1
00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,920
Speaker 1: In order for relationships to be the source of our

2
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,240
Speaker 1: greatest joy, we have to approach them differently. We have

3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:11,800
Speaker 1: to approach them from the perspective of learning more than loving. First,

4
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,400
Speaker 1: you're learning how to love the other person. You're learning

5
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:27,520
Speaker 1: about love. You're not just in love. You're not just loving. Hey, everyone,

6
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:31,240
Speaker 1: welcome back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast

7
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:36,600
Speaker 1: in the world. We're talking about your physical, mental, emotional, psychological,

8
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,760
Speaker 1: and spiritual health and how we can improve all parts

9
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:45,240
Speaker 1: of our body, mind, and soul experience. I am so

10
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:49,559
Speaker 1: grateful for your ears today and every day that you

11
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,760
Speaker 1: tune in to on Purpose, whether you're walking your dog,

12
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,200
Speaker 1: whether you're at the gym, whether you're driving to and

13
00:00:55,320 --> 00:01:00,240
Speaker 1: from work. I appreciate you. Thank you for being here now.

14
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:02,680
Speaker 1: I've been talking to a lot of friends lately, and

15
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,920
Speaker 1: you know that these topics that I bring up to

16
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:11,119
Speaker 1: our community on Purpose are based on conversations I'm having

17
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:15,320
Speaker 1: with my clients that I'm hearing from friends, family members.

18
00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:18,959
Speaker 1: And there are a lot of people that either went

19
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:23,720
Speaker 1: through breakups during the pandemic or are going through breakups

20
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:28,120
Speaker 1: right now. And I think the big question is always

21
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,520
Speaker 1: how do I deal with a breakup? How do I

22
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,280
Speaker 1: move on? And then how do I know that I'm

23
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,800
Speaker 1: ready to date again? And these are really important questions.

24
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,800
Speaker 1: We've done a lot of podcast episodes on how to

25
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,520
Speaker 1: know that it's time to break up. We've also done

26
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,479
Speaker 1: a lot of episodes on how to deal with heartbreak,

27
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:51,360
Speaker 1: but we haven't really ever focused on how to know

28
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:55,040
Speaker 1: if you're ready to date again. So, whether you're dating

29
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:58,520
Speaker 1: right now, whether you're broken up, whether you're single or

30
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,880
Speaker 1: in a relationship, really believe that this podcast will still

31
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,920
Speaker 1: help you because it will help you make better decisions

32
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:08,399
Speaker 1: no matter your situation, and it's also going to help

33
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:13,000
Speaker 1: you help your friends or people in these situations. Now,

34
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,480
Speaker 1: I want to start off by sharing some amazing statistics

35
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:19,800
Speaker 1: that I read on a website called to Date for Love.

36
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,680
Speaker 1: And in this website, it broke down some of these

37
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,960
Speaker 1: statistics that really stood out to me that I believe

38
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:29,320
Speaker 1: they've gathered from lots of different studies, and it talked

39
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:33,680
Speaker 1: about how the average woman goes through seven relationships before

40
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:39,799
Speaker 1: finding the one, while men have been through around eight relationships.

41
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:44,480
Speaker 1: When I read that, it really made me feel grateful

42
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:48,120
Speaker 1: about my own life. I would say that I had

43
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,800
Speaker 1: three proper relationships before I found RADI, and I was thinking, Wow,

44
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,840
Speaker 1: I'm really grateful that I got to find it sooner.

45
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,120
Speaker 1: But it also made me realize that there are a

46
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:01,200
Speaker 1: lot of people in my life have only ever had

47
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:06,120
Speaker 1: one or two real relationships and I feeling broken or

48
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:09,240
Speaker 1: feeling lost, or feeling stuck, or feeling confused, or feeling

49
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,919
Speaker 1: like they're never going to find someone. And that number

50
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,600
Speaker 1: just gave me a lot of context, and it almost

51
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,360
Speaker 1: gave everyone permission to just pause and take a moment

52
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,200
Speaker 1: and say, Okay, well, I might have to take a

53
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,519
Speaker 1: few more goals at this, I might have to try

54
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:30,200
Speaker 1: a few more people, I may have to explore a

55
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,840
Speaker 1: little further. But knowing that you haven't really been through

56
00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:37,960
Speaker 1: seven or eight real relationships should give you a sense

57
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,720
Speaker 1: of hope. Now, if you're someone here sitting saying, Jay,

58
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:42,600
Speaker 1: I've been through like ten, I would really ask you

59
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,600
Speaker 1: the question where they're real relationships or were you just dating?

