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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Laverne Cox Show, a reduction of shondaland

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Speaker 1: audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. We can get

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Speaker 1: really off track thinking about all of the what if

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Speaker 1: should have beens that person that fetishized us, or that

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Speaker 1: discussed or whatever. But don't give the energy to those people.

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Speaker 1: You're feeling exhausted because you're giving an energy. Speak he though, everyone,

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Speaker 1: and welcome to the Laverne Cox Show. Now you will

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Speaker 1: find on this podcast that I am a huge fan

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Speaker 1: of Renee Brown and her work. Renee Brown is a researcher.

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Speaker 1: She studies shame, vulnerability, courage. I reference her literally all

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Speaker 1: the time. And one of the things her research shows

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Speaker 1: is that human beings are hardwired for story and in

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Speaker 1: the absence of data, Uh, we make up stories, now, girl.

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Speaker 1: Nowhere have I made up stories in the absence of

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Speaker 1: data more than when it comes to men, dating and

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Speaker 1: relationships and any of the sort of demographic things about ourselves.

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Speaker 1: We can't control, things like race, gender, identity, socio economic status,

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Speaker 1: et cetera. Now, I plan to have a series of

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Speaker 1: conversations about dating and all of these things, but today

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Speaker 1: I want to focus on age, specifically dating over forty.

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Speaker 1: I'm forty eight years old and single now for over

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Speaker 1: a year and a half, and this is the first

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Speaker 1: time in my life I am dating as someone openly

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Speaker 1: over forty, meaning I no longer lie, deflect, pivot, obstut, kate,

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Speaker 1: do full on matrix moves honey to avoid talking about

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Speaker 1: my age. So today my guest to certified dating coach

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Speaker 1: and media personality Demona Hoffman. She is the host of

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Speaker 1: the podcast Dates and Mates with Demona Hoffman, a frequent

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Speaker 1: contry a video to The l A Times, The Washington Post, NPR,

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Speaker 1: and more. Most recently, Demona can be seen doling out

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Speaker 1: love advice on the Drew Barrymore Show. I have a

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Speaker 1: lot to talk about, Demona. Demona, welcome to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: How are you doing today? I'm living my best life?

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Speaker 1: Thank you? How are you? I'm awesome and I'm so

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Speaker 1: excited to have this conversation with you. Can you first

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Speaker 1: of all tell us how one becomes a dating expert?

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Speaker 1: What how does that happen? It usually happens by becoming

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Speaker 1: a dating disaster first and then figuring out the way

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Speaker 1: to do it correctly. So I was way back in

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Speaker 1: olden times when there weren't even dating apps. There were

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Speaker 1: dating sites. I was dating, frustrated, somewhat unsuccessful, very cynical

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Speaker 1: about love la Verne, and I ended up finding a

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Speaker 1: strategy that work because I was actually working as a

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Speaker 1: casting director at the time in in TV, and I

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Speaker 1: was teaching classes for actors in marketing and having headshots

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Speaker 1: that would stand out to someone like me. So you

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Speaker 1: could probably tell there's a similarity between what I would

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Speaker 1: tell actors about getting noticed by the right kind of

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Speaker 1: people and what I needed to do to get noticed

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Speaker 1: by the right kind of guys online. So I ended

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Speaker 1: up using those strategies to meet my husband, and then

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Speaker 1: so many people came to me, just friends and family,

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Speaker 1: for help, saying, well, I tried online dating, it didn't work,

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Speaker 1: and I say, let me see your profile, and I

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Speaker 1: do the same thing, and I got so many calls.

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Speaker 1: I'm getting married, I'm having a baby. I thought, Wow,

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Speaker 1: maybe this is something that people really need. So I

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Speaker 1: became certified as a dating coach and now help people

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Speaker 1: all the way from pre date to pre marriage. That's amazing.

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Speaker 1: So a dating app is like marketing yourself, and it

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Speaker 1: really is right, it really is, And I think a

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Speaker 1: lot about Oh my god, my whole process that's going

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Speaker 1: into casting, and there's definitely a relationship. For me, I

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Speaker 1: can relate to that because I feel like dating and

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Speaker 1: auditioning are very similar. Yes, auditions your first date, right,

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Speaker 1: and and for me, I know for sure that when

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Speaker 1: I go on a first date, I can't be self conscious.

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Speaker 1: I eat thinking about how I look. I remember I

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Speaker 1: was going on a date in New York, and because

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Speaker 1: I've been stood up so many times, I would make

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Speaker 1: sure that the first date was a coffee date or

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Speaker 1: drink within a block and a half of where I lived,

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Speaker 1: and I would not leave my house or my apartment

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Speaker 1: until he was already there. And so I remember, like

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Speaker 1: he's texted me, He's oh, I'm here, where are you?

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Speaker 1: Was like, oh, I'm a block away, And I was

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Speaker 1: a block away. I was home. So and as I

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Speaker 1: was leaving this one time, I realized that how I

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Speaker 1: was feeling really self conscious, and I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I need to let this go. In the very same

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Speaker 1: way with my feeling self conscious when I go into

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Speaker 1: an audition. If I'm thinking about how I look, I'm

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Speaker 1: not in the character. I'm not in the authenticity of

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Speaker 1: where I need to be for the circumstances of the scene,

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Speaker 1: and so too for dating. Even though I'm gonna look

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Speaker 1: my best, I have to be in my authenticity, which

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Speaker 1: is not about how I look. Yes, and I'm all

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Speaker 1: about authenticity. My tagline is love as you are, and

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Speaker 1: that's basically my philosophy. After doing this now for almost

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Speaker 1: sixteen years, I've been helping people with dating profiles, and

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Speaker 1: I've seen that the more you bring your whole self

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Speaker 1: to the table, not like all your baggage, let me

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Speaker 1: throw all my baggage on the table and see if

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Speaker 1: he runs away. But the more you really bring your

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Speaker 1: authentic self, like you were saying, into the room, the

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Speaker 1: more that you will be able to make a real connection.

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Speaker 1: And I heard your last boyfriend that you met on Tinder,

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Speaker 1: you didn't even wear makeup to the day, right, did not?

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Speaker 1: So back then I found like I used to spend

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Speaker 1: a lot of time getting ready for dates, and then

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Speaker 1: I would meet him and then there wouldn't be a connection.

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Speaker 1: And I spent all this time and I just felt

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Speaker 1: like annoyed, and so I was like, okay. Speically, when

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Speaker 1: I became a little more known, I was like, he

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Speaker 1: knows what I look like with makeup and kind of glad.

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Speaker 1: So let me just not about not putting pressure on it,

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Speaker 1: and I show up as myself because eventually, if we're date,

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Speaker 1: he's going to see me without makeup anyway, so he

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Speaker 1: needs to be okay without everything, you know. And also

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Speaker 1: you'll enjoy the process more if there's all this pretense

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Speaker 1: of I have to do so much to get ready

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Speaker 1: for the date, and I have to be thinking so

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Speaker 1: much about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it

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Speaker 1: on the date. You can't ever be free. You can't

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Speaker 1: ever let go and just be yourself, now can. I

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Speaker 1: really wanted to talk to you today, specifically about dating

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Speaker 1: over forty. I am forty years old now and I've

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Speaker 1: been single for over a year and a half, and

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Speaker 1: this is the first time in my life that I

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Speaker 1: am dating as an openly over forty woman, meaning for

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Speaker 1: years I lied about my age, and two years ago

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Speaker 1: I started owning my age and I was still in

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Speaker 1: relationship at the time, and so now I'm single and

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Speaker 1: I'm back on the apps. I do not put my

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Speaker 1: real age in my profile though, because I think the

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Speaker 1: algorithms are ages or very few minute feel like and

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Speaker 1: this could be a story I've told myself. I feel

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Speaker 1: like very few men are searching for forty year old

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Speaker 1: black trans women. That's my thought. I could be wrong.

