. That's how bad
Speaker 10: it was today. But I got to tell you, it's
Speaker 10: pretty brutal hearing someone's dumb horny man moves read aloud
Speaker 10: in the cold light of a courtroom.
Speaker 11: I'm sorry, dumb horny man moves.
Speaker 10: You know the things that you say and do right
Speaker 10: before you have sex with someone for the first time,
Speaker 10: The sexy stuff that you do in the moment that
Speaker 10: no one should ever rehash. You know, the faces and
Speaker 10: phrases like your lips looked like two big worms.
Speaker 11: Oh okay, Well, I mean some people's man moves are
Speaker 11: pretty solid.
Speaker 1: I bet okay.
Speaker 10: You keep telling yourself that big guy, like, what's your
Speaker 10: go to move when you get to the bedroom.
Speaker 11: Well, I don't know if this is the time or
Speaker 11: the plant. One time, uh, one time, I said, oh,
Speaker 11: alaty then just like gay Ventura but it was. It
Speaker 11: was a good reference because we had both just seen
Speaker 11: Ace Ventura. I mean she hadn't, but I had explained
Speaker 11: the movie to her, and it was It's kind of
Speaker 11: a sexy moment for.
Speaker 1: Both of us. Cool. Try.
Speaker 11: What's your point that testifying about people's man moves should
Speaker 11: have no place in the legal system.
Speaker 10: No, No, I actually I think the opposite. I think
Speaker 10: every trial should have it. You know, imagine if every
Speaker 10: time you committed a crime, the prosecutors could put your
Speaker 10: X on the stand and describe your most mediocre hookup
Speaker 10: in grave detail, and then a stenographer and a cardigan.
Speaker 8: Wrote it all down, and.
Speaker 10: Then Jake Tapper broadcasted on national television.
Speaker 11: Yeah, frankly, okay, I see you.
Speaker 1: That is a clip place.
Speaker 11: I mean, you put it that way, I would be
Speaker 11: the most law abiding citizen in.
Speaker 8: History, exactly.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 10: Right now, I'm about fifty to fifty on committing crimes,
Speaker 10: like I can see myself counterfeiting stamps. But if it
Speaker 10: meant I'd have to sit through a retelling of how
Speaker 10: one night I got on all fours and I said,
Speaker 10: tell me, you're proud of me, I wouldn't even get
Speaker 10: a parking ticket. I wouldn't even own a car. This
Speaker 10: might be the greatest crime deterrent in history.
Speaker 11: So you're saying we should just air all of Trump's
Speaker 11: dirty details in an attempt to lower crime rates.
Speaker 10: No, Jordan, I am asking you to tell me you're
Speaker 10: proud of me.
Speaker 11: Oh write then, Troy, you what?
Speaker 8: Everybody?
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