Speaker 1: I am a yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for salm in a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: Everyone has their own BS, their own belief system, and
Speaker 1: everyone believes things about the world based on that BS,
Speaker 1: that belief system. It's a survival mechanism or a way
Speaker 1: of understanding the world around us and our experiences. If
Speaker 1: you were bitten by a dog at a young age,
Speaker 1: you might believe that all dogs will bite you, that
Speaker 1: dogs are scary and dangerous. If you've ever had a
Speaker 1: car accident, maybe you are afraid to drive. Anything and
Speaker 1: everything we experience can push the triggers of our belief
Speaker 1: systems in one way or another, and that also applies
Speaker 1: to relationships. People who have dealt with abandonment will attract
Speaker 1: those who abandon them, people who have dealt with rejection
Speaker 1: will attract those who reject them. And others who believe
Speaker 1: they don't deserve love, can't have love, won't ever get
Speaker 1: love will attract people who cannot give them the love
Speaker 1: that they want or need. It's a catch twenty two.
Speaker 1: So how do you fix that? How do you heal
Speaker 1: those issues? Well, we're gonna learn about that today. Let's
Speaker 1: say hello to our first caller. Good afternoon, beloved, welcome
Speaker 1: to the art spot. How can I support you today? First,
Speaker 1: I want to say I love you. I've been listening
Speaker 1: to you for years. I wish you could be like
Speaker 1: my personal therapist. I really wish. No, I'm not a therapist,
Speaker 1: so we would be in a lot of trouble. I know, though,
Speaker 1: what your insight is just amazing. I love it. What
Speaker 1: kind of insight can I support you with? Today? So basically,
Speaker 1: I truly desire to have a committed relationship. I want
Speaker 1: to be married. I would like to have another child.
Speaker 1: But it's like all of the men that I come across,
Speaker 1: it's like they all just want, you know, to deal
Speaker 1: with multiple women. They don't want to commit, or they
Speaker 1: act like they do at the beginning just to give
Speaker 1: it they want, and then they disappear. So I'm kind
Speaker 1: of just like losing hope for anything serious. I don't
Speaker 1: know what do me either? Oh my god, me either, honey,
Speaker 1: And you're a lot younger than I am. So the
Speaker 1: people my age ain't got no teething on all kind
Speaker 1: of medication and pieces and parts ain't working. So we
Speaker 1: just out here together. What else gonna do? What else
Speaker 1: gonna do? Wow, I'm gonna go right to the core.
Speaker 1: Why do you want to be in relationship? Oh, that's
Speaker 1: a great question. I feel like I would be happy
Speaker 1: if I, like had a family to care for. That
Speaker 1: would just make me happy. So you want to be
Speaker 1: in relationship for what it will bring to you? Well,
Speaker 1: I also want to, you know, contribute to my partner
Speaker 1: a very loving, nurturing, caring person. So I do plan
Speaker 1: to give as well. And I'll just take what have
Speaker 1: you given in the past and what have you received?
Speaker 1: I feel like everything I've given loyalty, UM, trustworthy. If
Speaker 1: a person needs help with something, I would try. So
Speaker 1: I've been a motivator all types of things. UM. I
Speaker 1: feel like in return, I feel like in return, I
Speaker 1: just like at the end of each situation, I feel depleted.
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I was given anything. I feel
Speaker 1: like I was probably begging most of the time. Or
Speaker 1: person make it seem like what I'm asking for is
Speaker 1: too much? Mm hmm. So why did you give so
Speaker 1: much and hopes that I would get Yeah, so your
Speaker 1: relationships are transactional. You're dealing with transactional relationships. You give
Speaker 1: me this, I'll give you that. If I give you this,
Speaker 1: you should give me that. Transactional relationships never work and
Speaker 1: the giver always receives less. Always, And at the core,
Speaker 1: at the core of a transactional relationship, there is a cootie.
Speaker 1: You know what a cootie is. A cootie is like
Speaker 1: a little bug, a little thing that eats away at something.
