Speaker 1: You're real hippie, Chris, I really have become pretty spiritual.
Speaker 2: In quarantine. Yeah, are you leaving? I you wanna way
Speaker 2: back home?
Speaker 3: Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how
Speaker 3: much baggage you claim and give us time and they
Speaker 3: urmano and gage.
Speaker 4: We want to send you off in style. You want
Speaker 4: to welcome you back home. Tell us all about every
Speaker 4: scared or was it fine?
Speaker 2: Malborn?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: To ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need.
Speaker 4: With?
Speaker 2: Karen and Chris.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.
Speaker 2: And this is Karen Kilgara.
Speaker 1: We are recording still from our homes because we are
Speaker 1: responsible and we care about the well being of others.
Speaker 2: And we're riddled to you. Yeah, as do you. And
Speaker 2: we're riddled with COVID nineteen.
Speaker 1: No, guys, thank compassion nineteen. It's im I'm about.
Speaker 5: It's a serious case, an asymptomatic case of compassion nineteen.
Speaker 1: I got compassion too. I got compassion nineteen.
Speaker 2: I have I care about Yui Bola.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm I'm hot with fever with compassion for stranger
Speaker 1: as are the homeless people on my street. They wear masks.
Speaker 1: That's what I that's the point I keep upbringing because
Speaker 1: I have some mask deniers in my neighborhood.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're everywhere. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And then the guy that usually is yelling at trash
Speaker 1: cans and then knocking them over and then sweeping up
Speaker 1: his masks and screaming at cars, it's wearing a mask.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Someone that struggles with mental illness and doesn't have anyone
Speaker 1: caring about them is caring about other people.
Speaker 2: And here's the thing.
Speaker 5: And I don't know if you've ever considered this. These
Speaker 5: people might just be homed people that you think don't
Speaker 5: wear nice clothes. Ever thinks about that?
Speaker 2: What if they own every house on your book? They're
Speaker 2: like the landlord. They're an overwhelmed landlord.
Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh, you poor person. And then I
Speaker 1: come home and write a check to them every month.
Speaker 5: They're They're just talking to themselves, are on the phone
Speaker 5: all the time. They're not schizophrenic. There's what if things
Speaker 5: are so much better then you think they are.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Maybe, Yeah, that's a sign of wealth that you only
Speaker 1: wear one shoe.
Speaker 2: In my Land. It is my people are from.
Speaker 1: I'm driving up to my Land. I'm going to Montana.
Speaker 1: I'm going to leave on Monday, and I'm and I
Speaker 1: just got tested. I'm waiting for the results again. I'm
Speaker 1: sure they will be negative. And then I'm going to
Speaker 1: and the work, go up and hang out with my dad.
Speaker 5: Now, do you have a plan because my sister said
Speaker 5: when she drove, I think they drove to Shasta and
Speaker 5: they said it was impossible to find a bathroom because
Speaker 5: most places aren't open to people coming in and out.
Speaker 1: Well, and not to be graphic, but it's easier for boys.
Speaker 1: I've become a very skilled driving urinator. I have jars
Speaker 1: with still has a pickle in the bottom. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: do you remember all of his jars with one pickle?
Speaker 2: And it already looks like urine? So it's fine, really fine.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just stop at a gas station and I
Speaker 1: just put it on a fence post for someone else
Speaker 1: to there. I think that was the funny most random thing.
Speaker 1: Living Color had funny moments I watched when I was
Speaker 1: a kid because I just thought it was so funny.
Speaker 1: And you go back and watch it and it's like
Speaker 1: ninety percent of it doesn't hold up. But when Damon
Speaker 1: Wayans played a homeless guy and his bathroom was a
Speaker 1: pickle jar with a pickle in it, I'm just admitting
Speaker 1: that's where I got that, but it is I did
Speaker 1: steal it. I've been stealing a lot during this.
Speaker 2: During COVID nineteen.
Speaker 1: Yeah, my tax guy told me a joke. He basically said,
Speaker 1: it's funny because the government is like, yeah, we know
Speaker 1: how many how much UO in taxas?
Speaker 2: We just want to make sure.
Speaker 1: You know, so you do the math. And it's like,
Speaker 1: can't you just tell me no? But if you're wrong,
Speaker 1: you have to go to jail. Like he really said
Speaker 1: it in a funny way. And then I tweeted it
Speaker 1: and apparently, and I think he because he's all over Twitter,
Speaker 1: I think he had seen this tweet reiterated it to me.
Speaker 1: Then I tweeted it and everyone's like, hey, nice stolen tweet.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, god, damn it. It's like when my
Speaker 1: dad would give me a joke idea and then I'd
Speaker 1: find out it was something Seinfeld said in The Night
Speaker 1: All Deaths.
Speaker 2: I'm like, everybody, yeah, you can use that, you can
Speaker 2: use that. Yeah you can't. Also on Twitter.
Speaker 5: I feel like I did a thing one time that
Speaker 5: was so honestly unintentional, but it was just so guilty
Speaker 5: looking that I was just like, this is the worst
Speaker 5: because I was squirreling. It was I think Oscar night
Speaker 5: year that Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper were there for
Speaker 5: Stars Born Sure, and she was wearing a dress that
Speaker 5: was exactly the dress that I wore to the freshman
Speaker 5: Christmas formal?
Speaker 1: Was it the year you wore your your raw meat dress.
Speaker 2: When I was sponsored by the local butcher.
Speaker 5: But her prom, she actually she wore like this lavender
Speaker 5: dress that was made of this eighties like prom dress
Speaker 5: dress material.
Speaker 2: It was shocking.
Speaker 5: So when I saw it, I was scrolling through my
Speaker 5: feet and I.
Speaker 2: Just took a picture of the picture I saw it.
Speaker 5: On and I didn't really look at whose account it was.
Speaker 5: I just took a picture of their tweet without the
Speaker 5: words in it, just the picture. Then when I went
Speaker 5: to post about she's wearing my dress from the freshman
Speaker 5: year in Christmas Formal or whatever I said, I noticed
Speaker 5: that the shadow of the microphone made it look like
Speaker 5: Bradley Cooper was peeing. So then I was like I
Speaker 5: made a joke about Bradley Cooper peeing and my prom dress,
Speaker 5: and all these people were like, you directly stole this
Speaker 5: from this guy Jesse.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 5: Shit, Yeah, this guy's done a bunch of stuff like
Speaker 5: BuzzFeed and stuff. But he photoshopped the peeing onto the
Speaker 5: leg because he that was the comment everyone was making it.
Speaker 5: The microphone made it look like he lightly ped, so
Speaker 5: he put this huge stream of pee.
Speaker 2: Down in right, and then did a whole joke.
Speaker 5: And then I basically had to say I stole this
Speaker 5: from Jesse and just delete it and then DM him
Speaker 5: and be like, I promise you, that's not.
Speaker 2: What I meant to do.
Speaker 5: Like I thought i'd like stumbled upon a real thing
Speaker 5: in the picture, but I'd taken the comedy picture.
Speaker 2: From a comedy account right right. It was really embarrassing.
Speaker 1: I DM the person that originally tweeted this tax joke. Also,
Speaker 1: they didn't reply. They thought I was, oh, sure your
Speaker 1: tax guy told you it. I'm like, hey, tax guys,
Speaker 1: go out and find tax jokes on Twitter.
Speaker 2: They love tax comedy. Say had to light in the movie.
Speaker 1: So the brunt of your low return isn't because you're
Speaker 1: already laughing about this damn joke.
Speaker 2: Can I say this too?
Speaker 5: After years of going to get my taxes done, I
Speaker 5: think it's the weirdest thing. They just basically make you
Speaker 5: sit there and watch them do your homework for you,
Speaker 5: and then they ask you like a couple of random
Speaker 5: questions that they could just like who care put five
Speaker 5: hundred dollars down?
Speaker 2: Who?
Speaker 5: It doesn't matter. We all know it doesn't matter. But
Speaker 5: you have to just sit there watching them for like
Speaker 5: an hour, and then it's like, that's the tax you
Speaker 5: personally pay to get your taxes done, so you have
Speaker 5: to observe the taxes being done in silence, you have
Speaker 5: anything to do with it. When it's like I would
Speaker 5: have done it myself.
Speaker 2: Yeah I could do it. I know I don't. I can't.
Speaker 1: I have tried before, and you don't get a return
Speaker 1: that way. You just start somehow safe. But he gets me.
Speaker 1: He's like, how what percentage of your car do you
Speaker 1: use as a restroom? What little things that a little
Speaker 1: business like is your that you have a to put that?
Speaker 1: Maybe put that desk in your garage? I don't know,
Speaker 1: wink wink. Because he used to work for the irs,
Speaker 1: so he's the perfect tax guy's he can play both sides. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and so's. He's been great for me. But yeah, while
Speaker 1: they're doing that homework, you sit there for an hour
Speaker 1: and a half.
Speaker 2: And then the minute I'm.
Speaker 1: Like, oh, you're in a photo with Tommy Lasorda. Huh,
Speaker 1: he's like, and I'm like, you just have to sit
Speaker 1: there in silence while they do your homework.
