Speaker 1: Hello, Hey, Hey, what's up? Oh my god, this is
Speaker 1: while Yes, who is this?
Speaker 2: Ah?
Speaker 1: This is Laura, Laura. What's up Laura? Have we ever
Speaker 1: spoken before?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: We have not beautiful beautiful, So what's up, Laura? How's life?
Speaker 4: Life is Okay? I just broke up with a guy
Speaker 4: I've been kind of on and off with for about
Speaker 4: seven years. We dated in high school and then we
Speaker 4: kind of distance and.
Speaker 1: We met.
Speaker 4: We found each other on Tinder, and so we swiped
Speaker 4: and we hung out for a minute, and then we
Speaker 4: kind of distanced again, and then we ran into each
Speaker 4: other on campus and go back in love. And I
Speaker 4: ended thing because I didn't want to waste time because
Speaker 4: I don't think much. So actually, I don't know what's
Speaker 4: really weird. Usually I am like heartbroken, but I feel normal.
Speaker 1: You're usually heartbroken when.
Speaker 4: It's off, Yeah, usually like when I end things and stuff.
Speaker 4: But I don't know. I just I'm riding the wave.
Speaker 4: I'm a little confused, but you know, I'm just living.
Speaker 1: You normally feel heartbroken when it's off, specifically with this
Speaker 1: guy that you've been on love with so many times.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and also like in general when I have a connection.
Speaker 4: But yeah, but it kind of sucks because you know,
Speaker 4: he was a stable guy. I see him being like
Speaker 4: a husband and like a father. But I'm twenty three
Speaker 4: right now and I'm not really looking for something stable,
Speaker 4: like I'm trying to. I'm trying to move out of
Speaker 4: the state I'm living in and try I want to
Speaker 4: get a bartending experience. I'm also like a audio engineer too,
Speaker 4: so I want to try to get a job after
Speaker 4: I get my shirt certification at like a cruise ship
Speaker 4: or something. I've heard someone from your podcast say that
Speaker 4: they worked on a cruise ship and it sounds so fun.
Speaker 1: So, uh, why do you think you feel differently this
Speaker 1: time than you normally do.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I I guess I'm trusting in the universe that everything's
Speaker 4: going to what it needs to be. I don't know,
Speaker 4: it's I'm confused to I'm also going through other stuff,
Speaker 4: but I'm not trying to go too deep, so there's
Speaker 4: like other worries on my mind. But I don't know.
Speaker 4: It's really weird to me that I'm I feel afloat
Speaker 4: and like I do have my moments where I do
Speaker 4: get like sad and like deeply like oppressed a little bit.
Speaker 4: I don't know for things ending, but this time, I
Speaker 4: just I don't know. I maybe I think might I
Speaker 4: know that we're probably gonna see each other again, and
Speaker 4: we left on good terms, so we're still friends, but
Speaker 4: we don't talk. But I don't know.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 4: It's really weird because these I'm I'm usually a very
Speaker 4: emotional person, so it's very off for me.
Speaker 1: Hm uh, well, I mean it could it be because
Speaker 1: you just feel a stronger sense of direction for the
Speaker 1: future that you're like, oh, I don't even need this.
Speaker 4: Possibly. I was watching someone on YouTube about like their perspective.
Speaker 4: They were reading like Reddit stories falling out of love stories,
Speaker 4: and they mentioned saying, well, if my boyfriend wanted to
Speaker 4: go move and like pursue their career or like something
Speaker 4: like that, and they had to leave me behind, that's
Speaker 4: a no, I would end it. And I'm like, well,
Speaker 4: personally for me, I I don't know. I wouldn't. I
Speaker 4: don't feel like that should. It's all different for everyone
Speaker 4: for relationships, but for me personally, I don't think I
Speaker 4: can pursue a relationship that's long distance. I get too
Speaker 4: emotional and my number one love language is like quality time.
Speaker 4: So and he also the guy was with or used
Speaker 4: to be. We only saw each other like once a
Speaker 4: week because we didn't live too far. But we're both
Speaker 4: students and we both have full time jobs. But he
Speaker 4: worked with his best friends every day in the same office,
Speaker 4: and then he would hang out with them afterwards because
Speaker 4: they all have the same schedule. And then I would
Speaker 4: feel a little bit like I'm not a priority because
Speaker 4: he would go out with his friends and he wouldn't
Speaker 4: like really communicate really well. But we had like a
Speaker 4: little argument and a small break like a week or
Speaker 4: something where we just needed distance from each other. But
Speaker 4: then we came back and we both talked and we
Speaker 4: try to meet with each other, and honestly, it was
Speaker 4: really well, and the relationship was like perfect. He's exactly
Speaker 4: what I needed and a boyfriend. But for some reason
Speaker 4: I just wasn't fulfilled, I guess with him, which sucks
Speaker 4: because he was a very stable person and he had
Speaker 4: a very high paying job and all this and that,
Speaker 4: like he was husband material.
Speaker 1: But why didn't you feel why didn't you feel fulfilled
Speaker 1: with him? Do you think?
Speaker 4: Well, to be honest, not like it was the whole thing,
Speaker 4: but a big part of it was he was a
Speaker 4: little vanilla in bed.
Speaker 1: Really.
Speaker 4: Uh yeah. I was open with him and I'm like,
Speaker 4: I'm down to do and try anything. And he did
Speaker 4: his best, but I could tell that he was not
Speaker 4: comfortable trying things or like but they.
Speaker 1: Was just I mean, can I ask, like, what were
Speaker 1: you asking him to like tie you up and shit
Speaker 1: like that? I mean, what were you trying to get
Speaker 1: him to do?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I just told him to be a little bit more sonamant,
Speaker 4: just to start small. I also bought a sex game
Speaker 4: to get his toes in the water with stuff. But
Speaker 4: and that helped a little bit. But we wouldn't play
Speaker 4: the game too often because it would just come up
Speaker 4: in the mood, you know, like it would have to
Speaker 4: be a special night like that it would be like
Speaker 4: a date night that I would bring it out. But
Speaker 4: most of the time it wasn't a date night. We
Speaker 4: would just hang it out.
Speaker 1: So the game thing is interesting. The game thing is
Speaker 1: interesting because it's like, uh, I feel the same way
Speaker 1: about bringing out a board game, uh for sex that
Speaker 1: I do with bringing out a board game. Uh, in
Speaker 1: any social interaction, which is like we were having a nice, normal,
Speaker 1: natural time and now you want to put fucking all
Speaker 1: these rules and things. It's just real. It's like when
Speaker 1: you're at a party and someone brings out like cards
Speaker 1: against humanity and you're like, I don't want to fucking
Speaker 1: do this.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: The sex version of that sounds like doubly as awful.
Speaker 4: I mean, it wasn't bad, but it was actually kind
Speaker 4: of fun. And the game would be a drinking and
Speaker 4: sex game, so like if you didn't want to do something,
Speaker 4: you would drink. Ah, but we don't really drink that often.
Speaker 4: I mean I might have had issues with alcohol in
Speaker 4: the past, but like I'm trying to my buddy's first now,
Speaker 4: and alcohol makes you inflamed and stuff like that, and
Speaker 4: like it's not good for your skin, so I'm trying
Speaker 4: to hold back. It's a little hard, but I mean,
Speaker 4: like because every day sounds fun to be a little buzzed,
Speaker 4: but I have priorities.
Speaker 1: So he was just like, I mean, you were on
Speaker 1: and off with this guy for seven years. Was he
Speaker 1: like not sexually fulfilling for you for the whole time?
Speaker 4: Yeah? I mean no, uh. When we were younger, especially,
Speaker 4: like I like, it was really fun and exciting, but then, like,
Speaker 4: to be honest, during our break I went to a
Speaker 4: music festival and I found a guy there and we
Speaker 4: did a couple of hand stuff. But he was exactly
Speaker 4: what I was asking him to be in bed. But
Speaker 4: I don't ever see him becoming that.
Speaker 1: Interesting. And Okay, I want to ask you something and
Speaker 1: you listen. If it's too sensitive for you, totally understand,
Speaker 1: but uh, you know, listen for guys out there, right,
Speaker 1: because this is probably a lot of guys out there
Speaker 1: who like this is this is like their worst fucking nightmare,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like nothing to do with you.
Speaker 1: It's truly nothing to do with you.
Speaker 4: You're like, no, fucked up a little bit?
