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Speaker 1: Hi. Before this episode begins. I just want to make

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Speaker 1: sure that you know this series gets into some things

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Speaker 1: that might be triggering for some listeners, specifically suicide and depression.

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Speaker 1: If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts,

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Speaker 1: please seek assistance from a mental health professional, or visit

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Speaker 1: the National Institute of Mental Health website at n I

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Speaker 1: m H dot ni H dot g o V for resources.

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Speaker 1: If you're currently in crisis, you can call one hundred

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Speaker 1: to seven three talk two, or text the word hello

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Speaker 1: to one seven for one to speak to someone right away.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Britney Spears's music video for her two

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Speaker 1: thousand nine single if You Seek Amy tells a story

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Speaker 1: that's familiar to followers of her career. It starts in

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Speaker 1: a dark bedroom littered with lingerie, booze, and half naked models.

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Speaker 1: It's the more ing after a rager, and Brittany is

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Speaker 1: at the center Messcarus Mudge, the epitome of sex appeal

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Speaker 1: bad Brittany, but after a lot of gyrating and er ography,

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Speaker 1: she abandons her boustier for a pink polo shirt and

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Speaker 1: white skirt cardigan over her shoulders. She steps out the

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Speaker 1: front door into a perfectly manicured lawn where she's joined

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Speaker 1: by a country club husband and two kids. A swarm

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Speaker 1: of photographers rushes to them. This is good Brittany, Star Brittany,

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Speaker 1: the archetype of the All American dream. This tension has

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Speaker 1: been a cornerstone of Brittany's career and the story she

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Speaker 1: tells with her music. It's a story that goes all

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Speaker 1: the way back to Baby One More Time, the good

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Speaker 1: girl gone bad, the image of perfection shattered, the sexy

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Speaker 1: and liberating in between. But watching the if You Seek

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Speaker 1: Amy video, now I see another story too. Inside the house,

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Speaker 1: with its shuttered windows and shadows, is a private space,

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Speaker 1: somewhere Brittany can be her uninhibited self to name and

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Speaker 1: explore her darker truths in the company of trusted others,

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Speaker 1: before she steps out into the world and faces the

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Speaker 1: public with its prying eyes and camera flashes, though she

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Speaker 1: has to transform to put up an image of perfection.

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Speaker 1: A few months after If You Seek Amy was released

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Speaker 1: as a single. As it climbed the pop radio charts,

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Speaker 1: Alex and I became friends. I have vivid memories of

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Speaker 1: us blasting it in his bedroom or driving down the

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Speaker 1: highways of Chicago windows down, the two of us going

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Speaker 1: wild as it boomed from the car speakers. In the

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Speaker 1: song itself, which is just one massive double entendre, Brittany

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Speaker 1: goes on a metaphorical search for a woman named Amy.

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Speaker 1: I can't get her off my brain, she sings. The

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Speaker 1: frenetic energy of the video and the song remind me

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Speaker 1: of my own search for Alice, the anonymous figure Alex

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Speaker 1: befriended in Brittany fan forums. I don't know how long

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Speaker 1: they talked or when they last did, but I do

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Speaker 1: know that he was still thinking about her in his

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Speaker 1: final days, enough to include audio files of them talking

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Speaker 1: in his otherwise short farewell email. How do you call?

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Speaker 1: Do you have like a like an happer road for?

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Speaker 1: I'm Chris Stedmand and this is unread episode three. If

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Speaker 1: you seek Alice? Tell them that all the little let's

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Speaker 1: still see I get Jesus. Yes, Can you teach me

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Speaker 1: how to be an investigative journalist in like the next

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Speaker 1: thirty minutes? That'd be super helpful. Yes, I can. In

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Speaker 1: that it's a job. That's not a job. I mean,

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Speaker 1: all you have to do is be good at looking

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Speaker 1: for things? Okay here, I mean, anybody who lives on

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Speaker 1: the internet right now. It's probably decent at searching for stuff.

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Speaker 1: You can do it. That's my friend Carrie. We've known

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Speaker 1: each other for almost a decade. We met as speakers

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Speaker 1: at a skeptics convention, a gathering of people who share

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Speaker 1: interests like scientific skepticism, atheism, agnosticism, and just generally questioning things.

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Speaker 1: I was smoking in the hotel lobby. It was Las Vegas,

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Speaker 1: and I was a little ship back then. When Carrie

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Speaker 1: and I started talking, she told me smoking was bad,

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Speaker 1: So I signed my pack of Parliament lights for her

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Speaker 1: and wrote don't smoke on it. She still has that

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Speaker 1: pack on display in her apartment. Carry is an investigative journalist,

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Speaker 1: an excellent one. She co hosts the podcast Oh No,

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Speaker 1: Ross and Carry, and holds a mask 's degree in

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Speaker 1: journalism from the University of Southern California. Do you have

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Speaker 1: a spoke Yo account? I don't. Okay, I do, and

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Speaker 1: it can be pretty good for reverse looking up phone

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Speaker 1: numbers and emails. Logging onto Spokyo is literally the most

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Speaker 1: beginners thing you can do when looking for a person.

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Speaker 1: So the fact that I haven't even done that should

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Speaker 1: tell you where I'm starting. Fortunately, Carrie is no beginner.

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Speaker 1: Carry was also one of the first people I reached

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Speaker 1: out to in the moments after getting Alex's email. She

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Speaker 1: helped me process it and then we snapped into action,

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Speaker 1: hoping there was still a window. First, she helped me

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Speaker 1: connect with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline so that I

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Speaker 1: could arrange a wellness check at the most recent address

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Speaker 1: I had for Alex. As I was on the phone

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Speaker 1: with them, Carrie was digging away as she does, eventually

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Speaker 1: finding what we thought was his sister's phone number but

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Speaker 1: turned out to be his mom's. That was a hard call.

