WEBVTT - Visiting My Dad in Prison

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<v Speaker 1>What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back to the Cheese and Chill Podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>I hope that you guys are having an amazing day,

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<v Speaker 1>an amazing week. I had a great weekend. Actually, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>very happy. I feel very good. I haven't felt this

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<v Speaker 1>good in a while. A lot has happened in the

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<v Speaker 1>past couple of months, but I feel good, So I'm happy.

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<v Speaker 1>I am a little nervous about this episode though. This

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<v Speaker 1>is something I've been wanting to talk about for a

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<v Speaker 1>while and I wanted to share with you guys. So

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<v Speaker 1>here we go. Okay, So I'm going to talk about

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<v Speaker 1>my dad, my biological father, in this episode. I wanted

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<v Speaker 1>to share it because I truly believe that this can

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<v Speaker 1>heal many people. I truly believe in the power of forgiveness.

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<v Speaker 1>I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's

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<v Speaker 1>something that I stand by, and I have decided that

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<v Speaker 1>I want to go visit my dad in jail. Let

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<v Speaker 1>me give you guys a bit of a backstory. If

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<v Speaker 1>you guys are new to the podcast, if you guys

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<v Speaker 1>haven't read my books, you don't know too much about

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<v Speaker 1>my personal life. But the reason my dad's in prison,

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<v Speaker 1>it's not even jealous in prison because he got thirty

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<v Speaker 1>one years no chance of parole, and the reason he's

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<v Speaker 1>in jail or in prison is because he sexually molested

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<v Speaker 1>me when I was eight years old. It was from that,

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<v Speaker 1>I remember, from eight to twelve, and he was on

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<v Speaker 1>the run for ten years, and in two thousand and

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<v Speaker 1>seven they caught him, actually in two thousand and six.

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<v Speaker 1>Then we went to court. We were on trial for

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<v Speaker 1>a whole year, and he was sentenced. I believe he

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<v Speaker 1>was found out of nine counts. I believe from I

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<v Speaker 1>think eight out of nine counts or nine out of nine.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't remember exactly, but I just remember that entire

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<v Speaker 1>year of having to go to court and talk about

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<v Speaker 1>everything that happened in front of my mom, in front

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<v Speaker 1>of my uncles, in front of my grandparents, in front

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<v Speaker 1>of my then fiance because I was also engaged a

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<v Speaker 1>long time ago. But anyways, it was a lot, you guys,

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<v Speaker 1>It was very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad

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<v Speaker 1>in ten years because he, you know, was on the

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<v Speaker 1>run since I was twelve years old, So having to

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<v Speaker 1>relive all of that was very hard. And then also

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to testify. I didn't want to testify

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<v Speaker 1>because I have another sister, his daughter, and she's I

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<v Speaker 1>want to say, around twenty five or something like that.

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<v Speaker 1>She's my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or younger I

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<v Speaker 1>don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter, he had

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<v Speaker 1>a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god,

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<v Speaker 1>like he's okay, like he I don't want to disrupt

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<v Speaker 1>his life. But then my mom made me understand that

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<v Speaker 1>it's something I had to do, that justice had to

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<v Speaker 1>be served, you guys, and that's like something it's out

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<v Speaker 1>of my hands, you know. And she said, through you

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<v Speaker 1>telling your story, you're going to be able to help others.

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<v Speaker 1>So then my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to go on there because it was hard.

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<v Speaker 1>I was on especially cross examination you guys is fucking

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<v Speaker 1>horrible because you're telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened.

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<v Speaker 1>But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you,

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<v Speaker 1>and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was

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<v Speaker 1>on the stand, I had to like just get off.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's when I told my mom was like, outside

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<v Speaker 1>of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's

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<v Speaker 1>been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no,

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<v Speaker 1>there's a reason why he got caught. So she made

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<v Speaker 1>me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing.