60
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,640
Speaker 1: Did you ever get beyond that dating phase where you

61
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:52,640
Speaker 1: actually exclusive? And then if you were exclusive, were you

62
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,520
Speaker 1: together for three months? Were you together for six months?

63
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,120
Speaker 1: Were you together for a year? Right? You want to

64
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,480
Speaker 1: really look at the amount of time that was committed

65
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,880
Speaker 1: to and the amount of time that you spent together.

66
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:08,000
Speaker 1: Now here are some statistics that I think are important

67
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,200
Speaker 1: for us to realize because I think they help us

68
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:15,440
Speaker 1: understand that we're not alone. So, the same website says

69
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:19,200
Speaker 1: that long distance relationships have a fifty eight percent success right.

70
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,400
Speaker 1: I was quite surprised by that. I was like, that's

71
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,680
Speaker 1: pretty high, right, which shows that maybe we've been benefited

72
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,479
Speaker 1: by the pandemic to be able to have long distance

73
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:33,200
Speaker 1: relationships because we're more used to digital communication. This one

74
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,560
Speaker 1: wasn't a surprise, but I think it's important to know.

75
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,440
Speaker 1: Couples that meet online are more likely to break up

76
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:43,680
Speaker 1: than partners that meet the traditional way. And I don't

77
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,920
Speaker 1: think that's a surprise. I think that makes sense. If

78
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,520
Speaker 1: someone connected with you online, it's easier to ghost you,

79
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:52,320
Speaker 1: it's easier to feel less intimate or less personal. But

80
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,400
Speaker 1: it's important for us to know because when you hear that,

81
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,159
Speaker 1: and maybe you've just been through that, or you know

82
00:04:57,279 --> 00:05:00,599
Speaker 1: someone who has, you're able to empathize, You're able to connect,

83
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,960
Speaker 1: and that persons will say able to recognize that this

84
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,279
Speaker 1: is a trend. Now I know that your life never

85
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,360
Speaker 1: feels like a trend. And I don't want it to.

86
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,960
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that a statistic is the antidote to

87
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:17,719
Speaker 1: your emotions, but I am saying that understanding research and

88
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:24,200
Speaker 1: understanding statistics and understanding the probability of something happening or

89
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:28,320
Speaker 1: not happening is a great way to understand where you

90
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:33,200
Speaker 1: are better, because otherwise we make very improbable circumstances and

91
00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:36,719
Speaker 1: scenarios in our mind feel like this should happen. For example,

92
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:42,000
Speaker 1: we're obsessed with imagination and fascination more than reality. Now,

93
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,839
Speaker 1: this one will resonate with a lot of you. Fifty

94
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:51,200
Speaker 1: eight percent of Americans say that breakups are usually dramatic

95
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:55,839
Speaker 1: or messy, or both. This was from YouGov. A quarter

96
00:05:56,040 --> 00:06:00,640
Speaker 1: of respondence, on the other hand, disagree. Statistics of breakups

97
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:04,000
Speaker 1: showed that older generations tend to see breakups in a

98
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:08,120
Speaker 1: worse light than younger age groups, with fifty two percent

99
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:12,240
Speaker 1: of millennials perceiving breakups as messy compared to sixty percent

100
00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:15,679
Speaker 1: of Gen x's and sixty three percent of Americans age

101
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,440
Speaker 1: fifty five and over. This blew my mind, but I

102
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:23,520
Speaker 1: know that we can relate more deeply with the idea

103
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,960
Speaker 1: that breakups can be dramatic messy or both. And that's

104
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,800
Speaker 1: why the tips and principles that I'm going to give

105
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,680
Speaker 1: you today are going to help you unpack how you

106
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:36,080
Speaker 1: know if you're ready to date again through that messiness

107
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,640
Speaker 1: and through that drama as well. Another study from yugov

108
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,240
Speaker 1: Elite Singles said that sixty four percent of Americans have

109
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:48,240
Speaker 1: gone through the breakup of a long term relationship. Wow.

