Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy centralow.
Speaker 2: From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's
Speaker 2: only Sorts for new It's the Daily Joke with your host,
Speaker 2: Daisy Line.
Speaker 1: I'm in atletic.
Speaker 3: We've got so much to talk about tonight. King Charles
Speaker 3: gets haunted by his own portrait. Trump and Biden finally
Speaker 3: set a date, and we find out which bacterial infection
Speaker 3: is sponsoring the Olympics. So let's get into the headline.
Speaker 4: Let's begin with.
Speaker 3: King Charles, the undisputed winner of white privilege. It's been
Speaker 3: one year since he was crowned Eldest Boy, and he just.
Speaker 4: Got the photos.
Speaker 5: Developed mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled
Speaker 5: of King Charles. Take a look. It is the first
Speaker 5: since his coronation. The oil on canvas work of art
Speaker 5: features the King dressed in all red with a red background.
Speaker 5: He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh Guards, but there's
Speaker 5: also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder.
Speaker 3: Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons.
Speaker 4: And tampons now.
Speaker 3: Obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits
Speaker 3: of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often
Speaker 3: painted with her beloved corgies. Compare that to Charles, who
Speaker 3: looks like he was painted with her corgies. Once Christy
Speaker 3: Nome was finished with I do like having the butterfly there.
Speaker 3: Though it says I may be King of England, but
Speaker 3: I still love that song that goes, come my Lady,
Speaker 3: Come Come Malady, Yoma Buttafla, sugar Baby. It's a great song.
Speaker 3: It's a really great song, still holds up. Now, clearly
Speaker 3: this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback, but
Speaker 3: King Charles swears that he loves the portrait, which probably
Speaker 3: means he's having an affair with another portrait on the side.
Speaker 3: But let's move on from a leader who struggled with
Speaker 3: infidelity to a leader who has no problem with it
Speaker 3: at all. Donald Trump, There's been a lot of news
Speaker 3: on the campaign trail today, so let's get right into
Speaker 3: another edition of Indecision twenty twenty four. It looks like
Speaker 3: today was going to be a quiet day on the
Speaker 3: campaign trail. It's Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day
Speaker 3: off from his porn star hush money trial, which he
Speaker 3: was going to spend trying to guess Milania's new phone number,
Speaker 3: but his arch nemesis, Joe Biden, had other plans and
Speaker 3: breaking news.
Speaker 6: Just moments ago, President Biden throws down the gauntlet and
Speaker 6: frankly some shade to Donald Trump, challenging him to a debate.
Speaker 7: Donald Trump lost two debates to me in twenty twenty,
Speaker 7: Sin said he hadn't shown up for debate. Now he's
Speaker 7: acting like he wants to debate me again. Will make
Speaker 7: my day, pal, I'll even do it twice. Let's pick
Speaker 7: the dace.
Speaker 8: Donald.
Speaker 7: I hear you're free on Wednesdays, Shita.
Speaker 3: Now that's the Joe Biden I know, and moderately like
Speaker 3: he scared of nothing besides natural causes. I got to
Speaker 3: admit there was part of me that thought Joe Biden
Speaker 3: would be afraid to debate Donald Trump, because you know,
Speaker 3: debating involves a lot of talking and thinking and standing.
Speaker 3: But whooa, the way that he powered through that fourteen
Speaker 3: second video.
Speaker 4: Makes me think he's got this.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 3: I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge. Now,
Speaker 3: maybe he heard all those stories about Trump sleeping through
Speaker 3: the trial and thought I can take this guy.
Speaker 4: We're on the same map schedule.
Speaker 3: But come on Trump skipped every primary debate like it
Speaker 3: was for play. There's no way he's going to accept
Speaker 3: Biden's challenge.
Speaker 9: The former president responded to that video this morning on
Speaker 9: Truth Social saying, just tell me when.
Speaker 1: I'll be there.
Speaker 5: Let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 6: Oh shit, it's on.
Speaker 3: Yeah, let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 4: Make my day. I see dead people.
Speaker 3: I want you to draw me like one of your
Speaker 3: French girls. Wednesdays, we wear pink. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Yeah,
Speaker 3: we're making moves now. Biden and Trump have agreed to debate,
Speaker 3: but they still need to agree on a date and
Speaker 3: a host, and those logistics don't just come together within
Speaker 3: forty five minutes.
Speaker 6: President Joe Biden and Donald Trump have just CNN's invitation
Speaker 6: to hold a debate on June twenty seventh.
Speaker 1: That's just in a few weeks.
