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Speaker 1: What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back to the Cheese and Chill Podcast.

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Speaker 1: I hope that you guys are having an amazing day,

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Speaker 1: an amazing week. I had a great weekend. Actually, I'm

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Speaker 1: very happy. I feel very good. I haven't felt this

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Speaker 1: good in a while. A lot has happened in the

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Speaker 1: past couple of months, but I feel good, So I'm happy.

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Speaker 2: I am a little nervous about this episode though.

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Speaker 1: This is something I've been wanting to talk about for

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Speaker 1: a while and I wanted to share with you guys.

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Speaker 2: So here we go.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So I'm going to talk about my dad, my

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Speaker 1: biological father, in this episode. I wanted to share it

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Speaker 1: because I truly believe that this can heal many people.

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Speaker 1: I truly believe in the power of forgiveness. I have

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Speaker 1: a whole freaking book on it, and it's something that

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Speaker 1: I stand by, and I have decided that I want

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Speaker 1: to go visit my dad in jail. Let me give

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Speaker 1: you guys a bit of a backstory. If you guys

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Speaker 1: are new to the podcast, if you guys haven't read

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Speaker 1: my books, you don't know too much about my personal life.

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Speaker 1: But the reason my dad's in prison, it's not even

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Speaker 1: jealous in prison because he got thirty one years no

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Speaker 1: chance of parole, and the reason he's in jail or

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Speaker 1: in prison is because he sexually molested me when I

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Speaker 1: was eight years old. It was from that, I remember,

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Speaker 1: from eight to twelve, and he was on the run

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Speaker 1: for ten years, and in two thousand and seven they

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Speaker 1: caught him, actually in two thousand and six. Then we

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Speaker 1: went to court. We were on trial for a whole year,

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Speaker 1: and he was sentenced. I believe he was found out

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Speaker 1: of nine counts. I believe from I think eight out

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Speaker 1: of nine counts or nine out of nine. I don't

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Speaker 1: remember exactly, but I just remember that entire year of

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Speaker 1: having to go to court and talk about everything that

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Speaker 1: happened in front of my mom, in front of my uncles,

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Speaker 1: in front of my grandparents, in front of my then

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Speaker 1: fiance because I was also engaged a long time ago.

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Speaker 1: But anyways, it was a lot, you guys, It was

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Speaker 1: very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad in ten

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Speaker 1: years because he, you know, was on the run since

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Speaker 1: I was twelve years old, So having to relive all

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Speaker 1: of that was very hard. And then also I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to testify. I didn't want to testify because I

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Speaker 1: have another sister, his daughter, and she's I want to say,

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Speaker 1: around twenty five or something like that. She's my sister.

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Speaker 1: Jenica's age I believe, or younger I don't remember. But regardless,

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Speaker 1: he has a daughter, he had a wife, and I

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Speaker 1: just felt like, oh my god, like he's okay, like

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Speaker 1: he I don't want to disrupt his life. But then

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Speaker 1: my mom made me understand that it's something I had

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Speaker 1: to do, that justice had to be served, you guys,

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Speaker 1: and that's like something it's out of my hands, you know.

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Speaker 1: And she said, through you telling your story, you're going

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Speaker 1: to be able to help others. So then my perspective

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Speaker 1: completely changed. I was like, Okay, I'm going to go

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Speaker 1: on there because it was hard. I was on especially

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Speaker 1: cross examination you guys is fucking horrible because you're telling

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Speaker 1: your lawyer, oh, this happened.

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Speaker 2: This happened.

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Speaker 1: But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you,

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Speaker 1: and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was

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Speaker 1: on the stand, I had to like just get off.

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Speaker 1: And that's when I told my mom was like, outside

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Speaker 1: of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's

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Speaker 1: been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no,

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Speaker 1: there's a reason why he got caught. So she made

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Speaker 1: me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing.