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Speaker 1: I'm reaching out to Carry again because finding Alice feels impossible,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know anyone who's found the unfindable more

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Speaker 1: often than she has. But to understand why this search

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Speaker 1: feels like such a shot in the dark in the

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Speaker 1: first place, you have to understand Alice's world. When I start,

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Speaker 1: she's nothing but a fragmented voice that sounds like Brittney's

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Speaker 1: and a trail of Internet accounts that seem to no

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Speaker 1: longer exist. What I'm saying is to understand how to

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Speaker 1: find Alice, you have to understand the space from which

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Speaker 1: she emerged. The strange, ephemeral online world of a Brittney stand.

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Speaker 1: If you've spent even a little time on social media,

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Speaker 1: you've almost certainly bumped into a stand. The term stand

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Speaker 1: often gets traced back to the Eminem song of the

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Speaker 1: same name about a diabolically obsessed fan. Today, it's used

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Speaker 1: to refer to an artist's most fervent devotes, people whose

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Speaker 1: very identities orient around their love of a star. You

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Speaker 1: can find them in the replies to every tweet about

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Speaker 1: a celebrity, especially a pop star, and probably half of

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Speaker 1: unrelated tweets too. Stream good Days Here they write in

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Speaker 1: all caps below every Scissor tweet with links to the

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Speaker 1: song on each streaming platform, Lana out sold. They reply

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Speaker 1: to a tweet about climate change or the death of

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Speaker 1: Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Stands are all over the Internet most

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Speaker 1: of the time. That's how they find one another and

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Speaker 1: where they do their good work. They also congregate in

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Speaker 1: more private spaces online enclaves of their own making, typically forums.

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Speaker 1: They're known for being zealous in both their adoration for

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Speaker 1: and defensiveness of their chosen artist. Perhaps the most notable

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Speaker 1: example can be found in the Barbs or Nicki Minaj

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Speaker 1: fans who I will never say an ill word about,

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Speaker 1: both because I think her album Queen didn't get the

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Speaker 1: love it deserved and because I'd like to know peace.

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Speaker 1: The barbs also exemplify something central to the stand phenomenon.

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Speaker 1: Stand groups begin with a shared love for an artist,

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Speaker 1: but they become much more than a fan club. These

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Speaker 1: groups develop characteristics, language norms all their own. Barbs aren't

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Speaker 1: just nicky fans. Being a barb is a lifestyle. That's

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Speaker 1: because online stand groups are, at their core communities, places

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Speaker 1: where people find a sense of identity and language for

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Speaker 1: their experiences, where they cultivate a feeling of purpose and

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Speaker 1: coherence that helps them make sense of their world, almost

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Speaker 1: like a religion. It's no surprise, then, that these communities

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Speaker 1: often include more marginalized members of society. Queer people in particular.

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Speaker 1: Stands build their own digital universes to inhabit refugees built

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Speaker 1: for and buy them. But these groups aren't bubbles. They

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Speaker 1: shape the culture around them too. The discourse surrounding Brittany

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Speaker 1: is a perfect example of this influence. Empathy toward her,

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Speaker 1: once relegated to STAND spaces, now dominates the conversation. This

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Speaker 1: is true more indirectly too. The Britney references of today

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Speaker 1: are more playful than cruel, often framing her as a

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Speaker 1: stand in for all of us instead of a punch line.

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Speaker 1: Whether it's a screenshot of an early career interview where

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Speaker 1: Britney says everyone's been doing emails, or a gift of

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Speaker 1: her turning around in the middle of a concert as

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Speaker 1: if she just noticed something. Hundreds of moments from Britney's

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Speaker 1: career have become well loved memes. Beyond these little flashes,

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Speaker 1: a broader period of her life now serves as a

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Speaker 1: meme too. If Britney Spears survived two thousand seven, I

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Speaker 1: can survive today is a mantra for the times. But

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Speaker 1: the Britney memes of today are not just a result

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Speaker 1: of people mining the past. Her current Instagram output inspires

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Speaker 1: them too. People recreate videos of her doing fashion shows

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Speaker 1: down the hallway of her home, or post videos of

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Speaker 1: her twirling and making silly faces in front of the

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Speaker 1: camera with captions like what my ns A agent sees

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Speaker 1: through my webcam and don't even get me started it on.

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Speaker 1: All the memes that were born when she casually mentioned

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Speaker 1: accidentally burning down her own gym in an Instagram video.

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Speaker 1: So many of these memes emerge in Britney stand spaces

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Speaker 1: and eventually shape our view of the world too. Yet,

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Speaker 1: even as stands define our online experience, there's so much

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Speaker 1: more going on in their communities than meets the eye.

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Speaker 1: It's in this wonderland that I hope to find Alice.

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Speaker 1: But first I have to go down the rabbit hole. Fortunately,

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Speaker 1: I know just the rabbit. I don't know. How are

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Speaker 1: you a bottom? Like a child? I like like imajority things.

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Speaker 1: It's like when you watch a performance on television. You

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Speaker 1: just want to believe it's all real, even though it's not.

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Speaker 1: But I don't care. I don't want to know. I

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Speaker 1: want to have a fantasy. That's do it again. I

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Speaker 1: went to him to understand the culture of Brittany stand

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Speaker 1: hum a bit more and the relationships forged in it.

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Speaker 1: He starts by explaining why he got involved in the

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Speaker 1: first place. I'm twenty three years old. I just it

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Speaker 1: out of my first and only straight relationship. Um, I'm

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Speaker 1: done with college and I'm back with my parents over

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Speaker 1: eating and I go online like that's my life, you know,

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Speaker 1: purely online, And you know, since I don't have much

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Speaker 1: hobbies in my life. One of them is Britney Spears.

