1 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 2 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,600 Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know 3 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,919 Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's 4 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die 5 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a 6 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah, 7 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,440 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was 8 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel 9 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. 10 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,080 Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And 11 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope 12 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 13 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:59,840 Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi, guys, 14 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: and welcome to a new Monday episode of You Need 15 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,760 Speaker 1: Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am the host, 16 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,920 Speaker 1: and I'm glad you're here. Whatever day it is that 17 00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:12,360 Speaker 1: you're listening to this. For those of you that are new, 18 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,760 Speaker 1: you might not be familiar with, but for those of 19 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,679 Speaker 1: you that are not new, you are very familiar with. 20 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,640 Speaker 1: The nice disclaimer I like to put at the top 21 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,959 Speaker 1: of each episode that basically just lets everybody know that 22 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,240 Speaker 1: although I'm a therapist and this podcast is called You 23 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,959 Speaker 1: Need Therapy, this does not serve as a replacement or 24 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 1: substitute for any actual mental health services. But I always 25 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:38,120 Speaker 1: hope that this podcast, whatever episode you're listening to, even 26 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:40,160 Speaker 1: if it's one that you initially put on you're like, 27 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:41,919 Speaker 1: I don't know that this really is going to pertain 28 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 1: to me. I always hope that you can get something 29 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:47,480 Speaker 1: from each of these episodes that can help you on 30 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,760 Speaker 1: whatever journey that you're on at whatever time you're on it, 31 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 1: and maybe it's going to be helpful for something in 32 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,920 Speaker 1: the future. You never know. So I'm doing a solo 33 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:01,800 Speaker 1: episode today, and before I get into it, I want 34 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 1: to get a little update because I am so obsessed. 35 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,840 Speaker 1: If you listened to the episode a couple weeks ago 36 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 1: where I talked about how my engagement photos were rescheduled 37 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 1: and then it rained and all this stuff happened. But 38 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:18,399 Speaker 1: then I asked myself the question, what does this make possible? 39 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: And it actually turned out better than I could have imagined. 40 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,320 Speaker 1: So I finally got my pictures back, So if you 41 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,840 Speaker 1: want to see what they look like, you can go 42 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 1: to my Instagram at cat dot defada. I mean better 43 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:35,799 Speaker 1: than anything I could have hoped for. And I want 44 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: to give a lot of credit to our photographer, Glenade Gilbert. 45 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,959 Speaker 1: She actually also texted because the pictures ended up being 46 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,880 Speaker 1: pretty different from the vibe that I originally had put 47 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 1: in my little Pinterest mood board. She sent me a 48 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 1: text and she said, I know these look a little 49 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,600 Speaker 1: different than our original idea, so if you want to 50 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,840 Speaker 1: do another mini session, let me know. And my reply was, 51 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,040 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I could not imagine anything better than this. 52 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: I'm one of those people who does not believe everything 53 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,680 Speaker 1: happens for a reason, and I think when we look 54 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,959 Speaker 1: at certain situations with the question what does this make possible? 55 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:11,680 Speaker 1: We can really open ourselves up to things bigger than 56 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: just our engagement photos. Right, We can really open ourselves 57 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,679 Speaker 1: up to things that we could not have planned or 58 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,480 Speaker 1: dreamed for, because you know, life is just so much 59 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: bigger than our brains. So if you want to look 60 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,359 Speaker 1: at those pictures, go for it. I understand some people 61 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,080 Speaker 1: do not care, but I'm obsessed with them and feel 62 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,640 Speaker 1: like I will be for a long time. So let's 63 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,000 Speaker 1: get into that actual episode content. I actually had something 64 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 1: planned different that I was going to talk about today, 65 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,840 Speaker 1: but then yesterday morning it was I think, oh, it 66 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 1: was I'm recording this on a Saturday. So it was 67 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,600 