1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:06,120 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: for salm and a soft place to fall for others. 3 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:14,360 Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 4 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,959 Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my 5 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,360 Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a 6 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome to 7 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: the Our Spot. I am Yamla, your guide, your support, 8 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: the facilitator of a level of consciousness that will support 9 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:56,880 Speaker 1: us in creating, recreating, building, rebuilding, growing and healing all relationships. 10 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:56,800 Speaker 2: In our lives. 11 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: And today I want to focus on men again. You know, 12 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:08,920 Speaker 1: I always talk to women about relationships. I usually deal 13 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:12,959 Speaker 1: with women in relationships, but many women are in relationships 14 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:16,240 Speaker 1: with men, and I think that we often don't understand them. 15 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:20,520 Speaker 1: We don't understand them, we don't understand that they experience 16 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,839 Speaker 1: the same thing that we do. And one of those 17 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,759 Speaker 1: areas is in cheating. I've talked to hundreds, maybe even 18 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: thousands of women who are crippled and destroyed on some 19 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: level when their partner cheats on them. Well, today I'm 20 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: going to talk to a man who's had a very 21 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:46,399 Speaker 1: similar experience and He's calling because he wants to know 22 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,920 Speaker 1: how to do it different. Facing a new relationship, he 23 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,360 Speaker 1: wants to know how to do it different. But before 24 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 1: we can discover that, we have to hear his story. 25 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 1: Take a listen, Greeting's beloved, and welcome to the our spot. 26 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 1: I am talking to men today, and I am so 27 00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 1: excited as a woman to hear a man's point of view. 28 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,200 Speaker 1: We're talking about how men recover from betrayal, from cheating 29 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 1: when their partners steps out on them. So I want 30 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: to know what you're bringing to the table. 31 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:29,720 Speaker 2: I actually had two failed marriages due to infidelity. 32 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:32,080 Speaker 1: Their infidelity are yours? 33 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 2: Their infidelity both of them both both women cheating on me, Yes, ma'am. 34 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 2: The first one we got together, we were We dated 35 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 2: for five years and then we decided to get married. 36 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:52,200 Speaker 2: We were married for five years. During that time, it 37 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,560 Speaker 2: was a little rocky. We both worked in the casino. 38 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 2: I lost my job in the casino, so I had 39 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 2: to take a lesson John and used to say that 40 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:07,240 Speaker 2: put a strain on our finances, and so we both 41 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 2: made a decision that I needed to move to a 42 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,640 Speaker 2: neighboring state so I could get a better job and 43 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:20,000 Speaker 2: during that time I would become established. She would stay 44 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:26,080 Speaker 2: behind and keep her job just in case. And I 45 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:30,800 Speaker 2: was gone for a couple of months, and during that 46 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 2: time that's when she actually she did on me, and 47 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 2: she moved to where I was. And then while we 48 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,960 Speaker 2: were there, I ended up getting some letter that came 49 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:49,600 Speaker 2: for her, addressed to her from a prison, and of 50 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 2: course I was curious. I opened it up and it 51 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:56,000 Speaker 2: was a gentleman that was asking her has she been 52 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 2: taken care of that seemed to be child? 53 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 1: So what wait a minute, Pumpy brakes, hold on, say 54 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,839 Speaker 1: that again. She moved to where you were, You got 55 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,360 Speaker 1: a letter addressed to her from a man that was 56 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 1: asking her about a child? 57 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 2: Yes, asking her had she been taken care of a 58 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 2: soon to be child? 59 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 1: Okay? Where was the child? 60 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,480 Speaker 2: That? Well? He was under impression she was pregnant. Oka, 61 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 2: that's the way I was reading that letter. 62 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:23,919 Speaker 1: Okay. 63 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, with that, I just broke it off. We got 64 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,719 Speaker 2: a divorce and I moved away. 65 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: Did she ever acknowledge that she had cheated? 66 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,560 Speaker 2: She did, She did after I moved away, and said 67 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,120 Speaker 2: it was a moment of week and seen. But at 68 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:40,799 Speaker 2: that time I was toosly done. 69 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: She had a moment of weakness and she had a 70 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: physical relationship with another man and left him with the 71 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:56,719 Speaker 1: impression that she was pregnant. So why did you Why 72 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,600 Speaker 1: did you end it? 73 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:02,920 Speaker 2: I think when mom mind is that if you love 74 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 2: someone regardless of what you're going through, if you know, 75 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 2: no matter what you're going through in your head's face, 76 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 2: or any period of time, that shouldn't be a moment 77 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,159 Speaker 2: of weakness to the point where you allow somebody