1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's the Velvet's 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson. 3 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,319 Speaker 2: Many of you who are college football fans will know 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:18,119 Speaker 2: Lauren Sissler from her Emmy Award winning sideline reporting for ESPN, 5 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:21,599 Speaker 2: but behind the end zones the interviews, and her viral 6 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,279 Speaker 2: sideline Shimmy, which I want to talk about. By the way, 7 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 2: there was a secret she was carrying. In her new book, Shatterproof, 8 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,639 Speaker 2: How I overcame the shame of losing my parents to 9 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:35,640 Speaker 2: opioid addiction and found my sideline Shimmy. Lauren courageously shares 10 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,320 Speaker 2: her journey through grief, shock and shame and how she 11 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:42,000 Speaker 2: found the strength to confront and redeem her tragedy. So 12 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 2: that is what we're here to talk about. 13 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 3: Hi, Lauren, Hello Kelly. 14 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 4: How are you today? 15 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 3: I am good. 16 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,440 Speaker 2: You sound like you've had a busy day. We were 17 00:00:49,479 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 2: just talking about You're doing a lot of interviews for 18 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:52,920 Speaker 2: this book. How's it been going. 19 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,360 Speaker 4: Yeah, it's been going good. Running a million miles a minute, 20 00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:00,160 Speaker 4: it feels like doing a lot of interviews and I'm 21 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,160 Speaker 4: doing a lot of public speaking. You know, the million 22 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,960 Speaker 4: dollar question is always like what do you do? In 23 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 4: the off season because my primary season is college football. 24 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 4: I do some college gymnastics as well. I covered gymnastics, 25 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 4: and I've got a couple of meets sprinkled throughout the season, 26 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,759 Speaker 4: but for the most part, my on season is September 27 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,440 Speaker 4: through December. But I'm like, I don't know how I 28 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,679 Speaker 4: do it. I manage it, but I literally stay busier 29 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,040 Speaker 4: in my. 30 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 2: Off season I'm doing I'm just like, what am I doing? 31 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,760 Speaker 4: You know? But it's all good. It's good. It's been great, 32 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,399 Speaker 4: and I just love that I've had the opportunity to 33 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 4: spread the word, spread the message, and love getting to 34 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:34,199 Speaker 4: chat with you today. 35 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 2: Well, I'm really excited to hear about your story. It's 36 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,759 Speaker 2: a lot there's a lot of resilience. I hear even 37 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,520 Speaker 2: in the title of your book. I mean, I think 38 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,560 Speaker 2: specifically even the title is kind of shocking to hear. 39 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 2: Can you talk us through what happened in that part 40 00:01:47,319 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 2: of your story and what happened with the death of 41 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:50,600 Speaker 2: your parents. 42 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 4: Yes, so just you know, a wild and crazy journey 43 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,400 Speaker 4: and one that came with a lot of shock. So 44 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 4: the word shame obviously resonates, and a lot of that 45 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 4: is because my parents died of prescription drug overdoses. But 46 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 4: it was something that literally came as such a shock 47 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,000 Speaker 4: to our family. And I think that that's the hardest 48 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,520 Speaker 4: thing that when we are walking in this journey with 49 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 4: addiction and dealing with you know, our loved ones that 50 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,480 Speaker 4: are that are that are struggling with substance use, there's 51 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 4: such a label attached to it. And I think for 52 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,359 Speaker 4: me that really carried me through life for many many 53 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 4: years because we grow up society tells us what an 54 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:33,600 Speaker 4: addict is, and you know, my parents were happy, loving 55 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 4: people that went to work and were educated and fun 56 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:40,360 Speaker 4: loving and all the things that society tells you that 57 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,239 Speaker 4: an addict isn't. But that's where we have to rip 58 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 4: off those labels and realize is that we can all 59 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,240 Speaker 4: be impacted by addiction, and we all are touched by 60 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,040 Speaker 4: it in some way, you know, whether it's you know, 61 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,520 Speaker 4: a close loved one, whether you the individual are struggling 62 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,600 Speaker 4: with it, or somebody in your network. And so you know, 63 00:02:57,639 --> 00:02:59,440 Speaker 4: for me, the shock of it all was when I 64 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,400 Speaker 4: got the call for my dad. I was a freshman 65 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,800 Speaker 4: at Rutgers, living my dream college gymnast on scholarship, doing 66 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,040 Speaker 4: life as scripted or at least as I thought was scripted. 67 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,799 Speaker 4: And I get the call from my dad one evening 68 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 4: my second semester to let me know my mom died. 69 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 4: And really it came as a complete shock, Kelly, because 70 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,680 Speaker 4: I had just talked to my parents hours before, literally 71 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,640 Speaker 4: just hung up the phone with them a few hours before. 72 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 4: Everything seemed fine. My mom forty five, my dad fifty two, 73 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,400 Speaker 4: and you know, we were just doing life and I 74 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 4: was starting this new chapter with the college career, and 75 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,240 Speaker 4: everything was going well. I'd just seen my parents in February, 76 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 4: and it just what do you mean? Mom died? And 77 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 4: he said, look, I need you to get on the 78 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 4: next plane you can, and I'll be at the airport 79 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,120 Speaker 4: to pick you up. And unfortunately he never did show up, 80 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 4: and instead it was my uncle and my cousin who 81 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 4: had to deliver the news that he too had passed away. 82 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,680 Speaker 2: Did you have any inkling that there was any sort 83 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 2: of addiction problem when you look back where you're looking thinking, okay, 84 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 2: that there was that or there was this. I mean, 85 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 2: I know you were only eighteen, so how much were 86 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 2: you like aware of I think. 87 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,920 Speaker 4: That's where we're really good at kind of seeing through 88 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,160 Speaker 4: things or past things right, because I do think this 89 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:13,160 Speaker 4: addiction was kind of somewhat in focus. 90 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:13,840 Speaker 3: Okay. 91 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,159 Speaker 4: I think my parents did a great job though of 92 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,599 Speaker 4: hiding it right. And so, you know, I think that 93 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,080 Speaker 4: when things kind of started for them, they were going 94 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,160 Speaker 4: to a pay management doctor in my hometown of Run, Virginia. 95 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,359 Speaker 4: My dad had chronic back pain and he was also 96 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,720 Speaker 4: in the military, you know, had some issues with some PTSD, 97 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 4: some depression, and then my mom had degenerative dis disease. 98 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 4: And so they're going to this pay management doctor taking 99 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 4: medications as prescribed. So when you open up the pill 100 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:47,839 Speaker 4: cabinet and you see a mountain of narcotics, you see 101 00:04:47,839 --> 00:04:49,640 Speaker 4: their name on it, you don't think anything of it. 102 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,960 Speaker 4: You think, well, this is prescribed by a doctor, so 103 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 4: you just kind of look past it. Really and you know, again, 104 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 4: my parents are really good at making things seem fine, fine, 105 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,880 Speaker 4: everything's fine, Everything's fine. And I think that I just 106 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 4: kind of lived in a little bit of that la 107 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,760 Speaker 4: la land because I thought that what my parents were 108 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,280 Speaker 4: saying was true, and you know, I wanted to believe 109 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,039 Speaker 4: that my parents had it all figured out. Sure, I 110 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 4: put them on a pedestal. They were mine and my 111 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 4: brother's biggest supporters. They cheered us on through everything held 112 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 4: our hand, made sure we had everything we needed to succeed. 