1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,720 Speaker 1: I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,639 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:32,880 Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 6 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:42,000 Speaker 1: How many of us, as mothers, loving from a broken place, 7 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:47,199 Speaker 1: raising our children from a broken place, see what our 8 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 1: children do as hurtful to us, not as an opportunity 9 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:58,639 Speaker 1: for healing. When your daughter says or does something that 10 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:03,160 Speaker 1: hurts you, or that scares you, or that reminds you 11 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:07,800 Speaker 1: of your brokenness, rather than seeing that as an opportunity 12 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,800 Speaker 1: for healing, we go into making them wrong and trying 13 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: to fix the situation, or into denial. The thing that 14 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 1: so many mothers don't understand is that your children know 15 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,120 Speaker 1: you from the inside out. They may not know what 16 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,960 Speaker 1: they're looking at, they may not have the words for it. 17 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:31,000 Speaker 1: But Mama, that baby know you because she lived in 18 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 1: your body. He lived in your body. This is mothers 19 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 1: and their children. How many mothers live and parent from 20 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 1: their brokenness, from their brokenness, from their wounds, trying not 21 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,360 Speaker 1: to do to their children, what was done to them, 22 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 1: trying to give their children more than they didn't have, 23 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,840 Speaker 1: trying to do things for their children that weren't done 24 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:04,000 Speaker 1: for them. Loving from your brokenness means you miss the 25 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:10,360 Speaker 1: opportunity to love from the place you are right now. 26 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 1: You love him from the past, your love, and from 27 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 1: what didn't even go on. You're loving from what isn't 28 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 1: going on anymore. You're loving from a brokenness, a woundedness 29 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,119 Speaker 1: that may have absolutely nothing to do with what your 30 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: child needs, what your child wants, what's good for your child. 31 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 1: You're loving from your lack, your wound, your brokenness, and 32 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: that's not what our children need. And what ends up 33 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 1: happening is we are not the parent that they need 34 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 1: us to be. Take a listen. Greetings beloved, and welcome 35 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:56,079 Speaker 1: to the R Spot. Today we are talking about the sacred, 36 00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: complicated relationship between mothers and daughters. So are you a 37 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,720 Speaker 1: mother or a daughter? And what do you bring into 38 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 1: the table? 39 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:10,639 Speaker 2: I am a mother, Okay, I'm hoping to get some 40 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 2: issues result or some help to navigate the conflict that 41 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:19,040 Speaker 2: me and my daughter is having. It appears that we're 42 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:22,840 Speaker 2: going to peer it is that she's very angry with me, 43 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 2: and she says that she's not, but everything that she does, 44 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:31,800 Speaker 2: you know, her actions show that yes you are. But 45 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 2: I don't know why. 46 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: How old is your daughter? 47 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 2: He's thirty? 48 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,480 Speaker 1: And tell me what is your relationship like? What does 49 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,320 Speaker 1: it look like? How do you all interact? 50 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 2: What's happening right now? It's we live in the same 51 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 2: house and we don't speak to each other, and we 52 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 2: don't speak to each other because she. 53 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:51,640 Speaker 1: Says, wait a minute, hold up, hold up, hold up, 54 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,240 Speaker 1: let me take a breath. You'all love to tell these 55 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:59,119 Speaker 1: shocking stories and keep on running. You and her live 56 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:03,200 Speaker 1: in the same house together, Yes, her house or your house? 57 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 2: My house? 58 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,480 Speaker 1: So your thirty year old daughter lives in a house 59 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:07,960 Speaker 1: with you and doesn't speak to you. 60 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 2: Correct? 61 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,119 Speaker 1: Do you speak to her? 62 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,440 Speaker 2: Not anymore? 63 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: Oh? Okay? So how long has this been going on? 64 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,240 Speaker 1: How long this has. 65 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 2: Been going on? Maybe maybe two weeks? 66 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:23,920 Speaker 1: And how did you get there? How did you get 67 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,320 Speaker 1: to the place where a person living in your house 68 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: is not speaking to you? 69 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 2: Okay, let's unpack this, yes please, Okay, So it went 70 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 2: out my ex Okay, this is big, right. 71 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:47,360 Speaker 1: Okay, my ex husband her father. No, okay, So your 72 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:52,080 Speaker 1: ex husband violated her. What does that mean? He raped her, 73 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:53,240 Speaker 1: he fondled. 74 00:04:52,800 --> 00:05:04,120 Speaker 2: Her, he raped her. Okay, she was maybe sixteen or seventeen. 75 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,919 Speaker 1: Okay, take a breath. What's going on in your brain? 76 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 1: I can hear your brain clicking. 77 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 2: Okay, just unpacking it because I didn't find out about 78 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 2: it until later later in her she was in her twenties. 79 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,160 Speaker 2: Maybe when I found out about it. How'd you find 80 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,599 Speaker 2: out she exposed it to me? She let me know. 81 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: She didn't tell you when it happened. 82 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 2: No, why, I'm not sure why. I don't know whether 83 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 2: she felt like I wouldn't believe her, or she was afraid, 84 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 2: or I don't know. I don't know why. 85 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,960 Speaker 1: So in her twenties, how did she tell you that? 86 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,559 Speaker 1: She blurted out? Were y'all arguing? Did y'all go have tea? 87 00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: What happened? 