WEBVTT - Re-Release: Colman Domingo 0:00:02.640 --> 0:00:04.760 I'm just waiting for this is the this is now 0:00:04.800 --> 0:00:07.720 the recycling truck that's gone on because the other guy 0:00:07.840 --> 0:00:08.119 was just. 0:00:08.039 --> 0:00:09.160 The regular trash. 0:00:09.400 --> 0:00:13.440 Thank you, Johnny, Johnny, I see him out. 0:00:13.480 --> 0:00:19.279 Great, Johnny's green, perfect. Great, there's another garbage. 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:21.360 Yeah, I don't know what. He's going back the other 0:00:21.400 --> 0:00:24.840 way now. And something's happening in my little community. There's 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:26.360 a lot of trash happening. 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:28.440 There's a lot of garbage happening. You know what. It's 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:29.520 after the fourth of July. 0:00:29.880 --> 0:00:32.880 That's probably You're exactly right. He's doing a double pass. 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:36.279 Great, he's like, Wow. People went crazy, especially since they 0:00:36.280 --> 0:00:41.920 were finally able to be social, so there's lots of trash. 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:46.639 Hello, I'm mini driver and welcome to many questions. I've 0:00:46.640 --> 0:00:50.440 always loved Bruce's questionnaiw. It was originally an eighteenth century 0:00:50.440 --> 0:00:54.120 parlor game meant to reveal an individual's true nature. But 0:00:54.200 --> 0:00:57.120 with so many questions, there wasn't really an opportunity to 0:00:57.160 --> 0:01:00.000 expand on anything. So I took the format of Pruce's 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:03.040 questionnaire and adapted what I think are se one of 0:01:03.040 --> 0:01:06.480 the most important questions you could ever ask someone they 0:01:06.560 --> 0:01:10.880 are when and where were you happiest what is the 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:16.319 quality you like least about yourself? What relationship, real or fictionalized, 0:01:16.480 --> 0:01:20.840 defines love for you? What question would you most like answered, 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:26.040 What person, place, or experience has shaped you the most? 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:30.520 What would be your last meal? And can you tell 0:01:30.560 --> 0:01:33.319 me something in your life that has grown out of 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:37.560 a personal disaster. The more people we ask, the more 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:40.160 we begin to see what makes us similar and what 0:01:40.240 --> 0:01:44.679 makes us individual. I've gathered a group of really remarkable 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:46.920 people who I am honored and humbled to have had 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:50.760 a chance to engage with. My guest today on many 0:01:50.880 --> 0:01:55.640 questions is actor, producer and director Coleman do minga. Coleman 0:01:56.040 --> 0:01:59.720 is what I would call a connector. He connects people 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:03.480 and ideas and moves through the world with a kind 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:07.720 of creative joy. I sometimes imagine him like a fairy 0:02:07.760 --> 0:02:11.080 tale princess lost in the forest, where the path lights 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:14.880 up with every step that they take, and they're followed 0:02:14.919 --> 0:02:19.480 by a gentle chorus of butterflies and birds. He is 0:02:20.120 --> 0:02:25.280 pretty incandescent. We talked about life and love, and particularly 0:02:25.280 --> 0:02:30.400 about change and how it's both a gift and a blight. 0:02:31.040 --> 0:02:33.600 I left our conversation with a smile on my face 0:02:33.840 --> 0:02:41.520 that has actually yet to recede. What person, place, or 0:02:41.600 --> 0:02:44.240 experience has most altered your life? 0:02:47.240 --> 0:02:52.400 Oh wow, I would say San Francisco. I moved to 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:56.360 San Francisco when I was twenty years old, and I 0:02:56.360 --> 0:02:58.680 thought I was moving to San Francisco to become an artist. 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:01.359 That I became a man. I thought I was going 0:03:01.360 --> 0:03:03.920 to become an actor. I became an artist there. It 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:08.680 was transformative to me because I moved there just did 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:11.399 redefine myself with very honest hat. A buddy who moved 0:03:11.400 --> 0:03:15.080 to San Francisco after college and he was like, Hey, 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:18.040 I got this place in Nintendoline District. There's nothing but 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:20.440 you know, street walkers and dereluxts, you name it. In 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:23.080 the neighborhood. We live in a studio. You want to 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:25.320 come and live in a studio with us. I'm like, absolutely, 0:03:25.560 --> 0:03:27.359 because that's what you do when you're twenty years old. 