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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. We deserve

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Speaker 1: to empower ourselves to speak up for ourselves and advocate

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Speaker 1: for ourselves, and having this conversation again can give us

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Speaker 1: a frame of reference of that in the future. We know, Okay,

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Speaker 1: Dom and Terry had this conversation. We had this conversation together.

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Speaker 1: I know what to say when something happens. Today's episode

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Speaker 1: is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration, or a

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Speaker 1: fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments or appreciate

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Speaker 1: anything from this episode, please leave us a review to

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Speaker 1: let us know we're on the right track. Also, we

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Speaker 1: release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe on

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Speaker 1: iTunes and visit cultivatinghearspace dot com to access our exclusive

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Speaker 1: after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 2: women like you. We're your hosts, Yes, Doctor Dominique Broussard,

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Speaker 2: a college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 1: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 1: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 1: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 1: black women can just be.

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Speaker 2: Hey, lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her

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Speaker 2: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

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Speaker 2: of California in contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so,

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Speaker 2: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

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Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

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Speaker 2: U E b R O U ss ar D dot

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Speaker 2: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

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Speaker 2: forward to hearing from you. All Right, y'all, we are

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Speaker 2: doing this.

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Speaker 1: Lady.

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Speaker 2: You have to see us. You have to subscribe to Patreon.

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Speaker 2: I'm just say it before we even get started. You

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Speaker 2: just gotta subscribe to Patreon to see that. Terry and

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Speaker 2: I are together in person in the flag recording this episode.

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Speaker 1: So I call the day.

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Speaker 2: You decide every moment of every day who you are

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Speaker 2: and what you believe in. You get a second chance.

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Speaker 2: Every second I feel like I need to say that

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Speaker 2: one more time. From leaving in the back, let's do

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Speaker 2: it one more time. You decide every moment of every

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Speaker 2: day who you are and what you believe in. You

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Speaker 2: get a second chance. Every second.

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Speaker 1: Tea tea. I'm so excited. Yes, it's okay. Yeah, this

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Speaker 1: quote is powerful. It is so fitting for our conversation today.

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Speaker 1: And this is a little bit of a side note, y'all,

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Speaker 1: but Domin and I have not recorded in person in

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Speaker 1: such a long time because of the pandemic and because

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Speaker 1: Don relocated, so we're not in the same space, and

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Speaker 1: so we're spending the weekend together and we're here in person.

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Speaker 1: So this is a big deal for us. So we're excited.

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Speaker 1: But back to the conversation. Yes, I think we should

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Speaker 1: just jump on in and do an overview and kind

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Speaker 1: of tell you what we're going to talk about, why

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Speaker 1: it's important and why you absolutely positively need to stay

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Speaker 1: until the end. Yes, and we may need to revispect

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Speaker 1: quote later in the episode two as we dive into

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Speaker 1: some of the content. So let's go ahead and jump

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Speaker 1: into our overview. Ladies, you can understand what are all

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Speaker 1: talking about today. Now. We all have those moments in

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Speaker 1: life right where we're caught off guard, and sometimes it

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Speaker 1: can be tough to understand or to really think about

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Speaker 1: how am I going to respond in the moment when

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Speaker 1: something spontaneous happens that you weren't prepared for. And the

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Speaker 1: thing is, we believe it is important for us to

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Speaker 1: empower ourselves with language and tools so that when we're

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Speaker 1: in those situations we can kind of refer back to something.

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Speaker 1: And so I know, for me personally, I was not

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Speaker 1: raised in a household where I was empowered to do that,

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Speaker 1: and so I struggle with that sometimes today and domin

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Speaker 1: I was talking more about that later. But I think

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Speaker 1: that the most important thing that we can remember is

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Speaker 1: that setting boundaries and speaking of ourselves is so crucial

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Speaker 1: in our personal development and well being, and it also

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Speaker 1: teaches other people how to treat us right, because what

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Speaker 1: we allow, oftentimes it's going to continue, right, So I

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Speaker 1: know they can get away with something with you, they're like,

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Speaker 1: all right, cool, I'm gonna keep on doing this, right.

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Speaker 1: So today we're going to talk about how to respond

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Speaker 1: when things catch you off are. And one thing to

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Speaker 1: note about this topic that I think is so important

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Speaker 1: is that speaking up for yourself isn't necessarily something that

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Speaker 1: develops with age, right, So you could be fifty five

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Speaker 1: years old listening to this episode, and you could still

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Speaker 1: be struggling to speak up for yourself and advocate for yourself,

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Speaker 1: or you could be eighteen and that's okay. Yes, it's

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Speaker 1: not about age. And this topic is important because we

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Speaker 1: deserve to empower ourselves, to speak up for ourselves and

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Speaker 1: advocate for ourselves. And having this conversation again can give

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Speaker 1: us a frame of reference so that in the future

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Speaker 1: we know, Okay, Dom and Arry had this conversation, we

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Speaker 1: had this conversation together. I know what to say when

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Speaker 1: something happens. And the reason we want to say until

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Speaker 1: the end is because we're going to give you real

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Speaker 1: life scenarios and we may do some role playing where

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Speaker 1: you can see our active skills. Not much to see there,

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Speaker 1: but it will be help with not much to act.

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Speaker 1: We'll see how this goes, but you will have tools. Right,

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Speaker 1: so you're you're going to potentially, you know, understand how

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Speaker 1: to communicate when someone touches your hair at work, being like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I just frozen, or if your mechanic

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Speaker 1: makes a sexist remark and you're like, damn, I wish

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Speaker 1: I would have said something. We're going to convers you

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Speaker 1: that today. We got you right, so I guess what,

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Speaker 1: it's just let's die. Yeah, So what usually happens, right,

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Speaker 1: I think about situations where you hear a friend telling

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Speaker 1: you a story yep, and you're like, what is the

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Speaker 1: example we talked about? We're like, ooh, girl, if that

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Speaker 1: was me, and that was me, like, oh, your your

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Speaker 1: friend called you up. And she's like, girl, I call

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Speaker 1: I called rioting, and I'm just saying I'm random name.

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Speaker 1: Y'all just called me. I caught rioting and I was

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Speaker 1: checking his phone and he was talking to this Instagram

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Speaker 1: girl and they met up. Whatever the story might be.

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Speaker 1: And then you, as the friend might be like.

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Speaker 2: Girl, if I want you, I'll show, And you go

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Speaker 2: on a list of all the things, the bad bitch

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Speaker 2: things you think you would do right yeap, girl, if

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Speaker 2: I was you, I wouldn't put up with that shit.

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Speaker 2: And you say all these things that feel assertive, maybe

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Speaker 2: even aggressive, but make you feel like the stronger, better person,

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Speaker 2: make you feel like the warrior or the victor in

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Speaker 2: this scenario. Yeah, for real talk, real talk. You find

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Speaker 2: out that your man is cheating, but.

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Speaker 1: It happens to you, like now, it's your experience. It's

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Speaker 1: not hypothetical. It's not your girlfriend calls you. It's like,

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Speaker 1: oh no, this is my life. Now it's contextual right now,

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Speaker 1: there's layers to it. Now, it's complex, and it's like, well,

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Speaker 1: now that I'm in the shoes, they kind of fit

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Speaker 1: a little different than I thought they.

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Speaker 2: Would, right, And all that hype you was talking a

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Speaker 2: whole other story about Chris and what you would do

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Speaker 2: if Chris was cheating on you, because Chris is your man, right,

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Speaker 2: Like all that hype you was talking if Chris your

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Speaker 2: man was cheating on you, Now you find out that

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Speaker 2: he is. You was telling your girl that she should

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Speaker 2: leave Rodney, but now Chris doing the same thing to you.