else 78 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 2: to come in and you know, physically do anything like that. 79 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 2: I've never been that beak where I've allowed somebody to 80 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,800 Speaker 2: come in and do it. So I just expect that 81 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,280 Speaker 2: much of somebody who wants to be my partner, who 82 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,599 Speaker 2: was able to walk down the aisle and take those 83 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 2: vials with me in front of God and said that's 84 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,120 Speaker 2: you're going to honor our marriage and not do that. 85 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 2: The fact that you could just throw that away for 86 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:51,240 Speaker 2: that momentary period of time and allow that to happen 87 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,760 Speaker 2: shows me that you wasn't thinking about me and you 88 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,880 Speaker 2: could allow that to happen. And if you can allow 89 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,359 Speaker 2: it to happen once supposed to say, you aren't allowed 90 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,159 Speaker 2: to happen again as a possibility that you won't, but 91 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:03,720 Speaker 2: you did. 92 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,000 Speaker 1: I want to break that down because all of the 93 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 1: elements are there, but I think you're just focusing on 94 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:15,000 Speaker 1: the sex part. Let's break this down. She did not 95 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:20,359 Speaker 1: honor who you are as her committed partner. She didn't 96 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:25,720 Speaker 1: honor that. She betrayed your trust. You were trusting her, 97 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 1: And not only did she betray your trust, she betrayed 98 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:32,840 Speaker 1: your trust in a moment of your weakness, as to say, 99 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:35,359 Speaker 1: because I had to move away to get a better job. 100 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,799 Speaker 1: As soon as my back was turned, you betrayed my trust. 101 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 1: So this is not an honorable person. You can't trust 102 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:47,160 Speaker 1: their word, You can't trust them with your heart. You 103 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,880 Speaker 1: can't trust that they'll be there in a moment of weakness. Right, 104 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,120 Speaker 1: and then she broke a commitment. A marriage is a commitment. 105 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,160 Speaker 1: It's a commitment of mind, a body of spirit. So 106 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 1: this isn't about her having sex with another man. And 107 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,000 Speaker 1: if he thought she was pregnant, chances are she wasn't 108 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 1: honest with him either. So this is about you being 109 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:14,920 Speaker 1: in relationship with someone, in committed relationship with someone who 110 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:19,400 Speaker 1: didn't honor you, who didn't respect you, who didn't respect themselves, 111 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,720 Speaker 1: who didn't honor their commitment. Who didn't honor your heart, 112 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 1: who didn't honor your trust? That's what this is about. 113 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,960 Speaker 1: Forget the sex part. Does that make sense to you? Yes, 114 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,160 Speaker 1: So you know you just getting caught up in the 115 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,440 Speaker 1: fact that she had sex with another man. But let's 116 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: look at the bigger picture. I still hear sadness in 117 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:45,480 Speaker 1: your speaking. How you bespeak this experience. I still hear 118 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 1: sadness about the fact that she had sex with another 119 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,240 Speaker 1: man when your back was turned. And it's so much 120 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:56,480 Speaker 1: bigger than that. Okay, So you took that sadness into 121 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: another marriage. They'll tell me story number two. 122 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 2: So after I moved away, I was just by myself. 123 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,960 Speaker 2: I took all that and just bottled it up and 124 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 2: buried it and didn't address it. And a couple of 125 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,200 Speaker 2: months later, maybe three or four months later, I met 126 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:23,360 Speaker 2: my second wife and we dated for maybe three years. 127 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 2: We had a child during that time. We got married 128 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:32,080 Speaker 2: at our second child. We were married a cold of 129 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,839 Speaker 2: two years and my second child was maybe four months old, 130 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:37,920 Speaker 2: and then I found out she TOOOTD. 131 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 1: How'd you find out? 132 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:44,680 Speaker 2: I overheard her talking on the phone with him one night, 133 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 2: and I confronted her confronted her about it. It's back, yeah, completely. 134 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:54,560 Speaker 2: I don't know she thought I was asleep or work. 135 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:58,280 Speaker 2: But yeah, during that time, you know, I know, in 136 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 2: the first marriage, a lot of it I brought over with, 137 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 2: you know, the fact that I felt like sort of 138 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 2: a failure and the fact that I didn't provide for 139 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 2: my first wife enough to the point where I had 140 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 2: to move away. So I wanted to make sure that 141 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 2: that didn't happen again. So I kept a good job. 142 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,880 Speaker 2: I actually worked two jobs while she was pregnant with 143 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 2: my first child. She was like a high risk of, 144 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:27,240 Speaker 2: you know, of miscarriages, so I made sure, Like I 145 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:31,080 Speaker 2: think it was like four and five months before she 146 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,360 Speaker 2: was supposed to have our first child, I told her 147 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 2: to just stop working because she was having so much 148 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 2: difficulty with her She actually was a premier when she 149 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 2: was born. I actually told her four or five months 150 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,360 Speaker 2: before she was born, just stopped working and I started 151 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:47,360 Speaker 2: working two jobs. I was going to school to be 152 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:52,640 Speaker 2: a nurse, and yeah, I just I was doing all that, 153 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,679 Speaker 2: just trying to make sure to provide for the house 154 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 2: and everything. So I guess that time away really didn't 155 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,760 Speaker 2: get to spend a lot of time together, so I 156 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:06,720 Speaker 2: can admit that I played my part in some of them. 157 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 1: But okay, go ahead. When you had your second maybe 158 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 1: what happened. 