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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: So the whole idea behind the post was more about

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Speaker 2: learning exactly what it takes to make a healthy relationship work,

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Speaker 2: and learning the way that we have been conditioned in

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Speaker 2: society as black men and black women as well, and

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Speaker 2: learning the impact of influence and being able to submit

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Speaker 2: to each other's needs. Keyword to each other, it's sneat

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Speaker 2: versus always seeking confrontation as an agent of change, because

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Speaker 2: that just does not work.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Brussard, a

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Speaker 3: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker.

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Speaker 4: In a world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood.

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Speaker 4: Please join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything

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Speaker 4: from five roids to fake friends, and create a safe

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Speaker 4: space where black women can just be Hey, lady, it's

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Speaker 4: Terry here from the Cultivating her Space podcast. I'm hosting

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Speaker 4: a free podcasting masterclass where I'm going to teach you

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Speaker 4: how to create your impactful podcast and how you can

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Speaker 4: generate multiple streams of income. You can visit podcast with

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Speaker 4: Terry dot com to register for free. I hope to

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Speaker 4: see you there. All right, lady, today we have a

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Speaker 4: very special guest for you. So you were going to

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Speaker 4: want to grab your man, grab your partner, have on

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Speaker 4: your black homeboys. Tune in because it's about to go down, okay.

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Speaker 4: Max Stanley Cazo is a licensed mental health counselor with

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Speaker 4: a specialization in couples therapy and he's the owner of

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Speaker 4: Therapy Is for Everyone Counseling. Mac also specializes in a

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Speaker 4: fair recovery, porn addiction, and bringing the Baby Home. Mac

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Speaker 4: has been featured on a number of mainstream platforms sharing

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Speaker 4: his expertise around healthy relationships and black love. Mac is

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Speaker 4: a GOTMIN Level three trained GOMIN therapist and it's on

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Speaker 4: track to become the first black Mail Gotman certified therapist

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Speaker 4: on the East coast.

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Speaker 5: Shaw. All right, now, Mac, welcome to Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for having men. This was a great introduction.

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Speaker 2: Thank you again.

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Speaker 5: You're welcome. We're so excited for this conversation.

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Speaker 6: Yes we are.

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Speaker 7: And so we are going to start with the quote

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Speaker 7: of the day, which Mac will sound really familiar to

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Speaker 7: you because, like we said in the pre show, we

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Speaker 7: have been all up in your social media and we

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Speaker 7: have really been paying attention to the work that you're doing.

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Speaker 3: And so this quote of the day is your words.

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Speaker 3: A balanced and healthy relationship requires both men and women

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Speaker 3: to unlearn toxic masculinity and expectations and instead learn to

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Speaker 3: accept influence and submit to one another. Now I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: drop that right there, and then I'm gonna say it

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Speaker 3: again for the people in the back, because somebody didn't

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Speaker 3: hear this and they need to hear it. A balanced

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Speaker 3: and healthy relationship requires both men and women to unlearn

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Speaker 3: toxic masculinity and expectations and instead learn to accept influence

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Speaker 3: and submit to one another.

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Speaker 6: Oh man, that was good, right, Yes, I was good. Yes,

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Speaker 6: out the gate hitting them with the good stuff.

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Speaker 2: The good old is when I was back in my

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Speaker 2: prime on IG retired.

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Speaker 7: Now, well, if folks follow you on IG, then they

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Speaker 7: know that you are still putting out good content.

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Speaker 6: But when you think about this quote.

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Speaker 7: And what you meant by it, can you tell us more?

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Speaker 7: Because I know when I was looking through this that

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Speaker 7: there was more to it than just this one statement.

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Speaker 7: Can you share with our audience what inspired this statement.

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Speaker 2: I actually remember exactly where I was when I wrote that.

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Speaker 2: I was in the locker room of the gym in

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Speaker 2: my local gym gym. A number of people do do

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Speaker 2: not know that I am a therapist, while some know

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Speaker 2: right So when I entered, it was just a conversation

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Speaker 2: that was happening in front of me. I was like,

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Speaker 2: this is not okay, like as black men, because there

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Speaker 2: was a whole bunch of black men just like me,

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Speaker 2: just saying the darness things and sounding very toxic and

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Speaker 2: not being aware on how they continue to contribute to

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Speaker 2: the cycle of trauma that US black people tend to

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Speaker 2: experience in intimate relationships. So the whole idea behind the

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Speaker 2: post was more about learning exactly what it takes to

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Speaker 2: make a healthy relationship work. And learning the way that

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Speaker 2: we have been conditioned in society as black men and

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Speaker 2: black women as well, and learning the impact of influence

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Speaker 2: and being able to submit to each other's needs. Keyword

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Speaker 2: to each other, it's neat versus always seeking confortation as

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Speaker 2: an agent of change, because that just does not work.

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Speaker 5: Oh, that was a mouthful right there. And that s

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Speaker 5: word right that gives people up in arms. That's submit words.

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Speaker 5: So we wanted to dive back into that in a

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Speaker 5: little bit. But Matt first, tell us what is your

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Speaker 5: origins doory? How did you begin your journey work as

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Speaker 5: a therapist, a black male therapist? Like what a unicorn?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 2: It seems that right, there's only four percent of us, right,

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Speaker 2: I think, yeah.

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Speaker 6: It's a really small number.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. To me, it all started mainly in college.

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Speaker 2: I've always been curious in the world, in the world

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Speaker 2: of philosophy and psychology. I wanted to understand why did

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Speaker 2: I do the things that I did? Right? Why do

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Speaker 2: we behave in the manner that we do? And I've

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Speaker 2: always been interested in daity, whether it was back in

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Speaker 2: high school just having a book full full of pickup

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Speaker 2: lines and just trying them out during lunch or in college,

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Speaker 2: just trying to understand how to navigate the dating world.

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Speaker 2: So I've always been in that space. And then eventually

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Speaker 2: I got into a relationship with my now wife. We've

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Speaker 2: been together for about ten years now, and I was

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Speaker 2: in grad school for mental health. But in my relationship

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Speaker 2: I was looking for answers that no one else could

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Speaker 2: give me. I'll go to the older males like, bruh,

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Speaker 2: just be single, man, you won't need this. Your young man,

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Speaker 2: just froun the streets. I'll go to others in relationships.

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Speaker 2: They were their relationship was even more toxic than mine,

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Speaker 2: so they couldn't help as well. Right, I went through

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Speaker 2: the spiritual guides and in my vicinity, they also couldn't

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Speaker 2: give me answers. So eventually I took an elective course

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Speaker 2: on marriage and family and I was introduced to the

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Speaker 2: godment approach. And that's where I found my answers. It

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Speaker 2: was scientifically based. It was not an opinion, it was

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Speaker 2: not a perspective. It was science. And that day I

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Speaker 2: was induced to a few interventions and I was like,

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Speaker 2: oh my god, this is amazing. So I took those interventions.

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Speaker 2: I drove from Brooklyn to all the way to Long Island.

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Speaker 2: So that's about an hour drive to my girlfriend's house

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Speaker 2: because we're in the midst of a breakup. Because I

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Speaker 2: just didn't know how to be the man that she

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Speaker 2: needed or how to cultivate a culture of appreciation within

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Speaker 2: our relationship. I didn't know better, right, So I took

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Speaker 2: these interventions. I drove to her. We sat down in

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Speaker 2: the car for three hours and we just went over everything.

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Speaker 2: And after seeing how it worked, I'm like, Okay, cool,

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Speaker 2: I got the answers. Now I'm going to use my

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Speaker 2: privilege as a black man, so I have access to

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Speaker 2: all of this information that when I preview to and

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Speaker 2: I'm going to bring it back to the neighborhood. I'm

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Speaker 2: going to bring it back to my people. So that's

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Speaker 2: what started my rock as a black male couple.

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Speaker 7: Wow, okay, all right, I got I got a lot

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Speaker 7: of fun.

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Speaker 6: I mean, I don't do couples work. I s work.

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Speaker 6: Oh that's a real question. Right, that's a real question.

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Speaker 7: I don't do couples work, but I did take a

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Speaker 7: marriage and family therapy class. And yes, that Gottman method is.

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Speaker 2: The truth is Michael Jordan of couples Therapy.

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Speaker 6: It does wonders.

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Speaker 7: And so can you for the folks who don't know,

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Speaker 7: because I mean.

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Speaker 6: Really time and talk about it.