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Speaker 1: Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I

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Speaker 1: was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera,

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Speaker 1: and so I was just like, how how am I

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Speaker 1: going to talk about all this because it was a very,

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Speaker 1: very very public trial.

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Speaker 2: So I was just embarrassed. It was so many different things.

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Speaker 1: But regardless, I don't regret going through it because now

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Speaker 1: I can talk about things like this. So anyways, that's

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Speaker 1: just a little bit of the backstory, a whole lot

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Speaker 1: of the backstory. But that's what happened. And now I

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Speaker 1: feel ready to go visit him. And I submitted my

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Speaker 1: application and he I've talked to him a couple times

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Speaker 1: on the phone. My sister Jackie has a little bit

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Speaker 1: more communication with him. And I know a lot of

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Speaker 1: people have opinions about this topic, and I know that

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Speaker 1: a lot of people have attacked my sister Jackie, and

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Speaker 1: it hurts my feelings because that's my sister. I love her,

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Speaker 1: and she has all the right to have a relationship

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Speaker 1: with her dad. I don't think it ever happened to her.

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Speaker 1: I did my best to protect my sister Jackie from

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Speaker 1: it happening to her. She doesn't remember anything, because for

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Speaker 1: a long time I was like, why does she talk

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Speaker 1: to him? Why does she want to have a relationship

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Speaker 1: with him? He did this to me again. I wasn't healed.

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Speaker 1: Now I'm healed. Now, I feel better. Thank goodness for

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Speaker 1: therapy and for my faith, you know. But now I'm like,

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Speaker 1: who am I to take away my sister or keep

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Speaker 1: that from her, or take that from her, her having

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Speaker 1: a relationship, If that's her, that's her prerogative. That's what

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Speaker 1: she wants to do, and I'm okay with it now,

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Speaker 1: you know. So I just feel like everyone should kind

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Speaker 1: of just in that aspect, kind of just mind their

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Speaker 1: own business and leave her alone. There's no thing wrong

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Speaker 1: with her talking to my dad. And I know a

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Speaker 1: lot of people are gonna attack me. Why are you

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Speaker 1: going to go visit your dad? Your mom wouldn't be

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Speaker 1: okay with it. I'm going to tell you guys right now,

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Speaker 1: I know my mother. I know my mother. I lived

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Speaker 1: with her twenty six years of my life, and I

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Speaker 1: know my mom had a very forgiving heart, and even

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Speaker 1: though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny and Jenica's dad hurt

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Speaker 1: her when he was still alive, my mom was at

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Speaker 1: his bedside when he was passing, and then when he passed.

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Speaker 1: My mom is a very forgiving woman. I know my

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Speaker 1: mom would have said, Okay, if that's what you want

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Speaker 1: to do, she would respect me, and she would probably

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Speaker 1: even go with me. You guys, I really really feel it,

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Speaker 1: But not only that. I am my own person. This

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Speaker 1: happened to me, and if I'm okay with forgiving this person,

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Speaker 1: why can't you guys be okay with it. I'm not

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Speaker 1: saying everyone, because there are people that have said I

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Speaker 1: can't believe she forgave him and this and that. I've

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Speaker 1: seen a lot of little things here and there, but

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Speaker 1: I don't care. I feel that this is part of

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Speaker 1: my healing, of closing that circle, of closing that chapter

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Speaker 1: of my life completely, and I'm ready. When he reached

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Speaker 1: out after my mom passed, I was upset again. I

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Speaker 1: was in a very bad place. I was going through

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Speaker 1: a lot then and I was very upset when he

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Speaker 1: reached out, and I was like, well, why now? Now

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Speaker 1: that my mom's not here, he wants to talk to us. Now,

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Speaker 1: he wants to have a relationship. I was very defensive.

