WEBVTT - “I WAS IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP” 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:08.000 Hello, Hey, Hey, what's up? Oh my god, this is 0:00:08.080 --> 0:00:09.840 while Yes, who is this? 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:11.440 Ah? 0:00:11.600 --> 0:00:14.640 This is Laura, Laura. What's up Laura? Have we ever 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:15.480 spoken before? 0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:16.720 No? 0:00:16.840 --> 0:00:21.479 We have not beautiful beautiful, So what's up, Laura? How's life? 0:00:23.360 --> 0:00:28.920 Life is Okay? I just broke up with a guy 0:00:28.920 --> 0:00:31.560 I've been kind of on and off with for about 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:35.360 seven years. We dated in high school and then we 0:00:35.479 --> 0:00:37.680 kind of distance and. 0:00:39.200 --> 0:00:39.600 We met. 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:43.559 We found each other on Tinder, and so we swiped 0:00:44.000 --> 0:00:46.800 and we hung out for a minute, and then we 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:49.120 kind of distanced again, and then we ran into each 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:55.680 other on campus and go back in love. And I 0:00:55.920 --> 0:00:59.000 ended thing because I didn't want to waste time because 0:00:59.040 --> 0:01:06.440 I don't think much. So actually, I don't know what's 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:09.560 really weird. Usually I am like heartbroken, but I feel normal. 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:13.320 You're usually heartbroken when. 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:20.440 It's off, Yeah, usually like when I end things and stuff. 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:23.720 But I don't know. I just I'm riding the wave. 0:01:23.800 --> 0:01:30.319 I'm a little confused, but you know, I'm just living. 0:01:31.040 --> 0:01:34.800 You normally feel heartbroken when it's off, specifically with this 0:01:34.880 --> 0:01:39.520 guy that you've been on love with so many times. 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:43.440 Yeah, and also like in general when I have a connection. 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:52.720 But yeah, but it kind of sucks because you know, 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:55.600 he was a stable guy. I see him being like 0:01:55.640 --> 0:01:58.600 a husband and like a father. But I'm twenty three 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:01.560 right now and I'm not really looking for something stable, 0:02:01.720 --> 0:02:06.360 like I'm trying to. I'm trying to move out of 0:02:06.400 --> 0:02:09.280 the state I'm living in and try I want to 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:14.360 get a bartending experience. I'm also like a audio engineer too, 0:02:14.520 --> 0:02:16.560 so I want to try to get a job after 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:21.280 I get my shirt certification at like a cruise ship 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:25.800 or something. I've heard someone from your podcast say that 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:28.160 they worked on a cruise ship and it sounds so fun. 0:02:28.240 --> 0:02:32.960 So, uh, why do you think you feel differently this 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:34.040 time than you normally do. 0:02:37.720 --> 0:02:38.240 I don't know. 0:02:38.440 --> 0:02:44.200 I I guess I'm trusting in the universe that everything's 0:02:45.280 --> 0:02:49.200 going to what it needs to be. I don't know, 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:54.800 it's I'm confused to I'm also going through other stuff, 0:02:54.800 --> 0:02:57.320 but I'm not trying to go too deep, so there's 0:02:57.360 --> 0:03:00.640 like other worries on my mind. But I don't know. 0:03:00.680 --> 0:03:06.919 It's really weird to me that I'm I feel afloat 0:03:07.280 --> 0:03:09.040 and like I do have my moments where I do 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:14.120 get like sad and like deeply like oppressed a little bit. 0:03:14.200 --> 0:03:22.680 I don't know for things ending, but this time, I 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:26.000 just I don't know. I maybe I think might I 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:28.400 know that we're probably gonna see each other again, and 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:33.640 we left on good terms, so we're still friends, but 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:39.120 we don't talk. But I don't know. 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:39.840 Uh. 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:44.680 It's really weird because these I'm I'm usually a very 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:47.720 emotional person, so it's very off for me. 