88 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 2: She was going through some counseling, and I think it 89 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 2: was advised to her that she should talk to me 90 00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 2: about it, And she just told me she was going 91 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 2: through some other things, and I think she was just 92 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:07,360 Speaker 2: trying to clear her her chick list or something, and 93 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,919 Speaker 2: she that was one of the things on it to 94 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:14,160 Speaker 2: have a conversation with me. So we had that conversation. 95 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,520 Speaker 1: And what did you say when she told you? 96 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:22,599 Speaker 2: I apologize that it happened to her. I embraced her, 97 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,840 Speaker 2: I told her how sorry I was that that took place. 98 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:31,039 Speaker 1: Were you still with him when she told you we. 99 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:35,880 Speaker 2: Were still together? When she told me? Yes? 100 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,159 Speaker 1: And what did you say to him? 101 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 2: I don't know if I can repeat that? 102 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 1: Oh, okay on the network. Okay, thank you? Uh huh, 103 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:51,600 Speaker 1: My ears are not worthy of such wonderfulness. 104 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,159 Speaker 2: Right right, right right? 105 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:53,560 Speaker 1: It was? 106 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,039 Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a come to Jesus meeting? 107 00:06:56,839 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 1: Okay, So how did that? What does that have to do? 108 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,360 Speaker 1: Would while y'all stop speaking two weeks ago? 109 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,080 Speaker 2: Okay? I think it all. I think it all is 110 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,680 Speaker 2: together in that, And I think she felt like I 111 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 2: should have known or done something at the time. I 112 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:18,720 Speaker 2: think she feels like I was more you know, I 113 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,559 Speaker 2: have always been a you know, I get it done, 114 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 2: I work, you know, my clothes. I you know, I'm 115 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,320 Speaker 2: more of a father figure, should I say, than a mother. 116 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 2: I'm not the lovey w okay, yeah, your father? Right? Yeah, 117 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,640 Speaker 2: so I'm not that nurturing kind. I'm trying to be 118 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 2: more like that, you know now. But I've missed that 119 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:46,080 Speaker 2: that window. So I have never been like a nurturing mother. 120 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,760 Speaker 2: I'm just like, Okay, you gotta do this. I check boxes, Okay, 121 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,360 Speaker 2: we got to get this done. I gotta get that done. 122 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,120 Speaker 2: But the nursing box, I wasn't checking. 123 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,040 Speaker 1: What happened two weeks ago. 124 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 2: Okay, And it's amlation of a lot of things. Now. 125 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:07,160 Speaker 2: She suffers from anxiety and depression and she lost her jobs. Well, 126 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 2: she didn't lose her job, she her car got stolen 127 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 2: from her, and she's been having some financial difficulties and 128 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:19,640 Speaker 2: she's just had a lot of life situations start happening. 129 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:26,800 Speaker 2: And my and my gut feeling is saying that, Okay, 130 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:31,280 Speaker 2: she has seen how I handle things throughout life and 131 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:36,679 Speaker 2: just kept going. And she she often says, I'm not you. Now. 132 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,760 Speaker 2: I've never expected her to be me, but I hear 133 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 2: her saying that, and so I take from that that 134 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,920 Speaker 2: maybe somehow she's trying to do things the way that 135 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:48,880 Speaker 2: I was able to do things being a single mom 136 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 2: with three kids and still making stuff happen. I don't. 137 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 2: I don't, I really don't know, and I'm probably getting 138 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,000 Speaker 2: off from the question. But she's had a lot of 139 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:01,720 Speaker 2: life situations happen to her that have been hard things, 140 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 2: and then I will try and jump in and help. 141 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:07,120 Speaker 2: But then it's like, you don't want my help, but 142 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:08,199 Speaker 2: then you do want my help. 143 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,400 Speaker 1: Oh, help me. 144 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,839 Speaker 2: Make sense out of it? Yeah, I can't. 145 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,840 Speaker 1: Well, I don't have to make sense out of it. 146 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:21,440 Speaker 1: When I started the show today, I said that help me, lord, 147 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:26,679 Speaker 1: because I know my guests are going to bring my 148 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 1: issues to the table, because you just stole my story. 149 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:35,600 Speaker 1: I had three children. I was a great, great father 150 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:40,080 Speaker 1: and a horrible mother. Horrible. I had to have my kids. 151 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 1: They had to be in line, they had to do 152 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:46,480 Speaker 1: a certain thing in a certain way, because you know, 153 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:50,040 Speaker 1: I had to pay the bills. I had to take 154 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 1: care of everything. So I was a horrible mother, horrible. 155 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 1: I was a great father, and I broke my children. 156 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:04,200 Speaker 1: I did in addition to being dysfunctional and crazy as hell, 157 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:12,720 Speaker 1: probably depressed, maybe psychotic, narcissists. I don't even know. I 158 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,600 Speaker 1: can't I don't even remember who I was. But I 159 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:23,720 Speaker 1: taught my children that they couldn't trust me emotionally. I 160 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 1: taught my children that I didn't have time for your problems. 161 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: I got to get to work, I got to pay 162 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:34,680 Speaker 1: the bills. I taught my children that their voice didn't matter. 