Speaker 1: Welcome to Go ask Ali, a production of Shonda Land
Speaker 1: Audio and partnership with I Heart Radio hi Emli went Worth,
Speaker 1: And you're listening to Go ask Ali. Where this season
Speaker 1: I'm asking the question, how do you grow a teenager
Speaker 1: in a pandemic? I am very eager to jump into
Speaker 1: today's topic, decoding teenage boys in the pandemic. Boys are
Speaker 1: something I know nothing about. I have two teenage girls
Speaker 1: and my husband, George Stephanopolis, which I guess you could
Speaker 1: call a teenage boy, but as a parent myself, I
Speaker 1: know they were all curious about how all of our
Speaker 1: children are adjusting to the new normal. We've talked a
Speaker 1: lot in previous episodes about teenage girls, so I'm excited
Speaker 1: today to talk about the boys. I don't know what
Speaker 1: they're thinking, what they're doing, and I know there's a
Speaker 1: lot of stuff that has to do with the penis.
Speaker 1: Before we dive in, we have a very, very very
Speaker 1: special guest coming in at the beginning of my podcast,
Speaker 1: my gorgeous eighteen year old girl, Elliott Stephanopolis. Yes, she
Speaker 1: was in the studio for another episode and she has
Speaker 1: a few things to say about teenage boys. To get
Speaker 1: off her chest. I feel really secure in who I
Speaker 1: am as a person, Like I know I'm a good person,
Speaker 1: I know I'm a loyal friend, I know I'm a
Speaker 1: good daughter. I feel safe in that, whereas in my
Speaker 1: exterior I don't feel as comfortable and secure. What is
Speaker 1: it going to take for you to feel comfortable and secure?
Speaker 1: And I don't know, Um, I do not know. But
Speaker 1: isn't that part of being a teenage girl is your
Speaker 1: body is changing and girls get secure and insecure about
Speaker 1: certain things. Not only girls, boys are super insecure. I
Speaker 1: always never I knew that teenage boys were insecure until
Speaker 1: I was a teenage girl who knew teenage boys and
Speaker 1: teenage boys are just as insecure as teenage girl about
Speaker 1: their bodies. Uh, I'm sure about their height, right, heights
Speaker 1: a big thing for boys with acne, all that kind
Speaker 1: of stuff, right, No, yeah, height, acne, hair, abs, arms, legs,
Speaker 1: physical bolt like all those things. But like just for me,
Speaker 1: like I'm insecure about my facial features, a guy is
Speaker 1: just as insure about the spacial features of the teenage boy.
Speaker 1: I feel people don't understand that it's also hard to
Speaker 1: be a teenage boy. Guys have the same amount of
Speaker 1: insecurity as we do, in the same stress as we do.
Speaker 1: It's just different. Elliott, thank you for stopping by. I
Speaker 1: always appreciate your incredible insight. And if you're listening to
Speaker 1: this podcast, write your college essay now to get to
Speaker 1: an expert's opinion. I'm speaking today with Kara Naderson. She's
Speaker 1: a pediatrician, consultant and New York Times bestselling author of
Speaker 1: numerous puberty and parenting books, including my absolute favorite, Decoding Boys. Kara,
Speaker 1: thank you for being on the show today. So what
Speaker 1: I want to do with you is bray down teenage
Speaker 1: boys in general and then figure out how we deal
Speaker 1: with some of these aspects of these guys in a pandemic. Okay,
Speaker 1: so let's start with um. One thing I can say
Speaker 1: about my girls is that they're very They're very social.
Speaker 1: They need to be close. Uh, the whole idea of
Speaker 1: girl friends is a very big deal to them. But
Speaker 1: teenage boys not so much. I mean, they don't get
Speaker 1: as close and verbal as girls. Right. As a society,
Speaker 1: I think we sometimes gender things that don't deserve gendering.
Speaker 1: So boys definitely get close with one another, no question
Speaker 1: about it. Um, it's the verbal piece that's the part
Speaker 1: that the average girl is chattier when she goes into
Speaker 1: puberty than the average voice. Doesn't mean it doesn't go
Speaker 1: the other way for some kids. But the the need
Speaker 1: for connection and the social piece of all of this,
Speaker 1: and the transformation of body and and world during puberty,
Speaker 1: those were really very similar for girl. You know, I
Speaker 1: my daughters had a book in school, um, and it
Speaker 1: was sort of a cartooned sex education book called Practically
Speaker 1: Normal I think it was called. And it was all
Speaker 1: pictures of like genitalia and all the differences and and I,
Speaker 1: you know, I'd have to read two of my daughters
Speaker 1: from this book because it was mandated by the school.
Speaker 1: And it was always pictured that the girls were, um
Speaker 1: much more self aware, but self conscious, like they're always
Speaker 1: looking in the mirror, brushing their hair or hiding their breasts.
Speaker 1: And the boys were always depicted as just kind of
Speaker 1: like out there literally with their dicks hanging out. And
Speaker 1: so do you find that to be true? I find
Speaker 1: it to be true in every book, But in real
Speaker 1: life no, because you also have a teenage girl and
Speaker 1: a teenage boy. I do. I have a just seventeen
Speaker 1: year old girl and a fifteen year old boy year
Speaker 1: old girl. So there you go into tears so um
Speaker 1: so the stereotypes of all for a reason. But they're
Speaker 1: old and they're dated. Let's just sort of turn back
Speaker 1: time by about twenty to thirty years and think about
Speaker 1: how when we were growing up, no one talked openly
Speaker 1: to us about puberty, bodies, no one talked about periods.
