Speaker 1: I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: How many of us, as mothers, loving from a broken place,
Speaker 1: raising our children from a broken place, see what our
Speaker 1: children do as hurtful to us, not as an opportunity
Speaker 1: for healing. When your daughter says or does something that
Speaker 1: hurts you, or that scares you, or that reminds you
Speaker 1: of your brokenness, rather than seeing that as an opportunity
Speaker 1: for healing, we go into making them wrong and trying
Speaker 1: to fix the situation, or into denial. The thing that
Speaker 1: so many mothers don't understand is that your children know
Speaker 1: you from the inside out. They may not know what
Speaker 1: they're looking at, they may not have the words for it.
Speaker 1: But Mama, that baby know you because she lived in
Speaker 1: your body. He lived in your body. This is mothers
Speaker 1: and their children. How many mothers live and parent from
Speaker 1: their brokenness, from their brokenness, from their wounds, trying not
Speaker 1: to do to their children, what was done to them,
Speaker 1: trying to give their children more than they didn't have,
Speaker 1: trying to do things for their children that weren't done
Speaker 1: for them. Loving from your brokenness means you miss the
Speaker 1: opportunity to love from the place you are right now.
Speaker 1: You love him from the past, your love, and from
Speaker 1: what didn't even go on. You're loving from what isn't
Speaker 1: going on anymore. You're loving from a brokenness, a woundedness
Speaker 1: that may have absolutely nothing to do with what your
Speaker 1: child needs, what your child wants, what's good for your child.
Speaker 1: You're loving from your lack, your wound, your brokenness, and
Speaker 1: that's not what our children need. And what ends up
Speaker 1: happening is we are not the parent that they need
Speaker 1: us to be. Take a listen. Greetings beloved, and welcome
Speaker 1: to the R Spot. Today we are talking about the sacred,
Speaker 1: complicated relationship between mothers and daughters. So are you a
Speaker 1: mother or a daughter? And what do you bring into
Speaker 1: the table?
Speaker 2: I am a mother, Okay, I'm hoping to get some
Speaker 2: issues result or some help to navigate the conflict that
Speaker 2: me and my daughter is having. It appears that we're
Speaker 2: going to peer it is that she's very angry with me,
Speaker 2: and she says that she's not, but everything that she does,
Speaker 2: you know, her actions show that yes you are. But
Speaker 2: I don't know why.
Speaker 1: How old is your daughter?
Speaker 2: He's thirty?
Speaker 1: And tell me what is your relationship like? What does
Speaker 1: it look like? How do you all interact?
Speaker 2: What's happening right now? It's we live in the same
Speaker 2: house and we don't speak to each other, and we
Speaker 2: don't speak to each other because she.
Speaker 1: Says, wait a minute, hold up, hold up, hold up,
Speaker 1: let me take a breath. You'all love to tell these
Speaker 1: shocking stories and keep on running. You and her live
Speaker 1: in the same house together, Yes, her house or your house?
Speaker 2: My house?
Speaker 1: So your thirty year old daughter lives in a house
Speaker 1: with you and doesn't speak to you.
Speaker 2: Correct?
Speaker 1: Do you speak to her?
Speaker 2: Not anymore?
Speaker 1: Oh? Okay? So how long has this been going on?
Speaker 1: How long this has.
Speaker 2: Been going on? Maybe maybe two weeks?
Speaker 1: And how did you get there? How did you get
Speaker 1: to the place where a person living in your house
Speaker 1: is not speaking to you?
Speaker 2: Okay, let's unpack this, yes please, Okay, So it went
Speaker 2: out my ex Okay, this is big, right.
Speaker 1: Okay, my ex husband her father. No, okay, So your
Speaker 1: ex husband violated her. What does that mean? He raped her,
Speaker 1: he fondled.
Speaker 2: Her, he raped her. Okay, she was maybe sixteen or seventeen.
Speaker 1: Okay, take a breath. What's going on in your brain?
Speaker 1: I can hear your brain clicking.
Speaker 2: Okay, just unpacking it because I didn't find out about
Speaker 2: it until later later in her she was in her twenties.
Speaker 2: Maybe when I found out about it. How'd you find
Speaker 2: out she exposed it to me? She let me know.
Speaker 1: She didn't tell you when it happened.
Speaker 2: No, why, I'm not sure why. I don't know whether
Speaker 2: she felt like I wouldn't believe her, or she was afraid,
Speaker 2: or I don't know. I don't know why.
