1
00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:06,120
Speaker 1: I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher

2
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,280
Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.

3
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:14,360
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until

4
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,959
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my

5
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,919
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a

6
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:38,519
Speaker 1: production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,

7
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:46,200
Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. I am your host, your facilitator,

8
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:52,159
Speaker 1: your support team. I am here today in service to

9
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:59,760
Speaker 1: us all creating, developing, sustaining, growing, expanding better relationships. All

10
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:07,080
Speaker 1: kinds of relationships, loving relationships, family ships, love ships, intimate shifts,

11
00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:11,120
Speaker 1: any kind of ship that we can be on or

12
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:14,479
Speaker 1: be in to make our lives and our connection with

13
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:18,640
Speaker 1: each other better. You know, I always say that relationships

14
00:01:18,959 --> 00:01:22,400
Speaker 1: are the classrooms of life. It's where we go to

15
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:26,480
Speaker 1: learn more about ourselves. And unfortunately, we always make it

16
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,320
Speaker 1: about the other person, what they're doing, what they're not doing,

17
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,200
Speaker 1: how they're doing it, and what they're doing to us.

18
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:35,320
Speaker 1: And the only relationship you ever have is the one

19
00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:40,840
Speaker 1: you have in with yourself. That's pretty horrible, but when

20
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,840
Speaker 1: you think about it and what we endeavor to do

21
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:46,840
Speaker 1: with each relationship or what we want to endeavor to

22
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:50,680
Speaker 1: do is to grow more, to heal, more, to be more,

23
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:55,240
Speaker 1: to give more, so that our relationship with ourselves, and

24
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,640
Speaker 1: of course our relationship with our source, God, creator, whatever

25
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:06,280
Speaker 1: you call it, becomes more intimate, more productive, more joy

26
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,440
Speaker 1: filled and peace filled. So how are you doing out

27
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:14,000
Speaker 1: there in your relationships? And what are you seeing in

28
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,120
Speaker 1: your relationships that's teaching you about yourself? And when you

29
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,160
Speaker 1: see it do you put your head under the pillar

30
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:26,080
Speaker 1: and scream? Do you run screaming from the room? You know?

31
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,960
Speaker 1: I always say that if you ever want to find

32
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:33,200
Speaker 1: out how spiritual you are, get into a relationship, because

33
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:37,720
Speaker 1: when you buy yourself you spiritual all as hell, okay,

34
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,880
Speaker 1: But then when you get into a relationship, all your

35
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:45,560
Speaker 1: stuff gets triggered and you get to see who you are.

36
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,880
Speaker 1: So today I have a guess that's going to help

37
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:54,000
Speaker 1: us understand that dynamic of seeing who we are, learning

38
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,480
Speaker 1: who we are, but most of all, learning how to

39
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,160
Speaker 1: handle it. How do you handle it when you see

40
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,480
Speaker 1: yourself on your partner or your children, Oh my god,

41
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,280
Speaker 1: on the kids. The kids will sure to tell you

42
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:08,800
Speaker 1: who you are with your parents, with your family, and

43
00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:12,840
Speaker 1: how do you handle breakdowns and relationships? How do you

44
00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:16,000
Speaker 1: handle them with yourself? For yourself and then with the

45
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:21,160
Speaker 1: other person. So my guest today I call it Kitty Rose.

46
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,320
Speaker 1: Miss Kitty Rose is with us today. She is a

47
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:30,160
Speaker 1: relationship coach and also is it a clinical psychologist? Do

48
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:35,839
Speaker 1: you do clinical psychology therapists? Therapists? Clinical therapist? I love

49
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,000
Speaker 1: that because give me some therapy please. I need it.

50
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,760
Speaker 1: I need it, particularly when it comes to relationships, because

51
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:51,360
Speaker 1: that's the most dynamic and difficult area of our lives.

52
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,720
Speaker 1: So if you've ever hung out with Ace metaphor, you've

53
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,080
Speaker 1: probably heard Kitty Seeing Kitty. She has her own platform

54
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,360
Speaker 1: and her own clients, and we are honored to have

55
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:05,720
Speaker 1: her here today on the R spot. How you doing,

56
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:06,280
Speaker 1: miss Kitty?

57
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,720
Speaker 2: I'm doing wonderful. How are you?

58
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:14,400
Speaker 1: I'm excited. I'm excited to have another conversation with somebody

59
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,880
Speaker 1: else about relationships.

60
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:24,680
Speaker 3: Of course, yeah, yeahship no, because everything is a relationship, food, money,

61
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:26,599
Speaker 3: the earth, you know.

62
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,640
Speaker 1: Right now, I think we're having a relationship with energy

63
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,840
Speaker 1: in the world, with the energy that's coming at us

64
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:39,279
Speaker 1: as we shift and change the leadership. It's just so

65
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:47,480
Speaker 1: exciting for me. Now you combine psychological principles and practical experience,

66
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:51,240
Speaker 1: because you know it's good you have all these psychological constructs.

67
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,159
Speaker 1: But when your husband, your wife, your kids, your mama

68
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:59,480
Speaker 1: getting on your nerve, that stuff that doesn't seem well

69
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,839
Speaker 1: from your experience and with the people you work with.

70
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,840
Speaker 1: What is the biggest And I know there are several,

71
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,279
Speaker 1: but what is the let me say the biggest and

72
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:15,640
Speaker 1: the most common challenge people have in relationships.

73
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,920
Speaker 3: As a general statement, I'm going to say conflict. Yeah, okay,

74
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:25,000
Speaker 3: the breaking down more. I'm going to say what I

75
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,120
Speaker 3: say a lot with couples is people don't practice a

76
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,559
Speaker 3: lot of theory of mind. So a lot of people

77
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:35,120
Speaker 3: don't understand that the person opposite of you will have

78
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:40,200
Speaker 3: different beliefs, different intentions, different upbringings, different backgrounds and things

79
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,440
Speaker 3: like that. And so when you're facing conflict, a lot

80
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,159
Speaker 3: of times you want you to be the other person.

81
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:50,080
Speaker 3: So you want to see you in your partner, in

82
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,640
Speaker 3: your spouse, and it doesn't work like that. And a

83
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,920
Speaker 3: lot of people haven't practiced. We hear a lot of

84
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,599
Speaker 3: people say they're empathetic, but you haven't practiced perspective taking,

85
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,840
Speaker 3: being able to see things outside of yourself. Being able

86
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,599
Speaker 3: to understand that people have different perspectives of you, and

87
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,680
Speaker 3: when they do, it doesn't mean that you're wrong. And

88
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,080
Speaker 3: so when we have conflict, when we see couples who

89
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,120
Speaker 3: have conflict, ego shows up. Ego is always going to

90
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,840
Speaker 3: protect us. Pride shows up, and so our ego tells

91
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,960
Speaker 3: us we have to protect ourselves against the very person

92
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,360
Speaker 3: who is probably here to give us safety and security

93
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,440
Speaker 3: and to love us and to understand us. But in

94
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,840
Speaker 3: that space, that moment where you're supposed to be vulnerable,

95
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,279
Speaker 3: a lot of people fight that and instead they try

96
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:33,599
Speaker 3: to be right. They don't use effect of problem solving skills.

97
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,040
Speaker 3: It's more so I want to be right what's right

98
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,960
Speaker 3: versus what's wrong, what's moral versus what's in moral, and

99
00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:41,120
Speaker 3: that's what the problem is.

100
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:45,200
Speaker 2: So yah, that's a lightweb of putting it.

101
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:49,120
Speaker 1: But where we don't learn relationship skills, we learn a

102
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:53,200
Speaker 1: square eco B plus B square eco C square. I

103
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:57,240
Speaker 1: don't nobody nowhere, and I've got degrees up the wazoo,

104
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:02,400
Speaker 1: and nobody I've never heard anywhere how to deal with

105
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:05,880
Speaker 1: conflict and a relationship. Where do you learn that? That?

106
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,520
Speaker 2: And you know what that is a problem.

107
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,480
Speaker 3: But The thing is is that because it can't be

108
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,000
Speaker 3: an excuse anymore, because we have so many free resources

109
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:18,240
Speaker 3: online now right there's resources on TikTok, on Instagram, on YouTube.