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Speaker 1: But then when my sister spoke to him and she

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Speaker 1: related the message to me, you know, because I was

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Speaker 1: very vocal about me being upset, she said, no, I

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Speaker 1: get it, sister, But he just says he felt very bad,

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Speaker 1: like these kids are alone in this world. I'm in jail,

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Speaker 1: their mom passed away, like he felt like he needed

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Speaker 1: to reach out. So then I was like, okay, I

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Speaker 1: was a little bit better about the situation. I still

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Speaker 1: wasn't completely open, like I am now to go visit him.

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Speaker 1: I know, and I hear from my sister that he's

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Speaker 1: a reborn Christian, that he's like I think a pastor

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Speaker 1: or does like Bible studies in there, and he's just

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Speaker 1: he's a barber. He's really it's done a lot while

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Speaker 1: being in prison. And I want to think that he's

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Speaker 1: going to ask me for forgiveness because he never has and

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Speaker 1: he's never really admitted to doing it. From what I hear, again,

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Speaker 1: I haven't talked to him. The times that I have

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Speaker 1: talked to him on the phone, it was when I

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Speaker 1: was getting married he just said, hey, I just want

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Speaker 1: to say, can I pray for you before you know

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Speaker 1: you walk to the altar? And I said yeah and

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Speaker 1: I let him, and then another time just to say hello.

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Speaker 1: So I've never said, hey, dad, now do you know

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Speaker 1: ask me for forgiveness or I want to hear you.

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Speaker 1: I feel like that's a conversation that needs to be

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Speaker 1: had in person, which is why I'm going to take

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Speaker 1: the step. So thank goodness for my partner, Emilio. He

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Speaker 1: also is going to go with me. And the last

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Speaker 1: time I was at of prison was freaking years ago.

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Speaker 1: You guys, I want to say, like eight years ago.

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Speaker 1: I haven't been to a prison in years. And the

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Speaker 1: only reason I went the first time to go visit

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Speaker 1: someone was because I was a witness at a wedding

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Speaker 1: in prison. One of my friends, a boss B actually

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Speaker 1: was getting married to someone and she wanted me to

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Speaker 1: be her witness, so I went and I was there

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Speaker 1: supporting her, and I don't know, I don't know what

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and I both

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Speaker 1: were accepted to go and visit him. I know he's

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Speaker 1: more open about it. And the crazy thing is is

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Speaker 1: I feel bad because his mom just passed. Both his

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Speaker 1: parents have passed while he's been in there, and I

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Speaker 1: don't know, I want to think that he's learned a lot.

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Speaker 1: From what I hear, he has learned a lot. Again,

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Speaker 1: Like his faith is like at the best it's ever been,

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Speaker 1: at the highest, And I'm not gonna lie. I have

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Speaker 1: thought about putting in a petition to help him come

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Speaker 1: out sooner, because he has a daughter, he has a wife.

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Speaker 1: From what I hear, his wife has been by his side,

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Speaker 1: and I think that's fucking admirable. I don't know, I

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Speaker 1: just I feel bad, you know, But I know that

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Speaker 1: that I can't necessarily do that yet I still have

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Speaker 1: to take this step in and seeing him in person

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Speaker 1: and see if he really does admit to what he

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Speaker 1: did and and apologizes. You know, that's all I really need.

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Speaker 1: I don't need to get into details. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I mean, And if this visit doesn't go that way,

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Speaker 1: I think that.

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Speaker 2: I would I just would close that.

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Speaker 1: Door and not worry about it anymore, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean, Like I'd just be like, well, if sister,

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Speaker 1: if you still want to have a relationship with him,

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Speaker 1: I'm okay with it. But if he doesn't tell me

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Speaker 1: what I need to hear, then there's no reason to

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Speaker 1: continue or to go visit.

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Speaker 2: Him again, you know.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if I'm wrong for that, but

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Speaker 1: that's just I'm not gonna wait my time or waste his,

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Speaker 1: you know. I want to think that maybe he's ready

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Speaker 1: now more than ever that his parents are in heaven,

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Speaker 1: because maybe it's something he didn't want to admit to

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Speaker 1: out loud because he doesn't want to hurt his family. Obviously,

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Speaker 1: his family thinks that it didn't happen. They think that

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Speaker 1: my mom put this in my head, that my mom

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Speaker 1: made me say it, and that's absolutely false. I remember

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Speaker 1: everything that happened. Unfortunately, I remember details, so no one

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Speaker 1: put this in my head, especially not my mom. If anything,

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Speaker 1: I I'm so grateful that she believed me.

