WEBVTT - Constantly Overthinking or Doubting Yourself? (Do THIS 5-Minute Reset to Break Your Negative Spiral!) 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.320 We all talk to ourselves like our worst enemy. We 0:00:03.360 --> 0:00:06.200 talk to ourselves like someone we hate. We talk to 0:00:06.240 --> 0:00:09.719 ourselves like someone we don't believe in. You never talk 0:00:09.760 --> 0:00:12.000 to your friend like that. Now, I'm not saying that 0:00:12.039 --> 0:00:14.920 you want to falsely cheer yourself up either. I'm not 0:00:14.960 --> 0:00:16.639 saying you just want to look at yourself and be like, no, 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:19.159 I'm amazing and they were wrong. But you want to 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:23.439 have an honest assessment. So saying no, you're the best 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:27.760 isn't true, and saying you're the worst also isn't true. 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:34.479 The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setty Jay Shetty, 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:39.800 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm Jay Shetty, 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:42.680 the author of New York Times best selling books Think 0:00:42.760 --> 0:00:45.520 Like a Monk and Eight Rules of Love. And I'm 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:47.920 so glad you're here today because i think one of 0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:50.600 the biggest challenges that I'm hearing so many of you 0:00:50.640 --> 0:00:54.720 dealing with right now is not the voices outside. It's 0:00:54.760 --> 0:00:57.360 not the voice of your friends, it's not the voice 0:00:57.360 --> 0:01:01.440 of your families. It's the voice in side your head. 0:01:01.760 --> 0:01:05.160 If you've ever felt that you've got a critic sitting 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:08.640 in your head. Twenty four to seven, Finding a way 0:01:08.720 --> 0:01:14.880 to overanalyze, criticize, complain about every move you make, every 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:19.160 thought you have, every decision you're about to make, and 0:01:19.240 --> 0:01:22.759 you find that that critical voice is blocking you from 0:01:22.800 --> 0:01:26.800 living your best life, is blocking you from unleashing your potential, 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:29.000 is blocking you from making that idea happen. Maybe you 0:01:29.000 --> 0:01:30.800 have an idea for a podcast, but the voice in 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:33.360 your head always says, don't do it. Maybe you have 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:35.800 an idea about how to impact the world positively, and 0:01:35.800 --> 0:01:38.160 you've a voice in your head saying you're not good enough. 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:41.600 Maybe you have the desire to build your own business, 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:44.120 to start your own company, and the voice in your 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:47.960 head says it's a stupid idea. Whatever it is, we 0:01:48.160 --> 0:01:52.360 all go through moments in life where we keep beating 0:01:52.440 --> 0:01:56.120 ourselves up. If you're someone who wants to silence that 0:01:56.160 --> 0:01:59.360 critic in your head, this episode is for you. If 0:01:59.400 --> 0:02:03.240 you're someone who wants to break through that negative spiral 0:02:03.240 --> 0:02:06.640 in your mind, this episode is for you. And if 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:09.320 you're someone who wants to stop beating yourself up and 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:15.800 start lifting yourself up, this episode is for you. Let's 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:18.160 dive in. The first thing I want to talk about 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:24.399 is that self criticism feels like control, but it's actually sabotaged. 0:02:24.760 --> 0:02:28.239 Right when we criticize ourself, we think we're in control, 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:31.840 we think we know everything, We think we're correcting ourselves. 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:37.119 What we don't realize is we're actually sabotaging ourselves. Imagine 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:43.359 a top tennis player keeps berating themselves after every missed shot. 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:47.799 Instead of focusing, they actually are just beating themselves up 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:52.200 about the last point. That self criticism that they thought 0:02:52.240 --> 0:02:57.280 would motivate them actually destroys their rhythm. There's an incredible 0:02:57.360 --> 0:03:01.799 speech that was given by Roger Federer at Dartmouth University, 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:06.400 and he said that in his career he has missed 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:09.800 so many points, He has lost so many points, but 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:12.720 he said the biggest skill he had is that he 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:16.280 never focused on the last point he missed. He said, 0:03:16.320 --> 0:03:18.239 if I'm focused on the last point that I missed, 0:03:18.480 --> 0:03:20.600 or if I'm focused on the future point that I 0:03:20.680 --> 0:03:24.960 might miss, then guess what I miss the present shot. 