113 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 4: But little did I know underneath it all, you know, 114 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:30,600 Speaker 4: they were struggling with the addiction, and then not only that, 115 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:34,719 Speaker 4: but financial disarray. I mean, the finances within our home 116 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,839 Speaker 4: were just a total disaster, and really there was nothing 117 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,160 Speaker 4: left when they passed away. I mean, there was no will, 118 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 4: the cars were repossessed, the house went into foreclosure. We 119 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:47,039 Speaker 4: were left with absolutely nothing. And looking back, you know, 120 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,560 Speaker 4: I kind of see things here and there that I'm like, oh, well, 121 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 4: that could have been a red flag. That could have 122 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,840 Speaker 4: been a red flag. But when you're in the throes 123 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 4: of it, and when you have the two people that 124 00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:59,840 Speaker 4: literally love you through everything, you just kind of don't 125 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,719 Speaker 4: have questions, Like you just they said it's fine, Okay, 126 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 4: it's fine, and then you just keep moving. 127 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 2: I love that you're bringing attention to the fact that 128 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 2: addiction doesn't always look the way that we've been told 129 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 2: it looks, because I think so often when you associate 130 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:18,240 Speaker 2: someone like an addict, you would think, Okay, they're living 131 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 2: on the streets, they look all ragged. But what you're 132 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 2: describing to me is two very functioning, seeming parents who 133 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 2: still were loving, still showed up for you guys. I mean, 134 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,320 Speaker 2: I know there was the financial issues behind the scenes, 135 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 2: but there wasn't this like outward expression of this addiction. 136 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 2: Is that something that you've become big into talking about 137 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,640 Speaker 2: now that you've realized that this was like this underlying 138 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 2: thing happening in your life, Like I see that all 139 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,279 Speaker 2: the time, and I'm assuming you do too, right. 140 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,680 Speaker 4: Yeah, absolutely, And I think that is one thing because 141 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 4: I think in life, what I've realized is we love 142 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 4: to throw labels on people, right right, might as well 143 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,160 Speaker 4: get a SHARPI out right on your forehead. And not 144 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,080 Speaker 4: only do we do that to others, I feel like 145 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,919 Speaker 4: we do it to ourselves. Let's let's be real, like 146 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 4: the impostor syndrome is real. And I mean I find 147 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 4: myself doing it all the time, like throwing labels at myself, 148 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 4: and I'm like, wait a sec like come on, And 149 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,320 Speaker 4: I think that that is what unfortunately, with the way 150 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,120 Speaker 4: society kind of deems, you know, we put people in buckets, 151 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 4: we put people in different arenas, and we say, well, 152 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,040 Speaker 4: that's not something I would ever deal with or go through. 153 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,240 Speaker 4: And I think that's where we really have to kind 154 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,560 Speaker 4: of like realize that, you know, we love to we 155 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 4: love to create a social norm, but let's be real, 156 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 4: like there is no norm, and really, in reality, when 157 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,680 Speaker 4: you when you piece it all together, we are all 158 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:49,239 Speaker 4: dealing with this thing of whether it's substance use, whether 159 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,760 Speaker 4: it's an addiction of food, gambling, pornography, like there's a 160 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 4: million things that we are gripped towards. And then not 161 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 4: to mention with the way we do social media, the 162 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 4: comparison game. We're always looking at everybody's highlights, but what 163 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 4: we don't take a moment to realize is that like 164 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:13,400 Speaker 4: those highlights are the best of someone, we're not always 165 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,480 Speaker 4: seeing what's happening behind the scenes at people's lowest moments. 166 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 4: And so, you know, we just really have to rip 167 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 4: off those labels and realize that we are all human, 168 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,440 Speaker 4: we are all flawed, We are all trying to figure 169 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,000 Speaker 4: this out. And I love to say like we are 170 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,520 Speaker 4: a work in progress. Every single day. Nobody's got it 171 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,200 Speaker 4: truly figured out. And we're always striving for something else, 172 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,839 Speaker 4: striving for that next thing, whether it's a goal or 173 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,200 Speaker 4: whatever is is kind of next in line, and you know. 174 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,520 Speaker 4: That's my hope is that we can just recognize like 175 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:50,000 Speaker 4: nobody's exempt from life's difficult circumstances, and every single person 176 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,560 Speaker 4: has the ability to go down a dark road but 177 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,720 Speaker 4: also has the ability to come to the other side 178 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 4: of light through hope. 179 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,240 Speaker 2: So you obviously put the word shame in You're tied. Oh, 180 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,320 Speaker 2: so this was a big piece of your journey, and 181 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,200 Speaker 2: I find it so interesting. I mean, I've told you 182 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 2: before the podcast, I come from an alcoholic family as well, 183 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,480 Speaker 2: and so I identified with so much of your story 184 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 2: and just the word shame in general was so perfect 185 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,320 Speaker 2: for me because what people don't understand about coming from 186 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,400 Speaker 2: a family system with addiction is everyone's a part of it, 187 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 2: and so whatever that manifests like for you might be different, 188 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,320 Speaker 2: but for me, shame and just wanting my family to 189 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:32,960 Speaker 2: be like everyone else's was such a big unlearning for me. 190 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,120 Speaker 2: So can you talk about what shame looked like in 191 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 2: your life and why that was such a big word 192 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 2: for you, Like it was in the title of your book, 193 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:42,839 Speaker 2: So why was that so important for you to talk about? 194 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,319 Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, shame is something that ooh, it'll get 195 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,240 Speaker 4: its claws in you and you kind of mentioned the 196 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,480 Speaker 4: alcohol piece of it. So my dad was an alcoholic 197 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:52,640 Speaker 4: and it was something I knew, but like ten year 198 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,719 Speaker 4: old me, like didn't really know, like what you is 199 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:56,560 Speaker 4: that right? 200 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:56,520 Speaker 1: Right? 