Speaker 1: Hey, y'all, it's and guess what, we wrote a whole
Speaker 1: ass book. That's right, y'all. Our book, We Over Me,
Speaker 1: The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything you Want from your Relationship,
Speaker 1: discusses family, parenting, devours favorite topic, sex and intimacy, finances
Speaker 1: and commitment with the honesty and raw truth y'all have
Speaker 1: always gotten from us. We over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach
Speaker 1: to Getting Everything you Want from your Relationship, is available
Speaker 1: for preorder today. That's right, run don't walk to www
Speaker 1: dot p r h dot com slash we over Me
Speaker 1: to pre order your book today. I honestly think women
Speaker 1: have changed since the fifties, but more importantly, men have
Speaker 1: changed as well. M. And for me, I think it
Speaker 1: is giving. The level of respect that a woman has
Speaker 1: for a man when it comes to earning is really
Speaker 1: just dependent on the respect she has for him in general. M.
Speaker 1: Dead as dead ass baby. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're
Speaker 1: the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: with our boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We
Speaker 1: are We created this podcast to open dialogue about some
Speaker 1: of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead ass is the term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take pillows off to a whole new level.
Speaker 1: Dead at starts right now. I'm gonna take you guys
Speaker 1: back to two thousand and nine. I believe you're really
Speaker 1: good with years because I don't be remembering years. Yes,
Speaker 1: I remember the years. I remember everything, remember everything. Um,
Speaker 1: two thousand nine, we just decided that we were going
Speaker 1: to move forward with getting married, and I had officially
Speaker 1: retired from the NFL. I was done. So this was
Speaker 1: the end of two thousand nine. This was at the
Speaker 1: end of the season when um, oh, it's a matter
Speaker 1: of fact, it wasn't two thousand nine. It was two
Speaker 1: thousand and ten because two thousand nine I spent the
Speaker 1: off season with the Cleveland Browns. Two thousand ten is
Speaker 1: when I put in my paperwork to officially retire, and
Speaker 1: that's when I got my servants paid. That's how the years,
Speaker 1: and we moved back. We moved back to two thousand nine,
Speaker 1: but two thousand ten was the first year, and that
Speaker 1: was the year going into our wedding. So this is
Speaker 1: two thousand and ten. This is a down February two
Speaker 1: thous and ten, um I had officially retired from the
Speaker 1: NFL and Codeine. I believe I told parts of this
Speaker 1: story before. Coneine was back home and she had woke
Speaker 1: up one morning and she was crying, and I was like, yo, like,
Speaker 1: what's what's the matter. And she was like, I don't
Speaker 1: know what's going on with my life, Like I'm just here,
Speaker 1: I'm just existing, like I'm just in the bed, I
Speaker 1: have my master's degree. I don't know what's happening next.
Speaker 1: And I was like, well, we're getting married, and she
Speaker 1: was like, well, I know that, but I just don't
Speaker 1: know what's happening with me next. And I literally said
Speaker 1: to her, how about you get up off your ass
Speaker 1: and do something about it, And we're gonna do a
Speaker 1: whole another podcast about that about that, yes, the tough love,
Speaker 1: but also how well we're gonna do a whole another
Speaker 1: podcast on that communication stuff. But I said, why don't
Speaker 1: you get up off your ass and do something about it.
Speaker 1: And she said, what you mean. I said, you're sitting
Speaker 1: here crying in the bed when you have twenty four
Speaker 1: hours today to find a way to get going towards
Speaker 1: your dream. I said, what do you want to do?
Speaker 1: And you said to me, you said, I don't know
Speaker 1: what to do. I don't know how to get into TV.
Speaker 1: I know I can do makeup because I was doing
Speaker 1: makeup at MAC when we were in Michigan. So I said,
Speaker 1: why don't you go to a Max store in Brooklyn
Speaker 1: and just tell them you want to be an artist?
Speaker 1: And she said okay. So we got up that day,
Speaker 1: the both of us got up that day before any kids.
Speaker 1: This is before our wedding, and we drove to King's Plaza. No,
Speaker 1: we didn't drive to Kingslas. No. Remember, I took my
Speaker 1: engagement ring off, put it in the drewry box, and
Speaker 1: I got into forty four. I walked up to no Strength.
Speaker 1: You drove me to my interview, And yes, I did
Speaker 1: drive it to the interview monitue, Yes, said I drove
Speaker 1: it to the inter of your money. Yes, she took
Speaker 1: off for an engagement ring. She went and down to
Speaker 1: be four of Us and went to kings Plaza. Went
Speaker 1: to kings Plaza, walked in there, tell him she wanted
Speaker 1: to be an artist, and then she applied to be
Speaker 1: a part time makeup artist. At the time, I was
Speaker 1: starting Elite Prototype Athletics and I didn't have any income
Speaker 1: coming in other than working at Polly Prep as an
Speaker 1: assistant football coach. And I was making don't laugh, two
Speaker 1: thousand dollars for the season, living in New York with
Speaker 1: two investment properties, three car notes, paying for a wedding,
Speaker 1: our rent for the apartment, and all I had made
Speaker 1: was two thousand dollars for the entire football season. And
Speaker 1: I was trying to figure out how I was going
Speaker 1: to get through the next couple of years of my life.
Speaker 1: And I knew that Elite Prototype Athletics was the beginning.
Speaker 1: I and D E P E N D E and
Speaker 1: D Do you know what that means? It is but
Speaker 1: every time that song comes on, I always go at
Speaker 1: that part it so it totally works. If no DJ
Speaker 1: out there has mixed the two songs, credit us with that,
Speaker 1: because that really because that was a good one. That
Speaker 1: was a good one. But we're talking about independent. What
Speaker 1: does that mean? What does masculinity look like in a
Speaker 1: woman per se in a man? Is she masculine or
Speaker 1: is he insecure? That's what we're kind of unraveling today
Speaker 1: in this episode. So when when men tell a woman
Speaker 1: that she's too masculine, what exactly does he really mean?
Speaker 1: And it'll be interesting to hear your perspective on that,
Speaker 1: and I'll tell you what that means for me too. Well,
Speaker 1: of course you won't have to pay some bills for us,
Speaker 1: because neither one of us are independent. Right now, let's
Speaker 1: me make some money. That's the whole fact. We're gonna
Speaker 1: pay some bills back to yall with why I told
Speaker 1: that story, why that song was sung? New Year, New topics?
Speaker 1: All right, baby, So taking us back to story time, UM,
Speaker 1: you can impact for us a little bit why you
Speaker 1: share that story and what it has to do with
Speaker 1: today's topic. So the reason why I share, the reason
Speaker 1: why I shared that topic was because there was a
Speaker 1: moment in my life where I technically was not the breadwinner. Now,
Speaker 1: the reason why I say technically because I still paid
Speaker 1: all of the bills. I had a reserve. Um, I
Speaker 1: was still paying for our wedding. UM. I was still
Speaker 1: making sure that everything was covered for our investment properties.
Speaker 1: I had bought one of my anto car. I was
Speaker 1: paying that cardinal, I was paying Codeine's cardinal. I was
Speaker 1: paying my car note, and I was helping a lot
Speaker 1: of people. And I had money in reserve from playing ball.
Speaker 1: But I was broke. I wasn't poor. And the reason
Speaker 1: why I say I was broke is because we were
Speaker 1: living quote unquote paycheck to paycheck. And I picked up
Speaker 1: some odd jobs here working at a substitute teacher, doing
Speaker 1: certain things, but I wasn't bringing in consistent amount of money.
Speaker 1: Codeine went back to work and she started as a
Speaker 1: part time makeup artist, and she was making consistent amount
Speaker 1: of money. But the most important thing was she ended
Speaker 1: up getting health insurance. And I didn't have health insurance.
Speaker 1: But they don't tell you about the nfl IS. Once
Speaker 1: you don't make the mandatory minimum games of three years
Speaker 1: and three games, you do not get health insurance when
Speaker 1: you are cut from a team. And I got cut
Speaker 1: from a team, so I didn't have health insurance, which
Speaker 1: means Codeine didn't have health weren't you shy like one
Speaker 1: game or something like crazy like that? I was shot
Speaker 1: three games and I played three years, and I didn't
Speaker 1: play the remaining three games to get my fourth year
Speaker 1: so I could be vested veteran. When you're invested veteran,
Speaker 1: you get the health insurance. And I didn't get the
Speaker 1: vested veterans, so I don't get the health insurance or
Speaker 1: the pension. Technicality, yes, and it's part of the business.
Speaker 1: It is what it is. It's fucked up, but that's
Speaker 1: the way the business works. But um, the reason why
Speaker 1: I told the story was because technically I wasn't the breadwinner.
Speaker 1: Codeine was making money every two weeks and our health
Speaker 1: insurance was in her name. We were getting married that
Speaker 1: with that July, so we figured, shoot, the minute she
Speaker 1: gets married and I'm her husband and she has health insurance,
Speaker 1: we both have health insurance. So at that moment, Codeine's
Speaker 1: working was the most important part of our resources coming in.
Speaker 1: Even though I was paying all the bills. She was
Speaker 1: tech thinkly the breadwinner. She was making most of the
Speaker 1: revenue coming in, and for me as a man, it
Speaker 1: was like, all right, I'm not gonna ask her to
Speaker 1: pay rent or split it half. I want her to
Speaker 1: keep that in her reserve so that if I need it,
Speaker 1: I could say hey, babe, And there were times I
Speaker 1: was just like, babe, how much money do you have
Speaker 1: in your account? Because I would be doing, you know,
Speaker 1: doing my math. This is why can I said, you
Speaker 1: always remember that the dates. I'm good with numbers, I
Speaker 1: remember the math. And I was just like, all right,
Speaker 1: as long as I continue to make these many days
Speaker 1: with substitute tunique teaching. Shout out to my aunt Monique. Mom.
Speaker 1: Monique got me a substitute teacher job in Nashwreth Regional
Speaker 1: High School program getting it was like five six in
Speaker 1: the morn to teach Jim for summer school. My brother
Speaker 1: Brian got me a job at Eagle Academy while I
Speaker 1: was also a substitute teacher there as well in a
Speaker 1: part time dean so I had. I was keeping a
Speaker 1: bunch of different jobs, but it wasn't what a man
Speaker 1: would consider to be making money, even though I was
Speaker 1: able to pay all the bills and we were living
Speaker 1: paycheck to paycheck um for all the new listeners. The
Speaker 1: reason why it was because the economic crash upen in
Speaker 1: two thousand and eight and I got cut initially from
Speaker 1: the Lions in two thousand and eight, and they spent
Speaker 1: the entire season not playing. Then we moved back to Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: I got signed by the Cleveland Browns, but you don't
Speaker 1: make any money during the off season, and they end
Speaker 1: up getting cut before the season started. So the majority
Speaker 1: of our money had gone into investments, which were the
Speaker 1: two properties we bought, and the stock market. The stock
Speaker 1: market had crashed in two thousand and eight and we
Speaker 1: had lost roughly thirty five percent of everything that we
Speaker 1: had saved. That was a hot mess. And I think
Speaker 1: it's important that you say that and you explain that
Speaker 1: because I think when people, for example, new listeners, people
Speaker 1: who know our story kind of have an idea, but
Speaker 1: for newer listeners or people who are just joining us,
Speaker 1: they don't understand, like, oh, shoot, he played in the NFL,
Speaker 1: he should have had money, because the expectation is that
Speaker 1: regardless of how long you've played, or where you've played,
Speaker 1: what position you've played, what team you've played for, whether
Speaker 1: you're undrafted or free agent or drafted, that NFL players
Speaker 1: have made a substantial amount of money where they show, Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: but that's not the case. It's not Sam. He gonna
Speaker 1: uncle Sam too. And and this is important for people
Speaker 1: to know about uncle Sam as a rookie in two
Speaker 1: thousand and six, the base was two hundred seventy five k.
