1 00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome to another new episode of You 2 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I am 3 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:19,640 Speaker 1: the host, and today you're getting another episode of just 4 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 1: me talking to you guys about something that I wanted 5 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,680 Speaker 1: to bring up and have a conversation with myself to 6 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 1: you about. If you're new to the podcast, I'm a 7 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,200 Speaker 1: licensed therapist, but I always like to remind everybody quickly 8 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,920 Speaker 1: before we get into the juice of what we will 9 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,280 Speaker 1: be talking about, that this is not therapy in itself 10 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,279 Speaker 1: or a placement. But the hope is maybe something that 11 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 1: we talk about might lead you to therapy to work 12 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 1: on something that's important to you. So what am I 13 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,519 Speaker 1: going to talk about today? We are going to talk 14 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:53,880 Speaker 1: about this idea or this thing called toxic positivity and 15 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:57,760 Speaker 1: what is it? And what's the difference between that and optimism? 16 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: And is my positivity talks? Am I allowed to be 17 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,840 Speaker 1: positive anymore? Because oh my gosh, there's all this stuff 18 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,640 Speaker 1: about positivity being toxic? But I also don't want to 19 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,320 Speaker 1: just sit in the ship all the time. So what 20 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: do I do? And to be honest, In the last 21 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: couple of years, this term has been brought up more 22 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,560 Speaker 1: and more and more and more, and that's why I 23 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 1: want to talk about it. I hadn't even heard of 24 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,640 Speaker 1: this term until a couple of years ago. Positivity was 25 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,960 Speaker 1: just positivity, and it was like, well, how can being 26 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:26,200 Speaker 1: positive be toxic? And it can be, So we're gonna 27 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,320 Speaker 1: talk about that now. I am a natural optimist and 28 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,679 Speaker 1: someone who believes in the power of p m A. 29 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,720 Speaker 1: I've done a couple of episodes about p m A 30 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:37,440 Speaker 1: and I find it very valuable and wholeheardly believe in 31 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,399 Speaker 1: that concept, in that idea, and so when I first 32 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,119 Speaker 1: heard that the term toxic positivity, I didn't even want 33 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,720 Speaker 1: to give it the time of day. I just wanted 34 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,520 Speaker 1: to be like, yeah, that's whatever. I don't want to 35 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 1: pay attention to that. But you know, in the end, 36 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: I kind of had to one because it is a 37 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 1: thing and to I'm a therapist and I have to 38 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 1: know these things. And that's one of the reasons that 39 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,080 Speaker 1: I think this episode is important, because this is a 40 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: thing in the words being thrown out a lot, and 41 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,480 Speaker 1: so it's keeping but from being able to show up, 42 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 1: I think fully, because I don't want to be called 43 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 1: out for that. You know, we're in this like call out, cancel, culture, 44 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,680 Speaker 1: and nobody wants to be wrong, and so then we 45 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,840 Speaker 1: shut parts of ourselves off. And I'm inviting you to 46 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: turn those parts of you back on. And toxic positivity 47 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: is not the same thing as being optimistic, and optimism 48 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,120 Speaker 1: and positivity have a beautiful place in the world. I 49 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,720 Speaker 1: also think it's important because when we hear the word toxic, 50 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:29,600 Speaker 1: I think we automatically think bad, which totally makes sense. 51 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 1: But I also think that there are a lot of 52 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 1: people who are spreading and engaging in toxic positivity that 53 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,520 Speaker 1: aren't actually bad, and they are on bad intentions. They 54 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 1: are just doing what they think is right and probably 55 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,440 Speaker 1: what they've been taught and surrounded by. And I get 56 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:48,400 Speaker 1: this like weird, like blaming vibe from content around toxic positivity, 57 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 1: And again it's a harmful thing. I'm not pro toxic positivity. 58 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,840 Speaker 1: But to alleviate this problem isn't to create a icky 59 00:02:56,919 --> 00:03:00,919 Speaker 1: vibe around it. It's to offer feedback and educate ourselves 60 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: about it. You know, we can't know until we know. Therefore, 61 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,920 Speaker 1: today we're going to get into the now. So in 62 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: simple terms, let's talk about what toxic positivity is. It 63 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:14,240 Speaker 1: is when authentic feelings, like real authentic feelings get dismissed 64 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: by yourself or other people by basically being coerced into 65 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 1: looking at the bright side. Right, So it involves dismissing 66 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 1: feelings that are perceived as negative and responding to distress 67 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,960 Speaker 1: with false reassurance rather than like empathy and real connection. 