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:52.560 Hm uh, well, I mean it could it be because 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:57.800 you just feel a stronger sense of direction for the 0:03:57.840 --> 0:03:59.920 future that you're like, oh, I don't even need this. 0:04:02.200 --> 0:04:07.760 Possibly. I was watching someone on YouTube about like their perspective. 0:04:07.800 --> 0:04:11.200 They were reading like Reddit stories falling out of love stories, 0:04:11.480 --> 0:04:16.760 and they mentioned saying, well, if my boyfriend wanted to 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:21.960 go move and like pursue their career or like something 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:25.080 like that, and they had to leave me behind, that's 0:04:25.120 --> 0:04:29.039 a no, I would end it. And I'm like, well, 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:37.080 personally for me, I I don't know. I wouldn't. I 0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:42.160 don't feel like that should. It's all different for everyone 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:45.280 for relationships, but for me personally, I don't think I 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:49.400 can pursue a relationship that's long distance. I get too 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:57.560 emotional and my number one love language is like quality time. 0:04:57.800 --> 0:05:04.839 So and he also the guy was with or used 0:05:04.839 --> 0:05:10.880 to be. We only saw each other like once a 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:13.640 week because we didn't live too far. But we're both 0:05:13.680 --> 0:05:18.480 students and we both have full time jobs. But he 0:05:18.520 --> 0:05:21.680 worked with his best friends every day in the same office, 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:23.640 and then he would hang out with them afterwards because 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:27.880 they all have the same schedule. And then I would 0:05:27.880 --> 0:05:32.280 feel a little bit like I'm not a priority because 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:38.039 he would go out with his friends and he wouldn't 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:43.080 like really communicate really well. But we had like a 0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:46.400 little argument and a small break like a week or 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:48.919 something where we just needed distance from each other. But 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:52.839 then we came back and we both talked and we 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:55.800 try to meet with each other, and honestly, it was 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:59.839 really well, and the relationship was like perfect. He's exactly 0:06:00.040 --> 0:06:03.840 what I needed and a boyfriend. But for some reason 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:09.960 I just wasn't fulfilled, I guess with him, which sucks 0:06:09.960 --> 0:06:12.400 because he was a very stable person and he had 0:06:12.400 --> 0:06:15.240 a very high paying job and all this and that, 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:17.840 like he was husband material. 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:21.640 But why didn't you feel why didn't you feel fulfilled 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:23.200 with him? Do you think? 0:06:25.680 --> 0:06:29.800 Well, to be honest, not like it was the whole thing, 0:06:29.880 --> 0:06:34.919 but a big part of it was he was a 0:06:34.920 --> 0:06:36.520 little vanilla in bed. 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:38.240 Really. 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:44.440 Uh yeah. I was open with him and I'm like, 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:48.120 I'm down to do and try anything. And he did 0:06:48.160 --> 0:06:50.000 his best, but I could tell that he was not 0:06:50.160 --> 0:06:56.840 comfortable trying things or like but they. 0:06:56.839 --> 0:07:00.520 Was just I mean, can I ask, like, what were 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:02.360 you asking him to like tie you up and shit 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:04.040 like that? I mean, what were you trying to get 0:07:04.080 --> 0:07:04.480 him to do? 0:07:06.360 --> 0:07:07.280 I don't know. 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:09.560 I just told him to be a little bit more sonamant, 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:13.160 just to start small. I also bought a sex game 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:17.200 to get his toes in the water with stuff. But 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:21.640 and that helped a little bit. But we wouldn't play 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:24.680 the game too often because it would just come up 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:26.800 in the mood, you know, like it would have to 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:28.880 be a special night like that it would be like 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:30.760 a date night that I would bring it out. But 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:33.080 most of the time it wasn't a date night. We 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:33.960 would just hang it out. 