Speaker 1: People think you're going in the film and you automatically
Speaker 1: make ten million dollars. So I make two hundred seventy
Speaker 1: five thousand. You make that two hundred seventy five thousand
Speaker 1: in four months, which is a large amount of money.
Speaker 1: It's a large amount of checks. But you also get
Speaker 1: taxed at fifty percent, so that to seventy five immediately
Speaker 1: goes down to about a hundred and thirty seven thousand,
Speaker 1: hundred thirty seven thousand dollars. And of that money, I
Speaker 1: gotta pay my agent, plus I gotta live, So I
Speaker 1: have a hundred thirty seven thousand dollars. I gotta pay
Speaker 1: my agent. I have to pay. You know, I've already
Speaker 1: paid taxes, I bought property. So you don't walk away
Speaker 1: with millions the minute you play in the NFL. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So the reason why I wanted to tell that story
Speaker 1: was because there were moments during that time where I
Speaker 1: felt like I wasn't the man, you know, I felt
Speaker 1: like I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain
Speaker 1: because my wife had to go to work. You know
Speaker 1: um one thing I always wanted to pride myself on,
Speaker 1: even as a young man growing up, because I grew
Speaker 1: up with both my parents and both my parents having
Speaker 1: to work and me having to take on a lot
Speaker 1: of the parental role with my brother and sister because
Speaker 1: my parents were at work. I always said to myself,
Speaker 1: I don't want my wife to have to work. I
Speaker 1: don't want to have my children picking up my other
Speaker 1: children from work, I mean from school and then walking
Speaker 1: home because I'm at work and my wife's at work.
Speaker 1: So when I made it to the NFL, it was like, Wow,
Speaker 1: I have an opportunity to keep my keep. My wife
Speaker 1: kept although she wants to keep making money. And I
Speaker 1: wrote a post that said, the greatest thing about having
Speaker 1: a wife, UM that works hard is when she's kept
Speaker 1: but she keeps making money. I wanted it to be
Speaker 1: a choice, and I felt like in that moment, I
Speaker 1: took your choice away and you had to go work,
Speaker 1: so I felt like less of a man. But the
Speaker 1: reason why I wanted to tell a story was not
Speaker 1: only that part. It was because even though you went
Speaker 1: to work, you never made me feel like I was
Speaker 1: less of a man. So what it did was it
Speaker 1: helped me through that process. You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: There's so many times we hear of of women beating
Speaker 1: down men with their words. For example, I play Zach,
Speaker 1: a character or on the show Sisters, and my first
Speaker 1: girlfriend was was named Karen. Zach dealt with recidivism. He
Speaker 1: was in and out of prison, and he couldn't keep
Speaker 1: a job. And every time he tried to give Karen
Speaker 1: whatever little mint of money he had, she always made
Speaker 1: it sure to let him know that this is not enough,
Speaker 1: and she made him feel like less of a man.
Speaker 1: I can say right now that I married a black
Speaker 1: woman who never made me feel like less of a man,
Speaker 1: and I feel like that part of that was what
Speaker 1: made me get through that would helped me get through
Speaker 1: that point in my life, but also makes me want
Speaker 1: to ask you, why why were you so confident in
Speaker 1: me during those times? I mean, I've made it to
Speaker 1: the NFL, I had lost money in the stock market.
Speaker 1: We had to move from our our dream you know,
Speaker 1: twenties home when we and the was four bedrooms, five bathrooms,
Speaker 1: living room, dining room, back to my grandmother's apartment and
Speaker 1: Crown Heights. Your car got broken into the first night
Speaker 1: that we stayed there. That was just me not having
Speaker 1: no kind of awareness, Like I just wasn't reading I
Speaker 1: wasn't reading the room in that moment. I was reading
Speaker 1: the streets in that moment, because it's like, girl, like
Speaker 1: I grew up in the private houses where we pulled
Speaker 1: it our driveway and it's just like, well, shoot, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm used to leaving stuff in my car and my driveway. However, baby,
Speaker 1: it was not the case over and grinds back in
Speaker 1: two thousands, um. But so to answer your question or
Speaker 1: to even just to chime in on something that you
Speaker 1: said that you felt like in that moment you felt
Speaker 1: so almost emasculated because you felt like, man, I have
Speaker 1: like my wife has to go to work. I think
Speaker 1: the overarching topic for me here is the fact that
Speaker 1: I felt like I always had the choice or the
Speaker 1: option to be a provider in this relationship. Right, You've
Speaker 1: always said to me, Kennine, I want to make sure
Speaker 1: that you say, for example, when we have our children,
Speaker 1: you may or may not be able to go back
Speaker 1: to work for health reasons, right, or you may not
Speaker 1: want to go back to work because together we've decided
Speaker 1: that we wanted to make sure that there was a
Speaker 1: parent present with our children for the most part of
Speaker 1: their lives, right that someone was doing the pickups and
Speaker 1: the drop off from school, and you know, just being
Speaker 1: there and being present. So I never at any point
Speaker 1: felt like, Man, I'm doing this because Devol is just
Speaker 1: forcing me to do this. Per se, I felt like
Speaker 1: we have a partnership. I've always respected you as a partner,
Speaker 1: and you've never you've never gone back on your word.
Speaker 1: When I look at everything that you've done over the
Speaker 1: course of your life, from when I came in and
Speaker 1: was introduced to you, like at eighteen years old, seeing
Speaker 1: you pretty much walk onto Hofstra earn your scholarship, then
Speaker 1: it's like, shoot, you weren't drafted into the NFL, but
Speaker 1: then you were a free agent who made your way
Speaker 1: onto a teacher. Anything that was thrown your way that
Speaker 1: may have caused some sort of setback in our life
Speaker 1: was never anything under your control. It was usually something
Speaker 1: out of your control. So for the NFL, for example,
Speaker 1: the reason why you ended up retiring was because you
Speaker 1: felt like these people around me, these higher ups you know,
Speaker 1: in the office, look at me as a piece to
Speaker 1: their chess game. And if I don't fit within their
Speaker 1: their play at that time, then I'm disposable. So anything
Speaker 1: that ever happened that was a setback for us was
Speaker 1: never because of a lack of effort from you, lack
Speaker 1: of ability, lack of potential. It was just the circumstance
Speaker 1: that you might have been dealt with and you're dealing
Speaker 1: with in that moment. So I felt comfortable enough to
Speaker 1: pick up and say, you know what, I know, Deval's
Speaker 1: got my back either way. This is a partnership. We're
Speaker 1: doing this together. I've never been dependent solely on you
Speaker 1: to be the breadwinner or to take care of me.
Speaker 1: It was always if you were If I take care
Speaker 1: of you, you can take care of us. So I
Speaker 1: have a serious question, were there any was there any
Speaker 1: moment where you felt like, remember we spent three years
Speaker 1: in the NFL where you didn't you you could have
Speaker 1: slept all day and you'd have been Finn Yeah, spoiled
Speaker 1: you with gifts and whole bunch of things. When that
Speaker 1: had ended abruptly, was there any any doubt in your
Speaker 1: mind like, Okay, the ride is over, you know, like
Speaker 1: now it's time to for reality. We're never going to
Speaker 1: get back to you but actually hit me like a
Speaker 1: ton of bricks. I'll be completely honest. I was just like,
Speaker 1: wait a second, we're a second, so this is what
Speaker 1: we gotta do do now? Um, And when I look
Speaker 1: back on it now, I really think about in that
Speaker 1: moment when you decided to retire, it was twofold. For me.
Speaker 1: One part was like, oh, ship, this is over. And
Speaker 1: it was difficult, particularly because now we were existing in
Speaker 1: these spaces of friends, for example, who were still in
Speaker 1: the league, and you know, it was sometimes hard to
Speaker 1: watch that damn like they're able to do this easily,
Speaker 1: that easily, and here we are like really just living
Speaker 1: paycheck to pay check, struggling to make ends, still trying
Speaker 1: to help people in our family, because while you were
Speaker 1: in the NFL it was easy to help. But then
Speaker 1: once that disappeared, the people disappeared, the support disappeared, and
Speaker 1: then it was you and I in that apartment, you
Speaker 1: know at that point, planning a wedding and then pregnant.
Speaker 1: Those are the tough times when you have that loneliness
Speaker 1: where nobody else is around to celebrate you in support,
Speaker 1: but we have each other. So in those moments, I
Speaker 1: was like, damn, you know, not only was it an
Speaker 1: awakening that now we're going to have to really like
Speaker 1: start to rebuild, especially after losing all that money in
Speaker 1: the stock market and stuff, but I also feel like
Speaker 1: you never had a chance to really play your full potential.
Speaker 1: So that was another reason why I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: you're really going to retire and just quit. So a
Speaker 1: part of me felt like, damn, are you just really
Speaker 1: quitting at this point? Because I didn't seem like you.
Speaker 1: You were always someone who had a point to prove.
Speaker 1: So I felt like one of the things that work
Speaker 1: out in the NFL and and Canada was on the
Speaker 1: table and you could have potentially played ball in Canada.
Speaker 1: I was prepared to be a whole Canadian baby. I
Speaker 1: was about to say one year maternity leave. How did
Speaker 1: you say? Are you gonna go to work? As Canada
Speaker 1: they do. I do remember a moment when I told
Speaker 1: you I was retiring from football and he was like
Speaker 1: white right. It just was ridiculous to me. You're like
Speaker 1: like really, And I remember to look on your face
Speaker 1: was just like like you said you thought I was quitting,
Speaker 1: And those moments I did. I didn't feel emasculated. I
Speaker 1: felt disappointed in you. But also disappointed in myself. I
Speaker 1: felt disappointed in myself because I also had asked myself,
Speaker 1: am I quitting because they won't let me play when
Speaker 1: I want to play? Or do I really want to
Speaker 1: do something else? And that's that's the confusion, you know,
Speaker 1: when when a lot of people don't realize when you
Speaker 1: when you decided to go into entrepreneurship, a lot of
Speaker 1: times it's am I quitting this job because the job
Speaker 1: won't let me do what I want to do? Or
Speaker 1: do I really want to be my own boss? And
Speaker 1: you go through that mindset. It's like, am I acquitting
Speaker 1: if I quit my job and try do entrepreneurship? Or
Speaker 1: am I brave for taking the leap of faith and
Speaker 1: banking on myself? That's what I felt in the moment.