Speaker 2: Yeah. It's really really awkward.
Speaker 1: And he's always like, uh, oh boy, you didn't make
Speaker 1: any money this year. Well, it's not looking good. And
Speaker 1: then at the end, oh, no, you're gonna be fine.
Speaker 1: Every year he builds the suspense.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5: And then that guy really likes to spin a yarn
Speaker 5: with you. He was comedy or drama. He's bringing entertainment
Speaker 5: to you as you get your taxes down.
Speaker 2: We're pals. We have a good time together. We laugh.
Speaker 2: How old is this man, Chris?
Speaker 1: I think he's an age appropriate friend. He's probably he's
Speaker 1: he's mid to late forties.
Speaker 2: Is he really twitter?
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's young for IRS tax slash freelance tax guy.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I thought all freelance tax guys had to be
Speaker 2: seventy two.
Speaker 1: I know, I know that my first tax guy is
Speaker 1: not alive anymore, and because I just quit being able
Speaker 1: to get a hold of him, and it makes me
Speaker 1: sad that he was. He was a salesman for the vitamin.
Speaker 1: It's like a pyramid scheme vitamin thing. Yeah, he was
Speaker 1: trying to he was trying to stay alive, Karen.
Speaker 5: Look, we all have to in all different ways, whether
Speaker 5: it's through powerful multi vitamins that feeds your body, on
Speaker 5: your mind, or is that the s You take a
Speaker 5: look right over here, we've got stuff you said that
Speaker 5: you're feeling sluggish, and then here's your taxes down, all
Speaker 5: your taxes from.
Speaker 2: Down here not being done.
Speaker 5: I take a look up at the literal pyramid of
Speaker 5: vitamins that I had behind me.
Speaker 2: Did They were in a triangle formation behind them, just
Speaker 2: like the game I'm keeling.
Speaker 1: It's healing.
Speaker 5: You want to see ancient Egypt when it's some kind
Speaker 5: of strange, detergent whatever it is.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was having a very bad day one day years ago,
Speaker 1: and I stuck my card into a parking meter and
Speaker 1: it just it didn't stop.
Speaker 2: I just pushed it all the way in and it
Speaker 2: couldn't get it out, and I.
Speaker 5: Was sorry, I'm gonna have to walk you back. Did
Speaker 5: you put your card into the parking meter so hard
Speaker 5: that you broke.
Speaker 1: No, it just I was like zip and then it
Speaker 1: was gone. I'm like it's not like.
Speaker 2: I was like, god damn it, because.
Speaker 1: I went inside and it was a sandwich shop, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, someone needs.
Speaker 2: To help me, like I'm some oh, and he knew.
Speaker 1: He knew right away that it was the parking meter
Speaker 1: that swallows everything. So he grabbed the tweezers that he
Speaker 1: had reserved for. And this guy's trying to make sandwiches.
Speaker 2: I do believe.
Speaker 1: I thanked him and then also bought a sandwich, even
Speaker 1: though I had already eaten.
Speaker 2: So it all worked out in the end.
Speaker 5: So you gave back, and then you let him put
Speaker 5: a nice arch in your eyebrows, because while you're there,
Speaker 5: you might as well.
Speaker 2: Do some sculpting.
Speaker 5: I one time, speaking of when you, when you were
Speaker 5: talking about breaking the machine with your credit card. One
Speaker 5: time I walked up to the ATM machine. I used
Speaker 5: the I think it's a B of A that's on
Speaker 5: the corner of Vine and Sunset, so it's right thereby.
Speaker 2: Amiba uh huh. I think. Yeah.
Speaker 5: One time I put my ATM card in there and
Speaker 5: then just had absolutely no idea what my pin was. Like,
Speaker 5: I couldn't even imagine what it was. I just stood
Speaker 5: there for so long, and it was the usually, of course,
Speaker 5: like anyone's pin, it's like some personal thing.
Speaker 2: Where I'll go like, oh, it's the what I couldn't
Speaker 2: I had.
Speaker 5: Nothing, and I had to take it back out and
Speaker 5: go inside and be like I need to reset my
Speaker 5: pin number.
Speaker 1: Well, that always me and when it happens every time,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna have Alzheimer's like
Speaker 1: my mom.
Speaker 2: And it's hurting nice.
Speaker 1: It's because I can't remember this.
Speaker 5: Number, this goddamn government assigned number.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this goddamn government number. Cheese. Did I tell you?
Speaker 1: Speaking of ATMs and cards going in the wrong places?
Speaker 1: About the time Matt Bearden, who's a comic friend in Austin,
Speaker 1: and Brendan Walsh and I did the one oh one
Speaker 1: X alternative radio station and they did a contest. They're like,
Speaker 1: we have some comedians on. I think we were promoting
Speaker 1: a show. They had a contest for free nickelback tickets.
Speaker 1: Giving you an idea of when this was about ten
Speaker 1: years ago. If you come in and these comics can't
Speaker 1: make you laugh if you're able to, which is the
Speaker 1: easiest thing in the world to make yourself not laugh.
Speaker 2: Sure, if you could come.
Speaker 1: In and these guys tell you jokes and you don't laugh,
Speaker 1: you win. Nickeled a back tickets and this guy called
Speaker 1: in and he's like, I love Nickelback, love Nickelback so much.
Speaker 1: That's what I named my horse, which in retro, that
Speaker 1: is a great name for a horse.
Speaker 2: It is a great name. Nickelback is a great horse name.
Speaker 2: If Nickelback didn't exist the band.
Speaker 1: Right, right, if you just was like Knickelback in the
Speaker 1: lead before Sea Biscuit, that's like.
Speaker 5: If you could do a whistle with just your mouth,
Speaker 5: not using your fingers like Nickelback, and Nickelback would run over.
Speaker 1: My dad taught me to change the oil in a car,
Speaker 1: but he didn't how to do that finger whistle.
Speaker 2: I could do it with fingers, but not without.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's all in the tongue, it's all in. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'll never learn it. This guy came in, though, and
Speaker 1: he just looked like an a dishonorably discharged marine and
Speaker 1: he had his arms crossed, and we tried to tell
Speaker 1: him jokes, and he just looked angry. His ability, his
Speaker 1: way of not laughing was to just get furious and
Speaker 1: hate us, which I understand it's maybe a te yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: he went.
Speaker 2: He got really mad and Meisner with us.
Speaker 1: Sure, and then so we started a resort to Like
Speaker 1: Brennan whispered something in his ear and then he kissed
Speaker 1: the guy's ear, thinking that would make him break, and
Speaker 1: the guy just got angry. Matt Bearden took off his glasses,
Speaker 1: pulled down his pants and put his glasses on top
Speaker 1: of his penis and turned around and said, well, anyone
Speaker 1: blow my nose.
Speaker 2: He did like this.
Speaker 1: Gonzo, and I was laughing so but the guy just
Speaker 1: had his arms crossed, getting angry. And then Brendan and
Speaker 1: I I think Brenda, we didn't rehearse this, but he
Speaker 1: just said, asked ATM to me, and and he said,
Speaker 1: put a dollar.
Speaker 2: In your mouth. And I put the dollar in my mouth.
Speaker 1: And then Brennan did a skit where he's like, where's
Speaker 1: that ATM machine?
Speaker 2: Here it is.
Speaker 1: And I pulled down my pants and he swiped his
Speaker 1: debit card down my butt crack and then I spit
Speaker 1: out this doll and the guy finally smiled a little bit.
Speaker 2: Yes, but they still gave him the nickelback tickets. I
Speaker 2: mean he he still did.
Speaker 1: But we finally got him with that, and then we.
Speaker 2: Had to It was like with a tax guy.
Speaker 1: We had to be in the same room as him
Speaker 1: at when we went to commercial and Brendon had just
Speaker 1: shown him as Penis. I think everything we did we
Speaker 1: probably get arrested now.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: And also, you guys, really for a contest like that,
Speaker 5: you really left it all on the table. I mean,
Speaker 5: I think you went above and beyond what most comics
Speaker 5: would do.
Speaker 2: At the time.
Speaker 1: None of us had achieved anything would stand up except
Speaker 1: for maybe featuring for Rich Miller. So we were hungry
Speaker 1: and we were ready.
Speaker 2: To give it our all. We're ready to take those
Speaker 2: pants off. Yeah, all those fails. Get naked. I've always
Speaker 2: done that.
Speaker 1: Not anymore, of course, but hell yeah, no, you got to.
Speaker 1: It's a good way to get out of a lot
Speaker 1: of things, yes, like a fight, get naked.
Speaker 2: And also it's natural. Don't be ashamed exactly. Man.
Speaker 1: You know, since this quarantine started, I've been just walking
Speaker 1: around my apartment burning a lot of and since I
Speaker 1: just bought a hand painted skull the other day, and
Speaker 1: I don't wear my underwear and I'm learning to cook,
Speaker 1: and I man, I feel free as a bird.
Speaker 2: Whose skull did you buy?