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Speaker 2: Y'all got kids, y'all are.

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Speaker 1: Married, got businesses together, all kinds of assets.

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Speaker 2: What you're doing, you're doing well.

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Speaker 1: What about the situations where like your boss come your

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Speaker 1: homegirls calling you again, because usually it's always a homework college.

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Speaker 1: She's like, girl, my boss came in today. She was

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Speaker 1: talking to me, crazy, whatever it might be. And then

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Speaker 1: you're on the phone and you're like, girl, you bet

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Speaker 1: that's another thing that comes up. You better than me?

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Speaker 1: Because I was so that's what happened.

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't have put up with that.

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Speaker 1: You nicer than me, girl, You better than me. But

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Speaker 1: then you see people in those situations and it's different.

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Speaker 1: You ever see those things on Instagram where they're like

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Speaker 1: what I asked for versus what I got? Yes, Now,

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Speaker 1: a lot of times people in the comment section will

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Speaker 1: be saying this, Right, You'll see a hairstyle, it looks beautiful,

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Speaker 1: and they're like, Okay, this is what I showed my hairstylist.

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Speaker 1: And then they go in and she does their hair

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Speaker 1: and that she looks it looks a mess. Yes, it's

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Speaker 1: a hot mess. And many people in the comment section like, oh,

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Speaker 1: how would you even get up and leave and pay

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Speaker 1: them money and your hair look like that? Like when

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Speaker 1: you're in the setting, it's different. You're by yourself, right right,

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Speaker 1: you see everyone else getting their hair done. You don't

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Speaker 1: want to cause this thing like there are just so

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Speaker 1: many levels to it and layers to it when you're

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Speaker 1: in this situation. So we want to talk a bit

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Speaker 1: about that today, lady, and talk about some of our

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Speaker 1: experiences where things have happened and we rose and there

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Speaker 1: were many feelings that came up within us. So we'll

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Speaker 1: dive into our stories. You want to go first, hour

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Speaker 1: or you want me to go first. I can go first. Hey, hey, lady,

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Speaker 1: this conversation is just getting started. It's gonna get so

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Speaker 1: much better. But first we have a quick update for

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Speaker 1: you from one of our sponsors, so be sure to

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Speaker 1: stay tuned and we'll hop right back into this conversation. Okay, lady,

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Speaker 1: All right, let's hop back into the show.

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Speaker 2: So there are lots of things that I think about,

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Speaker 2: Like I think that all of us are usually good

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Speaker 2: about talking, right, and like we just said, like we're

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Speaker 2: good about pointing out what we would do if something

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Speaker 2: were to actually occur, And even in these scenarios and

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Speaker 2: these tips that we're going to provide today is easier

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Speaker 2: said than done. And the thing that we have to

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Speaker 2: always remember is that in a moment when adrenaline is pumping,

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Speaker 2: we're gonna do one of three things. We're gonna fight,

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Speaker 2: we're gonna take flight, or we're gonna freeze. And I

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Speaker 2: think for years what we always heard was we're gonna

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Speaker 2: fight or we're gonna take flight, right, Nobody ever talked

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Speaker 2: about the freezing. And the reality is that for a

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Speaker 2: lot of us, freezing is what happens. And I think

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Speaker 2: part of us having this conversation today is so that

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Speaker 2: folks understand that freezing is a normal reaction in these

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Speaker 2: types of scenarios and so and really kind of explaining

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Speaker 2: what that really looks like.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: So the scenario that I that came to mind as

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Speaker 2: we were talking about in prepping this episode, I remember

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Speaker 2: years ago, recent years ago, right, So, like I'm my

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Speaker 2: big age, I'm an adult, Like I got my degrees

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Speaker 2: and understand how to deal with conflict. And we have

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Speaker 2: talked about you know, I think, yeah, we like know

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Speaker 2: all the things to do. Right. So I'm in the

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Speaker 2: mall with my nieces. We walk into a store. I'm

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Speaker 2: not gonna name the store because the store ain't got

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Speaker 2: nothing to do with this story. We're in this store

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Speaker 2: and white woman comes up to us. Y'all already know

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Speaker 2: where this is potentially going. There's only a few scenarios

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Speaker 2: that tends to happen in this situation, right. So she

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Speaker 2: comes up. She's a saleswoman. She's trying to make conversation,

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Speaker 2: you know, trying to make up, trying to make a sale,

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Speaker 2: and she hits us with the y'all are so beautiful,

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Speaker 2: blah blah, and she reaches out and she does this.

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Speaker 2: She touches my ma, sisair. Your hair is so beautiful,

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Speaker 2: and actually like I touched your hair more than she

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Speaker 2: actually touched it really really good, like.

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Speaker 1: Your hair is so beautiful?

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Speaker 2: A split second, so fast in that moment, lady just thinks,

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Speaker 2: pause for a second. You got the scenario that I

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Speaker 2: set up. What would you do? In hindsight, Because hindsight

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Speaker 2: is twenty twenty, I know exactly what I would have done.

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Speaker 2: In reality. What actually happened was my split second decision

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Speaker 2: was I froze. Multiple thoughts ran through my head at

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Speaker 2: once in that split second. If I pop off on

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Speaker 2: this white woman for touching my niece's hair, Are we

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Speaker 2: gonna get arrested? Is she gonna do something to harm

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Speaker 2: me or my nieces? What's the best thing I can

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Speaker 2: do to keep us all safe in this moment? And

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Speaker 2: so in that moment, I changed the subjects, said we're good,

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Speaker 2: thank you, we're good. We'll let you know if we

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Speaker 2: need help, and removed our removed ourselves from that situation

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Speaker 2: of having to interact with that woman. But in hindsight,

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Speaker 2: I recognize that I did not address her actions directly.

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Speaker 2: I removed us from that situation so she wouldn't do

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Speaker 2: that shit again, but I didn't directly let her know

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Speaker 2: that what she did was inappropriate.

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Speaker 1: Okay, that was a good example because I think many

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Speaker 1: of us as black women, have experienced that before, like

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Speaker 1: almost exactly that experience sometimes many of us probably experienced

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Speaker 1: it first hand grows us. But also that's just a

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Speaker 1: good example. There are layers too, because it's now your niece,

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Speaker 1: and there's I'm sure there was a lot more that

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Speaker 1: you thought about, and we're going to discuss that in

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Speaker 1: a minute, La, I'm going to share my story and

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Speaker 1: then we're going to compare about compare our feelings, right,

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Speaker 1: how do we see in those moments? So mine was

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Speaker 1: basically mine was very recent and again at this big age.

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Speaker 1: So hopefully this is encouraging to you, lady. So basically

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Speaker 1: what happened in my story was a child that my

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Speaker 1: daughter was playing with pushed her and was not interested

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Speaker 1: in apologizing or you know, saying anything about it, right,

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Speaker 1: And the child's mother happened to be there and told

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Speaker 1: her child to apologize, and the daughter said no, and

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Speaker 1: she was adamant about her feelings of saying no, that

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Speaker 1: she did not want topologized. I don't want to, and

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Speaker 1: so we kind of had this little small talk and

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Speaker 1: the mom basically kind of looked at me as my

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Speaker 1: daughter was hugging me and she's like, I'm so sorry,

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Speaker 1: and I felt so overwhelmed. In the moments, I didn't

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Speaker 1: know there was other components to it. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to go into, but there were other things that were

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Speaker 1: happening around and in the moment, I just kind of mumble,

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Speaker 1: it's okay, and then I kind of felt like, well,

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Speaker 1: what do I do from here? It just I was like,

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Speaker 1: literally my first thought whenever I experienced something like this

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Speaker 1: in life, it's like, Okay, how can I learn from

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Speaker 1: this and how can we do an episode about it?