Speaker 1: Not I I no, it's not. I don't think it's
Speaker 1: fucked up at all. I want you to know that
Speaker 1: I don't think it's fucked up at all. I think
Speaker 1: it's natural to like, you know, pursue as you desire,
Speaker 1: you know, So I don't think it's fucked up at all.
Speaker 1: But I mean, if you want to break, right, and
Speaker 1: if he knew, it's not like you were cheating on him, right.
Speaker 4: Uh No, I mean like we were on like a
Speaker 4: small break, like the weak break that I told you about,
Speaker 4: Like we weren't really single, but we weren't really together.
Speaker 1: Were the where the perimeters established that it was like
Speaker 1: cool to sleep with other people.
Speaker 4: I'm not sure that didn't really come up in combo.
Speaker 4: Prior before, like a couple of days prior before the festival,
Speaker 4: we had a good talk, and I think he thought
Speaker 4: that we were together when I just needed space.
Speaker 2: He came.
Speaker 4: He just came to drop my Diva cup off because
Speaker 4: I left one thing at his time and I was
Speaker 4: going to go in the water and stuff. So I
Speaker 4: couldn't like end camping for a few days, and I
Speaker 4: would rather have my Diva cup than having to switch
Speaker 4: tampons out. And unfortunately he had my Diva cup, and
Speaker 4: I didn't want to drop thirty dollars just for another
Speaker 4: one that I won't even use. So we I was
Speaker 4: kind of not really forced, but like it was, it
Speaker 4: was forced kinda to have that conversation too soon.
Speaker 1: So but you were on But I guess when you
Speaker 1: went to this festival you were on a break.
Speaker 4: Yes, it kind of. Yeah, I don't know if we
Speaker 4: were like complete completely on a break. After the conversation.
Speaker 1: Let me ask you this, if if during that week
Speaker 1: you found out that he went to a music festival
Speaker 1: and got a hand job. Would you be upset?
Speaker 4: I mean, uh, not to the degree that I usually would,
Speaker 4: because I would have done the same thing.
Speaker 1: But would you have found that to be a violation
Speaker 1: of of of I suppose implied parameters.
Speaker 4: I mean, if we communicated with me honestly, no, because
Speaker 4: communication is number one, and if he's honest with me,
Speaker 4: I wouldn't be upset. I would just I mean I
Speaker 4: would get a little sad and hurt in a way,
Speaker 4: but I would be very thankful that he was honest
Speaker 4: with me, and I was honest I danced with another
Speaker 4: guy if I didn't completely tell him that we went
Speaker 4: to second base or something.
Speaker 1: So what So what was it that you got from
Speaker 1: this like second guy that you weren't getting from your boyfriend.
Speaker 4: Quality time because he wasn't there. I guess he was
Speaker 4: the other guy was there, and he stuck hip by
Speaker 4: me essentially, you know, and we just we're kind of
Speaker 4: won for that. No festival, I mean, there was a
Speaker 4: point where we were separated because I had to go
Speaker 4: to my camp and he had to go to his.
Speaker 4: But we made plans to go meet at the Hammocks
Speaker 4: and then but I told him I'm like, I may
Speaker 4: or may not be able to come because I'm gonna
Speaker 4: be tripping on shrooms and I don't know where I'm
Speaker 4: going to be at that point, I can't. But then
Speaker 4: he the guy found me at a twenty thousand person festival.
Speaker 4: My dude, my festival guy found me at my camp site,
Speaker 4: and I'm like, what the hell? So he's dedicated. I
Speaker 4: don't know, but I don't know. I he just tried.
Speaker 4: I don't the other guy, we had a bunch of
Speaker 4: bumps in the road. The guy been with for seven years. Anyway,
Speaker 4: we had a bunch of bumps and a lot of
Speaker 4: rocks in the road. But like we overcame that. But
Speaker 4: at the end, I was just I just wasn't fulfilled
Speaker 4: and he wasn't attending to me so much in bed
Speaker 4: like the other guy was. Like the other guy made
Speaker 4: sure I finished, while the guy I was with like
Speaker 4: if he finished, he like he was essentially done, you know.
Speaker 4: So I don't know. I feel like that plays a
Speaker 4: part as well as like where I stand about how
Speaker 4: not that he's not the I'm not using the right word,
Speaker 4: but for how he feels fulfilled with me in his life.
Speaker 4: I don't know, I just feel like it's a little
Speaker 4: bit reflection.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, mm hmm. Well, I you know, I don't
Speaker 1: when I said, here's the thing is, I don't think
Speaker 1: it's fucked up too. I mean, I think, yeah, you
Speaker 1: like it. It seems as though like the idea that
Speaker 1: it was fine to see other people was like quasily implied,
Speaker 1: but definitely could have been like communicated more upfront in
Speaker 1: such a way that was you know, made it so
Speaker 1: that both people were like clear about it. And you know,
Speaker 1: I think that sounds like something that could have been
Speaker 1: done better. But I think the the well, the guilt
Speaker 1: of like, uh doing something that you know, you know,
Speaker 1: even even the guilt of like, even though it is
Speaker 1: supposedly or definedly within my bounds because we're on a
Speaker 1: break to be able to do this, like I still
Speaker 1: understand that it uh you know, there is I understand
Speaker 1: like a natural guilt of you know, uh yeah, this
Speaker 1: will probably not be fun for the person that I'm
Speaker 1: leaving behind. But it's also but it's also hard because
Speaker 1: like I think, again, as long as you know, it
Speaker 1: could have been better communicated, right that this is this
Speaker 1: is what you were going off to do. But I
Speaker 1: think it is you know, within your bounds to like
Speaker 1: find what you seek, especially if you feel like you've tried,
Speaker 1: you know, with the person that you were with, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. But it's hard. I mean, these
Speaker 1: are these things. These things aren't easy and and it's
Speaker 1: and even even if you guys were broken up, broken up,
Speaker 1: you know, it's still uh a natural thing to like
Speaker 1: you can't you can't just it's never a clean cut emotionally.
Speaker 1: It's never going to be a clean cut emotionally. And
Speaker 1: that's just I think part of life.
Speaker 4: Yes, it's a part of life for sure. And that's
Speaker 4: another thing. Like I feel like, since we tried so much,
Speaker 4: I just know all the outcomes and I feel like
Speaker 4: that's why I'm not too upset or I'm afraid that
Speaker 4: I'm gonna like get upset later and be like that
Speaker 4: damn my loss, you know. But I mean, I want
Speaker 4: to focus on myself and I honestly get myself lost
Speaker 4: in a relationship. So I feel like my goals will
Speaker 4: be a little bit put on hold because I have
Speaker 4: the loaves chemical over keeping me and wanting to spend time.
Speaker 1: But but now you why that seems to factor into
Speaker 1: the reason as to why you don't feel as bad
Speaker 1: as because yeah, you know, if after seven years, you've
Speaker 1: kind of like, uh, done the whole doctor strange, I've
Speaker 1: calculated several million you know I'm talking about I've calculated
Speaker 1: several million ways in which this could go and there's
Speaker 1: no where it works out.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's that's hard. That's hard. But seven years,
Speaker 1: I mean you met when did you meet the guy?
Speaker 1: When you were you met the sky when you were
Speaker 1: like sixteen?
Speaker 4: Yeah, about I mean seventeen, I mean, yeah, bro, it's
Speaker 4: so weird.
Speaker 1: I was, uh, I was talking to my mom yesterday
Speaker 1: about about my grandparents. My grandparents met when my grandfather
Speaker 1: was twenty nine and my grandma was nineteen, and then
Speaker 1: they were just together for like forty seven years. Like
Speaker 1: that's how it used to be. That's how it used
Speaker 1: to be. Literally, it used to be right that you
Speaker 1: were like you were fucking like sixteen and you just
Speaker 1: get married and then it's like that for fucking forever.
Speaker 1: And I was like, that's fine, that's crazy, Like that
Speaker 1: used to.
Speaker 4: Be yes and so together.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that shit's crazy. But you know, in
Speaker 1: the modern world, No, I don't think. I think it's
Speaker 1: good that you can recognize, Hey, the guy that I
Speaker 1: met when I was sixteen, maybe I'm actually a different
Speaker 1: person now after seven years, and maybe he's a different
Speaker 1: person now after seven years. And life has this natural
Speaker 1: transience to it that brings the natural pain to it.
Speaker 1: But that's it's just a thing that you got to
Speaker 1: kind of, I think, bear through in order to see
Speaker 1: what else could fulfill you. You know, or you could
Speaker 1: or you could just be with the same guy since sixteen.