Speaker 1: There's a guy at the bottom of the street that's
Speaker 1: a really good artist and he does like stipple paint
Speaker 1: art and Day of the Dead type skulls, and I
Speaker 1: always tell him I'm going to buy one. And then
Speaker 1: the other night I accidentally had fifteen dollars on me,
Speaker 1: so I bought a little skull by accident. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: but I you know it's I have it in my collection.
Speaker 1: He was appreciative, and I recognize him from Venice. He
Speaker 1: used to live in Venice. So I've been putting off
Speaker 1: buying a hand painted skull from him for over a decade.
Speaker 5: It's time to support that guy. He's following you around
Speaker 5: Los Angeles.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I do.
Speaker 1: When someone has multiple under the eye tattoos, including the
Speaker 1: tear drop, which we know you don't get for help,
Speaker 1: and old ladies across the street, I will do what
Speaker 1: you say. And I'm influenced by that in it.
Speaker 5: I mean, it's good to support those people because I
Speaker 5: bet you they haven't had a ton of support in
Speaker 5: their life.
Speaker 2: So it's a nice thing for them to finally experience. Yeah,
Speaker 2: for sure.
Speaker 5: Sometimes those tattoos just represent a deep sadness. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 5: ten years of deep sadness.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you're in a gang. Sometimes you're just a permanent clown.
Speaker 5: Sometimes you just made weird tattoo decisions to reflect your
Speaker 5: clinical depression.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm glad I never got anything here as opposed
Speaker 1: to the other tattoos, I never got.
Speaker 2: Face tattoos are.
Speaker 5: That's really I feel like people that get face tattoos
Speaker 5: have a true clear vision of what their look is
Speaker 5: going to be for the rest of their lives. And
Speaker 5: it's just very specific. And I think you have to
Speaker 5: have a certain especially with women, and I think I really.
Speaker 2: Like that look.
Speaker 5: There's a waitress at the one oh one cafe, uh
Speaker 5: huh that has tattoos that kind of go around her
Speaker 5: face and then down.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I remember. She's been there since our meeting.
Speaker 1: It was our meeting spot.
Speaker 2: Since our meetings, and she looks like a model, but
Speaker 2: she's like, I'm hard, Like she's doing that kind of
Speaker 2: super badass and it looks amazing on her. I mean,
Speaker 2: it's the coolest way. I think. It's like she looks
Speaker 2: cool and she's wearing like cute clothes. But then at
Speaker 2: the same time, you're.
Speaker 1: Just like, and she's nice, she's happy, she's like a
Speaker 1: lovely person. Yeah, she's great, but it looks like she
Speaker 1: could throw a punch. I know exactly who you're talking about,
Speaker 1: and it does tasten a bunch of things I'm attracted to.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, I know she would straighten some people out,
Speaker 5: but she doesn't have to.
Speaker 2: That's what the tattoos say.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, my days of straight shooting are over.
Speaker 2: She says, Oh that's her, that's her character. Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2: Don't you miss go going to sit at the one
Speaker 2: on one cafe?
Speaker 1: I miss Yeah, I've been, I guess somewhat recklessly going
Speaker 1: to sit. There's an outdoor situation at the Halloway and
Speaker 1: they have they take your temperature and their sneeze guards,
Speaker 1: and no one is sitting at the same table, so
Speaker 1: it's a little weird. It's just single people at their
Speaker 1: own picnic table. But they have a chicken wing night,
Speaker 1: and I've been going. It just feels somewhat normal to
Speaker 1: be not at my house eating. That's really But the
Speaker 1: next day I do feel like I've broken the rules
Speaker 1: and I'm going to get sick. So yeah, but I've
Speaker 1: been getting tested and I've been negative so far.
Speaker 2: It's good.
Speaker 1: It's been real fun.
Speaker 2: That's very good. Yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I get I have to get tested, but I
Speaker 5: have been so indoors and.
Speaker 2: You know, I am asymptomatic as far as I know.
Speaker 5: Like, I just keep checking, you know, I just keep
Speaker 5: updating my two week thing of like, well that's been
Speaker 5: another two weeks and I don't have any I feel
Speaker 5: exactly the same as I did in February.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so are ye how are you doing? Are you feeling?
Speaker 1: I think I have it you need That's what I meant, asymptomatically.
Speaker 2: How do you feel? I feel terrible.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I can't feel any of the horrible, horrible symptoms. No,
Speaker 5: I feel good. I mean I've been lately. I've been
Speaker 5: swimming a ton.
Speaker 2: I was going to ask about swimming. Yes, and it's
Speaker 2: the greatest. I love swimming.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's so like, I mean, everything's calming down now.
Speaker 5: It's a little exciting in June or whatever, but in July,
Speaker 5: I guess, but it's such a relaxing it like just
Speaker 5: automatically kind of puts you out for the rest.
Speaker 2: You're just like zend out for the evening and it's
Speaker 2: so nice.
Speaker 1: It is the closest thing I've done to meditation. You're
Speaker 1: weightless and you're deprived, and it's in a deprivation way.
Speaker 1: And I Chris, Yeah, when I every time I've swam,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm not thinking about anything except my
Speaker 1: breathing because I'm just trying to go back and forth
Speaker 1: and do laps. And I didn't. I didn't anticipate like that.
Speaker 1: It was kind of like meditation because I left it
Speaker 1: totally calm. Yep, And blood has gone to every extremity
Speaker 1: of your body and it's the best.
Speaker 5: Someone told me, it's double whatever normal if you do
Speaker 5: normal cardio, like you're going to walk five miles, if
Speaker 5: you swam the same length, it's double.
Speaker 2: The impact on your body. Oh it has as if
Speaker 2: you did it ten miles.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, at least, like if I think of running
Speaker 1: back and forth in a pool for twenty minutes or
Speaker 1: next to a pool the length of a pool, I
Speaker 1: could do that all day. But yeah, just swimming back
Speaker 1: and forth twenty times is so much work. And I
Speaker 1: can tell I haven't been doing it. I look a
Speaker 1: little like I've gained some weight. But that's okay. No
Speaker 1: one's judging. No one's in my apartment to.
Speaker 2: Judge, No one's around.
Speaker 1: No. Yeah, you know, aasionally on the way to the bathroom,
Speaker 1: I'll do five chin ups.
Speaker 2: We all know about my chin up bar. I've seen
Speaker 2: your chinipar.
Speaker 5: Remember when you stopped in the middle of a comedy
Speaker 5: zoom comedy show and did some pull ups when you like,
Speaker 5: your sound got sucked up and you just went and
Speaker 5: did pull ups.
Speaker 1: I can do a lot when I've I had had
Speaker 1: That was a night that I can I felt like
Speaker 1: that game night was like a party. So I was drinking. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and man, I can do a lot of pull ups
Speaker 1: when I've been drinking.
Speaker 2: That helps it a little bit.
Speaker 1: Does a lot of people talk about the negative aspects,
Speaker 1: the way it ends lives or affects marriages, But no
Speaker 1: one talks about how many more chin ups you can
Speaker 1: do on booze.
Speaker 2: And It's what's crazy is they should be talking about
Speaker 2: it in grammar schools, presidential fitness test events. The little kids.
Speaker 5: Drinking a beer real quick before they do an arm,
Speaker 5: the five second arm.
Speaker 2: Hang. Yeah, I can finally touch my toes vomit. No,
Speaker 2: I'm an alcoholic. It's sixth grade. What have you been?
Speaker 2: What's can you? What's one highlight memory.
Speaker 5: Moment of the last say the last since the last
Speaker 5: time we recorded, of anything that's happened to you at all.
Speaker 1: I get a lot of daily sweet messages from the
Speaker 1: people that have watched my comedy special. That nice that
Speaker 1: and they say really specific nice things, and that has
Speaker 1: been happening. Not a lot of I've been. I did
Speaker 1: Mark Marin's podcast that was really fun and that.
Speaker 2: Did it go good? Yeah?
Speaker 1: It did go well. Yeah, he was We had a
Speaker 1: lot of fun. And the whole time I just all
Speaker 1: I was thinking about was his girlfriend had died, and
Speaker 1: on the tip of my tongue, I wanted to say,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for your loss, but thank god I didn't.
Speaker 1: During the we just had a fun, light conversation about
Speaker 1: comedy and when we both because we kind of moved
Speaker 1: to La around the same time, and did the ramada
Speaker 1: in this terrible room.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, we both. That's how I.
Speaker 1: First knew him, as we would go to this dark
Speaker 1: place that was bad for comedy, where they would lure
Speaker 1: people staying in the hotel down to hear jokes against
Speaker 1: their will, and we just kind of relived things. I
Speaker 1: don't know, we had we had fun and good. I
Speaker 1: don't even know him very well, but I realized we
Speaker 1: had some stuff in common. So it was just, yeah,
Speaker 1: it was it was a good time.
Speaker 2: Good.
Speaker 1: I ordered a dollhouse and then canceled it because I
Speaker 1: knew I was going to Montana.
