1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:03,600 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse, 3 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:15,360 Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care. 4 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,280 Speaker 1: I was almost a year into sobriety, and man, what 5 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:24,079 Speaker 1: a year that was. 6 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:26,120 Speaker 2: I'd survive a. 7 00:00:26,079 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 1: Heartbreak with my ninety day crush, George. I'd fallen in 8 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:35,959 Speaker 1: love with the program, made amends, taken responsibility. I'd repaired 9 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 1: relationships that were important to me where I least started to. 10 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 1: I had taken some big steps in better understanding myself, 11 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,240 Speaker 1: and now I was about to get my one year chip. 12 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 1: But working at sobriety doesn't last a week, or a month, 13 00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:00,560 Speaker 1: or even a year. Every single day is work of 14 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:04,680 Speaker 1: building and working the muscle of self reflection, honesty and strength. 15 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: In those weeks, months, days, we're not happy all the time. 16 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:14,760 Speaker 1: I still found myself struggling to find happiness and searching 17 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:21,839 Speaker 1: for quick fixes, outside fixes, even in sobriety, especially in sobriety, 18 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:29,759 Speaker 1: they're really really hard to turn down. I'm emmy, and 19 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 1: this is crumbs. It's to show about the things we 20 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,960 Speaker 1: settle for and the bits of ourselves that make us 21 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 1: who we are this season my sobriety journey in twelve steps, 22 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 1: Step ten discipline this episode, my struggle to stay happy 23 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:07,200 Speaker 1: is sometimes harder than staying sober. On September third of 24 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:11,360 Speaker 1: two thousand and eight, I had a birthday party, a 25 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:17,200 Speaker 1: one year sober birthday party. I made a guest list, 26 00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:20,040 Speaker 1: invited all of my friends from the program. 27 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,639 Speaker 2: I invited my family members whoever. 28 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,400 Speaker 1: I was close to, my friend Natalie, who made some 29 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:31,440 Speaker 1: hallopenia paupers. Someone bought me a cake. My sponsor showed 30 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: up with a card. Anyone near chip. My friends shut 31 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:41,200 Speaker 1: up with birthday gifts. My grandma Mamilita offered to make 32 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,360 Speaker 1: them a list for everyone. That's a big deal. She 33 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:48,240 Speaker 1: doesn't just cook them a list for no reason. She 34 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 1: wanted to be part of the celebration. She knew nothing 35 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 1: about twelve step recovery. She didn't know my friends, but 36 00:02:56,200 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 1: she wanted to be part of it. I intend knew 37 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,640 Speaker 1: that I was sober, she knew that I was going 38 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 1: to a twelve step program. She was happy, she was 39 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: relieved that I was. I'm pretty sure I had already 40 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,200 Speaker 1: made an amends to her. We were in a better place, 41 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,640 Speaker 1: and I think she really respected this decision that I made. 42 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,839 Speaker 1: I had slowly come back into my sister's lives kind 43 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 1: of less this responsible person, and things were going good. 44 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:29,480 Speaker 1: By this time. I'm living on my own. I have 45 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:34,399 Speaker 1: my own apartment in Hillcrest. It's a one bedroom apartment 46 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 1: and it's around the corner from where I go to 47 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 1: my twelve set meetings. I had been working at the 48 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: phone company for about eight years now, and I'm not 49 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: loving it. One of my friends in the program was 50 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:53,240 Speaker 1: going to UCSD and he said, you know what, you 51 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:57,120 Speaker 1: can go to school too. Thought was overwhelming to me. 52 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,960 Speaker 1: At first, I thought I was toold to start up. 53 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: But I started taking these classes in the evenings on 54 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,400 Speaker 1: the weekend. All the classes that I had dropped because 55 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:13,080 Speaker 1: I was out partying. I took all sorts of classes. 56 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: But I did have one psychology course that I loved. 