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Speaker 1: Tell me I'm wrong if you have the data or

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Speaker 1: back it up, you know. But once I start talking

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Speaker 1: to them, I tell them my real age. I'm very

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Speaker 1: happy and proud to be forty eight. But like, what

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Speaker 1: are your thoughts on? There's so much, like I just said,

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Speaker 1: so much. They're right about lying about your age algorithms. Girl.

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Speaker 1: First of all, when I heard you want to talk

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Speaker 1: about dating over forty, I was like, well, Laver, it's

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Speaker 1: over forty. It just goes to show that age is

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Speaker 1: just a number, right, It's really more about the mindset

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Speaker 1: and the energy level, the things you like doing, and

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Speaker 1: having somebody who has common goals for the future. Yes,

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Speaker 1: can I pause you there? Though, I'm sorry. This is

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Speaker 1: where I want to challenge you. I've listened to your podcast,

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Speaker 1: I've read you fairly extensively, and you talk a lot

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Speaker 1: about mindset and how we frame things, and I'm all

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Speaker 1: about that. I'm all about manifesting the lives that we want.

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Speaker 1: But I feel like in the realm of dating and

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Speaker 1: I it was a part of me that's very hopeful

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Speaker 1: and optimistic and another part of me that is super

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Speaker 1: cynical because we are dealing with at least I'm dealing

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Speaker 1: with men. I'm dealing with straight identified men of all

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Speaker 1: age groups, and I feel like so much of everything

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Speaker 1: is thrown out the window when it comes to that.

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Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on that cynical chick out there

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Speaker 1: who's probably like me, who's like, well, yeah, I can

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Speaker 1: manifest this and that can have the right mindset, but

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Speaker 1: men are still gonna be men. It's true. It's true,

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Speaker 1: men are going to be men. But I'll I can

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Speaker 1: back this up with receipts and with research. So it's

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Speaker 1: not so much the algorithms as the way people search

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Speaker 1: it is skewed. Two disadvantage women over forty. I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna put that all out there. But I say that

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Speaker 1: because I have been able to help women over forty,

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Speaker 1: over fifty, over sixty, who all come to me and say, well,

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Speaker 1: men always want someone younger. I have if women in

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Speaker 1: their thirties coming to me saying men always want someone younger.

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Speaker 1: So if men are always true, but if they're always

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Speaker 1: looking for someone younger, how do I get people to

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Speaker 1: these relationships, and that's by taking different action. And this

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Speaker 1: is the key I teach people how to beat the algorithm,

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Speaker 1: because if you are more proactive, if you are broader

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Speaker 1: in your search, and like a lot of the swipe apps,

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Speaker 1: you cannot do that much to change the algorithm. Like

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Speaker 1: on an Okay, keep it or a match, you can

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Speaker 1: send an outgoing message and this is something that most

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Speaker 1: women do not do. And from the beginning sixteen years

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Speaker 1: ago when I started coaching on online dating, I've always

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Speaker 1: had women be pro active. When Bumble came along, I

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Speaker 1: was like, I got this. I've been I've been teaching

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Speaker 1: people this for so long because it really does shift

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Speaker 1: the algorithm, and it does improve your chances because, like

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Speaker 1: you said, they might not be searching for you, but

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Speaker 1: if you come up in their feed and they're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: she's sexy, they're going to swipe right. And research shows

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Speaker 1: that if a man finds you attractive, he will ignore

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Speaker 1: every anything else. He'll ignore the age, will ignore all

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Speaker 1: the baggage, everything else, and then he'll just swipe right.

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Speaker 1: And that's what you want. You want to get into

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Speaker 1: conversation so that you can move things forward. Off of

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Speaker 1: the app and into the real world. That's the purpose

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Speaker 1: of dating apps. I think people forget that the dating

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Speaker 1: app as a tool, and they want to make all

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Speaker 1: that connection online and they want to do all this

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Speaker 1: vetting and identifying if somebody is right before they put

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Speaker 1: any energy in before they show up on the date.

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Speaker 1: But it's just the tool, and you can't really tell

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Speaker 1: if you have chemistry or if your appropriate match for

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Speaker 1: someone until you actually meet. Would you agree with that absolutely?

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Speaker 1: I absolutely agree with that pre pandemic. When I would

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Speaker 1: single before and living in New York, I would make

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Speaker 1: sure within matching with someone if we had not met

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Speaker 1: for coffee within a week, I would like unmatched. Because

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Speaker 1: I've been online dating for twenty years. My first boyfriend

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Speaker 1: in two thousand, twenty years ago, I met on the

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Speaker 1: dating app. It was a Transpacific dating app twenty years ago.

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Speaker 1: So what I learned through like being on Yahoo chat

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Speaker 1: rooms a well chat rooms girl I've done at all,

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Speaker 1: is that you can literally chat with a guy for years.

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Speaker 1: There's a guy named John I don't know if this

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Speaker 1: is real name, who I have literally been chatting with

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Speaker 1: since probably two thousand five, two thousand six, right for years,

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Speaker 1: we just like lost contact. We've never met in person,

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Speaker 1: and it just never happened. I was like, when are

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Speaker 1: we going to meet? And I just became clear to

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Speaker 1: me that he was into talking and having a pinpal

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Speaker 1: communication thing, but he was not interested in meeting in person.

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Speaker 1: And so that showed me that there are a lot

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Speaker 1: of guys like that online the trans thing. Definitely, a

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Speaker 1: lot of guys have fantasies about that, but then are

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Speaker 1: are really nervous about meeting in person. So then I

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Speaker 1: was like, if we're not meeting within a week, this

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Speaker 1: is pre pandemic. I would unmatch because I feel I

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Speaker 1: was like, he's not really serious post pandemic. It's it's

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Speaker 1: all all about video chatting for me, and this video

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Speaker 1: chatting has screened out a lot of them. Can I

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Speaker 1: tell you I feel a vibe. I feel a vibe

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Speaker 1: on the video because sometimes there are pictures there. I

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Speaker 1: find them attractive in their pictures, but once the image

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Speaker 1: just moving and good or bad lighting, it's like not

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Speaker 1: there for me and the personality. Yeah, I'm a big

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Speaker 1: fan of the video chat It's funny because I did

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Speaker 1: an episode of the Dates and Maids podcast in March,

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Speaker 1: like before everything hit first week in March, and I

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Speaker 1: was like, this is the future of dating. Get on

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Speaker 1: the video chat train, this is where it's going. And

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Speaker 1: and I actually came to the same conclusion that you

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Speaker 1: did about the one week time frame during the pandemic.

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Speaker 1: I've said one no more than one week of chatting

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Speaker 1: before you move to the next step. And I realized

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Speaker 1: I had to really be very clear and codify that

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Speaker 1: for my clients and listeners because I always said, move

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Speaker 1: offline as quickly as possible. But what is as quickly

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Speaker 1: as possible means? So I'm like, okay, one week. In

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Speaker 1: one week, you should know if someone has a true

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Speaker 1: interest in you or not. And the problem is that

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Speaker 1: a lot of us try to talk ourselves into situations.

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Speaker 1: And so many of my clients will say, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: but we really have a connection, or we have a

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Speaker 1: really good banter over text. But what you're doing then

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Speaker 1: is you're developing a false sense of intimacy. You're developing

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Speaker 1: false communication. And so much of communication is not the

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Speaker 1: content of the words, and it's definitely not what you

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Speaker 1: can take time crafting and right and equippe your response

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Speaker 1: or gift or an emoji. It's really in that real

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Speaker 1: time communication that I'm trying to get people towards. And

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Speaker 1: as you probably saw in the video chat, what people

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Speaker 1: perceive from you is your body language, your vocal intonation.

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Speaker 1: And then there's that X factor, which I look at

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Speaker 1: really as intuition in a way. There's that other layer

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Speaker 1: that is hard to quantify, but it's absolutely there. When

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Speaker 1: you just say I don't know why I just don't

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Speaker 1: feel that connection with that person, I think that's your

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Speaker 1: gut speaking, or I don't know why I do feel

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Speaker 1: the connection when it's the chemistry that is so sort

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Speaker 1: of inexplicable, but it's just there, and it's really rare.