Speaker 1: Cooties and nasty. You know what is at the the
Speaker 1: cootie at the core of a transactional relationship. Want me
Speaker 1: to tell you what it is? The belief that you
Speaker 1: can't have what you want. M there's a belief there.
Speaker 1: Uh huh. You can't have what you want. Now, you
Speaker 1: keep trying to disprove it, but you will never live
Speaker 1: beyond your belief. And if you believe that you can't
Speaker 1: have what you want, you will never have it. You'll
Speaker 1: keep getting evidence to prove that your belief is right.
Speaker 1: It leads to this kind of cat and mouse game.
Speaker 1: I can't have what I want. Oh, but that looks
Speaker 1: like what I want, so let me get that. But
Speaker 1: the belief is operating, I can't have what I want,
Speaker 1: So you'll continue to attract things and people that aren't
Speaker 1: what you want because you know what we want more
Speaker 1: than anything else, We want to be right. And so
Speaker 1: you have a belief that is I can't have what
Speaker 1: I want. I want to be right about that, so
Speaker 1: I'll keep attracting evidence to make me right about the belief.
Speaker 1: You got to heal up the belief. So what do
Speaker 1: I need to do to reverse their thought process? So
Speaker 1: you know, there's a very powerful way to dismantle belief systems,
Speaker 1: and that's really to dump the consciousness of where the
Speaker 1: belief originated. So this probably originated in your childhood. And
Speaker 1: the way you can get in touch with that is
Speaker 1: by writing with your non dominant hand. So are you
Speaker 1: right handed or left handed? Okay, So that means with
Speaker 1: your left hand you would have to write. What I
Speaker 1: believe about relationship hips is what I believe about having
Speaker 1: a relationship in my life. What I believe about being
Speaker 1: loved by someone is all of that stuff. But you
Speaker 1: write it with your left hand, not with your right hand,
Speaker 1: because the left hand, the non dominant hand, will dump
Speaker 1: your subconscious mind and bring up all of those feelings
Speaker 1: and it's hard to do. It's hard, you know, to
Speaker 1: right with your left hand. It's gonna be all over
Speaker 1: the paper and it's gonna look real crazy, but you're
Speaker 1: gonna tap into what the cootie up under there, because
Speaker 1: there's some sadness and there's some anger, and there's some disappointment, yeah,
Speaker 1: and loneliness. Yeah, probably all the way back to when
Speaker 1: you were little. And that's what you've got to uproot.
Speaker 1: And with your right hand, you know, you can do
Speaker 1: some powerful attraction through I am you know, I am
Speaker 1: attracting the right partner. I am attracting a generous partner.
Speaker 1: I am attracting a committed partner. I am attracting a
Speaker 1: loving partner. And you can do that with your right hand,
Speaker 1: because it's not the man. There are plenty of men
Speaker 1: out there, plenty of available men. And I know how
Speaker 1: I know because I talked to them all the time.
