1 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:11,600 Speaker 1: Welcome to Why Not Me? Embracing Autism and Mental Health Worldwide? 2 00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:19,840 Speaker 1: Hosted by Tony Mantor, broadcasting from the heart of Music City, USA, Nashville, Tennessee. 3 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 1: Join us as our guests share their raw, powerful stories. 4 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:29,520 Speaker 1: Some will spark laughter, others will move you to tears. 5 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:36,040 Speaker 1: These real life journeys inspire, connect and remind you that 6 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: you're never alone. We're igniting a global movement to empower 7 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:46,280 Speaker 1: everyone to make a lasting difference by fostering deep awareness 8 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:52,880 Speaker 1: on wavering acceptance, and profound understanding of autism and mental health. 9 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:57,840 Speaker 1: Tune in, be inspired, and join us in transforming the world, 10 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:05,120 Speaker 1: one story at a time. Hi, I'm Tony Mantor. Welcome 11 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:09,160 Speaker 1: to Why Not Me? Embracing Autism and Mental Health Worldwide. 12 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: Before we jump in, if you haven't already, I invite 13 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: you to tap follow. It only takes a couple of 14 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: seconds and it helps this show reach more families who 15 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 1: need to hear these conversations. Thanks for being here today. 16 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 1: I'm talking with writer and journalist Megladuk, someone who doesn't 17 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,440 Speaker 1: just talk about mental illness. She's lived it, questioned it, 18 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 1: and found a way to put language to experiences that 19 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 1: are often hard to explain. What makes this conversation different 20 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,680 Speaker 1: is that it's not about diagnosis or definitions. It's about 21 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,120 Speaker 1: what it actually feels like to be inside your own 22 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,039 Speaker 1: mind when things don't quite make sense. The core of 23 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 1: her work is simple but powerful ideas that our stories, 24 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,880 Speaker 1: even the ones shaped my pain, are not just something 25 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 1: to survive, but something to understand, to give language to, 26 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,680 Speaker 1: and ultimately to share. Thanks for joining us today. 27 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 2: Well, I'm very excited about this. 28 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: Yes, I'm looking forward to this as well. If you 29 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,120 Speaker 1: would give our listeners a little background on what it 30 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: is that you do. 31 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm a freelance journalist based in Detroit. I've been 32 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:19,400 Speaker 2: doing creative writing for really about twenty two years now. 33 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 2: Ever since undergrad and over the years, I've got a 34 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 2: number of pieces of both journalism and creative writing published, 35 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 2: and right now I'm working on a memoir. 36 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 1: Oh, I think that's great. Now we're going to be 37 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,520 Speaker 1: talking about serious mental illness today. Can you give our 38 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 1: listeners a little background on your knowledge as the subject. 39 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 2: Well, my knowledge all comes from lived experience, though I've 40 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 2: done a number of journalism articles surrounding mental health and 41 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 2: disability over the years. Right now I'm contributing to a 42 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:58,480 Speaker 2: Michigan newspaper chain for Issue Media Group for its Michigan 43 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 2: Mental Health series. Well, for that, I'm doing stuff like 44 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:07,480 Speaker 2: research on cmh's community mental health organizations. You're in Michigan, 45 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:12,040 Speaker 2: But my primary knowledge comes from lived experience, and just 46 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 2: over the years, I've gained a lot of insight I 47 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,399 Speaker 2: think into living with a serious mental illness. 48 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:22,680 Speaker 1: Now, your lived experiences are your own life's journey. Is 49 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 1: that correct? 50 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:24,519 Speaker 2: Correct? Yes? 51 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,079 Speaker 1: I think this is an interesting topic because when most 52 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: people think about serious mental illness, they tend to picture 53 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: young men, maybe late teens into the twenties. They don't 54 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: always think about women in the same way. So have 55 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,200 Speaker 1: you experienced that and how do you respond to that 56 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 1: narrative when people don't fully understand that this can affect anyone. 57 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 2: Well, I think people definitely associate with psychosis with men, 58 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:55,200 Speaker 2: and there stereotype is men who become psychotic are violent, 59 00:03:55,960 --> 00:04:00,800 Speaker 2: even though so many people with schizophrenia are victimized rather 60 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:05,120 Speaker 2: than the victimizers. It's far more common for people to 61 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,920 Speaker 2: be victimized. But yes, I think people don't associate a 62 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:12,920 Speaker 2: history of psychosis with women. Though I've also dealt with 63 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:17,760 Speaker 2: anxiety and depression, and those are definitely associated with women. 