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Speaker 1: What I would always say about this for years is

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Speaker 1: that it's not real. It's a fantasy. Until we're space

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Speaker 1: to face, right, we're projecting, and I really try not

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Speaker 1: to do this. I really trying to project a fantasy

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Speaker 1: or romantic fantasy onto any man. I've learned the hard

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Speaker 1: way from having done that in the past. So what

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Speaker 1: are the top three challenges that you find people faith

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Speaker 1: and dating over forty Oh boy, that's a big question.

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Speaker 1: I have my ideas. I have my ideas, but what

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Speaker 1: do you think. Well, one thing that I run into

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Speaker 1: a lot, particularly with women over forty, is that your

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Speaker 1: life is pretty much formed by the time you're forty.

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Speaker 1: You have your friendship circle, you have your career, maybe

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Speaker 1: you have kids, you have a life that is already

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Speaker 1: very full. And one of the biggest challenges that I

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Speaker 1: have when your life is already set like that is

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Speaker 1: just creating the space for a mate to come in,

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Speaker 1: Because if he comes in and you barely have time

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Speaker 1: to have a first date with him, you cancel on him,

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Speaker 1: You're always rescheduling him, you have one night available for

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Speaker 1: a date, or he feels like you're putting your career

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Speaker 1: first and there's no space for him. He needs to

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Speaker 1: feel like he has a function. And I'm I'm not

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Speaker 1: big on traditional gender dynamics. I don't really buy into

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Speaker 1: this idea of like, well, a man has to come

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Speaker 1: and save you or have have that kind of function.

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Speaker 1: But it's more just like, is there a place for

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Speaker 1: him in your life? Can he fit into this world?

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Speaker 1: Or are you asking him to change everything about the

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Speaker 1: life he's built to be able to fit into the

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Speaker 1: life that you have. Wow, that's so deep. I like,

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Speaker 1: I laughed earlier because I'm sort of like I might

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Speaker 1: that girl because I'm really busy. Yeah, we do that.

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Speaker 1: Number two, I would say, is not having clarity on

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Speaker 1: your goals for the future and then not being aligned

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Speaker 1: in that and being in a different place in your life.

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Speaker 1: And then the third thing is just limiting beliefs. This

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Speaker 1: belief that I can't meet someone because I'm over forty

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Speaker 1: the dating pool is too small, or all men my

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Speaker 1: age want to date someone younger, or I'm this race

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Speaker 1: and I can I can't meet someone because I'm black,

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Speaker 1: or I can't meet someone because I am a few

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Speaker 1: pounds overweight, or whatever it is. We really internalize these

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Speaker 1: limiting beliefs, and it blocks us from being able to

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Speaker 1: experience the love of the one that is so huge.

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Speaker 1: How do we change the stories that we tell ourselves

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Speaker 1: about ourselves and our circumstances that It's something I'm constantly

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Speaker 1: struggling with. And I spent about eight months in therapy

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Speaker 1: talking to my therapist and working through some of the

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Speaker 1: stories I told myself before I went public with my age,

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Speaker 1: and I told myself that I wasn't datable, I wasn't hirable,

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Speaker 1: and I wasn't affable over a certain age, and the

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Speaker 1: reality at the time is that I was employed, I

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Speaker 1: was in a relationship with all this stories I told

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Speaker 1: myself around dating over forty we're not true. None of

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Speaker 1: them were true. We do that and we create these

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Speaker 1: paths and patterns in our mind. These are neural pathways

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Speaker 1: confirm what that belief is that you're telling yourself, even though,

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Speaker 1: like you just said, the facts did not support that

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Speaker 1: belief at all. But the more that you told yourself

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Speaker 1: that was true, the more that your brain began to

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Speaker 1: believe it. So what I have people do is to

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Speaker 1: literally rewrite that. I call them broken beliefs, break that

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Speaker 1: belief and rewrite it. So it starts with even just

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Speaker 1: writing down, what is that incorrect belief that you've been

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Speaker 1: repeating again and again? How often do I repeat that

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Speaker 1: to myself? And then right, what is the inverse of that?

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Speaker 1: Or what is the phrase that you would like to

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Speaker 1: be true or that you have even fifty one percent

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Speaker 1: belief that might be actually true in the world. And

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Speaker 1: that's that belief is something that I I try to

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Speaker 1: infuse in people that it doesn't you don't have to

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Speaker 1: be on board with with whatever I'm saying, but if

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Speaker 1: you could just believe it's more probable than not to

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Speaker 1: be true. Then you can you can take yourself the

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Speaker 1: rest of the way with work. And then when you

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Speaker 1: are in that situation and you have that limiting belief,

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Speaker 1: come up. I have a transition word that I'll have

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Speaker 1: my clients like figure out what their transition. For me.

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Speaker 1: It's stop. If I have a limiting belief, I'm repeating

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Speaker 1: I just in my head, I go stop, stop, and

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Speaker 1: then it trains me to reframe it with a more

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Speaker 1: positive phrase and belief system. That then I begin to

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Speaker 1: carve and root out that different belief system in my mind.

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Speaker 1: That you man, I can always give what we want,

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Speaker 1: but we get what we believe, and so we have

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Speaker 1: to get really clear. I love what you just said

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Speaker 1: because we have to get really clear about what we

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Speaker 1: believe because we are manifesting right now, right this is

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Speaker 1: a good time to take a little break. We'll be

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Speaker 1: right back though, after a little love is thrown to

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Speaker 1: our responsors. Okay, that's taken care of. Let's get back

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Speaker 1: to our chat. So I met my ex when I

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Speaker 1: was forty five years old, and I felt madly, deeply,

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Speaker 1: truly in love with him. It was incredible. I was

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Speaker 1: like head over heels. We dated for two years and

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Speaker 1: then it didn't work out. It didn't work out, and

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Speaker 1: it was devastating. And I know that there are a

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Speaker 1: lot of women out there, people out there, you know,

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Speaker 1: of all gender identities, particularly in our forties, who probably

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Speaker 1: have had that situation. We've been in love, maybe we've

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Speaker 1: experienced a divorce or some kind of breakup and we

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Speaker 1: thought we had it. But what does one do, because

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Speaker 1: this is real, what does one do when like one

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Speaker 1: has been you know, hopeful about love and it did

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Speaker 1: work out. Well. I look at every single relationship that

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Speaker 1: you have teaching you something as giving you something. I

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Speaker 1: never look at it as wasted time. And really, when

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Speaker 1: people come to me and it's really raw, like they

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Speaker 1: haven't really processed it like you have, we can't do

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Speaker 1: the kind of work that I do in that space.

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Speaker 1: That's when I say, talk to a therapist, do some

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Speaker 1: self care, and then come back to me when you're

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Speaker 1: ready to actually date, because this is hardcore dating strategy.

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Speaker 1: This is when you're like, Okay, I'm ready, I've processed this.

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Speaker 1: But I think everything that you learn from that you'll

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Speaker 1: take into the next relationship. And I also like when

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Speaker 1: people tell me oh, I tried online dating it didn't work,

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Speaker 1: or I had a relationship and it didn't work. I said,

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Speaker 1: what it did work. It did work for that time.

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Speaker 1: Tender worked for you for a time, and that relationship,

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Speaker 1: even though you had hoped that it would continue long term,

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Speaker 1: it was the right relationship for you for that time

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Speaker 1: and for that season. Absolutely, And that's what I tried

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Speaker 1: to first to do, is to give honor to that

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Speaker 1: relationship and the function that it's served in the place

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Speaker 1: that I served in your life at that time. I

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Speaker 1: definitely feel that, and I'm happy that it's over, and

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Speaker 1: being honest, i feel like I'm in a different place

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Speaker 1: and I'm wishing him all the best, of course, just

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00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 1: to get out there again, though. Can you have been

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Speaker 1: on the apps, You've been in a monogamous relationship, and

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden you're back out there and men

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Speaker 1: are doing the same thing they were doing on the

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Speaker 1: ass before, all of the men wanting to send pictures

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Speaker 1: of their privates and all sort of being overly sexualized

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Speaker 1: and all the things that happened to people online, specifically

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Speaker 1: I think women. But just the weariness of it all.