110
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,680
Speaker 1: And it goes on to say in the study, if

111
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,960
Speaker 1: you've ever wondered who the dumper and the average US

112
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,240
Speaker 1: long term couple is. Breakup statistics say that women are

113
00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:59,320
Speaker 1: more likely to call it quits than men. Seventy six

114
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,680
Speaker 1: percent of women and said that they had ended the

115
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:06,000
Speaker 1: relationship just like sixty two percent of men. Women might

116
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,000
Speaker 1: end things more often, but they also feel more pain.

117
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,560
Speaker 1: Some of the hardest things to understand is that thirty

118
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:18,040
Speaker 1: four percent of younger generations called it off through a text,

119
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:22,800
Speaker 1: and seventy two percent of respondents said that they had

120
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,400
Speaker 1: been ghosted by a partner and sixty five percent admitted

121
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:30,080
Speaker 1: to ghosting someone. So why am I sharing all of this?

122
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,200
Speaker 1: I'm sharing all of this to help you realize that

123
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,840
Speaker 1: you're not alone. I'm also sharing all of this to

124
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:41,480
Speaker 1: help you understand that relationships are difficult. They're messy, and

125
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:48,400
Speaker 1: they're really really hard to end, start, find, maintain. Every

126
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:52,720
Speaker 1: part of a relationship is messy, and the reason we

127
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:57,080
Speaker 1: put in so much effort, the reason we try so hard,

128
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,440
Speaker 1: is because they're also the source of our greatest joy.

129
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:05,120
Speaker 1: But here's what I've found to be really fascinating and

130
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:09,520
Speaker 1: interesting is that in order for relationships to be the

131
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:13,320
Speaker 1: source of our greatest joy, we have to approach them differently.

132
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,440
Speaker 1: We have to approach them from the perspective of learning

133
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:23,080
Speaker 1: more than loving. First, you're learning how to love the

134
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:28,040
Speaker 1: other person. You're learning about love. You're not just in love,

135
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:31,440
Speaker 1: You're not just loving. So I'm going to share with

136
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,360
Speaker 1: you these principles today that are going to let you

137
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,160
Speaker 1: know if you or your friends are ready to date

138
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:40,040
Speaker 1: again and whether you really have recovered from that breakup.

139
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:45,080
Speaker 1: Here's the first principle. The first principle is did you

140
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:50,520
Speaker 1: learn Have you learned the lesson from the last relationship.

141
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:54,200
Speaker 1: It's fascinating to me. I'm interviewing a lot right now

142
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:58,040
Speaker 1: for my teams, and whenever I do an interview, I'll

143
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,959
Speaker 1: often ask people, why are you applying for a job?

144
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,800
Speaker 1: Right now, or tell me why you want to leave

145
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,720
Speaker 1: your current place of work or why you left your

146
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,680
Speaker 1: last job. And people who've left their last job so

147
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,320
Speaker 1: often they'll say to me, I just didn't like that

148
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,040
Speaker 1: last job, and you know, this just didn't makes sense,

149
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,440
Speaker 1: and I just want to get away from it. And

150
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:22,400
Speaker 1: they're still fully absorbed in their last job. They are

151
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:27,360
Speaker 1: still fully immersed in the pain, the challenges, the stress,

152
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,240
Speaker 1: the pressures off the last job, that they never even

153
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,040
Speaker 1: get around telling me why they're excited for a new job.

154
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:39,840
Speaker 1: Their answer becomes completely held down and held back by

155
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,640
Speaker 1: the pain and stress of a last job. If you

156
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:49,560
Speaker 1: feel that pull, that hold from your last relationship which

157
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:53,360
Speaker 1: is stopping you from moving on and knowing if you're

158
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,160
Speaker 1: ready to date again, it's because you haven't yet learned

159
00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,640
Speaker 1: the lesson that relationship was trying to teach you. That

160
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,720
Speaker 1: lesson may have been to avoid a particular trait. That

161
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,040
Speaker 1: lesson may have been to slow down. That lesson may

162
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:11,959
Speaker 1: have been to have more healthy conversations. That lesson may

163
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:17,600
Speaker 1: have been to be more observant. If we cannot articulate

164
00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:22,320
Speaker 1: and communicate the lesson we have learned from our last relationships,

165
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,800
Speaker 1: we are not ready to date again. Why Because, as

166
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:31,520
Speaker 1: karma suggests, we will make the same mistake again and

167
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:35,600
Speaker 1: again and again. This is what blows my mind the most.

