Speaker 1: Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the
Speaker 1: Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the
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Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts. You're back. You bet, We've got our girl,
Speaker 1: got our girl beat, we got a bet. Oh, we
Speaker 1: got Sandy. Watch that. If I'm gonna wear a suit,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna walk it like you talking about first people
Speaker 1: I've hugged outside of like without a mask. We're honored.
Speaker 1: It's a little that's a little thing you're doing. Come mom, high,
Speaker 1: I have a little emotion right now. I didn't know
Speaker 1: good word. Look at this I'm in the room. Is
Speaker 1: this the same table? Did you guys switch it up? No?
Speaker 1: This is the same. It looks right or on camera
Speaker 1: it's yes. I started point that out for the audience.
Speaker 1: Look who we have here with us. It's an Oscar
Speaker 1: winner and one of my favorites, the super Special super
Speaker 1: Stoff Sandra Bullet in the house. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: I really love what you guys are doing. You Sandra,
Speaker 1: She's probably one of the first people to reach out
Speaker 1: to me when we first started Red Table talk. Yes
Speaker 1: the original. Oh, I love it, and you have a
Speaker 1: fantastic movie out called The Unforgivable, and I want you
Speaker 1: to know your work is just outstanding. Thank you for
Speaker 1: watching it. Yeah. Absolutely, I was in prison. I just
Speaker 1: cut out accident. Damn. I'm looking for Katie. She's my
Speaker 1: little sister. I raised her. Can I help you with something?
Speaker 1: What would Catherine Jane are meeting her now? I wonder
Speaker 1: all the time what she looks like. But she became.
Speaker 1: She did her time. She killed somebody in cold blood.
Speaker 1: If that were any of your black sons who had
Speaker 1: been in this system, and they would be dead. I
Speaker 1: gotta be a convict wherever I go. You're a cop
Speaker 1: killer everywhere you go, don't you like I told the
Speaker 1: Chest told her, I'll be about I was projecting her.
Speaker 1: I'm not a victim. I I don't care. I'm just
Speaker 1: sitting here going Wow, great cast, great cast. I'm just
Speaker 1: living for the intensity. Big shout out to Viola and
Speaker 1: to Vincent. What drew you to it though? I mean,
Speaker 1: it just seems so different from anything you've done in
Speaker 1: the past. All my rage needed a place to say
Speaker 1: my daughter. I had an extraordinary experience through the foster
Speaker 1: care system was incredibly hard, but you know, I have
Speaker 1: the most glorious child to show for what exists within
Speaker 1: that system. Sort of my love letter to her. You
Speaker 1: have two beautiful children. You adopted Louis, and you fostered
Speaker 1: Lila and adopted her. Yeah, she was in three different
Speaker 1: systems before I found her, and she was only two
Speaker 1: and a half. So just tell me when was the
Speaker 1: moment though, Sandrew that you were just like, Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: ready to have a family, and I'm going to take
Speaker 1: this route. I'm going to adoption. Yes, well, um, I
Speaker 1: don't know why that was the only route, but I'm
Speaker 1: so glad the universe had me wait, had me wait,
Speaker 1: even though I was anxious and I was eager, and
Speaker 1: I went, Nope, we're not going to do it the
Speaker 1: way think you're going to do it. The sweetest part
Speaker 1: of it is that I found out about both babies
Speaker 1: when I was in the exact same place. I was
Speaker 1: in a place where my mother was buried Jackson. I
Speaker 1: was in the same place. It makes me really emotional,
Speaker 1: but I go I feel beyond a shadow of a
Speaker 1: doubt that my mother brought me these children's beautiful I
Speaker 1: knew I would be a mother. I knew I wouldn't
Speaker 1: be a mother at a young age because you were
Speaker 1: full on actress. Most Look, that's what I had. That's
Speaker 1: all that I had. That was my joy. I was
Speaker 1: on a wheel. But it's hard when society is breathing
Speaker 1: down your neck going you are supposed to do it
Speaker 1: this way. You're always shoving that down women's throats. Yeah,
Speaker 1: in this amount of time, I don't want to go
Speaker 1: to Yeah, it's like, you know what my clock says,
Speaker 1: it's now. Yeah. Sometimes you feel that. But when Louis
Speaker 1: came into my life, he was put in my arms
Speaker 1: at ten days, I just knew and I said, this
Speaker 1: is this is my path. Wh now your daughter. You
Speaker 1: had a journey through the foster care system. It's a
Speaker 1: system that exists and people don't know about it because
Speaker 1: it's it's a difficult thing to talk about. It gets
Speaker 1: deep and it gets dark. When I first went through
Speaker 1: the process myself, you have to prove that you are
Speaker 1: a capable parent and you're you're in in the judgment cage.
