1 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 1: discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,120 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford, 5 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:24,680 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information 6 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:28,960 Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls 7 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to 8 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,159 Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to 9 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,400 Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental 10 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:47,519 Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me 11 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,760 Speaker 1: for session nineteen of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. 12 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 1: Today's episode is a special request from one of the 13 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: members of the Therapy for Black Girls Thrive Tribe. She 14 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,040 Speaker 1: wanted me to talk with you all of about how 15 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 1: to deal with difficult emotions and some of the self 16 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: destructive things we may get into after a breakup. Um, 17 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,320 Speaker 1: but I'm going to expand that a little bit because 18 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:13,240 Speaker 1: I don't think we only get into self destructive behaviors 19 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,639 Speaker 1: after a breakup. I think any time we're having trouble 20 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,920 Speaker 1: dealing with difficult emotions and that can be related to 21 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:23,320 Speaker 1: a breakup, it can be related to UM, grief and laws, 22 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:27,759 Speaker 1: related to something else. We've just had a really bad day, um, 23 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: anything that we're really struggling with and having trouble dealing 24 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,720 Speaker 1: with difficult emotions. I think we can oftentimes find ourselves 25 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:39,160 Speaker 1: UM engaging in some self destructive behaviors. And I think 26 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:43,120 Speaker 1: it's also important to think about the fact that what 27 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:47,040 Speaker 1: may be in self destructive behavior may not be something 28 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:51,440 Speaker 1: that's easily identifiable as self destructive. Right, So, sometimes we 29 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,120 Speaker 1: can engage in things that if we do them normally 30 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,200 Speaker 1: and you know, kind of sporadically, they are not so bad. 31 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 1: But if we're doing them to kind of on away 32 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: from other issues that we're having, then it may become 33 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 1: self destructive. So I think you can really think about 34 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: anything that our good sister Solange mentioned in Cranes in 35 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,040 Speaker 1: the Sky when we're thinking about the things we run 36 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: to to not deal with our problems. Um so, one 37 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,320 Speaker 1: of them is shopping. Um So going on shopping freezing, 38 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: you know, have a nose. It's incredibly easy to do 39 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,119 Speaker 1: that now with online shopping. Many people even have their 40 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,200 Speaker 1: credit card numbers memorized and things like that. So engaging 41 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:33,880 Speaker 1: in high levels of shopping to kind of distract ourselves 42 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,359 Speaker 1: from other things that are going on can be one 43 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,240 Speaker 1: type of self destructive behavior. UM drinking and other drugs, 44 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,720 Speaker 1: so kind of UM going beyond just kind of socially 45 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:48,480 Speaker 1: using alcohol and things like that into UM really trying 46 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: to numb the feelings and number the pain that you're 47 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:57,359 Speaker 1: experiencing by UM using alcohol or other drugs. We can 48 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: also try to number our feelings and number pain by 49 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:05,320 Speaker 1: engaging insects. UM. Another one that we may not often 50 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:09,040 Speaker 1: think about is moving UM. So a lot of times 51 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,880 Speaker 1: after UM there's been a major transition, so let's say 52 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:16,960 Speaker 1: a big breakup or UM, something has really kind of 53 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,640 Speaker 1: gone detrimental in our lives, we may think, Okay, if 54 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,240 Speaker 1: I just have a new change of scenery, then things 55 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,120 Speaker 1: will be better. And while you may get some momentary 56 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:32,800 Speaker 1: relief from a move, probably whatever you were moving away 57 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 1: from is actually going to just follow you to that 58 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: new city. So you do want to think about making 59 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 1: big decisions like that after you know something traumatic or 60 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,880 Speaker 1: really difficult has happened in your life, because a move 61 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:50,119 Speaker 1: is not necessarily going to be the answer. Another thing 62 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,720 Speaker 1: that we do that can become to self destructive is 63 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: throwing ourselves into work. UM. So again we talked about 64 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:00,520 Speaker 1: UM I believe on episode four, Session four, or when 65 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,200 Speaker 1: I talked about UM some of the reasons why we 66 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: miss depression. I talked about the fact that we often 67 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 1: throw ourselves into work, and because there's always work to 68 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 1: be done, we often feel that we have to work 69 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: twice as hard to get half the recognition. UM. It's 70 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:21,600 Speaker 1: very easy to find ourselves throwing throwing ourselves into more 71 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,680 Speaker 1: work to try to not deal with the other emotions. 