1 00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:05,279 Speaker 1: Real talk. If you want to be great at anything 2 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: in life, you cannot carry everybody with you, dead ass. 3 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,640 Speaker 1: And as you continue to ascend, it's okay that motherluckers 4 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:24,960 Speaker 1: can't come with you. Don't feel bad about that. Hey, 5 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us 6 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,920 Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each 7 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make 8 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important 9 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,839 Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this 10 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, 11 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about. Do the 12 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is the 13 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say 14 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:59,920 Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, 15 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow 16 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 1: talk to a whole new level. Dead ad starts right now. 17 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:14,840 Speaker 1: This is a two part story. Time Okay, takes me 18 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:20,840 Speaker 1: back to two thousand and nine. Just got cut, Recession happens, 19 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 1: moves back to brooklyn Um. I have a plethora of bills, 20 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:31,040 Speaker 1: bills that are not just mine, bills that are mine, yours, 21 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:36,680 Speaker 1: family members, friends, and I get cut from the NFL, 22 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:41,400 Speaker 1: and a large contingent of these people who I've been 23 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,759 Speaker 1: helping since I had made it to the NFL are 24 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:51,600 Speaker 1: nowhere to be found ghosts. And it's not because they 25 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: didn't care. They didn't know how to help me in 26 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 1: that moment. And for a lot of people, you don't 27 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 1: know how to help someone, you disappear. Fast forward to today. 28 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,080 Speaker 1: This is part of the story. Time. I'm in a 29 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: better situation than I was in the NFL, and I'm 30 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:16,519 Speaker 1: not carrying everybody's bills. That's great. And here's a crazy part. 31 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,640 Speaker 1: You could help somebody a thousand times the first time 32 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:26,800 Speaker 1: you say no, it's as if you never said yes. Karaoke. 33 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 1: It's dedicated to the people who who were there when 34 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,240 Speaker 1: I had nothing and when I was trying to grow. 35 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:47,359 Speaker 1: I never could have made it without you. I would 36 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 1: have lost it all never never, never, never never never 37 00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:04,920 Speaker 1: never puld have made it that never puld have made 38 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 1: But we're tired you whatever happened to that. I love that. 39 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:13,880 Speaker 1: People need to bring that back. And I was like, 40 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 1: what a year old? Now every first morning, that's that's 41 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,519 Speaker 1: at least three years old. I think the first person 42 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 1: I ever heard do it was all, what's the DJ 43 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: that we rock with it? D nice? No, not D 44 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:27,440 Speaker 1: nice lights can do from Brooklyn. You know who I'm 45 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 1: talking about, Hodie big Reef. Big Reef. I think he 46 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 1: was the first person. I'm pretty sure was the first person. 47 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,280 Speaker 1: He was the first person to make that read. He 48 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,880 Speaker 1: did that shout out to big read. You're doing well, 49 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 1: big ups, big up. So we're gonna take a quick 50 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: break to pay some bills and we'll come back and 51 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:59,200 Speaker 1: we'll elaborate on storytime. Sounds good, and we're back. I remember, 52 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,920 Speaker 1: Vivid lee h when we were in the apartment, like 53 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:09,080 Speaker 1: you said, back from the NFL stint, recouping from the wedding, 54 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:14,480 Speaker 1: all that pregnant had Jackson. Just some of the days 55 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,080 Speaker 1: when I could see in your eyes and see on 56 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: your face such such conflict. And the conflict that I 57 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:29,440 Speaker 1: saw was you bearing the brunt of all of these 58 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:33,119 Speaker 1: financial responsibilities that you had that we're easier to carry, 59 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,520 Speaker 1: of course when you were in the NFL, but now 60 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,800 Speaker 1: we were back to square one with nothing um, so 61 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:43,040 Speaker 1: you were trying to bear that then also the sadness 62 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,039 Speaker 1: that you had in your eyes because you weren't in 63 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 1: a position to help the people that you wanted to 64 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:54,520 Speaker 1: help so desperately. Um, the anger behind losing all of 65 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 1: the money that you lost in all of the resources 66 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 1: trying to do the right things along the way, and 67 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 1: then the disappointment when you had no one to lean 68 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,560 Speaker 1: on to help you out of it. And I think 69 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,520 Speaker 1: that's what made it easier for me in that moment, 70 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:14,400 Speaker 1: as your wife now, to say, I need to do 71 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,240 Speaker 1: whatever it is possible to make sure that we can 72 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 1: stay afloat, because I did not want you to feel 73 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,240 Speaker 1: like less than because you weren't able to sustain the 74 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 1: bills or take care of the family the way you 75 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,240 Speaker 1: wanted to. And it was one of those things that 76 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 1: I felt like didn't necessarily have to be spoken at 77 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:35,599 Speaker 1: the time, But I was angry and not at you. 78 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 1: I was angry for you because where were the people 79 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,800 Speaker 1: that were at the games and wanted tickets and all 80 00:05:43,839 --> 00:05:49,800 Speaker 1: that when you were now at your worst and in 81 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:53,039 Speaker 1: their defense, you may not have divulged that to a 82 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 1: lot of people either, just for for shape, for for 83 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,160 Speaker 1: feeling may be ashamed of the situation and stuff. Um, 84 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: So they may not have seen that or felt that 85 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,159 Speaker 1: because you kind of kept it cool the entire time. 86 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,680 Speaker 1: But I kind of felt like where was the thought 87 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,040 Speaker 1: Because you're always so thoughtful about people and anticipating people's 88 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,480 Speaker 1: needs that I felt like no one was necessarily considering 89 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: how you might have felt in that moment, being released, 90 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: retiring now to start from scratch, just having had, you know, 91 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,600 Speaker 1: a wedding and a baby and all that stuff on 92 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: the way. I think nobody foresaw that you might have 93 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,839 Speaker 1: needed that assistance, And for me, being you know, Mama 94 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,880 Speaker 1: Beayer and being wife who wants to protect you, wanted 95 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,919 Speaker 1: to kind of put this guard up moving forward and 96 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,840 Speaker 1: was like, listen, ship, maybe down now, but when things 97 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 1: can ascend in the future, I'm gonna be very careful 98 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: about who's around, and I'm going to be very mindful 99 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,920 Speaker 1: of who's coming back and people who surface from the 100 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:48,120 Speaker 1: woodworks and stuff like that. All of a sudden, when 101 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: things are on the up and up again, and then 102 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,000 Speaker 1: you're that's that that person is always a person that's 103 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:57,440 Speaker 1: called the bitch. When the wife decides that people are 104 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,840 Speaker 1: not going to take advantage of my husband anymore, that 105 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,200 Speaker 1: when people start to feel like who she thinks she is, 106 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:07,040 Speaker 1: that's you know, and it's typically a family. And here's 107 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: here's the truth Survivor's remorse, because the title of this 108 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,360 Speaker 1: episode of Survivor's Remorse, I just want to explain what 109 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:17,160 Speaker 1: survivor's remorse is, right, I've noticed in a lot of families, right, 110 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,560 Speaker 1: and survivor's remorse has nothing to do with athletics or 111 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 1: entertainment or or anything. It's it's typically the one who 112 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: is able to ascend from the trajectory that the family 113 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 1: was on and do more. Right. So, for example, I 114 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:35,280 Speaker 1: have college kids who are experiencing survivor's remorse and they 115 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 1: haven't even made any money yet, right, And people don't 116 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,760 Speaker 1: realize if people think survivor's remorse is all about money 117 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 1: or you gotta pay everything, you know. I have kids 118 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,880 Speaker 1: that I've mentored who were the first in their family, 119 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:48,400 Speaker 1: first generation to attend college, first generation to even graduate 120 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: high school. And the minute that they get there, I 121 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:56,520 Speaker 1: watched them feel ashamed that