68 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 1: It has, like unconsciously, its roots in the idea that 69 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,920 Speaker 1: feelings are either good or bad, and it invites this 70 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: idea that morality lives within feelings and they're like feelings 71 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 1: are these moral things when they're not. Feelings are feelings. 72 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:45,119 Speaker 1: So being positive has been kind of connected to moral 73 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: rightness or moral correctness, and that means a lot of 74 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 1: us judge ourselves for feeling emotions that are seen as negative, 75 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,120 Speaker 1: and so we have to pull back and realize that, like, 76 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,840 Speaker 1: wait a second, emotions aren't negative and positive. They are 77 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,200 Speaker 1: they are not good or bad. There's no moral nous 78 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,040 Speaker 1: around fee Lanes. If I have taught you guys, anything, 79 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 1: it is that feelings are not good or bad. Like 80 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 1: that is just something that I harp on over and 81 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 1: over because it's such an important truth. They just are period. 82 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,840 Speaker 1: They are tools and helpful guys, and they help lead 83 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 1: us to where we need to go and what we 84 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,560 Speaker 1: need to ask for and what we need to create. 85 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,640 Speaker 1: And they may not feel good, right, They might be 86 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 1: might be uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean they are morally 87 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 1: wrong or bad or we shouldn't have them and we 88 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 1: should have other ones. So the pressure to spread um 89 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: and engage in toxic positivity, it's I get it, Like, 90 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,520 Speaker 1: if you really sit down and think about it, it 91 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,839 Speaker 1: makes sense. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with emotions. It 92 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,919 Speaker 1: comes from being uncomfy, and we're when we're uncomfy, it 93 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,360 Speaker 1: makes sense that we would want to not be uncomfortable 94 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,360 Speaker 1: and alleviate that. So, like I said, it's often very 95 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,360 Speaker 1: well intentioned. We just want to feel better, or we 96 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,920 Speaker 1: want to help somebody else feel better, or we want 97 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 1: to make somebody else feel better, so then we feel better. Right, 98 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,240 Speaker 1: So we're caring for ourselves by acting like we're caring 99 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,960 Speaker 1: for somebody else. But what that really can do is 100 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,160 Speaker 1: cause like a lot of alienation and feeling of disconnection 101 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,320 Speaker 1: when really, in those moments, when we have those uncomfortable feelings, 102 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,760 Speaker 1: what we really need is connection, and this does the opposite. 103 00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:10,520 Speaker 1: So there's this woman named Susan David and she has 104 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,680 Speaker 1: an awesome ted talk that I recommend listening to, and 105 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,680 Speaker 1: she describes this kind of idea in her ted talk 106 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,279 Speaker 1: as having dead people's goals, which I think is such. 107 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,760 Speaker 1: I mean, it was funny when I heard it, and 108 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 1: it's funny when I think about it, because only dead 109 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:27,000 Speaker 1: people never feel unwanted or never get disappointed, or never 110 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable. They only dead people never get stressed or 111 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: have their heartbroken. Tough emotions are just part of what 112 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,839 Speaker 1: she calls our contract with life. And she says discomfort 113 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,359 Speaker 1: is the price of admission for a meaningful life, and 114 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 1: I just think that that is so true, right, So 115 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,479 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say it again. Discomfort is the price of 116 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 1: admission for a meaningful life. Meaning if I want a meaningful, 117 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: good saturated life, I have to be willing to sit 118 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,880 Speaker 1: in discomfort. I have to be willing to feel a 119 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 1: range of emotions. And if I'm not, I am contracting 120 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 1: to a less meaningful life. Okay, so let's talk about 121 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,280 Speaker 1: what toxic positivity can sound like now that we know 122 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:12,680 Speaker 1: what it is. Because I think again, because this is 123 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:16,320 Speaker 1: so well intentioned. Sometimes we don't think what we're saying 124 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,960 Speaker 1: is that, but it actually is. So I'm gonna give 125 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,800 Speaker 1: you some basic phrases and some examples and you can 126 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: be like, oh I do that all the time, or 127 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 1: oh yeah, I really don't like when people do that. 128 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,119 Speaker 1: I understand that now, So phrases like good vibes only 129 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,480 