72 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 1: And often there is UM some reward for that, right 73 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 1: you might get a promotion, or you might get some 74 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: more recognition at work, but then you are still not 75 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 1: actually dealing with whatever the issue is that you're trying 76 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:41,720 Speaker 1: to distract yourself from with the work. Another one is exercise. UM. 77 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,400 Speaker 1: And again, you know, exercise is great and I highly recommended. 78 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,600 Speaker 1: I think you should be doing some type of exercise 79 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,679 Speaker 1: on a pretty regular basis. But if you are throwing 80 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: yourself into exercise to distract from dealing with some other issue, 81 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,039 Speaker 1: then it's not the healthiest way that you could be 82 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,680 Speaker 1: dealing with it. UM. So it's great to try to 83 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,040 Speaker 1: train for a new five K or something like that. 84 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,400 Speaker 1: But all of the training in the world is still 85 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,240 Speaker 1: not going to make you forget about the X or 86 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,839 Speaker 1: forget that you've lost a significant other in your life. 87 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,800 Speaker 1: None of that will matter. Another way that we're trying 88 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,880 Speaker 1: to distract ourselves from dealing with difficult emotions is by 89 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 1: throwing ourselves into new relationships. UM. So, especially after a breakup. UM. 90 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 1: You know, you will often hear friends say the best 91 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,240 Speaker 1: way to get over and an old someone is to 92 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 1: put yourself under a new someone kind of thing, UM, 93 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 1: And that typically is not really good advice, y'all. So 94 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,719 Speaker 1: throwing yourself into some kind of new relationship, you know, 95 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 1: it's okay to kind of get to know someone else 96 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:46,800 Speaker 1: and um, to make new friends. That's never a bad thing. 97 00:05:47,279 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 1: But if you're again trying to distract yourself by just 98 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:52,679 Speaker 1: throwing yourself into a new relationship, then you're not actually 99 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 1: dealing with the issue. And one of the final ways 100 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 1: that we often can engage in some self destructive behavior 101 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,840 Speaker 1: you're to prevent from dealing with difficult emotions is through eating. UM. 102 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,839 Speaker 1: So you heard we talked about UM on session eighteen 103 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: in discussing emotional eating and eating disordered behavior. UM. Sometimes 104 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 1: we do try to use food to try to number 105 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,160 Speaker 1: the pain or this um emptiness that we're feeling. Sometimes 106 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:24,440 Speaker 1: we will literally try to feel that empty emptiness with food, UM, 107 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 1: which often does not work. UM. So you know, then 108 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:31,240 Speaker 1: you see yourself gaining weight that you didn't anticipate. UM, 109 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,040 Speaker 1: you find yourself moving a little slower, your sleep can 110 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:38,240 Speaker 1: become disturbed. UM. So lots of different ways that not 111 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: having a healthy relationship with food can impact you across UM, 112 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:47,119 Speaker 1: across different areas in your life. So we talked about 113 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,159 Speaker 1: the things that you know don't often work, but I 114 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 1: did want to give you some information about things that 115 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:57,720 Speaker 1: you could try to manage difficult emotions. So, you know, 116 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: we all have difficult days, different cool things that happen 117 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,719 Speaker 1: in our lives were human, but you do want to 118 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,360 Speaker 1: look at developing healthier coping strategies to deal with these 119 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 1: difficult issues instead of throwing yourself into maybe one of 120 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: the things that I previously mentioned. So this article will 121 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: of course be included in the show notes. You can 122 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,120 Speaker 1: find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot Com Session 123 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: nineteen UM. This article is called seven Tools for Managing 124 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: Overwhelming Emotions and it's written by Katie Brooks who is 125 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:32,440 Speaker 1: a licensed clinical social worker um SO. She gives seven 126 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: different tips that you can use to deal with difficult emotions. 