163 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,839 Speaker 1: What mattered was what I needed them to do so 164 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,679 Speaker 1: that I could do what I needed to do. I mean, 165 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,960 Speaker 1: of course I didn't sit down and make a to 166 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,679 Speaker 1: do list. I'm going to destroy my children and damage 167 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:52,439 Speaker 1: their self worth. And then when I woke up until 168 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 1: like oooh, this is really not how you need to 169 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:02,720 Speaker 1: be for yourself. And in the process of you not 170 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:06,080 Speaker 1: being who you need to be for yourself, you have 171 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 1: destroyed your children. And I've always said everything my children 172 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,320 Speaker 1: needed I learned way after they needed it. The one 173 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,959 Speaker 1: thing they needed was my heart. I gave them my head, 174 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 1: I gave them home, I gave them food and clothes, 175 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 1: and they needed my heart. 176 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:32,920 Speaker 2: Navigate that that's correct, that is oh so yeah. 177 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:39,640 Speaker 1: She is angry with you. Absolutely is angry. And even 178 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:44,800 Speaker 1: though you didn't know what had happened. As a mom, 179 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: your job, your responsibility is to protect your children. You 180 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,560 Speaker 1: brought the predator right into. 181 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,400 Speaker 2: The house, right exactly. 182 00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:01,040 Speaker 1: And probably the reason she didn't tell you was because 183 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 1: a part of her didn't want to destroy what she 184 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:06,640 Speaker 1: thought made you happy. 185 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:11,000 Speaker 2: That's absolutely correct. And she has always been the one 186 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,720 Speaker 2: you know, she's my child, So I will hurt me 187 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 2: before I hurt you. I'll take something on me. 188 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: That's not a good thing. It's not We'll talk about 189 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:33,200 Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. 190 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left off. You say you 191 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,319 Speaker 1: don't want her to be like you, but I can 192 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:46,199 Speaker 1: tell you from experience when you have a high achieving mother, 193 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 1: When you have a high achieving mother with a closed heart, 194 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:55,000 Speaker 1: nothing the kids do is ever good enough, even if 195 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 1: you don't say it. That's that's how they end up being. 196 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 1: Did you stay with him after she told you? Yes, 197 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 1: betrayal betrayed her, So she's she's not mad at you, 198 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:14,200 Speaker 1: she's not angry with you. She is in high piosity, 199 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:19,240 Speaker 1: high perosity. You better sleep when one eye open. 200 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 2: Yes, with my door locked, do you hear me? 201 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 1: Do you hear me? Yeah? I do, And that's a 202 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 1: that's a good step. Are you still with him? 203 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,280 Speaker 2: No? Okay, I had to plan. I had to do 204 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 2: an plan. I had to do an exit plan. And 205 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 2: I couldn't sit down and tell her I have an 206 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 2: exit plan. But you know, once that happened, I started 207 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 2: trying to figure out, Okay, what am I going to do? 208 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,200 Speaker 2: And how am I gonna do this? And that's what 209 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,080 Speaker 2: I did. 210 00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:57,880 Speaker 1: So she's come home to be remothered. Does she have children, yes? 211 00:13:58,720 --> 00:13:59,920 Speaker 1: Are they in the house also? 212 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:04,800 Speaker 2: Yes? Oh lord, yes, two daughters, yes. 213 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,920 Speaker 1: And I bet you have a good relationship with them, 214 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:08,320 Speaker 1: don't you. 215 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 2: I love them, yes, and they love me. They're me me, 216 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,840 Speaker 2: and and it gets to the point where, you know, 217 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 2: it's like I love the way she mothers them, you know. 218 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,400 Speaker 2: And I often tell my daughters, I love to see 219 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:27,240 Speaker 2: how you guys interact with your children, because I never 220 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 2: was that way with them, So it makes me proud 221 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,720 Speaker 2: to see that. But it's now at a point where 222 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:38,280 Speaker 2: she even tries to keep them away from me, even 223 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,440 Speaker 2: though we're in the same house. 224 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 1: Well, because she's jealous, not the grown thirty year old woman, 225 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:48,120 Speaker 1: but the little girl. And her is jealous. Yeah, that 226 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,960 Speaker 1: you give her those little girls what you didn't give her. 227 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:57,960 Speaker 1: This is a hot mess, you know. Yes, So now 228 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,120 Speaker 1: let me ask you this. Does she pay rent in 229 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:00,640 Speaker 1: your house? 230 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:01,880 Speaker 2: No, ma'am? 231 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:07,080 Speaker 1: Okay, Well then she's a If she's in your house 232 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 1: using your lights and your toilet water and your toilet paper, 233 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,040 Speaker 1: she don't get to not speak to you, mother, she 234 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 1: don't get to do that to her mother. Now, if 235 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 1: she wants to pay rent and be your tenant, then 236 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,960 Speaker 1: she can do whatever she wants to do. So you're 237 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 1: all gonna have to make some decisions here. You want 238 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,520 Speaker 1: to be a tenant and live here, here's the rules, 239 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 1: here's your rent, this is when it's due. You do 240 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,000 Speaker 1: what you want to do. But if you who pass 241 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 1: through my body are going to live in my house, 242 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,800 Speaker 1: we have to work together. We can't do this and 243 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,560 Speaker 1: this is not how I want my grandchildren to see 244 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:56,160 Speaker 1: two women