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Speaker 1: I go and um, I had no idea that there's

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Speaker 1: a whole side dedicated to Britney Spears, which makes sense,

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Speaker 1: you know, like I'm from Greatia. For his first few

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Speaker 1: months on this Britney fan forum, he mostly just read

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Speaker 1: threads and kept up on Brittany news. Eventually he decided

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Speaker 1: to dive in, and he quickly found it was the

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Speaker 1: perfect outlet for his particular sense of humor. As soon

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Speaker 1: as he started ship posting, Do I found his match

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Speaker 1: in another poster who went by the name Ambient Hollow.

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Speaker 1: That was Alex. He was morbid, he was fun. He

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Speaker 1: made fun of breaking, but not like you know, he

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Speaker 1: was comedian like that. And at one point we just

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Speaker 1: started talking and we went from the side, you know,

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Speaker 1: two emails. Once they moved their conversations off the forum,

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Speaker 1: things turned more serious. Do I opened up to Alex

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Speaker 1: about his life. He's the first person that I came

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Speaker 1: out to as homosexual, which my son shuttled to some

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Speaker 1: people because I held like mustache and everything. But um, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think I was late bloomer for a lot of things,

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Speaker 1: and I certainly wasn't so it was like this person

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Speaker 1: that I could talk to for ours and Alex opened

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Speaker 1: up to do about his He's the first person that

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Speaker 1: I actually ever heard that was dealing with depression, and

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Speaker 1: I remember reading about it because I really wanted to

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Speaker 1: be like a good friend, even though like he's on

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Speaker 1: another continent. They would get lost in conversation, swept up

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Speaker 1: in the magic of finding a space where they could

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Speaker 1: beat themselves. Seriously. I would stay up lad until five

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Speaker 1: a m. In the morning because his time, and we

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Speaker 1: will just talk forever, and we would, you know, create

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Speaker 1: dis content on the forum. When they did, they weren't

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Speaker 1: just sharing a love of Brittany, but also building a

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Speaker 1: new world, their world together. I never met a person

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Speaker 1: in my environment that loves Britney Spears. So when I realized,

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Speaker 1: you know, he loves Brittany just as much as I do,

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Speaker 1: and we can just take that love and build, you know,

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Speaker 1: imaginary topics, it was such a high stand. Communities are

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Speaker 1: little ecosystems, small universes, places that are not only built

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Speaker 1: around a star, but where new stars rise. Do It

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Speaker 1: and Alex, who both felt disempowered in other parts of

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Speaker 1: their lives, became celebrities in their own little corner of

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Speaker 1: the Brittany stand Um. You know, I don't want to

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Speaker 1: be this braggy guy, but we were really famous there.

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Speaker 1: Like I remember one time we got suspended and we

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Speaker 1: had people signing petitions to bring us back. It was fun.

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Speaker 1: It was really great prodoite of my life, even though

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Speaker 1: I was just by myself in the room, but like

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Speaker 1: it was my body. One thing they bonded over was

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Speaker 1: lovingly teasing Brittany. That could get them in trouble. On

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Speaker 1: the forums, fans could be extremely defensive of her, and

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Speaker 1: for good reason, but sometimes they get mad at Alex

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Speaker 1: and do it even when they weren't making fun of her. Seriously,

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Speaker 1: like people discuss mental health and who better to discuss that,

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Speaker 1: you know, the NUS and people will report that because

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Speaker 1: they thought we are making fun of her. To be fair, though,

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Speaker 1: do it and Alex would make fun of her too.

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Speaker 1: They're not some anomaly though. This is a thing in

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Speaker 1: stand culture, something that from the outside might not make sense. Yes,

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Speaker 1: Brittany Stands will destroy you if you say a single

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Speaker 1: bad word about her, But on the forums they call home,

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Speaker 1: you will also find a sea of memes teasing Brittany

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Speaker 1: in fact, there's an entire genre of meme popular among

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Speaker 1: her stands based on a single unflattering photo of her,

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Speaker 1: who they've named need. Even if you're not familiar with

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Speaker 1: it by name, you've probably seen the photo. It's the

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Speaker 1: one where Brittany is sitting in her booth and kind

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Speaker 1: of like looking really over it and like, well, just

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Speaker 1: look it up for yourself anyway. Tabloids might initially popularize

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Speaker 1: images like this, but stands are the reason they're seared

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Speaker 1: into a corner of your brain if you spend any

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Speaker 1: time online. For many stands, the teasing is just another

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Speaker 1: way of expressing love. I don't know how you are

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Speaker 1: with your family, but like I never really said my

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Speaker 1: sister like I love you or anything nice. You know,

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Speaker 1: when you love somebody like that, you just poke fun

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Speaker 1: of it and all people will understand. This is also

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Speaker 1: a very queer thing. Here's former MTV b J Dave

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Speaker 1: Holmes again, who I reached out to for help understanding

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Speaker 1: Britney's connection to her queer fans in the early twenty

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Speaker 1: one century. Right, queer people are coming out earlier. The

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Speaker 1: Internet makes it easy for you to find your tribe

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Speaker 1: at and also there is we have to acknowledge that

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Speaker 1: there is a queer gaze. You know, there is a

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Speaker 1: There is a gay man's way of loving, particularly a

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Speaker 1: diva that is part adoration and is also part making fun.

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Speaker 1: The love comes with with a crack with a devastating comment.