Speaker 2: That was exciting. Yeah, okay, what was that like?
Speaker 5: Talking directly to customer service at the dollhouse company?
Speaker 2: I did? I did.
Speaker 1: I bypassed Amazon and said, hey, let's I need.
Speaker 2: To talk to a human being. Where was that dollhouse
Speaker 2: company located?
Speaker 1: They are actually located in Los Angeles. No, Yeah, robo
Speaker 1: time makes I think that they're manufactured overseas somewhere, but
Speaker 1: there is a place here that makes a lot of
Speaker 1: DIY miniature houses.
Speaker 2: I called them directly.
Speaker 1: They dealt with it, and then my Amazon order was
Speaker 1: canceled and Amazon was like, we don't know why they're
Speaker 1: out of stock, and it's like, oh, I went straight
Speaker 1: to the man.
Speaker 2: You don't need to worry about it. Some friends of
Speaker 2: the pod took care of it. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I've been Yeah, I've been meeting up with
Speaker 1: some dude friends like Brooks, Swedeland and those guys. We
Speaker 1: go ride bikes by the river and then we hang
Speaker 1: out under a bridge and then.
Speaker 2: You go find a dead body and then you run
Speaker 2: across the chain tracks.
Speaker 1: It is very It is very much like stand by me. Yes,
Speaker 1: we've been meeting under the river and it's very enjoyable.
Speaker 1: We bring snacks, there's blankets. It's very fun and wholesome.
Speaker 2: Who else besides Brooks Brooks.
Speaker 1: Was Nick Turner, Carl has Nick Rutherford. We have a
Speaker 1: little group.
Speaker 2: You know that.
Speaker 5: That group is the curly haired Boys. That's the name
Speaker 5: of your group. Every one of you has relatively the
Speaker 5: same hair.
Speaker 1: Every one of them had a history of curly hair,
Speaker 1: although I'm the only one pursuing it right now.
Speaker 2: You might want to invite Stephen into that group because
Speaker 2: he absolutely qualified to Steven Big. He's got Steven. You
Speaker 2: want to hang out by the river with some it's
Speaker 2: age appropriate.
Speaker 5: So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Stephen, you stay away from
Speaker 5: that river bed. Those boys are no good.
Speaker 2: It's weird there.
Speaker 1: Oh so, I'm this is like Los Feliz area, Like
Speaker 1: there's like a there's a horse, a horse stable and
Speaker 1: a walking bridge that's brand new in space age and
Speaker 1: the river.
Speaker 2: The Bourbank Equestrian Center.
Speaker 1: Right, it's not quite Burbank.
Speaker 2: It is by the zoo a little bit.
Speaker 1: It is kind of by the zoo. Oh it is okay,
Speaker 1: you know then okay, we've been meeting by that. And
Speaker 1: the river it's the La River, and we know it's
Speaker 1: a naturally occurring river, but it's hard to believe because
Speaker 1: it's just surrounded by cement embankments and and these flood
Speaker 1: gates and everything.
Speaker 2: But it's where they filmed the car race in Grease,
Speaker 2: right exactly.
Speaker 5: Yeah, for those of you listening at home, it's all cement.
Speaker 5: There's nothing river like about it except for a very
Speaker 5: small erie oh erie canal. I meant it like like
Speaker 5: creepy in its smallness. Yeah, Nile love water where it's like,
Speaker 5: how come you designed it like this because there's no
Speaker 5: water down here.
Speaker 1: But then over here it's not that narrow Erie canal.
Speaker 1: It is a wide.
Speaker 2: Bowl on river with.
Speaker 1: Cattails and bushes and birds and some tents like people
Speaker 1: live on these little islands. It looks like a real
Speaker 1: like it. I don't know if they cultivated it, like
Speaker 1: the city went in and threw some fertilizer down. But
Speaker 1: it is green and pretty. So if you just look
Speaker 1: at the water, the river and the islands and the trees,
Speaker 1: it's gorgeous. And then you pan over and it's just
Speaker 1: a grease cement race.
Speaker 2: Track, just like Hollywood itself. There's a scene in.
Speaker 1: The movie Drive where he's silently you know, there's no
Speaker 1: he has no.
Speaker 2: Lines in it, Ryan Gosling. He just looks that jacket.
Speaker 1: But he takes the girl and her son on a
Speaker 1: drive down that grease down the La River embankment, and
Speaker 1: then they stop and they're suddenly at a nature preserve.
Speaker 1: I think I discovered that. I think that it exists.
Speaker 2: And we discovered it on our bicycles.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, and you went in there and shot all
Speaker 5: the peacocks.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, I got very early haired boys stuff. I
Speaker 2: just love that.
Speaker 1: About La is that you forget there's these little nooks
Speaker 1: and crannies that are like all I hate that I
Speaker 1: use the phrase nooks and crannies. There's there's hidden nature everywhere.
Speaker 2: There's Thomas's English muffin level areas that are filled with butter.
Speaker 2: The butter of nature that's much better. Nooks and crannies.
Speaker 5: Remember that commercial named it was like a big feature
Speaker 5: of Thomas's English Muffins that that there are pockets for
Speaker 5: the butter to go into and there's a selling point.
Speaker 1: Did someone in an English accent say nooks and crannies?
Speaker 4: Mmm?
Speaker 2: I don't think they did an English I can't remember.
Speaker 1: There was just big butter, butter bubbles, butter reservoirs. I
Speaker 1: like English muffins because they have butter reservoirs.
Speaker 2: Oh oh God.
Speaker 5: I have a story for you because so April Richardson's
Speaker 5: been staying with me. What because she she came to
Speaker 5: America because she's going to go visit her family, but
Speaker 5: she's like quarantining with me. She doesn't she already tested
Speaker 5: negative and then she's she and her friend are going
Speaker 5: to drive back to Atlanta together.
Speaker 2: So she's been quarantining here.
Speaker 5: So basically every day it's just me and April are
Speaker 5: just watching TV, eating and who's swimming in.
Speaker 2: The pool all day.
Speaker 5: But the first day we did it, we went out
Speaker 5: there at like eleven thirty in the morning and it
Speaker 5: was actually still almost foggy, and we stayed in the
Speaker 5: pool until like two and when we got out of
Speaker 5: the pool. We were both so sunburnt, like, and it
Speaker 5: was as if we had never dealt as pale, dark
Speaker 5: haired women, had never dealt with the sun before.
Speaker 2: Like, yeah, I have, I have.
Speaker 5: I had such a bad sunburn on my face, Like
Speaker 5: I haven't worn less than SPF fifty like sunblock on
Speaker 5: my face since I was fifteen.
Speaker 2: Anything less, it's pointless.
Speaker 5: And also like, you know, there's melanoma runs in my family.
Speaker 5: It's a you know, it's also an aesthetic look or whatever.
Speaker 5: I just stood in the pool, I have. My forehead
Speaker 5: is peeling, like my whole face was sunburn this when
Speaker 5: the makeup comes off my nose, I look like the
Speaker 5: fucking scarecrow. Well, the first thing I do is burn
Speaker 5: and it just like we were. Mine wasn't as bad
Speaker 5: because I've been in the sun this summer, but April,
Speaker 5: because he's been in England this whole time, got like score,
Speaker 5: Oh no, really bad. Yeah, it was really bad. So
Speaker 5: you're going to quarantine with your dad?
Speaker 1: Yeah at first, Eventually, uh, hang out with my dad
Speaker 1: and then I'm going to move into another place for
Speaker 1: the second week and hang out with my friends separately
Speaker 1: and shoot some videos hoops with oh cool yeah, gotta
Speaker 1: be great. I just gotta be careful when I'm driving up.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna wear gloves. I'm gonna gingerly handle gas pumps.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. I'm gonna, like I said, peanut jar the
Speaker 1: whole way, keep.
Speaker 2: It, save it, send it somewhere.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna they haven't shown that you can get
Speaker 1: it this way, but I'm not going to make any
Speaker 1: eye contact with truckers.
Speaker 2: That's just trouble.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's in all virus aside. That's just how
Speaker 1: you get shanked by one of these road warriors.
Speaker 2: That's you, Chris.
Speaker 5: There's no need to mad dog people that drive eighteen wheelers.
Speaker 2: The fact that you had to cross that off your
Speaker 2: list is scary enough.
Speaker 1: You know what, everyone I've ever known that as a
Speaker 1: truck driver is a sweet, kind person.
Speaker 2: And why you're trying to fight with them and stare
Speaker 2: them down, I don't know.
Speaker 1: You're right, They're just they just they're in love with
Speaker 1: the road. And they usually have a Corgie in the
Speaker 1: cab with.
Speaker 2: Them and maybe a couple white whities, some crosstops, some Bennies,
Speaker 2: some down tears. What are those things? You know? Trucker pills.
Speaker 5: They got some black bees, sure, and they got red ladies.
Speaker 1: Yeah you got you take them pop a couple of
Speaker 1: red ladies.
Speaker 2: When you got a long haul overnight, you get a
Speaker 2: fucking iceberg. You get to take two icebergs and a larchmant.