interacting. Yeah, we're not setting a good example 245 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,240 Speaker 1: for them. You don't get to be in my house, 246 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: under my roof, using my toy toilet paper, in my electricity, 247 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 1: and don't speak to me. I'm the mama, Yes, ma'am, 248 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: I'm the mama. Like me, don't like me, mad at me. 249 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: We can work that out, but that you won't do. Now. 250 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,360 Speaker 1: You want to be a tenant. Your rent is this amount, 251 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,760 Speaker 1: and this is when it's due. Because you're still the mama, 252 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 1: even though you was horrible at your job. 253 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:23,120 Speaker 2: Thank you. 254 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,840 Speaker 1: I wonder what would happen. I wonder what would happen 255 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:33,960 Speaker 1: if children could fire their mothers right, your guilt, Your 256 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,560 Speaker 1: guilt and your shame will allow you to let her 257 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 1: treat you anyway? No, no, no, no. Would you have 258 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 1: a girlfriend, would you have a friend of yours, another 259 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 1: sister woman living in your house not speaking to you? 260 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,200 Speaker 2: Absolutely not? 261 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,000 Speaker 1: So then why are you allowing her to do that. 262 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 2: Because of the guilt and the shame and not wanting 263 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 2: her to retaliate and probably take the kids someplace else where. 264 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 2: I right now I know where they are, but then 265 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,040 Speaker 2: outside of my sight, I don't know what might happen. 266 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,119 Speaker 1: See, you can't rescue her and persecute her. At the 267 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,920 Speaker 1: same time, you can't rescue her if you don't trust her. 268 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:18,239 Speaker 1: How old are your granddaughters. 269 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,640 Speaker 2: At eight and two? 270 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:22,040 Speaker 1: Well, Mama, you got to be willing to give them 271 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,439 Speaker 1: out to maintain your dignity. You got to be in 272 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 1: the throne. You got to put the queen in the throne. 273 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,240 Speaker 1: Mama can't run the house. The queen runs the house. 274 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,560 Speaker 1: Mama can have conversations with her daughter. You can't have 275 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: it both ways. And if she's a good mom, she 276 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,680 Speaker 1: won't take your grandchildren away. Not if she's a good mom. 277 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:50,160 Speaker 1: Now she's a good mom, then that's a whole another situation. Okay, 278 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:55,240 Speaker 1: I'm glad you tell her that too. And can I 279 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:58,600 Speaker 1: say this, because it's right up in your house, right 280 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,119 Speaker 1: up in your face, and clearly you don't have the 281 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: skills to deal with it. Find out if you and 282 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:08,680 Speaker 1: her can go to counsel. Do you think she would 283 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,480 Speaker 1: be willing to do that? 284 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:15,920 Speaker 2: That is a confirmation, because that's something that I've been 285 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,080 Speaker 2: kind of wanting to introduce to her because she goes 286 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,119 Speaker 2: and I was like, you know, even when I saw 287 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 2: or I felt like, Okay, you're saying that you like me, 288 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,639 Speaker 2: love me, this, any other, but those are not the 289 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,240 Speaker 2: actions that you're exhibiting. 290 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:36,040 Speaker 1: Okay, wait a minute, Hold hold up, hold up, Hold up, daddy, 291 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:43,280 Speaker 1: Hold up, daddy, because right there, you're making her wrong. 292 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 1: You're making her wrong, even if you know in your 293 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,120 Speaker 1: soul she's really pissed and she really has a right 294 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,679 Speaker 1: to be pissed. You didn't protect her. You brought the 295 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,560 Speaker 1: predator in the house. And hear me, I'm not judging 296 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,879 Speaker 1: you or making you wrong for this. I'm sitting on 297 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,199 Speaker 1: I've got on her shoes right now. I'm just putting 298 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,000 Speaker 1: her shoes on and telling you what she's walking in Okay. 299 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,720 Speaker 1: Can you hear me, Mom? I don't want you to 300 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:14,040 Speaker 1: hear me making you wrong. I'm just walking in her shoes. 301 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: You brought that beast into this house. Yes, your job 302 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,679 Speaker 1: was to protect me and take care of me. You 303 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:30,000 Speaker 1: let him do this to me, and yes, stayed with him. 304 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 1: That's in her shoes. Now, you and I know maybe 305 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,320 Speaker 1: something else was going on. You had no awareness. But 306 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 1: here's the peace, Mom. She didn't trust you enough to 307 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:52,440 Speaker 1: tell you take a breath. You're not breathing, Come on, breathe. Yes, 308 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:58,040 Speaker 1: So there's that, and then there's a part where loving you, 309 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,640 Speaker 1: wanting you to be happy. She didn't want to destroy 310 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,240 Speaker 1: what she thought made you have. That's another reason she 311 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,080 Speaker 1: didn't tell you. So she's got that conflict going on 312 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 1: inside of herself. Here's what I can tell you, Mama. 313 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,240 Speaker 1: You're gonna have to own all of that, and not 314 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,399 Speaker 1: from a place of I know I didn't do this, 315 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,120 Speaker 1: and I know I didn't do that, but I did 316 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,399 Speaker 1: this and I had to do No. No, no, no, 317 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: no no. That's not how you're gonna own it. I 318 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:29,320 Speaker 1: failed you. I failed you. Breaks my heart to know 319 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,719 Speaker 1: it to say it, But I failed you, and I 320 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:38,640 Speaker 1: hope one day you can forgive me and then you've 321 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 1: just got to let her let it out. But she 322 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,879 Speaker 1: gonna tell you how you failed her. But that's not 323 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:49,600 Speaker 1: something y'all can do at the kitchen table over cheese 324 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:53,399 Speaker 1: and crackers. You need third party intervention. You need a 325 00:20:53,480 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 1: neutral third party. But this is to the bone stuff 326 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:05,120 Speaker 1: right here. And you're gonna hear things about yourself that 327 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,040 Speaker 1: you it's gonna be hard for you to hear and believe. 