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Speaker 1: While once kept to more marginal spaces, stand culture and

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Speaker 1: queer culture at large has helped poort this phenomenon to

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Speaker 1: the mainstream. Today, we playfully drag those we love most,

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Speaker 1: our favorite celebrities, but also one another, while protecting each

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Speaker 1: other's humanity when a real attack comes. The demand to

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Speaker 1: honor Britney's dignity first gained major notice with Chris Crocker's

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Speaker 1: iconic leave Brittany Alone rallying cry. Her song is called

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Speaker 1: give me More for a reason, because all you people

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Speaker 1: want is more and more and more and more and

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Speaker 1: more alone. Crocker may have been roundly mocked at the time,

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Speaker 1: but that cry is actually what got me to start

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Speaker 1: paying attention to her humanity. While many of us were

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Speaker 1: late to Crocker's party, a lot of people are there now.

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Speaker 1: For many attendees, though, especially the most ardent ones, it's

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Speaker 1: not just about Britney's dignity but also their own. I

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Speaker 1: think gay men are still reflectively used to indirect representation,

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Speaker 1: like you're still all all boys are taught to stifle

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Speaker 1: their emotions and push their feelings down and never be

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Speaker 1: sad and never be vulnerable. You've got to stuff all

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Speaker 1: that ship down. And so where fifty years ago gay

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Speaker 1: men were attracted to over the top actresses because that

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Speaker 1: was like a way to launder emotion and it was

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Speaker 1: like you can you can. I can't have my emotions,

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Speaker 1: but you can have them for me and I can

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Speaker 1: like kind of feel it along with you. I think

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Speaker 1: she was a little bit that for young gay men.

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Speaker 1: I don't think I understood the depth of people's connection

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Speaker 1: and devotion too and with her like until I started

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Speaker 1: seeing the Free Brittany movement. And it's really it is

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Speaker 1: felt very deeply the Brittany fan forums where Alex and

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Speaker 1: Dummett were a profoundly tight knit world. But the fans

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Speaker 1: in these forums weren't just posting. Sometimes they would meet

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Speaker 1: in a tiny chat voice chat rooms that were popular

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Speaker 1: among some message board users in the early to talk

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Speaker 1: over audio instead of just through text. It's in one

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Speaker 1: of these audio group chats where a user popped up

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Speaker 1: one day who shook their entire world. I remember, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, you would go to tiny Chet because you

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Speaker 1: were like, you just wanted to spend some time. And

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Speaker 1: at the time, this girl she would come in and

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Speaker 1: she sounded exactly like Britney would. And the thing that

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Speaker 1: really was fun. She never claimed to be Brittany, which

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Speaker 1: only gave her credit to be Brittany. She would come

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Speaker 1: in and she would just talk random everyday stuff. She

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Speaker 1: would love as Brittany. She would be as Brittany, you

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Speaker 1: know everything signature she would do it. My Twitter. My

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Speaker 1: Twitter is Banana Alan and I created it today and

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Speaker 1: um banana Alice. No, okay, it's it's like this, where

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Speaker 1: can you personal a little chat thing like down here? Yeah? No,

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Speaker 1: it's my person already. Oh oh it's you let it go.

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Speaker 1: Five followers. I was one of the I'm one of

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Speaker 1: those followers. I Alice, if you're my most bite song

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00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,200
Speaker 1: of all time is Piece of Me with thirty plays

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Speaker 1: True Life. Wow. And so the audiences with Alice began.

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00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:17,800
Speaker 1: They'd talk about mundane things like cooking. I like to cook.

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00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,440
Speaker 1: Probably have a favorite recipe, that's fine, Do you do

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Speaker 1: you have a favorite recipe? No? I don't have a

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Speaker 1: favorite recipe or anything, but I like making most sad Ya.

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Speaker 1: What kind of jobs she should get? You have such

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00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,760
Speaker 1: a sweet voice. You should be like a telemarketer or something.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, she should be. I'm calling from you know,

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Speaker 1: and I'm trying to solve it. The music she was

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Speaker 1: listening to, do you have any foundations for new music house? Um,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I really like this guy named Ron Pope.

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Speaker 1: He's really cool. He's like he's a guy from New

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Speaker 1: York and he's um. I like him alive. She'd even

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00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:01,040
Speaker 1: get a bit maternal with them in moments, telling overly

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Speaker 1: excited stands to go to bed. No, I didn't sleep

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Speaker 1: at all. I haven't shot at all. Oh my god,

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00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:15,280
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Bed no way. At first it was

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00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:18,800
Speaker 1: an exclusive club. The first couple of times she were there,

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00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:22,399
Speaker 1: there wasn't that many people on tiny chat. It was

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00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,200
Speaker 1: like fifteen people or something. But then lower about this

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00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:30,080
Speaker 1: mysterious figure started to spread and stands with joint tiny

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Speaker 1: chats in the hope of holding court with this uncanny

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00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:36,480
Speaker 1: Britney sound alike. She was almost like a mirage there

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Speaker 1: for a moment, then just as quickly back into the

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Speaker 1: shadows and then she kind of stopped, you know, shumming up,

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Speaker 1: but she didn't vanish completely. Alice liked a talked to

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Speaker 1: Alex outside of the tiny chats. I remember Alex telling

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Speaker 1: me that she once had talked with her and then

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Speaker 1: actually it was like this depressed person as well. He

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00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,200
Speaker 1: never talked to Alice one on one, but do says

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Speaker 1: Alex told him they bonded over mental health. He has

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00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 1: no idea if their connection went beyond the one conversation

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00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:16,480
Speaker 1: Alex mentioned to him, though it's been almost a decade

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Speaker 1: since those Alice tiny chats. I asked to do it

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Speaker 1: if you had any thoughts about where I might look

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00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,320
Speaker 1: for her now, if I was trying to find more

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Speaker 1: information about Alice online or like some of the other

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Speaker 1: people who were in the chat with you and Alice

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Speaker 1: and Alice pertly know how you can because tiny chat

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00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,280
Speaker 1: is not the then side, and I think majority of

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00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:41,439
Speaker 1: those accounts are either bent or gone. Yeah, they were

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00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:46,800
Speaker 1: all anonymous, and so you know that's the problem. It

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Speaker 1: is the problem, which is why I need to go

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Speaker 1: back to Carry, who I hope can help me cut

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Speaker 1: through the fantasy and figure out how I might actually

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Speaker 1: find this person. My first issue is a big one.

