Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for salm and a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Our Spot. I am Yamla, your guide, your support,
Speaker 1: the facilitator of a level of consciousness that will support
Speaker 1: us in creating, recreating, building, rebuilding, growing and healing all relationships.
Speaker 2: In our lives.
Speaker 1: And today I want to focus on men again. You know,
Speaker 1: I always talk to women about relationships. I usually deal
Speaker 1: with women in relationships, but many women are in relationships
Speaker 1: with men, and I think that we often don't understand them.
Speaker 1: We don't understand them, we don't understand that they experience
Speaker 1: the same thing that we do. And one of those
Speaker 1: areas is in cheating. I've talked to hundreds, maybe even
Speaker 1: thousands of women who are crippled and destroyed on some
Speaker 1: level when their partner cheats on them. Well, today I'm
Speaker 1: going to talk to a man who's had a very
Speaker 1: similar experience and He's calling because he wants to know
Speaker 1: how to do it different. Facing a new relationship, he
Speaker 1: wants to know how to do it different. But before
Speaker 1: we can discover that, we have to hear his story.
Speaker 1: Take a listen, Greeting's beloved, and welcome to the our spot.
Speaker 1: I am talking to men today, and I am so
Speaker 1: excited as a woman to hear a man's point of view.
Speaker 1: We're talking about how men recover from betrayal, from cheating
Speaker 1: when their partners steps out on them. So I want
Speaker 1: to know what you're bringing to the table.
Speaker 2: I actually had two failed marriages due to infidelity.
Speaker 1: Their infidelity are yours?
Speaker 2: Their infidelity both of them both both women cheating on me, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2: The first one we got together, we were We dated
Speaker 2: for five years and then we decided to get married.
Speaker 2: We were married for five years. During that time, it
Speaker 2: was a little rocky. We both worked in the casino.
Speaker 2: I lost my job in the casino, so I had
Speaker 2: to take a lesson John and used to say that
Speaker 2: put a strain on our finances, and so we both
Speaker 2: made a decision that I needed to move to a
Speaker 2: neighboring state so I could get a better job and
Speaker 2: during that time I would become established. She would stay
Speaker 2: behind and keep her job just in case. And I
Speaker 2: was gone for a couple of months, and during that
Speaker 2: time that's when she actually she did on me, and
Speaker 2: she moved to where I was. And then while we
Speaker 2: were there, I ended up getting some letter that came
Speaker 2: for her, addressed to her from a prison, and of
Speaker 2: course I was curious. I opened it up and it
Speaker 2: was a gentleman that was asking her has she been
Speaker 2: taken care of that seemed to be child?
Speaker 1: So what wait a minute, Pumpy brakes, hold on, say
Speaker 1: that again. She moved to where you were, You got
Speaker 1: a letter addressed to her from a man that was
Speaker 1: asking her about a child?
Speaker 2: Yes, asking her had she been taken care of a
Speaker 2: soon to be child?
Speaker 1: Okay? Where was the child?
Speaker 2: That? Well? He was under impression she was pregnant. Oka,
Speaker 2: that's the way I was reading that letter.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: Yeah, with that, I just broke it off. We got
Speaker 2: a divorce and I moved away.
Speaker 1: Did she ever acknowledge that she had cheated?
Speaker 2: She did, She did after I moved away, and said
Speaker 2: it was a moment of week and seen. But at
Speaker 2: that time I was toosly done.
Speaker 1: She had a moment of weakness and she had a
Speaker 1: physical relationship with another man and left him with the
Speaker 1: impression that she was pregnant. So why did you Why
Speaker 1: did you end it?
Speaker 2: I think when mom mind is that if you love
Speaker 2: someone regardless of what you're going through, if you know,
Speaker 2: no matter what you're going through in your head's face,
Speaker 2: or any period of time, that shouldn't be a moment
Speaker 2: of weakness to the point where you allow somebody else
Speaker 2: to come in and you know, physically do anything like that.
