Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.
Speaker 1: Today's tip is about how to use something called shadow
Speaker 1: values in your favor. When you understand people's deep and
Speaker 1: often hidden motivations, you can reach good outcomes and situations
Speaker 1: that might otherwise be fraught. This tip comes from Dr
Speaker 1: Jennifer Goldman Wetsler's new book, Optimal Outcomes Free Yourself from
Speaker 1: Conflict at work, at home, and in life. In this book,
Speaker 1: Goldman Wetsler explains that shadow values are those things we
Speaker 1: care about in life but that are hard to admit
Speaker 1: even to ourselves. She shows us how shadow values get
Speaker 1: and keep a stuck in conflict, and how we can
Speaker 1: use them to break free. For instance, many people desire recognition,
Speaker 1: whether for contributions they make it work, at home or
Speaker 1: in the community. But most of us have also learned
Speaker 1: from a very young age that asking for recognition directly
Speaker 1: isn't socially acceptable. So we are not going to stand
Speaker 1: up and announced to our colleagues or spouses that, hey,
Speaker 1: I would really like to be praised for what I
Speaker 1: did here, So we find other, less direct ways to
Speaker 1: get the recognition we deserve. Goldman Wetsler notes that we
Speaker 1: make self congratulatory remarks, or we draw attention to our accomplishments,
Speaker 1: and awkward ways we overlook other people's contributions in favor
Speaker 1: of shining the spotlight on our own. If you are
Speaker 1: on the receiving end of someone doing this, you might
Speaker 1: get frustrated and annoyed. As conflict escalates, you might start
Speaker 1: scheming about ways to confront the other person and get
Speaker 1: him or her to change. There's a school of thought
Speaker 1: that such situations call for honest conversations, but Goldman Wetsler
Speaker 1: has different advice. Stop trying to have that honest conversation.
Speaker 1: You don't necessarily need to talk about something uncomfortable in
Speaker 1: order to free yourself from the conflict it's producing. Indeed,
Speaker 1: talking about it can be counterproductive because even if you
Speaker 1: point out the other person's shadow value, like hey, it
Speaker 1: looks like you would really like some attention right now,
Speaker 1: the person might be embarrassed or deny that's what's going on. Instead,
Speaker 1: do the work inside yourself. Goldman Wetzler suggests putting yourself
Speaker 1: in the other person's shoes and imagine what they might
Speaker 1: really care about. But be unable to admit. Simply acknowledge
Speaker 1: that the shadow value may be driving the other person's behavior.
Speaker 1: As Goldman Whatsler notes, doing this can drastically improve your
Speaker 1: relationship with someone and produce empathy in a way no
Speaker 1: other practice can. Then, once you've acknowledged this possibility that
Speaker 1: my colleague gets taking all the credit for our project
Speaker 1: because she really wants recognition and feels like she's being
Speaker 1: taken for granted around here, you could take things to
Speaker 1: the next level by asking yourself how you can honor
Speaker 1: the shadow value and thought words or actions. For example,
Speaker 1: you can simply think to yourself, Wow, maybe being recognized
Speaker 1: for her contributions is really important to her. This mindset
Speaker 1: can help you with future interactions. Or you could choose
Speaker 1: to honor the shadow value with your words, saying, for example,
Speaker 1: thank you for all you've done to make this project work.
Speaker 1: I know it wasn't easy and I appreciate what you did.
Speaker 1: Or you can choose to honor the shadow value with
Speaker 1: your actions by, for instance, saying that you want to
Speaker 1: take the person to lunch in appreciation for all her
Speaker 1: hard work. Now, to be sure, some people don't like
Speaker 1: rewarding what seems like immature behavior with praise, thanks, actions
Speaker 1: or anything else. But the truth is we all have
Speaker 1: shadow values. I know I do, even if I didn't
Speaker 1: know that's what they were called before recording this episode.
Speaker 1: Acknowledging other people's shadow values lets us depersonalized behavior. We
Speaker 1: recognize that these annoying, frustrating actions are just part of
Speaker 1: what it means to be human. Understanding that in many
Speaker 1: cases it's not about us, it's about them can de
Speaker 1: escalate conflict and make better outcomes possible. We can be
Speaker 1: more understanding of ourselves and others and build the relationships
Speaker 1: we care about most. In the meantime, this is Laura.
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of
Speaker 1: our time. Hey, everybody, I'd love to hear from you.
Speaker 1: You can send me your tips, your questions, or anything else.
Speaker 1: Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at
Speaker 1: Before Breakfast Pod that's b E the number four then
Speaker 1: Breakfast p O D. You can also shoot me an
Speaker 1: email at Before Breakfast podcast at iHeart media dot com.
Speaker 1: That Before Breakfast is spelled out with all the letters.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much. I look forward to staying in touch. Yeah,
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