Speaker 1: You know, in large group settings. It wasn't a whole
Speaker 1: ware your heart on your sleeve situation for girls. That
Speaker 1: has really evolved in the last couple of decades, right, Why,
Speaker 1: I think it has a lot to do with women
Speaker 1: finding voice. I think, um, you know this book series
Speaker 1: that I'm involved with, it preceded me the Karen Keeping
Speaker 1: of you came out, became a voice for middle school girls.
Speaker 1: You own what was happening in a very friendly and
Speaker 1: warm way. Social media me too. They're all of these
Speaker 1: things that layer up to make girls feel like they
Speaker 1: should take the voice that they're coming into in puberty
Speaker 1: and use it. Not for boys. Right, we are still
Speaker 1: in where we were in night for boys. Where boys
Speaker 1: go into puberty, they get a little quieter. Parents go, oh,
Speaker 1: he's in puberty. Let's let him shut the door and
Speaker 1: lock the world out that's just what they do. Or
Speaker 1: you know, I don't want to know what goes on
Speaker 1: behind that door. That's the other path. But either way,
Speaker 1: they let their boys shut down and and shut up literally,
Speaker 1: And so I think me to really UM taught us
Speaker 1: as parents that girls and boys need language. That the
Speaker 1: thing that is going to protect you most in your
Speaker 1: transition from adolescence to adulthood is being able to articulate
Speaker 1: your experience and what didn't didn't happen and why and
Speaker 1: talking to someone about what isn't isn't okay. We know
Speaker 1: we have to give our girls that language. How are
Speaker 1: we not giving our boys that language? So that's the
Speaker 1: turning point. It's so interesting because with my two girls,
Speaker 1: particularly at this moment, I feel like there's a whole
Speaker 1: new vernacular for them, and I find that the conversations
Speaker 1: I have with them, whether they're about masturbation or their
Speaker 1: periods or whatever, is much more advanced and much more
Speaker 1: open than it was when I was a teenager. Um
Speaker 1: even how they how they change the language of Like
Speaker 1: my daughter will say, you don't say you you lose
Speaker 1: your virginity, Mom, It's not something to lose or it's
Speaker 1: not something to give. I'm not giving. You know, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't give somebody my Virginia. You know very um you
Speaker 1: know has a feminist bland bent to it, and they're
Speaker 1: very conscious of that. Um. I do know that now boys,
Speaker 1: teenage boys are having to learn all kinds of new
Speaker 1: agendas and words like consent um. And I have friends
Speaker 1: with teenage boys who are terrified because you know, they're
Speaker 1: afraid to make a wrong move or say the wrong thing.
Speaker 1: And this is a whole new landscape for teenage boys, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: And I write a lot about consent because I think
Speaker 1: it's the best example of why we need to talk
Speaker 1: to our sons. We talk to our daughters when my
Speaker 1: daughter shuts the door on me, When your daughters shut
Speaker 1: the door on you, you go in there and you
Speaker 1: have that conversation. Right. My job, I think when I
Speaker 1: talk about boys and parenting boys, is to connect the
Speaker 1: dots for parents from what is happening in your home
Speaker 1: now to that exact scenario of consent when they are
Speaker 1: not in your house and going, Okay, how can I
Speaker 1: make sure that my sons are protected in that scenario? Oh? Oh,
Speaker 1: I teach them how to talk. I teach them how
Speaker 1: to have conversation, how to ask questions, and how to
Speaker 1: articulate what they want to because you think that we
Speaker 1: we lived in this old model of you know, it's
Speaker 1: almost like you have to protect the girls. So we
Speaker 1: talked to them it's all about protecting, protecting, And with
Speaker 1: the boys, it was always well, boys will be boys,
Speaker 1: like there was you know, just bananas, yes, bananas. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So let's take um, let's take the hormones, and let's
Speaker 1: take the video games. Let's take all the stuff that
Speaker 1: kind of if I made a painting of a teenage boy,
Speaker 1: these are all the things I would show, and let's
Speaker 1: put it in a pandemic. So since we're starting to
Speaker 1: talk a little bit, yeah it's Friday, Um, let's talk
Speaker 1: about kind of the hormones and this the sexual stuff first,
Speaker 1: because I would imagine right now for teenage boys and
Speaker 1: they're starting to socialize and have parties and again, but
Speaker 1: their hormones must be raging. I mean, they must be
Speaker 1: losing their minds. Okay, So how about if we do
Speaker 1: a minute on hormones and a minute on brain development
Speaker 1: and talk about the intersection of those two things, because
Speaker 1: that is exactly what you're getting at right, allow me everything.
Speaker 1: So here we go sixty seconds of everything. Um. Girl,
Speaker 1: puberty is driven by a bunch of hormones, but estrogen
Speaker 1: is the lead. Right. All these hormones they circulate both
Speaker 1: above and below the neck, so they're responsible for all
Speaker 1: the body changes, but they also impact mood and and
Speaker 1: the way you interact with people and the way your
Speaker 1: brain works. Right, So estrogen for girls, by the way,
Speaker 1: girl puberty on average starts between ages eight and nine. Now,
Speaker 1: this is very different than why so early? Because because
Speaker 1: did the New Puberty, which is a book that is
Speaker 1: now actually like three or four years old, fantastic book
Speaker 1: that basically says, we're trying to figure it out, and
Speaker 1: uh and they aren't. They're scientists all over trying to
Speaker 1: figure it out. But it's two full years earlier than
Speaker 1: when we were going through puberty. But puberty takes twice
Speaker 1: as long now. So puberty for girls estrogen driven. Um,
Speaker 1: and estrogen has a whole set of impacts on the
Speaker 1: brain pubey for boys testosterone driven okay, and puberty for
Speaker 1: boys on average starts between ages nine and ten. Everyone
Speaker 1: thinks boys are not in puberty until their twelve thirteen,
Speaker 1: fourteen some aren't, but the vast majority are. That's just
Speaker 1: the first couple of years of puberty. For boys. All
Speaker 1: that's happening is their testicles are growing, because that's the
Speaker 1: testosterone machine. Their testicles are where you make testosterone. So
Speaker 1: it's so it's not the first time you see pubic hair.
