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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's The Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. Welcome to this month's Is

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Speaker 1: it take or toss or take what you like and

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Speaker 1: leave the rest? I can't decide, so DM me email

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Speaker 1: me what title do you guys like better for these

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Speaker 1: solo episodes that I'm doing, Take her toss or the

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Speaker 1: saying that I always say, which is take what you

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Speaker 1: like and leave the rest. That just feels a little

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Speaker 1: long for a title anyway. This month is February, and

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Speaker 1: if you are a regular listener of the podcast, you

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Speaker 1: know that we've been talking about love and sex and

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Speaker 1: just kind of what we in our society get wrong

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Speaker 1: about those topics, like what we miss, what we haven't

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Speaker 1: been taught, what we're not learning, where we can get better,

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Speaker 1: where we can grow, and where we can understand more

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Speaker 1: So some of the topics we've covered our period sex.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be talking to some one who is

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Speaker 1: going to describe an attachment or insecure attachment in relationships,

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Speaker 1: and he's going to talk about the avoidance side of things.

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Speaker 1: I've had a couple of people on to already talk

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Speaker 1: about the anxious side of things. And that one actually

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Speaker 1: seems to get talked about a little bit more, I

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Speaker 1: think because more people who side or lean more anxious

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Speaker 1: are more quick to go get help, and so it's

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Speaker 1: maybe a topic that people are looking for more. But

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Speaker 1: there is another side of that coin, and it's the

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Speaker 1: avoidant attachment side. So I'm going to have coach Ryan

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Speaker 1: on and he is going to help us understand avoidant attachment,

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Speaker 1: how to heal from avoidant attachment. We've also just had

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Speaker 1: some really other great relationship nuggets or sex nuggets, and

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Speaker 1: I felt like, you really can't talk about love and

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Speaker 1: sex or relationships without talking about breakups. And that's like

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Speaker 1: the want want, Like who wants to do a podcast

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Speaker 1: about breakups? Right? Like it's not necessarily the fun side

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Speaker 1: of relationships. But I will say I have taken on

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Speaker 1: a whole new mentality about relationships and breaking up in

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Speaker 1: the last couple of years, and it's really really helped me.

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Speaker 1: So I got a listener voicemail kind of just asking

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Speaker 1: for some thoughts on how to get past certain points

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Speaker 1: of a breakup. You know that in between stage where

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Speaker 1: it's like it's initially just over, you have a couple

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Speaker 1: of months where you get the free past, to kind

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Speaker 1: of bitch to all your friends, to complain, to not

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Speaker 1: get out of bed, to eat bad food, to drink

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Speaker 1: too much wine, whatever it is that you do to cope.

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Speaker 1: And then you get to the part of life that

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Speaker 1: you're like, and wait, now what, I'm still sad. Maybe

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Speaker 1: I'm not ready to date yet, not ready to put

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Speaker 1: myself out there. But I can't talk to my friends

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Speaker 1: about this anymore. They've heard the story and there's nothing new.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, it seems a little lonesome if I'm still

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Speaker 1: sitting in bed all day or you know, overeating over drinking,

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Speaker 1: like it's just not cute anymore. It's time to get

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Speaker 1: my shit together. But like, what do you do if

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Speaker 1: your emotions haven't caught up or your feelings haven't caught

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Speaker 1: up to that? So that was the question, And I'll

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Speaker 1: play the voicemailing just a second. But what I really

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Speaker 1: wanted to start with is kind of what has helped

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Speaker 1: me the most in just relationships in general. And then also,

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Speaker 1: like I said, in this breakup process, and I think

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Speaker 1: when I think back to my past of like dating,

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Speaker 1: let's say, back in the thirties, definitely back in my twenties.

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Speaker 1: But you know, I've had some really tough relationships. Like

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Speaker 1: relationships have definitely been my teachers in this lifetime, as

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Speaker 1: I think they are for most of us or many

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Speaker 1: of us, and they have come in this like really difficult, impactful,

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Speaker 1: brush your soul kind of way for me. And there

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Speaker 1: have been moments where I was like, I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to live through this one. Like I thought I would die.

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Speaker 1: It was so fucking painful. Definitely moments where my life

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Speaker 1: was completely torn apart from a relationship or a breakup,

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Speaker 1: the times where I couldn't get out of bed, all

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Speaker 1: of the things, and I'm just such a feeler. Again,

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Speaker 1: if you've listened to this podcast regularly, you know I

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Speaker 1: feel things really big and really full, and that is

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Speaker 1: great on the good days and hard on the hard days.

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Speaker 1: And so breakups used to really really cripple me. I

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Speaker 1: would say, like take me out, And they still are

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Speaker 1: really hard. I actually just recently went through one as well,

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Speaker 1: And even though that relationship ended on good terms and

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Speaker 1: not in the way that anything else has ended for me,

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Speaker 1: it's still really hard and it sucks and it's painful,

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Speaker 1: and there's all the bad parts of a breakup too.

