Speaker 1: The nick podcast. Here, I am welcome to the show.
Speaker 1: It's Nicky Glats podcast. It's Monday. Marian's dancing over there.
Speaker 1: Marian's here everyone, My parents dog. My parents are out
Speaker 1: of town, and so I'm taking care of Marion and
Speaker 1: she is not eating right now and she has diarrhea.
Speaker 1: But Andrew just saw her and said that she looked fat.
Speaker 1: Your parents are definitely given her something from the table. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they make her a plate every single They give her
Speaker 1: so much food. These dogs always get fat when they
Speaker 1: go over there because it's just my dad for doing nothing.
Speaker 1: Treats are like a treat because you do something to
Speaker 1: earn it. Yes, my dad just up like and then
Speaker 1: he won't give one dog a treat for doing something
Speaker 1: good because the other dog will get jealous. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: dogs don't have jealousy, Like I don't know, I feel
Speaker 1: like they're pretty jealous of each other. You pet one,
Speaker 1: the other one jealousy though, will it be hurt like
Speaker 1: the rest of the day and like suffer because um,
Speaker 1: this goes back to like I don't know. I wonder
Speaker 1: if you pet just one dog for a week and
Speaker 1: not the other one, that would be so sad. I
Speaker 1: don't even want to think about that. So maybe they
Speaker 1: do have feelings or jealousy. Well, it goes back to
Speaker 1: like what um Anya was talking about. It we were
Speaker 1: at Starbucks this weekend. We probably went to the thirty
Speaker 1: Starbucks this weekend. But when we were talking about like
Speaker 1: she when she said she was living with me, and
Speaker 1: I said, I haven't earned a nap today, Like I
Speaker 1: I really want a nap, but I haven't earned one.
Speaker 1: And she was like, I'd never heard someone say something
Speaker 1: like that, And I was like, what do you mean?
Speaker 1: Like you anytime you do anything that is like relaxing
Speaker 1: or like feels good, it should come after some sort
Speaker 1: of hard work or like some sort of suffering. But
Speaker 1: I think her idea is just to viewing a nap
Speaker 1: as a treat as opposed to your body is just
Speaker 1: like putting in your mind that it's like a dessert
Speaker 1: that you don't deserve, so you deserve it. If you
Speaker 1: put in work enough to be tired, you don't get
Speaker 1: to nap. If you haven't worked all day, you're telling
Speaker 1: me you can't wake up and then nap ten minutes.
Speaker 1: I mean, I do, but it feels terrible and it's
Speaker 1: it's probably more like a leading to depression than like
Speaker 1: something balanced. But I I feel the same way with
Speaker 1: the dogs. I'm just like, they don't get treats unless
Speaker 1: they do something you can't just get. You have to
Speaker 1: earn things. And we're talking about like I mean, and
Speaker 1: I don't think that means like you don't give your
Speaker 1: kids toys or like presenters or like a day off
Speaker 1: school or whatever unless they earn it. But it shouldn't
Speaker 1: just be for nothing. I think there needs to be
Speaker 1: some kind of Is that wrong to know? I don't
Speaker 1: think so. I think that's I think when I got
Speaker 1: when I was sixteen, I got a car, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: I should have had to have worked at least to
Speaker 1: summer to at least put maybe five into that car.
Speaker 1: That's what I would do if I ever have a kid,
Speaker 1: like I think my parents they treated me like Marian
Speaker 1: I was just the same thing, you know, got whatever
Speaker 1: he wanted. As kind of yeah I was. I was spoiled,
Speaker 1: spoiled with gifts, but not with love. So it's kind
Speaker 1: of like here's a car. Now, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: talk to you for a year about I didn't get
Speaker 1: any everything I wanted, but we got a lot of
Speaker 1: cool stuff, and like Kirsten would always say, you're like,
Speaker 1: it's so fun hanging out with your dad because if
Speaker 1: he goes to the gas station, goes into pay, he'd
Speaker 1: come back and just throw a bunch of candy in
Speaker 1: the backseat and be like I gotta watch, like you
Speaker 1: feel like Twizzlers and peanut Eminem's and just like like
Speaker 1: a waterfall of candy would fall and it was like
Speaker 1: that was were you jealous of your sister if she
Speaker 1: got something and you didn't get it? Yeah, but that
Speaker 1: would never happen. My parents are very even if you
Speaker 1: do not get something, if your sister gets like no
Speaker 1: one gets more. There's this new thing that I learned
Speaker 1: about if you're a parent that helps. Um. You know,
Speaker 1: kids get when you're you're eating, kids get jealous of
Speaker 1: like they like I want more, like I want hers,
Speaker 1: like they always want what isn't theirs? Um. And this
Speaker 1: is a tactic I read about on Reddit that also
Speaker 1: they use in a prisoner of war camps and there's
Speaker 1: like food food rationing. UM. So you go you let
Speaker 1: one kid ration each portion to go, okay, split it
Speaker 1: in half and be like make a plate, make a plate,
Speaker 1: and then the other kid decides which one they want first.
Speaker 1: So one kid decide tries to make them equal as possible,
Speaker 1: obviously because he doesn't know which one he's going to get,
Speaker 1: and then the other kid chooses. And so that's how
Speaker 1: you should have your kids decide what to eat so
Speaker 1: that they don't one feels they both feel involved. Also,
Speaker 1: kids eat horribly usually because sisters don't want to hear it.
Speaker 1: I get it though, Like my kid was crying, But
Speaker 1: then what if you never introduced chicken tenders to your kid?
Speaker 1: Would they want chicken tenders? Is it what comes first
Speaker 1: a chicken or to crying? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: They want things? Well, they they see things marketed, and
Speaker 1: so you know what you want. You think the kids
Speaker 1: seen on the highway. I used to say I need this.
Speaker 1: My dad would say you don't need anything, and I go,
Speaker 1: I need this, Like I would get ideas from commercials
Speaker 1: of what I needed food. You're right, though, like do
Speaker 1: if you feed your kids like balanced food and you
Speaker 1: don't let them have those treats. But once, you mean,
Speaker 1: once they get to school. School kids start school early,
Speaker 1: they're gonna see another kids lunch. He's gonna have fucking yeah, gushers,
Speaker 1: What was the thing that you would want out of school? Lunches?
Speaker 1: At school, you guys like everything was trading up for
Speaker 1: a sandwich that I wanted, Like you love sandwiches. So
Speaker 1: my friend had this like roast beef, American cheese mayo sandwich.
Speaker 1: It was nothing to go nuts about. But a mother
Speaker 1: had made something for this child. Maybe it was a
Speaker 1: mother's love. You just wanted. You wanted to taste a
Speaker 1: mother's favorite. Prints. I didn't trade him a sandwich from home.
Speaker 1: My mom gave me money to buy his sandwich from
Speaker 1: so I gave him the school sandwich. I came with
Speaker 1: mother's love. Well, the money, I guess, but but I
Speaker 1: don't know. There was something about a homemade kind of
Speaker 1: disgusting sandwich. Yes, well we get turkey sandwiches on the road.
Speaker 1: Yes on the writer. I think I'm gonna change it,
Speaker 1: though it makes me tired. Man, it's a thing I'm
Speaker 1: telling you. So what do you change to do? Ham
Speaker 1: Ham wakes Ham's cocaine of the tuna that will get
Speaker 1: you fucking going? What are you gonna day to do?
Speaker 1: I'm gonna change into grilled chicken sandwich. That's hard to get.
Speaker 1: What do you mean, are grilled chicken sandwich is hard
Speaker 1: to find? No grilled chickens in every turkey sandwich. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: the same bird. Okay, do you remember getting jealous of
Speaker 1: lunches and like things. So I used to get jealous
Speaker 1: of kids who would get school lunch. But the thing
Speaker 1: that really makes me jealous because I always had, like
Speaker 1: you had a sack lunch. Yeah, like my my mom
Speaker 1: would send this with food. It was lunch. What was
Speaker 1: in that brown bag? It was just a pa bread
Speaker 1: cut in half, either with cheese and cucumbers or a
Speaker 1: cheese and salami. Cute. No, just really it was very sad.
Speaker 1: So I would get so jealous of the kids who
Speaker 1: had lunch a bowles. Do you remember the packaging they
Speaker 1: would have like a variety of cheeses and cold cuts
Speaker 1: and a little the pizza. Yeah that was so gross
Speaker 1: because it was cold, but like you just loved it. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean the slippery meat. That's what I couldn't understand.
Speaker 1: I would go over to a friend's house and her
Speaker 1: mom would make dinner for the family, and they would
Speaker 1: just be spaghetti. There would be no salad, there would
Speaker 1: be no fruit. The like, I was really lucky that
Speaker 1: I had a mom that made sure every food group
Speaker 1: was hit. But I just remember being like, I can't
Speaker 1: believe this girl who like lives in a big house
Speaker 1: as a really nice family, big yard, like bigger house
Speaker 1: than mine, nice neighborhood, their family for a sit down
Speaker 1: dinner baghetti, marinera, nothing else, no, nothing else. I couldn't
Speaker 1: believe it. I remember going home and being like, I, Mom,
Speaker 1: they didn't have anything else, And then my parents were
Speaker 1: just like that it's terrible lunch. Yeah, I mean too
Speaker 1: CUTEI oranges or an apple. Then a bag of like
Speaker 1: uh you know, like my mom would take chips and
Speaker 1: put them in a bag like Toritos or something, or
Speaker 1: like the snack sized Toritos, and then um, either peanut
Speaker 1: butter and jelly sandwich or a salami sandwich or um yeah,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, salamie. My mom loves salami and I'm not
Speaker 1: making it like love salamia, like the thick kind, like
Speaker 1: oh my god, I love. My favorite was when we'd
Speaker 1: get a peanut butter and jelly and it would go
Speaker 1: it would be at the bottom of the sack lunch,
Speaker 1: and then throughout the day it would be in my
Speaker 1: bag and it would get like hot and it would
Speaker 1: all melt. It would melt into the bread and get
Speaker 1: like it would all become one. It would be like pustable.
Speaker 1: It would just be this moist. You know, this is
Speaker 1: how Increstible started. This guy like brick of moist, just soft, gooey.
Speaker 1: Oh and the jelly was soak into the bread. Strawberry
Speaker 1: jelly was the best, not chunky peanut butter. But that's
Speaker 1: what I liked from a Mannaise sandwich is so key mayo,
Speaker 1: yeah moist. Yeah. I mean this thing was in my
Speaker 1: locker for a hot Florida locker for nine hours and
Speaker 1: yeah you really. Yeah, sandwiches were not definitely kids that
Speaker 1: had outdoor lockers, it seems like, so it's pretty cool.
Speaker 1: My locker was fucking filthy. I mean, I'm sure ship
Speaker 1: fell out of your locks. Mine was so bad I shared.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah. It was like opening a uber trunk,
Speaker 1: an uber X trunk when you when you a scamp
Speaker 1: and you go for one that and he looks at
Speaker 1: you like, oh, you have bags, and then he's got
Speaker 1: to open his trunk and there's like two bodies in there.
Speaker 1: He's going to shove to the side. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: I my locker, my car, everything. I mean, talk about
Speaker 1: a d D and everyone would see it except for
Speaker 1: like I just was just like, this is me. You
Speaker 1: know your room was like that. Yeah, everything two months ago.