Speaker 1: Why can't I find a good woman? Really? Yeah? What
Speaker 1: do you believe about good women? You know? Where are they? Philadelphia? Oh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I used to live in Philly. West Philly forty nine
Speaker 1: and Pine they there, well, North Philly. That's why you
Speaker 1: can't find nobody go down to West Philly. No, I'm
Speaker 1: just scared. I'm just teasing you. But that's really what
Speaker 1: it's about. It's about your relationships have become transactional. You've
Speaker 1: been giving more than you're getting because you don't believe
Speaker 1: you can have what you want. You don't believe you
Speaker 1: can have what you want. So it has to be
Speaker 1: about you moving into that belief of I can have
Speaker 1: what I want. So since you ain't in a relationship,
Speaker 1: you got time do the work. Okay, Okay, my darling,
Speaker 1: thank you for calling, Thank you for speaking with me today. Okay,
Speaker 1: bye bye. We all have a belief system. The issue
Speaker 1: is how do we clean up our belief systems so
Speaker 1: that relationships are not such hard work. In my caller's case,
Speaker 1: she needs to identify the times that she didn't get
Speaker 1: what she wanted. Then over time she started to believe
Speaker 1: this pattern and live this pattern, and she believes this
Speaker 1: is just how things are going to be for her,
Speaker 1: and then she'll attract people who cannot will not do,
Speaker 1: not give her what she wants and keep the psychle
Speaker 1: going my lord. That's why you mu us do the
Speaker 1: work to identify your patterns and then dismantle them by
Speaker 1: creating a new pattern. After the break, will come back
Speaker 1: with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but
Speaker 1: for a very different reason. Welcome back to the our
Speaker 1: spot today. We're talking about dismantling your false belief systems. Now,
Speaker 1: this whole notion of unworthiness and not being able to
Speaker 1: have what it is we say we want shows up
Speaker 1: in a variety way. Some of them are very clever,
Speaker 1: because you know, we are brilliant when it comes to
Speaker 1: covering up our core issues. Okay, We'll never go around
Speaker 1: saying I'm unworthy and I can't have what we want,
Speaker 1: But what we will do is create all kinds of story,
Speaker 1: all kinds of drama, and all kinds of bad behavior
Speaker 1: that the ego then uses to reinforce the belief that
Speaker 1: I'm unworthy of having what I want. One of the
Speaker 1: ways we do that is serial dating. My next guest
Speaker 1: is a classic example. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the
Speaker 1: art spot. And what is the challenge issue dilemma that
Speaker 1: you're bringing to the table for us to nibble on today.
Speaker 1: I'll good afternoon, Queen Iana, thank you so much for
Speaker 1: having me. How are you? I am blessed and so
Speaker 1: blessed and here your boyfe I want to see you
Speaker 1: when you came the spots and I don't want to ramble,
Speaker 1: but I just love you so much and I've been
Speaker 1: following you for years and I'm so honored to be
Speaker 1: able to bring my issue, relationship issue to you. Okay,
Speaker 1: you got a relationship issue, do you? The issue I
Speaker 1: have is I have trouble building lasting relationships because of
Speaker 1: trust issues in the past and the relationship where I
Speaker 1: I felt like I gave a hundred percent and was
Speaker 1: heard and treat it on and lied to and it
Speaker 1: just has kind of given me I kind of like
Speaker 1: a serial data. I love dating, but as soon as
Speaker 1: I see anything that looks like it's not right, I run.
Speaker 1: And I'm trying to get to a point where I recognize,
Speaker 1: you know, normal things that you should expect and just
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's just that's where I'm struggling at
Speaker 1: the trust and relinquishing the control out of fear of
Speaker 1: being hurt. Oh yeah, did you see the movie The Matrix?
Speaker 1: I did? Okay, did you like him? I did? Do
Speaker 1: you remember that whenever Neo went out to do something
Speaker 1: in the world, to fight Jones or to go visit
Speaker 1: the Oracle or anything, that he was strapped into the chair. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: So that meant that everything that we were seeing, everything
Speaker 1: that he went through, what was going on in his
Speaker 1: mind because he was strapped into the chair. I'm strapped
Speaker 1: into the chair. Yeah, you strapped into the chair, baby,
Speaker 1: making up all kinds of stuff. And do you remember
Speaker 1: that Morpheus said to Neo, do you want the red
Speaker 1: pill or the blue pill? The blue pill will keep
Speaker 1: you exactly where you are doing, exactly what you're doing.
Speaker 1: That's the blue pill, And the red pill is gonna
Speaker 1: cataport you out of the matrix into a whole another
Speaker 1: way of being. All right, do you want the blue
Speaker 1: pill or the red pill? You sure? Okay, Red says,
Speaker 1: give me the real truth, the hardcore rock, gut, cold
Speaker 1: water in my face, slapped me up inside the head truth.
Speaker 1: That's the red pill. You want that one, okay. Someplace
Speaker 1: deep in your being is the belief that you can't
Speaker 1: have what you want, that you brilliantly, brilliantly set yourself
Speaker 1: up to be in situations that will give you evidence
Speaker 1: that you can't have what you want. It's just that simple.
