WEBVTT - Session 478: Surviving Middle School: Your Questions Answered 0:00:10.840 --> 0:00:14.510 Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly 0:00:14.550 --> 0:00:19.310 conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small 0:00:19.350 --> 0:00:22.470 decisions we can make to become the best possible versions 0:00:22.510 --> 0:00:27.560 of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed 0:00:27.580 --> 0:00:32.540 psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find 0:00:32.620 --> 0:00:37.909 a therapist in your area, visit our website at therapyforblackgirls.com. 0:00:38.729 --> 0:00:41.769 While I hope you love listening to and learning from 0:00:41.810 --> 0:00:44.930 the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute 0:00:45.310 --> 0:00:48.410 for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. 0:00:55.940 --> 0:00:56.500 Hey, y'all. 0:00:56.880 --> 0:00:59.460 Thanks so much for joining me for session 478 of 0:00:59.480 --> 0:01:02.890 the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Today, I'm sitting back 0:01:02.930 --> 0:01:05.610 down with Dr. Russell Ledet for the final installment of 0:01:05.690 --> 0:01:08.910 our Surviving Middle School series. He's answering all of the 0:01:08.930 --> 0:01:12.490 questions from our CBG community. But first, a quick word 0:01:12.530 --> 0:01:24.430 from our sponsors. From raising a middle schooler in a 0:01:24.450 --> 0:01:27.830 tech-driven world to truly understanding what's behind the ups and 0:01:27.870 --> 0:01:30.420 downs of this stage of life, We've covered so much 0:01:30.459 --> 0:01:33.920 throughout our Surviving Middle School series. We've talked about friendships 0:01:33.980 --> 0:01:37.200 and fitting in, the growing influence of peers, social media, 0:01:37.400 --> 0:01:41.730 big feelings, and the sometimes tricky shift towards independence. Today, 0:01:41.770 --> 0:01:43.630 we're wrapping up the series with a Q & A 0:01:43.670 --> 0:01:46.530 featuring Dr. Russell Lede, who you may remember from the 0:01:46.569 --> 0:01:50.330 previous episode of this series. We asked you, our TBG listeners, 0:01:50.370 --> 0:01:53.280 to submit your questions about Surviving Middle School. And I 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:55.240 even tapped my own group chat to find out what 0:01:55.300 --> 0:01:59.150 parents really wanted to know. In my conversation with Dr. Lede, 0:01:59.290 --> 0:02:00.990 we dig into some of the questions that come up 0:02:01.050 --> 0:02:03.730 again and again during these years. How can we help 0:02:03.790 --> 0:02:06.850 kids build healthy friendships while navigating the pressure to fit in? 0:02:07.650 --> 0:02:10.030 When should parents be concerned if their child prefers to 0:02:10.070 --> 0:02:13.810 be alone? How do we support kids through bullying, peer pressure, 0:02:13.900 --> 0:02:16.339 and the influence of social media while still giving them 0:02:16.400 --> 0:02:20.720 room to become independent? Throughout our conversation, Dr. Lede shares 0:02:20.780 --> 0:02:23.380 advice and lessons learned around this unique stage of life, 0:02:23.820 --> 0:02:26.600 and I'm excited for you to hear his perspective. Press 0:02:26.650 --> 0:02:33.269 play and let's get into it. Well, thank you so 0:02:33.290 --> 0:02:34.730 much for joining us again, Dr. 0:02:34.770 --> 0:02:37.190 Ledeck. Yeah, I'm so excited to be here, Dr. Joy. 0:02:37.230 --> 0:02:39.630 Thank you for inviting me into the space again. 0:02:40.169 --> 0:02:42.910 Yeah, so people heard you on the podcast. There were 0:02:42.950 --> 0:02:46.250 all kinds of follow-up questions. My group chat had questions. 