Speaker 1: Yeah here, Yeah you haven't changed. I've changed. Your car
Speaker 1: had cans almost to the uh you know, halfway up
Speaker 1: to your shin. Yeah, recently, not that long ago. So
Speaker 1: it's funny. This was yesterday. I was listening to the
Speaker 1: Puddles podcast and I learned about how what I'm just
Speaker 1: plugging it. I know, I know that I'm making a joke.
Speaker 1: And I learned about how Andrew had his car broken into,
Speaker 1: and probably all the junk in there deterred the robber.
Speaker 1: I'm stealing anything smart smart He's like awesome when he
Speaker 1: got to yeah, I always want When my car got
Speaker 1: broken into in l A one time, I wanted them.
Speaker 1: I was happy that they stole stuff because it just
Speaker 1: looked cleaner. I didn't even know what they stole because
Speaker 1: there was so much ship. I remember being like I
Speaker 1: wrote it down as a joke because it was the
Speaker 1: first thing that came to my mind, was like, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for cleaning this up. Getting that taking
Speaker 1: that CD case. It's much of crap. I love the idea,
Speaker 1: you like leave a sign like doors open. Uh, the
Speaker 1: car is b O. And he he walks by like
Speaker 1: a like a you know, shady looking at he's trying
Speaker 1: to get rid of this car because everyone that will
Speaker 1: clean up and get in and go. And he walks by,
Speaker 1: just leaves. He rolls down the window. He closed the door,
Speaker 1: and he's like looking at the criminal looking guy in
Speaker 1: the corner and he takes his keys and he just
Speaker 1: throws it through the window and drops him and he's
Speaker 1: like presents the car and then the guy gets in
Speaker 1: it and it's the closing scene and then the crewds
Speaker 1: come up because the guy's like speaking of like smelly cars.
Speaker 1: I mean, the was it this morning? My God had
Speaker 1: smokey smokey Joe. Yeah, I was. I tipped, but I
Speaker 1: did complain about the smell on this car, and I
Speaker 1: gave four stars. There's something about having those air pods
Speaker 1: in that are noise canceling, but they cancel I think
Speaker 1: all my sense, Like I started coughing, but I didn't
Speaker 1: know if I was smelling. I didn't My nose wasn't
Speaker 1: working either. I don't know if they're all connected or not.
Speaker 1: I did a science project about this, so it should
Speaker 1: actually amplify. I would think your smell, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, when your other sentences are kind of deadened. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you would think. And I got in right away and
Speaker 1: was like, I had to wait fifteen minutes for this uber.
Speaker 1: I can't call another one. It's just you just don't.
Speaker 1: You don't get to drive an uber if you smoke.
Speaker 1: And I know you smoke in your car because I
Speaker 1: was once a smoker, and you try not to smoke
Speaker 1: in your car, but you smoke in your car and
Speaker 1: you roll the windows down and it still absorbs it.
Speaker 1: If you're still smoking, what are you doing? What are
Speaker 1: you doing having blast? I don't want to stop this conversation,
Speaker 1: but I want to go back a little bit. You
Speaker 1: said that you and Kirsten shared a locker. Do your
Speaker 1: pomper like what decorations you had on it? I think
Speaker 1: we have like a white board, that's probably it. Like
Speaker 1: stick I don't think we didn't. I don't think we decorated. No.
Speaker 1: I think it was like vandalism if we did, because stickers,
Speaker 1: you like, couldn't get them off, you know. But I
Speaker 1: remember she was not happy sharing a locker with me,
Speaker 1: and became why did that happen? Because it was senior
Speaker 1: year and it was like, oh my god, we get
Speaker 1: to share lockers. It would be so fun. It was
Speaker 1: in the senior hallway. It was like a fun thing
Speaker 1: we wanted to and then it quickly became a huge burden,
Speaker 1: like my friends would spend the night at my house
Speaker 1: and just be like, how do you live like this?
Speaker 1: Like all my friends rooms were so clean except me
Speaker 1: and Halla. Halla and I were the most messy, but
Speaker 1: Kirsten and Taylor no, oh god no. I tried my best,
Speaker 1: but it's it's it's nice to have an extra room.
Speaker 1: Room that's a judge drawer. I always would have a
Speaker 1: room or a closet and I would stuff everything and
Speaker 1: I would get rid of it. And it was such
Speaker 1: like a half as job because you know, my room's clean.
Speaker 1: It's that the drawer that you have all those like
Speaker 1: rubber bands and keys and paper clips, that's I have
Speaker 1: a room now. That's that. So it was Kirsten kind
Speaker 1: of clean that she was like so clean she was.
Speaker 1: I mean, it hurt our friendship. I believe it was
Speaker 1: not good. Yeah, she I mean, like, because I was
Speaker 1: so ashamed of myself. It was so embarrassing to be
Speaker 1: a messy person and to have like your friend probably
Speaker 1: talk about it with your other friends and be like,
Speaker 1: it's so bad sharing a lock with her. Like I
Speaker 1: could just sense it was a thing that had been
Speaker 1: harboring in her mind for a while. Well, you know
Speaker 1: my friend Seth we roomed freshman year. Oh yeah, and
Speaker 1: you had a fish in your bed as a prank
Speaker 1: and you didn't. Well, they put anchovies under my bed
Speaker 1: and joke was on them because you didn't. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: was waiting until the end of year when that was
Speaker 1: the anchovies would taste amazing. I don't know how. He
Speaker 1: was so mad that he took all my clothes because
Speaker 1: I was so dirty, put it all and he put
Speaker 1: it out in the hallway. He goes, I'm going to
Speaker 1: burn it. That's where our friendship got, Like he's going
Speaker 1: to burn all your clothes because you're such a fucking
Speaker 1: disaster now, and it's so hard because you just don't
Speaker 1: there's just no way to not be that way. Probably
Speaker 1: whitening it laid throughout high school. I'm gonna blame my locker. Well, no,
Speaker 1: I think you didn't get laid because you had bad
Speaker 1: self esteem, and thus she had a dirty locker because
Speaker 1: of bad self esteem. And then you also have an
Speaker 1: excuse for why you don't get late, because you're like,
Speaker 1: my rooms not clean. These are all things that we do.
Speaker 1: I never had a girl back to, but because my
Speaker 1: rooms not clean, you can't come back. Yes, like I would.
Speaker 1: I would have loved for my parents to be like,
Speaker 1: you can't date boys, so that I would have had
Speaker 1: an excuse why it didn't date boys, or like some
Speaker 1: kind of thing about it. But yeah, I mean I
Speaker 1: made a ton of excuses. I was Jewish, I was short,
Speaker 1: I didn't live I lived an hour away from school,
Speaker 1: so no girl's gonna want to date someone that far away.
Speaker 1: I went in all Christian school, so I had all
Speaker 1: these things in my heads of why I wasn't yeah
Speaker 1: good enough for a girl. Well, you told me about
Speaker 1: this weekend we passed the Bahama Breeze restaurant and you
Speaker 1: said that you had once taken a girl on a
Speaker 1: date there, and I thought it was during your a
Speaker 1: sexual phase and you said it was kind of It's
Speaker 1: all very hazy about Andrew's past. I don't know when
Speaker 1: he was not where. You weren't getting laid, you were
Speaker 1: drinking too much, you had no like, you didn't get
Speaker 1: girls like. But suddenly you're going on a date with
Speaker 1: a beautiful girl at Bahama Breeze, a stripper. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: And I took her. I took her out, We went
Speaker 1: to dinner. It was like a Tuesday. I had one drink.
Speaker 1: I was bringing her home. And know what about the
Speaker 1: other one? The girl where you trying to act cool? Oh,
Speaker 1: that was just a completely different date. I tried to
Speaker 1: be the strong, silent type for a night. She thought
Speaker 1: I hated her. I'm not. I'm not. I guess you
Speaker 1: could kind of read me that I'm not. Like, could
Speaker 1: you imagine if this was no? I bet you you
Speaker 1: just like, no, I bet you you pulled that off.
Speaker 1: But like, there's so many times I think that you
Speaker 1: think someone hates you, and they really like it's the opposite.
Speaker 1: There are so many times I meet people at meeting
Speaker 1: grades and I'm like, Wow, that guy fucking hated me.
Speaker 1: He did not want to be meeting me at all,
Speaker 1: And then he dems me later Like I was so nervous,
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to say. I had so much
Speaker 1: to say to you, and like sends me a tower
Speaker 1: of text. But now I know I know exactly who
Speaker 1: wants to say more than they can in the moment,
Speaker 1: because I get so many things that say afterwards like
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say more,
Speaker 1: and so now I know who has more to say,
Speaker 1: and I kind of look at them a little bit longer,
Speaker 1: like the floor is, like do you want to say anything?
Speaker 1: Like it's okay, but um, it was fun this weekend
Speaker 1: meeting so many did you did you ever go on
Speaker 1: a date and completely not be yourself? I mean maybe
Speaker 1: for four years everyone dates, you know, we're very similar,
Speaker 1: and I can't even believe you asked a girl out
Speaker 1: on a date, Like what was that? Like, I don't know.
Speaker 1: There was the one time where I left the restaurant.
Speaker 1: I called the restaurant after I left to ask her out.
Speaker 1: I mean that was the ever did I goes a
Speaker 1: brown hair girl that was in front there she goes,
Speaker 1: that's it's me, I go, you know, because I saw
Speaker 1: her staring at me. Right, I don't know. I just
Speaker 1: called and got a day from that. I've never done
Speaker 1: anything trying to think if I ever acted a different way.
Speaker 1: I just no, I don't think I ever. I don't
Speaker 1: think I ever tried to be totally different than myself.
Speaker 1: Like a completely like you, acting like like and strong
Speaker 1: silent type is so not you. What what is going
Speaker 1: on with you at that moment? You think that, like
Speaker 1: someone made fun of you for being too goofy or something.
Speaker 1: A girl was like, he's goofy, and so you were like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to choose the other lane. Like what made
Speaker 1: you do that? Was there a guy you were trying
Speaker 1: to emulate? Was there at the time. I think this
Speaker 1: was before I even made money in real estate. So
Speaker 1: and I just had kind of a heart attack kind
Speaker 1: of thing. So I was just kind of getting home,
Speaker 1: and uh, I was like, were you had? You had
Speaker 1: a heart attack and driving car but it was a
Speaker 1: cool car, but it wasn't. I didn't have the money
Speaker 1: for the car, so I was just driving. Disclose You
Speaker 1: act like it was yours. I didn't say it wasn't.
Speaker 1: But I'm not that guy to be like this, But
Speaker 1: you are the guy to be the strong, silent, strong
Speaker 1: silent Yeah, like Clint Eastwood, Oh my god, I would
Speaker 1: kill you. Know what you were like on that date
Speaker 1: to hear the conversation. I'm telling you, I was quiet
Speaker 1: for two hours. So did she talk a little bit
Speaker 1: and you would do one word answers? Yeah, I thought that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And later on you ran into this scroll of years
Speaker 1: later and she was like, did you hate me? Probably
Speaker 1: ran into where you when you're drunk and a little
Speaker 1: bit more like hey, yeah, She's like I thought you
Speaker 1: were a mute. Yeah. I think I put her on
Speaker 1: a pedestal. She was very pretty, yes, And I don't know.
Speaker 1: I was very hungover though too. I think that didn't
Speaker 1: help my choices. Well, I dated someone who I thought
Speaker 1: was like I put on a huge such a pedestal.
