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Speaker 1: What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back to the Cheese and Chill Podcast.

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Speaker 1: I hope that you guys are having an amazing day,

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Speaker 1: an amazing week. I had a great weekend. Actually, I'm

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Speaker 1: very happy. I feel very good. I haven't felt this

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Speaker 1: good in a while. A lot has happened in the

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Speaker 1: past couple of months, but I feel good, So I'm happy.

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Speaker 1: I am a little nervous about this episode though. This

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Speaker 1: is something I've been wanting to talk about for a

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Speaker 1: while and I wanted to share with you guys. So

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Speaker 1: here we go. Okay, So I'm going to talk about

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Speaker 1: my dad, my biological father, in this episode. I wanted

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Speaker 1: to share it because I truly believe that this can

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Speaker 1: heal many people. I truly believe in the power of forgiveness.

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Speaker 1: I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's

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Speaker 1: something that I stand by, and I have decided that

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Speaker 1: I want to go visit my dad in jail. Let

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Speaker 1: me give you guys a bit of a backstory. If

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Speaker 1: you guys are new to the podcast, if you guys

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Speaker 1: haven't read my books, you don't know too much about

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Speaker 1: my personal life. But the reason my dad's in prison,

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Speaker 1: it's not even jealous in prison because he got thirty

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Speaker 1: one years no chance of parole, and the reason he's

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Speaker 1: in jail or in prison is because he sexually molested

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Speaker 1: me when I was eight years old. It was from that,

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Speaker 1: I remember, from eight to twelve, and he was on

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Speaker 1: the run for ten years, and in two thousand and

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Speaker 1: seven they caught him, actually in two thousand and six.

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Speaker 1: Then we went to court. We were on trial for

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Speaker 1: a whole year, and he was sentenced. I believe he

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Speaker 1: was found out of nine counts. I believe from I

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Speaker 1: think eight out of nine counts or nine out of nine.

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Speaker 1: I don't remember exactly, but I just remember that entire

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Speaker 1: year of having to go to court and talk about

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Speaker 1: everything that happened in front of my mom, in front

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Speaker 1: of my uncles, in front of my grandparents, in front

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Speaker 1: of my then fiance because I was also engaged a

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Speaker 1: long time ago. But anyways, it was a lot, you guys,

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Speaker 1: It was very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad

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Speaker 1: in ten years because he, you know, was on the

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Speaker 1: run since I was twelve years old, So having to

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Speaker 1: relive all of that was very hard. And then also

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to testify. I didn't want to testify

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Speaker 1: because I have another sister, his daughter, and she's I

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Speaker 1: want to say, around twenty five or something like that.

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Speaker 1: She's my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or younger I

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Speaker 1: don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter, he had

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Speaker 1: a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: like he's okay, like he I don't want to disrupt

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Speaker 1: his life. But then my mom made me understand that

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Speaker 1: it's something I had to do, that justice had to

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Speaker 1: be served, you guys, and that's like something it's out

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Speaker 1: of my hands, you know. And she said, through you

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Speaker 1: telling your story, you're going to be able to help others.

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Speaker 1: So then my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go on there because it was hard.

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Speaker 1: I was on especially cross examination you guys is fucking

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Speaker 1: horrible because you're telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened.

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Speaker 1: But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you,

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Speaker 1: and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was

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Speaker 1: on the stand, I had to like just get off.

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Speaker 1: And that's when I told my mom was like, outside

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Speaker 1: of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's

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Speaker 1: been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no,

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Speaker 1: there's a reason why he got caught. So she made

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Speaker 1: me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing.

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Speaker 1: Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I

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Speaker 1: was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera,

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Speaker 1: and so I was just like, how how am I

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Speaker 1: going to talk about all this because it was a very,

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Speaker 1: very very public trial. So I was just embarrassed. It

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Speaker 1: was so many different things. But regardless, I don't regret

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Speaker 1: going through it because now I can talk about things

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Speaker 1: like this. So anyways, that's just a little bit of

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Speaker 1: the backstory, a whole lot of the backstory. But that's

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Speaker 1: what happened. And now I feel ready to go visit him.

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Speaker 1: And I submitted my application and he I've talked to

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Speaker 1: him a couple times on the phone. My sister Jackie

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Speaker 1: has a little bit more communication with him. And I

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Speaker 1: know a lot of people have opinions about this topic,

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Speaker 1: and I know that a lot of people have attacked

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Speaker 1: my sister Jackie, and it hurts my feelings because that's

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Speaker 1: my sister. I love her, and she has all the

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Speaker 1: right to have a relationship with her dad. I don't

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Speaker 1: think it ever happened to her. I did my best

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Speaker 1: to protect my sister Jackie from it happening to her.