0:02:46.290 --> 0:02:48.290 So I will get right into it so that we 0:02:48.310 --> 0:02:51.160 can cover as many as possible. So I first want 0:02:51.180 --> 0:02:53.620 to start by talking more about friendships because we know 0:02:53.680 --> 0:02:56.000 that this is a really big thing that kids are 0:02:56.080 --> 0:02:59.240 navigating during this age. So how do we help kids 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:02.180 navigate the desire to be liked and to fit in? 0:03:02.600 --> 0:03:05.609 Yeah, this is one of my favorite topics. So I'm 0:03:05.650 --> 0:03:08.209 glad you're starting off with this one. First, I want 0:03:08.230 --> 0:03:12.290 to conceptualize something for parents. I've heard some parents like 0:03:12.350 --> 0:03:18.080 criticize their children for wanting to belong. And sometimes they 0:03:18.100 --> 0:03:21.540 frame it as like weakness or like vanity, but actually 0:03:21.700 --> 0:03:22.820 it's a developmental need. 0:03:22.980 --> 0:03:25.260 Like it's something that you need during your teenage years. 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:30.100 The goal is not necessarily to fit in. The goal 0:03:30.160 --> 0:03:32.000 is also not to fit out. So I like to 0:03:32.060 --> 0:03:36.080 do something real quick. I like to distinguish these two 0:03:36.140 --> 0:03:39.540 words that we use all the time. Actually it's three words, 0:03:39.600 --> 0:03:43.770 but two phrases. There's belonging and which is this, like 0:03:43.790 --> 0:03:46.510 you could think of belonging as I can be myself 0:03:46.590 --> 0:03:49.670 and I can still be accepted. And then there's fitting in. 0:03:50.470 --> 0:03:53.100 Fitting in says I have to change who I am 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:56.680 in order to avoid rejection. So belonging and fitting in 0:03:56.780 --> 0:04:00.400 are not the exact same thing. You want to skew 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:04.660 your kids towards figuring out where they belong as opposed 0:04:04.760 --> 0:04:07.160 to them trying to fit in. Now there's going to 0:04:07.180 --> 0:04:09.750 be some gray areas there. Because maybe there are some 0:04:09.790 --> 0:04:12.170 parts of them that need to grow. And maybe what 0:04:12.210 --> 0:04:14.470 we perceive as them fitting in is them actually growing. 0:04:15.090 --> 0:04:16.710 And I think the goal in all of this is 0:04:16.770 --> 0:04:18.720 not to convince your children that they should not. 0:04:18.620 --> 0:04:21.860 Care about what other people think. That's unrealistic. 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:24.960 What we want them to do is to care without 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:27.700 allowing other people's opinions to completely. 0:04:27.300 --> 0:04:30.580 Define who they are. So I like to.. 0:04:32.839 --> 0:04:36.400 Ask parents to do something that allows the child to 0:04:36.460 --> 0:04:40.870 build their identity that doesn't focus on popularity. So like, 0:04:41.110 --> 0:04:45.170 what are things that you're good at? What matters to you? Like, 0:04:45.250 --> 0:04:48.350 what is something that's really important to you? Where do 0:04:48.390 --> 0:04:51.130 you feel like you get to be yourself the most? 0:04:51.770 --> 0:04:54.309 And then my favorite question I like to have parents 0:04:54.330 --> 0:04:58.750 to ask is, what makes you feel comfortable Instead of 0:04:59.050 --> 0:05:01.270 your friends always trying to figure out if there's something 0:05:01.290 --> 0:05:05.090 that needs to be fixed by you. And the other 0:05:05.130 --> 0:05:08.250 piece of this, aside from figuring out the child's identity 0:05:08.310 --> 0:05:12.030 outside of popularity, is curiosity on the part of the parents. 0:05:12.690 --> 0:05:15.740 So instead of criticizing the child for building friendships and 0:05:15.760 --> 0:05:19.700 trying to figure out social confidence, one thing parents can 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:23.520 do is be curious. Like genuinely just be like curious George. 0:05:23.540 --> 0:05:26.820 Like you just asking questions because... Either you want to 0:05:26.860 --> 0:05:29.680 confirm your assumptions or you want to correct your assumptions, 0:05:30.500 --> 0:05:32.560 or you just want to understand better what the child 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:35.540 is thinking about this thing from. So questions I like 0:05:35.580 --> 0:05:37.220 to tell parents that they can ask their kids is, 0:05:37.900 --> 0:05:40.370 how do you feel after you spend time with so-and-so? 0:05:41.110 --> 0:05:43.320 How do you feel after you spend time with that? 0:05:44.470 --> 0:05:46.770 