Speaker 1: And I was disappointed in you because up until that
Speaker 1: point we had always been super supportive of each other, right,
Speaker 1: and then when you questioned me, I was like, does
Speaker 1: she not believe in me? Yeah? But you never emasculated me,
Speaker 1: you know, like you never made me feel like, well,
Speaker 1: now that I gotta go to work, I'm going to
Speaker 1: be the man. I'm going to take the rein Because
Speaker 1: remember when you were going to work. I was. We
Speaker 1: had gotten married, and Codeine had worked for Mac for
Speaker 1: I think two and a half years, and I was
Speaker 1: building the business for about two and a half years.
Speaker 1: But you know what you did that was also very
Speaker 1: integral in that time, which made me feel like I
Speaker 1: could never emasculate this man. When I came home from work,
Speaker 1: if I needed a foot rub, if I needed a BackRub,
Speaker 1: if I needed a bathrand like you made it a
Speaker 1: point to make sure that when I came home that
Speaker 1: I was in a space of comfort. And I think
Speaker 1: any person, man or woman should feel that, you know,
Speaker 1: if you at home, like you know, one person at
Speaker 1: home and the other is not. It made me just
Speaker 1: feel like wow, Like my man may not be out
Speaker 1: there in the workforce in this moment, but he's building something.
Speaker 1: He's taking care of our son, and when I come home,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm in my space of peace where
Speaker 1: he's taking care of me. And that in itself, as
Speaker 1: a woman, is enough to make me feel like, wow,
Speaker 1: you know, he really really cares, even though in this
Speaker 1: moment the odds may be stacked against him because he's
Speaker 1: approaching something new, But I could see that there was
Speaker 1: a passion in your eye for elite prototype and you're
Speaker 1: gonna build that. Do you know how hard that is
Speaker 1: for women to have a man say listen, I'm an entrepreneur.
Speaker 1: I'm leaving this job. I want to build something else.
Speaker 1: You go out and work, and I got you. I
Speaker 1: hear horror stories, absolutely, and we know people personally who
Speaker 1: husbands have been building careers for a long time and
Speaker 1: it never got nowhere. You know, the babe. To be honest,
Speaker 1: I am my grandfather and my father, I am the
Speaker 1: third iteration of them, Charles and Troy. Yes, Charles, Charles
Speaker 1: and Troy, and my brother is the fourth in very
Speaker 1: true hard working man's. It was worked hard. And I
Speaker 1: remember being a stay at home dad and watching Stephen A.
Speaker 1: Smith at times and me and Jackson sitting there and
Speaker 1: I would put Jackson in his car seat because that's
Speaker 1: what we like to do and un rock him. But
Speaker 1: I'd seriously be at home, not just watching TV. I'd
Speaker 1: be thinking and designing ways for us to not be
Speaker 1: in that situation. And to be honest, that's what kept
Speaker 1: me from feeling depressed was having a vision and a purpose,
Speaker 1: you know, because sometimes you get depressed because I have
Speaker 1: also gone through depression, and I wouldn't say a clinically
Speaker 1: depressed person, but I'm going through those moments of depression.
Speaker 1: I just don't know what's next. That's a human thing.
Speaker 1: I don't know how to get there, get through next,
Speaker 1: but get to what the next chapter is. But I
Speaker 1: never felt like I was less of a man. And
Speaker 1: I never felt like I was with a woman who
Speaker 1: was more masculine because at the time she was working
Speaker 1: and she was and I wasn't. So did you not
Speaker 1: feel less of a man because I didn't make you
Speaker 1: feel that way? Or is it because you just always knew,
Speaker 1: like I have a plan, it's gonna work because I'm
Speaker 1: gonna work for it, so there's no reason for me
Speaker 1: to all honesty, I felt like less of a man
Speaker 1: at times when I was at home and I knew
Speaker 1: you were at work and I was watching the baby,
Speaker 1: and you know the fact that you had to get
Speaker 1: up and go to like go out to work, and
Speaker 1: I was watching Jackson. I felt like less of a man.
Speaker 1: What helped me get through that was you not making
Speaker 1: me feel like less of a man, even though I
Speaker 1: came home and rubbed your feet and did all those
Speaker 1: things you still came home and when didn't needed to
Speaker 1: be made, you made dinner. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: When I actually can I get the sandwich, you still
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. You still made like you
Speaker 1: never said all days, so you make your sandwiches. It
Speaker 1: was never in my face. It was it was never
Speaker 1: thrown in my face. And you and I have never
Speaker 1: I can't say never because it was appointment where we
Speaker 1: did both subscribe to gender roles like traditional, but in
Speaker 1: those moments where we needed each other, we always knew
Speaker 1: what the other one needed, so we didn't subscribe to
Speaker 1: those gender roles to a point where it was so toxic.
Speaker 1: You know, we we were of service to each other,
Speaker 1: we weren't of service to our genders. And that's that's
Speaker 1: a good one. Um. I think in those moments, being
Speaker 1: of service to you and not being of service to
Speaker 1: my gender is what made me not feel emasculated because
Speaker 1: I wasn't concerned about my manhood. I was concerned about
Speaker 1: my wife. But think about how much you and I
Speaker 1: are examples or products rather of the examples that we've seen.
Speaker 1: For example, with me, right, I remember spending a lot
Speaker 1: of time with my grandmother my mom's mom right um
Speaker 1: coming home from school taken to be sick. She lived
Speaker 1: right off a conplient at the time, so I would
Speaker 1: get off make stops there, and she used to work
Speaker 1: nights at a hospital. And even though she would work nights,
Speaker 1: sometimes when I would pop in midday and she's taking
Speaker 1: her nap, there's food on the stove. My grandfather would
Speaker 1: be at work during the day, she would make sure
Speaker 1: that dinner was made for him. She would set aside
Speaker 1: his pirates dish to make sure he had his food,
Speaker 1: and everybody else can eat after that. But she just
Speaker 1: made sure regardless of what it was she was out
Speaker 1: there working. He was out there working. Anyone who works
Speaker 1: the night shift knows that that is a treacherous shift
Speaker 1: to work. But she made sure that he was taken
Speaker 1: care of right. And it wasn't a circumstance where he
Speaker 1: didn't have a job in the moment where she didn't.
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying that to say the example that
Speaker 1: I had seen was always that regardless of you're working
Speaker 1: or not, as a woman, you still want to make
Speaker 1: sure that your man is taken care of. I'm glad
Speaker 1: you said that, because there's historical context that people don't
Speaker 1: talk about within the Black community that I think needs
Speaker 1: to be addressed. You know, how we talk about how
Speaker 1: the workforce has changed, and we're gonna get to some
Speaker 1: stats in a minute, how the workforce has changed, and
Speaker 1: the more women work, the more the dynamic and the
Speaker 1: power dynamic between men and women have changed in this country.
Speaker 1: Here's the truth. There has never been a point in
Speaker 1: American history where the majority of black men were working
Speaker 1: and Black women were staying at home moms. Black women
Speaker 1: always stad to work, and this went back to right
Speaker 1: after Reconstruction, when black colds happened, when the vagrancy happened,
Speaker 1: and Black communities were starting to thrive. Black women were
Speaker 1: always thrown into the workforce because that's how we built
Speaker 1: our communities, right. They were always socio economically too. Incomes
Speaker 1: and the black community were needed in order to make
Speaker 1: the black household run. But that never changed. And this
Speaker 1: is what my grandfather told me. That never changed, the
Speaker 1: power dynamic or chivalry. My my grandfather said, I worked
Speaker 1: and your grandmother worked. I never actually grandmother about her money.
Speaker 1: I got my check, my I gave my check to
Speaker 1: your grandmother. She gave me what I could use for
Speaker 1: myself and she used the rest for the house. So
Speaker 1: even though my grandfather was the breadwinner, he never said
Speaker 1: I make the money, I do what I want, and
Speaker 1: I gave you the rest. He gave it to my grandmother,
Speaker 1: and my grandmother allocated all the funds and then gave
Speaker 1: my grandfather this is what over. You can do what
Speaker 1: you want to do with it. And my grandmother always
Speaker 1: cooked for my grandfather even though she worked, So it
Speaker 1: was never a thing where it was like, oh, the
Speaker 1: woman cooks and clean because she doesn't work, and the
Speaker 1: man is chivalrous and he's in charge because he makes
Speaker 1: all the money. In the black household, both people always
Speaker 1: worked and both people were always of service to each other.
Speaker 1: So this idea that the power dynamic in the black
Speaker 1: community has changed because women started working, it's false. That
Speaker 1: was never the case. It might be the case for
Speaker 1: prominent white communities or or white people who have come
Speaker 1: through generational wealth, but in the if you look at
Speaker 1: the show, that help was always but they were married
Speaker 1: and their husband's work, And I feel like that historical
Speaker 1: context has been uh dismissed and also missed in this
Speaker 1: conversation we're having because we're often talking about our black
Speaker 1: women becoming more masculine because they're making more money, as
Speaker 1: if black women didn't always have to make money to
Speaker 1: make the household. You know what it is for me,
Speaker 1: it comes in elimination of team right, because that's ultimately
Speaker 1: what For example, your grandparents were my grandparents. There was
Speaker 1: a team effort, a team spirit, and even though things
Speaker 1: are not the same as they were when our grandparents
Speaker 1: were growing up and raising children, that team element, if
Speaker 1: it's missing, if it's not like a you know, you
Speaker 1: have it now. I never had to worry about finances
Speaker 1: because it was a thing where if you didn't have
Speaker 1: it at that moment, I did, and vice versa. So
Speaker 1: when you eliminate that dynamic, and then you start to
Speaker 1: pit each other against each other and it's just like man,
Speaker 1: like you ain't doing this, you ain't doing that. Or
Speaker 1: there's the independent woman movement where it's just like I
Speaker 1: don't need no man for nothing. Then you have the
Speaker 1: other women that are just like man, I'm about to
Speaker 1: have three or four or five kids, um and and
Speaker 1: and take homeboy for a child support or like you know,
Speaker 1: there's so many different narratives now that are being and
Speaker 1: I'm just like, first of all, who the hell raised y'all?
Speaker 1: The second of all, we're wondering why there's so much,
Speaker 1: so much strife within the black families and the black
Speaker 1: communities now, and it's because I think the team elements
Speaker 1: and that mutual respect for each other and what they
Speaker 1: bring to the table. It's a lot of harping on
Speaker 1: weaknesses and not strengths in this moment. It becomes a
Speaker 1: for me at least now, it's a who's better equipped
Speaker 1: in this moment to deal with something. So it may
Speaker 1: require that hey, KKM, mate didn't tonight, But you know what, Devot,
Speaker 1: he's gonna get on the grill and he's gonna make
Speaker 1: sure everybody you know or shoot. You know, we're down
Speaker 1: to the last pair of draws around the household here.