201 00:09:56,559 --> 00:10:00,120 Speaker 4: As a gymnast, like my competitive spirit in me, he 202 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 4: was like compartmentalize, put it on a shelf, forget about it, 203 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 4: move on. And that was always kind of how I 204 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,360 Speaker 4: did things. So when my dad would relapse, you know, 205 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,679 Speaker 4: and a lot of times it was on special occasions, 206 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 4: maybe his birthday when you know, he lost his mom, 207 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,880 Speaker 4: you know, different things would always kind of spark up 208 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:20,640 Speaker 4: for him and kind of trigger trigger the relapses. And again, 209 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,760 Speaker 4: I just felt like I always did a good job 210 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 4: of like, all right, it's temporary, we're moving on. And 211 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,600 Speaker 4: then underneath it all, even though I was so good 212 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:33,280 Speaker 4: at compartmentalizing, shame was always there. And I'll tell you why, 213 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 4: because I remember as the ten year old, you know, 214 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,959 Speaker 4: being out playing in the backyard, jumping on the trampoline 215 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 4: and my friend, my friend Ellie, my best friend growing up, 216 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,040 Speaker 4: would call me and say, hey, you know, let's play, 217 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 4: let's get together. I'm gonna you know, I want to 218 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,560 Speaker 4: come to your house. Let's jump on the trampoline. And 219 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:51,000 Speaker 4: I remember in those times when my father was drinking 220 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 4: that because it would usually be a couple of days, 221 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,680 Speaker 4: like you know, he'd go on these like vendors, and 222 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:59,239 Speaker 4: his personality would always shift, and I would be like, oh, 223 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,120 Speaker 4: I said, well, why don't come play your house? So 224 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 4: I would. I would do everything I could to avoid 225 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 4: because I didn't want her coming to my house and 226 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,080 Speaker 4: seeing my dad, or potentially the eruption of a fight 227 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 4: between him and my mom because he was drinking. Like 228 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:15,320 Speaker 4: I did everything I could just stay away from it. 229 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,160 Speaker 4: And so even though I did a great job of compartmentalizing, 230 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,959 Speaker 4: I don't even remember when I would be in gymnastics 231 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,920 Speaker 4: practice and he would walk into the gym and my dad. 232 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 4: Usually my mom was the one taking me to and 233 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,720 Speaker 4: front practice, but every once in a while, you know, 234 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,719 Speaker 4: my dad, coming from work or whatever, would pick me up. 235 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,719 Speaker 4: And it was interesting because. 236 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:39,960 Speaker 5: I could almost immediately tell if he was sober or 237 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 5: if he had been drinking, just like he didn't even 238 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,320 Speaker 5: have to open his mouth, just when he would walk 239 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,439 Speaker 5: into the gym, I could. 240 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 4: Just see, just just see it on his face. You know, 241 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 4: you talk about that shame piece. Even though as a 242 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,080 Speaker 4: young child. I did a lot to kind of like 243 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,560 Speaker 4: escape it. It was always there in the back of 244 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:03,440 Speaker 4: my mind. And it's amazing that things will tell ourselves 245 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:07,160 Speaker 4: and tell other people to try to avoid the things 246 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:12,280 Speaker 4: that we feel are shameful, the hiding, hiding. 247 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, I was reading on your website you said I 248 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:26,840 Speaker 2: lost my voice when a shame shattered my heart, and 249 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 2: I thought that was such an interesting connection to think 250 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,800 Speaker 2: about the way that shame stifles us in our life. 251 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,280 Speaker 2: Can you talk about that a little bit, like did 252 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 2: it expand for you once your parents passed away and 253 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,560 Speaker 2: because of the nature of how they died, did your 254 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:47,240 Speaker 2: shame get worse? Did it like stifle you more after that? 255 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 2: Or was this, like you said, a consistent thing throughout 256 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,640 Speaker 2: your life? 257 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:53,199 Speaker 4: You know it absolutely, I mean it shut me down 258 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 4: because here's the thing, I think for so many years, 259 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,120 Speaker 4: especially in the wake of my parents passing, I went 260 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 4: back to Rutgers, I had all the love and support, 261 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,640 Speaker 4: we love you, we're here for you, and it really 262 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:06,319 Speaker 4: was just this constant like you're so strong, you're a fighter, 263 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 4: you're a lawyer, you're an overcomer, and literally I feel like, 264 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:15,000 Speaker 4: you know, like I'm being told like you're so strong. 265 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 4: I admire you, I look up to you. I felt 266 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:19,400 Speaker 4: like I had to be that person of admiration. And 267 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,079 Speaker 4: now all of a sudden, like I couldn't come out 268 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 4: and say what was happening behind closed doors. I couldn't 269 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,400 Speaker 4: come out and say what I maybe thought to be 270 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,680 Speaker 4: true that my parents were strong on with addiction. So literally, 271 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:34,200 Speaker 4: I like told these stories when people would ask, well, 272 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,800 Speaker 4: what happened to your parents, I literally came up with 273 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 4: the sugarcoated story of mom died of respiratory failure, Dad 274 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 4: died of a heart attack. Literally, those words came out 275 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,680 Speaker 4: of my mouth so many times that like in my 276 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 4: heart of hearts, in my belief system, that my mom 277 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:54,280 Speaker 4: and dad were not anywhere remotely attached to and or 278 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 4: touching addiction in any way, shape or form there was, 279 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 4: I just couldn't. I couldn't use the word overdose or 280 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,200 Speaker 4: addiction in the same time sentence with both my parents. 281 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:05,360 Speaker 4: It was just like new way, And I think you 282 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,040 Speaker 4: can tell yourself those things so much, and so that 283 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,559 Speaker 4: shame just got even deeper and deeper and deeper. And 284 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,800 Speaker 4: now standing on the other side of it, I can 285 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:18,640 Speaker 4: now see why my parents were so fearful and so 286 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 4: ashamed and so afraid to speak up about what they 287 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:27,640 Speaker 4: were going through. And I feel sadness for them and 288 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 4: that thought that they didn't have the courage to speak 289 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,560 Speaker 4: up because of the fear of the judgment and what's 290 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,040 Speaker 4: going to come on the other side. How are we 291 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,040 Speaker 4: going to be judged? What are people going to think? 292 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 4: And what are the consequences going to be? And so 293 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,160 Speaker 4: for them, it was literally just robbing Peter to pay 294 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 4: Paul the last few years of our lives. Like looking 295 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,320 Speaker 4: back on it, it's things like writing a ten dollars 296 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 4: check to the power company to keep the power on, 297 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:03,880 Speaker 4: doing everything they could to On the surface, everything's fine, 298 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,760 Speaker 4: but underneath it all, they were literally just drowning and 299 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,560 Speaker 4: suffocating with this addiction. And you know, I think one 300 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,360 Speaker 4: thing that as I'm on this journey, and you know, 301 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,520 Speaker 4: I'll never probably know the real true answer to this 302 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 4: and the timeline, but I haven't covered a lot, especially 303 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,200 Speaker 4: in writing the book, you know, having to dig a 304 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:26,320 Speaker 4: lot deeper into the timeline. But you know, I've always 305 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,440 Speaker 4: kind of wondered, at what point did my parents know 306 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 4: that they had a problem, And specifically, you know, my 307 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,120 Speaker 4: dad knew we had a problem with drinking, like that 308 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 4: was something that was known. He went to his counselor's 309 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,840 Speaker 4: hiss AA meetings. But I'm talking specifically about the prescription 310 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:44,520 Speaker 4: drugs that they were taking for their chronic pain. At 311 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:50,640 Speaker 4: what point did something tell them this isn't right, I'm 312 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:55,480 Speaker 4: in trouble. Oh, And it just like ugh, even saying 313 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,600 Speaker 4: that out loud, just like it's like a gut punch, 314 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 4: because it like takes me almost back to that time 315 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:05,560 Speaker 4: of just being like, these are two people, and like 316 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,480 Speaker 4: you go down this road of life and you can't 317 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,520 Speaker 4: you only see so far in front of you, right, 318 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,720 Speaker 4: you can only see a couple steps ahead of you. 319 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 4: You're not seeing the entire road, and in many ways, 320 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 4: just how tragic their lives ended. It just makes me 321 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,240 Speaker 4: sad to think that as they were walking down this 322 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,560 Speaker 4: road at some point they entered it into this darkness 323 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 4: and they were never able to find the light again. 