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<v Speaker 1>Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I

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<v Speaker 1>was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera,

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<v Speaker 1>and so I was just like, how how am I

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<v Speaker 1>going to talk about all this because it was a very,

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<v Speaker 1>very very public trial. So I was just embarrassed. It

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<v Speaker 1>was so many different things. But regardless, I don't regret

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<v Speaker 1>going through it because now I can talk about things

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<v Speaker 1>like this. So anyways, that's just a little bit of

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<v Speaker 1>the backstory, a whole lot of the backstory. But that's

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<v Speaker 1>what happened. And now I feel ready to go visit him.

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<v Speaker 1>And I submitted my application and he I've talked to

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<v Speaker 1>him a couple times on the phone. My sister Jackie

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<v Speaker 1>has a little bit more communication with him. And I

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<v Speaker 1>know a lot of people have opinions about this topic,

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<v Speaker 1>and I know that a lot of people have attacked

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<v Speaker 1>my sister Jackie, and it hurts my feelings because that's

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<v Speaker 1>my sister. I love her, and she has all the

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<v Speaker 1>right to have a relationship with her dad. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>think it ever happened to her. I did my best

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<v Speaker 1>to protect my sister Jackie from it happening to her.

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<v Speaker 1>She doesn't remember anything, because for a long time I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, why does she talk to him? Why does

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<v Speaker 1>she want to have a relationship with him? He did

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<v Speaker 1>this to me again. I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel better. Thank goodness for therapy and for my faith,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. But now I'm like, who am I to

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<v Speaker 1>take away my sister or keep that from her, or

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<v Speaker 1>take that from her, her having a relationship, If that's her,

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<v Speaker 1>that's her prerogative. That's what she wants to do, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm okay with it now, you know. So I just

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<v Speaker 1>feel like everyone should kind of just in that aspect,

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<v Speaker 1>kind of just mind their own business and leave her alone.

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<v Speaker 1>There's no thing wrong with her talking to my dad.

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<v Speaker 1>And I know a lot of people are gonna attack me.

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<v Speaker 1>Why are you going to go visit your dad? Your

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<v Speaker 1>mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell

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<v Speaker 1>you guys right now, I know my mother. I know

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<v Speaker 1>my mother. I lived with her twenty six years of

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<v Speaker 1>my life, and I know my mom had a very

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<v Speaker 1>forgiving heart, and even though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny

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<v Speaker 1>and Jenica's dad hurt her when he was still alive,

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<v Speaker 1>my mom was at his bedside when he was passing,

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<v Speaker 1>and then when he passed. My mom is a very

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<v Speaker 1>forgiving woman. I know my mom would have said, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>if that's what you want to do, she would respect me,

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<v Speaker 1>and she would probably even go with me. You guys,

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<v Speaker 1>I really really feel it, But not only that. I

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<v Speaker 1>am my own person. This happened to me, and if

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<v Speaker 1>I'm okay with forgiving this person, why can't you guys

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<v Speaker 1>be okay with it. I'm not saying everyone, because there

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<v Speaker 1>are people that have said I can't believe she forgave

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<v Speaker 1>him and this and that. I've seen a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>little things here and there, but I don't care. I

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<v Speaker 1>feel that this is part of my healing, of closing

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<v Speaker 1>that circle, of closing that chapter of my life completely,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm ready. When he reached out after my mom passed,

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<v Speaker 1>I was upset again. I was in a very bad place.

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<v Speaker 1>I was going through a lot then and I was

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<v Speaker 1>very upset when he reached out, and I was like, well,

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<v Speaker 1>why now? Now that my mom's not here, he wants

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<v Speaker 1>to talk to us. Now, he wants to have a relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>I was very defensive. But then when my sister spoke

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<v Speaker 1>to him and she related the message to me, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>because I was very vocal about me being upset, she said, no,

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<v Speaker 1>I get it, sister, But he just says he felt

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<v Speaker 1>very bad, like these kids are alone in this world.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm in jail, their mom passed away, like he felt

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<v Speaker 1>like he needed to reach out. So then I was like, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I was a little bit better about the situation. I

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<v Speaker 1>still wasn't completely open, like I am now to go

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<v Speaker 1>visit him. I know, and I hear from my sister

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<v Speaker 1>that he's a reborn Christian, that he's like I think

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<v Speaker 1>a pastor or does like Bible studies in there, and

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<v Speaker 1>he's just he's a barber. He's really it's done a

