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Speaker 1: Hey lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. The piece

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Speaker 2: that we often don't talk about is we can get closure,

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Speaker 2: but that closure from the relationship does not involve the

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Speaker 2: other person. Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective. If you have any moments or

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Speaker 2: appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a review

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Speaker 2: to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 2: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 2: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghearspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 2: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 2: women like you we're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, a

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Speaker 2: college professor and psychologist, and Terry Lomax, a techie and

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Speaker 2: motivational speaker. In a world where black women are often

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Speaker 2: misrepresented and misunderstood, please join us as we initiate authentic

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Speaker 2: conversations on everything from five roids to faith friends and

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Speaker 2: create a safe space where black women can just be Hey, lady,

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Speaker 2: it's Terry here from Cultivating Her. Are you tired of

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Speaker 2: working hard for your money? Do you want your business

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Speaker 2: to run smoothly when you're out of office? If you

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Speaker 2: want to learn how to automate your business cash flow

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Speaker 2: and increase your impact and influence, join me from our

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Speaker 2: free workshop at brandw Terry dot com. Again, that's brand

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Speaker 2: with Terry dot com. My name is spelled te double ri.

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Speaker 2: I hope to see you there, lady. All right.

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Speaker 1: Our quote of the day, I'm thankful for my struggle

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Speaker 1: because without it I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength.

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Speaker 1: And that quote comes to us from Alex L and Lady,

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Speaker 1: if you are on Instagram, then if you are not

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Speaker 1: following Alex L, then you definitely should because she constantly

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Speaker 1: posts inspirational quotes and I think that this quote is

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Speaker 1: just really hitting for the conversation that we're going to

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Speaker 1: have today. So Tea, when you hear this quote, what

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Speaker 1: comes up for you?

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Speaker 2: Oh? You know what? It just makes me think about

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Speaker 2: my life, but also the lives of so many people

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Speaker 2: that I know where there's another foot that says something

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Speaker 2: like you don't know how strong you are until being

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Speaker 2: strong is your only option, right, And it makes me

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Speaker 2: think about those instances where we go through something and

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Speaker 2: you look back and like, Yo, how do I get

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Speaker 2: through that? Do you know what I mean? Yes, hapen

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Speaker 2: to a friend recently and he just got a really

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Speaker 2: bad relationship and he's better and not better, and he

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Speaker 2: was just talking about how it was just so nice

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Speaker 2: and refreshing to hear his perspective because he was saying,

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Speaker 2: now you know, now that I'm out of that relationship.

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Speaker 2: It allowed me to develop skills, right, like more self esteem. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: being able to see like red flags and future relationships

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Speaker 2: and allowed me to see what I don't want. And

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Speaker 2: it also I wanted to come to Gros with who

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Speaker 2: he is and have the strength that this quote talks about.

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Speaker 2: So I love this quote. It definitely brings back memories

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Speaker 2: in my own life. So I'd love to know what

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Speaker 2: does it What does it say to you when you

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Speaker 2: hear this quote.

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Speaker 1: It says all of that that you just shared, right, Like,

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Speaker 1: to me, what it brings up is, I am.

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Speaker 2: Grateful for.

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Speaker 1: Whatever I've gone through, right even if in the moment

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Speaker 1: it was nerve wracking, fear inducing, whatever the emotions were

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Speaker 1: that came up right or maybe even right after, because

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Speaker 1: that's normal to have those feelings right like right after,

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Speaker 1: I'm like if that person, like I'm glad to be

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Speaker 1: done with that shit, Like.

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Speaker 2: That's that person. That's the true one, you know, I mean,

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Speaker 2: fuck that person, Fuck that dude like him? Right like

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Speaker 2: that that's the real that could come up. Right.

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Speaker 1: But I think that after some time has passed, because

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Speaker 1: I'm just gonna be real, Like initially afterwards, that's the thought,

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Speaker 1: right like fuck him, or like, I'm so grateful to

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Speaker 1: just be out of this relationship because of whatever was happening.

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Speaker 1: Right But then after a while, I can look back

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Speaker 1: and I can say I'm thankful that I had this

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Speaker 1: experience because it showed me things about myself that I

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Speaker 1: might not have otherwise dealt with.

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Speaker 2: Right that part.

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Speaker 1: It's so powerful when I think about toxic relationships and

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Speaker 1: I think about like our conversation today, I do want

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Speaker 1: to like remind us, you know, good friend of the

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Speaker 1: podcast a leasable key, she has the quote on Instagram

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Speaker 1: that I thought was so fitting for this conversation, right,

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Speaker 1: just a reminder that not every relationship that ends it's toxic.

