WEBVTT - Sandra Bullock's Most Important Role 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.120 Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:10.239 Facebook watch show in audio, produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.360 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:23.840 on Apple Podcasts. You're back. You bet, We've got our girl, 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:27.560 got our girl beat, we got a bet. Oh, we 0:00:27.680 --> 0:00:37.720 got Sandy. Watch that. If I'm gonna wear a suit, 0:00:37.880 --> 0:00:45.240 I'm gonna walk it like you talking about first people 0:00:45.280 --> 0:00:48.920 I've hugged outside of like without a mask. We're honored. 0:00:49.000 --> 0:00:54.720 It's a little that's a little thing you're doing. Come mom, high, 0:00:56.400 --> 0:00:58.360 I have a little emotion right now. I didn't know 0:00:59.000 --> 0:01:02.600 good word. Look at this I'm in the room. Is 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:04.679 this the same table? Did you guys switch it up? No? 0:01:04.800 --> 0:01:06.920 This is the same. It looks right or on camera 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:09.880 it's yes. I started point that out for the audience. 0:01:10.200 --> 0:01:12.840 Look who we have here with us. It's an Oscar 0:01:12.959 --> 0:01:17.440 winner and one of my favorites, the super Special super 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:22.400 Stoff Sandra Bullet in the house. Thank you for having me. 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:25.759 I really love what you guys are doing. You Sandra, 0:01:26.000 --> 0:01:28.119 She's probably one of the first people to reach out 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:31.280 to me when we first started Red Table talk. Yes 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:37.720 the original. Oh, I love it, and you have a 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:42.600 fantastic movie out called The Unforgivable, and I want you 0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:45.200 to know your work is just outstanding. Thank you for 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:53.160 watching it. Yeah. Absolutely, I was in prison. I just 0:01:53.200 --> 0:02:04.960 cut out accident. Damn. I'm looking for Katie. She's my 0:02:05.040 --> 0:02:08.120 little sister. I raised her. Can I help you with something? 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:12.760 What would Catherine Jane are meeting her now? I wonder 0:02:12.840 --> 0:02:16.040 all the time what she looks like. But she became. 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:20.320 She did her time. She killed somebody in cold blood. 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:22.960 If that were any of your black sons who had 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:24.720 been in this system, and they would be dead. I 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:26.920 gotta be a convict wherever I go. You're a cop 0:02:27.000 --> 0:02:31.919 killer everywhere you go, don't you like I told the 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:37.600 Chest told her, I'll be about I was projecting her. 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:48.600 I'm not a victim. I I don't care. I'm just 0:02:48.600 --> 0:02:53.400 sitting here going Wow, great cast, great cast. I'm just 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:56.240 living for the intensity. Big shout out to Viola and 0:02:56.320 --> 0:02:58.560 to Vincent. What drew you to it though? I mean, 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:01.000 it just seems so different from anything you've done in 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:04.800 the past. All my rage needed a place to say 0:03:06.440 --> 0:03:09.400 my daughter. I had an extraordinary experience through the foster 0:03:09.440 --> 0:03:12.240 care system was incredibly hard, but you know, I have 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:16.640 the most glorious child to show for what exists within 0:03:16.680 --> 0:03:19.120 that system. Sort of my love letter to her. You 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:24.919 have two beautiful children. You adopted Louis, and you fostered 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:29.520 Lila and adopted her. Yeah, she was in three different 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:32.240 systems before I found her, and she was only two 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:35.280 and a half. So just tell me when was the 0:03:35.400 --> 0:03:39.000 moment though, Sandrew that you were just like, Okay, I'm 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:41.120 ready to have a family, and I'm going to take 0:03:41.240 --> 0:03:47.720 this route. I'm going to adoption. Yes, well, um, I 0:03:47.800 --> 0:03:52.080 don't know why that was the only route, but I'm 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:54.920 so glad the universe had me wait, had me wait, 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:58.120 even though I was anxious and I was eager, and 0:03:58.120 --> 0:03:59.720 I went, Nope, we're not going to do it the 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:02.240 way think you're going to do it. The sweetest part 