Speaker 1: look on the bright side. Yes, but you have so 130 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 1: much to be grateful for. Don't let that blank, right, 131 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,280 Speaker 1: So don't let that make you cry, or don't let 132 00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:41,120 Speaker 1: that get you down, or don't let that whatever it is, 133 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 1: it's not that bad. Other people have it worse, or 134 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:49,599 Speaker 1: this one everything happens for a reason. I hate that. 135 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:52,279 Speaker 1: I really do hate. I also don't believe that everything 136 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:55,039 Speaker 1: happens for a reason, but that's another conversation. So some 137 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:59,200 Speaker 1: examples of sometimes what this looks like in an experience 138 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 1: would be like somebody who is is struggling getting pregnant, right, 139 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,599 Speaker 1: maybe they had a miscarriage or something, and somebody says, well, 140 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,919 Speaker 1: at least you were able to get pregnant. It's like, okay, 141 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,040 Speaker 1: so I can't I can't be sad then, because at 142 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 1: least I can do that. Or when something super bad happens, 143 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 1: like there's a correct or maybe you lose your job 144 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 1: or you have a breakup and somebody says like, well, 145 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 1: everything happens for a reason, and it's like, okay, that's 146 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 1: not helpful because it feels very icky and I feel 147 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: like I'm being punished and why would I be being 148 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 1: punished right? Or now? Am I being ungrateful and not 149 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: staying in line with my faith and my religion because 150 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: I'm mad that this happened, But it's part of God's plan, right. 151 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 1: This can look like telling somebody who's grieving something to like, 152 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,800 Speaker 1: just look at the positive things in their life they 153 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,520 Speaker 1: still have, Like maybe somebody's a parent died, and they're like, well, 154 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: focus on the parent that you do have, And it's like, okay, okay, 155 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,400 Speaker 1: it seems off, but if that's what I'm supposed to do, 156 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 1: I guess. And then again it comes with this like 157 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,680 Speaker 1: rush of my being ungrateful because I have a parent. 158 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 1: And honestly, I think this one is kind of confusing. 159 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,400 Speaker 1: But when we label people who like and look at 160 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,160 Speaker 1: people who look happy all the time and and have 161 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: this like essence of positivity as stronger or like, I guess, 162 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:16,360 Speaker 1: more likable, um, that is a form of toxic positivity, 163 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,200 Speaker 1: Like you're stronger because you can be more happy, but 164 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,920 Speaker 1: is that what strength looks like? So those are just 165 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 1: some examples of what that can look like in in life. 166 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 1: And I'm sure some of you guys out there have 167 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: been like, yeah, I've been told that or I've experienced that, 168 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 1: are like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And 169 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,559 Speaker 1: again you can see in these examples with toxic positivity 170 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,920 Speaker 1: that negative emotions where what has been being labeled as 171 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:40,200 Speaker 1: negative emotions. Right, So emotions that aren't comfortable or being 172 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,200 Speaker 1: labeled as negative emotions, they're seen as inherently bad, so 173 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,880 Speaker 1: we shouldn't have them. So by somebody saying don't feel 174 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,079 Speaker 1: that or it could be worse, trying to alleviate that 175 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:51,480 Speaker 1: hurt or sadness or any of that, it's sending the 176 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,040 Speaker 1: message that those things are bad and you shouldn't feel them. 177 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:58,520 Speaker 1: And when these quote unquote like positive ideas or phrases 178 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 1: are are pushed towards something, the real experience somebody is 179 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 1: having is being denied. Their experience is being minimized like 180 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: it's not so bad, and they're just being invalidated, which 181 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: really can when we're invalidated, it actually really does affect 182 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,760 Speaker 1: us because sometimes we aren't sitting there being like, oh 183 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,960 Speaker 1: I feel invalidated. We're sitting there and saying to ourselves, 184 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 1: oh I'm wrong. Right, there's not always that connection of 185 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,440 Speaker 1: like they're invalidating me, but this feels valid. There comes 186 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:24,920 Speaker 1: this part of me that's like, oh, I'm wrong for 187 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:34,520 Speaker 1: feeling this. So a number of problems arise from toxic positivity, 188 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,280 Speaker 1: and we're gonna talk about it too. And it can 189 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:41,040 Speaker 1: be confusing because why would it be bad to be positive? 