Speaker 1: Care has nothing to do actually with the ability to reproduce.
Speaker 1: It is on a totally different hormonal pass. So a
Speaker 1: lot of parents will see pubic hair or under oarm
Speaker 1: hair and they think their kids in puberty. Technically they're not.
Speaker 1: It's complicated. No. I found that out with my eldest
Speaker 1: because we thought she was going through puberty early because
Speaker 1: she had hair. And then our sweet pedatrician said, no,
Speaker 1: it's ethnic. She's half Greek, and yeah, there you go.
Speaker 1: I mean right, it's just hair down there, has nothing
Speaker 1: to do with being able to have to reproduce at
Speaker 1: any point. So that's the hormone piece. And yes, testosterone
Speaker 1: can make boys fail horny in the same way that
Speaker 1: estrogen and all the other female hormones can make girls
Speaker 1: fail horny. But that's not what is at the crux
Speaker 1: of the pandemic piece. What's at the crux of the
Speaker 1: pandemic piece is the maturation of the brain. So the
Speaker 1: brain matures very slowly and very linearly from the time
Speaker 1: you're born until you're about thirty. And what happens is
Speaker 1: two things. The brain grows and drinks, and grows and drinks.
Speaker 1: You use some parts, you lose other parts that you
Speaker 1: don't use. It's called pruning. That's one piece of brain development.
Speaker 1: The other piece of brain development is called mylination, and
Speaker 1: that's the insulation of the neurons in the brain. Why
Speaker 1: does millination matter because an insulated neuron sends a message
Speaker 1: much much faster. It's like if you plugged your phone
Speaker 1: into a charger and there was none of the white
Speaker 1: plastic coating on the outside, you could charge your phone
Speaker 1: and just take forever. So that's what happens in your brain.
Speaker 1: When you have a milinated nerve, a signals travels really fast,
Speaker 1: and when you have an unmolinated nerve, it travels really slowly.
Speaker 1: The part of the brain that is last to mature,
Speaker 1: last to milinate is the prefrontal cortex. That's significant because
Speaker 1: that's the part of the brain that makes smart, long
Speaker 1: term consequential decisions. The part of the brain that makes
Speaker 1: risky and bad decisions is fully developed by the time
Speaker 1: you're in about fourth or fifth grade, and the part
Speaker 1: of the brain that can override it and be smart
Speaker 1: is not going to get there till you're almost thirty.
Speaker 1: And that's your teenager who's trying to run out the
Speaker 1: front door and have sex with someone. As soon as
Speaker 1: the gates are lifted in pandemic, right or whatever it is,
Speaker 1: or vapor, you know, you can fill in any any
Speaker 1: activity you want. So that's the issue with with the
Speaker 1: brain development is it's an imbalance in the brain. And
Speaker 1: girls have it too. By the way, we all know
Speaker 1: the kids who can access their prefrontal cortex very easily.
Speaker 1: They're the ones who are always making a good decision.
Speaker 1: They're the ones who you never have to worry about
Speaker 1: that girl. Right. Why, well, those kids have taught themselves
Speaker 1: to wait a second. The message can get to that
Speaker 1: part of that brain. It exists, it just takes more time,
Speaker 1: and they have taught themselves to access that part of
Speaker 1: their brain to make the smartyr decisions. So when you
Speaker 1: have teenagers in pandemic, you have the intersection of raging
Speaker 1: hormones and undeveloped prefrontal cortices, and that combination makes for
Speaker 1: really dumb decisions. So what are some of those dumb decisions.
Speaker 1: I'm just curious. They're dumb decisions that have been made
Speaker 1: for centuries, right, it's not just specific to this time,
Speaker 1: but in this time where we know we have to
Speaker 1: wear masks, and we know we have to keep six
Speaker 1: ft of distance, and we know we need to wash
Speaker 1: our hands, and we know we need to, you know,
Speaker 1: limit the number of people were around. When freedom is
Speaker 1: allowed in a different way, when some of the rules
Speaker 1: are lift did it's very hard to turn down um
Speaker 1: that the brain stimulation you get from a peer group,
Speaker 1: the limbic system, the emotional part of the brain is
Speaker 1: just on fire when kids are around, and it feels
Speaker 1: so good. It's a dopamine hit. It feels great to
Speaker 1: have your friends around. And so then they take the
Speaker 1: masks off, and then they get closer than six feed
Speaker 1: and then someone starts drinking, and then you really lose
Speaker 1: your inhibitions, and then you know all thatts are off.
Speaker 1: But it's it's the first bad decision in pandemic that
Speaker 1: starts at all. We're going to take a short break
Speaker 1: and we'll be right back, welcome back with more go
Speaker 1: ask Gali, So, how could they How could colleges possibly
Speaker 1: think that they could open when we know that these
Speaker 1: are teenagers whose brain hasn't fully developed, and that when
Speaker 1: they are in this situation, they're going to want to
Speaker 1: do everything you just said. Yeah, I have not understood
Speaker 1: the decision for colleges to open other than being a
Speaker 1: financially given decision. I have not understood that decision from
Speaker 1: day one. It makes no sense. Only very small colleges
Speaker 1: that can essentially create a sort of an island of
Speaker 1: you know, screening, but they're not impenetrable. And what are
Speaker 1: What should we say to our teenage girls and our
Speaker 1: teenage boys right now when they're in states that are
Speaker 1: slowly opening up? I mean, how do you speak to
Speaker 1: the teenage brain when it's not that receptive to being hearing?