Speaker 1: I got halfway through it and I said, I can't
Speaker 1: do this. It was an out of body experience and
Speaker 1: that they literally sit down and they ask you. They go, so,
Speaker 1: what do you think is the worst kind of abuse?
Speaker 1: What is the worst kind of drug? And alcoholic? I
Speaker 1: don't know, They're all bad. You're just going to if
Speaker 1: I don't answer this right right? Not fit. You had
Speaker 1: to take classes in regards to how to raise children
Speaker 1: with trauma. Absolutely what I learned along the way that
Speaker 1: I might see, like I had my kids in my
Speaker 1: closet and with their little beds because I was so
Speaker 1: afraid to not have them super close to me, and
Speaker 1: I would walk in and I wouldn't be able to
Speaker 1: find her. She'd be in the closet with all her
Speaker 1: clothes on, she'd be on a bookshelf, she'd be hiding,
Speaker 1: and she'd always be ready to leave. She's always telling
Speaker 1: me she's leaving, and it sometimes it was hilarious because
Speaker 1: she was just all power and she says, I'm leaving you,
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, well I would be right
Speaker 1: behind you, so just know that you can leave. But
Speaker 1: I'm I'm right hair but anywhere. And my partner said
Speaker 1: to me, he said, you know, when she's been with
Speaker 1: us longer than she hasn't been, I am a feeling
Speaker 1: we're going to see a change, and you love by
Speaker 1: leaning in and hugging and holding and letting them know
Speaker 1: that they are not going anywhere. I saw triggers happening
Speaker 1: on a daily basis that I could not identify because
Speaker 1: I took it personally, and I was like, that hurts me,
Speaker 1: that hurts me, that hurts me. And then I went
Speaker 1: back to my training. I went, wait a minute, it's
Speaker 1: not about I mean, sometimes it is about me, and
Speaker 1: sometimes I am okay, no. But at that time, it
Speaker 1: was really hard to separate yourself and not be hurt
Speaker 1: because all you want to do is love. But guess
Speaker 1: what your love is not going to cut it right
Speaker 1: then and there. Lila would hide food, you know, and
Speaker 1: it's it's survival, absolute survival, and her spirit and just
Speaker 1: who she is has pushed forward beyond the triggers and
Speaker 1: the fears that they'll come up for the rest of
Speaker 1: her life. They'll be there'll be fears that she has,
Speaker 1: but she knows that where she chooses to go to school,
Speaker 1: I'm moving there. So that's the joke in the house.
Speaker 1: You guys need to pick the same college. If you don't,
Speaker 1: because I'm living there. How long do you think it
Speaker 1: took Lila specifically to just find her comfort zone, because
Speaker 1: she was three when you brought her home right the
Speaker 1: minute that I didn't have to sleep in the room
Speaker 1: with her, We didn't have to sit with her until
Speaker 1: she fell asleep. I mean, mind you, she was in
Speaker 1: the bed this morning, but when it wasn't a like
Speaker 1: exactly exactly exactly and how old is she? She's eight? Wow,
Speaker 1: let's see that year and a half, two years ago.