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Speaker 1: What do you think about that? Because I'm just like

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Speaker 1: I just talked to my girlfriends all the time, and

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Speaker 1: we're constantly talking about like how weary we are. And

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Speaker 1: there's a certain cynicism because we see the same things

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Speaker 1: over and over again with men. And I think too,

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Speaker 1: I always want to be as accountable as possible. If

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Speaker 1: I'm seeing the same thing over and over game, what's

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Speaker 1: my part in it? Am I inviting that same energy?

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Speaker 1: Am I sending it out? That energy out and that's

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Speaker 1: what I'm getting back? And so for me, it's always

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Speaker 1: a question of, like my personal responsibility, and then what's

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Speaker 1: the stemming What is just agism and sexism and misogyny

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Speaker 1: sort of playing itself out and how men date And

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Speaker 1: none of this is easy. That's the other thing, Like,

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Speaker 1: this is what we're here to do. This is our work, really,

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Speaker 1: And what you said, I know resonates. I'm sure we'll

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Speaker 1: resonate with a lot of your listeners because when when

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Speaker 1: you are dating in your forties, you have past experiences,

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Speaker 1: you have stuff. I said baggage before, but it's not

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Speaker 1: necessarily baggage. I think it's just your story. And there's

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Speaker 1: the story that you're living, and then there's the story

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Speaker 1: you're telling. Yourself about what that story means. Right, there's

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Speaker 1: how you're interpreting the story. And so I'm curious to

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Speaker 1: ask you, Laverne. We're gonna turn this into a little

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Speaker 1: bit of a coaching sessh, real quick, what do you

429
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:04,639
Speaker 1: feel like you learned from that relationship that you would

430
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,320
Speaker 1: take into the next relationship now having a year and

431
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:12,359
Speaker 1: a half to reflect on it? Oh so much. I

432
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:17,240
Speaker 1: think the biggest thing for me is that true love

433
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:22,399
Speaker 1: is possible, like a really and truly reciprocal loving relationship

434
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 1: where we're both on the same page, where he is

435
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,040
Speaker 1: just is in love with me as I am with him,

436
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,399
Speaker 1: and that I can show every aspect of who I

437
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,240
Speaker 1: am to a partner and still be loved. That is

438
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,879
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing that I've taken away from that relationship.

439
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:42,280
Speaker 1: That's amazing. That's really valuable experience. And as far as

440
00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:45,679
Speaker 1: this idea of I have to go back out and

441
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 1: do it again and it's the same old stuff, and

442
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:53,480
Speaker 1: it is, but now you have perspective and knowledge that

443
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:57,080
Speaker 1: maybe you didn't have three years ago before you begin

444
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,000
Speaker 1: this process, and so now you're making that into the

445
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:05,679
Speaker 1: next relationship. Now you're filtering dates based on that and

446
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:09,680
Speaker 1: to me that possibility is really exciting. And I know that,

447
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:11,840
Speaker 1: like you said, it is a bit of a numbers game,

448
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,840
Speaker 1: but I look at it more as it's a process.

449
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,440
Speaker 1: I'm always like, what's your plan to meet your man? Right?

450
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,600
Speaker 1: It's a plan that you're following, and that if you

451
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,280
Speaker 1: trust the process and you trust the plan that you've

452
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,480
Speaker 1: made for yourself, that the right relationship will come in

453
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,919
Speaker 1: at the right time. Can I also say one of

454
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,520
Speaker 1: the things I learned from my last relationship is how

455
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,760
Speaker 1: in my last two relationships is the question of children

456
00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:39,439
Speaker 1: because I don't want to have kids. I've always been

457
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,480
Speaker 1: very clear that I don't want to have children. Obviously,

458
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 1: people can adopt their surrogus, there is all sorts of

459
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,720
Speaker 1: ways to have children now, but I don't want to

460
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,880
Speaker 1: be a parent. But my last relationship, he was thinking

461
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:50,919
Speaker 1: about kids and we met he was twenty eight and

462
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,640
Speaker 1: I was forty five, and he turned thirty and was like,

463
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,320
Speaker 1: I really want to have kids, and like, so I

464
00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:01,080
Speaker 1: get that, I really understand it, but I feel like

465
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,960
Speaker 1: I want to have a little bit more clarity before

466
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,520
Speaker 1: I get serious with a man around the question of children.

467
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,640
Speaker 1: I just don't want to deal with that again, that's

468
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,920
Speaker 1: another good learning and it's interesting. I'm seeing a little

469
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,639
Speaker 1: bit of shift, i would say, in the last five

470
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 1: years or so with a lot of my clients that

471
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:21,840
Speaker 1: are approaching forty or over forty around kids. Some of

472
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:24,560
Speaker 1: them feel a lot of pressure like they are in

473
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,639
Speaker 1: this rush now all of a sudden, I have to

474
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,600
Speaker 1: have kids, and now I have to just I'll just

475
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:32,880
Speaker 1: pick anybody. And for those I'm like, this is why

476
00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:35,679
Speaker 1: we have I v F, we have medical interventions. There

477
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,520
Speaker 1: are solutions for you to You don't have to just

478
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:42,440
Speaker 1: partner with anybody just because you want kids, Like that's

479
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,240
Speaker 1: this is the most important decision I think you'll ever

480
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,520
Speaker 1: make the person you're going to spend theoretically the rest

481
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,560
Speaker 1: of your life with. So it's not a decision to

482
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,640
Speaker 1: be taken lightly. And then I'm also seeing a lot

483
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,119
Speaker 1: of women now who are choosing not to have kids

484
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:03,000
Speaker 1: and get actually a lot of pushback from men that

485
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:06,560
Speaker 1: either think they're trying to trap them, like oh, you

486
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,560
Speaker 1: must really want kids, because all women in their thirties

487
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:14,199
Speaker 1: and forties want kids. And it's almost like society is

488
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,920
Speaker 1: just catching up to where we are in terms of

489
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:22,200
Speaker 1: our goals and our identity as women, and so there's

490
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: gonna be a period I think of dissonance. It's this

491
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:32,040
Speaker 1: big pot that we're stirring of people having different desires

492
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:38,920
Speaker 1: from the traditional relationship and everyone who grew up with

493
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:41,960
Speaker 1: their classical well, you get married and then you have

494
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:46,640
Speaker 1: kids having to reframe their thoughts on this and it's

495
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:50,359
Speaker 1: a tricky time. So that brings me to another thought

496
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,520
Speaker 1: um that I have that it's frustrating. I think for

497
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:55,960
Speaker 1: a lot of women over forty who might make more

498
00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:00,760
Speaker 1: money than their potential partners, that rolls are different. I

499
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,119
Speaker 1: what I say to my girlfriends a lot that women

500
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 1: over the past thirty forty years have really been thinking

501
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 1: differently about our role in the world, and we're empowered

502
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:15,520
Speaker 1: in ways that we've never been before, which is absolutely beautiful.