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:06.040 of it is that I found out about both babies 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:09.200 when I was in the exact same place. I was 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:13.080 in a place where my mother was buried Jackson. I 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:15.360 was in the same place. It makes me really emotional, 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:19.200 but I go I feel beyond a shadow of a 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:22.800 doubt that my mother brought me these children's beautiful I 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:24.720 knew I would be a mother. I knew I wouldn't 0:04:24.720 --> 0:04:26.480 be a mother at a young age because you were 0:04:26.560 --> 0:04:30.960 full on actress. Most Look, that's what I had. That's 0:04:31.040 --> 0:04:33.240 all that I had. That was my joy. I was 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:36.360 on a wheel. But it's hard when society is breathing 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:38.960 down your neck going you are supposed to do it 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:43.359 this way. You're always shoving that down women's throats. Yeah, 0:04:44.000 --> 0:04:46.320 in this amount of time, I don't want to go 0:04:46.400 --> 0:04:49.920 to Yeah, it's like, you know what my clock says, 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:53.240 it's now. Yeah. Sometimes you feel that. But when Louis 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:54.920 came into my life, he was put in my arms 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:57.960 at ten days, I just knew and I said, this 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:02.080 is this is my path. Wh now your daughter. You 0:05:02.160 --> 0:05:05.039 had a journey through the foster care system. It's a 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:09.320 system that exists and people don't know about it because 0:05:09.360 --> 0:05:12.320 it's it's a difficult thing to talk about. It gets 0:05:12.360 --> 0:05:14.560 deep and it gets dark. When I first went through 0:05:14.600 --> 0:05:17.320 the process myself, you have to prove that you are 0:05:18.000 --> 0:05:23.640 a capable parent and you're you're in in the judgment cage. 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:26.559 I got halfway through it and I said, I can't 0:05:26.560 --> 0:05:29.719 do this. It was an out of body experience and 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:32.240 that they literally sit down and they ask you. They go, so, 0:05:32.800 --> 0:05:34.680 what do you think is the worst kind of abuse? 0:05:34.920 --> 0:05:38.200 What is the worst kind of drug? And alcoholic? I 0:05:38.240 --> 0:05:40.200 don't know, They're all bad. You're just going to if 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:44.800 I don't answer this right right? Not fit. You had 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:49.440 to take classes in regards to how to raise children 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:54.359 with trauma. Absolutely what I learned along the way that 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:57.120 I might see, like I had my kids in my 0:05:57.200 --> 0:05:58.919 closet and with their little beds because I was so 0:05:58.920 --> 0:06:02.360 afraid to not have them super close to me, and 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:04.000 I would walk in and I wouldn't be able to 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:06.200 find her. She'd be in the closet with all her 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:08.520 clothes on, she'd be on a bookshelf, she'd be hiding, 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:10.960 and she'd always be ready to leave. She's always telling 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:14.880 me she's leaving, and it sometimes it was hilarious because 0:06:14.880 --> 0:06:17.279 she was just all power and she says, I'm leaving you, 0:06:17.320 --> 0:06:19.240 And I was like, okay, well I would be right 0:06:19.279 --> 0:06:21.400 behind you, so just know that you can leave. But 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:25.159 I'm I'm right hair but anywhere. And my partner said 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:26.719 to me, he said, you know, when she's been with 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:29.440 us longer than she hasn't been, I am a feeling 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:32.640 we're going to see a change, and you love by 0:06:32.720 --> 0:06:35.320 leaning in and hugging and holding and letting them know 0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:39.200 that they are not going anywhere. I saw triggers happening 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:42.440 on a daily basis that I could not identify because 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:44.880 I took it personally, and I was like, that hurts me, 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:46.680 that hurts me, that hurts me. And then I went 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:48.960 back to my training. I went, wait a minute, it's 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:53.000 not about I mean, sometimes