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Speaker 1: Right right now, we seem to be in a phase

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Speaker 1: it seems to be trendy to use that word to

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Speaker 1: describe any relationship that we've just gotten out of. Right that, Oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm so happy to be out of that toxic relationship.

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Speaker 1: But I would encourage us to really like step back

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Speaker 1: and think about that relationship and ask yourself, was it

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Speaker 1: truly toxic or were we just not aligned? And that's

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Speaker 1: why the relationship needed to end?

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Speaker 2: Right? Because there's a lot of that. Yeah, that's a

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Speaker 2: really good point. The thing about it is sometimes when

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Speaker 2: these concepts or certain words become buzzwords, they're just overused

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Speaker 2: and it sort of dilutes the meaning of it. Like

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Speaker 2: we hear toxic, see so much, we hear you know,

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Speaker 2: just so many different words. I can't think of any Oh,

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Speaker 2: so I can't think of other words like narcissism. Yes,

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Speaker 2: let's do that one, right. Everyone's like, oh, these persons

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Speaker 2: are narcissist and he's like that really, like it might

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Speaker 2: just be an asshole, you know what I mean. So

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Speaker 2: I think this is overused, But Tom, can we dig

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Speaker 2: into something while we quickly you have to like find

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Speaker 2: yourself in the situation. I mean, you look back on

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Speaker 2: the years after and you're like, damn, I can't believe

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Speaker 2: I would do that while I put up with that,

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Speaker 2: or I had that perspective, If we just like take

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Speaker 2: a moment and kind of zoom in on perspective and

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Speaker 2: how it can just shift and change so much forson

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Speaker 2: life experience. Like I look back and I'm a very

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Speaker 2: confident person today compared especially compared to who I was before.

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Speaker 2: And of course, you know, I have rough days like

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Speaker 2: everyone else, and there are things I'm insecure about, but overall,

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Speaker 2: like I'm just I love myself and I'm a confident individual.

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Speaker 2: And I struggled so much with those esteem in the

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Speaker 2: past and self hate and a lot of other just negative,

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Speaker 2: self defeting thoughts and patterns, and I put up with

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Speaker 2: some bullshit in the past, and I think back to

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Speaker 2: the stuff I put up with and I'm like, Door,

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Speaker 2: I would never in a million years do that today,

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Speaker 2: And it just makes me think about how sometimes we

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Speaker 2: weren't in those situations. It really seems like, I don't know,

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Speaker 2: it's just so different, you know, like we think this

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Speaker 2: is this is what it is, like, this is this

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Speaker 2: is the relationship I'm in, this is all I can

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Speaker 2: maybe have, like this is all I'm worth, And just

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Speaker 2: I wonder what that gap is between that point in

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Speaker 2: time and then where we might evolve too, you know

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Speaker 2: what I mean? Can you relate to that? Does that

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Speaker 2: make sense? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I think you know, when you were saying that, I

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Speaker 1: thought about one of our real recent episode, season ten,

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Speaker 1: episode five, calling out or calling in a conversation about

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Speaker 1: cancel culture, and I think about, you know, at the

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Speaker 1: time that we're recording this episode, Chrissy Teakin has been

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Speaker 1: in the news a lot because of things that she

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Speaker 1: posted online in the past. Now I haven't gone in

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Speaker 1: and read all the articles and all of that.

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Speaker 2: Didn't have time to do all that.

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Speaker 1: But what you were saying reminds me of that, right that,

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Speaker 1: like how we are constantly evolving as people. And when

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Speaker 1: I say evolving as people, I mean on an individual level,

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Speaker 1: but also on a societal level, right, Because the thing

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Speaker 1: is is that some of the things that we did five, ten,

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Speaker 1: fifteen years ago, some of it was a product of

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Speaker 1: where we were individually, and so we naturally had some

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Speaker 1: growth and development, but some of it was also being

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Speaker 1: a product of viur environment and what was the culture

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Speaker 1: at the time, right, Like what was really part of

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Speaker 1: the environment at that time.

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Speaker 2: M hmm. That's a really good point. And I think

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Speaker 2: you're absolutely right, And yeah, I mean that's about all

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Speaker 2: I think about, even the music, right, And I don't know,

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Speaker 2: we already dove into this, but it's just it's crazy

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Speaker 2: when when you think that you could potentially be reduced

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Speaker 2: to a moment that you had years ago when things

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Speaker 2: were so different, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: I like that statement that you had right there, right

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Speaker 1: of like, how you can be reduced to a moment

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Speaker 1: that you had years ago? Yeah, And I think about

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Speaker 1: how that ties into like dating m hm. So I

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Speaker 1: think about how maybe a moment in time where I

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Speaker 1: did something to a partner that if someone looked back

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Speaker 1: and only looked at that experience, what they would say,

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Speaker 1: how they might judge is not reflective of who I

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Speaker 1: am todate, and so I think I also try to

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Speaker 1: think about that with dating as well, Right, that one

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Speaker 1: snapshot of what someone did one moment in time might

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Speaker 1: not be reflective of who they are in their totality,

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Speaker 1: right for sure. Like I think, if anything, it's like

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Speaker 1: it's information, So I might not automatically write someone off

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Speaker 1: and say, oh no, hell no, I ain't dating him

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Speaker 1: he told me this. Nah, until I hear the whole story,

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Speaker 1: until I get like full context.