328 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:14,439 Speaker 1: And I'm not whitewashing her because she's not dealing with 329 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,080 Speaker 1: you as a thirty year old woman. She's dealing with 330 00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:21,160 Speaker 1: you as a broken little girl. That's what kids do. 331 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: I'm not your friend. I'm not gonna speak to you. 332 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,919 Speaker 1: Wait a minute, hold up, boo, you in my house. 333 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,439 Speaker 1: And at the same time, you can't say, oh, you 334 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 1: will speak to me. No, you can't say that. The 335 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:39,040 Speaker 1: thing is because she never got your heart. She doesn't 336 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:42,240 Speaker 1: feel safe with you. But she thinks you're gonna correct her. 337 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,600 Speaker 2: Right, And that's something that I hear her say as well, 338 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 2: because you know her truth is that I'm very judgmental, okay. 339 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:54,320 Speaker 1: And you are judgment Oh yes you are, Yes, you are, Yes, 340 00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:57,520 Speaker 1: you are ask me how I know? Ask me how 341 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:02,920 Speaker 1: I know? I had asked, how do you know? None 342 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 1: of your business? None of your business. And what happens 343 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 1: is she probably feels you as distant, cold, mean, Dutch 344 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:24,959 Speaker 1: metal and I'll just speak from a place of knowing 345 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,760 Speaker 1: of myself. Okay, this is just between you and me. 346 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:33,560 Speaker 1: Because I had so much to do, I didn't have 347 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:38,560 Speaker 1: time for little childhood imperfections. I just I didn't have 348 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 1: time for that. And then, you know, a born perfectionist, 349 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,600 Speaker 1: I wanted them to be perfect, so I was extremely critical. 350 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:55,520 Speaker 1: I never forget when my son, who you know, in 351 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,280 Speaker 1: my eyes was the only son in the world. Everybody 352 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,040 Speaker 1: else had boys. I had a son and he was 353 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,960 Speaker 1: gonna do right and be right because I had him 354 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,960 Speaker 1: at sixteen and he was not gonna shame me in 355 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:13,320 Speaker 1: the world. Now, that's how I handled that. And when 356 00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:16,720 Speaker 1: he grew up and did everything that I told him 357 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:20,879 Speaker 1: not to do, everything I taught him not to do, 358 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 1: he did and ended up in God's Vacation Retreat Center 359 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,560 Speaker 1: aka prison. 360 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:30,280 Speaker 2: You got one of them too, No, I don't have one. 361 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:36,480 Speaker 1: You Okay, Well I did. I ain't shamed, and I'll 362 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 1: never forget the day he said to me. He said, 363 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,680 Speaker 1: you are the reason I am the way I am. 364 00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:51,919 Speaker 1: You it's your fault. And he said to me, you 365 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,760 Speaker 1: your fears for me were not the fears that I 366 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:59,760 Speaker 1: have for myself. You gave me enough rope to hang 367 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,880 Speaker 1: my myself and then you beat me up about it. 368 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:03,680 Speaker 2: Wow. 369 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,040 Speaker 1: You never told me what I could do. You always 370 00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,200 Speaker 1: told me what not to do. And I grew up 371 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:16,320 Speaker 1: thinking and believing I couldn't trust myself because you didn't 372 00:24:16,359 --> 00:24:20,200 Speaker 1: trust me. Okay, that's what my son told me from 373 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,159 Speaker 1: the prison phone on a collect call that I was 374 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:30,880 Speaker 1: paying for. And you know what I said, because instead 375 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:36,439 Speaker 1: of defending myself and instead of making him wrong again, 376 00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: I said to him, I hear you. Tell me how 377 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:45,200 Speaker 1: I can do it better now. We'll talk more about 378 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:53,320 Speaker 1: it when they come back. Welcome back to the R spot. 379 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:58,119 Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. Tell me how I 380 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:02,680 Speaker 1: can do it better now. And what he said saved 381 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:06,480 Speaker 1: our relationship. He said, stop being my mother and be 382 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:12,960 Speaker 1: my friend. And that's what I did. I stopped correcting him, 383 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:18,920 Speaker 1: I stop criticizing him, I stop asking him his business. 384 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,960 Speaker 1: And if he didn't come to me, I didn't go 385 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:25,119 Speaker 1: to him. And sometimes even today at fifty four, my 386 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,560 Speaker 1: son will go to other people before he comes to 387 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:32,640 Speaker 1: me because that little boy in there still doesn't believe 388 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:37,159 Speaker 1: that he has my heart. Wow, she's in your house 389 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:40,000 Speaker 1: because she wants you to rescue her. But she treats 390 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:46,159 Speaker 1: you like her persecutor. It's a vicious thing, so she 391 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:49,440 Speaker 1: can manipulate you out of fear, your fear that she's 392 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:53,720 Speaker 1: gonna take your grandbabies. Yeah, and it hurts your feelings, right, 393 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:58,200 Speaker 1: it does. It does that you're providing for her and 394 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,840 Speaker 1: doing everything that you can to the best of your ability, 395 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,600 Speaker 1: whether she likes it or not, hurts your feelings. See, 396 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,920 Speaker 1: if you let her know that, then she'll know. Oh, 397 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,560 Speaker 1: she does have a heart. She's not