1
00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:02,880
Speaker 1: You don't win love, you don't find love. The love

2
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,040
Speaker 1: is already there. The analogy I like to use as

3
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,880
Speaker 1: love as the breeze, and the work that we're doing

4
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,119
Speaker 1: is to open our sales. You know, I struggled in

5
00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:11,520
Speaker 1: my last situation because I could not receive love. It

6
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,520
Speaker 1: wasn't that there wasn't love there. It was my inability

7
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:17,079
Speaker 1: to open my sales because of the walls, the lack

8
00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:20,000
Speaker 1: of vulnerability might need to win in an argument, all

9
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,600
Speaker 1: of these ideas, I realized that it was me. I

10
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,840
Speaker 1: had my door close, I had my sales close to

11
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:34,000
Speaker 1: the breeze that was always there. Hey, everyone, welcome back

12
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,120
Speaker 1: to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.

13
00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:39,360
Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every single one of you that

14
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:42,920
Speaker 1: come back every week to become a happier, healthier and

15
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,960
Speaker 1: more healed Now. One of the things I love about

16
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,479
Speaker 1: the show is sitting down with a friend who's an

17
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:53,080
Speaker 1: incredible thinker or a thought leader, a philosopher, or a poet.

18
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,320
Speaker 1: It provides a very special conversation when I get to

19
00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,040
Speaker 1: sit with someone that I hang out with the law offline,

20
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,360
Speaker 1: but then we get to turn the cameras on and

21
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,880
Speaker 1: the recording devices on and do something online. I hope

22
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:08,720
Speaker 1: you get to hear that friendship, that brotherhood in today's conversation.

23
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,720
Speaker 1: And I find there's something really special about sitting down

24
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:17,039
Speaker 1: with someone who has really interesting ideas has taken the

25
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:22,039
Speaker 1: time to document them and systematize them into a book.

26
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,440
Speaker 1: I'm speaking about one of my dearest friends, Humble the Poet,

27
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:31,480
Speaker 1: a Canadian born rapper, spoken word artist, designer, poet, internationally

28
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:35,600
Speaker 1: best selling author, and former elementary school teacher. What began

29
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:39,000
Speaker 1: is reciting spoken word poetry and coffee shops to impress

30
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:43,199
Speaker 1: girls evolved into creative adventures that has spanned the last

31
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:49,040
Speaker 1: ten years, crossing genres, mediums, and oceans. His first two releases,

32
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:54,280
Speaker 1: Unlearned and Things Nobody Can Teach Us have become international bestsellers.

33
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,920
Speaker 1: And today we're talking about his new book, How to

34
00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:02,880
Speaker 1: Be Loved, Simple Truths for going easy on yourself, embracing imperfection,

35
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,000
Speaker 1: and loving your way to a better life. I want

36
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:07,880
Speaker 1: you to go and grab a copy of this book

37
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,240
Speaker 1: right now, Order it right now. We're putting the link

38
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,040
Speaker 1: in the captions and in the show notes, How to

39
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:17,200
Speaker 1: Be Loved by Humble the Poet. Humble, it is so

40
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,720
Speaker 1: great to have you here man officially, Yes, thank you

41
00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:22,680
Speaker 1: so much for having me. You didn't you including my

42
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,880
Speaker 1: bio Ping pong front of me? Oh yeah yeah, ping

43
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:28,079
Speaker 1: pong front of me. Yeah, I mean, well we shouldn't

44
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,320
Speaker 1: go there. We shouldn't. I mean the only official game

45
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,280
Speaker 1: we've had I won, and that's why fund in front

46
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:39,040
Speaker 1: of me. You won that pair of very old headphones.

47
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,360
Speaker 1: That was the prize. It was a birthday party and

48
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,600
Speaker 1: our friend found a pair of headphones and made that

49
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,960
Speaker 1: the fries. And then in the first round you knocked

50
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,200
Speaker 1: me out. No, it was so when we play unofficially,

51
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,560
Speaker 1: Humble beats me in ping pong all the time, Like,

52
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,880
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever beaten you when we've been

53
00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:58,359
Speaker 1: hanging out. Ever, when it doesn't count, it doesn't. God. Yeah.

54
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,280
Speaker 1: But then the official game, and then I gave the

55
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,520
Speaker 1: headphones away to someone who I felt deserved them more.

56
00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:06,160
Speaker 1: I was lucky that day. I can't believe it. I

57
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:11,560
Speaker 1: was on some lucky street. Well, yeah, it was a party. Yeah,

58
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,239
Speaker 1: you're a little bit gypsies. I don't drink, so I

59
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:18,240
Speaker 1: got away. Yeah, you have a few competitive advantages. I

60
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,280
Speaker 1: love it, bumble man. We've been friends for like I'm

61
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,280
Speaker 1: like four years now. I feel like since since we

62
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:28,799
Speaker 1: started having our conversations completely, and it's been beautiful to

63
00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:31,920
Speaker 1: like just you know, I think as two people in

64
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,280
Speaker 1: an industry where it's busy and we're doing so much,

65
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,880
Speaker 1: somehow I think we found a way to have these

66
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,600
Speaker 1: really meaningful conversations. I remember I was at your house

67
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,480
Speaker 1: earlier this year, at your apartment earlier this year, and

68
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,080
Speaker 1: we were hanging out. And then the next day everyone

69
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,240
Speaker 1: was like, well, what time did Jay leave or what happened?

70
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,320
Speaker 1: Because everyone I always leave early to go to sleep

71
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,960
Speaker 1: early generally is what I do. And I was at

72
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,600
Speaker 1: your house to like two am, and I was like,

73
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,960
Speaker 1: how did you get Jay to stay out to two am?

74
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,280
Speaker 1: And we weren't. All we did was have deep, meaningful,

75
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,000
Speaker 1: thoughtful conversation. It was so You're one of the few

76
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,080
Speaker 1: people that I can actually do that with. So I

77
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,000
Speaker 1: cherish our friendship very deeply. I mean, likewise, as I said,

78
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,200
Speaker 1: this is the first conversation. I'm not holding a notepad.

79
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,200
Speaker 1: I just sit here and try to pick your brain

80
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,840
Speaker 1: as much as I can and try to learn as

81
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:19,640
Speaker 1: much as I can. And I appreciate you always make

82
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,480
Speaker 1: time for me always man always. But I'm so glad

83
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,960
Speaker 1: you wrote this book, bro, because you know, I'm obsessed

84
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,159
Speaker 1: with love, my new books about love. But I think

85
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,719
Speaker 1: when you're obsessed with something and you get deep into it,

86
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,880
Speaker 1: it's really interesting to hear from someone else who's obsessed

87
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,440
Speaker 1: with it and gotten really deep into it. Yeah, And

88
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,760
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about what we said

89
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,440
Speaker 1: in the intro about the idea of how you used

90
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,120
Speaker 1: to be spoken word to impress girls. And I think

91
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,400
Speaker 1: the idea of impressing someone is such a big part

92
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:51,200
Speaker 1: of how love starts, Like I can relate to that

93
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:55,480
Speaker 1: so much like the extent I've gone through to impress

94
00:04:55,560 --> 00:05:00,839
Speaker 1: women in my previous life. It's insane and woke me through.

95
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:04,600
Speaker 1: Why do we try to impress people that we may

96
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,960
Speaker 1: be attracted to or maybe not even attracted to. Yeah,

97
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,640
Speaker 1: I think, you know, I think for thousands of years

98
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,920
Speaker 1: we lived in smaller communities, and we only understand ourselves

99
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,440
Speaker 1: in relation to everybody else. You know, you walk into

100
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,320
Speaker 1: your family, you know where you are in the hierarchy,

101
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,960
Speaker 1: and then we you know, many of us only two

102
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,760
Speaker 1: generations that go came from families and small villages. So

103
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,320
Speaker 1: it's like you find your definition and your value in

104
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,720
Speaker 1: relation to others, and in modern life in these big

105
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,640
Speaker 1: metropolis cities, it's not as relevant, but that need to

106
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,640
Speaker 1: be seen, that need to be validated, is completely there.

107
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,560
Speaker 1: And I think that's where we have a lot of

108
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,360
Speaker 1: challenges in realizing love is because we spend so much

109
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,279
Speaker 1: time try to feed our self esteem, not realizing that

110
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,480
Speaker 1: love comes from self respect, which is way more internal

111
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,920
Speaker 1: and it's completely you know, you're absolutely right. Like even

112
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,120
Speaker 1: me doing poetry back then, it was like I was

113
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,200
Speaker 1: writing about things as an artist that mattered to me,

114
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,640
Speaker 1: and I was exploring concepts, but my only motivation to

115
00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,640
Speaker 1: share it was to get attention. And you start to

116
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,320
Speaker 1: feed off of that, and it gets really interesting now

117
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,800
Speaker 1: because we live in a world with that attention, there's

118
00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:06,919
Speaker 1: a metric beside it. You can count your likes, you

119
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,800
Speaker 1: can count your comments, you can count your followers. So

120
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,039
Speaker 1: now it's like the world subtenly tells you who to

121
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,800
Speaker 1: be if that attention matters. Like, oh I did a post,

122
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:18,600
Speaker 1: it didn't get enough engagement, so let's go ahead and

123
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,080
Speaker 1: post something else, and then oh this really got a

124
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,600
Speaker 1: lot of engagement. Let me make five more things like that,

125
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,680
Speaker 1: and it's killing our ability to discover ourselves and our

126
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,840
Speaker 1: authentic selves, and instead it's making us live for display purposes,

127
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:35,000
Speaker 1: which is going to continually close pathways to love. This

128
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,840
Speaker 1: is why I love talking to you. I'm loving this already.

129
00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:38,800
Speaker 1: There's so many things that you said that I'm like, yes,

130
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,760
Speaker 1: I want to talk about this. Let's I love what

131
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,560
Speaker 1: you just talked about. And I saw you post about

132
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,839
Speaker 1: this a few months ago about the difference between self

133
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,599
Speaker 1: esteem and self respect, and that really hit a nerve

134
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,560
Speaker 1: with me when you first posted about it. Walk us

135
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:56,320
Speaker 1: through how you define them differently and why that's useful

136
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:59,039
Speaker 1: in this journey of to love. So, for me, self

137
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,320
Speaker 1: esteem is external, self respect is internal, and I feel

138
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,520
Speaker 1: like the ways we go about it don't have to

139
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,600
Speaker 1: be much different. When you keep your promises to yourself,

140
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,680
Speaker 1: you know, you build self respect, and I think either

141
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:13,840
Speaker 1: you're chasing one or the other. The more self respect

142
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,880
Speaker 1: you develop, the less self esteem you're going to chase.

143
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,720
Speaker 1: The more self esteem you chase, the less self respect

144
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,040
Speaker 1: is going to be in the room. They kind of

145
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,000
Speaker 1: can't hold hands. So for me, you start to realize

146
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,080
Speaker 1: that it's a relationship. It just depends on how you're

147
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,240
Speaker 1: going to spend and devote that energy. The challenge with

148
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,360
Speaker 1: self esteem and it being external is there's just way

149
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,040
Speaker 1: too many people with way too many opinions on who

150
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:39,240
Speaker 1: you can be, you know, like that Dita Vant's quote,

151
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,520
Speaker 1: you can be the juiciest peach in the world. There's

152
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,920
Speaker 1: just some people who don't like peaches, you know, and

153
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,480
Speaker 1: that can have an impact on people. And a lot

154
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,880
Speaker 1: of people are negatively impacted by the comments on their

155
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,440
Speaker 1: social media, by how well they're received when people are

156
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,360
Speaker 1: looking at them or what have you. So what I'm

157
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,760
Speaker 1: realizing is as we focus on self respect to me,

158
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,360
Speaker 1: which is I said, honoring your commitments, doing hard things,

159
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:06,440
Speaker 1: focusing on progress and not perfection, that's a really big one.

160
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,320
Speaker 1: I think when we have these ideas of what we

161
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:17,520
Speaker 1: think love is, it's oftentimes not love. Attention, control, power, admiration, beauty, success,

162
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,800
Speaker 1: these things are all external things that we can receive

163
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,200
Speaker 1: from the world, and they feel like love and they

164
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,080
Speaker 1: give us a lot of immediate gratification. I refer to

165
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,040
Speaker 1: them as bootleg loves, Like when you go to the

166
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,240
Speaker 1: outlet mall got a fake Gucci belt and you know,

167
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,080
Speaker 1: you get a little rush from it. Immediately, but you

168
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,520
Speaker 1: keep thirsting from more. You know it puts you in

169
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:42,160
Speaker 1: further scarcity. So when we focus on that, it's a

170
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,080
Speaker 1: never ending journey. Whereas when we develop more self respect,

171
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,160
Speaker 1: we feel a level of peace. It's not instead of

172
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,000
Speaker 1: getting everything you want, you start to want less. Yeah,

173
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,679
Speaker 1: and I think for me that's the really big difference.

174
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,839
Speaker 1: And self respect can be literally developed through anything that

175
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,760
Speaker 1: you commit to do and the more difficult to better.

176
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,400
Speaker 1: Let's say, don't do hard things for me as a

177
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,480
Speaker 1: cold shower in the morning. And when we focus on progress,

178
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,480
Speaker 1: especially as we're entering a new year, it's really important

179
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,360
Speaker 1: to set intentions instead of expectations because oftentimes we say, oh,

180
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,559
Speaker 1: I want to lose ten pounds. Now you subtly have

181
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,360
Speaker 1: told yourself I'm not good enough as I am, and

182
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,840
Speaker 1: when I lose ten pounds, magically, I'm going to feel better.

183
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:24,160
Speaker 1: Instead of doing that because you're harming your relationship with yourself.

184
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,679
Speaker 1: Focus on progress. I want to have a healthier breakfast,

185
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:32,040
Speaker 1: and maybe my breakfast has ten different elements to it.

186
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,640
Speaker 1: I'm going to switch out one at a time, or

187
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,480
Speaker 1: I want to wake up earlier. Let's say I'm waking

188
00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,800
Speaker 1: up at noon every day and I want to get

189
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,960
Speaker 1: to six am. You can't just jump from noon to six.

190
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,480
Speaker 1: Let's focus on progress. Let's start with eleven forty five,

191
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,600
Speaker 1: slowly workout way down. Progress can be endless. You know,

192
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:52,120
Speaker 1: whereas I think society, especially in capitalism, they need to

193
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,079
Speaker 1: sell us stuff to make us feel like we matter.

