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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is

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Speaker 1: Kat and I am your host. Couch Talks is the

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Speaker 1: special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer

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Speaker 1: questions that you guys sent to me and you can

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Speaker 1: send those two Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. Now,

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Speaker 1: before we get started, I want to give out the

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Speaker 1: quick reminder that yes, I am a therapist who is

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Speaker 1: answering questions that you guys are sending to me. And

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Speaker 1: at the same time, this does not, cannot, and does

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Speaker 1: not try to serve as a replacement for therapy or

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Speaker 1: any actual mental health services. Now we're going to get

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Speaker 1: right to the question today, and for anybody who's new,

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Speaker 1: I always keep these emails anonymous so you can feel

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Speaker 1: safe sending in whatever it is that's on your mind.

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Speaker 1: So I'm not going to say the name of who

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Speaker 1: this is coming from, but I'm going to read their

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Speaker 1: email or part of it, and we're going to get

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Speaker 1: into the question. It's about attachment today, which you guys

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Speaker 1: know that I love. Okay, when, if ever, would it

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Speaker 1: be appropriate to suggest to someone with an avoidant attachment

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Speaker 1: style that they display the behaviors associated with the attachment style,

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Speaker 1: and that it might be something worth looking into. Is

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Speaker 1: it ever appropriate to do that in a sensitive way

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Speaker 1: so as to not trigger a defensive response, or is

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Speaker 1: it something that you just hope they figure out on

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Speaker 1: their own and get helpful. Okay, So, such a good question,

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Speaker 1: such a thoughtful question, And my immediate reaction to this

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Speaker 1: is just to send out a little disclaimer and warning

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Speaker 1: that beyond the pure outside who are watching somebody else's behavior,

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Speaker 1: cannot accurately read somebody's attachment style per se. Even as

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Speaker 1: someone who operates from this lens as a mental health

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Speaker 1: professional who's been doing therapy for like ten years, it

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Speaker 1: can take me some time to figure this out all.

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Speaker 1: And it's not just about observing behavior. It also has

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Speaker 1: a lot to do with their underlying motivation and somebody's

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Speaker 1: interpretation of past experiences, which those are things that we

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Speaker 1: can't just know. And because we also see life through

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Speaker 1: our own individual filters, we all have different ways of

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Speaker 1: meaning making, so what we see on the outside may

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Speaker 1: not match what somebody else is experiencing or going through

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Speaker 1: or doing on the inside. Now that is to say

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Speaker 1: that sometimes it can be more obvious than others when

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Speaker 1: we are looking and kind of thinking about what somebody's

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Speaker 1: attachment style might be. But I would in all cases

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Speaker 1: operate from a sense of observing everything and assuming nothing

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Speaker 1: when it comes to using basic attachment theory knowledge in

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Speaker 1: our personal lives, kind of like the Instagram how you're

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Speaker 1: not supposed to type other people. I also would really

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Speaker 1: steer clear of just going for assuming people's attachment based

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Speaker 1: on our experience of them and our judgment of their

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Speaker 1: behavior and character and thoughts and feelings and relationships. We

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Speaker 1: could be right, just like you could be right typing

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Speaker 1: somebody with an angiogram, you also could be wrong, and

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Speaker 1: there could be a lot of things that you're missing.

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Speaker 1: So observe and then try not to assume. Be curious. Now,

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Speaker 1: let's just say you want to offer feedback to express

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Speaker 1: what you're observing. First, I want to bring you, guys

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Speaker 1: back to my favorite three questions that I asked before

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Speaker 1: I really give anybody advice, especially my personal life also

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Speaker 1: in therapy, but before I give a lot of feedback

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Speaker 1: or say things, I'll ask myself these questions. Pretty sure.

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Speaker 1: I talked about this last week on the podcast, or

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Speaker 1: maybe the week before but the questions are one does

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Speaker 1: this need to be said? Two does this need to

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Speaker 1: be said by me? And three does this need to

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Speaker 1: be said right now? And to get the green light

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Speaker 1: to be able to say what you want to say,

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Speaker 1: you have to say yes to all three of these questions.