110
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,360
Speaker 3: But the problem is is that in our formative years

111
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,920
Speaker 3: we have been conditioned and train how to be for

112
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,320
Speaker 3: everyone else, how to exist for everyone else, how to

113
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,480
Speaker 3: do for everyone else. We don't form a solid relationship

114
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:34,400
Speaker 3: with ourselves. And because we have learned certain behaviors from

115
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:38,240
Speaker 3: our parents, from our caregivers, from our earliest attachments, some

116
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,480
Speaker 3: of those behaviors we carry on and we think that

117
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,520
Speaker 3: they're normal. We normalize these unhealthy behaviors. We think that

118
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,400
Speaker 3: that's the way the world is, and we don't see

119
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,240
Speaker 3: outside of what we learned inside of our homes or

120
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:52,320
Speaker 3: any social constructs that we have. But like you said earlier,

121
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,360
Speaker 3: everything is a relationship. Everything that you have taken on,

122
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,880
Speaker 3: every behavior, every response that you have learned, every way

123
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,760
Speaker 3: of dealing with your anxiety, anything is relationship that you

124
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:07,240
Speaker 3: have with yourself, with those things, with those characteristics, with

125
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:11,040
Speaker 3: those qualities. And if you haven't learned from yourself, from

126
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,520
Speaker 3: seeing the relationships that you've had with other people, from

127
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,360
Speaker 3: listening to the complaints from listening to people talk about

128
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,440
Speaker 3: the things that they didn't like. If you didn't listen

129
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,120
Speaker 3: alone the way, you never equipped it yourself. And it's

130
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,760
Speaker 3: not hard to do. So you just have to be

131
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,960
Speaker 3: willing to receive that criticism from other people and take

132
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,600
Speaker 3: things from a curious mind, and be willing to understand

133
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:30,960
Speaker 3: things outside of yourself.

134
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:35,360
Speaker 1: Okay, this is loaded, miss kiddy.

135
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:38,520
Speaker 2: I'm always in their person I know.

136
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:43,360
Speaker 1: So let us break this down into bite sized pieces. Okay,

137
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:51,520
Speaker 1: solid relationship with self, Yes, that's where it all starts.

138
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:56,679
Speaker 1: Of course, solid relationship with self. How do you know

139
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:01,360
Speaker 1: if you don't have a solid relationship with yourself? You

140
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,360
Speaker 1: alone in your head without adult supervision, you're telling yourself

141
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:08,520
Speaker 1: that everything about you is marvelous and wonderful. You meet

142
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,800
Speaker 1: this person you love and they start pointing out things

143
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,640
Speaker 1: to you. You use the word criticism. I want to

144
00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:21,080
Speaker 1: talk about the distinction between criticism, observation, and experience. So

145
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:25,120
Speaker 1: let's go back to solid relationship with self. How do

146
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:29,680
Speaker 1: you know if you do not have a solid, good, healthy,

147
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,640
Speaker 1: functional relationship with yourself? How do you know?

148
00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:35,200
Speaker 2: Oh, now this is going to be layered.

149
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,559
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, let me get a piece of paper.

150
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,800
Speaker 1: So I can write it down so that I can

151
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:47,360
Speaker 1: pick out the nuggets, because we got to get the nuggets. Okay, good, yeah,

152
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:48,880
Speaker 1: go ahead, I got my paper.

153
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,880
Speaker 3: I think the first indicator is you not being able

154
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,920
Speaker 3: to be alone, to be in that place of solitude

155
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:59,760
Speaker 3: with yourself. Sometimes when people find themselves in a place

156
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,400
Speaker 3: of solitude, they start having a negative self talk. They

157
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:06,840
Speaker 3: start speaking bad things about themselves. The negative thoughts start

158
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,640
Speaker 3: to become louder than the positives. That's one indicator that

159
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:14,760
Speaker 3: you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself. Another thing

160
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:19,800
Speaker 3: is being impulsive and being irrational. I think that when

161
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,360
Speaker 3: a person is mood dependent and they behave based on

162
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,360
Speaker 3: their mood, they behave based on their emotions. If they're

163
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,920
Speaker 3: impulsive with their reactions and things like that, that shows

164
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,120
Speaker 3: that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself because

165
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:36,640
Speaker 3: you're not practicing control. You're also not practicing operating in

166
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:39,360
Speaker 3: your wise mind, being able to function, realizing that you

167
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,280
Speaker 3: have emotional processes, but also realizing that you have to

168
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:47,280
Speaker 3: be logical as well. I think another indicator that a

169
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:52,240
Speaker 3: person may not have a healthy relationship with themselves is

170
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,800
Speaker 3: the problem solving skills. I think That's another one being

171
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,360
Speaker 3: able to look for solutions. As I said previously, look

172
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:03,200
Speaker 3: for solutions that are effective when you have a need

173
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,880
Speaker 3: to be right when you're dealing with other people. That

174
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,400
Speaker 3: really shows an internal conflict that you have with yourself.

175
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:11,800
Speaker 2: Once again back to perspective.

176
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:17,360
Speaker 3: I also think that when a person cannot accept or

177
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:22,439
Speaker 3: receive the positives positive things about themselves, people giving them compliments,

178
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,960
Speaker 3: anything like that, when they discount and disqualify those positives,

179
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,160
Speaker 3: it says a lot about the relationship that you have

180
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,280
Speaker 3: with yourself because you probably have a lot of negative

181
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,400
Speaker 3: or self limiting beliefs that you're operating in as well.

182
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,640
Speaker 3: I think those are like the biggest indicators. And then

183
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:41,680
Speaker 3: of course personal criticism and self doubt the indicators as well.

184
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:48,480
Speaker 3: Constantly criticizing and beating yourself down or devaluing yourself, minimizing yourself.

185
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,439
Speaker 3: Those show that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.

186
00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:59,320
Speaker 1: Oh well, alrighty, then a healthy relationship with self, Yes,

187
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:04,959
Speaker 1: that's start. That starts that layser foundation for how you're

188
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,920
Speaker 1: going to be in relationship with other Now, this is interesting.

189
00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:12,880
Speaker 1: I'll tell you my theory. But if somebody doesn't have

190
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:17,360
Speaker 1: a relationship, healthy relationship with their self. Who in the

191
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,679
Speaker 1: blazon of Jesus are they going to a trap? We're

192
00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:22,520
Speaker 1: going to talk about that when we come back. Right

193
00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:37,120
Speaker 1: after this break, Welcome back to the R Spot. My

194
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:44,679
Speaker 1: guest today is Kitty Rose, a relationship coach, clinical therapist,

195
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:50,400
Speaker 1: and we and we are looking at the intricacies that

196
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:55,280
Speaker 1: cause breakdowns and relationships, how to develop a good relationship.

197
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:59,480
Speaker 1: And before the break, I asked Ms Kitty, how do

198
00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:02,840
Speaker 1: you know if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself,

199
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:07,560
Speaker 1: If you can't be alone, if you constantly engaged in

200
00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:13,960
Speaker 1: negative self talk, if you have impulsive, irrational, reactionary responses.

201
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,520
Speaker 1: This term Miss Kitty introduced the wise mind. We're going

202
00:13:18,559 --> 00:13:20,720
Speaker 1: to talk about that in a minute. If you don't

203
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,200
Speaker 1: have good problem solving skills, if you always have a

204
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:28,000
Speaker 1: need to be right, if you cannot accept the positives

205
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,720
Speaker 1: about yourself, and if you're involved in deep levels of

206
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:36,120
Speaker 1: self doubt and self criticism, chances are you don't have

207
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:40,520
Speaker 1: a relationship, a good relationship with yourself. But you went

208
00:13:40,559 --> 00:13:43,680
Speaker 1: to the bar and you met Booboo, and now Booboo

209
00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:46,720
Speaker 1: has a key and you all are living together. Tell me,

210
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:53,120
Speaker 1: Miss kitty, who you will attract if you don't have

211
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,000
Speaker 1: a good relationship with yourself. That's I want to know that.

212
00:13:57,679 --> 00:13:59,880
Speaker 2: Hmm I okay.

213
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,400
Speaker 3: I believe in ego mates, and I believe that we

214
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,600
Speaker 3: attract our ego mates.

215
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,079
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, Wait a minute, what's the ego mate?

216
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,920
Speaker 1: Hold on, you're going to drop some more stuff on here.

217
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:14,320
Speaker 1: Why is mine ego mate? Okay, what's the ego mate?