194
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,160
Speaker 1: And the message they keep sending us is chase perfection,

195
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,320
Speaker 1: and perfect doesn't exist, and perfect is the last place

196
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,679
Speaker 1: love would exist. Because the only way to develop a

197
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,840
Speaker 1: deep connection with somebody is through your vulnerabilities. You are perfect,

198
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:10,280
Speaker 1: you can't be vulnerable. So for me, vulnerability comes through

199
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:14,040
Speaker 1: self respect, being brave enough to admit you know where

200
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,560
Speaker 1: you're difficult to be with, what you struggle with, what

201
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,360
Speaker 1: your challenges are, and then that opens up someone else

202
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,199
Speaker 1: an opportunity to do the same, and then you connect

203
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,440
Speaker 1: on a deeper level. Yeah, I want to reflect on

204
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,680
Speaker 1: some of the things that came to my mind as

205
00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:30,040
Speaker 1: you were talking. It's interesting, isn't it. Like we say

206
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:34,280
Speaker 1: we want love, but actually we want attention. Yeah, we

207
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:38,040
Speaker 1: say we want love, but actually we want validation. We

208
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,160
Speaker 1: say we want love, but actually we just want compliments.

209
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,520
Speaker 1: So we don't actually know what love is or want

210
00:10:44,559 --> 00:10:48,720
Speaker 1: love because we're chasing it through these other forms of

211
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,679
Speaker 1: cheap adoration or cheap affection. One of the things that

212
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:57,480
Speaker 1: hit me about what you just said about vulnerability and

213
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,400
Speaker 1: this pursuit of perfection when actually imperfection is at the

214
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:06,319
Speaker 1: core of love and relationships is I was coaching a

215
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:10,439
Speaker 1: CEO recently and we were working through some of their

216
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,480
Speaker 1: mental health challenges. It was really interesting to me because

217
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,920
Speaker 1: I was encouraging them to share that with their team.

218
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,360
Speaker 1: I was saying, you should share the challenges you're going

219
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,840
Speaker 1: through because it will be a healthy thing to do.

220
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,640
Speaker 1: And they said to me, they said, Jay, how can

221
00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:29,760
Speaker 1: I share my challenges? I'm the strong one, I'm the

222
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:32,600
Speaker 1: brave one, I'm the one who has it all together.

223
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,839
Speaker 1: And I said to them, I said, what's stronger than

224
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:40,599
Speaker 1: you telling them your truth? Like, what's braver than you

225
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,760
Speaker 1: being vulnerable with that person? Like, there's nothing more strong,

226
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,959
Speaker 1: There's no greater act of courage. And when they went

227
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,040
Speaker 1: and told their team, they followed through on the advice.

228
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,800
Speaker 1: The team's unanimous response was us two like they were

229
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,280
Speaker 1: going through the same stuff and all of a sudden

230
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,480
Speaker 1: they felt connected. So I guess what I love about

231
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,119
Speaker 1: what you're saying when you talk about like not chasing perfection,

232
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,319
Speaker 1: when you talk about doing hard things. There was one

233
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,280
Speaker 1: more thing you said, commitments, honoring your commitments. So those

234
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,040
Speaker 1: three things that you mentioned to me, that's actually what

235
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,600
Speaker 1: self love is, Like we keep her in self love,

236
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,959
Speaker 1: and you've talked about self respect, which I think is

237
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:25,040
Speaker 1: a really great pivot a pathway. But those three habits

238
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:29,520
Speaker 1: are really deeply important when we're alone and when we're single,

239
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:34,000
Speaker 1: and when we're not in a relationship. Let's talk about

240
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:40,360
Speaker 1: why doing hard things is so important in the pursuit

241
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,040
Speaker 1: of love, because I don't think those things a lot

242
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,160
Speaker 1: of what you just mentioned. I'm like, is this a

243
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,199
Speaker 1: habit's book? Like you're helping people with their day to

244
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,960
Speaker 1: day habits, But there's a connection there that I don't

245
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,960
Speaker 1: think people see. Yeah, one of my favorite mantras from

246
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,600
Speaker 1: myself is an easy day at the gym was not

247
00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:59,280
Speaker 1: a good day at the gym, And I start to

248
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,040
Speaker 1: apply that to life, an easy day of life is

249
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,520
Speaker 1: not a good day. I think what we have in

250
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:08,680
Speaker 1: this society is we sell convenience and we sell comfort,

251
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:15,480
Speaker 1: and both of those don't inspire growth or evolution. Or

252
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,800
Speaker 1: for us to unlock a better version of ourselves. So

253
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:25,240
Speaker 1: voluntarily doing hard things, you know, prepares us when hard

254
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,720
Speaker 1: things find us. You know, I think, for example, you know,

255
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,000
Speaker 1: when you know as an entrepreneur it's a very challenging job.

256
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,120
Speaker 1: But then when you're an entrepreneur, you understand that, hey,

257
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,720
Speaker 1: money's not guaranteed. I don't get a salary every two weeks.

258
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,640
Speaker 1: Nothing's promised to me. So then when you come across

259
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:45,400
Speaker 1: a situation where things shut down, layoffs for session, what

260
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,760
Speaker 1: have you, you're better prepared. You know, life's gonna throw curveballs.

261
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,440
Speaker 1: What we can do when things are good is practice

262
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,800
Speaker 1: our swing. So for me, doing hard things is picking

263
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:59,120
Speaker 1: a challenge. And my personal equation is one foot and

264
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,880
Speaker 1: what I know foot and what's familiar in one foot,

265
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,040
Speaker 1: and what's unfamiliar and what's uncomfortable. So I'm not overdoing.

266
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,520
Speaker 1: If I want to learn to swim, I don't jump

267
00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:08,160
Speaker 1: into the ocean the first day. We started in the

268
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,760
Speaker 1: kiddie pool, and then we work our way up and

269
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:14,679
Speaker 1: picking things voluntarily that are difficult, whatever it is, and

270
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,960
Speaker 1: understanding that even for us, you know, it took ten

271
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,520
Speaker 1: years to learn how to read, there was a systematic

272
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,880
Speaker 1: program put in school for us to do it. Forget that,

273
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,760
Speaker 1: We forget that, and we didn't have We didn't have

274
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,040
Speaker 1: self esteem issues or confidence issues back then, being like

275
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,800
Speaker 1: I don't know the alphabet, I shouldn't even bother where.

276
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,960
Speaker 1: When we were babies trying to learn how to walk,

277
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,000
Speaker 1: you know, we got up and we fell back down.

278
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,640
Speaker 1: We didn't give up to say it's not for me.

279
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,440
Speaker 1: But as adults, because we don't have somebody kind of

280
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:43,120
Speaker 1: laughtering over us, we may start something we're not okay

281
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,000
Speaker 1: with sucking at it in the beginning, we don't see

282
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,560
Speaker 1: it as fun. But you know, I play a lot

283
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,080
Speaker 1: of video games. If I dropped ninety bucks on a

284
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,280
Speaker 1: video game and it's too easy, then it wasn't worth

285
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,880
Speaker 1: it for me. You know, we need challenges, We need

286
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,800
Speaker 1: to we need resistance, We need to push and pool.

287
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,280
Speaker 1: We need that tug of war because that's going to

288
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,440
Speaker 1: make us stronger. It's going to make us more resilient.

289
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:06,160
Speaker 1: Sitting in the ice makes you resilient, helps you recalibrate

290
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,960
Speaker 1: your fight or flight. So now your fight or flight

291
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,240
Speaker 1: isn't triggered through an awkward conversation or an email or

292
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,360
Speaker 1: a text message or a bill that comes you know,

293
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,960
Speaker 1: it gets back to where it needs to be, which

294
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,840
Speaker 1: is important. So I think for me, it's recognizing that

295
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,360
Speaker 1: it's not chasing comfort, it's not chasing the simple stability,

296
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,600
Speaker 1: it's not chasing convenience. It's being like, Okay, there is

297
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,760
Speaker 1: a harder way of doing things. Let's do that for

298
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,240
Speaker 1: the sake of doing it, because when the difficulties of

299
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,560
Speaker 1: life find us, we're much more resilient and much more prepared.

300
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,920
Speaker 1: And I think for me, that allows me to realize

301
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,640
Speaker 1: my value as an individual, what I'm capable of, and

302
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,760
Speaker 1: how I can spread that and be of service to

303
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:47,320
Speaker 1: other people, which to me is a massive language of love. Wow. Yeah,

304
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,520
Speaker 1: And I mean when I'm hearing you speak, it's like

305
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:55,880
Speaker 1: that getting comfortable in discomfort is almost like the number

306
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,560
Speaker 1: one skill needed in life, because I feel like most

307
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,880
Speaker 1: of as you said, what society is trying to teach

308
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:07,600
Speaker 1: us in your words, convenience and comfort, and it's trying

309
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,960
Speaker 1: to avoid discomfort that we're trying to avoid it, We're

310
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,440
Speaker 1: trying to dodge it, We're trying to hope that how

311
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:17,600
Speaker 1: can I avoid any sort of pain, struggle, discomfort, And

312
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,520
Speaker 1: while while you're not saying to invite it, but we've

313
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,120
Speaker 1: got to get comfortable in that uncertainty and comfortable with

314
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:29,200
Speaker 1: that pain. And that applies to anything from dating, through

315
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:33,920
Speaker 1: the breakups, through to loving ourselves of course through the

316
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,200
Speaker 1: journey we're on. One of the things you say in

317
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,200
Speaker 1: the book that I wanted to pick out was feeling

318
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:45,880
Speaker 1: left out and rejected brings up those ancient anxieties of danger.

319
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:50,240
Speaker 1: And I think that's one of the biggest discomforts, is

320
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,960
Speaker 1: feeling left out and rejected, Like when you talk about

321
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:58,000
Speaker 1: being uncomfortable when you go to an event and you

322
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,760
Speaker 1: feel like you'd rather lock yourself into a bathroom because

323
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,360
Speaker 1: you don't want to be around anyone, or forget that

324
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,119
Speaker 1: you didn't even get invited in the first place. And

325
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,760
Speaker 1: sometimes you get upset because you didn't get invited, even

326
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,920
Speaker 1: if you didn't want to go that. Yeah, so talk

327
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,840
Speaker 1: to me through that sentence. Feeling left out and rejected

328
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,880
Speaker 1: brings up those ancient anxieties of danger. Again. If we

329
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:23,280
Speaker 1: were ostracized from our communities back, you know, generations ago,

330
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,840
Speaker 1: it actually meant our death, you know, And that's in

331
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:31,520
Speaker 1: our programming now, which makes us in modern life prioritize

332
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,000
Speaker 1: likability over everything. And the challenge with that is there's

333
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,160
Speaker 1: so many things that create pathways of love and allow

334
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:42,440
Speaker 1: us to realize love won't necessarily make us likable to everybody.

335
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:47,120
Speaker 1: If you want to establish boundaries. For example, establishing boundaries

336
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,239
Speaker 1: will reduce the amount of people that want to be

337
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:53,440
Speaker 1: around you because so many people enjoy crossing boundaries or

338
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,280
Speaker 1: you know, find power in that or find significance in that.

339
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,760
Speaker 1: But it's important to establish boundaries. It's important to show

340
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,480
Speaker 1: your I have a chapter in the book called Love

341
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,960
Speaker 1: is Showing your teeth. It's important to let people know

342
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,920
Speaker 1: if they've crossed the line. It's important to let people

343
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,720
Speaker 1: know if they've made if they've hurt you. It's important

344
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,360
Speaker 1: to let people know if you're doing things that you're

345
00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:14,399
Speaker 1: not okay with, because if you don't, you absorb it

346
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:18,119
Speaker 1: inside instead, and then you fall into this world of resentment,

347
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,520
Speaker 1: which to me, I think is one of the darkest

348
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:23,760
Speaker 1: places we can be. And you can't express or realize

349
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,760
Speaker 1: love in this place of resentment. So our fears of

350
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,040
Speaker 1: not being likable, you know, as I said in the subtitle,

351
00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:33,320
Speaker 1: this book is going easy on yourself. This is in

352
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,600
Speaker 1: our programming. We want to be liked. We want to

353
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,280
Speaker 1: be accepted, and we are in a modern society which

354
00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:42,240
Speaker 1: is given us scores for our likability and acceptance, but

355
00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:45,399
Speaker 1: that will not necessarily help us realize more love. And

356
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,320
Speaker 1: we have to see the difference. Not everybody is going

357
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,000
Speaker 1: to like you and that's okay, and focusing on that

358
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,600
Speaker 1: will allow us to build deeper connections with people that

359
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,560
Speaker 1: do matter, you know, going back to this idea of

360
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,560
Speaker 1: the CEO and the vulnerability, you know, I was raised

361
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,639
Speaker 1: in a household that subtenly told me to suck it up,

362
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:07,760
Speaker 1: be self regulated. So now I also viewed vulnerability as

363
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,560
Speaker 1: a weakness. I viewed having a romantic partner that complained

364
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,760
Speaker 1: as just being naggy and weak, not realizing that my

365
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:19,280
Speaker 1: inability to have empathy, you know, was because of the

366
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,480
Speaker 1: fortresses I made. I made a fortress to protect myself,

367
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,520
Speaker 1: but really it was a prison. And then when somebody

368
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,560
Speaker 1: came to me that I cared about what their problems,

369
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,280
Speaker 1: I wanted to instantly solve it. I thought, that's what

370
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,040
Speaker 1: men do, Men solve problems. We're solution oriented. But the

371
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:36,200
Speaker 1: truth what I realized from myself was no, they were

372
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:39,640
Speaker 1: sharing their pain. It was triggering my pain. I didn't

373
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,760
Speaker 1: want to feel my pain, so I wanted to shut

374
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,760
Speaker 1: them up. And the three ways I was trying to

375
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,880
Speaker 1: shut them up was either not speaking to them, trying

376
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,600
Speaker 1: to solve their problems, or saying something really stupid like

377
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,880
Speaker 1: well there's other people going through way worse than you,

378
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,879
Speaker 1: like have some perspective, and then slowly realizing through this

379
00:19:55,960 --> 00:20:00,960
Speaker 1: journey that empathy is feeling their pain, not saying anything,

380
00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:03,760
Speaker 1: just giving them a hug and being in that pain together.