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Speaker 1: But what's really changed my mentality overall is kind of

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Speaker 1: to change the way that I even look at relationships.

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Speaker 1: I talk about this a lot with Marv and in

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Speaker 1: my solo podcast, I seem to keep referencing astrology. So

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Speaker 1: if you haven't at all had any sort of foundation

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Speaker 1: in astrology, this still can work for you. But something

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Speaker 1: that I believe is that basically we're here in this

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Speaker 1: lifetime or in whatever lifetime, to come and grow and evolve,

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Speaker 1: and that's what your soul's biggest goal is. That's what

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Speaker 1: the lessons are for, is just for our own growth

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Speaker 1: and that we want to continue to evolve. So if

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Speaker 1: you're looking at life that way, relationships fall under the

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Speaker 1: same umbrella. It's like every single person that comes into

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Speaker 1: your life is here for a reason. Every single relationship

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Speaker 1: that you decide to enter into is here to serve

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Speaker 1: its purpose. It's here to teach you something, it's here

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Speaker 1: to push you to grow, even the hard ones, especially

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Speaker 1: the hard ones. I talked about this in the last

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Speaker 1: solo episode, But sometimes I feel like the pain is

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Speaker 1: the thing in this lifetime that loves us the most,

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Speaker 1: and it's obviously when you're in the pain not what

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Speaker 1: you're thinking or what you're feeling, but in the big

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Speaker 1: picture of your life, when you look back in the

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Speaker 1: moments where you had actual change, where there were the

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Speaker 1: huge moments of growth where you yourself as a human,

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Speaker 1: as a person, became somebody totally different and more mature

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Speaker 1: or more evolved. If you look back at those moments,

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Speaker 1: it's usually the pain that got you there. Like, I'm

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Speaker 1: not a person who's just going through life and everything's

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Speaker 1: hunky dory and I'm like, uh, let's go change things.

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Speaker 1: I think most of us are wired to go through

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Speaker 1: life and when things feel good, you just keep doing

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Speaker 1: the same things. So it's when the things come in

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Speaker 1: and they rock you and they break you and they

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Speaker 1: take you to your knees that you have to actually

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Speaker 1: look in the mirror and figure out what it is

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Speaker 1: you're made of. For me, those lessons have come through

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Speaker 1: other people, whether they were good people, hard people, nice people,

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Speaker 1: mean people, whatever, it was, the people that showed up

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Speaker 1: and brought me to my knees or helped me to

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Speaker 1: grow that were the catalysts for change in my life.

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Speaker 1: They were the characters that I needed. They were always right,

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Speaker 1: And I hate saying that in some ways, because you know,

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Speaker 1: there's a part of us all. I think when you

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Speaker 1: look back on your past and you can say, ugh,

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Speaker 1: fuck that person, or just still kind of looking at

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Speaker 1: them in a bitter way, or that relationship wasn't good.

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Speaker 1: But again, the things that shifted for me is knowing

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Speaker 1: or they are knowing that whatever that relationship was that

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Speaker 1: changed me was necessary. I don't think I would have

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Speaker 1: evolved or I would have grown without it. So once

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Speaker 1: you start looking at relationships that way, just as a foundation,

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Speaker 1: letting them go when the time is right becomes a

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Speaker 1: little bit easier. I'm not saying it takes away the

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Speaker 1: pain of the sadness of missing the person, of being

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Speaker 1: fucking pissed off and wanting to slash tires like that.

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Speaker 1: Stuff is all still there. But when you really look

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Speaker 1: at the relationship at the time you need to end it,

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Speaker 1: when it's run its course, when it's over, if you

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Speaker 1: can look back at it and say, well, this served me,

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Speaker 1: because it kind of changes things. So here's the voicemail.

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Speaker 2: Hi, Kelly, I just wanted to let you know that

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Speaker 2: your podcast really means a lot. I would just love

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Speaker 2: your feedback on just like processing through a breakup, and

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Speaker 2: especially when you're the one that's doing the breaking up,

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Speaker 2: and also too just like you know, when you're like

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Speaker 2: past that like initial three or four months and it

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Speaker 2: gets into like the six or seven months and you

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Speaker 2: have like good days and then bad days. I just

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Speaker 2: want you to know like how to process through that.