Speaker 1: You have to keep your face mask on. Well, what's
Speaker 1: so interesting is it is receptive. I mean people say
Speaker 1: to me all the time, my kid doesn't want to
Speaker 1: listen to anything. I have to say my two answers
Speaker 1: to that are as follows. First of all, they do
Speaker 1: as we do, not as we say. So you want
Speaker 1: your kid to wear a mouth, put on a man ask.
Speaker 1: You want your kid to keep distance, and you keep distance.
Speaker 1: You want your kid to not go out with friends,
Speaker 1: don't go out with friends yourself. Right, This is like
Speaker 1: a no brainer. It's like when they were two. Right,
Speaker 1: you don't want your kid to cross the street without
Speaker 1: going to a crosswalk and looking both ways. You're not
Speaker 1: going to jaywalk with your kid. It's all the same, right,
Speaker 1: It's like parenting one on one. So that piece I
Speaker 1: think is really important to remind parents of because it
Speaker 1: really empowers the kids to make the right decision. But
Speaker 1: the other, probably the most important parenting advice that I
Speaker 1: give across the board is explain your rationale. Always answer
Speaker 1: every limit with why. And you're not apologizing. You're not
Speaker 1: saying I'm so sorry. I'm setting this role around. So
Speaker 1: you're saying, hey, I don't want you going to a
Speaker 1: party because and tell him why. Because it feels impossible
Speaker 1: to me that you can really follow all of these rules.
Speaker 1: And you're living in a house with people who could
Speaker 1: get really sick and die from COVID, and it's my
Speaker 1: job to help protect everyone who lives under this room.
Speaker 1: How can I send you talk to them like rational
Speaker 1: human beings. They are really really smart. They most of
Speaker 1: them are connected to the world in ways that we
Speaker 1: do not appreciate. They have news sources that may not
Speaker 1: be our news sources, but they are solid news sources.
Speaker 1: And they know a lot about a lot. And if
Speaker 1: you don't talk to them as if they know a
Speaker 1: lot about a lot, they feel patronized, they feel caged,
Speaker 1: and then it is their job to test the limit. Right,
Speaker 1: Um it's I had spoken in an earlier podcast about
Speaker 1: social media and girls. You know that, particularly during the pandemic,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of sexualization and a lot of board
Speaker 1: girls doing bikini shots and and sexting and whatever. What
Speaker 1: are boys doing when in lockdown or when they're they're
Speaker 1: in quarantine is all about energy going into Fortnite to
Speaker 1: video games, because I can't imagine they're on social media
Speaker 1: as much as girls. All Right, we give boys the
Speaker 1: pass on all the stuff that we're afraid of our
Speaker 1: girls doing, like the nudes and all that. They do
Speaker 1: not get the pass. Let me tell you they are
Speaker 1: taking just as many pictures of themselves. They're engaging in
Speaker 1: all the same stuff the girls are there. Again. Dopamine.
Speaker 1: Dopamine in their brains, so they are just as turned
Speaker 1: on by it UM sort of neurochemically as the girls are. UM.
Speaker 1: The biggest difference between the way girls and boys exchange
Speaker 1: images UM and sexualized themselves is that UM girls are
Speaker 1: almost always identifiable in their sexualized imagery. Even if it's
Speaker 1: a a nude shot and they're lifting their shirt, they
Speaker 1: almost always cut a piece of their chin or their
Speaker 1: neck or a necklace. They always where. There's always some
Speaker 1: sort of identifier. When boys are going that far down
Speaker 1: that road, they're aiming camera down, Uh, you don't know
Speaker 1: that it's you know, Johnny's left toe that you're seeing
Speaker 1: right there. There is no identifying feature in a nude
Speaker 1: for a boy. So boys get the pass on a
Speaker 1: set of behaviors that girls don't because the boys aren't
Speaker 1: as identifiable. And I think it's a big mistake we
Speaker 1: make as parents do not recognize that the boys are
Speaker 1: just as engaged in these activities. The boys are also
Speaker 1: on social media a ton um, whether it's UH for
Speaker 1: you know, shopping, socializing UM. Wherever we we assume girls are,
Speaker 1: boys are there too. They're there. They are also gaming,
Speaker 1: and they're using gaming platforms as social networks. They tend
Speaker 1: to out game girls, meaning there are more boys on
Speaker 1: those platforms and girls. But we should not kid ourselves
Speaker 1: either in that direction. Plenty of girls are on them,
Speaker 1: and so what are the boys doing in a pandemic?
Speaker 1: When it comes to it, has there been a rise
Speaker 1: of sexting or dick pics or all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1: The data we have on sexting in and all of
Speaker 1: it is like is the most recent data, right, So
Speaker 1: everything we talk about as new research is already so stale.
Speaker 1: It's three iPhones ago, you know, And that's part of
Speaker 1: the issue. I will tell you though, my experience in
Speaker 1: my own house has been very similar to a number
Speaker 1: of the parents that I've talked to across the country.
Speaker 1: So my son was multi syllabic for about two years,
Speaker 1: I mean, just a grunt and a nothing right, And
Speaker 1: it was ridiculous. It was like, you know, a central
Speaker 1: casting and I knew all the tools and I did
Speaker 1: all the stuff and and it's still you know, it's
Speaker 1: really hard to bring them out of their shell. You know,
Speaker 1: it brings them out of their shell pandemic because suddenly
Speaker 1: they can't leave the house. There is no other human
Speaker 1: being around them engaging with them in real life. Well,
Speaker 1: it's not so bad. Maybe I'll talk to her and
Speaker 1: utter more than a grunt. And this is what I've
Speaker 1: heard from so many of the other boy parents that
Speaker 1: I know, which is it's not that they've become as
Speaker 1: jack as the girls, but chatty er. Yes. Are they
Speaker 1: opening their doors more? Yes? As pandemic lightens up and
Speaker 1: the restrictions lighten up, are we seeing them go back
Speaker 1: to their quieter ways. Yes, yes, we are so interesting.