381
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:09,040
Speaker 1: And for me, like these are very recent realizations for

382
00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:11,520
Speaker 1: me as I'm trying to figure out how to deepen

383
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:14,440
Speaker 1: my connection with human beings as well. And I don't

384
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,119
Speaker 1: hold it against anybody from being raised to think that

385
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,760
Speaker 1: vulnerability is a weakness. But you are absolutely right. The

386
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:23,119
Speaker 1: strongest thing you can do is be vulnerable and admit

387
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:28,359
Speaker 1: where you're having trouble. That's ultimate strength. And you know,

388
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,919
Speaker 1: I'm glad to hear that that story worked out for him. Yeah, yeah, absolutely,

389
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,840
Speaker 1: But I mean you just said something again interesting which

390
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:38,200
Speaker 1: I actually had noted down, was where is this? Oh? Yeah,

391
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,960
Speaker 1: you reference the need to sit with your pain in

392
00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:45,480
Speaker 1: order to experience love. Yes, I don't think we naturally

393
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,760
Speaker 1: put those thoughts together. And that's what I've always loved

394
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,280
Speaker 1: about what you do with ideas is I don't think

395
00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:52,640
Speaker 1: we kind of like when you hear that, you're like, well,

396
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,000
Speaker 1: I need to unpack that, because you wouldn't necessarily think

397
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,760
Speaker 1: those two things correlate. The inspiration behind this entire journey was,

398
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,200
Speaker 1: you know, a relationship that I was in that that

399
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,159
Speaker 1: didn't run the course, and all I would do, and

400
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,119
Speaker 1: in isolation, especially during the pandemic, was beat myself up

401
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,880
Speaker 1: over it, as if I had somehow failed. So there

402
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
Speaker 1: was a lot of reflecting and thinking about, you know,

403
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,879
Speaker 1: the what it could have should us, and city not

404
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,280
Speaker 1: realizing the subconscious because whether we're aware of a trauma,

405
00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:22,520
Speaker 1: whether we're aware of a discomfort, we feel it and

406
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,919
Speaker 1: we're going to feel and then most often, going back

407
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,000
Speaker 1: to modern society, there are so many convenient options to

408
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:31,439
Speaker 1: suppress that temporarily. So for me, I was living that

409
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,640
Speaker 1: life was if I felt anxious, I would go and

410
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,000
Speaker 1: have a slice of pizza, or I would go and

411
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,240
Speaker 1: you know, watch television or go on my phone. And

412
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,920
Speaker 1: then you start to realize that so often the only

413
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,320
Speaker 1: reason we get involved with somebody is because we're outsourcing

414
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,960
Speaker 1: the antidote to our loneliness, not realizing that loneliness isn't

415
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,040
Speaker 1: having people around. Loneliness is a lack of connection. And

416
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,320
Speaker 1: I could contribute to why we have such a high

417
00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:59,399
Speaker 1: divorce rate because people are getting together, but they're not

418
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,840
Speaker 1: getting to get as two individuals are getting together with

419
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,240
Speaker 1: these kind of romanticized ideas of your my better half,

420
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:11,320
Speaker 1: you complete me. Humans don't need completing humans aren't half

421
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,639
Speaker 1: a person. And I think, but these are ideas that

422
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,320
Speaker 1: are sold to us. They're sold to us in media.

423
00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:18,399
Speaker 1: They're sold to you know, every single famous couple of

424
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,760
Speaker 1: Ross and Rachel's. They have to be people with very

425
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,160
Speaker 1: unhealthy attachment styles to be entertaining because the most healthy

426
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,960
Speaker 1: relationships we know are not very eventful. They wouldn't make

427
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,800
Speaker 1: for entertaining television. I don't. I don't think it's a

428
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 1: conspiracy that these television shows exist. They're just entertaining us. Yeah,

429
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:38,760
Speaker 1: And I think realizing that for me, having a relationship

430
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:42,320
Speaker 1: with yourself is being alone. Being alone isn't sitting in

431
00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:46,480
Speaker 1: bed on your phone. Being alone is being absolutely alone

432
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,960
Speaker 1: doing absolutely nothing, which for me is also a form

433
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,280
Speaker 1: of meditation. And for me it's my favorite form of

434
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:57,119
Speaker 1: meditation because it's it's a form that doesn't require you

435
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,439
Speaker 1: to ask, am I doing this right? The right way

436
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:04,640
Speaker 1: of doing nothing? Instantly you started to feel anxiety because

437
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,760
Speaker 1: you're not stimulated. You know, the dopamines, it's not coming.

438
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,280
Speaker 1: And but the longer you do that, the more ground

439
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,080
Speaker 1: did you become with yourself? Yeah, and now you're in

440
00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:17,320
Speaker 1: a position to be in a relationship where you can serve.

441
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,720
Speaker 1: The book has love stories, and there's one love story

442
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 1: about somebody I connected with wanted to pursue. They explained

443
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,400
Speaker 1: to me they don't have time and and and I

444
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:29,760
Speaker 1: was upset, and I was like, look, if you don't

445
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,800
Speaker 1: make time for people, then you're never gonna have anybody.

446
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,639
Speaker 1: Don't you get lonely? And she goes, I do get lonely.

447
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,679
Speaker 1: And then I said, so what are you What are

448
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,120
Speaker 1: you gonna do when you're lonely? She goes, I dance.

449
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:41,280
Speaker 1: It was when I'm lonely, I dance and then I

450
00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:45,760
Speaker 1: connect with myself. Wow, that's super mature. Yeah. Yeah, I

451
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:54,480
Speaker 1: was on the phone, like, I guess I got together. Yeah,

452
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:57,040
Speaker 1: But and I left her alone after that, because you know,

453
00:23:57,119 --> 00:23:59,199
Speaker 1: she was very clear with her bound she said, what

454
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:02,200
Speaker 1: have you and what you realize is we want connection

455
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,639
Speaker 1: the you know, the fast food version of connection. Self

456
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,120
Speaker 1: connection would be self pity. Nobody understands what I'm going

457
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:11,760
Speaker 1: through except for me. Nobody's ever had the heartbroken. I'm

458
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:13,200
Speaker 1: all by myself. I just want to be able to

459
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,000
Speaker 1: complain about it. But something deep to actually create an

460
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 1: authentic connection with just yourself can be dancing to feel

461
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 1: your body. How many of us, when is the last

462
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,520
Speaker 1: time we've looked at ourselves in the mirror and looked

463
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,639
Speaker 1: at our body and we're not critical and looked at

464
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:33,240
Speaker 1: our body from a perspective of gratitude, Like how many

465
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:37,200
Speaker 1: of us have already chosen our favorite body part, even

466
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,240
Speaker 1: though our body has been with us since day zero,

467
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,440
Speaker 1: And even when we make poor choices, our body tries

468
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,560
Speaker 1: its best to adjust. We have bad posture, our body

469
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,160
Speaker 1: tries to adjust we don't put good things inside our body.

470
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,920
Speaker 1: It tries its best to adjust. This relationship with ourselves,

471
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,200
Speaker 1: our physical body can be the first step to creating

472
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,439
Speaker 1: an authentic pathway of love, which can then inform the

473
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,960
Speaker 1: relationships we can have with everybody else. You know, this

474
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 1: conversation is just in a beautiful way as always just

475
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,199
Speaker 1: connecting so many dots that are coming up, and I

476
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,080
Speaker 1: want to talk about a few things. One thing that

477
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:13,160
Speaker 1: came up was this idea of what you're saying setting boundaries.

478
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:17,240
Speaker 1: And I think one of the challenges that we have

479
00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:21,680
Speaker 1: with setting boundaries is we want to be perceived as nice,

480
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:25,560
Speaker 1: and when we set a boundary, we think we're going

481
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 1: to be perceived as unkind, and so we'd rather not

482
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,600
Speaker 1: set the boundaries so that again, someone likes me and

483
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:36,200
Speaker 1: thinks that I'm a nice person, but inside I'm going, God,

484
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:37,960
Speaker 1: I wish I wasn't around this person. I wish I

485
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,119
Speaker 1: wasn't here, I wish I wasn't doing that. Why do

486
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:43,120
Speaker 1: you think so often or what are your thoughts about

487
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:48,280
Speaker 1: how we compromise our own values and our own boundaries

488
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,880
Speaker 1: in order to appear more nice and likable Like that

489
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:57,479
Speaker 1: seems to be the biggest disassociation from ourselves. Yeah, I

490
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,000
Speaker 1: think it's the short term gratification versus a long term

491
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,240
Speaker 1: I think the short term gratification. For me specifically, I

492
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:06,280
Speaker 1: can say I became someone that people came to with

493
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:10,760
Speaker 1: their problems and I felt value that I was needed,

494
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,320
Speaker 1: and it took a therapist to help point out where

495
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,680
Speaker 1: she said, listen, the reason you actually want people you

496
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 1: were receiving people is because it's such a one sided

497
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,600
Speaker 1: conversation that it gives you the impression that you have

498
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:26,119
Speaker 1: a relationship. But you're never vulnerable because they're just telling

499
00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:28,919
Speaker 1: you their problems. They don't even notice that they're not

500
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 1: asking you about yours. And you like that because that

501
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:35,200
Speaker 1: helps you avoid being vulnerable, which feels uncomfortable for you.

502
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,040
Speaker 1: But she goes in the long run, which you don't realize,

503
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 1: and you said it, it builds resentment, and there can't

504
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,080
Speaker 1: be loved if there's resentment. So what happens is this

505
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,159
Speaker 1: feeling of I need to be needed, which, again, if

506
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,159
Speaker 1: we think about how we were raised, a lot of

507
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:51,920
Speaker 1: us were raised to find our value when we were needed.

508
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 1: A lot of us made these decisions and decided our

509
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 1: pathway of life when we were kids, when we were

510
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,800
Speaker 1: thinking very binary. It was either this or that, black

511
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:01,879
Speaker 1: and white. And as we became adults and we can

512
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:05,000
Speaker 1: see life a lot more complex, we never updated our policies,

513
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,919
Speaker 1: and so what happens is life is more complex, but

514
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:10,280
Speaker 1: we're looking at it through such a simple shade. And

515
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,880
Speaker 1: this idea is like okay. And when we were kids too,

516
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,240
Speaker 1: whenever something negative happened, we absorbed it as if it

517
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,240
Speaker 1: was our fault. You know. I have a story in

518
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,280
Speaker 1: the book my mom once got sick and I vomited

519
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,639
Speaker 1: all over my bathroom as a little child, and my

520
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 1: mother was awakened from that. She had work, she got

521
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 1: upset with me, and I blamed myself for that, not

522
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 1: having context as an adult realizing, wait, you know, she

523
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,600
Speaker 1: works a night shift. He's not a horrible person. You

524
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,240
Speaker 1: didn't mess up. It's just everybody can be cranky and

525
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 1: what have you. And now you know, making jokes about

526
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,159
Speaker 1: my mom because the grandmother version of my mom is

527
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 1: completely sweet. She has time, she's not working anymore, no

528
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:52,480
Speaker 1: more survival mode. But me internalizing that story, that narrative

529
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,440
Speaker 1: stuck with me up until today. We've had conversations about

530
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:59,080
Speaker 1: gratitude versus guilt, you know, and my journey as an artist,

531
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:03,080
Speaker 1: crashing people's couches, people giving places to stay, hearing my

532
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,480
Speaker 1: mother's voice, don't be a mooch, fill up their fridge

533
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 1: full of groceries. Make sure they know even for you know,

534
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,479
Speaker 1: the help that you've done with me in this journey

535
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,199
Speaker 1: what can I give J? What can I give J?

536
00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:15,399
Speaker 1: And then questioning is that authentic gratitude or am I

537
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,919
Speaker 1: just operating from a place of guilt? And if it's

538
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,160
Speaker 1: not authentic gratitude, then it's not being done with love.

539
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,240
Speaker 1: And then if it's come from a place of guilt,

540
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:25,440
Speaker 1: that's usually related to fear, which is definitely not from

541
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,240
Speaker 1: a place of love. And I think going through that journey,

542
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,920
Speaker 1: I think is extremely important. So when we fear being unlikable,

543
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 1: we're closing off an option in a pathway to realize

544
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:40,040
Speaker 1: love for some short term peace from our anxiety. You know,

545
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,360
Speaker 1: it's like pleasure, Like we're chasing pleasure to medicate a

546
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:45,440
Speaker 1: lack of peace. Yeah, when the peace would come from

547
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:49,360
Speaker 1: establishing boundaries, there's going to be an uncomfortable transition period,

548
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 1: but you'll get to a point where the people who

549
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:55,280
Speaker 1: love you view your boundaries as an instruction manual on

550
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:57,720
Speaker 1: how to be with you and how to have a

551
00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:01,200
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with you. Because what is for the people

552
00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,520
Speaker 1: who have boundaries and you respect their boundaries, they will

553
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,800
Speaker 1: stay in your lives. Yeah, you know, instead of you

554
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,160
Speaker 1: just trying to avoid somebody who always tries to overstep

555
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:11,960
Speaker 1: your boundaries. Yeah, I mean what you just said that

556
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:15,360
Speaker 1: was so powerful. I was interviewing someone the other day

557
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:20,200
Speaker 1: and they asked me the question. They said, well, what's

558
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:23,200
Speaker 1: your working style? So they're like, what's how do you

559
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 1: like to be communicated with? And how do you like

560
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:29,960
Speaker 1: to be informed of updates and things like that. I

561
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:32,280
Speaker 1: don't like, this is a great interview question, like for

562
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,000
Speaker 1: someone to ask me. I'm interviewing them completely, but they're

563
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 1: asking me that. And I got to tell them and

564
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: they were like, what are your pet peeves when it

565
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 1: comes to communicating and so like I got to walk

566
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 1: them through. What I realized was they made me feel

567
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,040
Speaker 1: really comfortable and confident with them because I was like, Wow,

568
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:51,000
Speaker 1: this person's really mature and knows that I'm not perfect.

569
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,160
Speaker 1: I'm not always going to be available. They need to

570
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,800
Speaker 1: understand a few things about me to work well with me.

571
00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 1: What was demanded of me, though, was self aware ns

572
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 1: in order to infer that to them. And so what

573
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,520
Speaker 1: I find here is that what happens in relationships or

574
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:09,960
Speaker 1: in love is that we don't feel that way. We

575
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:13,520
Speaker 1: feel that person should be perfect. They should already understand me,

576
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:16,240
Speaker 1: I should understand them and we're going to do whatever

577
00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 1: it takes to love each other. And the other problem is,

578
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,239
Speaker 1: even if you ask that question, chances are a lot

579
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,640
Speaker 1: of people don't have the self awareness to share what

580
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 1: their pet peeves are. So the girl who says to you, Hey,

581
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 1: I dance when I'm lonely, that's high self awareness, right, Like,

582
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,960
Speaker 1: that's the fact that there was an answer there that

583
00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:39,760
Speaker 1: was satisfying to you and that almost left you speechless

584
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,960
Speaker 1: to some degree. Yeah, it's like, oh wow. So I

585
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: find that there's two sides. One is our openness that

586
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,400
Speaker 1: I'm going to get into a relationship where we're both

587
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 1: not perfect. The other is the other person having the

588
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:58,160
Speaker 1: knowledge of themselves. And it feels like we're lacking in

589
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:01,200
Speaker 1: both right now, I think definitely. And I think one

590
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,320
Speaker 1: of the reasons is because of our ideas around love,

591
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:08,000
Speaker 1: we don't have to teach somebody that imperfection is okay

592
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:11,520
Speaker 1: in the world of love. Every single person we currently love,

593
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,600
Speaker 1: we could probably list out their imperfections and then the

594
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:19,760
Speaker 1: second question is do any of those imperfections disqualify them

595
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:23,600
Speaker 1: from your love? You know? Also, you know, the analogy

596
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:25,160
Speaker 1: that I always think about too, is like the first

597
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 1: time I held my baby niece. I had never met

598
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: her before, I had never had an interaction before, but

599
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:33,240
Speaker 1: just holding her filled me up with love. So you

600
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:36,520
Speaker 1: don't even need history, you don't even need interaction. So

601
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 1: oftentimes we have this diskewed idea that love is something

602
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 1: you earn, love is something you win, love is something

603
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:46,800
Speaker 1: you qualify for. Love is at the end of the rainbow.