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Speaker 2: It's just instrumentally hard. And I feel like you're at

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Speaker 2: that point when like you know, you don't want to

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Speaker 2: like talk to friends necessarily because you don't want to

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Speaker 2: burden them, right, but it's also like it's really hard

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Speaker 2: to just navigate through it. And I wonder, like just

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Speaker 2: in your life and through relationships, like how what were

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Speaker 2: the stages that you kind of went through and how

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Speaker 2: did you process through you know, like that middle part,

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Speaker 2: you know, like that awkward like the awkward phase of

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Speaker 2: the breakup right where it's like it's not just like

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Speaker 2: it happened, but it's been a like but not like

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Speaker 2: five years yet, you know what I mean. Any thoughts

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Speaker 2: would be really helpful. I just really appreciate you. Thank

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Speaker 2: you so much.

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Speaker 1: By the middle part, that's what I'm going to call this,

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Speaker 1: And yes, I know exactly what that feels like and

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Speaker 1: what I equate it to in my head is the

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Speaker 1: day where you wake up in the morning and it's

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Speaker 1: that feeling where your body is still really heavy because

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Speaker 1: you're carrying all the emotions and you're just like, that's

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Speaker 1: like a feeling, even if you don't have the words

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Speaker 1: to describe it. It's like you wake up every morning,

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Speaker 1: you remember what happened, and it's just like it's heavy,

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Speaker 1: and I think we've all been there and again it's

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Speaker 1: at that time where you're not quite ready maybe to

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Speaker 1: like go out on dates again or invite new things

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Speaker 1: into your life, but you also know, okay, like I

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Speaker 1: don't want to keep living like this, Like this just

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Speaker 1: feels ick. This is like it's got to get better.

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Speaker 1: You know. They say this too shall pass, but like

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Speaker 1: when the fuck is it gonna pass? Because I don't

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Speaker 1: want to wake up every day and have to like

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Speaker 1: really motivate motivate myself to get out of bed. I

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Speaker 1: just want to wake up and live my life and

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Speaker 1: be happy and joyful and free again. So here are

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Speaker 1: some tips of things that I've tried over the years

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Speaker 1: or you know, that have really actually worked for me

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Speaker 1: over the years. Here's my number one tip. If we're

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Speaker 1: stirling back, and we're looking at what each relationship like.

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Speaker 1: It was here to teach us the period of time

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Speaker 1: after the breakup, like when you're initially out of it,

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Speaker 1: what we talked about before, when you're kind of just

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Speaker 1: like in survival mode of I'm in so much pain.

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Speaker 1: Give me whatever it is I need. Let's go to

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Speaker 1: dinner every night with a friend, or come over and

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Speaker 1: sit on my couch and watch a comedy special with me,

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Speaker 1: whatever it is you do. That period has passed, let's say,

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Speaker 1: and you're kind of like, Okay, I gotta get my

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Speaker 1: shit together, but like, yeah, I really don't feel like

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Speaker 1: getting my shit together. So for me in that time,

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Speaker 1: something that helps my brain to stop thinking about my ex,

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Speaker 1: which is what my brain is equating to feeling bad,

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Speaker 1: Like my brain is thinking, God, I really miss that ex,

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Speaker 1: even though that relationship was driving me crazy and it

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Speaker 1: was getting really shitty and I was exhausted. I wasn't

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Speaker 1: even enjoying it anymore. When you get the three month

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Speaker 1: the four month period out, it's like all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: you remember, oh my god, we had the best sex.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, I remember that time. He was so

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Speaker 1: funny and he made me laugh about x Y and

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Speaker 1: z Oh. He's basically a comedian. And it's like your

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Speaker 1: brain goes into this fog of unrealistic reality or that

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Speaker 1: is what does that even mean? Unrealistic reality? It just

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Speaker 1: goes into something that's not real. It's not realistic and

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Speaker 1: it's not reality. It's only the good stuff. And so

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Speaker 1: to stop my brain from doing that, I have to

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Speaker 1: make it focus on something else. You know, there's always

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Speaker 1: like going on walks, getting moving. I find that to

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Speaker 1: be completely imperative when I'm going through a hard time.

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Speaker 1: In general, you have to get your body moving. So

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Speaker 1: even if it's like twenty minutes to go walk around

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Speaker 1: your neighborhood and actually be in the sunshine, get some

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Speaker 1: vitamin D. So my brain does well with information. I'm

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Speaker 1: an information seeker, So if you're anything like me using

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Speaker 1: that skill set, I'll call it and applying to how

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Speaker 1: I can learn about myself and I can grow. After

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Speaker 1: that relationship, it really kind of starts to energize you again,

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Speaker 1: like astrology, the enneagram, human design has been a huge

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Speaker 1: one for me of just starting to understand myself. And

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Speaker 1: when you stand yourself more, you can, for one, show

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Speaker 1: up in relationships in a much more authentic, bigger, better way.

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Speaker 1: But also you can look back on old relationships and go, oh,

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Speaker 1: that's why that didn't work. That's what I was looking

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Speaker 1: for there, and I wasn't getting that. But I didn't

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Speaker 1: even know how to ask for it because I didn't

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Speaker 1: know that was in need of mine because I didn't

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Speaker 1: understand myself, and so it looked like throwing tantrums or

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Speaker 1: giving the silent treatment or whatever it is that we do.