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Speaker 2: She never questioned me.

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Speaker 1: But I respect his decisions and I don't I feel worried.

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Speaker 1: I feel worried for him because I know when this

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Speaker 1: whole thing happened, you know, especially in the beginning, like

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Speaker 1: in jail, people do things, they freaking beat them up,

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Speaker 1: child abusers, you know. So I know that he went

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Speaker 1: through that, and it hurts me, like it's not I

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Speaker 1: don't want to cause him any more pain, you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean, Like, I really don't like and that's

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Speaker 1: why I'm kind of scared. I was afraid to talk

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Speaker 1: about this because I'm like, shit, I don't want to

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Speaker 1: like open this can of worms for him, like if

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Speaker 1: he's already finding his peace in there, you know, because

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Speaker 1: I forgave him, you know, and I just want people

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Speaker 1: to also forgive him. And just it's no one else's

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Speaker 1: like business. I guess it's it's your business because I'm

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Speaker 1: telling you guys, but I'm just saying, like no one

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Speaker 1: should say what I should and shouldn't do.

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Speaker 2: And you guys.

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Speaker 1: Or the people that are kind of like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: like if that or Cheeky's is wrong, Like I guess, yes,

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Speaker 1: you're entitled to your own opinion, yes, but at the

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Speaker 1: end of the day, it's like I just don't want

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Speaker 1: to hurt him or his family any more than they've

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Speaker 1: already gone through, you know, because we all suffered.

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Speaker 2: My family.

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Speaker 1: His family he has suffered so much because you know,

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Speaker 1: he lost both his parents while being in there. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I can't even imagine, you know, like not being able

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Speaker 1: to give him a hug and I guess I can

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Speaker 1: because I wasn't able to give my mama hug for

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Speaker 1: like two months, so.

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Speaker 2: I guess I get it. So it just maybe that's

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Speaker 2: why it hurts me so much.

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Speaker 1: But I just wanted to share this because I think

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Speaker 1: it's so important, you guys. The power of forgiveness is

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Speaker 1: so important and liberating for ourselves. It's a gift that

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Speaker 1: we give ourselves not to hold onto things like that,

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Speaker 1: hold on to any resentment, and it helps us. It

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Speaker 1: helps us fly and conquer and accomplish what we're meant

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Speaker 1: to accomplish when we're able to just let go of

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Speaker 1: the baggage. And I tell you guys this all the time,

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Speaker 1: and I just felt that I wanted to express this

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Speaker 1: and for you guys to help me pray because I

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Speaker 1: don't know when I'm going to go visit him, but

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Speaker 1: when it happens, now that I'm accepted, I just want

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Speaker 1: you guys to send me good wishes and your prayers

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Speaker 1: that everything goes well and may God's will be done

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Speaker 1: when it comes to that. I saw a picture of

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Speaker 1: him the other day and my sister took a screenshot

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Speaker 1: because now in jail, you have like a way of

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Speaker 1: face timing and the whole thing. It's crazy. He even

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Speaker 1: has like a phone number. It's like the craziest thing.

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Speaker 1: I haven't used it yet, but my sister sent me

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Speaker 1: a screenshop when they were on a phone call. And

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Speaker 1: it's crazy how much I look like him. It's freaking weird,

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Speaker 1: especially because in my mind for so long, I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't have a dad. I don't have a dad,

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Speaker 1: I don't have parents, Like my mom's not here, I

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Speaker 1: don't have a dad. Like, but on my way a second,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna be faced with, oh shit, I do have

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Speaker 1: a dad.