Speaker 1: But so that's a that's kind of a positive thing
Speaker 1: out of a very negative situation. It's a great thing.
Speaker 1: It's a great thing. I mean, it has. It's been
Speaker 1: great for families in general, and I think it's in
Speaker 1: a lot of ways been great for for teenage girls.
Speaker 1: But it's it's interesting to hear that about the about
Speaker 1: the teenage boys. Yeah, I mean for families that have
Speaker 1: not faced tremendous loss, it's been amazing. It's been such
Speaker 1: a bifurcated experience for families that face loss and hardship,
Speaker 1: there is you know, it's it's truly unimaginable to the
Speaker 1: families who haven't faced up. There's no way of understanding
Speaker 1: what this is like for them. For the families who
Speaker 1: have simply had a retreat experience, it's been I think
Speaker 1: by and large positive. I mean, sometimes kids don't get
Speaker 1: along and that's rough, and that that really does that
Speaker 1: really does happen. I have to ask this because this
Speaker 1: is such an antiquated notion, but do you think that
Speaker 1: the viewing of pornography with teenage boys has escalated tremendously
Speaker 1: during this time? So I would imagine, so, first of all,
Speaker 1: boys watch a lot of porn. Okay um girls do too,
Speaker 1: by the way, but boys, depending upon what study you believe,
Speaker 1: they about fifty of all boys have seen online porn
Speaker 1: by the time they're anywhere from eleven to thirteen years old.
Speaker 1: So by the time boys graduate from middle school, far
Speaker 1: more than half of them have seen online porn. And
Speaker 1: it's not a nude picture. It's not boobs, it's not
Speaker 1: It is hardcore online porn, violent, aggressive hardcore, not the
Speaker 1: sexual narrative you want to be handing your son. It's
Speaker 1: not the playboy magazines that are husbands used to sneak right, No,
Speaker 1: it is not. And you can't rewrite the story for them.
Speaker 1: You can't help them unsee it. And Most parents are
Speaker 1: have their heads so far in the sand because it's
Speaker 1: so upsetting to even think about. They don't have any
Speaker 1: clue what their kids are seeing. So I get a
Speaker 1: lot of calls about it when boys stumble onto it.
Speaker 1: The pornographers, they are on social media sites getting your
Speaker 1: kids eyeballs onto their porn sites. Say, are giving it
Speaker 1: to your kids for free? It is one click away.
Speaker 1: It is makes very good sense. They are taking a
Speaker 1: brain that is not yet mature, and they are saying
Speaker 1: to that brain, let these images basically hardwire a path
Speaker 1: in your brain that makes your brain feel good so
Speaker 1: that you will become a paying customer one day. Right,
Speaker 1: very good business strategy. So yeah, I think they're all
Speaker 1: the ones who are exposed to it are all vulnerable
Speaker 1: to it in pandemic And what should parents? How do
Speaker 1: parents talk to a teenage boy about pornography? Oh, this
Speaker 1: is how it goes in my house. It's like this, um, hey,
Speaker 1: can you pass the salad? And by the way, let's
Speaker 1: talk about porn again. Right, it's I mean, it's just
Speaker 1: a nothing burger. It's like, did you put sunscreen on?
Speaker 1: Let's talk about porn. It a hundred thousand different times
Speaker 1: over the course of their adolescence, you need to be
Speaker 1: talking about You see a bus drive by with a
Speaker 1: really creepy ad on it, talk about it. You see
Speaker 1: you hear about a movie and it's you know, it's
Speaker 1: supposed to be really salicious, talk about it. You listen
Speaker 1: to lyrics of any number of songs that any kid
Speaker 1: listens to, that's you know, sort of describing. You know,
Speaker 1: we all want our kids to have healthy sexual lives
Speaker 1: when they grow up. That's the goal. So if you're
Speaker 1: listening to music that is telling our boys how to
Speaker 1: beat up on women, talk about like, don't just turn
Speaker 1: it off. Listen to the words and then talk about it.
Speaker 1: Everything is a teachable moment. So all right, well, want
Speaker 1: to walk me through this a little. It just because
Speaker 1: I'm very curious. Um. So, I have a son and
Speaker 1: I go through his history on his computer and I
Speaker 1: see that he's been watching a lot of porn. Um
Speaker 1: I'm afraid if I say anything, he's just going to
Speaker 1: recoil and say, like I do not shut up. So
Speaker 1: how do I start the conversation? And what are the
Speaker 1: points that I'm trying to make? Besides it's dirty and
Speaker 1: un Christian, right, Okay, so let me. I want to
Speaker 1: take you back to your premise. Let's start with I
Speaker 1: go through his history. Any parent who's going through their
Speaker 1: kids computer history without their kids knowledge is already starting
Speaker 1: in a really tricky spot because then the fight is
Speaker 1: about how you violated my privacy. So you have to
Speaker 1: stop and think, as a parent, how am I going
Speaker 1: to approach their safety without creating a new issue that
Speaker 1: will take us down a rabbit hole we don't need
Speaker 1: to go down. So in my house, the devices, you know,
Speaker 1: if we bottom there are porn is the most It's
Speaker 1: the most successful online industry by far. Okay, so there
Speaker 1: are a lot of people who work really hard to
Speaker 1: get you on their site. So it's not about me
Speaker 1: not trusting you, it's about knowing what goes on out there. Okay,
Speaker 1: So let's just begin with that premise. If you're going
Speaker 1: through their history, you need to have a plan for
Speaker 1: how you're going to address that you're going through their history. Okay.