57 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,120 Speaker 1: I loved it so much, in fact, that I changed 58 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:21,599 Speaker 1: my major to psychology and took as many psych courses 59 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:26,679 Speaker 1: as I could. When I was going through my heartbreak 60 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 1: at ninety days, I wanted to get out of San 61 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:33,159 Speaker 1: Diego and run to La but I promised myself and 62 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,279 Speaker 1: my fellowship that I'd wait a year. First and here 63 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 1: I was. A year later, my dream of moving to 64 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 1: Los Angeles kind of dissipated. I was busy, had a 65 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:51,560 Speaker 1: very full life. I was back at work making good money. 66 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 1: I was in school, busy with homework, going to meetings. 67 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: I wasn't distracting myself with crushes. 68 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:05,839 Speaker 2: This time I realized that George, the guy who. 69 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,120 Speaker 1: Led me on when I was a newcomer to program 70 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:11,839 Speaker 1: that I got sober at, wasn't really what I wanted. 71 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 1: The more sober I was, the sayer I was, and 72 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 1: the more that I saw his flaws that I could 73 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 1: not see when I had ninety days sober. It's interesting 74 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 1: because the things that attracted me about George are that 75 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 1: he represented some sort of stability. Fast forward to a 76 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:38,840 Speaker 1: year later. I'm stable, I'm independent, I'm doing all those things. 77 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,680 Speaker 2: I didn't need George for that. I did that on 78 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:43,039 Speaker 2: my own. 79 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 1: It was meetings, work, school, more meetings, fellowship. Everything was 80 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:56,919 Speaker 1: always so planned out, very disciplined. At this point in 81 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,840 Speaker 1: my sobriety, discipline was the thing I needed to focus on. 82 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:04,040 Speaker 1: I had to stay honest with myself, stay holding that 83 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:08,359 Speaker 1: slippery fish really tight. I'd been building that muscle for 84 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:15,640 Speaker 1: a year but something was still off. I've always suffered 85 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,719 Speaker 1: from some sort of depression. I actually started seeing a 86 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:26,280 Speaker 1: psychologist before I got sober. There were some things that 87 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:31,159 Speaker 1: I was working out with him of my childhood, my 88 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 1: sexual traumas, why I was so frigid when people would 89 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,000 Speaker 1: touch me, and he helped me work out a lot 90 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 1: of things, yet I still wasn't happy. He referred me 91 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:51,200 Speaker 1: to a psychiatrist, who then gave me psychments antidepressants. I 92 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,080 Speaker 1: always had an issue with depression since I was a 93 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:58,680 Speaker 1: young kid. Before I even started to drink heavily or 94 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:03,360 Speaker 1: do any drugs, I've always suffered from depression. I had 95 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 1: my first suicide at TEMP when I was fourteen. I 96 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 1: had been on and off of psychments for years. A 97 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: lot of my hospitalizations were alcohol related, but that's not 98 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: the entire source of my depression. So even now with 99 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,080 Speaker 1: one year of sobriety, it was still something that I 100 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:30,800 Speaker 1: was working on. The only issue with that is that 101 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 1: I was gaining a lot of weight, which was not new. 102 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: Let's get one thing straight. I've never been thin. I 103 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:46,040 Speaker 1: grew up a chubby baby. I was a chebby toddler. 104 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: I was a chebby kid. I always got made fun of. 105 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: I was called Dumbo because I was chubby and I 106 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,840 Speaker 1: had big years, or I was called Buddha because I 107 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 1: was fat. When I hit puberty, I thought I would 108 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 1: slim down a little bit like some of my classmates. 109 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 2: That is not what happened. 110 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,560 Speaker 1: So when I got to high school, I convinced Ma 111 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:18,240 Speaker 1: Militia to take me to an endocrinologist. The doctor prescribed 112 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:23,960 Speaker 1: me fen tomine fem fenn. It's basically speed. It's a 113 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:30,560 Speaker 1: weight loss pill, and it's very dangerous. I remember when 114 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,560 Speaker 1: people started talking about the fenn Fenn controversy. Eighteen million 115 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,920 Speaker 1: prescriptions were written last year for fen fen. 116 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 2: It's called the Wonder pills. What some people call it 117 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,719 Speaker 2: a prescription or disaster. 