just a cold 398 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 1: cow eating grass in the fields. So can I ask 399 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: you a question? What happened to your heart? Baby? What 400 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:27,440 Speaker 1: happened to your heart? Mama? So here we go. You 401 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,840 Speaker 1: go to therapy on Tuesday, and you and her go 402 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 1: together on Friday because you're healing. Really, your deep level 403 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,840 Speaker 1: of healing will happen when you can share your story 404 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:44,920 Speaker 1: as a woman, woman to woman. She don't know your story, 405 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:48,480 Speaker 1: but something happened to harden your heart and We don't 406 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:52,240 Speaker 1: have to go into that now. But that's where you're healing, 407 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:55,360 Speaker 1: is I ask me how I know? 408 00:26:56,480 --> 00:27:03,520 Speaker 2: I dare not. You learn quick. I won't know. 409 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:11,679 Speaker 1: And if for whatever reason, you can't get her to 410 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:16,200 Speaker 1: go to counseling, you go because you still need to 411 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:21,680 Speaker 1: soften your heart. You need to heal your heart. Here's 412 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:26,800 Speaker 1: a little secret. Don't tell anybody I told you this. Okay, 413 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 1: you promise, promise not to tell nobody. 414 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:33,840 Speaker 2: I won't tell anyone. 415 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:40,600 Speaker 1: Okay, don't tell anybody I told you. Mama. She lived 416 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: in your body. The first thing she heard was your 417 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:52,439 Speaker 1: heart beat and your voice. She knows you from the 418 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:57,479 Speaker 1: inside out. She may not know how to put it 419 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:01,520 Speaker 1: in words, she may not underst stand what it all means, 420 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:07,160 Speaker 1: but she knows you from the inside out. So some 421 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:11,119 Speaker 1: of the things that you deny about yourself, she knows 422 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:16,199 Speaker 1: they're truth because she lived in your body. Take her breath, 423 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,959 Speaker 1: you really stop breathing, Come on, breathe. 424 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:27,280 Speaker 2: I just I took that in, you know, I took 425 00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 2: deep rest and I was just receiving all of that 426 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:32,960 Speaker 2: because that's so true. And it's like she knows me, 427 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:37,160 Speaker 2: you know, she watches me. She observes me. She's very observant, 428 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,360 Speaker 2: and that's why I think that she knows how to 429 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,840 Speaker 2: maneuver and do certain things because she knows how I'm 430 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,080 Speaker 2: going to react to it. 431 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:52,000 Speaker 1: She manipulates you from your fear, but she also manipulates 432 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:58,200 Speaker 1: you from her intuitive knowledge. She lived in your body. 433 00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,000 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am. 434 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,400 Speaker 1: Yes, So some of the things she says about you 435 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,040 Speaker 1: that you can't hear your judgmental, No, I'm not. Yes, 436 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:09,600 Speaker 1: you are. We all are. Were you mean it? What 437 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:12,479 Speaker 1: makes us crazy as hell? But she knows what your 438 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:16,400 Speaker 1: judgments are. She knows what broke your heart. She may 439 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:18,640 Speaker 1: not know the story, but she knows your heart is 440 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,160 Speaker 1: broken and that's why she knows. She didn't get it 441 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:27,239 Speaker 1: and she doesn't trust it or you. So whether she 442 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,880 Speaker 1: goes to counseling or not, and I don't, I want 443 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:37,200 Speaker 1: to encourage you not to tell her, invite her, invite her. 444 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,840 Speaker 1: I want to heal. You mean the world to me 445 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,760 Speaker 1: and you're my heart and I want us to heal. 446 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 1: And I don't know how to do it. And I 447 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,200 Speaker 1: want to know if we can go to counseling together. 448 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,040 Speaker 1: And does she have an income at all? 449 00:29:58,280 --> 00:29:58,840 Speaker 2: She does? 450 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:03,160 Speaker 1: And ask her say, I pay for most of it, 451 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,640 Speaker 1: but I also want you to invest. I don't care 452 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:09,840 Speaker 1: if it's ten dollars. Let's do this together for each other, 453 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,280 Speaker 1: not that you mom take it on and do it, 454 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:17,000 Speaker 1: because then in her mind, you're controlling it. She's got 455 00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:19,959 Speaker 1: to make an investment. You pay for your own. Like 456 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:24,640 Speaker 1: I said, you go on Tuesday, you'll go on Friday, right. 457 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,240 Speaker 2: And I'm listening to how you're saying to say this 458 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,120 Speaker 2: because I wanted to come off like you're saying it, 459 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 2: because that's exactly what I'm what I my intentions. But 460 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,760 Speaker 2: sometimes when I say it, it's like the control thing. Okay, 461 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,480 Speaker 2: we're gonna go do this, and we're gonna go do that, 462 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:42,440 Speaker 2: and I think it'll be good, you know. But I 463 00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:45,720 Speaker 2: need to let her know, you know how I miss 464 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:47,600 Speaker 2: her and how she does mean the world to me, 465 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:50,920 Speaker 2: and I don't want this brokenness to continue. I want 466 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 2: it to be mended, you know. I want to be healthy. 