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00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,240
Speaker 1: I don't have much to go on. I don't even

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Speaker 1: know if Alice is this person's actual name. Well, that's

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Speaker 1: tougher because you're not starting with their name. You're not

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Speaker 1: actually finding the person. You're finding the name first, right,

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00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,440
Speaker 1: So we begin going through what little I do have.

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00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:18,840
Speaker 1: We start with the texts between Alex and Alice. As

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Speaker 1: I tell Carrie about them, I noticed that a couple

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Speaker 1: have a kind of signature at the end these text messages.

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Speaker 1: There's really not much there except that one of the

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Speaker 1: messages um Alex said to Alice, Oh my god, I

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00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:36,879
Speaker 1: want to taco so bad hashtag deep and then she

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00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,880
Speaker 1: replied why don't you go to Taco Bell question mark

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00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:44,359
Speaker 1: via mo plus and then afterwards in parentheses H T

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00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,840
Speaker 1: T P colon slash slash m O P L dot

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00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:53,320
Speaker 1: us and I've I've never heard of this mo plus before. Yeah,

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00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,400
Speaker 1: what's that might be something to look into, I guess.

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00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:01,040
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, definitely a mo plus. It the best calling

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00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:07,840
Speaker 1: up available, Chris says its website. So this person was

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00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:12,800
Speaker 1: using some calling app. Yeah. That's kind of interesting though,

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00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,680
Speaker 1: because that seems like a way you would sort of

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00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:21,080
Speaker 1: cloak your identity. Carrie looks around on their website. You

386
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,800
Speaker 1: could try I do this stuff all the time, like

387
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,880
Speaker 1: sending an email, just to really try to be extremely

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00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,520
Speaker 1: casual about it before they can get their defenses up.

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00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,760
Speaker 1: You might be able to get something that way. Yeah. No,

390
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:36,639
Speaker 1: I'll definitely try reaching out to them. See look, I'm

391
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,440
Speaker 1: talking to you, and I've already I'm already much further

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00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:44,160
Speaker 1: than I was before. Next, we pour over the audiophiles

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00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,600
Speaker 1: Alex sent Carry uses headphones to listen while I poke

394
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:51,000
Speaker 1: around for more Alice info online. Every now and then

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00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,600
Speaker 1: I hear Carry laugh, and each time I guess which

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00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:57,040
Speaker 1: part in the audio she's at. As she listens, Carrie

397
00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,320
Speaker 1: jots down user names she hears other people in the

398
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,800
Speaker 1: tiny chat share as they discuss who's in the room.

399
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,159
Speaker 1: She points out that people often use different versions of

400
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,560
Speaker 1: the same handle for a bunch of services. So I

401
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,160
Speaker 1: put variations of those user names into my search bar.

402
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 1: It feels like we're making progress, but still no solid leads.

403
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,400
Speaker 1: So wanting something a little more interesting, I start reading

404
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,880
Speaker 1: up on Britney's Instagram, looking for anything resembling a clue.

405
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,560
Speaker 1: On November one, a day after Halloween, and just over

406
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,439
Speaker 1: a month before Alex took his life, she had posted

407
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,639
Speaker 1: something that seems to fit the bill. The caption reads,

408
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,680
Speaker 1: oops a day late, but hey, I was Alice this

409
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:41,480
Speaker 1: year for Halloween. Could mean something, But Alice in Wonderland

410
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:45,560
Speaker 1: is not exactly an obscure reference. I do this dance

411
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,800
Speaker 1: for a while. Searching user names looking through Brittney's Instagram

412
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,880
Speaker 1: carries right. Anyone with the Internet can be an investigator.

413
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,399
Speaker 1: Most of us do it all the time, background checks

414
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,080
Speaker 1: on our Tinder dates, stocking xs, even the ones we

415
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:01,879
Speaker 1: don't really give a shit about, looking for meaning in

416
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:08,800
Speaker 1: every other post. Everyone leaves a digital paper trail these days,

417
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,479
Speaker 1: and within a few minutes of googling someone, we can

418
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,920
Speaker 1: piece together our own story of who they are based

419
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,040
Speaker 1: on the fragments we find. But how do we know

420
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:23,320
Speaker 1: what's real on the surface. Alex's digital paper trail, at

421
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,400
Speaker 1: least the one associated with his birth name, didn't tell

422
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:31,159
Speaker 1: the full story. Alex started using the Internet early, and

423
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,280
Speaker 1: from the beginning he didn't play by the rules. As

424
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,719
Speaker 1: a ten year old, he started trolling mostly grown up

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00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 1: movie fans on a message board. He'd post reviews of

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00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,880
Speaker 1: movies that hadn't even been released, yet the adults were

427
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:47,400
Speaker 1: not amused. As more people moved into the virtual world

428
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,680
Speaker 1: with the rise of my Space and Facebook, Alex took

429
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,879
Speaker 1: a similar approach to those spaces. While everyone else was

430
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:59,080
Speaker 1: using social media to share engagement photos, college graduation posts,

431
00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,960
Speaker 1: and job announced Alex used it almost exclusively like he

432
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:07,960
Speaker 1: did those forums. For humor to play. Here's show she

433
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:13,520
Speaker 1: recalling one especially memorable Facebook update. He made a post

434
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 1: that I had had a kid. Oh my god, I

435
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:22,840
Speaker 1: remember that, and then and then your dad, your dad. Yeah,

436
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:29,440
Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, you probably remember it better than I do.