118 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,040 Speaker 1: A loss that has been filed against the makers of 119 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,719 Speaker 1: the didrect fen Fen. This after last week when the 120 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: Foodn't Drug Administration recommended that the drug be recalled studies 121 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:59,040 Speaker 1: connected to heart problems. Here's a fourteen year old kid 122 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:04,360 Speaker 1: taking enter me and I started getting heart palpitations, but 123 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 1: at the time it felt worth it. I lost forty pounds, 124 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:14,559 Speaker 1: I felt better, I felt more attractive, I felt like 125 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: I looked more like my classmates. This was a different time, 126 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,920 Speaker 1: and if I could go back and tell that kid 127 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: that you are perfect as you are, I would. But 128 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:30,319 Speaker 1: back then there was a lot of bulling. I had 129 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,959 Speaker 1: a cousin who would tell me that I was fat, 130 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,440 Speaker 1: and she would tell me that people do not like 131 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,360 Speaker 1: to be around fat people, and she would tell me 132 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:43,240 Speaker 1: that fat people sink. I felt like there was something 133 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:47,040 Speaker 1: wrong with me. Back then, the culture was so different. 134 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 1: I remember the things I'd hear on the radio on 135 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 1: my way to school, watching those late night infomercials that 136 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:59,120 Speaker 1: were always playing for weight loss programs. Everyone wants to 137 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: listening and fast on Hennipeg. I lost eighty pounds in 138 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:06,880 Speaker 1: six months, use all the way you want, just for 139 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: a one time service feet of ninety nine ninety nine. 140 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,360 Speaker 1: I find myself looking at how many funds and I go, 141 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 1: who is this BAC girl? It's all I think about. 142 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,240 Speaker 2: I something about it. 143 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:22,439 Speaker 1: Special Jane was the answer on television and shows and movies. 144 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,960 Speaker 1: Thin was beautiful, beautiful was thin, and that really was 145 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:31,480 Speaker 1: damaging sex and the city. I hate my thighs. I 146 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: can't even open up a magazine without thinking. 147 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 2: By Spy Spies Bridget Jones, Diary. 148 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,679 Speaker 1: December twenty fifth weight one hundred and forty pounds plus 149 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 1: forty two mince pies. There was constantly stuff on the 150 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: news about the obese city epidemic. It's a silent disease 151 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:53,520 Speaker 1: that's sweeping the nation. Ob City fifteen percent of kids 152 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:57,800 Speaker 1: fall into this really overweight obese category for overweighteens, no 153 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,960 Speaker 1: measure is too extreme, and there was just a lot 154 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 1: of hate towards people that were bigger. So obviously, hearing 155 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 1: this as a kid, I would do anything to be skinny. 156 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 1: I felt like there was something wrong with me. My 157 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: heart palpitations kept getting worse and worse, so I stopped 158 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:23,360 Speaker 1: taking themfin I started gaining a little of the weight back, 159 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:30,880 Speaker 1: and that scared me. My girlfriends and I my friends 160 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 1: from high school. We heard of a doctor in Tijuana 161 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:41,560 Speaker 1: who would prescribe you retechs. Botechs is illegal to sound 162 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:47,560 Speaker 1: the US. Gretltics to going my appetite. It was a 163 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: huge appetite suppressant and it gave you energy. The problem 164 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:59,280 Speaker 1: was that there were side effects like heart palpitations. Again, 165 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:05,600 Speaker 1: drelotecks also contributes to depression, but for fifty dollars you 166 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 1: can get a two week supply across the border and 167 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,720 Speaker 1: we ditch school and date these field trips to get Ridottecks. 