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<v Speaker 1>lot while being in prison. And I want to think

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<v Speaker 1>that he's going to ask me for forgiveness because he never

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<v Speaker 1>has and he's never really admitted to doing it. From

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<v Speaker 1>what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him. The

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<v Speaker 1>times that I have talked to him on the phone,

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<v Speaker 1>it was when I was getting married he just said, hey,

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<v Speaker 1>I just want to say, can I pray for you

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<v Speaker 1>before you know you walk to the altar? And I

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<v Speaker 1>said yeah and I let him, and then another time

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<v Speaker 1>just to say hello. So I've never said, hey, dad,

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<v Speaker 1>now do you know ask me for forgiveness or I

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<v Speaker 1>want to hear you. I feel like that's a conversation

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<v Speaker 1>that needs to be had in person, which is why

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to take the step. So thank goodness for

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<v Speaker 1>my partner, Emilio. He also is going to go with me.

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<v Speaker 1>And the last time I was at of prison was

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<v Speaker 1>freaking years ago. You guys, I want to say, like

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<v Speaker 1>eight years ago. I haven't been to a prison in years.

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<v Speaker 1>And the only reason I went the first time to

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<v Speaker 1>go visit someone was because I was a witness at

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<v Speaker 1>a wedding in prison. One of my friends, a boss

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<v Speaker 1>B actually was getting married to someone and she wanted

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<v Speaker 1>me to be her witness, so I went and I

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<v Speaker 1>was there supporting her, and I don't know, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know what I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and

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<v Speaker 1>I both were accepted to go and visit him. I

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<v Speaker 1>know he's more open about it. And the crazy thing

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<v Speaker 1>is is I feel bad because his mom just passed.

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<v Speaker 1>Both his parents have passed while he's been in there,

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<v Speaker 1>and I don't know, I want to think that he's

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<v Speaker 1>learned a lot. From what I hear, he has learned

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<v Speaker 1>a lot. Again, Like his faith is like at the

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<v Speaker 1>best it's ever been, at the highest, And I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>gonna lie. I have thought about putting in a petition

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<v Speaker 1>to help him come out sooner, because he has a daughter,

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<v Speaker 1>he has a wife. From what I hear, his wife

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<v Speaker 1>has been by his side, and I think that's fucking admirable.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know, I just I feel bad, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>But I know that that I can't necessarily do that

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<v Speaker 1>yet I still have to take this step in and

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<v Speaker 1>seeing him in person and see if he really does

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<v Speaker 1>admit to what he did and and apologizes. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>that's all I really need. I don't need to get

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<v Speaker 1>into details. I don't know, I mean, And if this

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<v Speaker 1>visit doesn't go that way, I think that I would

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<v Speaker 1>I just would close that door and not worry about

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<v Speaker 1>it anymore, you know what I mean, Like I'd just

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<v Speaker 1>be like, well, if sister, if you still want to

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<v Speaker 1>have a relationship with him, I'm okay with it. But

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<v Speaker 1>if he doesn't tell me what I need to hear,

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<v Speaker 1>then there's no reason to continue or to go visit

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<v Speaker 1>him again, you know. And I don't know if I'm

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<v Speaker 1>wrong for that, but that's just I'm not gonna wait

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<v Speaker 1>my time or waste his, you know. I want to

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<v Speaker 1>think that maybe he's ready now more than ever that

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<v Speaker 1>his parents are in heaven, because maybe it's something he

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<v Speaker 1>didn't want to admit to out loud because he doesn't

0:10:15.440 --> 0:10:18.760
<v Speaker 1>want to hurt his family. Obviously, his family thinks that

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<v Speaker 1>it didn't happen. They think that my mom put this

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<v Speaker 1>in my head, that my mom made me say it,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's absolutely false. I remember everything that happened. Unfortunately,

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<v Speaker 1>I remember details, so no one put this in my head,

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<v Speaker 1>especially not my mom. If anything, I I'm so grateful

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<v Speaker 1>that she believed me. She never questioned me. But I

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<v Speaker 1>respect his decisions and I don't I feel worried. I

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<v Speaker 1>feel worried for him because I know when this whole

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<v Speaker 1>thing happened, you know, especially in the beginning, like in jail,

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<v Speaker 1>people do things, they freaking beat them up, child abusers,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. So I know that he went through that,

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<v Speaker 1>and it hurts me, like it's not I don't want

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<v Speaker 1>to cause him any more pain, you know what I mean, Like,

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<v Speaker 1>I really don't like and that's why I'm kind of scared.