437
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 1: I did remember it, but I wanted to get his

438
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:35,719
Speaker 1: wording exactly right. So I went digging through some files

439
00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:38,840
Speaker 1: Alex left for us, and there it was the fake

440
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:43,840
Speaker 1: pregnancy announcement. So that it's two screenshots. One is from

441
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:48,000
Speaker 1: Alex says three hours ago, and then it says, finally

442
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,440
Speaker 1: able to break the news, my sister is pregnant with

443
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 1: a baby. Boy. You go, girl. Never thought I'd be

444
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:56,240
Speaker 1: an uncle at such a young age. God bless can't

445
00:27:56,280 --> 00:28:00,080
Speaker 1: wait until thor Emmanuel blesses us with his present and

446
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:05,280
Speaker 1: heart emoj And then below it is a screenshot from

447
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:08,359
Speaker 1: your dad's Facebook and it says one hour ago and

448
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,320
Speaker 1: it says, just learned that I am going to be

449
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 1: a grandfather soon. Seems weird. Seems weird, But good being

450
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 1: so mad at him that because I had to ideal

451
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 1: with the fallout of that, and at that point I

452
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:33,000
Speaker 1: did not think it was funny. At that point, people didn't,

453
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:36,320
Speaker 1: at least on social media. People did not think that

454
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 1: people control like that. At the same time that he's,

455
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 1: you know, posting these silly things on social media throughout

456
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 1: the years, he's on message boards, posting very serious things,

457
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:54,720
Speaker 1: connecting with people, meeting people. You know, all these people

458
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 1: are seeing aside of him, or he's showing these people

459
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 1: aside of him, or feeling comfortable enough to be super

460
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,800
Speaker 1: authentic in a way that he didn't ever feel like

461
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 1: he could be on social media. Hey guys, and better

462
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,320
Speaker 1: than you. Oh my god, I'm having so much fun

463
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 1: on the beach. That's Alex in in a video he

464
00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:22,440
Speaker 1: posted to Instagram with the caption my short film inspired

465
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:27,000
Speaker 1: by like everyone on social media. James remembers the time

466
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:30,000
Speaker 1: Alex shared his frustrations about how a lot of people

467
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:33,440
Speaker 1: reacted to his Instagram posts he had posted just like

468
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 1: a shirtless photo of him outside, which got like, you know,

469
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:37,920
Speaker 1: hundreds of likes, and then he posts like a really

470
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 1: beautiful picture of just like an open window and some

471
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,880
Speaker 1: landscape and it got like no likes, and like in

472
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,680
Speaker 1: the comment section, he like calls out all his own

473
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,320
Speaker 1: followers for like not liking content unless it was like

474
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 1: a sexualized picture of him, like naked outside. I think

475
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 1: it just speaks to like how conflicted he was about

476
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 1: Instagram or social media and like loving it and also

477
00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 1: hating at the same time. Well, so fial media left

478
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:04,800
Speaker 1: Alex feeling disillusioned. On forums he could be his full,

479
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:10,400
Speaker 1: uninhibited self. Being himself in so called real life often

480
00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:14,800
Speaker 1: came with consequences. Back when he worked at that Bengal

481
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,480
Speaker 1: shop with Bath in two thousand nine, Alex would get

482
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,120
Speaker 1: reprimanded for playing music too loud or not having the

483
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,880
Speaker 1: details of the latest Bengal special memorized. It was clear

484
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 1: to Bath that Alex found so many of the job's

485
00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:30,680
Speaker 1: rules pointless. Why memorize every kind of bangle when you

486
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:32,920
Speaker 1: could just turn around and look at the board behind you.

487
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:37,320
Speaker 1: I just remember like anger, and I don't mean rage,

488
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:39,320
Speaker 1: I just mean in response to him being too much

489
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:41,280
Speaker 1: or too annoy or whatever he were to get in

490
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:45,360
Speaker 1: trouble for being too much music wise or customer service wise.

491
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,360
Speaker 1: It wasn't met with shame or worry. It was met

492
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:56,760
Speaker 1: with like anger and sarcasm or snippy irritation. And I

493
00:30:56,880 --> 00:30:58,840
Speaker 1: do think that probably was a big part of why

494
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 1: he liked the Internet so much, because he could kind

495
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:02,680
Speaker 1: of like, he didn't have to jump through any hoops.

496
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:05,280
Speaker 1: He could just like put whatever he wanted, whatever you

497
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:10,320
Speaker 1: want on the Internet, and let's you get your account suspended.

498
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:14,880
Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah exactly, I mean yeah, and he and

499
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 1: he did a lot all the time. Yeah, but it

500
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:23,120
Speaker 1: didn't cost him a paycheck or yeah, exactly cost him much.

501
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:31,560
Speaker 1: He just opened into account and he did. Freedom. That's

502
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:36,280
Speaker 1: what the Internet gave Alex. Freedom to express himself, freedom

503
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:39,200
Speaker 1: from a world with so many pointless hoops to jump through,

504
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 1: hoops that can feel especially daunting when you're living with

505
00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:50,480
Speaker 1: mental illness. The Internet's promise of freedom from rules and

506
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,720
Speaker 1: gatekeepers is actually a big part of what fuels my

507
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 1: fantasy that Alison Brittany could be one and the same.

508
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,240
Speaker 1: Over the years of Brittany self has used the Internet

509
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:05,240
Speaker 1: to circumvent various gatekeepers. She rocketed to fame at the

510
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:07,680
Speaker 1: beginning of the Internet era, but it wasn't until the

511
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 1: late two thousand's, in the midst of a media frenzy,

512
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,800
Speaker 1: that she really took to the Internet to express herself publicly.