Speaker 1: Have you identified for yourself what your superpower is? To
Speaker 1: Louis and then to nothing, he said, no, I know nothing,
Speaker 1: I have it. I have an idea. But I think
Speaker 1: you have a very strong superpower of compassion and resilience
Speaker 1: for because a small child who putting all her clothes
Speaker 1: on and hiding in the closet and saying she's gonna leave,
Speaker 1: and that's quite the emotional and mental roller coaster to
Speaker 1: even be in service that on. I don't think that
Speaker 1: I would. I don't have to think you would. You
Speaker 1: would think I would not not, I would not. I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't because when you have a child, you never
Speaker 1: know what you're gonna get. Look at what happened there,
Speaker 1: But I don't know that that would be willing to
Speaker 1: take on that type of challenge, And yes, maybe I
Speaker 1: would after having met the job. But you went in
Speaker 1: not having met, but you made a decision off the
Speaker 1: top from the gate. That's quite the power, I ask, yes,
Speaker 1: but I would be commended. It is. My superpower is
Speaker 1: that I'm good at saying sorry and I'm good at listening. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that parents couldn't say I'm sorry, and it was a
Speaker 1: generational thing. It was something that I now in retrospect,
Speaker 1: I can see their pain in their fear. But I
Speaker 1: say I'm sorry a lot, even when I'm right. But
Speaker 1: I'm sure I'm making tons of mistakes. But they know
Speaker 1: that I'm flawed, my partner's flawed, but both flawed, but
Speaker 1: we show. It was like, you know, I don't like
Speaker 1: it when you fight, I said, but we fought in
Speaker 1: front of you, and she said yeah, and I said,
Speaker 1: and we're fine now and she goes, but you're not
Speaker 1: supposed to fight, said, you and Lou fight because but
Speaker 1: we're not a couple. I mean, I'm learning every day
Speaker 1: and and I've already told them. You know, I put
Speaker 1: money into the therapy fund, I said, I'm sure I'm
Speaker 1: pissed up here. I said, you guys have a therapy fund.
Speaker 1: Therapy for human beings. We need therapy. Yeah, and it's
Speaker 1: it's washing of the brain. You're willing to get a
Speaker 1: facial wash the brain and take it out, clean it,
Speaker 1: what doesn't belong there, and throw it away. That's important.
Speaker 1: I panic it everything. I think all the time. Like
Speaker 1: I I when I go get up at night, I
Speaker 1: walk by the rooms and make sure they're breathing. What
Speaker 1: did you what were your realizations around that? Just net
Speaker 1: you know, as a mother, there's a white mother. As
Speaker 1: a white mother is a white parent who loves her
Speaker 1: children more than life. And so I'm scared of everything.
Speaker 1: I know. I'm laying all kinds of existential anxiety on them,
Speaker 1: and I have to think about what they're going to
Speaker 1: experience leaving. They're gonna have my fears. But how can
Speaker 1: I make sure that my anxiety is act hear it protective?
Speaker 1: You know? With Lou being a young black man at
Speaker 1: one point, sweet funny Lou is going to be a
Speaker 1: young man in the minute he leaves my home, I
Speaker 1: can't follow him everywhere. I will try. I will try,
Speaker 1: and I'm joking, but I'm not. I don't know what
Speaker 1: I will do, but I pray. I pray, you pray.
Speaker 1: But I've done a good enough job, scared them sufficiently.
Speaker 1: I've been schooling loose since he was six years old.
Speaker 1: He popped that hoodie on his head and I went
Speaker 1: and I said, let me just six point and I
Speaker 1: let him see everything. I let him see everything on
Speaker 1: to I let him process it. He knows how the
Speaker 1: world works. He knows how cruel it is. You knows
Speaker 1: how unfair it is. And now Lila's knowing it. And
Speaker 1: she what was Brian watching? He was watching oh squid game.
Speaker 1: She walked out of the room and she was deprayed.
Speaker 1: I was like, what happened? I don't want dad to
Speaker 1: watch that? And I said, well, I don't. I'm not
Speaker 1: watching it. It's violent. Oh of course you should. She
Speaker 1: was because there's no black people in it. The fact
Speaker 1: that that was fire in her belly made me so
Speaker 1: happy that she was already voicing it's amazing. And I
Speaker 1: let them teach me and tell me what they need
Speaker 1: to know. I thought I was educated and woke. I
Speaker 1: thought I had it all, and guess what I wasn't, Sandra.
Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you a question in regards to
Speaker 1: being judged to have people ever been like, well, Sandy,
Speaker 1: why would you adopt to black children? You know, did
Speaker 1: you ever feel you guess what? You you get the
Speaker 1: racism you get, the get there's been sure a lot
Speaker 1: of it. Guess what. Your sickness is not my problem. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let me say this about your saying that a sickness too,
Speaker 1: because I don't think that that everybody that feels that way,
Speaker 1: um is racist. I think that they truly believe, because
Speaker 1: I know I did in the beginning, and I've kind
Speaker 1: of changed my outlook on that. But feeling like it
Speaker 1: is better for a black to be raised in a
Speaker 1: black home, you know, And it's not a racist attitude,
Speaker 1: it's just as a protection for that child, absolutely so Yeah,
Speaker 1: but at the end of the day, it's kind of
Speaker 1: a pretty old and tired attitude. Yeah. You know, in
Speaker 1: this new day, my ideas around love and family has expanded. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I really have come to the conclusion that love is love, absolutely,
Speaker 1: And I know it's hard for people to look at
Speaker 1: a white woman going I just have a hard time
Speaker 1: getting past that. I know, they push up against that
Speaker 1: and then they come into the home and it is
Speaker 1: just I go, let our, let our, let our human
Speaker 1: love be at the evidence, you know, because I'm still
Speaker 1: pissed in the morning when I go, I got you
Speaker 1: up at seven, I got everything right, and still you're late.
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, you're supposed to bring me the bag.
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to do your edges, and now you need
Speaker 1: to sit down and execond to do it. Why are
Speaker 1: you taking away? It's chaos and I'm they leave the
Speaker 1: house and I go, why am I angry again today?
Speaker 1: And then they're gone and then I miss them. It's
Speaker 1: like and every parent has the same thing. So I'm
Speaker 1: like coming to our home and discovered the every parent
Speaker 1: problem exactly, you know. And to say that I wish
Speaker 1: our skins matched, sometimes I do, because then it would
Speaker 1: be easy on how people approach us. It's our anxiety,
Speaker 1: it's our fear, it's our cross to bear. The minute
Speaker 1: you become a mom, and I have the same feelings
Speaker 1: as a woman with brown skin and being her babies
Speaker 1: or a white woman with you know, white bees, but
Speaker 1: the mother child you don't have to put a color on.
Speaker 1: Maybe one day that will go away, Maybe one day
Speaker 1: we will be able to see with different eyes, how
Speaker 1: has your partner been during with me? He is? He
Speaker 1: has evolved on a level that is not human and
Speaker 1: what's he's part of the decision making. Hell no, all
Speaker 1: of this happened. I had let me first. And then
Speaker 1: when I met him and I was like, and we
Speaker 1: hadn't been together that long. I go, remember that NDA
Speaker 1: you sign when you photographed my son. He's like yeah,
Speaker 1: he's like he's still scared. His whole life had been
Speaker 1: unraveled because of me. And I said, you know that
Speaker 1: still holds and he was like yeah, okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: why And it's like, because I'm bringing a child home
Speaker 1: when I come back from Toronto. Hand sorry what he
Speaker 1: was like, And he was so happy, but he was scared.
Speaker 1: I'm a bulldozer. My life was already on the track
Speaker 1: and here's this beautiful human being who doesn't want anything
Speaker 1: to do with my life, but the right human being
Speaker 1: to be there to help me be the crazy out
Speaker 1: of the bottom. Yeah, but support, And you know what,
Speaker 1: he's the example. He's the example that I would want
Speaker 1: my children. I have a partner who's very Christian, and
Speaker 1: so there's very two different ways of looking at things,
Speaker 1: and I don't always agree with him. He doesn't always
Speaker 1: agree with me, but he is an example even when
Speaker 1: I don't agree with him that I go, if they
Speaker 1: can take away from Matt and if that is where
Speaker 1: they feel drawn to, then he's the exact right. That's
Speaker 1: a beautiful way to be in this position. And you
Speaker 1: know I'm stubborn, but sometimes I need to sit back
Speaker 1: and listen and go. You're saying it differently, but we
Speaker 1: mean exactly the same thing, the same thing. It's hard
Speaker 1: to co parent, yeah, because I just want to do
Speaker 1: it myself. Yeah. I just wanted to ask if it
Speaker 1: was hard to set boundaries because of how traumatic their
Speaker 1: past had been. Louise wasn't he had the benefit of
Speaker 1: having had me from the very beginning. Boundaries are huge, huge,
Speaker 1: even now when I want a helicopter and fly in
Speaker 1: um she differently than you're protecting for so long and
Speaker 1: scared and then you have to let them go. What happens.
Speaker 1: If something happens, you just hope you put everything that
Speaker 1: you can into them too. I mean, what do you
Speaker 1: do like when you guys left, how is that for you?