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Speaker 7: But like for the folks who aren't therapists or who

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Speaker 7: haven't been to couple's therapy, can you tell them what

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Speaker 7: the Goatment method is?

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Speaker 2: Oh, yes, it's the cheap code. I've been with my

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Speaker 2: wife going on ten years now. We haven't had a

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Speaker 2: conflict in over five to seven years. We've had disagreements

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Speaker 2: or we've never had a conflict. Right, differences are guaranteed.

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Speaker 2: Disagreements are guaranteed. A conflict is optional. A conflict is

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Speaker 2: your inability to communicate effectively. So which relates directly back

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Speaker 2: to the gotment approach. They studied couples for forty years.

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Speaker 2: Forty forty forty years, Right, I got a chance to

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Speaker 2: meet them in person and shake their hand and actually

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Speaker 2: have lunch with them and actually, you know, go over

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Speaker 2: their research, it's research base, it's been tested, and it's practical.

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Speaker 2: You want to learn how to communicate, here's what you

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Speaker 2: don't do, here's what you do instead. One to three.

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Speaker 2: It's the most practical, simplified approach to couples therapy because

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Speaker 2: it focuses on skills. That's it. It's not a referee.

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Speaker 2: They're not telling you what to do what not to do.

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Speaker 2: It's like, here's what you need in order to function

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Speaker 2: in a healthy relationship. Because if you think about it, right,

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Speaker 2: we all learn how to drive, right, we have to

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Speaker 2: go to school for our profession. We have to go

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Speaker 2: through a certain phase of getting knowledge for whatever that

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Speaker 2: we have to do. Or when it comes to relationship,

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Speaker 2: for some reason, we just feel like there's no education

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Speaker 2: that needs to take place. And believe it or not,

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Speaker 2: choosing a partner will be the biggest decision you will

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Speaker 2: make in your life. So it's very important that you

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Speaker 2: educate yourself on how to cultivate a relationship that's going

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Speaker 2: to last a lifetime.

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Speaker 5: That's powerful. I'm just taking in everything that you just shared,

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Speaker 5: so just don't mind us with the silence. I think

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Speaker 5: I'm just processing because this is.

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Speaker 3: New for me.

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Speaker 5: But Mac, we're seeing an increase. We're going to probably

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Speaker 5: come back to the gotman in a little bit and

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Speaker 5: a little bit, but we're seeing an increasing the number

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Speaker 5: of black men going to therapy.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 5: What can we do to encourage black men in our

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Speaker 5: lives who could benefit from therapy but are hesitant to

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Speaker 5: go or don't think they need to go, or maybe

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Speaker 5: they've had a bad experience with someone for and they're

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Speaker 5: like that old therapist I went to that didn't work out.

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Speaker 5: I'm done, you know what I mean?

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Speaker 6: What can we do?

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Speaker 2: So? I would say that the increase of black men

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Speaker 2: going to therapy has a lot to do with black

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Speaker 2: male representation being in that space.

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Speaker 7: Right.

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Speaker 2: Seeing a black man that looks like you, that talks

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Speaker 2: like you, who got braids, who's warning Jordan's to the

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Speaker 2: sessions right, who's listening to hip hop, who is comfortable

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Speaker 2: with you and understand your nuance? Is helps disarm the

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Speaker 2: concept of therapy, makes it more comfortable, makes you feel seen,

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Speaker 2: it makes you feel heard to a higher level. And

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Speaker 2: for couples in general, I would say that the biggest

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Speaker 2: hurdle to men coming to therapy is making the appointment.

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Speaker 2: So a lot of times, like I would get emails

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Speaker 2: or phone calls from the female partner saying, hey, we

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Speaker 2: want therapy, but I'm not sure if he's going to

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Speaker 2: be interested in it. And I always saying, book the

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Speaker 2: session and let me do what I do right, which

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Speaker 2: is engagement. What I've seen is that once the session

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Speaker 2: starts and they feel that space is safe and it's comfortable,

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Speaker 2: and then it's catered and they're being heard and listen to.

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Speaker 2: Now they're more interested in being present because for the

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Speaker 2: first time in their life, they have someone that's listening

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Speaker 2: to what they're saying. I've had I would say on average,

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Speaker 2: by session four or five, ninety percent of these black

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Speaker 2: men are crying in session because it's the first time

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Speaker 2: they're being heard. You're also teaching them how to recognize

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Speaker 2: their emotions, how to put it in words. Right now,

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Speaker 2: when I asked, how was your week? Was good? What

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Speaker 2: does good mean? So let's define that right, and also

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Speaker 2: teaching and coaching their partner on how to create a

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Speaker 2: space where these men can be heard right, not jumping

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Speaker 2: in when they are sharing what they have to say,

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Speaker 2: learning how to validate, learning, how to summarize what they

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Speaker 2: have shared, and at the end, asking them. Hey, do

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Speaker 2: you feel understood? Keyword? Do you feel understood? Yes? If no,

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Speaker 2: what did I miss?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 2: So, now I feel like us black man therapists were

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Speaker 2: playing a pivotal part in changing the narrative around black

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Speaker 2: men and creating a new generation of black men that

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Speaker 2: are better able to communicate, identify their feelings, and being

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Speaker 2: prone to share their emotional states and their emotional expressions

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Speaker 2: where they can be heard, listen to, and validated. And

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Speaker 2: I think that's what's going to change the cycle that

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Speaker 2: we have been experiencing.

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Speaker 5: It's so powerful, Yes, that is.

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Speaker 7: And so speaking of that cycle that we've been experiencing,

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Speaker 7: I think a lot of people might call that cycle

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Speaker 7: toxic masculinity. Correct, And so can you tell us for

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Speaker 7: those who aren't familiar or need clarification on what it

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Speaker 7: really is because sometimes we see that words in mental

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Speaker 7: health and psychology get tossed around in pop culture.

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Speaker 6: You get misused. Right?

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Speaker 7: Oh, yes, So can you clear up for the folks

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Speaker 7: what is toxic masculinity and how can black men define

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Speaker 7: masculinity for themselves? You started to talk about this and

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Speaker 7: your previous answer, can we elaborate that on that a

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Speaker 7: little bit more?

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Speaker 6: Yes?

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Speaker 2: So, what's my definition of toxic masculinity without googling it all, right,

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Speaker 2: I would say is taking advantage of the way that

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Speaker 2: society is catered to men and using those advantages to

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Speaker 2: continue to oppress women, to continue to label, to continue

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Speaker 2: to verbally, physically, sexually, spiritually attack women, instead of taking

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Speaker 2: accountability for our parts in the demise of healthy relationships nowadays. Right,

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Speaker 2: So to me, I think that US men need to

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Speaker 2: do a better job of defining masculinity not about being

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Speaker 2: hard or being gangster, or being an f boar or

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Speaker 2: having no emotions, but creating a space where we can

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Speaker 2: actually be honest, where we can be vulnerable, when we

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Speaker 2: can share what we're going through, where where it's okay

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Speaker 2: to cry and it's okay to actual help. And what

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Speaker 2: I found is those changes happen in relationships because if

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Speaker 2: you think about it, in the world, as a man,

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Speaker 2: your job is to be a breadwinner. It's to become

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Speaker 2: the man, right, the top dog, because out there in

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Speaker 2: society is survival of the fittest. So therefore you have

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Speaker 2: tunnel vision when it comes to your career. How can

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Speaker 2: I earn more? How can I increase my social status?

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Speaker 2: How can I become a powerful man. But in reality,

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Speaker 2: when you enter a relationship, you have to do the

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Speaker 2: complete opposite of that. Your tunnel vision ain't going to

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Speaker 2: work here. Being more potionally guarded or emotionally distanced distant

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Speaker 2: is not going to cut it in a relationship. You

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Speaker 2: actually have to be emotionally available. You have to be

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Speaker 2: able to express your emotions. You have to be able

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Speaker 2: to share feelings, all of the things that in the

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Speaker 2: world that are not welcomed. So a lot of times

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Speaker 2: the transformation for most men happen in a healthy relationship

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Speaker 2: because by me talking to you and feeling safe around you,

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Speaker 2: I can start to take off those masks. I can

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Speaker 2: start to undo my conditioning. I can start to remove

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Speaker 2: the cape that I'm forced to carry out in society.