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Speaker 1: Because I need to have tools because I did not

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Speaker 1: feel empowered in the moment to refer to something or

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Speaker 1: say something. But I thought about it in the car,

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Speaker 1: and this is what I want to talk to you about.

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Speaker 2: Dom.

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Speaker 1: What happens after the fact, Like when we respond in

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Speaker 1: a way, when when we responded a way that we

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Speaker 1: are not proud of, or in a way which we

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Speaker 1: regret later, what are the emotions. I do want to

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Speaker 1: say that lady, as you listen, you may be on

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Speaker 1: the other end of the spectrum. Right If we were

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Speaker 1: to see this as a spectrum, I feel like popping

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Speaker 1: off is on one end yes freezing to the other

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Speaker 1: and sometimes there's this middle ground. Some of you have

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Speaker 1: been raised in different environment I know that Domini have

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Speaker 1: some historical context that may impact the way that we

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Speaker 1: show up today. But sometimes, like recently, I was interacting

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Speaker 1: with someone personally and I was a bit more aggressive

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Speaker 1: than I would have liked to be. Like I wasn't

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Speaker 1: very passive. I was a bit more aggressive, and I

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Speaker 1: still had strong feelings about my behavior because it wasn't

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Speaker 1: suitable for how I'm going to show up. So when

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Speaker 1: you think about your situation, what are the various emotions

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Speaker 1: that you had, and like the processing that you did

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Speaker 1: internally within yourself after that instance.

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Speaker 2: So after that, I remember thinking to myself, there was

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Speaker 2: so I had thoughts, but the feelings that came up

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Speaker 2: was disappointment in myself because in that moment, I'm the adult.

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Speaker 2: I'm supposed to be protecting them, protecting my nieces, and

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Speaker 2: in that moment, it felt like I did not protect

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Speaker 2: them in terms of being direct with that woman on

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Speaker 2: you don't touch my niece's hair, right, I also felt

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Speaker 2: so let me back up, Okay, So there was a

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Speaker 2: feeling of disappointment, right, and then I talked myself away

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Speaker 2: from that. Now I'll explain that later. So first the

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Speaker 2: feeling of disappointment. Second, feeling a little bit of shame

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Speaker 2: of this is not how you're supposed to show up, Like,

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Speaker 2: like I said, like at this point in life, like,

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Speaker 2: you know how to do this, you have the tools.

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Speaker 2: Why didn't you, like you know better? Why didn't you

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Speaker 2: do better? Right? So like those feelings of shame that

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Speaker 2: comes up around that, and then anger right like cause again.

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Speaker 1: You know better? Girl?

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Speaker 2: Like what does like you teach people how to stand

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Speaker 2: up for themselves in these moments? How could you not? Right?

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Speaker 2: Also frustration with myself of like, and I think a

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Speaker 2: deeper disappointment, Just a lot of negative feelings coming up

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Speaker 2: around You're also supposed to be a role model in

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Speaker 2: this moment. You're supposed to be You were supposed to

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Speaker 2: model for them how to engage in this type of

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Speaker 2: that when this happens, You're supposed to model for them

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Speaker 2: how to engage, and you didn't. Right, technically I did

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Speaker 2: model for them. Might not have been what I truly

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Speaker 2: wanted to model for them, but I did model for

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Speaker 2: them one way of engaging. So that was Yeah, that

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Speaker 2: was a lot.

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Speaker 1: Is prossibly as you were speaking of saying that, I

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Speaker 1: feel like I got a little emotional because I thought

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Speaker 1: about the way you. I love that we're having this conversation.

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Speaker 1: I love that we're able to kind of get into

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Speaker 1: our heads and like what you were, what we were

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Speaker 1: thinking to ourselves. But there was part of me and

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Speaker 1: we don't have to unpack this now, but I was like,

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Speaker 1: I wonder, is that your voice or that another voice

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Speaker 1: that you heard in life? Like the way that it

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Speaker 1: came off was like it was like it felt third person,

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Speaker 1: but it also felt like I wonder if that was

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Speaker 1: something that someone else said, because I know sometimes that

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Speaker 1: has happened to me where I heard something often that

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Speaker 1: I kind of adopted that voice. So I just kind

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Speaker 1: and so I had that thought, and I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of the feelings I felt because our situations were

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Speaker 1: kind of similar, Oh my goodness, definitely feelings of shame,

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Speaker 1: definitely some guilt, feelings of weakness as well, embarrassment, Like

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Speaker 1: I'm there was part of me like, damn, do you

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Speaker 1: want to talk about this on the podcast because people

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Speaker 1: may see you a certain way and now like you

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Speaker 1: didn't say like you didn't do what you were supposed

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Speaker 1: to do, like you're her mother, You're supposed to be

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Speaker 1: there to protect her, you know, like all these feelings

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Speaker 1: of judgment, trying to think of what else anger for sure,

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Speaker 1: a bit of maybe even like misplaced resentment, being a

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Speaker 1: little upset with other people that were involved because I

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Speaker 1: didn't respond to the way that I felt like I

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Speaker 1: should have, but also disempowering that I didn't feel empowered.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: I think that another thing, this was also a white

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Speaker 1: child and mother, and I think that sometimes race can

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Speaker 1: kind of play into that as well. I replay it

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Speaker 1: and think that if it was like a black mother,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, I felt we would have maybe had

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Speaker 1: a different type of rapport. But sometimes I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I don't feel it's comfortable interacting with the white people.

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Speaker 1: You don't know if they're going to play the victim card,

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Speaker 1: because this happens a lot, lady, and you know, the

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Speaker 1: white fragility, the white fragility. You see the tears, someone

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Speaker 1: gets emotional. Now you're trying to, you know, help them

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Speaker 1: cope with what's going on because now that there victims.

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Speaker 1: So there were a lot of things that play there,

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Speaker 1: And I'm trying to think of what else we wanted

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Speaker 1: to go happen to. We talked about our feelings, We

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Speaker 1: talked about some of the thoughts that we felt. You

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Speaker 1: said something, you said, Oh, I'm not I'm going to

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Speaker 1: go back to that later. What did you say?

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Speaker 2: Oh, how I talked myself out of those Like how

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Speaker 2: I work through those feelings? Right?

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Speaker 1: You do that?

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Speaker 2: So for me, it took some time. It took also

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Speaker 2: checking in with my nieces m I was gonna ask

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Speaker 2: you that. So she was upset. She was like, I

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Speaker 2: can't you know. When we got out of the store,

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Speaker 2: she was like, I can't believe that that white woman

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Speaker 2: touched my hair.

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Speaker 1: And so.

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Speaker 2: We all had a conversation about it of like, yeah,

402
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Speaker 2: that was inappropriate, and I don't know if I did it,

403
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Speaker 2: and I can't remember if I did it in the moment,

404
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Speaker 2: but I do know that at some point I did

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Speaker 2: apologize to her for not saying, not directly telling the

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Speaker 2: white woman something right. It's powerful because we were all yeah,

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Speaker 2: and because I think for me that was also important

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Speaker 2: in terms of the role modeling of saying old on.