324 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,200 Speaker 2: You kind of touched on this earlier. It's so wild 325 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,000 Speaker 2: that we pretty much live in an addiction based society 326 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,200 Speaker 2: now and we don't talk about it. Like everyone has 327 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 2: some form of something that we're using to kind of 328 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,480 Speaker 2: dumb down all the emotions that are coming up in 329 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:48,120 Speaker 2: such a tumultuous time in our world, you know, And 330 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 2: so we have these medicators that we use, but it's 331 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,680 Speaker 2: not really talked about, like if you're medicating with something, 332 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,560 Speaker 2: Oh wait, that is what addiction is, Like, that is 333 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,280 Speaker 2: how it starts. And your parents were a little bit 334 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,680 Speaker 2: ahead of this time, and so I'm sure the shame 335 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,840 Speaker 2: was even bigger during that time, and the hiding and 336 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,520 Speaker 2: the wanting to you know, put up a good keep 337 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,879 Speaker 2: up with the Joneses kind of energy and mentality. So 338 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:13,480 Speaker 2: it's just kind of crazy to think about. 339 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 4: That's such a good point, Kelly, because I do think 340 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:19,960 Speaker 4: that society things have shifted so much. Yeah. Look, I'm 341 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,359 Speaker 4: forty years old. Of course, I'm like on the fringe 342 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,280 Speaker 4: of being a millennial, I guess. But I think back 343 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,280 Speaker 4: to like, I mean, look, we had like dial up internet, 344 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:28,919 Speaker 4: Like back when I was in high school. It was 345 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,040 Speaker 4: like get in that chat room and like, you know, 346 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 4: the dial up you know whatever, like took forever and 347 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,840 Speaker 4: now we're sitting here like instant gratification. Oh you know, 348 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,679 Speaker 4: this page is taking two seconds to load, you know, 349 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 4: like hurry up. I mean, it's just wild. Yeah, And 350 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,879 Speaker 4: I think that you know, in so many ways, and 351 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,280 Speaker 4: I don't know if you can relate to this, but 352 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,600 Speaker 4: there are days where and especially now having a twenty 353 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:56,440 Speaker 4: month old, I think about like life back then and 354 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 4: how things were so different and yes, we have the 355 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,119 Speaker 4: pleasures of you know, cell phones. I laugh about this, 356 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:05,399 Speaker 4: like we used to have atlases like to get us 357 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,879 Speaker 4: from you know, we would drive twelve hours to Florida 358 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 4: for gymnastics competition, and like, how the heck did we 359 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,560 Speaker 4: even get there? Happiness, what was like highlighted? You know, 360 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,159 Speaker 4: Gosh forbid, you don't have your navigation. But then I 361 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,439 Speaker 4: think about like some of the times then and just 362 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 4: the simpler times, and like the stresses of it all. 363 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,199 Speaker 4: And granted, you know, our stress then when I was 364 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,760 Speaker 4: you know, five, six, seven, eight, obviously is a lot 365 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,680 Speaker 4: different than it is now, just like the stressors for 366 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,159 Speaker 4: my parents. I'm sure you know, in their day their 367 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,480 Speaker 4: stresses were far greater, you know, as adults and what 368 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,400 Speaker 4: they were dealing with, certainly, But I think that's such 369 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,119 Speaker 4: a great question to ponder too, because you're right, like 370 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 4: people just don't want to talk about it. And then 371 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 4: I will say this because for a long time I 372 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,919 Speaker 4: did the whole. Once I started coming out that my 373 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,119 Speaker 4: parents had you know, died of overdoses, I was always 374 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,680 Speaker 4: like real adamant prescription drug overdoses. Like I had to 375 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,800 Speaker 4: really like highlight that because I needed people to know 376 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,320 Speaker 4: and like to know that wol was prescribed to them. 377 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,120 Speaker 4: But the bottom line is Kelly like, they literally took 378 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 4: fetanol and my mom had a pain patch. My dad 379 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,640 Speaker 4: was prescribed oxy's. She was prescribed the fetanyl pain patch 380 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,000 Speaker 4: to try to manage her pain time release. They stuck 381 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,240 Speaker 4: it in the freezer and cut it open and overdosed 382 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 4: on it. So even though it was a prescription drug, 383 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,399 Speaker 4: it was very much abused. 384 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,480 Speaker 3: Yeah right, yeah, And so. 385 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,160 Speaker 4: You kind of cut that part out of the story 386 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,879 Speaker 4: and all prescription drugs like, oh, you know, but it 387 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:37,280 Speaker 4: does also show how quickly, you know, you go in 388 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 4: for a procedure whatever it is, and next thing you 389 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 4: come out and all of a sudden you're like, ooh, 390 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 4: this makes me feel good, this takes away the pain, 391 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,080 Speaker 4: or I can't stop taking this. And then the same 392 00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:51,119 Speaker 4: with anxiety, and you know, I think that we're filled, 393 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,960 Speaker 4: our society is filled with so much anxiety. And I 394 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,320 Speaker 4: will never tell someone like don't take medicare. I'm never 395 00:19:57,359 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 4: going to stand up here and be like, you know 396 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,960 Speaker 4: you need a cold, never take medication everever ever, because 397 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,320 Speaker 4: I'm not walking in your shoes. But I will say 398 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,560 Speaker 4: we have to talk about it to become educated and 399 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:13,720 Speaker 4: to know that we have options right and that even 400 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 4: you know, a doctor's going to tell us something. I mean, 401 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,560 Speaker 4: when I had my son, yes I had an epidural. 402 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 4: I was not going all natural Nancy over here, but 403 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,879 Speaker 4: I will say that I was aware that through research 404 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 4: and friends and people kind of enlightening me was that hey, 405 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,920 Speaker 4: you know, they're likely going to put opioids into your IV, 406 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 4: but you can opt out of that. But it might 407 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,640 Speaker 4: be a conversation you want to have ahead of time 408 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,720 Speaker 4: because once you're you know, out of it, you might 409 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,440 Speaker 4: not have a choice. That that might just be their 410 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,920 Speaker 4: normal protocols. Well, thank goodness I did because instead of 411 00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:50,080 Speaker 4: being you know, pump full of opioids and narcotics, I 412 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,440 Speaker 4: literally did a tile and all motrin sort of whatever. 