Speaker 1: Friday morning. I was about to sit down and seeing 68 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 1: breakfast and I was about to sit down to work 69 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,840 Speaker 1: on the podcast and then record it, and I started 70 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 1: watching the Kardashians at am as I was eating my breakfast, 71 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:58,680 Speaker 1: and it got me thinking. And if you're not familiar 72 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,440 Speaker 1: with the drama that is happening with this season, I'm 73 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,040 Speaker 1: gonna catch you up. But Courtney and Kim are feuding 74 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 1: because Kim did a business deal with Dulchang Gabana about 75 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:15,800 Speaker 1: four months after Courtney's wedding and Courtney got upset and 76 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 1: her wedding was basically all curated around nineties Dulchan Gobana looks, 77 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 1: and she got upset because she felt like Kim used 78 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,679 Speaker 1: her wedding as a business opportunity and copied her wedding 79 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:34,039 Speaker 1: in the show that she curated with Dulchang Gobana four 80 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 1: months after her wedding. And if you're confused, I think 81 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,800 Speaker 1: a lot of people are confused. And obviously there's a 82 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 1: lot more to it. Than what I just said, but 83 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 1: I'm not so much concerned about that feud. What I 84 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 1: found really interesting is something that Courtney said to Kim 85 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 1: in their big sit down conversation. And who knew, Like 86 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 1: sitting here laughing at myself, because who knew I was 87 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:04,120 Speaker 1: going to base an episode off of the Kardashians. I 88 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,560 Speaker 1: never would have guessed that, but here we are. But 89 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:10,000 Speaker 1: something that Courtney said really did spark something in me. 90 00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: And she asked Kim why she wanted to do the 91 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,000 Speaker 1: project that she did with Dull jencob on it, and 92 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,800 Speaker 1: Kim said something along the lines of I wanted to 93 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: challenge myself and prove that I could do something like 94 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:25,159 Speaker 1: this on my own. And Courtney kind of pressed harder 95 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 1: and said, but I want you to really think more 96 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 1: about why you constantly have this drive to do more 97 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,599 Speaker 1: and to work and to prove these things. She didn't 98 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,080 Speaker 1: say exactly that, but that's kind of what she said. 99 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,920 Speaker 1: And this is the thing that I found really interesting 100 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,159 Speaker 1: and sparked this idea. Most of us know that Kim 101 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: is known for working a lot. She had that whole 102 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: fiasco last year when she said that everybody just needs 103 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,559 Speaker 1: to work and get off their booties and work and 104 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,720 Speaker 1: dah da da da. And she also, regardless of that, 105 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: she talks about working a lot frequently and how she 106 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 1: loves to work, and that's just something that we know 107 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,679 Speaker 1: about her, which I don't think is a problem alone. 108 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,960 Speaker 1: I mean, again, I don't know them personally, so it 109 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,960 Speaker 1: could really be a problem. But loving to work and 110 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 1: working a lot standing alone is not an issue. But 111 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,160 Speaker 1: one of the things that she said was again, I 112 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,359 Speaker 1: wanted to do this to prove to myself that I 113 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 1: could do it, and I wanted to challenge myself and 114 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,760 Speaker 1: push myself when I wanted to see what I'm capable of. 115 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,240 Speaker 1: And it's one thing to work for the sake of enjoyment. 116 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:29,360 Speaker 1: Some people really love their jobs and really love to work. 117 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,680 Speaker 1: It's another thing to constantly be working, to constantly raise 118 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,039 Speaker 1: the bar for yourself and for someone like Kim Kardashian. 119 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: I find this really interesting, and there's plenty of people 120 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 1: like this, Which is why I think this is such 121 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:44,880 Speaker 1: an important concept. Is she's done so much, accomplished so much, 122 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,760 Speaker 1: She's pushed so many limits. I mean, she's made so 123 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: much money, but there is seemingly this constant effort to 124 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: continue to pursue this greatness or the next thing, and 125 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 1: then the next thing and the next thing. And I 126 00:06:56,839 --> 00:07:00,200 Speaker 1: don't have enough information to really dive into the ins 127 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:03,640 Speaker 1: and outs of her internal life per se, But I 128 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,240 Speaker 1: do think this opens up space for a conversation that 129 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:09,039 Speaker 1: I have pretty often in my head, and it comes 130 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: up a lot of times with the clients that I 131 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:15,920 Speaker 1: work with. And that conversation is about the line between 132 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: self acceptance and self improvement. And a lot of questions 133 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: come up in my mind when I think about that, 134 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,360 Speaker 1: like why do we always need to challenge ourselves? Is 135 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,600 Speaker 1: there a point where we will have improved enough? Are 136 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: we supposed to take breaks from growing? Or do we 137 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: just keep going until we die? How do I accept 138 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,040 Speaker 1: myself if I'm also at the same time trying to 139 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,680 Speaker 1: improve myself, Like it seems like those kind of contradict 140 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: and if I accept myself, am I then not going 141 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,240 Speaker 1: to reach my full potential. It's a conversation that makes 142 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: me do some mental gymnastics inside of my head. And 143 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,120 Speaker 1: I don't know what this is like in other cultures 144 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:58,840 Speaker 1: and other countries, but it seems like Americans are obsessed 145 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 1: with the idea of of personal growth and financial growth. 146 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: And this could be a biased idea, right, It might 147 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 1: be me because I'm immersed in the culture of personal 148 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: growth and self help and therapy and all that. I'm 149 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 1: immersed in it. But it seems like every five seconds, 150 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,240 Speaker 1: there is a new workshop, there's a new book, there 151 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 1: is a new strategy, there's a new challenge out there. 152 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 1: And one of the reasons I think that is is 153 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 1: because there is such a high demand for it. We're 154 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,080 Speaker 1: all grasping at that. And I don't want anybody to 155 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,199 Speaker 1: hear something I'm not saying because I love a lot 156 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: of this stuff. I think self improvement and self discovery 157 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:44,000 Speaker 1: is a crucial part of our lives. I just don't 158 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 1: know that we always have the skills to identify when 159 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 1: we're overdoing it. And maybe that's the next self help 160 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,439 Speaker 1: or self improvement is developing the skills of knowing how 161 00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:00,080 Speaker 1: to balance these two things. And the truth is, I 162 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 1: believe the truth is constantly striving to be better can 163 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,320 Speaker 1: be exhausting. It can lead to burn out and feeling 164 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: like a failure, or it can turn into this type 165 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:14,319 Speaker 1: of workoholism that isolates us and distorts our value system 166 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,360 Speaker 1: right from underneath us. And we don't know that it's 167 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,280 Speaker 1: even happening. And I was actually on vacation a couple 168 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,839 Speaker 1: weeks ago with Patrick's faily. We went to the beach 169 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: and I brought my computer with me. I don't really 170 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,679 Speaker 1: know why I did that. I brought my computer with 171 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,320 Speaker 1: me and one morning I spent about forty five minutes 172 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:35,000 Speaker 1: maybe an hour, answering some emails and doing some work 173 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 1: on our social media and some stuff I have that 174 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:43,080 Speaker 1: I'm trying to get ready for the fall. And looking back, 175 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: that hour of work could have waited. But I also 176 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:48,720 Speaker 1: told myself the story that one hour of work isn't 177 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 1: going to ruin my vacation, which it didn't, but it 178 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 1: brings up this idea of not being able to completely 179 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:58,160 Speaker 1: unplug for me because it wasn't do or die. Nothing 180 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 1: would have happened long term that have made a difference 181 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: if I didn't do that one hour of work. And 182 00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 1: I read an article last week that said research has 183 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 1: found that nearly half forty nine percent of American workers 184 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 1: work at least one hour per day on vacation, with 185 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 1: twenty four percent of those people working three or more 186 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 1: hours per day, which three hours is I mean even 187 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,000 Speaker 1: if you get up early and you're like, I'm going 188 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 1: to do it from seven to ten that's or I'm 189 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,719 Speaker 1: going to do it. I don't know, it doesn't matter 190 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 1: when you do it. Three hours is a good chunk 191 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,880 Speaker 1: of a day on vacation. And again it goes back 192 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 1: to that idea of we can't completely unplug, and I 193 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,440 Speaker 1: want to go around and ask everybody about that. I 194 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,199 Speaker 1: want to know, like, why is it that, Why are 195 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,560 Speaker 1: we connected in that way? Are these all emergencies Maybe 196 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,840 Speaker 1: some of these people don't have the ability to unplug. 