Speaker 1: So in her twenties, how did she tell you that?
Speaker 1: She blurted out? Were y'all arguing? Did y'all go have tea?
Speaker 1: What happened?
Speaker 2: She was going through some counseling, and I think it
Speaker 2: was advised to her that she should talk to me
Speaker 2: about it, And she just told me she was going
Speaker 2: through some other things, and I think she was just
Speaker 2: trying to clear her her chick list or something, and
Speaker 2: she that was one of the things on it to
Speaker 2: have a conversation with me. So we had that conversation.
Speaker 1: And what did you say when she told you?
Speaker 2: I apologize that it happened to her. I embraced her,
Speaker 2: I told her how sorry I was that that took place.
Speaker 1: Were you still with him when she told you we.
Speaker 2: Were still together? When she told me? Yes?
Speaker 1: And what did you say to him?
Speaker 2: I don't know if I can repeat that?
Speaker 1: Oh, okay on the network. Okay, thank you? Uh huh,
Speaker 1: My ears are not worthy of such wonderfulness.
Speaker 2: Right right, right right?
Speaker 1: It was?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a come to Jesus meeting?
Speaker 1: Okay, So how did that? What does that have to do?
Speaker 1: Would while y'all stop speaking two weeks ago?
Speaker 2: Okay? I think it all. I think it all is
Speaker 2: together in that, And I think she felt like I
Speaker 2: should have known or done something at the time. I
Speaker 2: think she feels like I was more you know, I
Speaker 2: have always been a you know, I get it done,
Speaker 2: I work, you know, my clothes. I you know, I'm
Speaker 2: more of a father figure, should I say, than a mother.
Speaker 2: I'm not the lovey w okay, yeah, your father? Right? Yeah,
Speaker 2: so I'm not that nurturing kind. I'm trying to be
Speaker 2: more like that, you know now. But I've missed that
Speaker 2: that window. So I have never been like a nurturing mother.
Speaker 2: I'm just like, Okay, you gotta do this. I check boxes, Okay,
Speaker 2: we got to get this done. I gotta get that done.
Speaker 2: But the nursing box, I wasn't checking.
Speaker 1: What happened two weeks ago.
Speaker 2: Okay, And it's amlation of a lot of things. Now.
Speaker 2: She suffers from anxiety and depression and she lost her jobs. Well,
Speaker 2: she didn't lose her job, she her car got stolen
Speaker 2: from her, and she's been having some financial difficulties and
Speaker 2: she's just had a lot of life situations start happening.
Speaker 2: And my and my gut feeling is saying that, Okay,
Speaker 2: she has seen how I handle things throughout life and
Speaker 2: just kept going. And she she often says, I'm not you. Now.
Speaker 2: I've never expected her to be me, but I hear
Speaker 2: her saying that, and so I take from that that
Speaker 2: maybe somehow she's trying to do things the way that
Speaker 2: I was able to do things being a single mom
Speaker 2: with three kids and still making stuff happen. I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't, I really don't know, and I'm probably getting
Speaker 2: off from the question. But she's had a lot of
Speaker 2: life situations happen to her that have been hard things,
Speaker 2: and then I will try and jump in and help.
Speaker 2: But then it's like, you don't want my help, but
Speaker 2: then you do want my help.
Speaker 1: Oh, help me.
Speaker 2: Make sense out of it? Yeah, I can't.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't have to make sense out of it.
Speaker 1: When I started the show today, I said that help me, lord,
Speaker 1: because I know my guests are going to bring my
Speaker 1: issues to the table, because you just stole my story.
Speaker 1: I had three children. I was a great, great father
Speaker 1: and a horrible mother. Horrible. I had to have my kids.
Speaker 1: They had to be in line, they had to do
Speaker 1: a certain thing in a certain way, because you know,
Speaker 1: I had to pay the bills. I had to take
Speaker 1: care of everything. So I was a horrible mother, horrible.
Speaker 1: I was a great father, and I broke my children.
Speaker 1: I did in addition to being dysfunctional and crazy as hell,
Speaker 1: probably depressed, maybe psychotic, narcissists. I don't even know. I
Speaker 1: can't I don't even remember who I was. But I
Speaker 1: taught my children that they couldn't trust me emotionally. I
Speaker 1: taught my children that I didn't have time for your problems.