159 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, we had a second baby. She had some 160 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 2: postpartum depression and I was still working a lot. So 161 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,439 Speaker 2: I don't know if I just wasn't there enough for her, 162 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,440 Speaker 2: spent enough time to help her through it. And really, 163 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:29,839 Speaker 2: you know, I don't know. 164 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,160 Speaker 1: I want to know. Did you become a nurse? Did 165 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,199 Speaker 1: you finish school? Did you do that? 166 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:34,960 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am? 167 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 1: Okay, so are you a nurse? 168 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 2: I am a nurse now, ma'am? Oh? 169 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:43,120 Speaker 1: Goody okay, good, that's good. I'm glad about that. 170 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 2: I was on my last level of nursing where we were, 171 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 2: and I found out and I ended up having to 172 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,480 Speaker 2: drop out of school, and I moved away, and I 173 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 2: took my two little girls with me. So I brought 174 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:01,080 Speaker 2: them with me back to my home state and I 175 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:05,040 Speaker 2: raised them while I continue going through I went back 176 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 2: to nursing school. So I continue going to school and 177 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 2: raising them. And now i'm an I see you nurse. 178 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 1: So you were a single mom, dad. You were a 179 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 1: single mom dad? Okay, so you did what so many 180 00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:26,000 Speaker 1: women do. So let me ask you a question right 181 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 1: after the brain Welcome back to the R spot. Let's 182 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,960 Speaker 1: pick up where we left off. If I have the 183 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:42,960 Speaker 1: story in the second marriage correctly, you married this woman 184 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,800 Speaker 1: after three years of dating. Okay, you heard her talking 185 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: to a man and you left immediately because she did 186 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:51,320 Speaker 1: with the first one. 187 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:57,160 Speaker 2: No, no, okay, not immediately. We were separated, but we 188 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,720 Speaker 2: lived together because we had the kids. 189 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 1: Okay. 190 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 2: It just got to a point where I just couldn't 191 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,320 Speaker 2: take it anymore because she was still talking with this man, 192 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,880 Speaker 2: and so I just, you know, I tried to make 193 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:13,680 Speaker 2: it work. I tried to, you know, see if things 194 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:17,120 Speaker 2: could change. I tried to, you know, I do all 195 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,319 Speaker 2: kinds of things humiliating that you know, I can't even 196 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,360 Speaker 2: think to talk about now. You know that I was 197 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 2: just willing to accept that. I was like, maybe she 198 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,079 Speaker 2: would see that, you know, this is this is not 199 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 2: the way to be, that she wanted to be with me, 200 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,959 Speaker 2: and we could make it work. And it just wasn't happening. 201 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,480 Speaker 2: And I realized she was still talking to him, and 202 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,520 Speaker 2: finally that was it. I finally, after like maybe a 203 00:12:43,559 --> 00:12:46,120 Speaker 2: month and a half, I just had to leave and 204 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,559 Speaker 2: I had to go because. 205 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 1: I really am concerned about the sadness you carrying in 206 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 1: your voice. After the first breakdown of your first marriage, 207 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 1: took the anger and the sadness and the self doubt, 208 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,400 Speaker 1: the self incrimination. You took that with you. So when 209 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 1: you met and married the second woman, that's where you 210 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 1: were vibrating. So you had to attract someone that was 211 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 1: going to reinforce the anger, the self incrimination, and the 212 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,559 Speaker 1: self doubt. Because we never can live beyond our belief. 213 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 1: So you believed somehow that they're because you had to move, 214 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,360 Speaker 1: you had to change jobs, you weren't living up to 215 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,800 Speaker 1: whatever whatever you believe that that's what caused the cheating. 216 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:37,840 Speaker 1: Because I'm hearing in your speaking that you value yourself 217 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 1: by what you do and what you bring into the relationship, 218 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,120 Speaker 1: not because of who you are, not because you're a 219 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 1: good hearted man who would raise his two children. You 220 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 1: don't value yourself for that. You value yourself for what 221 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,040 Speaker 1: you do, how much money you have, and what you 222 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 1: bring to the table. Can you see that that's old school? 223 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,960 Speaker 2: But I mean, isn't that's the role of a man 224 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,200 Speaker 2: to provide, to protect. 