168 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,280 Speaker 1: My relationship with weight has always been a tricky one. 169 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: It's always up and down. Looking back, I put my 170 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,800 Speaker 1: body through so much in an effort to control it. 171 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:30,800 Speaker 1: First it's fen fin, then I'm off dretticks, then I'm off. 172 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:35,840 Speaker 1: My weight went down and up, down and up, and 173 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 1: I went on crazy diets, different ways to starve myself. 174 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,840 Speaker 1: And my friends were all doing it, and it was 175 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:47,280 Speaker 1: like a group project. We would research any possible way 176 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: to lose weight, like this one surgery where they sew 177 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:54,559 Speaker 1: a patch on the top of your tongue so that 178 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:59,480 Speaker 1: you can't eat. It's too painful carrying me say that 179 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 1: out loud. That is fucking insane. But at fifteen years old, 180 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 1: what do we know. We wanted to lose weight so 181 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: much that we actually consider this. After high school, there 182 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,200 Speaker 1: was a period where one of my friends and I 183 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,679 Speaker 1: would do meth every now and then with the purpose 184 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:30,240 Speaker 1: of getting skinny. We just wanted to lose weight. There 185 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,040 Speaker 1: is a cycle that I've always gone through. You lose weight, 186 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 1: you feel great, You gain weight, you feel horrible. This 187 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:43,800 Speaker 1: was just a crazy contributor to my depression, because when 188 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,439 Speaker 1: your clothes doesn't fit, or you look in the mirror 189 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,680 Speaker 1: and you don't like what you see, it really fucks 190 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 1: with you. It made me feel like that little kid 191 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:57,640 Speaker 1: again being told that everyone hates fat people. Everyone hates me. 192 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:08,920 Speaker 1: I hate me. So after I'm a year sober, I'm 193 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:12,200 Speaker 1: starting to gain weight because of the psychments that I'm on. 194 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:17,120 Speaker 1: I started getting obsessed about my weight. I was going 195 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:22,280 Speaker 1: to the weight management programs through my provider for literally 196 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:26,640 Speaker 1: six months, I only consume liquids. I lost fifty pounds. 197 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: Optifast is what it was called. I did everything I 198 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 1: did weight watchers Jenny Craig. Optifast meda fast nutrient system. 199 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 1: I tried everything and some would work, Yes, they would work, 200 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,760 Speaker 1: but then I'd gain it all back. I wanted a 201 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 1: permanent solution. And at the phone company, a lot of 202 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,960 Speaker 1: my coworkers are getting gastric bypasses. 203 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,280 Speaker 2: This was around the year two thousand. 204 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,560 Speaker 1: And nine, and I'm telling you, the surgery was everywhere. 205 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:04,000 Speaker 1: Gastric bypass the hot new surgery has emerged as the 206 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,160 Speaker 1: last stitch effort for the dangerously opes. It limits what 207 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,080 Speaker 1: a person can eat by stitching the upper part of 208 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,920 Speaker 1: the stomach, clothes or the number of Americans getting surgery 209 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 1: has increased tenfold in the last decade, and surgeons say 210 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:20,280 Speaker 1: this is just the beginning. One of my coworkers tells 211 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 1: me that when she did her last way in with 212 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:27,680 Speaker 1: her doctor, she wore ankle weights under her pants to 213 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 1: meet the weight criteria to have the procedure. That's how 214 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:35,600 Speaker 1: bad people wanted it, and it was working. My coworkers 215 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:40,040 Speaker 1: were getting really thin and then going across to Mexico 216 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 1: to get mommy makeovers, lipol section, tummy tugs, implants, but lifts. 217 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:52,080 Speaker 1: Everyone was doing it. They were losing weight, shopping for 218 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:56,640 Speaker 1: new clothes. They were happy. So I go see my 219 00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,200 Speaker 1: doctor and I ask them if I would be a 220 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:09,680 Speaker 1: candidate for a gastric bypass. I qualified for the surgery. 221 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:11,480 Speaker 2: Basically, what they. 222 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 1: Do is they make a new smaller stomach by dividing 223 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,200 Speaker 1: the top of the stomach from the rest of it. 224 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,080 Speaker 1: Then they connect that smaller stomach back to your intestine. 