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Speaker 1: Maybe it is not a yes, so yes to all

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Speaker 1: three and then you can move forward now after that,

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Speaker 1: I would also encourage anyone who's going to offer insight

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Speaker 1: like this to ask the person that you are talking

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Speaker 1: to is even open to it, because they might not

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Speaker 1: want to hear or be in a place where it

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Speaker 1: is appropriate or safe to hear feedback around something as

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Speaker 1: intimate as their attachment style and how they approach relationships

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Speaker 1: and kind of interact literally in the world. So I

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Speaker 1: would also really encourage you guys too, before you offer

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Speaker 1: something to somebody, Hey, do you mind if I are

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Speaker 1: you a little bit of feedback about something? Or Hey,

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Speaker 1: are you open to hearing something that I've kind of

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Speaker 1: observed and kind of just want to bring to your attention.

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Speaker 1: That's the first part. So I would ask that question

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Speaker 1: to the person after you said yes to all three

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Speaker 1: of the questions that you ask yourself. Now, this is

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Speaker 1: a hard question to answer generally, because there are so

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Speaker 1: many areas where it could be appropriate and also many

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Speaker 1: areas when it would not be such a good idea

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Speaker 1: to tell somebody that you think that they have an

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Speaker 1: avoidant attachment style. And we have to remember that often

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Speaker 1: somebody's avoided attachment is working for them. So if you're

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Speaker 1: trying to get someone to change their behavi your that

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Speaker 1: might be a red flag on your part. I want you,

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Speaker 1: guys to be very aware if I'm going to offer

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Speaker 1: this kind of information or feedback to somebody, why am

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Speaker 1: I doing it? Am I doing this to help them?

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Speaker 1: Am I doing this because it seems like they might

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Speaker 1: not know about this thing? Am I doing this because

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Speaker 1: I want them to change? Am I doing this for

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Speaker 1: my own personal gain? And do I even think it's

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Speaker 1: safe to offer this information for my own personal gain

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Speaker 1: right now? And one thing that I have discovered to

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Speaker 1: be so important in every relationship, not just in the

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Speaker 1: therapeutic world as I'm working with clients, is that we

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Speaker 1: really have to meet people where they're at unless they

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Speaker 1: are asking us specifically for something else. We really need

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Speaker 1: to start to really attempt to try to meet people

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Speaker 1: where they're at and if this is a dating scenario.

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Speaker 1: One thing that I stand by is that we can't

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Speaker 1: date someone's potential. We can date them where they are.

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Speaker 1: That's all we can do. And if they shift and

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Speaker 1: change and and they grow and they reach some potential

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Speaker 1: that you may be seeing them, that's awesome. But you

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Speaker 1: can't date somebody in the future, and it would be

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Speaker 1: harmful to you and that other person to date somebody

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Speaker 1: hoping that they're going to change. You might get disappointed,

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Speaker 1: they might get hurt, You might get resentful, they might

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Speaker 1: get resentful. A lot could happen when we were dating somebody.

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Speaker 1: We're dating the present human in front of us. When

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Speaker 1: we try to date somebody's potential, we really set ourselves

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Speaker 1: up kind of for a disaster. So again that goes

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Speaker 1: into like the why we might want to share this information.

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Speaker 1: If this is all for a personal gain because you

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Speaker 1: see somebody able to meet a need of yours, that

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Speaker 1: might go into how you answer those three questions I

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Speaker 1: said above. Now, with that being said, I totally think

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Speaker 1: it can be appropriate to share this. I totally think

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Speaker 1: that in certain scenarios it could be appropriate to offer

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Speaker 1: some insights, some feedback, and just like invite somebody into

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Speaker 1: learning about something new that is really really helpful in

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Speaker 1: a lot of scenarios. And one way you might do

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Speaker 1: that is just talking about how you've learned about your

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Speaker 1: own attachment, how it's helped you in whatever ways that

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Speaker 1: it has. That might just authentically and naturally bring this

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Speaker 1: to somebody's attention and they might get curious about it themselves.

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Speaker 1: They might even ask you, what do you think I am?

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Speaker 1: What have you seen in me? Where do you think

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Speaker 1: I might fit? And you might say, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I've kind of observed these things in you. I could

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Speaker 1: be off, but here are some resources that might help

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Speaker 1: you dig into it, or it might be something if

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Speaker 1: you're in therapy might want to talk to your therapist about.