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Speaker 2: It's the first time where I can be emotionally naked,

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Speaker 2: where I can actually hold me right, where I can

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Speaker 2: cry in your arms and feel safe doing so, and

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Speaker 2: for you not to weaponize that vulnerability against me. So

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Speaker 2: it's a two parts. One is the men taking those steps,

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Speaker 2: but secondly is for their partner to also know how

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Speaker 2: to respond when those steps are being taken, how to

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Speaker 2: champion it, how to encourage it, versus reponizing it.

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Speaker 5: That is so impointant. I totally understand where you're coming from.

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Speaker 5: My next question as you were saying that is, I

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Speaker 5: think about what some women may have been taught growing up.

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Speaker 5: And I'm sure you've heard this, Mac, and you're working

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Speaker 5: down you probably have two whereas like the women sometimes right,

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Speaker 5: this is a stereotype. But some women want a bad boy, right,

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Speaker 5: But you want them to open up and be vulnerable.

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Speaker 5: But how can a woman be equipped and this is

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Speaker 5: of course in a heterosexual relationship, right, how can a

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Speaker 5: woman be equipped to support a man being vulnerable when

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Speaker 5: she's always been taught it. I need my man to

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Speaker 5: be strong and he needs to be you know, macho

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Speaker 5: and all that. They want the bad boy, they want

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Speaker 5: the you know, the kind of roughnet guy. But how

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Speaker 5: can she want him to be vulnerable? How do we

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Speaker 5: handle that disconnective wanting him to be vulnerable than not

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Speaker 5: knowing how to handle it when he is vulnerable?

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Speaker 2: Right? Yes, that's a great question, right, And we should

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Speaker 2: also demystify that because in a lot of ways, when

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Speaker 2: a woman say I want a bad boy, what she's

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Speaker 2: really saying is I need a man that can make

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Speaker 2: me feel safe in his presence if anything were to happen,

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Speaker 2: it can protect me. Right When a woman say, I

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Speaker 2: need a man that's six feet tall, because that's their

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Speaker 2: definition of safety. Someone who's taller than me appears stronger

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Speaker 2: than me, so they can protect me. I need a

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Speaker 2: man that's making six figures, that's financially stable. That's what

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Speaker 2: that means to me because in my experiences, I may

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Speaker 2: have dealt with past partners that have taken advantage of

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Speaker 2: me financially, or I was raised in a household where

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Speaker 2: the finances were very low, so I never felt safe

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Speaker 2: and that created traumatic experiences for me.

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Speaker 6: Right.

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Speaker 2: So a lot of times that's therapist. What we find

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Speaker 2: ourselves doing is de coding what people are saying and

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Speaker 2: paying attention to what they're not really saying.

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Speaker 6: Right.

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Speaker 2: So, in response to all of that and now being

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Speaker 2: able to act, for your partner to be vulnerable, you

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Speaker 2: also have to lead with vulnerability. I'm big on influence.

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Speaker 2: I'm big on submission.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: I know for a fact that you can create a

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Speaker 2: healthy relationship once you learn how to be influential versus confrontational.

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Speaker 2: You can get your desired behaviors by influence, meaning Confrontation

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Speaker 2: is augule, It's yelling and screaming. It's all of the

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Speaker 2: toxic can oc curse here do you guys curse? It's

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Speaker 2: all of the taxing bullshit. It's all of the tax

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Speaker 2: taxic bullshit that you tend to see and experience, right,

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Speaker 2: while influence is more about being strategic on how you

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Speaker 2: share what you need to share, versus saying, hey, you

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Speaker 2: did not clean the bathroom. You said you were going

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Speaker 2: to do it. You are very selfish and you never

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Speaker 2: do what you say you're going to do. I can't

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Speaker 2: trust you. Your mama's board, blah blah blah blah blah,

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Speaker 2: versus hey, lately, I've been overwhelmed with the household responsibilities.

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Speaker 2: It was agreed upon that you would take care of

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Speaker 2: the bathroom, but you didn't have a chance to do that,

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Speaker 2: and that has let me feeling frustrated. So this weekend,

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Speaker 2: could you please prioritize taking care of the bathroom for me?

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Speaker 2: That wo't mean a lot to me. Confrontational versus influence

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Speaker 2: one leads to ongoing conflict one leads to you know

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Speaker 2: what I heard you, my apologies, I'll do it right now.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: Skills is the difference between those that make it to

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Speaker 2: the NBA and those that are at the park bawling

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Speaker 2: out every Saturday.

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Speaker 7: Ooh, you are dropping so much now for our listeners

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Speaker 7: out there, and so we're gonna switch up the energy

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Speaker 7: in a bit. But I have another question for you.

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Speaker 7: In your work as a couple's therapists, what has been

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Speaker 7: the most transformative thing you've seen between partners.

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Speaker 2: Oh, you're gonna hate me for that.

401
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Speaker 3: One.

402
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Speaker 2: Is your audience mainly women and.

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Speaker 5: Men, mainly black women.

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Speaker 2: Okay, ladies, I'm gonna talk to you right now. Come on.

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Speaker 2: And strongest relationships are born out of infidelity. I wish

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Speaker 2: they could see right now, and here's why.

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Speaker 6: Right.

408
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Speaker 2: A lot of times the infidelity forces the couple to

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Speaker 2: have the conversations that they needed to have but never had.

410
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Speaker 7: Right.

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Speaker 2: It brings a lot of things to the surface. That's

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Speaker 2: a reality check. Oh we're not as happy as a thought.

413
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Speaker 2: Oh the fights that we've been having that we've never solved,

414
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Speaker 2: the therapy that we never went through that we postpone

415
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,080
Speaker 2: has led to all of this. Now you are forced

416
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:19,520
Speaker 2: to have these uncomfortable conversations where your partner saying, Hey,

417
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Speaker 2: I don't feel love I don't feel appreciated. Hey, intimacy

418
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Speaker 2: is lacking. Hey I no longer feel safe. Hey you're

419
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:33,080
Speaker 2: not present, you're working too much. Right, It forces them

420
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:37,520
Speaker 2: to have to face the reality and then build a

421
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Speaker 2: stronger relationship in which they are more attuned to each

422
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:45,680
Speaker 2: other's needs, in each other's presence. Now they're paying more attention. Now,

423
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:50,000
Speaker 2: they're talking more. Right Now, when something is going wrong,

424
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,720
Speaker 2: they're able to label it and address it versus sweeping

425
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Speaker 2: it under the rug just to keep the peace. So

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Speaker 2: in my work, I have seen relationships that have been

427
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Speaker 2: coasting for an amount of time and then infidelity happens,

428
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Speaker 2: and not they're forced to do the work, do the work,

429
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Speaker 2: go through the process, and then create a relationship to

430
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Speaker 2: point out not the previous relationship, but a much more

431
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:24,920
Speaker 2: improved and safer and stronger relationship. And I tend to

432
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Speaker 2: remind people that infidelity is not the disease, and fidelity

433
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Speaker 2: is the symptom of a bigger problem, right because we

434
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Speaker 2: tend to say infidelity led to the divorce. No no, no, no,

435
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,879
Speaker 2: no no no, And fidelity is the symptom to the

436
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:47,240
Speaker 2: bigger issue in the relationship that was never addressed.

437
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 5: That actually makes perfect sense. I'm glad you were so

438
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,840
Speaker 5: transparent and honest with this, Yere. That makes sense, And

439
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 5: this conversation is getting so good. But we do want

440
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,000
Speaker 5: to ship up the energy, so we're going to come

441
00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:59,600
Speaker 5: back to this topic. So lady, you got to say

442
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,600
Speaker 5: too the rest of this, but Mac, we do want

443
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,640
Speaker 5: to shift up the energy. And because we recognize, appreciate,

444
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 5: and celebrate the multifaceted woman, and we believe that it's

445
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:11,320
Speaker 5: okay to be bougie, classy and ratchet and you could

446
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 5: still be elegant and dance to strip club music, right,

447
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:19,080
Speaker 5: we want to invite you to the oh U Blatchett segment?

448
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 5: So do you take on the challenge.

449
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,879
Speaker 2: Let's go a A.

450
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,960
Speaker 5: A Okay, So now that he's agreed, we're going to

451
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:29,960
Speaker 5: tell him what to expect. So we're going to ask

452
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:33,520
Speaker 5: you three questions. We're going to share three sentence completions,

453
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,439
Speaker 5: and then we have three photos pulled up of you

454
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,119
Speaker 5: that we don't feel on social media. Oh okay, we

455
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,040
Speaker 5: failed on social media, and we want you to choose

456
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,880
Speaker 5: the number out of one in three and then we're

457
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:50,359
Speaker 5: going to show you that photo. In about two minutes,

458
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:53,440
Speaker 5: we'll show you the photo and then you we want

459
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,199
Speaker 5: you to give us more context about the photo. So

460
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,479
Speaker 5: tell us what's something about the photo we willn't know?