413 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,320 Speaker 4: And that worked for me. And that's not going to 414 00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:59,800 Speaker 4: be for everybody. But I think knowledge is power, right, 415 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 4: our right to be able to say yes, I want 416 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 4: this or no, I don't. 417 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, and this is kind of a side step, 418 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,360 Speaker 2: but I talk about this a lot on the podcast 419 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 2: because the more I've learned about addiction in my adult life, 420 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 2: I think we're all just looking to survive, right, And 421 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,879 Speaker 2: so it's just it's a survival skill almost. It's the 422 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 2: thing that we need to get through the hardships, the problems, 423 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 2: and then it can go a little bit, it's like 424 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,040 Speaker 2: getting out of hand with it. But when you look 425 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:28,840 Speaker 2: at it as the survival skill, it's like it could 426 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,879 Speaker 2: be pills, it could be alcohol, it could be drugs, 427 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,520 Speaker 2: it could be sex. Whatever it is, it's just the 428 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 2: thing that's blocking us from connecting with the emotions that 429 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,639 Speaker 2: we're feeling, the anxiety that you talked about. And so 430 00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:43,120 Speaker 2: it's easy to look at some people's lives and go, well, 431 00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:45,640 Speaker 2: look how successful they are, but like, are they using 432 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,639 Speaker 2: work in that same way? Like there's a lot of 433 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,240 Speaker 2: things we do that are praised by society that are 434 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 2: in fact addictive behaviors too when you really look at it. 435 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,080 Speaker 2: So one of the things that I'm really passionate about 436 00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 2: is getting to the root of things and like why 437 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:03,119 Speaker 2: we're doing this, Like your parents pain, like is there 438 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,919 Speaker 2: another way, like you're talking about that it could have 439 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,359 Speaker 2: been dealt with so that we don't go down these 440 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:09,880 Speaker 2: like hardcore paths and just completely lose ourselves. 441 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 3: Just the things. 442 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,240 Speaker 4: Yeah, and I love that too, the survival piece of it, 443 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,880 Speaker 4: because you're right, like, yeah, you wake up every day 444 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:19,800 Speaker 4: and where there's joy, there's gonna be sadness. They coexist, 445 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,320 Speaker 4: it is. You know, where there is victory, there's going 446 00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:26,000 Speaker 4: to be hardships, and that's just that's just where we're 447 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,480 Speaker 4: at and that's just life, right. I think that, you know, 448 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,960 Speaker 4: everyone wants to paint that pretty picture. But to your point, 449 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 4: I love what you said there too, because then all 450 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,719 Speaker 4: of a sudden, it's like, oh, you see the highlight 451 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 4: and maybe they are really living their dream. Sure, there 452 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,960 Speaker 4: are always costs associated with it, and you know, I 453 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,920 Speaker 4: mean I will say that even in the sports world, 454 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,199 Speaker 4: like yes, like I get to cover college football and 455 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,919 Speaker 4: I'm out there when the confetti's raining down on the 456 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:53,439 Speaker 4: field like this is amazing. But also nobody sees like 457 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:58,080 Speaker 4: the not glamorous light right literally on the road. Oh man, 458 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:02,439 Speaker 4: my frequent flyer flyer mile are like whatever. But you know, 459 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,440 Speaker 4: there's a cost that comes with that they're like, yes, 460 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,680 Speaker 4: I get status, but also like, I'm on the road 461 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,600 Speaker 4: four out of the seven days a week during the 462 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:11,359 Speaker 4: whole season, that I don't get to be with my 463 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:15,119 Speaker 4: husband and my son and get to watch him do life, 464 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,080 Speaker 4: and like that's freaking hard. 465 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:18,120 Speaker 3: Yeah. 466 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the stuff we don't talk about. So 467 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,479 Speaker 2: I'm glad we're talking about it. 468 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, I want to. 469 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 2: I want to get to what this, this whole experience 470 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,880 Speaker 2: has taught you, because I'm always big on people using 471 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:32,360 Speaker 2: pain for purpose, which is literally what you're doing. And 472 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,800 Speaker 2: you talk about recognizing the power of your story is 473 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,840 Speaker 2: what leads you to your purpose. When did that switch 474 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,360 Speaker 2: happen for you? I thought that was such a beautiful statement, 475 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 2: But when did that happen for you? 476 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,879 Speaker 4: Well? I appreciate that, yeah, you know, for me, you know, 477 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,720 Speaker 4: And first and foremost, I will say this because obviously, 478 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,960 Speaker 4: on this journey, it's easy to kind of look like, oh, 479 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:55,040 Speaker 4: you know, she figured like she's figured it out, right, Well, 480 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,439 Speaker 4: truth be told, like, this has been a long, winding 481 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,000 Speaker 4: journey that has not been linear, that has been all 482 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,000 Speaker 4: over the place, and I'm still figuring it out. Yeah, 483 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,760 Speaker 4: but I will say where I really was opened up 484 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,280 Speaker 4: to this idea. I think this lens like this, this 485 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:12,080 Speaker 4: this lens shift happened, And for me, it really was 486 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 4: when I entered into the sports world, because you know, 487 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,760 Speaker 4: I get into sports thinking like like I was an athlete, 488 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,679 Speaker 4: I can empathize. I love sports, I love people, I 489 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:27,199 Speaker 4: love relationships, I love performing. But all of a sudden, 490 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:31,919 Speaker 4: I'm seeing this major ripple effect happen. You know, this 491 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,359 Speaker 4: story kind of comes to me. You know, somebody does something, 492 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:39,320 Speaker 4: this athlete has this amazing story that now I'm you know, 493 00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:42,600 Speaker 4: to me gifted the opportunity to share and be a 494 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:47,040 Speaker 4: voice bore And I'm like, I see this ripple effect 495 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,480 Speaker 4: happen where like, all of a sudden, like even if 496 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,520 Speaker 4: it's just one person that says, oh man, I saw 497 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:55,080 Speaker 4: that story, it changes their perception, It changes their perspective, 498 00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:58,960 Speaker 4: it changes their hopefulness, and now suddenly they feel hope, 499 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:04,119 Speaker 4: hopeful and not hopeless, right, And I'm like Wow. And 500 00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:07,080 Speaker 4: then not to mention, as a reporter, we are supposed 501 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:10,359 Speaker 4: to be operating with great integrity, and yet I felt 502 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,600 Speaker 4: like people were coming to me and saying, hey, Lauren, 503 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,840 Speaker 4: you know I trust you with my story here. And 504 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,399 Speaker 4: yet I'm over here like with my own story, just 505 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 4: like me, you know, like not lying about it. But 506 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:23,440 Speaker 4: it was close to a lie. 507 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,680 Speaker 3: It wasn't hiding too. 508 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,280 Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, it's just like kind of you know, 509 00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:31,560 Speaker 4: stepping away from that. And so I'm trying to encourage people. 