Speaker 2: I've never been that beak where I've allowed somebody to
Speaker 2: come in and do it. So I just expect that
Speaker 2: much of somebody who wants to be my partner, who
Speaker 2: was able to walk down the aisle and take those
Speaker 2: vials with me in front of God and said that's
Speaker 2: you're going to honor our marriage and not do that.
Speaker 2: The fact that you could just throw that away for
Speaker 2: that momentary period of time and allow that to happen
Speaker 2: shows me that you wasn't thinking about me and you
Speaker 2: could allow that to happen. And if you can allow
Speaker 2: it to happen once supposed to say, you aren't allowed
Speaker 2: to happen again as a possibility that you won't, but
Speaker 2: you did.
Speaker 1: I want to break that down because all of the
Speaker 1: elements are there, but I think you're just focusing on
Speaker 1: the sex part. Let's break this down. She did not
Speaker 1: honor who you are as her committed partner. She didn't
Speaker 1: honor that. She betrayed your trust. You were trusting her,
Speaker 1: And not only did she betray your trust, she betrayed
Speaker 1: your trust in a moment of your weakness, as to say,
Speaker 1: because I had to move away to get a better job.
Speaker 1: As soon as my back was turned, you betrayed my trust.
Speaker 1: So this is not an honorable person. You can't trust
Speaker 1: their word, You can't trust them with your heart. You
Speaker 1: can't trust that they'll be there in a moment of weakness. Right,
Speaker 1: and then she broke a commitment. A marriage is a commitment.
Speaker 1: It's a commitment of mind, a body of spirit. So
Speaker 1: this isn't about her having sex with another man. And
Speaker 1: if he thought she was pregnant, chances are she wasn't
Speaker 1: honest with him either. So this is about you being
Speaker 1: in relationship with someone, in committed relationship with someone who
Speaker 1: didn't honor you, who didn't respect you, who didn't respect themselves,
Speaker 1: who didn't honor their commitment. Who didn't honor your heart,
Speaker 1: who didn't honor your trust? That's what this is about.
Speaker 1: Forget the sex part. Does that make sense to you? Yes,
Speaker 1: So you know you just getting caught up in the
Speaker 1: fact that she had sex with another man. But let's
Speaker 1: look at the bigger picture. I still hear sadness in
Speaker 1: your speaking. How you bespeak this experience. I still hear
Speaker 1: sadness about the fact that she had sex with another
Speaker 1: man when your back was turned. And it's so much
Speaker 1: bigger than that. Okay, So you took that sadness into
Speaker 1: another marriage. They'll tell me story number two.
Speaker 2: So after I moved away, I was just by myself.
Speaker 2: I took all that and just bottled it up and
Speaker 2: buried it and didn't address it. And a couple of
Speaker 2: months later, maybe three or four months later, I met
Speaker 2: my second wife and we dated for maybe three years.
Speaker 2: We had a child during that time. We got married
Speaker 2: at our second child. We were married a cold of
Speaker 2: two years and my second child was maybe four months old,
Speaker 2: and then I found out she TOOOTD.
Speaker 1: How'd you find out?
Speaker 2: I overheard her talking on the phone with him one night,
Speaker 2: and I confronted her confronted her about it. It's back, yeah, completely.
Speaker 2: I don't know she thought I was asleep or work.
Speaker 2: But yeah, during that time, you know, I know, in
Speaker 2: the first marriage, a lot of it I brought over with,
Speaker 2: you know, the fact that I felt like sort of
Speaker 2: a failure and the fact that I didn't provide for
Speaker 2: my first wife enough to the point where I had
Speaker 2: to move away. So I wanted to make sure that
Speaker 2: that didn't happen again. So I kept a good job.