604
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,200
Speaker 1: And I think these ideas motivate these types of actions

605
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:52,440
Speaker 1: where it's like I have to appear perfect. Another thing

606
00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:55,600
Speaker 1: I realized about myself recently, and I think this is

607
00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 1: for a lot of men who are often seen as

608
00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 1: distant or avoidant. Is we spend and so much time

609
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,640
Speaker 1: on a date trying to win over the other person,

610
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 1: charm them, make them, make them feel like we're really

611
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 1: worth it, that we spend no time looking at the

612
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:12,320
Speaker 1: other person to see is this a good fit for me?

613
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,960
Speaker 1: We get over their wall, we penetrate their fortress, we

614
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:20,479
Speaker 1: make them feel safe. Then once they communicate to us

615
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:24,720
Speaker 1: that they like us, then we begin this process of like, wait,

616
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: are they for me? And then also we are viewing

617
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:32,480
Speaker 1: a human being. And then also we get this realizations

618
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:36,040
Speaker 1: subconsciously or consciously that to further connect with this person,

619
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,640
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to be vulnerable and then that raises

620
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,640
Speaker 1: anxiety and then we pull away. And I think often

621
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,640
Speaker 1: women women find that confusing. Like I thought he was

622
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,600
Speaker 1: into me. He was into the idea of you liking

623
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:51,360
Speaker 1: him without asking himself if you're a good fit. And

624
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,000
Speaker 1: I think before we enter any of these situations, we

625
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:56,960
Speaker 1: have to do that. And I know the activities and

626
00:32:57,120 --> 00:33:00,200
Speaker 1: the practices for that will build self awareness and it

627
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 1: really is going deeper than what we normally do. Oh,

628
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 1: that's so well explained, all right, So that is no, no, no,

629
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,320
Speaker 1: But that is so well explained because love bombing is

630
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:12,960
Speaker 1: such a big thing right now. And I did that

631
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,320
Speaker 1: in my teens massively, Like that's how I spent the

632
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 1: majority of my teens where I would be interested in

633
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:22,640
Speaker 1: a girl only to win her over to then retreat

634
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:24,720
Speaker 1: as exactly like you said, So I can relate to

635
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 1: that so deeply. How does and generally I don't know.

636
00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:31,080
Speaker 1: I've I've heard a lot of men admit to that,

637
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:33,320
Speaker 1: or at least men that I've opened relationships with where

638
00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,120
Speaker 1: people will say that. I don't know how much women

639
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:37,960
Speaker 1: do that, Like, I just haven't heard that and I

640
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,680
Speaker 1: don't want to build gender stereotypes or anything. But I guess,

641
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 1: as the person in the relationship on the receiving end

642
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:49,640
Speaker 1: of that, how do you know? Because it's somewhat a

643
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,680
Speaker 1: mutual exchange, right, So I'll give an example of what

644
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:54,520
Speaker 1: I mean, and I want to unravel this with you

645
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:57,240
Speaker 1: because I think that's very common the amount of friends

646
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:59,120
Speaker 1: I have that are girls recently that have said that's

647
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:04,440
Speaker 1: happened to them numerous So what's happening is I'm trying

648
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:08,000
Speaker 1: to win you over, but you're allowing me to win

649
00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:12,640
Speaker 1: you over. You're also not doing the checking as to

650
00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:17,000
Speaker 1: whether I'm for real or questioning that. So I guess

651
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,520
Speaker 1: what I'm asking is, if you're on the receiving end

652
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: of someone love bombing you and trying to impress you

653
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 1: and trying to win you over, what do you do

654
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:28,680
Speaker 1: in order to make sure that you are actually taking

655
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:31,120
Speaker 1: things slower? Because what ends up happening is you fall

656
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:34,440
Speaker 1: in love too fast, that person then walks away, and

657
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,560
Speaker 1: then you go, oh, but I thought we had something,

658
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:39,200
Speaker 1: So how do you avoid that? I think you have

659
00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:42,040
Speaker 1: to be intentional with what you're looking for. Okay, if

660
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,640
Speaker 1: I don't you know, if I don't know you, I'm

661
00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:47,000
Speaker 1: gonna love bombing you based off what I think your

662
00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:50,360
Speaker 1: values are. You know, let's say, oh, I think based

663
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:52,880
Speaker 1: on the fact that she's wearing a pair of expensive shoes,

664
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:54,959
Speaker 1: I need to seem like I have a lot of money.

665
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:56,759
Speaker 1: So I'm going to pull out the Rolex. I'm gonna

666
00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 1: pull out the nice car. That's what I think matters

667
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:02,279
Speaker 1: to her. I don't know, and maybe for her she

668
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:06,919
Speaker 1: you know, she's looking for the spark, you know, which

669
00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:08,920
Speaker 1: I think is a whole other conversation to itself. I

670
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,240
Speaker 1: think the best thing to do was abandon this idea

671
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:15,840
Speaker 1: of the spark and instead actually ask yourself what do

672
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:18,719
Speaker 1: you want in a person? So the activity that I

673
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 1: was required as to do and my therapy was I

674
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,200
Speaker 1: had to relive my entire love life. I had to

675
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:25,920
Speaker 1: write it all down, and then when I read it,

676
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: anytime I felt warm or I felt some love, I

677
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 1: had to highlight it. And that's how I began to

678
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:36,760
Speaker 1: figure out what I specifically want. I think generically everybody

679
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:38,960
Speaker 1: kind of wants the same thing. Well, everyone goes like

680
00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:41,880
Speaker 1: good looking, good sense of humor, like everyone says the

681
00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,160
Speaker 1: same thing. I literally went on the streets a couple

682
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:46,319
Speaker 1: of weeks ago, a couple maybe a month ago now,

683
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 1: and I was asking what are the top three things

684
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 1: you're looking for look for someone? And they were like

685
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:53,640
Speaker 1: a nice smile, good sense of humor, and like, I

686
00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 1: was like really, like literally everyone said the same thing.

687
00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:58,440
Speaker 1: So yeah, sorry, carry no completely. But and again I'm

688
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:00,960
Speaker 1: guilty of that as well. But the next question is

689
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:04,080
Speaker 1: you're you're focused on the details and not the feelings.

690
00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:07,240
Speaker 1: So the next question should be what does a nice

691
00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:11,120
Speaker 1: smile make you feel? What do good looks make you feel?

692
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:15,240
Speaker 1: What does knowing somebody is rich make you feel? That's

693
00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 1: your that's your actual list, you know, knowing like, oh

694
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:23,040
Speaker 1: I want him to be rich. Why, well, that's that's

695
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: going to make me feel like I'm secure. You know,

696
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 1: that makes feel I'm taking care of So what you

697
00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,560
Speaker 1: want not someone who's rich, You want someone that you

698
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 1: know what to take care of you. Now, there can

699
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:33,680
Speaker 1: be people who may not have the juiciest bank account,

700
00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 1: but their energy, their effort, their determination, you can just

701
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:37,960
Speaker 1: see it in their eyes, you can see it on

702
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:40,040
Speaker 1: their day to day activity. You can always put your

703
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:42,279
Speaker 1: money on that person. They're always going to show up

704
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,359
Speaker 1: that'll give you that'll that'll scratch that same itch. And

705
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:47,799
Speaker 1: I think when we get very specific with what we

706
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,960
Speaker 1: care about and how it makes us feel now, that

707
00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 1: love bombing just won't work. Yeah, you know, because they're

708
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:57,799
Speaker 1: going based off of things that they think. They're kind

709
00:36:57,800 --> 00:36:59,880
Speaker 1: of generic. And as I said, like, we have this

710
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:04,040
Speaker 1: generic idea of what beauty is, you know, but beauty

711
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:07,360
Speaker 1: isn't that you know, for some person might be watching

712
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:09,480
Speaker 1: me right now. I think I'm super handsome. Somebody else

713
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:12,520
Speaker 1: may not. And that's completely okay. Everyone's allowed to have

714
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:16,040
Speaker 1: their own taste. But the feelings is what we're actually chasing.

715
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:17,680
Speaker 1: Even when we think about a person of the past

716
00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:20,120
Speaker 1: an X, we don't miss them. We miss the way

717
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:23,280
Speaker 1: they made us feel. We can carry that feeling forward

718
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:27,120
Speaker 1: and require that as we get to know somebody. Can

719
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:30,320
Speaker 1: you establish all those feelings and those markets in a

720
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:33,640
Speaker 1: first day. No, And I don't think you should. You know,

721
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:35,840
Speaker 1: I think it is important to be open to people,

722
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:38,520
Speaker 1: give them about, give them that opportunity and see if

723
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:40,839
Speaker 1: they can elicit those feelings. And I don't think love

724
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:43,319
Speaker 1: bombing someone can be clever enough to love bombing you

725
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:46,440
Speaker 1: through those feelings because love bombing is not going to

726
00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,239
Speaker 1: tap into a pathway of love. It's going to tap

727
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,879
Speaker 1: into this fast food version of it, the attention, the validation,

728
00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:56,040
Speaker 1: making you seem like you matter. You know. I read

729
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:58,320
Speaker 1: one of these posts recently that said, listen, stop bragging

730
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 1: that you were chosen over somebody else. Most likely you

731
00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 1: were chosen because you have less boundaries. Wow, you know,

732
00:38:04,239 --> 00:38:07,000
Speaker 1: so this isn't a bragworthy thing. And again, our media,

733
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:10,160
Speaker 1: our songs, all the things, you know, making us seem like,

734
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:12,640
Speaker 1: you know, we should be competing for each other. All

735
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:16,120
Speaker 1: of this stuff. It informs what we think matters. You know.

736
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 1: We have this idea of the night and shining armor

737
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:21,680
Speaker 1: and the damsel in distress, Like I went deep to

738
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:24,160
Speaker 1: try to figure out where that that came from real life,

739
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:28,359
Speaker 1: back in feudal society, is the only social mobility, you know.

740
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:32,920
Speaker 1: A man had to increase his chances of finding a

741
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:36,239
Speaker 1: partner was to join the army, you know, because if

742
00:38:36,239 --> 00:38:37,680
Speaker 1: he grew up on a farm, you know, there was

743
00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:39,640
Speaker 1: an access to education or anything. He had to join

744
00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:42,799
Speaker 1: the army potentially come back a hero. And now that

745
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:46,040
Speaker 1: he's a hero, he will have more more opportunities in

746
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:49,160
Speaker 1: an arranged mirrorge society as well to choose something. So

747
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:52,600
Speaker 1: now it's like be chosen and be chased. And I

748
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:57,239
Speaker 1: think that that that dogging cat situation right now is

749
00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:00,160
Speaker 1: really making us focus on external things, whereas if we're

750
00:39:00,239 --> 00:39:04,680
Speaker 1: grounded and who we are, develop a healthier relationship. Initially,

751
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:06,480
Speaker 1: it's going to close us off to a lot of

752
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 1: people who aren't on this journey of self awareness, but

753
00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:13,239
Speaker 1: in the long run, it'll allow us to be that

754
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:18,200
Speaker 1: very minority now who stay in healthy relationships throughout their life. Wow. Man,

755
00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:21,040
Speaker 1: if you're listening right now or watching, I'm talking to

756
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:23,680
Speaker 1: Humble the Poet. The book is called How to Be

757
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:28,400
Speaker 1: Loved by Humble the Poet. Simple Truths for going easier

758
00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:32,160
Speaker 1: on yourself, embracing imperfection, and loving your way to a

759
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:34,080
Speaker 1: better life. Make sure you go and order a copy

760
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:37,440
Speaker 1: while you're listening. This conversation is blowing my mind. It

761
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:40,279
Speaker 1: better be blowing yours too. And I think there's just

762
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:44,600
Speaker 1: so many, you know, huge insights that I'm taking away

763
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:49,400
Speaker 1: from you listening to you today, because ultimately you're demanding

764
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:53,600
Speaker 1: a sense of vigilance from a person. I think we're

765
00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:56,279
Speaker 1: all still living in that very basic sense of I

766
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,440
Speaker 1: just want to be validated. I want to be complimented.

767
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:00,720
Speaker 1: I want to be appreciated. So as long as someone's

768
00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:03,320
Speaker 1: doing that, we must be in love. They must be kind,

769
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:07,680
Speaker 1: they must be nice. And that's too shallow, like it's

770
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:12,240
Speaker 1: it's not a healthy way of inferring whether someone feels

771
00:40:12,239 --> 00:40:15,400
Speaker 1: good about you. And it's funny because it can be

772
00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:18,960
Speaker 1: really intoxicating, Like it can be really intoxicating that you

773
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:23,480
Speaker 1: lose all sight of reality and you think, well, this

774
00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:26,400
Speaker 1: must be love or this must be the truth. I guess,

775
00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 1: how do people slow down the idea of falling in

776
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:36,279
Speaker 1: love when, like you said, it's sold is so important

777
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:41,520
Speaker 1: and special and we're so desperate for it almost right,

778
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:44,360
Speaker 1: like we're wired to just want it now? How do

779
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,520
Speaker 1: you kind of take your time, as you're saying? And

780
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:49,960
Speaker 1: I read a study that said it takes two hundred

781
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:54,480
Speaker 1: hours to get to know someone, And when I saw

782
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:56,880
Speaker 1: that number, I thought, well, how many people in my

783
00:40:56,960 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 1: adult life have I spent two hundred hours with? Yeah?

784
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,520
Speaker 1: And I was thinking, not many people have I spent

785
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:07,080
Speaker 1: two hundred hours. I don't even think we have two

786
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:10,600
Speaker 1: hundred dollars. I don't think so either, And so you know,

787
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,240
Speaker 1: when you when you start thinking about that, you're like, wow,

788
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:15,120
Speaker 1: and we're all trying to fall in love and like

789
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:18,000
Speaker 1: two months. I think the study said that men say

790
00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:21,799
Speaker 1: I love you after like three months and women take

791
00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:24,080
Speaker 1: maybe four to six months to say I love you.