Speaker 1: And you cannot live beyond your beliefs. So what you
Speaker 1: will do is tirelessly, relentlessly and unconsciously put yourselves in
Speaker 1: situations or with people are under circumstances where you can't
Speaker 1: have what you want. In the minute, there's an iota
Speaker 1: of what looks like, smells like, tastes like you can't
Speaker 1: have it. You blame them. They are gonna give me
Speaker 1: what I want. They're gonna hurt me, they're gonna leave me.
Speaker 1: So let me go all all the way back. Let
Speaker 1: me go back to the route and the cars. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: who left you, Mommy, daddy, Grandma? Who left you daddy? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: that's number one. And what was the script or the
Speaker 1: conversation I'm talking young, I'm talking three four or five
Speaker 1: secs with the caregivers about you having what you want.
Speaker 1: It could have been we can't afford it, that's too much,
Speaker 1: you can't have it. What was that conversation? What was
Speaker 1: that script that was implanted in your consciousness? Um, then
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say it's a little bit of both. So
Speaker 1: at the time, my biological father was deceased as I
Speaker 1: was three. So I was raised by my mom in
Speaker 1: a single parent home, and I had a brother, and
Speaker 1: I always felt like the bad kid. Even though I
Speaker 1: didn't do necessarily the bad things, regular mischievous things. I
Speaker 1: kind of always had the title of the bad kid,
Speaker 1: you know, period period right there, Yeah, right there, I
Speaker 1: was the bad kid. Now do bad kids get punished?
Speaker 1: Do bad kids get in your experience, what happened to
Speaker 1: bad kids? I was always expected to mess up, and
Speaker 1: so I did most of the time. M because you
Speaker 1: you will live up to the expectations. I did. But
Speaker 1: years later, you know, my real dad, who is alive.
Speaker 1: That's his character. He's slick, he's street, he's cunning, he's bad.
Speaker 1: And so that was kind of at the time. I
Speaker 1: didn't realize that I was wearing that because when my
Speaker 1: mom saw me, she saw my dad and she said,
Speaker 1: without saying it, she was thinking it, she's like him now.
Speaker 1: And so I lived up to that, you know, I
Speaker 1: lived up to it. Years later, when I was forty seven,
Speaker 1: I realized my dad was alive and that it just
Speaker 1: was a untruth, the secret that kind of was kept.
Speaker 1: So anyway, yeah, I always felt like that that I
Speaker 1: couldn't do anything right or I'm gonna make a mistake.
Speaker 1: I'm walking kind of on a tight rope in my
Speaker 1: happiness is short time because I'm gonna mess something up.
Speaker 1: So knowing all of that, why in the world are
Speaker 1: you calling me? You just laid it right out. It's
Speaker 1: something about a yama. So let me give you a prescription,
Speaker 1: because it's not that you don't trust people. It's that
Speaker 1: you don't trust yourself because you are bad. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: don't trust yourself because people have secrets and you don't
Speaker 1: know what they are. You don't trust yourself because people
Speaker 1: are dishonest and you can't figure that out. Yeah, okay, yes,
Speaker 1: and well you don't have no time in the waste
Speaker 1: My producer said, you fifty two. So we got to
Speaker 1: get this resolved. Okay, we've been doing this a long
Speaker 1: long time. After this break, we're going to talk about
Speaker 1: how to heal that inner child and break the pattern
Speaker 1: of the people that you are attracting. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the our spot where we're talking about dismantling relationship belief
Speaker 1: systems and healing your inner child, who will run your
Speaker 1: life if you let it. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: So I heard you say something about three. At three
Speaker 1: years old, you were told that your daddy was deceased.
Speaker 1: Is that accurate? Do you have a picture of yourself
Speaker 1: at three or around that age? I want you to
Speaker 1: get that picture. I want you to put it in
Speaker 1: a put it in a nice frame. Go to the
Speaker 1: Dollar Tree. You can get a nice frame from the
Speaker 1: Dollar Tree, or if you feel extravagant, go to Michaels.