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Speaker 2: Oh that makes purpose. I'm with you. It's definitely. I

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Speaker 2: feel We've said this so many times our previous episodes,

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Speaker 2: Like the human experience is so complex, right, It's just

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Speaker 2: very complex. So I know I'm going to dive into

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Speaker 2: signs of a toxic relationship. And also was a juicy

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Speaker 2: question of how did you start dating after a relationship ended?

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Speaker 2: And was there a strategy? That's a good one. So

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Speaker 2: should we dive into the signs first? Yes? And so

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Speaker 2: you know, I know that.

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Speaker 1: We've talked about in previous episodes about how do I

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Speaker 1: identify a narcissistic partner?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: So that's also in season ten, so season ten episode two,

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Speaker 1: Season ten, episode three, where we talk about narcissism, and

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Speaker 1: we bring on the narcissism expert, doctor Rominey, like I

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Speaker 1: just love her, like she dropped so many gems, and

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Speaker 1: so I think narcissism is definitely a sign of toxicity. Right,

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Speaker 1: Narcissism looks like gaslighting, isolation, dishonesty, And you can have

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Speaker 1: someone who is not narcissistic but also display some of

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Speaker 1: those signs as well. Right, So that ties into part

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Speaker 1: of unhealthy communication. So when someone is dishonest, the communication

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Speaker 1: that you all engage in is passive aggressive, or you

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Speaker 1: use silent treatment as a tactic. Your partner or you

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Speaker 1: is constantly criticizing one another, or when you all talk,

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Speaker 1: you're defensive, like you always feel the need to be defensive.

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Speaker 1: That signs of unhealthy communication, and unhealthy communication is toxic.

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Speaker 1: Jealousy is another one. A happy, healthy relationship, there's not

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Speaker 1: going to be you're not jealous of your partner, they're

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Speaker 1: not jealous of you. And then of course we want

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Speaker 1: to definitely point out abuse, whether it is sexual, physical, financial,

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Speaker 1: or emotional. Any form of abuse is definitely toxic.

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Speaker 2: You know, when we talk about these things, I'm always

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Speaker 2: there's always this thing back in my mind like, well,

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Speaker 2: this is not like absolute. And I guess the way

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Speaker 2: that I think about it is if you're unhappy more

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Speaker 2: times when you're happy, or things are going bad more

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Speaker 2: times than going good, then that's probably also a telltale sign,

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Speaker 2: because I feel like sometimes we have instances of might

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Speaker 2: be a little jealous, right maybe, like you know your boo,

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Speaker 2: we talked about this before. Don't judge me all because

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Speaker 2: this is just the first thing that comes to my mind.

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Speaker 2: But the dude is working with big Booty Judy and

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Speaker 2: you saw her at the holiday party, and maybe you're

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Speaker 2: just like, that's not big duties a is in right now.

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Speaker 2: So I'm just like it's a good example. But yeah,

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Speaker 2: you're just like, man, I'm feeling some kind of way.

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Speaker 2: You know, my partners with this you know, with this person,

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Speaker 2: they're hanging out out, whatever. You might have instances where

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Speaker 2: you might be a little jealous, or you might have

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Speaker 2: instances where you're like, you know what, I was being

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Speaker 2: petty and I gave my blue to silent treatment. Do

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Speaker 2: you think that that necessarily means that it's a toxic relationship.

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Speaker 2: That mayans a toxic moment.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yes that's a moment, but yes, yes, I appreciate

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Speaker 1: that clarification.

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Speaker 2: No, I would agree, because I feel we kind of

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Speaker 2: edge and flow sometimes out of different, you know, toxic

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Speaker 2: moments as we are all, you know, trying to become

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Speaker 2: our bestselves and do better. But I think that you

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Speaker 2: made a good point. There are certain relationships where this

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Speaker 2: is a common theme. This is the foundation of the relationship.

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Speaker 2: So down, let's dive up into the tea right now

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Speaker 2: and talk about dating after a relationship ended. Now, I

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Speaker 2: have not been in this game for a minute, so

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to think back to these experiences, and I

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Speaker 2: don't think I have the best advice, but I'd love

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Speaker 2: to talk about your experience first, and then I'll talk

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Speaker 2: about mine.