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<v Speaker 1>I was afraid to talk about this because I'm like, shit,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to like open this can of worms

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<v Speaker 1>for him, like if he's already finding his peace in there,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, because I forgave him, you know, and I

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<v Speaker 1>just want people to also forgive him. And just it's

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<v Speaker 1>no one else's like business. I guess it's it's your

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<v Speaker 1>business because I'm telling you guys, but I'm just saying,

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<v Speaker 1>like no one should say what I should and shouldn't do.

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<v Speaker 1>And you guys or the people that are kind of like,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god, like if that or Cheeky's is wrong,

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<v Speaker 1>Like I guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes,

0:11:46.360 --> 0:11:47.959
<v Speaker 1>but at the end of the day, it's like I

0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:50.840
<v Speaker 1>just don't want to hurt him or his family any

0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:52.840
<v Speaker 1>more than they've already gone through, you know, because we

0:11:52.880 --> 0:11:57.640
<v Speaker 1>all suffered. My family. His family he has suffered so

0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:00.280
<v Speaker 1>much because you know, he lost both his parents while

0:12:00.280 --> 0:12:02.360
<v Speaker 1>being in there. I mean, I can't even imagine, you know,

0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:04.280
<v Speaker 1>like not being able to give him a hug and

0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:05.839
<v Speaker 1>I guess I can because I wasn't able to give

0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:07.280
<v Speaker 1>my mama hug for like two months, so I guess

0:12:07.320 --> 0:12:08.880
<v Speaker 1>I get it. So it just maybe that's why it

0:12:08.960 --> 0:12:11.440
<v Speaker 1>hurts me so much. But I just wanted to share

0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:13.640
<v Speaker 1>this because I think it's so important, you guys. The

0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:19.280
<v Speaker 1>power of forgiveness is so important and liberating for ourselves.

0:12:19.320 --> 0:12:21.560
<v Speaker 1>It's a gift that we give ourselves not to hold

0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:26.040
<v Speaker 1>onto things like that, hold on to any resentment, and

0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:30.440
<v Speaker 1>it helps us. It helps us fly and conquer and

0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:33.360
<v Speaker 1>accomplish what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to

0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:35.160
<v Speaker 1>just let go of the baggage. And I tell you

0:12:35.240 --> 0:12:39.080
<v Speaker 1>guys this all the time, and I just felt that

0:12:39.240 --> 0:12:41.560
<v Speaker 1>I wanted to express this and for you guys to

0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:44.040
<v Speaker 1>help me pray because I don't know when I'm going

0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:46.720
<v Speaker 1>to go visit him, but when it happens, now that

0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:49.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm accepted, I just want you guys to send me

0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:53.079
<v Speaker 1>good wishes and your prayers that everything goes well and

0:12:53.360 --> 0:12:55.400
<v Speaker 1>may God's will be done when it comes to that.

0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:57.319
<v Speaker 1>I saw a picture of him the other day and

0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.880
<v Speaker 1>my sister took a screenshot because now in jail, you

0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:01.960
<v Speaker 1>have like a way of face timing and the whole thing.

0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:04.960
<v Speaker 1>It's crazy. He even has like a phone number. It's

0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:06.880
<v Speaker 1>like the craziest thing. I haven't used it yet, but

0:13:06.920 --> 0:13:09.360
<v Speaker 1>my sister sent me a screenshop when they were on

0:13:09.640 --> 0:13:12.200
<v Speaker 1>a phone call. And it's crazy how much I look

0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:16.319
<v Speaker 1>like him. It's freaking weird, especially because in my mind

0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:19.439
<v Speaker 1>for so long, I was like, I don't have a dad.