Speaker 1: Devlot might have to throw a load in with Jackson,
Speaker 1: you know, because that has to be done. Ship the
Speaker 1: car is about to be on, Ekadin, go get some
Speaker 1: gas in the car. You know. It becomes and that's
Speaker 1: when it goes back to team. It goes back to
Speaker 1: team and how we better going to thrive and reach
Speaker 1: these goals together? All right, let's jump into some facts
Speaker 1: and staffs that Trivil has compiled for us, which are
Speaker 1: kind of really interesting. When we looked at them, we
Speaker 1: were like, let's unpack some of this now. Masculinity is
Speaker 1: seen to be the trait that emphasized, which emphasizes ambition,
Speaker 1: acquisition of wealth, and differentiation of gender roles. Femininity is
Speaker 1: considered to be caring and nurturing behaviors, creativity, sexuality, and
Speaker 1: more fluid gender roles. In short, masculinity is more of
Speaker 1: a fixed, rigid perspective while femininity is more flexible. I
Speaker 1: would have to say that that's still the same. And
Speaker 1: this is what trips me out about today's kids. Right.
Speaker 1: Women will say that they want men to be men
Speaker 1: rigid when it's convenient for them. If we're going out
Speaker 1: on the date, pay for my then pull out my chick.
Speaker 1: Be a gentleman. If someone comes in here to fight me,
Speaker 1: you gotta fight them, right. But then at the same time,
Speaker 1: it's just like they want to be able to be fluid,
Speaker 1: right as far as a woman should be able to
Speaker 1: earn when they want to earn, take care of yourselves
Speaker 1: when they want to refuse, to refuse chivalry if they
Speaker 1: don't want chivalry. But it's always on a man to
Speaker 1: be rigid because men have to be men and and
Speaker 1: to me, I think that's where the problem starts. Right,
Speaker 1: if fluidity is going to happen, if it should be
Speaker 1: fluidity through both genders, right, you have to allow a
Speaker 1: man to be able to show his and inside, be
Speaker 1: more vulnerable, be able to speak his feelings and say
Speaker 1: what he wants. But that's not accepted for men. And
Speaker 1: I think that we don't discuss that enough. We're always
Speaker 1: getting on men about being toxic, but don't realize that
Speaker 1: we still have a rigid idea of what masculinity looks like.
Speaker 1: So I think that we need to address that first
Speaker 1: before we move on and say, how are we going
Speaker 1: to address each other? You know, why is it so rigid?
Speaker 1: Why does masculinity have to be so rigid while femininely
Speaker 1: gets to bounce from? And I mean it's a difficult
Speaker 1: space to be into, particularly thinking if you're dating, right,
Speaker 1: you're meeting someone for the first time. You don't necessarily
Speaker 1: come to the table knowing what people's perspective is on
Speaker 1: what these roles look like, right, quote unquote roles. For example,
Speaker 1: this wasn't even somebody that you were dating, but you
Speaker 1: were out. Remember you told the story one time about
Speaker 1: opening the door for someone, and she was so offended
Speaker 1: by the fact that you opened the door for She
Speaker 1: literally said to me, I don't have time for your
Speaker 1: microaggressions right now. Now. The funny thing is I was
Speaker 1: opening the door for everyone because I was the first
Speaker 1: to the to the door, so I was going to
Speaker 1: open the door and hold it for everyone to go.
Speaker 1: She was right behind me, so when I opened the door,
Speaker 1: I guess she got offended because she felt like I
Speaker 1: was saying that I'm opening the door because I'm a
Speaker 1: man and you need the door held open for you.
Speaker 1: This is what she explained to me after, and I said, well,
Speaker 1: I'm just holding the door for everyone who's behind me
Speaker 1: because I'm being polite exactly what I'm saying. But but
Speaker 1: these these are the things that when you you try
Speaker 1: to be of service to your gender as opposed to
Speaker 1: being of service to the person you're with. The getting
Speaker 1: away absolutely absolutely. I just took the boys to the
Speaker 1: movies the other day. All three of us went to
Speaker 1: the movies while you were gone, and I got to
Speaker 1: the movie theater door and I just stood there and
Speaker 1: they all looked at me for a second because we
Speaker 1: hadn't been out a date in a minute, because you know,
Speaker 1: last year was crazy. But I looked around Jackson, yeah exactly,
Speaker 1: and then he was like oh, and he grabbed the door,
Speaker 1: and then Cayro grabbed the second because it was two doors.
Speaker 1: But that's something that we're going to continue to teach
Speaker 1: our sons. I don't think it's something that you know
Speaker 1: it's dead at this point now, because we're still going
Speaker 1: to be continued. We're raising four men, like we want
Speaker 1: to make sure that they know what she is. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: and I think it's a choice, like like, unless your
Speaker 1: masculinity harm someone, then your masculinity is not toxic. If
Speaker 1: my masculinity to means means I'm going to be a
Speaker 1: gentleman and I'm going to be chivalrous to whichever woman.
Speaker 1: If it's my wife, my mom, my sister, my friend,
Speaker 1: my my friend's friend, that's the masculinity I choose, as
Speaker 1: long as it's not harming someone. What I'm tired of
Speaker 1: is masculinity being attacked for being toxic when you're really
Speaker 1: just trying to be a man, and then when you're
Speaker 1: not a man. For example, when a man goes on
Speaker 1: a date and looks and says are we split? And
Speaker 1: then the woman says, oh, I thought you was going
Speaker 1: to be a man. It's like, wait a minute, when
Speaker 1: is my masculinity not toxic? Is it only when you
Speaker 1: don't want it? Or like you know, that's what I'm
Speaker 1: getting tired of, Like I'm I'm I'm over that. Listen.
Speaker 1: I for one, I'm very comfortable. And I don't know
Speaker 1: if it's something that you've empowered me to do or be,
Speaker 1: or if it's something that I've always had in me.
Speaker 1: But I am very comfortable and secure and falling into
Speaker 1: my femininity and letting you be the man because I
Speaker 1: don't want to be the man. I don't want to
Speaker 1: be the man. I don't want to be rigid. I
Speaker 1: want to like I have ebbs and flows, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, as a human and not and and
Speaker 1: as a woman, And I want to choose sometimes when
Speaker 1: and if I want to employ you know that more
Speaker 1: more to quote masculine side or feminine side? Right? Where
Speaker 1: is it required in what circumstance and what arena? That's
Speaker 1: a that's a good question. So it becomes a thing
Speaker 1: where do I need to be more assertive in a
Speaker 1: workspace environment, for example. But then when I come home,
Speaker 1: I know, like, okay, I could just fall into this
Speaker 1: femininity because my man is here to be that for me.
Speaker 1: I enjoy that, like that's something that I crave. And
Speaker 1: when you're not around because you say, baby working or something,
Speaker 1: and I have to take on the role of, like
Speaker 1: you know, being the leader in the household, sometimes that's overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: I'm like, ship I don't want to do is come
Speaker 1: home so I can just go back to being me.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you said that out loud because I was
Speaker 1: having a debate with who are my male friends who
Speaker 1: are dating and they're not they're not married, and it
Speaker 1: was just like, yeah, I'm tired of the whole boss
Speaker 1: bitch movement. And I was just like, what you mean,
Speaker 1: And it was like the whole boss bitch movement, Like
Speaker 1: all these these bitches talking I'm a boss and my
Speaker 1: boss and my boss like they don't listen. And I
Speaker 1: was just like, well, part of that is because you
Speaker 1: probably don't make her feel comfortable being vulnerable in your presence.
Speaker 1: She's still trying to be a boss in your presence
Speaker 1: because and I tell them all the time, I said,
Speaker 1: my wife has employees. I don't want to say employees,
Speaker 1: but she has people that she works with. UM, we
Speaker 1: call them teammates because we all in this, in this
Speaker 1: group that we have here, we don't employ anybody. We
Speaker 1: all partners. But she's a boss when it comes to that.
Speaker 1: When she needs things to get done, she gets it done.
Speaker 1: When she wants things done in the time. If it
Speaker 1: requires her to be rigid and to get a little
Speaker 1: bit loud or to assert her authority, she doesn't mind
Speaker 1: doing that. But she feels comfortable knowing that she doesn't
Speaker 1: have to do that at home. So it's like I
Speaker 1: had to explain to them, like, don't don't get upset
Speaker 1: when you watch a woman display her quote unquote masculinity
Speaker 1: in the workplace and feel like I can never deal
Speaker 1: with that. If you make her feel comfortable at home,
Speaker 1: she doesn't have to do that at home. Is a fact,
Speaker 1: and I think that's the point that a lot of
Speaker 1: men in this situation are missing. And I don't want to.
Speaker 1: I don't want to because these points, these facts are
Speaker 1: very important, but real quick pigback on that. It's like, sir,
Speaker 1: what are you doing within your life or your professional
Speaker 1: you know, career stamp. What are you doing and bringing
Speaker 1: to the table that someone should value you as a
Speaker 1: man and see you as a man. Are you like,
Speaker 1: are you working? You know, do you have a work
Speaker 1: because you were talking about but they both worked, they
Speaker 1: both make over six figures, both doing all right, but
Speaker 1: in their mind they've never they've never been married. So
Speaker 1: in their minds, if they see a woman who makes
Speaker 1: six figures or has a job of a high authority figure,
Speaker 1: they're like, I could never deal with that because she
Speaker 1: bring that home. And I was trying to explain to them, like,
Speaker 1: just because a woman is like that at the workplace
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they're going to be like that at
Speaker 1: home if you create an environment for them to feel
Speaker 1: comfortable being from absolutely, and women have to be open
Speaker 1: and receptive to saying, you know what, I can leave
Speaker 1: that boss has at the door because when I get home,
Speaker 1: I'm not bossing around my man because I don't need to,
Speaker 1: nor do I want to. I'm okay with falling back
Speaker 1: at home because that's the space that he's created for me.
Speaker 1: And this this maybe misogynistic, but I honestly feel like
Speaker 1: even the bosses of boss women at some point, I
Speaker 1: want to just be taken care of, care of. And
Speaker 1: that don't mean that they want all the bills paid.
Speaker 1: That don't mean that they want all the But at
Speaker 1: some point, it's like, give you the boss all the time,
Speaker 1: because I'm the boss all the time. I'm the boss,
Speaker 1: I run, I run all of our companies, I handle
Speaker 1: all of our finances. Each should I come home, I'm
Speaker 1: the boss. Even me as a man. Sometimes it's just
Speaker 1: like I want to put my brain down and I
Speaker 1: just want to be taken care of. I want my
Speaker 1: wife to say, hey baby, you need this, Hey baby.