127 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:40,200 Speaker 1: So the first one is putting it in perspective. Sometimes 128 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: when you take a step back and think about what's 129 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: really important to you, the problem that you're experiencing becomes 130 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,400 Speaker 1: very small. Ask yourself, will I still be in this 131 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 1: much pain in one week, a month, one year from now? 132 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: Well I remember this as significant when I die? Do 133 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 1: I want to remember this as something I spent all 134 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,440 Speaker 1: out of time on. So if you ask yourself that question, 135 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,160 Speaker 1: are those questions related to something that you feel like 136 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 1: you're struggling with? Often you will realize that the issue 137 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,760 Speaker 1: that you're dealing with is not something that will really 138 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:17,360 Speaker 1: matter in the long term. The second tips she offers 139 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,920 Speaker 1: is to engage in an act of self love. Many 140 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 1: people understand being physically ill and respected as painful. If 141 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: you get sick, oftentimes your loved ones will tell you 142 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: poor thing, go home and take a hot bath. But 143 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: there does tend to be a double standard when it 144 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,160 Speaker 1: comes to being in pain from emotions. If you don't 145 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: feel well emotionally, it can be tough to find an 146 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:43,520 Speaker 1: empathetic ear. We all get scared to share our emotions 147 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 1: At times, were ultimately afraid to hear suck it up 148 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 1: or get over it. These words do tend to do 149 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:54,320 Speaker 1: more harm than good. If you're not feeling well emotionally, 150 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,440 Speaker 1: she encourages you to engage in acts of self love 151 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,000 Speaker 1: as if you were physically ill. One of the things 152 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 1: that she suggests is um doing something that engages all 153 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: five of your senses, so in terms of sight, looking 154 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:14,320 Speaker 1: at a sunset, sound, listening to relaxing music, touch, getting 155 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: a massage or going to yoga, smell, engaging in aroma 156 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:23,320 Speaker 1: therapy and a nice hot bath and taste, eating something 157 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 1: that brings up good memories, or giving yourself a treat 158 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,200 Speaker 1: that you love. The third tip that she offers is 159 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:33,080 Speaker 1: putting a time limit on your emotions. When we're hurt, 160 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,240 Speaker 1: it's easy to get lost in the rabbit hole. In 161 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,960 Speaker 1: the rabbit hole, we become the emotions and thoughts that 162 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,439 Speaker 1: are plaguing us. We ruminate and get lost in trying 163 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,200 Speaker 1: to solve a problem that is often unsolvable. We feed 164 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 1: the emotion by believing the catastrophic thoughts that come up, 165 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,080 Speaker 1: like I hate him and myself for trusting him. He 166 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,640 Speaker 1: never liked me and was just using me the whole time. 167 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 1: I never want to see him again. I'm going to 168 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,439 Speaker 1: call his parents and tell him what a tell them 169 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 1: what a bad person is. Instead of letting these thoughts 170 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,160 Speaker 1: come and go, we might actually act on them. We 171 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,440 Speaker 1: feel so horrible that we avoid people, stay in bed 172 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,200 Speaker 1: for weeks at a time, drink too much, or eat 173 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:16,560 Speaker 1: too much. In order to avoid this, try putting a 174 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 1: limit on it. Tell yourself you're going to think or 175 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,680 Speaker 1: talk about this problem for only one hour or a day, 176 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: and so lose resolved or until you come to acceptance. 177 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,839 Speaker 1: Once the hour is over, choose an activity that is 178 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,720 Speaker 1: the opposite of the emotion you're feeling to change your mood. 179 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,480 Speaker 1: If you're sad, listen to happy music. If there is anger, 180 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 1: watch a comedy on YouTube. If you're stressed intent then 181 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,680 Speaker 1: go take a yoga class. Everyone deserves a break from 182 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 1: time to time. Do not let one area of your 183 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 1: life that is causing you pain and golf your entire world. 