461
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,199
Speaker 5: And the pictures that we chose there are good. So

462
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,920
Speaker 5: you gotta wait for this one. But we're gonna jump

463
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:03,960
Speaker 5: into the questions first, Max. So the first question we

464
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 5: have for you is what's the best piece of wisdom

465
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,040
Speaker 5: or advice you've ever received? It could be on any topic,

466
00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:14,639
Speaker 5: not necessarily a couples, counseling or relationships. Best piece of

467
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:15,560
Speaker 5: wisdom or advice.

468
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:22,320
Speaker 2: I love your partner every day. Every day I wake up,

469
00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:25,439
Speaker 2: I look at her like I'm gonna I love you today,

470
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:27,360
Speaker 2: like you don't you know, you don't even know it's

471
00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:29,600
Speaker 2: about to happen. Girl, You're about to fall right back

472
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 2: in love again every day.

473
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,240
Speaker 5: That is beautiful. That is so beautiful.

474
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:40,920
Speaker 7: Yes, all right, So this next question, I have four

475
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:41,840
Speaker 7: words for you.

476
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 6: Work are two steps.

477
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:52,000
Speaker 2: Work, Come on, man. Lust is as important as love

478
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 2: right intensity. It creates the fire as well as distance

479
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:03,080
Speaker 2: you as your relationship grows, you need to learn to

480
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:07,720
Speaker 2: develop new eyes for your partner. Never allow the fun,

481
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:13,360
Speaker 2: the joy, the ratchetness, the lust to disappear.

482
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 5: Better, preach on this evening. Okay, Now the next question,

483
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,840
Speaker 5: the final question we have for you before we move

484
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:25,720
Speaker 5: into the sentence completions, is what's the sexiest item you own?

485
00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:28,320
Speaker 6: My mind?

486
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,400
Speaker 2: Because my mind. Everything comes from my mind. So if

487
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 2: I put my mind to it on being romantic, or

488
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 2: on being aggressive or what did ever the case it be,

489
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,240
Speaker 2: will allow me to accomplish what I need to accomplish.

490
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:47,920
Speaker 2: And my wife is one who craves conversation, philosophical compost,

491
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,480
Speaker 2: so coming up with ideas and bringing it to her

492
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:55,120
Speaker 2: it's is our role play.

493
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:58,720
Speaker 5: That is beautiful. I don't think we've ever had that

494
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:02,520
Speaker 5: answer either. Right now, I love it? Come on, all

495
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,560
Speaker 5: right now, I love it.

496
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:05,160
Speaker 6: I love it.

497
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:10,800
Speaker 7: So now we're moving to the sentence completion. So Mac,

498
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:15,800
Speaker 7: one question or topic I wish people ask me about

499
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:17,120
Speaker 7: more often is.

500
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 2: How much pornography is destructive to all relationships?

501
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:28,720
Speaker 5: So interesting, Mac, because our next sentence completion happens to

502
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:32,840
Speaker 5: be what I would tell people about pornography and how

503
00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:36,080
Speaker 5: it relates to the destruction of relationships.

504
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 2: Is to develop a healthy relationships, not a code dependence

505
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:42,120
Speaker 2: on pornography.

506
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:45,360
Speaker 5: What is the difference. I'm sorry, we got to hop

507
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:46,720
Speaker 5: into a question real quick, because I need to know

508
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:47,760
Speaker 5: what is the difference between.

509
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I would say, well, it's the same concept

510
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 2: with social media, right, the way that it can impact

511
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,760
Speaker 2: your brain and be wired, be wired, be wire your brain.

512
00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:02,680
Speaker 2: Pornography is two. You do not allow pornography to use

513
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 2: you as a tool. You use pornography as a tool.

514
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,320
Speaker 2: So now when you start engaging too much pornography, you

515
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 2: develop a core dependence on pornography to the point where

516
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 2: you may choose pornography over being active with your partner,

517
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:24,160
Speaker 2: where you'll create fights. Just so you can generalize your

518
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:28,720
Speaker 2: use of pornography and also how pornography one is not

519
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:33,120
Speaker 2: ethical because the women that are involved at times are

520
00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:37,040
Speaker 2: forced to be in those things too. It's not realistic.

521
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:43,080
Speaker 2: It's catered to the men's desire and brain. So you're

522
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 2: not even engaging in pornography that's conducive to a partnered relationship.

523
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:50,120
Speaker 3: Right.

524
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:56,080
Speaker 2: So, yeah, I have a healthy relationship and boundaries around

525
00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:00,720
Speaker 2: relationship as a couple and never allow myself to become

526
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:02,880
Speaker 2: codependent on pornography.

527
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:04,959
Speaker 6: I appreciate that explanation.

528
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:08,360
Speaker 7: So it's not saying that pornography is bad and that

529
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 7: we should use it, but it's how to have a

530
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,640
Speaker 7: healthy relationship with it.

531
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 2: Yes, sure, make sure you're watching ethical pornography where the

532
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:24,320
Speaker 2: pleasure is distributed for both men and women. Right. Ah,

533
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:27,560
Speaker 2: there's a lot of sites where you have to pay

534
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,800
Speaker 2: for the pornography, so therefore that make it more ethical.

535
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:32,840
Speaker 2: And also, if you're a man, you want to watch

536
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 2: pornography that's catered to women because it's teaching you how

537
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 2: to please a woman versus you just looking at something

538
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:45,560
Speaker 2: bouncing as speaking directly to your needs as a man,

539
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:49,640
Speaker 2: and that you cannot recreate in your bedroom.

540
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:53,800
Speaker 6: Oh that I love it. I appreciate that.

541
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 5: So last thing is completely What I love most about

542
00:32:57,880 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 5: myself is.

543
00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:03,440
Speaker 2: My ability to be present not only for my wife,

544
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:07,440
Speaker 2: for my two little girls. Being a father has been

545
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,680
Speaker 2: the most fulfilling thing ever, Like I feel fool. I

546
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,280
Speaker 2: don't need nothing else from the world, no other validation.

547
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 2: Just hearing daddy from my two girls is the greatest

548
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:24,560
Speaker 2: feeling any man could ever have. So I would say

549
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 2: being being a better father and being a husband is

550
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:32,120
Speaker 2: what I am investined and looking forward to continue on.

551
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:34,120
Speaker 6: That's so beautiful.

552
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:37,040
Speaker 5: I was gonna say, you're gonna hear us say this

553
00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:41,400
Speaker 5: a bunch. But I love that, right, so so amazing. Okay,

554
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,960
Speaker 5: So Mac, we have some photos pulled up and I

555
00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 5: really want to I want to show them all, but

556
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:47,280
Speaker 5: I know we said we're all going to show one.

557
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,440
Speaker 5: So what want you to do is choose a number

558
00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,240
Speaker 5: out of one and three. You already said three, and

559
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:54,840
Speaker 5: this is a pretty Let's do three. Okay, So I'm

560
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:56,600
Speaker 5: going to screen share and that some people are only

561
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:59,160
Speaker 5: tuned into the audio. So if you can describe the

562
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:03,200
Speaker 5: photo and then give us the context behind the photo,

563
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 5: Oh my gonna see. Slowdo's are hard to shoose from.

564
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:07,880
Speaker 5: But we're going to go number three because you chose three,

565
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,840
Speaker 5: So this is number three. Do this.

566
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:17,600
Speaker 2: I was in my prime. Now that's life before kids,

567
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:19,480
Speaker 2: where you could be at the gym for three hour

568
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 2: hours a day. So this is me doing a Superman

569
00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:28,040
Speaker 2: push up by elevating my arms above my head with

570
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:31,520
Speaker 2: my feet off the floor at the beach on top

571
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:36,880
Speaker 2: of the ocean. As you can say, I cleared a

572
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:41,480
Speaker 2: very good distance. So the context of the context of

573
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 2: this picture. Something that most people don't know is that

574
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:48,680
Speaker 2: I was with my trainer that day and his physic

575
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:52,800
Speaker 2: is ten times better than me. Right, And as you

576
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:56,279
Speaker 2: were take taking the photos, there were a group of

577
00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:59,520
Speaker 2: women lined up just to take a picture with him

578
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:04,080
Speaker 2: to decide. Right at that time, here, I was on

579
00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:08,960
Speaker 2: vacation with my wife and I had an excitse exciting

580
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:12,320
Speaker 2: year in my private practice, and I just wanted to

581
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:16,080
Speaker 2: take some times to kind of enjoy our accomplishment, spend

582
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:19,920
Speaker 2: some time together. And that's what just and Jamaica.