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:29.880 You live with four other dudes in a studio apartment. 0:03:30.160 --> 0:03:35.400 And I literally slept in a closet. But it was 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:37.840 a place where I feel like I grew the most, 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:40.440 and I sort of redefined myself in every single way. 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:42.920 I grew my hair out, I started to do hippie 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:46.320 drum circles and do you know watsu and be on 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:50.040 the beach naked. I became another version of myself. I 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:54.000 became this weirdo artist boy. And then I got even 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:56.720 more focused in terms of like what I believed, my intentions, 0:03:56.760 --> 0:03:59.440 where my purpose was, which was being an artist. So 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:03.440 San Francis go hold so much of my heart because 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:05.640 although I grew up in Philadelphia, I felt like I 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:08.400 was raised in San Francisco and I was there for 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:11.320 ten years. You were Yeah, I was in San Francisco 0:04:11.400 --> 0:04:13.080 from ten ninety one to two thousand and one. 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:15.520 Wow. Yeah, did you become an act to that? 0:04:16.040 --> 0:04:18.599 Yeah? I became an actor there. I had this inkling. 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:20.640 I took a few classes at the Walnut Street Theater 0:04:20.720 --> 0:04:23.000 School in at Temple University, and then I moved to 0:04:23.000 --> 0:04:26.440 San Francisco just you know, with questions and wanted to 0:04:26.480 --> 0:04:29.160 try things. And then I started get cast and then 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:31.640 I had to actually learn about what I was actually doing. 0:04:31.760 --> 0:04:35.800 So my productions were my conservatory, my books, my mind's 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:38.400 and my Stantaslavsky you name it by Udah Hagan. Respect 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:41.320 for acting. I learned blocking by doing it, by wondering 0:04:41.360 --> 0:04:43.599 what is blocking? What are they writing on stage? So anyway, 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:46.279 I became a theater artist in San Francisco, and I 0:04:46.360 --> 0:04:50.359 learned to respect the theater and respect craftsmanship, and you know, 0:04:50.400 --> 0:04:53.320 I was securely in the theater for you know, I 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:56.240 would say twenty six years in my career was fully 0:04:56.680 --> 0:04:59.400 majority ly up on the stage and writing for the 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:03.080 stage and direct Yeah. Wow, golly. 0:05:03.279 --> 0:05:05.159 I always wanted to work in the theater and I 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:09.320 could just never get cast. I remember I lived. I 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:12.000 live around the corner from the Royal Court, which is 0:05:12.000 --> 0:05:15.320 this amazing theater in London. This incredible artistic director at 0:05:15.320 --> 0:05:17.359 the time of this guy called Max Stafford Clark. I 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:19.800 literally used to go and I'd talk my way in 0:05:19.880 --> 0:05:23.040 through the theater and they'd be rehearsing in the studio whatever, 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:24.760 and I'd find my way to his office and I'd 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:29.000 be like hello, and he'd be like yes, and I'd 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:33.119 be like, I'm a local actor. I need to work. 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:38.599 I've auditioned a hundred times. Can you give me a job? 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:42.560 And he would look at my resume and he would go, yeah, well, 0:05:42.600 --> 0:05:45.120 you've got no theater on here, and I was like, no, 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:50.400 I know, so we can we can get some theater 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:53.960 on there. I used to badger him and it was 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:56.680 so funny. I just never I don't know what it was. 0:05:56.839 --> 0:05:59.880 I kept getting cast in television, and when you're young, 0:06:00.120 --> 0:06:01.640 you know, obviously you've got to pay the bills, you 0:06:01.720 --> 0:06:03.400 got to do whatever comes your way. But I never 0:06:03.440 --> 0:06:05.440 got any of the theater work. I don't really have 0:06:05.520 --> 0:06:09.240 many regrets, but that is definitely one of mine, is 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:11.320 that I'd read them a million times, but I never 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:13.279 got to play those women that I read. 