218
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,120
Speaker 3: So your ego mate is pretty much the opposite of

219
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,720
Speaker 3: your soulmate. It's not going to be or it's not

220
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,360
Speaker 3: going to be a harmonious dynamic. Your ego is going

221
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,800
Speaker 3: to go for what it knows. And if you have

222
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,960
Speaker 3: an unhealthy relationship with yourself, that's probably rooted in an

223
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,840
Speaker 3: unhealthy past, that you have a negative past, and so

224
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,720
Speaker 3: your ego is going to attach to the person who

225
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,440
Speaker 3: has similar trauma, who has negative experiences, who operates from

226
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,520
Speaker 3: those negative experiences that they have endured in their formative years,

227
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,000
Speaker 3: and that's who you're probably going to attract. That's also

228
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,720
Speaker 3: who you're going to entertain as well, someone who's probably

229
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,840
Speaker 3: just as broken as you. And I really don't like

230
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,720
Speaker 3: to use a term broken, because we can say toxic

231
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:58,200
Speaker 3: as well. Okay, and healthy behaviors and stuff like that.

232
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,160
Speaker 1: And so that person and is going to demonstrate to

233
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:08,120
Speaker 1: you everything that you do to yourself, and they're going

234
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:11,120
Speaker 1: to do it to their self, and nine times out

235
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,400
Speaker 1: of ten they're going to do it to you, and

236
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,520
Speaker 1: then that's going to make them the problem. Why don't

237
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,680
Speaker 1: we see that? Why don't we understand that and know

238
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,560
Speaker 1: that that your partner is your.

239
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,160
Speaker 3: Mirror, because you know, a lot of people they don't

240
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,720
Speaker 3: come into it with that understanding because they live in

241
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:32,240
Speaker 3: fantasy worlds. A lot of people haven't practiced radical acceptance.

242
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,800
Speaker 3: They have in practice actually living and accepting reality for

243
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:39,840
Speaker 3: what it is. Reality also means seeing things outside of you,

244
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:44,160
Speaker 3: owning up to who somebody is, understanding that people are

245
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:48,280
Speaker 3: different from you, and people when we meet other people,

246
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:52,120
Speaker 3: we see great characteristics or we end up putting on

247
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,560
Speaker 3: characteristics to other people, placing characteristics onto other people that

248
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,920
Speaker 3: we desire, and that just clouds our judgment because a

249
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,280
Speaker 3: lot of people are ruled by their emotions. When you

250
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,760
Speaker 3: connect with somebody, you've been lonely for so long and

251
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:07,760
Speaker 3: just now you feel that company, you feel that possible companionship,

252
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:11,240
Speaker 3: you disregard everything else. You disregard everything else, and you

253
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:15,200
Speaker 3: create a fantastical idea what that's want to be, what

254
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,000
Speaker 3: your life is going to be, and you get stuck

255
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:17,960
Speaker 3: in that fantasy bond.

256
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:23,000
Speaker 1: You know my experiences, and you can tell me how

257
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:27,960
Speaker 1: you've experienced this. When the broke, the wounds, when the

258
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:33,160
Speaker 1: toxicity in me connects with the toxicity in you. It

259
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:37,760
Speaker 1: takes me about ninety days to see it, depending upon

260
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,320
Speaker 1: how much time we spend together, it takes me about

261
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:46,920
Speaker 1: ninety days. That first ninety days we's kissing, hugging, licking, sucking, picking, doing,

262
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:51,040
Speaker 1: eating off each other's plate, your farts, don't think none

263
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,800
Speaker 1: of that. And then ninety days later I'm like, remember

264
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,920
Speaker 1: that song? How did you get here?

265
00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:01,120
Speaker 2: Yeah?

266
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,560
Speaker 1: Yes, And then you start to see it and like

267
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:10,040
Speaker 1: wait a minute, hold up, why what is this? And

268
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,959
Speaker 1: the response is then to make it about the other person,

269
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,879
Speaker 1: right right, That to me is when the learned behaviors

270
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:23,360
Speaker 1: start emerging. How you deal with conflict, how you keep

271
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,320
Speaker 1: yourself safe, how you've created boundaries?

272
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:27,359
Speaker 2: Right?

273
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,280
Speaker 1: Do you find that in working with people that that happens?

274
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,160
Speaker 3: Yes, we talk a lot about emotion and emotional processes,

275
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,720
Speaker 3: but we don't talk a lot about euphoria and how

276
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:42,560
Speaker 3: it affects people. The newness of a relationship presents a

277
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,199
Speaker 3: lot of euphoria. You feel that you feel this idea

278
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:50,200
Speaker 3: of love that's not real, and you feel the bliss

279
00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:54,680
Speaker 3: the quote unquote happiness because it's not always real. Sometimes

280
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,840
Speaker 3: these are faciety that come up, and in that newness,

281
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,560
Speaker 3: a lot of times this person presents something that you

282
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:04,920
Speaker 3: either have never had before or something that you have desired. Yeah,

283
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,800
Speaker 3: and in those moments, like you said in the first

284
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,680
Speaker 3: ninety days, which a lot of people actually see it

285
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:13,040
Speaker 3: before that they just purposely and intentionally overlook these things,

286
00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:15,760
Speaker 3: or they ignore it or pretend like these problems don't

287
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,040
Speaker 3: exist because once again, it doesn't fit the idea that

288
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,040
Speaker 3: they have of that person or the idea that they

289
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,480
Speaker 3: have of their life. So in that newness, a lot

290
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,760
Speaker 3: of times you don't see those bad behaviors from yourself

291
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,359
Speaker 3: and you pretend like the other person doesn't necessarily have

292
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,879
Speaker 3: these bad behaviors, or you tell yourself that if you

293
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,480
Speaker 3: love them enough, if you're with them long enough, if

294
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,320
Speaker 3: you get to know them, if you take care of

295
00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:40,840
Speaker 3: them enough, these things are just gonna fade out. They're

296
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:45,080
Speaker 3: just gonna go away, and it doesn't happen like that now. However,

297
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,280
Speaker 3: as you said, after the ninety days, which most people

298
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,200
Speaker 3: see it before once again, but.

299
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,040
Speaker 1: Call it, they call it something else.

300
00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:57,480
Speaker 3: Once they see these things start to show up, they

301
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,680
Speaker 3: see the negative behaviors, and other people they see the

302
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:03,399
Speaker 3: unhealthy behavior patterns, and other people they see it in themselves.

303
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,119
Speaker 3: It doesn't fit the narrative. They just try to go on.

304
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,600
Speaker 3: When you don't, once again, back to radical acceptance. When

305
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,440
Speaker 3: you don't accept reality for what it is, you cause

306
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:17,040
Speaker 3: your own pain and suffering. That's what you do when

307
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:20,399
Speaker 3: you create fantastical ideas. You can't point the finger at

308
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:24,159
Speaker 3: somebody else because you cause that suffering for yourself. In

309
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,560
Speaker 3: moments where you knew you should have walked away, you

310
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,840
Speaker 3: should have set a boundary, you should have stepped back,

311
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:33,080
Speaker 3: you didn't. Speaking of boundaries, a lot of people struggle

312
00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:36,600
Speaker 3: with that in itself, because bounties are rooted in how

313
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:40,080
Speaker 3: much you respect yourself. If you respect yourself enough the

314
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,280
Speaker 3: moment that you saw that this person was not healthy

315
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,960
Speaker 3: for you, you would have walked away. Yeah, you can't set

316
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,240
Speaker 3: a boundary if you haven't done that.

317
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,360
Speaker 1: You know, here is my I guess you call it

318
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:55,480
Speaker 1: a pet peeve. Or when I talk to people about boundaries, Yes,

319
00:19:56,600 --> 00:20:02,560
Speaker 1: but I find so many, so very often we're having

320
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,480
Speaker 1: a relationship with the person that they are not having

321
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:13,000
Speaker 1: with us. You're all Dayton doing the wild thing, you know.

322
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:17,960
Speaker 1: And particularly for women, they find themselves pregnant or they

323
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:22,200
Speaker 1: planned the wedding and then when they talk to the man,

324
00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:26,159
Speaker 1: he's like, you know, that's not what I wanted. And

325
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,840
Speaker 1: I say, well, what were the agreements that you made?

326
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,760
Speaker 1: Did you have the agreement that this was a monogamous

327
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,280
Speaker 1: relationship that you all were planning a future together. What

328
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:40,280
Speaker 1: was the agreement? And so many people make have relationships

329
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,320
Speaker 1: with no boundaries and no agreements and no deal breakers.