503
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,560
Speaker 1: We understand our power. We're like taking care of ourselves,

504
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:22,439
Speaker 1: we make our own money. And I don't see a

505
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:26,320
Speaker 1: mass movement of men who are actually along for the

506
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,440
Speaker 1: ride with us. And maybe I'm looking in the wrong

507
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: places or those men just get taken very quickly, but

508
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:37,600
Speaker 1: I feel I feel like women are in this incredible

509
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:40,960
Speaker 1: place where we are redefining what roles are for ourselves

510
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 1: and what the rules are for ourselves. And I know

511
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,760
Speaker 1: this conversation is very hetero sexist. I'm a woman who

512
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 1: dates men, so I'm just that's when when I'm talking

513
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:53,200
Speaker 1: about this. So what are your thoughts on men right

514
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:57,119
Speaker 1: now and where they are? I do believe that it

515
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,600
Speaker 1: is emasculating still for a lot of men when a

516
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:02,760
Speaker 1: woman may more money than them. Well, you you just

517
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:05,959
Speaker 1: set a mouthful there too. And usually I really like

518
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,600
Speaker 1: to speak from a place of research that I've seen

519
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:17,399
Speaker 1: or clients trends or experiences specifically, and I really I

520
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,639
Speaker 1: don't have the research to back up what I'm about

521
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,280
Speaker 1: to say, so I'm just gonna put that out there.

522
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:27,000
Speaker 1: I have personally been seeing a shift towards men being

523
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 1: open to redefining roles. But I'll say it's also about

524
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,560
Speaker 1: the way that you're dating and like the filtering. So

525
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 1: in my program I talk about five steps. There's mindset

526
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:44,840
Speaker 1: sourcing where you're finding, it's screening and then presentation and

527
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,240
Speaker 1: follow through. And I find a lot of people get

528
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,880
Speaker 1: caught up in the mindset and the screening parts. Mindset

529
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 1: is like what am I looking for? What am I

530
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,680
Speaker 1: bringing to the table, and what do I want what

531
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 1: are my goals for the future, what are my values

532
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 1: right and and people are just still quite confused on that.

533
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,440
Speaker 1: Sometimes people will tell me I'll know it when I

534
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,440
Speaker 1: see it, and I'm like, well, then you're never going

535
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 1: to see it, because if you're waiting for it to

536
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:13,520
Speaker 1: be presented to you without clarity of what you're looking for,

537
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,480
Speaker 1: it's going to just blend into the background. But then

538
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:21,440
Speaker 1: as we are screening through dates, I like to have

539
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 1: a really clear criteria that you are matching against. And

540
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 1: if someone doesn't meet like your core three goals or values,

541
00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:34,320
Speaker 1: that person is not a match, regardless if they're you know,

542
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,440
Speaker 1: really cute, they're really good in bed, if they want

543
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:39,480
Speaker 1: kids and you don't want kids, it's not a match.

544
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 1: Let's not go down that road. And so like for me,

545
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:48,160
Speaker 1: when I was single, I had clarity that I was

546
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,800
Speaker 1: looking for a man who was going to be a

547
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:53,720
Speaker 1: caretaker to my children, and I was looking for a

548
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:57,840
Speaker 1: fifty fifty partnership. I was not looking for any traditional

549
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:01,720
Speaker 1: gender dynamics that was not for me because I knew

550
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,840
Speaker 1: I'm going to be making money, I'm going to have

551
00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:06,520
Speaker 1: my career, I might want to have kids. I assume

552
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 1: I'll have kids, but if I do, I'm not going

553
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,680
Speaker 1: to be the only one taking care of them. And

554
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 1: so when I met my husband, he was broke, he

555
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:20,320
Speaker 1: was an aspiring writer, he was trying to make it,

556
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,840
Speaker 1: but he was the most intelligent man that I had

557
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 1: ever met, and he was really caring and he really

558
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:29,720
Speaker 1: wanted to be an active partner and have a family

559
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,520
Speaker 1: that he could also participate in taking care of. And

560
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 1: here we sit in the middle of a pandemic and

561
00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:39,560
Speaker 1: I am here recording with you, and my husband is

562
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,280
Speaker 1: inside taking care of the kids. This has been our

563
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,440
Speaker 1: dynamic for the last ten years. And I think back

564
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,320
Speaker 1: and I'm like, so grateful that I had that foresight

565
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 1: to plan for the partner that I wanted in my life.

566
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,040
Speaker 1: I think it's really just more about creating a balance

567
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:57,840
Speaker 1: and the dynamic that you want when you build out

568
00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 1: your life. And this is why we visualize. I'll have

569
00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 1: you placed yourself a year in the future in the

570
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,720
Speaker 1: arms of that person that you're with, and go through

571
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:07,400
Speaker 1: a day in the life of what it would it

572
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:09,560
Speaker 1: be like to be with that person. And when you

573
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:12,320
Speaker 1: get that kind of clarity before you go onto the

574
00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:15,720
Speaker 1: dating apps, because that will challenge every belief and every

575
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:18,480
Speaker 1: goal that you have. But when you have that clarity

576
00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:22,800
Speaker 1: right and you move forward from that place of conviction

577
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:26,200
Speaker 1: and clarity, you will meet the person that is best

578
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:28,600
Speaker 1: suited for you and that life that you want to build.

579
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,560
Speaker 1: I love that. That was beautiful, Thank you so much.

580
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,200
Speaker 1: I think that clarity about what your core values are,

581
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:40,480
Speaker 1: absolutely getting what those three values are and not wavering

582
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:42,640
Speaker 1: on those. What are the things we need to let

583
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:44,680
Speaker 1: go of? Right? Because for me, I let go of

584
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:48,680
Speaker 1: height in my last relationship. I let go of height,

585
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:50,720
Speaker 1: and then if he should make more money than me,

586
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 1: I'd let go of that a long time ago, especially

587
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:54,600
Speaker 1: for women over for it. What are the things we

588
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:58,160
Speaker 1: should be letting go of to allow ourselves to open

589
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:03,600
Speaker 1: up our dating pool? You got the big two height age.

590
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 1: I also, I've been writing a lot about race. I

591
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 1: didn't realize how much, how so many people are really

592
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:18,440
Speaker 1: letting race be a factor when they don't live their

593
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,520
Speaker 1: lives in that way. Like people would say, oh, black

594
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:25,120
Speaker 1: lives matter, I'm so woke, right, and then but then

595
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:29,360
Speaker 1: they would come to me and check every box on

596
00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 1: the dating profile. Interested in white Asian I'm speaking of

597
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,120
Speaker 1: Caucasian people. But I also see this from the black

598
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 1: community as well. They check every box but black or

599
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 1: I work with black clients who are like, must must

600
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 1: be a black man, it just has to be. And

601
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:48,760
Speaker 1: then I start to unpack that with the five wise

602
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,840
Speaker 1: if you ever heard of this business technique where you

603
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 1: start with one why, and then that why leads you

604
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:57,560
Speaker 1: to the next why, and the next why and the

605
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:01,200
Speaker 1: next why. And as I asked these wise of people,

606
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 1: why does he have to be black? Or why can't

607
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:07,760
Speaker 1: he be black? And we unpack it, we realize that

608
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:11,000
Speaker 1: biases at the core. But I think there's the thing

609
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:14,120
Speaker 1: of like our bias, right, like our implicit biases that

610
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:17,640
Speaker 1: we have, and then there's the thing of attraction. What

611
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:19,680
Speaker 1: I do know for sure too is I can't make

612
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,240
Speaker 1: myself be attracted to someone that I'm not. And one

613
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 1: of the worst things I can do for myself as

614
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 1: a data is to date someone that I'm not attracted to,

615
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,560
Speaker 1: because then the physical intimacy, it becomes a chore and

616
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:35,600
Speaker 1: it's just awful. So I think getting a clarity around

617
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,080
Speaker 1: what is biased that we might have, right that our

618
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:41,960
Speaker 1: implicit bias or internalized racism if we will, or internalized agism,

619
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:44,560
Speaker 1: and then what is just I'm attracted to this person. Yeah,

620
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 1: it's just seeing who might come in when you open

621
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,640
Speaker 1: up the door to a possibility that you had completely

622
00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:54,040
Speaker 1: blocked out. I do agree with you. Race is different

623
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:58,000
Speaker 1: than age, and this is why I was saying earlier

624
00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:01,280
Speaker 1: that it's about being with somebody who wants the same

625
00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:04,200
Speaker 1: things that you do for the future. So I look

626
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:08,960
Speaker 1: at four factors of long term compatibility. There is mutual respect,

627
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:13,359
Speaker 1: of course, communication and conflict resolution. So there's communication when

628
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:15,560
Speaker 1: the times are good, but then a conflict resolution when

629
00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:17,120
Speaker 1: you run into the bumps in the road and you

630
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,560
Speaker 1: certainly will. And then the two that I feel our

631
00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:24,880
Speaker 1: most important predictors of long term compatibility are common goals

632
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:28,279
Speaker 1: for the future and shared values. And those are sometimes

633
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:30,360
Speaker 1: the things that are hard to put down on paper.