Speaker 1: We were friends when I did this person and know
Speaker 1: what you were too, and just thought like I have
Speaker 1: to be I'm gonna I have to like I have
Speaker 1: to fix myself right away because I can't. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna be able to earn this guy and be this
Speaker 1: guy's girlfriend if I'm not like really beautiful, really graceful,
Speaker 1: really like just yeah, And so it was. It was
Speaker 1: so daunting, it was so overwhelming, like I have to
Speaker 1: get a new wardrobe. It was just like I can't
Speaker 1: do this ship it's not gonna work. Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: we have to go to break Yeah. Uh, let's find
Speaker 1: out about it. Yeah, let's find out right after this.
Speaker 1: I'm a lonely man, but I'm strong inside. Then, but
Speaker 1: I'll speak of when he calls me madam and we're back.
Speaker 1: What did you just Oh, you mean a wax figure?
Speaker 1: You said? You asked me you're gonna have a plastic figure. Yeah? Oh,
Speaker 1: did you think I was just talking about more botox?
Speaker 1: Well kind of. I thought like maybe like a little
Speaker 1: action figure or something or something. Yeah, I take it.
Speaker 1: Wonder if anyone can make action figures of us? Um,
Speaker 1: they definitely could. People have three D printers. That's when
Speaker 1: you just throw things out here. I wonder if anyone
Speaker 1: could give me a Ferrari. You're getting a car today?
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm not going today. I'm too tired. I already
Speaker 1: said I can't go shopping for what's a lot of
Speaker 1: paperwork getting a car. I can't deal with it. I
Speaker 1: don't want to do it. I honestly, you have to
Speaker 1: take off. You have to take off four hours of work.
Speaker 1: You have to carve out an entire afternoon. I could
Speaker 1: run a marathon in the time it takes for them
Speaker 1: to facts a couple of pieces of paper to who
Speaker 1: they're just in the back, just hanging out. I think
Speaker 1: they try to make it seem longer. So when you
Speaker 1: paid a forty grand, it seems like it's more official.
Speaker 1: I don't know what. I don't know. I've ranted about
Speaker 1: this before, but what if I'm paying forty grand for something,
Speaker 1: get me in and out, treat me well, Yes, it
Speaker 1: should be like a venmold. You should go, okay, here's
Speaker 1: two initials you feel you fill out the right. I'm
Speaker 1: talking to Chris about this the other day. I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't buy I don't want to buy a car today.
Speaker 1: I don't have the time. I don't have eight hours
Speaker 1: to spare to buy a fucking car. And he said,
Speaker 1: I was trying to buy a car. Um there was
Speaker 1: some there's some football game or something that he wanted
Speaker 1: to watch, some race or something, and he went to
Speaker 1: go buy a car and the guy was like, let's
Speaker 1: do it, and he goes, I need to be done
Speaker 1: by this time. This wouldn't kickoff is And it was
Speaker 1: two hours later and the guy was like, we can't
Speaker 1: get done. He goes, okay, then you just lost a sale.
Speaker 1: It's like, what is this really? What it comes down to?
Speaker 1: If someone's a car dealer, can you fucking tell me?
Speaker 1: Why the funk this takes so long? What are you
Speaker 1: guys doing? Why does it Why is the manager never there?
Speaker 1: Why do you if I'm not financing, if I'm paying cash,
Speaker 1: why the fund does it take so long? You're fucking
Speaker 1: with us. You're trying to make it because there are
Speaker 1: some people that like things to just really they love
Speaker 1: it drawn out thing. These are the people that like
Speaker 1: to wait in line for things because they feel like
Speaker 1: if they wait in line, if they suffer for it,
Speaker 1: much like I was talking about before, then they've somehow
Speaker 1: earned it more. You know what I earned that forty
Speaker 1: dollars I stuff word for the money. I want to
Speaker 1: get my car and drive away. I don't want to
Speaker 1: sit in this stark fucking lobby and sit and talk
Speaker 1: to you about your alcoholism, because as you talk you
Speaker 1: try to relate to me, telling you me how ship
Speaker 1: faced you got last night. I don't want to look
Speaker 1: at the pictures of your stupid kids. I don't want
Speaker 1: to sit there and watch you twiddle with your tie
Speaker 1: and be all sweaty and gross. I don't want you
Speaker 1: to talk to me about some deal you made yesterday
Speaker 1: and about how your boss is so cool and he's
Speaker 1: not a safari right now shooting elephants. I don't give
Speaker 1: a fuck. I want my fucking car, and I don't
Speaker 1: want to go to another office then to talk about
Speaker 1: all the extras you can give me. Why don't you
Speaker 1: tell me about him right here in the desk we're
Speaker 1: sitting out. Why don't we to go to another office?
Speaker 1: And I don't want to add any of your I
Speaker 1: don't want you to offer me a soda. It is
Speaker 1: not interesting that you can get me a soda. Oh
Speaker 1: any soda I want? Oh you don't like I can
Speaker 1: get that myself. I'm paying forty thou dollars, probably dollars
Speaker 1: too much because everything costs way too much. Now you
Speaker 1: can't get a deal to save your fucking life. And
Speaker 1: I what is taking so long? I don't I just
Speaker 1: feel like the strong, silent type right now. God, it
Speaker 1: makes me so mad. I really am not going to
Speaker 1: buy a car because of it. I want, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do that's where you buy one online and
Speaker 1: it just drives up and a guy like gives you
Speaker 1: a clipboard, you sign it, and then you pull off
Speaker 1: in guarantee a car. I guarantee your filling out. You know,
Speaker 1: it's very It's it's like they pull the car off
Speaker 1: the thing. It's that they're trying to eliminate this whole
Speaker 1: thing because it's so annoying. Why do people like to
Speaker 1: waste their time? People look so slow, They look you
Speaker 1: and what's anyone waiting in line? Why? Why are you
Speaker 1: waiting in line for anything to get in? The clubs
Speaker 1: like hammered, like when you want to eat, don't you
Speaker 1: just want to eat? I will never ever wait more
Speaker 1: than fifteen minutes for a table. And the only reason
Speaker 1: I will wait fifteen minutes for a table is because
Speaker 1: I'm with people who are okay with that, and I
Speaker 1: want to be a good guy. I want to be
Speaker 1: a good dinner partner. Otherwise I would walk away and
Speaker 1: go to somewhere else. Waiting in line just it sucks
Speaker 1: because they could get you in, but they're creating the
Speaker 1: illusion of being in demand by making you wait. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, you really just touched the nerve I was.
Speaker 1: I was. I've been to like three different St. Louis
Speaker 1: restaurants that have open tables, and they look at you
Speaker 1: in the eye and they go an hour and a half.
Speaker 1: That is about being understaffed. Don't ruin us, I guess.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing, this is the weird part. They
Speaker 1: don't have reservations. Some places actually don't have Ressi's the
Speaker 1: weird part is they go, I'm not bullishiting like four
Speaker 1: different places has happened. They go, sorry, I won't be
Speaker 1: for a minutes. Swear to god. They sit us in
Speaker 1: three minutes. So I don't know what's happening. I don't
Speaker 1: know what's going on here in St. Louis, where they're
Speaker 1: telling you forty to make you feel better. I will
Speaker 1: always side with waiters and waitresses. When my dad ever goes, well,
Speaker 1: there's a table right there, I go, well, as you've
Speaker 1: never been a waiter. You were a waiter one day
Speaker 1: and then a piece of sweat dripped off your nose
Speaker 1: and went in soup and the guy said to you,
Speaker 1: you're slipping son. No, you're slipping slim is what someone
Speaker 1: said to my dad. And you quit that day. So
Speaker 1: my dad doesn't understand what it's like to have seven
Speaker 1: tables when you can really only handle five and that's
Speaker 1: why they're open tables because they could only get four
Speaker 1: people to work that day. Gen Z doesn't want to work.
Speaker 1: We know that old stereotype. So people call in sick.
Speaker 1: You don't have enough people to have to cover the restaurant. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll handle that. Yeah, I get that's not the way
Speaker 1: is running late. That's the kitchen. And it's not even
Speaker 1: the kitchen s fault. They're understaffed too. They took the manager,
Speaker 1: maybe set too many tables, but they couldn't handle. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm sure there's a car guy just saying all this
Speaker 1: right now to you go. And actually I think but
Speaker 1: I think it's part of their business model. I just
Speaker 1: don't understand why people are like I look outside a
Speaker 1: brunch place and people are just over hanging out in
Speaker 1: the sun waiting for a table. I'm just like, go
Speaker 1: to fucking anywhere else. Do you think they're setting it
Speaker 1: up so it seems like the demand is higher you
Speaker 1: see people outside you say thirty minutes. I think they're
Speaker 1: trying to make it. I think when they do it
Speaker 1: inten they make it seem better. When you see what
Speaker 1: do you go when you see a line where you
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on. You go, what, Yeah, it
Speaker 1: breeds curiosity. It breaths like, oh, other people like this.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna like this too. There is a part of
Speaker 1: that that like makes you go, oh this is this
Speaker 1: is popular if you're waiting in line for it. But
Speaker 1: I just like, I don't. I just hate waiting. I've
Speaker 1: realized in my life, my life is scheduled where I
Speaker 1: have no downtime, just twiddling my thumbs, being on my phone. Like,
Speaker 1: that's why I don't like getting to the airport two
Speaker 1: hours early. I just want to walk straight from the
Speaker 1: t s a right to my gate, get on the plane.
Speaker 1: We had a pilot today first, oh my god, first
Speaker 1: time pilot. We didn't know until we landed. They tell us, Well,
Speaker 1: they told us at the very end we've we landed,
Speaker 1: and he goes, this is our pilots. We just want
Speaker 1: to say that, uh, your pilot today, it is his
Speaker 1: first time flying. He didn't want me to tell you,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna embarrass him a little bit. And I
Speaker 1: go they they didn't want to tell us until we landed.
Speaker 1: I knew going on because I've flown in enough planes
Speaker 1: where it was the first time I was ever in
Speaker 1: a plane, and I started thinking about what happens if
Speaker 1: we go down, Like I stayed calm. I just like
Speaker 1: kept my eyemask on. I was like, I can't do
Speaker 1: anything about this, but I was like, I think this
Speaker 1: plane is going to crash. I have to wrap my
Speaker 1: head around dying right now. It was the first time
Speaker 1: ever felt that way, and it's because and then as
Speaker 1: soon as they told us it was his first flight,
Speaker 1: I was like, Wow, that's all coming together. We landed
Speaker 1: like we fell out of the sky and God dropped
Speaker 1: us on his toe and he goes, fuck. Well, they go,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be uh. I love when they go it's
Speaker 1: gonna be a smooth ride. And then five minutes later
Speaker 1: like hold on for dear life, it's like and the
Speaker 1: takeoff was just like it was a little bit herky jerky.
Speaker 1: And then like a kid the first day, yes, listen,
Speaker 1: you got there's the first time for everything. It sucks.
Speaker 1: That were the guinea pigs of this guy first time.