Speaker 3: Wow, okay, June twenty seventh, Joe Biden is going to
Speaker 3: be debating Donald Trump.
Speaker 4: Yay, I can't wait to watch like this.
Speaker 3: But yeah, everything moved so quickly. Biden dropped that video
Speaker 3: and by noon they had scheduled two debates. It's amazing
Speaker 3: how when they want to do something they can get
Speaker 3: it done super fast. Kind of makes you wonder why
Speaker 3: they don't fix other problems this fast.
Speaker 4: But whatever, you'll enjoy it now.
Speaker 3: Obviously, there are still details to be worked out, because
Speaker 3: even though Joe Biden said make my day, he really
Speaker 3: meant make my day subject to terms and conditions.
Speaker 10: The Biden campaign wants the debate to occur inside a
Speaker 10: TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a
Speaker 10: speaker's time limit ellapses, and they want it to be
Speaker 10: just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous
Speaker 10: in person audiences that mister Trump feeds on, and without
Speaker 10: the participation of Robert F. Kennedy Junior or other independent
Speaker 10: or third party candidates.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this. You
Speaker 3: don't want crowds because they give Donald Trump energy, and
Speaker 3: you don't want rfk Junior because you can't risk losing
Speaker 3: to the guy with the brainworms. So they have to
Speaker 3: work out the details. Trump has to agree to Biden's stipulations,
Speaker 3: and he might have demands of his own, like you know,
Speaker 3: every candidate gets a get out of jail free card,
Speaker 3: or the debate moderator has to be a lady and
Speaker 3: she has to kiss them on the mouth like the
Speaker 3: old family food. For more this looming presidential debate, we
Speaker 3: go live to Michael Costa at CNN. Hydor Michael, how
Speaker 3: are the candidates preparing?
Speaker 11: Both sides are buckling down DESI. President Biden is doing
Speaker 11: his classic pre debate ritual of a glass of hot
Speaker 11: tea and an IV full of methemphetamines. Meanwhile, Trump's team
Speaker 11: is teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete
Speaker 11: with a sport so he'll be able to break out
Speaker 11: of prison.
Speaker 3: Okay, but Michael, is all this even necessary? And both
Speaker 3: candidates have already been president, We're not going to learn
Speaker 3: anything new about their policies.
Speaker 11: Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies.
Speaker 11: It's about giving the American people a chance to see
Speaker 11: which candidate, medically speaking, has the least fucked up body.
Speaker 11: Neither of them are giving us any details about their
Speaker 11: physical or mental health, so this is our only chance
Speaker 11: to get them in a room together and see if
Speaker 11: they can do presidential tasks like talk coherently for an
Speaker 11: hour or not hemorrhage blood through an orifice.
Speaker 3: Okay, so you're saying that the American people should see
Speaker 3: this less as a debate and more as a secret
Speaker 3: medical exam.
Speaker 11: Yeah, yeah, yes, which is why I suggest that CNN
Speaker 11: adds some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each
Speaker 11: defend their tax policy while following this.
Speaker 6: Finger with their eyes.
Speaker 11: Or have them bend down and lift a five pound
Speaker 11: kettlebell and see who breaks the least amount of bones.
Speaker 11: Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if
Speaker 11: either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply
Speaker 11: just see which one of them can start a lawnmower.
Speaker 3: Okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health,
Speaker 3: and whoever scores the highest gets to be president.
Speaker 11: Absolutely not, No, this is all a ruse. Once we
Speaker 11: get Biden and Trump in a room together, we can
Speaker 11: lock the door and the rest of us can sneak
Speaker 11: out of America. Then then we start a new country
Speaker 11: with younger candidates, you know, ones whose first kiss wasn't
Speaker 11: in the backseat of a Model T.
Speaker 4: Michael.
Speaker 3: Even if we could do that, at some point, Biden
Speaker 3: and Trunk would find their way to this new country.
Speaker 11: Right maybe, but the only entrance will be through a
Speaker 11: spiral staircase.
Speaker 1: So good luck.
Speaker 3: You thought of everything, seeing our New Nation Buddy, Michael
Speaker 3: Kosta everyone. When we come back, we'll fight about newports
Speaker 3: with out a.
Speaker 4: Welcome next to day show. There's been a lot.
Speaker 3: Of sports news recently, so for some thoughtful, nuanced debate,
Speaker 3: we turned to Sports War.
Speaker 1: Ready for better four Rotch five camp can it's been
Speaker 1: really free money. What's up scrubs?