583
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,279
Speaker 5: Man, Yes, I was gonna say the haters gonna say

584
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:27,960
Speaker 5: it's photoshopped, because I definitely thought that photoshop. That's you.

585
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:31,439
Speaker 5: Go ahead, ahead, man, go ahead. That was a good

586
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 5: that was a good choice for pictures. Well, let me

587
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,480
Speaker 5: see what are we doing next. I'm all trying to

588
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:39,680
Speaker 5: get back into the conversation. What were we just talking

589
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 5: about to get conversation we just had, so thank you

590
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:45,000
Speaker 5: for participating in Only Blatchet. This was fun. But let's

591
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,280
Speaker 5: go back to that conversation we were talking about earlier,

592
00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:48,719
Speaker 5: when we were talking.

593
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:51,160
Speaker 6: About yes, infidelity and.

594
00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:58,799
Speaker 7: When you so you said that infidelity is couple who

595
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:03,399
Speaker 7: are coming back from fidelity usually have the most transformation. Right,

596
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 7: what are because in your work you deal with not

597
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 7: just infidelity. And then we talked a little bit about

598
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:17,560
Speaker 7: porn addiction, but there are other traumas that couple's experience.

599
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:22,399
Speaker 7: So what are some of the things that you help

600
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 7: some of the big ticket items that you help couples

601
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:27,759
Speaker 7: work through.

602
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:32,000
Speaker 2: The word trauma has been so used in society nowadays

603
00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:35,040
Speaker 2: that I just wonder what is trauma? If everything is trauma,

604
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:36,200
Speaker 2: then what is trauma?

605
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:36,839
Speaker 3: Right?

606
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:39,520
Speaker 2: So I would to me, I think that one one

607
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:42,280
Speaker 2: of the most traumatic experiences that a couple may experience

608
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:48,000
Speaker 2: is in fidelity. It literally mimics the symptoms of somebody

609
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:51,000
Speaker 2: that has been at war for the past three years,

610
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:54,959
Speaker 2: and you are going to experience PTSD symptoms, which sins

611
00:36:55,000 --> 00:37:00,839
Speaker 2: for post traumatic stress disorder for up to five years. Right,

612
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,359
Speaker 2: So when the phone rings, or when the text comes in,

613
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,920
Speaker 2: or when they leave their home, or when they go

614
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:08,920
Speaker 2: on vacation and et cetera, you're going to be experiencing

615
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:12,279
Speaker 2: these triggers for up to five years. And a lot

616
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,520
Speaker 2: of times what we see is that the crime will

617
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:17,759
Speaker 2: be done, but then we try to sanction what the

618
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:19,920
Speaker 2: time should look like. Or it's been three months, you

619
00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:22,840
Speaker 2: should be over that by now, or it's been two months,

620
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:26,640
Speaker 2: two years, and you still bringing that up like a

621
00:37:26,719 --> 00:37:29,080
Speaker 2: lot of times I have to remind these couples that

622
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:33,320
Speaker 2: progress or healing is not linear. A lot of times

623
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:36,560
Speaker 2: you might take five steps forward, ten steps back the

624
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:40,600
Speaker 2: next day, Right, you might catch a shoe just flying

625
00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 2: across your head just because they saw something on the

626
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:48,759
Speaker 2: television that reminded them of your infidelity. Right, So it's

627
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:51,720
Speaker 2: being able to provide that we are suran to engage

628
00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:55,080
Speaker 2: in that conversation and continue to put in place the

629
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:59,640
Speaker 2: necessary boundaries so trust can be built again. So personally,

630
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:02,759
Speaker 2: I really think that and fidelity is one of the

631
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:06,720
Speaker 2: most traumatic things that a partner could ever experience because

632
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:09,279
Speaker 2: not only does it shatter your self esteem your view

633
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:14,319
Speaker 2: of yourself, also shatters your social status, right because a

634
00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,879
Speaker 2: lot of people their relationships are out there. It's known,

635
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:19,399
Speaker 2: it's on social media, it's black love, it's this, it's

636
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:23,000
Speaker 2: that like we're a power couple. Now this has happened,

637
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:26,560
Speaker 2: and people know how am I going to be perceived?

638
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:30,399
Speaker 2: How am I going to be judged? And then fidelity

639
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:35,600
Speaker 2: also impact women and men differently because women are taught

640
00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 2: by society to always try to keep their family together.

641
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 2: So if a men cheats, he has a greater possibility

642
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:50,880
Speaker 2: of keeping his family unified. But when a woman's trace,

643
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:55,520
Speaker 2: men have been taught to replace women, right, we have

644
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:59,320
Speaker 2: been taught to remove the person that causes the injury.

645
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 2: So a lot of times when a woman strays away,

646
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:07,759
Speaker 2: it's directly divorce because a man is not able to

647
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:13,360
Speaker 2: one take accountability for their role into the betrayal, but

648
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:18,080
Speaker 2: also being able to curb their ego and work through

649
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:23,359
Speaker 2: those emotions and being able to rebuild a relationship. Now,

650
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:27,000
Speaker 2: if you want to go further on a societal level,

651
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,719
Speaker 2: is that most men tend to be the breadwether. So

652
00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:34,600
Speaker 2: if they do divorce, they're doing well financially, so it's

653
00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:38,080
Speaker 2: no issue, it's no burden. A woman tends to take

654
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:43,719
Speaker 2: the higher share of raising their children, right, So they're

655
00:39:43,719 --> 00:39:47,000
Speaker 2: not as free because they gotta take care of the kids,

656
00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:50,399
Speaker 2: but they may not also make as much money, right,

657
00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:54,160
Speaker 2: So not only is they impacting them financially socially, but

658
00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:58,200
Speaker 2: now they have more responsibilities because the kids tend to

659
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,759
Speaker 2: be with them most of the time time. Right. So

660
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 2: there's a lot that goes into infidelity and the way

661
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:10,040
Speaker 2: that it impacts a relationship, as well as how it

662
00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:11,760
Speaker 2: is gender specific at.

663
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:15,480
Speaker 5: Times that makes perfect sense and you did say that

664
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:19,920
Speaker 5: one of the most transformative experiences that you realize couples

665
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:22,520
Speaker 5: have in your and your work has been in fidelity.

666
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:26,040
Speaker 5: When does a person or couple know or really a

667
00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:28,640
Speaker 5: person know when you know what this is? Like a

668
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:32,560
Speaker 5: serial cheater, like this person is not trying to rebuild

669
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,880
Speaker 5: after this, like this keeps happening? Or how do how

670
00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:37,239
Speaker 5: does how do you? What would you advise someone of

671
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:40,040
Speaker 5: if they ask you that question, it was their personal experience,

672
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 5: like when is the time for me to to just

673
00:40:41,719 --> 00:40:44,680
Speaker 5: be like, Okay, I don't want it's out and move

674
00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:45,279
Speaker 5: on with your life.

675
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,400
Speaker 2: You know what I mean that that is a great question.

676
00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,320
Speaker 2: My mind is like going, so which one are you

677
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:51,120
Speaker 2: going to go with? I have all these ideas on

678
00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:53,920
Speaker 2: how to urn to this right. This happens a lot

679
00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:57,000
Speaker 2: about my mindsets to race a lot at times. I

680
00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:00,880
Speaker 2: would say there's two types of cheaters. That's just situational cheater.

681
00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:04,040
Speaker 2: It's like a one time thing, wrong place, wrong time,

682
00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:08,000
Speaker 2: or just it's a mistake that they could own up

683
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:11,839
Speaker 2: to and come and be honest about it and work

684
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:17,600
Speaker 2: to re earn your trust, versus a categorical cheater like

685
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:20,200
Speaker 2: that's just part of their character, They put themselves in

686
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:25,280
Speaker 2: places specifically the cheat. Right, you might see them going

687
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:30,359
Speaker 2: on more boys vacation than couple's vacation. They might stay

688
00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:36,200
Speaker 2: out later, or be part of certain scenes where relationship

689
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:40,399
Speaker 2: individual would be more careful of. So I would say,

690
00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:42,880
Speaker 2: is these type of things, But I would say the

691
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:45,680
Speaker 2: biggest red flag is the lack of accountability.