510 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,760 Speaker 4: You know, I'm sitting on the opposite side of this 511 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,560 Speaker 4: right of the chair, doing the interview and hoping that 512 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:41,560 Speaker 4: I can have a conversation with someone, an open, honest, 513 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,440 Speaker 4: real conversation in which they just pour their heart out. 514 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 4: And yet I'm over here just like you know, and 515 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 4: so that really and again, it wasn't just like one 516 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,640 Speaker 4: day it was like I woke up and I'm like, oh, 517 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,920 Speaker 4: I'm going to own my story. It was it really was, 518 00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:59,439 Speaker 4: you know, just little baby steps along the way and 519 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,000 Speaker 4: then just that courage. And then what I realized is 520 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,360 Speaker 4: I was so fearful of the response of like, Okay, well, 521 00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:08,840 Speaker 4: when I do tell people that my parents died of overdoses, 522 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,200 Speaker 4: Like what's that response going to be? Like? Even the 523 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 4: people that love them, And you know, I think probably 524 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,640 Speaker 4: had a lot of questions themselves. You know a lot 525 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:21,040 Speaker 4: of people didn't know because I just literally like whatever, 526 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,080 Speaker 4: And so I think over time, people just kind of 527 00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,879 Speaker 4: forget about it. But when I came out, and I 528 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,720 Speaker 4: specifically remember, one of my dad's colleagues at the VA 529 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,080 Speaker 4: where he worked, had, you know, just wondered for so 530 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,560 Speaker 4: many years, like, what in the world happened to Butch Sisler? 531 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 4: You know, my dad went by Butch. His name was George, 532 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:39,760 Speaker 4: but he hated the name George, so we went by. 533 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,720 Speaker 4: But she said, what that world happened to Butch Sisler? 534 00:26:42,359 --> 00:26:46,280 Speaker 4: And she said that when I when I started sharing 535 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,760 Speaker 4: that story and then finally came out with it for 536 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,000 Speaker 4: the very first time, like in the media world, you know, 537 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,399 Speaker 4: publicly at the local TV station I worked at, she 538 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,360 Speaker 4: was like it was just almost like a sigh of relief, 539 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,680 Speaker 4: because number one, it was like, you know, you ask 540 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,879 Speaker 4: all these questions and you just want to know, and 541 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,720 Speaker 4: it's like she was able to finally come to a 542 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:08,679 Speaker 4: little bit of peace with it. But then her perception 543 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,440 Speaker 4: of my parents didn't change of anything. She loved them 544 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:17,520 Speaker 4: even more for putting up a fight and literally doing 545 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,080 Speaker 4: life as proudly as they possibly could, even in the 546 00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:24,639 Speaker 4: face of the addiction and the just the tragedy of 547 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 4: the circumstances that were just folding in on them. And 548 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 4: it just made me realize, like, the people that love 549 00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:34,920 Speaker 4: my parents still love them just the same. I'll, i'll, 550 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,040 Speaker 4: and I'll say this. And really, my auntie Linda, my 551 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:40,560 Speaker 4: mom's sister, is just such a foundation for me. Really 552 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,560 Speaker 4: just took me under her wing. I was eighteen, obviously 553 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,840 Speaker 4: didn't need a legal guardian, but I was a baby, 554 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,119 Speaker 4: and she really helped me to break down those walls. 555 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,399 Speaker 4: And over time she helped me to realize that my 556 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,680 Speaker 4: parents aren't defined by how they died, but by how 557 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,639 Speaker 4: they lived their lives. And now I have an opportunity 558 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,720 Speaker 4: to carry on that legacy and carry on that hope. 559 00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:03,160 Speaker 4: And so when I stand on stage or sit here, 560 00:28:03,359 --> 00:28:06,760 Speaker 4: I'm not thinking like, you know, oh how shameful it is. I'm, 561 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,200 Speaker 4: you know, sharing my parents' story. I'm sitting here like, ooh, 562 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,399 Speaker 4: they are right here with me. Come on, girl, you 563 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,440 Speaker 4: got this. That's just who they were. And I don't 564 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,720 Speaker 4: think that ever stopped from the day that they left us. 565 00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,160 Speaker 2: And I love that you're using that to help other 566 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,639 Speaker 2: people in finding their own story. Do you feel like 567 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 2: you could say now that you've fallen in love with 568 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:28,280 Speaker 2: your own stories? 569 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:38,760 Speaker 3: Do you feel like you could say now that you've 570 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,200 Speaker 3: fallen in love with your own story. 571 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,360 Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I have fallen in love with my story. 572 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,160 Speaker 4: But hold up, here's what I want to tell y'all. 573 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,320 Speaker 4: And this is something that's really coming to me in 574 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,760 Speaker 4: recent months, even weeks, you know, So I talk to 575 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:54,600 Speaker 4: you a little bit about this. Kelly. So, I actually 576 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 4: unfortunately lost my brother in November, and so really my 577 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:01,720 Speaker 4: last family of origin. I got the picture back here, 578 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,080 Speaker 4: our family foot, our little old Mills mode right here, 579 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 4: Olen Mills, Olive Mills literally has like the Old Mills 580 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,360 Speaker 4: stamp in there. But like, this is my family and 581 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,600 Speaker 4: you know this is this is me and my brother 582 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,840 Speaker 4: and my mom and dad and you see my brother there, 583 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,800 Speaker 4: and so he passed away from some health issues back 584 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:22,640 Speaker 4: in November. And what's crazy is I'm out here just like, oh, 585 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:24,920 Speaker 4: fall in love with your story and I'm just like 586 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:28,440 Speaker 4: preaching it to the world and truly felt like, you know, 587 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:32,200 Speaker 4: I found so much freedom from learning to fall in 588 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:35,040 Speaker 4: love my story and then this happens with my brother 589 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:37,920 Speaker 4: and I literally and mind you, a month after we 590 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,960 Speaker 4: released the book, I literally wanted to take a match 591 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:43,560 Speaker 4: to every bit of it and light it on fire, 592 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,480 Speaker 4: I imagine, And I remember sitting in the floor of 593 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,520 Speaker 4: my bedroom. My book was there. I had been pulling 594 00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:53,600 Speaker 4: stuff out of a bag and these bracelets from some 595 00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 4: of my dear friends. They have bracelets called they're presently bracelets, 596 00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,480 Speaker 4: and they're basically affirmation bracelets. And so the bracelet it says, 597 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:04,280 Speaker 4: I'm in love with my story. And so I'm literally 598 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:06,200 Speaker 4: pulling stuff out of my bag. I see the bracelet, 599 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:10,320 Speaker 4: I see the book, and I literally just like fall apart, 600 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,320 Speaker 4: and I'm like, but I'm not in love with my story? 