634
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:34,239
Speaker 1: What are my values? My values are to be inclusive

635
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:38,200
Speaker 1: and to be compassionate and understanding. I have these conversations

636
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 1: with my husband, who I also consider a feminist, And

637
00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:43,759
Speaker 1: there was a picture of him when he was like

638
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:47,279
Speaker 1: three years old that his mom showed me earlier when

639
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,800
Speaker 1: we were dating, and it says men of quality respect

640
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:52,520
Speaker 1: women's equality, and I was like, yes, this is the

641
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:54,200
Speaker 1: guy that I want to be with you from a

642
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,000
Speaker 1: young age. It's like we are equal. He does not

643
00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,120
Speaker 1: open doors for me. I was because he's like, you

644
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:02,200
Speaker 1: could open the door. How do you feel about that?

645
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:05,960
Speaker 1: I'm fine with it. I again, I think that we've

646
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:09,520
Speaker 1: just been sold a bill of goods from rom comms

647
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:12,680
Speaker 1: and fairy tales, and I just think none of it

648
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,920
Speaker 1: really applies to our our real lives. I think it's

649
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,799
Speaker 1: mutual respect. And every time when I look at a

650
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 1: relationship that has lasted the test of time, they have

651
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:27,359
Speaker 1: those four things, those four pillars that they're on the

652
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:30,000
Speaker 1: same page about. That's really what it is. You can

653
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,400
Speaker 1: make it through anything if you can get on the

654
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 1: same page on those things. But that's the thing with

655
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,399
Speaker 1: age is the goals for the future. So if you're

656
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:43,640
Speaker 1: dating someone that is twenty eight, they might not want

657
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:47,040
Speaker 1: the same thing that you do in the future. They

658
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:49,359
Speaker 1: might come to the conclusion in two years that they

659
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:55,720
Speaker 1: want kids. And inversely, if you're dating someone who's sixty,

660
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:58,400
Speaker 1: they might be retired and they might be like, love her,

661
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:01,000
Speaker 1: why you work in so much much? We're supposed to

662
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:04,480
Speaker 1: go to the Bahamas, you know, that's where the friction

663
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,319
Speaker 1: comes in because the lifestyles are not aligned. So I

664
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:10,120
Speaker 1: don't look specifically at the numbers, but I look at

665
00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:13,279
Speaker 1: what is the lifestyle that that person is living and

666
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:17,360
Speaker 1: wants to live, and does that align with what you want? Beautiful? Beautiful.

667
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:21,320
Speaker 1: It's time for a short break and we come back

668
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:34,439
Speaker 1: more with our guest, and of course what else is true? Oh,

669
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,440
Speaker 1: I'm loving where this conversation is going without further ado.

670
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:42,799
Speaker 1: But I think about that woman out there who may

671
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:47,359
Speaker 1: be fat or might be not attractive by conventional standards,

672
00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:50,040
Speaker 1: and it's really struggling with love. And so the space

673
00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: of knowing real love becomes really difficult because we don't

674
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:59,920
Speaker 1: fit into a lot of men's idea of what they

675
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:03,880
Speaker 1: think they want. People who don't fit into that idea

676
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,839
Speaker 1: of the perfect mate and is struggling with even like

677
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:10,080
Speaker 1: wanting to put themselves out there. What would you say

678
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:14,640
Speaker 1: to them around the search for love? Yeah, it's funny

679
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 1: that you said that, because as you were talking, I

680
00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:20,040
Speaker 1: was actually remembering my own experience. And I've been up

681
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:23,200
Speaker 1: and down the scale many times. I joke, I've lost

682
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:26,400
Speaker 1: the same ten pounds twenty times, and so I can

683
00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:29,200
Speaker 1: actually relate because one of the things that was so

684
00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:33,239
Speaker 1: frustrating for me about dating before online dating was I

685
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,799
Speaker 1: didn't feel attractive. I go out with my girlfriends and

686
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,839
Speaker 1: I would be the last one to get a phone

687
00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:42,080
Speaker 1: number or get asked to dance or whatever. And that

688
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:44,520
Speaker 1: was really that did a number on me for a

689
00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:47,440
Speaker 1: long time, because I was like, I feel like I

690
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:50,120
Speaker 1: look all right, but I guess in this dating pool,

691
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:52,799
Speaker 1: this isn't what these people are looking for. And I

692
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,200
Speaker 1: think it was that ability to say, this is not

693
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:57,880
Speaker 1: my pool, this is not my pool of people. And

694
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:03,040
Speaker 1: some of that is spying into that belief system and

695
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,360
Speaker 1: knowing that you're going to find your people. If you

696
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,600
Speaker 1: keep going, you're going to find your people, and we're

697
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:11,799
Speaker 1: going for quality over quantity. That is another thing that

698
00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:15,000
Speaker 1: a lot of women, especially women over forty, get caught

699
00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 1: up with because they're like, well, in my twenties, I

700
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,680
Speaker 1: had all of these guys, but now I'm in my forties,

701
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:24,680
Speaker 1: it feels like nothing's happening. And that's because not all

702
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:26,359
Speaker 1: of those people are going to be for you. Yes,

703
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:30,280
Speaker 1: the dating pool does does change, but we're only looking

704
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:34,080
Speaker 1: for one and I'm speaking to people who are looking

705
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:38,560
Speaker 1: for monogamy. That's most of my audience. So that said,

706
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,160
Speaker 1: there is a person out there for you, and if

707
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:44,759
Speaker 1: you're not feeling the love that person, I have this

708
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:48,080
Speaker 1: thank and release strategy like Marie Condo. I I say, Okay,

709
00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:51,840
Speaker 1: that person wasn't for me. I thank them for whatever

710
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,320
Speaker 1: it was that brought them to me, and I released

711
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:57,200
Speaker 1: them back into the wild. And then I focus my

712
00:38:57,239 --> 00:39:01,920
Speaker 1: attention on what what do I really want and finding

713
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,920
Speaker 1: somebody who is going to align with that, because we

714
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:08,520
Speaker 1: can get really off track thinking about all of the

715
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:13,520
Speaker 1: what if should have beens that person that fetishized us,

716
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:17,360
Speaker 1: or that dissed us or whatever. But don't give the

717
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 1: energy to those people you're feeling exhausted because you're giving

718
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:24,240
Speaker 1: an energy, save it. Conserve the energy for the people

719
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:27,359
Speaker 1: who are going to be appreciative of all the things.

720
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,720
Speaker 1: And I have also found love for women of all

721
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 1: different body types. And I know that men men are

722
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:38,680
Speaker 1: looking for women of all shapes and sizes, and I

723
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:42,239
Speaker 1: find that women are so much harder on ourselves and

724
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:44,600
Speaker 1: our bodies. And I say this speaking also from my

725
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:47,960
Speaker 1: own experience. So many times I'm just like, oh, I

726
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:50,200
Speaker 1: think it's so bad, and this I can't wear that,

727
00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:54,040
Speaker 1: and my husband is like, I don't even see that.