330
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:48,160
Speaker 1: What's a deal breaker? What in the blazing of Jesus?

331
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:54,240
Speaker 1: But anyway, when you start seeing yourself, yeah, but a

332
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,800
Speaker 1: lot of people don't even know it's their self. That's

333
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,919
Speaker 1: the thing. We don't know that what a partner is

334
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,320
Speaker 1: showing us or what the person because sometimes it's your mother,

335
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,320
Speaker 1: it's your system. We don't know that that's either an

336
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:12,800
Speaker 1: aspect of us or that the way they're behaving it's

337
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,680
Speaker 1: calling for something in us that we need to grow

338
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:20,280
Speaker 1: or heal. Right, so your sister never pays her money back?

339
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,879
Speaker 1: What are you growing or healing? Or your mother is

340
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,240
Speaker 1: very critical of you? What are you growing or healing?

341
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,800
Speaker 1: How do you do that? What happens if you don't

342
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:35,160
Speaker 1: know it's you? How do you develop the problem solving

343
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,919
Speaker 1: skills or techniques in a relationship because you don't know

344
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,720
Speaker 1: it's you that you're looking at.

345
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,200
Speaker 3: I don't believe you can if you're always pointing a

346
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,280
Speaker 3: finger at somebody else and you're not taking accountability. Okay,

347
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,000
Speaker 3: and you there's no way. If you feel as though

348
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,720
Speaker 3: you are a perfect individual, then you're being unrealistic to

349
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:54,159
Speaker 3: begin with.

350
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:55,000
Speaker 1: Okay.

351
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:56,040
Speaker 2: I think that.

352
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:02,120
Speaker 3: If people come into more situations with a curious mind, yeah,

353
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,960
Speaker 3: and practicing more willingness, that means that you're willing to

354
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,199
Speaker 3: accept things that are outside of you. A lot of

355
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:11,280
Speaker 3: people you can't collaborate with them. A lot of people

356
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,119
Speaker 3: don't know how to compromise. There are a lot of

357
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:17,639
Speaker 3: people who, in regards to conflict, they're more competitive in

358
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 3: their style of conflict. So it's more about what fits them,

359
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,040
Speaker 3: my way or the highway, what's their narrative. If you

360
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:28,800
Speaker 3: can't see outside of yourself, everyone else is always going

361
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:29,480
Speaker 3: to be the blame.

362
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:33,600
Speaker 1: They are, Okay, So let's let's go through some common

363
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:45,119
Speaker 1: relationship dilemmasat cheating. What is it about me that is

364
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:50,880
Speaker 1: attracting the serial Cheatah, I'm good to him. I do everything,

365
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,720
Speaker 1: I cook, I watched the you know, I fol the socks,

366
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,920
Speaker 1: I walk the dog. We have great conversations. And this

367
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:03,520
Speaker 1: mother lover cheats and lies about it. What is it

368
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,280
Speaker 1: in me that's attracting the cheat? Though?

369
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,880
Speaker 2: It sounds like you're a people pleaser and you're sacrificial

370
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,120
Speaker 2: and thank you.

371
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:17,040
Speaker 1: Thank you for that assessment. Break that down because this

372
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:18,199
Speaker 1: is huge.

373
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,840
Speaker 3: So I think that when people are over accommodating and

374
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,040
Speaker 3: people are people pleasers, they sacrifice so much of themselves,

375
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,199
Speaker 3: so they put themselves in the inferior position, and they

376
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 3: put other people in superior positions. And if a person

377
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,320
Speaker 3: who is whose goal is to manipulate you, or a

378
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:37,480
Speaker 3: person who has like any personality disorders where they don't

379
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,679
Speaker 3: understand empathy it's just about themselves, they're going to exploit

380
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 3: that that's a weakness that they can utilize. You will

381
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:47,000
Speaker 3: sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of me, and

382
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,199
Speaker 3: that's things that are obvious.

383
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:49,680
Speaker 2: You can always tell who's a.

384
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,080
Speaker 3: People pleaser in the way that they speak, in the

385
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,880
Speaker 3: way that they be, in the way that they react,

386
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,840
Speaker 3: in a way that they behave you see it. People

387
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,320
Speaker 3: always pay attention to nonverbal behaviors. If they're there's a

388
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,919
Speaker 3: serial cheater who just wants to put somebody else in

389
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,760
Speaker 3: his basket, you want somebody who can still cater to

390
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:09,560
Speaker 3: him or her or whoever and do whatever it is

391
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,119
Speaker 3: that they want to do. They're going to look for

392
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,719
Speaker 3: the person who's going to always give in. It can

393
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,440
Speaker 3: be general conversation. You can meet somebody at a bar

394
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,080
Speaker 3: and you can say, you know, I want to buy this.

395
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:20,480
Speaker 3: You know I'm gonna get you something to drink.

396
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,119
Speaker 2: Oh, no, I have it. Don't worry about it.

397
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,200
Speaker 3: Or if you're with friends and they see that you're

398
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,399
Speaker 3: covering everybody, Oh don't worry about it.

399
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:26,880
Speaker 2: I got it.

400
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 3: They see that you're overly accommodating, you're going to pick

401
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 3: up you're a people pleaser. It's ales and you'll be

402
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:34,679
Speaker 3: the person that they target.

403
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:40,520
Speaker 1: The other thing that I find about cheating or I

404
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,679
Speaker 1: don't even think of it as cheating, I think of

405
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:48,280
Speaker 1: it as a lack of integrity, Yes, a lack of trust.

406
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 1: And if you don't believe you can have what you want,

407
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 1: you're going to attract somebody who's going to prove you

408
00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:01,159
Speaker 1: right exactly. You want to loving healthy monoga mis relationship,

409
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,960
Speaker 1: but you really don't believe you can have it, if

410
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,159
Speaker 1: you're gonna attract the person that's gonna show you you

411
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,280
Speaker 1: can't have that, Does that make sense?

412
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, the person that reinforces those beliefs.

413
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:16,520
Speaker 1: Okay, mm hmm. Cheating is huge. Cheating is huge. Let's

414
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,520
Speaker 1: talk about domestic violence.

415
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,679
Speaker 2: Oh okay, what's.

416
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:27,920
Speaker 1: Going on in me that I'm gonna attract somebody that's

417
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 1: gonna punch me in my face, push me, choke me whatever.

418
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:37,040
Speaker 3: I honestly think when it comes to domestic violence, I

419
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,600
Speaker 3: think that victims of domestic violence cannot place too much

420
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,520
Speaker 3: blame on themselves. The one thing we can acknowledge, however,

421
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,320
Speaker 3: that if you are a person who is going through

422
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,480
Speaker 3: domestic violence and you have had a history or pass

423
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:55,680
Speaker 3: of abuse, some people just go back to what's familiar.

424
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:01,280
Speaker 3: Some people have just pult of natures to where they

425
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:05,320
Speaker 3: just constantly repeat their past. It's not always on purpose.

426
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,240
Speaker 3: Some people do it because they're trying to rewrite past.

427
00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:13,800
Speaker 3: Sometimes it's not intentional, and sometimes people go back to

428
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,800
Speaker 3: these situations to change the past, thinking that they can

429
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,400
Speaker 3: fix this, you know, they can prove that, you know,

430
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,720
Speaker 3: they didn't have to be hit on or anything like that.

431
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:25,240
Speaker 3: I think that a lot of people get stuck in familiarity,

432
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 3: and I'm not saying that that's everybody, because some people

433
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,320
Speaker 3: really do fall victim to relationships with the abusers and

434
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:34,480
Speaker 3: they didn't realize it because a lot of people come

435
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,480
Speaker 3: in with all of these great things in the beginning,

436
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:39,280
Speaker 3: these great characteristics. A lot of people are performative in

437
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,840
Speaker 3: the beginning. They come in, they shower you with gifts

438
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,280
Speaker 3: and praise and compliments, and you don't see the bad

439
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,520
Speaker 3: in them, And the moment that you do see the.

440
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 2: Bad, they already grabbed you.

441
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,880
Speaker 3: They already have you in this deep hold, and you're

442
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,200
Speaker 3: so emotionally invested that it's hard for you to break.

443
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,160
Speaker 3: And once again, people struggle is believing that they can

444
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:59,520
Speaker 3: love characteristics out of someone. You can't love someone to change.

445
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,400
Speaker 3: That is something that they have to do.

