Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. We look at all kinds of relationships,
Speaker 1: love ships, family ships, sibling ships, and sometime the ship
Speaker 1: sales and at other times it sinks. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Today we're taking a closer look at
Speaker 1: what I call double dipping. A double dipping where you
Speaker 1: go into a relationship, you leave the relationship, and then
Speaker 1: for some strange reason, you go back. Now, there's nothing
Speaker 1: wrong with double dipping. If it doesn't work the first
Speaker 1: time and healing and changes, awareness is unfold and you
Speaker 1: go back and you do it again, well that's a
Speaker 1: good thing. But if nothing changes, and it's just your
Speaker 1: attachment or attraction to the person that makes you want
Speaker 1: to dip your toe in that river again, well you
Speaker 1: might have a problem. We're gonna talk about that today,
Speaker 1: you know, because if you keep doing the same thing,
Speaker 1: you're gonna keep getting the same results. But very often
Speaker 1: we double dip because it's familiar. We'll go in and
Speaker 1: out of a relationship, will double dip because it's comfortable.
Speaker 1: I know you're ugly, you know my ugly. I know
Speaker 1: your needs, you know my needs. I know how you fight,
Speaker 1: You know how I fight, so I don't really have
Speaker 1: to stretch and grow. But here's the piece, and this
Speaker 1: is the piece I want to focus on today. As
Speaker 1: I've said many many times, people come into our life
Speaker 1: for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Now, if
Speaker 1: you're double dipping in a seasonal relationship, meaning that person
Speaker 1: just came into your life for a specific season, maybe
Speaker 1: to lift you up, maybe to hold you up, maybe
Speaker 1: to move you forward, whatever the season. When that season
Speaker 1: is over, I don't care what you do. That relationship
Speaker 1: is not gonna work. This season is over. The universal
Speaker 1: purpose has been fulfilled. Then there are reasonal relationships that
Speaker 1: means the person came into your life for a reason,
Speaker 1: or you came into their life for a reason. There's
Speaker 1: something you have to learn, there's something you have to heal,
Speaker 1: there's something you have to grow within yourself. And if
Speaker 1: you don't get that learning, that healing, if you don't
Speaker 1: do that growing, the relationship may fall apart and then
Speaker 1: come back together so that you can learn healing, grow.
Speaker 1: That is very often the cause for double dipping. Maybe
Speaker 1: now you're ready, or the other person's ready. Maybe now
Speaker 1: you are willing or the other person is willing, or
Speaker 1: maybe it's just your time. There are many the reasons
Speaker 1: people double dip, and we're gonna talk about that today
Speaker 1: right here on the art spot. So my first caller
Speaker 1: is a double dipper, uh, repetitive double dipper. Let's see
Speaker 1: what's going on here. Welcome to the art spot. How
Speaker 1: may I serve support, assist you today? What is the challenge? Issue? Problem?
Speaker 1: Maybe victory that's you're facing? Good morning. I have been
Speaker 1: in a relationship for three years, on and off. We
Speaker 1: connected because I am I'm an artist, I sing, I write.
Speaker 1: He's an artist as well, and that's what keeps me
Speaker 1: drawn to him. Um, that that deep connection and love
Speaker 1: for music. However, when when as good as good, but
Speaker 1: he tends to disappear, and Tom goes by and I
Speaker 1: try to heal from his absence, and then he reappears,
Speaker 1: and this has been a cycle. It's hard to let go.
Speaker 1: But I'm really hurt by the cycle. Tell me what
Speaker 1: you mean by he disappears? What does that mean he
Speaker 1: will ghost me? Um, stop communicating with me and won't
Speaker 1: respond to my outreaching. Wow. Yeah, now I'm old, So
Speaker 1: forgive me when you say ghost because the ghost that
Speaker 1: I know, float around with sheets on their heads. What
Speaker 1: does that mean? He ghosts you literally disappears as if, um,
Speaker 1: he was never there, and silence he gets silence, I
Speaker 1: guess stone walls me and piece of communication. How long
Speaker 1: does that usually last? That disconnection? How long does it last?