0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:20.880
<v Speaker 1>I don't have a dad, I don't have parents, Like

0:13:20.960 --> 0:13:22.440
<v Speaker 1>my mom's not here, I don't have a dad. Like,

0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:24.680
<v Speaker 1>but on my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with,

0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:27.080
<v Speaker 1>oh shit, I do have a dad. He is alive.

0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:30.880
<v Speaker 1>He's here. Like it's the craziest thing. Like we all

0:13:31.160 --> 0:13:33.079
<v Speaker 1>my siblings and I kind of had all of that,

0:13:33.160 --> 0:13:36.000
<v Speaker 1>had that in common where it's like, okay, we don't

0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:39.480
<v Speaker 1>have parents physically and that's kind of like, it's just

0:13:39.520 --> 0:13:41.160
<v Speaker 1>this weird thing. I don't know. And then to see

0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:44.800
<v Speaker 1>his gray hair and his gray beard, it's just it's

0:13:44.840 --> 0:13:47.440
<v Speaker 1>so crazy because I remember him with black, black, dark

0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:50.720
<v Speaker 1>hair and he was young and hip and he's aged

0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:53.120
<v Speaker 1>and it's just I don't know. It's the craziest fucking

0:13:53.120 --> 0:13:56.680
<v Speaker 1>feeling ever. I don't know. It makes me emotional because

0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:57.719
<v Speaker 1>I'm just like, I don't know what the hell is

0:13:57.800 --> 0:13:59.520
<v Speaker 1>gonna happen. I don't know what I'm feel but I

0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:01.800
<v Speaker 1>know it's something I have the face, and I'm all

0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:05.320
<v Speaker 1>about facing your fears. So this is something that kind

0:14:05.320 --> 0:14:08.720
<v Speaker 1>of makes me nervous. It's nerve wracking, but I know

0:14:08.760 --> 0:14:11.840
<v Speaker 1>it's going to be really good for me, for me

0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:14.280
<v Speaker 1>to move forward, to become a parent, to get married,

0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:19.160
<v Speaker 1>to just really just really close that chapter of my life.

0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:27.600
<v Speaker 1>I don't know what's going to happen after that visit.

0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:32.040
<v Speaker 1>I have really no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown.

0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:35.360
<v Speaker 1>I'm taking a leap of faith here and now that

0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:38.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm thinking about having kids, I mean, if all goes

0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:44.040
<v Speaker 1>well in that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay. I

0:14:44.120 --> 0:14:46.760
<v Speaker 1>don't even know. I honestly don't even know. Like I'm

0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:48.880
<v Speaker 1>like I was about to say, if I do have kids,

0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:52.080
<v Speaker 1>would I be okay with my daughter or my son

0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:57.520
<v Speaker 1>meeting him? I don't know. Damn, that's a good question.

0:14:57.640 --> 0:15:00.600
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I guess it all just appet It all

0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:04.520
<v Speaker 1>just depends how I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive.

0:15:04.960 --> 0:15:08.000
<v Speaker 1>I feel people's vibes and I just I all would

0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:12.280
<v Speaker 1>have to see. I know that my niece, Jayla, the

0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:15.400
<v Speaker 1>oldest one, wants to meet him, and Jackie asked me,

0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:17.120
<v Speaker 1>how do you feel about that? And I said, I'm

0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:19.440
<v Speaker 1>totally fine with that if you're okay with it. So

0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:24.840
<v Speaker 1>I think she's gonna meet him soon. But yeah, I mean,

0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:26.880
<v Speaker 1>I guess it's something. I guess we'll have to cross

0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:29.680
<v Speaker 1>that bridge when we get there. You know. As far

0:15:29.680 --> 0:15:34.200
<v Speaker 1>as my kid's meeting him, I don't know. He's in

0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:37.600
<v Speaker 1>his late fifties now and he's been in there for

0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:42.080
<v Speaker 1>seventeen years, and if I'm calculating correctly, he won't be

0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:47.920
<v Speaker 1>out until twenty thirty eight. It's a fucking long time.

0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:50.560
<v Speaker 1>And I don't know if I'm crazy, but I just

0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:56.560
<v Speaker 1>feel like, Okay, if he already like repented, maybe you know,

0:15:56.760 --> 0:15:59.040
<v Speaker 1>like he can get out. And I don't know, like

0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:02.960
<v Speaker 1>I just feel I feel like our justice system sometimes

0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:05.000
<v Speaker 1>is like kind of twisted, and I feel like they

0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:09.520
<v Speaker 1>gave him more time because it was such a public trial.

0:16:10.560 --> 0:16:12.440
<v Speaker 1>I mean, who am I to say, right, But I've

0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:14.320
<v Speaker 1>seen and I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys,

0:16:14.360 --> 0:16:15.720
<v Speaker 1>and I watch a lot of stuff people that have

0:16:15.880 --> 0:16:19.600
<v Speaker 1>murdered people get seven years and this and that or

0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:21.640
<v Speaker 1>and I'm just like I get it, like I don't know.

0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:24.320
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I don't know. I know it sounds weird

0:16:24.400 --> 0:16:26.440
<v Speaker 1>because it happened to me, and yes, it was very

0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:29.680
<v Speaker 1>traumatizing and affected me in many many ways. I don't

0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:31.520
<v Speaker 1>know if it's because I'm healed or what it is,

0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:33.400
<v Speaker 1>but I just feel like it's a little unfair. I

0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:36.160
<v Speaker 1>feel bad, and I don't know what that means. And

0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:39.120
<v Speaker 1>I know people are probably gonna think I'm freaking crazy,

0:16:40.320 --> 0:16:41.880
<v Speaker 1>or maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me.

0:16:42.360 --> 0:16:45.720
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. I don't know, but I've always said this,

0:16:45.840 --> 0:16:49.600
<v Speaker 1>like he wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that

0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:53.560
<v Speaker 1>fucking sounds, he wasn't like he actually like when we

0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:56.280
<v Speaker 1>would get in trouble, he sit us down and talk

0:16:56.400 --> 0:16:58.720
<v Speaker 1>to us like he wasn't one to like kick our butt.

0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:01.720
<v Speaker 1>You know. It was just when night came, he was

0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.639
<v Speaker 1>a different person. Not saying and I'm not condoning it

0:17:04.720 --> 0:17:07.480
<v Speaker 1>or excusing what he did, because it's not it's absolutely

0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:10.520
<v Speaker 1>one hundred percent not right. But it's the weirdest thing

0:17:10.600 --> 0:17:13.320
<v Speaker 1>because he was a good dad. It's it's so fucking

0:17:13.359 --> 0:17:16.240
<v Speaker 1>twisted it's I don't know. You know. For for a

0:17:16.280 --> 0:17:19.600
<v Speaker 1>long time, I was fine with not seeing him. I

0:17:19.640 --> 0:17:21.440
<v Speaker 1>was I was okay with it. I was like kind

0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:24.159
<v Speaker 1>of like, Okay, we don't have our mom, Johnny and

0:17:24.240 --> 0:17:26.560
<v Speaker 1>Janaa don't have their dad, you know. I was kind

0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:28.680
<v Speaker 1>of like, this is what it is, this is our life.

0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:32.040
<v Speaker 1>But then as my sister, I would ask her, Hey,

0:17:32.040 --> 0:17:34.600
<v Speaker 1>have you talked a dad? Have you gone to visit him?

0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:36.520
<v Speaker 1>She's like yeah, and she would tell me stories and

0:17:36.560 --> 0:17:39.240
<v Speaker 1>the things that they talk about, and she's like, he's

0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:42.359
<v Speaker 1>so gentle, like the way he like, he's different, Like

0:17:42.800 --> 0:17:44.760
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. She's like, I don't remember the way

0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:47.520
<v Speaker 1>he was before, but from what I hear and what

0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:51.200
<v Speaker 1>I've heard about him, he's different. And it just kind

0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:54.320
<v Speaker 1>of intrigued me, and it made me a little curious

0:17:54.359 --> 0:17:57.000
<v Speaker 1>as to like, okay, well, ask him. I told her

0:17:57.440 --> 0:18:00.600
<v Speaker 1>to ask him if he'd be okay with me, just

0:18:00.640 --> 0:18:05.080
<v Speaker 1>to see what he said. And he said yes, that

0:18:05.200 --> 0:18:08.800
<v Speaker 1>he would be very nervous to see me, but that yes,

0:18:08.840 --> 0:18:10.760
<v Speaker 1>if I'm open to it, then he would be as well.