Speaker 1: So I could imagine a woman, especially if she's had kids,
Speaker 1: if she's got a lot going on, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, And sometimes you just want to lay back
Speaker 1: and be like, my husband got it, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, And that maybe massages. I don't know what
Speaker 1: this day and age, because seems like people get offended
Speaker 1: by everything. But I honestly feel like most women, at
Speaker 1: some point in the day it's ready for their husband
Speaker 1: or the significant other to say take it, to take
Speaker 1: the wheel. I feel comfortable with you take it. I
Speaker 1: don't just tell me what you want me to do,
Speaker 1: so I can relax my head from that, even if
Speaker 1: they're the CEO of the largest fivendre fortunate fund company. Nope,
Speaker 1: I got you, for sure. But let's let's get into
Speaker 1: some of these staffs. We got some more here. So
Speaker 1: in the nineties sixties, close to percent of men ages
Speaker 1: to forty four we're working or looking for work. Since then,
Speaker 1: there's been a steady decline. In October the number was
Speaker 1: at eighty eight point five. Ye for sure. In nineteen
Speaker 1: seventy nine, only nine, I'm sorry, only of women earned
Speaker 1: more than the average man. Now of women earn more
Speaker 1: than the average Many of us households have a female
Speaker 1: breadwinner quadruple the number if the sixties. That's it's just
Speaker 1: like whoa. But then also to that that that m
Speaker 1: speaks to more opportunities, right, because initially you talked about
Speaker 1: the help right, those were mostly domestic roles that when
Speaker 1: we're taken on, there were nanny's, they were you know, cooked,
Speaker 1: they were help um. But then there it was a
Speaker 1: shift of women now entering the workforce in the corporate level,
Speaker 1: so that naturally was going to spark an increase for sure,
Speaker 1: according to a survey. Bumble, this is important commissioned with
Speaker 1: you Gov. Se of adults surveyed agreed that when it
Speaker 1: comes romantic relationships and dating, different behaviors are expected based
Speaker 1: on your gender identity and are even accepted in dating.
Speaker 1: So this is important right now, they said a surveying bumble,
Speaker 1: I don't know who's on bumble. We don't know what
Speaker 1: part of the population is app okay, and it's also
Speaker 1: like a shampoo or something. What's crazy, I think bumbling
Speaker 1: bumble is. What's crazy to me is that on these
Speaker 1: dating apps, se of those people, which is the vast
Speaker 1: majority of people, believe that each person should fall in
Speaker 1: line with a gender specific identity, right, which means men
Speaker 1: are required to do certain things and women are required
Speaker 1: to do certain things which are traditional gender norms. Right.
Speaker 1: So this is when we get into the conversation of
Speaker 1: our men changing or are women changing, because we've talked
Speaker 1: a lot about women changing over time, but we have
Speaker 1: to also knowledge that men are changing as well. For example,
Speaker 1: there are a lot more men right, probably not in
Speaker 1: this who are saying, yo, shorty, if you invite me
Speaker 1: out to go somewhere, you're gonna pay because you claim
Speaker 1: to be AMA, you claim to be an independent woman.
Speaker 1: You invited me out, How are you going to invite
Speaker 1: me to a dinner of your choice and expect me
Speaker 1: to pay? A lot more men are falling in line
Speaker 1: with that belief, mainly because they're in the workforce and
Speaker 1: then being like, wait a minute, she made more money
Speaker 1: than me too, Why I gotta go to But I
Speaker 1: gotta pay to go to Shade Shade. Josephine's with this state?
Speaker 1: Who show? Come on y'all Josephine five four. But I
Speaker 1: honestly feel like as the world has changed, women are
Speaker 1: the only ones changing. Men have become a lot more
Speaker 1: I don't want to say accepted. They have accepted more
Speaker 1: qualities that were once expected of a woman. You know
Speaker 1: what do you mean? Like household stuff or domestic stuff?
Speaker 1: Just what I'm talking to my boys who are still
Speaker 1: in the workforce, talking to my younger generation Generation Z,
Speaker 1: the younger millennials, and a lot more of these dudes
Speaker 1: is saying, Yo, they work too. They make mad bread
Speaker 1: like they're making money. You invite me out, you're gonna pay.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. If you want me to
Speaker 1: go somewhere, you can pay for maba. If we're gonna
Speaker 1: move in together, you can pay half. In the past,
Speaker 1: it was if we move in together, I got you.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, And a lot of them
Speaker 1: are saying the reason why they're behaving that way is
Speaker 1: because a lot of them get scolded for trying to
Speaker 1: be chivalrous, a lot like I was scolded. And I
Speaker 1: think it may be a younger generational thing. It might
Speaker 1: be because I'm thinking about the women who I know
Speaker 1: who are within maybe my age range take a couple years,
Speaker 1: who would probably be highly offended if they were to say, hey,
Speaker 1: let's go somewhere, let's do something, and then the guy
Speaker 1: expect for them to pay generation you know. So it's like,
Speaker 1: how are we now speaking to the younger generations, Like
Speaker 1: like thinking about our boys, Like I'm trying to think
Speaker 1: about what and how we're going to help them navigate
Speaker 1: what it's going to look like to be on the
Speaker 1: dating scene. Like I don't know what the next generation.
Speaker 1: I mean, based on what we can see so far,
Speaker 1: it's scary out there. I'm not even sure what to
Speaker 1: say to them when it comes to dating well the
Speaker 1: world when the world has changed, and I think it's
Speaker 1: a little bit of insecurity on men, I do because
Speaker 1: the world is changing. When you start to lose grip
Speaker 1: of that power, right in that power where you can
Speaker 1: make a woman do something, or you can expect a
Speaker 1: woman to do something to be just because she's a woman, right,
Speaker 1: it breeds in insecurity because that that typical thing that
Speaker 1: you you do and it would get a certain response
Speaker 1: is no longer there. You know, you flash a little
Speaker 1: money to a chick and they become enamored, no longer
Speaker 1: works anymore because chicks is getting money, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying that that is definitely a fact. But there's
Speaker 1: also two sides. If you meet a man who's getting money,
Speaker 1: he may be interested in you, not because you're getting money.
Speaker 1: So as a woman, if you're leading with I'm getting money,
Speaker 1: I got degrees, I don't need no nigga, that's a
Speaker 1: turn off. So yes, it is a little bit of
Speaker 1: insecurity from men. But it is also a very masculine
Speaker 1: thing for a woman to do, to lead with how
Speaker 1: much money she makes and how many degrees she has,
Speaker 1: because what if that man was not interested in in
Speaker 1: that at all. That's very true, you know, and if
Speaker 1: you think about the world back in the day, that's
Speaker 1: what men's go to was, I can provide this for you.
Speaker 1: But you see also too, I think the detriment in
Speaker 1: always equating masculinity, femininity the money is that if you put,
Speaker 1: for example, two people together in a relationship that are
Speaker 1: both you know, a breadwinner pedigree, right, go getters. You know,
Speaker 1: they're working hard, they're always working. They're the boss boss
Speaker 1: man and boss woman, you know, But then what does
Speaker 1: that look like in their relationship? Does it become a
Speaker 1: competitive environment where it's like, okay, who's making more money?
Speaker 1: When someone wants to be able to just sit back
Speaker 1: and say, man, like I just need a breather, you know,
Speaker 1: does the other person just take up or is it
Speaker 1: going to be a constant debate because it's like, man, now,
Speaker 1: if I want someone to just be there, to just
Speaker 1: be my man or be my woman, but they're so
Speaker 1: wrapped up in work, then it doesn't you know, they're
Speaker 1: not gonna jel in that moment. Or if you have
Speaker 1: two people who lack ambition and don't really have the
Speaker 1: breadwinter mentality, then it's just like how does that even work? Too? Well,
Speaker 1: here's the truth. No, one, you don't have to pick
Speaker 1: one style, and that's what I think people need to realize, right, Like,
Speaker 1: this isn't in everything, This isn't even just what men
Speaker 1: and women. This is men dating men, women dating women.
Speaker 1: Your idea of what gender roles look like and what
Speaker 1: people look like in the workforce in relations, and that
Speaker 1: own isn't real, right Like, there's no one's real play.
Speaker 1: It's not. It's just not like you have to find
Speaker 1: what works for you individually, and they have a person
Speaker 1: you will. For example, you know how many men probably
Speaker 1: could never deal with you in your mouth, you know,
Speaker 1: and it's well, I mean this benefits to my mouth.
Speaker 1: They could definitely would love to deal with your mouth.
Speaker 1: They would definitely love to deal with your mother. But
Speaker 1: you nasty. But no, what I'm saying is is that
Speaker 1: there are certain men who are just like I don't
Speaker 1: want a woman that talks back. I want a woman
Speaker 1: that just says yes and do what I say, and
Speaker 1: that's it. They don't want a woman that has a brain.
Speaker 1: They want to like, there's certain men who that's in
Speaker 1: their mind, that's what they want. They want someone that
Speaker 1: they can control the same way there are certain women
Speaker 1: who don't want to have to think and just want
Speaker 1: to be controlled right, of those two people can work
Speaker 1: well together. Right. There are also some men who are like,
Speaker 1: I really enjoy of just being a dad and caring
Speaker 1: for people and nurturing people. And my sole purpose in
Speaker 1: life is not to conquer the world. My sole purpose
Speaker 1: in life is to nurture the children that I bring
Speaker 1: into the world. Right. And then you meet a woman
Speaker 1: who was like, I want to conquer the world, but
Speaker 1: I don't mind having kids. So she has the kids,
Speaker 1: and she gives him the kids, and he nurtures and
Speaker 1: take care of the home. Right. Other people will look
Speaker 1: at them and be like, oh, he's so emasculated, that
Speaker 1: nigga living in his purpose, and so was she. You
Speaker 1: know what, You literally made me think of a couple
Speaker 1: tab and Chance tab and shout out to Chance. The
Speaker 1: chance look emasculated to you at at all? People have
Speaker 1: so much to say when she says she retired her husband,
Speaker 1: and yes you did, sit and congratulations to both of y'all.
Speaker 1: It works for y'all. I don't even think about that. Literally,
Speaker 1: when you said that, and you talked about a man working,
Speaker 1: like wanting to be a stay at home dad and work,
Speaker 1: and not that Chance does. But he wants to focus
Speaker 1: on his family. He's probably taking care of tab, he's
Speaker 1: um with their son's basketball team. He's doing the things
Speaker 1: that makes him feel like, man, I have purpose. But
Speaker 1: also too, they've been together for a very long time,
Speaker 1: and when Tad was trying to you know, make it
Speaker 1: work and trying to make into acted working as super driver,
Speaker 1: he was doing a job that he didn't want to
Speaker 1: do because he knew he had to write. So shout
Speaker 1: out to them for staying the course and for people
Speaker 1: who were in the comments making noise about her retiring
Speaker 1: her husband. Eight business, that's their business. They focused now
Speaker 1: very good, very good, very good, but also too well, Hey,
Speaker 1: that's people minding your business for you. And then and
Speaker 1: be that works for them and then three ABC three
Speaker 1: whatever I forget I and D E P. I have
Speaker 1: to practice that a couple of times. I'm like in
Speaker 1: the car would glow really it sound good until you
Speaker 1: have to say about yourself and carry a U session.