Speaker 1: It can be weeks, months, most recently it was actually
Speaker 1: a year and a half. So tell me what that
Speaker 1: looks like. He comes over Tuesday, he's there, and then
Speaker 1: he goes and you just don't hear anything. Yes, for um,
Speaker 1: in the beginning, we were living together, Uh, he was
Speaker 1: in my space. So I would literally come home and
Speaker 1: everything will be gone. And what do you do? You
Speaker 1: come home and your partner and all of his belongings
Speaker 1: are gone. Walk me through that process? What do you do?
Speaker 1: I'm shocked? Um, initially I was really really shocked. But
Speaker 1: when it became a pattern, I'm I'm like, oh, he's
Speaker 1: running again. I go through the motions of you know,
Speaker 1: crying and journaling and writing my songs and trying to
Speaker 1: release and hell, and then I tell myself, I see him, Um,
Speaker 1: this is his pattern, this is what he does, and
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna let him in again. And he'll he'll
Speaker 1: come and bring flowers and roses and I'm sorry, and
Speaker 1: because there's love there, I forgive, and the psycho continues love,
Speaker 1: where is the love? Who's loving who? That was a song, right,
Speaker 1: And I wonder who's loving who? When he leaves, who's
Speaker 1: loving who? I'm loving him still, Um, I'm holding on
Speaker 1: to the love that I have for him, hoping that
Speaker 1: it will heal okay. And then when he comes back
Speaker 1: with flowers and roses, who's loving who? I see it
Speaker 1: as his way of showing his love in his way,
Speaker 1: And I'm still here loving him completely and holy in
Speaker 1: my way. So you're a cheap date. You can be
Speaker 1: bought for some flowers and some roses. That is exactly
Speaker 1: how I end up seeing it, And it just it
Speaker 1: really does make me feel small. It does, it does
Speaker 1: it should? Now what is the conversation about the experience?
Speaker 1: So once he brings the flowers and the roses and
Speaker 1: you'll make mad, passionate make up love, then what is
Speaker 1: the conversation that you have about where he was and
Speaker 1: where he's been. That's not a conversation that we have. Um.
Speaker 1: I know, I know I deserve it, and I desire it,
Speaker 1: and I I look at it as if he doesn't
Speaker 1: have the words, he's not emotionally mature enough to articulate
Speaker 1: why he has done what he's done. But the fact
Speaker 1: that he's here says that now he's going to try
Speaker 1: and do it the right way this time. Are you
Speaker 1: sitting down? Yes, ma'am? I am. Are you Do you
Speaker 1: have a tissue or roller toilet paper near you? I
Speaker 1: probably need several rolls of toilet paper, yeah, because you
Speaker 1: got some to clean up. Absolutely, I know it. Let
Speaker 1: me ask you this, my beloved, what is your intention
Speaker 1: for calling me today? You know I I literally told
Speaker 1: one of my friends. I know from the inside out
Speaker 1: what I what, it looks like, what I need, what
Speaker 1: I deserve. But I need to hear an elder speak
Speaker 1: into me and wake me up. I know what I
Speaker 1: would say to a friend, but I need to hear
Speaker 1: it from someone else. So clutch your pearls. But more
Speaker 1: than clutch your pearls, I want you to take your
Speaker 1: left hand and put it right on your belly, right
Speaker 1: over your navel, because I want to speak into your
Speaker 1: power center. I want these words to take root in
Speaker 1: the center of your being so that they will grow
Speaker 1: and blossom. M I want to share with you what
Speaker 1: I've heard you say. I want you to take it in.
Speaker 1: I want you to hear it in your belly. If
Speaker 1: we're lucky, your vomit m and if we're not, then
Speaker 1: we know that those seeds are simply germinating and they'll
Speaker 1: grow later on. You sound young to me. You sound beautiful.
Speaker 1: You sound sweet and almost naive. You sound like a
Speaker 1: fatherless daughter. To me, I could be very wrong. You
Speaker 1: also sound dumb as hell, but I know that's not
Speaker 1: the truth about you. So I want to speak to
Speaker 1: that sweet, beautiful, talented, gifted, powerful young woman perhaps who
Speaker 1: was healing a wound of being daddy less. I heard
Speaker 1: you say that you have been and in a three
Speaker 1: year on an off relationship with another artist who you
Speaker 1: allowed to worship in your temple, meaning live in your
Speaker 1: space and be intimate with your body temple, who, without
Speaker 1: reason or explanation, makes the choice at various intervals and
Speaker 1: time to disconnect from you without explanation or justification, causing
Speaker 1: you a great deal of emotional pain, conflict, and turmoil
Speaker 1: that you process within yourself, with yourself and maybe with
Speaker 1: a sister friend or two, trying to understand why you
Speaker 1: have allowed yourself to be dishonored, disrespected again, Why you
Speaker 1: don't matter enough to you to have clear boundaries and
Speaker 1: to stop allowing yourself to be abused, violated, betrayed, and abandoned.