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Speaker 1: She doesn't remember anything, because for a long time I

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Speaker 1: was like, why does she talk to him? Why does

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Speaker 1: she want to have a relationship with him? He did

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Speaker 1: this to me again. I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now,

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Speaker 1: I feel better. Thank goodness for therapy and for my faith,

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Speaker 1: you know. But now I'm like, who am I to

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Speaker 1: take away my sister or keep that from her, or

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Speaker 1: take that from her, her having a relationship, If that's her,

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Speaker 1: that's her prerogative. That's what she wants to do, and

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Speaker 1: I'm okay with it now, you know. So I just

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Speaker 1: feel like everyone should kind of just in that aspect,

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Speaker 1: kind of just mind their own business and leave her alone.

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Speaker 1: There's no thing wrong with her talking to my dad.

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Speaker 1: And I know a lot of people are gonna attack me.

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Speaker 1: Why are you going to go visit your dad? Your

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Speaker 1: mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell

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Speaker 1: you guys right now, I know my mother. I know

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Speaker 1: my mother. I lived with her twenty six years of

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Speaker 1: my life, and I know my mom had a very

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Speaker 1: forgiving heart, and even though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny

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Speaker 1: and Jenica's dad hurt her when he was still alive,

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Speaker 1: my mom was at his bedside when he was passing,

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Speaker 1: and then when he passed. My mom is a very

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Speaker 1: forgiving woman. I know my mom would have said, Okay,

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Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do, she would respect me,

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Speaker 1: and she would probably even go with me. You guys,

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Speaker 1: I really really feel it, But not only that. I

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Speaker 1: am my own person. This happened to me, and if

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Speaker 1: I'm okay with forgiving this person, why can't you guys

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Speaker 1: be okay with it. I'm not saying everyone, because there

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Speaker 1: are people that have said I can't believe she forgave

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Speaker 1: him and this and that. I've seen a lot of

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Speaker 1: little things here and there, but I don't care. I

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Speaker 1: feel that this is part of my healing, of closing

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Speaker 1: that circle, of closing that chapter of my life completely,

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Speaker 1: and I'm ready. When he reached out after my mom passed,

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Speaker 1: I was upset again. I was in a very bad place.

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Speaker 1: I was going through a lot then and I was

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Speaker 1: very upset when he reached out, and I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: why now? Now that my mom's not here, he wants

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Speaker 1: to talk to us. Now, he wants to have a relationship.

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Speaker 1: I was very defensive. But then when my sister spoke

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Speaker 1: to him and she related the message to me, you know,

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Speaker 1: because I was very vocal about me being upset, she said, no,

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Speaker 1: I get it, sister, But he just says he felt

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Speaker 1: very bad, like these kids are alone in this world.

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Speaker 1: I'm in jail, their mom passed away, like he felt

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Speaker 1: like he needed to reach out. So then I was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: I was a little bit better about the situation. I

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Speaker 1: still wasn't completely open, like I am now to go

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Speaker 1: visit him. I know, and I hear from my sister

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Speaker 1: that he's a reborn Christian, that he's like I think

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Speaker 1: a pastor or does like Bible studies in there, and

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Speaker 1: he's just he's a barber. He's really it's done a

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Speaker 1: lot while being in prison. And I want to think

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Speaker 1: that he's going to ask me for forgiveness because he never

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Speaker 1: has and he's never really admitted to doing it. From

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Speaker 1: what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him. The

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Speaker 1: times that I have talked to him on the phone,

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Speaker 1: it was when I was getting married he just said, hey,

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Speaker 1: I just want to say, can I pray for you

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Speaker 1: before you know you walk to the altar? And I

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Speaker 1: said yeah and I let him, and then another time

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Speaker 1: just to say hello. So I've never said, hey, dad,

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Speaker 1: now do you know ask me for forgiveness or I

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Speaker 1: want to hear you. I feel like that's a conversation

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Speaker 1: that needs to be had in person, which is why

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Speaker 1: I'm going to take the step. So thank goodness for

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Speaker 1: my partner, Emilio. He also is going to go with me.

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Speaker 1: And the last time I was at of prison was

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Speaker 1: freaking years ago. You guys, I want to say, like

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Speaker 1: eight years ago. I haven't been to a prison in years.