Speaker 1: But I'm just so happy that they were able to
Speaker 1: Now she can say, you know what, Hubby, You've done,
Speaker 1: what you've been doing for so many years. I'm in
Speaker 1: a position where you can now do the things that
Speaker 1: you've wanted to do because I got it for now
Speaker 1: and so many, so many, so much of what they
Speaker 1: do is still joint. So you know, shout out to question. Actually,
Speaker 1: Trouble has a question Trouble. But I'm gonna ask you,
Speaker 1: do you believe that a woman because we're coming off
Speaker 1: of speaking about taving chance and how there relationship and
Speaker 1: it's not even just about finances, Like you can tell
Speaker 1: that they love each other, yes, like you like, you
Speaker 1: can tell you know when people like, but you can
Speaker 1: also tell at what points in life who had to
Speaker 1: take leads? Do you honestly believe that a woman's strength
Speaker 1: diminishes a man's ability to lead? A woman's strength diminishes
Speaker 1: a man's ability. For example, when I said there are
Speaker 1: certain men who wouldn't be able to deal with your mouth.
Speaker 1: The fact that you've got your master's degree, the fact
Speaker 1: that you have ambition, the fact that you have your
Speaker 1: own ideas and thoughts about the way you want to
Speaker 1: do things. Do you think that that diminishes a man's ability.
Speaker 1: I really, I really think it's a case by case
Speaker 1: basis because, like I said, when it comes to you
Speaker 1: and I, which is really all I can speak on,
Speaker 1: I've never in any moment felt like the val was
Speaker 1: just here sitting on his ass waiting for me to
Speaker 1: do everything, and that he was trying to take advantage
Speaker 1: of me or this situation because he did not want to.
Speaker 1: There was always a drive, there was always ambition, There
Speaker 1: was always that work, There was always that grit that
Speaker 1: you had to want to do more so me being
Speaker 1: strong finished, you said I had the ambition. Do you
Speaker 1: think ambition is a masculine trait or it's just it's
Speaker 1: just a trait that can be accepted by anyone Because
Speaker 1: you said you believed in me because as a man,
Speaker 1: I was ambitious. That spoke to my manhood. Do you
Speaker 1: do you feel that or do you just feel like
Speaker 1: ambition can just be gender fluid. I'm not thinking just
Speaker 1: ambition could be gender fluid, but particularly in a man
Speaker 1: woman relationship, right because we think it also about saying
Speaker 1: sex couples, right, So who maybe taking the lead in
Speaker 1: that moment. I think it's just an attractive thing for
Speaker 1: a person or a human being to have some sort
Speaker 1: of drive, some sort of ambition, some sort of purpose
Speaker 1: when it comes to life, because when you then apply
Speaker 1: that to something, it becomes potentially a moneymaker. Right, So
Speaker 1: in that moment, you can be like, all right, baby,
Speaker 1: if this is something that you really want to do,
Speaker 1: I may be strong as a woman, but I'm okay
Speaker 1: with you taking the lead in this moment. I'm okay
Speaker 1: with that. So no, I don't think a woman's strength
Speaker 1: should diminish a man's ability to lead. But I also
Speaker 1: feel like a woman should empower or a partner should
Speaker 1: empower the other to say, you know what, I know
Speaker 1: that you've got this, and I'm gonna help support you
Speaker 1: when you get there. I'm gonna keep it going. I
Speaker 1: want to hear your perspective. Do you think men have
Speaker 1: a responsibility to change their perspective as the world tilts
Speaker 1: more towards flexible gender norms, So specifically, specifically men, men
Speaker 1: have the responsibility to change as opposed to women changing
Speaker 1: their ideas about Do you think men have more responsibility? Um?
Speaker 1: I do think so. I feel like as time progresses,
Speaker 1: as things change, as the requirements change within a household dynamic.
Speaker 1: Now you may just have a couple who's married. You
Speaker 1: may have a couple who have children, who have multiple children,
Speaker 1: who have other you know, um strains in their their
Speaker 1: day to day life. I think it definitely requires a
Speaker 1: man to say, you know what I may have to
Speaker 1: This is not something traditionally that I may have had
Speaker 1: to do or I thought i'd have to do, but
Speaker 1: it's required of me in this moment, in this time,
Speaker 1: for the betterment of everyone, or the betterment of my
Speaker 1: spouse or my partner. So I'm going to go ahead
Speaker 1: and make this change. I think flexibility is necessary. And like,
Speaker 1: for example, we exist in the patriarchy, right, men have
Speaker 1: had the control for thousands of years, So of course
Speaker 1: men are going to have to change their perspective as
Speaker 1: gender norms change. Absolutely, here's my issue with that. I
Speaker 1: don't mind changing, but what bothers me is only changing
Speaker 1: when it's convenient for you. When does When does that
Speaker 1: become problematic? When when a man is trying to change,
Speaker 1: So you say I want to be treated as an equal,
Speaker 1: so he's trying to treat you as equal. But then,
Speaker 1: but but not that part like, no, you're still gonna
Speaker 1: pay for everything. You're still gonna pay for the more
Speaker 1: picking and choosing that you don't like. Yes, So so
Speaker 1: here's another question. How are women navigating the fact that
Speaker 1: they want men to change while still saying a man
Speaker 1: needs to be a man. How can women navigate that
Speaker 1: as well? Because we're constantly talking about how well, I mean,
Speaker 1: we all put in the fault on women a lot
Speaker 1: when we say, you know, the reason why relationships ain't
Speaker 1: work because women is being too massive, Like we say
Speaker 1: that all the time. Now we're saying men have the
Speaker 1: responsibility to change. So I'm agreeing with you because we
Speaker 1: exist in the patriarchy. In order for ideas to change,
Speaker 1: in social norms to change, men are going to have
Speaker 1: to be the ones to say, you know what, guys,
Speaker 1: this is fucked up the way we throught all these years.
Speaker 1: Let's change. But how are we going to navigate as
Speaker 1: a team of men women to say, hey, ladies, we
Speaker 1: do want the women to change, but we can't just
Speaker 1: be flaky when we want the patriarchy to exist in
Speaker 1: our faith, men are going to be receptive to changing,
Speaker 1: then women to also, like you said, can't be wishy
Speaker 1: washy about the change. That's fair. It's fair because you
Speaker 1: cannot pick and choose in that moment. However, too, then
Speaker 1: it's also being very generalized, right, so it depends on
Speaker 1: the person generals that yeah, yeah, it can't be women
Speaker 1: all men at this point. Wh people who listen to
Speaker 1: podcast understand that we never speak in generalizations. But when
Speaker 1: you say men and women, we are talking about men
Speaker 1: and women absolutely, and we're speaking from our our experience
Speaker 1: or what we've seen or what we've been privy too.
Speaker 1: But no, you can't pick and choose when it's going
Speaker 1: to be to your benefit or your detriment per se. Right,
Speaker 1: But you know what alleviates that most of the time
Speaker 1: is having conversation with the person that you're in the
Speaker 1: relationship with and not necessarily listening to the social media
Speaker 1: loud minority about what can or cannot be accepted within
Speaker 1: a relationship number one mistake. And if you're new to
Speaker 1: the podcast, also know that too. You cannot like we like.
Speaker 1: We're on social media and this is how y'all contact
Speaker 1: us and see us and has access to us. However,
Speaker 1: it don't really be a real place. The real places
Speaker 1: is here in this space between he and I, so
Speaker 1: between you and your partner, whatever that looks like for y'all,
Speaker 1: I gotta make sense. The dating space is a whole
Speaker 1: another beast chap. Like I said, I'm happy I'm not
Speaker 1: in that space because baby, I think we should take
Speaker 1: a break now because we still have listening letters. But
Speaker 1: I do appreciate hearing your perspective because I feel like
Speaker 1: a lot of the onus has been put on women
Speaker 1: for they say, the dismantling of the family unit, because
Speaker 1: women have been crying for freedom, for acceptance, for inclusivity.
Speaker 1: So all the things that you're crying for is the
Speaker 1: reason why family is changing. And I do believe that
Speaker 1: men have to hold a responsibility to help in that change,
Speaker 1: the same way we constantly as white people to help
Speaker 1: in the change of racism. We have to help change
Speaker 1: the sexism and the way the patriarchy has oppressed women
Speaker 1: for for a time. But we also have to say
Speaker 1: women have a responsibility to not be flaky when it
Speaker 1: comes to what changes you want. You understand what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: especially in the dating space, because a lot of young
Speaker 1: men and young women I speak to, I get confused
Speaker 1: listening to them because they don't know what they want.
Speaker 1: It depends on the day, right and and we'll get
Speaker 1: to this to the moment of truth. Though. The main
Speaker 1: point is when you figure out what's good for you,
Speaker 1: all other ship you to learn in your life don't
Speaker 1: even matter. I'll learn that ship for real. Keep what
Speaker 1: you want to keep. So look, we're gonna take a
Speaker 1: quick break. We're gonna get into these listening letters, and
Speaker 1: we'll come back after some mats. Sounds good, So, guys,
Speaker 1: we're back for the first listener letters of Let's dive in.
Speaker 1: I'm no one going to say this is Case's favorite
Speaker 1: topic one of the wine. Can see your favorite. I
Speaker 1: knew that was gonna happen, and because it's mine, and
Speaker 1: because I'm believing in the advancement of men and women
Speaker 1: to go first, Well, go ahead, then, gentlemen. First, I
Speaker 1: like that. I support you for me. Hey, you, guys,
Speaker 1: I watched your Breakfast Club interview where you talked about
Speaker 1: your decision devout to have a vasectomy. Damn, I didn't
Speaker 1: talk about then on the Breakfast Club? Did I know?
Speaker 1: I didn't. Did we did we mention that it was
Speaker 1: a possibility. We didn't mention it was a possible. What happened? Yes,
Speaker 1: it did. Four years ago, my husband told me that
Speaker 1: he would get one because like cadeem, my body reacts
Speaker 1: horribly to birth control. The morning of my schedule C section,
Speaker 1: he decided to change his mind. As a result, I
Speaker 1: went forward with getting my filopian two is removed. Wow.
Speaker 1: Since having that surgery, my body has been through so
Speaker 1: many negative impacts. I find myself hating my husband for
Speaker 1: not caring or considering enough about me to keep his word.