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Speaker 1: We don't need to be gatekeepers with helpful information, especially

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Speaker 1: when it comes to attachment theory, but we do need

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Speaker 1: to be honest about why we are sharing the information,

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Speaker 1: saying something like, hey, oh my gosh, have you heard

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Speaker 1: about attachment theory? I just listen to this podcast on

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Speaker 1: it or read this book, and it's been super helpful

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Speaker 1: for me to understand my behaviors and create healthier habits

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Speaker 1: and boundaries for myself as well as realize my own

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Speaker 1: worthiness and relationships. That's a simple way to just open

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Speaker 1: up dialogue that might encourage, like I said, just encourage

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Speaker 1: someone to do some digging into this themselves. And it

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Speaker 1: takes away responsibility for us to say, hey, I see this,

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Speaker 1: you should do this, saying you're so avoidant you need

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Speaker 1: to do X to fix why. It's not so helpful

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Speaker 1: and I don't think that's what this person was going

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Speaker 1: to do. And that kind of feedback is not very

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Speaker 1: digestible when talking about attachments. It's really easy to demonize

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Speaker 1: and secure le neing people and it can be hard

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Speaker 1: stuff to take in. So if somebody is open to

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Speaker 1: hearing feedback about something you might have observed, we want

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Speaker 1: to make sure that it doesn't sound or feel like

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Speaker 1: we are diagnosing them with some like disgusting and curable disease.

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Speaker 1: I'll even give you a little tip that in therapy,

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Speaker 1: when I'm working with clients, often I expressed things I

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Speaker 1: observed with clients with this caveat of please let me

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Speaker 1: know if this feels way off or I could be off.

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Speaker 1: So you let me know if this feels wrong, and

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Speaker 1: then I'll go into saying whatever it is that I

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Speaker 1: might be seen or experiencing like I heard you say

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Speaker 1: X or I felt like I was experiencing you do

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Speaker 1: why And then I give that other person a thor

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Speaker 1: already to make decisions about who and what they are

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Speaker 1: for themselves. So I'm not saying this is what you are,

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Speaker 1: this is what you're doing. I say, hey, this could

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Speaker 1: be off, but from my chair, this is what I'm hearing,

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Speaker 1: this is what I'm seeing, And it might be something

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Speaker 1: we want to dig into. What do you think pretty

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Speaker 1: digestible and it's something where they can say I don't

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Speaker 1: want to touch that, or like, oh my gosh, and

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Speaker 1: that's kind of scary here, but thank you. So when

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Speaker 1: it comes to this specific person's question, yeah, it might

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Speaker 1: be appropriate to suggest to somebody, um that this might

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Speaker 1: be something that they could get a lot of help

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Speaker 1: from learning about and looking into. And at the same

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Speaker 1: time it might not be appropriate. We really have to

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Speaker 1: be honest with who we're with, who we're talking to,

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Speaker 1: and why we're talking to them about that thing. So

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Speaker 1: once you get all that information and you get really

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Speaker 1: honest about that, then you can ask those questions. There's

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Speaker 1: three questions. Does this need to be said by me?

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Speaker 1: Does this need to be said? Does this need to

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Speaker 1: be said right now? And then you get to say, hey,

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Speaker 1: are you open to hear about this? Or are you

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Speaker 1: willing to hear about this? Hey, I want to share

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Speaker 1: something that I've been experiencing, I've been learning about. Do

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Speaker 1: you want to hear about that? You might relate to

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Speaker 1: it as well. So I hope that was helpful. As always,

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Speaker 1: you guys know I can't give you direct answers to

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Speaker 1: most things, and this is no exception to that. So

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Speaker 1: if you are more interested in learning about attachment yourself,

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Speaker 1: and you're like, I listened to this whole episode and

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Speaker 1: I don't know what you're talking about type in UNI

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Speaker 1: therapy attachment, And there are plenty of episodes that we

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Speaker 1: dive into attachment theory, what it is and how it

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Speaker 1: might be helpful for us to learn more about it.

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Speaker 1: I did a series in February all about diving deeper

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Speaker 1: into attachment. I did an overview one week and then

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Speaker 1: the following two weeks, I did episodes dedicated to insecure

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Speaker 1: avoidance and insecure anxious attachment and adults. So I will

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Speaker 1: link those in the show notes that you can find

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Speaker 1: them easily. And I hope that you enjoy them and

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Speaker 1: share them. And if people are open to hearing feedback,

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Speaker 1: that's something that you might give them as a resource

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Speaker 1: to kind of start dipping their toes into the water

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Speaker 1: of learning more about attachment. So, as always, I hope

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Speaker 1: you guys have the day you need to have. I

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Speaker 1: will be back with you on Monday with a brand

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Speaker 1: new episode of You Need Therapy. And if you have

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Speaker 1: questions you want to send in, remember you can send

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Speaker 1: them to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can follow me at cat dot de Fatah and

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Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy Podcasts on Instagram and I will

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Speaker 1: talk to you very soon. Bye, guys,