184 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,760 Speaker 1: You have the ultimate control over your happiness. The fourth 185 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 1: tip that she suggests is to let the negative energy 186 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:04,240 Speaker 1: pass through you. Negative emotion is just negative energy. It 187 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,839 Speaker 1: does not help to squash it down, numb it, or 188 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:10,080 Speaker 1: avoid it. The only way is to face it head 189 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,439 Speaker 1: on and allow it to pass through you. This takes 190 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: some bravery on your part. You must allow yourself to 191 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 1: feel the pain. There are some tools that can help you. 192 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,880 Speaker 1: While you do this, you can allow yourself to get 193 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,880 Speaker 1: the support you need. Oftentimes it is very difficult to 194 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: be vulnerable and admit to others that you're having a 195 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,160 Speaker 1: hard time in order to move the negative energy through 196 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,120 Speaker 1: your body. Though it does help to talk to another 197 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:40,599 Speaker 1: trusted person. You can also release the energy by exercising, 198 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,240 Speaker 1: writing in a journal. Are simply relaxing your body and 199 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 1: letting your preconceived notions of how it should be go. 200 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,720 Speaker 1: The fifth tips she offers is to observe the emotion. 201 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 1: You are, not the emotion or your thoughts. You can 202 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: take a step back and witness your thoughts and emotions. 203 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: You can take a step back and witness what your 204 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 1: thoughts and emotions do when there is a disturbance, Watch 205 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,800 Speaker 1: the thoughts of self talk get faster and ask you 206 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 1: to fix it or become abusive. Watch the emotion crescendo 207 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,920 Speaker 1: and dissipate. Do not avoid avoidance makes the emotion and 208 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: the thoughts louder. Allow yourself to have the emotion, don't 209 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 1: fight it, and don't escalate it by falling down the 210 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:29,840 Speaker 1: rabbit hole and attaching to the thoughts. Eventually it will pass. 211 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:32,840 Speaker 1: You do not really need to do anything for the 212 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: pain to subside. It will do that on its own. 213 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: By this, she does not mean that you should not 214 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: deal with your problems. By all means, take care of 215 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: yourself and your responsibilities. Just do not make decisions when 216 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,880 Speaker 1: you are in a heightened state. Wait until the emotion passes, 217 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 1: and then solve the problem. You will be able to 218 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 1: see much clearer once the intensity has lessened. The six 219 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 1: tip that she offers is to leay, distract, and then decide. 220 00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:06,160 Speaker 1: Many times, if we make a decision in the emotion, 221 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:10,560 Speaker 1: it will make it worse. Basically, any negative urge or 222 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,920 Speaker 1: craving last for about twenty to thirty minutes. It will 223 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 1: help you to delay your reaction for twenty to thirty minutes. 224 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: With a distraction, you can go to work, help someone else, 225 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 1: go for a walk, take a break from the trigger, 226 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:26,839 Speaker 1: read or watch a movie. Once the time is up, 227 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,679 Speaker 1: make a pros and count list as to whether your 228 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,840 Speaker 1: reaction is worth doing. Usually you'll decide not to react 229 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:38,000 Speaker 1: in the original way you had planned. For instance, slashing 230 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:41,319 Speaker 1: your excess tires because he lied to you probably won't 231 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,280 Speaker 1: seem like such a good idea of once some of 232 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,160 Speaker 1: the anger has passed and just a note. Even if 233 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,640 Speaker 1: it does still feel like a good idea, it's probably 234 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 1: not the best thing to do. The seventh tip that 235 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,400 Speaker 1: she offers is to become aware of your physical and 236 00:13:55,480 --> 00:14:00,200 Speaker 1: emotional vulnerabilities. Sometimes our emotions can get the best of 237 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,679 Speaker 1: us when we are not feeling well. Become aware of 238 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 1: your triggers. Ask yourself if you have any physical or 239 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: emotional vulnerabilities that make it difficult to manage your emotions. 240 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:18,280 Speaker 1: Some of these vulnerabilities are hunger, lack of sleep, injury, illness, stress, 241 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,960 Speaker 1: lack of support our crisis. If you notice that the 242 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: current problem is escalated due to one or more of 243 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,200 Speaker 1: these factors, you may want to try to take care 244 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: of the vulnerability first in order to prevent and manage 245 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 1: the escalation of your emotion. So these are excellent tips. 246 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 1: I believe that she offers to really help you deal 247 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,800 Speaker 1: with any kind of difficult emotion you may be experiencing, 248 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,200 Speaker 1: and again you can find all of those in the 249 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,600 Speaker 1: show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash 250 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,760 Speaker 1: Session