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:16.479 It's not too late, I think you never know when 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:19.400 I don't know, maybe you've been just dating and holding 0:06:19.440 --> 0:06:22.440 this in for so long, but maybe that theatrical experience 0:06:22.520 --> 0:06:24.839 will now blossom out of you at this time. 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:29.440 Why not you never know? I had a dream. I 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:31.760 had a dream the other night. I'm not kidding. It 0:06:31.800 --> 0:06:34.159 has never been my dream to play Juliet. By the way, 0:06:34.240 --> 0:06:38.440 she's one of the least interesting women, right I've wanted 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:41.520 to play. I actually auditioned for drama school in the 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:46.760 role of Volumnia, Carilinus's mother. So I was seventeen playing, 0:06:47.040 --> 0:06:49.960 you know, a woman in her late thirties early forties, 0:06:50.160 --> 0:06:52.160 and they were so bemused. I think that's why they 0:06:52.200 --> 0:06:53.440 kind of gave me a call back. They were like, 0:06:53.480 --> 0:06:56.520 it's this weird child like playing a middle aged woman 0:06:56.680 --> 0:06:59.640 with a grown up warrior son. Like what you do? 0:07:00.440 --> 0:07:02.080 I was like, I saw Judy, don't do it. It 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:02.839 was amazing. 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:05.560 And they were like, if you. 0:07:05.520 --> 0:07:07.040 Took it upon yourself to think. 0:07:06.920 --> 0:07:08.440 That would be a good idea. 0:07:08.720 --> 0:07:10.240 I had this dream the other night that I was 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:13.960 playing Juliet. It was so funny, and in one of 0:07:14.000 --> 0:07:16.240 the scenes with Romeo, it was actually the scene where 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:20.240 they're respectively taking poison, and I sat up and went, 0:07:20.880 --> 0:07:23.760 I want to be you, I don't want to be me. 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:27.320 Can we switch? And he said, well, yeah, but we're 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:28.760 both still going to die. 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:34.640 It was quite a cool dream that it's fantastic. 0:07:36.360 --> 0:07:43.120 Oh my god, Where and when were you happiest? 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:47.120 Immediately? The first thing I think about is with my mother. 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:53.440 I think probably sitting in the kitchen of our row 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:59.000 home in Philadelphia around nineteen seventy nine. I'm probably doing 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:01.920 my homework at the kitchen table while my mother's cooking. 0:08:02.240 --> 0:08:03.880 And when she would cook, like in the summer or 0:08:03.920 --> 0:08:06.000 something like that, she would cook in her bra. She 0:08:06.120 --> 0:08:09.360 was cooking her bra and her slip, and so I 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:11.200 just thought, I don't know that's where my mother cooks. 0:08:11.240 --> 0:08:14.880 She gets very comfortable and she usually I can see 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:17.480 her frying chicken and she's sweating a little bit, but 0:08:17.560 --> 0:08:20.600 she's also teaching me. She loved that I was curious 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.880 about how she did things in the kitchen and something 0:08:23.920 --> 0:08:26.040 about that just with a mother's love and a kitchen. 0:08:26.040 --> 0:08:29.200 My mother always just she was just a real cool, 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:33.199 fun sweet woman. She's no longer with us, and I'm 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:36.800 not seed to angelicize someone, but my mother was really awesome. 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:40.360 She was funny and fun and interesting and always curious 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:43.160 and inspiring me to be curious as well. So, you know, 0:08:43.320 --> 0:08:45.839 late seventies, early ladies, sitting in the kitchen with my mom. 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:49.360 Do you think those are the cornerstones of happiness for you, 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:56.040 which is comfort and homeliness and feeling safe. 0:08:57.040 --> 0:08:59.600 Yeah, I think many. That's why I tend to have 0:08:59.679 --> 0:09:03.199 people over to any apartment or house that I've ever had. 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:06.640 I'm always the hub. People know that I will have 0:09:06.679 --> 0:09:09.600 a dinner party just because come over for dinner. I 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:12.319 love to feed people. I have a beautiful garden pool, 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:15.239 and I want people over enjoying it at all times, 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:17.520 because I think that's what maybe I was taught that 0:09:17.679 --> 0:09:19.600 you share these things, you always have a sense of 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:22.360 love and comfort and safety when you have people around. 