Speaker 1: Is there a scene from Smoking in the bandit that
Speaker 1: where they talk about drug names and you're just reciting
Speaker 1: them all?
Speaker 2: How do you know?
Speaker 1: Probably about red ladies and whities.
Speaker 5: Don't be sexist. I know about all the pills, just
Speaker 5: like boys do. Can I tell you what I want?
Speaker 5: I don't know about any of the pills. Oh, I'll
Speaker 5: have to give you the pill list. It's amazing. All
Speaker 5: the cool boys have it.
Speaker 2: You just hand me.
Speaker 1: It's Santa Claus scroll and it's hundreds and hundreds of
Speaker 1: truck or.
Speaker 2: Pills aspirin al leave.
Speaker 1: I've heard of those, well.
Speaker 5: I said every pill. I forgot to put my garbage
Speaker 5: out again this week. It is so irritating. I have
Speaker 5: to put my garbage out on Tuesday night because the
Speaker 5: garbage maman comes literally like six am on Wednesday morning.
Speaker 2: I again forgot. Yeah, so it's another week.
Speaker 1: So it's where do is it out in the street
Speaker 1: or do you keep it in the house, stinking up
Speaker 1: lip It.
Speaker 2: On the side of the house.
Speaker 5: But then I have to keep it up above because
Speaker 5: the dogs will get it.
Speaker 2: And if I well, I won't be leaving.
Speaker 5: But if I do something, I'll come in and they'll
Speaker 5: be like garbage from five days ago laying throughout the
Speaker 5: living room because Frank got.
Speaker 1: Into a bag and wants to bring it inside to
Speaker 1: show you what he found.
Speaker 5: Hey, remember this, Hey, remember you loved this pizza? Now
Speaker 5: I love it too.
Speaker 2: But it's the kind of thing where like.
Speaker 5: There's no excuse to forget the garbage night putting the
Speaker 5: garbage out when I've been doing it for a year straight, Like,
Speaker 5: there's just no excuse.
Speaker 1: And especially now that there's a lot less to think about.
Speaker 2: There really is, and I still can't do it. I'm
Speaker 2: so mad.
Speaker 1: No, there's certain things I don't know what. We are
Speaker 1: less likely to go out that front door. I think
Speaker 1: that has a lot to do with everything, or at
Speaker 1: least that's why I'm doing less laundry. I'm scared to
Speaker 1: go that this launder bat So when I've gone out
Speaker 1: running or when I go skateboarding, I sweat a lot lately.
Speaker 1: I don't know why. I think it's glandular. But when
Speaker 1: I come home i've been I keep those clothes on
Speaker 1: and I do a pre wash by wearing those clothes
Speaker 1: in the shower and just kind of washing.
Speaker 2: It sounds strange.
Speaker 1: I know, I know that this is I know you're
Speaker 1: not gonna like this, Karen, But I do my sweaty
Speaker 1: outfit on and I wash it and then I line
Speaker 1: dry it and it gets dry and then it's not
Speaker 1: smelly and it's half clean, and then I put it
Speaker 1: in the hamper.
Speaker 2: Do you see what I'm saying. That's yes.
Speaker 5: I just think you can take those clothes off and
Speaker 5: wash them with them. There's I did very like Steve
Speaker 5: Martin's the jerk about standing and washing it.
Speaker 2: It's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: And if people were watching me shower like they used
Speaker 1: to do, I probably would feel embarrassed. But to be honest,
Speaker 1: I was taking them off. I was washing them by
Speaker 1: hand and kind of rubbing them together. And it's easier
Speaker 1: to wash your clothes if you keep them on and
Speaker 1: you just do all the motions of a shower while
Speaker 1: wearing a T shirt. I'm getting the armpit area, I'm
Speaker 1: getting the front, I'm using oxy clean. I'm spraying myself
Speaker 1: with chemicals. But then but then I out and I
Speaker 1: get another wear out of it. If it's if it's
Speaker 1: another run or another skateboard session. I don't need a
Speaker 1: fully clean shirt for that.
Speaker 2: You do, though, I think it's key.
Speaker 1: I don't like waste getting dressed to go immediately get sweaty.
Speaker 1: It's just the waste of an outfit. But that's very gross.
Speaker 2: I would thank you the focus.
Speaker 5: It's disgusting, and I think the focus should be more
Speaker 5: on the reception, because you don't want to be the
Speaker 5: guy in the skateboard group, which I know means the
Speaker 5: world to you, and it's a hard earned skateboard group
Speaker 5: and they're i'm sure vicious, and you can't show up
Speaker 5: smelling like the weird girl in eighth grade.
Speaker 1: Here's the it's just a testament to how we've been
Speaker 1: distancing because no one smelled shit so far.
Speaker 2: And are you sure that? Would they say it? I?
Speaker 1: You know what, those guys don't talk to me much.
Speaker 1: I don't think they care about me all that much.
Speaker 2: Did they know you're there? Chris? Is it your group
Speaker 2: of friends?
Speaker 1: They don't know anything about me except as a skateboarder
Speaker 1: that isn't quite as good as them. So it's a
Speaker 1: very much and I think it's good for me that
Speaker 1: it's like a sixth grade situation where I have to
Speaker 1: earn their respect every time I go meet them.
Speaker 2: Cool.
Speaker 5: Wait, are they again age appropriate or are they younger
Speaker 5: than you?
Speaker 1: No, they're all they're all in their forties. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: they're really good.
Speaker 5: They're all did they ever did they ever have a
Speaker 5: video that was for sale and Thrasher magazine?
Speaker 1: Sure, yeah, they've all they've all been pro skateboarders.
Speaker 2: I think that's cool.
Speaker 1: So I'm just as stude that always has done it
Speaker 1: as a hobby and they don't care about comedy or
Speaker 1: any stuff that I'm doing.
Speaker 2: No. Really, Yeah, so eight people like that.
Speaker 1: It's the only reason I half washed my shirt.
Speaker 5: It's like your little revenge, a half revenge for you.
Speaker 5: How did you find this group of people?
Speaker 2: No, this idea of it was your skateboarding group. And no,
Speaker 2: it's essentially a group you stand near who're all together.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 1: It is sad that as I talk it out, I
Speaker 1: feel kind of embarrassed about it. There's one guy, sorry,
Speaker 1: there's one guy.
Speaker 2: That is I laugh like this or should I stop laughing?
Speaker 1: No, no, no, it's okay. I am unaffected by anything.
Speaker 2: I know that you have dark brown hair.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, look at these eyebrows.
Speaker 2: They're natural.
Speaker 1: I look like a clown probably, But I my friend
Speaker 1: Ira is a friend. But he has since moved to
Speaker 1: San Diego. But he introduced me to this group. And
Speaker 1: I keep going to these seven am meetups, and and
Speaker 1: I think it's become kind of obvious that they don't
Speaker 1: really care if I'm there.
Speaker 2: So I don't know if I'm gonna keep going.
Speaker 5: Have you gone and given them gift bags or anything
Speaker 5: extended yourself in any way you make a friendship.
Speaker 1: I have not brought them gifts I have made to Yeah,
Speaker 1: I haven't. I haven't done much. Yeah, and maybe I
Speaker 1: need to try. I need to extend myself a little more.
Speaker 2: What was the skateboard company that sent you decks and
Speaker 2: T shirts? Girl? Girl?
Speaker 5: What if you brought you're like, hey, guys, I'm and look,
Speaker 5: I realized this is a white lie, but it might
Speaker 5: get you in a little further. Hey, I own girl,
Speaker 5: it's my I'm good friends with Spike Jones. And then
Speaker 5: you hand out decks to them and see.
Speaker 1: These guys actually know those people. Probably it would just
Speaker 1: be it's just backfire.
Speaker 2: They're like super embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, that's my brother in law.
Speaker 2: How dare you? I'll I'll fight you in the river bank.
Speaker 2: I just thought, oh God, I hope I won't have
Speaker 2: to fight down by the river. Well, I thought at
Speaker 2: this point, Brooks Wheeland waiting in the reeds to vacuu ups.
Speaker 1: Brooks Whelan has this brother that is Dave Bautista, giant,
Speaker 1: like a bodybuilder, and he showed me pictures of him,
Speaker 1: and I was laughing out loud because it's his older
Speaker 1: sibling and he's just a big he looks like the
Speaker 1: rock or something.
Speaker 2: It was just really funny. He showed me that when
Speaker 2: we're down by the river.
Speaker 1: Me and the boys, we show each other a lot
Speaker 1: of photos of our families.
Speaker 2: He pulled up a bunch of his brothers.
Speaker 1: And in the light was hitting the water just right.
Speaker 2: And man, he's got a muscular older brother. And then
Speaker 2: this crane swept by, I don't know, drinking Mickey's Big
Speaker 2: Mouse and looking at family albums.
Speaker 1: It's like down by the river, Yeah it's very mid eighties, yes,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, these skateboarders.
Speaker 1: I thought at some point i'd advance and get better
Speaker 1: and they'd be like, hey, you have a lot of
Speaker 1: old skills that are surfacing, but I've kind of leveled out.