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Speaker 1: But when you start to really understand yourself and your motivations,

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Speaker 1: that's the enneagram is great for why we do what

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Speaker 1: we do. And so many of these modalities that I

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Speaker 1: just mentioned are just about understanding what your soul came

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Speaker 1: here to do in this lifetime. And once you start

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Speaker 1: to kind of understand that, you can look at relationships

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Speaker 1: in the way that I described, where it's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I needed that really toxic relationship because I needed to

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Speaker 1: find my voice. And if someone hadn't pushed my boundaries

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Speaker 1: as much as he did, I would have never spoken up.

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Speaker 1: I would have always just listened to what other people

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Speaker 1: told me to do. I would have been a people

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Speaker 1: pleaser for the rest of my life. But thankfully that

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Speaker 1: X made me so mad that even though I screamed

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Speaker 1: the words I was saying, Now I know what I

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Speaker 1: want to say, and I can say it in a

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Speaker 1: clear adult kind way, you know, like you can really

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Speaker 1: start to work on the things you didn't like about

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Speaker 1: how you showed up in that relationship because you still

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Speaker 1: have the understanding of where you grew. So I really

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Speaker 1: recommend human design, astrology, enneagram, even seeing like psychics or

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Speaker 1: energy healers that you know are really tapped in intuitively,

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Speaker 1: any sort of kind of guidance is really really healing

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Speaker 1: to me in times like this, because I think our

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Speaker 1: brain is just looking to grip to anything to normalize

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Speaker 1: all this open space we have in our lives. Now,

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Speaker 1: once a relationship ends, it's like you have all this

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Speaker 1: empty space, and even if you were good on your

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Speaker 1: own before the relationship, you got to relearn how to

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Speaker 1: be on your own and how to fill that space

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Speaker 1: and how to fill that void. And I think, because

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Speaker 1: our brains always want to keep us safe, if we're

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Speaker 1: not putting new things in those spaces, it's just going

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Speaker 1: to go look at your ex and just think I

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Speaker 1: just missed that person, because they seem like the only

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Speaker 1: way out of our pain, but they're not. The second

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Speaker 1: thing I'll say, And this one comes with a little

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Speaker 1: bit of like a disclaimer on end, but something for

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Speaker 1: me like I am definitely an external processor if you

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Speaker 1: can't tell this podcast, but if you're an external processor

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Speaker 1: like me, you can run things into the ground. And yes,

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Speaker 1: I totally know the place where you're like, I have

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Speaker 1: called this friend eight hundred times too many at this point,

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Speaker 1: and she's heard this story. There's nothing new, there's no

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Speaker 1: new developments, there's nothing new I need to report to her.

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Speaker 1: It's just that I'm still not over it and I

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Speaker 1: just want to say this again, or my brain is

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Speaker 1: like over analyzing this again, even if I've already worked

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Speaker 1: through it. So if you're finding yourself doing that and

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Speaker 1: you need process more, that's totally okay. I think some

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Speaker 1: of us do have to kind of go around and

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Speaker 1: round in circles to just kind of get the clarity

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Speaker 1: and understanding. And so if you are finding yourself in

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Speaker 1: that space, maybe instead of talking to your friends, it

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Speaker 1: would be valuable to go talk to a therapist. And

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Speaker 1: with this one, I would say, talk therapy. And here

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Speaker 1: was the disclaimer. Lately, this is just a personal opinion.

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Speaker 1: And I'm not a therapist, but what I have been

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Speaker 1: feeling overall with hearing about some people in my life's

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Speaker 1: therapy sessions or complaints about therapy sessions. This is the

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Speaker 1: topic I talk about with a lot of people, and

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Speaker 1: I really think there's a lot of bad therapists out there.

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Speaker 1: And it's super upsetting to me because that field is

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Speaker 1: what's the word, It's so valuable for one, but it's

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Speaker 1: almost dangerous to not be taken seriously because people's mental

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Speaker 1: health is very serious to me, and mental and emotional health,

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Speaker 1: and so I find it really sad there are so

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Speaker 1: many facilitators that maybe aren't really putting in all the effort,

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Speaker 1: are fully qualified, or maybe they're not getting the resources

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Speaker 1: they need to do their job in a really productive,

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Speaker 1: helpful way. But a lot of times I've been talking

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Speaker 1: to people lately about talk therapy and it's just like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I just go in, I say a couple things about

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Speaker 1: what's going on in my life, and then I leave

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, did they give you any feedback

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Speaker 1: or like homework or help you kind of navigate a

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Speaker 1: different way to do that or what? And when the

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Speaker 1: answer is no, that is scary, like that is really scary.