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:25.720 I love that. It's so funny because you'd invited us 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:29.160 over on July fourth, and I wish I could have 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:34.720 got there, because your home does look absolutely spectacular. It 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:36.959 looks like it's set up for you to never leave. 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:41.440 It, you know what. Listen, we're the second owners after 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:45.120 the first owners built the house, and it was built 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:48.720 by a Jewish doctor and his wife in nineteen sixty four, 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:51.600 and he built it to be the house that he's 0:09:51.640 --> 0:09:54.400 in forever, and he was until he was ill and 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:56.920 his wife was ill, and then the house went to 0:09:56.960 --> 0:10:00.760 the children, and then they finally sold it to us. 0:10:00.800 --> 0:10:04.000 And I feel, honestly like the caretaker of the house. 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:05.880 I feel less like, oh, I bought a house and 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:07.240 we made it our own. But I felt like I 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.360 wanted to love this house because you could tell it 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:11.600 was loved. You couldn't feel it. And when anyone comes 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:13.400 over to the house, they're like, oh, no one ever 0:10:13.400 --> 0:10:15.960 wants to leave. By the way my party it started out, 0:10:16.000 --> 0:10:17.480 I was like, oh, we'll have an afternoon hang. It 0:10:17.559 --> 0:10:19.760 started at two o'clock and it didn't undil two thirty 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:20.199 in the morning. 0:10:20.440 --> 0:10:22.320 Oh my god, I wish we'd come. 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:25.959 It's that house, I'm telling you, and it happens consistently. 0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:28.160 I'm just like, no one ever wants to leave my house. 0:10:28.400 --> 0:10:31.000 I want people to feel loved, and so I'm like, 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:33.600 take a nap. There, go jump in the pool, there, 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:37.600 go use this. There's lotions, whatever you need. The house 0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:38.440 is open for you. 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:42.240 You know, it's a very particular thing being a host, 0:10:42.320 --> 0:10:44.040 and there is a huge amount of generosity. And I 0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:45.520 must say that's what I think of when I think 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:50.120 of you as an actor. Thank you, generosity. Being part 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:54.760 of a cast or a collection of actors, it's such 0:10:54.760 --> 0:10:56.319 a particular mindset. 0:10:56.480 --> 0:10:59.080 Well, you know, it's wild. I think I've always approached 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:03.320 what we do many as a service job, that we 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:06.880 truly are in service. And I think those routes started 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:09.360 in the theater, where it's like I knew the task, 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:12.840 I knew what the assignment was, which was to be 0:11:12.880 --> 0:11:14.880 in service to the audience, to be in service to 0:11:14.920 --> 0:11:17.800 the story, be in service to what we're creating, to 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:20.000 not come in with any preconceived notions, but do as 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:22.400 much as I can and then see what I bring 0:11:22.480 --> 0:11:25.360 to the table and then welcome what someone else brings in. 0:11:25.640 --> 0:11:28.120 To be honest, if I know one good thing about myself, 0:11:28.960 --> 0:11:32.080 I may not be the best at many things, but 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:34.440 I know I'm a good host, and I know that. 0:11:34.440 --> 0:11:36.720 That's why I become a director, because I know how 0:11:36.720 --> 0:11:39.960 to throw a good party. I think there are skills 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.160 of yours that you need. You're like, oh no, I 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:44.319 know my parties are good because I know about the music, 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.720 who to invite, why to invite them, the kind of vibe. 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:50.559 I'm curating the whole thing, you know, and I'm leading 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:53.440 the vision and then just welcoming what everyone brings to it, 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:56.320 like bring something, bring a cake, bring nothing, bring your 0:11:56.320 --> 0:11:59.360 bathings to but bring something that is going to help 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:05.000 generate this huge, I don't know, epic experiment of communication 0:12:05.120 --> 0:12:07.360 and love. That's why I invited you, guys. I felt 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:09.880 like I knew what you would bring and whatever that is, 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:10.360 you know. 