Speaker 1: That's what makes me think it's a daddy pattern. I
Speaker 1: could be wrong. And once you get yourself either on
Speaker 1: equal footing or the part of you that knows he's
Speaker 1: wrong for you, the part of you that knows he's
Speaker 1: gonna hurt you, the part of you that thinks you
Speaker 1: have to prove yourself worthy of love, the part of
Speaker 1: you that thinks you're unimportant, the part of you that
Speaker 1: believes that you cannot have what you want, that part
Speaker 1: of you that still wants him, lets him back in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And why you don't have enough respect for yourself to
Speaker 1: have a conversation with this individual, Set clear boundaries with
Speaker 1: this individual, create concert quences for the violation of those boundaries,
Speaker 1: and then execute the consequences when necessary. That you dishonored, disrespect, abandoned, neglect,
Speaker 1: and abuse yourself enough to allow this to occur over
Speaker 1: and over and over. So please don't talk to me
Speaker 1: about him. This is not about him. You are it tag,
Speaker 1: You're it it is you. So take a breath and
Speaker 1: go back in there and share with me what you
Speaker 1: heard me say about you. We'll be right back. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the our spot. We are going to continue
Speaker 1: our conversation about double dipping. What is it that lets
Speaker 1: you dishonored, disrespect, abuse, violate, betray and abandon yourself? Repeatedly? Mhm?
Speaker 1: What is it? Well? You mentioned that it sounds as
Speaker 1: if there are daddy issues. Um, maybe slightly, not so much.
Speaker 1: It's more self esteem, I believe, and for some reason
Speaker 1: feeling as if I should extend more grace and love
Speaker 1: and forgiveness to others, even though I know that I
Speaker 1: need to and I am worthy of honor and respect.
Speaker 1: Where did you learn that? Where did you learn that
Speaker 1: you have to expect stand more grace and forgiveness and
Speaker 1: whatever whatever to others than to yourself? Where did you
Speaker 1: learn that? I believe that's my Christian roots and the
Speaker 1: way that that religious mindset and the the indoctrination of
Speaker 1: forgiveness has has been rooted in me. It's one thing
Speaker 1: to extend forgiveness off for forgiveness. It's another thing to
Speaker 1: experience it. Because when you experience forgiveness, you don't stick
Speaker 1: stick your foot back in the same bowl again, you
Speaker 1: do it differently. And so the sharp edges of religious
Speaker 1: and doctrination sometimes cut us two pieces. Yes, And when
Speaker 1: I say sharp edges, I mean the things that were
Speaker 1: given to do, the things that were told with no
Speaker 1: real explanation or understanding. So I'm to understand that your
Speaker 1: father was in the house, and I understanding that correctly.
Speaker 1: He wasn't there. He wasn't um. But there is a
Speaker 1: relationship there. There's always been a relationship, but it's just
Speaker 1: been long distance. Yeah, long distance. Just like your boyfriend.
Speaker 1: He goes and comes, you see him sometimes. Hello, Ah,
Speaker 1: so learned behavior. M What else did you hear me
Speaker 1: say about you that there are some now you to say,
Speaker 1: I completely agree. I've said that about myself as well.
Speaker 1: Did you hear me say how you have betrayed yourself?
Speaker 1: Did you hear me say how you are actively dishonoring
Speaker 1: and disrespecting yourself. Did you hear me say how you
Speaker 1: are actively abusing yourself? Yeah? So this lovely being has
Speaker 1: come into your life to show you what it is
Speaker 1: you are willing to do to yourself has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with him. Nothing you are it. It is you,
Speaker 1: ye showing you what you do to yourself beloved. And
Speaker 1: it's a pattern, it's a pathology. This is double dipping,
Speaker 1: going back and forth, back and forth, recreating the relationship
Speaker 1: with your father, and you call it love. That's not love.