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Speaker 1: Yes, so I think about my twenty year old self, right,

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Speaker 1: And I know the phrase that I'm about to share

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Speaker 1: is one that a lot of folks can relate to.

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Speaker 1: The best way to get over one is to get

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Speaker 1: under another, right, and that talks about rebounding right that, like,

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Speaker 1: you are upset, devastated, whatever the feelings are about this

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Speaker 1: one relationship ending, And so the sentiment is that, well,

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Speaker 1: if you want to be happy again, go get somebody else, right,

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Speaker 1: And I do recall trying that in my twenties, right,

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Speaker 1: Like that was like a mond of like, Okay, well

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Speaker 1: this relationship is done or this situationship or whatever was happening,

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Speaker 1: This person is done on to the next one.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think.

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Speaker 1: For me and from other folks that I've talked to,

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Speaker 1: you know, through like clients, you know, in therapy.

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Speaker 2: It's problematic. It's so problematic, right, It's rare that your

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Speaker 2: rebound person becomes your lifelong person, right, rare, rare. Like

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Speaker 2: you know, we.

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Speaker 1: All trying out for the NBA. It's a hundred of

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Speaker 1: us trying out for the NBA, and we already know

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Speaker 1: that of the hundred of us trying out, only three

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Speaker 1: of us are actually gonna make it, right, right, So

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Speaker 1: the odds are.

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Speaker 2: Slim as hell, oh for sure.

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Speaker 1: And so for me, that's when I think about it

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Speaker 1: like that, from that perspective, I'm not a big gambling

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Speaker 1: person or huge risk taker, right, Like, I'm not that

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Speaker 1: person that is taking those big, big risks.

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Speaker 2: So my older evolved self.

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Speaker 1: Says, naw, we're not doing this rebound right, yeah, Because

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Speaker 1: if I'm rebounding, like my relationship ended on Friday, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm hopping back in that dating game on Monday,

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Speaker 1: like I'm hopping back on the apps, I'm going out,

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Speaker 1: like I'm you know, doing all the things. What I

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Speaker 1: know is that if I do that, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: end up repeating the same cycles.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, child, you know what that reminds me of? Dom.

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Speaker 2: Do you ever take a vacation and you kind of

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Speaker 2: have like a back to back vacation. Yes. So after

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Speaker 2: my honeymoon, I there was a speaking engagement and it

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Speaker 2: was like a speaking tour, and so literally right after

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Speaker 2: we came back from the honey when my husband drove

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Speaker 2: me to the air drove me home to pack myself,

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Speaker 2: and the next they were out back to go to

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Speaker 2: the Air Force like a fly out and do this

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Speaker 2: speaking tour. And I remember being excited about it, but

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Speaker 2: also it was one of those things where I was like, Yo,

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Speaker 2: this is a lot, and it was. It was kind

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Speaker 2: of like run in the moment. But when I look

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Speaker 2: back on it and I think about it, I didn't

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Speaker 2: even I bably had a chance to unpack my bag

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Speaker 2: and like take my luggage out, clean my home, get

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Speaker 2: grounded before I was off on this new journey, and

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Speaker 2: it was it didn't really give me a chance to

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Speaker 2: center myself, you know what I mean. I feel like

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Speaker 2: sometimes that's how we down relationships can be. It's like,

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Speaker 2: you know, sometimes we go on vacation and you're like,

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Speaker 2: I need to vacation from the vacation, but I don't

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Speaker 2: really have a chance to like be and to process

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Speaker 2: and to think about, you know, what happened in this relationship,

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Speaker 2: what I learned? How can I be better? Right? Like,

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Speaker 2: how am I showing up in relationships? All that stuff?

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Speaker 2: It gets like you said, it makes it easier for

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Speaker 2: you to repeat the cycles and the patterns. And I

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Speaker 2: don't know about you, but a life without self reflection

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Speaker 2: and introspection to me feels extremely I don't know, concerning

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Speaker 2: is the word it comes about in me, because I

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Speaker 2: just feel like I just be kind of tossed, you know,

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Speaker 2: to and fro with the wind. Yeah, just exactly just

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Speaker 2: literally foundering, like where am I going? What am I doing?

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Speaker 2: And yeah, I think it's okay to have fun, you know,

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Speaker 2: and if you're dating and just like, oh, this is

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Speaker 2: not the serious, but know that you're out there to

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Speaker 2: do that, you know what I mean. Don't find out

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Speaker 2: when you're like in the midst of all the situations

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Speaker 2: you're like, well, this person being called like I guess,

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Speaker 2: I guess. I'm just out here trying to figure it out.