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:15.479 I would have bought ribs and a good attitude. 0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:20.400 Oh yes, thank you for bringing the ribs. I appreciate that. 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:24.160 Pork ribs or beef ribs, many pork or beef pork ribs, 0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:26.640 pork ribs, same here. Thank you I'm committed to pork. 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:28.480 I don't understand the beef ribs. Too big, too. 0:12:28.440 --> 0:12:31.160 Much, too big, and too much. 0:12:30.960 --> 0:12:34.640 Too big, too gaming exactly. Yes, thank you so many. 0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:36.120 I knew you were invited to the cookout. 0:12:36.160 --> 0:12:40.439 I know I'm coming to another cookout. I want to 0:12:40.480 --> 0:12:42.440 stay at a party till two thirty in the morning. 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:47.240 That's amazing. It just kept going, Oh, I love it. 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:49.760 I love it when the right people won't leave. It's 0:12:49.800 --> 0:12:53.320 the worst thing when the wrong people start. But then 0:12:53.360 --> 0:12:55.880 you really have only yourself to blame for having invited 0:12:55.920 --> 0:12:59.720 them in the first place. So you just talked about 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:02.760 being able to appreciate that about yourself, which I love 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:05.839 so much because it means that you can actually consciously 0:13:05.880 --> 0:13:08.280 add that the things you know you like about yourself, 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:10.720 you can consciously bring them to the things that you 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:23.240 do in the way you move through the world. So 0:13:23.320 --> 0:13:28.440 tell me what relationship, real or fictionalized, defines love for you. 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:31.480 I think, to be honest, I just have to say 0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:36.120 to my husband, m Raoul is one of a kind. 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:40.480 I admire him. We've been together for seventeen years, and 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:43.160 I really admire him. It's not only just about our love, 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:48.320 but it's also about our brotherhood, about our friendship, about 0:13:48.320 --> 0:13:51.520 our patients with each other, about a stepping outside of 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:54.040 the unit and saying what do you need? Where are you? 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:57.959 And he's gone off and saved whales turtles. He went 0:13:57.960 --> 0:14:00.120 off and he went to a turtle arm custory. It 0:14:00.200 --> 0:14:01.839 for a month. We didn't peak to each other for 0:14:01.880 --> 0:14:03.600 a month because he was committed to this thing. I 0:14:03.640 --> 0:14:05.440 went to London for a while for six months to 0:14:05.480 --> 0:14:08.000 do a couple plays, and his schedule woudn't allow him 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:09.960 to be there. But I was like, go on your journey, 0:14:10.440 --> 0:14:13.040 trust that I'm here for you. It doesn't fracture our 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:16.040 relationship as anything. It allows us to grow in another 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:19.000 way that it allows us to be independent in some way. 0:14:19.200 --> 0:14:21.320 When we first met seventeen years ago, I'd been through 0:14:21.680 --> 0:14:25.840 a couple other relationships and I was sort of exhausted 0:14:25.920 --> 0:14:28.480 with presenting the person that you want me to be 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:31.160 at a relationship and actually denying actually who I was, 0:14:31.720 --> 0:14:34.240 and vice versa. I was like, no, so actually I 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:36.640 became an interrogation when our first dates, it was like, 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:38.160 what are you really about? Who are you? What do 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:40.000 you really like? What do you want? Because I want 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:42.280 to know who you really were. Don't be afraid tell 0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:44.320 me exactly the things that you think are ugly about 0:14:44.320 --> 0:14:46.200 yourself that are beautiful and that you hope you can 0:14:46.280 --> 0:14:48.520 be better. Because if we're really dealing with each other 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:50.640 in that way, that's real love. I think. I think 0:14:50.680 --> 0:14:53.840 I'm experiencing real love with him because it does mean 0:14:54.000 --> 0:14:56.960 we can truly be and exist and accept each other 0:14:57.000 --> 0:14:58.960 for who we are and also inspire each other to 0:14:58.960 --> 0:14:59.640 be a little different. 