168
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,720
Speaker 1: We talk a lot about karma, but I'm going to

169
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:41,600
Speaker 1: help you understand karma from a Vedic perspective. Karma is

170
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:47,880
Speaker 1: the law of every action has an equal and opposite reaction,

171
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,800
Speaker 1: that anything we receive in life is based on the

172
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:57,280
Speaker 1: intention and the attention with which we made a decision.

173
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,559
Speaker 1: I'll give you an example. Why do they say never

174
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,480
Speaker 1: play around with scissors. Why would you never play around

175
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,560
Speaker 1: with a knife, Because the chances are that when you

176
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,880
Speaker 1: play around with scissors, when you play around with a knife,

177
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:16,360
Speaker 1: you could get cut. The intention and the attention are

178
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:19,480
Speaker 1: not in the right place, and therefore you get a result.

179
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,880
Speaker 1: You don't get cut because you once cut a scissor.

180
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,240
Speaker 1: You don't get cut by a knife because once you

181
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,520
Speaker 1: cut a knife, you get it because the intention and

182
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:33,640
Speaker 1: attention at that moment in time is misaligned. Similarly, when

183
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,920
Speaker 1: you go through a relationship and something terrible up, it's

184
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,960
Speaker 1: like someone cheats on you. It's not because you cheated

185
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,760
Speaker 1: on someone, it's because when you look back, you know

186
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:46,000
Speaker 1: that you let some red flags slide. You know that

187
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,520
Speaker 1: you weren't observing, You didn't listen to your intuition. You

188
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,200
Speaker 1: know that there were parts of them that you could

189
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,160
Speaker 1: tell that they were ready to do something like that,

190
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,439
Speaker 1: but you were ignorant, or you were so negligent. You

191
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,080
Speaker 1: trusted them blindly. You didn't let them earn your trust.

192
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,920
Speaker 1: You just gave your trust away. You didn't let them

193
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,600
Speaker 1: build your trust. You just trusted them because you thought

194
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,320
Speaker 1: they were amazing, and they were wonderful, and they were kind.

195
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:11,000
Speaker 1: But you got blind in love. Have you ever had

196
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,840
Speaker 1: one bad moment spoil your entire day or felt overwhelmed

197
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,880
Speaker 1: for no reason? What about stress or anxious over that

198
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:22,080
Speaker 1: big moment or difficult conversation? You should try meditation. And

199
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,560
Speaker 1: I know what you're thinking, Jay, you used to be

200
00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:26,160
Speaker 1: a monk. I don't have time to sit in the

201
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,160
Speaker 1: woods for hours doing nothing, but really all the time

202
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,920
Speaker 1: you need to start your own mindfulness practice is seven

203
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,280
Speaker 1: minutes a day with the daily j my daily guided

204
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,199
Speaker 1: meditations on the car map. You don't need to close

205
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,840
Speaker 1: your eyes or find a special seat. You can try

206
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,280
Speaker 1: it while you brush your teeth, do the dishes, or

207
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,719
Speaker 1: walk your dog. My goal in seven minutes a day

208
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,400
Speaker 1: is to help you find a calm and feel grounded

209
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,040
Speaker 1: in your busy world, plant beautiful intentions for an abundant

210
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,120
Speaker 1: life and simple steps for positive actions to get you

211
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,840
Speaker 1: closer to the life of your dreams. Here's what one

212
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,120
Speaker 1: of the listeners of the Daily Jay had to say

213
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:04,160
Speaker 1: about their meditation. Wow, I just had a super hard

214
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,679
Speaker 1: day at work and couldn't get my bosses comments out

215
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,240
Speaker 1: of my head. Then I did the Daily J which

216
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,200
Speaker 1: related to my work issues, opened my eyes at the

217
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,800
Speaker 1: end of the session and felt renewed again. Previously today

218
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,319
Speaker 1: would have destroyed my whole weekend. Meditate with me by

