1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:13,880 Speaker 1: Hi Guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch talks, 2 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 1: on you need therapy podcast. My name is a cat, 3 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,240 Speaker 1: I am the host and, if you're new, couch talks 4 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,760 Speaker 1: is the special bonus episode that comes out every Wednesday 5 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:26,160 Speaker 1: where I answer questions that listeners like you can send 6 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:30,920 Speaker 1: into Catherine at Union therapy PODCAST DOT com. And a 7 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 1: quick reminder before we get into the episode today that, 8 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,800 Speaker 1: as always, and especially on Wednesdays, this podcast does not 9 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,640 Speaker 1: serve as a replacement for therapy or mental health services, 10 00:00:42,159 --> 00:00:45,880 Speaker 1: but it might help you along your journey to creating 11 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,200 Speaker 1: the life that you you want, and that includes your 12 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:53,560 Speaker 1: mental health. So, as I mentioned on Monday in the Intro, 13 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,480 Speaker 1: I took a little break from the podcast, a little 14 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,160 Speaker 1: mini break, and it was so good for my soul 15 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: to just not have to worry about Um, making sure 16 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,679 Speaker 1: I got things in on time or making sure the 17 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,640 Speaker 1: episode was good or it honestly not even that I 18 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: worry about it so much. It was just good that 19 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 1: I didn't have to think about it. It's like when 20 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 1: you take a vacation from work. You might not hate 21 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,560 Speaker 1: your job, but it's nice to like, I don't have 22 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,639 Speaker 1: to think about anything. So thank you for being patient 23 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,000 Speaker 1: and hopefully some of you guys listen to the episodes 24 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,000 Speaker 1: that we put out because they are some of our 25 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,680 Speaker 1: favorite ones. And I know a lot of y'all don't 26 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,679 Speaker 1: listen to every episode and you miss some because, like, 27 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:31,200 Speaker 1: life happens and like there's plenty of podcasts that I love, 28 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,320 Speaker 1: but I might not listen to every episode. So hopefully, 29 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,399 Speaker 1: if you missed one of the ones, you were able 30 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,840 Speaker 1: to Um listen to it and got something out of it. Also, 31 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: sometimes I just like listening to episodes twice. You know 32 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,479 Speaker 1: when they're really good, you get something else out of them. So, 33 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:46,960 Speaker 1: on the little break, I will say that I did. 34 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,120 Speaker 1: I did think about the podcast and I have been 35 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 1: doing some thinking lately just in general about what I 36 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 1: want in the future for the podcast and what changes 37 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: I may want to make, and so stay tuned for 38 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 1: what I actually decide and all of that. But I 39 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: also want y'all's feedback. So I would like to hear 40 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 1: what you guys want, more of whether, Um, you like 41 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,079 Speaker 1: it more when I have guests on or whether there's 42 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 1: certain guests you want to have back on, or maybe 43 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 1: you like solo episodes or maybe you really hate when 44 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,080 Speaker 1: I do episodes by myself. I would love to know 45 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,920 Speaker 1: that and I would love to know why, like, what 46 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:24,640 Speaker 1: about that is so bad? In a kind loving way, 47 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,560 Speaker 1: I would like this feedback. And then, Um, do you 48 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 1: like couch talks or is it just kind of like 49 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,359 Speaker 1: background noise for you? Do you want more of me 50 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 1: answering direct questions, or maybe you want less of that? 51 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,800 Speaker 1: I'm very open. I just want to get the vibe 52 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 1: and I know what you guys are thinking because I 53 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: don't get to have conversations with you all back and forth. 54 00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 1: So just nice to you know. It's away for me 55 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,560 Speaker 1: to read the room, because I can't read the room 56 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:49,639 Speaker 1: right now because I'm literally in a room by myself. 57 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: I will say, though, I created this little office podcast 58 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:57,680 Speaker 1: room in my new house and it's so cool. I 59 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,640 Speaker 1: had one in my base, meant in my old house, 60 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: but when it was in the basement and just had 61 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,040 Speaker 1: a basement feel and Um, I never set it up 62 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,799 Speaker 1: fully because I knew I was going to end up moving, 63 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,600 Speaker 1: so I didn't want to put extra holes in the wall. 64 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,880 Speaker 1: And so this room I hung everything up. I hung 65 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: like my sound I don't know soundboards. What are they called? 