513
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,960
Speaker 1: During that time, Brittney's website became one of the only

514
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:21,880
Speaker 1: places where she could speak directly to people. Fans still

515
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:24,800
Speaker 1: talk about the posts she shared on her short lived blog.

516
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:29,080
Speaker 1: Perhaps the most infamous was titled You'll never see it

517
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:32,840
Speaker 1: my way because you're not me real talk. I'm like

518
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:35,800
Speaker 1: sure I wrote a anger post with that exact same

519
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:39,600
Speaker 1: title at one point. Then there's the first post on

520
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:42,880
Speaker 1: her blog, a poem entitled Remembrance of who I Am.

521
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,760
Speaker 1: It included a note, this is for everyone who thinks

522
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:51,640
Speaker 1: they know me. After years of Brittany being almost untouchably famous,

523
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:58,000
Speaker 1: her blog seemed to offer her unfettered thoughts. Today, Instagram

524
00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,760
Speaker 1: has taken center stage as a window and Brittany's life.

525
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 1: But in an era of highly polished celebrity social media accounts,

526
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 1: when so many A listers employed teams to carefully construct

527
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:13,360
Speaker 1: digital personas, Brittany's Instagram stands out as feeling like her

528
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 1: blog almost intentionally low fi and haphazard on Instagram. It

529
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:24,280
Speaker 1: feels like Brittany is really being Brittany. Is it outlandish

530
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:27,960
Speaker 1: to think that this same Brittany, who has regularly gone

531
00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:31,800
Speaker 1: online to express herself and rejected the manicured approach to

532
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:36,120
Speaker 1: social media, might stumble into some online forums to chat

533
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:42,040
Speaker 1: with fifteen or so trusted stands. Another thing fueling this

534
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:45,480
Speaker 1: fantasy is that I know for sure that Alex did

535
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: connect with some of his favorite celebrities online. There was

536
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:53,240
Speaker 1: Mira Sarvino, star of Alex's all time favorite movie Romeyan

537
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:57,680
Speaker 1: Michelle's high school reunion. Alex left some of his passwords

538
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,080
Speaker 1: to show she, including one to a Twitter account of

539
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:03,720
Speaker 1: his that somehow hadn't been suspended in his d M.

540
00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:08,480
Speaker 1: There she was Mira Sorvino, chatting it up with a fan.

541
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,840
Speaker 1: What we thought might have been a fantasy while Alex

542
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 1: was alive, just one of the many funny, random absurd

543
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 1: things he'd text us about had actually been real. Here's LEXI.

544
00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 1: You're sort of immersed in your own ship and then

545
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,680
Speaker 1: like he sends you like a weird tax being like,

546
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,400
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm talking with Mira Sorvino. And you're like,

547
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:35,040
Speaker 1: what cool um? And it's like obviously, like I want

548
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:36,920
Speaker 1: to be supportive, but it's like, in the back of

549
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 1: my mind, I don't fully believe him, but like I

550
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:43,400
Speaker 1: don't know if he actually is that's amazing, you know,

551
00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 1: And turns out he was. They're definitely like were moments

552
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:51,839
Speaker 1: of me like not believing him, and those moments were

553
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:55,680
Speaker 1: like probably when I was most immersed in my own

554
00:34:56,600 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 1: mundane life. Alex was also always posting about his biggest

555
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:08,560
Speaker 1: celebrity crush, Fred Durst, the lead singer of Limp Biscuit

556
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 1: I Know. Eventually all of Alex's Durst tributes got Fred's attention,

557
00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:17,200
Speaker 1: and he left an emoji comment on one of Alex's

558
00:35:17,239 --> 00:35:21,160
Speaker 1: Instagram posts and viewed some of his stories. Alex talked

559
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:25,880
Speaker 1: about it for weeks. Thanks to the Internet, fans can

560
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:28,759
Speaker 1: feel closer and more connected to their favorite stars than

561
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 1: ever before. If Alex was interacting with the star of

562
00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:36,200
Speaker 1: his favorite movie and his number one crush online, is

563
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:39,160
Speaker 1: it possible he was interacting with his favorite singer too.

564
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:43,160
Speaker 1: I go back to my search for Alice, which in

565
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 1: a way feels like embodying Alex's digital freedom. It is

566
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:51,759
Speaker 1: freeing to put my skepticism to rest and just dive

567
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:56,560
Speaker 1: in show. She an expert internet sleuth in her own right,

568
00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:00,319
Speaker 1: offers to help, and we decide to swap notes. Tell

569
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,120
Speaker 1: me what you found about Alice so far, because you're

570
00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:06,799
Speaker 1: like the super sleuth extraordinaire. Well, I guess that when

571
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:13,279
Speaker 1: I first started doing the investigating, I was hoping that

572
00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:17,520
Speaker 1: what I would find would be proof that it was Brittany.

573
00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:20,880
Speaker 1: But while show, she's found a lot more than I

574
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,880
Speaker 1: have other clips of Alice talking to people in tiny chats,

575
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:28,040
Speaker 1: some of her old tweets and other posts, she hasn't

576
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:33,000
Speaker 1: found proof. In fact, she's mostly found skepticism. As I

577
00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:38,080
Speaker 1: started doing more investigating, I saw so many posts from

578
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:42,759
Speaker 1: people um that said it definitely wasn't Brittany. People are

579
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,640
Speaker 1: very passionate over this. That was one thing I found.