728
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:58,160
Speaker 1: Someone told me this this phrase many years ago. Don't

729
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:03,120
Speaker 1: yuck somebody else's yum. It's like the food. If you're

730
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:05,640
Speaker 1: eating food with somebody and then you're like, oh, girls,

731
00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:07,960
Speaker 1: I can't believe. Like I hate avocado. I can't believe

732
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:11,680
Speaker 1: you love avocado. It's disgusting. But I say the same

733
00:40:11,719 --> 00:40:15,760
Speaker 1: thing with dating. If I'm like, oh, my body looks terrible,

734
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:19,560
Speaker 1: I can't believe anybody would find as attractive. How is

735
00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 1: he going to get excited looking at my body if

736
00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:26,359
Speaker 1: he thinks that you think your body is undateable or unattractive.

737
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:31,680
Speaker 1: So it starts always with our relationship to ourselves, with anything,

738
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:35,600
Speaker 1: particularly love and dating that I need to feel enough

739
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:41,160
Speaker 1: and being okay alone. I found it has been really

740
00:40:41,239 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 1: crucial to being able to be partnered with someone else

741
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,200
Speaker 1: and then need to even date. You said something about

742
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:49,840
Speaker 1: monogamy and the one. Do you believe in the concept

743
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:52,360
Speaker 1: of the one and that one soulmate who's going to

744
00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:55,839
Speaker 1: hate complete as? Obviously I don't believe in another human

745
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:58,600
Speaker 1: being completing me. But what are your thoughts on soulmates

746
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 1: and the concept of the one? Know? I don't think

747
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:03,600
Speaker 1: there's no one. I think there are a lot of ones.

748
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 1: And this concept of finding the one, it's funny. I

749
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:12,160
Speaker 1: just did on Instagram survey on this and sev the

750
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,719
Speaker 1: people said they do believe in the one, They do

751
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:17,120
Speaker 1: believe in soulmates, and I think it keeps a lot

752
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:23,000
Speaker 1: of people single because you're like the grass is always greener,

753
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 1: this person is good, but could there be something better?

754
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:29,080
Speaker 1: Because this person feels like a good match. But are

755
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:32,200
Speaker 1: they my soul mate? Are they the one? And if

756
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:35,760
Speaker 1: you broaden out, you're thinking to any of these people

757
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:39,600
Speaker 1: could be possible matches, then you're not searching for a

758
00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:42,399
Speaker 1: needle in a haystack. And then I feel that that

759
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:45,840
Speaker 1: gives you the hope to be able to keep going.

760
00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:50,479
Speaker 1: And you said something that I think is really really key, um,

761
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 1: because if we hear a lot about self love, love yourself,

762
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,000
Speaker 1: and I feel like everybody now is like, wait, what

763
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,759
Speaker 1: does that even mean? But you said it it's like

764
00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:01,759
Speaker 1: being alone and being okay. And I had to go

765
00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:05,840
Speaker 1: through this this journey myself as well. I I remember

766
00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:07,920
Speaker 1: I was feeling my time and I know a lot

767
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 1: of your listeners can relate to this. I had every

768
00:42:10,719 --> 00:42:15,279
Speaker 1: inch of my schedule blocked, and my coach said, I

769
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:18,439
Speaker 1: want you to block out time for yourself the same

770
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,520
Speaker 1: way that you would give time to another person or

771
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:24,120
Speaker 1: another job. Block out that time and treat that like

772
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:27,719
Speaker 1: that is golden. You cannot cancel on yourself. Then when

773
00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:30,719
Speaker 1: the more that I started planning that solo time, the

774
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 1: more I started to look forward to that solo time,

775
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:35,200
Speaker 1: and then I started to figure out what do I

776
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:38,120
Speaker 1: enjoy doing apart from someone else, Because if you're going

777
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:41,359
Speaker 1: from relationship to the relationship, you know what you used

778
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,600
Speaker 1: to do with them, what they liked to do. But

779
00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:47,680
Speaker 1: do you really know do you really know what makes

780
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:52,680
Speaker 1: you feel fulfilled, what makes you feel calm, what what

781
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:56,920
Speaker 1: you truly enjoy And a lot of people need to

782
00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:59,520
Speaker 1: go on that journey of self discovery to get to

783
00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:02,560
Speaker 1: that place that you just said that you're at, like

784
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:08,800
Speaker 1: being comfortable knowing that you're alone and that's okay because

785
00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:11,640
Speaker 1: you have yourself. I think the one thing I want

786
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:15,600
Speaker 1: to say about self love is that it's about for me.

787
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:18,600
Speaker 1: It's about how I treat myself and what I say

788
00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:22,200
Speaker 1: to myself about myself. Because I'm so addicted to negative

789
00:43:22,239 --> 00:43:25,399
Speaker 1: self talk. I'm so addicted to the you. I look fat,

790
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,439
Speaker 1: I look ugly, I look all this that I say

791
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 1: subconsciously and don't even realize I'm saying to myself. And

792
00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 1: that is something that I do imperfectly on a daily basis,

793
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:36,560
Speaker 1: but it is when I can do it, it is

794
00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:41,200
Speaker 1: really really beautiful work, really beautiful work. So one other

795
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:43,480
Speaker 1: thing I want to ask you before my last question,

796
00:43:43,719 --> 00:43:46,160
Speaker 1: and that is the online piece, right, because if you're

797
00:43:46,440 --> 00:43:48,520
Speaker 1: dating at any age, I think I've always told people

798
00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:50,319
Speaker 1: if you want to be in the dating game, you

799
00:43:50,320 --> 00:43:52,000
Speaker 1: have to be on the apps. But I think with

800
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:55,240
Speaker 1: apps there's so many options, Like it's hard to commit

801
00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 1: to one person when there's another person to swipe away.

802
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:02,360
Speaker 1: And there's the fatigue of it all, right, of constantly

803
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:05,279
Speaker 1: swiping because I match with so many men who never

804
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:08,120
Speaker 1: even message me even though I mrs First, I've been

805
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,360
Speaker 1: doing that for a minute. Is their way to mitigate

806
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:15,640
Speaker 1: that or navigate that? What? What? Girl? Help? Because it's exhausting. Yes,

807
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,799
Speaker 1: the fatigue can be overwhelming if you don't have a

808
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:22,200
Speaker 1: process around it, right. So I have my clients actually

809
00:44:22,239 --> 00:44:24,240
Speaker 1: block in the time, like this is how many hours

810
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:27,920
Speaker 1: I'm going to devote to swiping, and I like to

811
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:30,319
Speaker 1: have my clients on two apps at a time. I

812
00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:33,120
Speaker 1: find that more than two at a time can be

813
00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:36,439
Speaker 1: a little bit overwhelming to manage all of the communication

814
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:39,480
Speaker 1: coming in, and less than two doesn't give you the

815
00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:42,200
Speaker 1: best chance at success. Thank you for saying that we

816
00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:44,160
Speaker 1: should be on the apps, because this is a daily

817
00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:46,320
Speaker 1: fight that I have with people who have this fantasy

818
00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:48,160
Speaker 1: of but that's not the story that I want to

819
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,799
Speaker 1: tell my friends. I'm not going I don't see me

820
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:54,319
Speaker 1: meeting my person on a dating app. And I'm like, well, then,

821
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:57,640
Speaker 1: how do you see in today's world, especially in a pandemic,

822
00:44:57,680 --> 00:44:59,560
Speaker 1: how do you think it's going to happen. It's just

823
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:02,480
Speaker 1: the most efficient way for most people to date. And

824
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:04,799
Speaker 1: I have tons of other strategies which we will not

825
00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:07,080
Speaker 1: have time to get into today of how you can

826
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:10,680
Speaker 1: meet someone I r L or online, but off of

827
00:45:10,719 --> 00:45:14,359
Speaker 1: the dating app specifically. But the reality is there's so

828
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:17,080
Speaker 1: much more labor intensive. So you think you're exhausted now

829
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:19,960
Speaker 1: on the dating apps, honey, let me tell you about

830
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:22,200
Speaker 1: the other things and then you'll be like running back

831
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:24,480
Speaker 1: to the dating app, but just to really put some

832
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:27,920
Speaker 1: framework around it for yourself. So I'm going to do