64 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,080 Speaker 1: I think, Yeah, I can't disagree with you there now. 65 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,239 Speaker 1: In the early stages, as we all know, when people 66 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 1: start learning that they have some issues going on, it 67 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 1: can be a very scary journey. It's the unknown. Yeah, 68 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,240 Speaker 1: what did it actually feel like to be inside your 69 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 1: own mind during that time trying to make sense of 70 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,400 Speaker 1: it all? What was that journey like? 71 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 2: It was a really terrifying process. And I remember telling 72 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 2: a therapist while I was in college, it feels like 73 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 2: there's a hole in my chest and the whole hurts. 74 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 2: That's how intense the depression was. And it started out 75 00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:01,920 Speaker 2: as anxiety as a high schooler viral into depression. When 76 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 2: I think I was a freshman in high school, I 77 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:10,320 Speaker 2: stopped showering. I had the greatest roommate. She would tell me, Maggie, smell, 78 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,799 Speaker 2: take a shower. She would laugh at me, but yes. 79 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:18,479 Speaker 2: I kind of spiraled down in college and then finally 80 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,719 Speaker 2: in my sophomore year, I was becoming suicidal and knew 81 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:26,160 Speaker 2: I needed help. So I saw I was going to 82 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 2: school at the University of Michigan at the time in 83 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:34,720 Speaker 2: ann Arbor, and I just googled their counseling services, Like 84 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 2: I figured a school that big had to have a 85 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,840 Speaker 2: counseling service, and I made an appointment and went So. 86 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:44,239 Speaker 1: Once you made that first appointment and you actually got 87 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,160 Speaker 1: to see them, what was some of your concerns. 88 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 2: Well, I had a lot of preconceptions. I was very 89 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:55,120 Speaker 2: scared of medication. I thought it would change my personality. 90 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,359 Speaker 2: At the same time, I was hoping they'd put me 91 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 2: on something that would be like a magic bullet that 92 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 2: would just make everything better. They gave me a diagnosis 93 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,520 Speaker 2: of major depression, which was inaccurate, and they put me 94 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 2: on prozac, which actually made the situation worse. So it 95 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 2: was years and years before I found the right kind 96 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 2: of medication. 97 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:25,160 Speaker 1: There's always that timeframe when you're going from something's not right, 98 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:29,560 Speaker 1: something's wrong, until you have a name for it. Yes, 99 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:33,160 Speaker 1: when they actually came up with the label for it, 100 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 1: did that make things better or did it make things 101 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,680 Speaker 1: more complicated? In figuring this out, I think. 102 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 2: It's made it more complicated because my diagnosis has changed 103 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 2: a number of times over the years. It hasn't been steady, 104 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:53,200 Speaker 2: and I think psychiatrists really do diagnose the symptoms that 105 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 2: walk in the door, like the picture you present at 106 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 2: the time. As I've gone from being a really out 107 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 2: of control young woman into growing up to be a 108 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:09,120 Speaker 2: more stable, middle aged woman. Yeah, my diagnosis has evolved 109 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,040 Speaker 2: with me in that journey. 110 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 1: What's been harder for you trying to control what you 111 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,760 Speaker 1: were going through or learning when to accept it, to 112 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,960 Speaker 1: understand it and kind of surrender to it or do 113 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:24,000 Speaker 1: those feel equally challenging in different ways? 114 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 2: I say, definitely accepting it. I have a tremendous strive. 115 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 2: I've always been that way, and in many ways it's 116 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 2: helped me over the years. There was a point where 117 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,320 Speaker 2: I was living in a group home. I had spiraled 118 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:43,720 Speaker 2: down into psychosis. My parents couldn't take care of me anymore, 119 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 2: and so they transferred me to a group home for 120 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,680 Speaker 2: three months. But I was so determined to leave it, 121 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:54,760 Speaker 2: so determined, and I think my inner drive is the 122 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,920 Speaker 2: reason why I'm not still living in a group home. 123 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 2: Since then, I've gone back to volunteered to teach creative 124 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,600 Speaker 2: writing at the same group home, and many of the 125 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,800 Speaker 2: people I lived with ten years ago are still there, 126 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 2: but I've moved on. I've had both part time and 127 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 2: full time jobs I've earned a masters, I've gotten married. 