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Speaker 2: He is alive. He's here. Like it's the craziest thing.

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Speaker 2: Like we all my siblings.

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Speaker 1: And I kind of had all of that, had that

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Speaker 1: in common where it's like, okay, we don't have parents

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Speaker 1: physically and that's kind of like, it's just this weird thing.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. And then to see his.

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Speaker 1: Gray hair and his gray beard, it's just it's so

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Speaker 1: crazy because I remember him with black, black, dark hair

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Speaker 1: and he was young and hip and he's aged and

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Speaker 1: it's just I don't know. It's the craziest fucking feeling ever.

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: It makes me emotional because I'm just like, I don't

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Speaker 1: know what the hell is gonna happen. I don't know

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Speaker 1: what I'm feel but I know it's something I have

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Speaker 1: the face, and I'm all about facing your fears.

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Speaker 2: So this is something that kind of makes me nervous.

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Speaker 1: It's nerve wracking, but I know it's going to be

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Speaker 1: really good for me, for me to move forward, to

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Speaker 1: become a parent, to get married, to just really just

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Speaker 1: really close that chapter of my life. I don't know

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Speaker 1: what's going to happen after that visit. I have really

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Speaker 1: no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown. I'm taking

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Speaker 1: a leap of faith here and now that I'm thinking

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Speaker 1: about having kids, I mean, if all goes well in

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Speaker 1: that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay.

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Speaker 2: I don't even know. I honestly don't even know.

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Speaker 1: Like I'm like I was about to say, if I

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Speaker 1: do have kids, would I be okay with my daughter

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Speaker 1: or my son meeting him?

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: Damn, that's a good question. I mean, I guess it

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Speaker 1: all just appet It all just depends how I feel.

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Speaker 1: I'm very I'm very intuitive. I feel people's vibes and

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Speaker 1: I just I all would have to see. I know

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Speaker 1: that my niece, Jayla, the oldest one, wants to meet him,

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Speaker 1: and Jackie asked me, how do you feel about that?

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Speaker 1: And I said, I'm totally fine with that if you're

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Speaker 1: okay with it. So I think she's gonna meet him soon.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean, I guess it's something. I guess

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Speaker 1: we'll have to cross that bridge when we get there.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: As far as my kid's meeting him, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: He's in his late fifties now and he's been in

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Speaker 1: there for seventeen years, and if I'm calculating correctly, he

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Speaker 1: won't be out until twenty thirty eight.

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Speaker 2: It's a fucking long time.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if I'm crazy, but I just

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Speaker 1: feel like, Okay, if he already like repented, maybe you know,

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Speaker 1: like he can get out. And I don't know, like

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Speaker 1: I just feel I feel like our justice system sometimes

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Speaker 1: is like kind of twisted, and I feel like they

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Speaker 1: gave him more time because it was such a public trial.

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Speaker 1: I mean, who am I to say, right, But I've

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Speaker 1: seen and I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys,

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Speaker 1: and I watch a lot of stuff people that have

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Speaker 1: murdered people get seven years and this and that or

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Speaker 1: and I'm just like I get it, like I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I know it sounds weird because it happened to me,

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Speaker 1: and yes, it was very traumatizing and affected me in

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Speaker 1: many many ways. I don't know if it's because I'm

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Speaker 1: healed or what it is, but I just feel like

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Speaker 1: it's a little unfair. I feel bad, and I don't

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Speaker 1: know what that means. And I know people are probably

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Speaker 1: gonna think I'm freaking crazy, or maybe it's the heart

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Speaker 1: that my mom gave me.

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, but I've always said this, like he

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Speaker 1: wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that fucking sounds,

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Speaker 1: he wasn't like he actually like when we would get

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Speaker 1: in trouble, he sit us down and talk to us

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Speaker 1: like he wasn't one to like kick our butt. You know.

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Speaker 1: It was just when night came, he was a different person.