Are you able to disagree with that person and you 0:05:46.830 --> 0:05:50.190 all can still be friends? Are there times when they 0:05:50.250 --> 0:05:53.190 pressure you to do something that you have no interest 0:05:53.250 --> 0:05:59.180 in doing whatsoever? And then this question around identity comes 0:05:59.260 --> 0:06:01.780 back around when you are curious and you say, well, 0:06:01.800 --> 0:06:03.460 do you feel like you could just be yourself around them? 0:06:04.400 --> 0:06:05.820 And if they say yes, then you say, oh, that 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:07.120 might be a pretty good friend. 0:06:07.620 --> 0:06:10.719 But also have them define what they mean by when 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:12.279 they say, I can be myself. 0:06:12.339 --> 0:06:13.339 Because I can be. 0:06:13.300 --> 0:06:16.950 Myself can be them being a version of themselves that 0:06:17.029 --> 0:06:21.270 doesn't align with the family values or who you're hoping 0:06:21.310 --> 0:06:23.190 that they define themselves to become. 0:06:23.810 --> 0:06:27.130 And you know it can lead to some pretty deleterious behaviors. 0:06:28.650 --> 0:06:29.980 Thank you so much for this, Dr. 0:06:30.000 --> 0:06:30.240 Lede. 0:06:30.250 --> 0:06:33.180 And I appreciate you talking about the idea of don't 0:06:33.220 --> 0:06:36.320 worry about other people's opinions being unrealistic. Because even as adults, 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:38.520 we worry about other people's opinions, right? 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:42.540 Yeah, it's like, oh, you don't worry about what they think. 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:46.520 What are you talking about? You care about what other 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:47.900 people think right now. 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:50.190 I mean, you don't want it to be so much 0:06:50.230 --> 0:06:53.360 so that it defines who you are. But what other 0:06:53.380 --> 0:06:56.680 people think actually matters, like the period of push and 0:06:56.720 --> 0:07:00.020 pull with the teenager, right, is a period where you're 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:04.479 asking your child to accept feedback. And in asking them 0:07:04.680 --> 0:07:07.720 to accept feedback, you're also asking them to consider someone 0:07:07.740 --> 0:07:08.460 else's opinion. 0:07:09.380 --> 0:07:12.580 So if that's the case, then they probably. 0:07:12.260 --> 0:07:14.010 Do need to care about what other people think because 0:07:14.050 --> 0:07:15.970 you're going to ask them to care about what you think. 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:18.260 But then some parents may elevate themselves and say, well, 0:07:18.300 --> 0:07:21.200 but I'm the parent. And I'm like, you're still another person. 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:24.360 You know, so, yeah. 0:07:25.670 --> 0:07:28.500 So related to this, what if my child doesn't have 0:07:28.580 --> 0:07:31.850 any desire to actually be a part of social relationships? 0:07:31.890 --> 0:07:34.910 Like they're maybe identify as a loner and don't actually 0:07:35.350 --> 0:07:38.650 prefer to hang around people. Is that a concern? 0:07:39.810 --> 0:07:43.370 It can be when it's like isolation for extended periods 0:07:43.430 --> 0:07:43.790 of time. 0:07:43.810 --> 0:07:45.150 For sure, it can be concerning. 0:07:45.890 --> 0:07:50.150 I think more often than not, children are, well, there's 0:07:50.210 --> 0:07:51.570 a couple of different things that can come with that 0:07:51.620 --> 0:07:54.540 that I want to preface. One is how much time 0:07:54.580 --> 0:07:57.520 are they spending on the internet? Because these days, a 0:07:58.000 --> 0:07:59.220 lot of kids will say, oh, I have a lot 0:07:59.260 --> 0:08:00.840 of friends. And you're like, so who are your friends? 0:08:01.260 --> 0:08:02.860 And they're like, oh, my friends are on the internet. 