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Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for

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Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse,

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Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care.

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Speaker 1: Last time on Crumbs, I found myself in rehab, but

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Speaker 1: it was hard to find the courage to face myself

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Speaker 1: or my choices. I went in't thinking of it as

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Speaker 1: a vacation for my life, a way to just hit

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Speaker 1: pause and maybe run away from my problems. Back in

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Speaker 1: San Diego, after two weeks in treatment, the insurance company

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Speaker 1: basically said time's up. I could either do an outpatient

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Speaker 1: program at the same facility in Pasadena, or I'd have

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Speaker 1: to go back to the dumpster fire I left behind

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Speaker 1: in San Diego. So I thought, why not stay in

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Speaker 1: LA and extend my vacation. I wasn't exactly choosing this

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Speaker 1: outpatient program because I had a strong sense that it

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Speaker 1: was the right thing for me to do. I didn't

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Speaker 1: know what was right. To be honest, I was lying

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Speaker 1: to myself about what lay ahead. I was just sort

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Speaker 1: of moving with the currents that hit me, dipping under

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Speaker 1: the water a lot, but just trying not to drown.

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Speaker 1: But I also wasn't swimming against the current. I wasn't

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Speaker 1: making actively harmful bad decisions. I didn't quit rehub, so

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Speaker 1: I'm sort of in this middle ground, not following the

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Speaker 1: strong principles of sobriety with integrity and seriousness. But I

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Speaker 1: was sober, and when I got out a rehub, I

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Speaker 1: didn't go straight to get a drink. So what did

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Speaker 1: I do? I'm emmy and this is crumbs to show

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Speaker 1: both the things we settle for and the bits of

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Speaker 1: ourselves that make us who we are. This season my

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Speaker 1: sobriety journey in twelve steps, step five integrity. This episode,

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Speaker 1: I stay uncommitted until I see a sign. The day

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Speaker 1: that I got out of rehab, Chris and I drove

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Speaker 1: to Los Angeles. I wanted to see what LA was

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Speaker 1: all about, if it was anything like I saw in

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Speaker 1: the movies. The streets are lined with palm trees, kind

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Speaker 1: of like in San Diego, but it feels different because

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Speaker 1: they just feel a little more glamorous. Every street is

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Speaker 1: packed with stores, little boutiques, and people are shopping. There's

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Speaker 1: so many people walking around dressed nice. They look beautiful.

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Speaker 1: There are billboards everywhere from movies or TV shows. It

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Speaker 1: felt like what I imagined LA would feel like sexy, vibrant, beautiful.

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Speaker 1: We went to eat at Boston Nova, that was his

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Speaker 1: favorite restaurant in West Hollywood. Boston Nova was not this

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Speaker 1: fancy restaurant, but coming straight out of rehab, anything is fancy.

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Speaker 1: There was this freedom, this freedom that you feel of

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Speaker 1: not having to push your tray in the cafeteria line,

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Speaker 1: having a menu in front of us just seemed like

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Speaker 1: such a big deal. Yes, we're out in LA and

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Speaker 1: we have freedom to order a cocktail if we wanted to.

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Speaker 1: But the reality is, once I ticked that first sip,

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Speaker 1: there's not knowing what's going to come next. Chris and

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Speaker 1: I didn't go to a bar, We didn't get a

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Speaker 1: drink at the restaurant, we didn't try to get drugs.

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Speaker 1: We weren't a plus students in rehub. But on some

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Speaker 1: level we knew it was good for us, or at

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Speaker 1: least that we didn't want to encourage each other to relapse.

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Speaker 1: Elie is like the perfect playground for drinking, for using drugs,

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Speaker 1: for clubbing. Had this been a couple of months earlier,

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Speaker 1: I would have had a field day in LA. But

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Speaker 1: I was wearing a different hat, kind of acting like

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Speaker 1: a different person. Chris and I were just not going

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Speaker 1: to have that kind of night. We stopped at a

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Speaker 1: tattoo shop. I decided to get a tattoo, kind of

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Speaker 1: like a souvenir of my vacation, a Celtic cross with

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Speaker 1: people's birthstones on it. The center of the tattoo is

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Speaker 1: a ruby for my mom. On the right side, it's

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Speaker 1: a topaz for my grandma Mamilicha. Andrea is the same month,

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Speaker 1: so she's on the opposite side. Accomarine my nana, and

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Speaker 1: my sister Daniella is a sapphire. Even though I'm not

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Speaker 1: a religious person, there is something symbolic about, you know,

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Speaker 1: the religion that I was brought up in. The cross

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Speaker 1: didn't connect me to religion, but it connected me to

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Speaker 1: my religious family. I grew up Catholic, going to Catholic

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Speaker 1: school in elementary in Mexico. My grandmother, Mamilcha was very Catholic.