0:14:59.680 --> 0:15:02.920 You know, do you think that it's different like that 0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:05.920 what you just said, This is what real love is. 0:15:06.000 --> 0:15:07.600 This is what it is I think I'm living in. 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:10.000 Do you think it's very different to the idea that 0:15:10.040 --> 0:15:12.480 you had growing up of what love was? Because I 0:15:12.560 --> 0:15:15.680 know my love is. I can't believe it. I love 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:18.200 this person that I am with so much, but in 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:20.360 this way that I never thought love would be this, 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:22.440 but it is. I always thought it was something else, 0:15:22.480 --> 0:15:25.720 and actually my previous thoughts were erroneous. It wasn't that. 0:15:26.520 --> 0:15:27.040 It is this. 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:29.600 I agree, Mannie. I agree because I think a lot 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:31.440 of times were taught that with love you have to 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:33.520 give up something. I don't think it's about giving up, 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:37.880 It's about like being open to shift or grow. But 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:41.040 I think it's like I've always believed that love was available. 0:15:41.360 --> 0:15:43.560 That's something that I know that some of my friends 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:46.960 have not thought or believed, or they come into believing, oh, 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:49.000 my relationship will be these things, and they have these 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:50.880 parameters set up. Oh it must be this, it must 0:15:50.880 --> 0:15:52.960 look like this, and like you're creating something in your 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:55.960 own mind that doesn't exist. Because when you see that 0:15:56.080 --> 0:15:59.040 thing and you have that spark, you have to accept 0:15:59.080 --> 0:16:03.120 what is. And I think love is imperfect. You bend, 0:16:03.200 --> 0:16:05.840 you grow, you cry, you hurt, you all that stuff. 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:09.040 But I think if there's the underpinnings of saying I'm 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:11.560 committed to wanting to do this, and explores this with 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:17.800 you and explore grace, explore kindness, openness. Someone told me 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:21.640 this many years ago and never forgot it. I asked 0:16:21.680 --> 0:16:24.440 this older couple what was the key to their success 0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:27.040 and they said, and I think this woman, she says, 0:16:27.080 --> 0:16:29.240 you've got to be alone for the ride to know 0:16:29.280 --> 0:16:31.040 that they're going to change and it's going to have 0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:34.560 nothing to do with you. And that's okay. I think 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:37.520 that's what we have to love people, right, I mean, yeah. 0:16:37.320 --> 0:16:40.160 You have to love them with loose hands that's it. 0:16:40.240 --> 0:16:42.480 You can't be tight. I think the fear people always 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:44.280 think that someone's going to leave you. But I'm like, 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:45.600 if someone's gonna leave you, they're going to leave you. 0:16:45.600 --> 0:16:48.040 It doesn't You can't hold tight to it. You just 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:51.600 have to invest and pour all the love and care 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:54.720 that you can to it and trust it it'll be 0:16:54.760 --> 0:16:57.080 for the time that it's supposed to be. You know, 0:16:57.120 --> 0:16:59.560 we hope things can be happily ever after, you know, 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:03.680 and told fairy tales. Happily ever after? Is that the truth? 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:07.159 That's the hope. I believe that's the wish. But you know, 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:09.600 maybe happily ever after a few years or a couple 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:11.840 of coffee or if you laughs, I don't know, or 0:17:11.960 --> 0:17:15.040 fifty years. 