Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. One thing that I have
Speaker 1: made abundantly clear is that I do not want children.
Speaker 1: I say it on stage, I say it in interviews.
Speaker 1: It's the first thing I say to myself in the
Speaker 1: mirror when I wake up each morning, right before I
Speaker 1: tell myself, God, you're a dynamic woman. Kids don't respect me,
Speaker 1: and quite frankly, the feeling is mutual. And the fact
Speaker 1: is there are millions of women just like me, but
Speaker 1: for some reason, every single one of us, at some
Speaker 1: point in our lives is shamed by society for not
Speaker 1: wanting a baby. And that's what I want to talk
Speaker 1: about in tonight's installment of Long Story Short. In America
Speaker 1: and honestly everywhere, motherhood is treated as a woman's essential
Speaker 1: purpose in life, as if our destiny is to let
Speaker 1: a tiny stranger rip a hole through our Pikachu from
Speaker 1: the inside out, and then as soon as we turn eighteen,
Speaker 1: we're just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick
Speaker 1: Cannon to impregnate us. And look, I have infinite respect
Speaker 1: for moms, but motherhood is hard. It's so hard it
Speaker 1: even broke Marie Condo tidying upwards her life's work then
Speaker 1: she has kids and was like, living in squalor is fine.
Speaker 1: So it really shouldn't be surprising that some women aren't
Speaker 1: signing up. But many people aren't, just surprised that they're horrified.
Speaker 1: Childless women are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. Even the Pope
Speaker 1: has slammed us, saying that not having children is selfish.
Speaker 1: First of all, I am not going to take procreation
Speaker 1: advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone, well,
Speaker 1: not that we know of, anyway. And what's crazy is that,
Speaker 1: for some reason people feel entited entitled to tell you
Speaker 1: what a horrible person you are right to your face.
Speaker 1: When people ask me do you have children and I
Speaker 1: say no, they always look at me then and say, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, as if like there's something like physically wrong
Speaker 1: with me. And I've had people break down in tears
Speaker 1: to me about the fact that me not having children
Speaker 1: is adding them of something. I've gotten everything from your
Speaker 1: selfish for not wanting children. Your childhood must have been terrible.
Speaker 1: If you don't want to have children, are you one
Speaker 1: of these career thirsty women that doesn't want children? And
Speaker 1: how could you deny your man the chance to have children?
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to be with you. Yes, because men
Speaker 1: are so upset every time they're denied a chance to
Speaker 1: have a child. Watch an episode of Maury Povich to
Speaker 1: see how excited men get to find out that they
Speaker 1: are the father. And it's bad enough when people judge
Speaker 1: your life choices. But apparently childless women aren't just harming themselves,
Speaker 1: we're actually destroying society. You look, Kamala Harris AOC the
Speaker 1: entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children.
Speaker 1: And how does it make any sense that we've turned
Speaker 1: our country over to people who don't really have a
Speaker 1: direct stake in it. We're effectively run in this country
Speaker 1: via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs, by a bunch
Speaker 1: of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own
Speaker 1: lives and the choices that they've made, and so they
Speaker 1: want to make the rest of the country miserable to it.
Speaker 1: Maybe if you two weren't such boner killers, women would
Speaker 1: want to have more children. I don't want to make
Speaker 1: the country miserable. I love this country. It's where all
Speaker 1: of my things are, and I've got news for everyone.
Speaker 1: Instead of shaming childless women for what we're doing to
Speaker 1: the country. You should be thanking us. We are saving society.
Speaker 1: We are more likely to give our money to chair it.
Speaker 1: We have a lower carbon footprint, or the reason there
Speaker 1: are fewer screaming children on airplanes, in movie theaters and restalls.
Speaker 1: And every baby we don't give birth to is one
Speaker 1: less baby that could grow up to be the next
Speaker 1: Elon Musk. And guess how many children he has nine?
Speaker 1: You better bring them all the Mars with you, buddy. Okay,
Speaker 1: And when are you going to Mars? Go already? But
Speaker 1: these Fox News trolls are right about one thing. I
Speaker 1: am miserable. In fact, I was just scrolling through my
Speaker 1: Instagram fee the other day realizing how miserable I am.