190 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: And why would it be bad to look at the 191 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 1: bright side? And again, I want you to hear this. 192 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,360 Speaker 1: I don't think being optimistic and being a positive person 193 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:51,439 Speaker 1: is wrong, bad, or harmful. It's this experience of denying, minimizing, 194 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: and invalidating somebody's emotions that is what can be very, 195 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 1: very dangerous. So it can actually lead us to ignore 196 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:01,360 Speaker 1: real harm. So because can encourage us to minimize our 197 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 1: feelings and reactions to experiences, we may also encourage the 198 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,840 Speaker 1: minimization of like the severity of something. And so you 199 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 1: think about when it comes to abuse, right, then these 200 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 1: people might remain in these abusive relationships because it's like, oh, 201 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,960 Speaker 1: it's not so bad, or look at all the good 202 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,960 Speaker 1: things he does but at least you have a partner. 203 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: It's like these kinds of things, like we wonder why 204 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,719 Speaker 1: it's hard for some people to get out of relationships. 205 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,920 Speaker 1: And I did this episode on force forgiveness a while ago, 206 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 1: and I talked about how sometimes we can be pushed 207 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:35,520 Speaker 1: into this box of you must forgive, especially in religious communities. Right, 208 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,839 Speaker 1: So this brings up this idea of spiritual bypassing that 209 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 1: I want to address really quickly while we're here, because 210 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 1: encouraging the idea of forgiveness in this space increases the 211 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,560 Speaker 1: risk of people staying with things like abusive partners and 212 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 1: then being abused more so. Spiritual bypassing is a term 213 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,280 Speaker 1: that was coined by this guy named John Wellwood, and 214 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:59,439 Speaker 1: he describes it as a widespread tendency to use spiritual 215 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, 216 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks. So spiritual bypassing comes 217 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,720 Speaker 1: about when we use spirituality to avoid things, to avoid things, 218 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 1: to suppress things, to kind of escape, right, to get 219 00:11:19,559 --> 00:11:23,839 Speaker 1: away from the uncomfortable stuff we experience in life. And 220 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,319 Speaker 1: a huge part of it is over emphasizing the positives 221 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:32,920 Speaker 1: and avoiding negatives, so over emphasizing our blessings and trying 222 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,280 Speaker 1: to avoid things that are hard in our lives, right like, 223 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,760 Speaker 1: so count your blessings and all that. And this happens 224 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,960 Speaker 1: in many, many religions and spiritual groups. It's not just one. 225 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,440 Speaker 1: I see it a lot in Christianity because that's the 226 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,959 Speaker 1: faith that I'm surrounded by the most, but it can 227 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,200 Speaker 1: happen in any spiritual experience. And because some common examples, 228 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,559 Speaker 1: just like off the top of my head as I'm 229 00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 1: thinking about this, are things that you'll hear when like 230 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,360 Speaker 1: let go and let God. Everything happens for a reason, 231 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: It's part part of God's plan, like those kinds of things. 232 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: Pray about it, Oh my gosh. Like in the Episoday 233 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,960 Speaker 1: with Hannah Brentchure, like a year ago, I think, when 234 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,120 Speaker 1: out in January she talked about her mental health, like well, 235 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 1: if you just would pray more, God would heal your depression. 236 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:16,240 Speaker 1: And when we send that message it pushes people to 237 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 1: not ask for help, okay, and that it makes us 238 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: feel like we're bad Christians. So the more I will pray, 239 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 1: maybe God will will give give me the healing that 240 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 1: I need. And so I have to put it in 241 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,520 Speaker 1: God's hands, so I can't talk about it because if 242 00:12:29,559 --> 00:12:31,280 Speaker 1: I talk about it, that means I probably haven't been 243 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,400 Speaker 1: praying enough, and you can see how that cycle goes. 244 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,719 Speaker 1: Not great. God gave us the brains we have, so 245 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 1: we can reach out to help and get help from 246 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:42,320 Speaker 1: the people who have brains that know how to help 247 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:46,320 Speaker 1: alleviate and heal some of our mental health, physical health, 248 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 1: all of our things. Again another conversation. I just wanted 249 00:12:49,559 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 1: a side step and talk about that for a second, 250 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,600 Speaker 1: because this is part of that. So another way that 251 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 1: toxic positivity can be harmful is that it can encourage 252 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 1: someone to start believing that something's like wrong with them, 253 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,560 Speaker 1: that they're defective because what they hear and what we 254 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:08,600 Speaker 1: hear is our experience is wrong. And this can in 255 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: turn affect our self esteem. Right, so something's wrong with me. 256 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,839 Speaker 1: I'm defective. And if I can't look on the bright side, 257 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: if I can't feel okay, or if I can't get 258 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,559 Speaker 1: over this, then I might feel like I'm like failing 259 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: or failing at life feeling at being good at this, 260 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,600 Speaker 1: or I am a bad Christian, I am a bad mom, 261 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,720 Speaker 1: or I am a bad teacher, I am a bad 262 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 1: whatever it is. And then it also perpetuates this idea 263 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:35,080 Speaker 1: that in that right, you're defective, you're weak, you're inadequate. 