833
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:30,440
Speaker 1: this app for a month, and I find that between

834
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:33,480
Speaker 1: four and six weeks is when the dating app options

835
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,719
Speaker 1: tend to wane, and that's when people start to get

836
00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:39,439
Speaker 1: anxious and frustrated because they feel like, oh, now I've

837
00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:41,440
Speaker 1: done all this work and I'm down to the bottom

838
00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:44,800
Speaker 1: of the barrel. You then cycle in your second app,

839
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:47,520
Speaker 1: and you pull back on your first app, so it

840
00:45:47,560 --> 00:45:50,120
Speaker 1: always feels like you have a pool of new matches

841
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:52,919
Speaker 1: and it always feels like something is happening, and then

842
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:56,120
Speaker 1: you can cycle back to the first one once you've

843
00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:59,400
Speaker 1: done four to six weeks on that other. So usually

844
00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:02,000
Speaker 1: by that time, most of my clients are in relationships

845
00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:04,719
Speaker 1: within three months when they date with this kind of

846
00:46:04,719 --> 00:46:08,200
Speaker 1: clarity and purpose. But if you get to that three

847
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:11,560
Speaker 1: month point and you're like, I'm just exhausted and I've

848
00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:14,960
Speaker 1: cycled did what Tamona said, I cycled through the apps.

849
00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:18,480
Speaker 1: There's nobody out here. Just take a break, take two

850
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:21,399
Speaker 1: to four weeks. Take a break. I'm going to work

851
00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 1: on myself. I'm going to get comfortable in my solo hood,

852
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:27,279
Speaker 1: and then I might think about going back on the

853
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:28,880
Speaker 1: app in a month and give yourself a time that

854
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:30,960
Speaker 1: you'll go back to it, because that's the other thing.

855
00:46:31,239 --> 00:46:33,319
Speaker 1: People push the whole thing away and they say, oh,

856
00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:36,000
Speaker 1: I'm too overwhelmed. I'm just not going to do it,

857
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:39,279
Speaker 1: and then you find yourself six months later going, wait

858
00:46:39,320 --> 00:46:41,799
Speaker 1: a minute, I could have been in a relationship by now,

859
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:44,040
Speaker 1: I could have been going on dates, but I just

860
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:47,520
Speaker 1: I got so overwhelmed that I pushed the whole thing away.

861
00:46:47,560 --> 00:46:49,360
Speaker 1: And that's not a place that I want anybody to

862
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:55,440
Speaker 1: get to. Wow. Wow. So having a really clear process around,

863
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:59,319
Speaker 1: a plan around the apps can help mitigate some of

864
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:02,200
Speaker 1: that exhaust and some of that Like, it's very overwhelming

865
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:06,479
Speaker 1: at times. For sure, I've definitely experienced that myself. Wow,

866
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:09,680
Speaker 1: demon a girl, you have like given me so much

867
00:47:09,719 --> 00:47:12,080
Speaker 1: to think about and hopefully given so many of our

868
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:13,960
Speaker 1: listeners out there so much to think about. I like

869
00:47:14,120 --> 00:47:17,640
Speaker 1: to end with this question, what else is true? And

870
00:47:17,719 --> 00:47:21,560
Speaker 1: this question comes from both and this right in a

871
00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:25,040
Speaker 1: world where things can be very, very challenging, I think

872
00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:28,359
Speaker 1: it's been really great to be able to focus on

873
00:47:28,400 --> 00:47:32,239
Speaker 1: what is neutral and positive in my life. So for you,

874
00:47:32,360 --> 00:47:35,520
Speaker 1: right now, at this moment and these these most challenging

875
00:47:35,560 --> 00:47:42,360
Speaker 1: of times, what else is true for you? MM? Hmm. Wow,

876
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:44,920
Speaker 1: that is such. That is such a good question, And

877
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 1: I really love this idea of duality, right, that you

878
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:52,160
Speaker 1: can hold two things that are on the surface opposing

879
00:47:52,239 --> 00:47:56,400
Speaker 1: at the same time. So I would say it is

880
00:47:56,440 --> 00:48:04,600
Speaker 1: true that I appreciating being quarantined with my family and

881
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:08,120
Speaker 1: at the same time ready for this to end. I

882
00:48:08,160 --> 00:48:11,359
Speaker 1: feel like I've learned so much about my kids and

883
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:15,200
Speaker 1: my husband and I have really clarified our communication during

884
00:48:15,239 --> 00:48:20,319
Speaker 1: this time, and that has been so valuable, and I

885
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:23,400
Speaker 1: don't see it ending anytime soon. But I really like

886
00:48:23,520 --> 00:48:26,000
Speaker 1: to look for the silver lining. Yeah, this is the

887
00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:28,239
Speaker 1: most awful thing that is ever going to happen to

888
00:48:28,360 --> 00:48:30,799
Speaker 1: us in our lifetimes, I think for most of us,

889
00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:35,879
Speaker 1: and we're gonna be okay. Like when something I don't

890
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:39,360
Speaker 1: want to have happen happens, I say, where is the

891
00:48:39,480 --> 00:48:43,960
Speaker 1: lesson here? And sometimes it doesn't reveal itself immediately, but

892
00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:47,759
Speaker 1: in time it usually does, and I know that I'm

893
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:53,359
Speaker 1: the better and the stronger for having gone through it. Absolutely.

894
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:58,000
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Demona Hoffman. That way, it's incredible

895
00:48:58,360 --> 00:49:02,240
Speaker 1: you can find Ammona on her own podcast dates and mates.

896
00:49:02,560 --> 00:49:06,240
Speaker 1: Where else can folks find your Demona I'm on Instagram, Twitter,

897
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:11,720
Speaker 1: Facebook at Demona Hoffman and also at dates and mates

898
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:13,600
Speaker 1: dot com and I have some free goodies there for

899
00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:16,399
Speaker 1: your listeners if they go check out the podcast and

900
00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:21,719
Speaker 1: they can get their online dating life in order as well. Amazing.

901
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Demona Hoffman, you are incredible. Thank you,

902
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 1: Thank you, Laverne. Demona gave us so very much to

903
00:49:33,239 --> 00:49:38,080
Speaker 1: think about, so many tools, and I think that's all

904
00:49:38,120 --> 00:49:41,960
Speaker 1: really really useful. I think where I'm at now is

905
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:46,240
Speaker 1: that when I go back out there into dating land,

906
00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:48,680
Speaker 1: into app land, that I want to make sure that

907
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:51,799
Speaker 1: I do it from a place of worthiness and I

908
00:49:51,840 --> 00:49:55,400
Speaker 1: am worthy of connection and belonging, that I'm worthy of love,

909
00:49:55,880 --> 00:50:00,560
Speaker 1: and that I am lovable, and that I spreads the

910
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:06,799
Speaker 1: deepest love towards myself, because, as RuPaul reminds us, how

911
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:08,320
Speaker 1: the hell you go and love somebody else if you

912
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:12,919
Speaker 1: don't love yourself. So good luck on your search for love.

913
00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:20,920
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to the Laverne Cox Show. If

914
00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:24,120
Speaker 1: you like what you here, please rate, review, subscribe, and

915
00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:28,440
Speaker 1: share with everyone you know. Next week, we'll be talking

916
00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:32,680
Speaker 1: with author and fat activist Virgie Tobar about fat phobia

917
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:36,440
Speaker 1: and diet culture. You can find me on Instagram and

918
00:50:36,480 --> 00:50:39,880
Speaker 1: Twitter at Laverne Cox and on Facebook at Laverne Cox

919
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:47,160
Speaker 1: for Real. Until next time, stay in the love. The

920
00:50:47,239 --> 00:50:50,080
Speaker 1: Laverne Cox Show is a production of Shondaland Audio in

921
00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:54,240
Speaker 1: partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,

922
00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:58,120
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever

923
00:50:58,160 --> 00:50:59,600
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.