Speaker 1: We as a family have grown such a um strong connection.
Speaker 1: So even when my house was broken, into and I
Speaker 1: had a lot of things. It was just it was
Speaker 1: just a lot to handle. No, I wasn't. It was
Speaker 1: doing Christmas, thank god. But you know, I had just
Speaker 1: gotten that house, my first house, and you know that's
Speaker 1: a big stepping stone for anyone. And you were invaded
Speaker 1: in the worst way. Yeah, pretty much. Did you still
Speaker 1: feel the ramification I had? I had a whole moment.
Speaker 1: It was rough, but you know, after I peeled myself
Speaker 1: off the floor, I took a deep breath. I said,
Speaker 1: you know what, I said a prayer, and I said,
Speaker 1: we're gonna be okay. This is We're going to figure
Speaker 1: it out regardless. But it didn't. See my house was
Speaker 1: broken into. I was in it, and that's a different story.
Speaker 1: It's it's a difference, especially when you've been watching last
Speaker 1: I mean, how's the in the closet going kiss doesn't end? Well,
Speaker 1: I'm in the closet, not going to help, you know.
Speaker 1: But it was the one night that Louis wasn't with me.
Speaker 1: It was the one night that ar nanny goes, let
Speaker 1: me just take him to my apartment, which is up
Speaker 1: the street, because you're gonna be out late, and I went,
Speaker 1: had he been home had he been home, I would
Speaker 1: have run to the closet was now my official closet,
Speaker 1: that was his bedroom, and it would have changed our
Speaker 1: destiny forever. So why was he not home on that
Speaker 1: one night and the violation of that? Yeah, I wasn't
Speaker 1: the same after that. I was unraveling. And that's hard.
Speaker 1: So I don't know, that is really hardcore. But that's
Speaker 1: what I'm asking you, Like, what how long you know
Speaker 1: did it take to take you feel? Because that's that's
Speaker 1: unless you address it. Yeah, you're you're sitting there. I
Speaker 1: still get scared. Um, I got my kiddis never there
Speaker 1: alone though I make sure that. But you were still traumatized.
Speaker 1: But I had to keep telling myself, I'm good. You
Speaker 1: know what I mean. But you have PTSD. You you
Speaker 1: were that you were violated. I wasn't there, which makes
Speaker 1: it No, it doesn't make it better. It's just different.
Speaker 1: But the thought the violation is the same. Let it is,
Speaker 1: you know, And and look, I I haven't been alone
Speaker 1: since the day it happened. But did they catch the guy? Oh? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And this is what's sad is that the system failed him.
Speaker 1: There was a altercation with SWAT and he killed himself, Wow,
Speaker 1: how has that journey of healing been like that? That?
Speaker 1: That's hard? It was. There are some layers. I didn't
Speaker 1: realize what PTSD was until I was this is the
Speaker 1: oddest thing. I would look left out of a car,
Speaker 1: not right. I would look left and I would start sobbing.
Speaker 1: And I thought to myself, I'm a single parent and
Speaker 1: this child is going to absorb nothing but fear and
Speaker 1: trauma and shame from me in the most pivotal times
Speaker 1: of his life. And I was like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to drop that load of baggage onto my beautiful child.
Speaker 1: So I discovered something called E M d R yeah,
Speaker 1: which amazing was the most healing. I was so scared
Speaker 1: to do it. Okay, what is that? They use it
Speaker 1: for trauma and PTSD is start tapping involved, It can
Speaker 1: be tapping, it can be I had the paddles UM
Speaker 1: and it is literally the therapist going start where you
Speaker 1: first find yourself in the house. And I was like, well,
Speaker 1: I was in the closet and I heard him banging
Speaker 1: on the door and and then UM and they said, okay,
Speaker 1: hold that feeling, and then he started vibrating the paddles
Speaker 1: and the paddles were inconsistent, so in your minds, where
Speaker 1: your eyes are closed, I was going back and forth
Speaker 1: mentally to wherever the paddle was vibrating. So what that
Speaker 1: is doing is rewiring your synapses. I think I'm saying
Speaker 1: this right. And so by the time he took me
Speaker 1: through was about two hours worth. I realized I'd gone
Speaker 1: on this entire journey and it was inside my house.