128 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,120 Speaker 2: My life has not stood still. So to get back 129 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:21,800 Speaker 2: to your question, yeah, this inner drive also means it's 130 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 2: very hard to rest and it's very hard to come 131 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 2: to a sense of peace. 132 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,360 Speaker 1: You know, a lot of people walk this line where 133 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:33,760 Speaker 1: everything looks fine on the outside. They're high functioning, they're 134 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,520 Speaker 1: showing up doing what they need to do, and most 135 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,839 Speaker 1: people would never know what they're caring. What did that 136 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: look like for you? And underneath all of that when 137 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 1: you were trying to hold it together and appear okay. 138 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,600 Speaker 1: There are a lot of layers to making this all 139 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 1: look good for everyone, including yourself. So what was really 140 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,360 Speaker 1: going on in the thought processes you had to deal with? 141 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 2: Let me think about that. That's a good question. I 142 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,760 Speaker 2: think over the years, it's been so hard to come 143 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 2: to terms with it, and I've definitely wanted to present 144 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 2: a facade. I remember when I first went into counseling 145 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:17,400 Speaker 2: services at the University of Michigan, the social workers said, 146 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 2: you smile even when you're saying something sad. I was 147 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 2: trying to pretend everything was okay, and I think as 148 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:29,240 Speaker 2: I've grown older, I've stopped doing that with key people 149 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:32,960 Speaker 2: I definitely don't do that with my husband. I no 150 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,920 Speaker 2: longer do it with my parents, my best friend, and 151 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,720 Speaker 2: there was a point where I was even lying to 152 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,960 Speaker 2: my therapist, like trying to make her think everything was 153 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,760 Speaker 2: good when it wasn't. But I've discovered how vital it 154 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,559 Speaker 2: is to be honest with your mental health practitioners. 155 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,480 Speaker 1: Relationships add another layer to all of this. When you're 156 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:56,560 Speaker 1: already navigating your own internal world and then you bring 157 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 1: another person into it, there's a bridge that has to 158 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,440 Speaker 1: be built in the terms of understanding each other. What 159 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 1: was that like for you? Did it ever create challenges 160 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 1: in being understood or in understanding someone else while you 161 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 1: were still trying to make sense of yourself? 162 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 2: Definitely, though my husband was so wonderful, Maybe about six 163 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,720 Speaker 2: months after we met, my current diagnosis at that time 164 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,439 Speaker 2: was bipolar one, so he asked me if he could 165 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:30,679 Speaker 2: come to a therapist's appointment with me with my therapist 166 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 2: to ask questions about how he could better support me. 167 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,559 Speaker 2: I can't remember exactly when in the relationship that was, 168 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 2: but it was actually early, so he was very much 169 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,680 Speaker 2: on board from the beginning. It took me. I think 170 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:47,559 Speaker 2: it was our third date before I told him about 171 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:53,080 Speaker 2: my diagnosis. I both didn't want to conceal something from him, 172 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,800 Speaker 2: but at the same time wanted him to get to 173 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 2: know me the real man for a while before mentioning 174 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 2: that diagnosis, And there were other things that I was 175 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 2: honest with him about, but it took me a while. 176 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 2: At one point, my parents had guardianship. I just fell 177 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,360 Speaker 2: apart so completely, so it took me a while to 178 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:17,960 Speaker 2: tell Tim about the guardianship. But eventually when it was terminated, 179 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,880 Speaker 2: we celebrated by going out for Hamburgers. 180 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,600 Speaker 1: In any relationship, there's always that learning curve. You're getting 181 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,400 Speaker 1: to know each other, the little quirks, the habits, all 182 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,440 Speaker 1: of it. But when you're also dealing with something internal 183 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:33,640 Speaker 1: like this, it can feel like everything is just amplified. 184 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 1: How did that play out for you in your relationships? 185 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,679 Speaker 1: How did you find a sense of inner peace within 186 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 1: that where someone could see your struggles, your imperfections and 187 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,080 Speaker 1: still meet you there that allowed you to keep building 188 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: something special. 