467 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,760 Speaker 1: So here's what I want you to do. When you 468 00:30:56,840 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 1: get to your therapist. I want you to tell her 469 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,200 Speaker 1: a couple of things. You can tell her, I said it. 470 00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 1: Tell her that your heart is closed. You're what I 471 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:11,640 Speaker 1: call neck down dead you live below, then you live 472 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 1: above the neck, not below it. Tell her to help 473 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 1: you understand how you control. Tell her to get to 474 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 1: the root of your judgments, and tell her to help 475 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:28,760 Speaker 1: you diffuse your anger. I want you to start there, 476 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:31,720 Speaker 1: and let me tell you why, because you are heady 477 00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 1: and you'll be in therapy for six and a half 478 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:39,160 Speaker 1: years telling your stories and justifying your bad behavior. So 479 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,480 Speaker 1: let's go in. Let's go in with a game plan 480 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:47,000 Speaker 1: because you ain't got a lot of time. Okay, Yeah. 481 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:50,120 Speaker 1: The thing that I want you to know is that 482 00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:55,040 Speaker 1: the heart has a voice. If you can get out 483 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:58,280 Speaker 1: of your head and get into your heart, the heart 484 00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,800 Speaker 1: will start speaking and it'll say things that you would 485 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,560 Speaker 1: never think of, things like I know I failed you. 486 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:07,200 Speaker 1: I know I didn't protect you from the predator. I 487 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:12,280 Speaker 1: bought it now. But this is unacceptable. It scares me, 488 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:15,360 Speaker 1: It hurts my feelings. We cannot be in this house 489 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:20,400 Speaker 1: together and not to speak that that that's not working. 490 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:23,560 Speaker 1: Tell me what you know now that you didn't know 491 00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: when you called me today. 492 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:29,040 Speaker 2: I know now that my queen has to take over 493 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:31,840 Speaker 2: as far as the house is concerned, and not let 494 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,320 Speaker 2: my daughter walk through there and not speak to me, 495 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,520 Speaker 2: that's not acceptable. 496 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:42,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, and it feelings and it hurts your feelings, and 497 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:47,160 Speaker 1: it frightened and it frightens me. Yeah, now those are feelings. 498 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,400 Speaker 2: I know that her little girl is operating and not 499 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:54,800 Speaker 2: the thirty year old woman. Right, So we did have 500 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:59,640 Speaker 2: a woman to woman conversation. But I knew that before 501 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:02,400 Speaker 2: our I called you, I didn't know that. But now 502 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:07,280 Speaker 2: I know how to have that conversation. I know how 503 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:11,480 Speaker 2: to introduce us going to therapy and not be it 504 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:17,360 Speaker 2: necessarily my idea, but let her know that my brokenness 505 00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:22,600 Speaker 2: and how I want to resolve it, and let her 506 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,880 Speaker 2: know how well how I feel, so that she's not 507 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:31,400 Speaker 2: seeing me as the judgmental, you know person, that she sees. 508 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:34,960 Speaker 1: Me as as a judgmental, controlling person. I have been 509 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,719 Speaker 1: on it, and I can say that to you because 510 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:44,360 Speaker 1: I know me right, and it's okay, it's okay. I 511 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:46,760 Speaker 1: could probably tell you your story. Well, that'd be a 512 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:53,000 Speaker 1: whole other episode if I hear it in your voice, 513 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:57,920 Speaker 1: constantly trying to prove your worth, your value, constantly trying 514 00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:00,640 Speaker 1: to prove your right, and you will fight, be right, 515 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:04,800 Speaker 1: fight anybody. You're a fighter too. You scrap it out 516 00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:09,080 Speaker 1: in the streets. I'm not gonna tell you to ask 517 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:16,239 Speaker 1: me how I know. But the piece that you don't understand, 518 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:19,640 Speaker 1: and this is what has created this rift between you 519 00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:24,480 Speaker 1: and your daughter somewhere, and I'm guessing between maybe eleven 520 00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:31,360 Speaker 1: and thirteen, possibly earlier. Not only were you abandoned by someone, 521 00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:37,680 Speaker 1: you abandoned yourself. You abandoned yourself, and you abandoned your 522 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:39,560 Speaker 1: daughter emotionally. 523 00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 2: Third, great, I can see it now. 524 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:49,279 Speaker 1: Yeah you were eight eight nine, Okay, yep, you abandoned yourself. 525 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:56,520 Speaker 1: So right now you're operating on autopilot, survival autopilot. That's 526 00:34:56,520 --> 00:35:00,520 Speaker 1: why I say, get thee to a therapist quickly. How 527 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:01,439 Speaker 1: old are you, my love? 528 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:02,919 Speaker 2: I am fifty four. 529 00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:07,000 Speaker 1: Okay, this is critical. You don't this is it. You 530 00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:09,560 Speaker 1: gotta do it right here, because if you don't do 531 00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,200 Speaker 1: it right here, this situation is going to continue to 532 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,080 Speaker 1: you're sixty three. 533 00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:15,440 Speaker 2: It won't. 534 00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:19,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, no it no, I don't choose for it to happen. 535 00:35:20,239 --> 00:35:23,680 Speaker 1: Tell me something good you can do for yourself today. 536 00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:27,239 Speaker 1: Tell me what would make you feel good, like is 537 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:30,839 Speaker 1: there a Starbucks drink you like? Or can you get 538 00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:34,600 Speaker 1: online and buy yourself something stupid? What can you do good? 539 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:35,600 Speaker 1: For yourself today. 540 00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:39,680 Speaker 2: Now here you go, get me Asahi bowl. 541 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,439 Speaker 1: Okay. I want you to do that. You know why, 542 00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:45,680 Speaker 1: because you did good work today. 