Speaker 1: I felt bad for the guy because the pilot that
Speaker 1: told us that he was a new pilot told us
Speaker 1: that he was going to make him stand at the
Speaker 1: front so we could all say good job. When clearly
Speaker 1: we landed, So it was I fly every day of
Speaker 1: my life. It was the worst landing that's I've ever
Speaker 1: had felt. It was very I mean the wings while
Speaker 1: we were going down, it didn't bother me. It was
Speaker 1: just a hard It was just you know, like really hard,
Speaker 1: and so you know it's like it's like your bomb
Speaker 1: on stage and you got to stay after and do
Speaker 1: a meet and greet. Like that's how it felt. I
Speaker 1: felt really bad for the guy because he knew he
Speaker 1: didn't do well. It's like my first pitch, Like that
Speaker 1: kid probably flies every day, so well, he's done this
Speaker 1: a million times in preparation for this. It's his first
Speaker 1: day on the job and he fucking curves it to
Speaker 1: the right and it goes in the dirt. And now
Speaker 1: he's got to like go talk to everyone and act
Speaker 1: like he's not embarrassed about it. But that's how you
Speaker 1: get your wings. I mean there's probably something to like, Okay,
Speaker 1: you job, because it was a good job. I mean, like,
Speaker 1: you know, it's a you gotta do everything for the
Speaker 1: first time. He was he was a sweet boy. I
Speaker 1: was like, you just gotta keep getting up. No, I
Speaker 1: think I think there's something too though, like making him
Speaker 1: stand there knowing that it wasn't that good to like build. No.
Speaker 1: I think he was like, no, I wanted you guys
Speaker 1: to congratulate him. I don't think he was trying to
Speaker 1: make him feel bad. I really don't you think that
Speaker 1: pilot was trying to like haze him. Yeah, no way,
Speaker 1: no way. It was supportive. Um. But I I go
Speaker 1: on Twitter. I looked up first pilots, pilots, first flight
Speaker 1: because I thought there's gotta be people tweeting about this
Speaker 1: has happened a lot. And there was a tweet three
Speaker 1: days ago that was like, you, at some point in
Speaker 1: your life have been on a plane. It was the
Speaker 1: pilot's first day. It was some like tweet that was
Speaker 1: like and I'm like, oh my god, it was it
Speaker 1: was the airplane. Was the airplane's first day. We were
Speaker 1: on an airplane. Yeah, they're like, oh, this has any
Speaker 1: I want a plane that still has ash trays and exactly,
Speaker 1: you know those are the safer ones because they've been
Speaker 1: through it. You know. Man, I was going to say
Speaker 1: something even worse. Well, some of the planes now that
Speaker 1: crash were so computerized that the pilot couldn't take control
Speaker 1: back from those are the ones that like nose dived
Speaker 1: what yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm talking about that. No,
Speaker 1: but it is weird when you get on a plane
Speaker 1: and they have ashtrays, they have just um no, like
Speaker 1: no smoking signs, like why do we need to even
Speaker 1: hear that? Just stuff that that was these planes. But
Speaker 1: because they have such good maintenance, they last so long.
Speaker 1: That's why we can fly in planes from the seventies.
Speaker 1: They're being worked on every single day. If you did
Speaker 1: that to your car and replaced everything that needed being replaced,
Speaker 1: it would you know, it would still be working too. Acteen.
Speaker 1: I just saw the video of a guy that just
Speaker 1: lit up a cigarette he was on a plane, and
Speaker 1: it's just it's so foreign now, the fact that you know,
Speaker 1: by someone outside in a blustery field and they're smoking,
Speaker 1: and you go, fuck you, that's like idea, the rudest thing.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, can you imagine I'm playing full of
Speaker 1: fucking smoke. That's why every one looks so fucking old.
Speaker 1: From the sixties, seventies, eighties, it was just smoking constantly.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm around a cigarette one second now and
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh god, like I'm aging. I think crazy
Speaker 1: came back a little bit too. Cigarettes. Yeah, like with
Speaker 1: like teenagers and ship like I mean, jewels trying to
Speaker 1: look cool, like there's something edgy about it with some girl.
Speaker 1: Cigarette it does help cigarette. They were all really cool
Speaker 1: and I wanted one so bad to be cool, but
Speaker 1: I just couldn't, Yeah, because I knew I was just
Speaker 1: going to leave them and be like, oh, cigarette is
Speaker 1: way cooler than give me a headache just thinking about
Speaker 1: I remember I smoked my first cigarette and my mom
Speaker 1: smoked cigarettes, and I stole one was in the bathroom.
Speaker 1: I didn't even know how to light it. Yeah, just
Speaker 1: like just like I saw someone recently and I go, wow,
Speaker 1: she used to have really good skins. Her skins like
Speaker 1: not good anymore, and I didn't know what it was.
Speaker 1: I was just like, oh, you know, smoker. And then
Speaker 1: I saw later on she's addicted to jewels, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: these jewels are not harmless. They make you look, they
Speaker 1: make you sound like this, And a lot of people
Speaker 1: go in the hospital because, yeah, you think you're you're
Speaker 1: getting something better than smoking cigarettes, which I'm sure in
Speaker 1: some way, I mean obviously, but no, you hit the
Speaker 1: thing fucking eight times more than a God, we were
Speaker 1: when we were a F boy the first time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there was a there was a guy that um Robin witnessed,
Speaker 1: you know my hair makeup girl Robin witnessed. He was
Speaker 1: one of the f boys. And she said that he
Speaker 1: was pulling from um a vight pen and that he
Speaker 1: never took a single breath of oxygen. Every single breath
Speaker 1: he took, he would blow it out again, out again.
Speaker 1: She watched him for ten minutes and he did not smoke.
Speaker 1: He did not have one breath of fresh hackets oxygen.
Speaker 1: How fucking insane is that? It was cool he won
Speaker 1: walked through a cloud sometimes and I just out, that's
Speaker 1: my life now, that's how big. Some of the clouds
Speaker 1: were in New York City. Remember a little black box
Speaker 1: on them. Yes, they look like a little hand to
Speaker 1: help in the quarter. Very like smoke come out of those.
Speaker 1: I have no idea, but it's crazy. I literally feel
Speaker 1: like a plane that's trying to land, and it's like
Speaker 1: you don't layd until the very end. And that's how
Speaker 1: I fell inside those clouds. Oh where you're like, where's
Speaker 1: the ground? Yeah? When it's just so much like whatever.
Speaker 1: They has such a good joke about that on his
Speaker 1: special about like landing and like a really really scary
Speaker 1: flight where he literally almost died on a plane on
Speaker 1: a private jet. Um, and it's about that he landed
Speaker 1: in the pilots like we're landing and they're like, please
Speaker 1: don't and they're like, we're going to do it. And
Speaker 1: they land and he gets off the plane and there's
Speaker 1: no he's he goes, there's no other planes, it's like
Speaker 1: and he walks around and he sees like through the
Speaker 1: fog and like these like guys that are just standing
Speaker 1: there like like like to baggage handler guys being like
Speaker 1: your plane just flew fell out of the sky. Like
Speaker 1: and he goes, where's all the planes and they're like,
Speaker 1: we know one. Everyone diverted. We've diverted like a dozen planes.
Speaker 1: You're the only one. And like and then the he
Speaker 1: the joke is like but he turns to the pilot
Speaker 1: and the pilot goes, yeah, the pussy's and he's like smoking.
Speaker 1: But the bin is so funny. But it's like so um,
Speaker 1: it's all up to the pilot's discretion. I mean, like
Speaker 1: Kobe Bryant, we don't know who made the argument to
Speaker 1: like just go through the fog. But if they would
Speaker 1: have just when you see something that you go, maybe
Speaker 1: I might die doing this, but I won't. I'm always
Speaker 1: going to air on the side of I will I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do. That's the opposite of a line like the
Speaker 1: idea that you you gotta get to like a high
Speaker 1: school game, and every don't even matter what, how, what
Speaker 1: how We're going to get there. I don't give a
Speaker 1: shit about any of the costume tape. We're going, yes,
Speaker 1: like so many people just go. And that's how sometimes
Speaker 1: when we were driving on the road, I feel that way,
Speaker 1: Like when we have like a driver who's just like
Speaker 1: in a rush to get something and you're just like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to die because this guy wants to get
Speaker 1: one more uber drive under his belt or something like.
Speaker 1: It's just and then you don't want to say anything
Speaker 1: because you're like, I don't want to make it bad.
Speaker 1: But then you're like, am I gonna die because I
Speaker 1: don't want to make this guy upset? Or I don't
Speaker 1: want to be a backseat driver. It's myself dying like
Speaker 1: that where some guys driving like a fucking asshole and
Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, you know what, I'd still be falling
Speaker 1: off the cliff going I would have taken this turn.
Speaker 1: All right, let's get to the days. Man. Apparently you
Speaker 1: had a good weekend, I heard folks. Maybe he didn't
Speaker 1: so good seeing so many best needs we had all
Speaker 1: the swells. It's Monday as well. Yes, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like like I almost started crying last night when that
Speaker 1: girl was crying. It was it was something. Shout out
Speaker 1: to everyone who came and did the meeting grades and
Speaker 1: came to the shows this weekend. There were so many
Speaker 1: best seas there. We know who you are immediately. You
Speaker 1: don't even have to tell us or be wearing merch.
Speaker 1: You just get a vibe because they're so sweet. So
Speaker 1: many I got so many letters, so many gifts. Um,
Speaker 1: they give you too much ship and some of them
Speaker 1: abandon all right, so fun well. Um. One California couple's
Speaker 1: worst nightmare might be Nikki's dream come true. California couple
Speaker 1: of returns returns home from vacation but find their house
Speaker 1: filled with birds. Hundreds of swallows had invaded the home,
Speaker 1: apparently getting in through the chimney. But owner said, we
Speaker 1: opened the door and it's like an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
Speaker 1: Whoa it's like, oh, that's scary. They look like almost
Speaker 1: like hornets nest because they're like any kind of animal
Speaker 1: just swarming is really really were blinds on top that
Speaker 1: was like it's a decorative like garland that was the
Speaker 1: Christmas decorations. So there's like a window with um, you
Speaker 1: know what are those like blinds? And then at the
Speaker 1: top there it looks like there's just these hordes of
Speaker 1: swallows that look like a bunch of hornets nuts. Oh
Speaker 1: my god. Over three hours to get all the birds
Speaker 1: out of the house, which is currently uninhabitable. The furniture, carpets,
Speaker 1: and blinds were all destroyed, and the worst part is
Speaker 1: that their homeowners insurance won't cover the damage. They have
Speaker 1: an exclusion on the policy in regards to birds. They
Speaker 1: will not pay the claim. Wow, it's like your thing
Speaker 1: with the window Andrew is window bust started by those
Speaker 1: thieves and and the insurance would not cover it. A bird?
Speaker 1: Can you imagine not reading to find like it's like
Speaker 1: pigs we got you, Like, like what is this where birds?
Speaker 1: Like how are birds excluded from this? What's it? Probably
Speaker 1: says like animal infestation, like anything other than termites, like
Speaker 1: maybe the classics and there's probably like some or maybe
Speaker 1: it means it's common. It's so common that the insurance
Speaker 1: policies like, yeah, we're not coming, maybe we don't know
Speaker 1: about how is it common? How many times I've never
Speaker 1: heard this? Insurance companies know, and people that have the
Speaker 1: bird in sestations they don't talk about it. They're too ashamed.
Speaker 1: So that's so many birds, Like you ever see like
Speaker 1: birds they fly together, they fly and then they kind
Speaker 1: of like move like like like smoke like the way
Speaker 1: the same. Have you ever seen bees do that? Any
Speaker 1: kind of animal just like getting together in a group
Speaker 1: is so gross? People, yeah, even yeah people lines don't
Speaker 1: like lines. Why I'm not going back to Marti Gras,
Speaker 1: I'll oh my god. You ever see that where the
Speaker 1: bees will suddenly just like pick a you know, a
Speaker 1: car bumper and just like the corner of it, and
Speaker 1: they just thousands of them in this little patch. It's
Speaker 1: so gross, just blindly in the blind. Yes, I mean
Speaker 1: that's what Marty Gros was. Marty did you ever go
Speaker 1: to Marty Grot? Now in St. Louis, we have the
Speaker 1: second largest one. Do you really is there too? You
Speaker 1: live here? Do we really? Ye? I'll tell you what,
Speaker 1: there's nothing scarier to meet on Bourbon Street and not
Speaker 1: having control of where you're walking, like you're just getting
Speaker 1: pushed and everyone's like like yeah. My sister she once said,
Speaker 1: I for forget where we are going. There was some
Speaker 1: concerts something. She was like, I just don't want to go.