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Speaker 2: You know. I don't know if that makes sense, but

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Speaker 2: that's what it makes it difficult.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it makes it makes perfect sense to me. That Like,

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Speaker 1: so it takes me back to our or season one

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Speaker 1: episode four, where we like talk about healing from a

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Speaker 1: toxic relationship. Right, so, oh my gosh, the lady, if

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Speaker 1: you haven't checked that out, please do so, Like that

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Speaker 1: is a really good episode, right and so, but I

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Speaker 1: think it's important, right, Like, so in that episode, we

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Speaker 1: talked about, like, you know, feeling the feelings, like whatever

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Speaker 1: the emotions come up, like, allow yourself to feel those feelings,

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Speaker 1: get to know yourself, which I think that's kind of

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Speaker 1: what you were like getting at, right, Like the combination

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Speaker 1: of getting to know yourself and feeling your emotions, right, yes,

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Speaker 1: and noting the lessons learned so.

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Speaker 2: That you don't hopefully you don't repeat them, right, and

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Speaker 2: then securing that support system you have your girls, like

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Speaker 2: who you know at least I do. Let me speak

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Speaker 2: to myself, I have those girls that I know, oh

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Speaker 2: that will hold.

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Speaker 1: Me accountable and if I'm messing up or I'm going

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Speaker 1: off script from what I said, you know, needed to happen,

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Speaker 1: They're gonna pull me back in, right in addition to

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Speaker 1: being the shoulder.

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Speaker 2: To cry on and things like that. Right yeah. But

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Speaker 2: then the other piece too, a piece that we often

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Speaker 2: don't talk about, is we can get closure, but that

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Speaker 2: closure from the relationship does not involve the other person.

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Speaker 2: That hard, right there, dom Okay, can we leave to

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Speaker 2: do that for a second, because I feel like oftentimes

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Speaker 2: I used to always think that you needed to have

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Speaker 2: a conversation with the other person. Needs got to talk

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Speaker 2: to them, you got it, you got it. We have

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Speaker 2: to come together and like talk this out. And no,

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Speaker 2: it doesn't always, it doesn't always in that way. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: we have to have closure yourself. Yes, that's it, that's

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Speaker 2: all like you, yourself and yourself. Yes, okay, yes, Like it.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't exactly, it doesn't have to involve the other person.

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Speaker 1: I mean, and sometimes it may involve the other person

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Speaker 1: in the sense that you write a letter to them,

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Speaker 1: right mm hmm, Yeah, but.

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Speaker 2: That letter doesn't get mailed, right.

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Speaker 1: You know, Like, so it's about it's really the closure

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Speaker 1: is really for you, yes, And Oftentimes I think in permission, yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: permission given, yes, Okay, if we spend our time waiting

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Speaker 1: for that other person so that we can have closure,

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Speaker 1: either we're gonna get sucked back into the relationship that

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Speaker 1: we know is unhealthy, or we're gonna be missing out

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Speaker 1: on opportunities to heal because we are focused on what

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Speaker 1: this other person person.

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Speaker 2: Is doing right that or even sometimes I think we

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Speaker 2: use the closure or the desire for closure or the

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Speaker 2: need for closure as procrastination, you know what I mean, Like, oh,

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Speaker 2: like you need this other person to acquiesce in order

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Speaker 2: for you to move on. No, you can really do

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Speaker 2: it by yourself. You don't need permission. And I think that,

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Speaker 2: as you said, oftentimes, it's like when you sometimes when

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Speaker 2: you make up your mind, you're like, Okay, I'm done

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Speaker 2: with this relationship. That's when they come call them back.

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Speaker 2: That's when they the flowers and the chocolates. All that's

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Speaker 2: how it works, okay, just like showing you all the attention,

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Speaker 2: doing all the things that you served you weren't them

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Speaker 2: to do. And so now that we're talking about some

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Speaker 2: of the flowery things about dating, let's talk about how

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Speaker 2: to get back into the dating game after toxic relationship.

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Speaker 1: Well, the first thing that I want to point out

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Speaker 1: is that we don't want to view it necessarily as

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Speaker 1: a game. Right, So when I think about that, when

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Speaker 1: I think about words and how we attach meaning to words, Okay, right,

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Speaker 1: if we look at it as a game, then it

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Speaker 1: becomes like this, this chasing this cat and mouse, right,

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Speaker 1: or it becomes like this like playing a sport.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: And while I might like sometimes when I'm explaining relationships

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Speaker 1: to folks, I might use like a basketball analogy, but

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Speaker 1: I've started to pull back from that because even though

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Speaker 1: I'm using that analogy in terms of understanding like if

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Speaker 1: you're dating multiple people, I've pulled back from that because

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Speaker 1: I don't want folks to be confused with how we

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Speaker 1: approach it as like.

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Speaker 2: A game, because that's not the case. Like, if you

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Speaker 2: want to have a healthy relationship, you're not approaching it from.