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:28.040 I miss the present moment. So many of us are 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:31.440 beating ourselves up for the past. So many of ourselves 0:03:31.440 --> 0:03:34.200 are beating ourselves up for not having the future we 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:36.560 thought we were going to build. What does that do? 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:43.720 It makes the present, lose time, money, energy, everything. Ask 0:03:43.800 --> 0:03:49.400 yourself to stop seeing self criticism as motivating in control. 0:03:50.280 --> 0:03:53.800 Kristin Nef's research on self compassion from two thousand and 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:59.680 five shows that students who forgave themselves for procrastinating studied 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:04.360 more effectively for the next exam, while harsh self critics 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:09.960 repeated the same cycle. Imagine that forgiving yourself makes you 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:16.600 more focused. Forgiving yourself allows you to move forward. Resenting 0:04:16.640 --> 0:04:24.080 yourself holds you back. Criticizing yourself demotivates you. And think 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:25.840 about it when you're talking to someone else or when 0:04:25.839 --> 0:04:29.120 someone speaking to you. If someone criticizes your every move. 0:04:29.160 --> 0:04:32.479 I remember I've not played golf very often, but I 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:35.240 took a lesson once and I had a coach who 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:39.279 criticized me every quarter of a swing. So even before 0:04:39.400 --> 0:04:43.440 I swung and hit the ball, he would criticize every 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:45.440 single time, and every time I was about to hit 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:50.000 the ball, he'd have another criticism. It demotivated me. Think 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:52.320 about yourself. If every time you share an idea with 0:04:52.360 --> 0:04:54.200 the friend, they just pull it apart, even if they're 0:04:54.200 --> 0:04:59.279 well intentioned, it demotivates you. How many of you have 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:03.360 called yourself stupid after making a mistake at work, and 0:05:03.480 --> 0:05:07.520 instead of fixing it quickly, you spiral into self doubt, 0:05:07.760 --> 0:05:10.840 which means you make more errors. And what's really interesting 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:13.240 to me about this is that it's not just about performance, 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:18.080 it's not just about focus. It's even in relationships. Maybe 0:05:18.080 --> 0:05:20.839 you're beating yourself up for staying in a relationship for 0:05:20.880 --> 0:05:25.279 too long. Maybe you're beating yourself up for allowing someone 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:28.520 to walk all over you. Maybe you're beating yourself up 0:05:28.920 --> 0:05:32.440 for allowing someone to mistreat you. When you beat yourself 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:37.599 up for someone already treating you badly, it only gets worse. 0:05:38.520 --> 0:05:45.240 Forgive yourself for confusing attention with love. Forgive yourself for 0:05:45.360 --> 0:05:50.400 ignoring red flags because you wanted it to work. Forgive 0:05:50.440 --> 0:05:56.760 yourself for chasing validation instead of connection. Forgive yourself for 0:05:56.839 --> 0:06:01.560 being loyal to people who weren't loyal to you. Forgive 0:06:01.600 --> 0:06:05.840 yourself so that you can move on. Because we don't 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:10.599 forgive ourselves, we don't heal. Healing is not just about 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:14.240 forgiving others, about letting go of what side side of ourselves. 0:06:14.720 --> 0:06:17.719 It's about saying, you know that mistake I made, that's 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:21.040 all I knew, then, that's all the information I had then, 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:25.120 and maybe I even knew better. But guess what I'm 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:28.360 now learning that lesson, I'm now applying it. That will 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:32.600 free you from actually blocking yourself from growth. The second 0:06:32.640 --> 0:06:35.680 thing I want to talk about is you wouldn't talk 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:39.480 to a friend like that, So why talk to yourself 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:44.600 like that? Imagine your best friend failed a job interview. 