189 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 2: I do want to emphasize it's a relationship of equals. Okay, 190 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,000 Speaker 2: I do get very tired because of my medication regimen, 191 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,040 Speaker 2: so I'd say Tim does more around the house, but 192 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 2: on the other hand, I handle all the cooking, which 193 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 2: I really love. I really love to cook. And I'm 194 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,920 Speaker 2: as much there for him as he is for me, 195 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:13,400 Speaker 2: like asking him about his stay, making sure things are 196 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,959 Speaker 2: going well for him, just a number of different things 197 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:21,120 Speaker 2: that were a partnership. And he's never condescended to me 198 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:26,400 Speaker 2: about my mind or the trustworthiness of my mind. He 199 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:28,199 Speaker 2: consults my judgment. 200 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:33,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, was there a moment, big or small where things 201 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,720 Speaker 1: seemed to shift a little bit, Not where everything felt fixed, 202 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,720 Speaker 1: but where something inside you seemed to change and because 203 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 1: of that you saw everything moving in a positive direction. 204 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:49,720 Speaker 2: Actually, I had a tremendous moment like that. It came 205 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 2: in two thy sixteen, and I had hit rock bottom. 206 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 2: I had driven my car a distance away and overdose 207 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,560 Speaker 2: two times in a row like separation of two weeks. 208 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 2: I nearly killed myself. And after that, in the hospital, 209 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,840 Speaker 2: I asked my mom to bring me my Bible because 210 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,240 Speaker 2: I really didn't know where else to turn at that point. 211 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:19,840 Speaker 2: So yeah, I really turned to my faith. That kind 212 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,200 Speaker 2: of helped me believe I could change, and I just 213 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:27,720 Speaker 2: determined to completely turn my life around. So yeah, after 214 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:32,200 Speaker 2: too many suicide attempts, to keep track of I haven't 215 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:33,800 Speaker 2: had one in ten years. 216 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 1: I've talked with people who describe having this kind of 217 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,720 Speaker 1: inner voice during their hardest moments. Sometimes it feels like 218 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:45,000 Speaker 1: a running dialogue, almost like something talking to them or 219 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,680 Speaker 1: guiding their thoughts. Did you experience anything like that, and 220 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,559 Speaker 1: if you did, how did that inner voice show up 221 00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:54,640 Speaker 1: for you during those difficult times, and how has that 222 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 1: relationship with it changed over time? 223 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 2: Yeah? Actually today I don't hear voices. I might have 224 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:06,000 Speaker 2: heard voices a couple times in my life, but I don't. Currently. 225 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:10,360 Speaker 2: The illness is completely under control. I mean I sometimes 226 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:14,640 Speaker 2: do get odd thoughts, but I managed those. So, yes, 227 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:18,480 Speaker 2: my medication regimen is working very well for me. But yes, 228 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 2: in the midst of my bowtest psychosis in twenty fifteen 229 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 2: twenty sixteen, I had some terrible delusions, really tremendously traumatizing. 230 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:33,680 Speaker 2: It's obviously very traumatizing to believe somebody is trying to 231 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 2: kill you and really really believe it. And there were 232 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,840 Speaker 2: a couple times where I thought somebody had poisoned me 233 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 2: and I was going to fall asleep and never wake up. 234 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 2: But yeah, nothing like that in a long time now. 235 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,920 Speaker 1: From what you just said, you felt like someone was 236 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 1: trying to harm you. 237 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 2: Yes. 238 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,840 Speaker 1: Now you've also mentioned at different times you tried to 239 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,760 Speaker 1: commit suicide. Now you had two very different directions, part 240 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,280 Speaker 1: of you wanting to disappear in another part of you 241 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 1: trying to hold on and stay safe. Can you explain 242 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,600 Speaker 1: your thought process of that. 243 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:11,200 Speaker 2: I think the cruxa it was that who was in 244 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,720 Speaker 2: control when I was trying to kill myself. I was 245 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 2: in control, at least I thought. 246 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 1: I wasn't sure that makes sense, But if. 247 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 2: Somebody else was trying to kill me, that was very 248 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,000 Speaker 2: scary because then they were doing something to me that 249 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 2: I couldn't control. 250 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,240 Speaker 1: That's a great answer. I think that explains everything about 251 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,000 Speaker 1: as good as you possibly can. Now I've had the 252 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 1: opportunity to talk to people about their medication regiment. It 253 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,200 Speaker 1: seems by the time that they found the correct medication 254 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,360 Speaker 1: and got it all under control, they lost a decade. 