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Speaker 1: A game mentality. Mm hmmm, because a game mentality is

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Speaker 1: about I have to.

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Speaker 2: Win and I have to play, you know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: Not people play games and relationships do nobody want to

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Speaker 2: be playing the games? And you know what, I think,

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Speaker 2: you're right, Like it's all out perspective, like we talked

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Speaker 2: about earlier. If you see it like a game, it's

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Speaker 2: going to be a game there. If somebody's playing games,

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Speaker 2: you could just be like, all right, you see, this

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Speaker 2: is not this is not what I found up for,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean. But when it comes to

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Speaker 2: we've talked about manifestation in a few other episodes, and

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Speaker 2: so I think that that first tip that we have

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Speaker 2: around knowing your goal in the relationship is really key.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes your goal is just to have some fun. Okay.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes you're like, you know what, I just want to

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Speaker 2: have some fun. You might want to, let's be real.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes she's like, you know what, I just want have

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Speaker 2: some fun. That's going to be this person to be

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Speaker 2: a little nasty and that's it. You have to have

432
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,560
Speaker 2: some adult fun and boom and that's cool. But just

433
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,639
Speaker 2: know what you do. And then sometimes you're like, you

434
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,879
Speaker 2: know what, I think this might be the future. This

435
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,320
Speaker 2: might be my my person or these might be my people.

436
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:11,639
Speaker 2: Because we are our episodes about you know, Aligavia all that,

437
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:14,960
Speaker 2: just know what you're what you're doing. You know, nobody

438
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:16,639
Speaker 2: do what you do exactly.

439
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,960
Speaker 1: And I think that that lends to like our second

440
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:29,360
Speaker 1: tip of have clear communication about everybody's wants and needs, right,

441
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:37,400
Speaker 1: So both parties will be clear. And I say both

442
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:41,400
Speaker 1: because again I'm talking about like the one on one communication.

443
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,679
Speaker 1: Both parties are going to be clear about what it

444
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 1: is that they want. So if I meet you and

445
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:53,200
Speaker 1: I say that you know, what I'm.

446
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:53,760
Speaker 2: Looking for.

447
00:27:55,040 --> 00:28:01,800
Speaker 1: Is eventually getting to a committed relationship, then that means

448
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:08,040
Speaker 1: that I am looking for getting looking and making moves

449
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:11,560
Speaker 1: to get into a committed relationship. And then I, for

450
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:19,119
Speaker 1: myself can define what that means to move towards a

451
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,400
Speaker 1: committed relationship.

452
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:20,680
Speaker 2: Right.

453
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:26,119
Speaker 1: So does that mean that after three dates, I'm only

454
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:32,680
Speaker 1: dating you, right? Or does that mean that I'm dating

455
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:39,440
Speaker 1: multiple people and keeping my options open to see who

456
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:42,280
Speaker 1: aligns best with me.

457
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:44,200
Speaker 2: Right?

458
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:49,160
Speaker 1: But I'm communicating all of that to any person that

459
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:49,959
Speaker 1: I'm talking to.

460
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:53,520
Speaker 2: I love that, And don made you think of the stories.

461
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:54,720
Speaker 2: So I'm about to tell you the story in the

462
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 2: after show because's a little long, so we're going to

463
00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:58,800
Speaker 2: dive into that a little later. But I do want

464
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:00,959
Speaker 2: to touch on number three, which is listen to your

465
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 2: body and instincts. And I mean we've talked I think

466
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 2: we've talked about this before on the podcast, but our

467
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:11,440
Speaker 2: body we speaking to us, Like our body really speaks

468
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,680
Speaker 2: to us. And I could just import us to recognize

469
00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:20,600
Speaker 2: when our intuition is giving us a hint about something. Ye,

470
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:27,720
Speaker 2: when our intuition or our gut is telling us something.

471
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:29,600
Speaker 2: You know. How you ever, just be with someone like

472
00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:32,479
Speaker 2: something don't feel like, okay, well guess what that is?

473
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 2: A sign? That is? That is your body communicating like

474
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,560
Speaker 2: you didn't just make that up something? Don't feelut? You

475
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:39,000
Speaker 2: ever to be walking? I mean this is a little random,

476
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 2: but like walking down the street and you're like, I

477
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 2: feel like somebody's watching me, or someone's behind me, or

478
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 2: like someone I'm just saying right, or you're in this

479
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:48,040
Speaker 2: setting or with someone with the new person and maybe

480
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 2: like I keep put my thing on it, but something

481
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,720
Speaker 2: about this person just isn't You don't have to wait

482
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:54,760
Speaker 2: to find out what that is? Okay? You like, if

483
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 2: your body is telling me to something right, and you've

484
00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 2: got your skin, your hair on your arms, raise it,

485
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,960
Speaker 2: just move on exactly. But then no questions ask the

486
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 2: way no questions asked, but the n verse is correct too,

487
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,800
Speaker 2: Like if you feel like, man, this feels really good,

488
00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:14,680
Speaker 2: like I feel super safe, this feels really positive. Wow,

489
00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,240
Speaker 2: this person bobbly my type, but I feel like we

490
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 2: really connected. Then again, listen to your body.