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Speaker 1: So what I always tell people is to find a

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Speaker 1: good talk therapist. What's worked in my life is asking

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Speaker 1: the people around me who I know really believe in

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Speaker 1: therapy and who have maybe done it for a while

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Speaker 1: or had experience with multiple therapists, and who are seeing

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Speaker 1: progress in their life from therapy. Yes, it helps to

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Speaker 1: go talk about things. Yes, itself helps to process out loud,

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Speaker 1: especially if you're an external processor. But if you're still

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Speaker 1: staying stuck and you're not growing in your therapy sessions

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Speaker 1: or after or during or whatever, it may be time

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Speaker 1: to move on to a different therapist or look in

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Speaker 1: the mirror and say, why am I not growing me?

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Speaker 1: I don't know, but yeah, I just think it's a

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Speaker 1: It's a big decision to take seriously and not to

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Speaker 1: say or it's just not to take lightly. So if

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Speaker 1: you do go meet with someone and you're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is terrible, I hate therapy, maybe try another therapist

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Speaker 1: first before you completely rule it out. And if it's

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Speaker 1: something that you're feeling in your body. I know a

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Speaker 1: couple of podcast episodes I've done have mentioned this, but

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Speaker 1: the somatic therapy has been something that I've been introduced

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Speaker 1: to in the last couple of years, and I've done

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Speaker 1: talk therapy for eleven years, I would say at this point,

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Speaker 1: and I have a lot of head knowledge, but what

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Speaker 1: I was realizing was my body was still feeling really stuck.

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Speaker 1: And so I started working with this a somatic therapist,

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Speaker 1: and she helped me to release a lot of the

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Speaker 1: emotions from my body physically, and that has been the

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Speaker 1: biggest game changer. It's helped me to get back to

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Speaker 1: posting on social media because I had a lot of

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Speaker 1: trauma around that. Even to be do this right now

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Speaker 1: with you guys like this was such a scary thing

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Speaker 1: for me because I felt so vulnerable about after some

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Speaker 1: of the stuff that I went through publicly, and it

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Speaker 1: really like wrecked the way that I could use my voice.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't and the somatic therapy really helped release some

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Speaker 1: of that. So anyway, the second tip that I would

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Speaker 1: give would be, maybe try therapy if you still need

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Speaker 1: to talk about it and you feel like you've run

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Speaker 1: through your friends. Okay. The third thing that I swear,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, why didn't I think of this before? You know,

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Speaker 1: sometimes you have these aha moments, as Oprah would call

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Speaker 1: them and it's just randomly, but it's after you've spent

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Speaker 1: a really long time doing it another way. That just

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Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, duh. But what I realized

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Speaker 1: the last I think this was two breakups ago. What

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Speaker 1: I realized was that when I would go through a

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Speaker 1: breakup or I would be in the new period of

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Speaker 1: being single again, I would stop doing certain things that

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Speaker 1: I loved to do because they seemed like couples activities,

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Speaker 1: but it was actually just making me more sad in

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Speaker 1: my life. So the third tip that I'm going to

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Speaker 1: come back in with is remind yourself of the things

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Speaker 1: that you love in your life. Like here's an example.

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Speaker 1: I love to cook. I'm a cancer, I love home.

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Speaker 1: I'm not like a great cook at all, but I

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Speaker 1: love to find a really good recipe, go get all

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Speaker 1: the ingredients or order them and have them delivered. Which

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Speaker 1: I'm being really truthful here because I hate the grocery store.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I love that process, like going through the cookbook,

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Speaker 1: picking the recipe that I'm going to make, getting all

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Speaker 1: the ingredients, and then I make it like an event,

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Speaker 1: you know, like it's the thing of the night. It's

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Speaker 1: the thing that I'm doing if I like want to

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Speaker 1: have a treat after whatever. I just really really enjoy

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Speaker 1: the whole thing, and when I would go through a break,

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Speaker 1: I would just like stop doing that because it seems

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Speaker 1: really silly to cook for one person, you know, especially

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Speaker 1: when it's these whole this whole meal, these all these

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Speaker 1: big recipes or whatever. And then I just thought to myself, well,

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Speaker 1: fuck that, Like if I'm sitting at my house at night,

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Speaker 1: especially because I have all this new empty space in

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Speaker 1: my life and a lot of my friends are in

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Speaker 1: relationships or they have kids and so on certain nights,

394
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Speaker 1: you know, there's not a lot of flexibility schedule wise,

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Speaker 1: so I am going to be at home by myself.