Speaker 1: The surgery has pushed me into pre menopause at thirty seven,
Speaker 1: which affects my libido and body just as much as
Speaker 1: the birth control. When I don't want to have sex,
Speaker 1: he becomes frustrated. I have expressed my feelings in about that,
Speaker 1: about what, why, how, et cetera, But I feel he
Speaker 1: has chosen not to accept accountability. That's what it sounds
Speaker 1: like to me. His response is always, you didn't have
Speaker 1: to Well, okay, we're gonna get to that in a minute.
Speaker 1: Where my response is, so what happens when I become
Speaker 1: pregnant again? My body can't handle another high risk pregnancy,
Speaker 1: which is what Cannina and I went through. So what
Speaker 1: he responds? He could We could have crossed that bridge
Speaker 1: when we reached it. I feel very disregarded, and I
Speaker 1: know I still hold the grudge. If he would even
Speaker 1: offer since there apology for letting me down, it would
Speaker 1: help me heal. But he still doesn't see his wrong
Speaker 1: married twelve years together fifteen. This is the only question
Speaker 1: I have. Did she decide to have her velopians two
Speaker 1: tied without him knowing, like going to get her schedule
Speaker 1: to C section and say, hey, God, while you're in
Speaker 1: there to take this out. If she did go and
Speaker 1: do that without discussing it with him, that's not really
Speaker 1: on him. But if she said while I'm in there,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go do it, and he said, go ahead
Speaker 1: and do it because I'm not getting the first actor me,
Speaker 1: that's fucked up. I seriously think that's funked up. And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you why that's fucked up, right. I
Speaker 1: watched Day for the past twenty years. First start with
Speaker 1: birth control, um several different kinds, several different kinds. And
Speaker 1: we're gonna discuss on another episode. Why could had to
Speaker 1: get on birth control is actually in the book on
Speaker 1: Way Over Me. But I watched the deal with birth
Speaker 1: control for twenty years. I watched her go through four
Speaker 1: pregnancies full term. I watched the deal with uh lacerated servis,
Speaker 1: almost had to get a blood transfusion, had to get
Speaker 1: emergency surgery to home births one fast, rapid quick run
Speaker 1: to the hospital birth and finally postpartum preclampsh. I watched
Speaker 1: these things. I also watched her have issues with the
Speaker 1: copper in the latest birth control that we tried. And
Speaker 1: here is a fun fact that a lot of people
Speaker 1: don't know. Kadina and I were actually going to try
Speaker 1: for a fifth child. We were going to try for
Speaker 1: a fifth and hopefully the girl. But the doctor said
Speaker 1: that would be an extremely high risk because of the
Speaker 1: postpartum preclaim sh and more than likely she would have
Speaker 1: full preclam ship while pregnant, which will put her in
Speaker 1: extremely high risk. And we decided together that that was
Speaker 1: not going to happen. After the Copper had started giving
Speaker 1: her issues because of birth control, I said, enough is enough.
Speaker 1: I'm getting a vasect. To me, I feel like it's
Speaker 1: extremely selfish for a man, and it's just my personal beliefs.
Speaker 1: Extremely selfish for a man to ask a woman to
Speaker 1: be on birth control for fifteen twenty years, have children
Speaker 1: go through near death experiences, and then when it's time
Speaker 1: for you to get a ten minute procedure, say now
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it. That to me just seems wild selfish.
Speaker 1: You could say to me that I'm hating I'm not
Speaker 1: holding up for the men. I just think that's wild
Speaker 1: fucking corny, bro, because they are women out here who
Speaker 1: have lost their lives. There are men out here who
Speaker 1: have lost their wives, and they all say, if I
Speaker 1: could have done that again so my wife could be here,
Speaker 1: I would have done it. That's what I was thinking
Speaker 1: about when I got the vasect to me, and I
Speaker 1: think it's wild corny. I'm not trying to judge your husband,
Speaker 1: but I think he's wild corny for that. And I
Speaker 1: think that y'all too need to have an open, honest discussion.
Speaker 1: Don't hold the grudge, tell him exactly how you feel
Speaker 1: and how much an apology would mean to you, and
Speaker 1: that's the only way you're going to move forward, because
Speaker 1: I do honestly feel like y'all can move forward from this. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And it's funny, I learned something new here. I didn't
Speaker 1: even realize that having the fallopian tubes removed. I know,
Speaker 1: like if you have a full on his direct to me,
Speaker 1: like you get rid of like the actual uterus, that
Speaker 1: it can push you into premnopause and things like that.
Speaker 1: But I didn't even know that just removing the Philippian
Speaker 1: tubes alone would cause now some more hormonal changes or
Speaker 1: hormonal imbalances. So I really do hope that you guys
Speaker 1: can have a really open, honest conversation and that he
Speaker 1: can um just open up to the idea of where
Speaker 1: he may have dropped the ball in this and and
Speaker 1: have some sort of account of there's no may, there's
Speaker 1: no may he dropped. Because here's the three You're right.
Speaker 1: How you say I'm gonna get a sectomy. Nah, I'm
Speaker 1: not getting a sect me. She takes out her fallopian
Speaker 1: tubes right because you don't want to get a sectomy. Now,
Speaker 1: her libido was off, she's not in the mood, and
Speaker 1: now you're with her because of something you could have controlled. Gentlemen,
Speaker 1: I'm telling you right now, I had of a sect
Speaker 1: in me. We've been having sex non stop and codeine
Speaker 1: hasn't been on the crazy birth control, so her libido
Speaker 1: has been up, and it's been and you know when
Speaker 1: I tell you, nothing has changed, my nut ain't watery.
Speaker 1: That was the biggest concern. The consistency want to be
Speaker 1: the same exactly because I want you to be grossed
Speaker 1: out with a change of consistency. But the consistency is
Speaker 1: the same. Concy on a thousand percent. And here's here's
Speaker 1: the best part. Codeine has been and so much of
Speaker 1: service to me because I've done this for her. She says,
Speaker 1: you did this for me. I say, I did this
Speaker 1: for us. I had to step my game up. She
Speaker 1: has been in the gym every single day and it's
Speaker 1: probably in the best shape she's been in since we
Speaker 1: got married. It's amazing. What just your body in its
Speaker 1: natural state, with no additives, no hormonal alteration, no control,
Speaker 1: like my body in its natural state with none of
Speaker 1: those impositions, is really making me feel like I have
Speaker 1: a new lease on life. It just freedom. It just
Speaker 1: dawned on me that my body has your your body
Speaker 1: has gotten back to where it was before we got married,
Speaker 1: but you've gotten almost as small as you were when
Speaker 1: we first met. That couldn't part be because of the hormones. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: It never dawned at me until absolutely, Like just a
Speaker 1: couple of weeks, I'm like, yo, you're losing weight NonStop.
Speaker 1: But I'm like, this is the first time in your
Speaker 1: life since two thousand and three where you haven't been
Speaker 1: pregnant or on birth control or postpartum or prenatal or
Speaker 1: any of the things, which is amazing because our doctor,
Speaker 1: my doctor did tell my. My midwife told me that
Speaker 1: listen for your hormones. To just go back to baseline
Speaker 1: after having a baby takes nine to twelve months. So
Speaker 1: even trying to get back after a child and putting
Speaker 1: that pressure on the snap back within that first year
Speaker 1: is almost impossible because depending on the woman, it's gonna
Speaker 1: take some time. It takes time, but then it also
Speaker 1: takes work because then you can't just rely on that
Speaker 1: being the excuse. However, for me, I felt like, now
Speaker 1: that I've read my body of the i U D,
Speaker 1: I am now taking the medications are no longer a thing.
Speaker 1: Blood pressure is not an issue for me anymore because
Speaker 1: I'm very conscious about what I'm putting in my body.
Speaker 1: I'm taking my supplements, y'all see if you follow me
Speaker 1: on Instagram my stories, there's certain things that I swear by,
Speaker 1: my my probiotic, probiotic, you know, all of my different
Speaker 1: drinks and things that I do, my fast thing. I
Speaker 1: do certain things now because I feel like I had
Speaker 1: this new control over my body because this is Cadine
Speaker 1: and what her natural state, this is what she's supposed
Speaker 1: to be without a baby without being pregnant. Anything I
Speaker 1: get my cycle, it comes and goes, and I can
Speaker 1: be a better service to develop because my body is
Speaker 1: naturally My body is just naturally become what it's supposed
Speaker 1: to be for him. And it's been great. You know.
Speaker 1: It literally just dawned on me sitting here. Why all
Speaker 1: this stuff has changed? Why even your moved to work out,
Speaker 1: getting convened to work out consistently has always been a
Speaker 1: struggle to struggle for me. Now I'll be away and
Speaker 1: she'll send me videos, just finish my workout, She'll take
Speaker 1: off ways she puts on and just showing me her
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, yo, this is the woman that
Speaker 1: I first met when we were nineteen. But I'm realizing
Speaker 1: now nineteen you weren't on birth control like mood energy.
Speaker 1: Oh it's crazy, guys. Yeah, if you've already had children,
Speaker 1: you don't having children. Getting of executive was probably the
Speaker 1: best thing for me. Also, it didn't alter you either.
Speaker 1: It didn't Ultimately, you don't have you as you know,
Speaker 1: I want to get it on. Yeah, you've always been.
Speaker 1: It didn't change, Albeto. My concern was my libido and
Speaker 1: my two stopsterone and that hasn't happened because of everything
Speaker 1: she's been. I'm getting back to the best shape together.
Speaker 1: Our sex life has been better, and it's just it's
Speaker 1: it's also just because we've been focused on each other
Speaker 1: and not the fear of getting pregnant. Real talk to
Speaker 1: Field to give me stress changes your changes your love life.
Speaker 1: It does, it does, all right. I hope you ill
Speaker 1: can figure it out this but yeah, he needs to
Speaker 1: come up off that apology for real, alright. Uh. Second one, So,
Speaker 1: throughout my relationship with my wife, even when we were
Speaker 1: boyfriend and girlfriend, I've always had a problem with how
Speaker 1: she handles men that want to shoot their shot with her.
Speaker 1: I understand that I cannot control what a man says
Speaker 1: to my wife. She's gorgeous, five pounds with a fat ass,
Speaker 1: two exclamation points, all right. My problem is that when
Speaker 1: men make passes at her, she doesn't say, hey, I'm married,
Speaker 1: stop talking to me like that. I've expressed that I
Speaker 1: feel disrespected when a man says sexual things to my
Speaker 1: wife and she doesn't correct it. She says she ignores it.
Speaker 1: Am I wrong that I want her to just stop?