225 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: To be the perform and to please. Yeah, the four 226 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 1: piece of manhood. But all of those things beloved have 227 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:18,720 Speaker 1: to be predicated on who he believes himself to be. 228 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: Who am I as a man? Do I deserve to 229 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: be respected? Do I respect myself? Do I deserve to 230 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 1: be honored? Do I honor myself? Do I deserve? Am 231 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 1: I honest? Am I in integrity? He's got to provide, protect, perform, 232 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:40,960 Speaker 1: and please from a strong sense of self. And what 233 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say is your sense of self came 234 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:48,160 Speaker 1: from what you do, not from who you are a 235 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,840 Speaker 1: man who's raising two kids and finishes nursing school. Do 236 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:56,720 Speaker 1: you know who you are? I think I do so well. 237 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,440 Speaker 1: You may know now, but obviously you din know back then, 238 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:06,880 Speaker 1: otherwise you would not be talking to me. And you 239 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 1: still have the sadness. What is the sadness about? 240 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 2: I've been single for nine years and I've had some relationships, 241 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,080 Speaker 2: you know, nothing, nothing major. It's just some off and 242 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:23,800 Speaker 2: on type of minor things. But I recently recently found 243 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 2: somebody who I really I'm really liking, I'm really enjoying 244 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:36,840 Speaker 2: spending time with, and I'm opening up and just telling 245 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 2: her everything about me. And it seems like the more 246 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:47,960 Speaker 2: opening up and the closer we're getting the more I'm 247 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,720 Speaker 2: feeling like I need to hold on tighter. 248 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,560 Speaker 1: Well, you're afraid you're gonna make the same mistake again, 249 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,760 Speaker 1: and that's what we're gonna avoid. We're gonna clean that 250 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:01,960 Speaker 1: up right now. Okay, okay, okay, because if you continue 251 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,600 Speaker 1: to vibrate in that sadness, afraid that you're gonna make 252 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,840 Speaker 1: the same mistake again, not knowing what you did the 253 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 1: first time to cause these two women that you worked 254 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,320 Speaker 1: and tried to prove how valuable and worthy you were 255 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,120 Speaker 1: and that caused them to go cheat on you. If 256 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,280 Speaker 1: you hold that vibration, you are gonna make the same 257 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:24,920 Speaker 1: mistake again. You have to be present in this relation. Okay, okay, 258 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: So we're gonna clean it up. You want to clean 259 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:26,880 Speaker 1: it up. 260 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 2: That's my biggest thing. I don't understand what happened, and 261 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,320 Speaker 2: I'll stop it. 262 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna let you go into that because you're 263 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,120 Speaker 1: gonna beat yourself up because of everything that you did. 264 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: And you want to know why what you did wasn't enough. 265 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 1: It's because you didn't think that who you are is enough. 266 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 1: And when they saw who you are, when they saw 267 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 1: who you are as a gentle, loving spirit as a quiet, 268 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,880 Speaker 1: hard working man. When they saw who you were, they 269 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,560 Speaker 1: changed their mind uh huhnt that ain't what I want 270 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,240 Speaker 1: mm mmm. And they had nothing to do with you. 271 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:12,240 Speaker 1: They wanted you for what you had, not for who 272 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,199 Speaker 1: you are. And I'm hearing you say, in this new relationship, 273 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:20,280 Speaker 1: you're showing up as who you are, shattered but not broken, 274 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,880 Speaker 1: with a history, that you're willing to create a different future. 275 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:28,600 Speaker 1: They changed their minds, beloved, It's just that simple. And 276 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,680 Speaker 1: because you didn't know who you were at the time, 277 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,800 Speaker 1: you didn't know who they were. You didn't know who 278 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,199 Speaker 1: they were. You thought they were one thing and they 279 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,800 Speaker 1: were something else. Because you thought you were one thing, 280 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,000 Speaker 1: you thought you were what you do, not who you are. 281 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,880 Speaker 1: Take a breath. Take a breath, because I can hear 282 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,880 Speaker 1: your heart shattering. I hear it, I feel it. You 283 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 1: didn't do anything wrong. What you did was put all 284 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: in your value and worth and what you could do, 285 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:04,920 Speaker 1: not who you are. 286 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:06,399 Speaker 2: It's that. 287 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:16,040 Speaker 1: You've been carrying that too long. Tell me what's going on, 288 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,840 Speaker 1: Tell me what's going on. And I'm not gonna leave you. 289 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,920 Speaker 1: I'm gonna sit right here with you. Let's work it out. 290 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:22,320 Speaker 1: Come on. 291 00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:30,879 Speaker 2: All those questions, Oh, why what did I do wrong? 292 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:37,280 Speaker 2: Mm hmmm y'all mm hmm, Yeah, I just just flooded back. 293 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:40,760 Speaker 1: Now you didn't do anything wrong? 294 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:47,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, too, beautiful girls, we weren't happy. I thought we 295 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,560 Speaker 2: weren't happy. 