Speaker 2: I actually worked two jobs while she was pregnant with
Speaker 2: my first child. She was like a high risk of,
Speaker 2: you know, of miscarriages, so I made sure, Like I
Speaker 2: think it was like four and five months before she
Speaker 2: was supposed to have our first child, I told her
Speaker 2: to just stop working because she was having so much
Speaker 2: difficulty with her She actually was a premier when she
Speaker 2: was born. I actually told her four or five months
Speaker 2: before she was born, just stopped working and I started
Speaker 2: working two jobs. I was going to school to be
Speaker 2: a nurse, and yeah, I just I was doing all that,
Speaker 2: just trying to make sure to provide for the house
Speaker 2: and everything. So I guess that time away really didn't
Speaker 2: get to spend a lot of time together, so I
Speaker 2: can admit that I played my part in some of them.
Speaker 1: But okay, go ahead. When you had your second maybe
Speaker 1: what happened.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, we had a second baby. She had some
Speaker 2: postpartum depression and I was still working a lot. So
Speaker 2: I don't know if I just wasn't there enough for her,
Speaker 2: spent enough time to help her through it. And really,
Speaker 2: you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I want to know. Did you become a nurse? Did
Speaker 1: you finish school? Did you do that?
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am?
Speaker 1: Okay, so are you a nurse?
Speaker 2: I am a nurse now, ma'am? Oh?
Speaker 1: Goody okay, good, that's good. I'm glad about that.
Speaker 2: I was on my last level of nursing where we were,
Speaker 2: and I found out and I ended up having to
Speaker 2: drop out of school, and I moved away, and I
Speaker 2: took my two little girls with me. So I brought
Speaker 2: them with me back to my home state and I
Speaker 2: raised them while I continue going through I went back
Speaker 2: to nursing school. So I continue going to school and
Speaker 2: raising them. And now i'm an I see you nurse.
Speaker 1: So you were a single mom, dad. You were a
Speaker 1: single mom dad? Okay, so you did what so many
Speaker 1: women do. So let me ask you a question right
Speaker 1: after the brain Welcome back to the R spot. Let's
Speaker 1: pick up where we left off. If I have the
Speaker 1: story in the second marriage correctly, you married this woman
Speaker 1: after three years of dating. Okay, you heard her talking
Speaker 1: to a man and you left immediately because she did
Speaker 1: with the first one.
Speaker 2: No, no, okay, not immediately. We were separated, but we
Speaker 2: lived together because we had the kids.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: It just got to a point where I just couldn't
Speaker 2: take it anymore because she was still talking with this man,
Speaker 2: and so I just, you know, I tried to make
Speaker 2: it work. I tried to, you know, see if things
Speaker 2: could change. I tried to, you know, I do all
Speaker 2: kinds of things humiliating that you know, I can't even
Speaker 2: think to talk about now. You know that I was
Speaker 2: just willing to accept that. I was like, maybe she
Speaker 2: would see that, you know, this is this is not
Speaker 2: the way to be, that she wanted to be with me,
Speaker 2: and we could make it work. And it just wasn't happening.
Speaker 2: And I realized she was still talking to him, and
Speaker 2: finally that was it. I finally, after like maybe a
Speaker 2: month and a half, I just had to leave and
Speaker 2: I had to go because.
Speaker 1: I really am concerned about the sadness you carrying in
Speaker 1: your voice. After the first breakdown of your first marriage,
Speaker 1: took the anger and the sadness and the self doubt,
Speaker 1: the self incrimination. You took that with you. So when
Speaker 1: you met and married the second woman, that's where you
Speaker 1: were vibrating. So you had to attract someone that was
Speaker 1: going to reinforce the anger, the self incrimination, and the
Speaker 1: self doubt. Because we never can live beyond our belief.
Speaker 1: So you believed somehow that they're because you had to move,
Speaker 1: you had to change jobs, you weren't living up to
Speaker 1: whatever whatever you believe that that's what caused the cheating.
Speaker 1: Because I'm hearing in your speaking that you value yourself
Speaker 1: by what you do and what you bring into the relationship,
Speaker 1: not because of who you are, not because you're a
Speaker 1: good hearted man who would raise his two children. You
Speaker 1: don't value yourself for that. You value yourself for what
Speaker 1: you do, how much money you have, and what you
Speaker 1: bring to the table. Can you see that that's old school?