nineteen. So today I do also have two different 251 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 1: on the porch questions, So we are going to get 252 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 1: into some feedback from some questions that you all sent in. 253 00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 1: If you have a question you like some feedback about, 254 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: please make sure to send it to podcasts at Therapy 255 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:06,680 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. Okay, so our first question, 256 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:14,080 Speaker 1: just a brief background. I am twenty six, employed, educated, 257 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,440 Speaker 1: preparing for law school, and have a relationship with God, 258 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:21,960 Speaker 1: but never had a boyfriend. I'm often described as driven 259 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 1: and intimidating by those who know me, and they insist 260 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: that this is the reason why I'm single, but I'm 261 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,240 Speaker 1: not sure at any rate. As a single black woman 262 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,680 Speaker 1: in d C, and for someone who is as type 263 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,840 Speaker 1: A as me, it is very difficult to date. I 264 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:41,000 Speaker 1: get that I've only dated a handful of guys since 265 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,760 Speaker 1: graduating from college. They all flopped because the guys would 266 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,360 Speaker 1: either ghost me for reasons I still don't know, or 267 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,160 Speaker 1: they ended up being well and not so good fit 268 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,840 Speaker 1: for me. I would go very long periods between dating, 269 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,760 Speaker 1: at least six months. This last time was very perplexing. 270 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 1: I met this guy I one night at a bar 271 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,280 Speaker 1: while out with my friend. His friend was trying to 272 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,960 Speaker 1: talk to my friend, so me and the guy had 273 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 1: an obligatory conversation, which actually turned out to be pleasant. 274 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,520 Speaker 1: We exchanged numbers, He reached out and asked me for 275 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,680 Speaker 1: a date. The date went well and it just went 276 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:22,200 Speaker 1: up from there. He took me out on more dates, 277 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,800 Speaker 1: texted me every single day, expressed to me how much 278 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,480 Speaker 1: he liked me and how glad he was he met me, 279 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:33,160 Speaker 1: and these conversations were regular. This lasted from April through 280 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: the beginning of June. Communications slowed down as he prepared 281 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:41,360 Speaker 1: for his exams. I totally understood and didn't see it 282 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,960 Speaker 1: as a big deal. He texted me when it was 283 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 1: over and told me about it. At this point, we 284 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,480 Speaker 1: hadn't really seen each other in a few weeks, so 285 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,000 Speaker 1: I asked him when he liked to hang out. He 286 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,720 Speaker 1: expressed that he's been really busy and apologized, but never 287 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 1: answered my question. I let it go. Then I noticed 288 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,160 Speaker 1: that was the one making the efforts to reach out. 289 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: I would text him and he would tell me that 290 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,480 Speaker 1: he was out with friends or that he was traveling, 291 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:11,080 Speaker 1: which is cool. He never once brought up wanting to 292 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 1: see me, though. One weekend he went to New York. 293 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 1: My friend, the same one who I was with the 294 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,760 Speaker 1: night I met him, was also in New York for 295 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,439 Speaker 1: her birthday. While talking to him, I mentioned that, and 296 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,440 Speaker 1: he seemed to get really excited. What is she doing? 297 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,480 Speaker 1: Where is she give her my number? I was so 298 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,439 Speaker 1: confused as to what was happening. I saw that he 299 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 1: was making a real effort to see my friend and 300 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,920 Speaker 1: not me. That was problematic. The last draw was when 301 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:42,800 Speaker 1: I invited him to a happy hour. I did so reluctantly, 302 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:46,200 Speaker 1: but wanted to give him one final chance. He didn't 303 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 1: show up or answer my text. My friend who ended 304 00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:53,360 Speaker 1: up getting his number in New York, also texted him. 305 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,280 Speaker 1: I was very upset by that. She knew how much 306 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,880 Speaker 1: I liked him because I talked to her about it. 307 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,159 Speaker 1: She knows more than any other person how excited I 308 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,680 Speaker 1: was about him because he seemed to be a good guy, 309 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,720 Speaker 1: and I hardly opened up to anyone because of fear 310 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,440 Speaker 1: of failure. But she did and saw nothing wrong with it. 311 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:15,320 Speaker 1: The next morning, he responded to me and apologized for 312 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,359 Speaker 1: showing for not showing up because he ended up