296 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,879 Speaker 1: Beloved. You don't want a woman who just wants you 297 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,600 Speaker 1: for what you can do. You don't want a woman 298 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:59,160 Speaker 1: that just wants you for what you have. You don't 299 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 1: want that. And that's what you were showing them. You 300 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 1: were showing them what you could do. So the minute 301 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,000 Speaker 1: you couldn't do anymore, they didn't value who you were. 302 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:12,880 Speaker 1: They didn't understand that beneath your doing there was a 303 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 1: man of a good heart, with integrity, a man who 304 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,440 Speaker 1: is trying to live into his four p's, his provide 305 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:24,000 Speaker 1: his protective perform and its pleased. They didn't see that. 306 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: And there are women, unfortunately, because of their own history, 307 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:33,119 Speaker 1: that want a man for what he brings, not for 308 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,200 Speaker 1: who he is. You didn't do anything wrong. You just 309 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:41,920 Speaker 1: meant misread them, and they misread you. So the minute 310 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,479 Speaker 1: that they couldn't get what they want. You know how 311 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,560 Speaker 1: that happens. Let me tell you how that happens. It 312 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:51,719 Speaker 1: happens very often when a woman is separated from her father, 313 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 1: you know, either through divorce or him the parents don't 314 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,920 Speaker 1: live together, and daddy shows up on the weekend with 315 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 1: popcor and a pretty dress, and he gives her some money, 316 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,919 Speaker 1: and then he's gone for another three weeks and then 317 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 1: he comes back. It's what they call a Disneyland dad. 318 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 1: So women grow into the experience that I can value 319 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,359 Speaker 1: a man based on what he can give me, not 320 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:20,359 Speaker 1: on based on who he is. And maybe those women 321 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:23,679 Speaker 1: you married had that history. You don't have nothing to 322 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:29,399 Speaker 1: do with you. Your mistake was living into their fantasy that 323 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,360 Speaker 1: a man is only as good as what he gives. 324 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: Can you hear me? 325 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,000 Speaker 2: Yes? Man? 326 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,160 Speaker 1: And they changed their mind. They said, Okay, he ain't 327 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 1: given me what I want. I want that no more. 328 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,960 Speaker 1: Let me go get somebody that can give me what 329 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,159 Speaker 1: I want. And I don't know any of this to 330 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,560 Speaker 1: be true. I'm just assessing based on what you're telling me, 331 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,639 Speaker 1: because I'm talking to you, not them. But here's what 332 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,040 Speaker 1: I know. Here's what I know. Sure as I'm black 333 00:20:56,080 --> 00:21:03,920 Speaker 1: and old and i'm both, and oh okay. A man 334 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,719 Speaker 1: who would raise two of his daughters, a man who 335 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:12,119 Speaker 1: would take two of his girl offspring from their mother 336 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,879 Speaker 1: is a man of high quality. How old are you? 337 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:17,399 Speaker 1: I'll marry you? What you? What you? 338 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:17,600 Speaker 2: Uh? 339 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 1: And you're a nurse too? Where you live? 340 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:21,600 Speaker 2: What you? 341 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:26,080 Speaker 1: How old you is? Come on, I'll take care, I 342 00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,800 Speaker 1: can cook, I clean. 343 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 2: Fifty one? 344 00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:39,440 Speaker 1: Oh god, you're younger than my son. I don't think 345 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: he would appreciate me bringing you home. Oh my god. 346 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:51,280 Speaker 1: You didn't do anything wrong belove him except not stand 347 00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:54,399 Speaker 1: up fully in the truth of who you are. A 348 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:59,320 Speaker 1: good man, an honorable man, a respectable man, a man 349 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:05,879 Speaker 1: of high integrity. Yeah, but you valued yourself based on 350 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,040 Speaker 1: what you do, not on who you are. That's the 351 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,880 Speaker 1: only mistake you made. And so you attracted women who 352 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:17,080 Speaker 1: were enticed what you're doing because you talked about your 353 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:21,240 Speaker 1: jobs and moving away for a job and boo woo boo. No. No. 354 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:27,600 Speaker 2: So, with this current situation, what do I need to 355 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,840 Speaker 2: do to make sure I don't mess this up or 356 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,160 Speaker 2: find myself to showing my insecurity. 357 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:42,200 Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back 358 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 359 00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:50,119 Speaker 1: The first thing you have to do is stop thinking 360 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:52,639 Speaker 1: that you messed up the other marriages that's the first 361 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: thing you got to do that. 362 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:56,639 Speaker 2: Okay. 363 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, forgive yourself for thinking that you're the failure of 364 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,760 Speaker 1: your marriages were your fault. Let's let's do that. I 365 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:08,560 Speaker 1: want to hear you say that, I forgive myself for believing. 366 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:09,879 Speaker 1: Say that for me. 367 00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:12,680 Speaker 2: I forgive myself for believing. 368 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 1: That the end of my first two marriages. 369 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,080 Speaker 2: At the end of the first my first two marriages. 370 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:20,240 Speaker 1: Was my fault. 371 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:21,160 Speaker 2: Was my fault. 372 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,439 Speaker 1: What do you feel when you say that? What do 373 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 1: you feel? 374 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,800 Speaker 2: Your relief? They're better? 