197 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,920 Speaker 1: Are we overworked and if we let things pile up, 198 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: will be miserable when we go back, and thus we 199 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 1: wouldn't even want to take a vacation in the future. 200 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,720 Speaker 1: Or do we need this little hit of work to 201 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,200 Speaker 1: remind us that we're okay, because this constant working and 202 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: making money and getting deals and promotions becomes a marker 203 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:11,280 Speaker 1: of true all encompassing success and in quotes, kind of 204 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 1: doing life right now. On the other hand of the 205 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: truth that I believe so on one hand, I believe 206 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,080 Speaker 1: that the constant striving can lead us to burnout or 207 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,720 Speaker 1: this workaholism. On the other hand, another truth is that 208 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,360 Speaker 1: if all we do is accept who we are and 209 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 1: refuse to strive for more or better. We do miss 210 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: out and we can kind of create a type of 211 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: self defeating self talk. So can they co exist? Like? 212 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,920 Speaker 1: Is there a line? Can they just co exist at 213 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,559 Speaker 1: the same time continuously? Is there a world where self 214 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 1: improvement can cause us more harm than good? How are 215 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,960 Speaker 1: we supposed to love ourselves if we have a constant 216 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,679 Speaker 1: message saying you can be better? And with these questions, 217 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,560 Speaker 1: I'm going to be the first one to say I 218 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,840 Speaker 1: don't have all the answers here, and I don't actually 219 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,120 Speaker 1: know if I have any of the right answers, But 220 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,680 Speaker 1: I do have some thoughts in some ideas based on 221 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:07,720 Speaker 1: my experience and observations as a human living life and 222 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:11,720 Speaker 1: as a therapist walking through other people's lives with them. 223 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,560 Speaker 1: And I think most of us listening would probably agree 224 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:20,840 Speaker 1: that self improvement is a deeply, deeply embedded, highly regarded 225 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: trait in American culture. Again, I'm not sure about other 226 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,360 Speaker 1: cultures as much because I'm not asmsed immersed in that, 227 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:32,080 Speaker 1: but there is something very in quote American you know, 228 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,640 Speaker 1: that idea of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and 229 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:37,319 Speaker 1: continuing to dig in the dirt, building character and working 230 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,240 Speaker 1: towards a highly sought after goal at the same time, 231 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,880 Speaker 1: which I feel like me just saying that I just 232 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,440 Speaker 1: watched Holes for the first time last week, so I 233 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 1: feel like that might have that thought might have come 234 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:54,040 Speaker 1: from there, because we actually have this very popular children 235 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,840 Speaker 1: adolescent movie. I watched it as an adult about literally 236 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 1: digging holes in the dirt to build character. And in 237 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:05,240 Speaker 1: all fairness, this idea, this American idea of continued hard 238 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 1: work by itself, doesn't really seem problematic to me. It 239 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 1: actually seems great. The idea that you can always get 240 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: better feels very freeing at times. There is always space 241 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,360 Speaker 1: to be what you want to be in that regard, 242 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,120 Speaker 1: you just have to keep working and eventually you'll get there. 243 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: But the more time I sit with this in reality, 244 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:34,560 Speaker 1: the more I find two major issues with this. The 245 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:38,640 Speaker 1: first issue is one, you actually can't be whatever it 246 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 1: is that you want to be, and I kind of 247 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,000 Speaker 1: hate being the one to break this lie that was 248 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,840 Speaker 1: sold to all of us in elementary school. But limits 249 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,839 Speaker 1: do exist, and I personally believe that's okay. But if 250 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: we don't believe that limits exist, then it makes sense 251 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,280 Speaker 1: to me why settling for not the best and greatest 252 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: would be so upsetting. So that's the first issue, is 253 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 1: that this idea that we're all living with that oh, 254 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,680 Speaker 1: you can do whatever you want, you can be whatever 255 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 1: you want to be set I mean, I want people 256 00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:12,079 Speaker 1: to be able to set goals for themselves, and I 257 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:16,120 Speaker 1: don't have the ability to be a professional basketball player. 