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:48.440 Would you say you're useless? You should have prepared better, 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:52.120 You never get hired. Now, you would never say that 0:06:52.240 --> 0:06:55.640 to a friend ever. Yet that's how we all talk 0:06:55.680 --> 0:06:59.320 to ourselves. We all talk to ourselves like our worst enemy. 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:02.920 We talk to ourselves like someone we hate. We talk 0:07:02.960 --> 0:07:06.360 to ourselves like someone we don't believe in. You never 0:07:06.400 --> 0:07:08.760 talk to your friend like that. Now, I'm not saying 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:11.680 that you want to falsely cheer yourself up either. I'm 0:07:11.680 --> 0:07:13.120 not saying you just want to look at yourself and 0:07:13.200 --> 0:07:15.560 be like, no, I'm amazing and they were wrong. But 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:18.720 you want to have an honest assessment, So saying no, 0:07:18.840 --> 0:07:23.000 you're the best isn't true, and saying you're the worst 0:07:23.320 --> 0:07:26.400 also isn't true. In The Bug with Gheeto, one of 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:29.040 the books I studied as a monk, it talks about 0:07:29.120 --> 0:07:34.160 how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. 0:07:34.600 --> 0:07:37.480 The feeling of I'm the best or I'm the worst 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:39.800 are two sides of the same coin. It's just the 0:07:39.920 --> 0:07:42.640 ego playing games with you. When the ego makes you 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:47.040 believe you're the best, well, you become complacent, infallible. When 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:50.720 the ego makes you believe you're the worst, guess what, 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:55.680 it doesn't help you grow. It's the honest introspection, the 0:07:55.720 --> 0:07:58.560 honest assessment that we all need. Hey, this is what 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:00.400 I got right in the interview. But you know what, 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:03.920 I didn't really nail these three things. You're now not 0:08:04.080 --> 0:08:07.600 assessing it as you, you're assessing it as something you 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:11.800 took part in. There's research on self talk that found 0:08:11.920 --> 0:08:19.120 athletes who used positive instructional self talk improved performance, while 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:24.080 negative self talk led to choking under pressure. Think about that. 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:26.400 So we all have self talk. You can't stop the 0:08:26.440 --> 0:08:30.440 self talk, but those that were constructive, those that were positive, 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:34.439 those that were focused forward, made a difference. Imagine before 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:38.120 a date, you tell yourself, I'm boring, I'm not sure 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:41.120 they're going to like me. So what happens You walk 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:45.719 in nervous and awkward. It's a prophecy you help fulfill, 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:49.559 and what happens in that scenario you end up being boring. 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:53.360 You end up feeling more boring. Now I'm not saying 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:54.960 you walk in there and think you're the most interesting 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:57.120 person on the planet, but you think, hey, you know what, 0:08:57.160 --> 0:08:58.680 I've got a couple of things that are interesting to 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:00.640 talk about, got a couple of thing in my life 0:09:00.640 --> 0:09:04.760 that are important to talk about. Encourage yourself when no 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:10.520 one else is clapping. Validate yourself when no one else 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:16.000 is noticing. Challenge yourself when no one else is pushing 0:09:17.120 --> 0:09:22.840 forgive yourself when no one else understands. Believe in yourself 0:09:23.600 --> 0:09:31.160 before anyone else does. Push yourself without punishing yourself, because 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:34.400 if you don't do it, you'll always be waiting for 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:40.200 someone else. Strong people did the difficult thing when no 0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:45.400 one was watching. Strong people did the challenging thing when 0:09:45.400 --> 0:09:49.680 no one was clapping. Strong people did the hardest thing 0:09:51.000 --> 0:09:56.040 when it was just in private. Do the hard thing, 0:09:57.000 --> 