792
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:27,640
Speaker 1: But that's quick, yea. So how do you kind of

793
00:41:27,719 --> 00:41:30,120
Speaker 1: slow this process down? And what do you do in

794
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:32,520
Speaker 1: that slowness because as me and you know, this isn't

795
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,120
Speaker 1: just about how many months you've been together. It's more

796
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:38,680
Speaker 1: than that completely. I think the big realization that I

797
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:42,719
Speaker 1: have is chasing the delicious. Well, we'll never bring you

798
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,399
Speaker 1: around the nutritious, and I think you know, and that's

799
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:47,759
Speaker 1: really what this is. So when when you say that,

800
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:50,759
Speaker 1: you know, the validation is addicting. It is. It's it's

801
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:53,839
Speaker 1: salty French fries and you can't just have one. But

802
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:56,440
Speaker 1: you do this long enough, you're gonna feel like crap,

803
00:41:56,920 --> 00:41:58,759
Speaker 1: you know. And now if you've been eating French fries

804
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,759
Speaker 1: all day and now here here's a plateful of broccoli,

805
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:05,000
Speaker 1: it's going to be an adjustment. And that's what I'm

806
00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:08,080
Speaker 1: saying here. You have to establish a healthy relationship with

807
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,959
Speaker 1: yourself or you will be incapable of having a healthy

808
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:14,080
Speaker 1: relationship with anybody else. I had a friend yesterday. Tell me,

809
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,800
Speaker 1: if I break up with my boyfriend and he doesn't

810
00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:20,080
Speaker 1: call me nine times panicking, then he doesn't love me

811
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:23,359
Speaker 1: because he's not fighting for me. I'm like, first off,

812
00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:26,000
Speaker 1: he's not fighting for you. You know. The only reason

813
00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:28,839
Speaker 1: he's calling you nine time because he is super anxious. Yeah,

814
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 1: that's he's trying to suppress anxiety. There's not There's no

815
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:33,880
Speaker 1: love in this conversation at all. And what we have

816
00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:36,400
Speaker 1: to understand is we have again the Bobby's in Whitneys,

817
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:39,000
Speaker 1: the Ross's and Rachel's, all of these things that we see,

818
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:42,000
Speaker 1: you know, even are including our parents. You know, our

819
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:45,360
Speaker 1: first models of love were those who raised us, and

820
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:49,400
Speaker 1: they were imperfect beings, you know, And now we often

821
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:54,919
Speaker 1: find ourselves attracted to what's familiar over what's actually healthy,

822
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:58,000
Speaker 1: you know. And if your parents, if your mom or

823
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:00,560
Speaker 1: your father was hard to impress, you're gonna find yourself

824
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,480
Speaker 1: being gravitated towards somebody who's hard to impress, you know,

825
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:06,319
Speaker 1: if you were a caregiver in the house and you

826
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:08,560
Speaker 1: want someone that you can take care of. And again,

827
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 1: it's building this awareness, it's understanding that I can keep

828
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:14,040
Speaker 1: doing this again. I can keep eating fast food every

829
00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:17,120
Speaker 1: single day and it'll feel like sustenance. But it will

830
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,600
Speaker 1: take a toll on me, and all of this stuff

831
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:23,520
Speaker 1: will exhaust us, you know, versus taking the long route,

832
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:27,400
Speaker 1: which is, Hey, I need to establish my relationship with myself.

833
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 1: I need to actually have a clear definition of what

834
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:33,520
Speaker 1: I want and a partner. And the deeper I go

835
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:35,440
Speaker 1: with that, the more unique it is. That I I shouldn't

836
00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:37,440
Speaker 1: be in a room full of five people and we

837
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,360
Speaker 1: all have the exact same wish list for a dream partner.

838
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:43,600
Speaker 1: It should be very specific, based off our experiences, based

839
00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:45,759
Speaker 1: off what we care about, and based off where we're

840
00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:48,200
Speaker 1: headed in our lives. One of the analogies I use,

841
00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:51,040
Speaker 1: especially for my last relationship that didn't work, is I

842
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:52,800
Speaker 1: don't have a bad thing to say about that person,

843
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:55,239
Speaker 1: but we weren't going where I needed to go in

844
00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:57,279
Speaker 1: that relationship. And it's like if I got to go

845
00:43:57,320 --> 00:44:01,080
Speaker 1: to Boston and there's a beautiful private jet going to Hawaii,

846
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:03,359
Speaker 1: I can't get on that jet. You know. If there's

847
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:06,759
Speaker 1: another amazing limo going to Florida, I can't get on that.

848
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,320
Speaker 1: If the only the only vehicle going to Boston. Is

849
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,560
Speaker 1: that bike. I have to get on the bike. But

850
00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:13,440
Speaker 1: the first question is do I know where I'm going

851
00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:16,040
Speaker 1: or where I want to go? And I think for

852
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:20,440
Speaker 1: everybody right now, if you feel alone, you cannot outsource that,

853
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:24,040
Speaker 1: you cannot address that on the outside. And now we

854
00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:26,040
Speaker 1: do live in a world where Okay, you make the

855
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:29,280
Speaker 1: decision to get someone else to make you feel less lonely.

856
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:32,480
Speaker 1: You build a life together, you share a mortgage together,

857
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 1: you have a bunch of kids together, and now you're

858
00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:36,480
Speaker 1: just in that world. And then you know you're doing

859
00:44:36,520 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 1: external things to medicate from that as well. And the

860
00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:41,560
Speaker 1: challenge with that is, as this modern life gets more

861
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,799
Speaker 1: and more convenient, most of the things that we use

862
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,160
Speaker 1: to medicate ourselves turn into weapons against us as well.

863
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,800
Speaker 1: You know, it's a lot easier to get access to alcohol,

864
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:51,080
Speaker 1: it's a lot easier to get access to any substances

865
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:53,919
Speaker 1: or drunk food which are quick, easy, convenient, and cheap.

866
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:58,440
Speaker 1: So instead, let's focus on what's nutritious. And we all,

867
00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:02,759
Speaker 1: everybody listening knows what's nutritious for them. They know that

868
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:05,920
Speaker 1: people when they're around that fill them up with energy

869
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:08,120
Speaker 1: instead of the people that they're around that drain them.

870
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,920
Speaker 1: They know the places, they know the activities, we're all

871
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:14,560
Speaker 1: aware of those. It's taking the long road because the

872
00:45:14,680 --> 00:45:17,840
Speaker 1: long route lasts longer. You know, it takes longer to

873
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:20,040
Speaker 1: get there, but it'll last longer. And these short bits

874
00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:22,080
Speaker 1: of like I just need to feel like I matter

875
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:25,480
Speaker 1: to somebody because my entire life I didn't feel like it.

876
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:27,680
Speaker 1: That has to get addressed, and that has to get

877
00:45:27,719 --> 00:45:32,279
Speaker 1: addressed through journal writing, potentially therapy, potentially coaching. But and

878
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:34,120
Speaker 1: all of that is getting us out of black and

879
00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:37,920
Speaker 1: white thinking and encouraging us to be more self aware.

880
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:43,160
Speaker 1: What I'm hearing is like, there's a big difference between

881
00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:48,080
Speaker 1: people that feel good for us and then people that

882
00:45:48,239 --> 00:45:52,000
Speaker 1: are good for us. And we're so addicted and obsessed

883
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:56,640
Speaker 1: with what feels good that we're not able to focus

884
00:45:56,680 --> 00:46:02,960
Speaker 1: on what is good because we're almost compelled to be like, well,

885
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:06,080
Speaker 1: this person feels great, they look great, they sound great,

886
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:09,200
Speaker 1: my friends think they're great, my parents think they're awesome.

887
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:12,279
Speaker 1: The world thinks really highly of them. They must be

888
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:15,799
Speaker 1: the right person. Rather than what you're saying, and all

889
00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:18,200
Speaker 1: all I keep hearing and everything you're saying is like

890
00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:21,480
Speaker 1: there is just so much work to do individually and

891
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:25,400
Speaker 1: personally and simultaneously in being in a relationship. There's just

892
00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:28,160
Speaker 1: so much reflection. There's reflecting on the way your parents

893
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:31,319
Speaker 1: loved you. There's reflecting on your axes. There's reflect which

894
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:33,440
Speaker 1: is what you've been doing through this whole book journey.

895
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:37,560
Speaker 1: There's reflecting on like how you got here. There's reflecting

896
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:40,759
Speaker 1: on where you're going. Like, there's just so much reflection

897
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: and introspection required, and most people just want to throw

898
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:47,840
Speaker 1: the towel in because it's exhausting. It can be hard,

899
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:51,040
Speaker 1: But I guess what we both agree on is that

900
00:46:51,080 --> 00:46:53,799
Speaker 1: it's a hard lot harder to not do the work. Yeah,

901
00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 1: it's the pain of the work or the pain of

902
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:57,920
Speaker 1: the regret. You know, it's one or the other. And

903
00:46:57,960 --> 00:47:00,560
Speaker 1: I think also, you know, the subtitle says going easier

904
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:04,759
Speaker 1: on yourself. Look, nobody is weak. You know. If I

905
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:06,840
Speaker 1: open up a bag of salty potato chips and I

906
00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:09,279
Speaker 1: give you one and you want, you're not weak from

907
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:11,799
Speaker 1: wanting another one, you know. And for people who eat

908
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:14,479
Speaker 1: really healthy, they understand that that's not having unhealthy food

909
00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:17,040
Speaker 1: in the kitchen, that's leaving it at the grocery store,

910
00:47:17,680 --> 00:47:19,960
Speaker 1: you know, And you do that long enough, you can

911
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,680
Speaker 1: start to change your taste. And you know, personal story,

912
00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:26,080
Speaker 1: you showed me your snack drawer and you've pointed to

913
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:28,479
Speaker 1: a bunch of things that were delicious, and after trying

914
00:47:28,480 --> 00:47:33,280
Speaker 1: them's like, oh, this is all super healthy. His definition

915
00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:37,960
Speaker 1: of delicious is way healthier than yeah. And I've seen

916
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:42,000
Speaker 1: that before because we can actually change our taste. You know. Addiction.

917
00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:46,040
Speaker 1: We all have addictions, you know, and there's to go

918
00:47:46,360 --> 00:47:49,319
Speaker 1: from a bad place to a better place, we have

919
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:53,600
Speaker 1: to travel through a worse place. And the multiple addictions

920
00:47:53,600 --> 00:47:55,840
Speaker 1: we have, whether' addicted to our person, whether we're addicted

921
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:58,880
Speaker 1: to social media, all of it falls under the exact

922
00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:03,320
Speaker 1: same category of unintended rewards. I scroll through my phone,

923
00:48:03,760 --> 00:48:05,759
Speaker 1: see a bunch of stuff that makes me feel insecure,

924
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:08,759
Speaker 1: See a bunch of news that heightens my anxiety. Oh,

925
00:48:08,800 --> 00:48:11,759
Speaker 1: look at cute Puffy. It was all worth it. You know.

926
00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:14,640
Speaker 1: That's no different than gambling on a slot machine. You

927
00:48:14,680 --> 00:48:15,960
Speaker 1: just keep pulling it and then all of a sudden

928
00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:18,840
Speaker 1: reward comes. That's no different than being in an abusive relationship.

929
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:20,759
Speaker 1: The bad days are really bad, but the good days,

930
00:48:20,800 --> 00:48:23,160
Speaker 1: we don't know where they're coming, but they feel euphoric

931
00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:27,120
Speaker 1: and getting ourselves out of that. I think it's really important.

932
00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:28,960
Speaker 1: It's like, if I'm like, oh, I'm in the mood

933
00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:31,800
Speaker 1: to have to go to this fast food restaurant, I'm

934
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:34,239
Speaker 1: so in the mood, I go, I eat it. How

935
00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:37,720
Speaker 1: long does the satisfaction from that actually last? And also

936
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:41,000
Speaker 1: when things feel good, they're not. You know, our roller

937
00:48:41,000 --> 00:48:43,200
Speaker 1: coaster isn't going super high and super low, so it's

938
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:45,680
Speaker 1: hard to even pay attention to that. How you know,

939
00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:48,919
Speaker 1: we don't notice when we're not feeling anxiety because it's

940
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:52,480
Speaker 1: not a feeling. And I think we have to really

941
00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:55,120
Speaker 1: be mindful of that because we're not in a world

942
00:48:55,880 --> 00:49:00,480
Speaker 1: that is designed or encouraging us to make these healthy decisions,

943
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:04,160
Speaker 1: because this world just needs us to run on fumes.

944
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:08,279
Speaker 1: Contribute to its economy. Work work, work, work, work, keep

945
00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:11,920
Speaker 1: up with everybody else. If you're sleepy, have some caffeine.

946
00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:14,719
Speaker 1: If you're too hyped up, have a xanax. Take them

947
00:49:14,719 --> 00:49:18,480
Speaker 1: both different times. And it's like this contribute and being

948
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:22,040
Speaker 1: aware of ourselves means we would find a lot of

949
00:49:22,080 --> 00:49:24,879
Speaker 1: you know, we'll realize and the Reason to Cover says

950
00:49:24,880 --> 00:49:27,040
Speaker 1: how to be loved with a D in parentheses is

951
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:29,719
Speaker 1: the only way to realize love is to be love,

952
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:33,319
Speaker 1: is to realize you're the source of love. And when

953
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:34,759
Speaker 1: you're the source of love, you're not going to be

954
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:37,799
Speaker 1: going out and doing retail therapy. When you're the source

955
00:49:37,840 --> 00:49:40,200
Speaker 1: of love, you're not going to be, you know, traveling

956
00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:42,840
Speaker 1: halfway across the city to take an Instagram photo account

957
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:44,839
Speaker 1: your likes. When you realize you're a source of love

958
00:49:45,080 --> 00:49:46,920
Speaker 1: and that you can give it to everybody, and it's

959
00:49:46,920 --> 00:49:49,959
Speaker 1: a gift, it's not alone. You're not giving it hoping

960
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:52,319
Speaker 1: it comes back. You're giving it because you're overflowing with it,

961
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:53,959
Speaker 1: the same way you would give it to a baby.