491
00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:24,080
Speaker 1: Yes, I agree with that. I think that listening to

492
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 1: our body is super important. But then so our last

493
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:34,560
Speaker 1: tip is get to know the person right because you know,

494
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:36,480
Speaker 1: this is after you've listened to your body, and your

495
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 1: body is, you know, not giving you any signs that

496
00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:41,760
Speaker 1: you need to run. But if your body is giving

497
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 1: you signs that you know, it's okay, we're safe.

498
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:44,680
Speaker 2: We're good.

499
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:49,480
Speaker 1: Take time to get to know the person right, like,

500
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 1: really get to know them so.

501
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:56,560
Speaker 2: More than just their favorite color. Right.

502
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:01,360
Speaker 1: Think about go back to what your goal is. If

503
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:09,360
Speaker 1: your goal is we just gonna be sex buddies, then

504
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:15,040
Speaker 1: you get to know what they like regarding sex, right.

505
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 1: But if you know but let's say your goal is

506
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:25,640
Speaker 1: we want to move towards a committed relationship. Then get

507
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 1: to know all the little things that matter to them,

508
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:33,680
Speaker 1: like their routine. Are they a morning person or a

509
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:36,000
Speaker 1: night person? Is that something that you can work with?

510
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:41,040
Speaker 1: Do they see themselves being married? Do they want to

511
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:47,520
Speaker 1: have children right? What are their career and professional goals?

512
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:52,960
Speaker 1: What are their spiritual beliefs? What do they like to

513
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 1: have for breakfast in the morning, because that could be

514
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:55,920
Speaker 1: a deal breaker for some people.

515
00:31:56,000 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 2: Right, like little things two things that just start up

516
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 2: real quick. Down, let's add a little ask to underneath. Now.

517
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,440
Speaker 2: I one of my pep peeves is people snacking when

518
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,600
Speaker 2: they eat. Go to dinner with this person and see

519
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 2: how they eat, because you might be like me, and

520
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,120
Speaker 2: you might be like, y'all can't stand people would that

521
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,480
Speaker 2: would be a deal breaker. Like if I know people

522
00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:18,160
Speaker 2: who trunk with their mouth and you can see the food,

523
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 2: we would not We could probably can't even be friends

524
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:22,240
Speaker 2: or we just can't eat around each other because I

525
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:25,360
Speaker 2: can't do it. But the other thing is another little aster.

526
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:31,760
Speaker 2: Watch how they treat people who can't do anything for Yes, yo,

527
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,560
Speaker 2: when people when we go out and someone treats the

528
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:36,800
Speaker 2: server or the server is doing something for them. But

529
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:38,760
Speaker 2: you know, even it's like the way they treat a

530
00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:41,240
Speaker 2: homeless person or the way they treat you know, someone

531
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 2: who is providing the service, even if they're mean to

532
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:46,960
Speaker 2: that person. That's a dealbreaker for me. And I'm like,

533
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,000
Speaker 2: we are all human beings there, Like I just I

534
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 2: don't like when people when they when they have this

535
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:54,040
Speaker 2: sort of superiority complex and they think that they're better

536
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:57,040
Speaker 2: than someone who's in, you know, a certain position. That

537
00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:59,840
Speaker 2: is definitely a red flag. So beware, you know, lady,

538
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:03,880
Speaker 2: watch out how how that perspective partner treats people around

539
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,520
Speaker 2: y'all when you go out, whether it's the server or

540
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,720
Speaker 2: the hostess or just someone on the street. That just

541
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:12,600
Speaker 2: WoT they how they interact with folks like that, because

542
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 2: that says a lot. Yes, I definitely agree with that.

543
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:22,440
Speaker 1: Yes, what are your pet teens? What are the things

544
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 1: that you are really passionate about? Yes, and see how

545
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 1: they relate to you on those things, right, because again

546
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 1: that goes to the little things that we don't always

547
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:38,200
Speaker 1: think about. But the more you get to know a person,

548
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 1: those are the things that you're like when y'all decide,

549
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:47,240
Speaker 1: because we're you know, in the pandemic and in the lockdown.