0:09:59.920 do the right thing when no one's there to know, 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:04.680 and you will be able to do it brilliantly when 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:08.559 they're all watching on the sidelines. The third thing I 0:10:08.600 --> 0:10:13.000 wanted to talk about is how beating yourself up. Doesn't 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:17.960 build accountability, but it does build shame. Right when you 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:20.319 keep beating yourself up, you think and by the way, 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:22.839 we do this to other people as well. Sometimes will 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:25.240 be mean to someone or will criticize them, hoping that 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:28.560 helps them improve, but it just keeps beating them down. 0:10:29.120 --> 0:10:31.800 You can't beat someone down and lift them up at 0:10:31.840 --> 0:10:34.120 the same time, which is what we're trying to do, right. 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:37.440 We're trying to beat ourselves up so that we do more, 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:40.960 are more productive, and more effective. Doesn't work that way. 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:44.960 Imagine a teenager court cheating an exam. They feel so 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:49.040 much shame and they think I'm a terrible person. Instead 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:54.400 of changing, they hide their mistakes and cheat again. Brene 0:10:54.480 --> 0:10:59.480 Brown's work distinguishes guilt I did something bad from shame 0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:07.400 I am bad. Guilt drives corrective action, Shame feel secrecy, 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:12.520 and withdrawal. Notice the difference I did something bad, I 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:17.120 am bad. Every time you say I am and follow 0:11:17.200 --> 0:11:21.000 it up with a negative word, you start believing that 0:11:21.160 --> 0:11:25.640 is your identity. Every time you say I did something bad, 0:11:26.080 --> 0:11:29.120 you're able to recognize it as a habit or a 0:11:29.160 --> 0:11:32.480 pattern that you can change. It's a lot harder to 0:11:32.480 --> 0:11:36.080 feel we can change ourselves than change something we did. 0:11:36.800 --> 0:11:39.520 Let me give you a real life example. Imagine you 0:11:39.559 --> 0:11:43.360 snap at your partner and then afterwards you feel shame. 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:48.839 You think I'm a horrible partner. What happens Instead of apologizing, 0:11:49.280 --> 0:11:52.120 you avoid them because you feel so bad about yourself. 0:11:52.520 --> 0:11:55.560 What does that do? It only makes things worse. When 0:11:55.600 --> 0:11:58.959 you just shame yourself as a bad person, you actually 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:01.720 want to spend less time doing the good. It's almost 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:04.960 like you get so comfortable in the dark that the 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:08.360 light kind of exposes you, so you move away from 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:11.600 the light. We don't want to move away from the light. 0:12:12.360 --> 0:12:14.200 When the light comes on, you see things for what 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:18.120 they are, and shame blocks us from seeing the way 0:12:18.120 --> 0:12:21.480 things they are because it's too scary, it's too hard. 0:12:21.920 --> 0:12:24.240 I'll give you a really interesting example. I remember the 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:26.599 first time I went to Vegas at night there was 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:28.720 all this glitz and glam and all the rest of it. 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:31.440 In the morning, I remember with the lights on the 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:36.360 casino floor, seeing people glued to the slot machine, seeing 0:12:37.240 --> 0:12:41.640 vomit or drinks and popcorn all over the floor, and 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.640 seeing people passed out like it just wasn't the same 0:12:44.679 --> 0:12:49.120 sight because the light shows us what's actually there, so 0:12:49.520 --> 0:12:51.920 we move away from the light when it shows us 0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:55.840 what's actually there. But if we cannot let shame take over, 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:58.480 we can actually look at things for what they are. 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:07.560 Shame yourself. It won't change you. Compassion will. Don't blame yourself. 0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:14.480 It won't change you. Accountability will. Don't criticize yourself. It 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:20.040 won't change you. Action will. Don't beat yourself up. It 0:13:20.080 --> 0:13:25.680 won't change you. Challenges will. You don't grow because of guilt. 