Speaker 1: They have more sale. Put that picture in a nice,
Speaker 1: beautiful frame. Because I want you to teach that little
Speaker 1: girl that she can trust you. She's still in there, okay,
Speaker 1: and she's got all the information from the five year
Speaker 1: old and nine year old, the thirteen year old. Because
Speaker 1: I can imagine eleven the thirteen was a rough time
Speaker 1: for you, because that's when all your badness was showing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know, because you're growing into your own you want
Speaker 1: to become independent, and you're thinking about those are rough
Speaker 1: ages for girls. Your body's changing, everything's changing. And when
Speaker 1: did you become sexually active? How old were you? Oh?
Speaker 1: My god, mom, okay, okay, oh you messed up again,
Speaker 1: didn't you did? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, bless your heart, baby,
Speaker 1: you've been through a lot. Get that fifteen year old
Speaker 1: if you've got a picture of her thirteen fifteen, so
Speaker 1: you can get the picture of the little one and
Speaker 1: the picture of twelve thirteen fourteen somewhere in there. Put
Speaker 1: those pictures in a very prominent place where you can
Speaker 1: see them. But here is the work that I want
Speaker 1: you to do. This is a very deep and sacred work, okay,
Speaker 1: and it was developed by a psychologist in Hawaii who
Speaker 1: worked with the criminally insane. Now you're not criminally insane,
Speaker 1: but the process works, okay. What's criminal is the belief
Speaker 1: that you can't have what you want. That is your
Speaker 1: punishment for being bad. You can't trust yourself because you're
Speaker 1: dishonest and you're slick in your cunning, and you're gonna
Speaker 1: mess it up sooner or later. So the trust issue
Speaker 1: is with yourself. So, beloved, there's something that I think
Speaker 1: would be very helpful for you. It's called the whole
Speaker 1: opon Pono process. That's h o O p o n
Speaker 1: o p o n o whole opon no process. So
Speaker 1: I want to speak to you, a little three year
Speaker 1: old that are large deep in your subconscious mind. I
Speaker 1: want to speak to them, right now see feel imagine
Speaker 1: that that three year old, that four year old, five
Speaker 1: year old you are right there present with you. Take
Speaker 1: a breath and just remember what you look like, what
Speaker 1: your hair looks like, what your body looks like, what
Speaker 1: your legs look like. Can you see that or feel
Speaker 1: that or imagine it? Yeah? Yeah, So I want to
Speaker 1: say to you, little Rochelle, I love you. I love you,
Speaker 1: and I'm speaking for the big you. I'm speaking for
Speaker 1: the fifty two year old Rochelle who knows all that
Speaker 1: you've been through. I love you, and I am so
Speaker 1: so sorry that you've been taught that you're bad. Please
Speaker 1: forgive who ever taught you that, Little rochell She is
Speaker 1: so so so sorry that you've been taught that you
Speaker 1: can't trust yourself, you can't trust your thoughts, you can't
Speaker 1: trust your feelings. But most of all, she is so
Speaker 1: so sorry that you've been taught that you can't have
Speaker 1: what you want. Please forgive whoever taught you that. Thank
Speaker 1: you for being committed to your healing. Thank you, little Rochelle.
Speaker 1: I'm speaking for the big Rochelle who knows you and
Speaker 1: loves you, and she wants you to know that she
Speaker 1: is so so sorry that the big people that you trusted,
Speaker 1: the big people that you depended on, were dishonest and
Speaker 1: made you believe that you two were dishonest. She wants
Speaker 1: you to forgive them right now so that you and
Speaker 1: her can heal, and she says, thank you for being
Speaker 1: committed to your healing. Take a breath, Tell me what
Speaker 1: you're feeling right now? Pretty deep? Yeah, pretty yeah. Your
Speaker 1: work is to work with those two pictures of yourself,
Speaker 1: the little girl and a teenager and the teen mom,
Speaker 1: and to every day for a couple of days, just
Speaker 1: sit with them, and here's the statements. I love you,
Speaker 1: I am so sorry that, and then you talk about
Speaker 1: whatever it is. You talk about what you believe in,
Speaker 1: what you thought, what you were told. Please forgive them,
Speaker 1: for they know not what they do. Thank you. Those
Speaker 1: are the only four statements that you have to make.