0:08:02.900 --> 0:08:05.720 These are people they've never met before. These are people 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:09.740 who may be adults. These are people who may be, like, 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:12.400 there's a lot more to that. So if your kid 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:14.220 is isolating and spending a lot of time on the internet, 0:08:14.260 --> 0:08:16.960 I would be quite concerned. The other thing is too, 0:08:17.200 --> 0:08:24.140 kids will oftentimes develop friendships with people who share their interests. 0:08:26.030 --> 0:08:29.630 And we have to take into account temperaments. The three 0:08:29.650 --> 0:08:31.970 main temperaments that we always talk about is easy, difficult, 0:08:32.010 --> 0:08:33.750 and slow to warm, right? Like those are kind of 0:08:33.770 --> 0:08:37.709 the three big buckets. Easy kiddos tend to be easier 0:08:37.770 --> 0:08:41.990 to make friends. Difficult kids, it takes quite a while. 0:08:42.130 --> 0:08:43.569 And then the slow to warm kids, you kind of 0:08:43.590 --> 0:08:45.660 see them start off very slow and then they just.. 0:08:46.420 --> 0:08:47.239 Move on yet. Right. 0:08:48.179 --> 0:08:50.420 They may have had the temperament of a difficult child. 0:08:50.820 --> 0:08:54.260 And so what that means is, is that longer established 0:08:54.300 --> 0:08:57.380 relationships may be more helpful for them. And so keeping 0:08:57.420 --> 0:08:59.150 them in contact with kids as they've been around for 0:08:59.190 --> 0:09:02.809 a while. Some kids like a multiplicity of friends. Some 0:09:03.010 --> 0:09:05.230 kids are like, I just like a small circle. My 0:09:05.270 --> 0:09:05.770 same friends. 0:09:05.929 --> 0:09:08.030 I don't want a whole bunch of new friends. 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:10.300 And both of those things are okay because you see 0:09:10.320 --> 0:09:14.580 that into adulthood as well. And so I think you 0:09:14.620 --> 0:09:17.880 would have to know the temperament and strengths of your child. 0:09:18.520 --> 0:09:19.559 What are their interests? 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:22.470 Which is why I'll go back to a question that 0:09:22.500 --> 0:09:25.750 I phrased in the first segment of the questions, which 0:09:25.809 --> 0:09:27.929 was like, how curious are you? 0:09:28.210 --> 0:09:30.390 Like how genuinely curious are you? 0:09:30.790 --> 0:09:33.050 I'm not talking about like curious so that you could 0:09:33.090 --> 0:09:34.870 get to a point that you want to make. I mean, 0:09:34.890 --> 0:09:38.679 like you genuinely are like, I just want to know. 0:09:38.860 --> 0:09:41.050 I don't have much of an opinion about it. I 0:09:41.070 --> 0:09:43.189 just want to know. And then I want to take 0:09:43.210 --> 0:09:45.570 what this child tells me at face value and respond 0:09:45.610 --> 0:09:48.070 to that as opposed to what I assume it to be. 0:09:48.090 --> 0:09:50.720 I think one of the things that I always try 0:09:50.740 --> 0:09:52.660 to encourage parents to do is make the least amount 0:09:52.700 --> 0:09:53.679 of assumptions as possible. 0:09:54.220 --> 0:09:57.320 Ask questions like kids actually like questions. They get to 0:09:57.480 --> 0:09:59.380 answer it in a way that makes sense to them. 0:10:00.050 --> 0:10:01.840 and you get to learn something about them. 0:10:02.340 --> 0:10:04.670 Same way you and your spouse continue to ask each 0:10:04.700 --> 0:10:06.940 other questions to learn more about each other as you evolve. 0:10:08.140 --> 0:10:10.580 Children are the exact same way. They're evolving, they're developing, 0:10:10.600 --> 0:10:13.700 they're growing. Ask questions because maybe what they liked before, 0:10:13.760 --> 0:10:16.420 they don't like anymore. I look at my daughter now, 0:10:16.500 --> 0:10:18.440 she's eight years old and she's starting to phase out 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:20.950 of the Lilo and Stitch phase which is crazy for 0:10:20.990 --> 0:10:23.010 me because I spent so much time with Lilo and Stitch, 0:10:23.290 --> 0:10:24.950 but I'm also okay with it. And I'm like, hey, 0:10:24.990 --> 0:10:27.150 what's the new thing that you like? And now it's 0:10:27.290 --> 0:10:30.490 the Dogman books. Like she's big into the whole like 0:10:30.570 --> 0:10:33.410 Dogman book thing, right? And so I'm just like, okay, 0:10:33.530 --> 0:10:35.320 all right. So now we're in the Dogman book phase 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:37.980 and we are probably moving out of Lilo and Stitch phase. 