it is about me, and 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:56.880 sometimes I am okay, no. But at that time, it 0:06:57.000 --> 0:06:59.880 was really hard to separate yourself and not be hurt 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:02.320 because all you want to do is love. But guess 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:04.120 what your love is not going to cut it right 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:07.560 then and there. Lila would hide food, you know, and 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:13.560 it's it's survival, absolute survival, and her spirit and just 0:07:14.000 --> 0:07:21.040 who she is has pushed forward beyond the triggers and 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:22.880 the fears that they'll come up for the rest of 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:25.600 her life. They'll be there'll be fears that she has, 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:29.080 but she knows that where she chooses to go to school, 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:31.600 I'm moving there. So that's the joke in the house. 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:35.680 You guys need to pick the same college. If you don't, 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:39.480 because I'm living there. How long do you think it 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:45.200 took Lila specifically to just find her comfort zone, because 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:48.360 she was three when you brought her home right the 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:51.280 minute that I didn't have to sleep in the room 0:07:51.280 --> 0:07:53.080 with her, We didn't have to sit with her until 0:07:53.120 --> 0:07:55.120 she fell asleep. I mean, mind you, she was in 0:07:55.120 --> 0:07:57.280 the bed this morning, but when it wasn't a like 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:02.160 exactly exactly exactly and how old is she? She's eight? Wow, 0:08:03.200 --> 0:08:05.640 let's see that year and a half, two years ago. 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:09.960 Have you identified for yourself what your superpower is? To 0:08:10.120 --> 0:08:16.040 Louis and then to nothing, he said, no, I know nothing, 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:19.960 I have it. I have an idea. But I think 0:08:20.080 --> 0:08:25.240 you have a very strong superpower of compassion and resilience 0:08:26.080 --> 0:08:29.400 for because a small child who putting all her clothes 0:08:29.400 --> 0:08:32.000 on and hiding in the closet and saying she's gonna leave, 0:08:32.160 --> 0:08:39.560 and that's quite the emotional and mental roller coaster to 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:43.280 even be in service that on. I don't think that 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:46.480 I would. I don't have to think you would. You 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:50.760 would think I would not not, I would not. I don't. 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:53.440 I don't because when you have a child, you never 0:08:53.559 --> 0:08:56.480 know what you're gonna get. Look at what happened there, 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:01.040 But I don't know that that would be willing to 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:04.880 take on that type of challenge, And yes, maybe I 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:08.480 would after having met the job. But you went in 0:09:10.040 --> 0:09:13.280 not having met, but you made a decision off the 0:09:13.320 --> 0:09:16.880 top from the gate. That's quite the power, I ask, yes, 0:09:17.559 --> 0:09:20.800 but I would be commended. It is. My superpower is 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:24.120 that I'm good at saying sorry and I'm good at listening. Yeah, 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:29.840 that parents couldn't say I'm sorry, and it was a 0:09:29.880 --> 0:09:32.880 generational thing. It was something that I now in retrospect, 0:09:33.520 --> 0:09:36.360 I can see their pain in their fear. But I 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.400 say I'm sorry a lot, even when I'm right. But 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:44.040 I'm sure I'm making tons of mistakes. But they know 0:09:44.240 --> 0:09:48.440 that I'm flawed, my partner's flawed, but both flawed, but 0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:50.880 we show. It was like, you know, I don't like 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:52.280 it when you fight, I said, but we fought in 0:09:52.360 --> 0:09:54.600 front of you, and she said yeah, and I said, 0:09:54.600 --> 0:09:56.000 and we're fine now and she goes, but you're not 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:57.800 supposed to fight, said, you and Lou fight because but 0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:02.200 we're not a couple. I mean, I'm learning every day 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:04.240 and and I've already told them. You know, I put 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:06.360 money into the therapy fund, I said, I'm sure I'm 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:10.760 pissed up here. I said, you guys have a therapy fund. 