Speaker 1: And you'll know whether you're talking to the little one,
Speaker 1: whether you're talking to the big one, because you have
Speaker 1: to teach those parts of yourself that they can trust
Speaker 1: you and that you can trust yourself. And as you
Speaker 1: free them up from the past, you'll free yourself up
Speaker 1: from the past, because all you're doing is living an
Speaker 1: ingrained pattern, that's all. You can even go online and
Speaker 1: look up the whole opponent PONO process and it will
Speaker 1: give you four statements. Work with them, let's say, over
Speaker 1: the course of the next month, and things will start
Speaker 1: coming up. You'll start remembering things. It's not you at
Speaker 1: fifty two, it's those little people, so that you can
Speaker 1: clear the side of your body and your system. Does
Speaker 1: that sound doable, my love, It definitely sounds doable. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, yes it does. Yeah. So your assignment is
Speaker 1: to go to the Dollar Tree or Michael's. I'm not
Speaker 1: advertising for either of those two businesses. Get those picture
Speaker 1: frames and put those two little ones in a prominent place,
Speaker 1: and every day for the next month or longer if
Speaker 1: you need to, I like to work with forty two days,
Speaker 1: because they say it takes forty days to break a
Speaker 1: habit and two days to instill a new one. The
Speaker 1: first forty days you're breaking the habit of thinking you're badge,
Speaker 1: you're wrong, you're slick, you're cunning, you're gonna mess up,
Speaker 1: you can't do it right. And then the next two
Speaker 1: days you're gonna be establishing the new habit of seeing
Speaker 1: yourself and those little people within you in a new way. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and for the time being, don't date nobody because you
Speaker 1: a mess. Right now, I am, I am, I agree,
Speaker 1: Do not date nothing. Get you some popcorn and watch TV.
Speaker 1: Give yourself a chance to heal. And when you hang
Speaker 1: up this phone, you know what I want you to do.
Speaker 1: Go somewhere in the corner and weep, just weep for
Speaker 1: those broken little girls that you've been carrying around in
Speaker 1: and out of dates. Oh my god. Okay, yeah, Oh,
Speaker 1: you got forty two days, so give me a calling
Speaker 1: about sixty days and let me know how you're doing. Okay,
Speaker 1: I will thank you for calling the loove it. Now,
Speaker 1: go in the corner and weep. That's your assignment. Okay,
Speaker 1: bye bye, thank you so much, Bye bye bye. It's
Speaker 1: just the fact of life that the experiences we have
Speaker 1: as children, the experiences we have with the big people,
Speaker 1: the caregivers, are siblings, other children in the neighborhood, these
Speaker 1: experiences teach us how to navigate relationships. We learn from
Speaker 1: the people in our lives. We emulate and recreate those
Speaker 1: dynamics and their relationships in our relationships. We can even
Speaker 1: learn about relationships from the people who are not in
Speaker 1: our lives, and if we develop patterns and beliefs about abandonment, rejection,
Speaker 1: or insecurity, we're going to live them out until we
Speaker 1: change it. There are ways to dissolve these belief systems
Speaker 1: and behave your patterns, and it's important to do the
Speaker 1: work as soon as you can to identify your issue,
Speaker 1: because you'll never have a healthy relationship or attract the
Speaker 1: people you want in your life if you believe you
Speaker 1: can't do it, if you believe you're not worthy of it,
Speaker 1: if you believe it will never happen for you or
Speaker 1: this is a good one. Very often in our relationship,
Speaker 1: instead of running toward what we want, we run away
Speaker 1: from what we don't want and in the process recreate
Speaker 1: the pattern. Now, these belief systems as it relates to relationship,
Speaker 1: these are hard patterns to break, but you can do it.
Speaker 1: You can move forward, you can heal, you can change,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't matter what age you are. Now. I
Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you
Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling
Speaker 1: times and until then, stay in peace and not pieces.
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.