258 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,440 Speaker 1: Those are not innate skills that. I mean, I could 259 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,840 Speaker 1: be a good basketball player, but I don't know that 260 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,760 Speaker 1: that was ever going to be the path for me. 261 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: For that was just like a silly example of that. 262 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,840 Speaker 1: And then this leads me to number two. If you 263 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 1: can't always be better, then good enough never is going 264 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,720 Speaker 1: to exist in our reality, which is going to lead 265 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 1: us into this perpetual cycle of being dissatisfied with ourselves, 266 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,720 Speaker 1: with our lives, with the world. And again, this limitless 267 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 1: thinking can be super helpful at times, and we have 268 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,320 Speaker 1: to be careful because it leads us into muddy waters 269 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,520 Speaker 1: with no boundaries, and this unboundaried idea leads us to 270 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:59,800 Speaker 1: other unboundaried ideas, like being anything means that we should 271 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,360 Speaker 1: be able to be everything, which no wonder. We also 272 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,360 Speaker 1: have this issue with perfection in our world, especially in 273 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:12,080 Speaker 1: our society, which is why these things have brought me 274 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,160 Speaker 1: to this conclusion. And again I am the first to 275 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,800 Speaker 1: say that I don't have all the answers to this, 276 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,040 Speaker 1: and you are so allowed to disagree with me, but 277 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,840 Speaker 1: I have come to the conclusion that you can't have 278 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:27,600 Speaker 1: self improvement without self acceptance, and you can't have true 279 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:32,760 Speaker 1: self acceptance without the desire for self improvement, at least 280 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,000 Speaker 1: not in a healthy way. Again, this is another one 281 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,600 Speaker 1: of those things. Just like the question does the answer, 282 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,200 Speaker 1: it makes my brain do these kind of crazy twists 283 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,600 Speaker 1: and turns like mental gymnastics to really understand that, because 284 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,360 Speaker 1: the first thought is like, huh, that doesn't make sense. 285 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 1: If I accept myself for who I am, then why 286 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,680 Speaker 1: would I want to improve? Well, if I am kicking 287 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 1: self improvement out of the way and I grab on 288 00:15:56,640 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 1: to just simply self acceptance, what happens often and is 289 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 1: this lasadaisical almost surrendered to our potential that moves us 290 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,920 Speaker 1: into the state of not trying and not even being 291 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 1: our true selves. It can feel like giving up rather 292 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,440 Speaker 1: than knowing our limitations, and the effort that we put 293 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,080 Speaker 1: into things starts to wane, and we become almost like 294 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 1: slices of ourselves versus the whole thing and the picture 295 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 1: that I have in my mind. It reminds me of 296 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: like ere this kind of mopey. Eh, it is what 297 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,120 Speaker 1: it is, I am who I am, but there's a 298 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 1: lack of actual truth with you being okay with that, 299 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:38,000 Speaker 1: so it's not really acceptance. It feels more like throwing 300 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,560 Speaker 1: my hands up in the air. And on the flip side, 301 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,560 Speaker 1: if we refuse to accept our limitations and who we 302 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:48,640 Speaker 1: actually are in our limits, then nothing is ever good 303 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,360 Speaker 1: enough and we end up in this again perpetual cycle 304 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,440 Speaker 1: of self loathing. Perfection ends up being the goal, and 305 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,280 Speaker 1: good or good enough is like a badge of failure, 306 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 1: like I don't want that standing alone. Self improvement is 307 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:08,240 Speaker 1: often a more socially acceptable disguise for actually self rejection, 308 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,479 Speaker 1: and when you don't mix it with this acceptance of 309 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,720 Speaker 1: who I truly am, it can turn into this to me, 310 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,240 Speaker 1: this race to kind of get rid of or hide 311 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,480 Speaker 1: or erase the parts of you that you don't like 312 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,840 Speaker 1: and that you don't want to accept, and then a 313 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:27,280 Speaker 1: race to fill up and replace those spots with something 314 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,359 Speaker 1: that you think would make you look better or something 315 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: that you would think is going to make you feel better. 