Speaker 2: But I mean, isn't that's the role of a man
Speaker 2: to provide, to protect.
Speaker 1: To be the perform and to please. Yeah, the four
Speaker 1: piece of manhood. But all of those things beloved have
Speaker 1: to be predicated on who he believes himself to be.
Speaker 1: Who am I as a man? Do I deserve to
Speaker 1: be respected? Do I respect myself? Do I deserve to
Speaker 1: be honored? Do I honor myself? Do I deserve? Am
Speaker 1: I honest? Am I in integrity? He's got to provide, protect, perform,
Speaker 1: and please from a strong sense of self. And what
Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say is your sense of self came
Speaker 1: from what you do, not from who you are a
Speaker 1: man who's raising two kids and finishes nursing school. Do
Speaker 1: you know who you are? I think I do so well.
Speaker 1: You may know now, but obviously you din know back then,
Speaker 1: otherwise you would not be talking to me. And you
Speaker 1: still have the sadness. What is the sadness about?
Speaker 2: I've been single for nine years and I've had some relationships,
Speaker 2: you know, nothing, nothing major. It's just some off and
Speaker 2: on type of minor things. But I recently recently found
Speaker 2: somebody who I really I'm really liking, I'm really enjoying
Speaker 2: spending time with, and I'm opening up and just telling
Speaker 2: her everything about me. And it seems like the more
Speaker 2: opening up and the closer we're getting the more I'm
Speaker 2: feeling like I need to hold on tighter.
Speaker 1: Well, you're afraid you're gonna make the same mistake again,
Speaker 1: and that's what we're gonna avoid. We're gonna clean that
Speaker 1: up right now. Okay, okay, okay, because if you continue
Speaker 1: to vibrate in that sadness, afraid that you're gonna make
Speaker 1: the same mistake again, not knowing what you did the
Speaker 1: first time to cause these two women that you worked
Speaker 1: and tried to prove how valuable and worthy you were
Speaker 1: and that caused them to go cheat on you. If
Speaker 1: you hold that vibration, you are gonna make the same
Speaker 1: mistake again. You have to be present in this relation. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: So we're gonna clean it up. You want to clean
Speaker 1: it up.
Speaker 2: That's my biggest thing. I don't understand what happened, and
Speaker 2: I'll stop it.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna let you go into that because you're
Speaker 1: gonna beat yourself up because of everything that you did.
Speaker 1: And you want to know why what you did wasn't enough.
Speaker 1: It's because you didn't think that who you are is enough.
Speaker 1: And when they saw who you are, when they saw
Speaker 1: who you are as a gentle, loving spirit as a quiet,
Speaker 1: hard working man. When they saw who you were, they
Speaker 1: changed their mind uh huhnt that ain't what I want
Speaker 1: mm mmm. And they had nothing to do with you.
Speaker 1: They wanted you for what you had, not for who
Speaker 1: you are. And I'm hearing you say, in this new relationship,
Speaker 1: you're showing up as who you are, shattered but not broken,
Speaker 1: with a history, that you're willing to create a different future.
Speaker 1: They changed their minds, beloved, It's just that simple. And
Speaker 1: because you didn't know who you were at the time,
Speaker 1: you didn't know who they were. You didn't know who
Speaker 1: they were. You thought they were one thing and they
Speaker 1: were something else. Because you thought you were one thing,
Speaker 1: you thought you were what you do, not who you are.
Speaker 1: Take a breath. Take a breath, because I can hear
Speaker 1: your heart shattering. I hear it, I feel it. You
Speaker 1: didn't do anything wrong. What you did was put all
Speaker 1: in your value and worth and what you could do,
Speaker 1: not who you are.
Speaker 2: It's that.
Speaker 1: You've been carrying that too long. Tell me what's going on,
Speaker 1: Tell me what's going on. And I'm not gonna leave you.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna sit right here with you. Let's work it out.
Speaker 1: Come on.