Speaker 1: I got to get to work, I got to pay
Speaker 1: the bills. I taught my children that their voice didn't matter.
Speaker 1: What mattered was what I needed them to do so
Speaker 1: that I could do what I needed to do. I mean,
Speaker 1: of course I didn't sit down and make a to
Speaker 1: do list. I'm going to destroy my children and damage
Speaker 1: their self worth. And then when I woke up until
Speaker 1: like oooh, this is really not how you need to
Speaker 1: be for yourself. And in the process of you not
Speaker 1: being who you need to be for yourself, you have
Speaker 1: destroyed your children. And I've always said everything my children
Speaker 1: needed I learned way after they needed it. The one
Speaker 1: thing they needed was my heart. I gave them my head,
Speaker 1: I gave them home, I gave them food and clothes,
Speaker 1: and they needed my heart.
Speaker 2: Navigate that that's correct, that is oh so yeah.
Speaker 1: She is angry with you. Absolutely is angry. And even
Speaker 1: though you didn't know what had happened. As a mom,
Speaker 1: your job, your responsibility is to protect your children. You
Speaker 1: brought the predator right into.
Speaker 2: The house, right exactly.
Speaker 1: And probably the reason she didn't tell you was because
Speaker 1: a part of her didn't want to destroy what she
Speaker 1: thought made you happy.
Speaker 2: That's absolutely correct. And she has always been the one
Speaker 2: you know, she's my child, So I will hurt me
Speaker 2: before I hurt you. I'll take something on me.
Speaker 1: That's not a good thing. It's not We'll talk about
Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left off. You say you
Speaker 1: don't want her to be like you, but I can
Speaker 1: tell you from experience when you have a high achieving mother,
Speaker 1: When you have a high achieving mother with a closed heart,
Speaker 1: nothing the kids do is ever good enough, even if
Speaker 1: you don't say it. That's that's how they end up being.
Speaker 1: Did you stay with him after she told you? Yes,
Speaker 1: betrayal betrayed her, So she's she's not mad at you,
Speaker 1: she's not angry with you. She is in high piosity,
Speaker 1: high perosity. You better sleep when one eye open.
Speaker 2: Yes, with my door locked, do you hear me?
Speaker 1: Do you hear me? Yeah? I do, And that's a
Speaker 1: that's a good step. Are you still with him?
Speaker 2: No? Okay, I had to plan. I had to do
Speaker 2: an plan. I had to do an exit plan. And
Speaker 2: I couldn't sit down and tell her I have an
Speaker 2: exit plan. But you know, once that happened, I started
Speaker 2: trying to figure out, Okay, what am I going to do?
Speaker 2: And how am I gonna do this? And that's what
Speaker 2: I did.
Speaker 1: So she's come home to be remothered. Does she have children, yes?
Speaker 1: Are they in the house also?
Speaker 2: Yes? Oh lord, yes, two daughters, yes.
Speaker 1: And I bet you have a good relationship with them,
Speaker 1: don't you.
Speaker 2: I love them, yes, and they love me. They're me me,
Speaker 2: and and it gets to the point where, you know,
Speaker 2: it's like I love the way she mothers them, you know.
Speaker 2: And I often tell my daughters, I love to see
Speaker 2: how you guys interact with your children, because I never
Speaker 2: was that way with them, So it makes me proud
Speaker 2: to see that. But it's now at a point where
Speaker 2: she even tries to keep them away from me, even
Speaker 2: though we're in the same house.
Speaker 1: Well, because she's jealous, not the grown thirty year old woman,
Speaker 1: but the little girl. And her is jealous. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: you give her those little girls what you didn't give her.
Speaker 1: This is a hot mess, you know. Yes, So now
Speaker 1: let me ask you this. Does she pay rent in
Speaker 1: your house?
Speaker 2: No, ma'am?
Speaker 1: Okay, Well then she's a If she's in your house
Speaker 1: using your lights and your toilet water and your toilet paper,
Speaker 1: she don't get to not speak to you, mother, she
Speaker 1: don't get to do that to her mother. Now, if
Speaker 1: she wants to pay rent and be your tenant, then
Speaker 1: she can do whatever she wants to do. So you're
Speaker 1: all gonna have to make some decisions here. You want
Speaker 1: to be a tenant and live here, here's the rules,
Speaker 1: here's your rent, this is when it's due. You do
Speaker 1: what you want to do. But if you who pass
Speaker 1: through my body are going to live in my house,
Speaker 1: we have to work together. We can't do this and
Speaker 1: this is not how I want my grandchildren to see
Speaker 1: two women interacting. Yeah, we're not setting a good example
Speaker 1: for them. You don't get to be in my house,
Speaker 1: under my roof, using my toy toilet paper, in my electricity,
Speaker 1: and don't speak to me. I'm the mama, Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: I'm the mama. Like me, don't like me, mad at me.
