WEBVTT - Second Cup: Use ‘shadow values’ in your favor

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.

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<v Speaker 1>Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's tip is about how to use something called shadow

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<v Speaker 1>values in your favor. When you understand people's deep and

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<v Speaker 1>often hidden motivations, you can reach good outcomes and situations

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<v Speaker 1>that might otherwise be fraught. This tip comes from Dr

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<v Speaker 1>Jennifer Goldman Wetsler's new book, Optimal Outcomes Free Yourself from

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<v Speaker 1>Conflict at work, at home, and in life. In this book,

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<v Speaker 1>Goldman Wetsler explains that shadow values are those things we

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<v Speaker 1>care about in life but that are hard to admit

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<v Speaker 1>even to ourselves. She shows us how shadow values get

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<v Speaker 1>and keep a stuck in conflict, and how we can

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<v Speaker 1>use them to break free. For instance, many people desire recognition,

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<v Speaker 1>whether for contributions they make it work, at home or

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<v Speaker 1>in the community. But most of us have also learned

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<v Speaker 1>from a very young age that asking for recognition directly

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<v Speaker 1>isn't socially acceptable. So we are not going to stand

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<v Speaker 1>up and announced to our colleagues or spouses that, hey,

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<v Speaker 1>I would really like to be praised for what I

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<v Speaker 1>did here, So we find other, less direct ways to

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<v Speaker 1>get the recognition we deserve. Goldman Wetsler notes that we

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<v Speaker 1>make self congratulatory remarks, or we draw attention to our accomplishments,

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<v Speaker 1>and awkward ways we overlook other people's contributions in favor

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<v Speaker 1>of shining the spotlight on our own. If you are

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<v Speaker 1>on the receiving end of someone doing this, you might

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<v Speaker 1>get frustrated and annoyed. As conflict escalates, you might start

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<v Speaker 1>scheming about ways to confront the other person and get

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<v Speaker 1>him or her to change. There's a school of thought

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<v Speaker 1>that such situations call for honest conversations, but Goldman Wetsler

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<v Speaker 1>has different advice. Stop trying to have that honest conversation.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't necessarily need to talk about something uncomfortable in

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<v Speaker 1>order to free yourself from the conflict it's producing. Indeed,

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<v Speaker 1>talking about it can be counterproductive because even if you

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<v Speaker 1>point out the other person's shadow value, like hey, it

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<v Speaker 1>looks like you would really like some attention right now,

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<v Speaker 1>the person might be embarrassed or deny that's what's going on. Instead,

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<v Speaker 1>do the work inside yourself. Goldman Wetzler suggests putting yourself

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<v Speaker 1>in the other person's shoes and imagine what they might

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<v Speaker 1>really care about. But be unable to admit. Simply acknowledge

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<v Speaker 1>that the shadow value may be driving the other person's behavior.

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<v Speaker 1>As Goldman Whatsler notes, doing this can drastically improve your

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<v Speaker 1>relationship with someone and produce empathy in a way no

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<v Speaker 1>other practice can. Then, once you've acknowledged this possibility that

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<v Speaker 1>my colleague gets taking all the credit for our project

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<v Speaker 1>because she really wants recognition and feels like she's being

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<v Speaker 1>taken for granted around here, you could take things to

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<v Speaker 1>the next level by asking yourself how you can honor

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<v Speaker 1>the shadow value and thought words or actions. For example,

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<v Speaker 1>you can simply think to yourself, Wow, maybe being recognized

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<v Speaker 1>for her contributions is really important to her. This mindset

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<v Speaker 1>can help you with future interactions. Or you could choose

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<v Speaker 1>to honor the shadow value with your words, saying, for example,

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<v Speaker 1>thank you for all you've done to make this project work.

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<v Speaker 1>I know it wasn't easy and I appreciate what you did.

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<v Speaker 1>Or you can choose to honor the shadow value with

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<v Speaker 1>your actions by, for instance, saying that you want to

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<v Speaker 1>take the person to lunch in appreciation for all her

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<v Speaker 1>hard work. Now, to be sure, some people don't like

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<v Speaker 1>rewarding what seems like immature behavior with praise, thanks, actions

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<v Speaker 1>or anything else. But the truth is we all have

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<v Speaker 1>shadow values. I know I do, even if I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>know that's what they were called before recording this episode.

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<v Speaker 1>Acknowledging other people's shadow values lets us depersonalized behavior. We

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<v Speaker 1>recognize that these annoying, frustrating actions are just part of

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<v Speaker 1>what it means to be human. Understanding that in many

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<v Speaker 1>cases it's not about us, it's about them can de

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<v Speaker 1>escalate conflict and make better outcomes possible. We can be

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<v Speaker 1>more understanding of ourselves and others and build the relationships

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<v Speaker 1>we care about most. In the meantime, this is Laura.

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of

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<v Speaker 1>our time. Hey, everybody, I'd love to hear from you.

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<v Speaker 1>email at Before Breakfast podcast at iHeart media dot com.

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks so much. I look forward to staying in touch. Yeah,

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