692
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:47,120
Speaker 3: Right.

693
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:51,239
Speaker 2: If the cheating continues to happen over and over and

694
00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:53,080
Speaker 2: over again, and you're trying to make it work and

695
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:56,719
Speaker 2: it continues, and you're choosing not to do things differently,

696
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 2: then that tells you everything that you need to know.

697
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:04,400
Speaker 2: But a lot of times the partner that's been cheated

698
00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:08,040
Speaker 2: on continues to try to make the relationship work, then

699
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:09,800
Speaker 2: at that time you got to ask him this question.

700
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:13,040
Speaker 2: What is it about you that's allowing them to treat

701
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 2: you this way? What is it about you that makes

702
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:19,320
Speaker 2: you believe that this is acceptable and this is workable?

703
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,279
Speaker 2: What is it about you that you need to heal

704
00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:25,120
Speaker 2: or change for you to be able to walk away

705
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:28,919
Speaker 2: and teach yourself that this is not what you deserve? Right,

706
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:33,040
Speaker 2: people only treat you based on what you allow them

707
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,359
Speaker 2: to treat you. So a lot of times the work

708
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:40,440
Speaker 2: is not on your partner. The work is internal and

709
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:42,359
Speaker 2: starting that process.

710
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:48,880
Speaker 5: Real ask questions, okay, yes, yes, motherucking bike listen.

711
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:53,360
Speaker 2: I've been crossed out in sessions when I ask those questions,

712
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:57,040
Speaker 2: I've got people turn off the camera.

713
00:42:58,440 --> 00:42:58,560
Speaker 6: Right.

714
00:42:59,239 --> 00:43:02,600
Speaker 7: I had a cold, hard questions though they are it's

715
00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:03,760
Speaker 7: like auch question.

716
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:07,319
Speaker 2: I just had a couple that that proposed on their

717
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:13,120
Speaker 2: last session during our session a few hours ago, and

718
00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:15,960
Speaker 2: they experience and fidelity and we've been working for about

719
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:19,920
Speaker 2: six months now and today was their last session. My

720
00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:23,719
Speaker 2: men got down on one day and proposed. They've been

721
00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:28,560
Speaker 2: together for fifteen years, four children. Men got that for

722
00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:33,319
Speaker 2: one year with tears in his eyes and proposed. She

723
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:35,759
Speaker 2: said yes. Then after that I taxed him out of

724
00:43:35,840 --> 00:43:38,200
Speaker 2: all the places you think during zoom is the.

725
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:39,480
Speaker 5: Way wanted to do this?

726
00:43:39,719 --> 00:43:39,919
Speaker 3: Right?

727
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:44,920
Speaker 2: Come on, like what's happening?

728
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 5: That says a lot about what they dealt with you

729
00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 5: though they wanted you to be part of that. I'm

730
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,320
Speaker 5: assuming you know that's kind of that's really special.

731
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:59,920
Speaker 2: God, I feel that done nothing but broke my man.

732
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:03,360
Speaker 2: Come monchie, we gotta have to do this again.

733
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:11,160
Speaker 7: That's real, that's real, that's real. So okay, so this

734
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:16,000
Speaker 7: so this particular couple have been together for all these years,

735
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:19,160
Speaker 7: had worked through in fidelity and gets to the point

736
00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:25,120
Speaker 7: of proposal. Now for our folks out there who are dating,

737
00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:29,960
Speaker 7: right and maybe haven't got to the point of being

738
00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:34,880
Speaker 7: in a relationship yet, right, and we know it's an

739
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 7: interesting world out here in.

740
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,800
Speaker 6: These Dayton streets these as.

741
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:43,799
Speaker 7: So for our listeners out there, what questions would you

742
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:48,760
Speaker 7: recommend that people ask each other in the early stages

743
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:54,280
Speaker 7: of dating to determine if that potential if this person

744
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:56,440
Speaker 7: really is a potential match.

745
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:02,960
Speaker 2: I like that the self help culture would say, Hey, accident,

746
00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:05,680
Speaker 2: what do you bring to the table? I think that's

747
00:45:05,719 --> 00:45:09,040
Speaker 2: the dumbest question you can ever ask a man. It's

748
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:13,279
Speaker 2: already prepared an answer. He already knows that's coming. Oh

749
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:15,000
Speaker 2: you give me a chance to kind of boast a

750
00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:20,279
Speaker 2: boy myself and to talk about my resume, of course, right.

751
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 2: But I do think that in the day dating phase one,

752
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:29,160
Speaker 2: you should be dating multiple people, right, not just one.

753
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:33,880
Speaker 2: Number Number two, especially for women, is stop waiting to

754
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:37,560
Speaker 2: be chosen and start being the chooser themselves, right, Because

755
00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:42,400
Speaker 2: the dating world was created by men for men, was

756
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:45,960
Speaker 2: never created for women to succeed. Was created for men

757
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:51,600
Speaker 2: to succeed and eventually choose someone, while society I start

758
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:56,000
Speaker 2: women to just be happy to be selected. Right, So

759
00:45:56,080 --> 00:45:59,360
Speaker 2: I would say, in terms of questioning and conversation, is

760
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:02,960
Speaker 2: being more strategic, being more mindful of what you're asking?

761
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:03,239
Speaker 6: Is?

762
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:08,120
Speaker 2: What demons have do you need to overcome? How have

763
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:12,719
Speaker 2: you prepared for a healthy relationship? What education have you

764
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:16,800
Speaker 2: engaged in to learn how to build a healthy relationship?

765
00:46:17,719 --> 00:46:17,919
Speaker 6: Right?

766
00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:21,880
Speaker 2: What are your shadows? I can see the social self.

767
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:24,040
Speaker 2: I could say, how you're all dressed up, your beers

768
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:27,000
Speaker 2: lined up, shape up is on point, smell amazing, You

769
00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:30,560
Speaker 2: drive a tesla. That's all great. I can see the projection.

770
00:46:31,239 --> 00:46:33,080
Speaker 2: But I want to see the part of yourself that

771
00:46:33,160 --> 00:46:35,839
Speaker 2: most do not have access to. What does that look

772
00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:39,120
Speaker 2: like after a hard day of work? How do you

773
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:44,920
Speaker 2: behave when the word no is stated to you? How

774
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:45,560
Speaker 2: do you take that?

775
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:46,919
Speaker 6: Right?

776
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:48,280
Speaker 2: Do you become angry?

777
00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:49,640
Speaker 6: Right?

778
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:54,240
Speaker 2: Do you start showing showcasing narcissistic traits? Are you able

779
00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:58,960
Speaker 2: to regulate yourself and your emotions? Right? I feel like

780
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:03,560
Speaker 2: there's there's a lot at stronger conversations that we need

781
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:07,239
Speaker 2: to have as a people, as a community to be

782
00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:10,480
Speaker 2: able to decipher who is the right partner for you.

783
00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:13,719
Speaker 2: Let's not jump the gun like couples that like, this

784
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:17,520
Speaker 2: idea of love at first sight does not exist, This

785
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:23,359
Speaker 2: idea of soulmates does not exist. Right, we really need

786
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,719
Speaker 2: to stop focusing. I'm just trying to get married. I'm

787
00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:29,560
Speaker 2: gonna do this because I'm looking for a husband. Okay,

788
00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:33,360
Speaker 2: after the marriage, then what I'm looking for a life partner.

789
00:47:34,600 --> 00:47:37,399
Speaker 2: I don't want a love story. I want a life partnership.

790
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:43,799
Speaker 2: A love story, it's a story, it ends, it's short lived. Yes,

791
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:47,040
Speaker 2: it's full of romance and passion at first, but a

792
00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 2: life partnership encompasses a love story. Right, So I think

793
00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:54,400
Speaker 2: that we need we need to be more mindful of

794
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:57,719
Speaker 2: the type of conversations we're having. Also, we need to

795
00:47:57,719 --> 00:48:00,600
Speaker 2: be more mindful of who we are a howing to

796
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:05,720
Speaker 2: give us information about dating and relationships. Not every profit

797
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:12,400
Speaker 2: is created equal. You feel me like yeah, like that, yes.