Speaker 1: We can work that out, but that you won't do. Now.
Speaker 1: You want to be a tenant. Your rent is this amount,
Speaker 1: and this is when it's due. Because you're still the mama,
Speaker 1: even though you was horrible at your job.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: I wonder what would happen. I wonder what would happen
Speaker 1: if children could fire their mothers right, your guilt, Your
Speaker 1: guilt and your shame will allow you to let her
Speaker 1: treat you anyway? No, no, no, no. Would you have
Speaker 1: a girlfriend, would you have a friend of yours, another
Speaker 1: sister woman living in your house not speaking to you?
Speaker 2: Absolutely not?
Speaker 1: So then why are you allowing her to do that.
Speaker 2: Because of the guilt and the shame and not wanting
Speaker 2: her to retaliate and probably take the kids someplace else where.
Speaker 2: I right now I know where they are, but then
Speaker 2: outside of my sight, I don't know what might happen.
Speaker 1: See, you can't rescue her and persecute her. At the
Speaker 1: same time, you can't rescue her if you don't trust her.
Speaker 1: How old are your granddaughters.
Speaker 2: At eight and two?
Speaker 1: Well, Mama, you got to be willing to give them
Speaker 1: out to maintain your dignity. You got to be in
Speaker 1: the throne. You got to put the queen in the throne.
Speaker 1: Mama can't run the house. The queen runs the house.
Speaker 1: Mama can have conversations with her daughter. You can't have
Speaker 1: it both ways. And if she's a good mom, she
Speaker 1: won't take your grandchildren away. Not if she's a good mom.
Speaker 1: Now she's a good mom, then that's a whole another situation. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm glad you tell her that too. And can I
Speaker 1: say this, because it's right up in your house, right
Speaker 1: up in your face, and clearly you don't have the
Speaker 1: skills to deal with it. Find out if you and
Speaker 1: her can go to counsel. Do you think she would
Speaker 1: be willing to do that?
Speaker 2: That is a confirmation, because that's something that I've been
Speaker 2: kind of wanting to introduce to her because she goes
Speaker 2: and I was like, you know, even when I saw
Speaker 2: or I felt like, Okay, you're saying that you like me,
Speaker 2: love me, this, any other, but those are not the
Speaker 2: actions that you're exhibiting.
Speaker 1: Okay, wait a minute, Hold hold up, hold up, Hold up, daddy,
Speaker 1: Hold up, daddy, because right there, you're making her wrong.
Speaker 1: You're making her wrong, even if you know in your
Speaker 1: soul she's really pissed and she really has a right
Speaker 1: to be pissed. You didn't protect her. You brought the
Speaker 1: predator in the house. And hear me, I'm not judging
Speaker 1: you or making you wrong for this. I'm sitting on
Speaker 1: I've got on her shoes right now. I'm just putting
Speaker 1: her shoes on and telling you what she's walking in Okay.
Speaker 1: Can you hear me, Mom? I don't want you to
Speaker 1: hear me making you wrong. I'm just walking in her shoes.
Speaker 1: You brought that beast into this house. Yes, your job
Speaker 1: was to protect me and take care of me. You
Speaker 1: let him do this to me, and yes, stayed with him.
Speaker 1: That's in her shoes. Now, you and I know maybe
Speaker 1: something else was going on. You had no awareness. But
Speaker 1: here's the peace, Mom. She didn't trust you enough to
Speaker 1: tell you take a breath. You're not breathing, Come on, breathe. Yes,
Speaker 1: So there's that, and then there's a part where loving you,
Speaker 1: wanting you to be happy. She didn't want to destroy
Speaker 1: what she thought made you have. That's another reason she
Speaker 1: didn't tell you. So she's got that conflict going on
Speaker 1: inside of herself. Here's what I can tell you, Mama.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have to own all of that, and not
Speaker 1: from a place of I know I didn't do this,
Speaker 1: and I know I didn't do that, but I did
Speaker 1: this and I had to do No. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no. That's not how you're gonna own it. I
Speaker 1: failed you. I failed you. Breaks my heart to know
Speaker 1: it to say it, But I failed you, and I
Speaker 1: hope one day you can forgive me and then you've
Speaker 1: just got to let her let it out. But she
Speaker 1: gonna tell you how you failed her. But that's not
Speaker 1: something y'all can do at the kitchen table over cheese
Speaker 1: and crackers. You need third party intervention. You need a
Speaker 1: neutral third party. But this is to the bone stuff
Speaker 1: right here. And you're gonna hear things about yourself that
Speaker 1: you it's gonna be hard for you to hear and believe.