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Speaker 2: I recognized that I didn't handle this the way that

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Speaker 2: I wanted to, that I did not show up for

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Speaker 2: you in the way that I thought I should. Sure,

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Speaker 2: let me acknowledge that to you, And what does that

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Speaker 2: look like for me as an adult to acknowledge for

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Speaker 2: the child that I messed up, right, And so to me,

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Speaker 2: it shows the child there's a way in which you

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Speaker 2: can have accountability for your action, but also giving them

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Speaker 2: space to process how they're what they're thinking and feeling

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Speaker 2: about the situation as well. And so I think how

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Speaker 2: I talked myself out of some of those other feelings too,

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Speaker 2: was also around recognizing that, like having some compassion for myself, right,

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Speaker 2: and recognizing that I did the best I could in

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Speaker 2: that moment, and now that I've lived through that moment,

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Speaker 2: how would I do that differently?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 2: Right, yeah, recognizing that I got everyone out of that

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Speaker 2: situation safely. We didn't continue to engage with that person.

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Speaker 2: And so while I didn't have what I would consider

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Speaker 2: like my highest self response, I also didn't go to

429
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Speaker 2: what I would consider my lower level response of popping off,

430
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Speaker 2: you know, because because that's real, because that happened. At times.

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Speaker 2: They're having situations where I have been like quick to

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Speaker 2: pop off, and that's not always healthy.

433
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:44,639
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm just processing yeah, yep, because I'm thinking about

434
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,920
Speaker 1: in your situation. Yeah, like what I did. I think

435
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 1: for me, there was those those strong emotions were there initially,

436
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 1: and then as I began to process it, I was like, Oh,

437
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:57,880
Speaker 1: you don't even go through You don't You've never been

438
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,240
Speaker 1: through experience like this. Like that, I will say as

439
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,440
Speaker 1: someone who grew up more passive because of my environment. Right,

440
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,600
Speaker 1: the layer that I think we should talk about, I

441
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,200
Speaker 1: don't know what you feel comfortable sharing, and style was

442
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 1: sharing my experience. But the layer, Lady, that I want

443
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,280
Speaker 1: to add to the conversation is that I grew up

444
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:17,639
Speaker 1: in the household with a very aggressive, strong black woman

445
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:22,000
Speaker 1: like my mom was very confrontational. She was popping off often,

446
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,000
Speaker 1: and so because I saw that, and because a lot

447
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,440
Speaker 1: of people in my family are outspoken, we would go

448
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,520
Speaker 1: to restaurants and they would be the one like, excuse

449
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,320
Speaker 1: me my food, you come and come and get this,

450
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:33,919
Speaker 1: and I'd be so embarrassed and I was like, oh

451
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,040
Speaker 1: my gosh, I'm never going to be let or something

452
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:38,159
Speaker 1: would happen and they would overreact and react in the

453
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,720
Speaker 1: way that I thought was just inappropriate for a situation.

454
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,120
Speaker 1: My goal was to always not be that and to

455
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,000
Speaker 1: not be the angry black woman. And so I think

456
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,840
Speaker 1: that I ran away from that so much that I

457
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,960
Speaker 1: ran into the polar opposite end of the spectrum, where

458
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,800
Speaker 1: I was more passive, where I would let shit go,

459
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 1: where I would not speak up, where in my mind,

460
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:02,760
Speaker 1: keeping the peace was better than having confrontational conflict, even

461
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:05,159
Speaker 1: if it meant that I was suffering or I was

462
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 1: being taken advantage of. And so that's been part of

463
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,480
Speaker 1: my journey, is being more open to that. I will

464
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:15,280
Speaker 1: say that having a child has it's made me, it's

465
00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 1: changed me a bit, and that I will speak up

466
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,639
Speaker 1: more for my daughter, especially like at doctor's appointments in

467
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,040
Speaker 1: other situations. So I'm actually surprised that this was one

468
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,199
Speaker 1: of my examples because this is something that was so

469
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:25,920
Speaker 1: fresh for me, and I was just like, oh my gosh,

470
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 1: I don't I don't really know what to do or say.

471
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,600
Speaker 1: But I would say that the way that I walk myself,

472
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,800
Speaker 1: I want to say off off. The proverbial ledge is

473
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,919
Speaker 1: that I told myself, you know, blu, because sometimes I

474
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,920
Speaker 1: go between boo and bitch. When I talk to myself,

475
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,320
Speaker 1: it's like friendly, you know, I'm like, I haven't gone

476
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:46,440
Speaker 1: through experiences like this, like you're still learning it's okay

477
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,159
Speaker 1: and what you know, this is what happened, But what

478
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:52,000
Speaker 1: is that called of the day? And it's something about

479
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 1: you have a second chance? Right, So what I was

480
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:56,639
Speaker 1: processing in my mind, I was like, Okay, So what

481
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,320
Speaker 1: I would like to do, because I'm very structured to organize,

482
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,119
Speaker 1: I want to create like a rules of engagement for

483
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,400
Speaker 1: myself so that at this point in my life, how

484
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,679
Speaker 1: do I what is my what does my highest self

485
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,639
Speaker 1: response look like in various situations so that when it

486
00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:11,720
Speaker 1: does happen Because I know this sometimes I can be

487
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 1: thrown off my square when something happens unpredictable, what tools

488
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:18,840
Speaker 1: can I use to equit myself?

489
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 2: So well, I think before you before we dive into

490
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:25,399
Speaker 2: those tools, I think it's important to acknowledge something that

491
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:30,240
Speaker 2: you pointed out right about growing up in a household

492
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:35,680
Speaker 2: where the perception was that your mom was aggressive. Right.

493
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,880
Speaker 2: I want to acknowledge that there are moments where as

494
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,960
Speaker 2: black women we are outright aggressive. Right, There are those moments.

495
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 2: But I also think that it's important for us to

496
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:53,320
Speaker 2: acknowledge that society has painted black women who are asserted

497
00:28:54,160 --> 00:29:00,040
Speaker 2: as being aggressive right, So I can look at you

498
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:07,040
Speaker 2: right now with this tone and say, Terry, what you

499
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:13,880
Speaker 2: did upset me? Because I said, Terry, what you did

500
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:18,440
Speaker 2: upset me if you were white or any other race,

501
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 2: because let's talk about the anti blackness of at all, right,

502
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 2: if you were anything other than black, because and maybe

503
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,480
Speaker 2: even if you are black too, because of how black

504
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:37,400
Speaker 2: women have been portrayed as aggressors. My tone right now,

505
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:42,560
Speaker 2: you could easily say, domd is being aggressive with me.

506
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,560
Speaker 2: My safety wasn't. My safety wasn't a.

507
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 1: Questioned but in all actually direct And some people have

508
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 1: a problem with directness, right, especially when it comes to

509
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 1: black women, right.

510
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,520
Speaker 2: And I think that's the thing that we also want

511
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:04,720
Speaker 2: to acknowledge when that may paralyze some women, some black women,

512
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:10,440
Speaker 2: from speaking up in certain situations because we don't want

513
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:15,080
Speaker 2: to be portrayed as the angry black woman, even if

514
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:22,120
Speaker 2: how we are communicating anyone, anybody of any other race

515
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:24,960
Speaker 2: would be perceived as being asserted.

516
00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:29,080
Speaker 1: In the workforce, we see that a white sometimes white men,

517
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:33,400
Speaker 1: especially right, because we know how their anxiety, they can

518
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:38,680
Speaker 1: snap and have a hole it and it's fine, Oh,

519
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:44,040
Speaker 1: Billy's just going through a lot, you know.

520
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,400
Speaker 2: And I could literally do what I just did. Later,

521
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:49,840
Speaker 2: you watching on camera, you saw that I literally just

522
00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 2: kind of like roll my eyes and kind of turned

523
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 2: my head, and then I would be labeled as being

524
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:58,680
Speaker 2: to become bat Evan's difficult, difficult to work with them,

525
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:02,920
Speaker 2: a team player, you know, y'all know how it goes

526
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:03,960
Speaker 2: like you know how it goes.