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Speaker 1: I felt like I needed to have that representation of

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Speaker 1: like the women that came from Amilicha on me. It

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Speaker 1: was a symbol of some that had more meaning than

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Speaker 1: I actually realized at the time. I wasn't actually talking

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Speaker 1: to these women in my life. I felt like they

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Speaker 1: were mad at me, but I felt like I was

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Speaker 1: tattooing a different version of myself on my body, the

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Speaker 1: kind that was really connected to Ma Miilicha and her religion,

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Speaker 1: the kind that was a really good parent to my sisters.

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Speaker 1: I was kind of a parent to my mom too.

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Speaker 1: At the time, I was just kind of keeping my distance.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how much they knew about me going

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Speaker 1: to rehab. I think maybe Andrea and Mamilica were probably

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Speaker 1: worried about me. They didn't call me wondering where I was.

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Speaker 1: They were probably worried, but I didn't call them either.

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Speaker 1: Almost no one in San Diego, except for my roommate,

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Speaker 1: really knew that I was in rehab. At the time,

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Speaker 1: I was barely admitting it to myself. I didn't want

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Speaker 1: people to know how much I had failed after my

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Speaker 1: first attempt at getting sober, so going to rehab would

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Speaker 1: have told them that something terrible must have happened, that

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Speaker 1: I had really fucked up. I also wasn't planning to

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Speaker 1: stay sober, so I figured, why tell them why I

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Speaker 1: get people's hopes up, I'm just going to disappoint them,

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Speaker 1: fail them again, disappoint myself. If I go back home

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Speaker 1: to San Diego, it's like going back to reality. I

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Speaker 1: don't know what my life is going to look like.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't ready for that. I was enjoying my vacation

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Speaker 1: away from the chaos, away from my roommate, I was

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Speaker 1: getting paid. So instead of going home, I drove to

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Speaker 1: Annie's house, unloaded my little car, and started out patient.

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Speaker 1: So why did I live with Annie? She was close

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Speaker 1: to outpatient? She offered, So, yes, it was easy, but

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Speaker 1: was just the path of least resistance? Was I just

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Speaker 1: following a current? Or was I trying to abide by

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Speaker 1: some ethical standards for myself? Without even realizing it, Annie

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Speaker 1: and I got along great. We had a really good

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Speaker 1: friendship because we were friends from rehab. She told me

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Speaker 1: that she had long term sobriety. At one point she

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Speaker 1: got injured and started abusing painments, and so now she

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Speaker 1: was in rehab to get off the pain meds and

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Speaker 1: restart her sobriety. She had long term sobriety. She was

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Speaker 1: surrounded by her friends who had long term sobriety, so

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Speaker 1: her friends were supporting her through this process. She lived

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Speaker 1: on Camarillo Street in this little apartment walk up the stairs.

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Speaker 1: You walk in and it's the living room, the kitchens

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Speaker 1: to the right, and there's a hallway that goes to

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Speaker 1: her bedroom and then the bathroom. I was living on

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Speaker 1: her couch and Patty was in her room. We would

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Speaker 1: have a lot of fun. We'd chit chat, we'd watch

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Speaker 1: shows together, we'd cook together. We loved eating popcorn and

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Speaker 1: watching movies. Annie and I would drive every morning to

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Speaker 1: our group and outpatient, be there for a few hours,

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Speaker 1: and then we'd drive back home to Tuluca Lake. In

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Speaker 1: my spare time, I was exploring Los Angeles. I was

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Speaker 1: driving down the boulevards. I was seeing different houses. I

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Speaker 1: would go shopping. I'd try to do the touristy things.

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Speaker 1: I'd go to the gym. That's one thing that I

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Speaker 1: got really into, this Elle Fitness, the one on Kuwinga.