219
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,840
Speaker 1: going to Calm dot com forward slash Jay to get

220
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:25,280
Speaker 1: forty percent off a Calm Premium membership. That's only forty

221
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,480
Speaker 1: two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations

222
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:33,200
Speaker 1: experienced the Daily J only on Calm. I want you

223
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,319
Speaker 1: to really think about what is the lesson that your

224
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:41,000
Speaker 1: last relationship has been trying to teach you, and not

225
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,280
Speaker 1: just your last relationship, the one before that, and the

226
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:48,680
Speaker 1: one before that and the one before that. Because the

227
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:52,360
Speaker 1: challenge that I have seen is that most of us

228
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:56,440
Speaker 1: will just move on right most of us will just

229
00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,880
Speaker 1: move on to the next relationship. We don't learn the lessons,

230
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,920
Speaker 1: we don't learn the journey, and we end up in

231
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:08,240
Speaker 1: pretty much the same situation each and every time. And

232
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,439
Speaker 1: even if we don't end up in the same situation,

233
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,680
Speaker 1: we have limited our ability to learn how to love.

234
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,840
Speaker 1: If relationships are designed to teach us how to love,

235
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:21,440
Speaker 1: we have to learn that from every relationship. So you

236
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,520
Speaker 1: know you're ready to date again when first of all

237
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:30,120
Speaker 1: you've learned from your last relationship or relationships and you're

238
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:34,120
Speaker 1: able to talk about it. There's a brilliant graph in

239
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:38,240
Speaker 1: the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships from nineteen ninety

240
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:43,800
Speaker 1: eight reproduced from Battaglia. Breaking up is easy to do

241
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,720
Speaker 1: a script for dissolution of close relationships. So it says

242
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,000
Speaker 1: that the reason and how it works is it goes

243
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,000
Speaker 1: lack of interest, then you notice other people. Then you

244
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,880
Speaker 1: act distance. Then you try to work things out. Then

245
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,840
Speaker 1: there might be a physical distance or avoidance. Go back

246
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,480
Speaker 1: to lack of interest. You can se breaking up, you

247
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,840
Speaker 1: communicate your feelings. Finally you try to work things out,

248
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,560
Speaker 1: but then you notice other people, you act distant, you

249
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,960
Speaker 1: maybe even date other people, get back together. Consider breakup,

250
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,040
Speaker 1: move on, recover, and then break up again. Now, what

251
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,840
Speaker 1: that shows is a complex set of emotions. We go

252
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:25,040
Speaker 1: through so many different emotions in a relationship, and the

253
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:28,800
Speaker 1: challenge with all of those is that we're not able

254
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:33,640
Speaker 1: to do one thing, and that is we are moving

255
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:38,560
Speaker 1: so fast that we don't get to process those emotions effectively.

256
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,680
Speaker 1: You know you're ready to date again when you're ready

257
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:45,760
Speaker 1: to go slow and you're ready to take every step

258
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,080
Speaker 1: for what it truly is. When you first started walking,

259
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:53,360
Speaker 1: you started walking and you took a step. Actually, before

260
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,600
Speaker 1: you started walking, you were rolling. You're pulling yourself. You've

261
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:01,280
Speaker 1: seen kids that literally drag themselves across the room. You

262
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,920
Speaker 1: were then crawling. You're doing eats things step by step.

263
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:09,800
Speaker 1: You didn't try to go from rolling and dragging to walking.

264
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:17,120
Speaker 1: Don't try and leap from just rolling around in relationships

265
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,720
Speaker 1: and dragging yourself through a relationship to finding love the

266
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:24,320
Speaker 1: next day. So often we are just trying so hard

267
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:28,200
Speaker 1: to find that perfect love, which is like running. Forget walking.