Speaker 1: And I'm not whitewashing her because she's not dealing with
Speaker 1: you as a thirty year old woman. She's dealing with
Speaker 1: you as a broken little girl. That's what kids do.
Speaker 1: I'm not your friend. I'm not gonna speak to you.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, hold up, boo, you in my house.
Speaker 1: And at the same time, you can't say, oh, you
Speaker 1: will speak to me. No, you can't say that. The
Speaker 1: thing is because she never got your heart. She doesn't
Speaker 1: feel safe with you. But she thinks you're gonna correct her.
Speaker 2: Right, And that's something that I hear her say as well,
Speaker 2: because you know her truth is that I'm very judgmental, okay.
Speaker 1: And you are judgment Oh yes you are, Yes, you are, Yes,
Speaker 1: you are ask me how I know? Ask me how
Speaker 1: I know? I had asked, how do you know? None
Speaker 1: of your business? None of your business. And what happens
Speaker 1: is she probably feels you as distant, cold, mean, Dutch
Speaker 1: metal and I'll just speak from a place of knowing
Speaker 1: of myself. Okay, this is just between you and me.
Speaker 1: Because I had so much to do, I didn't have
Speaker 1: time for little childhood imperfections. I just I didn't have
Speaker 1: time for that. And then, you know, a born perfectionist,
Speaker 1: I wanted them to be perfect, so I was extremely critical.
Speaker 1: I never forget when my son, who you know, in
Speaker 1: my eyes was the only son in the world. Everybody
Speaker 1: else had boys. I had a son and he was
Speaker 1: gonna do right and be right because I had him
Speaker 1: at sixteen and he was not gonna shame me in
Speaker 1: the world. Now, that's how I handled that. And when
Speaker 1: he grew up and did everything that I told him
Speaker 1: not to do, everything I taught him not to do,
Speaker 1: he did and ended up in God's Vacation Retreat Center
Speaker 1: aka prison.
Speaker 2: You got one of them too, No, I don't have one.
Speaker 1: You Okay, Well I did. I ain't shamed, and I'll
Speaker 1: never forget the day he said to me. He said,
Speaker 1: you are the reason I am the way I am.
Speaker 1: You it's your fault. And he said to me, you
Speaker 1: your fears for me were not the fears that I
Speaker 1: have for myself. You gave me enough rope to hang
Speaker 1: my myself and then you beat me up about it.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: You never told me what I could do. You always
Speaker 1: told me what not to do. And I grew up
Speaker 1: thinking and believing I couldn't trust myself because you didn't
Speaker 1: trust me. Okay, that's what my son told me from
Speaker 1: the prison phone on a collect call that I was
Speaker 1: paying for. And you know what I said, because instead
Speaker 1: of defending myself and instead of making him wrong again,
Speaker 1: I said to him, I hear you. Tell me how
Speaker 1: I can do it better now. We'll talk more about
Speaker 1: it when they come back. Welcome back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. Tell me how I
Speaker 1: can do it better now. And what he said saved
Speaker 1: our relationship. He said, stop being my mother and be
Speaker 1: my friend. And that's what I did. I stopped correcting him,
Speaker 1: I stop criticizing him, I stop asking him his business.