0:17:14.040 --> 0:17:18.720 It's really true. And we're never really asked to investigate 0:17:19.040 --> 0:17:22.119 the fairytale. We're never asked to kind of cross examine it. 0:17:22.160 --> 0:17:23.879 I know, I grew up with this idea that that 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:26.920 is what you do. You grow up, you fall in love, 0:17:27.680 --> 0:17:30.600 that person loves you back, and then you have a baby. 0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:34.520 And that is not how my life turned out at all. Right, 0:17:34.600 --> 0:17:37.360 I grew up, did not fall in love, had a baby, 0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:40.879 did fall in love, broke up with them fell in 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:43.600 love with someone else, but all the time sort of 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:45.639 mining for the parameters of what that love is, and 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:48.280 it's so far away from the initial idea. And you're right, 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:51.040 you have to keep growing, you have to keep doing 0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:54.040 the personal excavation and allow your partner to do that 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:54.360 as well. 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:57.280 I think, yeah, because you never even know what your 0:17:57.359 --> 0:18:00.119 family is supposed to look like exactly. I think. But 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:02.120 we're set up. We're thinking what you said, You're set 0:18:02.200 --> 0:18:04.800 up thinking, oh, you fall in love, you have a child. 0:18:04.840 --> 0:18:06.840 It becomes this sort of thing. But no one even 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:08.920 knows that maybe you fall in love, you have a child, 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:13.280 you don't have that love, you have another relationship that 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:15.320 you become best friends with the person you made that 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:17.560 child with, or whatever. Maybe your family is supposed to 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:20.560 look like this whole other creation based on the actual 0:18:20.600 --> 0:18:23.480 reality the people that are involved in it, instead of 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:27.320 some ideological thing, this fairy tale looming over all of us. 0:18:27.640 --> 0:18:31.119 You know, that's I'm so interested in. How do we 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:33.520 disseminate what other good ideas to hang on to and 0:18:33.560 --> 0:18:35.720 what are the ones that we should really go Nah, 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:38.240 that's not going to serve me, because you can only 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:42.040 do it by living it. Really, and then circumstance will 0:18:42.040 --> 0:18:43.439 slap you in the face and go, that was a 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:45.040 really terrible idea to have hung on to you for 0:18:45.080 --> 0:18:47.160 so many years, and now here we are. 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:51.000 Well, that's any good drama, right, Isn't that the human condition? 0:18:51.080 --> 0:18:54.240 I think it was Martin knocks and great showrunner. She said, 0:18:54.680 --> 0:18:59.360 a great story is a great protagonist. That is one 0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:02.919 and commit it to a wrong idea of themselves. 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:05.960 Ha ha ha. I love that. 0:19:06.280 --> 0:19:08.679 Inn it's about the film or the series or something 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:10.960 that's trying to challenge them to change. 0:19:11.760 --> 0:19:14.040 That is really good. 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:16.800 Well, I always attached to an idea about ourselves that 0:19:16.880 --> 0:19:18.679 we have to smash and have to let go of. 0:19:18.760 --> 0:19:20.920 At some point you have to realize how long is 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:23.720 it serving you? Is this really serving you? Are you happy? 0:19:23.840 --> 0:19:24.920 Are you getting what you want? 0:19:25.280 --> 0:19:27.280 But you're probably lucky if you get to smash it 0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:29.879 or even have the impetus to do that, because a 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:32.800 lot of times I think people will use the quick 0:19:32.800 --> 0:19:37.040 fixes to stop feeling bad about that thing. And all 0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:39.719 of the available stuff that we have in our world 0:19:40.119 --> 0:19:44.240 of consumption, various things from addictive to non addictive, but 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:48.159 repetitive behaviors becomes such a sort of immediate way of 0:19:48.200 --> 0:19:52.480 dealing with it, rather than going question the fundamental idea 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:54.840 about why you want to keep doing this thing and 0:19:54.880 --> 0:19:55.920 if it serves you. 0:19:55.840 --> 0:19:58.600 I have a question for you. I think by like, say, 0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:02.199 let's say, by smashing these things many if you like, 0:20:02.240 --> 0:20:04.080 I don't know, how have you been as a person 0:20:04.160 --> 0:20:05.920 when it comes to change? 0:20:06.280 --> 0:20:10.919 Terrible? Terrible, really terrible terrible with change? 0:20:11.400 --> 0:20:15.000 I say to myself, if you change, change everything, I 0:20:15.000 --> 0:20:17.919 think it's I have a fearlessness with that. And somehow 0:20:17.920 --> 0:20:19.919 it served me because I think I checked. All I 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:22.679