Speaker 1: I just like hate crowds and I go, brother, like,
Speaker 1: I was like, who is like I love crowd people? Really? Yes?
Speaker 1: Why do you think you're come on? You know, people
Speaker 1: like fun and they put up with the crowd, but
Speaker 1: no one likes crowding. People like a crowd. People love
Speaker 1: the energy. I guess it is the same thing of
Speaker 1: people liking lines, like people like things. I cannot under
Speaker 1: does that. Yeah, that is a bizarre s on our Instagram.
Speaker 1: I like New Year's crowds. No, but you know what
Speaker 1: Andrew said last night, like you can tell best our
Speaker 1: besties when we meet them. They're never ones that say
Speaker 1: anything creepy. They're never ones that like pitch us jokes
Speaker 1: that are like really indecent. They never try to grab
Speaker 1: me in a weird way. Besties always are just like
Speaker 1: the nicest, They're just like normal people. I don't think
Speaker 1: our listeners would like crowds. I just trust them to
Speaker 1: be cooler than that. I don't know. It is weird,
Speaker 1: Like there's just a certain type of person that comes
Speaker 1: to my show and will creably rub my back. This
Speaker 1: guy the other night just rubbing my back like this,
Speaker 1: like behind the scenes, just like trying to do something
Speaker 1: to me that I would go, Wow, that one was special.
Speaker 1: I gotta find him again. Like you can tell he's
Speaker 1: just trying to do something. I grabbed like near your
Speaker 1: near your tit, like just close enough to the tit
Speaker 1: where it's like he's kind of touching the tip, but
Speaker 1: you couldn't accuse him of the tip. Yes, yes, it
Speaker 1: was like that aana ariana Grande thing. Yeah, yeah, the
Speaker 1: preacher grabbing like they know right where to grab where.
Speaker 1: It's like you couldn't say anything because they'd be like, well, oh,
Speaker 1: I didn't know suber driver driving hitty. It's it's just
Speaker 1: it's just too much of a hassle to call it out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but bessies never do that. They're always just they just
Speaker 1: say nice things. They they they cry sometimes and they're
Speaker 1: like embarrassed of that. I'm like, no, this is awesome.
Speaker 1: I love your emotions. Don't. But just you don't say
Speaker 1: anything dirty, You're not like I gotta tell you, I
Speaker 1: didn't love this one thing I saw you on, Like
Speaker 1: they always have to say something like you were great,
Speaker 1: But come on where something that you're not pulling down
Speaker 1: the whole time? Can you be a little bit more comfortable.
Speaker 1: I would love to see you in more, something more comfortable.
Speaker 1: On stage, you looked uncomfortable and I'm just like, because
Speaker 1: it didn't fit. Motherfucker, I ate too much last week.
Speaker 1: I am uncomfortable and now I'm even more uncomfortable because
Speaker 1: you're calling it out in front of my friends, Like
Speaker 1: I always have to say something speaking of awesome besties.
Speaker 1: Speaking of awesome besties, we had Rally send us this
Speaker 1: story that is incredible. A woman bought a sculpture at
Speaker 1: Goodwill for thirty and it was actually a missing ancient
Speaker 1: Roman bust dating back two thousand years. How the fund
Speaker 1: did that? Like not telling you how much it's worth.
Speaker 1: I didn't sell it. I'm keeping it. How much was
Speaker 1: it worth? It didn't say, I mean it's pretty much priceless. Um.
Speaker 1: The woman actually is an antique dealer, which makes me
Speaker 1: think that she probably gravitated towards this thing just from
Speaker 1: her intuition, and she bought it in twenty eighteen. It
Speaker 1: had taken years to determine the authenticity of the bust. However,
Speaker 1: after consulting a range of experts, she was able to
Speaker 1: notify the German government of the finding and made arrangement
Speaker 1: to return into the Bavarian Administration of State owned Palaces.
Speaker 1: That yeah, it's like on its way back, I think. Well.
Speaker 1: She first wanted it to be put on displaying her
Speaker 1: home state, and an agreement was eventually made to allow
Speaker 1: the sculpture to be put on exhibit at the San
Speaker 1: Antonio Museum of Art. Okay, and then it's quite alright, No,
Speaker 1: I bet it's just like, no, this is like the
Speaker 1: property of the world or something. I'm selling that evening, right, Yeah, dude,
Speaker 1: just nine thousand years. I do love when you find
Speaker 1: a good deal. I've been like looking for guitars deal
Speaker 1: you got or like a recent good deal. I'd never
Speaker 1: get good deals. I always overpay always. I've never once
Speaker 1: gotten a deal on any literally anything. I'm not kidding you.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't like low balling people. I don't
Speaker 1: like haggling. I like giving people more than what they
Speaker 1: kind of want because people are always just trying to
Speaker 1: make enough money to just like give my kid a lunchable,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, get your kid the pizza lunchable. It's
Speaker 1: on me, Like, I just I don't like being, especially
Speaker 1: people who are like artisans, like haggling people to get
Speaker 1: I don't know what, just if you have enough money,
Speaker 1: just pay what they're asking. Stop this. But I know
Speaker 1: that's how people get rich as being you know. But
Speaker 1: I never a good deal ever. I don't think I've
Speaker 1: ever once said like, oh man, I really got paid
Speaker 1: out for this. I've never seeked it out. I've never
Speaker 1: thought I'm gonna go some and find a deal. I've
Speaker 1: never done that. My mom put the work in. The
Speaker 1: only time I've ever made money back on any investment
Speaker 1: was on accident. What was it? I bought a watch
Speaker 1: and I lost everything and I sold the watch back
Speaker 1: and it and it went up like nine hundred bucks.
Speaker 1: Yeah oh and the website, Yeah you are. But I
Speaker 1: stumbled into that that I've never gone to like go
Speaker 1: daddy and and like, let me think of fucking some
Speaker 1: names that I could give for three dollars. It's not
Speaker 1: good at investing. What about you know, have you ever
Speaker 1: invested in anything that had a good return? No? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've seen where like the guy will like he's like
Speaker 1: I make a hundred fifty a month, and he's like,
Speaker 1: this is what I do. You see this thing that
Speaker 1: sells for two dollars at Walmart, Well it sells for
Speaker 1: four dollars here, so I make that two extra dollars.
Speaker 1: I just buy it in bulk at It's just like,
Speaker 1: what are you? This is your job? And also I
Speaker 1: don't believe you. I don't understand people that sell things
Speaker 1: on posh Mark that I buy. I'm like, you're selling
Speaker 1: the stress for seventeen dollars. You have to ship it,
Speaker 1: so like, I don't know what could you be. I
Speaker 1: guess they're making seventeen dollars, which is worth it, But
Speaker 1: like to me, I don't think I've ever shipped anything
Speaker 1: in the past five years. Going to the post office
Speaker 1: stresses me out so much. I bought a belt today.
Speaker 1: I got a belt arrived today. It was a size
Speaker 1: thirty thirty four and I went to put it around
Speaker 1: my waist and I was like, my thirty nine, Like
Speaker 1: I thought I bought a thirty. I was no, I'm
Speaker 1: just a thirty four. What you thought you were a thirty? No,
Speaker 1: I was an accident. I don't know. I know I
Speaker 1: could return it, but this goes back to the whole
Speaker 1: what do I do? Don't put it? I gotta fucking
Speaker 1: ship and then print a label. I don't have a printer. Like,
Speaker 1: returning things stresses me out. I put another hole in it.
Speaker 1: About four pairs of jeans from Good American, these jeans
Speaker 1: that they just got me one fucking Instagram at I
Speaker 1: bought four pair none of them that no, none of
Speaker 1: them that all one size. They were all too big,
Speaker 1: even though, like because it's Chloe Kardashian and they fucking
Speaker 1: try to make you feel skinnier, so they size it
Speaker 1: in a way where it's like, oh, I'm a size two,
Speaker 1: when really I'm a size fucking eight. And it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: well so you I bought all these genes that none
Speaker 1: of them fit. And I waited and waited and waited,
Speaker 1: and then the second I go, I have I hire
Speaker 1: someone to return them for me, because I'm too stressed
Speaker 1: out to do it myself. I get a text that
Speaker 1: says I just checked and it's past the time. When
Speaker 1: you can return. So I just I just spent five
Speaker 1: on jeans that probably more four pairs of jeans. They
Speaker 1: were like probably six d dollars in jeans. And just
Speaker 1: because I'm lazy I cannot buy things. I will not
Speaker 1: return them. I will not return them. What's wrong with
Speaker 1: me to think? Like someone buys jeans that are too
Speaker 1: big and and you're like, I'll I just gotta get
Speaker 1: fat now, Like I just got like part of me.
Speaker 1: I had a I had a thought, ID go, oh,
Speaker 1: just I'll just you know what, I'll just work out
Speaker 1: more and get into the thirty. I will never fit.
Speaker 1: Like for a second there, I was like I could
Speaker 1: get into a thirty. Yes, I would have to put
Speaker 1: a hole. I'd have to extend it and put a hole. Right,
Speaker 1: you have to kill a cow, stry out the hide
Speaker 1: and attach more about Do you imagine if we lived
Speaker 1: in those times where you had to like fucking it
Speaker 1: would be nice because when you've got something, you would
Speaker 1: keep it forever. You would like honor it. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Well one of the best see this weekend.
Speaker 1: I saw her and I go, oh my god, this
Speaker 1: outfits amazing, And I go, where did you get these cheans.
Speaker 1: She goes, I rent my clothes and I go rent
Speaker 1: the runway. I've been seeing these fucking on rent the
Speaker 1: runway and she goes, No, this other rent and she
Speaker 1: sent me her code. I got off my first month.
Speaker 1: I'm renting clothes from now on. I don't want to
Speaker 1: deal with any more new clothes. But that's so easy.
Speaker 1: It's there's literally we have a FedEx drop off downstairs.
Speaker 1: You just throw the ship in the bag, unwashed. They
Speaker 1: give you the label, You flip the label. That is
Speaker 1: that I can do standing in line at the post
Speaker 1: office and then having them type in the zip code.
Speaker 1: Do you want to buy insurance for this? Do you
Speaker 1: want confirmation? Do you want like packaging it? Wrapping it
Speaker 1: and bubbled? Like my mom's so good at that stuff
Speaker 1: she ships. She goes to post on us every day.
Speaker 1: She kind of like loves it. I don't understand it.