446
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:08,639
Speaker 1: You cannot love certain characteristics out of someone. You can't

447
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 1: love them enough to love them out of their toxicity. Wow,

448
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,200
Speaker 1: that's a lot. I want you all to think about that.

449
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 1: We're gonna come back with mss Kitty and Moore right

450
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:34,080
Speaker 1: after this break. Welcome back to the art spot. Kitty

451
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:39,520
Speaker 1: Rose and I are discussing some common relationship challenges. We've

452
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:44,280
Speaker 1: already looked at healing, having a good relationship with yourself,

453
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 1: and if you don't, you're gonna attract somebody a who

454
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 1: doesn't have a good relationship with themselves and who is

455
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,560
Speaker 1: gonna mirror back to you what you do, and if

456
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,479
Speaker 1: you make it about them, the healing is out the window.

457
00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:02,720
Speaker 1: Now we're talking about things that are common in relationships

458
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,280
Speaker 1: and how it is we attract them. We talked about cheating.

459
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,680
Speaker 1: Let me go back to cheating for a minute, Miss Kitty.

460
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,919
Speaker 1: I have a question. If a person cheats and you

461
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:17,800
Speaker 1: find out they cheat once, is it a guarantee that

462
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:21,280
Speaker 1: they'll do it again? No? Okay.

463
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 3: Now, simply because with couples I specialize in infidelity recovery,

464
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,840
Speaker 3: I can tell you that some people will go back

465
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 3: to cheating if you did not get to what the

466
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:34,719
Speaker 3: root of the problem was. Yeah, the root of the problem,

467
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:38,280
Speaker 3: regardless of unmet needs or unmet expectations. The root of

468
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:41,520
Speaker 3: the problem is the offender, the person who engaged in

469
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:45,320
Speaker 3: the infidelity. Yeah, but there are a lot of people

470
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 3: who actually are integral and they do realize that they've

471
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:52,320
Speaker 3: made a mistake and they fix it. There are some

472
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:55,280
Speaker 3: people who really do understand the impact that they have

473
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 3: had on their partner and they change.

474
00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,000
Speaker 2: And there are a lot of.

475
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,240
Speaker 3: People who actually do look at themselves and do realize

476
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:03,120
Speaker 3: that I really do have a problem that I have

477
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:03,720
Speaker 3: to address.

478
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:06,480
Speaker 2: So no, it's not guarantee that they'll cheat again.

479
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: Miskidning. Can I ask you a question, how how's that

480
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:10,680
Speaker 1: a mistake?

481
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:16,080
Speaker 3: Well, let me be light on this, Okay, there are

482
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:17,680
Speaker 3: certain if we look at the root of it.

483
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,520
Speaker 2: Sometimes people are under the influence.

484
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:23,160
Speaker 3: Sometimes they get too drunk and they really do engage

485
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 3: in something they're not supposed to. A lot of times

486
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,320
Speaker 3: they can't even recall. The ones who did not make

487
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,840
Speaker 3: the mistake where it was a conscious decision. Are the

488
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,040
Speaker 3: ones who are just simply looking for the thrill again

489
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,880
Speaker 3: to see if they have it, trying to relive experiences

490
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,959
Speaker 3: that they had before, or are taking out the challenge

491
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,680
Speaker 3: their anger from their partner or the marriage or relationship

492
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 3: and putting it into a different situation. The selfish people,

493
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,160
Speaker 3: those are the ones who didn't make a mistake. When

494
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,000
Speaker 3: we be light on that term mistake, Oh god.

495
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,800
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, because I'm trying to figure out you know,

496
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:53,960
Speaker 1: it's not like the beeeness of just walking down the

497
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:58,000
Speaker 1: street fell in a hole. You know, you gotta set

498
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,680
Speaker 1: that thing up. So I made a mistake. You know,

499
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:08,040
Speaker 1: I'm looking at you out of one eye, and you know,

500
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 1: the serial cheater. And again I believe that you know,

501
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:17,560
Speaker 1: whether it's same sex relationships, had little sexual relationships. If

502
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:21,480
Speaker 1: you are the partner holding the belief this is too

503
00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:24,120
Speaker 1: good to be true, I can't have what I want

504
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:28,800
Speaker 1: if you have a history a betrayal, abandonment. I think

505
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,720
Speaker 1: that you're going to attract somebody that gives you the

506
00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 1: opportunity to create a clear boundary and to say no.

507
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:42,040
Speaker 1: In terms of domestic violence, I lived in it. So

508
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 1: when I married it, you know, it took me a

509
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:46,720
Speaker 1: minute to get it. But when I got it, I

510
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 1: got it. You know, I lived in a household where

511
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:53,200
Speaker 1: there was domestic violence. I also lived in a household

512
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 1: where punishment or discipline of me, my brother, my sister,

513
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:06,640
Speaker 1: as children was viol So whenever the partner was disturbed

514
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 1: or upset or whatever, the violence that came was familiar

515
00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 1: to me, and I think that's true for a lot

516
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:19,000
Speaker 1: of people. Let's talk about walk away under what circumstances?

517
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:22,760
Speaker 1: Is it like I'm out and I ain't coming back

518
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,520
Speaker 1: ever on the fifth of never, and will I be

519
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:33,479
Speaker 1: back here? Yeah, I'm out, I'm done. No. How do

520
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,720
Speaker 1: you know that it's time to walk away?

521
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:41,479
Speaker 3: When there's a direct violation of your boundaries, When you

522
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:46,040
Speaker 3: realize that there is a lack of compatibility with the

523
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 3: majority of the values that you have, if you know

524
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:53,800
Speaker 3: your own values, When there is a deep form of

525
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 3: emotional abuse, meaning maybe a person is constantly talking to

526
00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 3: you in a condescending manner, This is ongoing patronizing, calling

527
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:07,760
Speaker 3: you names, things like that, threats, I think that's when

528
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,200
Speaker 3: it's time for you to realize you have to walk away.

529
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,280
Speaker 3: I'm not saying these are things that you can't work through.

530
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,560
Speaker 3: I'm saying that it takes a lot of self abandonment

531
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,280
Speaker 3: and a lot of sacrifice to stay in those situations.

532
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 3: When you realize that you have had to sacrifice your

533
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:26,640
Speaker 3: own happiness to maintain any sense of harmony in that

534
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:31,040
Speaker 3: relationship or marriage, and you realize that no matter what

535
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 3: you do, you cannot get it back. It's time for

536
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 3: you to walk away. I do believe that. As you

537
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:41,160
Speaker 3: said before, serial cheating is a no no. Yeah, maybe

538
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:44,880
Speaker 3: one time you can recover. Multiple times you need to

539
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:49,560
Speaker 3: walk away. There's foundational problems that you have within your

540
00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:52,400
Speaker 3: relationship or your marriage, and those are typic things you

541
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 3: cannot resolve.

542
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:56,360
Speaker 2: And then the other thing.

543
00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:58,520
Speaker 3: I feel like it's time to walk away when there

544
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:03,400
Speaker 3: is when there's a lot of influence outside of your

545
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:06,440
Speaker 3: relational or marital dynamic. I think that's when it's time

546
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:08,560
Speaker 3: for you to walk away as well. When the influence

547
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,280
Speaker 3: is taken over you all's decision making as a couple,

548
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,200
Speaker 3: it's taking over the security, the stability, it's time for

549
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 3: you to walk away.

550
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,240
Speaker 1: What do you mean outside influence like the mother in law,

551
00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:21,000
Speaker 1: the best friend, those.

552
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 3: Kinds like codependent friendships and codependent in laws. For sure,

553
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:28,480
Speaker 3: those are the ones who typically impede and cause problems.

554
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:35,120
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, I hope you all are getting us.

555
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:37,880
Speaker 1: I got like sheets of paper here I'm writing down

556
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:43,080
Speaker 1: you know, I want to talk about this one because

557
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:46,000
Speaker 1: this one is I don't know if this is a

558
00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 1: walk away, if this is a fix it? What is

559
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,400
Speaker 1: this one? But you've been in a relationship for a

560
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,920
Speaker 1: while and then you go to bed Sunday night and

561
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:58,520
Speaker 1: you wake up Monday, and there's like this disconnect when

562
00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:01,920
Speaker 1: you all are just together doing what you do, but

563
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 1: there's no intimacy, there's no communication, there's no I don't know.

564
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:10,600
Speaker 1: It's like I call it the emotional disconnect. I think

565
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,600
Speaker 1: if a couple is fighting, if they you know, have

566
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 1: those points of rub and they can fight and fight fairly,

567
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 1: if they still have you know, just passionate, wild connection

568
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:28,080
Speaker 1: to one another even if they're fighting, I think that's okay.

569
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,920
Speaker 1: It's when that indifference settles in, when you just become

570
00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:35,839
Speaker 1: indifferent and you're just existing, Well, how do you deal

571
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:40,000
Speaker 1: with that? What happens is it usually happens, you know, ten, fifteen,

572
00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:44,680
Speaker 1: twenty years, and people are reluctant to disrupt their life.

573
00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:48,200
Speaker 1: So how do you manage an emotional disconnect?

574
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:52,640
Speaker 3: I think the dynamic that you're speaking of is the

575
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:58,520
Speaker 3: withdrawal withdrawal dynamic, with both partners being withdrawn. When both

576
00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:02,160
Speaker 3: partners are withdrawn, that's the dynamic that's really hard to

577
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:06,320
Speaker 3: come back from. Yeah, there is so much emotional space

578
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,720
Speaker 3: that it's and it doesn't have to be emotional tension.

579
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,840
Speaker 3: Like some people have accepted the fact that we're just

580
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:14,319
Speaker 3: here for either the children because we live together. We're

581
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:16,840
Speaker 3: trying to get through the lease. We've been together for

582
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:19,000
Speaker 3: so long, we just don't want to start over. But

583
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:20,920
Speaker 3: then there's going to be that, like you said, that

584
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,840
Speaker 3: lack of emotional intimacy, conversations are going to be different.

585
00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:28,280
Speaker 2: The friendship, it's probably going to be gone as well.

586
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,920
Speaker 3: Desire, things like that, appreciation, all of those are gone

587
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:35,520
Speaker 3: at that point when you are that far withdrawn, because

588
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:37,960
Speaker 3: somebody has to become the pursuing again. But you don't

589
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:39,759
Speaker 3: want it to feel one sided, and a lot of

590
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:43,319
Speaker 3: people won't give up that to start over. I think

591
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:47,799
Speaker 3: that once both partners are withdrawn, I think it's really

592
00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:49,440
Speaker 3: time for you all to decide what's going to be

593
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:54,480
Speaker 3: best for your relationship and meaning. I think it's time

594
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,719
Speaker 3: if you are to just walk away now. If there

595
00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 3: is a pursue withdrawn dynamic where one person is still fighting,

596
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:03,839
Speaker 3: maybe so, but then we have to figure out why

597
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:05,440
Speaker 3: that other partner is so withdrawn.

598
00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:06,440
Speaker 1: What happened.

599
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,160
Speaker 2: Is this a personal issue?

600
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:12,240
Speaker 3: Is it something that happened within your relationship for your marriage,

601
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,439
Speaker 3: and is it something that you feel you can put

602
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,520
Speaker 3: in the efforts and do the work to actually bring

603
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:20,000
Speaker 3: back because it still takes intentionality, and usually when both

604
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:22,600
Speaker 3: people are withdrawing, they're not trying to be intentional to

605
00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:25,600
Speaker 3: fixing the problems because it's probably problems that have just

606
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,880
Speaker 3: been swept under the rug for a long time that

607
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:28,920
Speaker 3: haven't been addressed.

608
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:35,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, I let's talk for a moment about emotional intimacy,

609
00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:39,600
Speaker 1: because I think people can have emotional intimacy when they

610
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:41,520
Speaker 1: don't have physical intimacy.

611
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:42,960
Speaker 2: Yes, is that po?

612
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:47,080
Speaker 1: Okay, let's talk about what is emotional intimacy, because the

613
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 1: other flip side of that is you can have the

614
00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:55,960
Speaker 1: physical intimacy without the emotional intimacy. That's still that's that's bad.

615
00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 2: It is it is so emotionalcy is like that.

616
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:08,520
Speaker 3: Out of all forms of intimacy physical, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, financial,

617
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:13,160
Speaker 3: social intimacy, emotional intimacy is the core of that. So

618
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 3: your ability to be able to connect with a person

619
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:19,120
Speaker 3: outside of you on an emotional level, that means us

620
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:22,080
Speaker 3: being able to have safe conversations, being able to have

621
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:26,359
Speaker 3: vulnerable moments, having conversations about how we feel, working through

622
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:31,600
Speaker 3: conflict while honoring our emotions, having empathy, being understanding, validating

623
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:35,600
Speaker 3: one another, given reassurance. All of that is important. How

624
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,439
Speaker 3: we regulating each other when we go through problems, how

625
00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:42,560
Speaker 3: we being coregulators. Those foundational things are important. If you

626
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:46,080
Speaker 3: do not have emotional intimacy, it's going to threaten that

627
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:49,480
Speaker 3: physical intimacy as well, because if I cannot connect with

628
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:53,800
Speaker 3: you on a human level going through these emotional processes,

629
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,319
Speaker 3: then everything's going to feel like an obligation.

630
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:57,279
Speaker 2: At that point.

631
00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:00,040
Speaker 3: It's going to feel like I'm obligated to do so

632
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:00,799
Speaker 3: so right now.

633
00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:01,600
Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong.

634
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 3: Physical intimacy, as far as like being able to cuddle

635
00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:06,680
Speaker 3: in things like that, you can do that, but someone's

636
00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:09,160
Speaker 3: going to bear some type of resentment of not being

637
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:13,360
Speaker 3: able to deepening that connection or that relationship. And I

638
00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 3: think that as far as like outside of physical sexual intimacy,

639
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,440
Speaker 3: I think that's usually is going to be one sided

640
00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:22,239
Speaker 3: if there's a lack of emotional intimacy, because somebody's going

641
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,800
Speaker 3: to feel like it's just a chore the other person

642
00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:25,400
Speaker 3: enjoys it.

643
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:31,440
Speaker 1: Right, mss Kendy. I have an interesting exercise. Let's build

644
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: a relationship. Let's you and I build a relationship on paper. Okay,

645
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,880
Speaker 1: oh okay? What what would we need in this relationship?

646
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:45,520
Speaker 1: Let's let's what would what would be the first ingredient

647
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:50,000
Speaker 1: in us building a healthy relationship? What would that be?

648
00:38:50,719 --> 00:38:53,560
Speaker 2: That's incompatibility? Comp values?

649
00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:56,760
Speaker 1: Okay, compatibly wit a minute, I'm writing it down because

650
00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:00,719
Speaker 1: I might need this list one day. Compatibility What does

651
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:03,120
Speaker 1: that mean? I like you? You like me? What? What does

652
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:04,040
Speaker 1: that mean? Oh?

653
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,880
Speaker 3: It's so much zeper than that. Let's connect on our values.

654
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,160
Speaker 3: We need to know what we value. You know, do

655
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:17,799
Speaker 3: you value stability, security, financial stability, provision, family, spirituality, religion.

656
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:21,440
Speaker 3: Let's talk deep and let's understand the root of our values.

657
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:24,400
Speaker 3: So that means we need to understand family dynamics as well.

658
00:39:24,719 --> 00:39:27,600
Speaker 3: What type of family did you come from? Did you

659
00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:30,680
Speaker 3: come from a family where everyone was considered was Did

660
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 3: you have an authoritative family or an authoritarian who was

661
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:38,640
Speaker 3: more about punishment rather than discipline. Let's talk those things

662
00:39:38,719 --> 00:39:44,040
Speaker 3: before we actually create this relationship first, and then let's

663
00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:48,799
Speaker 3: talk standards expectations as well. We can't come in with

664
00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:51,960
Speaker 3: this full list of standards. We need to break it

665
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:56,480
Speaker 3: all the way down. What are my non negotiables. We're

666
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:58,480
Speaker 3: not talking about how you what you wear and how

667
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:01,040
Speaker 3: you dress and stuff, but let look at the very

668
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 3: things that are going to threaten my own personal stability

669
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:08,080
Speaker 3: in my own life. Let's talk those things first. That's

670
00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:13,160
Speaker 3: the first key. Compatibility, Because a lot of people see

671
00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:15,279
Speaker 3: chemistry and forget compatibility.

672
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:16,800
Speaker 2: Sexual chemistry means nothing.

673
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:21,959
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, so we got compatible. We're building a relationship, y'all,

674
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:26,600
Speaker 1: get your pencils. We're building a relationship. So compatibility that

675
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:30,920
Speaker 1: means our values compatible. Do we have a family history

676
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:37,440
Speaker 1: that creates certain propensities or how do we value family?