375 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:32,320 Speaker 1: Okay, repeat this for me. I forgive myself for believing 376 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:37,080 Speaker 1: there was something I could have done to save my 377 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,359 Speaker 1: first two marriages. 378 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:43,000 Speaker 2: I forgive myself for believing there was something I could 379 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,200 Speaker 2: have done, say my first two marriages. 380 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:54,199 Speaker 1: Yeah, take a breath. You believe that. So say this 381 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:58,879 Speaker 1: for me. I am enough, I am enough. I am enough. 382 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:00,440 Speaker 2: I am enough. 383 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,760 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, just as I am. 384 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:07,960 Speaker 2: I am enough, Just as I am I am enough. 385 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:13,680 Speaker 1: Yeah. So what I want you to do now? You said, 386 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,679 Speaker 1: what do you need to do? I want you to 387 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:19,720 Speaker 1: straighten your spine. Straighten your spine, because I can almost 388 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,920 Speaker 1: see you hunched over. I want you to straighten your spine. 389 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 1: Come on, sit up. I want you to take a breath. Now, 390 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,399 Speaker 1: this is gonna sound this is gonna sound weird, and 391 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:37,880 Speaker 1: I'm not being dirty or inappropriate. I want to get 392 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,760 Speaker 1: some energy moving in your body. Okay, So I want 393 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,399 Speaker 1: you let's say if you had to urinate and you 394 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,639 Speaker 1: couldn't go, you know how you would tighten up your 395 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,359 Speaker 1: people down there? You know well what I'm talking about, 396 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:52,800 Speaker 1: the three people. Tighten them up, Tighten them up. Straighten 397 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,919 Speaker 1: your spine, and now say just as I am, I 398 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,199 Speaker 1: am enough, tighten them up? 399 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,000 Speaker 2: Am I am enough? 400 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 1: Wow? Look at that? 401 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:05,080 Speaker 2: Yeah? 402 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:09,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, you felt that, didn't you? You tighten them people up? 403 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,680 Speaker 1: You straighten your smiling up and tighten up your people. Yeah, 404 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,880 Speaker 1: she getting a prized She better. I'll tell you if 405 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,159 Speaker 1: you was a few, if you had another two years, 406 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:25,720 Speaker 1: i'd bring you home. I can't bring you home though 407 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,320 Speaker 1: you're too young. You're younger than my son. 408 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 2: I can't. 409 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:32,240 Speaker 1: I can't do it. I need me a nurse at 410 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,720 Speaker 1: my age you could take care of You could give 411 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:43,840 Speaker 1: me my meds and everything. Yeah listen, now I'm being practical. 412 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 1: So beloved, you didn't do anything wrong. You just you've 413 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:53,520 Speaker 1: been valuing and measuring yourself based on what you do, 414 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 1: not on who you are. So listen, don't be don't 415 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,879 Speaker 1: dump all of that stuff in that woman's lap. You 416 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:07,199 Speaker 1: understand that she don't. Don't do that. Here's what's your vision? 417 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 1: What is your vision for your next relationship? That's what 418 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: I want you to know when you see yourself? Can 419 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,239 Speaker 1: you see yourself with this woman until you take your 420 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:17,800 Speaker 1: last brother? 421 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,600 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, I can't. I definitely can. 422 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:25,720 Speaker 1: So ask her, ask her, can you see yourself with 423 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,600 Speaker 1: me until you take your last breath? The last thing 424 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,159 Speaker 1: you see when you're getting ready to leave your body 425 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:35,320 Speaker 1: is my face? Can ask her if she can see that? Okay? 426 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,800 Speaker 1: And then what is your vision for this relationship? You've 427 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,640 Speaker 1: raised your daughters? How old are they now? 428 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:44,760 Speaker 2: Oldest is I'm seventeen. She's about to graduate high school. 429 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:48,280 Speaker 2: And my young Oh. 430 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,640 Speaker 1: Daddy, I'm so proud of you. Wait a minute, let 431 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,399 Speaker 1: me just do this for a minute. I am so 432 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:55,720 Speaker 1: proud of you, daddy. 433 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:56,480 Speaker 2: Dude. 434 00:26:56,480 --> 00:27:00,639 Speaker 1: How many seventeen year old girls are pregnant because they 435 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,119 Speaker 1: didn't have no daddy in their life? Yes, ma'am, you 436 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:09,639 Speaker 1: got a seventeen year old black woman. You'd raise somebody's 437 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:13,679 Speaker 1: mother and somebody's wife. That's what you did, daddy. 438 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:15,320 Speaker 2: Good. 439 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:21,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So what is your vision for your relationship 440 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:21,919 Speaker 1: with this woman? 441 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 2: I see its being happy and married, taking trips. 442 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,120 Speaker 1: Okay, where you're going, Where you're going? Which trip? Where 443 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:31,680 Speaker 1: you want to go? 444 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,159 Speaker 2: I want to take it to Egypt? 445 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,920 Speaker 1: Yes, yes, that came up in my mind. I love it. 446 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:39,840 Speaker 1: Does she want to go to Egypt? 