0:13:26.679 --> 0:13:39.800 It just slows you down. I've come to realize that 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:43.839 food is never just food. It's a memory. I love language, 0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:46.760 a way we express who we are without saying a word. 0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:50.240 Some of the most meaningful conversations I've ever had happened 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:53.080 around a table. That moment when someone passes you a 0:13:53.120 --> 0:13:56.520 dish that's been in their family for generations, or when 0:13:56.520 --> 0:14:00.840 a flavor takes you back to childhood. 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Food connects us not just 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:18.000 to each other, but to a part of ourselves. We 0:15:18.080 --> 0:15:23.320 sometimes forget the part that slows down, that listens, that feels. 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:27.200 With Chase Sapphire Reserve, you're not just making a reservation. 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:31.800 You're creating a memory, a moment of presence, a moment 0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:46.760 of purpose. The four point today is your brain is 0:15:46.880 --> 0:15:50.520 wired to focus on mistakes. How many times have you 0:15:50.560 --> 0:15:52.640 had this? You do something right and your brain will 0:15:52.680 --> 0:15:55.720 barely notice it. You do something wrong and your brain 0:15:55.760 --> 0:15:57.840 will think about it all day. Let's say you were 0:15:57.880 --> 0:16:00.720 great in a meeting today. At work, you'll forget about 0:16:00.720 --> 0:16:04.160 it in the next meeting. You say something sloppy or 0:16:04.160 --> 0:16:06.360 made a mistake at a meeting, and work you're now 0:16:06.440 --> 0:16:08.120 thinking about for the rest of the rest of the week, 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:10.880 thinking that's all anyone can think about. Your brain is 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:15.560 wired to focus on mistakes. Imagine this, a musician finishes 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:20.200 their concert. Hundreds of thousands of people are clapping. One 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:24.920 person frowns, one person isn't happy. One person posts on 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:28.560 social media that they want their money back. Guess what 0:16:28.800 --> 0:16:33.200 the mind obsesses over. It obsesses over the negative comments. 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:36.000 You may even see this on your social media. You'll 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:39.000 have ten of your friends respond. One of them doesn't 0:16:39.000 --> 0:16:41.200 in the group chat, and you're thinking about that one friend. 0:16:41.240 --> 0:16:44.080 Why didn't they respond? Don't they like me? You're forgetting 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:47.640 about the ten people over here who responded immediately. It's 0:16:47.640 --> 0:16:50.520 your birthday. Seven people show up to the party that 0:16:50.600 --> 0:16:52.920 you wanted to see, three people don't show up, whereas 0:16:52.920 --> 0:16:55.120 your mind go to the three people who didn't show up. 0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:59.960 One study showed that negative events wag three to five 0:17:00.160 --> 0:17:04.000 times more heavily in our minds than positive ones. This 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:07.159 is known as the negativity bias. So what do we 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:10.720 do with that? Here's what I've learned. You remember the 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:14.160 bad times more than the good times because when things 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:18.280 go well, you celebrate for a night, but when things 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:21.760 go bad, you cry for a month. We're used to 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:26.720 going deeper into our harder emotions than we are into 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:30.919 our happier emotions. We've got to learn to rewire our mind. 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:34.560 How do we do this? When something good happens to you, 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:39.080 share it. When something good happens to you, or someone 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:43.000 does something good to you, share it, talk about it. 0:17:43.600 --> 0:17:48.680 You're training your mind to spot what will change it positively. 