0:10:38.510 --> 0:10:40.500 So what that means is that like, maybe I'll build 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:44.620 her an activity to do that's around Dogman. 0:10:45.160 --> 0:10:46.460 And it's not around Lilo and Stitch. 0:10:46.520 --> 0:10:49.720 Whereas previously I would have built her like math problems 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:53.420 and reading comprehension problems that were associated with Levo and Stitch. 0:10:53.900 --> 0:10:55.280 Now we got to move her under the dogman because 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:57.740 my goal is to keep her interest. Same thing happens 0:10:57.780 --> 0:11:00.600 during the adolescent years. Figure out what they're interested in 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:03.180 and then try to center activities and things around that. 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:07.859 That's helpful. Thank you. Our next question, how can we 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:10.420 support kids who we feel like may be being picked 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:11.380 on or bullied? 0:11:11.880 --> 0:11:12.200 Yeah. 0:11:12.740 --> 0:11:14.559 So there's some things I have to say before I 0:11:14.600 --> 0:11:17.840 answer this question. I think If you are a parent 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:21.280 who did not grow up with emotional safety, then this 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:25.380 very well may be difficult for you to do because 0:11:25.679 --> 0:11:29.160 you're not familiar with it. It's not necessarily that it's 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:31.780 not something that you don't want or something that you 0:11:31.820 --> 0:11:33.069 don't even want for your child. 0:11:33.750 --> 0:11:36.949 You just are simply not familiar with it. So there 0:11:36.970 --> 0:11:38.050 may be challenges with this. 0:11:38.429 --> 0:11:40.610 I would tell parents to start off by believing the 0:11:40.670 --> 0:11:44.520 emotional experience of the child. You don't even need to 0:11:44.559 --> 0:11:48.800 know every factual detail of what happened. You need to 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:53.880 believe the emotional experience of the child. No questions asked. 0:11:53.940 --> 0:11:55.820 They come to you and telling you about being bullied, 0:11:55.860 --> 0:11:58.140 being picked on, stuff like that. You got to believe 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:02.439 their emotional experience, how it's making them feel. Even if 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:05.200 you don't know all the factual details, the emotional component, 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:07.480 they're not lying to you about that. And there are 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:12.390 things that will sometimes minimize that. unhealthy things that we 0:12:12.410 --> 0:12:16.530 can say and stuff like just ignore it they're only 0:12:16.590 --> 0:12:20.570 joking oh one i hate is you need to toughen 0:12:20.630 --> 0:12:26.040 up i hate hearing that one and the reference point 0:12:26.100 --> 0:12:28.060 of their own childhood oh that happened to me when 0:12:28.120 --> 0:12:30.819 i was young it's like first of all this is 0:12:30.840 --> 0:12:35.020 your child not your childhood let's just start there stop 0:12:35.240 --> 0:12:37.280 using you as a reference for this child because your 0:12:37.300 --> 0:12:39.850 child is not you And I need you to be 0:12:39.950 --> 0:12:41.740 okay with the fact that your child is not you. 0:12:42.050 --> 0:12:43.620 They're not even an emulation of you. 0:12:44.860 --> 0:12:47.940 So I think there are some healthier openings that we 0:12:47.980 --> 0:12:51.640 can use with our children. I'm glad you