66 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,680 Speaker 1: I soundproof the room and like I hung this curtain 67 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:25,120 Speaker 1: Rod with this like soundproof curtain and I just it's 68 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,640 Speaker 1: cute and it's fun. I don't know if I'M gonna 69 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,040 Speaker 1: keep it this way. I might want to turn it 70 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:32,640 Speaker 1: into Um, maybe a workout room or another spare bedroom 71 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,000 Speaker 1: in my future, but for right now I'm really thinking 72 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 1: it's pretty cool. And Yeah, I've never not recorded my 73 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: podcast on my living room couch, which now I wouldn't 74 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: be able to do that because my ceilings are higher 75 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: and I don't think it would sound very good if 76 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 1: I did that now. Anyway, you, if you haven't fallen 77 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:55,240 Speaker 1: to sleep yet, maybe we should get into that episode anyway. So, 78 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 1: if you're new to couch shocks, every week I will 79 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 1: usually will answer a question that one of you guys 80 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,960 Speaker 1: emails me. Again. That email is catherine at you need 81 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 1: therapy podcast dot com. These questions remain anonymous. I never 82 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 1: read your name and I sometimes even change information so 83 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 1: it has less ability to be tracked back to you, 84 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,480 Speaker 1: just because you know, I like to be safe and 85 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 1: I'm I'm about confidentiality. And so every week I answer 86 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,040 Speaker 1: a question and we do want usually, and so I'm 87 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,320 Speaker 1: going to read the question and then we're going to 88 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 1: talk about it after and what I like about these 89 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,280 Speaker 1: is you might not directly relate to, like the exact 90 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: thing that this person is talking about, but the theme 91 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,480 Speaker 1: of it, whether it's boundaries or relationships, which let's go together, 92 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: or eating disorders or addiction or career choice, like, you 93 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: might have something that is similar or something that might align. 94 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,000 Speaker 1: It might not just be the exact same situation. So 95 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,960 Speaker 1: I'm gonna read the email. This one's longer, so bear 96 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 1: with me. I want to read the whole thing because 97 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,840 Speaker 1: I thought it was nice and thought out and I'm 98 00:04:51,839 --> 00:04:54,359 Speaker 1: going to do that. So here do. Hi Cat, I 99 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,159 Speaker 1: have a few things I wanted to share today. First, 100 00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: thank you so much for the work that you do 101 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 1: to change the therapy stigma and start hard conversations. Listening 102 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,040 Speaker 1: to your podcast that I found through Emmy Brown shout 103 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 1: out inspired me to begin looking inward and doing the 104 00:05:08,279 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 1: hard work, which led me to go to therapy, leaving 105 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:15,360 Speaker 1: a toxic, abusive relationship and following my dream of becoming 106 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,760 Speaker 1: a therapist myself. I'll start my practicum in January so 107 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 1: I can finally see the light at the end of 108 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 1: the curriculum. Tunnel. I also met the sweetest man on 109 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,720 Speaker 1: earth and we just got engaged. I know that if 110 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,600 Speaker 1: I hadn't done the work to change a move from 111 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:32,840 Speaker 1: disorganized attachment to secure it never would have worked with him. 112 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,240 Speaker 1: I know I did the work, but you definitely inspired 113 00:05:35,279 --> 00:05:36,880 Speaker 1: me and I felt like I had a very long 114 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:42,040 Speaker 1: distance friend and supporter through it all. So thank you then. Finally, 115 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,920 Speaker 1: I have a question to ask. I have a friend 116 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,800 Speaker 1: that I have had since college and she's always been 117 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: one to Yo yo diet. During the time mentioned above, 118 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: I also struggled with disordered eating and was extremely unhappy 119 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,880 Speaker 1: with under eating and over exercising. After recovery from that, 120 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,559 Speaker 1: I have tried to be very body neutral and feel 121 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,920 Speaker 1: my body with what it wants and needs, and exercising 122 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 1: in a way that makes me happy. Now this friend 123 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,359 Speaker 1: has gotten engaged and started dieting to lose weight for 124 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:13,040 Speaker 1: the wedding, which has included cutting carbs, counting calories, labeling 125 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,640 Speaker 1: food is good and bad, feeling guilty for eating fries 126 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 1: and having literally no rest days. Since I exercise often 127 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,440 Speaker 1: and eat a decent amount of vegetables and cookies, L 128 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,160 Speaker 1: O l. She constantly sends me pictures and texts about 129 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,480 Speaker 1: her progress and how much weight she is losing so quickly. 