Speaker 1: I can't get it. I mean, I think an at
Speaker 1: home printer could help, right, But then you have to
Speaker 1: call them. You have to tap the label, and then
Speaker 1: they can never find tape. And if I do find
Speaker 1: the tape, that it doesn't I can't get peel it
Speaker 1: off because it's stuck in a way that it looks
Speaker 1: like it doesn't even have an end to it. Do
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying? And then I get stressed,
Speaker 1: and then I peel off little pieces of the tape
Speaker 1: and I try to make it. It's a nightmare. I
Speaker 1: can't do it. This is my A d D. This
Speaker 1: is like my dirty locker thing. I cannot cannot return things,
Speaker 1: I cannot ship things. I'm incapable of it. It stresses
Speaker 1: me out. I feel like I'm gonna get arrested when
Speaker 1: I go there because I'm gonna be doing it. Feels
Speaker 1: like I'm going through customs. It's too the company by
Speaker 1: returning it, it's like, you know, I feel like they're
Speaker 1: going to get and go. No, we can tell your
Speaker 1: fingerprints have been on this and you have dirty vagina
Speaker 1: smelling pussy fingers or something like. They'll just be like
Speaker 1: this smells gross because it was in your room once.
Speaker 1: This was really funny too. I got dressed Jues with
Speaker 1: I got I finally got dressed. Shoes as a year
Speaker 1: old man there too slippery to walk. I don't know
Speaker 1: who's walking in these things. I can't. I literally put
Speaker 1: them on, and I felt like it was like slick shoes,
Speaker 1: like it was a prank. Oh my god, both those
Speaker 1: things on your shoes. And there's like a in the
Speaker 1: in the nineties, there was a workout thing where it
Speaker 1: would be like a a flat surface. And I don't
Speaker 1: know what to do. Take them to your class. I
Speaker 1: think what you gotta do is I think I gotta
Speaker 1: wear them outs. I gotta scuff them up. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: to a shoemaker, a cobbler and put rubber because they're
Speaker 1: probably wooden bottoms. Right, Yes, what do you do? What
Speaker 1: does shoe doesn't come wearable? Did you get a good
Speaker 1: deal on these shoes? I mean they weren't that expensive.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying the company because they haven't sent me
Speaker 1: my boots yet and it's been fucking seven days and
Speaker 1: I can't get it. They're trying to scuff them up
Speaker 1: there to give him time. You know, with videos, I
Speaker 1: love a horse getting his shoes taken off. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's me watching wart videos. Dude. It's scraping out.
Speaker 1: It's like extracting this like stuff that is that's wart videos.
Speaker 1: You like watching those hoof videos. You're no different from me.
Speaker 1: I just go about it a different way. That is
Speaker 1: the same kind of thing. It's like hard, like like
Speaker 1: getting dirt out and all that, like whatever that crusty
Speaker 1: stuff is. Okay, we gotta go to break. Let's go
Speaker 1: back with why do I care? Why do I care?
Speaker 1: Why do I care? Joe Alwyn reveals how Taylor Swift
Speaker 1: feels about his racy scenes in conversations with friends. Really,
Speaker 1: I thought she's cool about it. He does not ever
Speaker 1: say anything about her. So this, let me guess whatever
Speaker 1: he said, no offense, I love you so much, but
Speaker 1: you scripted this. So let's hear what Taylor had to
Speaker 1: say through Joe's mouth, because there it's true. That's they
Speaker 1: both collaborate together and they come up with exactly what
Speaker 1: they're saying. Well, no, because they keep everything hard and
Speaker 1: it's a good movie. It's a great way to advertise
Speaker 1: the movie without advertising the movie. Okay, but go ahead,
Speaker 1: all right, it's he says, I mean, she's read the
Speaker 1: book and she loves the book. She knows it. He
Speaker 1: told extra. She just like couldn't be a bigger fan
Speaker 1: of the project. Okay, So nothing, he said nothing exactly.
Speaker 1: That's what they always They never say anything about their relationship.
Speaker 1: I respect it. I love it because they're just they're
Speaker 1: not doing it for publicity. If they were, they would
Speaker 1: do what ben Affleck and j Lo do and have
Speaker 1: paparazzi shoot them touring houses on the beach, like they
Speaker 1: called the paparazzi to let them know when they're we're
Speaker 1: going to take our daughter to the bat and cage
Speaker 1: like that's that's a couple that loves being in the press.
Speaker 1: Taylor Swift doesn't wants to keep this separate. Now do
Speaker 1: you think Taylor ten years from now would do something
Speaker 1: like that? Ten year Swift? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Do you think it's because no, no, no, no. I
Speaker 1: think she in the past, she's done stuff. I think
Speaker 1: in the past when she was less mature, she definitely
Speaker 1: was okay with like being paparazz seed, but then she
Speaker 1: really is it ruins relationships. I'm just thinking that if
Speaker 1: you're on if your career is, you know, deflating at all,
Speaker 1: you would try to do something like that, or while
Speaker 1: you're coming out. Girl does not have a hard time
Speaker 1: going away. And I know that's maybe because you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: she doesn't need to worry. She has fans a lot
Speaker 1: of times though when people are super popular, they worry
Speaker 1: they're gonna lose it, so they keep going. I mean
Speaker 1: I relate to that. I'd be scared to go away
Speaker 1: even if I was super famous, because I'd be like,
Speaker 1: they'll forget about me. She went away for a whole year.
Speaker 1: We haven't really heard from her for a really long
Speaker 1: time now, even um, she didn't go to the met gala.
Speaker 1: You know, she was invited. Like, there's something about that
Speaker 1: I really respect because I'm like, she's turning down opportunities
Speaker 1: for us to all look at her and admire her
Speaker 1: and for her name to be in the press. And yeah,
Speaker 1: her name is getting in the press because her boyfriend's
Speaker 1: doing an article. Because we will take anything we can
Speaker 1: get because she's not giving us anything. Do I think
Speaker 1: that's a tactic? No, I don't, Andrew, I don't. All right,
Speaker 1: let's get to top one, bottom one. The category today
Speaker 1: is friends. Top one, bottom one friends. Unbelievable. No, no, No,
Speaker 1: that would be fun too. Yeah, I mean I think
Speaker 1: that's everyone. That would be an interesting one. Actually we
Speaker 1: could do both. Okay, So um, let's start with your
Speaker 1: bottom friend, the worst friend you've ever had, and you
Speaker 1: don't say their name. I want to know Ross not
Speaker 1: from the show Friends is also himself to know this
Speaker 1: guy Ross Sullivan. I think his name was Ross Sullivan.
Speaker 1: He was just kid and we were kind of friendly.
Speaker 1: Ross and Claire. Yeah, that's his real name. Coming at you.
Speaker 1: Maybe we shouldn't um turn it up his last name.
Speaker 1: Make sure you just really really crystal clear. Yeah, let's
Speaker 1: get that like spatial audio for that. So we were
Speaker 1: friendly in high school. He was a year older than me.
Speaker 1: He was tall and very skinny, and I was very
Speaker 1: small at the time, and we were friendly, and I
Speaker 1: had a little bit of a big mouth for a
Speaker 1: small kid, like I was funny. Uh yeah, it was bigger.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's bigger then it was, it's close.
Speaker 1: So yeah, my tongue was still the mouth was smaller
Speaker 1: for that sense, as in like you couldn't open I know,
Speaker 1: I wish so too. I'm trying not to say like,
Speaker 1: okay um so uh no one day you've just released.
Speaker 1: Now that you've said it, we're listening for likes, but
Speaker 1: try not to say like the rest of the episode.
Speaker 1: Let's let's all try okay um similar as uh so
Speaker 1: um we were in I can't do it whatever. So
Speaker 1: we were in the after gym or whatever. He got
Speaker 1: in my face and he was he called me like,
Speaker 1: he's like, funk your Like he went off on me,
Speaker 1: like to a bully, to an extent that you won't
Speaker 1: fucking do ship. You know, it was your friend. Initially
Speaker 1: he was my friend? Why did he turn on you?
Speaker 1: What happened? He was just mad at himself for being
Speaker 1: so skinny. I think like he was, so did you
Speaker 1: say something? Probably like just jokingly. Honestly, thinking back at
Speaker 1: the story, it was kind of out of nowhere. Maybe
Speaker 1: we're all kind of rassing each other. But I remember
Speaker 1: just sitting down. I was sitting down in the locker
Speaker 1: room and he was standing above me and he's like,
Speaker 1: you're fucking pussy. You won't do ship. Yeah, you're just
Speaker 1: gonna sit there. And I just remember it's one of
Speaker 1: those moments where I was like, how am I not
Speaker 1: fighting for myself right now? And it was like and
Speaker 1: he's calling me out and I want to fight, but
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose and like but and he
Speaker 1: was like like just went in like you fucking je
Speaker 1: fuck your mom, fuck you, like like everything. People hear
Speaker 1: it and they were like Yeah. There were like two
Speaker 1: other people in there, and I remember so they were
Speaker 1: like witnesses to me being a little bit and I
Speaker 1: was like, I know, I just remember looking down like
Speaker 1: if I just want to fuck, I gotta fight, I
Speaker 1: gotta fun. And I didn't fight. And then I remember
Speaker 1: seeing him at a party like five years later, and
Speaker 1: I was jacked then and I was like, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: fucking kill him, like I wanted to. I still like
Speaker 1: was I don't know, like I envisioned just murdering him
Speaker 1: at this party and at that point I could, you know,
Speaker 1: And what happened. My buddy talked me out of doing
Speaker 1: He's just like, dude, it's not worth it. Also, you're
Speaker 1: fighting over something that happened. It's just a weird thing.
Speaker 1: I'm friend my honor. No, I haven't talked. I've never talked.
Speaker 1: I never talked to him after that. Yeah, said times,
Speaker 1: but I stopped keeping trying. Yeah, yeah, we forgot. You
Speaker 1: know what, do you have a bad friend? Um? I
Speaker 1: don't care. Okay, so currently I don't have any bad friends,
Speaker 1: but I feel like we would not be listening someone
Speaker 1: that we were still friends with. Yeah. Yeah, so, um,
Speaker 1: this was the thing that made this person a bad
Speaker 1: friend is that I let them into my life and
Speaker 1: they slowly cannibalized all I had to offer and then
Speaker 1: they shut me out of it, meaning they became friends
Speaker 1: with all my friends. And then you know, like I
Speaker 1: made sure to invite her because she she didn't have
Speaker 1: that many friends, um, and I and I invited her along,
Speaker 1: you know, come come hang out with us, comes in
Speaker 1: in on this podcast with us, come do all these things.
Speaker 1: And then slowly I find out that, oh, you all
Speaker 1: hung out this weekend and nobody invited me. And I
Speaker 1: would always like I just had to stop being friends
Speaker 1: with her, and I did, and I told my friends.
Speaker 1: I was like, um, because we did a podcast together,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I can't have her on the podcast
Speaker 1: anymore because I don't want anything to do with her.
Speaker 1: And she she would talk about me behind my back.
Speaker 1: I didn't even like all I was was just giving
Speaker 1: to her. In my opinion, I was there was something else,
Speaker 1: but it was, you know, she was just like the
Speaker 1: type of person that would take and take and take
Speaker 1: and take. But she had a lot of yeah, and
Speaker 1: she and she had a lot to entice my friends with,
Speaker 1: Like she had her own house, she had a car
Speaker 1: that she would drive everyone around. She had Did you
Speaker 1: ever really like her? Though? Because I feel like these
Speaker 1: a lot of these relationships. Did you did? What did
Speaker 1: you like about her? What drew you to her? In
Speaker 1: the beginning, she was very like just a naturally funny
Speaker 1: and bombastic person, just really loud. She was a big
Speaker 1: fan of radio, and I was working in radio, and
Speaker 1: she know, she loved listening to Opie and Anthony and
Speaker 1: I would tell her stories what was happening down the hall.