Speaker 1: But all of a sudden it went too unsafe relationships,
Speaker 1: unsafe childhood moments, unsafe thing. And when I got out
Speaker 1: of it, I realized I have surrounded myself often with
Speaker 1: unsafe people and situations and put myself there. I no
Speaker 1: one else to blame it myself because that was the
Speaker 1: most familiar feeling I had, And I went understand that one,
Speaker 1: and that one that's a big one. I was in
Speaker 1: New Orleans with my friend Da day and he was
Speaker 1: sitting there. He goes, why are you making that noise? Stop?
Speaker 1: And I go, I'm not making I was literally looking
Speaker 1: through an architectural digest. I love the design. He goes,
Speaker 1: but every time you flip a page, you're going And
Speaker 1: I went, I am because every time you flipped a page,
Speaker 1: and I went I have anxiety that I am sitting
Speaker 1: in the place that I want to be in doing
Speaker 1: exactly what I wanted to be doing, and I had
Speaker 1: extreme anxiety. I went, that needs to stop. So in
Speaker 1: that E. M. D. R. Journey, I had to take
Speaker 1: ownership of everything that I brought into my world because
Speaker 1: it felt comfortable, and realized it no longer had a place. So,
Speaker 1: you know, I also vanity got. I was looking at
Speaker 1: my body and I said, it's going to break. It
Speaker 1: was not responding well to what was happening. The timeline
Speaker 1: is crazy. Louis had a Grandma Segar. He had a
Speaker 1: really high fever. I thought he had died. Two days later,
Speaker 1: I pulled my hair tight, went to the Academy awards.
Speaker 1: Pulled it too tight. Day later, I was bitten by
Speaker 1: a poisonous spider. My hair starts falling out. I have
Speaker 1: alopecia spots everywhere. I'm like, what the hell? And I've
Speaker 1: always had hair, And I'm by the tub laying out
Speaker 1: hair and going to the break in happens and I
Speaker 1: literally had to take inventory, going if I don't pull
Speaker 1: it together, I'm gonna die. The stress. Something is going
Speaker 1: to happen to my body that I can't control, and
Speaker 1: I can control almost everything. I know God really, so
Speaker 1: the m DR. I sought counsel, and I will seek
Speaker 1: it again, and I will. I learned to ask for help.
Speaker 1: I'm not good at asking for help. It's not how
Speaker 1: I was raised. I had to ask for help. I'm
Speaker 1: still not great at it, but I'm getting better. And
Speaker 1: it was my children who showed me that unless I
Speaker 1: pull it together right now, I'm not going to be
Speaker 1: around to have the moments that I want to have.
Speaker 1: But if someone said to me, they go, it had
Speaker 1: to be loud for you. Didn't what are you talking about?
Speaker 1: And they said, it had to be loud for you
Speaker 1: because you're kind of hardheaded and you're stubborn. It had
Speaker 1: to be loud for you to stop point the finger
Speaker 1: at yourself and make the change. And I went, yeah,
Speaker 1: I heard it, So we're gonna do I was so excited.
Speaker 1: So we're gonna bring the fishbowl out, fishbowl, fish bowl,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, Sandy with you'd like to go?
Speaker 1: For sure, I'll take the top one. Just because it
Speaker 1: was screaming, Okay, Kelly from Miami, I need advice. My
Speaker 1: adopted daughter is starting to ask questions about our biological parents.
Speaker 1: Do you think I am a horrible person if I
Speaker 1: don't support this someday? Big one. It's a big one
Speaker 1: because you feel like it's an affront against you, like
Speaker 1: you weren't enough. Each situation is different, like what I
Speaker 1: will explain with lout would be very different from lying.
Speaker 1: But it's a hard one because you're not a terrible parent.
Speaker 1: You love your child and you're thinking, why am I
Speaker 1: not enough? It has nothing to do with you, It
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with you at all. It's it's
Speaker 1: a it's a big one because you're never gonna look
Speaker 1: at your mom going I want to know what else
Speaker 1: is out there? She never looked at her saying you know,
Speaker 1: I want to know what else is out there? You
Speaker 1: is this? Mama? Have to be like, it's not me,
Speaker 1: It's just your journey and I'm just honored to be
Speaker 1: on it with you. It takes a lot. It's a
Speaker 1: hard one though I don't know it's it's a hard one.