Speaker 2: I'm not getting much better.
Speaker 5: They would be like, you made such great progress, Chris,
Speaker 5: and they'd go kind of rally around you.
Speaker 1: That was a day everyone left a little early and
Speaker 1: no one said good goodbye to me. Oh, I think
Speaker 1: I need to find a new group, Karen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's good. I don't like that for you. That's
Speaker 2: all right. Not everyone needs to like me.
Speaker 5: But here's the thing about I think skateboarders are so
Speaker 5: chill that it's not like I think you kind of
Speaker 5: get the same treatment either way. Right, It's just about
Speaker 5: all they give a shit about is their obsessive need
Speaker 5: to land the move they're working on. Right, So they're
Speaker 5: not going, oh, Chris with his half clean shirt is here.
Speaker 5: They're just doing their thing and if you want to
Speaker 5: be there, fine and whatever.
Speaker 2: You are so right, and I thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2: You're right. They aren't even thinking.
Speaker 1: My whole life, I've always thought, oh, no one likes
Speaker 1: me or but the fact is they're just not thinking
Speaker 1: about you. They're thinking about their own stuff, and it's
Speaker 1: not about you. And I have a weird it's almost
Speaker 1: like a narcissism in me that I need them to
Speaker 1: be reacting to my existence. Yes, it's important, Yeah, it
Speaker 1: really is. In the long run, I should be Maybe
Speaker 1: i'd be a little better if I was less worried
Speaker 1: about what they think and I was more thinking about my.
Speaker 2: Moves well, or that.
Speaker 5: Or you could sleep with one with one of their
Speaker 5: wives and then get in that way where suddenly everyone's
Speaker 5: talking about who is this Fairbanks guy? Why does he
Speaker 5: have such a hold on the group.
Speaker 2: You're right.
Speaker 1: The minute I showed up today, I did think I
Speaker 1: should sleep with one of your wives. But COVID distancing,
Speaker 1: They all wind kids, they seem like nice people.
Speaker 2: I'd be shattering family. Sleep later. Look, you got to
Speaker 2: make your mark. Whoever has to pay for that. That's
Speaker 2: not your proversion of Shoot first, ask questions later, Test first?
Speaker 2: What is it? Test first? Sleep of people? Okay, gotcha, gotcha.
Speaker 1: Don't say until you see the whites of their brand
Speaker 1: new wow babies. Oh it's terrible. I'm not sleeping with anyone, Karen.
Speaker 1: I'm living like a monk.
Speaker 2: Look we all are.
Speaker 5: That's also I think a really powerful part of quarantine
Speaker 5: for the people that there's lots of people who are
Speaker 5: in relationships and at this point they're absolutely miserable and
Speaker 5: God bless them all. And then there's the people who
Speaker 5: aren't in relationships and they're feeling a hopelessness as to
Speaker 5: the level of which that they've never experienced before. That's
Speaker 5: everyone is very unhappy.
Speaker 1: I have never vacuumed with sexual frustration before.
Speaker 2: But it is a thorough job, and.
Speaker 5: It almost certains into its own sexual experience after a while.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just yeah, it is my own. It's orgasmic
Speaker 1: that I was thinking of getting a new carpet, but
Speaker 1: I think I can just keep working on this one
Speaker 1: with some of my erotic energy that I've been putting
Speaker 1: into it.
Speaker 5: Yeah, put the energy in and bring the carpet back
Speaker 5: to life. Don't get a new one, just bring it.
Speaker 5: Vacuum out every last piece of dirt.
Speaker 1: But I want one of those round, natural ones.
Speaker 5: Like the ones that look like somebody braided a big
Speaker 5: old shitty rug together.
Speaker 2: Thank all the pieces, all the material pieces.
Speaker 1: It's very macrome owl on the floor looking carpet. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I want one of these.
Speaker 5: The first it's the first carpet you step in when
Speaker 5: you walk into the lake house.
Speaker 1: Yes, I want a lake house carpet. Sure, yeah, we
Speaker 1: all do.
Speaker 2: Hey, we all do.
Speaker 5: Look, that is your next step toward a relationship is
Speaker 5: get get carpets that people who love cottages would admire.
Speaker 5: And then that will draw like a moth to a flame.
Speaker 5: You'll have ladies in and out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it'll and it'll be good talking. Boy, It's good.
Speaker 1: It's a good conversation starter. Carpet here?
Speaker 2: What would that? What would that sound like? That conversation starter? Uh?
Speaker 1: Thank you for asking? Uh that that's me saying that
Speaker 1: to you. Here's the conversation. Oh, you've come over. Perhaps
Speaker 1: you'd like to take off your shoes before you walk.
Speaker 1: I'm my goddamn new carpet. That backfired.
Speaker 5: That seems aggressive, It got weird. Your voice was real low.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, very threatening. Well I haven't had a lot
Speaker 1: of practice being around people. So let's try again.
Speaker 2: You.
Speaker 1: Hey, do you like my new round, natural colored carpet.
Speaker 1: Go ahead and walk right across it. I don't care
Speaker 1: if it gets dirty. I just want to get to
Speaker 1: know you. What do you think.
Speaker 2: That was awful so many different ways.
Speaker 5: Okay, you told me where to walk, Okay, I also
Speaker 5: don't want to take my shoes off in a stranger's apartment.
Speaker 1: No, I said leave them on the second time, I
Speaker 1: was like, go ahead and walk wherever you want. You
Speaker 1: have the freedom to march across.
Speaker 5: I thought you were doing a thing where you were
Speaker 5: super into like your your foot guy, and you're into
Speaker 5: bare feet. And then you're like, walk all over my
Speaker 5: dirty apartment with your feet, Like I'm going to start
Speaker 5: taking pictures and posting them on Wiki.
Speaker 1: I don't have that much pent up sexual energy. And
Speaker 1: I don't understand these feet people, to be honest. Eating
Speaker 1: the most beautiful foot, the most ugly knobby foot with
Speaker 1: corns and bunions. I'm unaffected either way. I just don't
Speaker 1: pay attention to feet. Does that make me toenails? I
Speaker 1: do you know?
Speaker 2: What do you look for in a toenail? Criss?
Speaker 1: Just for them to not look like you've been kicking
Speaker 1: tree stumps all day. Just take care of them, you know.
Speaker 2: But other than that, you have no requirements.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't need feet to be all supple.
Speaker 2: I don't need them to not be ugly.
Speaker 1: I just need everyone in the world to wear shoes.
Speaker 1: I have the opposite of a foot fetish.
Speaker 2: You want to cover them up.
Speaker 1: I want the world to wear combat boots.
Speaker 5: Let me ask you a question you have So say
Speaker 5: you have your beautiful woven natural rug in the circular
Speaker 5: one that's right in your doorway.
Speaker 2: I have a dog eared on Amazon ready to order.
Speaker 5: Yes, so imagine that that's been delivered in three weeks
Speaker 5: from now, and you have it thrown down. And there's
Speaker 5: a gal and she's taken her shoes off outside and
Speaker 5: she walks into your apartment.
Speaker 2: You're like, this is it?
Speaker 5: And then her feet are so dry and calloused that
Speaker 5: they actually catch on that carpet and drag it with
Speaker 5: them into the rest of the house. What's your call there?
Speaker 5: What's the next play there?
Speaker 1: First of all, I think that her feet are dry
Speaker 1: because she's been putting hand sanitizer on them. You know
Speaker 1: it drives the skin. You don't You only need to
Speaker 1: do that with your hands. I sing the Birthday Song
Speaker 1: twice as I wash my hands, and then I sing
Speaker 1: it a second time as I wash my feet.
Speaker 2: You don't need to do that.
Speaker 1: You just need to keep Also, she's not coming in
Speaker 1: while you're washing your feet.
Speaker 2: No one is.
Speaker 1: Coming into my apartment. This is going to be a
Speaker 1: meet and greet at the door. Oh, I will open
Speaker 1: the door and say, look in here. I got this
Speaker 1: new carpet, but you can't come in. Good, good, So
Speaker 1: and the fact that you really it's kind of a
Speaker 1: horrifying situation. You're saying, her feet are so dry that
Speaker 1: they snaged the carpet.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, oh god. So she has the face. It
Speaker 2: looks she is the face of an angel. Angels angel
Speaker 2: she is, she's your dream lady from when you were
Speaker 2: twelve years old.
Speaker 1: But her feet are eagle talents.
Speaker 5: It looks like crusty Italian bread that have hooked onto
Speaker 5: this carpet.
Speaker 2: That's also natural.
Speaker 5: Oh, the two naturally naturally occurring items nixed together. And
Speaker 5: then she it looks like she's wearing one big almost
Speaker 5: like a one big what are those called snow a snowshoe.
Speaker 5: Shit's your rug and she's wearing it all around your apartment.
Speaker 2: Okay, you win, Karen.
Speaker 1: I guess I do have some opinions about feet.
Speaker 2: I told you, I knew I was going to prove it.