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:16.320 Therapy for human beings. We need therapy. Yeah, and it's 0:10:16.440 --> 0:10:18.840 it's washing of the brain. You're willing to get a 0:10:18.840 --> 0:10:21.520 facial wash the brain and take it out, clean it, 0:10:21.559 --> 0:10:25.400 what doesn't belong there, and throw it away. That's important. 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:28.480 I panic it everything. I think all the time. Like 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:30.840 I I when I go get up at night, I 0:10:30.880 --> 0:10:34.680 walk by the rooms and make sure they're breathing. What 0:10:34.720 --> 0:10:38.320 did you what were your realizations around that? Just net 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:42.200 you know, as a mother, there's a white mother. As 0:10:42.240 --> 0:10:45.800 a white mother is a white parent who loves her 0:10:45.920 --> 0:10:48.080 children more than life. And so I'm scared of everything. 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:50.840 I know. I'm laying all kinds of existential anxiety on them, 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:52.760 and I have to think about what they're going to 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:55.960 experience leaving. They're gonna have my fears. But how can 0:10:56.000 --> 0:11:01.439 I make sure that my anxiety is act hear it protective? 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:04.800 You know? With Lou being a young black man at 0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:07.920 one point, sweet funny Lou is going to be a 0:11:08.520 --> 0:11:11.319 young man in the minute he leaves my home, I 0:11:11.400 --> 0:11:14.720 can't follow him everywhere. I will try. I will try, 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:17.240 and I'm joking, but I'm not. I don't know what 0:11:17.480 --> 0:11:19.400 I will do, but I pray. I pray, you pray. 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:23.480 But I've done a good enough job, scared them sufficiently. 0:11:24.559 --> 0:11:26.800 I've been schooling loose since he was six years old. 0:11:26.880 --> 0:11:28.240 He popped that hoodie on his head and I went 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:31.400 and I said, let me just six point and I 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:34.439 let him see everything. I let him see everything on 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:36.959 to I let him process it. He knows how the 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:39.000 world works. He knows how cruel it is. You knows 0:11:39.040 --> 0:11:41.719 how unfair it is. And now Lila's knowing it. And 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:46.440 she what was Brian watching? He was watching oh squid game. 0:11:47.160 --> 0:11:49.400 She walked out of the room and she was deprayed. 0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:51.959 I was like, what happened? I don't want dad to 0:11:52.040 --> 0:11:54.439 watch that? And I said, well, I don't. I'm not 0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:56.599 watching it. It's violent. Oh of course you should. She 0:11:56.679 --> 0:12:00.280 was because there's no black people in it. The fact 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:03.040 that that was fire in her belly made me so 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:07.360 happy that she was already voicing it's amazing. And I 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:09.560 let them teach me and tell me what they need 0:12:09.640 --> 0:12:11.559 to know. I thought I was educated and woke. I 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:14.080 thought I had it all, and guess what I wasn't, Sandra. 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:16.199 I wanted to ask you a question in regards to 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:19.640 being judged to have people ever been like, well, Sandy, 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:22.160 why would you adopt to black children? You know, did 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:28.760 you ever feel you guess what? You you get the 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:33.360 racism you get, the get there's been sure a lot 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:38.120 of it. Guess what. Your sickness is not my problem. Yeah, 0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:40.960 let me say this about your saying that a sickness too, 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:45.560 because I don't think that that everybody that feels that way, 0:12:46.440 --> 0:12:50.640 um is racist. I think that they truly believe, because 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:53.000 I know I did in the beginning, and I've kind 0:12:53.040 --> 0:12:57.480 of changed my outlook on that. But feeling like it 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:00.959 is better for a black to be raised in a 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:04.440 black home, you know, And it's not a racist attitude, 0:13:04.480 --> 0:13:09.560 it's just as a protection for that child, absolutely so Yeah, 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:11.679 but at the end of the day, it's kind of 0:13:11.880 --> 0:13:15.240 a pretty old and tired attitude. Yeah. You know, in 0:13:15.360 --> 0:13:21.840 this new day, my ideas around love and family has expanded. Yeah. 