527
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,000
Speaker 1: So there, there are there's a lot that we have

528
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:08,840
Speaker 1: to contend with when it comes to speaking up. So

529
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,520
Speaker 1: it's not always just oh I didn't feel powered, or

530
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 1: oh maybe I felt like I was weak in the moment.

531
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:16,240
Speaker 1: It's like there are a lot of things that we.

532
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 2: Hear, there are layers and really want and I think

533
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,520
Speaker 2: it's really important for us to acknowledge that those are,

534
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:26,120
Speaker 2: that those layers exist, and those layers often play into

535
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 2: why we make the decision that we make in any

536
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:34,360
Speaker 2: given moment. Yeah, all right, so we want to give

537
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:35,000
Speaker 2: them a toolbout.

538
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,760
Speaker 1: Let's give them some tools. Okay, So what we're going

539
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:39,720
Speaker 1: to talk about first, lady, is we're going to talk

540
00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:43,680
Speaker 1: about how to nurture yourself after freezing or responding in

541
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:46,400
Speaker 1: a way that you regret later. Now, we said freezing.

542
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,600
Speaker 1: We wanted to call that out but also responding in

543
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:49,960
Speaker 1: a way that you just thought, you know what, I

544
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,040
Speaker 1: probably could have done that better because we shared examples.

545
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:57,000
Speaker 1: How it ain't always the passive freezing route, Like sometimes

546
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:59,280
Speaker 1: we do be popping off right right in certain situations.

547
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,400
Speaker 1: And I think it's especially with people that are closer

548
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:05,160
Speaker 1: to me. That's where because I know we have a

549
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,040
Speaker 1: relationship and a rapport and so if you do some

550
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,000
Speaker 1: function or something happens and I'm just like, uhh, that

551
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,600
Speaker 1: wasn't cool, Like it's so interesting to me how I have.

552
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:19,160
Speaker 1: It's all situationals. Yeah, the way you respond. So let's

553
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,320
Speaker 1: talk about number one. So I think the first tip

554
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:25,400
Speaker 1: here is to understand where this response or lack of

555
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 1: response may come from, because that way you can give

556
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 1: yourself more empathy. And when I think about that, I'm like, oh, childhood,

557
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,800
Speaker 1: of course, everything right comes to h. I know exactly

558
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:37,800
Speaker 1: where that came from, and so that just helps me

559
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,600
Speaker 1: to identify it. Sometimes you can even have a conversation

560
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 1: with yourself about that. So there have been times where

561
00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: I have thanked my younger self for being passive and

562
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:51,880
Speaker 1: for being for freezing, because it served me being in

563
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:56,480
Speaker 1: a dangerous and chaotic environment, and so I thank myself

564
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,200
Speaker 1: for that and let myself know that it's okay to

565
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:01,640
Speaker 1: transition to a new way of being, in a new

566
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 1: way of showing up. Thank you for what you've done,

567
00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:07,880
Speaker 1: and thank you future terry for being open to doing

568
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 1: it in a different way.

569
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:12,480
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think that that's important to give yourself that

570
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,800
Speaker 2: moment to kind of because what it does is when

571
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:21,120
Speaker 2: you take that second to kind of understand where that

572
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:25,000
Speaker 2: response is coming from, it helps you either want address

573
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,840
Speaker 2: what needs to be addressed. Right, So, maybe there's some

574
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:32,280
Speaker 2: childhood stuff that needs to be processed or past stuff.

575
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:35,840
Speaker 2: It might not be childhood. Yeah, I'm sorry, we got

576
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 2: this camera thought, I'm just fixing my hair and I'm

577
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 2: distracted down I apologize them. So there might be some

578
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:46,840
Speaker 2: childhood stuff that you or pass things that you need

579
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:52,040
Speaker 2: to kind of work through. And also it's giving you

580
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 2: an opportunity to say, Okay, how can I do this differently? Right?

581
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 2: What were the things that happen that maybe I did well? Yeah,

582
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:07,800
Speaker 2: and the things that maybe I didn't do so well?

583
00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:12,240
Speaker 2: And how can I do this differently?

584
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,880
Speaker 1: I love love love that. I like that too, because

585
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,799
Speaker 1: you're appreciating the things most times there are some things

586
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:19,759
Speaker 1: about it that we did well. You kept kind of

587
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:22,480
Speaker 1: leaning into. I got us out of the situation safely,

588
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,600
Speaker 1: which is of the utmost importance. That is the end

589
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 1: goal by any situation, especially with white folk or police officers,

590
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:31,040
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, stuff like that. So appreciating

591
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 1: what you did and then thinking, Okay, what can I

592
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:38,879
Speaker 1: do next time? Because you always have a second chance. Yes, Hey,

593
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:42,400
Speaker 1: hey lady, this conversation is just getting started. It's gonna

594
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 1: get so much better. But first we have a quick

595
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Speaker 1: update for you from one of our sponsors, so be

596
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597
00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:49,799
Speaker 1: this conversation.

598
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,160
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599
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600
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601
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612
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Speaker 1: All right, let's hop back into the show. Number two

613
00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:04,120
Speaker 1: is step outside of yourself and really see yourself. And

614
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,759
Speaker 1: what I mean by that is just literally, like kind

615
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:11,480
Speaker 1: of mentally, not literally, but mentally stepping outside of yourself

616
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,920
Speaker 1: and seeing yourself as God, damn it, you're just a

617
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,319
Speaker 1: human being out here in this hard fucking world doing

618
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:19,600
Speaker 1: the best you motherfucking can. Damn. Like, when I put

619
00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 1: when I put perspective into the situation, I'm like, you

620
00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,960
Speaker 1: are a relatively new mom, I think, even being like

621
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:29,719
Speaker 1: almost two years into the mommy journey, It's like, yeah,

622
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:33,520
Speaker 1: this is still new. You're still learning. You have had

623
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:38,319
Speaker 1: so many stresses recently that you're working through and have

624
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:42,279
Speaker 1: been a bit like there's a lot of stuff going on. Yeah,

625
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:45,320
Speaker 1: and damn, you're just doing the best you can. Like

626
00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:47,479
Speaker 1: you're you're here, You're showing up you're doing the best,

627
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:50,760
Speaker 1: and we'll do better next time. Okay, yes, five ten years.

628
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,840
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be thinking about that moment like

629
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,280
Speaker 1: it's okay, boom, it's okay.

630
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:59,319
Speaker 2: I think also too, with that stepping outside yourself, it

631
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:02,239
Speaker 2: may be that you are offering yourself compassion, but it

632
00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:08,000
Speaker 2: may also be that you were holding yourself responsible, right So,

633
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,520
Speaker 2: and it's about finding that balance when you step outside

634
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:14,400
Speaker 2: of yourself, right So, like really seeing yourself and being

635
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:19,800
Speaker 2: able to say and discern, is this a moment where

636
00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:23,799
Speaker 2: I need to be more compassionate with myself or is

637
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:26,319
Speaker 2: this a moment where I need to say, sis, all right,

638
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,560
Speaker 2: we need we got some work to do, because what

639
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:34,600
Speaker 2: you did right there, nah the same this this is

640
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:38,480
Speaker 2: not you you We've got some work to do here

641
00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:42,399
Speaker 2: like this was this was a mess up. You've got

642
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 2: some work to do.

643
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 1: I am so glad you said that, because literally, that

644
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:48,120
Speaker 1: is the conversation I have with myself a couple of

645
00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:50,920
Speaker 1: weeks ago when I popped off and I was embarrassed.