Speaker 2: All those questions, Oh, why what did I do wrong?
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm y'all mm hmm, Yeah, I just just flooded back.
Speaker 1: Now you didn't do anything wrong?
Speaker 2: Yeah, too, beautiful girls, we weren't happy. I thought we
Speaker 2: weren't happy.
Speaker 1: Beloved. You don't want a woman who just wants you
Speaker 1: for what you can do. You don't want a woman
Speaker 1: that just wants you for what you have. You don't
Speaker 1: want that. And that's what you were showing them. You
Speaker 1: were showing them what you could do. So the minute
Speaker 1: you couldn't do anymore, they didn't value who you were.
Speaker 1: They didn't understand that beneath your doing there was a
Speaker 1: man of a good heart, with integrity, a man who
Speaker 1: is trying to live into his four p's, his provide
Speaker 1: his protective perform and its pleased. They didn't see that.
Speaker 1: And there are women, unfortunately, because of their own history,
Speaker 1: that want a man for what he brings, not for
Speaker 1: who he is. You didn't do anything wrong. You just
Speaker 1: meant misread them, and they misread you. So the minute
Speaker 1: that they couldn't get what they want. You know how
Speaker 1: that happens. Let me tell you how that happens. It
Speaker 1: happens very often when a woman is separated from her father,
Speaker 1: you know, either through divorce or him the parents don't
Speaker 1: live together, and daddy shows up on the weekend with
Speaker 1: popcor and a pretty dress, and he gives her some money,
Speaker 1: and then he's gone for another three weeks and then
Speaker 1: he comes back. It's what they call a Disneyland dad.
Speaker 1: So women grow into the experience that I can value
Speaker 1: a man based on what he can give me, not
Speaker 1: on based on who he is. And maybe those women
Speaker 1: you married had that history. You don't have nothing to
Speaker 1: do with you. Your mistake was living into their fantasy that
Speaker 1: a man is only as good as what he gives.
Speaker 1: Can you hear me?
Speaker 2: Yes? Man?
Speaker 1: And they changed their mind. They said, Okay, he ain't
Speaker 1: given me what I want. I want that no more.
Speaker 1: Let me go get somebody that can give me what
Speaker 1: I want. And I don't know any of this to
Speaker 1: be true. I'm just assessing based on what you're telling me,
Speaker 1: because I'm talking to you, not them. But here's what
Speaker 1: I know. Here's what I know. Sure as I'm black
Speaker 1: and old and i'm both, and oh okay. A man
Speaker 1: who would raise two of his daughters, a man who
Speaker 1: would take two of his girl offspring from their mother
Speaker 1: is a man of high quality. How old are you?
Speaker 1: I'll marry you? What you? What you?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 1: And you're a nurse too? Where you live?
Speaker 2: What you?
Speaker 1: How old you is? Come on, I'll take care, I
Speaker 1: can cook, I clean.
Speaker 2: Fifty one?
Speaker 1: Oh god, you're younger than my son. I don't think
Speaker 1: he would appreciate me bringing you home. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: You didn't do anything wrong belove him except not stand
Speaker 1: up fully in the truth of who you are. A
Speaker 1: good man, an honorable man, a respectable man, a man
Speaker 1: of high integrity. Yeah, but you valued yourself based on
Speaker 1: what you do, not on who you are. That's the
Speaker 1: only mistake you made. And so you attracted women who
Speaker 1: were enticed what you're doing because you talked about your
Speaker 1: jobs and moving away for a job and boo woo boo. No. No.
Speaker 2: So, with this current situation, what do I need to
Speaker 2: do to make sure I don't mess this up or
Speaker 2: find myself to showing my insecurity.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: The first thing you have to do is stop thinking
Speaker 1: that you messed up the other marriages that's the first
Speaker 1: thing you got to do that.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, forgive yourself for thinking that you're the failure of
Speaker 1: your marriages were your fault. Let's let's do that. I
Speaker 1: want to hear you say that, I forgive myself for believing.
Speaker 1: Say that for me.