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:25.360 I really have come to the conclusion that love is love, absolutely, 0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:27.160 And I know it's hard for people to look at 0:13:27.160 --> 0:13:29.560 a white woman going I just have a hard time 0:13:29.679 --> 0:13:33.360 getting past that. I know, they push up against that 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:35.760 and then they come into the home and it is 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:39.640 just I go, let our, let our, let our human 0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:42.840 love be at the evidence, you know, because I'm still 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:44.439 pissed in the morning when I go, I got you 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:47.079 up at seven, I got everything right, and still you're late. 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.760 It's like, you know, you're supposed to bring me the bag. 0:13:51.840 --> 0:13:53.280 I'm supposed to do your edges, and now you need 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:56.160 to sit down and execond to do it. Why are 0:13:56.200 --> 0:14:00.679 you taking away? It's chaos and I'm they leave the 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:03.320 house and I go, why am I angry again today? 0:14:03.520 --> 0:14:06.240 And then they're gone and then I miss them. It's 0:14:06.320 --> 0:14:08.240 like and every parent has the same thing. So I'm 0:14:08.280 --> 0:14:11.040 like coming to our home and discovered the every parent 0:14:11.559 --> 0:14:15.319 problem exactly, you know. And to say that I wish 0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:19.640 our skins matched, sometimes I do, because then it would 0:14:19.640 --> 0:14:23.240 be easy on how people approach us. It's our anxiety, 0:14:23.600 --> 0:14:26.480 it's our fear, it's our cross to bear. The minute 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:29.200 you become a mom, and I have the same feelings 0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:31.680 as a woman with brown skin and being her babies 0:14:31.720 --> 0:14:34.720 or a white woman with you know, white bees, but 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:40.200 the mother child you don't have to put a color on. 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:43.080 Maybe one day that will go away, Maybe one day 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:45.840 we will be able to see with different eyes, how 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:52.480 has your partner been during with me? He is? He 0:14:52.560 --> 0:14:55.800 has evolved on a level that is not human and 0:14:55.840 --> 0:15:02.040 what's he's part of the decision making. Hell no, all 0:15:02.120 --> 0:15:04.440 of this happened. I had let me first. And then 0:15:04.480 --> 0:15:06.720 when I met him and I was like, and we 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:09.520 hadn't been together that long. I go, remember that NDA 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:11.680 you sign when you photographed my son. He's like yeah, 0:15:11.760 --> 0:15:13.360 he's like he's still scared. His whole life had been 0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:15.800 unraveled because of me. And I said, you know that 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:18.240 still holds and he was like yeah, okay, okay, okay, 0:15:18.320 --> 0:15:19.880 why And it's like, because I'm bringing a child home 0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:22.240 when I come back from Toronto. Hand sorry what he 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:24.360 was like, And he was so happy, but he was scared. 0:15:25.120 --> 0:15:28.120 I'm a bulldozer. My life was already on the track 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:32.240 and here's this beautiful human being who doesn't want anything 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:35.760 to do with my life, but the right human being 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:40.120 to be there to help me be the crazy out 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:42.800 of the bottom. Yeah, but support, And you know what, 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:45.680 he's the example. He's the example that I would want 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:48.480 my children. I have a partner who's very Christian, and 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:50.560 so there's very two different ways of looking at things, 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:53.240 and I don't always agree with him. He doesn't always 0:15:53.240 --> 0:15:55.800 agree with me, but he is an example even when 0:15:55.840 --> 0:15:58.720 I don't agree with him that I go, if they 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:01.240 can take away from Matt and if that is where 0:16:01.360 --> 0:16:05.840 they feel drawn to, then he's the exact right. That's 0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:08.280 a beautiful way to be in this position. And you 