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:51.200 I could look around this room and I can think 0:17:51.200 --> 0:17:54.040 about all the mistakes in how the furniture is placed 0:17:54.040 --> 0:17:57.399 and what I need to change. That's important. But at 0:17:57.440 --> 0:17:59.160 the same time, I can look around and see how 0:17:59.160 --> 0:18:04.560 beautiful it is. That's also important. It's valuable to know 0:18:04.600 --> 0:18:06.919 what needs to change in your life. It's valuable to 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:09.199 know what's not going in the direction you want it 0:18:09.200 --> 0:18:11.720 to go in your life. But if that's all you have, 0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:15.360 then you'll just create more of it. There's something known 0:18:15.480 --> 0:18:18.360 as the frequency illusion. How many terms have you said 0:18:18.359 --> 0:18:20.960 to yourself, I really like that color, or I really 0:18:21.000 --> 0:18:23.600 like that shirt or pants or whatever it is, and 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:25.960 now you see them everywhere. Everyone's wearing them. Everyone's wearing 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:28.200 that color. Or you want to get a car and 0:18:28.240 --> 0:18:29.800 you want to get a black car, and now you 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:32.680 see black cars everywhere. It's not like there's more black 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:34.800 cars on the road, or more people are wearing those 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:37.679 skirts or shirts or whatever it may be. It's just 0:18:37.720 --> 0:18:40.320 that you have a heightened awareness of it. This is 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:43.919 why gratitude works so well. Gratitude doesn't work because it's magic. 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:47.440 It's that when you become grateful for something, you notice 0:18:47.520 --> 0:18:50.480 more things to be grateful for. Right now, your brain 0:18:50.600 --> 0:18:54.200 is wired to spot negative things, So you spot more 0:18:54.240 --> 0:18:57.159 negative things than you do positive, not because there are 0:18:57.200 --> 0:18:59.960 more negative things in the world, just because you're trained 0:19:00.480 --> 0:19:04.200 to notice it. One of my favorite quotes from Wayne 0:19:04.280 --> 0:19:08.040 Dyer is this, you don't see things as they are. 0:19:08.880 --> 0:19:13.280 You see things as you are. When you are focused 0:19:13.320 --> 0:19:16.879 on the negative, you see more negative. When you focus 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:21.320 on the positive, you notice more positive. This isn't positive thinking. 0:19:21.680 --> 0:19:26.600 Positive thinking is pretending like the negative doesn't exist. Noticing 0:19:26.640 --> 0:19:30.920 good things is learning to tune yourself in to higher 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:35.760 vibration and frequency. Point number five is that progress is 0:19:35.840 --> 0:19:41.560 not linear. Thomas Edison tested over one thousand prototypes before 0:19:41.640 --> 0:19:45.280 the light bulb worked. If he saw setbacks his failure, 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:49.200 he'd have quit after attempt number ten. There's an amazing 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:53.240 study that talks about the stages of change. Model shows 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:57.320 that relapse i e. Slipping back into smoking, for example, 0:19:57.840 --> 0:20:02.320 isn't failure. It's part of how lasting behavior change happens. 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:05.439 Think about this for a second. You commit to running 0:20:05.440 --> 0:20:08.639 three times a week. One week, you only manage once, 0:20:09.200 --> 0:20:11.639 and what usually happens is you quit. You got I 0:20:11.720 --> 0:20:14.320 messed up this week. Next week I won't run it all. 0:20:15.040 --> 0:20:17.840 But what happens you actually lose track. Whereas when you 0:20:17.920 --> 0:20:21.240 recognize that that's part of the process of change. When 0:20:21.240 --> 0:20:23.320 you set a new goal, when you set a new habit, 0:20:24.000 --> 0:20:26.040 you are going to have days that you fall back. 0:20:26.920 --> 0:20:29.320 When you break up with someone. You might feel healed 0:20:30.080 --> 0:20:32.679 in a month, and then in seven months you're going 0:20:32.720 --> 0:20:35.640 to be sitting there thinking about your ex. That's part 0:20:35.640 --> 0:20:39.760 of the healing journey. When you realize that healing is 0:20:39.800 --> 0:20:44.840 three steps forward, two steps back, four steps forward, three 0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:50.120 steps back, sometimes one step forward, four steps back. When 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:54.480 you realize that's what healing looks like, you're actually free 0:20:54.520 --> 0:20:57.560 to heal when you want it all to happen today, 0:20:57.840 --> 0:21:01.480 When you want healing to all happen tomorrow, it will 0:21:01.560 --> 0:21:04.080 last forever. So when we fall off track, we beat 0:21:04.119 --> 0:21:06.920 ourselves up. Oh I did three times last week, but 0:21:07.000 --> 0:21:09.359 this time only went to the gym once. I was 0:21:09.440 --> 0:21:11.760 eating really really healthy, but last night I just crash. 