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Speaker 1: And the only reason I went the first time to

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Speaker 1: go visit someone was because I was a witness at

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Speaker 1: a wedding in prison. One of my friends, a boss

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Speaker 1: B actually was getting married to someone and she wanted

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Speaker 1: me to be her witness, so I went and I

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Speaker 1: was there supporting her, and I don't know, I don't

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Speaker 1: know what I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and

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Speaker 1: I both were accepted to go and visit him. I

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Speaker 1: know he's more open about it. And the crazy thing

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Speaker 1: is is I feel bad because his mom just passed.

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Speaker 1: Both his parents have passed while he's been in there,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know, I want to think that he's

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Speaker 1: learned a lot. From what I hear, he has learned

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Speaker 1: a lot. Again, Like his faith is like at the

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Speaker 1: best it's ever been, at the highest, And I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna lie. I have thought about putting in a petition

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Speaker 1: to help him come out sooner, because he has a daughter,

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Speaker 1: he has a wife. From what I hear, his wife

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Speaker 1: has been by his side, and I think that's fucking admirable.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, I just I feel bad, you know,

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Speaker 1: But I know that that I can't necessarily do that

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Speaker 1: yet I still have to take this step in and

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Speaker 1: seeing him in person and see if he really does

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Speaker 1: admit to what he did and and apologizes. You know,

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Speaker 1: that's all I really need. I don't need to get

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Speaker 1: into details. I don't know, I mean, And if this

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Speaker 1: visit doesn't go that way, I think that I would

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Speaker 1: I just would close that door and not worry about

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Speaker 1: it anymore, you know what I mean, Like I'd just

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Speaker 1: be like, well, if sister, if you still want to

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Speaker 1: have a relationship with him, I'm okay with it. But

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Speaker 1: if he doesn't tell me what I need to hear,

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Speaker 1: then there's no reason to continue or to go visit

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Speaker 1: him again, you know. And I don't know if I'm

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Speaker 1: wrong for that, but that's just I'm not gonna wait

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Speaker 1: my time or waste his, you know. I want to

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Speaker 1: think that maybe he's ready now more than ever that

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Speaker 1: his parents are in heaven, because maybe it's something he

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Speaker 1: didn't want to admit to out loud because he doesn't

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Speaker 1: want to hurt his family. Obviously, his family thinks that

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Speaker 1: it didn't happen. They think that my mom put this

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Speaker 1: in my head, that my mom made me say it,

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Speaker 1: and that's absolutely false. I remember everything that happened. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: I remember details, so no one put this in my head,

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Speaker 1: especially not my mom. If anything, I I'm so grateful

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Speaker 1: that she believed me. She never questioned me. But I

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Speaker 1: respect his decisions and I don't I feel worried. I

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Speaker 1: feel worried for him because I know when this whole

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Speaker 1: thing happened, you know, especially in the beginning, like in jail,

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Speaker 1: people do things, they freaking beat them up, child abusers,

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Speaker 1: you know. So I know that he went through that,

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Speaker 1: and it hurts me, like it's not I don't want

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Speaker 1: to cause him any more pain, you know what I mean, Like,

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Speaker 1: I really don't like and that's why I'm kind of scared.

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Speaker 1: I was afraid to talk about this because I'm like, shit,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to like open this can of worms

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Speaker 1: for him, like if he's already finding his peace in there,

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Speaker 1: you know, because I forgave him, you know, and I

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Speaker 1: just want people to also forgive him. And just it's

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Speaker 1: no one else's like business. I guess it's it's your

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Speaker 1: business because I'm telling you guys, but I'm just saying,

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Speaker 1: like no one should say what I should and shouldn't do.

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Speaker 1: And you guys or the people that are kind of like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, like if that or Cheeky's is wrong,

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Speaker 1: Like I guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes,

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Speaker 1: but at the end of the day, it's like I

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Speaker 1: just don't want to hurt him or his family any

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Speaker 1: more than they've already gone through, you know, because we

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Speaker 1: all suffered. My family. His family he has suffered so

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Speaker 1: much because you know, he lost both his parents while

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Speaker 1: being in there. I mean, I can't even imagine, you know,

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Speaker 1: like not being able to give him a hug and

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Speaker 1: I guess I can because I wasn't able to give

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Speaker 1: my mama hug for like two months, so I guess

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Speaker 1: I get it. So it just maybe that's why it

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Speaker 1: hurts me so much. But I just wanted to share

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Speaker 1: this because I think it's so important, you guys. The

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Speaker 1: power of forgiveness is so important and liberating for ourselves.