268
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,720
Speaker 1: We're trying to run before we can crawl. And we

269
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,520
Speaker 1: have to really allow ourselves to say, well wait a minute,

270
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,880
Speaker 1: let me slow down. You know you're ready to date

271
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:42,200
Speaker 1: again when you're okay with slowing down, When you're okay,

272
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:48,040
Speaker 1: we're taking a slower approach. Slower doesn't just mean pace,

273
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:53,080
Speaker 1: it means widening your perspective. When you change the speed

274
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:58,080
Speaker 1: of your relationship, you're moving at the speed you can

275
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:03,240
Speaker 1: see everything from a certain height. A plane moves very fast,

276
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:07,320
Speaker 1: but it stays thirty thousand feet in the air while

277
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,160
Speaker 1: it moves that fast. So we have to go, Okay,

278
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,600
Speaker 1: I want to move fast, but I want to be

279
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:16,000
Speaker 1: able to maintain this vision. I want to be able

280
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:21,159
Speaker 1: to maintain this view. I don't want to cannibalize that

281
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,000
Speaker 1: right like I don't want to lose that in this journey,

282
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:29,119
Speaker 1: So accept that speed. The next one is making sure

283
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:35,280
Speaker 1: that you know what to avoid, what to be aware of,

284
00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:40,399
Speaker 1: and what to articulate upfront. These go beyond the lesson

285
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,159
Speaker 1: you learned, which may have been a bigger lesson, But

286
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:47,320
Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself, have I created an understanding

287
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,159
Speaker 1: of what I need to avoid, what I need to

288
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:54,119
Speaker 1: be aware of, and what I need to articulate. Genuinely

289
00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:56,240
Speaker 1: think about it as a job interview. You may say

290
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,879
Speaker 1: I need to avoid companies that are looking for this

291
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,040
Speaker 1: skill because that's not a skill that I have or

292
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,640
Speaker 1: want to display. You need to be aware that, Hey,

293
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:07,600
Speaker 1: if the work environment on day one doesn't seem inviting,

294
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,600
Speaker 1: I've got to be careful about that. I'm being aware

295
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,800
Speaker 1: of it. That doesn't mean it's a deal breaker, but

296
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,040
Speaker 1: I'm going to remain aware of it. And then finally,

297
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,840
Speaker 1: we also want to articulate something. We may say, well,

298
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:22,399
Speaker 1: this is really important. I realized that I haven't always

299
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,320
Speaker 1: said this in past relationships. I haven't always shared this

300
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,240
Speaker 1: in past relationships, and in this relationship, I'm going to

301
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,680
Speaker 1: make it really clear. I was speaking to a friend

302
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,760
Speaker 1: recently and they were saying, Jay, I'm so glad that

303
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,280
Speaker 1: we've been listening to the podcast, and I'm so happy

304
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,080
Speaker 1: that you always tell people to articulate what they need

305
00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:39,680
Speaker 1: and what they feel. They said that they just met

306
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,840
Speaker 1: someone new and they said exactly what they needed, and

307
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,760
Speaker 1: that even though it was uncomfortable for the other person,

308
00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:48,840
Speaker 1: they were willing to add it to their awareness. And

309
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,600
Speaker 1: I think we have this challenge where we go, Okay,

310
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,200
Speaker 1: we're going to get to a point in this relationship

311
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,600
Speaker 1: where we no longer need to avoid stuff, no longer

312
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,639
Speaker 1: need to be aware of anything. And we no longer

313
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,600
Speaker 1: need to articulate anything. We're all trying to get to

314
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:04,760
Speaker 1: a place where things don't have to change. Wouldn't it

315
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,359
Speaker 1: be amazing if you watered the tree so perfectly that

316
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,400
Speaker 1: one day you could stop watering it and it would

317
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,639
Speaker 1: just stay the same. Wouldn't it be amazing if you

318
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,960
Speaker 1: were doing a work of art and after a few brushstrokes,

319
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,600
Speaker 1: it just stayed that way and just became more amazing.

320
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,560
Speaker 1: Wouldn't it be incredible if everything in your life you

321
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,359
Speaker 1: didn't have to tend to it every day, You just

322
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,160
Speaker 1: worked out, you got the six pack, stopped working out,

323
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:30,280
Speaker 1: and then it just stayed. Everything is either growing or dying.

324
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:35,200
Speaker 1: Is your relationship growing? Your relationship is growing as much

325
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,640
Speaker 1: as you're investing in it. How to know if you're

326
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:41,639
Speaker 1: ready to date again? You're ready to invest again daily?