Speaker 1: And if he didn't come to me, I didn't go
Speaker 1: to him. And sometimes even today at fifty four, my
Speaker 1: son will go to other people before he comes to
Speaker 1: me because that little boy in there still doesn't believe
Speaker 1: that he has my heart. Wow, she's in your house
Speaker 1: because she wants you to rescue her. But she treats
Speaker 1: you like her persecutor. It's a vicious thing, so she
Speaker 1: can manipulate you out of fear, your fear that she's
Speaker 1: gonna take your grandbabies. Yeah, and it hurts your feelings, right,
Speaker 1: it does. It does that you're providing for her and
Speaker 1: doing everything that you can to the best of your ability,
Speaker 1: whether she likes it or not, hurts your feelings. See,
Speaker 1: if you let her know that, then she'll know. Oh,
Speaker 1: she does have a heart. She's not just a cold
Speaker 1: cow eating grass in the fields. So can I ask
Speaker 1: you a question? What happened to your heart? Baby? What
Speaker 1: happened to your heart? Mama? So here we go. You
Speaker 1: go to therapy on Tuesday, and you and her go
Speaker 1: together on Friday because you're healing. Really, your deep level
Speaker 1: of healing will happen when you can share your story
Speaker 1: as a woman, woman to woman. She don't know your story,
Speaker 1: but something happened to harden your heart and We don't
Speaker 1: have to go into that now. But that's where you're healing,
Speaker 1: is I ask me how I know?
Speaker 2: I dare not. You learn quick. I won't know.
Speaker 1: And if for whatever reason, you can't get her to
Speaker 1: go to counseling, you go because you still need to
Speaker 1: soften your heart. You need to heal your heart. Here's
Speaker 1: a little secret. Don't tell anybody I told you this. Okay,
Speaker 1: you promise, promise not to tell nobody.
Speaker 2: I won't tell anyone.
Speaker 1: Okay, don't tell anybody I told you. Mama. She lived
Speaker 1: in your body. The first thing she heard was your
Speaker 1: heart beat and your voice. She knows you from the
Speaker 1: inside out. She may not know how to put it
Speaker 1: in words, she may not underst stand what it all means,
Speaker 1: but she knows you from the inside out. So some
Speaker 1: of the things that you deny about yourself, she knows
Speaker 1: they're truth because she lived in your body. Take her breath,
Speaker 1: you really stop breathing, Come on, breathe.
Speaker 2: I just I took that in, you know, I took
Speaker 2: deep rest and I was just receiving all of that
Speaker 2: because that's so true. And it's like she knows me,
Speaker 2: you know, she watches me. She observes me. She's very observant,
Speaker 2: and that's why I think that she knows how to
Speaker 2: maneuver and do certain things because she knows how I'm
Speaker 2: going to react to it.
Speaker 1: She manipulates you from your fear, but she also manipulates
Speaker 1: you from her intuitive knowledge. She lived in your body.
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Yes, So some of the things she says about you
Speaker 1: that you can't hear your judgmental, No, I'm not. Yes,
Speaker 1: you are. We all are. Were you mean it? What
Speaker 1: makes us crazy as hell? But she knows what your
Speaker 1: judgments are. She knows what broke your heart. She may
Speaker 1: not know the story, but she knows your heart is
Speaker 1: broken and that's why she knows. She didn't get it
Speaker 1: and she doesn't trust it or you. So whether she
Speaker 1: goes to counseling or not, and I don't, I want
Speaker 1: to encourage you not to tell her, invite her, invite her.
Speaker 1: I want to heal. You mean the world to me
Speaker 1: and you're my heart and I want us to heal.
Speaker 1: And I don't know how to do it. And I
Speaker 1: want to know if we can go to counseling together.
Speaker 1: And does she have an income at all?
Speaker 2: She does?
Speaker 1: And ask her say, I pay for most of it,
Speaker 1: but I also want you to invest. I don't care
Speaker 1: if it's ten dollars. Let's do this together for each other,
Speaker 1: not that you mom take it on and do it,
Speaker 1: because then in her mind, you're controlling it. She's got
Speaker 1: to make an investment. You pay for your own. Like
Speaker 1: I said, you go on Tuesday, you'll go on Friday, right.
Speaker 2: And I'm listening to how you're saying to say this
Speaker 2: because I wanted to come off like you're saying it,
Speaker 2: because that's exactly what I'm what I my intentions. But
Speaker 2: sometimes when I say it, it's like the control thing. Okay,
Speaker 2: we're gonna go do this, and we're gonna go do that,
Speaker 2: and I think it'll be good, you know. But I
Speaker 2: need to let her know, you know how I miss
Speaker 2: her and how she does mean the world to me,
Speaker 2: and I don't want this brokenness to continue. I want
Speaker 2: it to be mended, you know. I want to be healthy.