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:37.880 So the game thing is interesting. The game thing is 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:41.440 interesting because it's like, uh, I feel the same way 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:45.120 about bringing out a board game, uh for sex that 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:48.440 I do with bringing out a board game. Uh, in 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:52.960 any social interaction, which is like we were having a nice, normal, 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:57.400 natural time and now you want to put fucking all 0:07:57.400 --> 0:08:01.360 these rules and things. It's just real. It's like when 0:08:01.360 --> 0:08:03.120 you're at a party and someone brings out like cards 0:08:03.160 --> 0:08:05.640 against humanity and you're like, I don't want to fucking 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:05.960 do this. 0:08:06.520 --> 0:08:06.760 You know. 0:08:06.920 --> 0:08:09.640 The sex version of that sounds like doubly as awful. 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:15.520 I mean, it wasn't bad, but it was actually kind 0:08:15.520 --> 0:08:19.320 of fun. And the game would be a drinking and 0:08:19.440 --> 0:08:21.760 sex game, so like if you didn't want to do something, 0:08:21.760 --> 0:08:29.160 you would drink. Ah, but we don't really drink that often. 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:32.400 I mean I might have had issues with alcohol in 0:08:32.400 --> 0:08:35.920 the past, but like I'm trying to my buddy's first now, 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:40.000 and alcohol makes you inflamed and stuff like that, and 0:08:40.240 --> 0:08:42.280 like it's not good for your skin, so I'm trying 0:08:42.280 --> 0:08:44.800 to hold back. It's a little hard, but I mean, 0:08:44.920 --> 0:08:48.360 like because every day sounds fun to be a little buzzed, 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:50.599 but I have priorities. 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:53.560 So he was just like, I mean, you were on 0:08:53.640 --> 0:08:55.440 and off with this guy for seven years. Was he 0:08:56.720 --> 0:09:00.360 like not sexually fulfilling for you for the whole time? 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:08.240 Yeah? I mean no, uh. When we were younger, especially, 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:12.880 like I like, it was really fun and exciting, but then, like, 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:17.880 to be honest, during our break I went to a 0:09:18.160 --> 0:09:26.320 music festival and I found a guy there and we 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:29.520 did a couple of hand stuff. But he was exactly 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:32.880 what I was asking him to be in bed. But 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:35.000 I don't ever see him becoming that. 0:09:36.679 --> 0:09:39.920 Interesting. And Okay, I want to ask you something and 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:43.000 you listen. If it's too sensitive for you, totally understand, 0:09:43.200 --> 0:09:46.840 but uh, you know, listen for guys out there, right, 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:48.439 because this is probably a lot of guys out there 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:52.120 who like this is this is like their worst fucking nightmare, 0:09:52.520 --> 0:09:55.400 you know what I mean, like nothing to do with you. 0:09:55.600 --> 0:09:57.040 It's truly nothing to do with you. 0:09:57.040 --> 0:09:59.719 You're like, no, fucked up a little bit? 0:10:00.160 --> 0:10:02.440 Not I I no, it's not. I don't think it's 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:04.199 fucked up at all. I want you to know that 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:05.400 I don't think it's fucked up at all. I think 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:09.800 it's natural to like, you know, pursue as you desire, 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:12.319 you know, So I don't think it's fucked up at all. 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:14.440 But I mean, if you want to break, right, and 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:16.560 if he knew, it's not like you were cheating on him, right. 0:10:18.160 --> 0:10:21.920 Uh No, I mean like we were on like a 0:10:22.000 --> 0:10:24.280 small break, like the weak break that I told you about, 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:28.160 Like we weren't really single, but we weren't really together. 