316 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: So if I'm saying we can't kick one to the curb, 317 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:38,080 Speaker 1: what can we do in order to balance both and 318 00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:41,480 Speaker 1: hold both of them true at the same time. I've 319 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:45,280 Speaker 1: come up with four very small, very simple things that 320 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,400 Speaker 1: I want to challenge people to invite into their lives, 321 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 1: And so we can almost stand in this kind of 322 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,800 Speaker 1: continuum of both of them. We can hold both of 323 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,200 Speaker 1: them at the same time, and one is not going 324 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,719 Speaker 1: to completely overtake the other and lead us into one 325 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,400 Speaker 1: of these destructive states. So the first thing I would 326 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,480 Speaker 1: say is we need to really identify our values. When 327 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 1: we have identified values, we can pull ourselves back into truth. 328 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 1: But if we don't know what our values are, we 329 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:15,160 Speaker 1: can easily be convinced to engage and believe things that 330 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: don't actually fit for us, but we can contort ourselves 331 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,080 Speaker 1: into making them fit. But then we also are going 332 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,320 Speaker 1: to at the same time have this feeling of like, oh, 333 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,679 Speaker 1: something's not right, or I still don't feel whole, or 334 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,480 Speaker 1: why do I still want more? It's because are we're 335 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,000 Speaker 1: living in a value system that actually isn't ours. So 336 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:37,520 Speaker 1: identify our values. What is important to you, what matters 337 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:41,880 Speaker 1: the most to you. Identify your idea of success outside 338 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,360 Speaker 1: of what your group of friends thinks, maybe what your 339 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:50,199 Speaker 1: religion thinks, maybe what capitalism thinks. Like, identify what is 340 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:54,320 Speaker 1: it that feels successful to you. And we have to 341 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:59,879 Speaker 1: separate that from what we want people to think about us, right, 342 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,480 Speaker 1: because somebody can think we're successful all day long. We 343 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,440 Speaker 1: don't feel other people's feelings. So we have to live 344 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,159 Speaker 1: in line with our value system. And then the second 345 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 1: thing I would say is we need to identify our value. 346 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 1: So identify your values and then identify your value. If 347 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,520 Speaker 1: all of our value comes from, for example, success at work, 348 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,720 Speaker 1: that might actually not line up with our value system, 349 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 1: like what our values actually are. Maybe relationships or family 350 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,200 Speaker 1: is the most important. But I get all my value 351 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,960 Speaker 1: from being successful at work. Well, then I'm going to 352 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,919 Speaker 1: be putting all this energy into raising the bar at work, 353 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,760 Speaker 1: but I'm not actually going to feel good about that 354 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,719 Speaker 1: at the end of the day because I'm not getting 355 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,320 Speaker 1: what I actually desire. Right, I'm getting success at work 356 00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:52,400 Speaker 1: because that pumps me up and it makes me feel 357 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,359 Speaker 1: like I'm good enough, and da da da, and people 358 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,199 Speaker 1: compliment me, and I can post on social media that 359 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,920 Speaker 1: I got this raise, or I got this promotion, or 360 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,080 Speaker 1: I got this title, I want award. But when it 361 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,800 Speaker 1: comes down to it, what you're really longing for is 362 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 1: relations at home, but you are not ever at home, 363 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,560 Speaker 1: so you don't get to engage in those. So you're 364 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,399 Speaker 1: pushing the bar somewhere and you keep pushing it, pushing it, 365 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 1: pushing it, pushing it, hoping that you're going to get 366 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 1: that feeling one day, but you're never going to get 367 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,719 Speaker 1: that feeling at work. If you're looking for a feeling 368 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,439 Speaker 1: that happens at home, I hope that makes sense. It 369 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,960 Speaker 1: really makes sense in my brain. And then so number three, identify, 370 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:31,240 Speaker 1: own and reassess our limitations. Often we have to leave 371 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:35,680 Speaker 1: space for reality in our pursuit of growth. So limitations, 372 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,680 Speaker 1: like what are they? Now? Identify them and then own them. 373 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:42,040 Speaker 1: And know that owning limitations doesn't mean that you are 374 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:46,320 Speaker 1: less than because being a human means you have limitations, 375 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,439 Speaker 1: and we all have different ones. And then I want 376 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 1: you to reassess them often because what might be a 377 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,960 Speaker 1: limitation in one part of your life or in one 378 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:58,960 Speaker 1: chapter of your life, might not be a limitation somewhere 379 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: else so I want there to be a