Speaker 1: That's happened. Mm hmm. Now when he leaves, you're loving him.
Speaker 1: You're loving him for leaving you. You're loving him for
Speaker 1: betraying your trust. You're loving him for violating your confidence. No,
Speaker 1: I I just love him because I I do, and
Speaker 1: I feel I should. I love grits. I don't eat
Speaker 1: him every day. I love grits, the more butter, the better,
Speaker 1: But I don't eat him every day. Yeah, I want
Speaker 1: you to hear this. Clearly, you have re created your
Speaker 1: pattern with your father, and your work is about healing
Speaker 1: that pattern, about healing that pattern so that you can
Speaker 1: create a relationship with a man who will duro, which
Speaker 1: means stay put, stay put. This doesn't mean your father
Speaker 1: is a bad person, doesn't mean he did anything wrong.
Speaker 1: I don't know what the circumstances are. I don't need
Speaker 1: to know the story. What I need to know, what
Speaker 1: what I need you to understand and recognize is that
Speaker 1: you developed a pattern of being in loving relationship. You see,
Speaker 1: you couldn't stop loving your daddy because he didn't leave you.
Speaker 1: He probably left your mother in the process. You developed
Speaker 1: a long distance relationship with him, and that's what you're
Speaker 1: doing with this man. You're developing the same kind of
Speaker 1: relationship because that's your pathology, that's what you know and understand.
Speaker 1: But you can have a man that stays put. And
Speaker 1: you don't have to stop loving this man. You don't
Speaker 1: have to stop loving him. You just get to choose
Speaker 1: how you're going to be in relationship with him. He
Speaker 1: can come back with a bushel of fly hours and
Speaker 1: six goats and a and a jaguar. He can't get
Speaker 1: in your bed no more. And you have to make
Speaker 1: that decision because when daddy was gone for two weeks,
Speaker 1: three weeks, a month, or whatever it was, when he
Speaker 1: came back, he was still your daddy. That boy ain't
Speaker 1: your daddy. He don't get that privilege to come and
Speaker 1: go like he want. And then you loving the man
Speaker 1: who's emotionally immature and don't have words. Florence Nightingale, what
Speaker 1: you're trying to do heal him, fix him, because a
Speaker 1: little girl wants to feel in hell her daddy, so
Speaker 1: he'll be around more double dipping, double dipping because you
Speaker 1: haven't gotten a lesson someone to ask you. Are you
Speaker 1: willing to love yourself enough to say no to something
Speaker 1: that hurts you? I desire to, I want to and
Speaker 1: I need to. Well, you have to, you have to
Speaker 1: choose it. Yeah, So let me ask you this one
Speaker 1: last question. What are you going to do differently when
Speaker 1: he does attempt to contact me. I'm not going to respond,
Speaker 1: and I will I will reach out to my father.
Speaker 1: That's what I'll do. Okay, Let's let me coach you
Speaker 1: on that for a minute, because you just set up
Speaker 1: some against us. I'm not going to respond. Yes, you
Speaker 1: are going to respond. You're going to respond differently and
Speaker 1: in a way that supports you. When he reaches out again,
Speaker 1: you're going to choose to let it go and you're
Speaker 1: going to reach out to your father to support the
Speaker 1: little girl in you and taking the next most appropriate
Speaker 1: steps towards her healing. This ain't about Freddie. It's you, Boom.
Speaker 1: You are it. It is you, So don't say you're
Speaker 1: not going to respond. You are going to respond. You're
Speaker 1: gonna make a powerful choice to love, honor, and support
Speaker 1: yourself and your healing. Does that make sense? It does?
Speaker 1: That's that's better. Okay, Okay, alright, my love, good luck
Speaker 1: to you. Give me a calling about six months if
Speaker 1: you've heard from him and let me know how you're doing. Okay,
Speaker 1: I shall thank you. Amen, Amen, and a woman. Okay,
Speaker 1: my darling. Okay, thank you so much. Bye, Thank you
Speaker 1: for calling, and continue to listen to the art spot.
Speaker 1: My caller's case is where a lifetime relationship created a
Speaker 1: pattern of belief and expectation in the consciousness that she
Speaker 1: continued to live out in her adult relationships. The call
Speaker 1: also spoke to a reasonabal relationship Freddie was in her
Speaker 1: life for a reason, which was to point out to
Speaker 1: her to bring to her awareness the pattern that she
Speaker 1: had developed, the expectation she held about love and being loved.