0:10:29.200 --> 0:10:34.240 Were the where the perimeters established that it was like 0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:37.160 cool to sleep with other people. 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:43.120 I'm not sure that didn't really come up in combo. 0:10:44.600 --> 0:10:49.080 Prior before, like a couple of days prior before the festival, 0:10:49.120 --> 0:10:51.480 we had a good talk, and I think he thought 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:55.040 that we were together when I just needed space. 0:10:55.160 --> 0:10:55.880 He came. 0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:58.920 He just came to drop my Diva cup off because 0:10:58.920 --> 0:11:01.000 I left one thing at his time and I was 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:03.640 going to go in the water and stuff. So I 0:11:03.640 --> 0:11:06.400 couldn't like end camping for a few days, and I 0:11:06.400 --> 0:11:09.959 would rather have my Diva cup than having to switch 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:12.800 tampons out. And unfortunately he had my Diva cup, and 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:15.480 I didn't want to drop thirty dollars just for another 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:19.280 one that I won't even use. So we I was 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:23.760 kind of not really forced, but like it was, it 0:11:23.920 --> 0:11:27.760 was forced kinda to have that conversation too soon. 0:11:28.280 --> 0:11:31.679 So but you were on But I guess when you 0:11:31.720 --> 0:11:33.319 went to this festival you were on a break. 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:39.640 Yes, it kind of. Yeah, I don't know if we 0:11:39.640 --> 0:11:44.160 were like complete completely on a break. After the conversation. 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:47.120 Let me ask you this, if if during that week 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:50.040 you found out that he went to a music festival 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:52.600 and got a hand job. Would you be upset? 0:11:56.280 --> 0:12:03.240 I mean, uh, not to the degree that I usually would, 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:05.960 because I would have done the same thing. 0:12:06.559 --> 0:12:09.840 But would you have found that to be a violation 0:12:11.320 --> 0:12:18.040 of of of I suppose implied parameters. 0:12:19.600 --> 0:12:22.680 I mean, if we communicated with me honestly, no, because 0:12:22.679 --> 0:12:25.240 communication is number one, and if he's honest with me, 0:12:26.200 --> 0:12:28.839 I wouldn't be upset. I would just I mean I 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:31.920 would get a little sad and hurt in a way, 0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:36.640 but I would be very thankful that he was honest 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:41.040 with me, and I was honest I danced with another 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:45.040 guy if I didn't completely tell him that we went 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:46.280 to second base or something. 0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:50.320 So what So what was it that you got from 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:57.319 this like second guy that you weren't getting from your boyfriend. 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:06.320 Quality time because he wasn't there. I guess he was 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:10.280 the other guy was there, and he stuck hip by 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:17.920 me essentially, you know, and we just we're kind of 0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:25.640 won for that. No festival, I mean, there was a 0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:28.160 point where we were separated because I had to go 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:29.560 to my camp and he had to go to his. 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:33.720 But we made plans to go meet at the Hammocks 0:13:34.160 --> 0:13:36.480 and then but I told him I'm like, I may 0:13:36.559 --> 0:13:38.760 or may not be able to come because I'm gonna 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:40.640 be tripping on shrooms and I don't know where I'm 0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:45.720 going to be at that point, I can't. But then 0:13:45.880 --> 0:13:49.400 he the guy found me at a twenty thousand person festival. 0:13:51.200 --> 0:13:54.560 My dude, my festival guy found me at my camp site, 0:13:54.679 --> 0:13:59.599 and I'm like, what the hell? So he's dedicated. I 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:05.160 don't know, but I don't know. I he just tried. 