Speaker 1: A lot of people do that, and you know, they
Speaker 1: live I guess happily ever after in the suburbs, or
Speaker 1: sometimes miserable or sometimes miserably ever after. But doesn't sound
Speaker 1: like that's what you want. It sounds like you want
Speaker 1: to really go on the a life will present you with, like, hey,
Speaker 1: you want to take the motherfucking ride, and you can
Speaker 1: do it. It's hard. It's more painful than just like
Speaker 1: setting up your life at sixteen and being like, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be with this person and do this and live
Speaker 1: here for the next fifty five years. Yeah, but I
Speaker 1: think it's worth it to take the ride as long as, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, you don't feel like you're I feel like
Speaker 1: you're communicating properly and you're not hurting anyone.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah you can't because I feel really guilty
Speaker 4: about that. But I mean, what can you do. I'm
Speaker 4: I just won't do it again, you know, just communicate more.
Speaker 4: But yeah, for sure. And yeah, it just also sucks
Speaker 4: because every time we have a break, It'll be like
Speaker 4: a couple of years we wouldn't see each other, but
Speaker 4: every time I would see him, you would have a
Speaker 4: glow up where he would look cuter, and I'm like, God,
Speaker 4: Dane like all the time, and I don't know, I
Speaker 4: I guess it's a I feel like the relationship. I
Speaker 4: was also maybe a little bit insecure that played a
Speaker 4: bunch that played a part two and I may not
Speaker 4: be ready for a relationship, I realized with him because
Speaker 4: I think we saw places because he was ready. He
Speaker 4: wasn't ready for one, he didn't know how to treat
Speaker 4: a girlfriend. But then we had like all these talks
Speaker 4: and communications and then now I'm realizing that, hey, I
Speaker 4: was ready, but now I'm not because you let me
Speaker 4: down so much. I feel like it's hard to uh
Speaker 4: glow and grow in this environment that hurt me, you know,
Speaker 4: even though at the end it was exactly what I've
Speaker 4: been asking for. But it's like I had to ask
Speaker 4: for too much for too long, and for not the
Speaker 4: bare minimum but just for communication wise, and so I
Speaker 4: feel like we kind of swapped places in that regard.
Speaker 4: But yeah, I know, I'm I'm happy for him, and yeah,
Speaker 4: I'm happy to see like what the world holds me
Speaker 4: because I've been in the same spot for about since
Speaker 4: I met him. I still live with my parents and
Speaker 4: I'm saving up money, but it's I feel like it's
Speaker 4: a little hard. But I also am a student and working,
Speaker 4: and I don't give myself as much credit even though. Yeah,
Speaker 4: but he's out and he has roommates, and he has
Speaker 4: like a good set of friends. He sees like every
Speaker 4: week at least, if not more, But like I see
Speaker 4: my friends like once a month, but that gives me
Speaker 4: more time to work on my own goals. And we
Speaker 4: just have different books and chapters or whatever analogy. We're
Speaker 4: just different lives. And I think I was just a
Speaker 4: little envious because he has the kind of life I want.
Speaker 1: What does what and what way does he have the
Speaker 1: kind of life that you want?
Speaker 4: Well, stability, uh friends for like he sees frequently and
Speaker 4: he has finances in check where I have friends, but
Speaker 4: we don't see each other often too often as compared
Speaker 4: to him. But comparison is a piece of joy. But
Speaker 4: heard that, yeah, and uh yeah, no, I don't really
Speaker 4: have my finances in check as much like I can't.
Speaker 4: Like when we broke up, when we had that little break,
Speaker 4: he got sad and bought himself a twelve thousand dollars
Speaker 4: bike and still has money left over for you know,
Speaker 4: and I can't do that, like even like me spending
Speaker 4: three dollars is like me guessing if I even as
Speaker 4: a need, you know, I'm like in the huge saving mode.
Speaker 1: So well, yeah, it sounds like you're still, uh, you know,
Speaker 1: kind of developing your life.
Speaker 4: Yes, well his life has already been developed and is
Speaker 4: developing more and more. Well, I mean I've been trying to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but here's the thing, right, is like if you're
Speaker 1: gonna trying not to keep uh too deep of tabs
Speaker 1: on this sky, it's not gonna it's not fun. Easier
Speaker 1: easier said than done. And uh I yeah, easier said
Speaker 1: than done. And I mean like I'm I'm I'm pulling
Speaker 1: this out of my ask because all these like it's
Speaker 1: kind of it's an obvious thing, right too. You don't
Speaker 1: want to keep tabs on your X but yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: there's an emotional quote in too. Every every everything that
Speaker 1: seems obvious is of course obvious, but it's the it's
Speaker 1: the emotional quote, and of like, oh, it's so enticing,
Speaker 1: especially now that you could just go on fucking Instagram
Speaker 1: and be like, oh, look at his life. It's going
Speaker 1: so well compared to mine. But you just you just
Speaker 1: really fucking can't afford to spend any time on that. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you got ship to do. Yeah yeah, and you also
Speaker 1: you have a strong timeline to be able to do
Speaker 1: it too.
Speaker 4: Yes, I do. I I feel like I'm having a
Speaker 4: midlife crisis in a way, and but I do have time.
Speaker 4: It's just that I want to be there, but I'm
Speaker 4: working towards it.
Speaker 1: What do you want mid life? What's your midlife crisis?
Speaker 4: Well, I don't know. I just uh again, comparison is
Speaker 4: a sece of joy. Just I I just see people.
Speaker 4: And also I have have older friends too, so I
Speaker 4: just see where they're at and I'm like, oh, I'm
Speaker 4: gonna I want to be where you are, you know,
Speaker 4: just like a cute little house or you know, just stable,
Speaker 4: cute relationship and stuff. But I mean, uh, I want
Speaker 4: to go. I don't want to live here in Kansas
Speaker 4: for all my life. So I don't know. Uh, I
Speaker 4: guess I'm just kind of don't know what my next
Speaker 4: step is after I get my education, well not education,
Speaker 4: just certification ish education. But I don't know. Uh. Just
Speaker 4: I feel like I should have had more money saved
Speaker 4: up by now, and I just wish I was in
Speaker 4: a more stable place. But I don't know. Life will
Speaker 4: take me where it needs to go.
Speaker 1: So what's your name again, Laura? Laura? Well, thanks for sharing. Laura. Uh,
Speaker 1: you know, I think, yeah, I agree with that sentiment.
Speaker 1: I agree with that sentiment. Sounds like you learn a
Speaker 1: lot from this.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yep, I appreciate you calling me. I mean, no,
Speaker 4: I appreciate you picking up. I've been listening to you
Speaker 4: for like five years, since like twenty twenty and so
Speaker 4: it's really nifty to be on this.
Speaker 1: So is there anything else you want to say to
Speaker 1: the people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 4: Love never hurts?
Speaker 1: Always say love never hurts, Like, yes, you had another thing,
Speaker 1: give me a thing?
Speaker 4: I know you said one time you don't like Babs,
Speaker 4: but you gotta try watching this show. Don't bring a computer.
Speaker 4: I fucked my computer up doing this, but like if
Speaker 4: you have, like a iPad or something.
Speaker 1: When did I say I don't When did I say
Speaker 1: I don't like Babs?
Speaker 4: A while ago? I remember, I remember someone said, oh,
Speaker 4: the bath, and you're like, I can't really sit there.
Speaker 1: I think I like sitting down. I like to sit
Speaker 1: down in the shower, but I don't know about a bath.
Speaker 4: Yes, you gotta try bubbles or maybe some absence faults,
Speaker 4: depending like if you're a sore, but and maybe a
Speaker 4: couple of candles. You got to try it life with U,
Speaker 4: with your like comfort movie or something. It's just just
Speaker 4: for like twenty five minutes at least, because Okay, it's rejuvenating.
Speaker 1: I'll consider I'll consider a bath next time I need
Speaker 1: to clean myself. Thank you for calling, Laura. You have
Speaker 1: a good rest of the day. Thank you for calling.
Speaker 4: Yeah you too.
Speaker 1: Nice good luck dog?
Speaker 4: Yeah you too.