Speaker 1: And so very often we don't slow down long enough
Speaker 1: to get in touch with our feelings, to really examine
Speaker 1: what we're doing. And like she said, she's been taught
Speaker 1: that it's more important to give grace and forgiveness and
Speaker 1: understanding to other people than it is to give that
Speaker 1: to yourself. But I have a different philosophy. It is you.
Speaker 1: You are it. It's all about you in your life
Speaker 1: and whether you're double dipping or you know, bed hopping
Speaker 1: or moaning and complaining about not having nowhere to hop
Speaker 1: or nowhere to dip, it's all about you, beautiful, beautiful
Speaker 1: call if you can see or identify yourself in that,
Speaker 1: do the work. Are you ready? Are you willing? Are
Speaker 1: you choose yourself over the pattern? Double dipping? It always
Speaker 1: has some interesting twist to it. And I've got another
Speaker 1: caller who probably has another twist when we come back.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the our spot, and we're welcoming my
Speaker 1: second caller for today, a conversation that I think many
Speaker 1: of you will really gain a lot from. Let's listen,
Speaker 1: Thank you, and welcome to the our Spot where we
Speaker 1: talk about all things relationships. So what is the challenge, issue, problem,
Speaker 1: dilemma that we're gonna talk about today, Well, thank you
Speaker 1: and listening to you y'all, Thank you for having me on. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean just double dipping, you know, going back into
Speaker 1: a relationship I did. That was my last relationship and
Speaker 1: the only thing I got out of part of it
Speaker 1: was a broken heart. And um, you know I now
Speaker 1: I'm of the opinion that when it comes to romantic relationships,
Speaker 1: second chances don't work. Like if you broke up, if
Speaker 1: you broke up the first time, it was for a reason.
Speaker 1: And you know it's um because I mean there were
Speaker 1: there were signs and stuff. But but my thing is,
Speaker 1: my question now is how do I maintain a healthy,
Speaker 1: open heart space. And you know, my heart is not
Speaker 1: to be played with basically, but um, but I still
Speaker 1: want to love and I'm still you know it. This
Speaker 1: is my first, um, you know relationship. I was thirty six,
Speaker 1: and you know, and I did a lot of work
Speaker 1: on myself and then that that person came in. But
Speaker 1: then you know, and you worked well until it didn't work.
Speaker 1: I love the statement it worked well until it didn't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what was well about it? What was well about the
Speaker 1: relationship that you double dipped in? What was well? You
Speaker 1: know from the start, we just flowed. I I thought
Speaker 1: they were my twin flame because because it was just
Speaker 1: we we never argued. It was an easy relationship. It
Speaker 1: was just great talk. It was my best friend. What
Speaker 1: were the agreements that you all made to each other?
Speaker 1: I mean, did you agree to be monogamous? But since
Speaker 1: everything flowed, there was never really, you know, any need
Speaker 1: almost for something you know, for for but of course
Speaker 1: there's always need for boundaries like you know. But yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: you sound a little like it was lucy goosey as
Speaker 1: long as you said it worked, it worked well until
Speaker 1: it didn't. But it worked well because it wasn't working
Speaker 1: with anything, right, What were the expectation, what were the agreements,
Speaker 1: what were the commitments? You see, when it's lucy goosey,
Speaker 1: chances are the gander is laying eggs somewhere else, and
Speaker 1: when I'm hearing here is a lot of lucy goosiness.
Speaker 1: It was a strong bond, and that's what do you say.
Speaker 1: It couldn't have been a strong bond if you didn't
Speaker 1: have many agreements, commitments, boundaries or expectations. Stop telling yourself that,
Speaker 1: go to the mirror and slap the first person that
Speaker 1: shows up. Stop it. You are telling the story that
Speaker 1: makes this thing palpable. Yeah, tell me what happened? How
Speaker 1: did it end? Tell me what happened? Well? Is it
Speaker 1: July of the year the pandemic, and we hadn't seen
Speaker 1: each other, and then all of a sudden over the phone,
Speaker 1: it was like this, I don't think I want to
Speaker 1: be in this relationship, you know, and we haven't seen
Speaker 1: each other, and I told him, I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: well let's not make hars decisions. Let's let's wait six months,
Speaker 1: you know. And UM they were kind of like, you know,
Speaker 1: adamant and so so we we broke up in July,
Speaker 1: and then in November I get this like four page letter,
Speaker 1: you know, apologize me, prefers profusely and saying like they
Speaker 1: love me, they want to you know, and they kind
Speaker 1: of please give them a second chance. And I said,
Speaker 1: you know, okay, I'll give you a second chance. And
Speaker 1: then by May we went on our first trip to
Speaker 1: um the Florida Keys, and UM I had a big blackout.