Speaker 1: So here's what I want you to do. When you
Speaker 1: get to your therapist. I want you to tell her
Speaker 1: a couple of things. You can tell her, I said it.
Speaker 1: Tell her that your heart is closed. You're what I
Speaker 1: call neck down dead you live below, then you live
Speaker 1: above the neck, not below it. Tell her to help
Speaker 1: you understand how you control. Tell her to get to
Speaker 1: the root of your judgments, and tell her to help
Speaker 1: you diffuse your anger. I want you to start there,
Speaker 1: and let me tell you why, because you are heady
Speaker 1: and you'll be in therapy for six and a half
Speaker 1: years telling your stories and justifying your bad behavior. So
Speaker 1: let's go in. Let's go in with a game plan
Speaker 1: because you ain't got a lot of time. Okay, Yeah.
Speaker 1: The thing that I want you to know is that
Speaker 1: the heart has a voice. If you can get out
Speaker 1: of your head and get into your heart, the heart
Speaker 1: will start speaking and it'll say things that you would
Speaker 1: never think of, things like I know I failed you.
Speaker 1: I know I didn't protect you from the predator. I
Speaker 1: bought it now. But this is unacceptable. It scares me,
Speaker 1: It hurts my feelings. We cannot be in this house
Speaker 1: together and not to speak that that that's not working.
Speaker 1: Tell me what you know now that you didn't know
Speaker 1: when you called me today.
Speaker 2: I know now that my queen has to take over
Speaker 2: as far as the house is concerned, and not let
Speaker 2: my daughter walk through there and not speak to me,
Speaker 2: that's not acceptable.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it feelings and it hurts your feelings, and
Speaker 1: it frightened and it frightens me. Yeah, now those are feelings.
Speaker 2: I know that her little girl is operating and not
Speaker 2: the thirty year old woman. Right, So we did have
Speaker 2: a woman to woman conversation. But I knew that before
Speaker 2: our I called you, I didn't know that. But now
Speaker 2: I know how to have that conversation. I know how
Speaker 2: to introduce us going to therapy and not be it
Speaker 2: necessarily my idea, but let her know that my brokenness
Speaker 2: and how I want to resolve it, and let her
Speaker 2: know how well how I feel, so that she's not
Speaker 2: seeing me as the judgmental, you know person, that she sees.
Speaker 1: Me as as a judgmental, controlling person. I have been
Speaker 1: on it, and I can say that to you because
Speaker 1: I know me right, and it's okay, it's okay. I
Speaker 1: could probably tell you your story. Well, that'd be a
Speaker 1: whole other episode if I hear it in your voice,
Speaker 1: constantly trying to prove your worth, your value, constantly trying
Speaker 1: to prove your right, and you will fight, be right,
Speaker 1: fight anybody. You're a fighter too. You scrap it out
Speaker 1: in the streets. I'm not gonna tell you to ask
Speaker 1: me how I know. But the piece that you don't understand,
Speaker 1: and this is what has created this rift between you
Speaker 1: and your daughter somewhere, and I'm guessing between maybe eleven
Speaker 1: and thirteen, possibly earlier. Not only were you abandoned by someone,
Speaker 1: you abandoned yourself. You abandoned yourself, and you abandoned your
Speaker 1: daughter emotionally.
Speaker 2: Third, great, I can see it now.
Speaker 1: Yeah you were eight eight nine, Okay, yep, you abandoned yourself.
Speaker 1: So right now you're operating on autopilot, survival autopilot. That's
Speaker 1: why I say, get thee to a therapist quickly. How
Speaker 1: old are you, my love?
Speaker 2: I am fifty four.
Speaker 1: Okay, this is critical. You don't this is it. You
Speaker 1: gotta do it right here, because if you don't do
Speaker 1: it right here, this situation is going to continue to
Speaker 1: you're sixty three.
Speaker 2: It won't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no it no, I don't choose for it to happen.
Speaker 1: Tell me something good you can do for yourself today.
Speaker 1: Tell me what would make you feel good, like is
Speaker 1: there a Starbucks drink you like? Or can you get
Speaker 1: online and buy yourself something stupid? What can you do good?
Speaker 1: For yourself today.
Speaker 2: Now here you go, get me Asahi bowl.
Speaker 1: Okay. I want you to do that. You know why,
Speaker 1: because you did good work today.
Speaker 2: Ma.