told me 0:12:51.700 --> 0:12:56.199 about this. I'm excited that you told me about this. 0:12:56.360 --> 0:13:02.030 I appreciate you trusting me with what's going on. Another 0:13:02.110 --> 0:13:04.770 one to validate their feelings is you didn't deserve that. 0:13:06.510 --> 0:13:09.310 Like you don't deserve that because then it helps them 0:13:09.429 --> 0:13:12.729 to establish some sense of self. Like, oh, yeah, I 0:13:12.770 --> 0:13:15.630 don't think I deserve this. And now I'm glad that 0:13:15.670 --> 0:13:19.640 the leader in my home doesn't think that I deserve this. 0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:22.140 And then ask about some of the details. Like, has 0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:25.180 this happened more than once? Do you feel safe going 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:27.960 to school? What is it that I can do to 0:13:28.020 --> 0:13:31.160 help you in this moment versus what can I do 0:13:31.260 --> 0:13:34.810 to help you when it comes down to school? And 0:13:34.850 --> 0:13:37.750 then there's the clarifying component and not in a like, 0:13:37.870 --> 0:13:40.050 I told you, I knew that's what was going on. No, 0:13:40.830 --> 0:13:43.110 I don't know how helpful that's going to be. But 0:13:43.130 --> 0:13:46.570 you can clarify what actually happened, have them do some storytelling. 0:13:47.030 --> 0:13:49.670 Maybe they need to draw it out. Maybe they need 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:51.240 to tell you a little bit of it, take a 0:13:51.270 --> 0:13:52.720 break and then come back and tell you some more 0:13:52.740 --> 0:13:54.179 because they may be reliving it. 0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:56.700 And that may be difficult for them to do. Is 0:13:56.740 --> 0:14:01.040 this simply just some conflict? Is this teasing? Is this 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:04.920 them being rejected? Is this fight bullying? 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:09.620 Because all of those things I just named, whether it's conflict, teasing, rejection, bullying, 0:14:11.200 --> 0:14:17.720 or physical harm, all of those things are painful. And 0:14:17.820 --> 0:14:20.160 all of those things being painful doesn't mean that they 0:14:20.280 --> 0:14:25.790 all require the same intervention. The conflict may require your 0:14:25.830 --> 0:14:29.190 child learning about conflict. there's kind of an offshoot there 0:14:29.250 --> 0:14:31.350 where it's like, how do you all handle conflict at home? 0:14:31.990 --> 0:14:34.690 If you just shut down the conversation as a parent 0:14:34.730 --> 0:14:37.560 and say, no, we're just not talking about this anymore. Okay, well, 0:14:37.580 --> 0:14:39.700 then your child probably will not be able to do 0:14:39.720 --> 0:14:41.820 a good job when it comes down to resolving conflict 0:14:41.840 --> 0:14:44.220 because they didn't get to practice at home. If it 0:14:44.260 --> 0:14:47.300 comes down to teasing, obviously you could take the approach of, well, 0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:49.880 figure out a joke to tell them back to kind 0:14:49.950 --> 0:14:51.970 of keep the banter going if it's just something funny 0:14:52.010 --> 0:14:54.190 and it's harmless or something like that. But if it's 0:14:54.230 --> 0:14:56.590 genuinely to the point where it's like rejection and bullying 0:14:56.650 --> 0:14:58.440 and stuff like that, okay, how do we want to 0:14:58.460 --> 0:15:00.890 address this? Do we want to have a conference with 0:15:00.910 --> 0:15:03.650 the teacher? Do I have a close enough relationship with 0:15:03.670 --> 0:15:05.370 the parent where I can go and talk to them? 0:15:05.990 --> 0:15:08.050 Am I at a place where I can emotionally have 0:15:08.090 --> 0:15:11.670 this conversation safely? Or do I need to work through 0:15:11.690 --> 0:15:14.010 some stuff? And this is where I'm going to challenge 0:15:14.030 --> 0:15:17.250 a lot of parents because for the parents who still 0:15:17.650 --> 0:15:20.720 institute corporal punishment, I'm like, everybody says like, don't touch 0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:21.260 my baby. 0:15:21.380 --> 0:15:23.460 And then you do. I'm like, it's so confusing. 