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Speaker 1: I would go there every morning, so I felt like

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Speaker 1: I was part of a community. During this time, I'm

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Speaker 1: also hanging out with other friends that I met at

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Speaker 1: the outpatient program. Had a new set of friends, so

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Speaker 1: we were, you know, getting closer little by little meals here,

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Speaker 1: coffee dates there. I had a different set of friends,

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Speaker 1: so I kind of needed to get to know these people.

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Speaker 1: When you're an outpatient together, you get to know each

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Speaker 1: other's horror stories about your rock bottoms, so just getting

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Speaker 1: through the day together feels important. At the time, it

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Speaker 1: felt like these would be forever friendships. Listen, I've been

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Speaker 1: in so many psych wards and I've made so many

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Speaker 1: friends in the psyde wards. There's something interesting about going

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Speaker 1: into a hospital or achievement facility. Even for some who

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Speaker 1: was shy. The bond that you're having there because you're institutionalized,

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Speaker 1: helps you get past that. You're forced to really mingle

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Speaker 1: with people because you are relating to each other, whether

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Speaker 1: it's about psych meds or treatment. I knew that they

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Speaker 1: could potentially fizzle out, kind of like my other friendships

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Speaker 1: that I had at hospitals, but I was hopeful. While

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Speaker 1: I was in LA, I also started to feel my

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Speaker 1: old dream come alive again. I was right next to

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Speaker 1: Studio City. I'd see the studios on my drive every morning,

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Speaker 1: and I'd envision myself working in the studios as an actor.

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Speaker 1: So I wanted to move to LA That was my plan.

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Speaker 1: I was doing all the typical La things, looking at

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Speaker 1: the beautiful houses and tree lined streets, going shop, being

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Speaker 1: in Hollywood, they dream about making it here as an

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Speaker 1: actor one day, all the typical LA things, except weirdly,

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Speaker 1: for one thing, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs. This

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Speaker 1: was for two reasons. One, I wanted to respect any

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Speaker 1: sobriety and I was staying with her. Two, since I

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Speaker 1: was doing the outpatient program, there was a random drug testing.

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Speaker 1: But still the narrative in my mind was that this

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Speaker 1: wasn't going to be a permanent thing, kind of like

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Speaker 1: that vacation mindset. Not vacation like sitting on a beach

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Speaker 1: and drinking dacories, but vacation like this is temporary, a

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Speaker 1: temporary version of myself. This is a break from my

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Speaker 1: normal routine, which is my difficult life where I drink

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Speaker 1: to cope. And maybe that's why I got the tattoo,

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Speaker 1: to sort of celebrate this version of myself. I was,

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Speaker 1: in my head, too young to get sober. I still

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Speaker 1: had too much fun to have. I'd never gone to

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Speaker 1: Vegas drinking, I hadn't gone wine tasting in France. I

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Speaker 1: hadn't gone to Miami to have an actual mohido. I

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Speaker 1: was dry and probably doing some stuff that was good

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Speaker 1: for me, being an outpatient reconnecting with my dreams, but

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Speaker 1: I wasn't really committed to my sobriety. Honestly. One of

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Speaker 1: the things that kept me going back to outpatient was

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Speaker 1: that there was a celebrity there that my mom and

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Speaker 1: I grew up watching on one of her favorite TV shows.

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Speaker 1: I kind of went to go see the celebrity. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't doing the program with integrity, with seriousness. I wasn't

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Speaker 1: really doing the program at all. I was just showing up.

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Speaker 1: And that started to create some tension between me and

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Speaker 1: Annie because she was treating it seriously and I was

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Speaker 1: living a different life. She would go to meetings and

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't go with her. She saw that I wasn't

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Speaker 1: doing anything towards my recovery, and I think it annoyed her.

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Speaker 1: I don't think she ever noticed in rehabit that I

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Speaker 1: wasn't taking the program seriously. But now I'm living with her,

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Speaker 1: she sees that I'm just pretty much being a slob

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Speaker 1: and doing nothing but sitting on her couch, sleeping on

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Speaker 1: her couch, watching TV, eating, going out and having fun

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Speaker 1: with my friends. And She's probably like, what the fuck?