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Speaker 1: It's a gift that we give ourselves not to hold

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Speaker 1: onto things like that, hold on to any resentment, and

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Speaker 1: it helps us. It helps us fly and conquer and

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Speaker 1: accomplish what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to

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Speaker 1: just let go of the baggage. And I tell you

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Speaker 1: guys this all the time, and I just felt that

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Speaker 1: I wanted to express this and for you guys to

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Speaker 1: help me pray because I don't know when I'm going

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Speaker 1: to go visit him, but when it happens, now that

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Speaker 1: I'm accepted, I just want you guys to send me

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Speaker 1: good wishes and your prayers that everything goes well and

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Speaker 1: may God's will be done when it comes to that.

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Speaker 1: I saw a picture of him the other day and

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Speaker 1: my sister took a screenshot because now in jail, you

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Speaker 1: have like a way of face timing and the whole thing.

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Speaker 1: It's crazy. He even has like a phone number. It's

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Speaker 1: like the craziest thing. I haven't used it yet, but

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Speaker 1: my sister sent me a screenshop when they were on

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Speaker 1: a phone call. And it's crazy how much I look

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Speaker 1: like him. It's freaking weird, especially because in my mind

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Speaker 1: for so long, I was like, I don't have a dad.

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Speaker 1: I don't have a dad, I don't have parents, Like

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Speaker 1: my mom's not here, I don't have a dad. Like,

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Speaker 1: but on my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with,

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Speaker 1: oh shit, I do have a dad. He is alive.

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Speaker 1: He's here. Like it's the craziest thing. Like we all

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Speaker 1: my siblings and I kind of had all of that,

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Speaker 1: had that in common where it's like, okay, we don't

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Speaker 1: have parents physically and that's kind of like, it's just

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Speaker 1: this weird thing. I don't know. And then to see

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Speaker 1: his gray hair and his gray beard, it's just it's

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Speaker 1: so crazy because I remember him with black, black, dark

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Speaker 1: hair and he was young and hip and he's aged

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Speaker 1: and it's just I don't know. It's the craziest fucking

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Speaker 1: feeling ever. I don't know. It makes me emotional because

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, I don't know what the hell is

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Speaker 1: gonna happen. I don't know what I'm feel but I

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Speaker 1: know it's something I have the face, and I'm all

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Speaker 1: about facing your fears. So this is something that kind

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Speaker 1: of makes me nervous. It's nerve wracking, but I know

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Speaker 1: it's going to be really good for me, for me

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Speaker 1: to move forward, to become a parent, to get married,

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Speaker 1: to just really just really close that chapter of my life.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what's going to happen after that visit.

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Speaker 1: I have really no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown.

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Speaker 1: I'm taking a leap of faith here and now that

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking about having kids, I mean, if all goes

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Speaker 1: well in that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay. I

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Speaker 1: don't even know. I honestly don't even know. Like I'm

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Speaker 1: like I was about to say, if I do have kids,

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Speaker 1: would I be okay with my daughter or my son

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Speaker 1: meeting him? I don't know. Damn, that's a good question.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I guess it all just appet It all

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Speaker 1: just depends how I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive.

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Speaker 1: I feel people's vibes and I just I all would

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Speaker 1: have to see. I know that my niece, Jayla, the

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Speaker 1: oldest one, wants to meet him, and Jackie asked me,

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Speaker 1: how do you feel about that? And I said, I'm

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Speaker 1: totally fine with that if you're okay with it. So

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Speaker 1: I think she's gonna meet him soon. But yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I guess it's something. I guess we'll have to cross

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Speaker 1: that bridge when we get there. You know. As far

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Speaker 1: as my kid's meeting him, I don't know. He's in

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Speaker 1: his late fifties now and he's been in there for

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Speaker 1: seventeen years, and if I'm calculating correctly, he won't be

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Speaker 1: out until twenty thirty eight. It's a fucking long time.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if I'm crazy, but I just

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Speaker 1: feel like, Okay, if he already like repented, maybe you know,

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Speaker 1: like he can get out. And I don't know, like

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Speaker 1: I just feel I feel like our justice system sometimes

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Speaker 1: is like kind of twisted, and I feel like they

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Speaker 1: gave him more time because it was such a public trial.