264 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:39,920 Speaker 1: So when you feel sad, stressed, angry, hurt, when you're 265 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,200 Speaker 1: in the pick of your stuff, that means you're weak 266 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 1: because you can't get out of it. And this will 267 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 1: turn into isolation because that there comes a big old 268 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,840 Speaker 1: blanket of shame on top of that, and the shame 269 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,760 Speaker 1: that this develops can kind of deter someone from asking 270 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,520 Speaker 1: for help, especially like I was saying in that example 271 00:13:56,559 --> 00:14:00,120 Speaker 1: of the spiritual bypassing, like it can encourage us to 272 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 1: not ask for the help that we need that could 273 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:06,840 Speaker 1: actually be the solution to this situation. And we need 274 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 1: our feelings, right, We need to feel our feelings because 275 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,839 Speaker 1: our feelings are tools and guides and they lead us 276 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 1: to that connectedness, which is asking for help and getting 277 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 1: that need met. And this one is a big one. 278 00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: When we create these false positive experiences, what we also 279 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: are doing is we're losing the ability to develop skills 280 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 1: to deal with the world and it's like actual truth 281 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: as it is, rather than deal with the world with 282 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:33,560 Speaker 1: how we want it to be. So when we invite 283 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:38,360 Speaker 1: the false positive and that narrative. We're living literally in 284 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 1: an in a manufactured and authentic world. I have a 285 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,040 Speaker 1: tool for dealing with how I want the world to be. 286 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,880 Speaker 1: I wanted to be rainbows and butterflies in the bright 287 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,240 Speaker 1: side and the grass is greener, but it's not. So 288 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 1: then we miss out on the ability to develop skills 289 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,360 Speaker 1: to actually deal with the truth that is what we 290 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 1: are sitting in. And then also I think it can 291 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,520 Speaker 1: affect a lot of relationships in the sense that we 292 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,320 Speaker 1: don't develop communication issues. So if I'm suppo to look 293 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 1: on the bright side and not focus on all the 294 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 1: bad things like don't nag, don't nitpick, don't choose your 295 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,960 Speaker 1: battles like that kind of thing, it can actually push 296 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:14,080 Speaker 1: us away from creating like conversations. And what I know 297 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 1: about conflict is that is an invitation for intimacy. And 298 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,760 Speaker 1: so we are missing out on this experience to create 299 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 1: more intimacy, and then we're building resentment and it pushes 300 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 1: us farther from each other. Again, it removes the ability 301 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,920 Speaker 1: to connect. And when it comes down to it, it's 302 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,160 Speaker 1: just also very confusing. It just sends the message that 303 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,800 Speaker 1: I'm wrong, my feelings are wrong like this, this meter 304 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 1: inside of me is off, and I shouldn't be feeling this, 305 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 1: but the thing is you're feeling it. So it's just 306 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 1: very confusing if you sit in that idea and you 307 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 1: can't just tell yourself to not feel something. It doesn't 308 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,080 Speaker 1: work that way. I can't be like, hey, cat, don't 309 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,000 Speaker 1: be sad, and then all of a sudden, I'm not sad. 310 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: I wish I could do that. If I didn't want 311 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,320 Speaker 1: to feel sad, I would have to actively find a 312 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:57,920 Speaker 1: way to numb or hide. If I didn't want to 313 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,400 Speaker 1: just listen to the sadness and and and let that 314 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 1: guide me to what I need, I would have to 315 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: actively find a way to numb or hide, and I 316 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: would probably have to use in a behavior that can 317 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,680 Speaker 1: end up being pretty harmful. And then it doesn't actually 318 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,680 Speaker 1: make that feeling go away. It's a distraction and it 319 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,760 Speaker 1: just pushes it to the side for a little bit. 320 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:17,280 