0:15:23.580 --> 0:15:26.590 I'm like, this is counterintuitive all by itself and it's 0:15:26.630 --> 0:15:28.330 something to sit with for a lot of parents because 0:15:28.350 --> 0:15:32.310 it's like this is counterintuitive you've already helped your child 0:15:32.330 --> 0:15:34.510 to realize that it's okay for somebody to physically harm 0:15:34.530 --> 0:15:37.610 them but then they have to clarify who exactly can 0:15:37.630 --> 0:15:40.150 do it that's a very confusing thing to do for 0:15:40.170 --> 0:15:44.030 a child any child even young teenagers that's just complicated 0:15:44.070 --> 0:15:47.710 but and then I think the way you have these 0:15:47.750 --> 0:15:51.880 conversations needs to be with a collaborative tone it needs 0:15:51.900 --> 0:15:54.420 to always be with a let's figure this out together 0:15:55.580 --> 0:15:57.380 And then I think there are some warning signs that. 0:15:57.260 --> 0:15:59.600 Will require even more intervention. 0:15:59.640 --> 0:16:02.620 Like if your child is like not sleeping at night, 0:16:03.040 --> 0:16:06.710 avoiding school, their grades are starting to go down. They 0:16:06.750 --> 0:16:11.230 have injuries now that nobody can explain. They're always complaining 0:16:11.250 --> 0:16:14.090 of like physical ailments. And you're like, well, where did 0:16:14.110 --> 0:16:16.380 that come from? Like when you take their clothes off 0:16:16.390 --> 0:16:18.000 and you see bruises and stuff, okay, you need to 0:16:18.040 --> 0:16:21.910 intervene immediately. Right. And so I think it depends on 0:16:21.950 --> 0:16:24.330 the degree of it. But I think our job as 0:16:24.390 --> 0:16:27.790 parents is to simultaneously make our children more resilient, but 0:16:27.830 --> 0:16:31.190 also feel safe. Both of those things need to happen 0:16:31.210 --> 0:16:31.910 at the same time. 0:16:32.430 --> 0:16:34.270 And, you know, I can imagine, Dr. Lede, like if 0:16:34.310 --> 0:16:38.010 you have this collaborative approach with your kid and say like, OK, 0:16:38.130 --> 0:16:40.390 if the decision is made to talk with the family 0:16:40.410 --> 0:16:43.350 and like the parents, I can imagine teens being like, no, 0:16:43.370 --> 0:16:46.790 that's going to be embarrassing. But if it does require 0:16:46.830 --> 0:16:49.370 that level of intervention, like what might make that a 0:16:49.410 --> 0:16:52.030 little bit more acceptable to a teen or a preteen 0:16:52.050 --> 0:16:54.250 that this is how you feel like it needs to happen? 0:16:54.690 --> 0:16:56.410 Yeah, Dr. Joy, this is an amazing question. 0:16:56.500 --> 0:16:58.920 I think the follow up here is let's have a 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:04.219 conversation about what's embarrassing about it. Let's like tell me 0:17:04.300 --> 0:17:08.040 what's embarrassing about it to you. You know, tell me 0:17:08.240 --> 0:17:10.439 what's going to happen as a function of someone thinking 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:12.240 that you're protecting yourself. 0:17:12.560 --> 0:17:14.199 And how are you conceptualizing this? 0:17:14.750 --> 0:17:19.310 Are you conceptualizing this as this is some component of 0:17:19.369 --> 0:17:21.430 my persona to my colleagues? 0:17:21.930 --> 0:17:25.010 Or are you conceptualizing this as I need to protect myself? 0:17:26.810 --> 0:17:30.950 Because one of those things is going to go more 0:17:31.020 --> 0:17:33.000 towards fitting in. The other one is going to go 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:36.100 more towards belonging. I don't want you around people who 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.100 will physically harm you or even emotionally harm you. And 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:41.060 it doesn't sound like you want to be around people 0:17:41.140 --> 0:17:43.399 who emotionally harm you. Because that's why we're having this 0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:47.679 conversation right now. And kids can sometimes be in conflict. They, 0:17:48.040 --> 0:17:53.280 on one hand, they want these quote unquote friends, but 0:17:53.300 --> 0:17:55.419 then they realize that like, oh, some of these friendships 0:17:55.480 --> 0:17:59.510 are harmful, but I don't know how to untether myself 0:17:59.530 --> 0:18:01.410 from these things, which is a process. 