Speaker 1: I always recommend that you say to your kids, let's
Speaker 1: look together. Okay, then you're not snooping. Let's look together
Speaker 1: at your computer history. Yeah, let's look at your screen time,
Speaker 1: Let's look at your phone history. Let's look at your
Speaker 1: computer history. By the way, kids who are really addicted
Speaker 1: to porn, they are on laptops looking at it and stuff.
Speaker 1: But kids who are not addicted in kids who are
Speaker 1: just catching glimpses of it are often just on phones.
Speaker 1: So don't don't go to the laptop thinking you're going
Speaker 1: to find you're gonna strike gold on the laptop and
Speaker 1: forget about the phone, which is really their entry level device. Um.
Speaker 1: So you know, in your home, one thing you may
Speaker 1: want to do, and it doesn't matter if you've never
Speaker 1: done it before. You set a new kind of standard. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'd love to understand where you go on your device.
Speaker 1: I feel like that's a way that I comparent you
Speaker 1: better and I can understand a little bit more about
Speaker 1: what you're seeing and what you're learning. So I'd like
Speaker 1: to look with you. That in some homes is a
Speaker 1: major negotiation, okay, and it may take time to get there,
Speaker 1: but it is worth the investment of those conversations. So
Speaker 1: now you get the history, and now you can have
Speaker 1: a productive conversation. He's not in trouble, by the way,
Speaker 1: no matter how you set it up, no child should
Speaker 1: be in trouble. For having looked at porn. It is
Speaker 1: not their fault. They did not ask to go look
Speaker 1: at a gang rate. I'm telling you they did not
Speaker 1: want to see it either. They ended up there because
Speaker 1: the pornographers are really good at getting their eyeballs. So
Speaker 1: don't ever approach it in a shaming way because they
Speaker 1: already feel ashamed. So if you find it or when
Speaker 1: you find it, the conversation is not oh my god,
Speaker 1: oh my god, oh my god, you did this. The
Speaker 1: conversation is I'm sorry that this is the sex that
Speaker 1: you're seeing. You know, I want you to have a
Speaker 1: really healthy sex life when you're older, and this is
Speaker 1: not modeling that for you. And so I'm really sad
Speaker 1: that this is what you're looking at, and that's what
Speaker 1: I want to talk about. And then do you break
Speaker 1: it down for them? Do you say, like this, do
Speaker 1: you see this woman, she's actually not that happy or
Speaker 1: she's It depends how old the boy is or the girl.
Speaker 1: It depends, um what you're what your temperament is, what
Speaker 1: his temperament is. It depends on life experience. I mean,
Speaker 1: for an eleven year old, yeah you bet. You have
Speaker 1: to walk them through it. For a sixteen year old.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure that will help the dynamic. I'm not
Speaker 1: sure that's productive. Uh. It just depends upon everything that
Speaker 1: goes into it. But the most important thing is, as
Speaker 1: the parent, you constantly put on the lens of I'm
Speaker 1: not shaming you, I'm not mad at you. And the
Speaker 1: other thing is it's not one conversation. So when you
Speaker 1: discover the porn, usually the conversation is over. That's really
Speaker 1: a big thing, and both of you probably need to
Speaker 1: sit with it for a little bit. You can have
Speaker 1: lots of conversations over time, and you can think about
Speaker 1: it and he can think about it. But if you
Speaker 1: just think it's going to be a one and done
Speaker 1: forget about it now. A quick word from our sponsors,
Speaker 1: welcome back to go ask Ali. Let's get back to
Speaker 1: the discussion. What are you hearing from parents of teenage
Speaker 1: boys during this time? I mean, you've been getting calls.
Speaker 1: What are What are you feeling? Is a predominant issue
Speaker 1: right now. Depression and anxiety was really the big one
Speaker 1: early on. It has gone away, it has subsided a bit. Now.
Speaker 1: I anticipate we will see it rear its head big
Speaker 1: time in the winter because unless this virus doesn't behave
Speaker 1: the way almost every virus behaves. Um, we're going to
Speaker 1: get another surge of it when the weather gets cold,
Speaker 1: and that will drive more isolation, depression, anxiety. UM. I
Speaker 1: think there's also you know, middle and high school are
Speaker 1: times when kids very normally will grapple with issues around mortality. Right. Um,
Speaker 1: there are these peaks that happened mid middle school and
Speaker 1: mid high school where um, it becomes very real. And
Speaker 1: when you're living in the middle of a pandemic and
Speaker 1: you turn on the news and there are death tolls
Speaker 1: on the news and you've got what this is bananas
Speaker 1: and my brain can handle it. I know where to
Speaker 1: file that your brain can handle it, But I'm not
Speaker 1: sure my fifteen year old brain puts a death toll
Speaker 1: in the same spot and manages it in the same way.
Speaker 1: So I think that's not depression anxiety. That is sort
Speaker 1: of this realization of mortality and fear that go along
Speaker 1: with it that I think we're going to seem more
Speaker 1: of um as as we continue to normalize what is happening.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's really I think that's so true. I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, my two teenage girls are kind of my
Speaker 1: guinea pigs, and I've noticed that, you know, the anxiety
Speaker 1: and the depression was definitely there at the beginning, and
Speaker 1: still it's still an undercurrent now. But I think that
Speaker 1: the idea that people were dying really affected them in
Speaker 1: different ways. But my youngest, my fifteen year old, it
Speaker 1: it scared her in a way, um that we had
Speaker 1: to kind of soothe her, you know, kind of waking
Speaker 1: up at three in the morning, and and you know
Speaker 1: almost what had happened before when she learned what the
Speaker 1: Taliban was, and it's it's almost like when a kid
Speaker 1: is young and they read about evil and fairy tales
Speaker 1: and they go, what is this evil that everyone's talking about?