constant reassessment 380 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,760 Speaker 1: of does this still feel true to me? If not, 381 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,639 Speaker 1: I'm going to shift that. And then the fourth and 382 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:10,000 Speaker 1: final thing is draw boundaries. Probably the hardest thing too, 383 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:13,680 Speaker 1: draw boundaries. It's okay to say no to things that 384 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 1: a part of us want to do, but another part 385 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,600 Speaker 1: of us doesn't want to do. I mean, we are 386 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,640 Speaker 1: always in those kind of situations right. Oftentimes I want 387 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,280 Speaker 1: to say yes to everything because there's all these different 388 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,880 Speaker 1: parts that want to be satisfied. But again it comes 389 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,199 Speaker 1: back to where do I find my value and what 390 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,600 Speaker 1: are my values? I need to make sure there's space 391 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,160 Speaker 1: for me to say yes to those things, so I'm 392 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 1: not continuously saying yes to things that actually aren't going 393 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 1: to fuel me. And then I'm going to be in 394 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,919 Speaker 1: this constant hamster wheel of trying to do more and 395 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,280 Speaker 1: more and more and more, and I'm never going to 396 00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:49,080 Speaker 1: get that feeling of Okay, I feel fulfilled. So again 397 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 1: I'm going to repeat those four things really quickly. Identify 398 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:57,639 Speaker 1: your values, identify your value, identify own and reassess our limitations, 399 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:01,480 Speaker 1: and do it often. And draw boundaries. So if you're 400 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,199 Speaker 1: one of those people that kind of sits for that 401 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,200 Speaker 1: same question, and maybe it's a question you've been sitting 402 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,520 Speaker 1: with but you don't even have the words to put 403 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,280 Speaker 1: to it. It was more of a feeling of how 404 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,359 Speaker 1: do I push myself and how do I grow? And 405 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: how do I allow myself to go after things that 406 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,159 Speaker 1: I want and be the person I want to be, 407 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,879 Speaker 1: but also accept the person that I am. Hopefully this 408 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,920 Speaker 1: sparked some things, and hopefully those four little tips can 409 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:30,399 Speaker 1: help you realign with the mental gymnastics you maybe have 410 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:34,200 Speaker 1: been doing in your head as well. So I want 411 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:38,639 Speaker 1: to say thank you to Courtney and Kif Kardashian for 412 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,920 Speaker 1: being the motivation for today's episode. I'm sure they're listening. 413 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,440 Speaker 1: And anybody out there who felt anything or got anything 414 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,159 Speaker 1: out of this, or has any questions about anything I've 415 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 1: said or anything I've ever said, know that you guys 416 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:55,919 Speaker 1: can always email me Catherine at nied Therapy podcast dot com. 417 00:22:56,280 --> 00:23:00,359 Speaker 1: I always put out a episode on Wednesday where I 418 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,520 Speaker 1: answer questions that you guys send to me, so feel 419 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,200 Speaker 1: free to send any question that you have. I keep 420 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:06,959 Speaker 1: them anonymous so you don't have to worry about your 421 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:11,960 Speaker 1: personal information being spread through the airwaves of podcasts, but 422 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 1: you can email me there anytime. You can follow me 423 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,679 Speaker 1: caat dot Defata on Instagram. You can follow the podcast 424 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:22,000 Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast on Instagram. You can also 425 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:26,959 Speaker 1: follow my therapy practice at Three Chords Therapy as well. 426 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,600 Speaker 1: And if you are somebody who lives in Tennessee and 427 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 1: this podcast or maybe just something else in the world 428 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,280 Speaker 1: has encouraged you to seek therapy or find a new therapist, 429 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,280 Speaker 1: I have three wonderful therapists that work at three Chords 430 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:45,440 Speaker 1: that I trust obviously because they wouldn't be there if 431 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:49,440 Speaker 1: I didn't. And we can serve anybody in the state 432 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,639 Speaker 1: of Tennessee telehealth and in person. So if that is 433 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,000 Speaker 1: something that interests you, you can go to three Chords 434 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:57,199 Speaker 1: Therapy dot com. You can look at all of our 435 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,960 Speaker 1: different profiles and see what fits the best for you 436 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,160 Speaker 1: and reach out and hopefully we can set you up 437 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,359 Speaker 1: to start whatever journey you're looking to start with that. 438 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,720 Speaker 1: So I hope you guys are having the day that 439 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,560 Speaker 1: you need to have today and I will be back 440 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,040 Speaker 1: with you on Wednesday for couch Talks