Speaker 1: That was Laura. Uh. Let's see here. Someone I'm reading
Speaker 1: the chat and said, I disagree. I think a week
Speaker 1: is too soon, even if it were verbally agreed upon,
Speaker 1: I see it as a do what you want, but
Speaker 1: that doesn't come without consequences. I mean, I yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean I think so. I think that makes sense, right,
Speaker 1: is like they had they had the week, but I
Speaker 1: but also it just like when you maybe I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it probably could have been communicated better that
Speaker 1: a break meant that. I think it like it's it's
Speaker 1: it's where I wouldn't necessarily call it like some people
Speaker 1: might disagree or whatever, but it's like, yeah, yeah, it
Speaker 1: could have been. It could have been, it could have
Speaker 1: been communicated better. I think that they were like on
Speaker 1: a on a real ass break where like they couldn't
Speaker 1: uh you know see where like you know, they were
Speaker 1: free to see other people, but you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: isn't the purpose of the break to be like, well,
Speaker 1: how do we feel not being from each other? Like
Speaker 1: what's the result of this? And as painful as it is,
Speaker 1: the result of the break was I want to go,
Speaker 1: you know, live my life at this at this music festival.
Speaker 1: That was the results of the break, which I think
Speaker 1: it's I think it's different if and yeah, it could
Speaker 1: have been communicated better for sure, but uh, I mean yeah,
Speaker 1: And then the person was like, uh, in this chat
Speaker 1: was like that doesn't come with that consequences. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: they're right, right, I mean they found the results of
Speaker 1: the break, and the results of the break went, you know,
Speaker 1: and led to the demise of the relationship. But the
Speaker 1: relationship should have been demised anyway, because it's it was,
Speaker 1: I guess, not fulfilling for the people involved. Anyway. What
Speaker 1: else is it? What else is the chat saying? Uh?
Speaker 1: Lets someone said friends are overrated. I don't think that's true.
Speaker 1: I think friends are the only thing. I think friends
Speaker 1: are the only real thing. All right, Hello, what's up?
Speaker 3: Oh my god?
Speaker 2: Let me let me get off speakerphone for you.
Speaker 1: Do your thing?
Speaker 2: I know the drill? How are you?
Speaker 1: I am?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: How am I? My move fluctuates so deeply? You know what?
Speaker 1: You know that meme? There's a meme I see on Instagram.
Speaker 1: Uh that's like it's not a specific meme, but it's
Speaker 1: a meme genre of the the oscillation between it's all
Speaker 1: over and we're so back, And I just feel like,
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is something mental illness? Sometimes,
Speaker 1: can I say, can I rant for like a second?
Speaker 1: Mental illness is crazy? Because it sometimes feels like a
Speaker 1: very appropriate reaction to consciousness, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: it feels it's sometimes it sometimes feels like like, uh,
Speaker 1: such a deeply appropriate way to exist. And I think
Speaker 1: that every human being, by nature of their own existence,
Speaker 1: has their own like I'm gonna, I'm gonna refer to
Speaker 1: this as a natural born validity to their experience, even
Speaker 1: if their experience is like fucking insane, even if their
Speaker 1: experience is evil like they're like, it has some kind
Speaker 1: of natural born validity just because they're of the fucking universe,
Speaker 1: you know, not val you know what I mean? Like
Speaker 1: this is maybe to uh whatever, I'm getting off track,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I've been oscillating between everything between it's all over,
Speaker 1: we got this, we're done, and hey, we're actually as
Speaker 1: we're back, you know. And as I get older and
Speaker 1: I experience that oscillation over and over again, I it's
Speaker 1: like when in the times where it's all over, I'm like, wait,
Speaker 1: I've been here before. I know that it's not forever.
Speaker 1: But then I fuck, I know that too when uh,
Speaker 1: things are feel okay, and so I don't know if
Speaker 1: that's noise. I don't know if that's how everyone feels.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I like do I don't know if
Speaker 1: it's the normal. The more I learn about the world,
Speaker 1: the more I don't know if anything is normal. But
Speaker 1: the is it normal? Is it more normal to just
Speaker 1: are you supposed to feel the same way for a week?
Speaker 1: Is that? Is that what you're supposed to do? You
Speaker 1: feel the same the course of a week, because I'll
Speaker 1: wake up being like, we can't do this, and then
Speaker 1: I'll at some point, like at three pm, I'll be like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I forgot that I'm incredible in life
Speaker 1: is amazing. Seven pm, I'm hungry, And then ten pm
Speaker 1: I'm like, all right, we'll try again tomorrow. What are
Speaker 1: your days?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What do you do? Who are you?
Speaker 2: I mean, I think, okay, I can I have a
Speaker 2: few points to what everything you just said and you're
Speaker 2: just yeah. I think in terms of like mental illness
Speaker 2: being a valid response to just like human existence. Like
Speaker 2: I'm I'm in academia, right, I finished grad school and
Speaker 2: now I'm at a university. And for one of my classes,
Speaker 2: I had to take a class on evolution, right, and
Speaker 2: so human beings are pretty incredible, Like we've evolved from
Speaker 2: like microscopic organisms all the way to what we are now.
Speaker 2: What I've learned is like as amazing as we are.
Speaker 2: It's like that one meme. It's like sometimes maybe good,
Speaker 2: sometimes maybe shit, you know. And so like we've evolved
Speaker 2: to the point where we survive, it's not supposed to
Speaker 2: be like we're optimal. So it's not that we're going
Speaker 2: to be in this perfect mental state where our minds
Speaker 2: can sort of just protect ourselves from the world and
Speaker 2: everything we go through, like depression and anxiety and all
Speaker 2: these disorders that occur are going to happen just because
Speaker 2: like that's not going to stop us from surviving, you know,
Speaker 2: like it's gonna suck. Just like how if you sprain
Speaker 2: an ankle or tear a ligament or something, it's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: now you can't run or walk the way you used to,
Speaker 2: but like ten thousand years ago, you'd still probably be
Speaker 2: able to hopple your way and hunter and gather, you know.
Speaker 2: So I think like just the way our minds react
Speaker 2: to the world, especially now in today's age, where we're
Speaker 2: just constantly taking an information Like forty years ago and
Speaker 2: probably even like twenty twenty five years ago, you can
Speaker 2: kind of just shut yourself off from the world and
Speaker 2: just live in your own space and be your own
Speaker 2: person now that it's like you said, the fluctuations, right,
Speaker 2: It's like you can wake up in the morning and
Speaker 2: be like, oh, today's Today's a great day, you know,
Speaker 2: and then by like within an hour or two, you've
Speaker 2: read something, or you've you've seen something, or you've done something,
Speaker 2: and now you just feel the complete opposite and you're like,
Speaker 2: you know, maybe this day's kind of kind of scrapped.
Speaker 2: I mean, I've had one thing that I kind of
Speaker 2: grappled with was and I don't know if this is
Speaker 2: the case for everyone. Is I think we all have
Speaker 2: these sort of nostalgic views of like childhood right where
Speaker 2: you know, things were so easy. You wake up, you
Speaker 2: go to school, you hang out your friends, you're just
Speaker 2: kind of happy and just like chill down. And I know,
Speaker 2: I'm sure some people had very difficult childhoods and very
Speaker 2: opposite views. The one thing I kind of realized was like,
Speaker 2: I don't think that our default gear is happy. I
Speaker 2: think it's just kind of existing, you know, like we
Speaker 2: just exist on the day to day. And I think
Speaker 2: for a long time I was like, oh, I'm not
Speaker 2: like super happy every day, Like is there something wrong?
Speaker 2: With me. But I was like, oh, maybe happy is
Speaker 2: not supposed to be where we're at a default. Maybe
Speaker 2: that's a point we get to and experience all these
Speaker 2: other emotions along the way, and then the next day
Speaker 2: you feel like trash.
Speaker 1: Yes, but yeah, and I'm I'm coming to the conclat
Speaker 1: And I've thought about this since I was like a
Speaker 1: little boy too. Is that that's not only okay, but
Speaker 1: it's like good. I'd rather I'd rather have it like that.