550
00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: Hopefully let's let's pray that that doesn't happen again in

551
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 1: our lifetime. But you know, let's say that you're in

552
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:59,480
Speaker 1: a situation where you all are having to share each

553
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:05,200
Speaker 1: other's for an extended period of time that wasn't playing,

554
00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:10,800
Speaker 1: and hell sometimes even playing a vacation, going on a vacation.

555
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,560
Speaker 2: Let me side note vacation.

556
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:18,239
Speaker 1: That's a good way to get to know somebody, like

557
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:23,160
Speaker 1: how they traveled, even if it's just a road trip

558
00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:27,680
Speaker 1: an hour up the way. How you all can travel together,

559
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:32,439
Speaker 1: that's a good sign of how well you all might

560
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:34,280
Speaker 1: get along in the future.

561
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:39,560
Speaker 2: That's super important. That is some big facts right there. Okay,

562
00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:42,440
Speaker 2: you'll see the frustration and how y'all act. Okay, this

563
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:44,960
Speaker 2: is super random, yall. But one time we've been out

564
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,160
Speaker 2: of the country and I had booked the wrong train

565
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:51,160
Speaker 2: to go to another city and child you had to

566
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:56,000
Speaker 2: separate in the train station. I booked the train first,

567
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,560
Speaker 2: I did something crazy. We were like, I think you

568
00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:00,640
Speaker 2: like magrade or something, and we had like spend some

569
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 2: time apart in the train station because it was like

570
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:06,640
Speaker 2: a a couple hours delay. So just just beware travel

571
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:08,319
Speaker 2: go travel with this person who sing beat to one

572
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:13,360
Speaker 2: because just see stuff come up. Yes, definitely, should we

573
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:15,319
Speaker 2: do a quick recap down so we can get ready

574
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:19,560
Speaker 2: for the after show after Let's do it all right?

575
00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:27,439
Speaker 2: So Tip number one, know your goal. Tip number two

576
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:35,000
Speaker 2: have clear communication about your wants and needs. Tip number

577
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:40,959
Speaker 2: three listen to your body and your instincts. And tip

578
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:45,680
Speaker 2: number four, get to know the person. Yay, we did

579
00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:48,480
Speaker 2: it down down Did you see you looking down? Yeah,

580
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:51,080
Speaker 2: I'm looking at the baby monitor because I think she's

581
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:52,680
Speaker 2: about to get up. So we did it. We've put

582
00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 2: that episode. Yay. Hey lady, we have well over one

583
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:58,920
Speaker 2: hundred episode so be sure to check the archives. Okay,

584
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:03,600
Speaker 2: we talked about mind the issues, daddy issues, infertulity, miscarriage, narcissist,

585
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:06,200
Speaker 2: and more. So you can literally just google a keyword

586
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:09,839
Speaker 2: along with our podcast name and find what you're looking for. Now,

587
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:13,319
Speaker 2: Domina are going to go hop on Patreon and talk

588
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,360
Speaker 2: record the after show. Also, you can tap into the

589
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:20,520
Speaker 2: after show, write an app on Spotify or an Apple Podcasts,

590
00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 2: and the after show is kind of what we like,

591
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 2: let our hair down, and it's going to get a

592
00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:26,399
Speaker 2: bit more informal. You'll also give the chance to see

593
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,080
Speaker 2: us on video and write in and see the baby

594
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,040
Speaker 2: because you know, I got to do what I'm got

595
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:33,320
Speaker 2: to do. So we'll see you over there on Patreon

596
00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:35,040
Speaker 2: and thank you for tuning in.

597
00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:39,400
Speaker 1: Hey lady, this is doctor dom here from the Cultivating

598
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:43,360
Speaker 1: her Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the

599
00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:48,520
Speaker 1: state of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey well.

600
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:52,760
Speaker 1: If so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

601
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:57,520
Speaker 1: Brusard dot com that's d R D O M I

602
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:06,640
Speaker 1: ni qu E br ou Ssard dot com to schedule

603
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:10,840
Speaker 1: a free fifteen minute consultation. I look forward to hearing

604
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:16,920
Speaker 1: from you. Thanks for joining us today. Please note that

605
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:22,920
Speaker 1: our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment,

606
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:26,640
Speaker 1: and mental health, but is by no means meant to

607
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 1: be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a

608
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:34,440
Speaker 1: trained mental health provider. If you are someone you know

609
00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 1: is in need of mental health care, please visit a

610
00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:43,520
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your

611
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:44,480
Speaker 1: insurance provider.

612
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,040
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

613
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:51,640
Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website cultivatingharspace dot com and

614
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,240
Speaker 2: be sure to click the Patreon tab to get access

615
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:59,120
Speaker 2: to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show. And

616
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:03,319
Speaker 2: before we meet again, repeat after me. Greatness is my birthright,

617
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,560
Speaker 2: so I no longer ask for permission