Speaker 1: So she just loved to hear that stuff. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: you know, and and she was just like a girl
Speaker 1: that I had never been friends with before. Um. She
Speaker 1: also had this weird, like crazy sexual side. She'd like
Speaker 1: joined this website called collar Me, and she would tell
Speaker 1: me about all these like strange interesting friend and treated
Speaker 1: like a dog. Is that what happened? Well? I feel
Speaker 1: like eventually she tried to like dominate me, you know,
Speaker 1: because it was just in my personality. You'd be the collar.
Speaker 1: I yeah, I was the bottom. She was the top.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, So glad, Yeah, what's she doing now?
Speaker 1: Like do you still you did you block her? Do
Speaker 1: you think about her? Ever? My friends stayed friends with her,
Speaker 1: which I had to accept um, and I couldn't fault
Speaker 1: them for why didn't she do it to them too?
Speaker 1: Or did she? I don't know? Or is there something
Speaker 1: wrong with you? Kidding? Yeah, there's a lot wrong with me,
Speaker 1: know it's You're the nicest. Ever I can't I can't
Speaker 1: imagine someone not being friends with you. It doesn't make
Speaker 1: sense to me. At the same token, this was like
Speaker 1: in my late twenties, and I was not emotionally intelligent
Speaker 1: at all, So I don't know. I could have been
Speaker 1: doing or saying something without even realizing it. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: and then never have a conversation with her, never just
Speaker 1: ghosted each other and just never spoke again. I have
Speaker 1: a lot of adult friends lately who have um had girls,
Speaker 1: you know, mostly women who have girlfriends, who all they
Speaker 1: do is bitch about them. All they do is complain
Speaker 1: about these friends doing their things, taking advantage of them,
Speaker 1: stealing from them in myrriad ways, and just just being rude,
Speaker 1: being just taking and taking taking, And these people are
Speaker 1: very cunning and they're good at what they do because
Speaker 1: that's how they've gotten by in life. Is like being
Speaker 1: your friend, get like showering you with affection and then
Speaker 1: taking and taking, digging and always making things seem like
Speaker 1: it's your fault, and like I had one friend. I'm
Speaker 1: not joking. This is a real story. Her friend was
Speaker 1: staying at her house because she had found out she
Speaker 1: was like uh in it, Like she reached out to
Speaker 1: her friend because she knew her my friend was in
Speaker 1: the city even though she was like on vacation there
Speaker 1: or like staying with someone at this like awesome house,
Speaker 1: and she knew my friend was there. She just reached
Speaker 1: out randomly to be like just thinking of you. She was,
Speaker 1: what are you up to? And my friends like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm actually in you know, San Antonio. Where where the
Speaker 1: fun she was? And she was, I'm here too, I
Speaker 1: knew she was there. Oh my god, my hotel just
Speaker 1: fell through, like all this crazy coincidences. Needs a place
Speaker 1: to stay, of course, she's so she gets my friend
Speaker 1: to let her stay at the place she's staying at
Speaker 1: because the places her boyfriends, and so my friend is
Speaker 1: able to offer a room, and so she does. And
Speaker 1: then this is not a separate occurrence. This friend stayed
Speaker 1: at my friend's place while she was out of town.
Speaker 1: A pair of shoes arrived from Zara a package, She
Speaker 1: opened the shoes and wore them. Has anyone ever heard
Speaker 1: of anything like this? And this person remained friends with her,
Speaker 1: and because she kept always this girl was so good
Speaker 1: and making it seem like she was doing nothing wrong.
Speaker 1: She didn't understand. Oh no, I didn't know that would
Speaker 1: hurt you steal from her constantly jewelry would go missing,
Speaker 1: and then she would see her friend wearing and be like, no,
Speaker 1: you lent this to meet ship like that, And it
Speaker 1: was like it just happened recently where I told her
Speaker 1: because she was talking about this friend, and I go,
Speaker 1: you gotta be done with this. I can't be I
Speaker 1: honestly can't be friends with someone who gets mistreated this way.
Speaker 1: Like I'll say something on my podcast and hopefully this
Speaker 1: girl hearst. Who's your your bottom friend? My bottom friend?
Speaker 1: I mean, I have a couple that are just too
Speaker 1: I just don't want that. I don't want them back
Speaker 1: in my life, so I don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: them on here. I have actually several that you just
Speaker 1: have to Eventually you just realize like, oh this is
Speaker 1: this friendship is not doesn't go both ways. Things are
Speaker 1: not think uh, this person or you just realize I
Speaker 1: don't think I like this person. I don't really like
Speaker 1: hanging out with them. I hang out with them at
Speaker 1: an obligation to be nice, and that's not good enough.
Speaker 1: Like it is nice for you to be nice to
Speaker 1: people that need friends, to go visit old people who
Speaker 1: are you know, stuck inside. And if someone has the
Speaker 1: ability to make friends and it's just a bad friend,
Speaker 1: never ask you about yourself. When they do, they make
Speaker 1: it about themselves. All of these things that's on them.
Speaker 1: Free yourself. It is not up to you to remain
Speaker 1: friends with that person. It took me a long time
Speaker 1: to do that. You don't have to tell this person anything.
Speaker 1: You can do what a friend did to me one
Speaker 1: time when she didn't want to be friends with me
Speaker 1: anymore and said, Babe, I just need some space right now.
Speaker 1: That is a gentle way to let someone down in
Speaker 1: a way that's like I just need space from you.
Speaker 1: And then that space can there's no time limit, so
Speaker 1: you can just that can last forever. So I've used that.
Speaker 1: That was used on me once before. And then the
Speaker 1: worst friend I ever had, though was like my uh
Speaker 1: was this girl in third grade who was like best
Speaker 1: friends with my best friend, and she convinced my best
Speaker 1: friend to like hate me and tell the class that
Speaker 1: I went to bed and called me a bit and
Speaker 1: all this stuff. And she's a third grade though. I
Speaker 1: mean that, But that was my first like they were
Speaker 1: my only friends, and then I had no friends, and
Speaker 1: then then God Curson came along. But yeah, that was
Speaker 1: and then um and then my least favorite friend from
Speaker 1: the show Friends is Phoebe and Joey because they literally
Speaker 1: buy the I don't know fifth season are If you
Speaker 1: had a friend that was that stupid, you would say
Speaker 1: they're they've an explo is to lead or they had
Speaker 1: many traumatic brain injuries. You would not remain friends with
Speaker 1: someone that was that dumb. And I just hate how
Speaker 1: dumb they are and how like they're kind of like
Speaker 1: mean and they don't really like they're just stupid all
Speaker 1: the time, and I'm like, why are you guys hanging
Speaker 1: out with these people? And also Monica sucks too, like
Speaker 1: she's always just yelling about everything and like don't don't
Speaker 1: put your back there, and Rachel, you do this. It's
Speaker 1: just like you suck. You're always like you're too O
Speaker 1: C D. Help. Maybe I don't like any of them,
Speaker 1: kar I don't mean Ross was like a little why
Speaker 1: I love Ross even though he was a whiny bit.
Speaker 1: He does like dinosaurs and Rachel was a liar. They
Speaker 1: all lie to each other. No show can exist without
Speaker 1: lies being told all the time. It sitcoms normalized lying
Speaker 1: and lying is unacceptable. Friendships relationships just don't you just
Speaker 1: don't need to lie. And like, I'm so tired of
Speaker 1: watching like quote unquote good friendships, The New Girl, any
Speaker 1: show there's just constantly lies being told. I understandingly a
Speaker 1: thirty Rock or a Veep where these characters are inherently
Speaker 1: kind of like in bad businesses where you're supposed to
Speaker 1: lie and that's what it's about. But when it's supposed
Speaker 1: to be like we love these people and we want
Speaker 1: to mimic their lives, that is not good to have
Speaker 1: them constantly lying. You can have a storyline without lies.
Speaker 1: What was your best friend? I have like for to decade,
Speaker 1: I have like a new one, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: So like I have my middle school, my high school,
Speaker 1: pick one. And why this is tough because I have
Speaker 1: a lot of really good friends. They're all they're all
Speaker 1: like they've been nominated. There's a camera on each of
Speaker 1: them right now, waiting to hear who you're going to choose,
Speaker 1: and they're gonna all have to applaud politely. Do you
Speaker 1: remember on my Space you had like friend that was
Speaker 1: very Yeah, yes, I would have to say, yeah, that's
Speaker 1: oh man, this is tough. I would have to go
Speaker 1: with Danny Colin Trail. I don't I've never even heard
Speaker 1: that name. That's how good of a friend he is.
Speaker 1: You respect so much. Yeah, except for right now. No,
Speaker 1: he's I've told you about Danny. He's done. He's from
Speaker 1: the Irish Catholic family. He went to West Point. I've
Speaker 1: told you. I lived at his house. Maybe you're the
Speaker 1: least told you about him. We'd have sleepovers. He's the
Speaker 1: one that fucking they found. No, I actually I can't
Speaker 1: tell that story. But what do you like about him?
Speaker 1: Why is he your top friend? Well, they took me
Speaker 1: in like as a family kind of when my parents
Speaker 1: were fighting so much and they were closer to my
Speaker 1: high school, and he was like the coolest kid. He
Speaker 1: was the quarterback, he was the point guard. He actually
Speaker 1: runs an air conditioning company and is very successful and
Speaker 1: has three kids. He went to west Port, he spent
Speaker 1: two years in Afghanistan, Like yeah, he was always like
Speaker 1: way better. This is a good friend, Like he his
Speaker 1: family like took you in when you worked down and out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then he's like one of these friends where I
Speaker 1: call him and it's nothing but laughs. We we we
Speaker 1: catch up right, Like there's no I've never had a
Speaker 1: conversation with him where it was like awkward or anything.
Speaker 1: It's just silly and NonStop laughter. And if I needed
Speaker 1: money or if I needed like if I really needed something,
Speaker 1: it wouldn't even be a it wouldn't even I wouldn't
Speaker 1: even have to say more than three words for like
Speaker 1: there to be like a venmo coming at me, like
Speaker 1: or like you know of three of them are but
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, it's just like one of
Speaker 1: those things you just you're just it's it's just you
Speaker 1: mold so well together that it's it's not really like
Speaker 1: shot the bet on this well he funked up when
Speaker 1: he tried to you know, Ari and I are actually
Speaker 1: speaking like we were always very a little bit competitive
Speaker 1: in a good way, in a fun way about like friends.
Speaker 1: Because you go to New York, you get into the
Speaker 1: open mic world, you know what I mean, And then
Speaker 1: it's like, then you could actually get a little bit
Speaker 1: of jealousy if one gets on a show and there's
Speaker 1: that a whole that ship, and then one's hanging out
Speaker 1: with this comic one because like and yeah, there's there's
Speaker 1: competition when you're in the same industry as your friend.
Speaker 1: There tends to be that. Yeah, but I love I mean,
Speaker 1: Ari would be, he'd be you know, no, but he's
Speaker 1: up there. Top five. Yeah is amazing. Yeah, final thoughts
Speaker 1: your best friend? Who your best friend? Okay it's not
Speaker 1: best Yeah, we couldn't. So I think of like top
Speaker 1: shelf friends, which is a term that Nikki coined. Yes, um,
Speaker 1: so I have a lot of top friends. I'm going
Speaker 1: to choose my friend Monica, and it's because she came
Speaker 1: into my life when I only had like one other girlfriend.