130 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:30,560 Speaker 1: I've tried nicely to give her reminders that food isn't 131 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 1: good or bad and that she's allowed to rest and 132 00:06:32,279 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: eat freely, but she still sends the same thing and 133 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,960 Speaker 1: it has been very triggering for my body image, slash 134 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,719 Speaker 1: mental health. With that being said, how can I be 135 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: a good friend to her while also protecting myself? I 136 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,680 Speaker 1: hope you're having the day you need to have. Okay, 137 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,840 Speaker 1: Um at the end of the email and I want 138 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:49,600 Speaker 1: to comment on some things before we get into the 139 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 1: second part. But one that's so amazing one if you 140 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,080 Speaker 1: don't know who amy Brown is. I'm sure most of 141 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 1: you do, but she's the podcast network we're on shoots 142 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 1: the Amy Brown podcast network, and then she has a 143 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 1: podcast called four things with Amy Brown that I co 144 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,599 Speaker 1: host on Tuesdays with her, and she's awesome. She has 145 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:07,920 Speaker 1: a lot of great guests. She does a lot of 146 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,040 Speaker 1: stuff about mental health, but also, like she'll talk to 147 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,280 Speaker 1: you about like her scan routine and stuff like that. 148 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,240 Speaker 1: Like she's just well rounded. I guess it's a good 149 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: word for that, and so shout out to amy and 150 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: also that's so amazing that you went back to school 151 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:26,360 Speaker 1: become a therapist. I'm excited for you and congratulations on 152 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 1: the engagement. That's so exciting. Now to the second part. 153 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: So I do have some questions that I would ask 154 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: just for clarity if I was sitting with this person, 155 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: and I would clarify like, did you guys both find 156 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 1: a place of recovery together, or has she always dieted? 157 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,480 Speaker 1: dieted and you maybe we're in that space at one point, 158 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,200 Speaker 1: but now you've found a place of recovery, because I 159 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,920 Speaker 1: don't know if she's like reverting back to old behaviors 160 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,440 Speaker 1: that she's changed or this is just like her normal 161 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 1: um that hasn't changed. I'm just curious about that because 162 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 1: maybe the things that you're airing with her she's like yeah, yeah, yeah, 163 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,480 Speaker 1: but like they don't hit the same because she hasn't 164 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: ever been in that place where she really understands what 165 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,600 Speaker 1: it means to take morality out of food and all that. 166 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,720 Speaker 1: So That's information you might be able to give her. 167 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: She might not be in a place to hear it. 168 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 1: I think if you haven't talked to her about your 169 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 1: recovery process, that might be really important, because I know 170 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 1: one thing that is helpful in my life is my 171 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 1: friends might engage in things that I wouldn't do just 172 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 1: because of my history with eating and exercise, and so 173 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,480 Speaker 1: my friends know certain things about me and how I operate, 174 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 1: and so they're probably not going to share their diet 175 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,160 Speaker 1: plan with me because I'm not going to probably give 176 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: them their feedback that they want. But I do love 177 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,520 Speaker 1: to exercise and have a lot of fun with that. 178 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: So we might talk about like our workouts that we do, 179 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 1: but my friends aren't sending me texts about like how 180 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: many calories they burned and how, finally they can have 181 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,959 