Speaker 12: I'm brodny Chat and I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War,
Speaker 12: the show where we are legally not allowed to agree
Speaker 12: with each other.
Speaker 6: That's right, I mean that's that's wrong. Yeah, no, you're wrong.
Speaker 12: Let's get right to the biggest story of the night.
Speaker 12: Caitlyn Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets
Speaker 12: a little less fun after college.
Speaker 6: Welcome to the WNBA.
Speaker 13: Caitlyn Clark, the NCAA's all time Division one scoring leader,
Speaker 13: made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana
Speaker 13: Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though,
Speaker 13: missing her first four shots, before scoring on a layup
Speaker 13: midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with twenty points
Speaker 13: in the fevers ninety two to seventy one loss to
Speaker 13: the Connecticut son She also committed ten turnovers.
Speaker 6: Sorry feminists, ten turnovers and a team lost by twenty
Speaker 6: points in her first game. I've seen enough, man, I
Speaker 6: think Kaitlyn Clock is the worst basketball player in history.
Speaker 6: She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when
Speaker 6: it matters. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA. I'm
Speaker 6: gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene.
Speaker 6: Let's look at the stats here, Roddie. Look at these things.
Speaker 12: She scored twenty points. That's four more than Michael Jordan
Speaker 12: had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster,
Speaker 12: and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.
Speaker 6: Stetner. I have a stat right here for you. Okay,
Speaker 6: look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until
Speaker 6: he was thirty eight. Man, you're the good of whatever
Speaker 6: that is.
Speaker 12: Okay, here's your stat right here each ship. Okay, moving on.
Speaker 12: We are officially seventy two days away from the Olympics
Speaker 12: in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty.
Speaker 4: Literally.
Speaker 14: There's a huge effort to get the River Tens hit
Speaker 14: for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier
Speaker 14: this month of the bacteria, including pollution a fecal origin
Speaker 14: was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that
Speaker 14: even a rainstorm could raise E coli to an unacceptable level,
Speaker 14: and Olympic organizers still hope that the river sen can
Speaker 14: be used for the swimming events.
Speaker 12: Ooh, the river Save is filled with E coli.
Speaker 6: That is gross.
Speaker 12: These athletes are going to pick up a disease at
Speaker 12: the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way, unprotected
Speaker 12: sex of the Olympic village, the only way to do it,
Speaker 12: the only way to do.
Speaker 6: It usual Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E coli? Okay,
Speaker 6: because if you're wall class athlete, then prove it by
Speaker 6: pole vaulting with active diarrhea. You love you love, you
Speaker 6: love ec love Ronnie, you love it.
Speaker 12: You look the last time I came to your house
Speaker 12: for a barbecue, you were sprinkling ecoli on chicken kebab
Speaker 12: like Salt Bay. You know your hospitality was for the birds, Roddy,
Speaker 12: the birds two stars. I was puking all night.
Speaker 6: Yeah, well, ipew from just looking your oblong.
Speaker 14: Face, oblong face?
Speaker 15: Is that right?
Speaker 6: Is that how you say it?
Speaker 12: The point is just like the fourth of July at
Speaker 12: Rodney's house. The Olympics are gonna be rife with e coli,
Speaker 12: which brings us to j cleps Bet of the Week,
Speaker 12: where you could pick which country will get the most
Speaker 12: E coli in the twenty twenty bar Olympics brought to
Speaker 12: you by gambling. Gambling, start spending. You've already won.
Speaker 6: Nah, don't forget to clean your twenty percent bonus boos
Speaker 6: by enjoing the promo called Clipper Sucks All cats.
Speaker 4: I don't like that.
Speaker 12: I told you, I don't like that cut.
Speaker 6: It's not you. Okay, it's a different CLIs.
Speaker 12: Okay, that's fine. Then that's how just kidding is you?
Speaker 12: Because he saw you? Okay, I suck. I suck you blow?
Speaker 6: Who cares? We're all dead inside.
Speaker 1: Get over it.
Speaker 12: Let's talk about sports.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 6: Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs
Speaker 6: is in hot water and making the biggest mistake any
Speaker 6: football player could make talking.
Speaker 3: Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the
Speaker 3: comments made by Kicker, Harris, and Bucker during the commencement
Speaker 3: speech at Benedictine and Adjison.
Speaker 8: Butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that
Speaker 8: of a homemaker demanded that men be more masculine.
Speaker 2: Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation
Speaker 2: of men.