Speaker 1: I'd rather I like if dude, when I'm like a
Speaker 1: fuck man. I remember the last time I took MDMA,
Speaker 1: Like I really, I took like a real dose of
Speaker 1: m d m A. It was like three years ago
Speaker 1: or something, and I just remember being like, I want
Speaker 1: just I just remember like I was just in the
Speaker 1: on the on the bathroom floor just being like, uh,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna take it, you know, I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: take all of it. And I'm grateful for all of it,
Speaker 1: even the horrible things, even the really and it's you
Speaker 1: can't be grateful for the horrible things when you're in them,
Speaker 1: when you when you're in those emotions, now, when you're
Speaker 1: in those emotions, you can't be grateful for them. But
Speaker 1: what but in a moment when they're when you have
Speaker 1: a little bit of clarity, I yeah, I can get
Speaker 1: myself to be like, let me, I just want all
Speaker 1: of it, every every truly despondent, awful feeling and circumstance
Speaker 1: and whatever. I'm grateful to have had it because it's
Speaker 1: part of uh the world. I'm trying to. I think
Speaker 1: that's what I how I want to kind of start up, Uh,
Speaker 1: viewing my emotions is like just I just want to
Speaker 1: take them all, even the fucking uh painful ones. Uh
Speaker 1: it sucks. You don't want to, you know, you don't
Speaker 1: want to, but yeah, I just I'll just take it all,
Speaker 1: just accepted this except and that's I think that's a
Speaker 1: lot of cope too. You don't want to just you know,
Speaker 1: I think I oscillate between like acceptance and resistance.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: And that's that's like the yin yang of my life
Speaker 1: because you want a little bit of resistance, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. This is I I've talked about. There's
Speaker 1: so much on this fucking show and in my life,
Speaker 1: but I I it's important to talk about. Is like
Speaker 1: the whole concept of like you're enough, you know we've talked.
Speaker 1: I've talked about this on here before, and I think
Speaker 1: there's I think there's a good I think you're enough,
Speaker 1: is it. I take it with a grain of salt.
Speaker 1: I take it as a yin yang thing. You know,
Speaker 1: there's like the white I don't. I don't. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna sit here and pretend like I fully understand the
Speaker 1: history of the symbol of the yin yang, but I
Speaker 1: think I got an idea of it, uh, and that
Speaker 1: I look at be your you know, accepting yourself being yourself.
Speaker 1: You are enough as a very yin yang thing because
Speaker 1: you want to accept yourself as you are, but you
Speaker 1: don't want to. I don't. Sometimes I've eased too much.
Speaker 1: I've gotten fucked. I fucked myself because I've got I've
Speaker 1: gotten too accepting of myself in such a way that
Speaker 1: where I slip and I'm and I don't want to
Speaker 1: do anything hard anymore because I've accepted things as they
Speaker 1: are and it's easy and it's it takes me away
Speaker 1: from doing anything hard, and I don't like that. But
Speaker 1: I also don't like being fucking stressed out all the time.
Speaker 1: And uh, you know, wanting to be like kill myself,
Speaker 1: so you gotta you use That's why it's a yin yang.
Speaker 1: It's not an all at once thing. I don't like
Speaker 1: when people say to you're enough because I don't like
Speaker 1: when people say you're enough because it comes with there's
Speaker 1: a big fucking asterisk above it. Not for everyone, not
Speaker 1: for everyone. Everyone's wired differently. I mean I I just
Speaker 1: have these like you know what, I have my own
Speaker 1: like ambitions and wiring and feelings and whatnot, and so
Speaker 1: I don't I don't think. I don't think any piece
Speaker 1: of advice or any popular anything is truly applicable to everyone.
Speaker 1: Like I saw, uh, I saw a guy wearing a
Speaker 1: shirt that said the world is better with you in it,
Speaker 1: and I was like, dude, fuck you what it like?
Speaker 1: What go? You know what if you walk by a
Speaker 1: big pedophile? You know like I hate that, it's all.
Speaker 1: I don't like anything where it's like we apply this
Speaker 1: to everything, you know, everything is this is put a
Speaker 1: put a big ask, put a big asterisk on it. All.
Speaker 1: I don't know unless if that guy, unless if that
Speaker 1: guy is like a truly, unless if the person wearing
Speaker 1: that shirt is like a truly maybe they are, maybe
Speaker 1: they maybe the person wearing that shirt is like a
Speaker 1: truly they have. This is truly radical, radical acceptance ideology
Speaker 1: of like I truly one hundred percent but with this
Speaker 1: is not the I think the popular world that we
Speaker 1: live in, but like this radical ideology, like I truly
Speaker 1: one hundred percent believe that everyone is valid, everything is valid.
Speaker 1: We're all, you know, beautiful and amazing.
Speaker 2: I mean there is I know, you're the therapy, get go.
Speaker 2: But there is a like a theory or law in psychology.
Speaker 2: It's called optimal arousal theory. I think it's has another
Speaker 2: name like You're Yerks Dodson or something, whoever came up
Speaker 2: with it, which basically says like humans want to seek
Speaker 2: this like optimal level of arousal because if you're too
Speaker 2: aroused and not like necessarily sexually but just like mentally aroused,
Speaker 2: and you're just gonna be really anxious and you're gonna
Speaker 2: be stressed and you're it's gonna just impact your performance.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: But then if you're not aroused enough, you're gonna just
Speaker 2: be bored, if you're just gonna sit around and not
Speaker 2: be motivated to do anything. I think it's this constant
Speaker 2: balancing act of like trying to find that optimal arousal
Speaker 2: where you you know, you see it with people when
Speaker 2: they're doing their job, you see it when they're studying,
Speaker 2: you see it in sports. There's like the zone where
Speaker 2: you kind of just lock in and you can focus.
Speaker 2: And getting to that point difficult, but once you get
Speaker 2: to it, it just makes things so much easier. But
Speaker 2: in terms of like just us all existing, I don't know,
Speaker 2: I also like kind of grapple with like what would
Speaker 2: happen if if we just none of us existed? You know,
Speaker 2: there's global warming, there's war, there's all these things going on,
Speaker 2: and sometimes like, oh my god, what what is going
Speaker 2: to happen to us as a as a species? You know,
Speaker 2: are we are we? Is? It? Is it over? Are we?
Speaker 2: Are we gone? But other times I'm kind of just like,
Speaker 2: you know what, like we weren't here millions of years ago,
Speaker 2: We probably won't be here in millions of years. So
Speaker 2: it's just kind of like take I kind of I'm
Speaker 2: just trying to take each day at a time, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. And in terms of like what
Speaker 2: you were saying earlier, the highs and lows, those are
Speaker 2: being in the lows as well as the highs and
Speaker 2: kind of being grateful for what I've learned over the
Speaker 2: last few years. And funny enough, I was I was
Speaker 2: gonna talk to you about it, but you just had
Speaker 2: someone talk about an X or a relationship, so.
Speaker 1: We can we can, you can talk about it.
Speaker 2: But I was just in a relationship that was really like,
Speaker 2: it was very unhealthy. It was very like the highs
Speaker 2: are very high and the lows were very low. And
Speaker 2: I think what I've been struggling with was is just
Speaker 2: the fact that I like, to me, it really meant something,
Speaker 2: and to the other person, I don't. I think I
Speaker 2: was just like a warm body and so like it
Speaker 2: lasted a year, like a year, year and a half,
Speaker 2: and I don't know just in I I ended it
Speaker 2: over a year ago because I was like, I can't
Speaker 2: do this anymore, because again, it was just highs and lows,
Speaker 2: There was no stability.
Speaker 1: What was the what what was toxic about it?
Speaker 2: Oh man, let me try to do this in a
Speaker 2: concise way, because I don't want to give you a
Speaker 2: thirty minutes speel. Okay, I would say I would say
Speaker 2: the most toxic things about it were One toxic thing
Speaker 2: was was just like apologizing, right, because it's I've been
Speaker 2: kind of lucky to have really great family, great friends.
Speaker 2: At some point, you're you're going to get into a
Speaker 2: fight over something, whether it's big or it's small, silly,
Speaker 2: whatever the case may be. And I've been really lucky,
Speaker 2: like my family, Right, Once every year or two, we'll
Speaker 2: get into some big fight over something super dumb, and
Speaker 2: we'll yell and we'll scream, and we'll some curse words.
Speaker 2: We'll be thrown out, and at the end of it,
Speaker 2: after like an hour or two, we're like, that was dumb.
Speaker 2: Why why the hell did we.
Speaker 1: Just do that?
Speaker 2: And welogize, And like when I apologize, it's like I
Speaker 2: try to understand what I did, why they pacted that person,
Speaker 2: and then I apologize, and then I I make sure
Speaker 2: not to do it again. I think that's what you
Speaker 2: have to take accountability, because if you just say sorry,
Speaker 2: it doesn't really mean too much.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: Whereas the girl I was dating, you know, she whenever
Speaker 2: she apologized she had she didn't have parents who are
Speaker 2: in a great relationship. Like one thing she used to say,
Speaker 2: She's like, yeah, I tell my parents to get divorced
Speaker 2: all the time. I was like well, okay, that's probably
Speaker 2: not healthy. And she had gotten out of an unhealthy
Speaker 2: relationship herself. I think it had ended up being like
Speaker 2: physical at the end, so she left that relationship. But
Speaker 2: whenever she you know, said something her full or did
Speaker 2: something hurtful, she would I would call her out and
Speaker 2: be like, hey, like you you know, you said this
Speaker 2: thing or you did this thing, and it impacted me.