327
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:46,439
Speaker 1: You have the energy to invest again daily, You have

328
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:51,439
Speaker 1: the ability to invest again daily. Are you ready to

329
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,840
Speaker 1: put in the work to date? And you may say

330
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,840
Speaker 1: I'm not, and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with that,

331
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,399
Speaker 1: but you have to know. You have to be aware

332
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,439
Speaker 1: of what energy levels you have and what ability levels

333
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:10,840
Speaker 1: you have. The next principle is that you know this

334
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:14,560
Speaker 1: time around, you have to set boundaries and you have

335
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,520
Speaker 1: to make the other person understand why that boundary exists.

336
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,280
Speaker 1: Now you don't have to tell them your life story,

337
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,320
Speaker 1: but you can say I have a boundary around physical

338
00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:26,000
Speaker 1: touch and I will share that with you and I

339
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,680
Speaker 1: feel comfortable. But I want you to know that right

340
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,200
Speaker 1: when you share something like that, Sure it could frighten someone,

341
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,360
Speaker 1: Sure it could scare someone away, But if you, being honest,

342
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:38,720
Speaker 1: scare someone away, then there was never anything there in

343
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,600
Speaker 1: the first place. There was never the potential of something

344
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,439
Speaker 1: there in the first place. You don't need to regret that.

345
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,639
Speaker 1: I think we always worry that, Oh no, I scared

346
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,960
Speaker 1: them away. Oh no, they ran away. And it's like, well,

347
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:53,520
Speaker 1: if they ran away because of your honesty, then that

348
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,960
Speaker 1: means they would have only stayed for your lies. Think

349
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,120
Speaker 1: about that for a second. If you're saying they ran

350
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,760
Speaker 1: away because I was honest with them, does that mean

351
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 1: if you lied, they would have stayed. Do you want

352
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,560
Speaker 1: someone to stay for your lies or do you want

353
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,639
Speaker 1: someone to stay for your truth? And if your truth

354
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:15,679
Speaker 1: is too unbearable or intolerable, then is that the truth

355
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,320
Speaker 1: is that that person who doesn't want to stay for that.

356
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,240
Speaker 1: Is that your truth? I'm sure the answer is no.

357
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,640
Speaker 1: So honesty may scare away someone, but actually I think

358
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:30,040
Speaker 1: it scares away the right people. Right when I say

359
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,840
Speaker 1: the right people, I mean it scares away the people

360
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,760
Speaker 1: that are rightfully should not be near you if you're

361
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:38,240
Speaker 1: being honest and truthful and articulating it effectively and saying

362
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:41,199
Speaker 1: what you're working on and someone can't accept that or

363
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,359
Speaker 1: understand that. And the other thing you also have to understand.

364
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,600
Speaker 1: I'll give an example, is how we shortcut. We have

365
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,640
Speaker 1: to avoid shortcuts if we're ready to date again. I'll

366
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,760
Speaker 1: give an example. You say to someone, hey, you know

367
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,520
Speaker 1: what I've been giving to therapy for the last three

368
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,719
Speaker 1: months because I've been working through something. And they say, oh,

369
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,080
Speaker 1: I understand that. I go to therapy. And you may say, oh,

370
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:02,000
Speaker 1: it's amazing they go to therapy. Okay, we're all good.

371
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,160
Speaker 1: Well no, I actually asked them, well, thank you so much.

372
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,480
Speaker 1: You might say, so, so let's do a bit of

373
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,560
Speaker 1: role play in this direction. Right, So you said the

374
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,560
Speaker 1: person here, we go to therapy for the last three months,

375
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,080
Speaker 1: I'm working through this thing, and they got yeah, yeah,

376
00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:17,200
Speaker 1: I know all about therapy. I love therapy. It's amazing.

377
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,320
Speaker 1: My sister went to therapy, and may you could go, oh,

378
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:22,359
Speaker 1: that's great, this person goes to therapy, we'll have a

379
00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:25,399
Speaker 1: great relationship. No, no, no, oh, thank you so much

380
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,160
Speaker 1: for understanding about therapy. Can you tell me a bit

381
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,639
Speaker 1: more about your journey or can you explain to me,

382
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,520
Speaker 1: like what made you go or what your feelings about

383
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,320
Speaker 1: it are. Now you get to really see whether that

384
00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:40,520
Speaker 1: person's just glossing over it. Now, remember you're not testing them,

385
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,400
Speaker 1: you're not investigating them, you're not trying to interrogate them.