225 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,040 Speaker 1: They told me that my stomach would be the size 226 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 1: of a golf ball. They told me that my relationship 227 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 1: with food was going to change forever, and I was excited. 228 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:36,520 Speaker 1: About that no more crazy diets. My body would force 229 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,920 Speaker 1: me to stop eating when it felt full. I thought 230 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,800 Speaker 1: about how skinny I was going to get, and to me, 231 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: that meant happiness. During this time, while I waited the surgery, 232 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,600 Speaker 1: I was prepping for it, and that meant going to 233 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:58,080 Speaker 1: educational classes seeing an attritionist. They told me that I 234 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 1: could never drink so that I couldn't eat popcorn. I'd 235 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,400 Speaker 1: have to stop eating fatty and sugary foods, all great 236 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,840 Speaker 1: things that I love. If I did eat this stuff, 237 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: I would get really sick. It's called dumping syndrome. You 238 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:19,080 Speaker 1: can high start hyperventilating, you start getting the sweats, you 239 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,399 Speaker 1: get into the fetal position, and you're like it's Sometimes 240 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,640 Speaker 1: you just automatically throw up. Sometimes you can't. You don't 241 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 1: feel better until like your stomach emptied. It takes a while, 242 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:31,960 Speaker 1: but I was willing to do whatever I needed to 243 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:41,160 Speaker 1: do to get skinny. Days leading up to the surgery, 244 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,720 Speaker 1: I was nervous. It was a big surgery, and even 245 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:49,359 Speaker 1: though they said it was a very safe surgery, that 246 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 1: it was laparoscopic they would only poke four holes in 247 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:57,560 Speaker 1: your stomach, I was still nervous. This was my first surgery. Ever, 248 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,880 Speaker 1: the day of surgery, none of my thought that drove 249 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:10,840 Speaker 1: me to the hospital. I remember laying in that hospital room. 250 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 1: It was so cold, and I could see a bright 251 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:18,120 Speaker 1: light in front of me. The anteccologist put a mask 252 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: on me, told me to close my eyes, and asked 253 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:31,359 Speaker 1: me to count to ten, one, two, three or five. 254 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 2: I passed out. 255 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 1: When I came to, I was in the worst pain 256 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: I had ever been in. Whatever painments they had given 257 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:52,280 Speaker 1: me were not working. I was yelling for the nurse, 258 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:57,200 Speaker 1: and finally they came and gave me some pain meds. 259 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:02,120 Speaker 1: What happened is the doctor underestimated the size of my stomach, 260 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:09,840 Speaker 1: and so instead of having four laparoscopic holes, I had eight. 261 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:15,480 Speaker 1: My surgery went longer than it was supposed to because 262 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:22,320 Speaker 1: of that complication. The next morning, I woke up with 263 00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:26,399 Speaker 1: a fever. I was in the hospital room, and my 264 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:31,040 Speaker 1: fever was so high I think I was delirious, and 265 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:35,680 Speaker 1: I was an excruciating pain. I had developed an infection. 266 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 1: I was hospitalized for two weeks. My memory is a 267 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,560 Speaker 1: little fuzzy, but I know family members came to visit me. 268 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:46,880 Speaker 2: Even my mom showed up. 269 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,239 Speaker 1: The plan was to get follow up surgeries after this 270 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:56,120 Speaker 1: gastric bypass, after I got skinny. But I got so 271 00:19:56,160 --> 00:20:00,400 Speaker 1: scared from that infection that I thought maybe I just shouldn't. 272 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:05,359 Speaker 1: I felt like I had done too much already, like 273 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,600 Speaker 1: I was pushing the limits of what my body could handle. 