Speaker 6: Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 6: they're the football players with at least amount of brain damage,
Speaker 6: and I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan,
Speaker 6: for the first time in your life, someone on the
Speaker 6: football team is speaking to you. You don't have to
Speaker 6: wear that fake vosity jacket anymore. You're Ronnie. I told
Speaker 6: you that in confidence.
Speaker 12: Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a
Speaker 12: natural way to make friends. Anyway, This kicker thing, this
Speaker 12: kicker thing, raises a larger problem. Why do we have
Speaker 12: people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our
Speaker 12: hands like Ronnie's mom.
Speaker 6: You know, just that strong, Jordan. You know my entire
Speaker 6: family has a foot fetish. True, which brings us to
Speaker 6: all bet everything wage of the evening, Which useless position
Speaker 6: player will be the next to wade into the culture
Speaker 6: war as always brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it
Speaker 6: will fix everything.
Speaker 12: Oh, speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story.
Speaker 8: Prosecutors in Los Angeles a Showy. Otani's former interpreter has
Speaker 8: agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost seventeen million dollars
Speaker 8: from the La Dodger Superstar. The US Attorney's office say
Speaker 8: Epe Masuara use the money to pay off gambling debts
Speaker 8: and other personal expenses without Otani's knowledge.
Speaker 6: This interpreter stole seventeen million dollars from Oltani. That settles it.
Speaker 6: Interpreters should be outlawed. Okay, if you don't know the language,
Speaker 6: you should just have to guess.
Speaker 12: Hard, disagree hard, disagree, Roddy. The problem is in interpreters.
Speaker 12: It's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.
Speaker 6: Oh, big surprise, of course, this is just English. That's
Speaker 6: only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head,
Speaker 6: the smallest brain.
Speaker 12: Or English English is going to be the dominant global
Speaker 12: language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking
Speaker 12: of the major league language here. Why would I go
Speaker 12: back to Triple A and learn Finnish Finish.
Speaker 6: That'sn't even a real language, you dumbasted.
Speaker 12: It is what they speak Againada, Ronnie, read a book,
Speaker 12: all right, but do it on your own time. Because
Speaker 12: we are onto the big bet of the night. Is
Speaker 12: this O Tai story yet another sign that America's normalization
Speaker 12: of gambling its corroding society brought to you by gambling.
Speaker 12: Remember gambling, bet now live forever. Well, we're out of time.
Speaker 1: Joined us.
Speaker 12: Next time on Sports War, we'll be debating Michael Jordan
Speaker 12: versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract e coli,
Speaker 12: not America gambling?
Speaker 6: Okay, here am I.
Speaker 4: You're my three favorite languages that I I'm never gonna
Speaker 4: learn how to speak.
Speaker 9: I'm not gonna learn daily, never gonna.
Speaker 4: Love the man.
Speaker 3: Yesternight is an Oscar nominated actor who's currently nominated for
Speaker 3: a Tony for her role in Broadways Doubt a Parable.
Speaker 3: She also stars in the Apple TV series Sugar. Please welcome, Amy.
Speaker 4: Ryan Sonny.
Speaker 13: You look sunny good.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Thank you for being here. This is such
Speaker 3: a treat. I'm such a fan of yours.
Speaker 4: It's a treat for me too.
Speaker 6: Thank you.
Speaker 3: My gosh, you've had so many iconic memorable roles. You
Speaker 3: were in Gone Baby, Gone, the Office, the wire murders
Speaker 3: in the building. I mean right, I don't know why
Speaker 3: the standard is six degrees of Kevin Bacon. It should
Speaker 3: be three degrees of amy. Ryan, You're in everything wo
Speaker 3: and you're incredible on everything that you do. And congratulations
Speaker 3: you were just nominated for your third Tony. Yes, thank you,
Speaker 3: it's so well deserved. I got the chance to see you.
Speaker 3: It was such a tree. You're exceptional in it. And
Speaker 3: I heard that you stepped in with a week's notice.
Speaker 4: A week's notice.
Speaker 16: I got a phone call on a late Sunday night
Speaker 16: to step in, and I said yes. In the following Tuesday,
Speaker 16: I was white knuckling it on stage in a nun's habit,
Speaker 16: trying to remember lies there.
Speaker 4: It was a wild ride, that is.
Speaker 3: It's such a brave thing to do to get that
Speaker 3: call and be like, hey, can you be here tomorrow?
Speaker 3: I need an answer immediately.
Speaker 4: It's braver crazy. I feel like you're so talented.
Speaker 3: You're one of the people that could actually be so
Speaker 3: confident to be like I got this and you did.