Speaker 1: dessert because they went to this hard workout. It's more 182 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 1: like I did this hard workout, look what we did, 183 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: and we like talk about it and stuff like that, 184 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,880 Speaker 1: if that makes sense. So I don't I just I'm 185 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 1: asking that because I don't know if she knows what 186 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,920 Speaker 1: she's doing. Um and she knows that she's triggering you, 187 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,800 Speaker 1: because she might not know where you are in that 188 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,560 Speaker 1: space and that might be information that you share. Like Hey, 189 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 1: I don't know if you knew this about me. I 190 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,280 Speaker 1: don't I've ever shared this before, but I wanted to 191 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,080 Speaker 1: share with you now because it's important to me and 192 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,439 Speaker 1: it's part of my story and I used to struggle 193 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 1: with X Y Z, I worked on X Y Z 194 00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:26,200 Speaker 1: and now I'm in this place where, Um, I have 195 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 1: to monitor certain behaviors in orders to not go back 196 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 1: to this old way of living that wasn't helpful or 197 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:36,160 Speaker 1: fruitful for me. And so when I hear that calories, 198 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,199 Speaker 1: good foods, bad foods, it's something that doesn't feel good 199 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,760 Speaker 1: in my body and and to take on. And I 200 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: am not somebody who wants to have those kind of conversations. 201 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,720 Speaker 1: And so I didn't know if you knew that, and 202 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,040 Speaker 1: I'm totally willing to talk about it more if you're interested. 203 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 1: But I just wanted you to know that because, as 204 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 1: I've been getting these messages from you, I want to 205 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,839 Speaker 1: be a good friend and I want to support you 206 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: and I also want to support myself and I also 207 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 1: don't want to support something that I feel like might 208 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,560 Speaker 1: end up harming you in the future. I also don't 209 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:07,439 Speaker 1: want to tell you what to do, but it might 210 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: be something you want to look at. So I would 211 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,960 Speaker 1: have this conversation in a way that's very curious. Right. 212 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,160 Speaker 1: So I didn't just blame her. I didn't assume that 213 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 1: she was doing something badder wrong and assume that she 214 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: was engaging in behaviors that are going to end up 215 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: hurting her. I just kind of explained what I thought 216 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,520 Speaker 1: might be going on and kind of left it open ended, 217 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 1: and so that's what I would really suggest anybody in 218 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,760 Speaker 1: a space like this, like when you're having these conversations 219 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,480 Speaker 1: with friends, right, friends usually have good intentions for us 220 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 1: and our blind spots are we get a little selfish 221 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,880 Speaker 1: and we can't see how we might be hurting others 222 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,679 Speaker 1: because we're doing something that feels good to us in 223 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,439 Speaker 1: the moment. So if you're having a conversation with a friend, 224 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 1: you can go into it with a lot of curiosity 225 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:50,880 Speaker 1: rather than blame, because I know you love me, so 226 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,599 Speaker 1: I would never assume that you would do something to 227 00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:56,320 Speaker 1: hurt me. So let's talk about this. I also think 228 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,320 Speaker 1: this is a really, really good way for you to 229 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: practice some of what I talked about out with Liz 230 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,599 Speaker 1: plank on Monday's episode. If you guys haven't listened to 231 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: that episode, it is one of my favorite ones that 232 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,800 Speaker 1: I have recorded and quite some time. It's very good 233 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 1: and we talked a little bit about how to create 234 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:15,400 Speaker 1: boundaries and take responsibility for what I need rather than 235 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,520 Speaker 1: continuously make it somebody else's job to take care of me. 236 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,280 Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is, if this is 237 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,360 Speaker 1: affecting you, it means that you need something right. While 238 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 1: I think this is a space where it's safe to 239 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 1: say part of you wants to help her no engage 240 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,720 Speaker 1: in unhealthy behaviors, that's fair and we can express concern. 