Speaker 1: I told her that if they send you hard eyes,
Speaker 1: that's cool. Can't stop that. But when they say things
Speaker 1: that are inappropriate, then she should step in and say, hey, stop,
Speaker 1: I'm married, et cetera. If you If they continue to
Speaker 1: do it, then I advised her to block them. She says,
Speaker 1: I'm controlling her. I just want to know my wrong. Well,
Speaker 1: this seems like it's happening through either like a d
Speaker 1: M comments. This is like a social media thing here,
Speaker 1: because I know, for example, with me, if a man
Speaker 1: tries to make a pass in me or shoot their shot,
Speaker 1: it's one of those things where I know, for example,
Speaker 1: if the vow was in that moment there with me,
Speaker 1: or if he was overseeing it, DEVO would probably be like, well,
Speaker 1: I would expect this man to want to shoot his
Speaker 1: shot because he may not know in that moment that
Speaker 1: she's married. I may or may not have my ring
Speaker 1: on because I just came from the gym, or I
Speaker 1: might be by myself somewhere. So it's like, you know
Speaker 1: enough to know that if you were a man that
Speaker 1: wasn't married to me, you might want to shoot your shot.
Speaker 1: And that's not me being at all vain or feeling
Speaker 1: like but I'll just saying and I expect the same
Speaker 1: with you like if if you're the public, you don't
Speaker 1: kind of fatast, I get it. I don't shoot you
Speaker 1: shot at me. I don't got a fall. But if
Speaker 1: a woman came up to you and approach and was
Speaker 1: just like hey, Like even if someone who doesn't even
Speaker 1: know you, as like Zac on Sistance, it could just
Speaker 1: be a woman that just comes across and says, man,
Speaker 1: that's a good looking man, let me shoot my shot.
Speaker 1: I can't be mad at her. I do feel like
Speaker 1: do control the situation. Though, So for me, when a
Speaker 1: man approaches me and shoots his shot, I'll usually make
Speaker 1: a funny comment like I forgot what it was. I remember.
Speaker 1: I know them your favorite, your go to, your go to.
Speaker 1: Whenever a man said, you know, can we spend some
Speaker 1: time together, you always say sure, I'll just go get
Speaker 1: my husband and my four sons. And usually they'll they'll
Speaker 1: be like what you have first of all, to be
Speaker 1: like you got four kids and four boys? Damn, that's dope.
Speaker 1: He's a lucky guy. And I'm like, yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm the lucky one, you know, And it will be
Speaker 1: that kind of casual conversation. I don't think it requires
Speaker 1: me to be mean or to be nasty, because I've
Speaker 1: also heard of instances where women get an adverse reaction
Speaker 1: from a man and they are borderline disrespectful if you
Speaker 1: try to, you know, reject them. Growing up in New York,
Speaker 1: I've seen it plenty of times. If it were me
Speaker 1: and I'm not around, if it's an imperson thing, I
Speaker 1: would tell my wife to ignore them or kindly accept
Speaker 1: the compliment and keep it moving, because even ignoring a
Speaker 1: certain type of man can lead them to be enraged
Speaker 1: and try to shoo physical harm or do something. Would
Speaker 1: never want my wife to engage in that type of
Speaker 1: back and forth with a man, So for me, I
Speaker 1: always tell first of all, I don't get insecure about
Speaker 1: that if if you truly have a hold on your wife,
Speaker 1: that she is your wife, and y'all love each other
Speaker 1: infinitely and of a service to each other. There's nothing
Speaker 1: a man can say that's gonna get your wife to
Speaker 1: not be your wife. So let him say whatever he
Speaker 1: want to say, like someone can say whatever you want
Speaker 1: to say. If you touch my wife's you're dying. But
Speaker 1: I think his issue here is more so her not
Speaker 1: than saying, well, not get into the reason why I
Speaker 1: don't want you to go you know, hey, I'm married,
Speaker 1: because you don't know what's going to trigger because men
Speaker 1: out here nuts people. And there was a woman in
Speaker 1: the airport the other day who walked out on her
Speaker 1: bill and they addressed her, said, hey, you didn't pay
Speaker 1: a bill, and she got the fire holes and started
Speaker 1: shooting the fire holes. And everybody remember, because you don't
Speaker 1: know what's gonna set somebody off. Right, we just got
Speaker 1: out of a pandemic. Mental health is real. I'd rather
Speaker 1: you be kind to everyone you come across and and
Speaker 1: leave them, leave them with a little bit more happiness
Speaker 1: than they had just being in your presence. It's also sorry,
Speaker 1: but but having to say, you know, I'm married like
Speaker 1: that to me is like shows a little bit of insecurity. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so you don't got to do that. But also too,
Speaker 1: if if, for example, the man replies with the hard
Speaker 1: eyes or whatever and then makes another comment or makes
Speaker 1: another you know, um advanced at her with something like
Speaker 1: social media, you can just leave him on scene, Like
Speaker 1: what I'm saying doesn't require back and forth. She may
Speaker 1: just like to feel like, well, sh it, okay, you know,
Speaker 1: I still got it. You know, she might like the
Speaker 1: attention in the sense. He didn't say that. She responds
Speaker 1: with anything she says. He says, she doesn't shut it down, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that to me is like non bro. If she's not
Speaker 1: responding and she's not saying like, thank you so much,
Speaker 1: I believe if she's not having an ongoing back and
Speaker 1: forth with these people, then it's like, all right, bro,
Speaker 1: like insecure much like it a little bit. She's ignoring it.
Speaker 1: They said, hard eyes. She didn't say nothing. They said
Speaker 1: something I would like to do so, and so she
Speaker 1: didn't say nothing. Let them think that it's the computer
Speaker 1: that person can be in Istanbold, you're worried about the
Speaker 1: dude leaving comments on your your girl's page on East
Speaker 1: and eastand bo, no, get out of here, go be
Speaker 1: a creeman, go jack off to somebody else. But I'm
Speaker 1: not going to ask my wife to engage those people.
Speaker 1: That's a fact. That's too much energy to worst people
Speaker 1: that don't matter. You to see what our dams look like,
Speaker 1: they're kind of crazy. It should be kind of crazy
Speaker 1: every now and again when I looked through, I'll be like,
Speaker 1: whoa you know? And people know we're married, so yeah,
Speaker 1: it should be crazy and they don't care and something
Speaker 1: will just be trying. And I get it. Some married
Speaker 1: couples are into that, So that's a fact. You don't
Speaker 1: know which married couple is not. Sometimes you shoot your
Speaker 1: shot what I'm saying, and if you might ignore lucky, yeah,
Speaker 1: you back up. And if they responding, hey, what's up?
Speaker 1: You find something you can't be mad at. That was
Speaker 1: not an invitation for y'all to email Triple Triple. Make
Speaker 1: sure you look through these emails and pictures please of Genitalia.
Speaker 1: We are not in that that type of environment. I
Speaker 1: do not want to share my wife more power if
Speaker 1: y'all want to. My wife does not want to share. Literally,
Speaker 1: I watched too many dateline secrets on cover episodes. Listen,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you all the ins and outs. All right, y'all,
Speaker 1: If you want to be featured as one of our
Speaker 1: listening letters, be sure to email us at dead as
Speaker 1: said advice at gmail dot com. We want to hear
Speaker 1: from y'all. It's a new year. Thanks for coming back,
Speaker 1: and keep the questions coming in and keep the stories
Speaker 1: coming in. Yes, email us at D E A D
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: All right, now, time for a moment of truth, as
Speaker 1: did you not say as D E A D A
Speaker 1: S S A D V I C E at gmail
Speaker 1: dot what did you spell dead advice? Listen, no, no, no, baby,
Speaker 1: the advice is never more alive. Okay, I'm out of hibernation, y'all.
Speaker 1: I told y'all I was out of commission for a
Speaker 1: little bit, a bit was tired. But we're back, all right, y'all.
Speaker 1: Moment at truth time, we're talking about is he too masculine,
Speaker 1: she too sorry, she too masks healing? Or is he insecure?
Speaker 1: Maybe what you want to leave them with for that moment.
Speaker 1: It's very very simple, right, Because we exist in a
Speaker 1: patriarchy and have existed in a patriarchy, I do agree
Speaker 1: and feel that men have to carry the ball on
Speaker 1: this one. Pause and say, you know what the world
Speaker 1: is changing and everything that is designed to be quote
Speaker 1: unquote masculine. For example, we talked about wealth building, generating revenue, ambition.
Speaker 1: It's extremely rigid, and the fact that a woman may
Speaker 1: have those same type of ambitions doesn't make her more masculine,
Speaker 1: which doesn't mean you're less of a man. We have
Speaker 1: to open our minds to realize that there are women
Speaker 1: out here who can earn just as much or maybe
Speaker 1: more than you, but still exist in her femininity in
Speaker 1: your presence if you leave your insecure mindset at home
Speaker 1: and continuously be masculine in her presence. That was off
Speaker 1: the top right now. Take all the moments of truth,
Speaker 1: several moments of truth, um, but I will say as
Speaker 1: my moment of truth, I think they're ultimately needs to
Speaker 1: be regardless of if it's a man, if it's a woman,
Speaker 1: if it's the same sex relationship, whatever it is, the
Speaker 1: mutual respect that a couple has for each other should
Speaker 1: really be the overarching topic when it comes to just
Speaker 1: that idea of who's going to take the lead in
Speaker 1: the relationship, whether it's the masculine role of the feminine role.
Speaker 1: I think it's important that you never let your husband
Speaker 1: or your your partner feel beat down in a moment
Speaker 1: where life might be lifing and they're having a moment
Speaker 1: of just depression or just or just a low like
Speaker 1: the ebbs and flows of life. Should require you to
Speaker 1: give that person some grace to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: in this moment, I am in a space to be
Speaker 1: able to take care of this because it's for the
Speaker 1: betterment of the greater good of the relationship. So whoever
Speaker 1: needs to be quote unquote man or woman in the relationship,
Speaker 1: or masculine or feminine that relationship, be receptive to leaning
Speaker 1: into what is needed of you. So you're then now
Speaker 1: using one of your strength rather than focusing on the
Speaker 1: other's weakness. Yeah. Absolutely, I I agree with you. As
Speaker 1: I want to add this, there's nothing more masculine than
Speaker 1: watching your wife go out and earn seven figures and
Speaker 1: come home and say yes, Daddy, Yes daddy. It's like
Speaker 1: that z I like them on with this ze. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna take that from zre Z for Zack Baby, I
Speaker 1: got zached. We're coming up on our second anniversary here,
Speaker 1: um at this house, and um definitely got the Zack
Speaker 1: attack baby. We got called to prove it all right,
Speaker 1: y'all be sure to follow us on social media if
Speaker 1: you are not already dead as the podcast, you can
Speaker 1: find me Cadine I am, and we're also on Patreons.
Speaker 1: We don't forget to sign up there, that's right, and
Speaker 1: I am devoted. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be
Speaker 1: sure to rate, review and subscribe. Also on our Patreon page,
Speaker 1: you can get full dead as episodes. That is a fact. Baby,
Speaker 1: I know y'all been asking for it. Y'all want to
Speaker 1: see video, y'all want to see expressions that we're gonna
Speaker 1: give it to y'all. That's a fact. To go ahead
Speaker 1: and sign up, now out, and we'll see'll soon. Dead
Speaker 1: as Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media
Speaker 1: podcast Network and is produced by the Noorapinia and Triple
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