Speaker 1: That is a hard one. Maryam from Houston. I am
Speaker 1: divorced and now live with the love of my life.
Speaker 1: We want to have children, but I have no interest
Speaker 1: in getting married again. Everyone keeps telling me that it's
Speaker 1: unfair to the kids. Sandra, you are a role model
Speaker 1: to me, So I need advice should I should not?
Speaker 1: I am someone who went through the divorce process. I
Speaker 1: found the love of my life, but you shared two
Speaker 1: beautiful children, three children, his older daughter, the best thing ever.
Speaker 1: So I don't want to say do it like I
Speaker 1: do it. But I don't need a paper to be
Speaker 1: a devoted partner, that's devoted mother. I don't need to
Speaker 1: be told to be ever present in the hardest of times.
Speaker 1: I don't need to be told to weather a storm
Speaker 1: with a good man. So if that's what you have,
Speaker 1: think about what kind of parent he would be. Think
Speaker 1: about what kind of parent you would be, and what
Speaker 1: if something happened, would you both be great parents to
Speaker 1: those children even if you didn't make it as a couple.
Speaker 1: Think about the children first. Yeah, that's a good one.
Speaker 1: It's really good to have to think about that person
Speaker 1: is as a parent, and if that person will still parents,
Speaker 1: if even if you're not together. And my whole thing
Speaker 1: is it's really about a is this the right person
Speaker 1: that you want as a partner for that? Because a
Speaker 1: lot of people are like, oh no, we have to
Speaker 1: agree on everything. We have to like the same things.
Speaker 1: He has to be everything when it's like no. What's
Speaker 1: most important is that they are a good example, because
Speaker 1: example walking around the house. Not just someone who's going
Speaker 1: to be fulfilling all your romantic needs. Yeah, that's real,
Speaker 1: that's the realist right there. I got me covered. Here
Speaker 1: we go. Jackie from London. I'm forty eight and never
Speaker 1: had children. I waited for the right guy, but that
Speaker 1: never happened. The pandemic made me realize I have a
Speaker 1: hole in my soul and I want to adopt. Everyone
Speaker 1: tells me I'm crazy. Please give it to me straight.
Speaker 1: Did my dream of being a mom passed me by?
Speaker 1: Should I just be happy? Being an aunt makes you
Speaker 1: want to cry? I get the whole. I get it. Um.
Speaker 1: There's always always a soul out there that needs you
Speaker 1: her to be their parents. You're put through the wringer.
Speaker 1: They ask a lot of questions, had to have people
Speaker 1: write letters about my character. I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: But the soul that you are supposed to parent is
Speaker 1: out there and it's ready for you. You just have
Speaker 1: to be willing to go through the gamut. That feels
Speaker 1: very violating. That feels very invasive, that feels it's questioning
Speaker 1: your ability to be a good and loving parent. And
Speaker 1: be okay with that because that soul deserves to have
Speaker 1: those questions asked. And when you find it and they
Speaker 1: connect you with it, you'll understand why you're forty eight
Speaker 1: when you started a journey. So please do because that
Speaker 1: soul is wondering the same thing out there, going when
Speaker 1: is someone going to come love me? Yeah, the right
Speaker 1: child will choose you, and it won't be an infant.
Speaker 1: It might not be two or three, it might be seven,
Speaker 1: might be twelve. So it makes me sad that you
Speaker 1: have that whole But the times now, times now, and
Speaker 1: you know what, it's so interesting because biological parents don't
Speaker 1: go through that and probably we should. Yeah, but nobody, nobody,
Speaker 1: You don't have I don't. You're not going through an
Speaker 1: interview to see how fit you are to really parent,
Speaker 1: and we probably should. It makes you feel really scared
Speaker 1: when you go through the process. But if they look
Speaker 1: at me and go, you're not enough, you know. But
Speaker 1: at three o'clock in the morning, when Lila crawled into
Speaker 1: bed with her noise canceling headphones on because somebody's nors
Speaker 1: and stop me. Um, I go, I am enough because
Speaker 1: this is where she chooses to be. When she's sixteen,
Speaker 1: I might not be, but right now you are an
Speaker 1: and no mother's enough when a child, especially, I just
Speaker 1: know that you don't take it personal. Okay, I wasn't
Speaker 1: it started just individualize. No, No, I wasn't. I wasn't
Speaker 1: like a like like the quintessential problem. I wasn't the
Speaker 1: quintessential problem. I just had a lot of emotional issues,
Speaker 1: have emotional issues. There were a lot of questions, a
Speaker 1: lot of feelings, a lot of a lot of failings,
Speaker 1: a lot of feelings, a lot of questions. She thought
Speaker 1: it was emotional issues, but it wasn't. Just called it
Speaker 1: presented like emotional issues. But it's puberty. Yeah, it's like,
Speaker 1: I remember what I was like and how I struggled.