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Speaker 1: While she's trying to go to meetings every day and

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Speaker 1: rebuild that foundation she once had being in recovery. There's

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Speaker 1: a fellowship component of it. It's one of the first

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Speaker 1: things that I ever fell in love with in my

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Speaker 1: Toster program, the fellowship. So what I imagine is Annie needed

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Speaker 1: that fellowship to carry her through and support her so

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Speaker 1: early in her sobriety. She probably felt that I was

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Speaker 1: going to be part of that, but I wasn't doing

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Speaker 1: any of the work or going to meetings, so she

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Speaker 1: probably felt let down and disappointed, and she's like, why

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Speaker 1: the fuck are you here. Then I would say about

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Speaker 1: a month had passed by when she called me out

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Speaker 1: on it, and me being defensive, I've said something to

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Speaker 1: of vent her, which then escalated because she could have

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Speaker 1: a temper if she really wanted to. When I am

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Speaker 1: not working a program, I become mean. Emmy's natural impulse

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Speaker 1: is to snap at people. Emmy snaps with mean words,

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Speaker 1: mean actions, and I was not working on learning how

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Speaker 1: to control my impulses. For all I know, Annie might

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Speaker 1: have been just trying to tell me please join me

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Speaker 1: in the program, but what I heard is get the

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Speaker 1: fuck out. That's the thing about when people tell me things,

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Speaker 1: sometimes my perception is off and sometimes I think the

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Speaker 1: worst my impulse reaction towards Annie was saying something mean

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Speaker 1: to her, and then she might have said something like, well,

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Speaker 1: maybe you should leave then, and I was like, oh, yeah, bitch,

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Speaker 1: you bet I'm going to leave. What the fuck am

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Speaker 1: I doing here in your apartment when I have a

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Speaker 1: home in San Diego? So I packed up all my things,

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Speaker 1: loaded them into my little Toyota Corolla, and I was

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Speaker 1: so mad. I was furious. I was like, how dare

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Speaker 1: this bitch tell me to leave? I call my roommate

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Speaker 1: to tell him that I'm coming home to be expecting me.

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Speaker 1: He tells me that there's fires happening, which I already knew.

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Speaker 1: It was all over the news. They were like big

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Speaker 1: fires happening in San Diego at the time. But in

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Speaker 1: that moment, where also am I going to go back home?

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Speaker 1: But I was going to do something first. I was

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Speaker 1: going to drink at Annie, drink at someone, that's what

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Speaker 1: you call it, drink and blame it on Annie, so

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Speaker 1: that she knew what she did to me. I really

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Speaker 1: wanted her to feel guilty. The reality is that no

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Speaker 1: one can force you to drink, no one can force

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Speaker 1: you to relapse. But I was so sick back then

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Speaker 1: that that was my thinking. I'm going to do something

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Speaker 1: to destroy myself and blame you for it. That pattern

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Speaker 1: of I'm going to do this and blame you for

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Speaker 1: it has been passed on for generations in my family.

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Speaker 1: My Modica did it, my mom did it, and now

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Speaker 1: I was doing it. It's early evening. I'm fuming, I'm driving.

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Speaker 1: I'm so upset and so rouled up that I need release.

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Speaker 1: I need something to make me feel better. Alcohol. I

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Speaker 1: started salivating, I started tasting that drink. I was going

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Speaker 1: to order a rum and diet coke. The only bar

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Speaker 1: that I knew was the one that I would see

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Speaker 1: on my way to outpatient, and that's where I was

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Speaker 1: going to go. The parking lot was empty, open sign

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Speaker 1: was on. I pulled into a parking spot. I put

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Speaker 1: the car in park, and I turned off my car.

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Speaker 1: But I became paralyzed in that moment. I couldn't open

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Speaker 1: the door to get out of my car and go

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Speaker 1: into the bar. Something stopped me. That urged drink subsided

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Speaker 1: for a second. The way I interpreted it is that, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm scared to drive drunk. I don't want to get

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Speaker 1: a DUI, So I'll just wait till I get to

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Speaker 1: San Diego to drink. Put it off for a little

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Speaker 1: bit longer, and that was my plan. So I turned

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Speaker 1: on the car again and got on the highway. I

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Speaker 1: was just driving down the five south, the radion, the

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Speaker 1: wind blowing in, and then I got to Camp Pendleton.