601 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:16,080 Speaker 4: How can I be in love with this story? Like? 602 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:17,800 Speaker 5: Ugh? 603 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 4: Because I was at a place where like how like how? 604 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,080 Speaker 4: But in this journey. So it's been almost I guess 605 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:30,680 Speaker 4: almost five months since my brother passed, and I'm realizing 606 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:34,880 Speaker 4: that you can fall in love with your story and 607 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:40,200 Speaker 4: fall in love with it again. And I think that's where. Oh, 608 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:44,520 Speaker 4: it's been a lot trying to navigate that, because again, 609 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:46,400 Speaker 4: we live in a world where we think like things 610 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,400 Speaker 4: can't coexist. You can't be happy and you can't be 611 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:52,520 Speaker 4: sad at the same time. You can't have all this amazing, amazing, 612 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:55,440 Speaker 4: great things happening and then also have like wake up 613 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:58,720 Speaker 4: the next morning. But that's that's life, right, That's that's 614 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,000 Speaker 4: what we go through. We could wake up on top 615 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 4: of the world one day and the next the next day, 616 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,240 Speaker 4: you know, we get some news that we don't like, 617 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,680 Speaker 4: or something didn't go our way, or we just feel 618 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:11,200 Speaker 4: like we fell short somewhere. And I think that's just 619 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:15,120 Speaker 4: the journey I'm realizing, is that we can all learn 620 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,680 Speaker 4: to fall in love with our story. And our stories 621 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:22,200 Speaker 4: are always being written, right, and so those chapters like oh, 622 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 4: I'm in love with my story, and then you thumb 623 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:26,920 Speaker 4: through those chapters and like, suddenly I've hit this chapter 624 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:30,320 Speaker 4: where now I'm experiencing great grief and loss once again. 625 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,200 Speaker 4: But I'm also realizing, like it's always a process and 626 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,840 Speaker 4: journey and I can learn to fall in love with 627 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 4: my story again. 628 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:41,520 Speaker 2: It's the synchronicity of what you just said based on 629 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,080 Speaker 2: my life is crazy, because yesterday I was having a 630 00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:46,560 Speaker 2: conversation with a friend about how I feel like I'm 631 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:50,040 Speaker 2: really really trying to live in the boath and like 632 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:52,800 Speaker 2: really embracing that in my life because I think the 633 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 2: older that you get, I'm forty two, so we're around 634 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:55,400 Speaker 2: the same age. 635 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:56,960 Speaker 4: But girl, welcome to the fourth floor. 636 00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:01,840 Speaker 2: I love the fourth floor, but it's the older that 637 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:05,600 Speaker 2: you get. I think most things do coexist in the 638 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:10,880 Speaker 2: like hardship and the beauty, the pain and the joy. 639 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:13,440 Speaker 4: And as we get older, we just recognize it. 640 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:17,800 Speaker 2: More, right exactly, Yeah, and you try, you really have 641 00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,480 Speaker 2: to embrace that. It doesn't have it can't really be 642 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:22,440 Speaker 2: just one or the other, Like there's always kind of 643 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 2: be the two coexisting, and so I just the syncredicity. 644 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:28,920 Speaker 2: I'm like, we were supposed to have this conversation today 645 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 2: because I truly think that that is kind of what 646 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:35,600 Speaker 2: we're being asked to do right now in this world, 647 00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:39,440 Speaker 2: especially but with your story in particular. First of all, 648 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,200 Speaker 2: thank you for sharing all of that with us. But 649 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:46,040 Speaker 2: I can't imagine that all of the loss wouldn't be 650 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:50,160 Speaker 2: also connected to some joy that you remember them with, 651 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:53,560 Speaker 2: or this purpose that you've now found to go help others. 652 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:55,560 Speaker 2: You know, it's the both and of all of that. 653 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 2: In fact, one of the things I said to you 654 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,120 Speaker 2: that I wanted to talk about at the beginning of 655 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,480 Speaker 2: the podcast was the shit and to me, when I 656 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:03,880 Speaker 2: see you doing that, I looked at a bunch of videos, 657 00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:06,440 Speaker 2: I was like, what is this sideline shimmy. It's you 658 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,280 Speaker 2: finding joy amongst the pain, you know, it's a way 659 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,760 Speaker 2: to like work through that. Can you tell the listeners 660 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:13,480 Speaker 2: a little bit about the sideline shimmy? 661 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,520 Speaker 4: The sideline shimmy? Yes, I love that, you know. And 662 00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:19,160 Speaker 4: it's really funny because of course that being in the 663 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:22,000 Speaker 4: subtitle of my book. I had told my my publisher 664 00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:25,720 Speaker 4: and publicist shout out, shout out to Darren and Gary 665 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:28,880 Speaker 4: out there. They wanted to put that in the subtitle 666 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:30,480 Speaker 4: of the book, and I was like, that's so cheesy, 667 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:33,600 Speaker 4: like what the heck? And of course, again it's the 668 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:35,480 Speaker 4: fear of like what are people going to think? And 669 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,600 Speaker 4: like whatever, But really their whole idea was like you 670 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:40,320 Speaker 4: realize when people see that, they're gonna be like, what 671 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:42,640 Speaker 4: the heck is a sideline shimmy? Oh, They're going to 672 00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:45,040 Speaker 4: go figure it out right, And that's like it literally, 673 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:47,040 Speaker 4: it's just kind of like what is this thing? Okay? 674 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:51,080 Speaker 4: I love that, you know, the joy piece of it, 675 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:54,080 Speaker 4: because my goal and my hope is that I can 676 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:58,440 Speaker 4: help people to find their sideline shimmy and whatever version 677 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,920 Speaker 4: of that is right for me. It's obviously on the sidelines. 678 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,440 Speaker 4: It has been a source of therapy for me because, oh, 679 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:06,040 Speaker 4: by the way, nerves are wreck You're about to go 680 00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:09,000 Speaker 4: on national TV in front of two million people. Yeah, 681 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:11,560 Speaker 4: everything you say, you got to get it right. And 682 00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:14,520 Speaker 4: trust me, I'm far from perfect, But like the sideline 683 00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:17,319 Speaker 4: shimmy always helped me to It just helps me to 684 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:20,560 Speaker 4: calm the nerves, redistribute the nervousness. The nerves are still there, 685 00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:23,040 Speaker 4: but instead of it being all like you know, it 686 00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:25,479 Speaker 4: helps to redistribute, not to mention. I'm a former DJ 687 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,920 Speaker 4: and love music, and you know, it's just part of 688 00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:32,080 Speaker 4: who I am. And so the sideline shimmy just kind 689 00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:36,279 Speaker 4: of was born when I started to realize like that, 690 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,440 Speaker 4: shaking off some of those nerves by dancing on the 691 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:42,799 Speaker 4: sidelines was really beneficial for me, and I started to 692 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:46,160 Speaker 4: feel like a little bit more in control of those 693 00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:49,240 Speaker 4: nerves and in control of those emotions I was feeling 694 00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:51,840 Speaker 4: at the start of a football game and throughout. So 695 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:54,959 Speaker 4: it just kind of became my thing. What I didn't 696 00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,520 Speaker 4: realize is that, and I say this to all my 697 00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:00,400 Speaker 4: football fans out there, if you're in a stadium and 698 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:04,600 Speaker 4: there's upwards of ten, fifteen, sometimes twenty cameras in that stadium, 699 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,920 Speaker 4: they are always rolling, and so I didn't realize that, 700 00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:10,160 Speaker 4: like these cameras are always on. So I was dancing 701 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:14,200 Speaker 4: like an idiot. And then like my gal Elhabel, because 702 00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:16,920 Speaker 4: she helped me to invent the sideline shimmy, she like 703 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:18,480 Speaker 4: sent me a video. She's like, hey, I just want 704 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:19,960 Speaker 4: to send you this, And I had no idea that 705 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:23,000 Speaker 4: they were always recording these stupid videos of me dancing 706 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,840 Speaker 4: on the sidelines like an idiot, and so I posted 707 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:28,640 Speaker 4: on social media, got a lot of love, and so 708 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,799 Speaker 4: ever since, it's kind of like if I don't do it, 709 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:31,520 Speaker 4: I'm in trouble. 