Speaker 2: And especially once it became like a pattern, like once
Speaker 2: or twice, I'll like one off, I can kind of
Speaker 2: like go, you have to pick and choose your battles.
Speaker 2: But with her, it once it became a pattern, and
Speaker 2: then I would bring it up to her and just
Speaker 2: be like, hey, like this happened, and she would she
Speaker 2: would do like one of three things right like she
Speaker 2: would she would like deflect to her like past relationship
Speaker 2: or her parents should be like, yeah, I apologize, But
Speaker 2: the reason this happened is I have a lot to learn.
Speaker 2: I have a lot to learn about relationships, or I
Speaker 2: have a lot to unlearn about relationships from my parents
Speaker 2: and things. I'm like, okay, that's fair, But once it
Speaker 2: happens a few times, I'm like, like, I understand those
Speaker 2: aspects were not great but like, I'm I'm not a
Speaker 2: lesson for you. I'm a I'm a human being with feelings,
Speaker 2: you know. Or she would she would just blame it
Speaker 2: on something else. She would say something like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know the reason I said something mean was I
Speaker 2: was talking to someone on the phone before we started
Speaker 2: talking and they upset me, so I was just primed
Speaker 2: to get upset at you or something like that. Or
Speaker 2: she would just blame it on miscommunication, and I was like,
Speaker 2: I feel like we communicated pretty clearly about that, but
Speaker 2: it just felt like she would apologize and then kind
Speaker 2: of walk back the apology and just blame on something else.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you this. So, so, when this
Speaker 1: girl would hurt your feelings to do something like what
Speaker 1: if what would you have wanted her to do in
Speaker 1: these apologies and then navigating these mistakes better? What would
Speaker 1: you what would what would have been felt more acceptable
Speaker 1: to you? Like?
Speaker 2: Literally for me, I mean, it's two things. It's one
Speaker 2: is a genuine apology, and then the second thing is
Speaker 2: is you know, taking steps to make sure you don't
Speaker 2: do it again in the future, because if you will
Speaker 2: apologize but you don't mean it, you're just saying it.
Speaker 2: For the sake of saying it. It's not a real apology.
Speaker 2: And if you if you apologize without action, then it
Speaker 2: also doesn't really mean too much. And one strange thing
Speaker 2: about hers I kind of saw that like how she
Speaker 2: apologized and how she reacted to things also dependent on
Speaker 2: like who was around her. So I remember one time,
Speaker 2: like she and I would this is when we first
Speaker 2: start off dating. She and I would make plans to
Speaker 2: like do something right, and she did this really strange
Speaker 2: thing where like, let's say you and I were like, oh,
Speaker 2: like let's hang out at eight o'clock on Thursday, right,
Speaker 2: So she would hit me up at eight o'clock on
Speaker 2: Thursday and she'd be like, yeah, I can't really, I
Speaker 2: can't really do this, sorry, and then just go right.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like if you invited someone to a
Speaker 2: party and they showed up to your your door when
Speaker 2: the party started and was like, yeah, I can't come
Speaker 2: to your party, and then just left. It was really
Speaker 2: it was really bizarre, and so it happened a few times,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, look, I am, we're making plans. I'm
Speaker 2: showing up to the plans. You're not showing up to
Speaker 2: the planes. I feel like my time's kind of being disrespected,
Speaker 2: you know. And when that happened, she was like next
Speaker 2: to her sister right because I text her about it,
Speaker 2: and her sister kind of called her out, was like, yeah,
Speaker 2: why are you doing that? That's not cool, And so
Speaker 2: she like apologized to like, I'm so sorry. I didn't
Speaker 2: realize I was doing that. She deferred back to the
Speaker 2: past relationship. My my ex used to do this. She
Speaker 2: used to disrespect my time, so I don't know why
Speaker 2: I'm doing it to you kind of thing. But other times,
Speaker 2: when I would bring things up that I thought were valid,
Speaker 2: if she was with her brother, you know, he would try.
Speaker 2: He was a nice guy. He would like try to
Speaker 2: see things from my angle. If she was with like,
Speaker 2: you know, a certain friend. She was the kind of
Speaker 2: friend who would who would kind of always take her
Speaker 2: her friend's side. You know, she's not going to see
Speaker 2: things unbiased. So anytime I brought something up and she
Speaker 2: happened to be with that friend, then suddenly everything is
Speaker 2: like gotten ten times worse. She would kind of just
Speaker 2: turn everything around on me. You know. It's like if
Speaker 2: I said, hey, you know, you've been like showing up
Speaker 2: late to things, or you just haven't been showing up.
Speaker 2: Then she say, well, you know, actually the real issue
Speaker 2: is like you know, you're not setting these things up
Speaker 2: or with enough time or things like that, and it
Speaker 2: would just sort of all get twisted around on me.
Speaker 2: I don't know. It's just a really strange relationship because
Speaker 2: I start off being friends with her, Like we were
Speaker 2: friends for six months. We were in school together, and
Speaker 2: the person she was as a friend, like she was
Speaker 2: such a funny, kind, intelligent, caring, charismatic, like confident person.
Speaker 2: And that's how like if you ask anyone around her
Speaker 2: or any of her friends or her classmates, that's how
Speaker 2: they would describe her. But then one I we started dating.
Speaker 2: It's there's another like psychological theory. It's called like I
Speaker 2: can't remember the exact name, but basically it's this idea
Speaker 2: that like you have your front stage self and your
Speaker 2: backstage self. Front stage is how you appear to the world,
Speaker 2: and then your backstage is like how you are when
Speaker 2: when the show's over. So when we started dating, like
Speaker 2: her front stage self is this like amazing person, Like
Speaker 2: she and I would literally laugh for hours. You know.
Speaker 2: We used to say we could like watch paint dry
Speaker 2: and have an amazing time. That's all we needed. But
Speaker 2: once we started dating and I saw like the real
Speaker 2: like the real her and the more vulnerable aspects of her,
Speaker 2: it was the opposite of that. Like we couldn't joke
Speaker 2: around anymore because it was like things would get too sensitive.
Speaker 2: We used to like roast each other when we're friends,
Speaker 2: No more doing any of that. We can't, you can't,
Speaker 2: we can't make any mistakes, We can't do anything. And
Speaker 2: she again, the person who she was in front of
Speaker 2: everyone was was all those things, and the person she
Speaker 2: was behind the scenes was just a very unhappy, very
Speaker 2: like I would honestly use the word miserable person, even
Speaker 2: when things are going very very well in her life.
Speaker 2: You know, she was getting the job she wanted, her
Speaker 2: dream job at her dream company, and and she was
Speaker 2: living in the city she wanted to live in, and
Speaker 2: she had all these things going on. And I was
Speaker 2: struggling a bit, you know, after grad school and trying
Speaker 2: to get a job and trying to do all these things.
Speaker 2: But it just felt like a It felt like the
Speaker 2: person I fell for and the person I dated were
Speaker 2: two completely different people. And she would also kind of
Speaker 2: do this thing where like when I when I say something,
Speaker 2: I need it. She wanted to live on the East Coast.
Speaker 2: I wanted to live on the West coast right, But
Speaker 2: like for me, it was it was always like, oh,
Speaker 2: like we had gotten close enough to the point and
Speaker 2: I was at least I was serious enough that we
Speaker 2: had talked about things like, you know, potentially getting married,
Speaker 2: you know, family things like that, so like really meant
Speaker 2: something to me. So she would say things like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, like you know, later down the line, maybe
Speaker 2: we can move to the West Coast. I know you
Speaker 2: want to move to the West Coast and things like that,
Speaker 2: or just like making these sort of like empty promises
Speaker 2: that kind of to me it felt like her being like,
Speaker 2: look at how good of a partner I am. I'm
Speaker 2: like saying, I do these things for you even though
Speaker 2: she's not going to do it. Like she got her
Speaker 2: dream job, like I said, on the East coast, and
Speaker 2: she got a job interview at a company on the
Speaker 2: West coast right, which is also a really good company.