Speaker 1: Who is this you know, mean queen? Um. For her,
Speaker 1: it was oh my god, people are dying. That I
Speaker 1: could die, you could die, you know, and that she
Speaker 1: had a kind of sense of, um, you know, people
Speaker 1: close to her could potentially die, and that was something
Speaker 1: I wasn't really expecting, you know. I was so focused
Speaker 1: on their isolation that I didn't realize. And I'm married
Speaker 1: to a journalist, so like, the news is on all
Speaker 1: the time, and it never occurred to me that the
Speaker 1: mortality factor of all this was having such an effect. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then and and when you layer on top of
Speaker 1: that that um, there are now hundreds of thousands uh
Speaker 1: of families that are being devastated by lass um. You know,
Speaker 1: family members who get sick and go to the hospital,
Speaker 1: you can't visit the family members who die. Think about it,
Speaker 1: you're eight year, ten year, twelve. It's an invisible virus.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure where I got it. And it could
Speaker 1: take my mother or father, because it took her mother
Speaker 1: and it took his father. And in communities that are devastated,
Speaker 1: communities that are financially unstable, communities where there's no health
Speaker 1: equity and no access to health care, those kids are
Speaker 1: literally living a nightmare. As a country, I think it's
Speaker 1: high time for us to come together. And maybe it
Speaker 1: does a unified group of parents to say, God, we
Speaker 1: have got to help all of our kids. And that
Speaker 1: begins with the kids who are literally on the front
Speaker 1: lines because their frontline parents are gone. How do we
Speaker 1: support them? What do we do and how do we
Speaker 1: just like our kids do as we do with a mask,
Speaker 1: and if we put it on, they put it on.
Speaker 1: How do we model the behavior of taking care of
Speaker 1: others and of empathizing. True empathy is the key I
Speaker 1: think is really truly the key to raising children who
Speaker 1: will then help shift the world in the right direction,
Speaker 1: which may help with the very fortunate kids, Um, with
Speaker 1: their depression and their anxiety. Right yes rather than two yes,
Speaker 1: I think. Um, I think that's important. Are you trying
Speaker 1: to create such a movement? So my kids always tell
Speaker 1: me that I can't create any of this. It has
Speaker 1: to come authentically from them. But I try to model it.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you, I launched this company during pandemic, and
Speaker 1: it was supposed to launch with bras for tween and
Speaker 1: teen girls. Then they're so comfortable, But we launched it.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I do um. And but we launched
Speaker 1: with masks. And and you know, from day one, we've
Speaker 1: always sent maths into areas that have no access to mask. Me.
Speaker 1: It's just you know, and who they're they're I'm not
Speaker 1: the only one. There are thousands of me who are
Speaker 1: trying to make and donate masks. Uh, you know, let's
Speaker 1: all pull together, let's all just model the behavior. I
Speaker 1: completely agree. UM. Looking outside in at the life of
Speaker 1: a teenage boy and as you perfectly put it, decoding boys. Um,
Speaker 1: how do you talk to teenage boys about anything that's uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: whether it's pornography or or vaping or you know whatever
Speaker 1: we kind of sweat about before we knock on the
Speaker 1: door and go in fill in the blank horror to that. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: so one of the very best tricks is not making
Speaker 1: eye contact with your child. That's so funny because it
Speaker 1: goes against what my intuition would be too. I'd want
Speaker 1: to connect with the eyes, right, You want to look
Speaker 1: them in the eye and have the moment right. But
Speaker 1: think about it, Um, you're asking them a question ston
Speaker 1: or calling them out on something that is so embarrassing
Speaker 1: or awkward or shameful, or or just they want to
Speaker 1: la la la their way through it, right, So how
Speaker 1: do you manage that as parents? Well, Um, if you
Speaker 1: don't look at them right, then they get to be
Speaker 1: alone with their thoughts and they they're not as embarrassed,
Speaker 1: they're not as awkward. I mean, think about it this way.
Speaker 1: When your girls were a little and you would turn
Speaker 1: off the lights at night, right, isn't that when the
Speaker 1: conversations would start, or when I was driving the car,
Speaker 1: they forgot I was there because I wasn't making eye cut,
Speaker 1: So it's like an not in there. Yeah, so it's
Speaker 1: like an old Freudian psycho analysis blueprint. Lie on the couch.
Speaker 1: I'll sit behind you. You can't see me, and soon
Speaker 1: you'll be confessing that's right. I mean, I will tell
Speaker 1: you that with boys in puberty in particular, if if
Speaker 1: there's a quiet boy, um and the vast majority are
Speaker 1: quiet for a long time, and if they shut their door,
Speaker 1: which the vast majority do, and you don't know how
Speaker 1: to get in that door, you know what you can do.
Speaker 1: Sit on the other side of the door and just
Speaker 1: start talking. Right. That works wonder. So I have had
Speaker 1: times with my son where something has gone down and
Speaker 1: I need to talk to him, and I know if
Speaker 1: I look at him, he will either start to cry.
Speaker 1: Because he's such a sweet boy, he's the best. He
Speaker 1: better not listen to this. I don't ever humiliate him.
Speaker 1: I don't read about puberty. Um. But you know he'll
Speaker 1: either he'll either get upset emotional or he'll to shut down.