Speaker 4: You were incredible.
Speaker 10: Thank you.
Speaker 3: I heard that as part of your preparation you slept
Speaker 3: on an air mattress.
Speaker 16: It's not that I wanted to find the characters paining
Speaker 16: through an air mattress. It's more that I I didn't
Speaker 16: want to wake up my family because I was getting
Speaker 16: up at five point thirty in the morning to study lines,
Speaker 16: so I didn't want to wake my daughter before school,
Speaker 16: so myself and the dog were on the aerobed.
Speaker 4: You're a good mama.
Speaker 6: I try.
Speaker 3: I slept on an air mattress. You cut out sugar, dairy,
Speaker 3: and caffeine.
Speaker 16: Yeah, just to help the immune system, which I've since
Speaker 16: been mainlining since the show's closed.
Speaker 4: Of course, as you should.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, I want to talk to you about this incredible show, Sugar, Yes,
Speaker 3: that you're starring in.
Speaker 4: It feels like kind of an homage or a love
Speaker 4: letter to all of.
Speaker 3: The classic noir gumshoe detective movies.
Speaker 4: Were you a fan of those movies going into it?
Speaker 4: Not really, but I.
Speaker 16: But I love that show spins it a bit. I mean,
Speaker 16: I know my character is kind of the classic fem fatale,
Speaker 16: but we pulled away from the you know, the woman
Speaker 16: in distress and became she just was a strong friendship,
Speaker 16: which you don't see between a male character and a
Speaker 16: female character. You assume they're going to, you know, end
Speaker 16: up rolling in bed by the first episode. But you know,
Speaker 16: if you have Colin Farrell, why would you want to
Speaker 16: roll in.
Speaker 4: Bed, so you know, let's just be friends.
Speaker 6: Let's just be friends. The pain, you know.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so the restraint, the congratulations.
Speaker 3: You deserve an Emmy for the restriction to not jump
Speaker 3: on Colin Farrell's belt.
Speaker 4: I don't know, I pro really are.
Speaker 16: You?
Speaker 3: So this show is on Apple? I'm curious. There's a massive,
Speaker 3: massive twist.
Speaker 16: Yes, yes, don't read anything if you haven't watched it
Speaker 16: in time that Apple has asked you to and you're
Speaker 16: gonna binge it later on, Just stay away from anything
Speaker 16: you read it.
Speaker 3: Don't read any spoils. Yeah, it's a huge, huge twist.
Speaker 3: Now I'm curious. Did Apple make you sign the same
Speaker 3: nda that they made the guys that make their iPhones.
Speaker 16: Yeah, but then when I'd call home, I think the
Speaker 16: Apple was picking up on all the scripts.
Speaker 15: Yeah.
Speaker 4: You're always listening, always listening always.
Speaker 3: It's it's so remarkable that you went from playing this
Speaker 3: like rock and roll ex rock and roll.
Speaker 4: Star addict immediately to the strictest nun.
Speaker 3: Do you ever worry that you're just too versatile as
Speaker 3: an actress, just simply too talented.
Speaker 16: I'm running out of hairdo it's all about hair?
Speaker 8: It really is you.
Speaker 4: You also have a movie that's coming out.
Speaker 3: Soon Wolves, Yeah, in September, and it stars George Clooney
Speaker 3: and Brad Pitt.
Speaker 4: I've never heard of them. Who are these fresh faces,
Speaker 4: huge careers ahead of them?
Speaker 16: Yeah, yeah, I'm really I would put put your money.
Speaker 4: On those guys.
Speaker 16: You're a betting woman.
Speaker 4: I bet you're gonna blow them out of the one.
Speaker 4: I'm very excited.
Speaker 3: Thank you, so thank you for having absolute delight. Stephen
Speaker 3: Binale of Sugar airs May seventeenth on Apple TV plus
Speaker 3: Amy Ryan Everywhere.
Speaker 4: It looks great. I'll be right.
Speaker 6: Tonight now here. It is your moment of Jane's in Nottingham.
Speaker 6: What do you think of the painting?
Speaker 15: In one word, it's fall less that beginns with sea
Speaker 15: and ends with t. It's not a regal child. It's
Speaker 15: coming through a red neck because it looks like it's
Speaker 15: been put on board. It's like two different paintings. Now,
Speaker 15: why they want to pick somebody who don't know how
Speaker 15: to paint and who's supposed to be an artist.
Speaker 9: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 9: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
Speaker 9: The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy
Speaker 9: Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
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