getting 313 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: high with his coworker a female at his home and 314 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,399 Speaker 1: ended up passing out. I deleted his number. That was 315 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,800 Speaker 1: very disrespectful in my opinion. That was at the end 316 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: of June. I haven't heard from him since I do 317 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:34,640 Speaker 1: recognize that I may never get the closure I want 318 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 1: from him. I also recognized that this may not be 319 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,359 Speaker 1: because of anything I've done, because I've literally only gone 320 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:45,159 Speaker 1: with the flow, no matter how much I disagreed, not 321 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:50,280 Speaker 1: acknowledging my boundaries and preferences, or simply didn't understand. I 322 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 1: asked him once if we if he were no longer interested, 323 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,640 Speaker 1: and he said he was definitely still interested and apologized 324 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,880 Speaker 1: for his lack of attentiveness. But his actions led to this. 325 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,520 Speaker 1: Deep down inside, I knew it wasn't going to go far, 326 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,280 Speaker 1: but the things he said made me want to stick 327 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,200 Speaker 1: around to see if he would follow through. He didn't. 328 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,919 Speaker 1: I really just want to know what I did wrong, 329 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,399 Speaker 1: if anything, How do you go from liking me a 330 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: lot to falling off the face of the earth. Are 331 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 1: too simply disrespecting and disregarding me like that? Are trying 332 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,680 Speaker 1: to talk to my friend? I'm also upset with her 333 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,080 Speaker 1: and have pulled back because of the situation. He seems 334 00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 1: like a nice guy, polite, chivalrous and genuine. So is 335 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,600 Speaker 1: it something I did. I do not want to be 336 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,880 Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone who treats me like that, 337 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,920 Speaker 1: Yet it's still fresh and it hurts. It's just really confusing. 338 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 1: I want to be able to move forward without this 339 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 1: memory coming to mind and having me wonder why. Thanks 340 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:53,879 Speaker 1: in advance for your feedback, so I definitely have some 341 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 1: ideas and some feedback about this, and again really appreciate 342 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,600 Speaker 1: you writing. Um So, the first thing want to you 343 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 1: say is, UM, it's okay for us to still be 344 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:07,600 Speaker 1: fresh and for it to hurt. UM. It is definitely 345 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:11,000 Speaker 1: a human emotion, and when we get excited and UM 346 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 1: think that something is going to go somewhere, then it's 347 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,520 Speaker 1: okay for us to be hurt when that doesn't happen. 348 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,320 Speaker 1: But I do want to call your attention to some 349 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,679 Speaker 1: of the other things that you wrote in the letter. UM. So, 350 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:31,119 Speaker 1: you indicated very clearly for yourself that you did not 351 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:35,320 Speaker 1: acknowledge your boundaries and preferences, and that you knew that 352 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,960 Speaker 1: it wasn't going to go too far, but you continue 353 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,479 Speaker 1: to just see what would happen. UM. So I'm not 354 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 1: sure if you're making that comment because, UM, hindsight is 355 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:50,719 Speaker 1: and now you feel like, Okay, I should have known better. UM, 356 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,879 Speaker 1: But I do want you to pay attention to the 357 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,399 Speaker 1: fact that you indicated that you did not stick to 358 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,680 Speaker 1: your boundaries and your preferences. And I think a lot 359 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 1: of times as we find ourselves in disappointing and unhealthy 360 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:07,840 Speaker 1: situations because we don't stick to our boundaries and our 361 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:14,120 Speaker 1: expectations for what is what something is going to be. UM, 362 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,720 Speaker 1: it doesn't sound like you guys ever had any kind 363 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:21,040 Speaker 1: of conversation about being exclusive or or anything like that. 364 00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:23,120 Speaker 1: I mean, it does sound like he was very regular 365 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,119 Speaker 1: and talking with you and spending time with you in 366 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,400 Speaker 1: the beginning, but it doesn't sound like there was ever 367 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:33,400 Speaker 1: a conversation about him being exclusive. So when you asked him, UM, 368 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,200 Speaker 1: if you're still interested and he said he was within 369 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,200 Speaker 1: his behavior did not match up, then he was very 370 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 1: clearly giving you an answer. UM. So you know, we 371 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,160 Speaker 1: can kind of listen to people say whatever, but if 372 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,359 Speaker 1: their actions don't actually match up with those things, then 373 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:53,040 Speaker 1: it doesn't really