0:21:11.840 --> 0:21:14.200 Guess what, the week doesn't matter, right, How many times 0:21:14.200 --> 0:21:16.679 have you done that? And it all happens because you 0:21:16.680 --> 0:21:19.920 beat yourself up. You don't fall back into bad habits 0:21:19.960 --> 0:21:23.640 because you're lazy. You fall back into bad habits because 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:26.120 you beat yourself up. When you have a bad day. 0:21:26.800 --> 0:21:31.480 Don't turn a bad day into a bad week. Don't 0:21:31.520 --> 0:21:35.280 turn a bad week into a bad month, and don't 0:21:35.320 --> 0:21:38.959 turn a bad month into a bad year. Let it 0:21:39.000 --> 0:21:43.520 be a bad day that's okay, But tomorrow pick yourself 0:21:43.600 --> 0:21:46.600 up and make it a great one. It's when you 0:21:46.640 --> 0:21:51.040 don't beat yourself up that you keep the power of 0:21:51.240 --> 0:21:55.560 turning a bad day into a good month, a bad 0:21:55.640 --> 0:21:58.840 day into a good week. I hope that resonates with you. 0:21:58.840 --> 0:22:01.160 Next time you set a goal, a change, or whatever 0:22:01.160 --> 0:22:03.760 you want to do and you fall off, know that 0:22:03.760 --> 0:22:07.159 that's part of it. Give yourself grace and you'll be 0:22:07.200 --> 0:22:10.720 able to get back on track much quicker. The sixth 0:22:10.720 --> 0:22:13.000 thing I wanted to share with you today is that 0:22:13.160 --> 0:22:17.840 rest is part of progress, not the opposite of it. 0:22:18.840 --> 0:22:22.080 So many of us think that rest means we're not 0:22:22.200 --> 0:22:26.119 moving forward. My monk teacher used to say, if you 0:22:26.240 --> 0:22:29.600 want to move three steps forward, you have to go 0:22:29.680 --> 0:22:33.119 three steps deep. So if you're struggling to move forward, 0:22:34.160 --> 0:22:39.720 ask yourself if you've gone inward already. Elite athletes schedule 0:22:39.800 --> 0:22:44.960 recovery days as strictly as training days. Serena Williams even 0:22:45.080 --> 0:22:50.439 naps before matches because rest is strategy, not laziness. For 0:22:50.560 --> 0:22:53.640 most of us, though, rest isn't something we plan. It's 0:22:53.640 --> 0:22:56.760 something we end up doing when we're exhausted. When you're 0:22:56.880 --> 0:23:02.520 resting when you're exhausted, that's not rest. That's survival, that's recovery. 0:23:02.600 --> 0:23:05.840 That's why it's so stressful. Whereas the highest performers in 0:23:05.880 --> 0:23:10.240 the world have scheduled rest, that scheduled rest is what 0:23:10.400 --> 0:23:13.760 helps them perform at their best in all the other times. 0:23:14.280 --> 0:23:17.920 On the podcast, I've into Matthew Walker, who has done 0:23:17.960 --> 0:23:21.439 a lot of research on sleep, and his study on 0:23:21.560 --> 0:23:26.280 why We Sleep from twenty seventeen shows deep sleep consolidates 0:23:26.400 --> 0:23:32.280 learning and strengthens memory. Without it, performance and creativity drop. 0:23:33.000 --> 0:23:35.679 Some people think, oh, oh sleep when I'm dead, Oh 0:23:35.680 --> 0:23:39.640 our sleep when I'm tired. That sleep is the reason 0:23:40.200 --> 0:23:42.600 you can be so productive. That sleep is the reason 0:23:42.640 --> 0:23:45.679 you can be proactive. That sleep is the reason you 0:23:45.720 --> 0:23:49.879 can be so effective. So no, don't beat yourself up 0:23:49.920 --> 0:23:53.720 for wanting to rest, don't beat yourself up for wanting 0:23:53.760 --> 0:23:58.000 to take a break, don't beat yourself up for wanting 0:23:58.040 --> 0:24:02.760 to slow down, And don't beat yourself up for wanting 0:24:02.760 --> 0:24:06.359 to have your own time. Allow yourself to slow down, 0:24:06.960 --> 0:24:11.720 give yourself permission to be still. That's where your power is. 0:24:12.400 --> 0:24:15.040 Let me give you an example. You work late every 0:24:15.119 --> 0:24:18.480 night to get ahead, but you're so burned out you're 0:24:18.480 --> 0:24:22.200 starting to make sloppy mistakes. A rested version of you 0:24:22.480 --> 0:24:28.640 would finish faster with fewer errors. Working more doesn't achieve more. 0:24:29.520 --> 0:24:35.560 Losing sleep doesn't achieve more. Trying to do everything doesn't 0:24:35.560 --> 0:24:41.919 achieve more. Sometimes you achieve more by more rest, more stillness, 0:24:42.680 --> 0:24:47.159 and more calm. Point number seven is that self kindness 0:24:47.720 --> 0:24:54.360 builds resilience more than self criticism ever will. Navy seals 0:24:54.440 --> 0:24:58.960 in training who used encouraging self talk were far more 0:24:59.160 --> 0:25:04.520 likely to complete Hell Week than those who tore themselves down. Now, 0:25:04.560 --> 0:25:07.119 for those of you who don't know, Hell Week is 0:25:07.160 --> 0:25:10.800 the most grueling training that a Navy seal goes through. 0:25:11.119 --> 0:25:13.760 I interviewed David Goggins, and if you want to know 0:25:13.840 --> 0:25:15.800 more about it, you can go back to that episode 0:25:16.119 --> 0:25:19.880 and watch and listen to what that week actually entails. 0:25:20.080 --> 0:25:22.800 It's a five and a half day period during the 0:25:22.800 --> 0:25:27.520 first phase of seal training. Candidates average about four hours 0:25:27.520 --> 0:25:31.159 of sleep for the entire week, less than one hour 0:25:31.240 --> 0:25:36.159 per night. They're constantly exposed to cold water, mud, sand, 0:25:36.520 --> 0:25:41.320