Speaker 1: We were, you know, drinking, and that's one thing that
Speaker 1: you know, just to speak clear. One thing that wonderful
Speaker 1: that happened from the breakup was that I realized, um,
Speaker 1: I had a problem with drinking and I have been, yes,
Speaker 1: but I've been fourteen months sober. Um as we broke up,
Speaker 1: he gave me that gift, a parting gift of sobriety.
Speaker 1: And they ended up walking out and leaving me, you know,
Speaker 1: in the middle of our vacation. Wow, you are on
Speaker 1: a vacation and in the vacation he walked out, and
Speaker 1: what did you do? They leave and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: can't trust to be with someone who won't be there
Speaker 1: in the morning, you know, won't be there taking What
Speaker 1: about you? What about if the trust that was broken
Speaker 1: was between you and you that you can't trust yourself
Speaker 1: to make the right decisions. He made the decision to
Speaker 1: take him back, right, What if you can't trust yourself
Speaker 1: to make the right decision, that's what will close your heart? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that. Yes, for me, relationships, whatever kind of relationship, friendship, loveship,
Speaker 1: family ship, relationships are the play pass that we go
Speaker 1: two grow to learn to heal. So you said you
Speaker 1: own your part. So let me ask you this, What
Speaker 1: did you learn about yourself in that relationship? What did
Speaker 1: you learn about yourself? Yeah? Well, I learned that I
Speaker 1: could love someone, that I could be intimate with someone,
Speaker 1: because you know, before that it was just one night then.
Speaker 1: So that's I think a big, big thing. It's like,
Speaker 1: I know that I'm capable of love and being loved
Speaker 1: because it was you know good, well it lasted and um,
Speaker 1: it was good when you were under the influence yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's one thing with with sobriety, and you know,
Speaker 1: being in a top step program, it's like I have
Speaker 1: a much better relationship with myself and with a higher power.
Speaker 1: Are you open to this possibility? In my relationship with
Speaker 1: Boo Boo, what I learned about myself is that I
Speaker 1: had a drinking problem. Are you open to that? What
Speaker 1: I learned in my relationship with Boo Boo is that
Speaker 1: I can love when I'm under the influence, that I
Speaker 1: can be intimate when I'm under the influence. Did you
Speaker 1: learn that? Because that's definitely a prerequisites for a bunch
Speaker 1: of one night stands, good, excellent? You learned that that
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with him. That's you. And when
Speaker 1: you double dipped, when you went back into it, you
Speaker 1: were looking to be loved, you were looking to be
Speaker 1: intimate under the influence. But then came the big growing spurt.
Speaker 1: What did you? How did you grow in that relationship
Speaker 1: with Boo Boo? It's real simple. I stopped drinking. I
Speaker 1: grew in my sobriety, and that a good thing. It's
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing. Okay, I grew in my sobriety. So
Speaker 1: the way I grew in my relationship with Boo Boo
Speaker 1: was I grew in my sobriety by not drinking to
Speaker 1: stop numbing myself. Because what that says to me is
Speaker 1: that somewhere in your history or childhood, your early days,
Speaker 1: that loving hurt. Maybe you love people who left you
Speaker 1: or abused you, or violated you or betrayed you. Loving hurt.
Speaker 1: So in order for me to love and be intimate,
Speaker 1: I've got to be under the influence of something, because
Speaker 1: obviously I'm not making the right choices and decisions. Right.
Speaker 1: Does that Does that fit? Yes? So I'm not numbing
Speaker 1: myself anymore. Yes, you you heal that need to to
Speaker 1: numb yourself in order to be loved, because now you
Speaker 1: have sober friends who love you just because they people.