matter what they say. So ultimately, I 374 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:57,000 Speaker 1: don't think that you did anything, UM to cause him 375 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,040 Speaker 1: to ghost you. UM. So I want you to be 376 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,399 Speaker 1: very careful now to take on responsibility and ownership for 377 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 1: issues that are not yours. UM. But I think the 378 00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:09,640 Speaker 1: fault lies with you in this situation by not honoring 379 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:14,600 Speaker 1: your own boundaries and expectations for a relationship. UM. And 380 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,640 Speaker 1: then in terms of the relationship with your friend, I'm 381 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,720 Speaker 1: not sure how close of a friend this was. It 382 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:23,160 Speaker 1: sounds like it was somebody you have been relatively close with. UM. 383 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,840 Speaker 1: I would maybe try to have another conversation with her 384 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:31,480 Speaker 1: if you haven't, to express your hurt related to this situation, UM, 385 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,399 Speaker 1: to see, you know, if there's something that you're missing here, 386 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:38,960 Speaker 1: or if there's some explanation that she has around UM. 387 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,760 Speaker 1: You know the communication with this guy that you felt 388 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,639 Speaker 1: was not okay. But I don't know that I would 389 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,040 Speaker 1: just cut off a friendship because of this guy who 390 00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:52,760 Speaker 1: ultimately didn't actually turn into anything. All right, And here 391 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,959 Speaker 1: is our second on the porch question. I am thirty 392 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,800 Speaker 1: three and I have started thinking about having children, but 393 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,440 Speaker 1: I am hesitant because of the way I was raised, 394 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 1: plus the general work of having children. I lived with 395 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 1: my mother and father, who were married twenty plus years, 396 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,199 Speaker 1: but we have never had a close relationship. She was 397 00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:16,439 Speaker 1: physically and mostly emotionally abusive and still is. About a 398 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 1: year ago, I spoke to her for the first time 399 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,120 Speaker 1: in over two years, and it did not end well. 400 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,440 Speaker 1: The gist of it is, at the end of the conversation, 401 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,119 Speaker 1: she said she didn't care. She died that night and 402 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 1: we didn't resolve it. I know our entire dynamic has 403 00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:33,719 Speaker 1: was affected by the way I relate to people, but 404 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,520 Speaker 1: I have never allowed myself to be completely closed off 405 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,160 Speaker 1: like she has always been, though I know I could 406 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,320 Speaker 1: be more open. It has taken time, but I am 407 00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 1: in a good place and really happy. I am worried 408 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,800 Speaker 1: that some of the trades she drilled into me might 409 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 1: manifest into my parenting. Every time I have reached out 410 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:55,200 Speaker 1: to her, it has ended in disaster. Should I even 411 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,000 Speaker 1: consider exploring or trying to resolve this or should I 412 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,480 Speaker 1: give up on this? I think my social conditioning has 413 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,320 Speaker 1: made me want to continue reaching out, although I haven't. 414 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 1: But I am aware of the anger and sadness she 415 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:10,880 Speaker 1: brings out each time. Considering she has in some way 416 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 1: been in my life, good or bad. Should I pursue 417 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:17,359 Speaker 1: this or resolves to not having that. I sometimes feel 418 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,600 Speaker 1: failure for not having that relationship, but I am also 419 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,560 Speaker 1: aware that it was not my doing. Guilt and the 420 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 1: feeling of failure in this relationship has been my problem 421 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,240 Speaker 1: more than my desire to be loved by her or 422 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 1: be around her. She has proven to be toxic. I 423 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,640 Speaker 1: would just like to be able to talk to her. 424 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,199 Speaker 1: So thank you so much again for writing in this 425 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:42,159 Speaker 1: letter for some feedback. UM. And in a way, I 426 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,840 Speaker 1: really feel like you have answered your own question here. UM. 427 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:49,080 Speaker 1: And you know, do know that sometimes UM, it just 428 00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:51,959 Speaker 1: helps for somebody to be able to reflect back to 429 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,440 Speaker 1: you what you've said. UM. And I feel like that's 430 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,359 Speaker 1: exactly what I'm going to be doing in terms of 431 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,320 Speaker 1: feedback for you. UM. So, if you've listened to the 432 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:04,120 Speaker 1: episode about Surviving Mama where I talked to Dr Thompson, UM, 433 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,960 Speaker 1: I think that if you haven't listened to that one, 434 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,119 Speaker 1: you