962
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:57,279
Speaker 1: It doesn't need to be reciprocated. The more we realize that,

963
00:49:57,320 --> 00:49:59,239
Speaker 1: the less we need it from the outside world. And

964
00:49:59,400 --> 00:50:02,480
Speaker 1: as I said, nothing is designed around that. We just

965
00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:05,080
Speaker 1: have to again, keep this junk food out of our kitchen,

966
00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:09,160
Speaker 1: keep it out of our homes, and not be hard

967
00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:13,759
Speaker 1: or critical on ourselves when we falter or when we

968
00:50:13,840 --> 00:50:16,200
Speaker 1: have a bad day. The last chapter of this book,

969
00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:19,640
Speaker 1: I specifically say, I am all I'm doing. I am

970
00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:22,120
Speaker 1: not a love guru. I'm a kid who I am

971
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:24,319
Speaker 1: somebody who's despinitely trying to understand this because I've made

972
00:50:24,360 --> 00:50:26,080
Speaker 1: mistakes in my life. I'm the kid at the front

973
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:28,480
Speaker 1: of the class taking notes and at the end of

974
00:50:28,480 --> 00:50:30,640
Speaker 1: the day, all I'm telling you is a difference between

975
00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:34,360
Speaker 1: French fries and broccoli. And while I'm telling you the difference,

976
00:50:34,360 --> 00:50:36,320
Speaker 1: I'm eating some French fries when I'm eating some broccolis,

977
00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:40,799
Speaker 1: you know, And that's important, I think, and for you

978
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:43,960
Speaker 1: and I we both noticed being in being embraced in

979
00:50:43,960 --> 00:50:47,320
Speaker 1: the wellness community, you know. Over on this side of

980
00:50:47,360 --> 00:50:50,880
Speaker 1: the ocean, everything's very linear. It's like, hey, I used

981
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:53,919
Speaker 1: to be really messed up, and then I learned all

982
00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:57,360
Speaker 1: this stuff and now I'm awesome. If it's three payments

983
00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:00,319
Speaker 1: of nineteen ninety five, you could be awesome too. And

984
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:02,280
Speaker 1: I think for guys like us, we're more in the cycle,

985
00:51:02,440 --> 00:51:05,239
Speaker 1: and like, hey, I'm messed up. I figured out what

986
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:07,880
Speaker 1: the problem was. I learned some stuff. I'm sharing what

987
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:11,040
Speaker 1: i'm learning. I'm still struggling with stuff, but I'm going

988
00:51:11,080 --> 00:51:13,160
Speaker 1: to continue this journey and it's a cycle. I'm gonna

989
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:15,480
Speaker 1: have my winter, spring, summer, and fall, and that's going

990
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:17,720
Speaker 1: to be a constant thing and I'll be constantly working

991
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:22,040
Speaker 1: on it. Joined me on that journey, and let's compare notes,

992
00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:25,960
Speaker 1: let's compare best practices, and let's realize that we're not

993
00:51:26,239 --> 00:51:28,479
Speaker 1: because we're critical when we think we're the only one

994
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:33,040
Speaker 1: unrelated to love. I remember finding, you know, finding an

995
00:51:33,040 --> 00:51:35,920
Speaker 1: accountant and having so much anxiety because I was an

996
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:38,400
Speaker 1: artist for so long and didn't do any taxes or anything.

997
00:51:38,719 --> 00:51:40,520
Speaker 1: You know. He helped me out in an hour, and

998
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 1: it told someone that story realizing that they had the

999
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:45,240
Speaker 1: same anxiety, and told someone else and they had that exist.

1000
00:51:45,239 --> 00:51:47,000
Speaker 1: There's a lot of anxiety that people have and they

1001
00:51:47,080 --> 00:51:49,600
Speaker 1: feel shame and guilt that they're the only ones going

1002
00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:52,240
Speaker 1: through it. And I think the more we reveal this stuff,

1003
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:55,480
Speaker 1: the more we have these conversations openly, you know, it

1004
00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:57,960
Speaker 1: may not get us a lot of likes on Instagram,

1005
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:01,319
Speaker 1: and it may scare away some people who want who

1006
00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:03,919
Speaker 1: have an idea of who they think we are. And

1007
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:05,680
Speaker 1: and for me, one of the biggest lessons I learned

1008
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:09,719
Speaker 1: in the last year was more damaging than any criticism

1009
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:14,239
Speaker 1: I've ever received with the compliments, because the compliments put

1010
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:16,600
Speaker 1: me in a cage. It was one friend that said, yo,

1011
00:52:16,719 --> 00:52:20,640
Speaker 1: humble nothing ever bothers as this guy it's always cool,

1012
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:22,880
Speaker 1: he's always calm, and then I want to live up

1013
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:26,680
Speaker 1: to that, and I almost crumbled with that facade. Wow,

1014
00:52:26,880 --> 00:52:30,760
Speaker 1: you know, and that became Reputations themselves can become a prison.

1015
00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:33,399
Speaker 1: So we need to do our best to break out

1016
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,279
Speaker 1: of those, knowing that half the time, those reputations we

1017
00:52:36,360 --> 00:52:39,080
Speaker 1: create were there to protect us and we don't realize

1018
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:42,320
Speaker 1: now they're imprisoning us. I mean, that's a whole another

1019
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:46,400
Speaker 1: level of Yeah, No, it's so true. It's so true.

1020
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:49,080
Speaker 1: I you know, I was just in the studio recording

1021
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:52,319
Speaker 1: my Calm Meditations. So we once a month, I'm in

1022
00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:54,439
Speaker 1: the studio of like four or five days a week,

1023
00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:56,719
Speaker 1: four or five hours at a time to do a

1024
00:52:56,800 --> 00:53:00,640
Speaker 1: month of content for my daily meditations on Calm. And

1025
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:04,320
Speaker 1: me and the crew have a really good like banter.

1026
00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:07,120
Speaker 1: So there's a producer in the studio, there's a sound

1027
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:10,520
Speaker 1: engineer in the studio, and there's two sound engineers remote.

1028
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:12,560
Speaker 1: But it's the same team we work with every month,

1029
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:14,680
Speaker 1: and I've worked with them for twelve months now nearly,

1030
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:19,319
Speaker 1: and it's we have such great banter and all we

1031
00:53:19,360 --> 00:53:21,319
Speaker 1: do is lay into each other. We're joking around and

1032
00:53:21,320 --> 00:53:24,080
Speaker 1: then I'm teaching meditation at the same time, and I

1033
00:53:24,200 --> 00:53:26,440
Speaker 1: kind of set that culture from the beginning, where I

1034
00:53:26,520 --> 00:53:29,359
Speaker 1: was joking around with everyone, messing around with everyone for

1035
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:33,239
Speaker 1: that same reason that I don't want to be perceived

1036
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:35,439
Speaker 1: as a guru. And I'll often go out my way

1037
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:39,120
Speaker 1: to talk about soccer or FIFA or whatever it may be,

1038
00:53:39,480 --> 00:53:42,080
Speaker 1: just because and I love soccer and FIFA, like that's

1039
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:44,640
Speaker 1: a real genuine love for me. But I'll do that

1040
00:53:44,719 --> 00:53:47,719
Speaker 1: in order to get away from this kind of pedestal,

1041
00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:53,080
Speaker 1: because what I've realized is everyone's a theist. Like everyone's

1042
00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:55,359
Speaker 1: looking for God in their own way, whether your God

1043
00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:57,640
Speaker 1: is your football team or whether your God is your

1044
00:53:57,840 --> 00:54:01,840
Speaker 1: favorite restaurant, or your God is person, and so everyone's

1045
00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:03,560
Speaker 1: looking for God in some way or the other. And

1046
00:54:03,640 --> 00:54:07,719
Speaker 1: we keep projecting godlike imagery onto people, and then they

1047
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:10,160
Speaker 1: let us down, and everyone will let you down. There

1048
00:54:10,239 --> 00:54:13,799
Speaker 1: isn't anyone who live up to that godlike imagery, and

1049
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:16,680
Speaker 1: then we almost make it like it's a fault in them,

1050
00:54:16,719 --> 00:54:18,759
Speaker 1: as opposed to realizing that it was a fault in

1051
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:22,560
Speaker 1: a vision that someone could be that way. It's hard

1052
00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:26,000
Speaker 1: to feel that pressure on yourself, like what you're saying,

1053
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:29,640
Speaker 1: like if humbles always the calm, collected guy, that's like

1054
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:33,759
Speaker 1: a godlike projection. None of us are always calm. I'm

1055
00:54:33,800 --> 00:54:39,160
Speaker 1: definitely not always calm. I'm definitely not always you know,

1056
00:54:39,640 --> 00:54:46,120
Speaker 1: thoughtful and reflective. I can be irritable and irritated. So yeah,

1057
00:54:46,200 --> 00:54:50,160
Speaker 1: I love that idea of breaking your own reputation for yourself,

1058
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:52,920
Speaker 1: and I think just the reminder that it will not

1059
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:58,360
Speaker 1: disqualify you from love. There is a four minute compilation

1060
00:54:58,480 --> 00:55:01,680
Speaker 1: video on YouTube of Beyonce falling off stage, and I

1061
00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:03,800
Speaker 1: challenge anyone to watch it and think if it changes

1062
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:07,760
Speaker 1: their love for her in any capacity. It doesn't anything,

1063
00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:10,880
Speaker 1: it increases it. And and again, going back to our

1064
00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:14,440
Speaker 1: our village, small tribe days, this was this is also

1065
00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:17,719
Speaker 1: a survival tactic. It's you had to find the best

1066
00:55:17,800 --> 00:55:20,799
Speaker 1: hunter and start to emulate them and almost worship them,

1067
00:55:21,160 --> 00:55:23,319
Speaker 1: because you would hunt like them, and that would be

1068
00:55:23,480 --> 00:55:25,360
Speaker 1: good for the whole tribe. But not only when we

1069
00:55:25,360 --> 00:55:27,760
Speaker 1: start hunting like them, we would start dressing like them,

1070
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:30,680
Speaker 1: walking like them, talking like them, you know, And that's

1071
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:33,319
Speaker 1: built into our culture where it's like I love the

1072
00:55:33,360 --> 00:55:35,680
Speaker 1: way Lebron James plays basketball. I love the way Steph

1073
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 1: Curry plays basketball, but now I'm also going to drink

1074
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,279
Speaker 1: whatever beverage he drinks. I'm also going to wear the

1075
00:55:40,280 --> 00:55:44,160
Speaker 1: shoes he wears. And then also they're encouraged to not

1076
00:55:44,239 --> 00:55:48,480
Speaker 1: film their practice and just let us see them become

1077
00:55:48,719 --> 00:55:52,680
Speaker 1: superhuman on stage in front of us. We don't watch

1078
00:55:52,760 --> 00:55:55,000
Speaker 1: them to be good, we watched them to get better.

1079
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:59,000
Speaker 1: So this also puts in this message that perfection is

1080
00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:02,799
Speaker 1: something that you want, but again, perfection is not real.

1081
00:56:03,120 --> 00:56:06,040
Speaker 1: These people aren't perfect. I'm not perfect, You're not perfect,

1082
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:09,319
Speaker 1: And that's important for us not to be perfect because

1083
00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:11,239
Speaker 1: that's the only way we can actually be vulnerable and

1084
00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:15,879
Speaker 1: have these meaningful connections and knowing, you know, And it's

1085
00:56:15,920 --> 00:56:18,680
Speaker 1: having these conversations, especially having conversations with people who are

1086
00:56:18,719 --> 00:56:22,319
Speaker 1: on social media that don't even have they're not even

1087
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:25,840
Speaker 1: public figures, and they still refer to the people like

1088
00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:28,399
Speaker 1: the people need, the people want to see where I'm

1089
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,960
Speaker 1: going on vacations, and you're like, who is the people?

1090
00:56:32,640 --> 00:56:34,760
Speaker 1: The big and the big thing I've been thinking about,

1091
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:37,560
Speaker 1: you know, recently, is this concept of again getting out

1092
00:56:37,600 --> 00:56:40,400
Speaker 1: of the black and white thinking. You know, there are

1093
00:56:40,400 --> 00:56:46,280
Speaker 1: rewards and punishments society and social media and your friends

1094
00:56:46,360 --> 00:56:49,840
Speaker 1: groups will reward certain behavior, and it can be subtle,

1095
00:56:49,880 --> 00:56:51,480
Speaker 1: and you can see that your parents growing up, they

1096
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:55,160
Speaker 1: reward a certain behavior. We have to realize that not

1097
00:56:55,280 --> 00:56:58,200
Speaker 1: receiving a reward, it's not the same as the punishment.

1098
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:02,360
Speaker 1: You know, someone people say, society expects me to be beautiful.

1099
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:04,359
Speaker 1: You may be right. I'm not going to argue with

1100
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:07,520
Speaker 1: that society. I can't tell someone what signals and cues

1101
00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:09,319
Speaker 1: they get. But what I can tell you is if

1102
00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:12,760
Speaker 1: you decide not to play the game, you won't be punished.

1103
00:57:12,800 --> 00:57:15,799
Speaker 1: If anything, you'll be left alone. You know. If I

1104
00:57:15,840 --> 00:57:17,960
Speaker 1: don't play social media the way it needs to get played,

1105
00:57:18,160 --> 00:57:20,919
Speaker 1: I may not grow. But they're not going to blow

1106
00:57:20,960 --> 00:57:23,880
Speaker 1: up my phone, you know, and you know and make

1107
00:57:23,920 --> 00:57:26,360
Speaker 1: it impossible for me to exist. I just may not

1108
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:29,440
Speaker 1: get any more rewards. And I think that's important to

1109
00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:32,360
Speaker 1: understand that not getting a reward is not a punishment.