Speaker 2: You beat it out of me.
Speaker 1: I would maybe ask La, the lady whose feet snag
Speaker 1: my carpet and make it free, I would possibly ask
Speaker 1: to leave my home.
Speaker 5: You know what you could do, I'm going to solve
Speaker 5: this problem that I made up for you. Is like
Speaker 5: you're saying, you go, hey, can we have a hallway hang?
Speaker 5: I realized I am more comfortable that way. You actually
Speaker 5: give it a term like that Chris's hallway hangs. Then
Speaker 5: she can see it, she can visualize it. Oh, I
Speaker 5: belong out here with this one big rugshoe. Oh yeah,
Speaker 5: And I'll stand in the hallway and talk to him.
Speaker 1: So as long as I give it a name like
Speaker 1: it's a popular thing to.
Speaker 5: Do, it's just the thing you do every day at four,
Speaker 5: it's Chris's hallway hang.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Like with my buddy Jim, we have stoop drinks.
Speaker 1: We go out on a stoop and then he says
Speaker 1: that shit want to have a stoop drink, And I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know what that is. I've become comfortable with that
Speaker 1: saying I have to come up with this.
Speaker 2: Jim one of the skateboarders.
Speaker 1: No, no, he's a he's a regular friend that actually
Speaker 1: likes me.
Speaker 2: He cares about my well being.
Speaker 1: I was going to tell those guys today, I'm going
Speaker 1: to be gone for a couple of weeks.
Speaker 2: I'm going to go to Montana. But I didn't even
Speaker 2: bother you'd be like, guys, guys, you can still hang
Speaker 2: totally cool with me. I'm not going to be here though, So.
Speaker 1: There's a slim chance sometime in a couple of weeks
Speaker 1: they'll all be at Costco and they'll be like, Hey,
Speaker 1: where's Chris. We just realized we miss him. Yes, that
Speaker 1: kind of smelly little guy.
Speaker 2: They're going to be like, hey, we finally stuck that Allie. Yeah,
Speaker 2: Allie's flip a mick flip? Uh the mick whatever called?
Speaker 1: Uh just say a tray flip, Like say it. We
Speaker 1: were working on our three sixty flips the other day.
Speaker 1: Three sixty flip.
Speaker 2: It's so they finally yeah, three sixties now, and then
Speaker 2: they finally have the chance to focus on something outside themselves, right,
Speaker 2: which is a painful thing for them because they had
Speaker 2: hard childhoods.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and that's the reason that they scaped in the
Speaker 5: first place, is just to get away from the screaming
Speaker 5: and the light abuse.
Speaker 2: You mean, now, you bring up a good point.
Speaker 1: I've asked none of these guys about their childhoods.
Speaker 2: Get in. That's way I can ext it myself. Bring
Speaker 2: a gift.
Speaker 1: Ask about what it was like when they were kids.
Speaker 2: You're like, did you grow up similar to any of
Speaker 2: the dog town z boys?
Speaker 5: Just ask that first and they'll love that. They'll know
Speaker 5: you saw the documentary.
Speaker 2: Yeah, which any core skateboarder does. They bring up that dog.
Speaker 5: I feel like you're playing with not that they're mean,
Speaker 5: but like skateboarders as a hanging group seem very it's
Speaker 5: borderline surfing where it's very clicky and like locals only
Speaker 5: type stuff. I mean, it feels like you're playing with
Speaker 5: fire here, even though they're fifty.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's my experience hasn't been it's always like quirky,
Speaker 1: creative kids. But you're right, this feels very much like
Speaker 1: we're all meeting at a surf spot and it's kind
Speaker 1: of territory. That's exactly how it is. You're hitting all
Speaker 1: the nails on the heads. So here's the serration today.
Speaker 5: Here's what I think. When you were in Montana, get
Speaker 5: everyone a little souvenir, and so when you come back,
Speaker 5: here's this is a snow globe with the mountain range
Speaker 5: that I looked at as a child.
Speaker 2: Sure, okay, and that's for you, Rudy, you're so good.
Speaker 2: What if I gave them all snow globes?
Speaker 1: I just this one, says Glacier National Park. I hope
Speaker 1: you enjoy it.
Speaker 2: Yep, they're all wrapped.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you really take a moment. After the session's over.
Speaker 1: I'll bring them stick you know what I will pick up.
Speaker 1: I'll pick some stickers up and I'll give them stickers
Speaker 1: from my local friends skate shop. Maybe they'll appreciate that.
Speaker 5: Great, Yes, But then I would also something to remember
Speaker 5: the state by. You know, maybe they've never had a
Speaker 5: chance to go to Montana, so you can.
Speaker 2: Say these are our fresh blueberries. What have you?
Speaker 1: What if I had dry through Glacier Park, take some
Speaker 1: pictures and just show them pictures on my phone.
Speaker 2: Is that enough of a gift. It's not. That's not
Speaker 2: a gift.
Speaker 1: Look at this, it's going to the sun Road. It's beautiful.
Speaker 1: All right, that's enough.
Speaker 2: That's enough. You look, looks don't touch? Yeah, everyone looked.
Speaker 5: Don't touch is the most devastating thing someone could say
Speaker 5: to you. And you're just like, look at my thing, look,
Speaker 5: don't touch.
Speaker 1: Oh God, Yeah, that was that seems abusive. That's yeah, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a that's a real say it don't spray it thing.
Speaker 1: I have a speech, I'm working on it. I have
Speaker 1: a tongue thrust. You think I asked for it. It
Speaker 1: was a gift from God. I don't need some popular
Speaker 1: kid saying say it, don't spray it. I need the news,
Speaker 1: not the weather. You're hurting my feelings. Sorry, spit.
Speaker 2: Did you spit on kids? It sounds like a lot, Karen,
Speaker 2: A lot. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was a spitter and a nose picker. I found
Speaker 1: Actually this isn't I was gonna say. It was my story.
Speaker 1: My friend Ross, he liked this girl and then he
Speaker 1: found a note in the playground and it was a
Speaker 1: note that one girl had written to another. And she said,
Speaker 1: I sure like Ross. He's really cute, but he picks
Speaker 1: his nose a lot. And I just remember now, I
Speaker 1: was thinking, well that that note could have been about me.
Speaker 2: Look, I just did it. Yeah, but that's not the
Speaker 2: same pinching the side of your nostril because there's a
Speaker 2: little itch or maybe there's something going on. Yes, it's passable.
Speaker 5: No to do it in your car when you're by
Speaker 5: yourself and this was zoom a zoom call.
Speaker 1: But what what kind of a kid in sixth grade
Speaker 1: takes out a tiss to you and blows their nose
Speaker 1: all loud and making sure the whole classroom looks back
Speaker 1: at them. You.
Speaker 5: No, you're acting like the only choice is to pick
Speaker 5: your nose at school. Why don't boys understand that every
Speaker 5: move you make it school will absolutely be talked about
Speaker 5: and held against you. Yeah, Like, if you want to
Speaker 5: pick your nose, that's for you to do in the
Speaker 5: privacy of your bedroom with the music turned out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, totally yeah.
Speaker 1: But listening to punk rock, Yeah, that's how you get
Speaker 1: a nose bleed. I picked my nose to Roxy music.
Speaker 2: Because you're fucking stylish.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, okay, uh yeah, thank god I kicked that habit.
Speaker 5: It's a love picking picking, picking a love. I couldn't
Speaker 5: think of it roxy music songs, so I just went
Speaker 5: I went with that one.
Speaker 1: Well, get on Spotify and rediscover.
Speaker 2: Them abb alone picking your nose to avalon Ah, that's funny.
Speaker 1: Oh god, Ross, I'm sorry I told a story about
Speaker 1: the note you found.
Speaker 2: If you're listening Ross, listen, Wait, what grade was that in?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 2: Like sixth grade, because you know, it's funny.
Speaker 5: April and I were talking about it. We were laughing
Speaker 5: so hard at all the things that happened to you
Speaker 5: that are bad in like junior high in high school.
Speaker 2: Yeah that you cause she, like she and Millie had.
Speaker 5: We're talking about somebody they went to high school with
Speaker 5: and how like they were popular in high school and
Speaker 5: not and not, you know whatever, life didn't do well
Speaker 5: by them, and that whole idea of like thank god
Speaker 5: we didn't peak in high school. But as we were
Speaker 5: talking about it, I'm like totally. But then I thought
Speaker 5: to myself, where I'm like, no, but I've been so
Speaker 5: you know, fueled by like I didn't I wasn't popular
Speaker 5: in high school and how much it bothered me and
Speaker 5: how much I wanted to like prove that I'm popular
Speaker 5: or whatever.
Speaker 2: And it's like, but you can't.
Speaker 5: You look back and like the people that were popular
Speaker 5: weren't funny or cool.
Speaker 2: It was just this weird they played football or yeah yeah,
Speaker 2: or they were just for the girls.