646
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:52,759
Speaker 1: I was embarrassed, you know, I had like a bit

647
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 1: of self shame of like did you know? But it

648
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:56,759
Speaker 1: was one of those it was like warranty. It was like, girl,

649
00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 1: you know better, Like you know this is how you

650
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:02,200
Speaker 1: communicate it like ten years ago, you before you had

651
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:04,480
Speaker 1: your tools and so in that situation, I had to

652
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:07,239
Speaker 1: go when I had to go apologize, yep, like that

653
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,680
Speaker 1: was the adult that was the best next step that

654
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:12,200
Speaker 1: I could take. It's like, go take your ass over there,

655
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 1: go apologize, yes, like because you know that wasn't cool exactly,

656
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:22,360
Speaker 1: that was all you Like you step outside, look at yourself. Hm,

657
00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:25,160
Speaker 1: we fucked up today exactly, and it's like you still

658
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:27,359
Speaker 1: have compassion, but you also you have to hold yourself kin.

659
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 1: We got to be able to hold ourselves.

660
00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:34,200
Speaker 2: Accountable and being able that level of discernment between the two, right,

661
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:38,600
Speaker 2: Like this really is a moment where okay, so yeah

662
00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:41,839
Speaker 2: I popped off. Well what was happening for me in

663
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:46,360
Speaker 2: this space that I popped off? Maybe this is a

664
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:50,120
Speaker 2: day where I popped off and I need compassion for myself,

665
00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:54,560
Speaker 2: right or maybe this is a day where I popped

666
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,640
Speaker 2: off and I need to check myself on. You know,

667
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:04,239
Speaker 2: this is not how we act in Yes, yes, we

668
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:09,200
Speaker 2: keep our composure, Yes we use our inside voice, We

669
00:39:09,239 --> 00:39:11,800
Speaker 2: take deep breaths because when I tell you these deep breaths,

670
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:15,440
Speaker 2: save and write me. Okay, you know other people and

671
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,640
Speaker 2: other people would show other people Okay.

672
00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:22,160
Speaker 1: Save on these hands, and I'm just joking. Okay, So

673
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,719
Speaker 1: now we're going to jump into We're going to jump

674
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:28,520
Speaker 1: into some reminders that you can lean into when you

675
00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:35,799
Speaker 1: are nurturing yourself or responding nurturing yourself, or if you

676
00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:39,479
Speaker 1: have some regret for the way that you responded, or yes,

677
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 1: maybe you didn't respond. All right, let's just jump into y'all.

678
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:44,799
Speaker 1: The first reminder is you did the best you could

679
00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:47,279
Speaker 1: the tools you had available. I feel like we've been

680
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:49,919
Speaker 1: pretty much saying that the more time, so remember that.

681
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:53,799
Speaker 1: I think the next reminder is that you're open and

682
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:57,120
Speaker 1: listening to your body and your mind, and you've acknowledged

683
00:39:57,160 --> 00:39:59,319
Speaker 1: that you want to react differently in the future. I

684
00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:02,520
Speaker 1: think that's a big like awareness, self awareness, that's huge,

685
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:05,600
Speaker 1: and I think we don't oftentimes give ourselves enough credit

686
00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 1: for being self aware.

687
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:12,359
Speaker 2: I think that's an important piece, right of acknowledging that

688
00:40:12,480 --> 00:40:15,880
Speaker 2: you are acknowledging what's happening for you in the moment,

689
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:21,760
Speaker 2: listening to your body and what your body is telling

690
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:25,400
Speaker 2: you in that moment, right because it could be. And

691
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:29,200
Speaker 2: this is part of that reflection too, right, is in

692
00:40:29,239 --> 00:40:33,080
Speaker 2: that moment, was there something physically in you that was

693
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:40,360
Speaker 2: activated that you needed to respond to, And that's why

694
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:48,600
Speaker 2: maybe you either froze or you fought right, or maybe

695
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:50,920
Speaker 2: you took flight. Like whatever it was, whatever response you

696
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:54,880
Speaker 2: gave was it were you reacting to something that was

697
00:40:54,880 --> 00:41:00,520
Speaker 2: being activated in your body and reminding your self that

698
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,560
Speaker 2: I'm listening to the good in that even if my

699
00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:06,680
Speaker 2: response wasn't the one that I wanted. The good in

700
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 2: that is that I'm listening to my body exactly, and

701
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:14,640
Speaker 2: I will learn from I will learn whatever lesson needs

702
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:17,080
Speaker 2: to be learned. But the biggest takeaway is that I

703
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,920
Speaker 2: listened to my body. Because we've been taught for so

704
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:24,160
Speaker 2: long to not listen to our bodies, and so for

705
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:26,520
Speaker 2: us to do that in that moment, even if the

706
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:31,759
Speaker 2: response wasn't at our highest self, we listen to our body.

707
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:35,200
Speaker 2: And that's that's a beautiful reminder always.

708
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:40,080
Speaker 1: It was so beautifully stated down. So now, lady, we

709
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:44,080
Speaker 1: are going to jump into the frame work. And y'all know,

710
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:47,200
Speaker 1: I love me a good acronym because I'm literally going

711
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:48,920
Speaker 1: to be using this for myself and I'm going to

712
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:51,520
Speaker 1: continue to build it out and use this for situations

713
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 1: because I want to be able to respond in a

714
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:56,560
Speaker 1: way that feels good to me and that feels empowering.

715
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,279
Speaker 1: And so we're just going to jump on and so

716
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:04,720
Speaker 1: the framework we're going to use the word base. Okay,

717
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:07,000
Speaker 1: it's going to help us remember the steps that we're

718
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:08,960
Speaker 1: going to take throughout this process. So it's going to

719
00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:14,440
Speaker 1: be be a C E. Right, b A CE first,

720
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:19,480
Speaker 1: we have B. Right. The B is for breathe. Taking

721
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:23,719
Speaker 1: a deep breath is so important, especially when something happens

722
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:26,120
Speaker 1: and you're caught off guard. Sometimes it can be hard

723
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:28,000
Speaker 1: to remember to take a deep breath, but a lot

724
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:30,279
Speaker 1: of times it can help to ground you and kind

725
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:31,920
Speaker 1: of bring you into the moment. And I like to

726
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:35,120
Speaker 1: also use mantras, So I would say using the mantra,

727
00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:37,480
Speaker 1: I can do this whether you say it out loud

728
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:38,640
Speaker 1: or you say it internally.

729
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 2: And I think what that does that breath. What I

730
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,200
Speaker 2: tell folks all the time is that breath is a

731
00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:50,319
Speaker 2: reset because oftentimes what we don't realize is happening in

732
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:53,680
Speaker 2: those moments is that we've stopped breathing, like we've held

733
00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:56,880
Speaker 2: our breath, right, like that might. That's our bodies like

734
00:42:56,960 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 2: automatic reaction to a strussor is to like and we

735
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:05,319
Speaker 2: hold our breath in and when we allow ourselves to

736
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:11,279
Speaker 2: take that deep breath, it allows us to recenter and

737
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:14,480
Speaker 2: it allows our brain to kind of shift. And so

738
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:17,200
Speaker 2: if you need to, that's the second that you got

739
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:19,160
Speaker 2: to take to gather your thoughts on what you really

740
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:21,319
Speaker 2: want to say, how you really want to respond in

741
00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:24,279
Speaker 2: that moment. That breath allows you to do.

742
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:26,680
Speaker 1: So I love it down and I feel like you

743
00:43:26,719 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 1: and I we took a self defense class years I

744
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,680
Speaker 1: think that was part of the process as well. When

745
00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:35,480
Speaker 1: we were basically learning how to respond to a potential attack,

746
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,520
Speaker 1: which was we actually had a chance to roleplay that

747
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,840
Speaker 1: last and I remember talking about the instructor telling us

748
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:45,040
Speaker 1: about grounding ourselves in the moment. So it's very powerful.