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Speaker 1: Not saying and I'm not condoning it or excusing what

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Speaker 1: he did, because it's not it's absolutely one hundred percent

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Speaker 1: not right. But it's the weirdest thing because he was

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Speaker 1: a good dad. It's it's so fucking twisted it's.

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: You know. For for a long time, I was fine

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Speaker 1: with not seeing him. I was I was okay with it.

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Speaker 1: I was like kind of like, Okay, we don't have

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Speaker 1: our mom, Johnny and Janaka don't have their dad, you know.

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Speaker 1: I was kind of like, this is what it is,

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Speaker 1: this is our life. But then as my sister, I

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Speaker 1: would ask her, Hey, have you talked a dad? Have

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Speaker 1: you gone to visit him? She's like yeah, and she

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Speaker 1: would tell me stories and the things that they talk about,

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Speaker 1: and she's like, he's so gentle, like the way he like,

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Speaker 1: he's different, Like I don't know. She's like, I don't

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Speaker 1: remember the way he was before, but from what I

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Speaker 1: hear and what I've heard about him, he's different. And

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Speaker 1: it just kind of intrigued me, and it made me

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Speaker 1: a little curious as to like, okay, well, ask him.

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Speaker 1: I told her to ask him if he'd be okay

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Speaker 1: with me, just to see what he said. And he

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Speaker 1: said yes, that he would be very nervous to see me,

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Speaker 1: but that yes, if I'm open to it, then he

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Speaker 1: would be as well. So that's kind of how it happened.

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Speaker 1: And then I just sat on it for a while.

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Speaker 1: And I was kind of like on the fence about it,

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Speaker 1: and then little by little reading books and reading stories

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Speaker 1: about other people that have gone through what I've gone

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Speaker 1: through through sexual abuse and how they when they confronted

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Speaker 1: their abuser, how liberating it was, and how healing it was.

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Speaker 1: So here I am feeling I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: imagine if I face this and I stop ignoring it,

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Speaker 1: what it can do in my life, especially if I

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Speaker 1: want to have kids, you know, and I want to

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Speaker 1: become a mother, Like I I want to be able

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Speaker 1: to tell my child, hey, I did this. It's like

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Speaker 1: something that's brewing within me. That's just like I have

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Speaker 1: to just let it out sort of thing, you know,

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Speaker 1: I have to go visit him. I have to go

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Speaker 1: visit him and see where he's at mentally, and we'll

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Speaker 1: go from there. But I did feel the need to

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Speaker 1: share this with you guys and express these things, because again,

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Speaker 1: this is my podcast, is where I feel safe, and

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Speaker 1: I love having these one on one conversations just me

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Speaker 1: the micing you guys.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I know, I know it's gonna be a

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Speaker 1: little weird for people, but I do feel ninety five

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Speaker 1: percent healed from this, and this five percent that's missing

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Speaker 1: is just having this conversation with him and seeing where

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Speaker 1: he is, where his headspace is, where his heart is.

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Speaker 2: And we'll see. All right.

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Speaker 1: Well, this was a heavy one, but like always, I

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Speaker 1: thank you guys for listening, for tuning in to Cheese

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Speaker 1: and Chill. I am very grateful to have this space.

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Speaker 1: I'm grateful for you guys, each and every single one

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Speaker 1: of you. Guys, Tell your friends about the podcast. Okay,

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Speaker 1: spread the.

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Speaker 2: Word, spread the love, spread the wisdom.

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Speaker 1: I love you guys so much, and I will catch

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Speaker 1: you here on the next episode of Cheeky's and Chill

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00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:12,800
Speaker 1: or Dear Cheeky's all Right, Okay, bessos. This is a

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00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:17,080
Speaker 1: production of iHeartRadio and Mike Pura podcast Network. Follow us

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00:20:17,119 --> 00:20:21,320
Speaker 1: on Instagram at Mike Putura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's

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Speaker 1: That's c h I q U y s. For more

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Speaker 1: podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or

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Speaker 1: wherever you get your favorite shows.