255 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 1: For most of the people I've spoken with, from the 256 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:51,080 Speaker 1: time that they find point A to point B, they've 257 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 1: lost a decade. Was that a similar situation for you 258 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 1: or did you get from point A to point B 259 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,080 Speaker 1: a little sooner? 260 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 2: Actually? No, so I do feel like I lost gosh, 261 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,360 Speaker 2: I was sick from nineteen to when I was about 262 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:10,760 Speaker 2: thirty three, Okay, so maybe about fourteen years. And I 263 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 2: do now feel much younger than I actually am. Okay, 264 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,560 Speaker 2: like I'm starting to get some gray hairs, Like who 265 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 2: in the world is this person? I feel like I'm 266 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 2: in my early thirties. Yeah, developmentally I might be more 267 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,840 Speaker 2: in my early thirties too. I think I was kind 268 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 2: of frozen in time for a while. 269 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:35,000 Speaker 1: I often think about this idea of shame versus truth, 270 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 1: because mental illness can carry a lot of stigma, especially 271 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 1: early on. Was this something you once felt ashamed of 272 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,480 Speaker 1: that now you're able to talk about openly, And what 273 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 1: changed for you in the shift from holding it in 274 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,880 Speaker 1: to being willing to share it. 275 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:55,200 Speaker 2: Well, for a number of years, I dealt with self harm. 276 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,960 Speaker 2: I was tremendously ashamed of that. I tried to hide 277 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 2: it un success, and it kind of took over my 278 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 2: life for a while. It really was an addiction. But 279 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,480 Speaker 2: as I've moved away from it and i've stopped, I've 280 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:15,320 Speaker 2: gotten more comfortable speaking about the struggle, maybe because it's 281 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,680 Speaker 2: from a place of security and wellness, but I'm no 282 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:22,480 Speaker 2: longer ashamed. It's a very common struggle It's a way 283 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:25,320 Speaker 2: a lot of people deal with their big emotions. It's 284 00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:28,800 Speaker 2: a coping tool. I now at least understand why I 285 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:29,520 Speaker 2: was doing it. 286 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,440 Speaker 1: This seems to be a gap between help and healing 287 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,240 Speaker 1: a lot of people out there are looking for help, 288 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,840 Speaker 1: yet they still feel stuck. What did you learn about 289 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:43,120 Speaker 1: getting help and then actually really healing. 290 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,600 Speaker 2: I think healing takes a choice number one. It probably 291 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:52,919 Speaker 2: stems from a choice, so it's motivated by yourself. I 292 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:57,920 Speaker 2: think help comes from outside. It's something mental health professionals 293 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,680 Speaker 2: and parents and loved one kind of try to impose 294 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 2: from the outside. But healing comes is self motivated. 295 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:10,119 Speaker 1: When you're living with that stigma of mental illness, you 296 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,119 Speaker 1: have a position of where you overcome. Then you have 297 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,400 Speaker 1: a position of where you manage. How has that become 298 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,040 Speaker 1: a part of who you are? How does the definition 299 00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:25,400 Speaker 1: of overcoming, managing, and healing overlap each other for you? 300 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,720 Speaker 2: It's another good question. I've noticed a lot of people 301 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:34,919 Speaker 2: when I attend a support group, they introduce themselves by saying, Hi, 302 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:39,359 Speaker 2: I'm Meg and I cope with anxiety, or how I'm 303 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,679 Speaker 2: Meg and I'm depressed. I try to avoid that, like 304 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:46,680 Speaker 2: I'll say, how I'm meg, I'm married, I have four cats. 305 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,720 Speaker 2: This is what I do for a living. Like, I 306 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:54,159 Speaker 2: don't define myself by the illness. It's far from the 307 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 2: most important thing about me. It's a piece of the puzzle, 308 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,680 Speaker 2: it's not the entire puzzle. Well, there's so much more 309 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:06,080 Speaker 2: to me than illness. So yeah, I just encourage people 310 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:10,760 Speaker 2: out there to brainstorm, like what's important to you? Introduce 311 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,880 Speaker 2: yourself using those other aspects. 312 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,600 Speaker 1: Let's say a person is listening to this podcast two 313 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,879 Speaker 1: o'clock in the morning, they are failing alone in their 314 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:24,800 Speaker 1: own mind. What would you tell them, not as advice, 315 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,000 Speaker 1: just from someone that's been there. 