they're no longer in the 122 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 1: same situation as the rest of their peers and their family, 123 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,640 Speaker 1: and almost like a sickness. Right. So it's like you 124 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: you were able to get a scholarship and go off 125 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 1: to college, but Now, when you're in college, you're rushing 126 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 1: back home because you want to be amongst everybody, because 127 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 1: you feel this sense of guilt like why am I 128 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,440 Speaker 1: the only one that was able to make it? Even 129 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,240 Speaker 1: though you haven't made it yet. People start to feel 130 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 1: survivor's remorse when they've ascend past what their family's trajectory 131 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: originally was. And I watched everybody around you just maintain 132 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 1: that same place, and then you do a little bit more. 133 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: Those people typically have that guilt that like why am 134 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,680 Speaker 1: I the only one here? Usual in that celebratory moment too, 135 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:39,440 Speaker 1: it's just like, oh, people will see you go into 136 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: and from school or whatever you like, okay, great, and 137 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,240 Speaker 1: then they see you with your cap and gown. You're graduating, 138 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 1: and this is whopla around whoever graduated? And then it's 139 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,080 Speaker 1: kind of like, oh, so this person is actually going 140 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,839 Speaker 1: to leave this playground for lack of a better word, 141 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,080 Speaker 1: of this area that we're in and now ascend to 142 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:57,839 Speaker 1: something else. Well, where does that come from? Where does 143 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 1: that come from? That? You know, where I think survivors 144 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:04,240 Speaker 1: were morse comes from where people make you feel guilty 145 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: for doing well right. Don't forget the little people you know, 146 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,200 Speaker 1: they say, what's up Hollywood, like that's all of those 147 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:14,800 Speaker 1: things or shade people people think compliment that it's not shade, 148 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,559 Speaker 1: but it's back handed and people say that to people 149 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,679 Speaker 1: who are just like trying to you just we kid 150 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,080 Speaker 1: went to college, kid goes to college? Or what's up Hollywood? 151 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 1: Or you think you better than us? Now I'm trying 152 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:29,160 Speaker 1: to better myself. It has nothing to do with you. 153 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,440 Speaker 1: But yes, I'm trying to better myself, and you're making 154 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,439 Speaker 1: it about you because you might have had the opportunity 155 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 1: to do the same, but if you didn't, and whose 156 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 1: fault is that? And that's where survivors remorse comes from. 157 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,320 Speaker 1: It's the guilt that people put on you because a 158 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,719 Speaker 1: lot of the times these people had may have had 159 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,400 Speaker 1: the same opportunities or may not may not the same opportunities, 160 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,679 Speaker 1: but they see someone doing more, and they most of 161 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 1: the time don't know how to be happy for you 162 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,680 Speaker 1: if they're not happy for themselves, so they kind of 163 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:59,319 Speaker 1: throw that shade or that backhanded compliment, you know, like 164 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 1: like I want to be like you will not grow up. 165 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:05,840 Speaker 1: Stuff like that makes people feel away. Even though you 166 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 1: think it may be a compliment, it's really not you know, 167 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,400 Speaker 1: and having survivor's remorse. There were times when I was 168 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 1: even in college where I felt like damn, like like damn, 169 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 1: a lot of my friends could didn't get into school. 170 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:20,920 Speaker 1: You know why me. You know what I'm saying this, 171 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,679 Speaker 1: as soon as I get something, I'm gonna be I'm 172 00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: gonna share with everybody. Because what you want to do 173 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,960 Speaker 1: now is you're feeling so guilty. You want everyone to 174 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,079 Speaker 1: feel how you feel. So any little bit of thing 175 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,880 Speaker 1: you get, you share with everybody so we can all 176 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: be on the same even playing field. But what servirus 177 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 1: remorse does to the people around you, it is makes 178 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:41,760 Speaker 1: them feel entitled to what you have because you started 179 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,480 Speaker 1: to share everything you have with them, so you can 180 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,319 Speaker 1: all feel on the same playing field. That the bad 181 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: habits I guess that you start now become expected. So 182 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,480 Speaker 1: it's like, as you continue to ascend at every level, 183 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,400 Speaker 1: then you're still bringing all these people along. And then 184 00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:58,520 Speaker 1: you can't be mad at people who then you know, 185 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,800 Speaker 1: piss away opportunity, ease or tend to just not even 186 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 1: try on their own, because why what do they have 187 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: to And that's the point of this podcast. At this 188 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: point of this podcast is not to put blame on 189 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,600 Speaker 1: all the people around you is for you to recognize 190 00:11:13,679 --> 00:11:16,200 Speaker 1: that you created these things around you. That's why I 191 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 1: can't get mad at the people around me or the 192 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:23,000 Speaker 1: people around us, because we created that. With survivor's remorse. 193 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 1: Now the things that how I got survivor's remorse. Who 194 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,840 Speaker 1: started young where you know, I remember it being extremely, 195 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 1: extremely young, right when we used to go We used 196 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 1: to go to Tennessee in the summertimes, and some of 197 00:11:35,679 --> 00:11:37,360 Speaker 1: my friends used to be like, Oh, you're going down south, 198 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,600 Speaker 1: or you don't want to stay here in Brooklyn. You're 199 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,760 Speaker 1: too good to stay here in Brooklyn. It's like mean, 200 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,880 Speaker 1: while you were doing manual labor down right down in Tennessee, 201 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 1: Like don't nobody want to be here in this right 202 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:51,280 Speaker 1: And the thing is they would feel like since you 203 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,840 Speaker 1: left them, whatever you was doing was better than what 204 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 1: you were doing here, so you felt like you were 205 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,960 Speaker 1: better and then that becomes the narrative of your life. 206 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,319 Speaker 1: You know I'm saying that that for me, that became 207 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 1: the narrative of my life. My parents constantly put me 208 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,880 Speaker 1: in situations to better myself, not be better than anyone else, 209 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,680 Speaker 1: to better myself. So if if I wanted to do something. 210 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,280 Speaker 1: They found even in Tennessee, they knew I loved art. 211 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,840 Speaker 1: They found the Road Center. The Road Center was a 212 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 1: place for artistic people like I used to draw and 213 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:28,199 Speaker 1: paint and be creative. And even then when I didn't 214 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: go to the boys Club, certain days they were like, oh, 215 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,600 Speaker 1: you're going to the Road Center. A You're too good 216 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,640 Speaker 1: to just go to the boys club. So then, you 217 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,079 Speaker 1: know how I start to feel. I don't want to 218 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,679 Speaker 1: go to the role cinema. I'm gonna stay. You know 219 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,240 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I remember starting that young. You know, 220 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,559 Speaker 1: when we used to go to Tennessee. It was the 221 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,400 Speaker 1: same thing. One year I beg to not go to 222 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,560 Speaker 1: Tennessee and then my parents kept us in Brooklyn and 223 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:49,440 Speaker 1: we went to the Glenwood Houses Projects Community Center summer 224 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,960 Speaker 1: program and I had a great time there. But I 225 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 1: remember choosing to not go with my grandparents because I 226 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,880 Speaker 1: wanted everyone else around me to feel better about me 227 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,679 Speaker 1: staying there. Think about how sick that is. You work 228 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,440 Speaker 1: your hardest to be better, right. Jay Z had a 229 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,160 Speaker 1: great quote. They were just like, um, people get mad 230 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 1: at you and they say that you you change, Like 231 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,120 Speaker 1: I worked this hard to remain the same, you know, 232 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 1: like it's the truth, this whole shout out hope. But 233 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 1: when you work this hard to be better for yourself, no, 234 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:23,880 Speaker 1: I don't want to remain in the same you know what. 235 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,360 Speaker 1: I think the conflict there is too for some people. 236 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,320 Speaker 1: They feel like you're trying to be better than them, 237 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,199 Speaker 1: whereas not you're trying to be better than them, You're 238 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 1: just trying to be a better version of yourself and 239 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,720 Speaker 1: then being a better version of yourself if that then 240 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,840 Speaker 1: in turns allows you to ascend in whatever area you're 241 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:39,920 Speaker 1: working on. That has everything to do with you and 242 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 1: nothing to do with the party that's blaming you for 243 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 1: trying to be better than them. There was never a 244 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,800 Speaker 1: competition to begin with, and I think that's the problem 245 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,079 Speaker 1: to a people. A lot of people feel like, because 246 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 1: you may come from the same area, the same walk 247 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,560 Speaker 1: of life, or the same community or the same neighborhood, 248 00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 1: the same school, that everybody has to be on the 249 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:00,440 Speaker 1: same path, and that's just not the case, Like my 250 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,560 Speaker 1: cat is gonna be different than yours. I experienced that 251 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 1: when I was growing up. Um I used to do pageants. 252 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,400 Speaker 1: Everyone else that I competed in pageants and it was like, Oh, 253 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: couldn't think she better than better than everybody else because 254 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:13,200 Speaker 1: she does pageants. The pageant was an opportunity a because 255 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,000 Speaker 1: I saw I was able to make some scholarship money 256 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,680 Speaker 1: and your girl was trying to make money earliest ten. Okay, 257 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,320 Speaker 1: I was like a scholarship money, they even cash awards. 258 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,240 Speaker 1: I like this, I'm gonna build my bank account. So 259 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,600 Speaker 1: that was part of it. Another reason was that I 260 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,080 Speaker 1: always enjoyed being in front of an audience. That's something 261 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 1: that I kind of just knew early on. So I 262 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,320 Speaker 1: was like, Okay, after reading you know, the guidelines for 263 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 1: the pageant and stuff like that, my mom was like, Oh, 264 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 1: interview skills, that'll that will help you in life. You 265 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,320 Speaker 1: do interviews and you learn how to speak in front 266 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,240 Speaker 1: of strangers and do one on one interviews with people. 267 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: That's something that's a life skill you can learn. So 268 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,440 Speaker 1: these are things that I was doing to better my 269 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,800 Speaker 1: circumstance and better myself because I knew eventually one day 270 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,640 Speaker 1: I was going to be in some sort of entertainment. 271 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 1: I was dancing. I love to be on stage. Um 272 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: they had talent competitions. I was playing the piano and 273 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,880 Speaker 1: dancing so my mom was like, this is a platform 274 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,160 Speaker 1: for people to just see you. You never know what 275 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 1: casting director is going to be there, in acting coach, whatever. 276 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 1: So for me, it was all about the opportunity to 277 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,840 Speaker 1: advance and advance myself. Whereas some of my classmates at 278 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 1: the time was like, Oh, she thinks she better because 279 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,840 Speaker 1: she got a crown and banner and she's on stage 280 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,200 Speaker 1: and pretty dresses and stuff, and then that kind of 281 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: made me feel a way sometimes. Yeah, I kind of 282 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 1: was just like, uh so if I had, you know, 283 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 1: an opportunity, because my school was also very proud of 284 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,040 Speaker 1: me at the time, so they're like, Canine bring your 285 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,520 Speaker 1: crown and bandit. We have some people visiting from wherever. 286 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,720 Speaker 1: They're trying to give the school some scholarship money. We 287 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,200 Speaker 1: want them to see that we have kids who were 288 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,200 Speaker 1: doing things here. And then it's like I had to 289 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 1: feel bad about presenting myself like that in front of 290 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: my peers because they made me think that I was 291 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:42,440 Speaker 1: better than them, and it had nothing to do with that. 292 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 1: It was encouragement from the adults around me a but 293 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,480 Speaker 1: I couldn't fully live in that moment and be who 294 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:51,080 Speaker 1: I wanted to be. For fear of ridicule. That survivor's remorse. 295 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 1: You can't be who you want to be in your 296 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,280 Speaker 1: greatest moments because you feel ridicule from your peers. That 297 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,040 Speaker 1: is survivor's remorse. Yeah, and you know what people do 298 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:03,360 Speaker 1: to to kind of eliminate surviroru's remorse. People like me, 299 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,200 Speaker 1: for example, other people I don't stop achieving, but when 300 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,720 Speaker 1: I do achieve, I tried to give everything to everyone 301 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: around me so that everyone can feel the same. And 302 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 1: when I realized that I didn't take care of myself, 303 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,600 Speaker 1: I didn't take care of the things that that mattered 304 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,280 Speaker 1: to me, you know what I'm saying, And now I 305 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,760 Speaker 1: took care of everybody so that we can all be perfect. Example, 306 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 1: you're in the NFL. You twenty two years old, right, 307 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,800 Speaker 1: I'm taking all my boys at the club. I know 308 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: they can't afford bottle service. I'll pay for everybody's bottle service. 309 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,760 Speaker 1: So now you spent a couple of grand in the 310 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,160 Speaker 1: club so that everyone else can feel like they're in 311 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 1: the NFL. Because you're in the NFL, but you're the 312 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 1: only one that put the work in to get there, 313 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And then when that runs out, 314 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,960 Speaker 1: or if you hit a blip in the road, those 315 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 1: same people feel like they don't owe you anything because 316 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 1: they didn't even as they ask. And you can't blame 317 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,560 Speaker 1: that they didn't ask for this. You wanted to make 318 00:16:55,600 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 1: yourself feel better because you felt ridiculed, and now when 319 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,360 Speaker 1: you don't have any more to give, now you're mad. 320 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,960 Speaker 1: So really, it's not even their fault for accepting. It. 321 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,199 Speaker 1: Can't be mad at then for accepting. You're the one 322 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,440 Speaker 1: that's doing all the offering, and that's and that's the point, 323 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:13,320 Speaker 1: like you, you can't blame the people around you. Right, 324 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: It is a culture, right, it is a culture. And 325 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,720 Speaker 1: I don't know if it's because I'm not I'm not white, 326 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,239 Speaker 1: I'm not Asian, not India. I don't know if it's 327 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,480 Speaker 1: a black culture thing. But I don't know if survivor's 328 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 1: remorse exists in every other culture, mainly because especially in America, 329 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,919 Speaker 1: there's only been one group that was held captive and 330 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,879 Speaker 1: enslaved for four years, and I was Black people. You know, 331 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,760 Speaker 1: I do know for a fact that Asian Asian Americans 332 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:39,160 Speaker 1: have gone through a lot after reconstruction, but it wasn't 333 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,600 Speaker 1: the same as enslavement So I don't know if in 334 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,520 Speaker 1: the Asian culture it's the same type of of um 335 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,959 Speaker 1: ridicule that happens when people try to ascend, but I 336 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,200 Speaker 1: do know in the Black culture that that's what happens, 337 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:53,239 Speaker 1: and that culture creates this survivor's remorse where you're like, 338 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,240 Speaker 1: if I'm the one that make it, I gotta bring everybody. 339 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 1: And it has nothing to do with entertainment. I've seen 340 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,399 Speaker 1: people who Bear early made it out of college. You 341 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 1: finally got like a corporate job. And people think corporate 342 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:07,919 Speaker 1: jobs pay instantly once you get entry level, right, No, 343 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 1: you know, like when you when you graduate from college. 344 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,560 Speaker 1: Like Blow, for example, when he first started I think 345 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: he started at New Burger Berman. I think at that time, 346 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,959 Speaker 1: this was two thousand and six, was making fort k. 347 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 1: But in his family's mind, he made it so Blow 348 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 1: try to help everybody, and that was a detriment to 349 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: him in his future, because when you try to help everybody, 350 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,760 Speaker 1: you can't help yourself. And this if there's a message 351 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,760 Speaker 1: that you can get from this, ladies and gentlemen, is 352 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,679 Speaker 1: this is the message. Do not let the current culture 353 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,000 Speaker 1: of the culture that you exist in as you ascend, 354 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,639 Speaker 1: let you make decisions that's not going to help you 355 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,600 Speaker 1: continue to ascend and get to your goals. That guilt 356 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:54,320 Speaker 1: you feel, that survivor's remorse you feel is created within 357 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,359 Speaker 1: you because the things that happened around you, but you 358 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,560 Speaker 1: can't use the people around you as escape go when 359 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,959 Speaker 1: you do that and then fail, That's why it's you 360 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,080 Speaker 1: have to be you have to know it's it's okay 361 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,200 Speaker 1: to not take everyone. That's why this second time around, 362 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:13,720 Speaker 1: we help who we can help, only when we can help. 363 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 1: I'm not spreading myself thin to help everybody. And now 364 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,239 Speaker 1: we have four children too, we were thinking about like 365 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:22,040 Speaker 1: the legacy that we're trying to build for our children 366 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 1: and making sure that they have their little nestig for 367 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 1: what they want to do whenever they're grown and they 368 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,159 Speaker 1: can access that. So it's also too Sometimes I feel like, 369 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,159 Speaker 1: in addition to the survivors are mor than trying to 370 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,840 Speaker 1: shell out to help people. You play things small, you know, 371 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,480 Speaker 1: or you just kind of feel like even if it's 372 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,639 Speaker 1: not having to give somebody something, you feel like you 373 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:43,800 Speaker 1: have accomplish something and you can't even share that and 374 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,280 Speaker 1: share in that joy with certain people because you feel 375 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 1: like they're going to then be able to celebrate all 376 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:53,920 Speaker 1: the time. Triple talks about it all the time. Cadine 377 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:58,679 Speaker 1: graduated mad lucum laude with a master's degree and broadcast journalism. 378 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: Part of the reason why this podcast is so freaking 379 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,119 Speaker 1: dope is because you are exquisite at what you do. 380 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,320 Speaker 1: You have a great voice. You took voice and Dickson classes. 381 00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:10,159 Speaker 1: You help me with my voice. You you're perfect with 382 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:14,200 Speaker 1: transitions and adds. That's what you do, right. But even 383 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 1: when Truple says, oh that's right, Dean does it, the 384 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,640 Speaker 1: first thing you do is going it's not that big deal. 385 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 1: Like you you literally put your head down and you 386 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,919 Speaker 1: lose eye contact, and you know, is this not that 387 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:27,960 Speaker 1: big deal? Because for years, well since you've been born, anytime, 388 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,880 Speaker 1: you've been proud of your compliments with accomplishments. And then 389 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,639 Speaker 1: and I know for a fact that they do this 390 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,080 Speaker 1: to black Americans in this control of the time, is 391 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 1: you better be humble? A big part of it. Think 392 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,040 Speaker 1: about this, when when was the last time you watched 393 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:50,200 Speaker 1: a white quarterback, a white athlete, male or female, white champion, 394 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,200 Speaker 1: white actor, and white singer go up to take make 395 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 1: an acceptance speech, and then you hear Twitter say that 396 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: person needs to be humble, but then think about it 397 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,160 Speaker 1: when it's a black athlete. Think about Serena Williams. How 398 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,920 Speaker 1: when she screamed at the referee for calling her a 399 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 1: cheat and taking a point away, people were saying she 400 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,760 Speaker 1: needs to learn how to be humble. But when McEnroe 401 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:17,720 Speaker 1: screams that refs every match, nobody says anything because that's expected. 402 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,199 Speaker 1: But it's expected for us. But it's expected for us 403 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:24,880 Speaker 1: to be hum humble and timid. And the Bible says 404 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,440 Speaker 1: to be humble. The Bible says to be humble unto God. 405 00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:31,120 Speaker 1: It never says to be humble unto man. I don't 406 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:33,359 Speaker 1: have to be humble unto anybody else that looked just 407 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 1: like me. You have to be humble unto God. And 408 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,320 Speaker 1: if you humble onto God, then he will continue to 409 00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:41,800 Speaker 1: bless you. Because now you have a fiduciary responsibility as 410 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,960 Speaker 1: someone who's living in abundance to help other people, which 411 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 1: is something that we don't ever take lightly so just 412 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,639 Speaker 1: because it's a thing where we're careful and we're strategic 413 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,040 Speaker 1: about when we help and how we help people. Nowadays, 414 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:57,640 Speaker 1: we definitely help and we'll continue and will continue to help, 415 00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,639 Speaker 1: and it's nothing that has to be publicly you know, 416 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,800 Speaker 1: it's spoken about or publicly advertised either, um, what we do. 417 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,239 Speaker 1: And it's crazy because that's the oxymoron. And it's kind 418 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: of like the double edged story. If you don't talk 419 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:09,320 Speaker 1: about helping people, people don't think you help. But if 420 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,360 Speaker 1: you're helping, you help, you talk about helping, then you're 421 00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:13,919 Speaker 1: showing off for helping, um, so that you could just 422 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,320 Speaker 1: never win. But I think the great part about what 423 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:18,720 Speaker 1: we're doing collectively together is that as we both assent 424 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,160 Speaker 1: as a couple and as individuals, like you said, God 425 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,920 Speaker 1: is abundantly blessing us and telling us in the position 426 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,520 Speaker 1: to help people who really need the help. Um. And 427 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,080 Speaker 1: it's great to be able to do that and not 428 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 1: feel the guilt doing it, as if you know, we're 429 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,840 Speaker 1: trying to bring someone up to our level, but just 430 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,399 Speaker 1: saying in your moment, I see you, you may need 431 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,119 Speaker 1: assistance with this, or someone needs assistance with that, and 432 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,480 Speaker 1: we're able to do it. And we're a cheerful giver 433 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:46,040 Speaker 1: because God love that as well. And the difference is 434 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:49,400 Speaker 1: now when we help people, it's more of a thing 435 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,639 Speaker 1: where it's like I'm not helping you to make myself 436 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,680 Speaker 1: feel better because I feel guilty about me. And that's 437 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,320 Speaker 1: the difference. There's a difference because that you also can't 438 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 1: blame people for that. If you choosed to help people 439 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,040 Speaker 1: because you feel guilty about how you've gotten these means, 440 00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:06,399 Speaker 1: or you feel guilty because people throughout your life have 441 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,480 Speaker 1: made you feel guilty about overachieving, and you choose to 442 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,359 Speaker 1: help people to help with that guilt, you're helping for 443 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:14,359 Speaker 1: the wrong reasons, and ultimately you're gonna end up with 444 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 1: your feelings hurt because that type of help runs out 445 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,880 Speaker 1: like you can't always help people like that, but when 446 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:22,320 Speaker 1: you can help and be a cheerful giver because you 447 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,639 Speaker 1: can see someone is in a moment of need and 448 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:26,640 Speaker 1: the money you give them is not money you need 449 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,520 Speaker 1: or gonna need back. Now that's here, don't even you know, 450 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,920 Speaker 1: don't say nothing to me about it, don't say nothing 451 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,560 Speaker 1: to nobody else. Here you go. You know what I'm saying, 452 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,760 Speaker 1: regardless of whether you receive it or not, doesn't make 453 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,960 Speaker 1: matter to me, because I'm just doing this. I think 454 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,600 Speaker 1: you need help, and I think people need to recognize that, 455 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 1: especially younger people who are starting their college process, who 456 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,439 Speaker 1: are thinking about where they're gonna because I've even watched 457 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,679 Speaker 1: I've watched young kids choose to go to schools closer 458 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,760 Speaker 1: to home because they don't want the people around them 459 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,160 Speaker 1: to feel like they're leaving them. And it's like, you're 460 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:02,600 Speaker 1: gonna live met your opportunities and your prospects because you 461 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: want you don't want other people to feel bad about 462 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:09,479 Speaker 1: you bettering yourself. That is it's insane, and it's a 463 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:13,919 Speaker 1: sickness and and and to be honest, it's it's stopping 464 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,600 Speaker 1: a lot of greatness within our community. Sure, you know, 465 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,639 Speaker 1: like leaving the hood because you're just worried about leaving 466 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,400 Speaker 1: the hood. Imagine how much you could do for her 467 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,680 Speaker 1: when you came back, if you were able to grow 468 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,359 Speaker 1: and flourish. That's a good point. And the funny thing 469 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,359 Speaker 1: is we see it all the time, perpetuated in entertainment. Right, 470 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,199 Speaker 1: the person who has a scholarship, or the person go 471 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,080 Speaker 1: out and sing, or the person go out and dance, 472 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,959 Speaker 1: or the person will be a CEO of a company. Right, 473 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,439 Speaker 1: you watch them on TV. And what's what's always the 474 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,520 Speaker 1: conflict with that character? I can't leave everybody behind. I 475 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,320 Speaker 1: gotta find a way to stay here and play basketball professionally. 476 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,440 Speaker 1: You can't. That's not possible. You know what I'm saying. 477 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,400 Speaker 1: I want to take this big time job in New 478 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,920 Speaker 1: York as a financial president, but I can't. I gotta 479 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,600 Speaker 1: stay home, And no you don't. You don't got to 480 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,000 Speaker 1: go go out there and get as much resource it's possible, 481 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:05,320 Speaker 1: come back and the spread those those resources when you can, 482 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:09,200 Speaker 1: but not because you feel guilty. And that's that's ultimately 483 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,359 Speaker 1: what we want people to think about. And also and 484 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,879 Speaker 1: it's the motivation behind yes, the motivation behind it, but 485 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,199 Speaker 1: also for people. Be careful with your words if you 486 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 1: see someone is starting to do well or trying to ascend, 487 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:25,520 Speaker 1: saying backhanded stuff like, oh, what's good, Hollywood, I want 488 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,679 Speaker 1: to be like you will not grow up? Oh it 489 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:31,359 Speaker 1: must be nice, you're a lucky person. Stuff like that 490 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,000 Speaker 1: is backhanded compliments and that you don't know how that 491 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,120 Speaker 1: weighs on that person if you're constantly hearing it. So 492 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,520 Speaker 1: you know, I think that this is important that we 493 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,240 Speaker 1: as a people continue to look at how we interact 494 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,240 Speaker 1: with those who are trying to ascend. Absolutely absolutely, I 495 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 1: love that. All right, yo, So let's let's take some 496 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:53,399 Speaker 1: pay some some bills, get into these listener letters. Do that. 497 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,120 Speaker 1: As my laptop over here died. Let me get some juice, y'all. 498 00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:58,240 Speaker 1: Plug me up please, so I can come and get 499 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,680 Speaker 1: in your business real quick. We're gonna take a quick break. 500 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:14,600 Speaker 1: We'll be right back, all right. So we're back with 501 00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:17,600 Speaker 1: listener letters. All right. My laptop still dead, y'all. So 502 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,520 Speaker 1: if I was gonna start off, hopefully i'll catch up 503 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,400 Speaker 1: long alright. Number one. First of all, let me start 504 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,800 Speaker 1: by saying I genuinely love your podcast and love you both. 505 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,680 Speaker 1: Big ups from Barbados, thinking barbad I can't wait to 506 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,760 Speaker 1: get there. Let me real quick. Stay. My goal in 507 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,040 Speaker 1: life is to touch every island in the crew being 508 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 1: at some point. My goal in life is to touch 509 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:39,560 Speaker 1: you in every island at some point. I love that 510 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,879 Speaker 1: moment of truth, y'all. Came early, and so I just 511 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,880 Speaker 1: turned twenty two when I was listening to your podcast 512 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:49,080 Speaker 1: last week, the one about manifestation, and of course, prayer 513 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:51,560 Speaker 1: without work equals nothing. So straight to the point, I'm 514 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 1: tired of my job. I've been working here for two 515 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:57,080 Speaker 1: years and hearing Barbados, it's hard to find good, solid jobs. 516 00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,600 Speaker 1: So if you find some good place. Uh, find some 517 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,639 Speaker 1: place good. Your best option is to stay. But lately 518 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,120 Speaker 1: I've become so frustrated that my workplace, and I decided 519 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,800 Speaker 1: for my birthday, I'm going to make a change. So 520 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,480 Speaker 1: I prayed, and I've been trying to speak positive affirmation 521 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,800 Speaker 1: to myself, and I've been putting myself out there, sending 522 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 1: my resume any and everywhere. When I pray, I asked 523 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,200 Speaker 1: God to help me find the right job, not just 524 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,480 Speaker 1: any job, because I would hate to leave one stress 525 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,119 Speaker 1: from the environment to going to the next. Even in typing, 526 00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:26,000 Speaker 1: I gotta go all around. Even in typing, I gotta 527 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,119 Speaker 1: go all around the world before I get to the point. See. 528 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,760 Speaker 1: I had my first call and interview this week, and honestly, 529 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,800 Speaker 1: the interview was amazing. I stepped out of their feelings 530 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,040 Speaker 1: so confident. But now I'm at work, and for some reason, 531 00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:37,160 Speaker 1: I feel so guilty because this job has been good 532 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,320 Speaker 1: to me, and I met a lot of amazing people here, 533 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,760 Speaker 1: and my boss is a really nice guy. I met 534 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,000 Speaker 1: my best friend for life here at work, even though 535 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,719 Speaker 1: she quit a couple of months ago, And honestly, I 536 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,199 Speaker 1: just feel like it's going to be so hard to leave, 537 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,600 Speaker 1: especially if I get the job at the other place. 538 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,560 Speaker 1: My questions are, how do I embrace new opportunities, how 539 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:57,000 Speaker 1: do I resign from this job the right way? And finally, 540 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,800 Speaker 1: what affirmations can I tell myself to help me overcome 541 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,120 Speaker 1: the guilt I'm feeling for wanting better for myself? Wow? 542 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 1: Could your girl be feeling guilty? Bad? Bad? I couldn't 543 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,480 Speaker 1: help the dialect there. I love that I read you 544 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:16,119 Speaker 1: read math fast, get half the story, you ain't the 545 00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 1: story I can't hear. So pretty much pretty much what 546 00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:23,960 Speaker 1: she was saying was she had a job, she don't 547 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,320 Speaker 1: like her job, doesn't like it, wants to do something else, 548 00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:28,679 Speaker 1: but she feels guilty leaving because everything she's learned from 549 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:34,080 Speaker 1: that job. Another type of survivors feeling like you've outgrown 550 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,000 Speaker 1: the place you're in, but guilty because you want to 551 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:41,640 Speaker 1: move on. I mean, the bottom line is is that 552 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,280 Speaker 1: we have been taught, like we have been conditioned to 553 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 1: be accepting of any condition, like that's just what. Let's 554 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,000 Speaker 1: just accept it, like this is this is good enough, 555 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:54,400 Speaker 1: you know. And And here's one thing, I'm so grateful 556 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,080 Speaker 1: for this opportunity that I can't I have to just 557 00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 1: withstand that you know where I saw that with mostly 558 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:03,680 Speaker 1: growing up my mom. Yeah, like in this work environment 559 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,880 Speaker 1: that was just so so stressful, and she was so 560 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,320 Speaker 1: unhappy and just having to deal with people that just 561 00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:13,920 Speaker 1: weren't nice. And well, let's just never wanted to leave. 562 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,600 Speaker 1: You never wanted to walk away. Let's talk about corporate structure. Right, 563 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:21,239 Speaker 1: this is how corporate structure works. Your boss owns a company. Right, 564 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:25,760 Speaker 1: you make your boss, let's say a million dollars. You 565 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:30,200 Speaker 1: may make fifty dollars. Your boss's job is to make 566 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 1: you feel so good earning that fifty dollars that you 567 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,400 Speaker 1: never leave because you help him or her make a 568 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,320 Speaker 1: million dollars. So you know, what your boss does may 569 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,200 Speaker 1: be nice to you. You know, um, give you an 570 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:49,520 Speaker 1: extra five dollar bonus, little employed employee appreciation breakfast, You 571 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,280 Speaker 1: go on vacation every year. These are all ploys and 572 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,200 Speaker 1: corporate structure to keep you a part of the corporate program. 573 00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,360 Speaker 1: Your job is to continue to make that company money. 574 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,920 Speaker 1: So of course they're gonna make you feel good and 575 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,040 Speaker 1: then also make you feel guilty when you're ready to go. 576 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,920 Speaker 1: That's why most people when they're transferring jobs, they just 577 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,800 Speaker 1: get an offer. Know that the job is secure, put 578 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,959 Speaker 1: in their two weeks notice and then bounced. Because if 579 00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:16,640 Speaker 1: you tell your boss that you're thinking about leaving, they're 580 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:20,760 Speaker 1: gonna make you feel good by doing everything other than 581 00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:25,040 Speaker 1: giving you a worse or giving you more responsibility so 582 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:27,240 Speaker 1: you can grow in that position. Because if they give 583 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,440 Speaker 1: you more responsibility so you can grow in that position, 584 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,880 Speaker 1: it's going to cause them more money. What's cut into 585 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:35,160 Speaker 1: their bottom line. So you have once you understand corporate 586 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: structure and you know how this works, you won't feel 587 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,480 Speaker 1: guilty because you know it's just business. Maybe it's never personal. 588 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,920 Speaker 1: The same way, if they can get cheaper, younger talent, 589 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:47,920 Speaker 1: you are disresposable. I think I saw somewhere. I don't 590 00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:49,000 Speaker 1: know if it was a mean or if it was 591 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,280 Speaker 1: an actually real thing, but it's like someone had passed 592 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,680 Speaker 1: away on the job or whatever, and that person's job 593 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,240 Speaker 1: was posted by the end of business day the same 594 00:30:56,320 --> 00:31:00,280 Speaker 1: day they found out the person passed away disposable. But 595 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,480 Speaker 1: I'm just saying that should also put in perspective for 596 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:04,920 Speaker 1: you that you're just a body. You were just a 597 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: number to some of these institutions. So when you're thinking 598 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 1: about blood but in tears, you're thinking about your happiness, 599 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,560 Speaker 1: your sanity. I'm like, sense, look at what you prayed for. 600 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:19,200 Speaker 1: You prayed for better opportunities that are coming. Embrace the opportunity. Yo, listen. 601 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:23,120 Speaker 1: It's it's funny, but bosses can give you survivor's remorse 602 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:26,480 Speaker 1: as well. Oh yeah, I think of it in that circumstance. 603 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,000 Speaker 1: But all the bosses I know who are really good 604 00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:34,400 Speaker 1: at empowering people and that are really good at empowering 605 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:41,840 Speaker 1: people often narcissistic and also very smart at manipulating people. Right, 606 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: So what they'll do is they'll empower you within the 607 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,080 Speaker 1: company to help them make more money, but also reminds you, like, 608 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,280 Speaker 1: remember when you started and you couldn't do anything, Think 609 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:53,280 Speaker 1: about how much you learned here. So now it's like, damn, 610 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:55,480 Speaker 1: let me make this person feel indebted to this place, 611 00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:57,240 Speaker 1: because if they learned, if I remind them of how 612 00:31:57,320 --> 00:31:59,680 Speaker 1: much growth and how much we took a chance on 613 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 1: you because we wasn't sure, but look how much we 614 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,880 Speaker 1: taught you. It's saying things like that creates a survivor's remorse. 615 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,040 Speaker 1: When it's like I've outgrown this job, but can I 616 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:09,200 Speaker 1: leave because I've done so much here? It's like, yes, 617 00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:13,280 Speaker 1: you can leave your job, was to yes, and you 618 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:17,480 Speaker 1: can't feel guilty because you've outgrown a situation like that's 619 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,520 Speaker 1: just what You've made some friends at work. You can 620 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:21,720 Speaker 1: be friends outside of work now And she said the 621 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:24,000 Speaker 1: best friend quick, Yeah, the best friends called. Yes, your 622 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:26,880 Speaker 1: best friend left your sis. Come on now. If that 623 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,800 Speaker 1: wasn't a message, then I don't know what the message is. 624 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:33,320 Speaker 1: But I think people need to understand that survivor's remorse 625 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:37,040 Speaker 1: is a tool, often using corporate structure to keep you 626 00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:39,719 Speaker 1: an employee. And if you want to move on, you're 627 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:41,920 Speaker 1: gonna have to learn to let that guilt go and 628 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 1: then do what you do for yourself affect their bottom line. 629 00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:50,000 Speaker 1: You know, I'm gonnatop. Now you want my laptop? Now 630 00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:53,720 Speaker 1: you want my laptop? You know? Please let me tell you. 631 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,680 Speaker 1: But come on, was that reaching over the chair? Bro? 632 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:58,840 Speaker 1: Let me tell you. You're not getting my get up, 633 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:01,920 Speaker 1: you're let me touch you, but reach over and grab it. 634 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,480 Speaker 1: There you go, let me helping out there? There you go. 635 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:09,680 Speaker 1: All right, we're good. Good. Make sure my laptop dies 636 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:15,560 Speaker 1: more often, y'all play don't play with feels on the podcast? 637 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,440 Speaker 1: All right, So here's the second one. Hey, First off, 638 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:19,840 Speaker 1: I want to say, I love you guys, and always 639 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:22,760 Speaker 1: appreciate how transparent you are with each other and your listeners. 640 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:25,520 Speaker 1: You'll pollcome love you back. I've been with my boyfriend 641 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,160 Speaker 1: for four years. We both graduated college last year, and 642 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,880 Speaker 1: now we're both working full time jobs and back at 643 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,360 Speaker 1: home living with our parents to save money. We've been 644 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,080 Speaker 1: talking about the future of our relationships, specifically moving in 645 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:39,760 Speaker 1: together and eventually getting married. However, it seems like it's 646 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,760 Speaker 1: been hard to get on the same page. I really 647 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,600 Speaker 1: I realized that I often feel that when I try 648 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,719 Speaker 1: to talk to him about giving more to the relationship 649 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,840 Speaker 1: and committing to future plans together, he reacts like I'm 650 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:54,000 Speaker 1: threatening his sense of self and his independence. It's very frustrating. 651 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:57,280 Speaker 1: Although I don't doubt that he cares about me, it 652 00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:00,320 Speaker 1: feels like he's not on committed to the launch devity 653 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:03,240 Speaker 1: of our relationship. This resulted in ME building up a 654 00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:05,560 Speaker 1: wall and not trusting his commitment, causing a lot of 655 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:09,239 Speaker 1: arguments and distance. Am I wrong for questioning his intentions? 656 00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:12,000 Speaker 1: How can I know if we can rebuild trust or 657 00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:14,640 Speaker 1: if he's just the type of person that values independence 658 00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:18,279 Speaker 1: over partnership. Is this just a post grad phase that 659 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:23,200 Speaker 1: all couples go through. Thanks for any insight. Interesting good question. 660 00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:26,960 Speaker 1: She built up here. Um so boyfriend for four years 661 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:31,319 Speaker 1: they were in college together, graduated, full time jobs, living 662 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:35,000 Speaker 1: at home with their family. Building. So it could be 663 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:36,840 Speaker 1: a couple of things. It could be that he is 664 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:40,080 Speaker 1: in that building phase where he kind of feels like, Okay, 665 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:45,399 Speaker 1: if I'm going to seriously think about committing to this 666 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,080 Speaker 1: woman in real life, because I think college gives us 667 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:52,839 Speaker 1: this like perfect little like world of it not being 668 00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:57,319 Speaker 1: practical because we are living without real bills. You know, 669 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,720 Speaker 1: we're just kind of like we talked about our college 670 00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:01,960 Speaker 1: EXPERI it's an utopia. It's a utopia. That's the word 671 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,080 Speaker 1: I'm looking for. It's just a utopia of like the 672 00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:08,800 Speaker 1: perfect environment. So it could be that now he's realizing that, Okay, 673 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,160 Speaker 1: college is over, this is real world. Now I'm trying 674 00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:16,880 Speaker 1: to build and I want to focus on that devils 675 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,359 Speaker 1: need to think some based on his faith? No, no, no, 676 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:22,720 Speaker 1: Or is it that you think that he's just getting 677 00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:27,360 Speaker 1: a taste of now the real world and maybe afraid 678 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:29,400 Speaker 1: of the commitment phase. To be honest, I don't I 679 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,080 Speaker 1: don't know what it is. I just feel like, and 680 00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:33,880 Speaker 1: we're gonna do a whole podcast about this. There's a 681 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:36,560 Speaker 1: different responsibility when it comes to a man trying to 682 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,719 Speaker 1: plan for the future than a woman. A huge responsibility. Like, 683 00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,799 Speaker 1: for example, right in this day and age, if I'm 684 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:46,600 Speaker 1: gonna propose, I have to save money for a ring. 685 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:49,480 Speaker 1: I have to save money to propose the right way 686 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:52,319 Speaker 1: these days, which is I got to get a videographer, 687 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,240 Speaker 1: a photographer, take her to a restaurant, invite all her people, 688 00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:58,799 Speaker 1: and do a whole big thing or else She's not 689 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:01,840 Speaker 1: going to feel like it's good enough. Right, Women prepare 690 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:06,759 Speaker 1: for marriage by doing what waiting. That's why there they 691 00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:09,719 Speaker 1: seem so impatient because I'm just waiting to figure out waiting, 692 00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:11,279 Speaker 1: tying to figure it out. Well, nigga's got to make 693 00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:13,400 Speaker 1: money to do all that stuff. For example, we know 694 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:16,560 Speaker 1: someone who was looking to get married. Right, first thing 695 00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:21,000 Speaker 1: is ring. Right, said person said they're looking for a 696 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:25,680 Speaker 1: certain amount of carrots. Certain amount of carrots cost tens 697 00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:29,799 Speaker 1: of thousands of dollars, right, tens of thousands of dollars. Right. 698 00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,200 Speaker 1: For a lot of people, those tens of thousands of 699 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:36,919 Speaker 1: dollars maybe half or more than their salary for a year, right, 700 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:43,680 Speaker 1: Plus this person wants everything when it comes to the proposal, right, 701 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:48,320 Speaker 1: which costs more than tens of thousands of dollars. So 702 00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:52,319 Speaker 1: the women sit back and do what while the man 703 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,440 Speaker 1: is planning all of this? You understand what I'm saying, 704 00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:58,880 Speaker 1: Like realistic. I gotta ask you a question. When you 705 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:02,880 Speaker 1: were planning on getting married, right, what were you thinking of? 706 00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:05,239 Speaker 1: How were you preparing to be a wife, and how 707 00:37:05,239 --> 00:37:07,480 Speaker 1: were you preparing for the proposal. I've been told y'all, 708 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:10,960 Speaker 1: I was preparing. I was getting my bikini whack, I 709 00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:14,439 Speaker 1: was getting my nails done. Um No, seriously, there wasn't 710 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:17,359 Speaker 1: a lot of preparation that went into me preparing to 711 00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,359 Speaker 1: be a wife, per se, like they were in conversations 712 00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,400 Speaker 1: that were had or any of that. So it really 713 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,120 Speaker 1: is kind of like a sitting back and waiting game 714 00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:27,600 Speaker 1: that happens with this whole like proposal thing. So yeah, 715 00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:29,440 Speaker 1: his mind might kind of be a little flustered. Now 716 00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:31,839 Speaker 1: he's like, now we're out of this utopia, now we're 717 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:36,319 Speaker 1: in the real world. Um, and this is getting really really, 718 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:38,880 Speaker 1: really fast because this is what happens. I got to 719 00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:40,319 Speaker 1: spend all this money to do all of this, But 720 00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:42,799 Speaker 1: then we also have to get married, and we have 721 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,160 Speaker 1: to plan a wedding, and we have to live. I've 722 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:47,920 Speaker 1: said this before. Right as a man, I felt a 723 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,080 Speaker 1: responsibility that if I'm going to ask you to be 724 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:53,160 Speaker 1: my wife, I have to be prepared to handle all 725 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:57,239 Speaker 1: of the responsibilities that come with having a wife. You 726 00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:01,120 Speaker 1: didn't think like that. You never thought like, okay, let 727 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,040 Speaker 1: me put this amount of money aside, let me It 728 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:05,239 Speaker 1: was just I can't wait to get engage and they 729 00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:07,120 Speaker 1: get married, and you didn't even think about how much 730 00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:09,600 Speaker 1: a wedding will cost. I thought about all of this. 731 00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:12,040 Speaker 1: I thought about where we were going to live. I 732 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:14,200 Speaker 1: thought about when you if once you get pregnant, if 733 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:15,920 Speaker 1: you can't work, how am I going to handle all 734 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:19,440 Speaker 1: of the responsive financial responsibilities. So I think for women 735 00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:21,400 Speaker 1: sometimes when you're sitting back and waiting for him to 736 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:24,880 Speaker 1: just ask, there's a lot that he has to go 737 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:28,040 Speaker 1: through before he even gets to that point. And even 738 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,359 Speaker 1: if he's at that point, he still has to wait 739 00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:33,960 Speaker 1: until financially he's at a point to execute those plans. 740 00:38:34,239 --> 00:38:37,880 Speaker 1: Because y'all just graduated, so I guarantee you do. They 741 00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:39,880 Speaker 1: even have secure jobs yet. I don't know if she 742 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,839 Speaker 1: but they're both staying at home to save money. So 743 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,600 Speaker 1: my thing is, they just both graduated. So if they're 744 00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:51,600 Speaker 1: both just graduating um undergrad grad school, I think it was. 745 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:53,319 Speaker 1: I think it was undergrad. So let's say they both 746 00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:55,759 Speaker 1: under they both graduate undergrad. Right, Most people this day, 747 00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:58,719 Speaker 1: and ain't you graduate undergrad make between forty five and 748 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,400 Speaker 1: sixty dollars a year on the high end, on the 749 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:04,520 Speaker 1: high end, So let's just think about that. He's making 750 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,640 Speaker 1: forty five to sixty dollars a year. He has to 751 00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:09,080 Speaker 1: get taxed on that, right, So he gets taxed on 752 00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:11,239 Speaker 1: and say it's the sixty, let's give him a sixty. 753 00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:13,680 Speaker 1: He's gonna have to pay at least thirty three that 754 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:16,560 Speaker 1: money to the government. So now he's making forty dollars 755 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:20,359 Speaker 1: a year, right, and this is first year upon graduation. 756 00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:24,439 Speaker 1: Most of these women want the diamonds that they see 757 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:28,200 Speaker 1: on Instagram, right, they want what to three carrots? Right? 758 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:30,399 Speaker 1: I know for a fact, because I just upgraded your 759 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:33,360 Speaker 1: reign that with each carrot is at least ten thousand 760 00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:36,000 Speaker 1: dollars on the low wind. So you want three carrots 761 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:40,440 Speaker 1: thirty thousand dollars, right, plus the band, right, plus the 762 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:44,279 Speaker 1: engagement party, plus the engagement itself is another what ten 763 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:49,840 Speaker 1: maybe fifteen thousand dollars, So a year salary forty dollars, 764 00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:52,120 Speaker 1: he's going to spend more than that proposing to you. 765 00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:56,960 Speaker 1: He has to save that money first and still live, 766 00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:59,160 Speaker 1: which means he still has to live in today's today's day. 767 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,120 Speaker 1: So if he's making four thousand dollars a year, forty 768 00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:05,000 Speaker 1: thousand dollars a year, that's at least what i'd say 769 00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:09,239 Speaker 1: about thirty five hundred dollars a month like a human calculator, 770 00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:12,160 Speaker 1: because for years I've been for years, I've been doing 771 00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:17,520 Speaker 1: this in my head. You figure if he's saving I mean, 772 00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:20,160 Speaker 1: if he's making thirty five dollars a month after taxes, 773 00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:23,640 Speaker 1: he's still gotta eat, still gotta live, probably has a car, 774 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:26,200 Speaker 1: probably dropped some money to his parents for staying there 775 00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:28,600 Speaker 1: for free. If his parents say no, forget it, he'll 776 00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:30,920 Speaker 1: probably be able to save out that thirty five hundred 777 00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:34,399 Speaker 1: if he if he lives frugally, probably able to say 778 00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:38,920 Speaker 1: fifteen hundred. So now fifteen hundred times twelve is what 779 00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:43,520 Speaker 1: eighteen thousand, which means he's going to have to for 780 00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:46,399 Speaker 1: two to three years, depending on their level of most 781 00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:49,479 Speaker 1: women is like waiting too three years for but that's 782 00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:55,560 Speaker 1: really what So it seems like yeah there, and when 783 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:57,800 Speaker 1: we hear women talk about it doesn't seem like he's serious. 784 00:40:58,280 --> 00:41:01,919 Speaker 1: He also he may be serious and trying to throw 785 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,480 Speaker 1: you off so that he can surprise you. Because remember 786 00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:07,759 Speaker 1: we had friends who her girls were saying, if he 787 00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:12,160 Speaker 1: don't propose you by by Thanksgiving or by by New Year's, 788 00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:13,920 Speaker 1: then you need to just move on because he's not ready. 789 00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:16,600 Speaker 1: The whole time, his plan was to propose to her 790 00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:20,520 Speaker 1: and surprise her in February, and then she came through 791 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:23,200 Speaker 1: New Year's. He was taking her to we told the story. 792 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,200 Speaker 1: He was taking her to events up on New Years 793 00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:26,480 Speaker 1: and the whole time she was getting dressed up and 794 00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:29,680 Speaker 1: all her girls like, and every time it wasn't it. 795 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:34,200 Speaker 1: He got disappointed and ultimately gave him an ultimatum in January, 796 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,279 Speaker 1: like if you're not serious about this, then meanwhile, this 797 00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:38,080 Speaker 1: dude had a whole ring and the whole thing set 798 00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:43,040 Speaker 1: up the February it's like, damn, like a whole your 799 00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:46,920 Speaker 1: friends sitting I should just waited and just be patient 800 00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:48,839 Speaker 1: baby at it? Well, I mean too, I guess she 801 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:51,880 Speaker 1: can also look at it as not having the conversation 802 00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:54,040 Speaker 1: as a form of pressure, but as a form of 803 00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:58,480 Speaker 1: expectations or what she's looking for as things progress, right, 804 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,080 Speaker 1: because we had this this that went viral when we 805 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:04,319 Speaker 1: talked about expectation versus pressure. So I think that if 806 00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:06,800 Speaker 1: she's just having the conversation with him, not framing it 807 00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:10,440 Speaker 1: where he feels pressured, but just saying, hey, I'm just wondering, like, 808 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:12,799 Speaker 1: what's the time frame? Because every couple talks about time 809 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:14,799 Speaker 1: frame though no, don't like we have like a five 810 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:16,960 Speaker 1: year plan. We have a ten year plan for the future. 811 00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:20,080 Speaker 1: If maybe she just wants some clarity on where his 812 00:42:20,160 --> 00:42:22,560 Speaker 1: head is with things. But the but the game plan 813 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:26,400 Speaker 1: often puts pressure because the woman is saying I wanted 814 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:30,360 Speaker 1: in this time. He's the one that's responsible to provide 815 00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:33,239 Speaker 1: it in that time. Regardless of how you coded, it's 816 00:42:33,239 --> 00:42:36,800 Speaker 1: still pressure to provide the things you want. I'm required 817 00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:38,880 Speaker 1: to provide the things you want in your time. So 818 00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:41,319 Speaker 1: maybe it's not a pressure a conversation about her time, 819 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,560 Speaker 1: it's that what do you think or what what what 820 00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:45,279 Speaker 1: are you coming? I think that's what she's trying to say. 821 00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:49,000 Speaker 1: She's coming from a place of what are you. You 822 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:50,839 Speaker 1: just said, is it wrong for her to say what 823 00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:52,960 Speaker 1: she wants and needs and her time? And I said, no, 824 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:56,279 Speaker 1: it's not wrong. You are entitled to say what you 825 00:42:56,320 --> 00:42:58,640 Speaker 1: want and need, but you can't say, I just told 826 00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:00,720 Speaker 1: you what I want and need. Don't feel no pressure. 827 00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:03,480 Speaker 1: That's why people oftentimes when they said, you know, like 828 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:08,160 Speaker 1: for example, we had um for Valentine's Day, we have 829 00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:13,040 Speaker 1: friends who smitty Smitty was just like, yo, um, if 830 00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:15,279 Speaker 1: y'all can figure out something on Valentine's they let me know. 831 00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:17,960 Speaker 1: But if you can't, it's no pressure. You gotta say 832 00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:20,160 Speaker 1: no pressure, because once you tell somebody what you're looking 833 00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:22,840 Speaker 1: for and in a certain time frame, now what's pressure 834 00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:25,759 Speaker 1: on them to provide that. The thing is women don't 835 00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:27,920 Speaker 1: like to hear that they put pressure on men when 836 00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:31,120 Speaker 1: they tell them a time frame. But you're entitled to 837 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,040 Speaker 1: tell me your time frame, right, But I think if 838 00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:36,960 Speaker 1: you if I have to provide, if you care to, 839 00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:39,600 Speaker 1: you may be like, you know, you can have all 840 00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:41,960 Speaker 1: time frames you want. But what we're not doing is 841 00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:45,280 Speaker 1: that so that's also possible. Well, good luck to assists, 842 00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:48,439 Speaker 1: you know, continue to have the conversations, are serious about 843 00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:50,399 Speaker 1: each other. That's one thing that I always encourage, even 844 00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:52,640 Speaker 1: though you may not see eye to eye on the process, 845 00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:56,719 Speaker 1: at least having the conversations. Um, hopefully we'll get some 846 00:43:56,760 --> 00:44:02,040 Speaker 1: clarity someday. That's ultimately, that's the only answer. Can openly 847 00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:05,960 Speaker 1: having the conversation and don't be upset or don't expect 848 00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:08,400 Speaker 1: other people to understand how your conversation is going to go. 849 00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:11,719 Speaker 1: Because Kadeen and I had the conversation out loud, and 850 00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:15,319 Speaker 1: everybody else was upset, but she and I wasn't and 851 00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:18,279 Speaker 1: it worked out perfectly for us. So make sure you 852 00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:21,040 Speaker 1: talk the conversation and don't care how everyone else takes it. 853 00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:24,520 Speaker 1: Continue to have the conversation and love on each other absolutely. 854 00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:27,120 Speaker 1: All right, y'all keep setting in these listener letters because 855 00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:28,440 Speaker 1: we love to have them. We're actually gonna have a 856 00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:31,200 Speaker 1: list of letter episode coming up, maybe one or two 857 00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:33,160 Speaker 1: this season, because you know, sometimes you have some really 858 00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:35,920 Speaker 1: good questions and stories for us, So email us at 859 00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,960 Speaker 1: dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's right, that's 860 00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:41,160 Speaker 1: D E A D A S S A D V 861 00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:45,000 Speaker 1: I C E at gmail dot com. Alright, moment of 862 00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:47,960 Speaker 1: truth time, we're talking survivor's remorse. Going back to the 863 00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:51,080 Speaker 1: top of the show. Everything we spoke about ascension bringing 864 00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:54,160 Speaker 1: everybody with you who can come, who can't, and feeling 865 00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:58,359 Speaker 1: bad about that, um my thing, my moment of truth, 866 00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:02,440 Speaker 1: I should say, is just be careful with your words 867 00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:05,399 Speaker 1: and your approach when it comes to people around you 868 00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:12,160 Speaker 1: who are trying to make their hopes and dreams come true. 869 00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:16,000 Speaker 1: There's just there's just nothing, um that can be more 870 00:45:16,040 --> 00:45:22,200 Speaker 1: disappointing or more hurtful than the backhanded compliments. And if 871 00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:26,279 Speaker 1: you're going to support someone, support them wholeheartedly. Support them 872 00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:29,759 Speaker 1: because you want to genuinely support them and their their 873 00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:32,560 Speaker 1: their path, not because of what you may potentially gain 874 00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:35,719 Speaker 1: from it. And just know that if you want to 875 00:45:35,719 --> 00:45:37,719 Speaker 1: ascend with somebody, you have to put the working as 876 00:45:37,719 --> 00:45:41,000 Speaker 1: well too. And it can be two completely different dreams, 877 00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,840 Speaker 1: two completely different goals, a really different path you speaking 878 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:50,360 Speaker 1: right now. But there's nothing sweeter than when a group 879 00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:53,040 Speaker 1: of friends or a group of acquaintances or a group 880 00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:57,640 Speaker 1: of family members are all ascending in their own fields 881 00:45:57,760 --> 00:46:01,040 Speaker 1: and they can do it collectively and celebrate together, like, 882 00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:07,319 Speaker 1: how beautiful is that you took my goddamn moment of truth? 883 00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:09,000 Speaker 1: All right? So we've done it all right? If you 884 00:46:09,120 --> 00:46:12,960 Speaker 1: want to be the Only thing I'm gonna add is, 885 00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:19,040 Speaker 1: if you are the person that's ascending, don't let your 886 00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:24,040 Speaker 1: pocketbook be your way of getting rid of guilt, because 887 00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:28,440 Speaker 1: that runs out. You cannot pay people to be happy 888 00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:31,480 Speaker 1: for you, and you cannot pay your way out of 889 00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:34,400 Speaker 1: dealing with the trauma for feeling guilty for being successful. 890 00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:39,719 Speaker 1: You can't so between Cadee's moment of truth for the 891 00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:45,200 Speaker 1: people around for the person who is ascending. Noted words matter, 892 00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:48,200 Speaker 1: and know that you have to work on healing yourself 893 00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:52,720 Speaker 1: first before you can be available to anybody else. Dead asked, 894 00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:56,239 Speaker 1: the dead asked the all right, be sure to find 895 00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:58,680 Speaker 1: us on social media, y'all at Dead Asked the podcast, 896 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,960 Speaker 1: and you can find me Instagram and all the good 897 00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:03,880 Speaker 1: stuff at Cadeen. I am and I am devouting. If 898 00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:07,040 Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review 899 00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:14,360 Speaker 1: and subscribe. We'll see you next time. Dead Ass is 900 00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:17,000 Speaker 1: a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is 901 00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:20,600 Speaker 1: produced by the Noorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on 902 00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:23,359 Speaker 1: social media at dead as to podcast and never miss 903 00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:23,680 Speaker 1: a Thing