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Speaker 1: Also at the stage of life that I'm in, you know,

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Speaker 1: when work is busy, I don't really want to be

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Speaker 1: out all the time, and so I like to still

399
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Speaker 1: be at home and nesting. But I was getting like

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Speaker 1: really kind of just Debbie downer about it because I

401
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,959
Speaker 1: would either be postmating or eating something that was just

402
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,879
Speaker 1: like thrown together but not really that great. And then

403
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,440
Speaker 1: I thought to myself one day, why am I not

404
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,240
Speaker 1: doing that thing just because I'm gonna have leftovers? Who cares?

405
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:03,760
Speaker 1: So now I just either freeze things or just have

406
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:07,080
Speaker 1: leftovers for the week. Like I'll get one recipe and

407
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Speaker 1: i'll make it on a Monday or a Sunday, and

408
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Speaker 1: I'll eat on it kind of all week, you know,

409
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Speaker 1: Like I like to make things that are good leftover wise.

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Speaker 1: So anyway, just don't stop doing the things that you love.

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Speaker 1: If it's going to dinners, go to dinner. I also

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Speaker 1: go eat solo dinner sometimes and they're really nice, Like

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Speaker 1: I actually feel very empowered doing it. I go to

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Speaker 1: this cute little Italian restaurant in Nashville. It's like my

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00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,360
Speaker 1: solo dinner spot called Cafe Nona. If you're ever in town,

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Speaker 1: I highly recommend it. But it's this cute, little, like

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Speaker 1: hole in the wall, mom and pop Italian restaurant. I'll

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Speaker 1: order a glass of wine and a really big pasta

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00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:50,040
Speaker 1: dish gluten free of course, and it still makes me

420
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Speaker 1: feel like I'm doing the activity. I'll even go on

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Speaker 1: a Saturday because I'm wild like that and I don't

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00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:58,080
Speaker 1: care anymore. But if that feels overwhelming, go on a

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Speaker 1: Tuesday at like five o'clock. It's it's a good way

424
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,399
Speaker 1: to dip your toe in. But don't stop doing the

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00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:06,119
Speaker 1: things that you love to do when you're in a

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00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,520
Speaker 1: couple just because you're not in a couple, because truthfully,

427
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,080
Speaker 1: you probably just love those things in general, and we

428
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,520
Speaker 1: equate it to that person that we are no longer

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Speaker 1: with or the person that we're going to be with

430
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 1: in the future, and so it really kind of just

431
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:24,000
Speaker 1: makes your life even more sad, especially after a breakup,

432
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 1: if you're neglecting your own needs or not doing the

433
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:31,240
Speaker 1: things that you love because you're not in a relationship.

434
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:34,000
Speaker 1: So do the things you love. The fourth tip kind

435
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 1: of goes along with that, and this is of course

436
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,880
Speaker 1: being responsible as an adult and if you can get

437
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,800
Speaker 1: away from responsibilities, if you can afford this, I recommend

438
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:50,639
Speaker 1: traveling after a breakup. I especially in the state of

439
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,800
Speaker 1: that middle ground, like the area we're talking about, because

440
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:55,720
Speaker 1: maybe you were too sad at first to do it

441
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,960
Speaker 1: and you just needed to cry it out and go

442
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,679
Speaker 1: through your process. But if you're in this space, like

443
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,880
Speaker 1: the in between space again, when you're kind of rebuilding

444
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:07,320
Speaker 1: your life, when you're not ready to date yet, or

445
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,639
Speaker 1: you're just like kind of feeling like you're floating, something

446
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 1: that really really helps me is to go out and

447
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:19,360
Speaker 1: remember how big the fucking world is. I think sometimes

448
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,400
Speaker 1: I'll feel like I'm living in this little bubble in Nashville,

449
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,680
Speaker 1: and it's of course you're seeing the same people. Everyone

450
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,680
Speaker 1: knows everyone. I've been in this town a really long time,

451
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,639
Speaker 1: and so like it just feels like, oh my god,

452
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,159
Speaker 1: everyone in this world knows my story, or everyone in

453
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,119
Speaker 1: the hown knows my story, and like you feel you

454
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:42,320
Speaker 1: can feel really stuck. Then it's like you go to

455
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,879
Speaker 1: a different city or a different state or a different

456
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:48,600
Speaker 1: country and nobody knows who you are or that you

457
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,720
Speaker 1: just went through a breakup and look at that Oh

458
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,520
Speaker 1: my god, did you see that hot guy just walk by?

459
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:56,760
Speaker 1: Because I did, And oh my god, you remember that

460
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 1: the person that you just broke up with is not

461
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:03,040
Speaker 1: that last person on this planet. I used to have

462
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,400
Speaker 1: this mentor that would say to me, it's a relationship,

463
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,119
Speaker 1: not the universe, And I'm like, but it feels like

464
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,640
Speaker 1: the universe when I'm going through this breakup. It feels

465
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:14,720
Speaker 1: like it's just like taking over everything. And when you

466
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:17,880
Speaker 1: think about it in this way, it's like that relationship

467
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 1: is just one piece of your story. If you go

468
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,840
Speaker 1: out and you remember that that was just a relationship.