580
00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:51,000
Speaker 1: There are a lot of posts where someone just asks

581
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:56,200
Speaker 1: who has banana Alice, And it's pretty hilarious to see

582
00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:01,600
Speaker 1: there are so many passionate response is saying it's not Brittany,

583
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:05,920
Speaker 1: this was from so long ago. It's just someone pretending

584
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:10,960
Speaker 1: who cares leave it alone. I tell carry about these

585
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:15,399
Speaker 1: discussion threads too. I mean, so what I'm getting from

586
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:21,920
Speaker 1: all of this is you have probably already a community

587
00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:25,400
Speaker 1: of sleuths who are on this because it's just the

588
00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:27,560
Speaker 1: sort of thing anybody would obsess over right. If you're

589
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:29,520
Speaker 1: a Britney Spears fanning, you think maybe you talk to

590
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 1: Britney Spears like you've already. It's got a lot of

591
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,880
Speaker 1: the work Chris is now trying to do. My feeling

592
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:39,320
Speaker 1: about it is that there's probably a lot of this

593
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:42,480
Speaker 1: fook work just sitting out there waiting for you, um

594
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:47,279
Speaker 1: in the form of these other fans. So I create

595
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,200
Speaker 1: an account on that forum to reach out to some

596
00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:52,200
Speaker 1: of the people who say they interacted with Alice. Well,

597
00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:54,440
Speaker 1: I'm waiting for it to get approved. I look in

598
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:58,040
Speaker 1: other parts of the online Brittany stand world. I find

599
00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:00,440
Speaker 1: a Twitter account that some Britney fans they kiss her

600
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:04,280
Speaker 1: latest secret profile. Then I spot a verified Twitter account

601
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:07,080
Speaker 1: belonging to an actor that follows and has interacted with it.

602
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:11,239
Speaker 1: I message him to ask why a lot of fan

603
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,359
Speaker 1: sites were claiming it was her. He says a friend

604
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,880
Speaker 1: of mine was following it and buying into a conspiracy

605
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:19,400
Speaker 1: that it must be her. Trying to reach out in anonymity.

606
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:24,520
Speaker 1: This response makes me think of Alex. How he was

607
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:28,160
Speaker 1: that friend for me, always sending me some new Brittany theory,

608
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:30,840
Speaker 1: how he tried to get me to go into the

609
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:34,960
Speaker 1: tiny chats when Alice was there. I never fully integrated

610
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:38,120
Speaker 1: into Alex's online world, but he would invite me to

611
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:42,760
Speaker 1: dip my toes in. This was one of Alex's greatest gifts.

612
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:45,440
Speaker 1: He would pull you out of your own life and

613
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,760
Speaker 1: into his world. You felt like you could like step

614
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,600
Speaker 1: inside of this fantasy with him and like sort of

615
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:55,839
Speaker 1: escape your real life and like go into like fun

616
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:59,600
Speaker 1: alex Land. And a lot of times I would find

617
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:04,200
Speaker 1: myself not caring whether or not something was real, even

618
00:39:04,239 --> 00:39:06,359
Speaker 1: as Lexi and I and so many of his other

619
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:09,800
Speaker 1: friends went on with our own mundane lives. We benefited

620
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:13,640
Speaker 1: from the way Alex's weird online world liberated him and others.

621
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,840
Speaker 1: It seems to me now that so much of what

622
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:20,240
Speaker 1: Alex was doing for me, how he helped me expand

623
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:23,680
Speaker 1: the range of my voice over the years, was what

624
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:27,840
Speaker 1: these online stand communities were doing for him. I may

625
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:31,000
Speaker 1: never have joined in on the tiny chats myself, but

626
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:34,120
Speaker 1: my own world was better, more colorful because of the

627
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:37,399
Speaker 1: people he met in them. As I continue to poke

628
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:40,440
Speaker 1: around on Twitter, I decided to look again for accounts

629
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:42,720
Speaker 1: that have a similar handle to the one Alice shared

630
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:45,080
Speaker 1: in one of the tiny chat recordings Alex sent me.

631
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:48,800
Speaker 1: I had done this a few times already, but before

632
00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:51,120
Speaker 1: I never bothered to reach out to the profiles I

633
00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:54,239
Speaker 1: did find, figuring they were all copycats inspired by the

634
00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:58,279
Speaker 1: lore of Alice. This time, when I searched, there's an

635
00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:01,680
Speaker 1: account I didn't see the last time I looked, one

636
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:05,560
Speaker 1: using the same user name Alice. Once did I tell

637
00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:09,640
Speaker 1: myself that it's obviously not her, that there's no way

638
00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,920
Speaker 1: she could be hiding in plain sight, or that she

639
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,720
Speaker 1: would choose to return to Twitter during the exact window

640
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:17,600
Speaker 1: of time is my search for her. I almost don't

641
00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:22,439
Speaker 1: reach out, but then I imagine Alex's Harry ghost telling

642
00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:26,200
Speaker 1: me to submit to the fantasy. Even if it isn't her,

643
00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:30,919
Speaker 1: this person is obviously aware of Alice. So I send

644
00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:33,640
Speaker 1: a message just in case they know something. I'm not

645
00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:37,239
Speaker 1: sure i'll even get a reply, but the next day

646
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:53,520
Speaker 1: I do, and she says it's her. It's Alice. Next

647
00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:58,040
Speaker 1: time on unread, Oh gosh, I'm just I've had a

648
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:02,479
Speaker 1: stomach ache last three day straight. I can't. I can't

649
00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:05,640
Speaker 1: imagine I'm not going to respond her immediately because I

650
00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:08,040
Speaker 1: feel like this is such an online thing. I feel

651
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:11,239
Speaker 1: like I'm responding to her too quickly. It's like I'm

652
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:14,040
Speaker 1: texting with somebody who I just met on an app

653
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:16,800
Speaker 1: or something. I'm like feeling like I'm responding too quickly.

654
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:18,560
Speaker 1: I don't want to be. I'm trying to play it cool,

655
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:20,400
Speaker 1: you know. It's like you're texting Alex on Instagram like

656
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,120
Speaker 1: a friend. He is just gonna like disappear good