definitely want to, because I think that she spoke 435 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,480 Speaker 1: to and highlighted a lot of the issues that you've 436 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:16,600 Speaker 1: written about here. Um, you describe your mom as toxic. Um, 437 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 1: it sounds like you've given her a lot of chances 438 00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:22,639 Speaker 1: to kind of have a better relationship with you, and 439 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,080 Speaker 1: it sounds like it's something that she just is really 440 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,960 Speaker 1: having difficulty doing. UM. And so I know that it 441 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 1: is very difficult to not try to make that about 442 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: ourselves when a relationship with a parent especially doesn't work. 443 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:39,120 Speaker 1: But again you said for yourself, I know that this 444 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,160 Speaker 1: is not my issue. So I do think that for 445 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:45,439 Speaker 1: you it will be really just trying to change some 446 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:49,359 Speaker 1: of the negative self talk around your responsibility in this 447 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:53,600 Speaker 1: relationship with your mother. UM. I would also really encourage 448 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:58,160 Speaker 1: you to do some therapy if you have not, because UM, 449 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:02,359 Speaker 1: difficult relationships with parents can really lead to a lot 450 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:07,119 Speaker 1: of UM difficulties with our self esteem. UM. And you know, 451 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,520 Speaker 1: when we think about our parents, who are the people 452 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,560 Speaker 1: who are supposed to love us and UM protect us 453 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,840 Speaker 1: and you know, not let anything bad's happen to us 454 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,960 Speaker 1: when we have difficult relationships with them and we can't 455 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: quite figure out why that is. It definitely can do 456 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: a number on our self esteem, on the self talk 457 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,720 Speaker 1: that we engage in ourselves with and it definitely can 458 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,639 Speaker 1: impact your parenting. UM. I do not want you to 459 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,560 Speaker 1: be worried, so worried that you're like, Okay, I don't 460 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,080 Speaker 1: know if I can even have a child, because I 461 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,439 Speaker 1: may not be able to be a good parent. I 462 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,920 Speaker 1: think the fact that you already have some awareness around 463 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,760 Speaker 1: this indicates that you're already in a much better place. 464 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,120 Speaker 1: But I do think it would be helpful for you 465 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,880 Speaker 1: if you have not UM to talk with the therapist 466 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,280 Speaker 1: to really kind of work through some of this and 467 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,280 Speaker 1: to help get some really good strategies for parenting, should 468 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,280 Speaker 1: you decide to do that in the future. So again, 469 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,080 Speaker 1: if you have any questions that you like some feedback about, 470 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,919 Speaker 1: please make sure to send those two podcasts at Therapy 471 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,720 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. And as you just heard 472 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:11,399 Speaker 1: me mention UM to the previous listener um, if you 473 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,280 Speaker 1: are looking for a therapist in your area, then do 474 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:17,720 Speaker 1: make sure to check out our new and approved directory. UM. 475 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:21,000 Speaker 1: So I've we've gone on undergone a makeover to try 476 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,800 Speaker 1: to make it a little easier for you to connect 477 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,399 Speaker 1: with therapists in your area, and please make sure that 478 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,040 Speaker 1: you're checking back soon, as I'm always trying to add 479 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 1: new therapists to the directory. You can find that at 480 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:36,440 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash directory. I absolutely 481 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:40,000 Speaker 1: always love hearing your thoughts about the episodes. I'm always 482 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,320 Speaker 1: really excited to see you guys sharing it with your 483 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 1: friends and stuff on social media, so please continue to 484 00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:48,040 Speaker 1: do that. Make sure to use the hashtag tv G 485 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,800 Speaker 1: in session. You can find us on Twitter at Therapy 486 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,240 Speaker 1: for the Number four be Girls, and you can find 487 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,520 Speaker 1: us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls. 488 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,800 Speaker 1: If you're looking to discussed the episodes or just other 489 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,000 Speaker 1: things that you're struggling with and you want a safe 490 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 1: place to kind of do that with other women who 491 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,919 Speaker 1: listen to the show, make sure to join the Thrive tribe. 492 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,360 Speaker 1: You can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot 493 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:16,000 Speaker 1: com backslash tribe. I'm looking forward to continue this conversation 494 00:28:16,040 --> 00:29:00,920 Speaker 1: with you all real soon. Take gig care. Four