Speaker 1: Toxic positivity is an idea that I think came out 321 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,920 Speaker 1: of a desire to do good that actually just encourages 322 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:27,480 Speaker 1: us to deny authentic, uncomfortable feelings, even though they're very 323 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:31,800 Speaker 1: much real and most of the time justified. Which speaking 324 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,200 Speaker 1: of justified, let's talk about that for a second. So 325 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,840 Speaker 1: there's a difference between something being justified and something being valid, 326 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,000 Speaker 1: and I think what happens is often we don't want 327 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,320 Speaker 1: to validate something that we think is wrong, right, So 328 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,920 Speaker 1: we don't want to like validate something we don't agree with. 329 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 1: But validation doesn't mean we agree with something right. That 330 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:54,000 Speaker 1: idea makes sense, like I don't want to encourage something 331 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: that I think is wrong or bad or this or that. 332 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 1: But feelings are never wrong. They literally just are. They're 333 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,000 Speaker 1: just things. A feeling is alway is valid because it's 334 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 1: there and you have it, period, It doesn't mean it's justified. 335 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,520 Speaker 1: We can validate someone's emotional experience without being like, yeah, 336 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:12,879 Speaker 1: that's justified. You leave that at the door. Just always 337 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 1: to do here validate. The solution to toxic positivity is validation. 338 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,520 Speaker 1: It's very simple, which we're going to get into and 339 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,280 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you some examples of what that 340 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,400 Speaker 1: sounds like. But before we do that, I do want 341 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,919 Speaker 1: to take a second and talk about the difference between 342 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,480 Speaker 1: like being optimistic and being toxically positive, because I think 343 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,960 Speaker 1: also those get confused of like can I still be optimistic. 344 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:35,800 Speaker 1: Can I still encourage optimism? Can I still encourage hope? 345 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,399 Speaker 1: And the answer is yeah. The thing about optimism is 346 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,480 Speaker 1: that optimistic people aren't just like happy people all the time. 347 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:46,199 Speaker 1: Optimism involves this very real idea and belief in hope. Right, So, 348 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,359 Speaker 1: hope is a thing that they hold onto. Hopefulness is 349 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 1: the ability to anticipate and believe in positive circumstances and 350 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 1: improved outcomes. That's literally, Hopefulness is the ability to anticipate 351 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:02,280 Speaker 1: and believe in positive circum stances and improved outcomes. And 352 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,359 Speaker 1: what we know from research this is very true is 353 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:09,399 Speaker 1: having hope actually increases the likelihood of finding what it 354 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,399 Speaker 1: is that someone wants or longs for. So hope is 355 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,480 Speaker 1: something that's very helpful. Hope is very healthy. Hope is 356 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 1: something that we want to invite into our lives. Now, Again, 357 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,320 Speaker 1: being optimistic does not mean someone is happy all the time. 358 00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:24,480 Speaker 1: It does not mean they look at the bright side 359 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,440 Speaker 1: all of the time. What it means is that even 360 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,800 Speaker 1: when joy is lacking, they have the ability to choose hope. 361 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:35,679 Speaker 1: And you can't outright choose your feelings, you can choose hope. 362 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,480 Speaker 1: And it isn't black and white that's the thing that's 363 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,720 Speaker 1: I also want to remind us that. So if you 364 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,919 Speaker 1: heard how I said that even when joy is lacking, 365 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,639 Speaker 1: so what that could mean is even when there is 366 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,320 Speaker 1: a lot of sadness, even when there is hurt, even 367 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 1: when that there is an ability to believe something different 368 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,280 Speaker 1: can be present in the future. I would call myself 369 00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,000 Speaker 1: a very optimistic person. And I have a lot of feelings, 370 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:02,040 Speaker 1: like a wide range. I have all the feelings. I 371 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,800 Speaker 1: feel them all, and I don't like to, but I do. 372 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,160 Speaker 1: And to be honest, this week, I have been more 373 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,160 Speaker 1: sad than I have been in a really, really, really 374 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,440 Speaker 1: long time, and I had to honor those feelings. I 375 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,040 Speaker 1: didn't like it. I had to honor them and validate 376 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 1: them and sitting them and remind myself that it makes 377 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,359 Speaker 1: sense that I'm experiencing, that my sadness deserved some love 378 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,439 Speaker 1: and attention and some validation. And I don't think I'm 379 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:26,240 Speaker 1: always going to feel this way forever. Therefore, I don't 380 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,359 Speaker 1: have this