Speaker 1: I was like in the metal scene. I was hanging
Speaker 1: out with a lot of dudes, and Monica is like
Speaker 1: this like fairy that came into my life. She was
Speaker 1: so like feminine and giggly, and she was so positive
Speaker 1: all the time, even when something bad happened. The way
Speaker 1: she would talk about it was so funny that she
Speaker 1: she taught me this is what it's like to be
Speaker 1: positive and like not mad at the world and be feminine.
Speaker 1: And we had one like really great night where we
Speaker 1: got so high and we went out and she took
Speaker 1: me to like a bar that I would never go to,
Speaker 1: and we met these guys, We got in a car
Speaker 1: with them, we got to we went to another bar.
Speaker 1: We were just like, what the fund do we do?
Speaker 1: And we just had so much fun talking about it
Speaker 1: the rest of the night. Um, and she's my top
Speaker 1: friend because she she she she kind of gave me
Speaker 1: an example of something that I wanted to aspire to be,
Speaker 1: which was a lot which a positive, less pessimist and
Speaker 1: adventurous and just like saying yes to things. Yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: and just like being bubbly and unbeat. That's a friend
Speaker 1: that pushes you to be better. That's a great fucking friend.
Speaker 1: Fuck without the intention, Yeah, yeah, without yes, yes, just
Speaker 1: by doing just by action an example. Yeah, that's kind
Speaker 1: of like your friend Andrew, because you said that he
Speaker 1: was like the quarterback and his family was really close.
Speaker 1: To be yeah, to be better, and also to like
Speaker 1: not fucking whine about ship. He I've never heard him
Speaker 1: complain even when he was going like I've never heard him,
Speaker 1: he's never once been like is almost to a fault probably,
Speaker 1: but a really good friend. I'll say, um, Sabrina Jelise
Speaker 1: because in the tone of like what we're talking about,
Speaker 1: she was a friend that like because I was going
Speaker 1: to pick some uh I was. I was kind of
Speaker 1: thinking of people who even before they met me, they
Speaker 1: were already like my best friend. And there's a couple
Speaker 1: of people like that, like Schumer, Sabrine, and then a
Speaker 1: couple of girls that I've met through um, you know,
Speaker 1: like eating disorder recovery. But I met her in person
Speaker 1: before when we became friends. Sabrina and I became had
Speaker 1: a correspondence relationship where we became best friends through the
Speaker 1: mail and my Space. Oh, I didn't know the best
Speaker 1: friends with them before we met, like we were already
Speaker 1: best friends and we were saying best friends, you know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I met Sabrina my I guess it was two
Speaker 1: thousand five on my Space. She found me in a
Speaker 1: Sarah Silverman fan club on my Space and she saw
Speaker 1: my picture and like members of like the you know,
Speaker 1: you could be like a fan page, and she found
Speaker 1: me in the pictures and I had like I was
Speaker 1: holding a microphone in my picture, and she was like,
Speaker 1: who's this bitch? Because we were both young comedians. She
Speaker 1: lived in Toronto, and she clicked on my picture and
Speaker 1: then I think she sent me a message or I said,
Speaker 1: like somehow we send each other messages. Then we send
Speaker 1: each other are like demo tapes, like our like our
Speaker 1: stand up tapes, because we didn't have stand up online
Speaker 1: at that point. This was two thousand five. I was
Speaker 1: still in college. We mailed it in the mail, I know,
Speaker 1: back in the day. I don't know how I did that,
Speaker 1: but she I was just I was obsessed with her
Speaker 1: and she was so funny. We stuck on the phone
Speaker 1: all the time. She got me, She got me through
Speaker 1: really hard breakup. She would send me videos just to
Speaker 1: like make me happy and laugh, and like she would
Speaker 1: just like play songs about when I was going through
Speaker 1: the peat Lee breakup. She sent me this song that
Speaker 1: was like she had her friend play guitar and she
Speaker 1: just like rapped on this song that was so funny
Speaker 1: and just so uplifting. She would send me the care
Speaker 1: packages and she just became my best friend overnight, and
Speaker 1: um and I helped her. Her dog was attacked one
Speaker 1: day and like almost died, and we were just there
Speaker 1: for each other during like really trying times and um
Speaker 1: and then uh, and then I finally met her when um,
Speaker 1: two thousand seven, I went to the Montreal Comedy Festival
Speaker 1: and she went there to like from Toronto to go
Speaker 1: hang out. I think she was maybe doing some shows there,
Speaker 1: but I remember I got in the night before and
Speaker 1: I went to her hotel room because I didn't have
Speaker 1: one yet, and I showed up at the door and
Speaker 1: she opened the door, and I was like, and I
Speaker 1: think I said, oh my god, this is what it
Speaker 1: looks like when you talk. Like we were just both like,
Speaker 1: so I love you, and then um, yeah, it was
Speaker 1: just the best night we Like I instantly like knew her,
Speaker 1: like as soon as she opened the door, we were
Speaker 1: best friends. And it was the same for Amy too,
Speaker 1: Like Amy and I met on my Space and didn't
Speaker 1: meet until actually that same festival, Montreal Comedy Festival, because
Speaker 1: she was there too as a new Face and we
Speaker 1: met in the lobby of the Hyatt And you know,
Speaker 1: you're on the same new Face show as Amy. I
Speaker 1: know you're on the same line, like the same one.
Speaker 1: And she was already blowing up because she was on
Speaker 1: Last Coming Standing that season, but I had met her
Speaker 1: before she was on Last Coming Standing. I had been
Speaker 1: on Last Come and Standing before she had. But she
Speaker 1: made it to the top ten. I only made a
Speaker 1: top forty I think the year before her. How did
Speaker 1: you do on that show? Because forty? No? No, no no?
Speaker 1: How did you do on the JFL? Oh did not well? No?
Speaker 1: I was like antorectic. I was drunk every night. I
Speaker 1: had fainted on stage preparing to go there. I was
Speaker 1: just so nervous and I um. I had a joke
Speaker 1: at the time that was like, did you guys know
Speaker 1: that there's this website that you type in your zip
Speaker 1: code and it tells you every sexual offender in your
Speaker 1: area MySpace dot com or no match dot com. That
Speaker 1: was the joke. And Robbie Prau, who was the head
Speaker 1: of the Just for Laughs at the time, was like,
Speaker 1: we for us match dot com is not a thing
Speaker 1: here in Canada. That joke is not going to work.
Speaker 1: He was my opener. He was like, you got to
Speaker 1: say Facebook, that's it'll work for Facebook because your Facebook
Speaker 1: is like what it will work? And I was just
Speaker 1: I would not do it. I just didn't trust him.
Speaker 1: I couldn't understand how Facebook would ever be, but it
Speaker 1: does in Canada. It did. He was right, and I
Speaker 1: didn't say it, and it just set me up to
Speaker 1: like have a bad set the rest of the time.
Speaker 1: I should have trusted him. You do have to change
Speaker 1: jokes and can go to Canada, like you. They they
Speaker 1: can get some of our references. But it helps to
Speaker 1: say grade eleven instead of you know, eleventh grade. If
Speaker 1: you said Facebook and you said match and you're like
Speaker 1: on Facebook and Facebook like you try to like recover,
Speaker 1: I can see. Yeah, honestly, that would have worked if
Speaker 1: you're just honest about it. Yeah. If I would have
Speaker 1: just even come out and said, like I'm bombing and
Speaker 1: I'm too skinny and I don't know what I'm doing here,
Speaker 1: that would have I would have killed. But it was
Speaker 1: just like this awkward set. There's so much pressure. I
Speaker 1: was also in the same lineup as Kurt Metzker, Tommy
Speaker 1: John Agan, Tom Segura, Amy Scher. It was this one
Speaker 1: guy that's the most famous fucking comedian in the UK,
Speaker 1: like he is in He's worldly famous and he was
Speaker 1: at the time too. This woman that was like in
Speaker 1: her seventies or something Tom Papa was our MC because
Speaker 1: there's always like a famous comedian who does the m seeing.
Speaker 1: But it was just I mean it was it was insane.
Speaker 1: I mean that's as Julian McCullough who else was on it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was. This is like you're for those who don't know,
Speaker 1: just for Laps is the comedy festival in Montreal. And
Speaker 1: if you get the Montreal Comedy Festival as a new face,
Speaker 1: it's like your introduction. That's like your you know, Kin
Speaker 1: Sierra for show business. There's all these agents there and
Speaker 1: you are the fresh talent and this is your first,
Speaker 1: first like audition for the industry, and there's so much
Speaker 1: pressure for this one set that you do, and you're
Speaker 1: kind of pitted against whoever else is in your class.
Speaker 1: But my class was all these people have been doing comedy,
Speaker 1: you know, ten years longer than me, some of them,
Speaker 1: you know, five years. They were all just like so good.
Speaker 1: I was good for how long I've been doing it,
Speaker 1: But I don't even doing it two years. So that's
Speaker 1: my story. That's why it's so funny that neither like
Speaker 1: I never even knew you were that close with her.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that because really you never heard Danny.
Speaker 1: I just I've heard you say her name in a bit,
Speaker 1: but I didn't even know you were friends with her.
Speaker 1: You were friends with her, man, that's so funny. Yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah she was. She was one of my best friends years.
Speaker 1: It would be your best friend. Well, yeah she is.
Speaker 1: She's probably top from I mean, I was just trying
Speaker 1: to think of like a friend that I had met before.
Speaker 1: It was just in the way that you were describing
Speaker 1: of like picks you up and is like we're going out,
Speaker 1: we're doing this. Like Serena is always positive, like yeah,
Speaker 1: we'll do this, We're gonna do this, let's move to
Speaker 1: New York, let's do that. Like she's just God, she's amazing.
Speaker 1: Any endeavor you have, like stand up or something that's
Speaker 1: outside the box, you need one person to push you
Speaker 1: and make you feel like it's normal to have this
Speaker 1: insane dream. Yes, because you do it on your own.
Speaker 1: I mean some people do. I don't know how like
Speaker 1: without you know, there's some people like I remember seeing
Speaker 1: Trevor Noah before he got The Daily Show, and he
Speaker 1: walked into like some shitty bar show. He went like
Speaker 1: right up wearing a leather jacket. I'm like, who the fuck.
Speaker 1: But he already had this confident because he was famous
Speaker 1: and something like. He was like floating so good, didn't
Speaker 1: need anybody. I sometimes watched these YouTube videos of him
Speaker 1: answering questions in between segments. Do you ever watch those? Yes,
Speaker 1: he's brilliant. I've never read his book. No, I didn't
Speaker 1: see I haven't seen a specials. I don't know what's
Speaker 1: wrong with the Oh. No, I didn't see the correspondent
Speaker 1: er or whatever it was. There was any special. We
Speaker 1: gotta go daily jab jabouki. Yeah. Where you watch, you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: you don't need one friend, you don't even need Yeah.
Speaker 1: They I always say to them, what what did your
Speaker 1: mom hug you or something? What's going on here? Why?
Speaker 1: Why do you like yourself so much? Okay, we gotta go.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to the show. Oh yeah, we
Speaker 1: gotta go listen. It's not gonna snow. It's hot as
Speaker 1: hell here. It's gonna be ninety four. Damn it, really,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be ninety sign is out the clouds beat
Speaker 1: parton your Boy beat. Shartoned when he starts parting, but
Speaker 1: never called the cops because that ship don't smell. I've
Speaker 1: never smelled. But once I ain't going to Hell, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go Okay, don't be good and on me, Jack
Speaker 1: on me, Jack on me. Come, we're really running out.