710 00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:32,920 Speaker 3: Yeah you better sideline. 711 00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:35,640 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's always though that I always leave it up 712 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:37,960 Speaker 4: to the DJ because sometimes the DJs in the stadiums 713 00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:39,759 Speaker 4: are not very good, and I'm like, this is not 714 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,840 Speaker 4: good shimmy music. We need to you know. But me 715 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:45,160 Speaker 4: being you know, I was born in eighty four. I 716 00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:47,080 Speaker 4: guess you were born in eighty two. That's when my 717 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,719 Speaker 4: brother was born. I'm like old school. I like the 718 00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:53,479 Speaker 4: oh school, like the old school hip hop. I feel 719 00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,279 Speaker 4: like I'm kind of like that nineties brat, Like I 720 00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:57,760 Speaker 4: like all the real like nineties. 721 00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:02,160 Speaker 3: HiT's all music was good and that's why we love it. Wait, okay, 722 00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:03,000 Speaker 3: because that's told you. 723 00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:05,040 Speaker 2: I'm an ls Evan. How does LSU rank on the 724 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,960 Speaker 2: DJ scales? Because I feel like we know how to 725 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:07,480 Speaker 2: dance down? 726 00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:11,080 Speaker 4: Oh you do? Okay, it's great because here's the thing. 727 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:12,799 Speaker 4: There's some people that are living with their head in 728 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,200 Speaker 4: the sand talk about Okay, so living with your head 729 00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:17,160 Speaker 4: in the sand can be a good thing and sometimes 730 00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:18,839 Speaker 4: a bad thing, yea, and in this case a bad 731 00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:22,120 Speaker 4: thing because sometimes I'm like, do these people literally have 732 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:25,680 Speaker 4: like an old school iPod like hooked up and it's 733 00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:28,000 Speaker 4: just like some old school playlists, like you know, the 734 00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 4: very like yacht rock kind of stuff. I'm like, right, 735 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:32,520 Speaker 4: we got we got to pick it up a little bit. Yeah, 736 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:35,240 Speaker 4: like read your audience, you know, like, don't be putting 737 00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:37,840 Speaker 4: this on replay. Like, so, you know what, I'm not 738 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,279 Speaker 4: sure if LSU has an in house DJ. I want 739 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:43,200 Speaker 4: to say they do, because you can always tell when 740 00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:46,160 Speaker 4: the DJs are like mixing and stuff in the stadium. 741 00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:48,160 Speaker 4: It's been a couple of years since I've been there, though, 742 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,160 Speaker 4: but I would like to say they do. I'm gonna go, 743 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:51,040 Speaker 4: I'm gonna go find it. 744 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:53,240 Speaker 3: It was like we might it feels on brand. 745 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:56,200 Speaker 4: It feels very on brand. But the in house DJ 746 00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:58,880 Speaker 4: is always crush it because like literally it feels like 747 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:01,280 Speaker 4: you're just in a club. You're like in a club 748 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,040 Speaker 4: with one hundred thousand people like about to. 749 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:06,840 Speaker 2: Just everybody's there for the same purpose. I try to 750 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,080 Speaker 2: tell people, I'm like, there is nothing like for me 751 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:13,640 Speaker 2: it was being in Tiger Stadium. There's nothing like that feeling. 752 00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:16,359 Speaker 2: So I can't imagine you every weekend the nerves would 753 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:17,120 Speaker 2: be through the roof. 754 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:18,680 Speaker 3: For me, that is a big job. 755 00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:22,480 Speaker 4: I feel for the players out there like actually doing it, 756 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,880 Speaker 4: you know, like gosh, you know, every little thing that 757 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,839 Speaker 4: you do is just under a microscope. 758 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:31,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, especially in the SEC. I always try to remind 759 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,200 Speaker 2: myself these are like eighteen year olds, like we were 760 00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,600 Speaker 2: talking about earlier. I mean, college kids should not have 761 00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:38,280 Speaker 2: this much pressure, but they do for sure down. 762 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:41,000 Speaker 4: There and now with nil and you know all that, 763 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:45,279 Speaker 4: like yeah, through the roof and so again. You know, 764 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:47,800 Speaker 4: the times are changing, things are evolving. You have to 765 00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:50,080 Speaker 4: learn to kind of like flow with the times. But 766 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,480 Speaker 4: sometimes I think it's okay to just step back and 767 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,640 Speaker 4: be like you know what, like I'm gonna do this 768 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:56,839 Speaker 4: my way and how I feel comfortable and how I 769 00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:59,560 Speaker 4: know best. And to your point, Kelly, you talk about 770 00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:02,640 Speaker 4: the the, the and both kind of thing. Just thinking 771 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:07,759 Speaker 4: about that mindset to me is I think that without 772 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:13,680 Speaker 4: walking through adversity, without going through the challenges, that gift 773 00:38:13,719 --> 00:38:16,440 Speaker 4: of gratitude doesn't show up on the other side. And 774 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:18,480 Speaker 4: I think you have to walk through those things. You 775 00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:21,239 Speaker 4: have to feel the weight of that in order to 776 00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:24,680 Speaker 4: truly appreciate the gift of gratitude that comes on the 777 00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:25,400 Speaker 4: other side. 778 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:28,719 Speaker 2: I completely agree on that note, because I think that's 779 00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,200 Speaker 2: a great place to end. The book is called Shatterproof 780 00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:33,520 Speaker 2: How I overcame the shame of losing my parents to 781 00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:36,600 Speaker 2: opioid addiction and found my sideline shimmy. I will put 782 00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:40,000 Speaker 2: that in the description of this podcast for you guys, Lauren, 783 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,799 Speaker 2: where can people keep up with you? Or if they're 784 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,640 Speaker 2: interested in finding their sideline shimmy, where can they follow along? 785 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:47,480 Speaker 4: Yes, okay, laurensisl dot com. Of course you can hit 786 00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:49,399 Speaker 4: me up on my website. I get all my you know, 787 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,840 Speaker 4: you can send me a note say hello whatever. Also 788 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,800 Speaker 4: social media at Lauren Sister, my dms are open. I 789 00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,719 Speaker 4: always tell you to like, oh, your dms are open. 790 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,080 Speaker 4: Sometimes it is hard. I gotta like siphon though a 791 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:04,000 Speaker 4: lot of stuff, but eventually I'll get there. And I 792 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,400 Speaker 4: would love to just connect and hear your story. And 793 00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:07,920 Speaker 4: I also have a newsletter, so if you want to 794 00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:09,480 Speaker 4: sign up for that, you can go to my website. 795 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:12,040 Speaker 4: Just kind of some words of encouragement as you're walking 796 00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:13,680 Speaker 4: through this thing. But I would love to connect. I 797 00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:17,480 Speaker 4: would love to hear from you, and maybe we'll get 798 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:18,800 Speaker 4: to sideline shoot me together. 799 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:19,799 Speaker 3: Yeah, I love it. 800 00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:22,759 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for sharing with us and for 801 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:26,000 Speaker 2: being here today. Thank you, Thank you guys for listening. 802 00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,600 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, 803 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:32,279 Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a 804 00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:36,480 Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty 805 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:40,239 Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.