1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,680 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio. 2 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. 3 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:17,960 Speaker 1: Today's tip is about how to use something called shadow 4 00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:22,439 Speaker 1: values in your favor. When you understand people's deep and 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 1: often hidden motivations, you can reach good outcomes and situations 6 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 1: that might otherwise be fraught. This tip comes from Dr 7 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: Jennifer Goldman Wetsler's new book, Optimal Outcomes Free Yourself from 8 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: Conflict at work, at home, and in life. In this book, 9 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,320 Speaker 1: Goldman Wetsler explains that shadow values are those things we 10 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 1: care about in life but that are hard to admit 11 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 1: even to ourselves. She shows us how shadow values get 12 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,720 Speaker 1: and keep a stuck in conflict, and how we can 13 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:59,360 Speaker 1: use them to break free. For instance, many people desire recognition, 14 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: whether for contributions they make it work, at home or 15 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,120 Speaker 1: in the community. But most of us have also learned 16 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 1: from a very young age that asking for recognition directly 17 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,279 Speaker 1: isn't socially acceptable. So we are not going to stand 18 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: up and announced to our colleagues or spouses that, hey, 19 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 1: I would really like to be praised for what I 20 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,039 Speaker 1: did here, So we find other, less direct ways to 21 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 1: get the recognition we deserve. Goldman Wetsler notes that we 22 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,600 Speaker 1: make self congratulatory remarks, or we draw attention to our accomplishments, 23 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 1: and awkward ways we overlook other people's contributions in favor 24 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 1: of shining the spotlight on our own. If you are 25 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 1: on the receiving end of someone doing this, you might 26 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:45,320 Speaker 1: get frustrated and annoyed. As conflict escalates, you might start 27 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,920 Speaker 1: scheming about ways to confront the other person and get 28 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 1: him or her to change. There's a school of thought 29 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 1: that such situations call for honest conversations, but Goldman Wetsler 30 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 1: has different advice. Stop trying to have that honest conversation. 31 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,000 Speaker 1: You don't necessarily need to talk about something uncomfortable in 32 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 1: order to free yourself from the conflict it's producing. Indeed, 33 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 1: talking about it can be counterproductive because even if you 34 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:14,080 Speaker 1: point out the other person's shadow value, like hey, it 35 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,240 Speaker 1: looks like you would really like some attention right now, 36 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 1: the person might be embarrassed or deny that's what's going on. Instead, 37 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,800 Speaker 1: do the work inside yourself. Goldman Wetzler suggests putting yourself 38 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,639 Speaker 1: in the other person's shoes and imagine what they might 39 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:33,040 Speaker 1: really care about. But be unable to admit. Simply acknowledge 40 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,960 Speaker 1: that the shadow value may be driving the other person's behavior. 41 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,359 Speaker 1: As Goldman Whatsler notes, doing this can drastically improve your 42 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,320 Speaker 1: relationship with someone and produce empathy in a way no 43 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,400 Speaker 1: other practice can. Then, once you've acknowledged this possibility that 44 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,880 Speaker 1: my colleague gets taking all the credit for our project 45 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,680 Speaker 1: because she really wants recognition and feels like she's being 46 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 1: taken for granted around here, you could take things to 47 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: the next level by asking yourself how you can honor 48 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: the shadow value and thought words or actions. For example, 49 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 1: you can simply think to yourself, Wow, maybe being recognized 50 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,400 Speaker 1: for her contributions is really important to her. This mindset 51 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,440 Speaker 1: can help you with future interactions. Or you could choose 52 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,520 Speaker 1: to honor the shadow value with your words, saying, for example, 53 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,360 Speaker 1: thank you for all you've done to make this project work. 54 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,880 Speaker 1: I know it wasn't easy and I appreciate what you did. 55 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: Or you can choose to honor the shadow value with 56 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 1: your actions by, for instance, saying that you want to 57 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: take the person to lunch in appreciation for all her 58 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 1: hard work. Now, to be sure, some people don't like 59 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:40,360 Speaker 1: rewarding what seems like immature behavior with praise, thanks, actions 60 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,160 Speaker 1: or anything else. But the truth is we all have 61 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 1: shadow values. I know I do, even if I didn't 62 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: know that's what they were called before recording this episode. 63 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: Acknowledging other people's shadow values lets us depersonalized behavior. We 64 00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:00,720 Speaker 1: recognize that these annoying, frustrating actions are just part of 65 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,960 Speaker 1: what it means to be human. Understanding that in many 66 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 1: cases it's not about us, it's about them can de 67 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: escalate conflict and make better outcomes possible. We can be 68 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:16,840 Speaker 1: more understanding of ourselves and others and build the relationships 69 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 1: we care about most. In the meantime, this is Laura. 70 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,599 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of 71 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:34,360 Speaker 1: our time. Hey, everybody, I'd love to hear from you. 72 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,279 Speaker 1: You can send me your tips, your questions, or anything else. 73 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,600 Speaker 1: Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at 74 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:46,479 Speaker 1: Before Breakfast Pod that's b E the number four then 75 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 1: Breakfast p O D. You can also shoot me an 76 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:54,159 Speaker 1: email at Before Breakfast podcast at iHeart media dot com. 77 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 1: That Before Breakfast is spelled out with all the letters. 78 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 1: Thanks so much. I look forward to staying in touch. Yeah, 79 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: Before Breakfast is a production of i heart Radio. For 80 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,479 Speaker 1: more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart 81 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,920 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 82 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 1: favorite shows.