Speaker 2: I forgive myself for believing.
Speaker 1: That the end of my first two marriages.
Speaker 2: At the end of the first my first two marriages.
Speaker 1: Was my fault.
Speaker 2: Was my fault.
Speaker 1: What do you feel when you say that? What do
Speaker 1: you feel?
Speaker 2: Your relief? They're better?
Speaker 1: Okay, repeat this for me. I forgive myself for believing
Speaker 1: there was something I could have done to save my
Speaker 1: first two marriages.
Speaker 2: I forgive myself for believing there was something I could
Speaker 2: have done, say my first two marriages.
Speaker 1: Yeah, take a breath. You believe that. So say this
Speaker 1: for me. I am enough, I am enough. I am enough.
Speaker 2: I am enough.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, just as I am.
Speaker 2: I am enough, Just as I am I am enough.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So what I want you to do now? You said,
Speaker 1: what do you need to do? I want you to
Speaker 1: straighten your spine. Straighten your spine, because I can almost
Speaker 1: see you hunched over. I want you to straighten your spine.
Speaker 1: Come on, sit up. I want you to take a breath. Now,
Speaker 1: this is gonna sound this is gonna sound weird, and
Speaker 1: I'm not being dirty or inappropriate. I want to get
Speaker 1: some energy moving in your body. Okay, So I want
Speaker 1: you let's say if you had to urinate and you
Speaker 1: couldn't go, you know how you would tighten up your
Speaker 1: people down there? You know well what I'm talking about,
Speaker 1: the three people. Tighten them up, Tighten them up. Straighten
Speaker 1: your spine, and now say just as I am, I
Speaker 1: am enough, tighten them up?
Speaker 2: Am I am enough?
Speaker 1: Wow? Look at that?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you felt that, didn't you? You tighten them people up?
Speaker 1: You straighten your smiling up and tighten up your people. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she getting a prized She better. I'll tell you if
Speaker 1: you was a few, if you had another two years,
Speaker 1: i'd bring you home. I can't bring you home though
Speaker 1: you're too young. You're younger than my son.
Speaker 2: I can't.
Speaker 1: I can't do it. I need me a nurse at
Speaker 1: my age you could take care of You could give
Speaker 1: me my meds and everything. Yeah listen, now I'm being practical.
Speaker 1: So beloved, you didn't do anything wrong. You just you've
Speaker 1: been valuing and measuring yourself based on what you do,
Speaker 1: not on who you are. So listen, don't be don't
Speaker 1: dump all of that stuff in that woman's lap. You
Speaker 1: understand that she don't. Don't do that. Here's what's your vision?
Speaker 1: What is your vision for your next relationship? That's what
Speaker 1: I want you to know when you see yourself? Can
Speaker 1: you see yourself with this woman until you take your
Speaker 1: last brother?
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, I can't. I definitely can.
Speaker 1: So ask her, ask her, can you see yourself with
Speaker 1: me until you take your last breath? The last thing
Speaker 1: you see when you're getting ready to leave your body
Speaker 1: is my face? Can ask her if she can see that? Okay?
Speaker 1: And then what is your vision for this relationship? You've
Speaker 1: raised your daughters? How old are they now?
Speaker 2: Oldest is I'm seventeen. She's about to graduate high school.
Speaker 2: And my young Oh.
Speaker 1: Daddy, I'm so proud of you. Wait a minute, let
Speaker 1: me just do this for a minute. I am so
Speaker 1: proud of you, daddy.
Speaker 2: Dude.
Speaker 1: How many seventeen year old girls are pregnant because they
Speaker 1: didn't have no daddy in their life? Yes, ma'am, you
Speaker 1: got a seventeen year old black woman. You'd raise somebody's
Speaker 1: mother and somebody's wife. That's what you did, daddy.
Speaker 2: Good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So what is your vision for your relationship
Speaker 1: with this woman?
Speaker 2: I see its being happy and married, taking trips.
Speaker 1: Okay, where you're going, Where you're going? Which trip? Where
Speaker 1: you want to go?