543 00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:45,800 Speaker 2: Ma. 544 00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:50,279 Speaker 1: You haven't resisted at all, you haven't fought, and I 545 00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:55,440 Speaker 1: feel your heart. I feel it now. I want you 546 00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:59,359 Speaker 1: to celebrate yourself today because your pattern is to do it, 547 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:01,600 Speaker 1: hit and rock, do it, get it done, get it done, 548 00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:03,880 Speaker 1: on to the next thing. But I want you to 549 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:07,200 Speaker 1: go get you a SAYI bowl and sit there and 550 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:10,279 Speaker 1: eat it, maybe eat it with your fingers, so that 551 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,160 Speaker 1: your little girl can have fun. Can you do that? 552 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:14,319 Speaker 2: I will do it. 553 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:15,319 Speaker 1: You promise me. 554 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,160 Speaker 2: I promise you, I will do it. 555 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:22,040 Speaker 1: And you know what, bring one home for your daughter. Breathe, 556 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:25,600 Speaker 1: don't talk, but don't think she's not going to receive it. 557 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:27,759 Speaker 1: She don't have to receive it. You bring it home 558 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,000 Speaker 1: for her. And all you have to do is say, 559 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:34,520 Speaker 1: I got myself one, so I got you or whatever 560 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:38,040 Speaker 1: she likes. Yes, does she like those bowls? 561 00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:40,080 Speaker 2: That's what I was thinking. She didn't like those bowls. 562 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:41,880 Speaker 2: But I know what she does like. 563 00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:46,719 Speaker 1: Okay, what does she like? Okay? Get it. After you 564 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:50,959 Speaker 1: get your bowl, to celebrate the good work that you've done, 565 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,160 Speaker 1: go out of your way, get her what she likes, 566 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:57,360 Speaker 1: bring it home, give it to her, whether she accepts 567 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:01,080 Speaker 1: it or doesn't accept it or whatever. I got myself 568 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:03,960 Speaker 1: something nice today, So I got you something, and then 569 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:07,480 Speaker 1: turn around and walk away. And then after that you 570 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,880 Speaker 1: can say this is unacceptable. We can't do this in 571 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:15,239 Speaker 1: front of the children. We can't do it. Yes, ma'am, 572 00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:17,840 Speaker 1: go get your bowl. May you did good work today. 573 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:20,400 Speaker 1: Thank you for trusting me with your story. 574 00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:23,880 Speaker 2: Thank you for helping me with my situation. 575 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:27,680 Speaker 1: Bye, mama, I have a great fan. 576 00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:28,759 Speaker 2: Thank you you two. 577 00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:37,120 Speaker 1: Thank you. Let me just be honest here. I know 578 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,479 Speaker 1: that I have lived most of my life, my adult life, 579 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:45,040 Speaker 1: as an awful woman. I know how to do. I 580 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:47,920 Speaker 1: know how to provide, I know how to protect. I 581 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:51,640 Speaker 1: know how to check the boxes off and get it done. 582 00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:58,680 Speaker 1: And I am a casualty of the masculinization. That's a word, right, 583 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:06,040 Speaker 1: masculine nation of women were masculinized. If that's a word, 584 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:14,760 Speaker 1: somebody correct me. And one of the challenges the difficulties 585 00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:19,760 Speaker 1: of being an alpha masculine woman is you lose access 586 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:24,239 Speaker 1: to your heart, you lose access to your feelings. You 587 00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:30,800 Speaker 1: have a vacant emotional library and as women, as mothers. 588 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:35,520 Speaker 1: Our children could feel us before they could see us. 589 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:40,680 Speaker 1: They need our hearts. And when we don't have access 590 00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:44,040 Speaker 1: to our heart, when we don't have a well stocked 591 00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:53,000 Speaker 1: emotional vocabulary and emotional grounding, our children feel abandoned. They 592 00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:56,920 Speaker 1: feel lonely, and they don't trust us. When we're correcting 593 00:38:57,120 --> 00:39:01,320 Speaker 1: and directing and guiding all the time supposed to nourishing 594 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:07,480 Speaker 1: and nurturing, when our hearts are close to us, when 595 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:09,680 Speaker 1: our hearts are close to the world, when our hearts 596 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:16,480 Speaker 1: are close to love, our children feel abandoned because they 597 00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,880 Speaker 1: know us from the inside out. And when they can't 598 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:24,200 Speaker 1: feel our hearts, they feel like they're by itself. That 599 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:27,960 Speaker 1: is absolutely going on here. One of the things that 600 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:32,040 Speaker 1: I had to learn as I healed my heart to 601 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:35,600 Speaker 1: be better for myself so I could be better for 602 00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:39,600 Speaker 1: my children is this. And I want you, moms and 603 00:39:39,719 --> 00:39:42,640 Speaker 1: grandmoms and all of you out there, I want you 604 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:49,600 Speaker 1: to write this down. It is unkind and unloving to 605 00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:55,160 Speaker 1: ask yourself to do something that you've never been taught 606 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:59,400 Speaker 1: how to do. Nobody taught me how to affirm myself 607 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:03,759 Speaker 1: my children. No one nurtured me and nourished me, so 608 00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:06,759 Speaker 1: I didn't nurture and nourish my children, and it was 609 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:11,680 Speaker 1: unkind and unloving for me to expect that I could 610 00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:14,759 Speaker 1: have should have done that when I didn't know how 611 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:20,080 Speaker 1: to do it. So the key to healing that is forgiveness. 612 00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:24,440 Speaker 1: I have to forgive myself for believing I should have 613 00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:27,799 Speaker 1: been able to do something I didn't know how to do. 614 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:34,360 Speaker 1: And I had to ask my children to forgive me 615 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:39,480 Speaker 1: for not being who they needed me to do, but 616 00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:43,479 Speaker 1: not giving them what they needed me to give them 617 00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,319 Speaker 1: because I didn't have it. How many of you out 618 00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:51,600 Speaker 1: there can get on that step with it. I hope 619 00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:54,000 Speaker 1: that you know something now that you didn't know when 620 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:59,000 Speaker 1: you tuned in. And until we meet again, stay in peace, 621 00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:08,480 Speaker 1: not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland 622 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:14,320 Speaker 1: Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, 623 00:41:14,719 --> 00:41:19,240 Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen 624 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:20,800 Speaker 1: to your favorite shows.