0:14:05.320 --> 0:14:09.080 I don't the other guy, we had a bunch of 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:13.720 bumps in the road. The guy been with for seven years. Anyway, 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:17.719 we had a bunch of bumps and a lot of 0:14:17.760 --> 0:14:20.200 rocks in the road. But like we overcame that. But 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:24.680 at the end, I was just I just wasn't fulfilled 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:29.560 and he wasn't attending to me so much in bed 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:35.080 like the other guy was. Like the other guy made 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:39.240 sure I finished, while the guy I was with like 0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:44.400 if he finished, he like he was essentially done, you know. 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:49.680 So I don't know. I feel like that plays a 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:55.680 part as well as like where I stand about how 0:14:57.000 --> 0:15:00.200 not that he's not the I'm not using the right word, 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:05.840 but for how he feels fulfilled with me in his life. 0:15:06.200 --> 0:15:08.920 I don't know, I just feel like it's a little 0:15:08.920 --> 0:15:09.600 bit reflection. 0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:15.760 Mm hmmm, mm hmm. Well, I you know, I don't 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:17.840 when I said, here's the thing is, I don't think 0:15:17.880 --> 0:15:21.880 it's fucked up too. I mean, I think, yeah, you 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:27.080 like it. It seems as though like the idea that 0:15:27.240 --> 0:15:33.200 it was fine to see other people was like quasily implied, 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:37.720 but definitely could have been like communicated more upfront in 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:42.640 such a way that was you know, made it so 0:15:42.680 --> 0:15:46.600 that both people were like clear about it. And you know, 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:48.920 I think that sounds like something that could have been 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:55.040 done better. But I think the the well, the guilt 0:15:55.080 --> 0:16:03.160 of like, uh doing something that you know, you know, 0:16:03.200 --> 0:16:05.720 even even the guilt of like, even though it is 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:11.880 supposedly or definedly within my bounds because we're on a 0:16:11.880 --> 0:16:15.520 break to be able to do this, like I still 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:18.040 understand that it uh you know, there is I understand 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:26.440 like a natural guilt of you know, uh yeah, this 0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:31.880 will probably not be fun for the person that I'm 0:16:31.960 --> 0:16:34.720 leaving behind. But it's also but it's also hard because 0:16:34.920 --> 0:16:38.520 like I think, again, as long as you know, it 0:16:38.520 --> 0:16:43.080 could have been better communicated, right that this is this 0:16:43.120 --> 0:16:45.080 is what you were going off to do. But I 0:16:45.360 --> 0:16:50.720 think it is you know, within your bounds to like 0:16:51.360 --> 0:16:54.880 find what you seek, especially if you feel like you've tried, 0:16:55.920 --> 0:17:01.000 you know, with the person that you were with, you 0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:04.120 know what I mean. But it's hard. I mean, these 0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:08.400 are these things. These things aren't easy and and it's 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:11.000 and even even if you guys were broken up, broken up, 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:19.520 you know, it's still uh a natural thing to like 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:23.920 you can't you can't just it's never a clean cut emotionally. 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:26.560 It's never going to be a clean cut emotionally. And 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:32.239 that's just I think part of life. 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:40.040 Yes, it's a part of life for sure. And that's 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:43.800 another thing. Like I feel like, since we tried so much, 0:17:44.240 --> 0:17:46.639 I just know all the outcomes and I feel like 0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:53.960 that's why I'm not too upset or I'm afraid that 0:17:54.119 --> 0:17:57.600 I'm gonna like get upset later and be like that 0:17:57.800 --> 0:18:06.040 damn my loss, you know. But I mean, I want 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:08.920 to focus on myself and I honestly get myself lost 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:14.520 in a relationship. So I feel like my goals will 0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:16.480 be a little bit put on hold because I have 0:18:18.880 --> 0:18:22.840 the loaves chemical over keeping me and wanting to spend time. 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:28.760 But but now you why that seems to factor into 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:31.000 the reason as to why you don't feel as bad 0:18:31.080 --> 0:18:33.560 as because yeah, you know, if after seven years, you've 0:18:34.200 --> 0:18:38.000 kind of like, uh, done the whole doctor strange, I've 0:18:38.119 --> 0:18:43.680 calculated several million you know I'm talking about I've calculated 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:46.720 several million ways in which this could go and there's 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:48.400 no where it works out. 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:49.360 Yeah. 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:53.400 Yeah, yeah, it's that's hard. That's hard. But seven years, 0:18:53.400 --> 0:18:54.880 I mean you met when did you meet the guy? 0:18:54.880 --> 0:18:56.199 When you were you met the sky when you were 0:18:56.240 --> 0:18:56.960 like sixteen? 0:18:58.880 --> 0:19:04.160 Yeah, about I mean seventeen, I mean, yeah, bro, it's 0:19:04.200 --> 0:19:04.679 so weird. 0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:08.320 I was, uh, I was talking to my mom yesterday 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:15.000 about about my grandparents. My grandparents met when my grandfather 0:19:15.160 --> 0:19:18.920 was twenty nine and my grandma was nineteen, and then 0:19:18.960 --> 0:19:22.840 they were just together for like forty seven years. Like 0:19:22.880 --> 0:19:25.360 that's how it used to be. That's how it used 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:28.199 to be. Literally, it used to be right that you 0:19:28.240 --> 0:19:32.480 were like you were fucking like sixteen and you just 0:19:32.520 --> 0:19:37.320 get married and then it's like that for fucking forever. 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:41.359 And I was like, that's fine, that's crazy, Like that 0:19:41.480 --> 0:19:41.760 used to. 0:19:41.760 --> 0:19:46.680 Be yes and so together. 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:51.960 Yeah, I mean that shit's crazy. But you know, in 0:19:52.480 --> 0:19:54.600 the modern world, No, I don't think. I think it's 0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:58.280 good that you can recognize, Hey, the guy that I 0:19:58.280 --> 0:20:01.880 met when I was sixteen, maybe I'm actually a different 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:05.080 person now after seven years, and maybe he's a different 0:20:05.080 --> 0:20:10.440 person now after seven years. And life has this natural 0:20:12.359 --> 0:20:15.920 transience to it that brings the natural pain to it. 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:21.560 But that's it's just a thing that you got to 0:20:21.720 --> 0:20:25.960 kind of, I think, bear through in order to see 0:20:26.000 --> 0:20:30.560 what else could fulfill you. You know, or you could 0:20:30.680 --> 0:20:33.800 or you could just be with the same guy since sixteen. 0:20:33.880 --> 0:20:37.280 A lot of people do that, and you know, they 0:20:37.320 --> 0:20:40.199 live I guess happily ever after in the suburbs, or 0:20:40.240 --> 0:20:44.680 sometimes miserable or sometimes miserably ever after. But doesn't sound 0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:46.359 like that's what you want. It sounds like you want 0:20:46.359 --> 0:20:52.040 to really go on the a life will present you with, like, hey, 0:20:52.119 --> 0:20:58.120 you want to take the motherfucking ride, and you can 0:20:58.160 --> 0:21:03.119 do it. It's hard. It's more painful than just like 0:21:04.640 --> 0:21:06.840 setting up your life at sixteen and being like, I'm 0:21:06.840 --> 0:21:09.160 gonna be with this person and do this and live 0:21:09.200 --> 0:21:14.919 here for the next fifty five years. Yeah, but I 0:21:14.920 --> 0:21:18.679 think it's worth it to take the ride as long as, uh, 0:21:18.880 --> 0:21:21.040 you know, you don't feel like you're I feel like 0:21:21.080 --> 0:21:23.439 you're communicating properly and you're not hurting anyone. 0:21:24.840 --> 0:21:31.240 Yeah, yeah, yeah you can't because I feel really guilty 0:21:31.280 --> 0:21:34.440 about that. But I mean, what can you do. I'm 0:21:34.560 --> 0:21:38.280 I just won't do it again, you know, just communicate more. 0:21:39.280 --> 0:21:47.479 But yeah, for sure. And yeah, it just also sucks 0:21:47.520 --> 0:21:49.840 because every time we have a break, It'll be like 0:21:49.880 --> 0:21:54.000 a couple of years we wouldn't see each other, but 0:21:56.680 --> 0:21:58.240 every time I would see him, you would have a 0:21:58.240 --> 0:22:01.200 glow up where he would look cuter, and I'm like, God, 0:22:01.640 --> 0:22:08.600 Dane like all the time, and I don't know, I 0:22:08.600 --> 0:22:12.879 I guess it's a I feel like the relationship. I 0:22:12.960 --> 0:22:15.119 was also maybe a little bit insecure that played a 0:22:15.160 --> 0:22:20.119 bunch that played a part two and I may not 0:22:20.200 --> 0:22:23.919 be ready for a relationship, I realized with him because 0:22:23.960 --> 0:22:28.000 I think we saw places because he was ready. He 0:22:28.200 --> 0:22:29.960 wasn't ready for one, he didn't know how to treat 0:22:29.960 --> 0:22:32.520 a girlfriend. But then we had like all these talks 0:22:32.560 --> 0:22:36.720 and communications and then now I'm realizing that, hey, I 0:22:36.880 --> 0:22:39.320 was ready, but now I'm not because you let me 0:22:39.359 --> 0:22:43.600 down so much. I feel like it's hard to uh 0:22:44.440 --> 0:22:49.159 glow and grow in this environment that hurt me, you know, 0:22:51.280 --> 0:22:54.159 even though at the end it was exactly what I've 0:22:54.200 --> 0:22:56.120 been asking for. But it's like I had to ask 0:22:56.160 --> 0:23:00.919 for too much for too long, and for not the 0:23:00.920 --> 0:23:06.240 bare minimum but just for communication wise, and so I 0:23:06.320 --> 0:23:10.960 feel like we kind of swapped places in that regard. 0:23:12.080 --> 0:23:16.439 But yeah, I know, I'm I'm happy for him, and yeah, 0:23:16.560 --> 0:23:19.720 I'm happy to see like what the world holds me 0:23:19.840 --> 0:23:22.919 because I've been in the same spot for about since 0:23:23.040 --> 0:23:26.040 I met him. I still live with my parents and 0:23:26.840 --> 0:23:30.040 I'm saving up money, but it's I feel like it's 0:23:30.040 --> 0:23:33.879 a little hard. But I also am a student and working, 0:23:33.920 --> 0:23:39.000 and I don't give myself as much credit even though. Yeah, 0:23:39.320 --> 0:23:43.119 but he's out and he has roommates, and he has 0:23:43.160 --> 0:23:45.399 like a good set of friends. He sees like every 0:23:45.520 --> 0:23:49.560 week at least, if not more, But like I see 0:23:49.600 --> 0:23:52.359 my friends like once a month, but that gives me 0:23:52.400 --> 0:23:55.639 more time to work on my own goals. And we 0:23:55.760 --> 0:24:02.680 just have different books and chapters or whatever analogy. We're 0:24:02.720 --> 0:24:04.920 just different lives. And I think I was just a 0:24:04.920 --> 0:24:07.560 little envious because he has the kind of life I want. 0:24:08.760 --> 0:24:11.119 What does what and what way does he have the 0:24:11.200 --> 0:24:12.120 kind of life that you want? 0:24:13.800 --> 0:24:24.720 Well, stability, uh friends for like he sees frequently and 0:24:26.440 --> 0:24:33.280 he has finances in check where I have friends, but 0:24:33.320 --> 0:24:36.719 we don't see each other often too often as compared 0:24:36.760 --> 0:24:40.720 to him. But comparison is a piece of joy. But 0:24:42.000 --> 0:24:49.040 heard that, yeah, and uh yeah, no, I don't really 0:24:49.119 --> 0:24:51.600 have my finances in check as much like I can't. 0:24:52.119 --> 0:24:54.480 Like when we broke up, when we had that little break, 0:24:54.520 --> 0:24:57.680 he got sad and bought himself a twelve thousand dollars 0:24:57.720 --> 0:25:00.600 bike and still has money left over for you know, 0:25:00.960 --> 0:25:04.919 and I can't do that, like even like me spending 0:25:04.920 --> 0:25:08.119 three dollars is like me guessing if I even as 0:25:08.200 --> 0:25:10.800 a need, you know, I'm like in the huge saving mode. 0:25:11.520 --> 0:25:14.000 So well, yeah, it sounds like you're still, uh, you know, 0:25:14.080 --> 0:25:16.120 kind of developing your life. 0:25:16.359 --> 0:25:19.760 Yes, well his life has already been developed and is 0:25:19.800 --> 0:25:24.119 developing more and more. Well, I mean I've been trying to. 0:25:24.200 --> 0:25:26.400 Yeah, but here's the thing, right, is like if you're 0:25:26.440 --> 0:25:33.600 gonna trying not to keep uh too deep of tabs 0:25:34.400 --> 0:25:39.640 on this sky, it's not gonna it's not fun. Easier 0:25:39.920 --> 0:25:44.120 easier said than done. And uh I yeah, easier said 0:25:44.160 --> 0:25:47.960 than done. And I mean like I'm I'm I'm pulling 0:25:47.960 --> 0:25:50.280 this out of my ask because all these like it's 0:25:50.359 --> 0:25:52.880 kind of it's an obvious thing, right too. You don't 0:25:52.880 --> 0:25:55.360 want to keep tabs on your X but yeah, yeah, 0:25:55.359 --> 0:25:58.960 there's an emotional quote in too. Every every everything that 0:25:59.040 --> 0:26:01.880 seems obvious is of course obvious, but it's the it's 0:26:01.880 --> 0:26:04.240 the emotional quote, and of like, oh, it's so enticing, 0:26:04.320 --> 0:26:07.159 especially now that you could just go on fucking Instagram 0:26:07.200 --> 0:26:09.440 and be like, oh, look at his life. It's going 0:26:09.480 --> 0:26:11.840 so well compared to mine. But you just you just 0:26:11.880 --> 0:26:21.600 really fucking can't afford to spend any time on that. Yeah, yeah, 0:26:21.640 --> 0:26:26.280 you got ship to do. Yeah yeah, and you also 0:26:26.440 --> 0:26:28.679 you have a strong timeline to be able to do 0:26:28.720 --> 0:26:29.280 it too. 0:26:30.040 --> 0:26:33.399