469
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:26,399
Speaker 1: It's not the universe and you go see the rest

470
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:30,320
Speaker 1: of the universe. It's very empowering, it's very exciting. It

471
00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:32,679
Speaker 1: gives you a little pep in your step, and definitely

472
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:43,960
Speaker 1: it gives you hope for a future. Okay, the last

473
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,840
Speaker 1: tip that I have for this podcast, and I want

474
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,600
Speaker 1: to be clear here, I will never ever tell someone

475
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,760
Speaker 1: when it's time to get back out there. I really

476
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,480
Speaker 1: do think this is a personal decision, and I think

477
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:05,120
Speaker 1: that it's completely on your patterns, your behaviors, how you've

478
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,600
Speaker 1: processed the feelings, if you've done your work, If you haven't,

479
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 1: you know, how have you like operated in the past.

480
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,439
Speaker 1: Are you a serial dater so the second you go

481
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:17,320
Speaker 1: through a breakup, you jump in another one. Like I've

482
00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:21,239
Speaker 1: never been a big proponent of that personally because I

483
00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 1: like reflection time or I think that to not take

484
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,800
Speaker 1: the shit from the past with us. Reflection time seems

485
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,840
Speaker 1: to help to me, it has at least, so I'm

486
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 1: never never gonna be like, Okay, you just got to

487
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 1: get yourself back out there. But again, if you're like me,

488
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: or if you're not, you're just listening, and this is

489
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:41,840
Speaker 1: something you resonate with like I'm a big feeler, like

490
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:45,040
Speaker 1: I said, and so sometimes I can get a little

491
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:48,200
Speaker 1: stuck in the negative feelings. If any of my enneagram

492
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:51,080
Speaker 1: fours are listening, you know what I'm saying, Like they

493
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,360
Speaker 1: feel really bad, but I'll just stay I can't get

494
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,879
Speaker 1: out of it. Like it's just like I'm stuck in

495
00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:00,040
Speaker 1: the waking up every morning and the you know, and

496
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,879
Speaker 1: so like I've had to program my brain over the

497
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,000
Speaker 1: years of going, Okay, now this is enough. And let's

498
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 1: not to say like I'm side stepping feelings. I have

499
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:13,440
Speaker 1: the opposite problem of most people. I feel every fucking feeling,

500
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,720
Speaker 1: and so you can get stuck there if you're a

501
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,560
Speaker 1: person like that. So instead of like side stepping feelings

502
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,080
Speaker 1: and not processing, I will just continue to process. And

503
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:25,200
Speaker 1: it's too much. And so I've had to really learn

504
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:29,120
Speaker 1: to like push myself to take that next step. And

505
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:31,360
Speaker 1: the next step I'm talking about is putting yourself back

506
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 1: out there and listen. I know dating apps can suck.

507
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,120
Speaker 1: I hated them when I first got on them, and

508
00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:42,240
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily love them now either, but they have

509
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 1: been very helpful to me in just taking the next step.

510
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 1: So let's say, for instance, you're where our listener who

511
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,680
Speaker 1: left the voicemail is, and you're three to four months

512
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 1: out of a breakup. You're sad, and maybe you're like

513
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:02,960
Speaker 1: still not fully over it, but you're kind of like, Okay,

514
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 1: I'm getting sick of my own self, you know, like ough,

515
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,400
Speaker 1: I just feel stuck. It's like starting to impact the

516
00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:12,440
Speaker 1: rest of my life, my work, my creativity, my friendships, whatever.

517
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,640
Speaker 1: I know it's not the right relationship for me, and

518
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 1: I know it's time to move on. I think dating

519
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,720
Speaker 1: apps can be a good start. Like there's something about

520
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,440
Speaker 1: when you have to build the profile, when you have

521
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:28,360
Speaker 1: to put yourself out there, that immediately when you do that,

522
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,360
Speaker 1: I feel like you're communicating to the universe. Okay, I'm

523
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:36,480
Speaker 1: taking a step. And even if it's just a small

524
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,880
Speaker 1: step of putting up a profile or even creating it,

525
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,959
Speaker 1: and you are in bumble and you're on like incognitive mode.

526
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:46,160
Speaker 1: Maybe you do each step that you feel okay doing

527
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:50,240
Speaker 1: at first, but it's like such an energy shift all

528
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:53,240
Speaker 1: of a sudden when you say to the universe, okay,

529
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,520
Speaker 1: like the past is in the past, I'm not going

530
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:59,120
Speaker 1: to stay stuck there and I'm going to take the lessons.