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:11.160 know I'm stubborn, but sometimes I need to sit back 0:16:11.200 --> 0:16:13.720 and listen and go. You're saying it differently, but we 0:16:13.880 --> 0:16:18.280 mean exactly the same thing, the same thing. It's hard 0:16:18.320 --> 0:16:20.600 to co parent, yeah, because I just want to do 0:16:20.640 --> 0:16:23.880 it myself. Yeah. I just wanted to ask if it 0:16:24.040 --> 0:16:28.880 was hard to set boundaries because of how traumatic their 0:16:28.920 --> 0:16:32.360 past had been. Louise wasn't he had the benefit of 0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:37.000 having had me from the very beginning. Boundaries are huge, huge, 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.360 even now when I want a helicopter and fly in 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:45.280 um she differently than you're protecting for so long and 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:49.000 scared and then you have to let them go. What happens. 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:53.000 If something happens, you just hope you put everything that 0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:57.160 you can into them too. I mean, what do you 0:16:57.280 --> 0:17:00.600 do like when you guys left, how is that for you? 0:17:01.240 --> 0:17:08.080 We as a family have grown such a um strong connection. 0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:11.920 So even when my house was broken, into and I 0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:14.639 had a lot of things. It was just it was 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:18.760 just a lot to handle. No, I wasn't. It was 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:21.280 doing Christmas, thank god. But you know, I had just 0:17:21.440 --> 0:17:24.000 gotten that house, my first house, and you know that's 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:27.119 a big stepping stone for anyone. And you were invaded 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:31.560 in the worst way. Yeah, pretty much. Did you still 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:35.359 feel the ramification I had? I had a whole moment. 0:17:35.440 --> 0:17:39.399 It was rough, but you know, after I peeled myself 0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:41.880 off the floor, I took a deep breath. I said, 0:17:41.920 --> 0:17:44.600 you know what, I said a prayer, and I said, 0:17:44.640 --> 0:17:46.680 we're gonna be okay. This is We're going to figure 0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:50.720 it out regardless. But it didn't. See my house was 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:53.440 broken into. I was in it, and that's a different story. 0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:55.600 It's it's a difference, especially when you've been watching last 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:02.280 I mean, how's the in the closet going kiss doesn't end? Well, 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:04.680 I'm in the closet, not going to help, you know. 0:18:04.960 --> 0:18:07.560 But it was the one night that Louis wasn't with me. 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:10.439 It was the one night that ar nanny goes, let 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:12.080 me just take him to my apartment, which is up 0:18:12.080 --> 0:18:14.600 the street, because you're gonna be out late, and I went, 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:19.760 had he been home had he been home, I would 0:18:19.800 --> 0:18:23.320 have run to the closet was now my official closet, 0:18:23.480 --> 0:18:25.639 that was his bedroom, and it would have changed our 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:28.159 destiny forever. So why was he not home on that 0:18:28.240 --> 0:18:32.240 one night and the violation of that? Yeah, I wasn't 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:36.360 the same after that. I was unraveling. And that's hard. 0:18:36.400 --> 0:18:38.520 So I don't know, that is really hardcore. But that's 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:41.119 what I'm asking you, Like, what how long you know 0:18:41.240 --> 0:18:43.679 did it take to take you feel? Because that's that's 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:46.920 unless you address it. Yeah, you're you're sitting there. I 0:18:47.040 --> 0:18:51.240 still get scared. Um, I got my kiddis never there 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:58.760 alone though I make sure that. But you were still traumatized. 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:02.320 But I had to keep telling myself, I'm good. You 0:19:02.400 --> 0:19:04.440 know what I mean. But you have PTSD. You you 0:19:04.520 --> 0:19:08.440 were that you were violated. I wasn't there, which makes 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:11.960 it No, it doesn't make it better. It's just different. 0:19:12.000 --> 0:19:15.680 But the thought the violation is the same. Let it is, 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:18.399 you know, And and look, I I haven't been alone 0:19:18.480 --> 0:19:22.280 since the day it happened. But did they catch the guy? Oh? Yeah? 0:19:22.359 --> 0:19:25.760 And this is what's sad is that the system failed him. 0:19:27.040 --> 0:19:31.800 There was a altercation with SWAT and he killed himself, Wow, 0:19:32.400 --> 0:19:34.920 how has that journey of healing been like that? That? 