0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:13.399
<v Speaker 1>So that's kind of how it happened. And then I

0:18:13.480 --> 0:18:15.600
<v Speaker 1>just sat on it for a while, and I was

0:18:15.680 --> 0:18:19.560
<v Speaker 1>kind of like on the fence about it, and then

0:18:19.680 --> 0:18:25.640
<v Speaker 1>little by little reading books and reading stories about other

0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:28.320
<v Speaker 1>people that have gone through what I've gone through through

0:18:28.359 --> 0:18:31.680
<v Speaker 1>sexual abuse and how they when they confronted their abuser,

0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:35.479
<v Speaker 1>how liberating it was, and how healing it was. So

0:18:35.720 --> 0:18:37.640
<v Speaker 1>here I am feeling I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay,

0:18:37.680 --> 0:18:41.879
<v Speaker 1>imagine if I face this and I stop ignoring it,

0:18:43.200 --> 0:18:45.800
<v Speaker 1>what it can do in my life, especially if I

0:18:45.800 --> 0:18:47.440
<v Speaker 1>want to have kids, you know, and I want to

0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:51.200
<v Speaker 1>become a mother, Like I I want to be able

0:18:51.240 --> 0:18:55.119
<v Speaker 1>to tell my child, hey, I did this. It's like

0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:58.159
<v Speaker 1>something that's brewing within me. That's just like I have

0:18:58.240 --> 0:19:00.760
<v Speaker 1>to just let it out sort of thing, you know.

0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:02.520
<v Speaker 1>I have to go visit him. I have to go

0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:05.320
<v Speaker 1>visit him and see where he's at mentally, and we'll

0:19:05.359 --> 0:19:07.440
<v Speaker 1>go from there. But I did feel the need to

0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:10.760
<v Speaker 1>share this with you guys and express these things, because again,

0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:13.120
<v Speaker 1>this is my podcast, is where I feel safe, and

0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:18.040
<v Speaker 1>I love having these one on one conversations just me

0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:21.919
<v Speaker 1>the micing you guys. You know. But yeah, I know,

0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:23.920
<v Speaker 1>I know it's gonna be a little weird for people,

0:19:24.160 --> 0:19:29.440
<v Speaker 1>but I do feel ninety five percent healed from this,

0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:32.760
<v Speaker 1>and this five percent that's missing is just having this

0:19:32.800 --> 0:19:36.040
<v Speaker 1>conversation with him and seeing where he is, where his

0:19:36.080 --> 0:19:41.119
<v Speaker 1>headspace is, where his heart is, and we'll see. All right. Well,

0:19:41.359 --> 0:19:45.560
<v Speaker 1>this was a heavy one, but like always, I thank

0:19:45.560 --> 0:19:48.399
<v Speaker 1>you guys for listening, for tuning in to Cheese and Chill.

0:19:49.480 --> 0:19:52.080
<v Speaker 1>I am very grateful to have this space. I'm grateful

0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:54.520
<v Speaker 1>for you guys, each and every single one of you. Guys,

0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:58.200
<v Speaker 1>Tell your friends about the podcast. Okay, spread the word,

0:19:58.320 --> 0:20:01.440
<v Speaker 1>spread the love, spread the wisdom. I love you guys

0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:03.240
<v Speaker 1>so much, and I will catch you here on the

0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:08.000
<v Speaker 1>next episode of Cheeky's and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all Right, Okay, bessos.

0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:16.440
<v Speaker 1>This is a production of iHeartRadio and Mike Pura podcast Network.

0:20:16.560 --> 0:20:20.480
<v Speaker 1>Follow us on Instagram at Mike Putura Podcasts and follow

0:20:20.520 --> 0:20:23.960
<v Speaker 1>me Cheeky's That's c h I q U y s.

0:20:24.480 --> 0:20:28.840
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