677
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:42,480
Speaker 1: What are our standards? You mean personal standards, individual life standards?

678
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 3: What kind of standards we're gonna say, personal and romantic standards? Okay, Oh,

679
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:52,719
Speaker 3: because we have to honor ourselves too, So we have

680
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:54,800
Speaker 3: to make sure that whatever it is that we're asking

681
00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:57,360
Speaker 3: for is honoring what it is that we truly need

682
00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:00,759
Speaker 3: in our life, not just our desires. It's measuring out

683
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:04,319
Speaker 3: desires and needs. So sometimes people come through with this

684
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:07,600
Speaker 3: laundry list of standards, right, and it's because they're coming

685
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:10,360
Speaker 3: from a desperate place. So if you ever think about it,

686
00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:12,600
Speaker 3: if you go into a grocery store and you're starving,

687
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:15,880
Speaker 3: you're going to select based off of the starvation that

688
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:17,720
Speaker 3: you have, So you're gonna pick for everything.

689
00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:19,200
Speaker 2: You're writing down everything I want this.

690
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:23,719
Speaker 3: Five hundred things, versus if you go and you are

691
00:41:23,719 --> 00:41:25,880
Speaker 3: truly fulfilled with yourself, which is what a lot of

692
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:27,960
Speaker 3: people don't do, and that's why they have these long

693
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,719
Speaker 3: lists of standards that people can't meet. If you are

694
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:32,880
Speaker 3: a person who is not coming from a desperate place,

695
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:36,200
Speaker 3: you have done so many great things for yourself, you're fulfilled.

696
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:40,920
Speaker 3: You just really need romantic attributes and things like that. Now,

697
00:41:41,239 --> 00:41:43,200
Speaker 3: then you're not. If you think about a person who

698
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 3: is fully fed, they going to store, They're going to

699
00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:47,760
Speaker 3: go in for what they need, not just the things

700
00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:50,280
Speaker 3: that they want, what they need, their list is shorter.

701
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:54,880
Speaker 3: It's the same way in romantic relationships. Fulfill yourself first,

702
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,680
Speaker 3: so the things that you are asking of somebody are

703
00:41:57,719 --> 00:42:01,799
Speaker 3: literally just a compliment. Sometimes people create standards to try

704
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:05,240
Speaker 3: to change people. If you're asking for someone who's well traveled,

705
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:07,480
Speaker 3: what if this person doesn't value adventure like you do,

706
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:11,399
Speaker 3: then what right and then what so you throw them

707
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:13,920
Speaker 3: off that If that's just something that you absolutely cannot

708
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:18,719
Speaker 3: compromise with, that's understanding. But some people's standards are not realistic.

709
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:21,799
Speaker 3: They're asking for people to change, and that's why they

710
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:25,040
Speaker 3: can't stick whenever they connect with somebody. The list doesn't

711
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:28,040
Speaker 3: have to be long. Create the things that you truly need. First,

712
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:31,879
Speaker 3: go through and see if you have any repetitives. Only

713
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:34,560
Speaker 3: the things that you know are going to compliment you first,

714
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,040
Speaker 3: and then add on those things that you would just

715
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:39,920
Speaker 3: won't if it's not coming from a desperate place. When

716
00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:44,560
Speaker 3: we get desperate for love and companionship and things like that,

717
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:48,879
Speaker 3: sometimes we get unrealistic with ourselves. And I think that's

718
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:50,160
Speaker 3: what a lot of people struggle with.

719
00:42:50,719 --> 00:42:53,640
Speaker 1: You know, at my age, my list is short, alive

720
00:42:57,719 --> 00:43:06,920
Speaker 1: with your own teeth, and you know, I think people

721
00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:11,920
Speaker 1: can want what they want and need what they need, but.

722
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:16,200
Speaker 3: It's okay to desire it. Not being realistic with yourself

723
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:16,960
Speaker 3: is a problem.

724
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:20,120
Speaker 1: But there's so many women who don't think that that

725
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 1: is unrealistic.

726
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:29,680
Speaker 3: And that's unfortunate. Once again, radical acceptance. They don't accept

727
00:43:29,680 --> 00:43:32,239
Speaker 3: reality for what it is. This is a reality, this

728
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:33,040
Speaker 3: is your life.

729
00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:38,560
Speaker 1: Now on the flip side, our brother, easy money, he says.

730
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:41,680
Speaker 1: If I'm paying the bills and paying the rent and

731
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:43,640
Speaker 1: taking care of you and you don't have to work,

732
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:46,239
Speaker 1: just shut up and spread your legs. That's all I

733
00:43:46,320 --> 00:43:48,160
Speaker 1: need you to do. Don't ask me nothing.

734
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:52,399
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, don that sounds so dehumanizing.

735
00:43:52,719 --> 00:43:55,520
Speaker 1: Oh but do you know how many women will do

736
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:59,040
Speaker 1: that to get the rent paid and have fancy shoes?

737
00:43:59,080 --> 00:43:59,600
Speaker 1: Do you know how?

738
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:03,359
Speaker 3: May I know how many are willing to make that sacrifice?

739
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:06,560
Speaker 3: You know what, if it floats your boat, then go

740
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:07,000
Speaker 3: for it.

741
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:07,320
Speaker 2: I guess.

742
00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:10,000
Speaker 1: But what's the standard in that?

743
00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:11,480
Speaker 2: I think those are.

744
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 3: I think those are immature and unrealistic standards, to be honest,

745
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:20,520
Speaker 3: because that's exactly those standards right there that create perpetual

746
00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:23,760
Speaker 3: problems with couples. Those are the problems that are simply

747
00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:28,200
Speaker 3: based in value and differences of personality and things like that.

748
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:32,160
Speaker 3: If we come in and we're asking for I hate

749
00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:34,480
Speaker 3: to say it, we're asking for things that are not

750
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 3: going to hold any weight in a relationship. Eventually, it's

751
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:43,040
Speaker 3: going to create problems and somebody's going to start resenting somebody. Okay, No,

752
00:44:43,239 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 3: I think that when we whenever we talk about standards.

753
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:50,000
Speaker 3: It needs to be prioritized. What are the things that

754
00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:54,920
Speaker 3: are going to create longevity and peace and a healthy relationship.

755
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,120
Speaker 3: Simply shutting up and spread of your legs is objectifying

756
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 3: and dehumanizing. No, someone's going to be upset. Tell somebody

757
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:05,560
Speaker 3: that they have to be well traveled. That's okay if

758
00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:07,719
Speaker 3: you desire that, But you also can do those things

759
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:08,320
Speaker 3: with the person.

760
00:45:08,560 --> 00:45:15,520
Speaker 1: Okay, let's continue building our relationship compatibility of value, standards, expectations,

761
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:19,719
Speaker 1: What are your non negotiables, what are your personal and

762
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:25,480
Speaker 1: romantic standards? What's your family history? How does family measure

763
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:28,759
Speaker 1: into this? What else do we need to build our relationship?

764
00:45:29,239 --> 00:45:32,360
Speaker 3: Boundaries? And also what's your relationship with yourself?

765
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,760
Speaker 1: Okay, yourself? Well the odd to people that are building

766
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:39,120
Speaker 1: this relationship, they pretty good with they.

767
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:40,800
Speaker 2: Sell they're pretty okay.

768
00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:46,440
Speaker 1: Okay, bound boundaries what about well, you know, boundaries, I

769
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:50,200
Speaker 1: say agreements. Do we agree to be monogamous? Do we

770
00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:54,400
Speaker 1: agree not to withhold secrets? Do we agree? You know?

771
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:55,680
Speaker 1: And that could be a boundary.

772
00:45:56,239 --> 00:45:58,120
Speaker 3: So then that takes us back to our values and

773
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:01,799
Speaker 3: our moral compass. Definitely that because you need to make

774
00:46:01,800 --> 00:46:03,600
Speaker 3: sure that neither one of you all has a faulty

775
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:07,560
Speaker 3: moral compass. So let's talk about the importance of these things.

776
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:11,120
Speaker 3: If do you believe that cheating is wrong. If a

777
00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:14,840
Speaker 3: person says, well, if you're a person who believes that

778
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:17,319
Speaker 3: cheating is immral, and that other person's like, well, it

779
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:21,120
Speaker 3: all depends. Okay, there's going to be some conflicts and

780
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:23,840
Speaker 3: morals right there. So I think those things need to

781
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:27,600
Speaker 3: be talked about as well. The importance of things lying, honesty,

782
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:29,680
Speaker 3: fidelity versus infidelity.