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:39.000 That's hard? It was. There are some layers. I didn't 0:19:39.040 --> 0:19:42.840 realize what PTSD was until I was this is the 0:19:42.880 --> 0:19:45.600 oddest thing. I would look left out of a car, 0:19:46.240 --> 0:19:48.920 not right. I would look left and I would start sobbing. 0:19:49.680 --> 0:19:52.280 And I thought to myself, I'm a single parent and 0:19:52.560 --> 0:19:55.920 this child is going to absorb nothing but fear and 0:19:56.040 --> 0:20:00.879 trauma and shame from me in the most pivotal times 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:03.920 of his life. And I was like, I don't want 0:20:04.000 --> 0:20:08.879 to drop that load of baggage onto my beautiful child. 0:20:09.359 --> 0:20:12.160 So I discovered something called E M d R yeah, 0:20:12.920 --> 0:20:16.359 which amazing was the most healing. I was so scared 0:20:16.400 --> 0:20:19.399 to do it. Okay, what is that? They use it 0:20:19.480 --> 0:20:22.600 for trauma and PTSD is start tapping involved, It can 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:25.239 be tapping, it can be I had the paddles UM 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:28.840 and it is literally the therapist going start where you 0:20:29.160 --> 0:20:31.479 first find yourself in the house. And I was like, well, 0:20:31.480 --> 0:20:32.840 I was in the closet and I heard him banging 0:20:32.880 --> 0:20:35.640 on the door and and then UM and they said, okay, 0:20:35.720 --> 0:20:39.840 hold that feeling, and then he started vibrating the paddles 0:20:39.880 --> 0:20:42.920 and the paddles were inconsistent, so in your minds, where 0:20:42.920 --> 0:20:45.080 your eyes are closed, I was going back and forth 0:20:45.160 --> 0:20:48.080 mentally to wherever the paddle was vibrating. So what that 0:20:48.359 --> 0:20:51.080 is doing is rewiring your synapses. I think I'm saying 0:20:51.080 --> 0:20:53.159 this right. And so by the time he took me 0:20:53.200 --> 0:20:55.200 through was about two hours worth. I realized I'd gone 0:20:55.200 --> 0:20:58.200 on this entire journey and it was inside my house. 0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:02.320 But all of a sudden it went too unsafe relationships, 0:21:02.960 --> 0:21:06.280 unsafe childhood moments, unsafe thing. And when I got out 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:13.560 of it, I realized I have surrounded myself often with 0:21:13.880 --> 0:21:17.879 unsafe people and situations and put myself there. I no 0:21:17.920 --> 0:21:20.040 one else to blame it myself because that was the 0:21:20.119 --> 0:21:27.040 most familiar feeling I had, And I went understand that one, 0:21:27.359 --> 0:21:31.639 and that one that's a big one. I was in 0:21:31.720 --> 0:21:33.200 New Orleans with my friend Da day and he was 0:21:33.200 --> 0:21:35.160 sitting there. He goes, why are you making that noise? Stop? 0:21:35.240 --> 0:21:36.920 And I go, I'm not making I was literally looking 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:40.320 through an architectural digest. I love the design. He goes, 0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:43.800 but every time you flip a page, you're going And 0:21:43.840 --> 0:21:46.720 I went, I am because every time you flipped a page, 0:21:46.760 --> 0:21:50.600 and I went I have anxiety that I am sitting 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:52.560 in the place that I want to be in doing 0:21:52.640 --> 0:21:54.919 exactly what I wanted to be doing, and I had 0:21:55.040 --> 0:22:00.520 extreme anxiety. I went, that needs to stop. So in 0:22:00.640 --> 0:22:02.640 that E. M. D. R. Journey, I had to take 0:22:02.720 --> 0:22:06.280 ownership of everything that I brought into my world because 0:22:06.320 --> 0:22:10.480 it felt comfortable, and realized it no longer had a place. So, 0:22:10.840 --> 0:22:16.399 you know, I also vanity got. I was looking at 0:22:16.480 --> 0:22:18.560 my body and I said, it's going to break. It 0:22:18.720 --> 0:22:22.280 was not responding well to what was happening. The timeline 0:22:22.359 --> 0:22:25.280 is crazy. Louis had a Grandma Segar. He had a 0:22:25.320 --> 0:22:27.920 really high fever. I thought he had died. Two days later, 0:22:27.960 --> 0:22:30.439 I pulled my hair tight, went to the Academy awards. 0:22:30.480 --> 0:22:32.840 Pulled it too tight. Day later, I was bitten by 0:22:32.840 --> 0:22:36.600 a poisonous spider. My hair starts falling out. I have 0:22:36.720 --> 0:22:40.520 alopecia spots everywhere. I'm like, what the hell? And I've 0:22:40.520 --> 0:22:42.480 always had hair, And I'm by the tub laying out 0:22:42.560 --> 0:22:46.520 hair and going to the break in happens and I 0:22:46.640 --> 0:22:49.760 literally had to take inventory, going if I don't pull 0:22:49.840 --> 0:22:53.720 it together, I'm gonna die. The stress. Something is going 0:22:53.800 --> 0:22:56.280 to happen to my body that I can't control, and 0:22:56.320 --> 0:23:01.680 I can control almost everything. I know God really, so 0:23:02.400 --> 0:23:05.040 the m DR. I sought counsel, and I will seek 0:23:05.080 --> 0:23:07.960 it again, and I will. I learned to ask for help. 0:23:08.160 --> 0:23:10.280