447 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:41,800 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, she does. 448 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,800 Speaker 1: Okay, you're gonna fly and do a tour, or you're 449 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 1: going to do a cruise. 450 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 2: We're gonna fly. 451 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,159 Speaker 1: Actually, so you know what, you buy the plane ticket, 452 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,679 Speaker 1: you let her pay for the hotel. Don't try to 453 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:54,280 Speaker 1: do it all. 454 00:27:54,840 --> 00:28:00,440 Speaker 2: No, really, no, no. 455 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,080 Speaker 1: Or you'll going together. I'm trying to keep you from 456 00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:06,280 Speaker 1: doing the same mistakes, which is valuing yourself based on 457 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: what you do. I don't want you three years from 458 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:10,960 Speaker 1: now to say, oh, I took her to Egypt. I 459 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,440 Speaker 1: bought the plane ticket. Y'all got to do it together. 460 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,840 Speaker 1: I say, if I do the plane tickets, are you 461 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,119 Speaker 1: willing to find the hotels? Even if we go half 462 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:24,240 Speaker 1: on it? If she's a good woman, she'll do that. Okay, 463 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:27,080 Speaker 1: Because this is about y'all. The two of you your 464 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:30,360 Speaker 1: vision together, not what you bring to the table. Can 465 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:34,359 Speaker 1: you hear me, Yes, ma'am, and stop telling her all 466 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,000 Speaker 1: your brokenness. That's enough of that. 467 00:28:37,359 --> 00:28:38,640 Speaker 2: Oh yes. 468 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,120 Speaker 1: All you have to do is say, I recognize the 469 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,080 Speaker 1: mistakes I made. I'm not doing that again. And you 470 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,520 Speaker 1: can even tell her in a nice way. My marriages 471 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:50,440 Speaker 1: failed because I let them believe I was only worth 472 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,240 Speaker 1: what I could do, not who I am. I'm not 473 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:56,080 Speaker 1: gonna make that mistake again. You know, you start sending 474 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 1: her little clues so she don't get confused. 475 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:03,240 Speaker 2: In my life. She actually went to one of your 476 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:07,960 Speaker 2: retreats and actually was the one who told me about 477 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 2: you and your podcast and gave me a number so 478 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:16,880 Speaker 2: I can call you. She also mentioned that you're going 479 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,440 Speaker 2: to have another retreat for the men YEAP next year, 480 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,160 Speaker 2: and I wanted to ask you about that, yeah, and 481 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,400 Speaker 2: try to get some information about that, because. 482 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,120 Speaker 1: I want Reclaiming the Male Spirit up from here. You 483 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,520 Speaker 1: can go get that book right now up from here. 484 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:32,560 Speaker 1: But it's going to be a nine week training process 485 00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:36,040 Speaker 1: and then we're going to come together for four days, 486 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,640 Speaker 1: So you make sure you get on my mailing list. 487 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 1: But in the meantime you can go read up from here, 488 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,480 Speaker 1: and it talks about some of the common mistakes men 489 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 1: make and the situations that they find themselves in and 490 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:52,120 Speaker 1: how they can lift themselves up. I like her. If 491 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:55,560 Speaker 1: she wanted mine, she good, and if she go wrong, 492 00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:57,680 Speaker 1: you just send her back to me. I'll fix up 493 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,000 Speaker 1: for you. 494 00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:02,800 Speaker 2: She told me about the experience and how y'all y'all 495 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:06,120 Speaker 2: kind of bond did it. She got a chance to 496 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:09,960 Speaker 2: speak with you, and she got her name and everything, 497 00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:14,040 Speaker 2: and yeah, you really left an impact on it. 498 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:16,840 Speaker 1: She did write some passage. She must have done right 499 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,520 Speaker 1: the passage. She just did it recently. 500 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:19,960 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am. 501 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,640 Speaker 1: Okay, so she's a rite of passage lady. She gonna 502 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 1: buck if you say that. She got to pay for 503 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 1: the hotel, So thank you for sharing that information. 504 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:37,120 Speaker 2: You about to make me do something crazy message? 505 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:40,520 Speaker 1: Yeah no, okay, Well then don't ask her. But because 506 00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 1: if she did write some passage, I know she got 507 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,680 Speaker 1: a solid foundation. So you're gonna have to pay for 508 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,480 Speaker 1: the plane tickets in the hotel. But let her find 509 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:51,640 Speaker 1: it and let her pick whatever it is that she wants, 510 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,720 Speaker 1: and then let her find the hotel or the tour 511 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:59,560 Speaker 1: or whatever, and then you know, let her, invite her 512 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:01,720 Speaker 1: to tell you what she needs, and then you pay 513 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,920 Speaker 1: for it. My thing is let her participate. You don't 514 00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:07,360 Speaker 1: just do it all. I don't want her to measure 515 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:12,080 Speaker 1: you based on who you know what you do? Start 516 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:18,239 Speaker 1: making everything participatory, all right, it's man ha ha. And 517 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:22,080 Speaker 1: so listen, when those ugly thoughts come back, Why did 518 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,480 Speaker 1: this happen? Why can't I do this? You pull up 519 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:29,040 Speaker 1: your people, pull them up, straighten your spine, and simply say, 520 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 1: I forgive myself for believing I did anything wrong. That's 521 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,400 Speaker 1: all you need to do. And you're going to start 522 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:40,440 Speaker 1: dispensing that energy out because see, you, believing you did 523 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:45,880 Speaker 1: something wrong makes you feel inadequate as a man, and 524 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:50,160 Speaker 1: as a man, in adequacy is kryptonite. It'll poison you, 525 00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:53,479 Speaker 1: it'll kill you. So the reason you pull your people 526 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 1: up because that's the symbol of your manhood, and then 527 00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:03,160 Speaker 1: in that manhood you give yourself the grace of forgiveness. Yeah, 528 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,160 Speaker 1: it's scientific, it works. You feel better? Right? 