Speaker 1: I struggled big time, and I didn't have ears to
Speaker 1: listen and help, and I remember it clearly. Yes, because
Speaker 1: it's freaking but it's hard. It's a struggle. Everything out painful. Yes,
Speaker 1: there's a whirlwind every day, yeah, every day, everything everything.
Speaker 1: But then you turned eighteen and nineteen nineteen nineteen, Look
Speaker 1: where you are now in the voice you have. I
Speaker 1: mean I watched things that come out of your mouth
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I wouldn't notice say that, right, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't know to like in the bravery that you have
Speaker 1: to be completely authentic, which is what this table is
Speaker 1: really profound in doing. I mean, it's that's why I
Speaker 1: like what you did from the get go. You guys,
Speaker 1: you brought it I'm not gonna say it to the
Speaker 1: tablet and you did it authentically and you shared what
Speaker 1: most people would say, Oh, I wouldn't share that about myself.
Speaker 1: You know, you presented who you were authentically and gave
Speaker 1: those of us watching the ability to let go of
Speaker 1: our shame. And it's a powerful thing. You have so
Speaker 1: many watching, and so thank God for those feelings and
Speaker 1: questions because it landed you. Here is an educator see Sandy,
Speaker 1: thank you for having met you guys. I really love
Speaker 1: what you guys are doing something I'm so nervous. I
Speaker 1: was like, I have not spoken. The only other person
Speaker 1: I spoke to was you, and I'm like, I have
Speaker 1: to leave the house. I have to speak to people,
Speaker 1: have to reveal my soul. What's what was this? You're
Speaker 1: just is she awesome? You're a really really strong woman.
Speaker 1: Really you know what I am, and I am and
Speaker 1: sometimes I wish it wasn't so, because sometimes I just
Speaker 1: wish I could let myself just fall apart. But it's
Speaker 1: not my time yet. I'll fall apart when it's my time. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I have a spirit that just says, even when things
Speaker 1: were bad, I'm like, it's going to get better. I'm lucky. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you for having me. In America, nearly four hundred
Speaker 1: eight thousand children are in foster care. There over a
Speaker 1: hundred thousand children waiting to be adopted. Jackie from London. Yeah,
Speaker 1: listen to the words data saying right now, Jackie from London.
Speaker 1: Sandra's fantastic new movie That Unforgive a Bull is in
Speaker 1: theaters now and on Netflix December tenth. Make sure to
Speaker 1: check it out. Yeah, thank you saying thank you guys
Speaker 1: so much, thank you, thank you. That was a great table. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that was a great table. Love and life just is
Speaker 1: I think I'm on. I'm one of the originals that
Speaker 1: came to the Red table watching it and it's it's
Speaker 1: a it's a beautiful thing that they do. They're real,
Speaker 1: they don't put on an artifice that makes you feel
Speaker 1: like you're not good enough, and um, they have conversations
Speaker 1: that we wish more people would have. The heel. I'm
Speaker 1: so grateful I was here and they're cute, We're so
Speaker 1: we're so pretty. It's like I keep looking at their
Speaker 1: faces and I'm like, really like, it's like you think
Speaker 1: it's just magic and lights. There's no lights and mews.
Speaker 1: They just they just look good. So I'm going to
Speaker 1: keep my resentment down and just be grateful that I
Speaker 1: was here and that they had me at the table.
Speaker 1: Thank you to join the Red Table Talk family and
Speaker 1: come a part of the conversation. Follow us at facebook
Speaker 1: dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to
Speaker 1: this episode of Red Table Talk podcast, produced by Facebook Watch,
Speaker 1: Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.