Speaker 2: And she she called me and she's like, yeah, like
Speaker 2: I got an interview at this this job on the
Speaker 2: West coast, And I was like, she's like, should I
Speaker 2: do the interview, and I was like, wait, why are you, Like,
Speaker 2: is there a reason you want to take this interview?
Speaker 2: And she's like, oh, well, you know I could be
Speaker 2: closer to you, silly, you know, I'm such a huge
Speaker 2: symp for you. And I knew, like in my mind,
Speaker 2: I was like, there's no chance in hell she's giving
Speaker 2: up her dream job for this. I know this for
Speaker 2: a fact. She's already accepted the other job, Like it's
Speaker 2: not even possible for her to take this other job.
Speaker 2: But she was just kind of saying that, And that's
Speaker 2: kind of when I noticed that that like pattern of
Speaker 2: her saying she would do things just like as an
Speaker 2: empty gesture, whereas like, my dumb ass I would have
Speaker 2: probably given up my dream job and on the West
Speaker 2: Coast to be closer to her and to be with her.
Speaker 2: And that was just kind of like a pattern throughout
Speaker 2: her relationship and just like anytime things were happening, just
Speaker 2: shifting the focus to her. And so I don't know,
Speaker 2: I don't know if that makes sense. That was a
Speaker 2: very long answer.
Speaker 1: No, that that that makes a lot of sense. That
Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense. M hmm.
Speaker 2: I guess the big issue is, like I ended the
Speaker 2: relationship there, there was some I think the one thing
Speaker 2: that like kind of broke me in terms of like
Speaker 2: whenever she'd say to do her full things, I could
Speaker 2: kind of let it go because I'm not someone who
Speaker 2: like holds onto things, whereas she like if I said
Speaker 2: or did something her full. You know, the first time,
Speaker 2: she was upsetting me for like a week, and then
Speaker 2: the second time she was upset at me for a month,
Speaker 2: and the third time she was upsett in me for
Speaker 2: like over a month, and she was like just very
Speaker 2: cold and distant and attached. And I think the one
Speaker 2: thing that broke me was I was like applying to
Speaker 2: jobs and and things were just not going well, and
Speaker 2: I was just like really down. But I was trying
Speaker 2: to support her because she needed a lot of emotional support,
Speaker 2: you know, like every day she was venting about her
Speaker 2: school or her upcoming job, or her family or finances
Speaker 2: or something. So we talk every day, and like I'd say,
Speaker 2: if we talk for like two hours an hour, that
Speaker 2: was just her venting, and so I kind of just
Speaker 2: had to play you know. I I definitely didn't do
Speaker 2: as good a job. I kind of played your role
Speaker 2: like every day for a year or so, and one
Speaker 2: day I just went to her and I was just like, man,
Speaker 2: I've just been feeling like really down, Like I don't
Speaker 2: know if I should go see a therapist or what,
Speaker 2: because she saw a therapist and she had dealt with
Speaker 2: depression before, and I was like, I've just never had
Speaker 2: this feeling. I've just felt so down, and I feel
Speaker 2: like I've been working so hard at these goals and
Speaker 2: they're just not coming into fruition and I'll never forget.
Speaker 2: She like looked me in the eyes, like with this
Speaker 2: cold stare, and she's like, I know you're going through
Speaker 2: a live but I wish you would think about how
Speaker 2: it impacts me. And I was like, whoa, Okay, so yeah,
Speaker 2: that kind of broke the camel's back. Yeah, and there's
Speaker 2: a million other things, but it's just hard because again,
Speaker 2: all that was so real for me, and like, I
Speaker 2: feel like I fell in love with the person, like
Speaker 2: with the masked version of her that she showed to
Speaker 2: the world, and then once we started dating, I got
Speaker 2: the opposite of that. But I was like, oh, I
Speaker 2: love this person, I care about this person. I want
Speaker 2: them to do well. So I kind of just stuck around.
Speaker 2: And so now like My brain is just kind of
Speaker 2: like trying to detach those two people, because part of
Speaker 2: me is like, that person's still there, and like, you know,
Speaker 2: what if you made a mistake, what if you should
Speaker 2: have stayed, what if you shouldn't have broken up with her?
Speaker 2: You know, you had such good times. And the other
Speaker 2: part of me is like, dude, you you got out,
Speaker 2: like leave run, never never think about it again. Just
Speaker 2: you're out.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Hm, it's that cognitive distance.
Speaker 1: Yes, uh, yes, yes, I know, I know what you man. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this fucking shit's hard. Are you dating anyone new? Now?
Speaker 2: I dated someone else, and she was a like, really
Speaker 2: amazing person. She was such a such a nice girl.
Speaker 2: We were just two very different people, and I'm glad
Speaker 2: I got to date her, and I'm glad I met her,
Speaker 2: which with my other ex I not quite the same feeling.
Speaker 2: But I just remember feeling like secure in that relationship,
Speaker 2: whereas with my ex, I felt like I kind of
Speaker 2: I was always walking on eggshells. If I say or
Speaker 2: do something wrong, She's just gonna break up with me,
Speaker 2: because she would she would say, like, especially towards the beginning,
Speaker 2: she'd be like, if I said something wrong, she'd be
Speaker 2: like my last relationship was a lot of work, and
Speaker 2: I don't want a lot of work, and it was
Speaker 2: it just like kind of felt.
Speaker 1: Like you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, I'm glad. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm glad you're beyond that. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the new the the last girl I dated, though,
Speaker 2: Like I remember one time I said something that upset
Speaker 2: her and she was upset and I apologize and then
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, like I it felt like a
Speaker 2: trauma response. You know, like when you're a kid and
Speaker 2: your parent, you know, if you do something, if you
Speaker 2: break when you feel like your parent's gonna hit you
Speaker 2: or something like that. Right, So I've said her and
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god, what is she gonna do?
Speaker 2: And she's like she's like, Zach, like, I'm not gonna
Speaker 2: yell at you. I'm not gonna be super upset with you.
Speaker 2: You you messed up, and you apologize and now just
Speaker 2: make sure you don't do it again. And I was like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, this is what like a healthy relation looks,
Speaker 2: relationship looks like.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: It was just so weird not being scared all the time,
Speaker 2: you know, And I feel like my brain, part of
Speaker 2: my brains is still kind of scared of this person
Speaker 2: and also like just kind of sad and upset that,
Speaker 2: like a, I was in that relationship for so long,
Speaker 2: not maybe not that long relative to some people, but
Speaker 2: like I was in that relationship and I let myself
Speaker 2: be treated like be treated that way. And on the
Speaker 2: other hand, it also like really hurts that someone I
Speaker 2: genuinely like loved and cared about and would have done
Speaker 2: anything for treated me that way. So you know, you live,
Speaker 2: you live, and you learn. And now I've learned. I'm
Speaker 2: still learning what a healthy relationship looks like and trying
Speaker 2: to because there I made plenty of mistakes in that
Speaker 2: relationship as well, and things I wish I could change
Speaker 2: or take back. But then you just try to become
Speaker 2: a better, better version of yourself and a better you know,
Speaker 2: person for your partner or And I know that sounds
Speaker 2: super cliche, but it's like you can't just like be
Speaker 2: the same person your whole life. You know, it's gonna
Speaker 2: be kind of boring.
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course. Hmmm, what is your name again, man Zach? Zach?
Speaker 1: Thanks for sharing all of this stuff. Uh, yeah, I
Speaker 1: I you know, it's making me think very deeply. I
Speaker 1: don't know if I have a lot of feedback on
Speaker 1: it right now, but it's made me think very deeply,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad you shared it because I think it'll
Speaker 1: definitely gives a lot of context and a lot of
Speaker 1: perspective to people who are listening and thinking about, you know,
Speaker 1: their own past relationships or current relationships and whatnot. And
Speaker 1: it's definitely, I think going to be a relatable thing
Speaker 1: for people.
Speaker 2: Absolutely. I mean, thanks for listening. I think the one
Speaker 2: thing I'll say to like anyone to the people listening
Speaker 2: is and I know this is going to sound silly,
Speaker 2: and I know it's very difficult to do, but if
Speaker 2: you're in a relationship that you think is not healthy,
Speaker 2: take a step back and look at it. If you're
Speaker 2: like friend was in it, if your sibling was in
Speaker 2: it when their partner was doing the things to them
Speaker 2: that your partner is doing to you. And I know
Speaker 2: it's very hard to be like, these are not healthy,
Speaker 2: these are not right, But like, the first step is recognizing,
Speaker 2: and then once you recognize, then you can take steps past.
Speaker 2: I had to either try to fix a relationship or
Speaker 2: get out of it and preserve yourself because where at
Speaker 2: the end of the day, you know we have ourselves
Speaker 2: and uh we have to be kind to ourselves and
Speaker 2: kind to each other. So thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Man, is there anything else you want to say to
Speaker 1: the people of the computer before we go, Zach?
Speaker 2: Now, maybe just free Palestine shout out my boy. Uh
Speaker 2: so on premiere, eat your vegetables. Uh, don't take talent
Speaker 2: all apparently now because now that causes autism. It doesn't.
Speaker 2: Don't believe them. But thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Hey, take care, Zach, Thank.
Speaker 2: You all right.
Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, good morning, Good morning to whom am I speaking?
Speaker 1: This is Angie, Angie Angie. We talked. When did we talk?
Speaker 1: We talked recently, right.
Speaker 4: Which Thursday, I believe.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I was in New York at the time.
Speaker 1: Oh beautiful. Okay, So how did the rest of your
Speaker 1: New York trip go?
Speaker 3: It was so good. It was very exhausting, just because
Speaker 3: like the hours are so long, like being on site
Speaker 3: from nine to ten am to about midnight, so it's long.
Speaker 3: But New York can never sleep, so we so like
Speaker 3: went out. I went into Times Square and that was fun,
Speaker 3: and my dumb ass was walking around with a white
Speaker 3: claw and I got a citation.
Speaker 1: So you got you got a public drinking citation.
Speaker 3: I did sons like, there's no fucking way I never had.
Speaker 1: That never happens.
Speaker 3: That's so fucking I was like, I've passed by so
Speaker 3: many people drinking. Why am I the only one getting it?
Speaker 3: And so I was like, are you serious? And then
Speaker 3: even my friend next to me was clearly drinking a
Speaker 3: beer and the cop was like, are you is that beer?
Speaker 3: My friend takes like ten seconds to anti and said no,
Speaker 3: and then so the cop goes back to me. I'm like, seriously,
Speaker 3: and he just continues to write this long ass paragraph
Speaker 3: on this citation, and then I said, you're taking so long.
Speaker 3: So I just finished my white Claw when he's giving
Speaker 3: me my citation because I sent money on it. How
Speaker 3: much was it?
Speaker 1: How much was the citation for?
Speaker 2: It?
Speaker 3: Was honestly so dumb because I was like, I'm clearly
Speaker 3: from Arizona. This is my first time ever in New York,
Speaker 3: so I you know, like, I can't. I'm not going
Speaker 3: to come back for whatever. And he said, I just
Speaker 3: have to scan the barcode and pay like twenty five dollars.
Speaker 3: I'm like, that's annoying. It was just too Yeah, it
Speaker 3: was very annoying. Yeah, and I worked at the whole
Speaker 3: music event and it was fun and I went just
Speaker 3: I pretty much stayed up all night on Sunday night,
Speaker 3: and then I slept for about an hour and I
Speaker 3: got out at seven thirty to take the subway to
Speaker 3: Right Central Park And that was really fun.
Speaker 1: Did you I know when we talked, you were talking
Speaker 1: about overcoming like social anxiety. Do you feel like you
Speaker 1: were able to do that successfully?
Speaker 3: I think I put myself out there. Yes, I purposely
Speaker 3: like went out with people who were new to me,
Speaker 3: which I wouldn't really be you know normally do we're
Speaker 3: comfortably do? So, you know, I, mitri put myself out
Speaker 3: there and went out with people that were new to me,
Speaker 3: and I got to like meet new people in the
Speaker 3: industry and introduce myself and talked to them and really
Speaker 3: just ask questions and hang out and you know, really
Speaker 3: just getting to know them a bit more and just
Speaker 3: doing my best at talking. And then this whole weekend
Speaker 3: I've and then well it's just been today and I'm
Speaker 3: like overthinking like did I say the okay things?
Speaker 4: What did I do wrong?
Speaker 3: What could I have done better? And I'm just like
Speaker 3: I'm just keep trying myself well it's over, so there's
Speaker 3: literally nothing I can do about it now. But I
Speaker 3: believe I did put myself out there a lot more
Speaker 3: than I thought I would, and I feel like I'm
Speaker 3: I'm proud of myself and just you know, striking up conversations,
Speaker 3: keeping conversations going, or asking questions and just like you know,
Speaker 3: walking around and introducing myself to oops, to new people
Speaker 3: and you know, directors and whatnot. So I'm pretty proud
Speaker 3: of myself for that.
Speaker 1: Pretty good, Pretty good.
Speaker 3: But I just hope I said words that were made
Speaker 3: sense and not fucking awkward and dumb.
Speaker 1: Because, like I said, last time we talked, even if
Speaker 1: you did, it didn't it didn't even fun. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter matter honestly, even the way we talked on Thursday.
Speaker 1: I think the day after we talked, I went to
Speaker 1: some thing and I had some social interaction where I
Speaker 1: was like, wow, I just said a bunch of really
Speaker 1: stupid things. That was bad. I walked home. I felt
Speaker 1: really bad, and then I thought about you. I really
Speaker 1: I thought about you. Actually is I've forget this is
Speaker 1: all coming back to me. Yeah, I thought about you
Speaker 1: because I was like I just yesterday I told someone
Speaker 1: that it's fine. And so I'm like, all right, well
Speaker 1: i'll just take that advice. I'll just you know, I'll
Speaker 1: just I'll just be crazy.
Speaker 3: Who cares, you know, yeah exactly, anyway, be crazy together.
Speaker 3: So well, overall, a good trip and I'm really proud
Speaker 3: of myself. And I was like, had so much just
Speaker 3: nervousness leading up to it and just kind of like
Speaker 3: being with coworkers for five days and I was like, well,
Speaker 3: what do we talk about? What do we talk about?
Speaker 3: Or you know, But honestly, it was super fun and
Speaker 3: my roommate was fun as well. And the last thing
Speaker 3: I wanted to do was the Central Park and I
Speaker 3: did that and I thought that would be scary because
Speaker 3: I did that by myself as well. And I walked
Speaker 3: in a pretty little bit of a sketchy neighborhood, but
Speaker 3: I waited until the sun came up, so but I
Speaker 3: was in Long Island City and then Astoria I walked
Speaker 3: through and just pick the subway to the Central Park
Speaker 3: and that was really fun. And did not get a
Speaker 3: citation there, so that's good.
Speaker 1: I'm glad that you had a good time. I appreciate
Speaker 1: the update. This was good And yeah, like I said,
Speaker 1: that call affected me too, so I'm glad we could
Speaker 1: have this symbiotic experience with one another. Anything is anything
Speaker 1: else you want to say to the people of the
Speaker 1: computer before we go.
Speaker 3: Angie, absolutely not have a beautiful week. I love you all.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Angie, thank you for thank you for.
Speaker 3: Of course.
Speaker 1: That was Angie. That was Angie. And this has been
Speaker 1: the Therapy Gecko podcast. Thanks for listening. Lots of things
Speaker 1: to say and think and do in the world. Oh man,
Speaker 1: this costume smells like shit. I gotta I really gotta
Speaker 1: wash it at some point, I really gotta wash this suit.
Speaker 1: It smells really really awful. Anything else? Do I have
Speaker 1: any other closing thoughts? Nothing that's that important to say.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go on a whole rant about Fresca again.
Speaker 1: There's a few half empty water bottles on my thing.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Well, I guess if you're listening to this
Speaker 1: on Wednesday, I'm gonna put this video on Spotify because
Speaker 1: I put these videos on Spotify now. But I just
Speaker 1: made a little mini mini interview documentary Gecko video thing
Speaker 1: at the Gathering of the Juggalos that's out this morning,
Speaker 1: so you should go on my YouTube channel YouTube dot
Speaker 1: com slash lyle forever and check that out. But other
Speaker 1: than that, I don't have anything else to say. I'm
Speaker 1: leaving on Saturday to go on a to go record
Speaker 1: another video. This will be an interesting one. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: keep it under wraps where I'm going, but I think
Speaker 1: it'll I think you'll want to watch this one that
Speaker 1: I probably won't. That video will be out in like
Speaker 1: a month, but I think this will be one of
Speaker 1: one of the more ambitious Gecko videos I have made
Speaker 1: over my stint doing this, so I'm excited about that.
Speaker 1: But anyway, thank you guys for listening. Gak bless uh.
Speaker 1: See you again on Sunday's episode. Appreciate you, folks. Bye bye,