529 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:07,360 Speaker 2: Yes? Man? 530 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:11,720 Speaker 1: Okay, tell me something you know now that you didn't 531 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:12,480 Speaker 1: know when you call. 532 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,600 Speaker 2: I know that I am ah. 533 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:20,920 Speaker 1: Yes, what else I know? 534 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:24,960 Speaker 2: I didn't do anything wrong? Yes, I know that I 535 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:25,680 Speaker 2: am a good man. 536 00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:30,480 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, And baby, that doesn't mean everything's gonna 537 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,760 Speaker 1: be smooth sailing because we're humans, and humans are a 538 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:37,360 Speaker 1: hard are crazy as hell, and relationships are one of 539 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,400 Speaker 1: the hardest things that we can do. But if you 540 00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:43,640 Speaker 1: have integrity and if you're honest, and if you're honorable, 541 00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:48,000 Speaker 1: it'll work out. And when you're vibrating in a different place, 542 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,800 Speaker 1: I don't hear you vibrating in sadness anymore. You know, 543 00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:54,200 Speaker 1: you still look got a little wobble in there, but 544 00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:57,880 Speaker 1: it'll get different as as you do it different. Man, 545 00:32:58,720 --> 00:32:59,880 Speaker 1: My work here is done. 546 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,480 Speaker 2: Ah, thank you so much. Thank you. 547 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:06,720 Speaker 1: Okay, my love, and and I want to see you 548 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,440 Speaker 1: at up from here, go get that book up from here. 549 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:12,320 Speaker 1: And then I want to see you this July at 550 00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:15,080 Speaker 1: the Men's Retreat and we're gonna get it all solidified 551 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:19,760 Speaker 1: because you will be shocked, horrified and excited at how 552 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:21,960 Speaker 1: many men are standing right where you're standing. 553 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:23,640 Speaker 2: You will definitely see me. 554 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:27,160 Speaker 1: Thank you for calling, Thank you for trusting me with 555 00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:30,480 Speaker 1: your heart. Thank you for being a male nurse. Thank 556 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,480 Speaker 1: you for that. Because so many men go into health 557 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,760 Speaker 1: care facilities and they're so demoralized by the fact that 558 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:41,320 Speaker 1: they're always surrounded by women. Thank you for that. Thank 559 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:44,880 Speaker 1: you for that service to humanity. And thank you for 560 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:49,320 Speaker 1: raising somebody's wife and somebody's future wife and future mother. 561 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 1: Thank you for that. Thank you. I'm just so excited 562 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,960 Speaker 1: about you. I don't even know what to do with myself. 563 00:33:56,360 --> 00:34:03,880 Speaker 2: Ah, I'm excited about this call. I thank you so 564 00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:05,280 Speaker 2: much for all you've done for me. 565 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:10,120 Speaker 1: I thank you for trusting yourself enough to call. How 566 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:14,360 Speaker 1: about that? Yes, man, Okay, you have a blessed and 567 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:15,080 Speaker 1: wonderful day. 568 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:17,200 Speaker 2: My love be blessed. 569 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:23,800 Speaker 1: Bye bye, bye bye. A broken heart based on betrayal, 570 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:29,200 Speaker 1: based on giving your all to a relationship and not 571 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:33,120 Speaker 1: having it returned, only to have your partner look you 572 00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:36,239 Speaker 1: in your face and lie to you about them being 573 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:40,520 Speaker 1: with somebody else. Yes, ladies, it happens to men two 574 00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:45,759 Speaker 1: and it leaves them as cripple, wounded and devastated as 575 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:51,120 Speaker 1: it leaves us. I think one of the most sacred 576 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:58,600 Speaker 1: and powerful things any man can do is to open himself, 577 00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:04,520 Speaker 1: allow himself to be vulnerable. Crying is simply the way 578 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:09,480 Speaker 1: that the heart expresses itself when there are no words 579 00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:14,080 Speaker 1: for men or for women, for men or for women 580 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:20,160 Speaker 1: when the heart is open and vulnerable and saw there 581 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:24,880 Speaker 1: are no words, and the result of that is tears. 582 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:32,400 Speaker 1: I heard my guests tears, but I didn't want to 583 00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:38,480 Speaker 1: run the risk of bringing guilt or shame or embarrassment 584 00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:44,560 Speaker 1: about allowing himself to be vulnerable. That's the R Spot 585 00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:48,799 Speaker 1: for today. Thank you for tuning in. In the meantime, 586 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:53,080 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time. 587 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:54,400 Speaker 2: Bye. 588 00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:01,200 Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shana Audio in 589 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:06,960 Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 590 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:11,359 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to 591 00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:12,760 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.