749
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:48,800
Speaker 1: So take a deep breath. The A is for assess

750
00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:52,440
Speaker 1: and observed. And so what I think, what comes to

751
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:54,400
Speaker 1: mind from you when I hear this is like thinking

752
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:57,239
Speaker 1: very quickly of course, because it's in the moment. Yes,

753
00:43:57,320 --> 00:44:02,680
Speaker 1: around me, what's around am I is anyone recording? That's

754
00:44:02,719 --> 00:44:04,640
Speaker 1: something to think about these days. That's so sad.

755
00:44:05,120 --> 00:44:06,120
Speaker 2: That's what I got to think about.

756
00:44:06,160 --> 00:44:08,080
Speaker 1: But yes, because I feel like if you look around

757
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,000
Speaker 1: and you see someone's recording, that's going to impact the

758
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:12,640
Speaker 1: way that you respond for sure, definitely, right, Like, if

759
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:15,640
Speaker 1: no one's recording, I'll respond in one way, but if

760
00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:17,880
Speaker 1: I see someone recording, I may I may decide to

761
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:20,920
Speaker 1: even just withdraw and not even address the situation or

762
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 1: quickly move because I don't really posted on social media

763
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:27,400
Speaker 1: in a vulnerable moment that potentially goes viral, like that's

764
00:44:27,520 --> 00:44:28,919
Speaker 1: just don't want it now.

765
00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:33,399
Speaker 2: Or the opposite could be right that you as you're

766
00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:38,320
Speaker 2: assessing and observing, it might be that you see someone

767
00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:44,040
Speaker 2: recording and you want them to document this situation that's happening, right,

768
00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:46,840
Speaker 2: so that you have receipts. You're like, this is what

769
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,920
Speaker 2: went down. You see how I'm responding, how I am

770
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:55,040
Speaker 2: maintaining composure, and you particulate with the Karens like we

771
00:44:55,120 --> 00:45:03,280
Speaker 2: know how these what Beyonce said, Karens are terrorists. Having

772
00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:09,760
Speaker 2: someone recorded at gives your receipts and so assessing and observing,

773
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:14,520
Speaker 2: also assessing and observing for safety, right, letting you know, okay,

774
00:45:16,040 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 2: if this person that is that I'm engaging with, if

775
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:26,800
Speaker 2: it looks like they could take me physically. How exactly

776
00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:30,239
Speaker 2: how do I need to stand and compose myself? What

777
00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:32,600
Speaker 2: exactly do I need to say to remain safe in

778
00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:36,080
Speaker 2: this moment? Right am I in a crowd where that

779
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:39,560
Speaker 2: crowd could quickly turn on me? So you, like you said,

780
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:43,160
Speaker 2: it's these split second decisions that you're assessed to assess

781
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:47,080
Speaker 2: and observe what's happening around you to determine what's going

782
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:49,120
Speaker 2: to be the best next step.

783
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:51,719
Speaker 1: Yep. I love that. One of the other questions that

784
00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:53,400
Speaker 1: came in mind for me around this from Dond is

785
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:56,200
Speaker 1: like what's happening sometimes just prossessing your mind? Like, wait,

786
00:45:56,440 --> 00:45:58,640
Speaker 1: what a tech is going on right now? I remember

787
00:45:58,719 --> 00:46:00,839
Speaker 1: years ago we had a home and I talked about

788
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:03,160
Speaker 1: that on the podcast, and that was a big piece

789
00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:05,680
Speaker 1: for me. It's just like really remaining calm and also

790
00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:08,000
Speaker 1: just like putting two and two together so I can

791
00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:10,520
Speaker 1: understand what am I working with right now? Yes, and

792
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:13,680
Speaker 1: I was going to, Okay, well, we'll get into scenarios

793
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:16,319
Speaker 1: in just a bit. Let's jump into the sea. The

794
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:21,200
Speaker 1: sea is curiosity as clarity. I think getting curious can

795
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 1: be super helpful, and the goal here is to collect

796
00:46:24,719 --> 00:46:29,440
Speaker 1: as much information as possible, right, asking why, asking how,

797
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:33,960
Speaker 1: asking what? Right, like it can also buy you more

798
00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:37,399
Speaker 1: time and also help you stay in the moment because

799
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:40,880
Speaker 1: as they're sharing, yes you're listening, and you're also collecting

800
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:44,399
Speaker 1: more information about what exactly what is the situation from

801
00:46:44,400 --> 00:46:46,799
Speaker 1: their perspective. Maybe there's something they've done that you're like

802
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:50,000
Speaker 1: a little confused about, and you're just getting more clarity there.

803
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:53,600
Speaker 1: You also have a chance to better understand and identify

804
00:46:53,680 --> 00:46:56,120
Speaker 1: what you're going to be addressing right in the moment.

805
00:46:57,480 --> 00:47:01,799
Speaker 2: And I love just getting curious and getting clarity because

806
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:05,200
Speaker 2: sometimes not like we're just gonna keep it, keep it

807
00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:09,040
Speaker 2: a buck, right, Sometimes we have our own stuff going

808
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:15,080
Speaker 2: on that allows us to misunderstand or misinterpret what is

809
00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:20,520
Speaker 2: happening in the moment, for sure, Right, So I might think,

810
00:47:20,560 --> 00:47:24,640
Speaker 2: like we might be engaged in conversation and you might

811
00:47:24,719 --> 00:47:33,520
Speaker 2: say something about my hair, right and in the moment

812
00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:37,520
Speaker 2: because in the background, like you have no idea that

813
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:40,200
Speaker 2: this has been going on for me in the moment,

814
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:43,320
Speaker 2: I've been dealing with all this stress about my hair

815
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:46,400
Speaker 2: and be like, all, like, all this stuff is happening

816
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:48,600
Speaker 2: in the background, So what's on the forefront of my

817
00:47:48,719 --> 00:47:53,919
Speaker 2: mind is being self conscious and insecure about my hair.

818
00:47:54,880 --> 00:47:59,240
Speaker 2: You make a comment about my hair, something completely benign,

819
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:06,520
Speaker 2: like that's a cool color. Right in my head, I'm

820
00:48:06,560 --> 00:48:10,960
Speaker 2: feeling insecure because this isn't my natural color. I didn't

821
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:14,000
Speaker 2: really want this, like all these things that you have

822
00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:19,239
Speaker 2: no idea about. Right, if I take a moment to

823
00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:23,880
Speaker 2: breathe before I respond, assess the situation, and remind myself

824
00:48:23,920 --> 00:48:27,520
Speaker 2: that this is this is my homegirl asking me this

825
00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:33,120
Speaker 2: question or making this comment, I could say, well, what

826
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:35,400
Speaker 2: do you mean? What do you mean this? What do

827
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:37,879
Speaker 2: you mean by that? Like? What makes it.

828
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:40,440
Speaker 1: Cool to you? What makes it cool to you?

829
00:48:41,000 --> 00:48:44,919
Speaker 2: So then that way I get clarity around what you're

830
00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:49,960
Speaker 2: really communicating to me, so that I don't end up

831
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:52,200
Speaker 2: popping off on something that I didn't really need to

832
00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:52,960
Speaker 2: be popping off on.

833
00:48:53,120 --> 00:48:58,120
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, yes, that's so good. Curiosity is super important.