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Speaker 1: Camp Pendleton is a military base between Los Angeles and

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Speaker 1: San Diego. I could see smoke, and I could see

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Speaker 1: the tail lights piling up a lot of red. The

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Speaker 1: sky's red, the freeway's red, and there's a black cloud

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Speaker 1: of smoke. I pull up to a stop and bumper

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Speaker 1: to bumper traffic. It's not moving. And then I looked

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Speaker 1: to my left. I could see these trees burning, these

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Speaker 1: tall trees on fire, while these bushes burning, flames rising

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Speaker 1: black smoke everywhere. The air was so thick I could

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Speaker 1: smell it. In reality, it wasn't that close, but it

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Speaker 1: looked close. In the moment, it felt like I could

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Speaker 1: touch it. The fire that I was looking at scared me.

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Speaker 1: I felt like there was this huge power that was

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Speaker 1: outside of myself. The fire was so big and powerful

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Speaker 1: and fiery that I felt something shift inside of me.

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Speaker 1: There was this melancholic feeling about it that came with

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Speaker 1: glimpses of hope. I had been so upset on that

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Speaker 1: drive down, and suddenly I was so calm and so'sen.

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Speaker 1: I was hopeful that life was going to be okay.

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Speaker 1: That gave me peace. It was very similar to when

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Speaker 1: that amt put his hand on my hand on that

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Speaker 1: ambulance drive that I felt a little bit of hope.

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Speaker 1: Now I was like God putting his hand on my

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Speaker 1: shoulder and giving me hope. In that moment, I felt

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Speaker 1: the sense of a higher power. I know today that

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Speaker 1: was God shifting me into a different direction than where

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Speaker 1: I wanted to go. I didn't know what I was

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Speaker 1: driving into. I knew that my life was a mess

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Speaker 1: when I left that I had a lot of wreckage

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Speaker 1: to fix. When I left San Diego, I was leaving

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Speaker 1: the dumpster fire of my life, and now I was

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Speaker 1: driving back to San Diego into a literal fire. I

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Speaker 1: couldn't wrap my head around it, but I was feeling it.

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Speaker 1: I felt God within me. The very next day, I

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Speaker 1: walked into a Tokstep meeting. I looked for someone to

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Speaker 1: sponsor me, and I got to work. My actions and

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Speaker 1: my values were starting to line up. I was starting

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Speaker 1: to make better choices, but I wasn't fully ready to

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Speaker 1: let go of the fantasy I had about myself, the

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Speaker 1: person who could cut loose and have fun drinking, but

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Speaker 1: rein it back in like other people. Until that fire

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Speaker 1: shifted something inside me. Now I knew, deep down I

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Speaker 1: needed to make a change easy enough right next time

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Speaker 1: on Crumbs. Will my willingness to change be enough to

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Speaker 1: stay on this path? Hey, listeners, there's a lot of

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Speaker 1: difficult subjects that we cover in this show. If you

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Speaker 1: or someone you know needs help, you can reach the

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Speaker 1: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Hotline at one eight

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Speaker 1: hundred sixty sixty two four to three five seven. They'll

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Speaker 1: connect you with information and resources on treatment. There's also

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Speaker 1: the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at TWE eight hundred two

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Speaker 1: seven three TA l K. Both are available twenty four seven.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to be in crisis to reach out either.

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Speaker 1: They're available to anyone who needs help. You can also

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Speaker 1: reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline twenty four to seven

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Speaker 1: at one eight hundred six five six four six seven three.

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Speaker 1: Crumbs is a Somoto production in partnership with Iheartsmikutura Network

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Speaker 1: and Trojan Horse Media. It's produced by Margaret Catcher and

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Speaker 1: Patime Ragunath and edited by Rodrigo Crespo. Original music by D.

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Speaker 1: Peter Schmidt and engineering by Mano Barra Studio. Recording by

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Speaker 1: JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. Executive produced by Conor Burn

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Speaker 1: and jesseab And says for iHeart, a Fiumeto, Elizabeth Schutzo

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Speaker 1: and Margaret catch up for Trojan Horse, Camilla Vittriano, Joshua Weinstein,

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Speaker 1: Forer Sonoro and me emmio lea special thanks to Marina Cornella.

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Speaker 1: Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or

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Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts