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Speaker 1: I actually realize how much more confident you can sound

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Speaker 1: and how much clearer you can be just by taking

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Speaker 1: out those filler words. It feels more intentional and easier

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Speaker 1: to understand. But it took me into deeper thoughts of

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Speaker 1: this idea, of the need we get to fill silences

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Speaker 1: and the discomfort silence can invoke inside of us. We

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Speaker 1: think it's a discomfort in the moment with another person,

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Speaker 1: but actually sometimes it might be showing us a discomfort

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Speaker 1: that we feel in ourselves. I'm Radi Wukiah and on

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Speaker 1: my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy

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Speaker 1: and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfiltered conversations

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Speaker 1: that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn,

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Speaker 1: connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and welcome back

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Speaker 1: to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry.

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Speaker 2: Now, if you guys are new here, thank you so

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Speaker 2: much for coming hello.

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Speaker 1: And if you are an OG listener, thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for being here again and again. So today's episode

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Speaker 1: is going to be a little bit of a shorter one.

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Speaker 1: It's just something I've been thinking about, but I think

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Speaker 1: it's extremely useful. But you all sent me such lovely

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Speaker 1: messages after my episode about my grandma, and so I

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Speaker 1: want to give you guys a little bit an update.

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Speaker 1: She is doing really well. Actually, she's quite fabulous. I

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Speaker 1: would say she's a bit of a medical marvel, to

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Speaker 1: be honest, because she's kind of gone against everything that

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Speaker 1: the doctors had said would happen, and we're just getting

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Speaker 1: some really wonderful time with her. She has been thriving.

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Speaker 1: The other day, I walked in and I thought she'd

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Speaker 1: been at a spa because she was just glowing. And

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Speaker 1: part of me thinks it is just the magic of

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Speaker 1: a spiritual connection. A big part of me feels that

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Speaker 1: there's never a way to prove that you can't really

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Speaker 1: tell what's happening. But I have seen that in many people,

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Speaker 1: where their spiritual practice is so deep and their beliefs

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Speaker 1: are so strong that they go against what the medical

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Speaker 1: system would think would happen to somebody like that, regardless

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Speaker 1: of all the figures that they're seeing or the blood

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Speaker 1: results that are coming back. Somehow something else is carrying them,

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Speaker 1: you know. And that's definitely what I'm experiencing with my grandma.

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Speaker 1: So I'm still in London, really enjoying my time here,

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Speaker 1: being able to come back for this long after being

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Speaker 1: away for eight years. You know, I've obviously come back

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Speaker 1: and forth quite often, but it's so weird how easily

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Speaker 1: you can adapt to a space. Because I have come back,

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Speaker 1: and although I miss La obviously, with my family here

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Speaker 1: and Jay coming back and forth, it you know, doesn't

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Speaker 1: really feel like there's much that I am missing in La,

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Speaker 1: which is crazy because it's been my home for nearly

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Speaker 1: eight years. And so one thing I've really noticed is

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Speaker 1: how easy it is to adjust and adapt to a place.

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Speaker 2: But I guess it's the easiest.

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Speaker 1: When you have community or family or people that you

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Speaker 1: love in that space. And it made me realize that, oh,

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Speaker 1: you really need all the people that you love around

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Speaker 1: you and anywhere I can feel like home. So I'm

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Speaker 1: just living day by day and very much so realizing

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Speaker 1: that life is just not in your control a lot

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Speaker 1: of the times, you just have to go with the

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Speaker 1: flow and just let things be.

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Speaker 2: Did I expect to be in London at this time

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Speaker 2: of year?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 2: Am I happy about it? Actually? Yes?

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Speaker 1: And I think it's showing me and teaching me for

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Speaker 1: my body and my mind and the way that I

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Speaker 1: want to connect to people. It's actually taught me so much.

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Speaker 1: Since I've been here and Jay has been on tour

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Speaker 1: and he recently came back. He's been back twice since

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Speaker 1: I've been here. Oh, we actually went away to Italy

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Speaker 1: for a short period. It was just three days, but

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Speaker 1: it was really nice to get away together and have

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Speaker 1: time to reconnect. And that's actually how through our relationship

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Speaker 1: we have been able to connect, even though we have

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Speaker 1: had a lot of time apart. So at the beginning

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Speaker 1: of our relationship, Jay would travel a lot for work

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Speaker 1: and I would still be in New York or when

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Speaker 1: we moved to la whether it was him going on

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Speaker 1: tour or me coming back here or him traveling for work,

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Speaker 1: we actually have had quite a few gaps away from

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Speaker 1: each other and so a rule that well, Jay came

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Speaker 1: up with this, but it was a very good rule

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Speaker 1: that I also agreed to, so I guess I played

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Speaker 1: part in it. He said what we should do is

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Speaker 1: every month we should go away for a distance which

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Speaker 1: was less than two hours away for a minimum of

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Speaker 1: two days, just to get a moment of reconnection. And

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Speaker 1: so we haven't been able to keep that up that

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Speaker 1: much recently, but just having a couple of days of

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Speaker 1: connection when you've had time away from each other is

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Speaker 1: so needed and so wonderful. And so we went away

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Speaker 1: to Italy for a couple of days and we got

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Speaker 1: to wander around Rome, went to some delicious restaurants, and

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Speaker 1: it was the first time Joe was okay without having

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Speaker 1: a plan. Usually he's the planner, he wants everything mapped out.

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Speaker 1: But it was just so nice going with the flow

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Speaker 1: and just having the ability to wander around, be with

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Speaker 1: each other, actually speak to each other, catch up, and

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Speaker 1: so we had that and then he's going to come back.

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Speaker 1: It's my birthday coming up on the thirtieth of July,

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Speaker 1: and it's the first time I'm going to have been

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Speaker 1: in London with my family for my birthday in over

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Speaker 1: eight years. And so what I'm planning to do is

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Speaker 1: do something that I used to do when I was

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Speaker 1: younger for my birthday, So go to my local park

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Speaker 1: or in my mom's garden, have some barbecue pizzas and

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Speaker 1: play some games like rounders and family competitive games.

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Speaker 2: And that's honestly all I really want to do.

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Speaker 1: Another thing I want to do, which I used to

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Speaker 1: do when I was younger, is strawberry picking on my birthday.

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Speaker 1: The best memory I have of my birthday is when

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Speaker 1: my dad would take time off work on my birthday

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Speaker 1: and we'd go strawberry picking. And that sounds so British,

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Speaker 1: doesn't it, But it's because strawberries are the best during

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Speaker 1: this time, so we'd go strawberry picking and then we'd

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Speaker 1: come back. My mum would make some frozen yogurt ice

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Speaker 1: cream from the strawberries, and we'd sit play games and

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Speaker 1: have fun in the garden. So that's what I'm planning

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Speaker 1: to do for my birthday this year. But anyway, going

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Speaker 1: back to the topic that this podcast is supposed to

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Speaker 1: be about, is about something that I've recently become extremely

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Speaker 1: aware of, and that is the colossal amount of times

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Speaker 1: I say like or when speaking, especially when I listen

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Speaker 1: back to my own podcasts or even when I'm in

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Speaker 1: conversation with others.

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Speaker 2: I can hear it.

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Speaker 1: It's like I'm observing myself in the back of my mind,

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Speaker 1: but I'm unable to stop myself from doing it. Sometimes,

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Speaker 1: even when I'm finishing sentences, I end it with so

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Speaker 1: yeah or uh, what was I going to say, even

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Speaker 1: though I wasn't going to say anything. So I started

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Speaker 1: thinking about that and I think a big part of

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Speaker 1: it comes from carrying the conversation to the next place.

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Speaker 2: It felt like something that I wasn't really.

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Speaker 1: In control of, but I think I was using it

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Speaker 1: as a way to continue the conversation onto the next place,

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Speaker 1: or to fill gaps, and it had become a habit.

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Speaker 1: But honestly, a habit isn't created. It doesn't just appear

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Speaker 1: or just happen. It's created over time and with a lot,

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Speaker 1: a lot, a lot of repetition. So me being me,

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Speaker 1: I started thinking about where on earth did I pick

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Speaker 1: up this language from and how am I only us

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Speaker 1: noticing it? And I did try blaming it on the

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Speaker 1: American culture. I have been in America for eight years now,

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Speaker 1: and so I'm sure I picked up a few things

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Speaker 1: from there. But you know what, there's only so far

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Speaker 1: you can get from blaming others. But also it showed

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Speaker 1: me how much you can collect things throughout your life

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Speaker 1: without even noticing it, and how careful and aware that

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Speaker 1: means we have to be in our surroundings. But anyway,

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Speaker 1: I brought this up to Jay recently and he gave

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Speaker 1: me some solid advice. As usual, he said he went

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Speaker 1: through a phase of working on that too, and he

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Speaker 1: found two really simple techniques that made all the difference,

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Speaker 1: and that was slowing down and pausing. It was literally

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Speaker 1: just those two things, slowing down in my speech, in

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Speaker 1: my sentences, thinking before I'm speaking, and then pausing and

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Speaker 1: allowing there to be pauses and silences between those sentences.

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Speaker 2: So when it comes to slowing down.

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Speaker 1: Really it's because when you end up speaking too quickly,

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Speaker 1: it can lead to all these filler words that you're using.

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Speaker 1: So when you slow down your pace and you allow

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Speaker 1: your brain to catch up with the words that you

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Speaker 1: are saying or are or like, are most of the

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Speaker 1: time users placeholders while we end up gathering our thoughts

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Speaker 1: or we're deciding.

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Speaker 2: On what to say next.

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Speaker 1: So if you substitute the arms for just pauses or

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Speaker 1: silent moments, it can literally solve ninety percent of your

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Speaker 1: army and eyeing, which.

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Speaker 2: Sounds so simple, right, But it's taken me.

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Speaker 1: Such a long time to even get into the habit

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Speaker 1: of doing that, to not fill those silences or fill

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Speaker 1: those gaps. So I've really been working on slowing down

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Speaker 1: my speech. I have had a fair bit of feedback,

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Speaker 1: especially on my podcast, when I'm speaking like I'm already

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Speaker 1: on two X, and it is a symptom of my

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Speaker 1: nerves and anxiety in those moments. And to be honest,

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Speaker 1: when we do that in person or when we're in conversation,

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Speaker 1: it could also be a reflection of our nerves because

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Speaker 1: our speech is usually the slowest, and we're the most

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Speaker 1: comfortable around the people that we are the most comfortable around.

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Speaker 1: So if you're in a social setting that you're already

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Speaker 1: feeling anxious or not, it's likely that just like our

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Speaker 1: breath changes when we're in situations where we feel uncomfortable,

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Speaker 1: our speech also changes. It's kind of the same thing.

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Speaker 1: And so one of the techniques that I've been using

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Speaker 1: is as soon as I hear myself doing it, I

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Speaker 1: start taking deeper breaths between sentences to regulate my nerves.

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Speaker 1: I've noticed myself doing that when I am in podcasts,

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Speaker 1: where suddenly I become really hyper aware of the fact

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Speaker 1: that I am speaking so fast, and I just take

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Speaker 1: a breath, and just by taking that simple breath, it

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Speaker 1: makes me so much more aware of the pace that

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Speaker 1: I'm going at and also forces me to slow down.

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Speaker 1: So taking deep breaths between sentences, even if you're not

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Speaker 1: used to taking gaps. A breath can help you to

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Speaker 1: fill that gap in a way that isn't umming, eyeing,

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Speaker 1: or liking. I've also only been doing this for over

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Speaker 1: a week now consciously, and just by doing those two things,

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Speaker 1: my whole speech has transformed, and it really feels like

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Speaker 1: as if it has given more power in myself. I

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Speaker 1: actually recently heard this podcast by on Jay's podcast. Actually

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Speaker 1: this lady Korsadia Khan, and not only is she obviously

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Speaker 1: so intellectual and is so good at taking psychology and

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Speaker 1: making it feel useful and applicable and understandable, but the

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Speaker 1: power really came from her ability to speak so clearly

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Speaker 1: and throughout the whole time I was listening, she did

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Speaker 1: not have one filler word in between her sentences, and

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Speaker 1: so I actually realized how much more confident you can

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Speaker 1: sound and how much clearer you can be just by

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Speaker 1: taking out those filler words. So actually not only makes

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Speaker 1: you feel more confident, but I think the person receiving

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Speaker 1: the information is able to hear you clearer, and you're

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Speaker 1: able to articulate yourself and put across your point so

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Speaker 1: much better. By creating this slower pace and removing all

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Speaker 1: of these filler words, it feels more intentional and easier

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Speaker 1: to understand. But anyway, I bought this up today not

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Speaker 1: give you a speech lesson, but it took me into

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Speaker 1: deeper thoughts of this idea, of the need we get

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Speaker 1: to fill silences and the discomfort silence can invoke inside

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Speaker 1: of us. We think it's a discomfort in the moment

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Speaker 1: with another person, but actually sometimes it might be showing

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Speaker 1: us a discomfort that we feel in ourselves. My sister

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Speaker 1: told me this story about being at this retreat and

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Speaker 1: one of the exercises was grabbing someone else in the

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Speaker 1: retreet and sitting opposite them to stare into each other's eyes,

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Speaker 1: just maintaining eye contact for sixty seconds.

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Speaker 2: That's one minute.

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Speaker 1: One minute can go so fast, but when it comes

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Speaker 1: to something like this, it sounds so simple, But I

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Speaker 1: have tried to do this before, and it can feel

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Speaker 1: so uncomfortable. Those sixty seconds feel like five minutes. And

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Speaker 1: she told me I actually made her well up into tears,

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Speaker 1: and the person opposite her said, what is it that

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Speaker 1: you don't want me to see?

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Speaker 2: What is it that you do not want me to see?

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Speaker 2: Why is it that you're feeling so uncomfortable?

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Speaker 1: In this innner, and so I started thinking about that

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Speaker 1: for me, what is it that I don't want people

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Speaker 1: to see through the silences?

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Speaker 2: Is it that I'm boring?

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Speaker 1: Is it so that they don't lose interest and move

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Speaker 1: on to the next conversation.

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Speaker 2: Is it so that they don't see me thinking?

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Speaker 1: Because thinking might look like I don't really know what

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Speaker 1: I'm talking about.

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Speaker 2: But that question is such a great question. What is

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Speaker 2: it that you do not.

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Speaker 1: Want people to see in the silences? And I think

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Speaker 1: it's applicable in many different ways. What is it that

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Speaker 1: I don't want this person to notice about me? Whether

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Speaker 1: it's in a dating situation, whether it is in an

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Speaker 1: intellectual situation, whether it's in a social setting.

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Speaker 2: What is it that I'm.

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Speaker 1: Trying to hide or avoid through this continuous conversation without

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Speaker 1: these gaps where they can actually see me or hear

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Speaker 1: me for who I am. And actually, this exercise that

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Speaker 1: they did at the retreat is such a good one

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Speaker 1: to do with someone that you think you're close to

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Speaker 1: a partner, or your mom or your sibling, to see

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Speaker 1: if you can actually sit with them in silence, not

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Speaker 1: distracted on your phone. We're really just looking into each

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Speaker 1: other's eyes. Actually, think about it now, When was the

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Speaker 1: last time you did that with someone that you think

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Speaker 1: you're close to, even your partner, When was the last

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Speaker 1: time you sat for sixty seconds and just looked into

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Speaker 1: each other's eyes just like this, like I am with

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Speaker 1: you right now. It can be really difficult, and I

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Speaker 1: think it can invoke a lot of emotions just by

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Speaker 1: that connection, because we don't get that kind of connection usually.

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Speaker 2: Our connection is so distracted.

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Speaker 1: It's filled with external stimulus, whether it's our phone, whether

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Speaker 1: it's the TV, whether it's listening to music in the

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Speaker 1: background while we're spending time with someone.

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Speaker 2: And so this one on one.

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Speaker 1: Connection of eye contact, I think it can make you

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Speaker 1: feel almost too seen. It can make you feel really

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable in that situation. And you know, this idea of

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Speaker 1: filling the gaps is kind of similar to that feeling

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Speaker 1: when you volunteered too much information about yourself in those

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Speaker 1: situations that you actually didn't want to share or had

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Speaker 1: no intention of sharing that information with people, but for

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Speaker 1: some reason, to fill the gaps, you end up sharing

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Speaker 1: a little bit too much and leaving that space like

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Speaker 1: why did I even say that?

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Speaker 2: Or why did I tell anybody that I didn't even

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Speaker 2: want to talk about that in that moment.

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Speaker 1: And so since I've started putting it into practice, i

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Speaker 1: will be in conversation and I'll catch myself about to

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Speaker 1: say and instead I just pause or completely slow down.

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Speaker 1: And at first it feels really awkward, like I'm glitching

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Speaker 1: in some way. But the more that I practice, the

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Speaker 1: more comfortable that I get with it. Just letting the

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Speaker 1: silence be there, letting myself think from sentence to sentence,

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Speaker 1: letting others wait for what I actually have to say,

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Speaker 1: letting there be space between my thoughts. And honestly, I

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Speaker 1: think it makes me a better listener too, because I'm

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Speaker 1: not just sitting here preparing what I want to say next.

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Speaker 1: I'm actually with the other person instead of performing for them.

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Speaker 1: There's a psychological term called self monitoring, and it's basically

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Speaker 1: when we constantly adjust our behavior to fit into the

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Speaker 1: situation that we're in. And so people who are used

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Speaker 1: to being self monitors are hyper aware of how they

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Speaker 1: are coming across to other people. So they scan for reactions,

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Speaker 1: they tweak their tone, they fill their gaps and make

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Speaker 1: sure there are no awkward moments. And it's not necessarily

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Speaker 1: a bad thing. It can actually make you a person

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Speaker 1: that's easier to talk to, or seem more dynamic or charismatic,

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Speaker 1: but it can also mean that you may end up

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Speaker 1: coming away from conversations feeling like it wasn't really you

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Speaker 1: talking in that space, because you're always performing, even in

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Speaker 1: those microways, and so in a weird way, these fill

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Speaker 1: of words are kind of just these mini performances in

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Speaker 1: between the sentences that we are trying to actually speak.

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Speaker 1: They're subtle ways of saying, don't worry, I'm actually still here,

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Speaker 1: I'm still engaging, or a way to say I haven't

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Speaker 1: lost your attention, have I Please do not disconnect. And

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Speaker 1: it reminds me of this quote by this stoic philosopher Epictocus,

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Speaker 1: and I never say his name right, but he says

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Speaker 1: something like, it's not events themselves that disturb us, but

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Speaker 1: our judgment about them. So we get uncomfortable in silence,

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Speaker 1: not because silence is inherently uncomfortable or awkward, but because

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Speaker 1: we have judged it as being awkward.

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Speaker 2: We tell ourselves they must be bored, or I'm not

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Speaker 2: doing enough, or I sound a little bit unsure.

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Speaker 1: But actually, if I think about the people that I'm

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Speaker 1: the most captivated by when they're speaking or in conversation

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Speaker 1: with it is actually people who do practice this. There's

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Speaker 1: a kind of quiet confidence in someone who pauses, in

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Speaker 1: someone who takes the time to think about their next sentence.

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Speaker 1: It says, I'm not rushing to prove myself. I'm not

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Speaker 1: afraid to take my time. It's powerful. The people who

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Speaker 1: don't rush to speak are often the ones that we

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Speaker 1: tune into and listen to the most, because when they

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Speaker 1: finally do say something, you know that it's going to

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Speaker 1: be real. And actually, when you speak to someone who

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Speaker 1: doesn't stop talking, you probably feel less connected because it

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Speaker 1: feels like there's no space for reciprocation, and connection requires reciprocation.

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Speaker 1: Even in a five minute conversation, you can either come

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Speaker 1: away from that thinking, God, I don't think I got

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Speaker 1: one word in or I don't really feel connected to

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Speaker 1: that person, But as soon as there's been an interaction

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Speaker 1: which requires reciprocation, you feel more connected in that moment.

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Speaker 1: I think there are so many different ways that we

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Speaker 1: hide behind our anxiety, that we try to cover up

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Speaker 1: how we're actually feeling in the moment, and obviously this

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Speaker 1: is something that can be habitual For me, it was

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Speaker 1: a mixture of feeling anxious in social settings where I

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Speaker 1: think I probably spoke too fast, or being nervous when

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Speaker 1: I go on to podcasts and I'm trying to make

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Speaker 1: sure I get all the things in at the right time,

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Speaker 1: and that I feel like I'm giving enough information to

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Speaker 1: people to make it worthwhile for them to listen to.

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Speaker 1: And so the faster I speak and the more things

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Speaker 1: I say, the more I felt like that was happening.

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Speaker 1: But really, this episode isn't really about the ums and likes,

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Speaker 1: even though it started out like that. It's really about

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Speaker 1: presence and a reminder that you should feel safe with

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Speaker 1: yourself even when there is nothing to say. It's about

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Speaker 1: learning that you don't need to feel the gaps to

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Speaker 1: be worthy of being part of a conversation, and to

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Speaker 1: ask yourself the question regularly when discomfort comes through in

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Speaker 1: these moments, what am I wanting them to not see

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Speaker 1: or experience about me through these silences? So I hope

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Speaker 1: this little nugget that I've been thinking about brought some

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Speaker 1: sort of thought or intentionality to your speech. In the

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Speaker 1: way that you carry yourself, in the way that you

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Speaker 1: communicate with other people.

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Speaker 2: It's definitely been.

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Speaker 1: It has definitely been difficult to work on, and I

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Speaker 1: obviously haven't perfected it yet it's been one week, but

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Speaker 1: I do think that it has created a lot more

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Speaker 1: connection in the moments when I have spoken to people

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Speaker 1: trying to disconnect from these filler words and trying to

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Speaker 1: be seen in the way that I actually am. And

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Speaker 1: so thank you so much for listening. I hope you

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Speaker 1: enjoy this podcast, and if you did, then please go

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Speaker 1: ahead and subscribe and share this beautiful podcast where we

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Speaker 1: are trying to help you go through all these little things,

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Speaker 1: from filler words to the harder things in life together

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Speaker 1: so you don't feel like you are doing it alone,

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Speaker 1: because Lord knows, life comes with its challenges, and it's

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Speaker 1: so much nicer when you can go through it with

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Speaker 1: other people.