Speaker 1: I'm miserable on the beach, and then here I am
Speaker 1: miserable on the top of a mountain, and then here
Speaker 1: I am miserable scuba diving, and then I'm miserable again.
Speaker 1: Smoking a joint in a hot tub every day is
Speaker 1: truly a new circle of hell for me. The simple
Speaker 1: truth is that I'm not having a kid because I'm
Speaker 1: happier without them. And that's really not of anyone's concerned
Speaker 1: but my own. I know I don't hate kids, I
Speaker 1: just don't want them. That's what's so great about nieces
Speaker 1: and nephews. I love being an aunt. I'm crushing that role.
Speaker 1: Guess who gave each one of them their first edible?
Speaker 1: This girl? But hey, what do I know. I'm just
Speaker 1: an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable waste of two ovaries. So if
Speaker 1: you want to know the real issues with not having children,
Speaker 1: you need to talk to your O, B, G, Y N.
Speaker 1: Like I did. Take a look. Oh, I bet you
Speaker 1: have been around the world a couple of times. You're
Speaker 1: like a pussy go pro. Great to meet you, you too,
Speaker 1: So I'm just going over your chart here says you
Speaker 1: don't plan on having any children now it actually says
Speaker 1: quote never ever, not even if me and Chris Hemsworth
Speaker 1: were the last two humans on earth. All yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean if he and I hooked up, it would probably
Speaker 1: just be a bunch of but play. Okay, Well, um,
Speaker 1: not having kids is a big decision, and you should
Speaker 1: know it's going to affect your body and your life
Speaker 1: in a major way. What kind of ways, dr Well,
Speaker 1: for starters, your body will never go through the trauma
Speaker 1: of childbirth. You'll have what the medical community calls beautiful
Speaker 1: boisterous breasts and a very tight, tight, little little vagina.
Speaker 1: That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that
Speaker 1: from different people that I've been having casual sex with,
Speaker 1: giving me different kinds of compliments, and I thought it
Speaker 1: was just dirty talk. No, no, no, that's that's a
Speaker 1: medical term. How much sleep do you get? I mean
Speaker 1: it varies anywhere from eight to sixteen hours a night,
Speaker 1: you know, depending on what I get up to. If
Speaker 1: I go to like one of Leo's sex parties, I'll
Speaker 1: be up really really late, and then I'll come home
Speaker 1: and I'll be starving, and then I'll have an entire
Speaker 1: pizza in my bed, and then I just finished myself
Speaker 1: off one more time and sleep like a baby. Is
Speaker 1: that normal? Perfectly normal for someone with your condition? Great,
Speaker 1: it's probably m hm, you have a great muscle tone.
Speaker 1: Thank you. It's probably because I have so much free
Speaker 1: time to work out after I'm sleeping. Um, are we
Speaker 1: doing anything that is going to require me to be
Speaker 1: in a hospital gown today? No? Now, I know all
Speaker 1: this information can be really overwhelming, which is why I
Speaker 1: am going to prescribe some recreational drugs. Here's a sample
Speaker 1: for you to take home. Oh my god, I love pills.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Ohh and there's one more thing we should
Speaker 1: talk about. Ultrasound. Oh I didn't think I was getting
Speaker 1: an ultrasound today. Ultrasound the music festival three days in
Speaker 1: the desert, Lizzo headlining, and I bet you can get
Speaker 1: there because why you don't have any kids at home
Speaker 1: to worry about. Oh my god, thank you. This is
Speaker 1: like the best doctor's appointment I've ever had. You are
Speaker 1: so welcome, and you know what, Literally nothing is going
Speaker 1: to go wrong for you. It was so nice to
Speaker 1: meet you. It was a pleasure to meet you too.
Speaker 1: Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, by the way, you do
Speaker 1: have gonorrhea. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast
Speaker 1: universe by searching the Daily Show wherever you get your
Speaker 1: podcast What's the Daily Show weeknights and eleven tenth Central
Speaker 1: owned Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.
Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast