Speaker 1: Discipline. You hear me, Discipline, not desire, determines your destination.
Speaker 1: Discipline is something I struggle with from time to time.
Speaker 1: Are sinking me dead as? Hey? I'm Cadine and we're
Speaker 1: the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: with our boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to
Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead ass is the term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take phillow Talk to a whole new level.
Speaker 1: Dead at starts right now. This story time is gonna
Speaker 1: take me back to summer nine ninety nine two. I'll
Speaker 1: never forget it because I was eight years old. That
Speaker 1: sounds like trauma. It was. It was. It was a
Speaker 1: little bit of trauma, but it created the person you'll
Speaker 1: see today. All right, my my parents, we've told the story,
Speaker 1: you uhould send us to Morristown, Tennessee to be with
Speaker 1: our grandparents for the entire summer because they didn't want
Speaker 1: us to be running around Brooklyn. But they both were
Speaker 1: at work, so me, my brother Brian. This is before
Speaker 1: my sister Tori was born, and my cousin Devon used
Speaker 1: to go down to Tennessee. And I'll never forget. De
Speaker 1: Vaughn was nine about to turn ten. I was eight
Speaker 1: and my brother was turning six, and we had to
Speaker 1: get up every morning at eight o'clock and be outside.
Speaker 1: It was now Morristown, Tennessee, summertime. It's hot, like mad hot.
Speaker 1: There are no trees outside in the front, no nothing.
Speaker 1: We just outside in the heat. Right. My grandfather comes
Speaker 1: outside on the weekend and say, hey, listen, listen starting
Speaker 1: this Monday, Yeah, it's gonna be sitting out, are playing
Speaker 1: ball all day and to do what you're gonna do?
Speaker 1: You got some yard work to do. We're like, what
Speaker 1: yard work? I'm eight, I'm eight, he's he's gonna be
Speaker 1: ten and he's six. What y'all work? He taught us
Speaker 1: how to turn on the tractor. We had to ride
Speaker 1: the tractor and cut the grass. They had an acre
Speaker 1: and a half of land, y'all, and they had a
Speaker 1: hand trimmer right the hand trimmor that the grown menu son.
Speaker 1: We was outside and hand trimming the lawn, bro cutting
Speaker 1: the cut in the hedges, doing all of this stuff
Speaker 1: when my grandmother sat on the porch in the back
Speaker 1: sipping lemonade. This is what she had the three of
Speaker 1: us doing, right, And I remember, like tears in my
Speaker 1: eyes saying that this is not fear, something like this
Speaker 1: is not fair. And stay used to wake us up
Speaker 1: every morning. But every Monday we had to do it,
Speaker 1: and every Thursday we had to do it. So twice
Speaker 1: a week we had to do yard work. And when
Speaker 1: I think about my life today, it all goes back
Speaker 1: to the fact that my grandparents instilled enough the type
Speaker 1: of discipline that we needed to have in order to
Speaker 1: do the things that we wanted to do, so we
Speaker 1: couldn't do anything else until that got done. Now, you
Speaker 1: can make a choice that you're not doing it, but
Speaker 1: if you're not doing it, you are not doing anything
Speaker 1: else that day that you want to do. And I
Speaker 1: think about my life now and I said, you know what,
Speaker 1: I hated every minute of that discipline, but I love
Speaker 1: the person that created oul h yep, I'm at the money,
Speaker 1: money and the cars, cars and the clothes those I's
Speaker 1: the post say. I just want to be. I just
Speaker 1: want to be success. I just want to be. I
Speaker 1: just want to be. I love that. But are you
Speaker 1: willing to work for that ship? That's the question. Everybody
Speaker 1: wants to be successful, but who's actually willing to work
Speaker 1: for it? That's what we want to know. We want
Speaker 1: to know. Don't don't wait, slow down race track now.
Speaker 1: If we have to pay some bills, we're gonna do
Speaker 1: that and we'll be right back. All right, now, we're back.
Speaker 1: You know what? That story makes so much sense because
Speaker 1: when I look at you, your brother, and your cousin now,
Speaker 1: y'all all work like no strangers to work, you know,
Speaker 1: doing different things, you know, in your own ways. Yes,
Speaker 1: but y'all all have held down jobs and work consistently
Speaker 1: on time. For for four years of playing football in college,
Speaker 1: four years in the NFL, I never missed a weight
Speaker 1: room session, a film session, a team meeting. I never
Speaker 1: missed or was late ever. Ever. I can attest to that.
Speaker 1: I remember that was that was of paramount priority to you.
Speaker 1: I don't care what you did the night before, how
Speaker 1: much sleep you got or didn't get, you were definitely
Speaker 1: what was the model, the model that your coach gave you.
Speaker 1: To be on time is to be to be earliest.
Speaker 1: To be on time, To be on time is to
Speaker 1: be late, and to be late is to be forgotten.
Speaker 1: And don't nobody want to be forgotten? And that's a
Speaker 1: that's a military term. And I talked all the time
Speaker 1: about my grandfather being in the military, the Navy, for
Speaker 1: in the Korean War. So I watched my grandfather when
Speaker 1: we used to go to Tennessee, get up at five
Speaker 1: am every single morning, regardless of whether he was working
Speaker 1: that day or not. And he was up at five
Speaker 1: to go to work Monday through Friday. But he woke
Speaker 1: up at five on Saturdays and worked more five on Sundays,
Speaker 1: and he got his yard working stuff done early during
Speaker 1: the weekends. And when I think about discipline, right and
Speaker 1: in the sound bite, discipline, not desire, determines your destination.
Speaker 1: This is the truth. You can want something so bad
Speaker 1: that you just want it. You want it, you want it,
Speaker 1: and you can work hard for it. But if you
Speaker 1: don't have the discipline necessary to do the things that
Speaker 1: you don't want to do. To get it, you'll never
Speaker 1: get it. And let's let's break this down. Discipline is
Speaker 1: required for things you don't want to do. Yes, so,
Speaker 1: and and there's two parts that I want to specify.
Speaker 1: It's choosing to do the things you don't want to do,
Speaker 1: and it's also the part that says doing the things
Speaker 1: you don't want to do. And i'll give you an example. Right,
Speaker 1: people think about sports, right, and how discipline you have
Speaker 1: to be to be elite in a sport. Right, So
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take sports out of it, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to talk about instruments because it's easier with sports. Or
Speaker 1: you play a sport, you practice, practice, whatever. When I
Speaker 1: wanted to play the saxophone, um, my father took me
Speaker 1: to a man's name was Kurt for set for set,
Speaker 1: and he did the he used to be played the saxophone,
Speaker 1: I believe, and he also played the piano. And if
Speaker 1: I may be wrong, if it wasn't Kurt, but I
Speaker 1: remember I wanted to play the saxophone. And he talked
Speaker 1: to me about running m HM, and I hate running
Speaker 1: long distance, and I was just like, I'm want to
Speaker 1: play the saxophone. Like, why are you talking to me
Speaker 1: about running? And he was just like, because if you
Speaker 1: love playing the saxophone, you'll play the saxophone all the time.
Speaker 1: That takes no discipline, But the saxophone requires you to
Speaker 1: take care of your mouth and your lungs. What better
Speaker 1: way to take care of your lungs than to practice running.
Speaker 1: If you're playing a song right that is over seven
Speaker 1: minutes and you have to constantly breathe in stamina, that
Speaker 1: requires you to be fit, and the running aspect will
Speaker 1: show me and show you if you're willing to be
Speaker 1: disciplined enough to play the saxophone. So the running really
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with the saxophone, but it was
Speaker 1: the discipline needed to be able to do the things
Speaker 1: to become a great saxophone player. Because this was when
Speaker 1: I wanted to play the saxophone. I was ten, ten
Speaker 1: to the ten year old. I'm sure you're not concept yeah,
Speaker 1: because it's like anything else, I want to play the saxophone.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna enjoy playing the saxophone, which means I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna play all the time, all the time, all the flione.
Speaker 1: It doesn't take discipline to do the things that you
Speaker 1: love if you love playing basketball, ill go outside and
Speaker 1: play basketball. It takes no discipline. What takes discipline is
Speaker 1: practicing the stuff you don't like to do. For example,
Speaker 1: in order to play basketball, you have to be in shape,
Speaker 1: which means you gotta run, you gotta lift. I hate
Speaker 1: running and I hated lifting, But in order to instill discipline,
Speaker 1: I had to do it consistently, and I had to
Speaker 1: choose to do it. That's the other part, right. The
Speaker 1: first part is doing something you don't like to do
Speaker 1: in order to be great at the stuff that you
Speaker 1: like to do. The second part is choosing it. And
Speaker 1: the reason why I say choosing it is because there's
Speaker 1: a difference in doing something that you have to do
Speaker 1: and then choosing to do something that you don't have
Speaker 1: to do. That choice is what creates the discipline, because
Speaker 1: if you're forced to do something that you don't like
Speaker 1: to do over and over and over again, of course
Speaker 1: you're gonna do it while you're forced. But the minute
Speaker 1: you don't have to do it because you're not being forced,
Speaker 1: you won't have the discipline to continue to do it.
Speaker 1: That's why the discipline comes from choosing to do it right,
Speaker 1: not being obligated and working through this. Discipline is almost
Speaker 1: like developing muscle memory to that it kicks in whenever
Speaker 1: you necessarily don't want it to kick in. Discipline helps
Speaker 1: build your mental fortitude and your will power, right, because
Speaker 1: if you want to be great at anything in life,
Speaker 1: there's going to be adversity. And if you don't have
Speaker 1: will power and you don't have mental fortitude to get
Speaker 1: through those moments, you're gonna walk away and quit. That's
Speaker 1: why discipline, more than anything else, determine your destination. Like
Speaker 1: you you can, you can, and it's not just desire
Speaker 1: is anything. Discipline is required more than anything else because
Speaker 1: if you don't have that when the when the going
Speaker 1: gets tough, you're gonna be going. It's funny. I think
Speaker 1: about the lessons that parents started instilling kids right, and
Speaker 1: think about when I was younger and there was the desire,
Speaker 1: for example, first off, for me to say, oh, I've
Speaker 1: seen somebody playing the piano. I saw a girl in
Speaker 1: my age. She was actually had a pageant, she was
Speaker 1: younger than me, and she got on this piano during
Speaker 1: the talent competition and homegirl let it rip, and she
Speaker 1: was at least seven, played like the most classically trained
Speaker 1: pianists I've ever heard in my life. I was so impressed.
Speaker 1: I was like, that's Tobe do something like that. And
Speaker 1: at the time, I was taking piano lessons already, and
Speaker 1: my mom and dad were very big well, my mom's
Speaker 1: specifically was very big on exposing us to different things
Speaker 1: to say, okay, what was gonna stick. So with the
Speaker 1: piano in the beginning, it was cool because it's just like,
Speaker 1: all right, you know, I got to exercise, you know,
Speaker 1: my way of you know, learning the notes and the
Speaker 1: keys and stuff. But in my mind I just wanted
Speaker 1: to play like Homegirl. But my my, my music teacher,
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, but you have to do this basic
Speaker 1: stuff here. And it was literally him putting on that
Speaker 1: metronome and I'm like bump bump um hitting the key,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, but this is not what
Speaker 1: I want to do. I want to play this song
Speaker 1: she played. And I could never get my mind around
Speaker 1: as a child, particularly the process it required for me
Speaker 1: to then develop into the classical pianists in my mind
Speaker 1: that I wanted to be. And my mom never allowed me,
Speaker 1: even in my frustration, to stop. And I think that's
Speaker 1: what a lot of people want to do. They quit.
Speaker 1: They seem like, Okay, this is not happening fast enough
Speaker 1: for me. This is um not the process that I
Speaker 1: thought it was going to be, so you're just easy
Speaker 1: to drop it where I couldn't understand at the time.
Speaker 1: She wanted me to see the entire process through and
Speaker 1: wouldn't allow me to quit until finally I think she
Speaker 1: was like, girl, you at me wasting all this goddamn
Speaker 1: these um these less these piano lessons, and you know,
Speaker 1: I just got discouraged and never continued. And that was
Speaker 1: one of the things growing up Now as a woman,
Speaker 1: I'm like, man, I really wish I was disciplined more
Speaker 1: to work on the process and see it through, because
Speaker 1: as a child you can't see it so vivid. Do
Speaker 1: you feel like her allowing you to quit it's part
Speaker 1: of the reason why now you have issues completing tasks
Speaker 1: if you don't really want to do something. Yeah, yeah, um.
Speaker 1: And and it's not even as much as her allowing
Speaker 1: me to quit, but she just kind of, I guess,
Speaker 1: got fed up in the end. It was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: if you really are not interested in this, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna continue to invest money in it. Um. But Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that definitely affects me in my day to
Speaker 1: day life now because it's easy for me sometimes to
Speaker 1: just say I'm not doing it because I don't want
Speaker 1: to do it. So I struggle with discipline a lot. UM.
Speaker 1: Procrastination is also a thing that I think is a
Speaker 1: lack of discipline is going to then promote procrastination, and
Speaker 1: that's something that I've struggled with um a lot over
Speaker 1: the years. So UM, I am looking for ways to
Speaker 1: exercise those things or tactics or approaches with our kids now,
Speaker 1: because sometimes with your kids, you can then foresee them
Speaker 1: having some of the same habits that you've had, and
Speaker 1: you're just like, God, damn Devil will get on me
Speaker 1: sometimes for saying, you know, you're telling Jackson the same
Speaker 1: thing that you should be telling yourself because you do
Speaker 1: X y Z. And I'm just like, I know, and
Speaker 1: I see how this has made me, and I've struggled
Speaker 1: in my life, and I don't want him to have
Speaker 1: the same struggles that I've had, So I try to
Speaker 1: then find ways, or we're finding ways as parents to
Speaker 1: try to promote and instill discipline in our children, because
Speaker 1: you just see the effects of not having that I
Speaker 1: just now that I think about it, I go back
Speaker 1: to even my aunt and uncles on that side, all
Speaker 1: of my aunts and uncles on that side, including my father,
Speaker 1: had to learn how to play classical music. And it
Speaker 1: was a form of discipline. Older than my uncle, Uncle Charles,
Speaker 1: my aunt Debbie, my aunt Monique, and my father all
Speaker 1: a class of music growing up. And they did that
Speaker 1: on purpose. Like I said, my grandfather was a navy man.
Speaker 1: My grandmother was very big on discipline, So them learning
Speaker 1: how to play the piano was something that they just
Speaker 1: had to do because they had no other option. But
Speaker 1: it was to instill discipline. And I bring that up
Speaker 1: because there are ways to practice instilling discipline, and I
Speaker 1: want to talk a little bit about it. Number one,
Speaker 1: the only way you can practice instilling discipline is by
Speaker 1: having an accountability partner, right, you need and this is
Speaker 1: for adults, right. There are so many adults who asked
Speaker 1: me questions about how to build this, how to build that?
Speaker 1: How how do I create this? You cannot create anything
Speaker 1: consistent with value without discipline. You can get lucky, right,
Speaker 1: you can have a video go viral, right, But if
Speaker 1: you are not discipline enough to continue to create videos.
Speaker 1: You won't be able to create a catalog of videos
Speaker 1: to then monetize it, to then create something substantial for
Speaker 1: people to continue to come to you and make money
Speaker 1: from it. So people think that you can create something
Speaker 1: by going viral. That won't happen. You can get people's
Speaker 1: attention by going viral, but you can't create nothing meaningful,
Speaker 1: meaningful from it without videos. For example, I was consistent
Speaker 1: with creating videos three videos a day, madness, I tell you,
Speaker 1: for three years. That's over a thousand videos a year.
Speaker 1: And I did that for three years, every single day
Speaker 1: without missing a day before people started to pay attention
Speaker 1: to us the way they've been paying attention to us now.
Speaker 1: And that's a discipline. Right when they came time to
Speaker 1: to play football, I always talked about not meeting any
Speaker 1: missing any meetings, not missing any workouts. Also I added
Speaker 1: extra workouts on top of the other Workoutskaudin and I like,
Speaker 1: do you ever under understand how much of a savage
Speaker 1: you are in the best possible way. Well, I'm I'm
Speaker 1: learning now through my kids and I've learn through you
Speaker 1: how different my mindset is. I think you should have
Speaker 1: learned through even just adults as well people who you encounter.
Speaker 1: You know how you talk about being in your own
Speaker 1: mind sometimes and being so narrow minded that you just
Speaker 1: feel like your reality is everyone's reality, and everyone else
Speaker 1: should see the world the way you. I was guilty
Speaker 1: of thinking that and thinking that anyone else who didn't
Speaker 1: think like me or didn't maneuver like me was weird
Speaker 1: or solved. It frustrates your life. It does frustrate me
Speaker 1: a lot. And it frustrates me even when people ask
Speaker 1: me about how to start something and I tell them
Speaker 1: how to start it, and they look at me like
Speaker 1: that's it, and I'm like, yeah, right, Like you have
Speaker 1: to be consistent. You want me to give you a
Speaker 1: quick tip to where you're done in for five minutes. No,
Speaker 1: it takes years. There's there's a um saying that it
Speaker 1: takes thousands of muscle movements to become muscle memory. Thousands. Right,
Speaker 1: it's the same thing for discipline. Right, So let's talk
Speaker 1: about what you need. Number one and accountability partner. Why
Speaker 1: because an accountability partner will remind you when you're not
Speaker 1: doing the things that you chose to do. And you
Speaker 1: know what, people hate accountability. That's why less than one
Speaker 1: percent of people make it to the NFL and b A.
Speaker 1: Less than one percent of people actually make it to
Speaker 1: be a working actor. Less than one percent of the
Speaker 1: people actually make it to being a CEO of a
Speaker 1: fortune five hundred company. Less than one percent of people
Speaker 1: actually get the opportunity to own their own business because
Speaker 1: they lacked the discipline to see it through consistency, consistently
Speaker 1: over time. So when you see these people who are
Speaker 1: quote unquote exceptional, typically it's not because they're just talented
Speaker 1: or gifted. It's because they have the discipline to keep
Speaker 1: doing things that they didn't want to do when no
Speaker 1: one else wanted to do them, and they chose to
Speaker 1: do it, not forced. Here's proof and that when parents
Speaker 1: force kids to do things and the parent and the
Speaker 1: kid is not choosing to do it, there's always a
Speaker 1: point where the parent can no longer force that child.
Speaker 1: And when they can't force that child, you know what,
Speaker 1: the child does fall off. So do you think in turn,
Speaker 1: discipline is something learned or in eight Because I feel
Speaker 1: like I've experienced just even seeing children, our children are
Speaker 1: just people in general that some people seem to have
Speaker 1: been born with that. You know, when you say somebody,
Speaker 1: somebody just has it, like they just have that great
Speaker 1: they have that desire, they have that that internal motivation.
Speaker 1: Then there's others who might have learned discipline because, for example,
Speaker 1: you're in the military or you're you know, you're in
Speaker 1: some sort of structural environment where discipline is something that's
Speaker 1: preached on and instilled. Discipline is way more nurture than nature.
Speaker 1: But as Triple point out, we brought it up to say,
Speaker 1: we're talking about this last night, there's discipline, there's motivation,
Speaker 1: and there's grit. Right, let's break down the three so
Speaker 1: that we can say which one is, because which one three?
Speaker 1: I would think that they sort of kind of overlapp
Speaker 1: I'm motivated, I'm motivated, I get things done, I have grid,
Speaker 1: I have great But that's not discipline. We got definitions,
Speaker 1: we got definition, so let's talk about it all right.
Speaker 1: Discipline is defined as to train oneself to do something
Speaker 1: in a controlled and habitual way, to train or develop
Speaker 1: by instruction and exercise, especially in self control. Right. That's discipline, right,
Speaker 1: And discipline is also the thing that they're leaving out
Speaker 1: of here is choosing right, because if you force someone
Speaker 1: to do that, that's not discipline, right, they're forced to that.
Speaker 1: Discipline is choosing to train oneself to do something. That's
Speaker 1: the most important thing is that you chose to do it.
Speaker 1: No one else is making you do it, because when
Speaker 1: someone else makes you do it and then they stop
Speaker 1: making you do it, if you didn't choose it, you're
Speaker 1: not going to continue to do it. Right, So that's
Speaker 1: what discipline is. Motivation only exists as a noun, so
Speaker 1: discipline is a verb as an action something you do.
Speaker 1: Motivation only exists as a noun, but discipline as a
Speaker 1: verb form. So in other words, discipline is something you
Speaker 1: do choosed to do, while motivation is something that can
Speaker 1: come and go, which you cannot choose to do or control. Furthermore,
Speaker 1: if you're never motivated to be more disciplined. So perfect example, right,
Speaker 1: you may watch take our kids. They watched the last dance, right,
Speaker 1: they were motivated to play basketball in that moment. Remember
Speaker 1: what they said here, motivation. Motivation is fleeting. It can
Speaker 1: come and go. You can wake up one morning feeling
Speaker 1: motivated to do something, but then the next morning, after
Speaker 1: doing it once or twice, to be like, man, I
Speaker 1: don't want to do this no more. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, that's that's motivation. So if you say you
Speaker 1: know you have to be motivated in order to get
Speaker 1: something done, no, that's you can't rely on your own
Speaker 1: motivation because motivation could be found where discipline is internal
Speaker 1: motivation you can find in different place, and discipline you
Speaker 1: can work on motivation. You you can't work on being motivated.
Speaker 1: You either are or you not. But displine discipline carries
Speaker 1: you through those days when you're not motivated. To see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, absolutely, and then grit, passion and perseverance
Speaker 1: for very long term goals, having stamina, sticking with your
Speaker 1: future day and day out, not just for the week,
Speaker 1: not just for the month, but for years, and actually
Speaker 1: working really hard to make that future reality. Grit is
Speaker 1: living life like it's a marathon, not a sprint. Socially duckworth.
Speaker 1: So grit is the mental fortitude that you have to
Speaker 1: have to say, you know what, it takes ten years
Speaker 1: to become an overnight celebrity. M right, Um, I'm going
Speaker 1: to use discipline to keep myself motivated. To show that
Speaker 1: I had grit over ten years, I'm gonna say it
Speaker 1: again show So I'm going to use discipline right to
Speaker 1: keep myself motivated to show that I had grit. For example,
Speaker 1: I had to have grit to be able to do
Speaker 1: those videos for three years without making a dime. I
Speaker 1: had to have grit right. I had to have the
Speaker 1: mental fortitude to see it and have the long term
Speaker 1: goal there. Like I had the grid, I saw it,
Speaker 1: but I had the discipline right to do the three
Speaker 1: videos a day even when I wasn't motivated. You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. The discipline was the act of the
Speaker 1: action of practicing the thing that I need to do
Speaker 1: even when I don't want to do it. And here's
Speaker 1: a news flash to everybody, de vow Ellis does not
Speaker 1: like making videos. De vou Ellis never liked making those
Speaker 1: videos every single day. It was part of the plan,
Speaker 1: It was part of the process. It was part of
Speaker 1: the discipline. I used to I used to sit down
Speaker 1: and say, why would someone choose me to be on
Speaker 1: their TV screen? Why would someone choose me to be
Speaker 1: in their movie? Why why would they choose me? What
Speaker 1: if I done to deserve an opportunity? And that used
Speaker 1: to be what gave me the grit to say, you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm gonna have to take time. That's what
Speaker 1: continues in this day, continues for me to make time,
Speaker 1: to take time to say, you know what, I need
Speaker 1: to create my own content to prove to the powers
Speaker 1: that be that I deserve an opportunity. And since I
Speaker 1: had the grit to say, you know what's gonna take
Speaker 1: ten years to become an overnight celebrity and we're only
Speaker 1: on year five, hold this, Kyro five one year five, right,
Speaker 1: I'm nowhere near where I want to be. Now. It's
Speaker 1: the discipline aspect, right. The discipline is when I used
Speaker 1: to say to you, I gotta do three posts a
Speaker 1: day at the post to day. I'm gonna do what
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do it regardless. I
Speaker 1: used to not guys. I used to be used tod Y.
Speaker 1: I used to sit and she's not the only one
Speaker 1: that wasn't motivated because there was something. I used to
Speaker 1: wake up and be like, okay, man, I don't really
Speaker 1: feel like doing it. And I used to be like,
Speaker 1: we know what I committed to it. If I am,
Speaker 1: if I am deserving of this opportunity, I'm going to
Speaker 1: have to be willing to do the things that I
Speaker 1: don't want to do when I don't want to do
Speaker 1: them in order to live the life that I want.
Speaker 1: So let's get these three videos done. That discipline helped
Speaker 1: me push through when I wasn't motivated, and it's showing
Speaker 1: its time now over the past five years that I
Speaker 1: had great enough to do it because consistency falls in
Speaker 1: line with I believe. Well, we know that it's inconsistent
Speaker 1: when it comes to motivation, but consistency with discipline, um,
Speaker 1: and consistency with grit we're does work ethic fall into this?
Speaker 1: So so because I'm thinking about it, Yeah, work ethic
Speaker 1: is the principle that hard work is intrinsically Um, I
Speaker 1: guess virtuous are worthy of a reward. Right, that's you know,
Speaker 1: there's going to be rewards here. So it's like this unyielding,
Speaker 1: unrelentless or this relent not that this unyielding relentlessness that
Speaker 1: you have with work ethic that I think goes hand
Speaker 1: in hand with discipline. Yes, yes, so to me, work
Speaker 1: ethic is a byproduct of instilling discipline in the person. Right,
Speaker 1: So once you learn to build discipline, and we're gonna
Speaker 1: talk a little bit about how that, well, it says
Speaker 1: right here, what does it take to build discipline? Number one,
Speaker 1: growth mindset. The ability to learn is not fixed. It
Speaker 1: can change with your effort. Failure is not a permanent condition, right,
Speaker 1: So just think about the growth mindset. Right, What do
Speaker 1: I say to Jackson a time? There are no els
Speaker 1: in life, there's no losses lessons. You you lost that
Speaker 1: one only so that you can learn what to do
Speaker 1: better next time. If you think about science, right, Um,
Speaker 1: in science, you try, you fail, you try, you fail,
Speaker 1: you try until you're successful. All of those failed trials
Speaker 1: are not discarded. They just take all the information from
Speaker 1: those failed tries to say, Hi, this is what's gonna work.
Speaker 1: But it took all of those failed tries first in
Speaker 1: order for you to get there. Right, you miss a
Speaker 1: ton of shots playing basketball so that you can learn
Speaker 1: the proper form to make it when you need to
Speaker 1: make it. Right, Michael Jordan's said, I succeed because I
Speaker 1: failed so many times, and I failed so many times
Speaker 1: so that I could be successful. You have to have
Speaker 1: a growth mindset. So the first thing with instilling discipline
Speaker 1: is to understand the growth mindset. Understanding that you're gonna fail, right,
Speaker 1: Because the thing that stops people from being disciplined is failure.
Speaker 1: Oh I tried it, it didn't work. Funk this that's
Speaker 1: not a growth mindset, right, that's oh, it didn't work
Speaker 1: the first time, so this is never gonna work, so
Speaker 1: let me walk away from it. No, a growth mindset
Speaker 1: means I failed, which means I have to make an
Speaker 1: adjustment and try again. See it's it's funny you say
Speaker 1: that because when I think about you, for example, when
Speaker 1: the things that we've done over the years, and you know,
Speaker 1: you and I independently are together, you never shied away
Speaker 1: from failure, and you've never given up, Like there's never
Speaker 1: been a moment where you felt like, Okay, well you
Speaker 1: I'm trying to do this. That didn't work, so I
Speaker 1: forget it. We're gonna scrap the idea. Like that requires
Speaker 1: a different mechanism, I feel like in your brain to
Speaker 1: be able to say, maybe that's the delusional quality that
Speaker 1: you say. Successful people have to say, all right, well
Speaker 1: that didn't work, so I'm gonna then pivot and try
Speaker 1: something else, rather than be discouraged. Well okay, that's that's fair.
Speaker 1: That's fair. But I think that it's never seen a
Speaker 1: lot of people work like that. You know what I
Speaker 1: feel I feel you. I also feel like it also
Speaker 1: has a lot to do with God. Right, God gives
Speaker 1: people visions. Right. One thing I will never do is
Speaker 1: take credit for everything. And I have because there was
Speaker 1: someone who instilled something in me. Right. If you can
Speaker 1: see something, that means that it's happened, right, Like, think
Speaker 1: about it. When you just take a child and they're born,
Speaker 1: and you put them in a white, padded room, They're
Speaker 1: not going to just start speaking English. They're not going
Speaker 1: to just start walking. I'm not gonna They have to
Speaker 1: see it in order to say, hey, this can happen. Right,
Speaker 1: So if you think about it like that, when you've
Speaker 1: seen something, or you have a vision or your imagination
Speaker 1: goes somewhere, it's like, wait a minute, this has to
Speaker 1: be possible because I can see it. So and the
Speaker 1: fact that you can see it, and the fact that
Speaker 1: it's possible means that you have to find a way
Speaker 1: to get to it. You can't just say it's oh,
Speaker 1: it's this esoteric, divine thing that's never gonna happen. Is impossible,
Speaker 1: so just leave it alone. No, it is possible. That's
Speaker 1: why you see it. Right. The Right Brothers said that
Speaker 1: if you fold a piece of metal right folded, and
Speaker 1: you put seats in it, and you put people in it,
Speaker 1: and you put wings on the side, you will fly.
Speaker 1: And everybody else said they're fucking crazy, they're crazy, But no,
Speaker 1: someone gave them a vision God to say this is possible. Right.
Speaker 1: The first person that said yo, yo, yo, world ain't
Speaker 1: flat y'all, everybody was like, oh, this person here, stupid, right.
Speaker 1: It was so bad during those times. I think it
Speaker 1: was during the crucial aids that um, they called those
Speaker 1: people heretics, meaning it was God's word that this is
Speaker 1: what people were saying. It was God's words that the
Speaker 1: world was flat, and anyone who said that the world
Speaker 1: was round was considered considered a heretic. A heretic was
Speaker 1: means you don't believe in the church, which means you
Speaker 1: was excommunicated and cast out of whatever village you lived
Speaker 1: in because you went against the church. It was that
Speaker 1: deep that people really felt that God told them the
Speaker 1: world was flat until the person said, no, bro, the
Speaker 1: world around. I've seen it, and now we have proof
Speaker 1: that the world is round. Because that person kept trying
Speaker 1: to prove that the world was round, until finally they
Speaker 1: proved the world was round. My point is, when you
Speaker 1: have a vision in your mind, you can no longer
Speaker 1: discredit your own vision as something you made up and
Speaker 1: it will never happen if it's if it's something that
Speaker 1: you can see for yourself. Somebody gave you that vision
Speaker 1: for a reason, and we have a responsibility to go
Speaker 1: get it whatever you do with that. And the thing is,
Speaker 1: if you believe in God like I believe in God,
Speaker 1: God is going to test you because when God gives
Speaker 1: you a vision, right, he gives you a vision with
Speaker 1: the responsibility, meaning I'm going to give you this thing
Speaker 1: that may help you live in abundance, but you have
Speaker 1: a responsibility once you get an abundance to do what
Speaker 1: pay it forward? Right. I can only trust those who
Speaker 1: are willing to go through the fire to get the
Speaker 1: gift that I'm showing them that they have because those
Speaker 1: people who go through the fire, I know they have
Speaker 1: integrity and they will be disciplined enough to do right
Speaker 1: by the gift and with the abundance that I give them.
Speaker 1: You really thought you were preaching today, That's when when
Speaker 1: we're talking about discipline. I'm gonna be honest, baby, this
Speaker 1: is what I feel I have been successful in my
Speaker 1: life because I have a responsibility to honor the gift
Speaker 1: God gave me, and I have to be disciplined with
Speaker 1: the gift to do right by it, even when I'm
Speaker 1: living in abundance and God is not going to just
Speaker 1: give that to anybody. You know what I'm saying, annoying,
Speaker 1: set I noticed I speak very passionate about this, and
Speaker 1: I know I sound crazy at times, but this is
Speaker 1: just how strong I feel about it because everything in
Speaker 1: my life has gone that way. People asked me all
Speaker 1: the time, like, how did you know? How did you know?
Speaker 1: Right when I was in high school as a sophomore,
Speaker 1: I was playing basketball. I was a gifted basketball player.
Speaker 1: Football coaches to me, bro you five seven? How many
Speaker 1: five seven basketball players? You know? Right at the time
Speaker 1: it was Muggsy Bows and spud Web. They were both
Speaker 1: five seven and five five respectfully. So I said, not many, right,
Speaker 1: and he said, but I can show you a lot
Speaker 1: of five seven football players. So I was like, I
Speaker 1: want to go to school for free. I don't want
Speaker 1: to play football, but if my gift for putting the
Speaker 1: discipline and necessary to be a good football players that
Speaker 1: I can get a free education. Let me be disciplined
Speaker 1: enough to do whatever I have to do to get
Speaker 1: that football scholarship so that I can go to school
Speaker 1: for free. And when I changed from basketball to football,
Speaker 1: people said I was crazy. I was five seven hundred
Speaker 1: and thirty pounds and I was a sophomore going to
Speaker 1: be a junior. But I had a vision in my
Speaker 1: mind that God was going to provide me what I
Speaker 1: needed to be successful in that moment if I was
Speaker 1: disciplined enough to do the things that I needed to do.
Speaker 1: I didn't drink, I didn't smoke. I focused solely on
Speaker 1: being the best version of myself with football so I
Speaker 1: get my free education. And what happened. I armed the scholarship.
Speaker 1: God gave me a vision about the NFL and about
Speaker 1: being a huge movie star, but he said, in order
Speaker 1: to do that, you're gonna have to go through this fire,
Speaker 1: which means I had to do four years of college football.
Speaker 1: Had to be disciplined, right. I focused on doing that,
Speaker 1: and what happened made it to the NFL, got cut
Speaker 1: by the NFL. God said, you want to focus on TV,
Speaker 1: is gonna take you ten years to get there, but
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to be disciplined. Enough to provide for
Speaker 1: your family, create this business so that you can ultimately
Speaker 1: get to where you want to. So I said, you
Speaker 1: know what, God, you have not failed me yet. All
Speaker 1: I have to do is be disciplined. And discipline is
Speaker 1: never never failed me. Discipline and obedience and never failing never.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that you have to be perfect,
Speaker 1: because discipline also means that, say you fall off the
Speaker 1: wagon and you don't do something, you have to work
Speaker 1: twice as hard to get back on because you're gonna
Speaker 1: fall off the wagon, right You're gonna fall off the wagon.
Speaker 1: So just know you're not perfect. And part of falling
Speaker 1: off the wagon is part of the process. Because your
Speaker 1: dreams aren't gonna come in ascension all the time. They're
Speaker 1: gonna come valleys. There's gonna be times where where you're
Speaker 1: gonna be like, nothing is going the way that I
Speaker 1: wanted to go. But you have to be disciplined enough
Speaker 1: to get back on it. Love that I feel like ship,
Speaker 1: let's go to break. You know, we have a couple
Speaker 1: more um what it takes to build discipline points um.
Speaker 1: That was growth mindset that spiraled us into that beautiful
Speaker 1: are there? No, don't don't apologize, this is, this is,
Speaker 1: this is you're you're rocking it out today. UM. Know
Speaker 1: your strengths and weaknesses. Identify what you're good at and
Speaker 1: what you struggle with. That's just across the board, I think,
Speaker 1: with so many areas of anything we're trying to do
Speaker 1: in life. UM, right to the occasion. Don't wait, do
Speaker 1: it now. Don't do like me and be waiting y'all.
Speaker 1: Do it now, and one second when it says no,
Speaker 1: your strength and weaknesses. The reason why they point that
Speaker 1: out is because you have to be disciplined at doing
Speaker 1: what at, knowing your weaknesses and doing things to increase
Speaker 1: your weaknesses and making them strengths. Most people like to
Speaker 1: focus on the strengths because they come easier, but you
Speaker 1: have to point out your weaknesses and work on being
Speaker 1: disciplined at better and better at those things. No doubt, yes,
Speaker 1: exactly being do it. Don't put it off for later,
Speaker 1: do it, Get up and do it. Start small, Start
Speaker 1: with things. One thing that you can do each day
Speaker 1: to reach your goal. Set timing your schedule to do it. UM,
Speaker 1: do it every day, and too it will becomes second nature.
Speaker 1: Muscle memory must memory in discipline, so developing those habits,
Speaker 1: remove temptations. The saying goes out of sight, out of mind,
Speaker 1: So it might seem silly, but this phrase offers powerful advice.
Speaker 1: By simply removing the biggest temptations from your environment, you
Speaker 1: will greatly improve your self discipline. I will have to say, um,
Speaker 1: when you remove yourself from the environments that caused you
Speaker 1: to not be focused on your goal, you're doing yourself
Speaker 1: a huge service, because it's hard for any person to
Speaker 1: constantly be disciplined enough to say no, no, no to yourself.
Speaker 1: It's literally canemed, you know, removing herself, removing cheese puffs
Speaker 1: and what else do I like to munch on? It's
Speaker 1: not just skittles, gummy bears at the night. At the end.
Speaker 1: The problem is I try to have stuff for the
Speaker 1: children when the podcast crew comes to town, try to
Speaker 1: keep the pantry stocked. And then your girl, because Dave,
Speaker 1: you know, and when Dave, you remember the story about
Speaker 1: three bears. What was a little a chick name who
Speaker 1: when they ate all the day? Her name was Dave.
Speaker 1: Name was Dave. Dave came in and ate all the
Speaker 1: food out. The inserts graphic of Dave with goldilocks wig
Speaker 1: on him, and Dave has a friend name Matt, and
Speaker 1: the two of them coming here just clean out the
Speaker 1: pantry all the time. Words, well, at least it's them
Speaker 1: and it's not me, because listening, baby girl, the discipline
Speaker 1: that requires on the side. So I mean to shut
Speaker 1: you out, man, but y'all, y'all will get to know.
Speaker 1: You can have all of our temptations. When it comes
Speaker 1: to the snacks, you can fight over them with the kids. UM,
Speaker 1: believe in your will power. Don't set yourself out. Speak
Speaker 1: positively to yourself. Don't do like me either in self sabotage. Um.
Speaker 1: You have to be able to focus and get things done.
Speaker 1: Your thoughts become your actions, folks. Words of affirmation every day.
Speaker 1: I created this with Jackson Caro Wing Kaz in Dakota,
Speaker 1: and it started with the hundreds of kids before that.
Speaker 1: I'm mentored, I'm big, I'm strong, I'm fast, I'm elite.
Speaker 1: The name of our company was called Prototype. I am
Speaker 1: a prototype. So when you constantly say these things, you
Speaker 1: believe them. They all became elite athletes because before they
Speaker 1: start a workout, when they start to feel down and
Speaker 1: say to yourself, I'm big, I'm strong, and fast, elite.
Speaker 1: I'm a prototype. When you guys watch me work out
Speaker 1: and sometimes Codeine you hear Codine said, come on, ls,
Speaker 1: let's go. That's my word of affirmation. I'm saying, let's go,
Speaker 1: ll let's go. I adapted that now too, And even
Speaker 1: I'm hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's another one too. Uh. Find a mentor, so a
Speaker 1: mentor or. We mentioned account before, So sometimes the best
Speaker 1: way to stick to the plan is to have someone
Speaker 1: to be accountable to. Yes, finding someone you trust to
Speaker 1: check on your progress and to be honest with you
Speaker 1: about it when you ain't doing what you're supposed to do.
Speaker 1: Accountability partners sitting right over here, and you are in
Speaker 1: ways a mentor because you know a lot about a lot,
Speaker 1: so you know I'll be looking up to you too.
Speaker 1: You do. He's so sweet, And forgive yourself and keep
Speaker 1: moving forward. Discipline is a choice again that you get
Speaker 1: to make over and over again, no matter where you are.
Speaker 1: Every day is a new chance to choose discipline. I'm
Speaker 1: so glad that this is the last one because it's
Speaker 1: a choice. Right. There's nothing greater about life than the
Speaker 1: ability to choose and if you fall off the wagon
Speaker 1: or you have a blip or a misstep, you know
Speaker 1: what you can do, Choose to be better the next time.
Speaker 1: This is something I'm trying my hardest to instilling my
Speaker 1: oldest son, Jackson, Our oldest son, Jackson, because he's the
Speaker 1: first of the boys, so all his brothers are watching him.
Speaker 1: It's like, yo, Okay, you had a bad day. You know, Okay,
Speaker 1: things didn't go right, but you know what you can
Speaker 1: do today. Choose to be better. Choose like you have
Speaker 1: to decide, like you you have to decide. It's like marriage.
Speaker 1: That's a big discipline, right, I'm choosing every day. That's
Speaker 1: probably my best discipline in the one I'm most disciplined with,
Speaker 1: and the one I want to be the most disciplined with.
Speaker 1: Its choosing you every day. That surpires discipline. Marriage is
Speaker 1: a discipline, just like we make this comparison time. Marriage
Speaker 1: is like veganism, Like there's so many different ways and
Speaker 1: walks of life. I chose this one. Let me work
Speaker 1: my heartest to be disciplined in this one, you know.
Speaker 1: And I think that's another reason why our marriage has
Speaker 1: been able to work, is because I'm extremely disciplined and
Speaker 1: you are extremely disciplined in the things that you want
Speaker 1: to do, and since we both want to be married,
Speaker 1: we exercise those disciplines daily. Daily helps become better people.
Speaker 1: Love that. Love that, And what's been coming in daily
Speaker 1: the listener letters, emails be coming in like every day,
Speaker 1: and we love it, and we love it so much
Speaker 1: that we're gonna take a break and come back and
Speaker 1: jump into those list the letters with y'all around. All right,
Speaker 1: we're back, let's dive right in. I'm a twenty eight
Speaker 1: year old male from the Midwest currently going through marital stress.
Speaker 1: My wife and I are on the brink of divorce
Speaker 1: because I refused to pay her mom for helping her
Speaker 1: with our children. While my wife is present and at
Speaker 1: home with our children. We both work. I make more
Speaker 1: money than my wife and take on more responsibility in
Speaker 1: our home financially, where I pay rent, bought my wife
Speaker 1: a car, pay for groceries and children's expenses, while my
Speaker 1: wife takes care of the utilities and her car. Note.
Speaker 1: My wife's mother, who was married and recently started working,
Speaker 1: made a decision to help us out with our children
Speaker 1: and didn't take a promotion to do so and work
Speaker 1: part time in exchange for her services. She asked to
Speaker 1: be paid one thousand dollars a month to watch our children.
Speaker 1: I explained to my wife that this isn't a favor
Speaker 1: or help, and that our future is being put on
Speaker 1: whold to take care of her mother. Essentially. My wife disagrees.
Speaker 1: I have been short on payments because I had a
Speaker 1: severe in injury that required surgery and was off for
Speaker 1: three months, not receiving my full salary, during which we moved,
Speaker 1: and I paid rent towards our current and former homes
Speaker 1: as well as paid movers. I've recently gotten back to work,
Speaker 1: and my wife, having our second child, acts that her
Speaker 1: mother be given something in exchange for coming by and
Speaker 1: helping her. When she presented me with the number that
Speaker 1: they agreed to, I told her I was unable to
Speaker 1: pay this, and I and was told that she wanted
Speaker 1: a divorce because her mother wasn't compensated. I love my
Speaker 1: wife and I don't want our marriage to end over
Speaker 1: something miniscule, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
Speaker 1: Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Get a divorce and
Speaker 1: get a new wife. What like, Like, what the fuck?
Speaker 1: What are you kidding me so she can marry her mom. Yeah,
Speaker 1: married your mom married mom. This might be the most
Speaker 1: I ever heard of my life. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: but did not for nothing know this. This comes back
Speaker 1: to this entitlement that a lot of people are talking years.
Speaker 1: So they y, you gotta gotta pay while paying the
Speaker 1: mortgage and the rent and bore her car because she
Speaker 1: pays utilities. And the agreement was for her to not
Speaker 1: take this promotion so she could quote unquote help. What
Speaker 1: happened you exactly what happened? This is, this is exactly
Speaker 1: what happens. The mom and the daughter got together. Oftentimes,
Speaker 1: like moms and daughters. Do you've known this. We've seen
Speaker 1: this on both sides of our family. Moms and the
Speaker 1: daughter got together and create a plan. This is what
Speaker 1: we're gonna do. We're gonna tell him that this is
Speaker 1: what we're doing. Right. I need help at home, and
Speaker 1: you don't want to work full time. You want to
Speaker 1: work part time. So if he pays you, it will
Speaker 1: help supplement your income and you can help me. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: they made all of these decisions without even asking or
Speaker 1: thinking about him. Where to do that at In the Midwest,
Speaker 1: they do that in divorce court, which is where you
Speaker 1: need to go, bro, because them chicks is not trying
Speaker 1: to be of service to you, not at all. Wow,
Speaker 1: It's just it's just a blake in disregard. I feel like,
Speaker 1: I know that's it hurt my my soul. Bro, this
Speaker 1: man breaking his bag and then she's gonna ask for
Speaker 1: a divorce because he won't pay her mom. Right, It
Speaker 1: almost i almost feel like she's trying to stiff farm.
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, you pay this money or else that
Speaker 1: her husband. It sounds like she's trying to walk right
Speaker 1: over him. No, Son, you're a leg injury. You're only
Speaker 1: getting paid a certain amount of your salary. Like we
Speaker 1: talked about this all the time. We talk about this
Speaker 1: all the time. It's hard to create context because we
Speaker 1: don't have all the information. So I'm not going to
Speaker 1: judge them when I'm judging like a motherfucker. That's wrong. Son.
Speaker 1: If Jackson was married and told me this would happen,
Speaker 1: I'd be like, all right, well let her get a divorce,
Speaker 1: because it's gonna happen. When they get a divorce, they
Speaker 1: both worked. She will not get spouse for support. Her
Speaker 1: mom's gonna have to figure out what they're gonna do.
Speaker 1: Because whatever money I was gonna pay you, now I'm
Speaker 1: gonna hire help for childcare. Because the fact that you
Speaker 1: came to me with ultimatum, pay my mom when we
Speaker 1: get a divorce is all wrong. That's not that. That's
Speaker 1: not a partnership. That's not a partnership at all. That
Speaker 1: person she's going to not take the promotion to help
Speaker 1: with the kids. That's not helping with the kids. You
Speaker 1: wanted to hire higher help, not help. Listen, and I
Speaker 1: say this because my mother in law helps us. She
Speaker 1: don't ask for a dime. She don't ask for a dime,
Speaker 1: and we don't ask her to pay a don She
Speaker 1: lives with us. She's been living with us for what
Speaker 1: three years now, just about almost. And you know what
Speaker 1: happens when you have family and y'all really love each other,
Speaker 1: y'all work ship out. No one's come with no ultimatums.
Speaker 1: We haven't. We didn't go to mom and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: we require you to work these many hours. Do this.
Speaker 1: She didn't come to us and say, listen, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: help you'all, y'all gotta pay me. That's wrong. You know,
Speaker 1: that's not a village, that's an employee and if it
Speaker 1: since if you're have an employee and hire someone, if
Speaker 1: that's going to be the case, that's gonna be the case.
Speaker 1: That's gotta be tight. Bro. Yeah, I feel bad, and
Speaker 1: you know what, I feel bad for two it's great.
Speaker 1: I feel bad for the kids because they probably love
Speaker 1: their grandparents a wow. And I will say this too,
Speaker 1: I do kind of feel bad for the wife. I
Speaker 1: feel like her mom is manipulating her, you know, like
Speaker 1: I feel like this is not something when you see
Speaker 1: things like this. This is not something the daughter says, hey, mamma,
Speaker 1: get this, and no, I feel like this is something
Speaker 1: the mom is probably yo, you should do this. I
Speaker 1: don't know why. It's something in me is just saying that.
Speaker 1: It's just feeling like that or the mom should be.
Speaker 1: If it's not that way, the mom should be. I
Speaker 1: guess you should know enough to be like, hey, girl,
Speaker 1: like I'm not trying to come between you and your husband,
Speaker 1: like you know, y'all figure this out an any hell,
Speaker 1: thank's got me trigger. The guys are are heavy in
Speaker 1: the listening letters today because we have our next Lets
Speaker 1: to let her another male go ahead, Hello Divina Cadeen.
Speaker 1: I'm a twenty two year old male. Your baby, what's up?
Speaker 1: Bro Um? I love the podcast. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: You guys are so insightful and inspiring to my life.
Speaker 1: My girlfriend and not have been in a relationship for
Speaker 1: one year and five months now. In congratulations. We first
Speaker 1: got together in January. That was right before the pandemic.
Speaker 1: That's what it says. From the first time we hung out,
Speaker 1: it was a mutual vibe that was undeniable. So fast
Speaker 1: forward a couple of months later, we ended up moving
Speaker 1: in together, and that's where problems start. Typically, that's where
Speaker 1: they start. I've been working for the US Postal Service
Speaker 1: as a mayor carrier for two years now, and my
Speaker 1: girlfriend is a licensed cosmetologist at twenty one years old.
Speaker 1: Needless to say, we are both very into our careers.
Speaker 1: But as a man, I was always taught that women
Speaker 1: are supposed to do certain things cleaning, cooking, et cetera.
Speaker 1: But through listening to the podcast, I've been taking initiative
Speaker 1: and started going against my teachings, which means coming home
Speaker 1: after my twelve hour shift of walking and delivering packages,
Speaker 1: I come home with my biggest smile, shower, cook, clean, kitchen,
Speaker 1: et cetera. After about a month now, I have stopped
Speaker 1: doing those things and she won't do them either, even
Speaker 1: if the little free time she does have, she chooses
Speaker 1: to ignore those things. Then when I go to ask
Speaker 1: her about it, she gets defensive and starts an argument.
Speaker 1: My question is what is the appropriate approach to this
Speaker 1: type of sysie wation without it costing our relationship. I
Speaker 1: really do love her, but I want to find ways
Speaker 1: to communicate my needs without belittling her and hers. First
Speaker 1: thing I will say, sir, is that you guys have
Speaker 1: only been together for a year. In five months, this
Speaker 1: process you're going through now is absolutely normal, and you
Speaker 1: just moved in together. So you're saying, right now, what's
Speaker 1: the appropriate approach? The appropriate approach is to continue to
Speaker 1: have conversations, but also realizing that when someone shows you
Speaker 1: who they are, believe them. You're never going to be
Speaker 1: able to conform someone into becoming a team player. Right.
Speaker 1: You said, based on your prior teachings, you expected that
Speaker 1: she should be cooking, cleaning, et cetera. That was a
Speaker 1: very male, chauvinistic view of the world. But you're also
Speaker 1: admitting that you had to change and you did change.
Speaker 1: At some point, she's gonna have to meet you at
Speaker 1: the same point in life and say, hey, if he's
Speaker 1: gonna put in work, I need to put in work
Speaker 1: as well. And she's going to have to choose to
Speaker 1: do that. You can't talk her into doing it. So
Speaker 1: once you express the things you want and the things
Speaker 1: you need, it is then up to her to decide
Speaker 1: to choose to be that for you. And if she doesn't,
Speaker 1: it is your fault if you stay there and demand
Speaker 1: her to do it, because now you're asking her to
Speaker 1: do something she doesn't want to do, and either one
Speaker 1: of you are going to be happy. There was that,
Speaker 1: and I was gonna say too, It's like maybe a
Speaker 1: good way to approach the situation because he said he
Speaker 1: doesn't want to belittle her. He wants to be able
Speaker 1: to communicate it. Say they, Okay, I know we're both
Speaker 1: working crazy hours. Right I come home at this time,
Speaker 1: you come home at that time. What days do you
Speaker 1: want to do dinner? Because if the days you do dinner,
Speaker 1: I'll clean up, or vice versa. You know, maybe that
Speaker 1: might be a way to develop some sort of strategy
Speaker 1: because living together for the first time, you just don't
Speaker 1: know how people function that that in itself is a shock.
Speaker 1: So learning the routines, um devising plans, trying to find
Speaker 1: the fun in doing it together may entice her to
Speaker 1: do that, because I would hope that she's a twenty
Speaker 1: one year old who can at least keep a home.
Speaker 1: You hope, you hope what I would. I wouldn't bank
Speaker 1: on it, but we would hope that she would be
Speaker 1: able to help to contribute to that for the comfort
Speaker 1: of both of you. This is this is my thing, right,
Speaker 1: and I'm just gonna speak to the men at this point. Right,
Speaker 1: it is not your responsibility to constantly jump through hoops
Speaker 1: to find a way to communicate your knees and wants
Speaker 1: to the women that you're dating. Right, It's both of
Speaker 1: your responsibility. So if you come into this saying what
Speaker 1: can I do, and if you're the only one constantly
Speaker 1: doing work, you're gonna find yourself play kating to that woman,
Speaker 1: and then you're gonna find yourself exhausted because if you
Speaker 1: continue to play kate, she's gonna know that she can
Speaker 1: get things her way if she if she just keep
Speaker 1: telling you do it this way. Try. Kennin and I
Speaker 1: went through this. We went through this in a lot
Speaker 1: of aspects of our life where con I would say
Speaker 1: we can what do you want me to do? And
Speaker 1: she would be like, we'll try this, and I would
Speaker 1: try that and it's still didn't get no change. She said,
Speaker 1: we'll try it this, and it's still don't get no change.
Speaker 1: But finally got changed with me saying Babe, this is
Speaker 1: what I really need or want. You can need to
Speaker 1: do it or you can't, but don't try to manipulate
Speaker 1: me to doing it the way you want it so
Speaker 1: that you can still do what you want to do.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. You're not do what I said,
Speaker 1: but instead cutting to the chase and say this is
Speaker 1: what I need, This is what we should do. Yes,
Speaker 1: Because we live in a world where there are a
Speaker 1: lot of social conditioning that doesn't help either party. For example,
Speaker 1: his mindset of thinking that women are supposed to cook
Speaker 1: and clean into our stuff is just sucking wrong. Like
Speaker 1: we've talked about this for years, like there are no
Speaker 1: there are no more gender roles in like both men
Speaker 1: and women work. Whoever is best app to get whatever
Speaker 1: done in that moment should get it done, Like we've
Speaker 1: already talked about that right, But also we have to
Speaker 1: stop this conditioning that a man is supposed to bend
Speaker 1: his will for the things he wanted need to make
Speaker 1: his wife happy. The whole happy wife, happy life thing
Speaker 1: is not real. It's supposed to be a partnership. She
Speaker 1: should be happy, he should be happy. He can't always
Speaker 1: tiptoe about how he wanted things to make her feel better.
Speaker 1: That's all that's gonna do is continue to push the
Speaker 1: social conditioning that is happy wife, happy life as completely
Speaker 1: get that. I guess I was considering their age, and
Speaker 1: they're young, and they're new and things are still fresh,
Speaker 1: and they're looking for ways to approach conversation, and if
Speaker 1: one tends to get more defensive than the other, sometimes
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking that that might be a lighter way
Speaker 1: to approach the topic to then dive deeper. No, I
Speaker 1: I agree with you. But but my thing is is
Speaker 1: that we've often talked about how for for men and women,
Speaker 1: especially in this day and age, men and women who
Speaker 1: don't come from traditional households haven't seen couples successfully communicate.
Speaker 1: And a lot of times from men, we're told, you know,
Speaker 1: don't say that, or don't say it that way, and
Speaker 1: then it's kind of like, well, realistically, what you're saying
Speaker 1: to me is that what I feel and what I
Speaker 1: need doesn't matter. But let me find a way to
Speaker 1: make you feel better about the things you're not giving me.
Speaker 1: You understand what I'm saying. I get that the approach
Speaker 1: sometimes is needs to be massage depending on the situation,
Speaker 1: and that's fair. But we are also proponents of being
Speaker 1: brutally honest. And that's my point. It's my point is
Speaker 1: is that is the approach only supposed to be taking
Speaker 1: when it's a husband talking to a wife or a
Speaker 1: man talking to her. No, no no, no, I don't know,
Speaker 1: and you know, and and I'm just saying, because he's
Speaker 1: a young man speaking about a woman, I think the
Speaker 1: approach is important, but it's also more important that you
Speaker 1: get your point across. Don't lose your point so focused
Speaker 1: on the approach that you're really placating her, and then
Speaker 1: you can't get upset at her if you never got
Speaker 1: your point across because you were so focused on not
Speaker 1: hurting her feelings. That tends to happen with a lot
Speaker 1: of young men. And this is you know, I got
Speaker 1: my young men's group that I talked to with no, absolutely,
Speaker 1: don't you speaking for that perspective being a young man.
Speaker 1: But I'm thinking in the reverse, if we were a
Speaker 1: young woman speaking to a young man, like how you
Speaker 1: say approaching it, because it's like we're trying to tiptoe
Speaker 1: around this happy wife, happy life. But if it's a man,
Speaker 1: um if it's a woman to speaking to a man,
Speaker 1: sometimes we tiptoe because it's like, okay, male ego, like
Speaker 1: we don't want to bruise that, so we're trying to
Speaker 1: find a way to approach the conversation without it. I
Speaker 1: do hear what you're saying. But if you listen to
Speaker 1: how I speak to the female the women who write
Speaker 1: in for listening to letters, I tell them the same
Speaker 1: same thing. I tell them, you got to talk to
Speaker 1: and be honest, tell them what you need. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna tell him to be careful with your approach and
Speaker 1: then tell women, no, tell them what you need, because
Speaker 1: then that goes to the whole happy wife, happy life things.
Speaker 1: For me, it's especially early on be who you want
Speaker 1: to be for the rest of your life when you
Speaker 1: meet someone, because if you plan on tiptoe one for
Speaker 1: the rest of your life, then that's fine. You're prepared
Speaker 1: to tiptoe, but if you plan on being direct, think
Speaker 1: about how many people say to me. I can't believe
Speaker 1: how Devot talks to Cade and how many men I
Speaker 1: can't believe how she talks to Devout. I know you
Speaker 1: can't believe it because you see two people who have
Speaker 1: found a way to communicate open, honestly and in real time.
Speaker 1: And it helps us because I never have to sift
Speaker 1: through the fog to find out what could be the same.
Speaker 1: You came to me the other day. We were in
Speaker 1: the theater. I was on the phone with Donorra having
Speaker 1: a business conversation. Kadin came in trying to fix something
Speaker 1: for the laptop, and she just started talking to the
Speaker 1: person in the laptop while I was on the phone.
Speaker 1: So in jest, I was talking to Donorra and I
Speaker 1: was just like, yo, you know, Codeine is doing something,
Speaker 1: so whatever she's doing is more important and I'm doing
Speaker 1: so let me go, let me leave. And right afterwards
Speaker 1: Codeine was standing there with just like, I don't appreciate
Speaker 1: you saying that to Donorra, making it seem as if
Speaker 1: I don't care about your thoughts. We didn't have a
Speaker 1: case a conversation about how you approached me, it was
Speaker 1: more like, well, why do you feel that way? You
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying, because to me it wasn't hey baby,
Speaker 1: Just just so you know, I didn't like how you
Speaker 1: know you came to me. You said, um, I don't
Speaker 1: appreciate you saying that I didn't care. Now, somebody else
Speaker 1: probably would be like, wow, look how she checked it out.
Speaker 1: Think about checking say how you feel, honestly, openly and
Speaker 1: in real time, so we can fix the problem. That's it.
Speaker 1: And if y'all want to have longevity and relationships, it
Speaker 1: got to be like that both ways. Men and women. Women,
Speaker 1: you got a problem with your man, tell them, don't
Speaker 1: worry about his ego, because if you're constantly worried about
Speaker 1: his ego, you're not going to get the things that
Speaker 1: you need. Man, tell her, if you're constantly worried about
Speaker 1: her being defensive in her attitude, you're not going to
Speaker 1: get what you need because you're going to constantly be
Speaker 1: play kating. So I'm going to be whatever good for
Speaker 1: the goose is good for the gain, whether it's a
Speaker 1: male or female writing in So love that, love it
Speaker 1: all right, y'all keep writing in and if you want
Speaker 1: to best featured as a listener letter, you can email
Speaker 1: us at data as Advice at gmail dot com. That's right,
Speaker 1: that's d E A D A S S A d
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. All right,
Speaker 1: when it comes to discipline, you want to wrap the
Speaker 1: show up at the moment of truth time. This is
Speaker 1: my moment of truth, I said earlier. Discipline, not desire,
Speaker 1: determines your destination. But there are ways for you to
Speaker 1: work on being more disciplined person. Period, Get an accountability partner,
Speaker 1: Practice doing things that you don't want to do, and
Speaker 1: practice doing them over a long period of time so
Speaker 1: that when the moment arise in your life, when you're
Speaker 1: trying to take that next level and adversity hits, you
Speaker 1: have the discipline in place to continue to move forward
Speaker 1: so that you can get what you want and what
Speaker 1: you need out of life instead of accepting whatever comes
Speaker 1: because that's the easiest thing for you to do when
Speaker 1: that life happened to you, folks, um And then for me,
Speaker 1: I think, my, my, my, My moment of truth is um.
Speaker 1: No one knows you more than you, and sometimes I
Speaker 1: feel like we need to get out of our own
Speaker 1: way because you pretend is if you have the discipline,
Speaker 1: and you pretend as if, oh the motivation, the motivation
Speaker 1: is here. It's not there. That's not motivating that you
Speaker 1: know yourself best, stop all the bullshit. You know what's
Speaker 1: going to be required to get you what you need
Speaker 1: to get to, what's going to be required for that discipline.
Speaker 1: The sooner you realize that, and the sooner you're implement
Speaker 1: things and put things into place to allow you to
Speaker 1: be disciplined, the faster you'll achieve the things that you want.
Speaker 1: I need to listen to my own moment because just
Speaker 1: the ship that just be happening and the stuff that
Speaker 1: I'd be saying to y'all, and then it clicks when
Speaker 1: I'm sitting here, and then I just have to implement
Speaker 1: it in life. Okay, so we know we're in the
Speaker 1: same boat sintimes. Okay, we're in the same boat. And
Speaker 1: when one thing you've learned about that it's never too
Speaker 1: late to get started, never too late to get started.
Speaker 1: Do it now? Do it now? All right? I love that.
Speaker 1: All Right, y'all, be sure to follow us on social
Speaker 1: media if you're not already dead. As the podcast, I'm Cadine,
Speaker 1: I am and I am devout, And if you're listening
Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate you and subscribe.
Speaker 1: Scribe and it's not too late to tell a friend, y'all,
Speaker 1: you know, tell your friends, and tell your mama. Whoever,
Speaker 1: we love to listen. Dead as dead Ass is a
Speaker 1: production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced
Speaker 1: by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social
Speaker 1: media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a
Speaker 1: Thing is wi I