531
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,080
Speaker 1: I've done my work, I've looked at myself. I've learned

532
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:04,400
Speaker 1: the things that I don't want to ever do in

533
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:07,720
Speaker 1: a relationship again, Like I'm looking at certain behaviors and

534
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 1: learning new ways to do things because I don't want

535
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,520
Speaker 1: to be like that girl again or that person again.

536
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:17,360
Speaker 1: I've grieved, I've cried, I've been angry. I just know

537
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 1: it's time to move on. I think that dating apps

538
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:24,760
Speaker 1: can be the next right step and putting that energy

539
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 1: out there, even if you don't meet someone in the

540
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,800
Speaker 1: dating app, or that's not where you meet your person,

541
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:31,800
Speaker 1: or even if you don't go on a date with anyone,

542
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,840
Speaker 1: sometimes just doing the match or having a flirty chat

543
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:40,440
Speaker 1: with somebody, or even just like having conversation in general.

544
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,480
Speaker 1: And again it's that thing of like traveling, seeing that,

545
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,520
Speaker 1: oh there's a whole world out there of other people

546
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:50,680
Speaker 1: also looking to date. There's something energetically about that that

547
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:54,160
Speaker 1: I think kind of changes the way we show up

548
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:55,680
Speaker 1: in the world. And when you change the way you

549
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,560
Speaker 1: show up in the world, then you're going to be

550
00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,040
Speaker 1: going around your day and you're gonna be at the

551
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:03,239
Speaker 1: gas station and maybe you see a cute guy and

552
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,000
Speaker 1: it's like the girl two weeks ago on the podcast

553
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:07,640
Speaker 1: talked about you look at the universe, you say oh,

554
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 1: thank you, more please, and then you go to have

555
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,280
Speaker 1: dinner or you have lunch and you see another cute

556
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,240
Speaker 1: guy and you're like, oh, why does this keep happening?

557
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,880
Speaker 1: And then before you know it, somebody is approaching you

558
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,080
Speaker 1: at the grocery store asking you on a date or

559
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:22,880
Speaker 1: something like that. I'm just telling you there's something about

560
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,800
Speaker 1: shifting your energy that really matters. And for me, the

561
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:29,520
Speaker 1: way I kind of I've always dipped my toe back in,

562
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:32,560
Speaker 1: or in the last couple of years, dip my toe

563
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,880
Speaker 1: back in after relationships, it's to just open back up

564
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,920
Speaker 1: the apps and kind of put my energy there again,

565
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 1: just saying to the universe, Okay, I'm uploading this page again,

566
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:48,280
Speaker 1: or I'm getting back out there. I'm communicating to you

567
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 1: that I am ready to move on from these feelings.

568
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:55,120
Speaker 1: If you're not going to say anything else, maybe you

569
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,600
Speaker 1: could say that I'm ready to move on from these

570
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:02,360
Speaker 1: feelings and keep moving forward, and you next right step

571
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:07,440
Speaker 1: yourself into a newer, happier lights. Those are the tips

572
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 1: I've got for you guys on breakups, especially the middle

573
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:14,000
Speaker 1: ground place if you have any more questions or if

574
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:15,880
Speaker 1: you have feedback, if you like listen to all this

575
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 1: stuff and you're like, uh, take or toss. I'm tossing.

576
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:22,640
Speaker 1: This sucked. I didn't get anything out of it. I

577
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,280
Speaker 1: actually want to know that too. I want to know

578
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: what's working for y'all as I navigate these new podcasts,

579
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 1: so as always, take what you like and leave the rest.

580
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 1: You can email us at the Edge at velvetsedge dot com,

581
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 1: or you can hit me directly at Kelly at velvetsedge

582
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:41,760
Speaker 1: dot com. I'm getting used to saying that on here.

583
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:44,800
Speaker 1: Also you can leave me a new voicemail and this

584
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: is a great way. I love interacting with you guys

585
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 1: and hearing what you're actually going through and getting to

586
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 1: speak to that directly. It is so healing for me

587
00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:56,360
Speaker 1: and so amazing, So please keep them coming. You can

588
00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:59,920
Speaker 1: find the link to the voicemail in the link in

589
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:02,640
Speaker 1: my bio on my Instagram, so it's at velvet Edge

590
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:05,240
Speaker 1: on Instagram. You just go into the link in the

591
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 1: bio and you'll see it. It says ve voicemail or

592
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 1: speak pipe I think is what it's called. And you

593
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:12,600
Speaker 1: just click that and you just send it. It's like

594
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:15,400
Speaker 1: a voice memo that you send me. They're all anonymous.

595
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:17,280
Speaker 1: I'm not going to say your name or anything like that.

596
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,760
Speaker 1: But it's really really helpful and it's such a great

597
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,480
Speaker 1: way to interact with each other. So keep them coming.

598
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,720
Speaker 1: Take what you like, leave the rest. Is it take

599
00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 1: or toss or that Let me know, okay,