Speaker 2: I want to take it to Egypt?
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, that came up in my mind. I love it.
Speaker 1: Does she want to go to Egypt?
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, she does.
Speaker 1: Okay, you're gonna fly and do a tour, or you're
Speaker 1: going to do a cruise.
Speaker 2: We're gonna fly.
Speaker 1: Actually, so you know what, you buy the plane ticket,
Speaker 1: you let her pay for the hotel. Don't try to
Speaker 1: do it all.
Speaker 2: No, really, no, no.
Speaker 1: Or you'll going together. I'm trying to keep you from
Speaker 1: doing the same mistakes, which is valuing yourself based on
Speaker 1: what you do. I don't want you three years from
Speaker 1: now to say, oh, I took her to Egypt. I
Speaker 1: bought the plane ticket. Y'all got to do it together.
Speaker 1: I say, if I do the plane tickets, are you
Speaker 1: willing to find the hotels? Even if we go half
Speaker 1: on it? If she's a good woman, she'll do that. Okay,
Speaker 1: Because this is about y'all. The two of you your
Speaker 1: vision together, not what you bring to the table. Can
Speaker 1: you hear me, Yes, ma'am, and stop telling her all
Speaker 1: your brokenness. That's enough of that.
Speaker 2: Oh yes.
Speaker 1: All you have to do is say, I recognize the
Speaker 1: mistakes I made. I'm not doing that again. And you
Speaker 1: can even tell her in a nice way. My marriages
Speaker 1: failed because I let them believe I was only worth
Speaker 1: what I could do, not who I am. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna make that mistake again. You know, you start sending
Speaker 1: her little clues so she don't get confused.
Speaker 2: In my life. She actually went to one of your
Speaker 2: retreats and actually was the one who told me about
Speaker 2: you and your podcast and gave me a number so
Speaker 2: I can call you. She also mentioned that you're going
Speaker 2: to have another retreat for the men YEAP next year,
Speaker 2: and I wanted to ask you about that, yeah, and
Speaker 2: try to get some information about that, because.
Speaker 1: I want Reclaiming the Male Spirit up from here. You
Speaker 1: can go get that book right now up from here.
Speaker 1: But it's going to be a nine week training process
Speaker 1: and then we're going to come together for four days,
Speaker 1: So you make sure you get on my mailing list.
Speaker 1: But in the meantime you can go read up from here,
Speaker 1: and it talks about some of the common mistakes men
Speaker 1: make and the situations that they find themselves in and
Speaker 1: how they can lift themselves up. I like her. If
Speaker 1: she wanted mine, she good, and if she go wrong,
Speaker 1: you just send her back to me. I'll fix up
Speaker 1: for you.
Speaker 2: She told me about the experience and how y'all y'all
Speaker 2: kind of bond did it. She got a chance to
Speaker 2: speak with you, and she got her name and everything,
Speaker 2: and yeah, you really left an impact on it.
Speaker 1: She did write some passage. She must have done right
Speaker 1: the passage. She just did it recently.
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Okay, so she's a rite of passage lady. She gonna
Speaker 1: buck if you say that. She got to pay for
Speaker 1: the hotel, So thank you for sharing that information.
Speaker 2: You about to make me do something crazy message?