Speaker 1: They're wonderful people. I don't have to be numb to
Speaker 1: receive of Yeah. So you learn something, you heal something,
Speaker 1: and your grew in a way simply by double dipping
Speaker 1: in this relationship with Boo Boo. It wasn't meant to
Speaker 1: be forever. It was meant for your learning, your growing,
Speaker 1: and your healing, which means that there was a reason
Speaker 1: for the relationship because he was supporting you and numbing yourself.
Speaker 1: He was supporting you and not creating clear boundaries. He
Speaker 1: was supporting you and being in relationships that had no
Speaker 1: agreements and no commitments and no spoken expectations. M M.
Speaker 1: He was supporting you and making poor decisions that would
Speaker 1: reinforce the fact that you can't trust yourself. He was
Speaker 1: supporting you, and him leaving woke you the hell up. No,
Speaker 1: I would never have gotten sober without that double right,
Speaker 1: look at that. Bless him, thank him, and let his
Speaker 1: ask go. Just remember this, who you are today does
Speaker 1: not want him the sober you on step number nine.
Speaker 1: He ain't the one. Yeah. I know that you did
Speaker 1: make the right decision because someplace in your soul you
Speaker 1: were ready to heal, and he was the tool that
Speaker 1: God used to push you into sobriety. Hallelujah. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: if you ever see him again, tell him I said,
Speaker 1: thank you. Listen, give me give me a call in
Speaker 1: about three months, let me know how you're doing. Okay.
Speaker 1: You should be on step twelve by then, give me
Speaker 1: a call. I want to know how you're doing okay.
Speaker 1: All right, Thank you so much. I am thank you,
Speaker 1: and please continue listening to the our spot. I will
Speaker 1: listen to you okay, bye bye. A reason, a season
Speaker 1: or a life time that was a reasonal relationship. There
Speaker 1: were some things that she needed to see, some things
Speaker 1: she needed to learn, some things she needed to grow through.
Speaker 1: But the interesting part for me is how we in
Speaker 1: the midst of our growing and our healing. I think
Speaker 1: that we've got it figured out. And I always say
Speaker 1: that self diagnosis is misdiagnosis. Self diagnosis is misdiagnosis because
Speaker 1: if we knew what to do, we would have done it.
Speaker 1: We have to be willing to walk through these hills
Speaker 1: and valleys to get to the depth of our soul
Speaker 1: and the healing that is required. And one of the powerful,
Speaker 1: powerful purposes of a relationship is to drop us on
Speaker 1: our head, face first in the valley of healing. We
Speaker 1: hate it, we hate it, but life in the universe,
Speaker 1: God Source Creator is so wonderful that it takes us
Speaker 1: right into the very place that we need to be. Now,
Speaker 1: we don't know why we're going in there, but we do.
Speaker 1: You know, double dipping can work. There are people who
Speaker 1: have separated and come apart. I have a very dear
Speaker 1: friend who had a lover in high school or or
Speaker 1: a boyfriend in high school. They both separated with their
Speaker 1: separate way and married, had children. Thirty five years later
Speaker 1: came back together. That was twenty five years ago. They
Speaker 1: are still together. My Mama Si and Baba Sherman. They
Speaker 1: are still together. So double dipping can work, but it
Speaker 1: also serves a deeper purpose. Here's the key. If you're
Speaker 1: double dipping and you keep getting the same response, you
Speaker 1: have missed the point. But if you're double dipping and
Speaker 1: that second dip or that third dip or that fourth
Speaker 1: dip creates a massive change in your life, in your consciousness,
Speaker 1: in your speaking, you're seeing your living. Then you've learned something,
Speaker 1: You've grown something, you've healed something, which is what makes
Speaker 1: double dipping purposeful. May not be fun, but it's purposeful.
Speaker 1: I hope you've heard something today that you can use
Speaker 1: in your life. I want to thank my guests for
Speaker 1: their courage and sharing their story. I can hardly wait
Speaker 1: to hear the good that's gonna come out of the
Speaker 1: challenges they faced. And if you've got a challenge, issue, dilemma, problems,
Speaker 1: situation with your lover, your sister, your brother, I want
Speaker 1: to hear from you right here on the art spots
Speaker 1: so be sure to listen for our call outs. In
Speaker 1: the meantime, Stay in peace, not pieces, and I'll see
Speaker 1: you next week. The R Spot is a production of
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.