386
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,639
Speaker 1: You're just trying to be curious and understand whether that

387
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,439
Speaker 1: person really knows what they mean. Now, they may come

388
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,399
Speaker 1: back and say, you know what, actually my sister went

389
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,439
Speaker 1: through therapy and it was really tougher. And obviously they

390
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,520
Speaker 1: may not go into the specifics, but you say, look,

391
00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:00,320
Speaker 1: I care about you know, I really understand and how

392
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,280
Speaker 1: it can help people, and I'm really happy you're doing it.

393
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:05,879
Speaker 1: Or they're going to give you some contrived answer in

394
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,200
Speaker 1: your head you go, oh, right, they were just attracted

395
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:11,119
Speaker 1: to me, or they're just they're just telling me that

396
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:15,680
Speaker 1: it's all great. Right, So in that scenario, I want

397
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:20,800
Speaker 1: you to recognize that just saying the same words doesn't

398
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:25,639
Speaker 1: mean you have the same realization, or having the same

399
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,200
Speaker 1: interests doesn't mean you like them for the same reason. Now,

400
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,720
Speaker 1: I know I'm really reading into stuff, but that's kind

401
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,560
Speaker 1: of what it takes. Like. Two people could like the

402
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,600
Speaker 1: same movie, but they like it for two different reasons,

403
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,440
Speaker 1: and it's the reason that's more important than the movie

404
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,479
Speaker 1: that they like. The reason you like a movie shares

405
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,840
Speaker 1: more about you than the movie that you like. And

406
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,080
Speaker 1: I know I'm reading into it with movies, but the

407
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,840
Speaker 1: same applies to TV shows, and the same applies to people.

408
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 1: The same applies to people. And I'm not saying you

409
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:54,800
Speaker 1: have to have the same reason. You have to like

410
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,919
Speaker 1: their reason, you have to respect their reason. You have

411
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:03,119
Speaker 1: to understand a reason. And the last way to know

412
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,720
Speaker 1: if you're ready to date again is try it out.

413
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,679
Speaker 1: Stop overthinking, stop procrastinating, stop wasting so much energy to

414
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:13,760
Speaker 1: check if you're ready. I think that's one of the

415
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,040
Speaker 1: biggest issues, is even the question how do you know

416
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,439
Speaker 1: if you're ready? You'll never know until you try. That

417
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,000
Speaker 1: answer applies to everything. How do you know if you're

418
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,400
Speaker 1: ready to be a stand up comedian? Try it? How

419
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:26,040
Speaker 1: do you know if you're ready to write a book?

420
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: Try a page right, Try the simplest version of it.

421
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,200
Speaker 1: How do you know if you're ready to be a manager?

422
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:38,879
Speaker 1: Manage one person? Try it out. Sure you'll fail, Sure

423
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:42,359
Speaker 1: you'll get rejected. Sure there will be difficulty, But that

424
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:47,800
Speaker 1: is the only way to really truly give it a go.

425
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,600
Speaker 1: Go on a date. Try and put yourself in a

426
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:54,200
Speaker 1: position where it's the simplest, easiest way. Meet a friend

427
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,240
Speaker 1: of a friend, take some friends with you. Connect in

428
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 1: a place that makes you feel comfortable. Right, make it

429
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,960
Speaker 1: as comfortable and as casual as you need to make

430
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,800
Speaker 1: it easy. And when you make it as simple, as easy,

431
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,120
Speaker 1: as accessible for yourself, you get to see for yourself

432
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,440
Speaker 1: and you won't have to play this game in your head.

433
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,119
Speaker 1: If am I ready? Am I ready yet? Am I

434
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:15,840
Speaker 1: ready yet? Am I ready? Now? Do I know? If

435
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,320
Speaker 1: I'm ready? Now? Am I ready? Right? Like? Try it out,

436
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,399
Speaker 1: break out of it, give it a go, and be

437
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:26,120
Speaker 1: gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself, and be aligned

438
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 1: with yourself. Thank you so much for listening this week.

439
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to you, and I will see you

440
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,800
Speaker 1: again next week. Thank you for listening to on purpose

441
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,680
Speaker 1: and I cannot wait for you to share this impositor