798
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:16,080
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, about these questions. And I can guarantee that

799
00:48:16,080 --> 00:48:18,160
Speaker 5: most people will not be ready for those God damn questions.

800
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:20,440
Speaker 5: They're going to be on the on the floor, like,

801
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,960
Speaker 5: God damn, what she just asked me. It's like a

802
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:26,359
Speaker 5: red red flag alert. You can really identify someone is

803
00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:30,480
Speaker 5: by asking those questions how they respond, So thank you.

804
00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:36,000
Speaker 7: I appreciate these questions because I think what like Terry said,

805
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:38,920
Speaker 7: like at points, it'll give you that space to point

806
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:42,200
Speaker 7: out those folks who are not right for you, because

807
00:48:42,200 --> 00:48:46,440
Speaker 7: you can see how they respond to you, even if

808
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:50,200
Speaker 7: they don't necessarily get to the question right away, how

809
00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:55,560
Speaker 7: their initial reaction to you asking those questions is also

810
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:57,160
Speaker 7: clues into who they are.

811
00:48:57,760 --> 00:49:02,600
Speaker 2: Yes, and if you take it right, I'll always say this, right,

812
00:49:02,719 --> 00:49:06,560
Speaker 2: if you go out as a woman, more than likely

813
00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 2: five guys are going to be attracted to you. Two

814
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:14,120
Speaker 2: of them are going to be very comfortable approaching. Those

815
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:15,880
Speaker 2: are the two guys that you don't want nothing to

816
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:19,719
Speaker 2: do with because they're used to doing this. They're too

817
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:23,319
Speaker 2: comfortable doing this. Now you're in their wheelhouse. This is

818
00:49:23,320 --> 00:49:27,360
Speaker 2: what they do. Now, your job is to put yourself

819
00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:31,000
Speaker 2: in position so the other three guys that are shy

820
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:35,200
Speaker 2: or that are not as confident or able to approach

821
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:38,759
Speaker 2: you as well. Right, we have this mindset that men

822
00:49:38,920 --> 00:49:41,480
Speaker 2: must make the first move, or we tell women, no,

823
00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:43,399
Speaker 2: you need to make the first move. But if we're

824
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:47,919
Speaker 2: being honest, women have made the first move forever, right,

825
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:51,200
Speaker 2: You do it through your body language. A man will

826
00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:55,160
Speaker 2: only approach a woman that has verbal that has in

827
00:49:55,320 --> 00:50:00,480
Speaker 2: verbal and nonverbally communicated to this man, Hey, you can

828
00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:03,239
Speaker 2: approach me. Let's go back to our club days. Right

829
00:50:04,719 --> 00:50:06,879
Speaker 2: in my thirties. I'm talking about club and like ten

830
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:11,520
Speaker 2: twelve years ago. Right, a girl is dancing, she's throwing

831
00:50:11,560 --> 00:50:15,160
Speaker 2: it back, she torking, and etcetera. The whole room is watching,

832
00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:17,319
Speaker 2: and most of them want to go dance with her.

833
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:20,600
Speaker 2: You might see a few guys go and be and

834
00:50:20,760 --> 00:50:24,359
Speaker 2: actually dance with her, right, and two other guys might

835
00:50:24,440 --> 00:50:28,280
Speaker 2: go and she just walks away from them. Why because

836
00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:31,560
Speaker 2: she never communicated to those two guys that it's okay

837
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:32,799
Speaker 2: to come dance with me.

838
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:39,280
Speaker 6: That part you get that, Yep, yep, yep exactly.

839
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:43,560
Speaker 2: So it's the same concept. Women have always made the

840
00:50:43,600 --> 00:50:47,160
Speaker 2: first move, right. But I think what women tend to

841
00:50:47,200 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 2: do is overestimate how smart us men are. Like, we

842
00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:58,160
Speaker 2: need four times the signs that she want us to

843
00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:01,680
Speaker 2: approach you for us to approach you, especially nowadays. Right,

844
00:51:02,239 --> 00:51:05,040
Speaker 2: the movements of me too and and et cetera. I

845
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 2: ment of being more sick and more and being more

846
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:14,160
Speaker 2: cautious about of course. So therefore that means that your

847
00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:16,839
Speaker 2: signals need to become clearer, not just all I looked

848
00:51:16,880 --> 00:51:17,680
Speaker 2: at them.

849
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:24,279
Speaker 7: Okay, you got you gotta make that eye contact and

850
00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:25,720
Speaker 7: you gotta say.

851
00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:28,359
Speaker 6: That's what I used to do.

852
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:33,080
Speaker 7: I might have the eye contact, give a smile, and

853
00:51:33,120 --> 00:51:36,440
Speaker 7: then if they still are like not sure, then I'd

854
00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:39,160
Speaker 7: be like, no you mm hm, I'm here.

855
00:51:39,719 --> 00:51:44,160
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm coming. I like that right coming to.

856
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,400
Speaker 5: Real quick, mag I feel like we need to be

857
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:52,920
Speaker 5: ending the interview soon and we will our promise, but

858
00:51:53,160 --> 00:51:55,520
Speaker 5: will you keep making you make it hard? I want

859
00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:57,000
Speaker 5: to keep ask some questions, so I want to go

860
00:51:57,080 --> 00:51:59,719
Speaker 5: back to submission real quick. Can we talk a bit

861
00:51:59,719 --> 00:52:02,480
Speaker 5: about obmission? We talked about it earlier. Is the S

862
00:52:02,560 --> 00:52:05,800
Speaker 5: word that gets people really uncomfortable? Right by I submitt?

863
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:08,120
Speaker 5: Nobody talk about what does submission mean? And how can

864
00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:10,440
Speaker 5: folks submit to one another? What does that look like

865
00:52:10,480 --> 00:52:11,359
Speaker 5: in a relationship.

866
00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:14,960
Speaker 2: I submit to my wife daily twenty four to seven

867
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:17,800
Speaker 2: and she does the same to me. And here's why.

868
00:52:18,440 --> 00:52:24,640
Speaker 2: Submission is recognizing the power and being able to tell myself, Okay,

869
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:27,759
Speaker 2: I'm going to meet all of your needs today. So

870
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:31,520
Speaker 2: whatever that is, whatever you don't communicate as well as

871
00:52:31,640 --> 00:52:35,560
Speaker 2: whatever you communicate to me, because we're in a partnership, right,

872
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:39,920
Speaker 2: Submission speaks more of being influenced, speak more of me

873
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:43,000
Speaker 2: being able to verbalize the positive things that you have

874
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:46,399
Speaker 2: done through the day. Each night I tell my wife

875
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:49,520
Speaker 2: five things that I appreciate that she did that day.

876
00:52:50,640 --> 00:52:53,680
Speaker 2: Whenever we depart and reunite, we engage in a six

877
00:52:53,719 --> 00:52:58,320
Speaker 2: second case, right, so we find ways to continuously remain

878
00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:03,680
Speaker 2: connected in person or away from each other. I think

879
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:07,200
Speaker 2: this idea of submission has been weaponized, has been more

880
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:13,000
Speaker 2: gender based as opposed to being more fluid. Right in

881
00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:17,839
Speaker 2: the church, who thinks submission as you do whatever your

882
00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:20,640
Speaker 2: partner tell you to do, and as the man, you

883
00:53:20,719 --> 00:53:23,680
Speaker 2: are the leader. But a lot of times us men,

884
00:53:23,840 --> 00:53:26,600
Speaker 2: we are quick to take credit for when things are

885
00:53:26,600 --> 00:53:30,120
Speaker 2: going great, or when the relationship hits a speed bump

886
00:53:30,840 --> 00:53:34,480
Speaker 2: or the ebbs and flows are happening. We don't take

887
00:53:34,520 --> 00:53:37,719
Speaker 2: accountability for that, right. We tend to say, you know,

888
00:53:37,760 --> 00:53:40,040
Speaker 2: the relationship is doing great because I'm doing great, but

889
00:53:40,080 --> 00:53:44,399
Speaker 2: it's also doing bad because you're doing bad. Right, And

890
00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:50,920
Speaker 2: men also on many occasions have abused their power or

891
00:53:51,880 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 2: or that concept of submission by oppressing their partners. Right,

892
00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:03,239
Speaker 2: So seventy person of men that accept influence tend to

893
00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:06,480
Speaker 2: have a healthier relationship. And the influence means like, if

894
00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:09,480
Speaker 2: I'm going to make a decision for my family or

895
00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:12,560
Speaker 2: for myself, I have to talk to my wife first.