Speaker 5: It was like they were all pocket sized, small or
Speaker 5: just had weird per thick faces or whatever. But like
Speaker 5: but then went on to kind of like muck around
Speaker 5: in reality and not have a very good time because
Speaker 5: no one gave a shit about them once high school
Speaker 5: was over.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's sad to think about it. I feel bad
Speaker 1: for that. I haven't been to a high school reunion.
Speaker 1: I don't think I want to be confronted by that stuff.
Speaker 1: But you're right. I didn't like high school. I thought
Speaker 1: no one liked me until the very end, Like senior year,
Speaker 1: I was like, wait, a lot of these people like me.
Speaker 1: And then I had so much fun in college and
Speaker 1: made friends right away. It's like, maybe it was just
Speaker 1: my high school was haunted.
Speaker 5: No, it was ghosts that made you unpopular, not you're
Speaker 5: constant nose picking.
Speaker 2: Hey, I curved that.
Speaker 1: But no, you're right, I picked all through high school.
Speaker 2: But would you actually do it like in a class?
Speaker 1: Oh am, I gonna have a hanky in my back
Speaker 1: pocket like some kind of a grandpa.
Speaker 2: How is that worse than putting your finger in your
Speaker 2: fucking nose?
Speaker 1: It's just more convenient for who?
Speaker 2: What about those around you?
Speaker 1: I was real secretive. No one ever saw me, no
Speaker 1: one ever caught me. I was real good sleight of hand,
Speaker 1: it was early magic.
Speaker 2: Why wouldn't you wait to go into the.
Speaker 1: Bathroom because there's so many germs. That's the last place
Speaker 1: you could use your fingers for anything.
Speaker 2: Have you ever picked your nose in front of the
Speaker 2: skateboard crew? Oh god? Probably?
Speaker 1: Oh god, group, those guys are never gonna like me.
Speaker 2: All right, Well, what are your final thoughts? Chris?
Speaker 1: If you haven't watched my special Rescue Cactus, I made
Speaker 1: it a little easier and it is now on Chris
Speaker 1: Fairbanks Comedy Special dot com or Rescue Cactus dot com
Speaker 1: great as well as where Narley. But yeah, it's on vimeo.
Speaker 1: Please watch it. Uh, we're getting close to our goal
Speaker 1: of paying for it, and yeah, thank you. That's all.
Speaker 1: That's all I have to plug.
Speaker 5: How about you, Karen, I don't have anything to plug.
Speaker 5: Although there's a documentary that I watched the other night.
Speaker 5: We keep watching these documentaries and there's this documentary called
Speaker 5: Recorded I believe, and it's the Marianne Stokes Project.
Speaker 2: There was a woman in Philadelphia, I believe.
Speaker 5: In the all through the eighties and nineties and early
Speaker 5: two thousands who recorded twenty four hours of television news
Speaker 5: every day. She had a whole system of VCRs in
Speaker 5: her apartment. It's the most fascinating story. And she was
Speaker 5: this really, really intelligent, kind of like almost of the
Speaker 5: intelligentsia of the local culture woman. And she was black
Speaker 5: and she hosted a television show like that was on PBS.
Speaker 5: It's the most fascinating story. We were like blown away.
Speaker 5: It was really I'm going to watch it.
Speaker 1: I want to ask why she was recording all that,
Speaker 1: but it's probably in the documentary and I should just
Speaker 1: watch it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you should. It's really good. It's really good.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to watch it. And by the way, Karen,
Speaker 1: see this nice white shirt that I'm wearing. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: washed it on my body in the shower and it
Speaker 1: smells great. I just got a whiff of it. It
Speaker 1: smells great. Don't get mad at me, because I know
Speaker 1: the future of clothing washing. You keep it on your
Speaker 1: body and you act like it's part of your skin,
Speaker 1: And do you wash it with shampoo and I line dryot. Yes,
Speaker 1: I've washed it with a soap that's good for your hair,
Speaker 1: and your skin is zestfully clean. And I'm going to
Speaker 1: write that company and say you might as well add
Speaker 1: clothes to the list, because.
Speaker 2: My shirts smell great and my skin is supple, is it.
Speaker 5: Are you using Lever two thousand for all your two
Speaker 5: thousand parts on that shirt?
Speaker 2: Oh fucking a.
Speaker 1: Do you remember a soap that hasn't existed for twenty.
Speaker 5: Years because it meant the world to me where I
Speaker 5: was like, yeah, maybe I should get I'm going to
Speaker 5: get my mom to buy Lever two thousand because it's
Speaker 5: for all your two thousand parts.
Speaker 1: He was sing that part of your brain that you
Speaker 1: could be remembering an actor when someone says name an
Speaker 1: actor and you just well.
Speaker 2: I can't have a favorite actor because you got soap
Speaker 2: in the brain, because I'm like, for all your two
Speaker 2: thousand parts. Remember, it was like and then it was
Speaker 2: the squares. It was like this part of your elbow,
Speaker 2: this part of your knee. Yeah, Weaver two thousand.
Speaker 1: God, it's one of those ads that lets us know
Speaker 1: that we are evolving and we were kind of dumb
Speaker 1: twenty twenty five years ago.
Speaker 2: It's true.
Speaker 5: It was because that soap was almost marketed like this
Speaker 5: is computer soap for the future people, and.
Speaker 2: I was like, I've got to be a part of
Speaker 2: this movement.
Speaker 6: Now there was an American soap that washes absolutely what
Speaker 6: is dirty on you parts? Liver leave two thousand and
Speaker 6: the future of soap imagine.
Speaker 2: They were.
Speaker 1: It was like, we need a futuristic soap name yep,
Speaker 1: think of this unt touchable year, the year two thousand.
Speaker 1: It's sure, it's nineteen eighty eight now, yeah, but in
Speaker 1: two thousand, our soap is gonna hover off the sink
Speaker 1: into our space showers.
Speaker 2: Or we'll wash our own clothes on our bodies.
Speaker 1: You'll just put your hands back and much like the Jetsons,
Speaker 1: the soap will a little antenno come out of it and.
Speaker 2: It'll wash your body without your help. And then to
Speaker 2: turn to the camera and go, it's a living I
Speaker 2: hate my space job.
Speaker 5: You'd think this guy'd be a little cleaner. I always
Speaker 5: love those jokes in cartoons growing up, where they were
Speaker 5: overtly not jokes, like not funny, and I would just
Speaker 5: be like, oh.
Speaker 1: That's just an animal being abused. Tsd eat garbage under
Speaker 1: the sink all day, No.
Speaker 5: Wonder that weird stork doesn't want to be the garbage
Speaker 5: dispussal at Fort Flintstone's house. He's bummed, he's gotta eat
Speaker 5: all those bones. And all right, this is us wrapping up.
Speaker 2: Yep, yep.
Speaker 1: We always do wind down with conclusionary statements. Thank you
Speaker 1: for listening. It's good to see you, Karen. I feel
Speaker 1: like we're almost in the same room.
Speaker 5: I know, it's good to see you too. It's let's
Speaker 5: do another one of those trivia zoom shows. That was
Speaker 5: the most fun.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, let's invite ourselves.
Speaker 5: Okay, okay, Well let's treat everything like a group of
Speaker 5: fifty year old skateboarders and just invite ourselves.
Speaker 1: Oh so whatevers. Really embarrassed now, I just keep showing up.
Speaker 1: I realize these guys don't really like me.
Speaker 2: I'm going to show up with you one time and
Speaker 2: then just throw out like a folding chair and then
Speaker 2: watch you and take pictures and just make it all
Speaker 2: the most humiliating experience I have.
Speaker 1: I've brought friends. I'm like, look, this guy likes me.
Speaker 1: It just isn't helping.
Speaker 2: They're a tough group. But you know what if they'll
Speaker 2: have your back if you get stabbed.
Speaker 5: In that parking lot, I bet you they will come
Speaker 5: and wrap your wound or Saint John's.
Speaker 2: I think you're right. Actually, yeah, they're not.
Speaker 5: They're not about talk. They don't they're not about communicating feelings.
Speaker 2: They're men. You know there's skateboarding men. You do.
Speaker 1: You do have a point. And I haven't even thought
Speaker 1: about it that much, but you're right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think about it all the time.
Speaker 5: I can't stop obsessing over it. How we get in
Speaker 5: with this group?
Speaker 2: All right, let's go. Yeah, good to see your friend.
Speaker 1: You've been listening to You've been You've been listening, You've
Speaker 1: been listening.
Speaker 2: I'm a little kid.
Speaker 1: Who's been outside playing and I'm excited to tell me.
Speaker 1: You guys, Hey, you guys, you you've been listening to? Uh?
Speaker 2: Do you need right? D Y N A R? I
Speaker 2: even want to way bad?
Speaker 3: Either way, we want to be there.
Speaker 4: Doesn't matter how much bag you.
Speaker 2: Claim to give us.
Speaker 3: Time and a turmanol and gay.
Speaker 4: We want to send you off instar Do you want
Speaker 4: to welcome you back home?
Speaker 2: Tell us all about every scared he was?
Speaker 1: It fine?
Speaker 2: Melbourne?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 4: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: To ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris