Speaker 1: You're listening to comedy Central YEW.
Speaker 2: Since October fifty two thousand unaccompanied children have been picked
Speaker 2: up trying to cross into the US.
Speaker 3: What's driving these people north is crippling poverty and out
Speaker 3: of control of violence and places like Honduda's s, Guatemala
Speaker 3: and Al Salvador.
Speaker 1: Wow, there are kids in trouble. You know what.
Speaker 4: I was always taught by my parents to follow the
Speaker 4: Golden rule. Whenever you see a kid in trouble, yell
Speaker 4: at them in a language they don't understand. Harder Again,
Speaker 4: Obama likes him so much understand.
Speaker 1: The White House.
Speaker 4: That is an interesting suggestion, although a grown man inviting
Speaker 4: thousands of kids to his house gives off a little
Speaker 4: bit of.
Speaker 1: A Neverland ranch vibe.
Speaker 4: All right, So look, it's not like these countries developed
Speaker 4: problems overnight. Why these sudden ki explosion?
Speaker 5: Republicans point to the President's twenty twelve order that protects
Speaker 5: some children from deportation, but that applies only to those
Speaker 5: into the United States before two thousand and seven.
Speaker 4: If I have told kids fleeing violence and poverty.
Speaker 1: Once, I've told them a thousand times.
Speaker 4: Immigrant minors seeking asylum posts two thousand and seven must
Speaker 4: apply at their consulate with Form and four hundred at
Speaker 4: a biometrics fee, then appear for a series of processing
Speaker 4: interviews to ascertain priority determination unless they have family living
Speaker 4: in the United States, in which case they filed Form.
Speaker 1: I won thirty and then you file.
Speaker 4: Form DS two sixty under your NBC case number, unless,
Speaker 4: of course, you have skills attractive to an employer.
Speaker 1: Well do you do you child fleeing violence and poverty?
Speaker 4: Because if you do, you're gonna want to go with
Speaker 4: Form I one.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's not that difficult child.
Speaker 4: Now you may be wondering, if they didn't fill out
Speaker 4: the forms, can't we just deport these kids? Well, first
Speaker 4: of all, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Speaker 1: These are children? Why you even ask that?
Speaker 4: And second of all, good question, why can't we just
Speaker 4: support them? A two thousand and eight law signed by
Speaker 4: President George W. Bush says children from countries not border
Speaker 4: in the US cannot be immediately deported. Stupid liberals. That's
Speaker 4: why we need a Republican in the White House. And
Speaker 4: oh well, since we apparently have a process in place,
Speaker 4: why all the hullaballoo. They can appear in court and
Speaker 4: make the case for staying.
Speaker 2: Tens of thousands of undocumented and often unaccompanied children are
Speaker 2: overwhelming federal facilities.
Speaker 4: Well, of course, the agents of the Border Patrol are
Speaker 4: doing what they can to help these kids.
Speaker 3: I've watched them do everything from change diapers to heat formula.
Speaker 3: Many of these are single young men who are not
Speaker 3: particularly good at that, but they're really getting better.
Speaker 1: It's all going to be.
Speaker 4: It's all going to be documented in the new hit
Speaker 4: movie Three Men and fifty Thousand Babies.
Speaker 1: Steve one of them is that Gutenberg's back baby.
Speaker 4: So we got ourselves a genuine humanitarian crisis, unless someone
Speaker 4: would like to label it differently.
Speaker 6: World English Dictionary defines invasion it's any encroachment or intrusion
Speaker 6: or advent of something harmful, as in a disease.
Speaker 1: Ah Representatively, we go out.
Speaker 4: He's like Old Faithful if instead of hot water it
Speaker 4: regularly shot out stupid.
Speaker 6: From the Constitution, under Article one, Section eight, it says
Speaker 6: that Congress has the authority to call for the military
Speaker 6: during times of invasion.
Speaker 4: You want the Marines on this one, you want tip
Speaker 4: of the spear, all right. Now.
Speaker 1: I'm not a military expert.
Speaker 4: Obviously, but generally an enemy invasion force is not particularly
Speaker 4: dangerous until it can reach and open its own cereal.
Speaker 1: Now, from what I know, even.
Speaker 4: Even Hitler wasn't always an imminent threat.
Speaker 1: I say, there's someone who works here. I know.
Speaker 4: I'm just I'm waiting for the day when that kid
Speaker 4: twenty years from now just hunts me down, comes to
Speaker 4: my door and goes, yeah, it's real funny. Yeah, that's real,
Speaker 4: real funny.
Speaker 1: Anyway, So.
Speaker 4: Humanitarian crisis response system overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: Where where have we seen this before?
Speaker 4: This?
Speaker 1: Anybody? Anybody?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 4: You with a fellow lonestar, Republican Congressman Blake farhenholds.
Speaker 1: Up, this is President Obama's Katrina. Wow.
Speaker 4: I believe in this case it's pronounced.
Speaker 1: I got that.
Speaker 4: Although, to be fair, when it comes to glaring gaps
Speaker 4: in what are supposed to be secure barriers, I think Farrenholm.
Speaker 1: Knows what he's talking about. In fact, oh my god,
Speaker 1: hang on, the crisis is so bad.
Speaker 5: They're everywhere.
Speaker 1: They're no dun day dun dae ista. All right.
Speaker 4: You know I wouldn't be so quick to blame for
Speaker 4: this flood of immigrants. I mean, maybe they got the
Speaker 4: idea that America was a great place to come from
Speaker 4: some other people.
Speaker 1: We live in the greatest country in the world.
Speaker 5: The greatest nation history of mankind.
Speaker 3: The strongest, freest, greatest country, the greatest health care.
Speaker 4: The greatest universities, the greatest schools.
Speaker 1: The greatest rise of freedom and opportunity.
Speaker 6: Greater than Solomon's Israel.
Speaker 7: The single greatest nation in the history of all mankind.
Speaker 1: The greatest country ever.
Speaker 4: I don't know about you, but I really feel like
Speaker 4: you're in an apple pie right now.
Speaker 1: Why would you not, Why would you not come to
Speaker 1: a place that great.
Speaker 4: In fact, it's why all of our ancestors came to
Speaker 4: this country and were themselves originally unwelcome. Because that's the
Speaker 4: story of America, from Ben Franklin's worries that Germans were
Speaker 4: ruining Pennsylvania to our nineteenth century sixty year ban and
Speaker 4: the Chinese immigrants who had just finished building our rail system.
Speaker 4: Two our very real and justifiable concerns about the Irish,
Speaker 4: and they're insatiable applying for jobs. We have always been
Speaker 4: a nation of immigrants who hate the newer immigrants. Because
Speaker 4: Lady Liberty may appear to be a beacon to those
Speaker 4: yearning to breathe free, but the truth is she's actually
Speaker 4: a bouncer.
Speaker 1: What is this draconian new immigration law?
Speaker 4: Do exactly increase border patrols, taller fences, piranha mote.
Speaker 3: Oh no, it makes it a state crime to be
Speaker 3: in the US illegally legal immigrants must carry paperwork proving
Speaker 3: their status.
Speaker 1: You know that's tough.
Speaker 4: It's not unprecedented having to carry on your papers. It's
Speaker 4: the same thing that free black people had to do
Speaker 4: in eighteen sixty three.
Speaker 1: Lord knows that didn't leave any residual anger. What's the fuss.
Speaker 3: Police are required to check anyone they have a reasonable
Speaker 3: suspicion is illegal, and people can sue local governments if
Speaker 3: they think immigration law is not being enforced.
Speaker 4: You can sue the police for not enforcing harshly enough
Speaker 4: help police neutrality.
Speaker 1: How much of a reach is this bill?
Speaker 4: Well, let's hear what Tom tan Credo has to say
Speaker 4: about it. He's the guy who called Miami a third
Speaker 4: world country and said the Minutemen border patrol aren't vigilantes,
Speaker 4: they're heroes.
Speaker 3: I do not want the police here there, Arizona, anyplace
Speaker 3: else pulling people over because you look like you should
Speaker 3: be pulled over.
Speaker 4: Holy he thinks you've gone too far Arizona.
Speaker 1: Tom Tancredo.
Speaker 4: Man Mexican parents tell their kids about to get them
Speaker 4: to eat their vegetables.
Speaker 1: He thinks you've gone to bar. It's it's he does.
Speaker 1: It'd be like Ted Nugent, be like Ted.
Speaker 4: Nugent pleading with you to just put down the guns
Speaker 4: and talk this thing out. But one of the bill's sponsors,
Speaker 4: State Senator Russell Pierce explains how laughable, laughable.
Speaker 1: Charges of racial profiling are.
Speaker 7: The charge by the opponents to this measure is that
Speaker 7: it will encourage, indeed almost mandate, racial profiling.
Speaker 5: You know, I might have two children, two grandchildren that
Speaker 5: are Hispanic.
Speaker 4: And I'm going to miss them. From more on Arizona's
Speaker 4: immigration controversy, we're going to why It's an Act live
Speaker 4: from Phoenix.
Speaker 1: Whyat how in any way do you.
Speaker 4: Enforce this bill without racial pro filing or violating evil
Speaker 4: protection or search and seizure laws in the constitution.
Speaker 5: It's easy, John. The law is very clear. You only
Speaker 5: check people who are reasonably suspicious.
Speaker 4: Right, But if you don't catch them coming across the border,
Speaker 4: what would they be doing that would be suspicious? As immigrants?
Speaker 4: Are they looking for people doing this.
Speaker 5: Of course not. That's ridiculous. They're looking for illegals. They're
Speaker 5: looking for people acting suspiciously, like gardening or burping white
Speaker 5: people's baby.
Speaker 1: But why those are not? Those are not?
Speaker 4: Those are not illegal activities in and of themselves, assuming
Speaker 4: you have the white parents' permission.
Speaker 5: Look, it's like obscenity. It's hard to describe it, but
Speaker 5: you know it when you see it. I'm sorry, what's that?
Speaker 5: You mean my driver's license? All right, look what's john?
Speaker 5: Let me give you an example. All right, this guy
Speaker 5: right here walking down the street looks fine?
Speaker 1: Right, I guess he looks fine. He is.
Speaker 5: But what about this guy?
Speaker 1: Fine?
Speaker 5: No, he's not. He's reasonably suspiciously illegal. All right, let's
Speaker 5: try it again. This guy whoa No?
Speaker 4: That yes, that's that's Jeffrey Dummer. He's a cannibal and
Speaker 4: a killer. He is obviously suspicious.
Speaker 1: You have to arrest him.
Speaker 5: No, this isn't Hitler's Germany. You can't just pull people
Speaker 5: off the street from being hungry. What about this guy?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 4: Hello, I mean maybe i'd stop that last guy to
Speaker 4: get his.
Speaker 5: Autograph, But you collect autographs of illegal immigrants.
Speaker 1: No, that's not. That's punch from chips.
Speaker 5: I don't know what those two works with a.
Speaker 1: TV show, with a TV show in the seventies.
Speaker 5: Oh, because you're a baby boom. You're too nostalgic to
Speaker 5: apply the law to suspicious legal immigrants.
Speaker 1: No, Eric Strata, I think was born in New York.
Speaker 5: Wait, what's that? You need my birth certificate?
Speaker 1: Two? All right?
Speaker 5: Give me just give me a second. What's going on, John,
Speaker 5: I'm gonna give you one more final chance?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 5: What do you do? What do you do?
Speaker 1: TikTok?
Speaker 5: Man, TikTok, tik tok, TikTok.
Speaker 1: You arrest her, just her? You arrest the monkey too?
Speaker 5: Oh? Why because he's gay you discussed?
Speaker 8: Maybe?
Speaker 5: No, huh, No, we have loss to protect people, John,
Speaker 5: We have loss to protect people and flamboyantly gay monkeys,
Speaker 5: all right, and it's because of people like you that
Speaker 5: what's all right? I'm getting it.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 4: Just hold on a second, dude, Why why do you
Speaker 4: have to show your birth certificate?
Speaker 1: An ID?
Speaker 5: It's cool, John, that's stopped me too. I could be
Speaker 5: Dominican or something. Why, it's totally fun.
Speaker 4: Part of the law says, as a citizen of the
Speaker 4: United States, within your right to refuse to show identification.
Speaker 4: Anyone can tell Arizona law enforcement, Hey, I'm a citizen,
Speaker 4: and the police have to take you at their word.
Speaker 4: It's a loophole so big you could drive a truck
Speaker 4: full of Oh, I don't know, day laborers throw it.
Speaker 5: Sure, John, they'd never figure that one out in Arizona.
Speaker 5: Here's Sheriff Joe Arpyo.
Speaker 3: We either arrest them pursuing to our law enforcement on
Speaker 3: other types of crimes.
Speaker 5: You hear that they'll find something else to arrest me on? Ah, No,
Speaker 5: I'm not doing time over a busted tailight on my newsband? No, right,
Speaker 5: my birth certificate?
Speaker 1: It is right? What who's gonna finish?
Speaker 4: Who's gonna who's gonna.
Speaker 1: Let's go, right, John, let me take it from here.
Speaker 9: I guess I'm just one more illegal immigrant doing a
Speaker 9: job an American doesn't want to do.
Speaker 1: You're you're not legal in this country? No, not by
Speaker 1: a long shot. Have they stopped you and asked you
Speaker 1: for ID? Oh? Come on with these eyes, I get
Speaker 1: into movies for free with these baby blues. Why do
Speaker 1: you have an assault rifle? I don't know.
Speaker 5: They said I could carry one, so well, the hell
Speaker 5: wouldn't I?
Speaker 1: All right, see you later, Jason Adios.
Speaker 9: I'm kidding, kidding, I'm just kidding. I don't know what
Speaker 9: that means. Remember when the fourteenth Amendment? Remember when the
Speaker 9: fourteenth Amendment, you know, the one that guarantees equal protection
Speaker 9: under law as well as citizenship for any person born
Speaker 9: in the United States.
Speaker 4: Remember when that was passed and how heated the issue became.
Speaker 4: I remember this one episode of actual crossfire. In eighteen
Speaker 4: sixty six, Senator Edward Cowan R. Pennsylvania argued that if
Speaker 4: the amendment.
Speaker 1: Passed, California would be quote overrun by a flood of Mongols.
Speaker 4: The Californians would be immigrated out of house and home
Speaker 4: by the Chinese, and that it is utterly and totally
Speaker 4: impossible to mingle all the various families of men from
Speaker 4: the lowest form of the hot and top up to
Speaker 4: the highest Caucasian in the same society.
Speaker 1: Boy, was that guy wrong.
Speaker 4: First of all, almost all of the various families of
Speaker 4: men from eighteen sixty six have been successfully mingled from
Speaker 4: highest Caucasian through Yellow Peril and Black Irish.
Speaker 1: But freeze your TiVo you might enjoy this.
Speaker 4: And second, as far as California goes, the Chinese have
Speaker 4: only managed to take control of a small section of
Speaker 4: San Francisco and one really beautiful movie theater in Hollywood.
Speaker 4: So our movie stars never fell for your devious Chinese
Speaker 4: foot in.
Speaker 1: Hand cement traps ha They removed.
Speaker 4: Their extremities before it hardened. So the worries around the
Speaker 4: fourteenth Amendment never came to pass.
Speaker 1: And yet suddenly, one and forty five years later, there.
Speaker 10: Is a movement a foot to rescind the law that
Speaker 10: makes anyone born in the United States a US citizen,
Speaker 10: specifically aimed at the children of illegal immigrants.
Speaker 4: My god, the hot and taught Mongol flood is back,
Speaker 4: threatening to overwhelm us.
Speaker 1: What's the issue about it? This time? Banker Babies?
Speaker 4: You mean the hottest new show on Nick Junior anchor Babies.
Speaker 1: This is This is Brian Williams. This is Brian.
Speaker 4: This is baby Brian Williams saying to you and your family.
Speaker 1: I just made a boomboom.
Speaker 4: Wait a minute, y'all are repealing the fourteen Amendment to
Speaker 4: send a message to babies.
Speaker 2: You know, look, I know it's babies we're talking, and
Speaker 2: it's hard to be tough on babies.
Speaker 4: But let's remember, Okay, wait, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Speaker 4: Here's a sign you shouldn't finish a sentence when it
Speaker 4: begins with I know it's hard to be tough on babies.
Speaker 8: But.
Speaker 4: The free riders over you're drooling, diaper, soiling, poor motor control.
Speaker 1: Having little sis.
Speaker 4: Hey, hey, hey, moron, object permanence called no object permanent though.
Speaker 1: You were special ed teachers. Can I get a pag nothing?
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, crazy lady.
Speaker 2: You were saying it's hard to be tough on babies.
Speaker 2: But let's remember we're talking about illegal aliens coming to
Speaker 2: this country for the purpose of birthing a child, not
Speaker 2: because they love the kid, because they want that child
Speaker 2: to provide them with the benefits of US citizenship.
Speaker 1: Whose parents are exploiting you for citizenship? Your parents, Yes
Speaker 1: they are. Yes. I think it's gonna I think it's
Speaker 1: gonna blow.
Speaker 4: All right, So one attorney talking crazy talk. It's not
Speaker 4: like she's an elected official espousing some radical conspiracy theory.
Speaker 3: Your theory is that al Qaeda will send a pregnant
Speaker 3: woman over here, have a baby, and then start to
Speaker 3: train these babies to be terrorists.
Speaker 1: Is that right? Well, Eric, is not just a theory?
Speaker 1: Is not just the theory.
Speaker 4: In fact, my doctor says it's a symptom of my
Speaker 4: syphilitic mind, the idea that al Qaeda is planting children
Speaker 4: here to be raised as sleeper sell terrorists. There is
Speaker 4: a kid in my son's kindergarten class, Osama Feldstein, who
Speaker 4: does kind.
Speaker 1: Of stand out. This is what I got, This is
Speaker 1: what I got the beard for all right. But that's
Speaker 1: not a normal congressman. It's Louis Gomert.
Speaker 4: He actually believes that hate crime laws lead to necrophilia,
Speaker 4: and that center should be elected by state legislators, and
Speaker 4: that the moon is made of whipped cream, which a
Speaker 4: giant fat man eats every month.
Speaker 1: I only made up one of those. It's not like
Speaker 1: any of our more rational.
Speaker 4: And respective political figures give this movement any credence.
Speaker 8: Birthright citizenship, I think is a is a mistake that
Speaker 8: we should change our constitution and say if you come
Speaker 8: here illegal and you have a child, that child's automatically
Speaker 8: not a citizen. They come here to drop a child
Speaker 8: is called drop and leave.
Speaker 1: No, you call it drop and leave.
Speaker 4: I believe they call it the miraculous birth.
Speaker 1: Of their child.
Speaker 4: And why do politicians always have to give everything a
Speaker 4: catchy name. It's shock and awe, cut and run. I'm against.
Speaker 4: That's for not having sex in space.
Speaker 1: Vote no on tang and bang.
Speaker 4: No no selling Eastern candy to pedophiles.
Speaker 1: You hurt me. No peeps for creeps. I have thirty
Speaker 1: more of.
Speaker 4: So much rational illegal immigrant hate.
Speaker 1: I just wish there was a voice or reason.
Speaker 4: Out there, someone who could see this issue clearly.
Speaker 1: My guess now Lou Dobbs and.
Speaker 7: The idea that anchor babies, though require somehow changing the
Speaker 7: fourteenth Amendment, I part ways with the senators on that.
Speaker 7: I have to insist that we recognize those anchor babies
Speaker 7: as citizens of this country.
Speaker 4: Lou Dobs thinks your immigration measure is to draconiin Lou
Speaker 4: dogs Blue. Dobs, who spent the last fifteen years of
Speaker 4: his life trying to get Dora the Explorer deported, thinks
Speaker 4: you've gone too far.
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