241 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,360 Speaker 1: What we can't do is control other people so she 242 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,199 Speaker 1: may believe what she's doing is working for her. Our 243 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,720 Speaker 1: inclination is to give her some foresight into what that 244 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,120 Speaker 1: behavior is going to do, and you can offer that, 245 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 1: but you can also only offer it to an extent 246 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:47,160 Speaker 1: right she she's only going to take it if she 247 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,880 Speaker 1: she's in a slace to take it, and that's a 248 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,679 Speaker 1: very normal thing to want to do. It's a very 249 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,720 Speaker 1: normal thing to want to help her friends not get 250 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 1: to a place that was harmful. For us, that's actually 251 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: a pretty healthy thing to do. And she might not 252 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,440 Speaker 1: be in a place or she is able to really 253 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,440 Speaker 1: grab onto that and she might want to risk it 254 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 1: because in her head that might not outweigh what she's 255 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 1: getting and some of the lessons that we have to learn. Unfortunately, 256 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,200 Speaker 1: we have to learn on our own, and this feels 257 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,120 Speaker 1: kind of harsh partly coming out of my mouth, but 258 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 1: what I'm trying to convey is that if a real 259 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,560 Speaker 1: sucks when we see our friends in these spots and 260 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:22,079 Speaker 1: we can't control them, which also sucks, and sometimes we 261 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,600 Speaker 1: just have to sit with the fact that some of 262 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,360 Speaker 1: our reality sucks sometimes and we can't change it or 263 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,920 Speaker 1: try to change it, and honestly, trying to change it 264 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: actually can put us in a more vulnerable position and 265 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 1: make us less able to take care of what we need. 266 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,680 Speaker 1: So that was a long wounded way to kind of 267 00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 1: sidetrack from what I'm saying, because it sounds like what 268 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 1: you're really needing is a way for you to take 269 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,600 Speaker 1: care of yourself right now, even though you might have 270 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,439 Speaker 1: that inclination to take care of your friend. So this 271 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,120 Speaker 1: is a space where you can set a boundary and 272 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:53,720 Speaker 1: hold it for yourself and you can let her know gently. Hey, 273 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,920 Speaker 1: when I see your food picks or here you talk 274 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,560 Speaker 1: about losing weight, I've started to feel some fear because 275 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: it brings up patterns of old behave her that I've 276 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:04,000 Speaker 1: really worked hard on too. Straight away from and I'm 277 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,520 Speaker 1: going to resist responding to those messages. And I wanted 278 00:13:07,559 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 1: to tell you about this because I'm doing this out 279 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: of care for myself, not anger towards you, and I 280 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,559 Speaker 1: don't want you to think I'm ignoring you or anything 281 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,400 Speaker 1: like that, but I think that I have to protect 282 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,920 Speaker 1: myself instet of boundary around the types of conversations I 283 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,760 Speaker 1: let myself engage in. So what that's doing is it's 284 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,000 Speaker 1: putting the work on you. Right. So you have to 285 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 1: resist the urge to people please her or fix her 286 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: or change her Um and you have to focus on 287 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 1: what feels good to me. I might have to delete 288 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,320 Speaker 1: that text. I get it. I might have to just 289 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:37,959 Speaker 1: click delete it and not respond to act like it 290 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: was never there, and you're telling her that. So if 291 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,760 Speaker 1: I don't respond to something like that, I just want 292 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 1: you to know that's because I'm taking care of myself, 293 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,079 Speaker 1: not because I'm mad at you, not because I don't 294 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,920 Speaker 1: like you anymore, but because I have to make this 295 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,959 Speaker 1: a priority in my life because it's something that has 296 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: been a big deal for me in the past. Again, 297 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 1: it has this like carrying loving tone to it. Right. 298 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 1: It's not. When you do this, it makes me do this, 299 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,560 Speaker 1: and when you do this it triggers me. It's like 300 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,480 Speaker 1: I feel triggered when I see nobody's making you feel anything. 