274 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,320 Speaker 1: Maybe it was PTSD lying in the hospital bed from 275 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:16,159 Speaker 1: the days I'd come from a blackout and find myself 276 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,680 Speaker 1: near death, attached to machines, talking to doctors about my 277 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:25,120 Speaker 1: liver shutting down. It's not that I regretted the surgery 278 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:29,000 Speaker 1: and the infection that it caused. It felt so overwhelmingly 279 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 1: necessary to lose the weight. I guess on some level 280 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,760 Speaker 1: I was doubting whether it was all really worth it. 281 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:41,520 Speaker 1: But lying there in the hospital room, as scared as 282 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,200 Speaker 1: I was, I thought it was part of the plan. 283 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,120 Speaker 1: I was going to be skinny now, and that would 284 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:53,360 Speaker 1: make me happy, joyous, and free. I wish I could 285 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 1: go back in time and tell that person, you don't 286 00:20:56,320 --> 00:21:00,720 Speaker 1: need to change anything about how you look. Doing the 287 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,200 Speaker 1: surgery was a lot about my appearance, But looking back, 288 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,359 Speaker 1: I'm happy that I did it. I think it was 289 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,440 Speaker 1: worth it for health reasons. My blood pressure is better 290 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,639 Speaker 1: now and I'm not as worried about my family's history 291 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:18,119 Speaker 1: with diabetes, but I also want to be honest about 292 00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:25,840 Speaker 1: the effects of the surgery. 293 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:29,840 Speaker 2: I was still a newcomer. 294 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,520 Speaker 1: I thought that if I was thin, if I look good, 295 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:39,159 Speaker 1: if I made enough money, then I'd be happy. But 296 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,720 Speaker 1: I was wrong. It was an inside job. I just 297 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,959 Speaker 1: didn't know it at the time. I'd hope being sober 298 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,919 Speaker 1: would solve all my problems, when it didn't. I was 299 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 1: trying these shortcuts to happiness surface level changes. Sobriety brought clarity, 300 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,960 Speaker 1: but I still had to figure out where to look 301 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,560 Speaker 1: with that new clear vision, and I'd been looking at 302 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:06,359 Speaker 1: the wrong stuff. I was looking at weight as a 303 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:09,439 Speaker 1: way to heal my relationship with myself, to search for 304 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:13,239 Speaker 1: more self love by fixing the quote unquote problem I 305 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,280 Speaker 1: saw with my body. But I was looking at the 306 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 1: shell of myself. I wasn't looking deep enough at who 307 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 1: I am, much further down underneath my skin and bones, 308 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,359 Speaker 1: in my soul. What's suppressed in there? What do I 309 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:33,120 Speaker 1: need to reckon with in order to continue the process 310 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:46,040 Speaker 1: of freeing myself. That's next time on Crumbs, Hey, listeners, 311 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,439 Speaker 1: There's a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in 312 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,879 Speaker 1: this show. If you are someone you know needs help, 313 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services 314 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,600 Speaker 1: Hotline at one eight hundred sixty sixty two four to three. 315 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:05,160 Speaker 1: They'll connect you with information and resources on treatment. There's 316 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,919 Speaker 1: also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at one eight hundred 317 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:14,600 Speaker 1: two seven three ta al K. Both are available twenty 318 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,399 Speaker 1: four seven. You don't have to be in crisis to 319 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,560 Speaker 1: reach out either. They're available to anyone who needs help. 320 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,480 Speaker 1: You can also reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline twenty 321 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,680 Speaker 1: four to seven at one eight hundred six five six 322 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:35,399 Speaker 1: four six seven three. Crumbs is a Somoto production in 323 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:40,399 Speaker 1: partnership with Ihartsmikultura Network and Trojan Horse Media. It's produced 324 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:45,080 Speaker 1: by Margaret Catcher and Patimei Ragunath and edited by Rodrigo Crespo. 325 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:47,119 Speaker 2: Original music by D. 326 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:51,760 Speaker 1: Peter Schmidt and engineering by manoel Barra Studio, Recording by 327 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:56,760 Speaker 1: JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. Executive produced by Conrol Byrne 328 00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:01,000 Speaker 1: and jesselb And Says for iHeart, Alex Fumeto, Elizabeth Shutzo 329 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:06,440 Speaker 1: and Margaret Catcher. For Trojan Horse, Camilla Vitriano, Joshua Weinstein, 330 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:11,960 Speaker 1: fer Sonoro and me emmiolea special thanks to Marina Cornella. 331 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:14,879 Speaker 2: Listen to Crumbs on 332 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:19,040 Speaker 1: The iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.