783
00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:32,560
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I call those deal breakers.

784
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:33,600
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

785
00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:36,480
Speaker 1: I say you go in with your three deal breakers.

786
00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:39,600
Speaker 1: Cheating is a deal breaker for me. Calling me out

787
00:46:39,640 --> 00:46:42,279
Speaker 1: my name is a deal breaker lutely and messing with

788
00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:46,799
Speaker 1: my money. Don't put your hands in my person or

789
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,520
Speaker 1: your signature on my check or yeah you know, and

790
00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:55,040
Speaker 1: I'm giving, We can share, we can support. I just

791
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:59,120
Speaker 1: don't do that, okay, miss Kitty. Well, we got our

792
00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:03,839
Speaker 1: things here with We built our relationship on compatibility, values,

793
00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:10,319
Speaker 1: family history, standards, expectations. You know, I want to talk

794
00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:13,120
Speaker 1: about communication, but we'd be here for another two hours.

795
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:15,800
Speaker 1: That means I'm just gonna have to have you come back.

796
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:21,560
Speaker 1: Effective communication in a relationship, Oh my god. But I

797
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:24,239
Speaker 1: want to do some rapid fire questions with you. Yeah,

798
00:47:24,719 --> 00:47:28,759
Speaker 1: all right? Why would a woman settle for being the

799
00:47:28,880 --> 00:47:29,480
Speaker 1: other woman?

800
00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:31,359
Speaker 2: Love? Self? Work?

801
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:37,520
Speaker 1: What do you look for to determine whether your partner

802
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:39,960
Speaker 1: has withdrawn or not withdrawn, you know, when they're not

803
00:47:40,080 --> 00:47:42,200
Speaker 1: present in the relationship. What do you look for?

804
00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:52,240
Speaker 3: Lack of conversation, lack of emotional presence, negative talk towards

805
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:58,839
Speaker 3: each other, negative conversations, constant criticisms, constant complaints of not

806
00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 3: receiving enough valadays, enough reassurance yep, and them starting to

807
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:07,680
Speaker 3: engage in hobbies and more interests outside of you that

808
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:08,480
Speaker 3: don't include you.

809
00:48:10,239 --> 00:48:13,120
Speaker 1: How do you know that your partner is controlling?

810
00:48:14,760 --> 00:48:16,840
Speaker 3: They try to change you, They try to change you

811
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:20,160
Speaker 3: to conform to what they desire of you. They try

812
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:23,400
Speaker 3: to they over they end up, you know, constantly monitoring,

813
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,120
Speaker 3: like your engagements with your friends, with your family, what

814
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:31,919
Speaker 3: you wear, you know, education, academics, things like that. Those

815
00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:34,120
Speaker 3: show signs of controlling behaviors.

816
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:38,400
Speaker 1: Okay, how do you handle if your partner wants you

817
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,680
Speaker 1: to do some freaky dicky stuff in the bedroom and

818
00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:42,120
Speaker 1: you don't want to do it? What do you do?

819
00:48:42,719 --> 00:48:44,800
Speaker 2: You can be passive, You just have to be assertive.

820
00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:47,240
Speaker 3: And just tell them what it is that you don't

821
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:50,160
Speaker 3: like and what it is that you don't desire. Not

822
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:52,400
Speaker 3: saying that you can't compromise, but if it's something that

823
00:48:52,440 --> 00:48:54,880
Speaker 3: you're absolutely uncomfortable with and you know that you're not

824
00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:58,520
Speaker 3: willing to compromise on that or whatever the internal conflict is,

825
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:00,200
Speaker 3: you just have to speak on it and be well,

826
00:49:00,719 --> 00:49:03,319
Speaker 3: just be be prepared for the objection because you're going

827
00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:03,880
Speaker 3: to receive it.

828
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:08,600
Speaker 1: Whose responsibility is it to check the X? If the

829
00:49:08,640 --> 00:49:12,440
Speaker 1: AX is showing up in a crazy way? Who's responsibility

830
00:49:12,560 --> 00:49:15,720
Speaker 1: is it to check the X? Is it the ex partner?

831
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:18,640
Speaker 1: Or is it the partners you know what I mean.

832
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:22,160
Speaker 3: The person who had the relationship with them. It's their responsibility.

833
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:28,000
Speaker 1: Okay, a meddling mother in law, how do you manage that?

834
00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:33,319
Speaker 3: You talk to the child, that mother's child, You speak

835
00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:35,920
Speaker 3: to whoever your partner is, and you tell them exactly

836
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:38,640
Speaker 3: what problems you're having, and you both need to sit

837
00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:41,720
Speaker 3: down and talk about boundaries that you need to create

838
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:44,799
Speaker 3: with that mother in law. If it doesn't, if that

839
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:46,759
Speaker 3: person feels uncomfortable, you're going to have to be the

840
00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:49,800
Speaker 3: person to have a conversation. And if for any reason,

841
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:52,279
Speaker 3: she still doesn't respect it, because a lot of codependent

842
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:54,440
Speaker 3: mother in laws will not respect the boundaries that you

843
00:49:54,520 --> 00:49:58,400
Speaker 3: create because it doesn't it doesn't benefit them. Then in

844
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:00,160
Speaker 3: that moment, you have to go ahead and be firm

845
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:02,400
Speaker 3: on consequences and if you both are not in agreeance,

846
00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:07,320
Speaker 3: then you have to start reassessing that relationships.

847
00:50:07,880 --> 00:50:12,040
Speaker 1: That is a good one. I think that's wonderful. You

848
00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:14,720
Speaker 1: have given me some good stuff to work on, mis Kenny.

849
00:50:14,760 --> 00:50:17,520
Speaker 1: Where can people find you? Where can they hear from you?

850
00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:19,719
Speaker 1: If you're on tour with Where do they go to

851
00:50:19,760 --> 00:50:21,160
Speaker 1: find out about what you're doing?

852
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:24,080
Speaker 3: If they want to see me on tour either, I

853
00:50:24,120 --> 00:50:26,239
Speaker 3: have a moment to excel tour that is for all

854
00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:28,920
Speaker 3: women and we're working on self esteem, self security and

855
00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:31,480
Speaker 3: things like that. You can go to my website www.

856
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:34,560
Speaker 3: Dot kittiose dot com slash tour. If you want to

857
00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:36,560
Speaker 3: see me on Tonight's conversation, of course, you can go

858
00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:39,080
Speaker 3: to as metaphor dot shop, and then you can always

859
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:41,680
Speaker 3: find me on social media at Kitty j Rows on

860
00:50:41,719 --> 00:50:43,239
Speaker 3: all of my social media platforms.

861
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:46,160
Speaker 1: It has been a joy. I thank you so much.

862
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:48,080
Speaker 1: I got my list right here. I'm gonna put it

863
00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:50,919
Speaker 1: up on all and when people call me, I'm gonna say,

864
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:52,400
Speaker 1: did you do this? Did you do that?

865
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:55,920
Speaker 2: Well? Thank you so much for having me today.

866
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:58,280
Speaker 1: Thank you for the work you're doing in the world,

867
00:50:58,440 --> 00:51:01,040
Speaker 1: because the more work you do, less work I have

868
00:51:01,120 --> 00:51:06,720
Speaker 1: to do. And I appreciate that. Thank you, Miss Kinny,

869
00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:10,040
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. I hope that you heard something

870
00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:13,799
Speaker 1: here today that will help you and your relationships. Go

871
00:51:13,880 --> 00:51:16,560
Speaker 1: back and listen to this again. I have four sheets

872
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:18,879
Speaker 1: of paper, so I'm sure you should at least come

873
00:51:18,960 --> 00:51:21,680
Speaker 1: up with two here on the R Spot because we

874
00:51:21,719 --> 00:51:27,480
Speaker 1: want to support you and making your relationships healthier, joyful, peaceful,

875
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:33,040
Speaker 1: and self supportive. That's it for me today. I will

876
00:51:33,040 --> 00:51:35,720
Speaker 1: see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace

877
00:51:36,200 --> 00:51:42,960
Speaker 1: and not in pieces. Bye. The R Spot is a

878
00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:48,560
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more

879
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:54,040
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

880
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,840
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite show.