301 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,360 Speaker 1: Nobody can make any other person feel anything. If that 302 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: were the case, promise, I would, I don't know, probably 303 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:14,960 Speaker 1: be a BA jillionaire because I would just like make 304 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,680 Speaker 1: people feel what they wanted to feel. So we don't 305 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,000 Speaker 1: have that much power. So I don't even want you 306 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,760 Speaker 1: to give her that much power. I want you to 307 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,560 Speaker 1: take the power and that I can control what I 308 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,880 Speaker 1: allow myself to engage in, what I allow myself to 309 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,480 Speaker 1: focus on, what do I allow myself to read and 310 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,400 Speaker 1: respond to? What do I allow to take up extra 311 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,600 Speaker 1: space in my brain? And this is something that you're 312 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,280 Speaker 1: setting the boundary with yourself. I'm not going to allow 313 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 1: this in there anymore because it doesn't feel good for me. 314 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,280 Speaker 1: And I just want to say it might be extra 315 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,360 Speaker 1: hard for you because you just got engaged and it 316 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,040 Speaker 1: sounds like your friends getta engage and it's like, well, 317 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: what should I be doing this, because like, should I 318 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,080 Speaker 1: be losing weight for the wedding too? And I just 319 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,840 Speaker 1: want to put out there for everybody out there, just 320 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,080 Speaker 1: because somebody is doing something. It doesn't mean that we 321 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,760 Speaker 1: all have to do that same thing. And that might 322 00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 1: apply to losing weight for an event and it comply 323 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: to a lot of other things. We get stuck in 324 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 1: these spaces where we're like, oh, somebody's doing that, that 325 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:08,280 Speaker 1: means I should do that. It really could just mean 326 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:12,400 Speaker 1: somebody's doing that period right. So really tune into if 327 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,120 Speaker 1: I start to feel like I should be doing that too. 328 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,280 Speaker 1: What is that? Is that fear of doing something wrong? 329 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,640 Speaker 1: Is that fear of not being liked? Is that fear 330 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 1: of being left behind? Like, what's behind that urge to 331 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,680 Speaker 1: do what the people around you were doing? If it 332 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,600 Speaker 1: feels like extra effort to go on and do that, 333 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 1: it doesn't feel natural to you. So I hope that 334 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 1: was helpful and again I just want to encourage people 335 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,040 Speaker 1: to go listen to the episode with Liz. It was 336 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: so good and it was so natural, like I had, 337 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,120 Speaker 1: I'm not even lying, I had a list of questions 338 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 1: for her. I didn't ask one, not one of them, 339 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:45,080 Speaker 1: because we just started talking and then didn't stop and 340 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:49,240 Speaker 1: until we had to go, and it's just nice. So, Um, 341 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,920 Speaker 1: I want to encourage you guys to listen to that 342 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,880 Speaker 1: and I hope that this helps some of you guys 343 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 1: out there. Again, feel free to send me some of 344 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 1: your feedback on what you like, what you don't like, 345 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: what you want to see more of. With the PODCAST, 346 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 1: Catherine K A T H R Y N at you 347 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:07,280 Speaker 1: need therapy podcast dot com. You can follow me at 348 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 1: Cat Dot de Fata and the podcast at you need 349 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:13,600 Speaker 1: therapy podcast on Instagram, and I hope you guys are 350 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 1: having the day you need to have. I am going 351 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,600 Speaker 1: to a wedding this weekend in Asheville, North Carolina, so 352 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,520 Speaker 1: I'm very excited because we're gonna make it a little 353 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,880 Speaker 1: vacation as well, and I just love Asheville's so pretty. 354 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,120 Speaker 1: I get to go twice this fall because I'm also 355 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:30,880 Speaker 1: going to a BACHELTTE party for one of my best 356 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 1: friends as well at the end of October. So I 357 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: will be having the day I need to have because 358 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,240 Speaker 1: I hopefully will be in the mountains somewhere, and I 359 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,200 Speaker 1: hope you guys are able to do that as well. 360 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,120 Speaker 1: I will be back with you on Monday for another 361 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,200 Speaker 1: episode of you need therapy. Bye, guys.