834
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:01,520
Speaker 1: That's a really great example to you do And then

835
00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:05,439
Speaker 1: that takes us to the e, which is express your

836
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:09,880
Speaker 1: feelings and possibly share a call to action if you

837
00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:13,120
Speaker 1: have one. Right, yes, So a few examples of like

838
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:15,680
Speaker 1: what this sentence completion might look like, or at least

839
00:49:15,719 --> 00:49:18,120
Speaker 1: the beginning of the sentence might be I'd rather you

840
00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:22,279
Speaker 1: not x y z because so maybe it could have

841
00:49:22,360 --> 00:49:24,799
Speaker 1: even been the situation like, I, girl, I appreciate that,

842
00:49:24,880 --> 00:49:27,600
Speaker 1: but I'd rather you not even mentioned hair because I've

843
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:30,319
Speaker 1: been really insecure about here lately because of da da

844
00:49:30,360 --> 00:49:32,560
Speaker 1: da da. And it's like, oh, okay, now I'm on notice.

845
00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:34,719
Speaker 1: It's you're using an I statements, So now I'm not

846
00:49:34,719 --> 00:49:37,880
Speaker 1: feeling like you come from here. There's some you know,

847
00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:40,600
Speaker 1: weird tension. You just express your feeling, and then you

848
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:42,279
Speaker 1: gave me a call to action, which is, let's not

849
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:45,680
Speaker 1: even talk about hair right right. It could be direct

850
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:47,799
Speaker 1: as I don't like when you do x y z.

851
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:51,560
Speaker 1: It could be this doesn't work for me, but I

852
00:49:51,719 --> 00:49:55,680
Speaker 1: prefer m hm ABC since we don't use x y Z.

853
00:49:56,200 --> 00:49:59,160
Speaker 1: Then you have another one that I that I thought

854
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:01,360
Speaker 1: of don that I think fits so well with the

855
00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:03,480
Speaker 1: quote of the day that you chose is I'm a

856
00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:05,359
Speaker 1: big caught off guard at the moment, but I'm going

857
00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 1: to process this and circle back to you. Oh I

858
00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:09,760
Speaker 1: love that because I think about that from my situation

859
00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:12,200
Speaker 1: with my daughter, Like I was so caught off guard

860
00:50:12,239 --> 00:50:14,960
Speaker 1: from that situation. But sometimes if you don't have the

861
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:17,040
Speaker 1: tools in the moment, maybe just give yourself some time.

862
00:50:17,080 --> 00:50:20,120
Speaker 1: I'm an internal processor, so sometimes I need time to

863
00:50:20,239 --> 00:50:23,640
Speaker 1: process an infinite journal, write out my thoughts, and then

864
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:25,719
Speaker 1: come back to someone and I'm like, okay, I'm ready now,

865
00:50:25,760 --> 00:50:29,040
Speaker 1: like I did my processing. So sometimes buying yourself time

866
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:31,400
Speaker 1: and just being upfront and transparent. You know, I'm a

867
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:33,440
Speaker 1: little called off ard. I'm gonna have something for you

868
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:35,279
Speaker 1: later because I want to respond to this, but I

869
00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:37,200
Speaker 1: don't have it at the moment. Yes, maybe I'm not

870
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:40,799
Speaker 1: prepared or I'm not exercising at my highest level right now,

871
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:43,160
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna get back to you. Like that's another example.

872
00:50:43,280 --> 00:50:46,719
Speaker 2: So were I love that, and so like just to

873
00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,319
Speaker 2: go through these tools.

874
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,640
Speaker 1: Again before the acting begins.

875
00:50:51,239 --> 00:51:01,960
Speaker 2: Base, okay, breed, assess and observe, sure to get clarity

876
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:08,160
Speaker 2: and express your feelings, potentially with a call to action.

877
00:51:09,520 --> 00:51:13,279
Speaker 1: All right, all right, So we're gonna get into some

878
00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:16,760
Speaker 1: role plane that we have not prepared for. So getting

879
00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:19,400
Speaker 1: ready for this, I'm a little nervous. I will say,

880
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:21,279
Speaker 1: a lady, what we're gonna say?

881
00:51:21,360 --> 00:51:25,160
Speaker 2: Okay for the role plane, because I know people want

882
00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:31,000
Speaker 2: these examples, but if you really want to get the examples.

883
00:51:31,719 --> 00:51:33,399
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to catch us in the after show.

884
00:51:34,600 --> 00:51:40,200
Speaker 1: Okay, I know, lady, this is another episode. What we're

885
00:51:40,280 --> 00:51:42,319
Speaker 1: what we'll do an episode in the after show. We'll

886
00:51:42,320 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 1: go through a few scenarios and then we're going to

887
00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:47,680
Speaker 1: role play using the tools that we just discussed here.

888
00:51:48,040 --> 00:51:50,560
Speaker 1: So if you want to head on over to her

889
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:54,480
Speaker 1: Space podcast dot com, click on Patreon Wisdom Wednesday with

890
00:51:54,520 --> 00:51:57,200
Speaker 1: Tarry in the very top, and then you can click

891
00:51:57,239 --> 00:51:59,239
Speaker 1: there and you can get access to all of our

892
00:51:59,239 --> 00:52:02,680
Speaker 1: after shows, record video content for all of our episodes,

893
00:52:02,800 --> 00:52:05,360
Speaker 1: you can find them. You can find some previews on YouTube,

894
00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:07,120
Speaker 1: but our latest ones are going to be on Patreon,

895
00:52:07,520 --> 00:52:10,319
Speaker 1: and that's also an opportunity for you to support this podcast,

896
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:14,959
Speaker 1: which is black founded, black funded, and black is another

897
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:18,560
Speaker 1: effort black owned. There we go, another effort, but black owned.

898
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:22,279
Speaker 1: It's black everything. This is what we this is our thing,

899
00:52:22,360 --> 00:52:24,200
Speaker 1: this is what we do. Is still work full time

900
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:27,560
Speaker 1: and we release episodes every Friday for you, for us,

901
00:52:27,560 --> 00:52:29,480
Speaker 1: for the community. We do it for us. We love

902
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:32,439
Speaker 1: us for real. So come support lady and we'll catch

903
00:52:32,440 --> 00:52:37,080
Speaker 1: you in the after show. All hye, my bye, hey, lady.

904
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:40,440
Speaker 3: It's Terry here from the cultivating her Space podcast. I'm

905
00:52:40,480 --> 00:52:43,359
Speaker 3: hosting a free podcasting masterclass where I'm going to teach

906
00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:46,840
Speaker 3: you how to create your impactful podcast and how you

907
00:52:46,880 --> 00:52:50,560
Speaker 3: can generate multiple streams of income. You can visit podcast

908
00:52:50,719 --> 00:52:54,000
Speaker 3: with Terry dot com to register for free. I hope

909
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:54,600
Speaker 3: to see you there.

910
00:52:56,560 --> 00:53:00,760
Speaker 2: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show

911
00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:06,759
Speaker 2: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and

912
00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:10,000
Speaker 2: mental health, but is by no means meant to be

913
00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:14,320
Speaker 2: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained

914
00:53:14,360 --> 00:53:18,400
Speaker 2: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is

915
00:53:18,440 --> 00:53:21,760
Speaker 2: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy

916
00:53:21,800 --> 00:53:27,720
Speaker 2: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

917
00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:29,759
Speaker 1: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

918
00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:33,680
Speaker 1: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

919
00:53:33,760 --> 00:53:38,640
Speaker 1: Twitter at herspace podcast or check out our website at

920
00:53:38,680 --> 00:53:42,480
Speaker 1: herspace podcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

921
00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:47,280
Speaker 1: after me. I attract abundance and prosperity with ease.