316 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:32,320 Speaker 2: It does get better, it really can. I believe anybody 317 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,639 Speaker 2: can turn their life around. But yes, it does come 318 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:40,040 Speaker 2: I think from a personal choice, which is not to 319 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 2: dismiss the power of these illnesses or the fact that 320 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 2: everybody needs support, but ultimately, who is in the driver's seat. 321 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 2: I think for so many years I put other things 322 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:56,440 Speaker 2: in the driver's seat. I put self harm, I put 323 00:19:56,560 --> 00:20:01,159 Speaker 2: my illness. I had issues with eating, so I really 324 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,639 Speaker 2: put fear and shame in the driver's seat. And then 325 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,119 Speaker 2: when I kind of made a decision to get better, 326 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,639 Speaker 2: it was doing little things for a long time, even 327 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 2: before they paid off, like going for a walk around 328 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:20,439 Speaker 2: the neighborhood or taking that dose of medication in the morning. 329 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,680 Speaker 2: I wasn't seeing them pay off yet, but I had 330 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 2: to have faith they would, and eventually, as I did 331 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 2: that day by day, they eventually did pay off. 332 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,360 Speaker 1: When you reflect on your story and your journey of 333 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 1: what you used to think back then it could have 334 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 1: been unbroken. I've got problems. Do you look back now 335 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,840 Speaker 1: at some of those things that you thought were broken 336 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,240 Speaker 1: and look at it completely different than you did. Has 337 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,360 Speaker 1: that perspective changed for you at all? 338 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:54,639 Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely, it's actually changed quite dramatically. I'm at peace 339 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,680 Speaker 2: with having this illness, and I wouldn't change anything about 340 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,199 Speaker 2: the past. I'm okay with the past as it is. 341 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:06,159 Speaker 2: I used to feel tremendous shame around my illness, but 342 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,160 Speaker 2: I've gone through an immense amount of suffering. Well, suffering 343 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,040 Speaker 2: shapes a person, and it's made the person. 344 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:16,439 Speaker 1: I am okay. So going along with that, if you 345 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,919 Speaker 1: was to go back and talk with your earlier self, 346 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:24,400 Speaker 1: knowing your mindset back, then, what would surprise you in 347 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 1: how you're living in today's world. 348 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:31,640 Speaker 2: Well, I've had to modify expectations, like, my life looks 349 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,200 Speaker 2: very different than the one I had hoped for when 350 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 2: I was a teenager. On the other hand, I think 351 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,720 Speaker 2: it's better than the life I had hoped for. My 352 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,480 Speaker 2: mom once said to me, she gives great advice. She 353 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:49,399 Speaker 2: once said something to me along the lines of, I 354 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,879 Speaker 2: don't think you would have chosen a person as general 355 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,640 Speaker 2: as your husband to marry if you didn't have this illness. 356 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:01,159 Speaker 2: And I think that's true, and he's the right person 357 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:01,520 Speaker 2: for me. 358 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,160 Speaker 1: In conversations I have where we talk about serious mental 359 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:09,240 Speaker 1: illness and other forms of mental illness, the word strength 360 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,480 Speaker 1: always comes up in her strength out of strength, strength 361 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,880 Speaker 1: to get through things. What does strength look like when 362 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:20,160 Speaker 1: you're in the middle of a crisis, not after it? 363 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 2: Oh wow, I guess get through minute by minute? Okay, 364 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,879 Speaker 2: it really is minute by minute. Yeah, And minutes grow 365 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,920 Speaker 2: into half an hour, an hour, and suddenly you've been 366 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,439 Speaker 2: alive for another twenty four hours, which is good. 367 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:40,240 Speaker 1: Yeah. 368 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,680 Speaker 2: So yeah, just get through minute by minute. One time, 369 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:47,480 Speaker 2: somebody said to me, Meg, sometimes the best thing to 370 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,200 Speaker 2: do is to do nothing. And I think she said 371 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 2: that to me because I was so impulsive and many 372 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:57,919 Speaker 2: people in the throes of a crisis are impulsive, so 373 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 2: maybe sometimes just take some deep brass and do nothing. 374 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:05,360 Speaker 1: Was there a moment, whether it be talking with someone 375 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,159 Speaker 1: or in any essays that you might have done with 376 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:14,200 Speaker 1: your publications, where you finally felt like, hey, I'm being 377 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:18,400 Speaker 1: seen here. They're not just seeing you, but now they're 378 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:19,960 Speaker 1: starting to understand you. 379 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,960 Speaker 2: I think that's been the project of the book I'm 380 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 2: working on. 381 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:24,920 Speaker 1: Okay, all right. 382 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:30,159 Speaker 2: I really want people to read my story, okay, And 383 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 2: it's very healing when they see it as a whole 384 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 2: arc with a beginning and an ending. And also the 385 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:42,040 Speaker 2: writing can get across experiences and ways I can't. Actually, 386 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:46,400 Speaker 2: my therapist is reading it. She's going above and beyond, 387 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,720 Speaker 2: and I deeply appreciate that. I think it makes her 388 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 2: a better therapist. 389 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,359 Speaker 1: You know a lot of therapists come from a strong 390 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 1: educational background. They've studied it, they understand it from a 391 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: clinical perspective, but there's always something different about lived experience. 392 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,040 Speaker 1: Over the years, have you noticed a difference between providers 393 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,560 Speaker 1: who are more textbook based versus those who seem to 394 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,800 Speaker 1: really understand it on a deeper, more human level. How 395 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:18,399 Speaker 1: did that impact the kind of guidance and support that 396 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:19,160 Speaker 1: you received. 397 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:23,399 Speaker 2: Yeah, some people understand where I'm coming from much better 398 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:27,159 Speaker 2: than others. There were therapists who told me I should 399 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,040 Speaker 2: make peace with living in the group home. It was 400 00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 2: a good place to be at the time, but yet 401 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,960 Speaker 2: I needed to move on. So there were times when 402 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:40,840 Speaker 2: I needed to move forward and therapists weren't as supportive 403 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:41,960 Speaker 2: as I want them to be. 404 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,640 Speaker 1: So do you have people that reach out to you 405 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,280 Speaker 1: and tell you their stories? Is that part of your 406 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,160 Speaker 1: writing as well? 407 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 2: Actually, usually I go out and find them, But if 408 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,000 Speaker 2: anybody wants to find me, that's okay too. 409 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 1: Okay, how do they find you? 410 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:59,920 Speaker 2: Well, I do have a website. I have a portfolio website, 411 00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:04,080 Speaker 2: and there's a contact page, and then I've also been 412 00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:08,280 Speaker 2: writing for Psychology Today, and I believe there's a contact 413 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,040 Speaker 2: link on my articles. 414 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's great. Now, is there one last thing that 415 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,280 Speaker 1: you would like to tell our audience that would give 416 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,199 Speaker 1: them a little more knowledge on the perception they have 417 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 1: in what they think it is to what it actually 418 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 1: is in reality. 419 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 2: People get very scared when you start talking about psychosis, 420 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,639 Speaker 2: and they think it's a death sentence. There are no 421 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,359 Speaker 2: words for how traumatizing it is, But on the other hand, 422 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:39,200 Speaker 2: it's not a death sentence. People with the illness can 423 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:43,439 Speaker 2: and do recover. The stigma is so intense. I don't 424 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:48,280 Speaker 2: think people understand one how traumatizing it is, but two 425 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:51,520 Speaker 2: there are ways to manage the trauma and recover. 426 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:57,440 Speaker 1: True. Well, I've really enjoyed this very interesting, very informative. 427 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,159 Speaker 1: I really appreciate you taking the time. Did you join 428 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:00,720 Speaker 1: us today? 429 00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:04,200 Speaker 2: No problem? This was great, Thanks so much, Tony, It's. 430 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,840 Speaker 1: Been my pleasure. Thanks again, A big thank you to 431 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,720 Speaker 1: our guest for sharing their journey. If today's conversation helped 432 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,400 Speaker 1: you see the world a little differently, then we're doing 433 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,720 Speaker 1: exactly what we hope to do. Until next time, keep believing, 434 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:23,800 Speaker 1: keep learning, and most importantly, keep asking yourself, why not Me? 435 00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:33,080 Speaker 1: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to 436 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,959 Speaker 1: listen to our show today. We hope you enjoyed it 437 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,640 Speaker 1: as much as we enjoyed bringing it to you. If 438 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,960 Speaker 1: you know someone who has a story to share, tell 439 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,800 Speaker 1: them to contact us at why Notme? Dot world. One 440 00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:53,960 Speaker 1: last thing, spread the word about why not Me, our conversations, 441 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:59,439 Speaker 1: our inspiring guests, the show. You are not alone in 442 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:00,280 Speaker 1: this world,