0:18:01.450 --> 0:18:05.050 Like, and it's not a linear process. 0:18:05.290 --> 0:18:08.209 Like it literally is a work in progress for the 0:18:08.250 --> 0:18:10.929 parents and the child. And the best thing in the 0:18:10.990 --> 0:18:13.970 world is, is the fact that your child is even 0:18:14.050 --> 0:18:18.150 discussing this with you. Because they could choose to not 0:18:18.210 --> 0:18:21.800 have this conversation with you at all. They could just 0:18:21.820 --> 0:18:24.220 be going through this thing on their own. You know 0:18:24.260 --> 0:18:26.350 nothing about it. They don't talk to you about it. 0:18:26.640 --> 0:18:30.459 They act like everything is fine. They minimize it until 0:18:30.500 --> 0:18:32.030 they can't minimize it anymore. 0:18:33.310 --> 0:18:33.720 And so.. 0:18:34.230 --> 0:18:36.650 You know, like I said, the goal is, yes, indeed, 0:18:36.710 --> 0:18:38.889 to make your child more resilient is not to rescue 0:18:38.910 --> 0:18:40.840 them from everything, but at the same time is to 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:42.980 ensure that your child is physically and emotionally safe. 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:47.920 And that safety starts at home. That's helpful. 0:18:47.940 --> 0:18:50.300 Thank you for that. So I want to move on 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:52.630 to our next set of questions that's really more about 0:18:52.670 --> 0:18:54.390 kind of like how do we continue to help them 0:18:54.430 --> 0:18:57.609 navigate this independence and maybe resilience that you're talking about. 0:18:58.280 --> 0:19:00.959 How can parents keep the lines of communication open as 0:19:01.060 --> 0:19:04.760 kids become more influenced by their friends and their social environment? 0:19:05.800 --> 0:19:06.260 Oh, man. 0:19:08.420 --> 0:19:16.200 You know, my favorite thing to tell parents is, can 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:21.920 your children just talk to you? I remember doing this content, 0:19:22.000 --> 0:19:24.360 which I thought was just like pretty basic. And then 0:19:25.080 --> 0:19:27.400 my daughter was like, no, dad, like I have. friends 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:29.680 who watched this and were like, yes, I wish I 0:19:29.700 --> 0:19:32.590 could tell my parents that. And one day I was 0:19:32.630 --> 0:19:34.930 telling my daughter, I was like, I'm a doctor. My 0:19:34.970 --> 0:19:39.070 job is to heal. And because my job is to heal, 0:19:39.330 --> 0:19:43.550 anytime I hear of a problem, I have to stop myself. 0:19:44.830 --> 0:19:46.690 Because it's so bad, I just want to fix it 0:19:46.730 --> 0:19:49.950 for you. And there are some things that it's not 0:19:50.170 --> 0:19:52.150 my job to fix it for you. It's my job 0:19:52.190 --> 0:19:54.419 to be there whether you fall or you succeed at it. 0:19:55.369 --> 0:19:57.369 It's a safe thing that you need to figure out 0:19:57.390 --> 0:19:59.629 how to navigate on your own. I'm giving you as 0:19:59.670 --> 0:20:00.930 many tools as I possibly can. 0:20:01.690 --> 0:20:03.210 You got to figure this one out. Let me know 0:20:03.260 --> 0:20:05.859 if you need my help. She's like, yeah, that is helpful. 0:20:06.880 --> 0:20:09.200 And then she was like, yeah, sometimes when I'm talking 0:20:09.220 --> 0:20:12.129 to you, I just want you to like, just vibe 0:20:12.170 --> 0:20:12.429 with me. 0:20:12.510 --> 0:20:13.129 Just listen. 0:20:13.270 --> 0:20:15.550 Just like, just vibe it out with me. Like, yeah, 0:20:15.570 --> 0:20:17.949 come live in my world for a little bit. And 0:20:17.970 --> 0:20:20.970 then sometimes I genuinely need your advice. She was like, 0:20:21.090 --> 0:20:23.639 and even when I get your advice, sometimes I'm not 0:20:23.680 --> 0:20:28.020 going to take it. And I was like, that's real. 0:20:28.780 --> 0:20:31.300