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Speaker 1: I mean, who am I to say, right, But I've

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Speaker 1: seen and I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys,

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Speaker 1: and I watch a lot of stuff people that have

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Speaker 1: murdered people get seven years and this and that or

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Speaker 1: and I'm just like I get it, like I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. I know it sounds weird

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Speaker 1: because it happened to me, and yes, it was very

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Speaker 1: traumatizing and affected me in many many ways. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if it's because I'm healed or what it is,

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Speaker 1: but I just feel like it's a little unfair. I

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Speaker 1: feel bad, and I don't know what that means. And

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Speaker 1: I know people are probably gonna think I'm freaking crazy,

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Speaker 1: or maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know, but I've always said this,

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Speaker 1: like he wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that

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Speaker 1: fucking sounds, he wasn't like he actually like when we

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Speaker 1: would get in trouble, he sit us down and talk

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Speaker 1: to us like he wasn't one to like kick our butt.

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Speaker 1: You know. It was just when night came, he was

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Speaker 1: a different person. Not saying and I'm not condoning it

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Speaker 1: or excusing what he did, because it's not it's absolutely

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent not right. But it's the weirdest thing

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Speaker 1: because he was a good dad. It's it's so fucking

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Speaker 1: twisted it's I don't know. You know. For for a

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Speaker 1: long time, I was fine with not seeing him. I

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Speaker 1: was I was okay with it. I was like kind

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Speaker 1: of like, Okay, we don't have our mom, Johnny and

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Speaker 1: Janaa don't have their dad, you know. I was kind

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Speaker 1: of like, this is what it is, this is our life.

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Speaker 1: But then as my sister, I would ask her, Hey,

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Speaker 1: have you talked a dad? Have you gone to visit him?

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Speaker 1: She's like yeah, and she would tell me stories and

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Speaker 1: the things that they talk about, and she's like, he's

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Speaker 1: so gentle, like the way he like, he's different, Like

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Speaker 1: I don't know. She's like, I don't remember the way

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Speaker 1: he was before, but from what I hear and what

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Speaker 1: I've heard about him, he's different. And it just kind

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Speaker 1: of intrigued me, and it made me a little curious

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Speaker 1: as to like, okay, well, ask him. I told her

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Speaker 1: to ask him if he'd be okay with me, just

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Speaker 1: to see what he said. And he said yes, that

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Speaker 1: he would be very nervous to see me, but that yes,

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Speaker 1: if I'm open to it, then he would be as well.

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Speaker 1: So that's kind of how it happened. And then I

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Speaker 1: just sat on it for a while, and I was

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Speaker 1: kind of like on the fence about it, and then

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Speaker 1: little by little reading books and reading stories about other

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Speaker 1: people that have gone through what I've gone through through

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Speaker 1: sexual abuse and how they when they confronted their abuser,

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Speaker 1: how liberating it was, and how healing it was. So

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Speaker 1: here I am feeling I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: imagine if I face this and I stop ignoring it,

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Speaker 1: what it can do in my life, especially if I

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Speaker 1: want to have kids, you know, and I want to

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Speaker 1: become a mother, Like I I want to be able

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Speaker 1: to tell my child, hey, I did this. It's like

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Speaker 1: something that's brewing within me. That's just like I have

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Speaker 1: to just let it out sort of thing, you know.

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Speaker 1: I have to go visit him. I have to go

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Speaker 1: visit him and see where he's at mentally, and we'll

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Speaker 1: go from there. But I did feel the need to

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Speaker 1: share this with you guys and express these things, because again,

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Speaker 1: this is my podcast, is where I feel safe, and

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Speaker 1: I love having these one on one conversations just me

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Speaker 1: the micing you guys. You know. But yeah, I know,

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Speaker 1: I know it's gonna be a little weird for people,

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Speaker 1: but I do feel ninety five percent healed from this,

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Speaker 1: and this five percent that's missing is just having this

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Speaker 1: conversation with him and seeing where he is, where his

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Speaker 1: headspace is, where his heart is, and we'll see. All right. Well,

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Speaker 1: this was a heavy one, but like always, I thank

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Speaker 1: you guys for listening, for tuning in to Cheese and Chill.

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Speaker 1: I am very grateful to have this space. I'm grateful

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Speaker 1: for you guys, each and every single one of you. Guys,

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Speaker 1: Tell your friends about the podcast. Okay, spread the word,

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Speaker 1: spread the love, spread the wisdom. I love you guys

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Speaker 1: so much, and I will catch you here on the

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Speaker 1: next episode of Cheeky's and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all Right, Okay, bessos.

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Speaker 1: This is a production of iHeartRadio and Mike Pura podcast Network.

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Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram at Mike Putura Podcasts and follow

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Speaker 1: me Cheeky's That's c h I q U y s.

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Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 1: or wherever you get your favorite shows.