1110
00:57:32,560 --> 00:57:34,600
Speaker 1: Let's get out of that black and white thinking, and

1111
00:57:34,640 --> 00:57:36,840
Speaker 1: then again we can be a little bit easier on ourselves,

1112
00:57:37,080 --> 00:57:42,439
Speaker 1: a little bit more liberated, because maintaining these expectations expectations

1113
00:57:42,440 --> 00:57:45,360
Speaker 1: are going to only close more pathways to love, Expectations

1114
00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:48,560
Speaker 1: from other people, expectations of ourselves. What we have to

1115
00:57:48,600 --> 00:57:50,480
Speaker 1: do is just have intentions, which is I want to

1116
00:57:50,480 --> 00:57:54,200
Speaker 1: get better every day, you know, and that progress is

1117
00:57:54,200 --> 00:57:57,720
Speaker 1: something that we can celebrate each self respect and we

1118
00:57:57,760 --> 00:58:00,080
Speaker 1: can also do that with other people. We can the

1119
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:02,800
Speaker 1: intentions of what we want things to be, and those

1120
00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:06,200
Speaker 1: intentions will also include our boundaries. Oh man, So powerful

1121
00:58:06,360 --> 00:58:08,000
Speaker 1: want to I want to talk about We've talked a

1122
00:58:08,040 --> 00:58:13,000
Speaker 1: lot about like finding love within yourself, you know, being alone,

1123
00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:15,800
Speaker 1: finding that inner growth, that confidence. We've talked a lot

1124
00:58:15,840 --> 00:58:18,800
Speaker 1: about meeting the right person. How do you know whether

1125
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:20,720
Speaker 1: the figure are out, is someone's right for you? Knowing

1126
00:58:20,760 --> 00:58:24,640
Speaker 1: what you want in someone I'm intrigued by. You know,

1127
00:58:24,680 --> 00:58:27,000
Speaker 1: when we have been in a relationship for a long time,

1128
00:58:27,240 --> 00:58:29,800
Speaker 1: and you were in a long relationship that inspired you

1129
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:32,880
Speaker 1: to write this book, and you find, as you said,

1130
00:58:32,920 --> 00:58:34,760
Speaker 1: you're going those separate ways that you want to get

1131
00:58:34,760 --> 00:58:38,680
Speaker 1: to Boston, private jet, going to Hawaii. Sometimes we spend

1132
00:58:38,760 --> 00:58:42,080
Speaker 1: longer in a relationship trying to figure out whether it's

1133
00:58:42,120 --> 00:58:45,880
Speaker 1: going to last then we do in actually building it

1134
00:58:46,320 --> 00:58:50,400
Speaker 1: making it last. So we're questioning a relationship for longer

1135
00:58:50,440 --> 00:58:54,480
Speaker 1: than we're creating a relationship. So if someone's in that

1136
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:56,640
Speaker 1: phase of their life. What are some of the things

1137
00:58:56,680 --> 00:58:59,400
Speaker 1: that you thought about, What are some of the things

1138
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:01,760
Speaker 1: you discovered the writing of this book that you'd encourage

1139
00:59:01,840 --> 00:59:05,080
Speaker 1: them to reflect on our introspect on without playing the

1140
00:59:05,080 --> 00:59:08,480
Speaker 1: blame game. Let's always focus on where we can take responsibility,

1141
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:11,960
Speaker 1: because that's where we'll have power in any situation. You know,

1142
00:59:12,520 --> 00:59:16,040
Speaker 1: if somebody rear ends my car, that's not my fault,

1143
00:59:16,320 --> 00:59:18,840
Speaker 1: but it's still my responsibility. I gotta go to the mechanic,

1144
00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:21,280
Speaker 1: I gotta go handle insurance. And I think in our

1145
00:59:21,320 --> 00:59:23,520
Speaker 1: conflicts with people, we have to look at our responsibilities

1146
00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:26,680
Speaker 1: as well. And I think that's super important in these situations.

1147
00:59:26,800 --> 00:59:28,919
Speaker 1: When we look at our responsibility, what we can start

1148
00:59:28,960 --> 00:59:32,600
Speaker 1: to focus on is love as the verb love through service.

1149
00:59:32,840 --> 00:59:35,080
Speaker 1: One of the simple things that I realized was like, Okay,

1150
00:59:35,120 --> 00:59:38,560
Speaker 1: when I feel enthusiastic about somebody, I want to share

1151
00:59:38,560 --> 00:59:41,440
Speaker 1: my world with them. That doesn't build a connection as

1152
00:59:41,520 --> 00:59:45,960
Speaker 1: much as me enthusiastically diving into their world. So true, man, Yeah,

1153
00:59:46,520 --> 00:59:48,880
Speaker 1: And this doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. This can

1154
00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:50,560
Speaker 1: be you and your grandkids, This can be you and

1155
00:59:50,600 --> 00:59:52,440
Speaker 1: your siblings, This can be you and a co worker.

1156
00:59:52,840 --> 00:59:56,280
Speaker 1: You know, these relationships. We make them about ourselves because

1157
00:59:56,280 --> 00:59:59,080
Speaker 1: we want to find that value. But we'll gain more

1158
00:59:59,240 --> 01:00:02,000
Speaker 1: value and build stronger connections when we dive into the

1159
01:00:02,040 --> 01:00:04,960
Speaker 1: other person's world and start to see that. Now, for

1160
01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:08,040
Speaker 1: some people, communication, I think, you know, communication is key.

1161
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:12,040
Speaker 1: You know, everything needs to be a conversation. We need

1162
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:14,560
Speaker 1: to become more aware of a couple as well about

1163
01:00:15,080 --> 01:00:17,920
Speaker 1: what we have expectations of, because so often it's a

1164
01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:21,640
Speaker 1: template having a conversation with somebody yesterday. Even like the

1165
01:00:21,680 --> 01:00:25,200
Speaker 1: definition of things, what's the definition of cheating? Everyone has

1166
01:00:25,200 --> 01:00:28,560
Speaker 1: different definitions, you know. And if somebody's like, oh way,

1167
01:00:28,600 --> 01:00:31,280
Speaker 1: well it's physical, but then somebody else might be emotional,

1168
01:00:31,760 --> 01:00:33,960
Speaker 1: you know, and that is something that you know, these

1169
01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:36,880
Speaker 1: are uncomfortable conversations need to happen for folks like us.

1170
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:39,720
Speaker 1: We grew up around arranged marriages, and I think the

1171
01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:41,520
Speaker 1: one thing that I always thought was cool about arranged

1172
01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:44,760
Speaker 1: marriages is they ask a lot of the inconvenient, uncomfortable questions.

1173
01:00:45,400 --> 01:00:48,400
Speaker 1: They asked those up from the jump, you know, family history,

1174
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:50,960
Speaker 1: medical history, finances, all of this type of stuff. But

1175
01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:54,480
Speaker 1: I think all these uncomfortable conversations which we think, you know,

1176
01:00:54,600 --> 01:00:57,880
Speaker 1: we'll just kind of fall into place. Jordan Peterson talks

1177
01:00:57,880 --> 01:01:00,280
Speaker 1: about this. He goes, have a definition of what a

1178
01:01:00,440 --> 01:01:04,280
Speaker 1: made bed looks like, have a definition of what you know,

1179
01:01:04,480 --> 01:01:07,960
Speaker 1: the rules are at the breakfast table, you know, including yourself,

1180
01:01:08,600 --> 01:01:12,920
Speaker 1: recognizing the micro issues that can become bigger issues, and

1181
01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:15,040
Speaker 1: you address them. You nip them at the butt, you know.

1182
01:01:15,040 --> 01:01:17,360
Speaker 1: And I think those are really interesting things to do.

1183
01:01:18,360 --> 01:01:21,080
Speaker 1: I love the Shirley Glass analogy too, which is walls

1184
01:01:21,080 --> 01:01:23,400
Speaker 1: and windows, which is when you're in a romantic relationship

1185
01:01:23,440 --> 01:01:26,040
Speaker 1: with somebody, there is a window between you. So first

1186
01:01:26,200 --> 01:01:29,200
Speaker 1: acknowledge there's a window. So now let's not look at

1187
01:01:29,200 --> 01:01:31,600
Speaker 1: the other person as our possession. Let's look at them

1188
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:33,520
Speaker 1: as someone who's opened a window to us and we

1189
01:01:33,600 --> 01:01:37,000
Speaker 1: have access to them, and then we need to create

1190
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:41,000
Speaker 1: a wall around us because the moment somebody outside gets

1191
01:01:41,000 --> 01:01:43,400
Speaker 1: a better view what's happening on the inside, that can

1192
01:01:43,440 --> 01:01:47,479
Speaker 1: be a really strong definition of infidelity, you know, whether

1193
01:01:47,480 --> 01:01:49,720
Speaker 1: it's physical or not. But I think that's a really

1194
01:01:49,720 --> 01:01:52,280
Speaker 1: important thing to understand. This is not your person, This

1195
01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:54,680
Speaker 1: is somebody who's giving you access to them, and now

1196
01:01:54,720 --> 01:01:58,320
Speaker 1: you can continually strengthen that relationship. And I think the

1197
01:01:58,360 --> 01:02:01,360
Speaker 1: other one is love is a game, but the goal

1198
01:02:01,400 --> 01:02:04,120
Speaker 1: of the game is not to win. The goal of

1199
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:06,680
Speaker 1: the game is to keep it fun, so everybody keeps

1200
01:02:06,760 --> 01:02:09,440
Speaker 1: wanting to play. So treat it like a game, but

1201
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:12,080
Speaker 1: treat it where the goal is for every You want

1202
01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:14,680
Speaker 1: to keep everybody in the room wanting to play. And

1203
01:02:14,720 --> 01:02:17,440
Speaker 1: I think that's important because when we get into battles

1204
01:02:17,800 --> 01:02:21,800
Speaker 1: or disagreements, the disagreements turn into something else very quickly.

1205
01:02:22,280 --> 01:02:25,320
Speaker 1: And there's something called the bagel method or donut method,

1206
01:02:25,360 --> 01:02:30,160
Speaker 1: depending on what you like better. And you have the

1207
01:02:30,200 --> 01:02:32,960
Speaker 1: small circle, you have the big circle. Whenever there's a disagreement,

1208
01:02:32,960 --> 01:02:34,880
Speaker 1: the small circle is where you should identify and this

1209
01:02:34,920 --> 01:02:36,640
Speaker 1: is from the Godman Institute. I'm not taking credit for

1210
01:02:36,680 --> 01:02:39,040
Speaker 1: this one, but the small circle is where you identify

1211
01:02:39,120 --> 01:02:42,959
Speaker 1: your non your actual non negotiables. Me and you're gonna

1212
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:46,800
Speaker 1: go to dinner, what are the actual non negotiables? You're vegan.

1213
01:02:47,120 --> 01:02:52,120
Speaker 1: That's an actual non negotiable. Now all that everything else

1214
01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:53,800
Speaker 1: becomes a lot clearer, or there might be three or

1215
01:02:53,800 --> 01:02:56,800
Speaker 1: four more things that maybe hide Mexican yesterday, so today

1216
01:02:56,840 --> 01:02:58,960
Speaker 1: we're not We're not going for Mexican. Don't want to

1217
01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:00,920
Speaker 1: have carbs, so I don't want to do pasta or

1218
01:03:00,960 --> 01:03:05,480
Speaker 1: what have you? Doing? That for yourself first prepares you

1219
01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:08,960
Speaker 1: to communicate to somebody else, and I think that's really important.

1220
01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:13,280
Speaker 1: So often we expect people to just know us, just

1221
01:03:13,480 --> 01:03:17,080
Speaker 1: understand us, read our minds. Through all we've been talking

1222
01:03:17,080 --> 01:03:19,640
Speaker 1: about a self awareness and it's an endless journey. We

1223
01:03:19,720 --> 01:03:22,600
Speaker 1: don't even know us. I don't know me. How can

1224
01:03:22,640 --> 01:03:25,040
Speaker 1: I expect you to know me? And then when you

1225
01:03:25,120 --> 01:03:29,520
Speaker 1: do know me through your observations of me, externally recognize

1226
01:03:29,560 --> 01:03:31,440
Speaker 1: that you're on my team and you're telling me these

1227
01:03:31,480 --> 01:03:34,520
Speaker 1: things for the benefit of us. When there's a problem,

1228
01:03:34,560 --> 01:03:36,960
Speaker 1: it should not be me versus the other person, It

1229
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:40,960
Speaker 1: should be us versus a problem. And the big idea

1230
01:03:41,040 --> 01:03:44,360
Speaker 1: and explaining all of this is realizing that love is fuel,

1231
01:03:44,920 --> 01:03:49,280
Speaker 1: not glue. Love doesn't keep us together. Love is what

1232
01:03:49,320 --> 01:03:52,160
Speaker 1: we use to work at it. And this applies to

1233
01:03:52,240 --> 01:03:55,880
Speaker 1: romantic relationships, our relationships, our co workers, our friends, our family.

1234
01:03:56,240 --> 01:03:58,800
Speaker 1: We have to work at it. We sometimes feel like

1235
01:03:58,840 --> 01:04:03,120
Speaker 1: it's autopilot because especially I know Brown boys and their moms,

1236
01:04:03,160 --> 01:04:06,160
Speaker 1: we get this unconditional love just for existing. That can't

1237
01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:09,280
Speaker 1: be what we're looking for in our romantic relationships. There

1238
01:04:09,400 --> 01:04:11,560
Speaker 1: needs to be conditions, and then we need to stay.

1239
01:04:11,560 --> 01:04:15,160
Speaker 1: We need to be on our toes, putting in energy

1240
01:04:15,160 --> 01:04:17,920
Speaker 1: and effort, you know, and I think that's really important.

1241
01:04:17,920 --> 01:04:20,520
Speaker 1: Where you know, back to what I've learned from you

1242
01:04:20,560 --> 01:04:23,960
Speaker 1: through the Githa, you were only entitled to the labor,

1243
01:04:24,640 --> 01:04:27,120
Speaker 1: and that labor in itself should be the reward, not

1244
01:04:27,200 --> 01:04:30,040
Speaker 1: the outcome of that labor. And in these relationships, saying

1245
01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:34,440
Speaker 1: I love you and I want to serve you, and

1246
01:04:35,400 --> 01:04:38,240
Speaker 1: serving you is the point of revealing. And this is

1247
01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:41,520
Speaker 1: where the love is revealed. You know, love is going

1248
01:04:41,520 --> 01:04:44,040
Speaker 1: back to the original. You don't win love, you don't

1249
01:04:44,160 --> 01:04:47,640
Speaker 1: find love. The love is already there. You're doing the word.

1250
01:04:47,720 --> 01:04:49,480
Speaker 1: So the analogy I like to use as love as

1251
01:04:49,520 --> 01:04:52,120
Speaker 1: the breeze. And the work that we're doing is to

1252
01:04:52,160 --> 01:04:55,480
Speaker 1: open ourselves. You know, I struggled in my last situation

1253
01:04:55,480 --> 01:04:58,080
Speaker 1: because I could not receive love. It wasn't that there

1254
01:04:58,160 --> 01:05:01,360
Speaker 1: wasn't love there. It was my inability to open my

1255
01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:05,240
Speaker 1: sales because of the walls, the lack of vulnerability. Might

1256
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:07,960
Speaker 1: need to win in an argument, might need to be

1257
01:05:08,040 --> 01:05:11,520
Speaker 1: in control, my silly ideas, there might be something better

1258
01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:14,240
Speaker 1: out there. All these ideas, I realized that it was me.