Speaker 1: Yeah no, okay, Well then don't ask her. But because
Speaker 1: if she did write some passage, I know she got
Speaker 1: a solid foundation. So you're gonna have to pay for
Speaker 1: the plane tickets in the hotel. But let her find
Speaker 1: it and let her pick whatever it is that she wants,
Speaker 1: and then let her find the hotel or the tour
Speaker 1: or whatever, and then you know, let her, invite her
Speaker 1: to tell you what she needs, and then you pay
Speaker 1: for it. My thing is let her participate. You don't
Speaker 1: just do it all. I don't want her to measure
Speaker 1: you based on who you know what you do? Start
Speaker 1: making everything participatory, all right, it's man ha ha. And
Speaker 1: so listen, when those ugly thoughts come back, Why did
Speaker 1: this happen? Why can't I do this? You pull up
Speaker 1: your people, pull them up, straighten your spine, and simply say,
Speaker 1: I forgive myself for believing I did anything wrong. That's
Speaker 1: all you need to do. And you're going to start
Speaker 1: dispensing that energy out because see, you, believing you did
Speaker 1: something wrong makes you feel inadequate as a man, and
Speaker 1: as a man, in adequacy is kryptonite. It'll poison you,
Speaker 1: it'll kill you. So the reason you pull your people
Speaker 1: up because that's the symbol of your manhood, and then
Speaker 1: in that manhood you give yourself the grace of forgiveness. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's scientific, it works. You feel better? Right?
Speaker 2: Yes? Man?
Speaker 1: Okay, tell me something you know now that you didn't
Speaker 1: know when you call.
Speaker 2: I know that I am ah.
Speaker 1: Yes, what else I know?
Speaker 2: I didn't do anything wrong? Yes, I know that I
Speaker 2: am a good man.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, And baby, that doesn't mean everything's gonna
Speaker 1: be smooth sailing because we're humans, and humans are a
Speaker 1: hard are crazy as hell, and relationships are one of
Speaker 1: the hardest things that we can do. But if you
Speaker 1: have integrity and if you're honest, and if you're honorable,
Speaker 1: it'll work out. And when you're vibrating in a different place,
Speaker 1: I don't hear you vibrating in sadness anymore. You know,
Speaker 1: you still look got a little wobble in there, but
Speaker 1: it'll get different as as you do it different. Man,
Speaker 1: My work here is done.
Speaker 2: Ah, thank you so much. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Okay, my love, and and I want to see you
Speaker 1: at up from here, go get that book up from here.
Speaker 1: And then I want to see you this July at
Speaker 1: the Men's Retreat and we're gonna get it all solidified
Speaker 1: because you will be shocked, horrified and excited at how
Speaker 1: many men are standing right where you're standing.
Speaker 2: You will definitely see me.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling, Thank you for trusting me with
Speaker 1: your heart. Thank you for being a male nurse. Thank
Speaker 1: you for that. Because so many men go into health
Speaker 1: care facilities and they're so demoralized by the fact that
Speaker 1: they're always surrounded by women. Thank you for that. Thank
Speaker 1: you for that service to humanity. And thank you for
Speaker 1: raising somebody's wife and somebody's future wife and future mother.
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. Thank you. I'm just so excited
Speaker 1: about you. I don't even know what to do with myself.
Speaker 2: Ah, I'm excited about this call. I thank you so
Speaker 2: much for all you've done for me.
Speaker 1: I thank you for trusting yourself enough to call. How
Speaker 1: about that? Yes, man, Okay, you have a blessed and
Speaker 1: wonderful day.
Speaker 2: My love be blessed.
Speaker 1: Bye bye, bye bye. A broken heart based on betrayal,
Speaker 1: based on giving your all to a relationship and not
Speaker 1: having it returned, only to have your partner look you
Speaker 1: in your face and lie to you about them being
Speaker 1: with somebody else. Yes, ladies, it happens to men two
Speaker 1: and it leaves them as cripple, wounded and devastated as
Speaker 1: it leaves us. I think one of the most sacred
Speaker 1: and powerful things any man can do is to open himself,
Speaker 1: allow himself to be vulnerable. Crying is simply the way
Speaker 1: that the heart expresses itself when there are no words
Speaker 1: for men or for women, for men or for women
Speaker 1: when the heart is open and vulnerable and saw there
Speaker 1: are no words, and the result of that is tears.
Speaker 1: I heard my guests tears, but I didn't want to
Speaker 1: run the risk of bringing guilt or shame or embarrassment
Speaker 1: about allowing himself to be vulnerable. That's the R Spot
Speaker 1: for today. Thank you for tuning in. In the meantime,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time.
Speaker 2: Bye.
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shana Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.