Speaker 1: And so if I stay on the other side of
Speaker 1: the closed door and just sit on the floor and
Speaker 1: I say to him, Hey, I got to talk to
Speaker 1: you about something, and I'm just going to stay out
Speaker 1: here for a second. And I just want to run
Speaker 1: this by you, and I am not even physically in
Speaker 1: his space. It's a game changer. It's a game changer.
Speaker 1: But you get you've got to get to the point
Speaker 1: where you can look each other in the eye. You
Speaker 1: don't want like, you don't have to shut the door
Speaker 1: to a conversation. So what are they? What are these
Speaker 1: teenage boys doing in their rooms? Right and they closed
Speaker 1: the door. Everyone thinks all they're doing is masturbating all
Speaker 1: day long, and they may very well be masturbating a
Speaker 1: lot in there. I don't know. I mean I always
Speaker 1: get calls from parents like what's with the half hour shower?
Speaker 1: And I really I need to exactly but what are
Speaker 1: they doing? They are just taking a break from the world.
Speaker 1: I mean, think about this last January, January before pandemic.
Speaker 1: A boy and a girl come home from school. They've
Speaker 1: been gone all day long. They've been socializing with their friends,
Speaker 1: they've been performing for their teachers. Maybe they've done an
Speaker 1: extracurricular sport or activity. After hours and hours and hours
Speaker 1: their home, what do they want to do? The stereotypical
Speaker 1: girl wants to download and debrief and tell you about it,
Speaker 1: and the stereotypical boy wants to just shut it out
Speaker 1: and go have some time of quiet. That at sort
Speaker 1: of caricature exists for a reason. I believe it's hormonally driven.
Speaker 1: There's no data that shows that testosterone makes you want
Speaker 1: to shut out the world. But I don't think anyone's
Speaker 1: ever done that study because I can't find one. So
Speaker 1: if someone listening has done that study, send it my way.
Speaker 1: So they just want to be still. Because my girls
Speaker 1: are just chatty, chat chat chat. I would love to
Speaker 1: have a boy that was just quiet, would you having
Speaker 1: one to eat? Yes? Yes and no. Right, you want
Speaker 1: to chat chat chat with your girl because get everything
Speaker 1: up right, but then you're done, That's what I mean,
Speaker 1: way before she's done. Right, So yeah, yes and yes
Speaker 1: because teenage girls think that whatever is going on in
Speaker 1: their life is the most important thing, and that I'm
Speaker 1: riveted by the drama on you can't believe you're saying
Speaker 1: or not who hooked up with who? Or you know,
Speaker 1: whatever happened. But do you think that there's going to
Speaker 1: be some kind of stunted growth with this whole generation
Speaker 1: of teenagers during this pandemic. I don't I think it's
Speaker 1: different growth. If cell phones didn't exist, I might have
Speaker 1: a very different answer to that. But they are connected,
Speaker 1: they are socializing. It just doesn't feel familiar to us,
Speaker 1: and it's not filling their need. Don't get me wrong,
Speaker 1: they need the in person connection, but there's enough connectivity
Speaker 1: that exists. This is not everyone retreating to their you know,
Speaker 1: secret space and no one interacting with anyone, and now
Speaker 1: only children haven't much harder. I do think they haven't
Speaker 1: much harder. Well, yeah, they're so lonely, I know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I just wonder about learning social cues and empathy,
Speaker 1: like you said, and just having the normal experiences of
Speaker 1: do I kiss him? Do I kiss her? All that stuff.
Speaker 1: Apparently that's what TikTok's for. Oh well, then I I
Speaker 1: don't know what I've been doing. I should get on
Speaker 1: TikTok right away. No, but you are right. I mean,
Speaker 1: I will say, I'm totally banking on my kids not
Speaker 1: listening to this. My daughter is just at that age
Speaker 1: where she reads every old eighteenth and nineteenth center romance novel,
Speaker 1: she watches every rom come like all she wants is
Speaker 1: that experience. And she is very rational and she knows
Speaker 1: in pandemic. That experience is a ways off and that
Speaker 1: is just a bomber. Right, So those things, those needs
Speaker 1: not being met. That's where you know, we started the
Speaker 1: conversation at this point of are they running out to
Speaker 1: have sex or hang out or party or do whatever
Speaker 1: with each other? In the answer to yeah, yeah, that's
Speaker 1: human nature. Yes they are, um, and that's why we
Speaker 1: we got to get a vaccine and a therapy really
Speaker 1: really fast, so our kids can go, so my daughters
Speaker 1: can get pregnant. Yeah, that's yes exactly. I said that.
Speaker 1: Oh God, thank you so much. Now I really wish
Speaker 1: I had a boy. UM, not just because I always heard,
Speaker 1: oh the boys love their mother so much, but they
Speaker 1: talk that they go to their room and they're quiet.
Speaker 1: It's just happened to me. They smell really bad. All really,
Speaker 1: I know, I know, but I mean I can't believe
Speaker 1: that my door hasn't knocked fifteen times during doing this podcast.
Speaker 1: I have to talk to you. I have drama, I
Speaker 1: have tea mom, I have teeth. Anyway, that's all we do.
Speaker 1: I know everything about every teenager in the Tri State area,
Speaker 1: and I don't want to know. A book called Spilling
Speaker 1: the puper Teeth was like, no, you cannot ye, so
Speaker 1: you have to write that book. You have to write
Speaker 1: that book. Thank you for your time, Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for talking. And it's very enlightening. I love it.
Speaker 1: I do want to end this podcast by dispelling one myth.
Speaker 1: It's not just teenage boys that stink. Spend an hour
Speaker 1: in the bathroom with my two teenage girls. Remember subscribe
Speaker 1: to go ask Allen. If you like what you heard,
Speaker 1: go to my social media Twitter is Ali e Wentworth
Speaker 1: and Instagram is the real Ali Wentworth than the t