1259
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:17,400
Speaker 1: I had my door closed, I had my sales closed

1260
01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:20,040
Speaker 1: to the breeze that was always there. When we do

1261
01:05:20,080 --> 01:05:22,680
Speaker 1: that work, and that, by default, will create a better

1262
01:05:22,720 --> 01:05:26,560
Speaker 1: relationship with ourselves, which will inform every single relationship we

1263
01:05:26,600 --> 01:05:30,360
Speaker 1: have around us. Master class, Man, Master Class. I want

1264
01:05:30,400 --> 01:05:33,520
Speaker 1: everyone to know when you open up this book, because

1265
01:05:33,520 --> 01:05:35,600
Speaker 1: you're going to order it straight after this conversation if

1266
01:05:35,600 --> 01:05:38,800
Speaker 1: you haven't already, there are chapters in there that will

1267
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:41,720
Speaker 1: blow your mind. I want to share some of them

1268
01:05:41,720 --> 01:05:43,160
Speaker 1: with you. We've talked about a lot of them today,

1269
01:05:43,200 --> 01:05:45,919
Speaker 1: but there's a lot we have not talked about. So

1270
01:05:46,080 --> 01:05:49,960
Speaker 1: we have. We discussed this one, we did not talk

1271
01:05:49,960 --> 01:05:52,840
Speaker 1: about Love and ego won't hold hands. Definitely going to

1272
01:05:52,880 --> 01:05:58,120
Speaker 1: read that chapter. Chapter nineteen, Envy pulls us away from love.

1273
01:05:58,480 --> 01:06:00,480
Speaker 1: I definitely want you to go and check out that chapter.

1274
01:06:01,520 --> 01:06:04,880
Speaker 1: This one is one that really struck out to me.

1275
01:06:06,280 --> 01:06:11,640
Speaker 1: They can only love us for yesterday. Love is saying no.

1276
01:06:11,960 --> 01:06:15,280
Speaker 1: There are some phenomenal chapters in this book. I highly

1277
01:06:15,320 --> 01:06:17,520
Speaker 1: recommend it. The book is called How to Be Love.

1278
01:06:17,920 --> 01:06:23,440
Speaker 1: The Simple Truths for going easier on yourself, embracing imperfection,

1279
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:26,680
Speaker 1: and loving your way to a better life. Humble. This

1280
01:06:26,720 --> 01:06:30,080
Speaker 1: has been I mean, we should record our conversations more

1281
01:06:30,120 --> 01:06:32,080
Speaker 1: often because I'm like, this has even been one of

1282
01:06:32,120 --> 01:06:34,920
Speaker 1: those like it's been a really fun Like what I

1283
01:06:35,000 --> 01:06:37,280
Speaker 1: love doing with you, which we've done today, which we

1284
01:06:37,360 --> 01:06:39,840
Speaker 1: do in real life all the time, is we like

1285
01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:43,440
Speaker 1: really unpack stuff. We kind of like critically analyze stuff.

1286
01:06:43,960 --> 01:06:46,280
Speaker 1: We kind of try and like break down as much

1287
01:06:46,320 --> 01:06:48,000
Speaker 1: as we can to try and get to the core

1288
01:06:48,080 --> 01:06:50,440
Speaker 1: of what we're talking about. Is there something that I

1289
01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:52,520
Speaker 1: haven't asked you about today or that you feel compelled

1290
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:55,360
Speaker 1: to share with our community that's really on your heart

1291
01:06:55,440 --> 01:06:58,400
Speaker 1: that you want to pass forward. I mean, as we

1292
01:06:58,400 --> 01:07:00,160
Speaker 1: were reading all the chapters, I want people to every

1293
01:07:00,200 --> 01:07:03,080
Speaker 1: chapter is only two pages. That's why there's so many chapters,

1294
01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:06,520
Speaker 1: just over sixty chapters. And the way we designed the

1295
01:07:06,520 --> 01:07:07,680
Speaker 1: book and I would love for you to do it.

1296
01:07:07,680 --> 01:07:09,760
Speaker 1: You can open to any page and you will find

1297
01:07:09,800 --> 01:07:13,400
Speaker 1: a quote that that stands out immediately that will give

1298
01:07:13,440 --> 01:07:14,960
Speaker 1: you that. So what do I say, The more we

1299
01:07:15,080 --> 01:07:17,160
Speaker 1: keep our word and act on our commitments, the more

1300
01:07:17,240 --> 01:07:19,840
Speaker 1: momentum we create and the better habits we can build.

1301
01:07:20,160 --> 01:07:23,920
Speaker 1: And that is talking about self love. So all it

1302
01:07:23,960 --> 01:07:25,400
Speaker 1: is is you can open this book, to any page,

1303
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:29,040
Speaker 1: you'll find something you love. If you read that first chapter,

1304
01:07:29,400 --> 01:07:31,640
Speaker 1: you know you'll definitely be in tears, as I was

1305
01:07:31,680 --> 01:07:33,960
Speaker 1: in tears writing it. And if you finish this book,

1306
01:07:34,400 --> 01:07:37,520
Speaker 1: you're gonna walk away and not considering love complicated. You know,

1307
01:07:37,640 --> 01:07:40,200
Speaker 1: love is simple, not easy. I'm not saying love is easy,

1308
01:07:40,440 --> 01:07:42,200
Speaker 1: and I'm saying love is simple. You know, this was

1309
01:07:42,240 --> 01:07:44,040
Speaker 1: a labor of love and a labor too love for

1310
01:07:44,080 --> 01:07:47,400
Speaker 1: me to write. And I really really really appreciate you,

1311
01:07:47,400 --> 01:07:49,920
Speaker 1: you know, opening me up to your community and all

1312
01:07:49,920 --> 01:07:51,520
Speaker 1: the help that you've done for me, even behind the

1313
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:55,400
Speaker 1: scenes with this. You know, it taught me. The journey

1314
01:07:55,400 --> 01:07:56,880
Speaker 1: of going through this has taught me a lot in

1315
01:07:56,960 --> 01:08:00,360
Speaker 1: terms of service, in terms of authentic love, and super

1316
01:08:00,360 --> 01:08:02,160
Speaker 1: grateful for that, and thank you so much for having

1317
01:08:02,200 --> 01:08:05,560
Speaker 1: me man. Of course, brother, I highly recommend this book.

1318
01:08:05,640 --> 01:08:07,920
Speaker 1: As Humble said, it's one of those rare books that

1319
01:08:07,960 --> 01:08:10,600
Speaker 1: you can literally flip to any page and you're going

1320
01:08:10,680 --> 01:08:13,560
Speaker 1: to find wisdom right there. And so if you're one

1321
01:08:13,600 --> 01:08:16,320
Speaker 1: of those people who needs it made really simple, really

1322
01:08:16,360 --> 01:08:19,800
Speaker 1: accessible to kind of shake you up, woke you up,

1323
01:08:19,840 --> 01:08:22,479
Speaker 1: you know, take your mind away from distractions. This book

1324
01:08:22,560 --> 01:08:26,040
Speaker 1: is beautifully created. For that, I highly recommend this book.

1325
01:08:26,600 --> 01:08:28,479
Speaker 1: I'm going to be picking it as one of my

1326
01:08:28,520 --> 01:08:30,960
Speaker 1: books of the months for my genius community as well.

1327
01:08:31,720 --> 01:08:34,160
Speaker 1: Please please please go support Humble. He's an awesome dude

1328
01:08:34,160 --> 01:08:37,040
Speaker 1: as well in real life. Please go follow him on Instagram,

1329
01:08:37,080 --> 01:08:40,559
Speaker 1: on Twitter, on all forms of social media, and make

1330
01:08:40,600 --> 01:08:43,200
Speaker 1: sure that you tag me and Humble with your insights

1331
01:08:43,400 --> 01:08:46,559
Speaker 1: and your takeaways from this episode. I think we've really

1332
01:08:46,600 --> 01:08:50,479
Speaker 1: got into some fascinating territory that I didn't even think

1333
01:08:50,479 --> 01:08:53,000
Speaker 1: we would and I want to know what your thoughts

1334
01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:54,880
Speaker 1: are on that, what your reflections are on that. So

1335
01:08:54,960 --> 01:08:57,839
Speaker 1: make sure you tag us both on Instagram with your biggest,

1336
01:08:58,040 --> 01:09:01,040
Speaker 1: biggest insights. And I can't wait for you to listen

1337
01:09:01,120 --> 01:09:04,479
Speaker 1: to another episode of On Purpose. Big shout out to

1338
01:09:04,560 --> 01:09:07,120
Speaker 1: Humble for turning up again. Humble was I mean, I

1339
01:09:07,160 --> 01:09:09,439
Speaker 1: want to end with this because you were one of

1340
01:09:09,439 --> 01:09:11,800
Speaker 1: the first guests to ever come on the show. You

1341
01:09:11,800 --> 01:09:14,639
Speaker 1: were in the first couple of months when we launched,

1342
01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:18,360
Speaker 1: and that's really special for me because when we started

1343
01:09:18,400 --> 01:09:20,639
Speaker 1: the podcast and when you would have recorded with me,

1344
01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:24,680
Speaker 1: the podcast didn't even exist, I don't think, and for

1345
01:09:24,760 --> 01:09:26,479
Speaker 1: everyone who believed in me to come on the show

1346
01:09:26,479 --> 01:09:28,960
Speaker 1: back then means the world to me. So the credit

1347
01:09:29,000 --> 01:09:31,519
Speaker 1: goes back to you, because I mean when you asked me,

1348
01:09:31,560 --> 01:09:34,280
Speaker 1: I was like me, well, me on the podcast, and

1349
01:09:34,320 --> 01:09:36,439
Speaker 1: it was you know, it filled my heart and yeah,

1350
01:09:36,479 --> 01:09:39,360
Speaker 1: it was definitely. You know, there was a little kind

1351
01:09:39,360 --> 01:09:41,439
Speaker 1: of a juxtaposition here, like I'm coming to talk to

1352
01:09:41,560 --> 01:09:43,680
Speaker 1: my friend, but this is also the biggest podcast in

1353
01:09:43,680 --> 01:09:47,240
Speaker 1: the world, and it's like the excitement of talking to Jay,

1354
01:09:47,320 --> 01:09:50,559
Speaker 1: but the anxiety around being on the podcast, it's just

1355
01:09:50,880 --> 01:09:53,200
Speaker 1: it really tripped me out a lot. And I appreciate,

1356
01:09:53,200 --> 01:09:54,760
Speaker 1: as I said, I appreciate you having me, but I'm

1357
01:09:54,760 --> 01:09:58,800
Speaker 1: so happy and proud. I think what I want your

1358
01:09:58,840 --> 01:10:01,439
Speaker 1: audience to know. It's one of the reasons our conversation

1359
01:10:01,520 --> 01:10:05,120
Speaker 1: goes too long. It's because you are so clear and

1360
01:10:05,200 --> 01:10:09,160
Speaker 1: purpose driven with what you do, so you don't when

1361
01:10:09,200 --> 01:10:12,800
Speaker 1: we La is a city full of dreamers and you

1362
01:10:12,880 --> 01:10:15,439
Speaker 1: are you are your your mission based, so you don't

1363
01:10:15,439 --> 01:10:19,240
Speaker 1: tell me your ambitions. You tell me your mission. And

1364
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:23,880
Speaker 1: then I watched the mission come to life. And you know,

1365
01:10:24,080 --> 01:10:27,040
Speaker 1: with most people, you know, your goals should be clear,

1366
01:10:27,280 --> 01:10:30,080
Speaker 1: your strategies can be negotiable, and I think you know

1367
01:10:30,200 --> 01:10:34,040
Speaker 1: when you mentioned this podcast or you mentioned a million

1368
01:10:34,040 --> 01:10:36,160
Speaker 1: of the other things that you that you're doing. To

1369
01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:38,559
Speaker 1: watch you speak about it, to watch it come to

1370
01:10:38,640 --> 01:10:40,920
Speaker 1: life and to watch it grow, and to watch it

1371
01:10:40,960 --> 01:10:45,719
Speaker 1: become like and everybody's people quote you all the time

1372
01:10:45,760 --> 01:10:48,280
Speaker 1: to me, not knowing we know each other. I think

1373
01:10:48,320 --> 01:10:51,080
Speaker 1: recently in an episode you mentioned my name, my phone

1374
01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:53,800
Speaker 1: blows up and it becomes But it just makes me

1375
01:10:53,840 --> 01:10:56,920
Speaker 1: so proud because this is a this is purpose driven,

1376
01:10:57,360 --> 01:10:59,240
Speaker 1: but it takes work, and you have an amazing team

1377
01:10:59,280 --> 01:11:02,360
Speaker 1: helping you do it, and you're consistent with it, and

1378
01:11:02,400 --> 01:11:04,320
Speaker 1: good things happen to people who stick with it. So

1379
01:11:04,400 --> 01:11:07,160
Speaker 1: just like congratulation with this, For me, it's being full

1380
01:11:07,160 --> 01:11:10,240
Speaker 1: circle being being one of the first episodes and me

1381
01:11:10,360 --> 01:11:12,320
Speaker 1: being here now seeing all the changes that you do

1382
01:11:12,439 --> 01:11:14,680
Speaker 1: has been. It's just it fills my heart. Yeah. That

1383
01:11:14,880 --> 01:11:18,920
Speaker 1: that also lets me know where love exists well, and

1384
01:11:19,280 --> 01:11:22,320
Speaker 1: as your friend and also as someone who you know

1385
01:11:22,479 --> 01:11:27,120
Speaker 1: doesn't like to falsely glorify and just pump people out

1386
01:11:27,120 --> 01:11:28,600
Speaker 1: with the zake of it, because I don't see the

1387
01:11:28,640 --> 01:11:30,120
Speaker 1: value in that in the same way as I don't

1388
01:11:30,160 --> 01:11:32,920
Speaker 1: see the value in criticizing people for no reason. You

1389
01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:35,439
Speaker 1: crush to them, man, like everything that you shared. There

1390
01:11:35,520 --> 01:11:39,400
Speaker 1: was so many great messages and I honestly haven't like

1391
01:11:39,760 --> 01:11:42,840
Speaker 1: thought this fast and reflected on so many things this

1392
01:11:43,000 --> 01:11:44,640
Speaker 1: much in a long time. And so you have this

1393
01:11:44,920 --> 01:11:47,800
Speaker 1: unique ability to get me in the zone really quickly too.

1394
01:11:47,800 --> 01:11:50,200
Speaker 1: And I value that friendship so much. Man, it's such

1395
01:11:50,240 --> 01:11:54,560
Speaker 1: a rare intellectual pleasure and joy as well. No, it's

1396
01:11:54,640 --> 01:11:56,400
Speaker 1: always fun, man. I wish you know. I'm glad this

1397
01:11:56,439 --> 01:11:59,200
Speaker 1: is recorded. It. I don't need to know Pad. Yeah,

1398
01:11:59,240 --> 01:12:02,280
Speaker 1: well everyone else gonna need to know, Pad. But thank you,

1399
01:12:02,360 --> 01:12:04,680
Speaker 1: humble again. Everyone in the book is called How to

1400
01:12:04,720 --> 01:12:07,960
Speaker 1: Be Love. Go and grab your copy right now. And

1401
01:12:08,000 --> 01:12:12,759
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to this episode.