initial push to be like, don't be sad, 381 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 1: It's gonna be okay, because, like I have this hope 382 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,040 Speaker 1: in me that knows that it's not always going to 383 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,600 Speaker 1: be this way. So I can honor what I'm experiencing now, 384 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,359 Speaker 1: So how do you, guys, get out of this trap 385 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,280 Speaker 1: or how whether it is that you do it to 386 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,639 Speaker 1: yourself or you find yourself saying this to other people, 387 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,119 Speaker 1: Because sitting with discomfort is hard for all of us. 388 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 1: I'm going to offer some alternatives that you can offer 389 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,000 Speaker 1: to yourself and others to get out of it. And 390 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,639 Speaker 1: like I said, the solution to toxic positivity is validation. 391 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,560 Speaker 1: And validation does not mean I agree with everything someone 392 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,880 Speaker 1: is saying. And if we could actually implant that idea 393 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,080 Speaker 1: in our brain, I think this world would be very, 394 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,680 Speaker 1: very different. I can validate without saying I agree with you. 395 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,119 Speaker 1: What it means is I honor your truth is your truth, 396 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,879 Speaker 1: and I honor your experience as your experience, and I 397 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,800 Speaker 1: do not have the need to make my experience your experience. 398 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:20,040 Speaker 1: There's no rationalization invalidation at all. So here are some 399 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,719 Speaker 1: examples of what something may sound like when it's spread 400 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 1: in a toxic positivity way, and then a way to 401 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: shift and just validate. So if we look at the 402 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,320 Speaker 1: phrase look at the bright side, you could try this 403 00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:37,439 Speaker 1: is really tough, period. That's it. And instead of saying 404 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,880 Speaker 1: something like it could be worse. You could say, yeah, 405 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,640 Speaker 1: that sounds like it really sucks. Is there any way 406 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,560 Speaker 1: that I can support you right now? Or instead of 407 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,960 Speaker 1: don't let that bother you, you can try yeah, it 408 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,840 Speaker 1: makes sense that this affected you this way. And instead 409 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,440 Speaker 1: of it's not that big of a deal, you could say, 410 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: I hear that this feels really big right now for you. 411 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,080 Speaker 1: Do you want to talk about it? And it's that 412 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,800 Speaker 1: of you don't need that negative energy, good vibes. Only 413 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,360 Speaker 1: you could say even though I don't like admitting it, 414 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:10,560 Speaker 1: life can be really tough sometimes. Ah, there, And so 415 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,600 Speaker 1: we're not trying to fix anything. We're not trying to 416 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,800 Speaker 1: change anything. We're trying to validate somebody and help them 417 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:22,679 Speaker 1: own and acknowledge and respect their experience. I respect their experience. 418 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,320 Speaker 1: And when I can respect my experience and honor that, 419 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:30,360 Speaker 1: I can feel more connected. I can feel actually more 420 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,560 Speaker 1: okay in that because I don't have to wonder if 421 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,080 Speaker 1: I'm bad or wrong, and I can listen to my 422 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,879 Speaker 1: feelings and hopefully allow them to guide me to what 423 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,640 Speaker 1: it is that I need. So there is my little 424 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:46,360 Speaker 1: talk on toxic positivity. It's something that is pretty hot 425 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,000 Speaker 1: right now because there is a lot of stuff going 426 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,200 Speaker 1: on in the world, and we don't want to feel 427 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,320 Speaker 1: it all the time, and sometimes we just want to 428 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 1: be good vibes only. But the truth is that's not 429 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:58,760 Speaker 1: the truth. So I hope this was helpful, and I 430 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,160 Speaker 1: hope this felt afe to listen to rather than scary, 431 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,800 Speaker 1: because my experience is that when people have been talking 432 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,359 Speaker 1: about this, it felt like it's kind of scary. So 433 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,479 Speaker 1: I remember, not everything is black and white, and we 434 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:14,040 Speaker 1: can own our truth and validate other people's truths at 435 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,040 Speaker 1: the same time. If you have any questions about this, 436 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,639 Speaker 1: remember you can always email me at Catherine at you 437 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,720 Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can follow me on 438 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,920 Speaker 1: Instagram at cat dot de fata or the podcast at 439 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:29,359 Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy Podcast. Thank you for listening and 440 00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:31,720 Speaker 1: and being part of my little family on here, and 441 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:33,440 Speaker 1: I hope you guys have the week you need to 442 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:34,360 Speaker 1: have By