Speaker 1: You haven't resisted at all, you haven't fought, and I
Speaker 1: feel your heart. I feel it now. I want you
Speaker 1: to celebrate yourself today because your pattern is to do it,
Speaker 1: hit and rock, do it, get it done, get it done,
Speaker 1: on to the next thing. But I want you to
Speaker 1: go get you a SAYI bowl and sit there and
Speaker 1: eat it, maybe eat it with your fingers, so that
Speaker 1: your little girl can have fun. Can you do that?
Speaker 2: I will do it.
Speaker 1: You promise me.
Speaker 2: I promise you, I will do it.
Speaker 1: And you know what, bring one home for your daughter. Breathe,
Speaker 1: don't talk, but don't think she's not going to receive it.
Speaker 1: She don't have to receive it. You bring it home
Speaker 1: for her. And all you have to do is say,
Speaker 1: I got myself one, so I got you or whatever
Speaker 1: she likes. Yes, does she like those bowls?
Speaker 2: That's what I was thinking. She didn't like those bowls.
Speaker 2: But I know what she does like.
Speaker 1: Okay, what does she like? Okay? Get it. After you
Speaker 1: get your bowl, to celebrate the good work that you've done,
Speaker 1: go out of your way, get her what she likes,
Speaker 1: bring it home, give it to her, whether she accepts
Speaker 1: it or doesn't accept it or whatever. I got myself
Speaker 1: something nice today, So I got you something, and then
Speaker 1: turn around and walk away. And then after that you
Speaker 1: can say this is unacceptable. We can't do this in
Speaker 1: front of the children. We can't do it. Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: go get your bowl. May you did good work today.
Speaker 1: Thank you for trusting me with your story.
Speaker 2: Thank you for helping me with my situation.
Speaker 1: Bye, mama, I have a great fan.
Speaker 2: Thank you you two.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Let me just be honest here. I know
Speaker 1: that I have lived most of my life, my adult life,
Speaker 1: as an awful woman. I know how to do. I
Speaker 1: know how to provide, I know how to protect. I
Speaker 1: know how to check the boxes off and get it done.
Speaker 1: And I am a casualty of the masculinization. That's a word, right,
Speaker 1: masculine nation of women were masculinized. If that's a word,
Speaker 1: somebody correct me. And one of the challenges the difficulties
Speaker 1: of being an alpha masculine woman is you lose access
Speaker 1: to your heart, you lose access to your feelings. You
Speaker 1: have a vacant emotional library and as women, as mothers.
Speaker 1: Our children could feel us before they could see us.
Speaker 1: They need our hearts. And when we don't have access
Speaker 1: to our heart, when we don't have a well stocked
Speaker 1: emotional vocabulary and emotional grounding, our children feel abandoned. They
Speaker 1: feel lonely, and they don't trust us. When we're correcting
Speaker 1: and directing and guiding all the time supposed to nourishing
Speaker 1: and nurturing, when our hearts are close to us, when
Speaker 1: our hearts are close to the world, when our hearts
Speaker 1: are close to love, our children feel abandoned because they
Speaker 1: know us from the inside out. And when they can't
Speaker 1: feel our hearts, they feel like they're by itself. That
Speaker 1: is absolutely going on here. One of the things that
Speaker 1: I had to learn as I healed my heart to
Speaker 1: be better for myself so I could be better for
Speaker 1: my children is this. And I want you, moms and
Speaker 1: grandmoms and all of you out there, I want you
Speaker 1: to write this down. It is unkind and unloving to
Speaker 1: ask yourself to do something that you've never been taught
Speaker 1: how to do. Nobody taught me how to affirm myself
Speaker 1: my children. No one nurtured me and nourished me, so
Speaker 1: I didn't nurture and nourish my children, and it was
Speaker 1: unkind and unloving for me to expect that I could
Speaker 1: have should have done that when I didn't know how
Speaker 1: to do it. So the key to healing that is forgiveness.
Speaker 1: I have to forgive myself for believing I should have
Speaker 1: been able to do something I didn't know how to do.
Speaker 1: And I had to ask my children to forgive me
Speaker 1: for not being who they needed me to do, but
Speaker 1: not giving them what they needed me to give them
Speaker 1: because I didn't have it. How many of you out
Speaker 1: there can get on that step with it. I hope
Speaker 1: that you know something now that you didn't know when
Speaker 1: you tuned in. And until we meet again, stay in peace,
Speaker 1: not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland
Speaker 1: Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to your favorite shows.