896
00:54:13,080 --> 00:54:16,080
Speaker 2: I got to hear her perspective because she may have

897
00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:19,000
Speaker 2: a different opinion or perspective that I have not yet

898
00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:24,680
Speaker 2: to consider. Because it's a partnership. Right, Let's stop saying

899
00:54:24,719 --> 00:54:27,799
Speaker 2: I'm seeking a husband or wife. I'm seeking a partnership.

900
00:54:28,239 --> 00:54:30,040
Speaker 2: Let's stop saying I'm trying to get married now, I'm

901
00:54:30,080 --> 00:54:34,520
Speaker 2: seeking a life partner. Right, Forever till death do us part,

902
00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:39,960
Speaker 2: not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. A lot of

903
00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:43,480
Speaker 2: times death did you part because the relationship ended a

904
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:46,920
Speaker 2: long time ago. Your physical being is just still present,

905
00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:51,319
Speaker 2: but there's no life in that relationship. So to me,

906
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:58,359
Speaker 2: submission is one it's power, right, that's strength in being

907
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:03,880
Speaker 2: able to say and being able to control my emotions

908
00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:09,399
Speaker 2: and not yell when I'm frustrated, right, not criticize when

909
00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:13,120
Speaker 2: I really want to, or being able to regulate myself

910
00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:15,839
Speaker 2: and my partner to a point where we can have

911
00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:21,520
Speaker 2: a conversation, not to have conflict of being able to communicate.

912
00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:26,040
Speaker 2: I hear a lot of times men saying, yo, bro, Mac,

913
00:55:26,080 --> 00:55:29,279
Speaker 2: what's up man? I need my partner to have more

914
00:55:29,280 --> 00:55:31,960
Speaker 2: sex with me. And I tell them this at the

915
00:55:32,080 --> 00:55:34,279
Speaker 2: end of the night. If she didn't give it to you,

916
00:55:35,239 --> 00:55:37,120
Speaker 2: let me not use give it to you at the

917
00:55:37,200 --> 00:55:39,600
Speaker 2: end of the night. If you are not successful in

918
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:44,000
Speaker 2: engaging an intimate acts with your partner, instead of blaming them,

919
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,040
Speaker 2: ask yourself, what is it that I did not do?

920
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:51,080
Speaker 2: How did I not fill up their cupped day? That

921
00:55:51,239 --> 00:55:54,280
Speaker 2: makes it less likely for me to have sex tonight?

922
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:58,520
Speaker 2: Right now? When you take that approach, then you become

923
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:04,120
Speaker 2: in control, and that's submission. Okay. So I didn't get

924
00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:07,600
Speaker 2: it tonight, that's okay. But watch tomorrow. You're gonna be

925
00:56:07,600 --> 00:56:09,959
Speaker 2: throwing it at me. You know why, because I'm gonna

926
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:13,560
Speaker 2: out love you. Wake up. Here's your breakfast, here's your lunch,

927
00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:16,760
Speaker 2: I ran your bath, here's here's a glass of wine.

928
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:18,839
Speaker 2: Oh the kids, come on, give them to me. You

929
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:22,200
Speaker 2: go take a nap. It's showing up for your partner

930
00:56:22,239 --> 00:56:25,160
Speaker 2: the way that they need you to, not the way

931
00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:29,560
Speaker 2: that's the most comfortable for you. So that's the distinction.

932
00:56:30,840 --> 00:56:31,200
Speaker 5: Damn.

933
00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:40,120
Speaker 6: Yes, okay, you dropping all the gin Okay, yes, yes.

934
00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:44,120
Speaker 7: So I know that our listeners are like listening to

935
00:56:44,160 --> 00:56:47,520
Speaker 7: this and they're like damn, and they're writing things down

936
00:56:47,560 --> 00:56:49,120
Speaker 7: because they're like, oh, I need to bring this up

937
00:56:49,160 --> 00:56:55,160
Speaker 7: with my partner. So where can our listeners find you?

938
00:56:55,200 --> 00:56:58,560
Speaker 7: Because we know they want more, So where can they

939
00:56:58,600 --> 00:56:59,120
Speaker 7: find you?

940
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:04,160
Speaker 2: It's a great question on Instagram of course, as talked

941
00:57:04,200 --> 00:57:06,759
Speaker 2: to Mac talk to al k the number two Mac

942
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:10,760
Speaker 2: Mac Mac on the score Therapist. My website is Therapist

943
00:57:10,800 --> 00:57:13,520
Speaker 2: for everyone that org. It's based out of New York.

944
00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:17,760
Speaker 2: I haven't been on social media that much nowadays because

945
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:20,200
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm loving my life to the point

946
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:24,400
Speaker 2: where I don't need anything else. So don't send a

947
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:27,200
Speaker 2: dam but send an email so my assistant could reply

948
00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:29,120
Speaker 2: to you and get the message back to me. If

949
00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:30,960
Speaker 2: you send a dam more than likely it's not going

950
00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:34,480
Speaker 2: to be responded to. And I'm also in terms of

951
00:57:34,560 --> 00:57:37,360
Speaker 2: starting a podcast, so we shall see. So there's a

952
00:57:37,480 --> 00:57:40,760
Speaker 2: chance that you may be getting more content, more long

953
00:57:40,840 --> 00:57:45,760
Speaker 2: form content versus Instagram that's not paying you for your content.

954
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:48,760
Speaker 5: Amazing. This was so good. I was going to ask

955
00:57:48,800 --> 00:57:51,160
Speaker 5: you Mac where your podcasts at. But when you launched,

956
00:57:51,160 --> 00:57:52,920
Speaker 5: we'll have to have you come back for your launch.

957
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:53,840
Speaker 5: And you know some.

958
00:57:53,960 --> 00:57:56,960
Speaker 2: People I actually would love to fly in so we

959
00:57:57,000 --> 00:57:59,600
Speaker 2: could have an in person episodes.

960
00:58:00,200 --> 00:58:02,320
Speaker 5: I saw you on the podcast. We need to do this,

961
00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:05,240
Speaker 5: all right, let's do it yet, let's Google and make

962
00:58:05,280 --> 00:58:05,640
Speaker 5: it work.

963
00:58:05,680 --> 00:58:08,000
Speaker 2: We'll make it happen. Yes, I should be in LA

964
00:58:08,080 --> 00:58:12,720
Speaker 2: in September, so okay. Once once I get the data us,

965
00:58:12,880 --> 00:58:14,400
Speaker 2: I'll reach out to you guys.

966
00:58:14,720 --> 00:58:16,960
Speaker 5: Let us know. This was so awesome that Thank you

967
00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:18,880
Speaker 5: so much for your time my pleasure.

968
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:23,120
Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her

969
00:58:23,160 --> 00:58:27,120
Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

970
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:32,640
Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so,

971
00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:37,680
Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

972
00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:43,000
Speaker 3: That's D R D O M I N I q

973
00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:47,480
Speaker 3: U E B R O U S S A r

974
00:58:47,600 --> 00:58:52,720
Speaker 3: D dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

975
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:57,760
Speaker 3: I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for joining

976
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:02,680
Speaker 3: us today. Please know that our show may contain conversations

977
00:59:02,720 --> 00:59:08,400
Speaker 3: about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health, but

978
00:59:08,560 --> 00:59:11,360
Speaker 3: is by no means meant to be a substitute for

979
00:59:11,400 --> 00:59:15,720
Speaker 3: an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider.

980
00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:19,200
Speaker 3: If you are someone you know is in need of

981
00:59:19,240 --> 00:59:22,800
Speaker 3: mental health care, please visit a Therapy for Black Girls

982
00:59:22,840 --> 00:59:28,040
Speaker 3: directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

983
00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:30,440
Speaker 1: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

984
00:59:30,440 --> 00:59:35,440
Speaker 1: the conversation going, visit our website at cultivatinghirspace dot com

985
00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:38,120
Speaker 1: and be sure to click the Patreon tab to get

986
00:59:38,160 --> 00:59:44,160
Speaker 1: access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show and.

987
00:59:44,160 --> 00:59:47,960
Speaker 8: Before We Meet Again repete after me. Just because I

988
00:59:47,960 --> 00:59:50,280
Speaker 8: can do it all doesn't mean I have to do

989
00:59:50,360 --> 00:59:50,720
Speaker 8: it all.