1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:07,920 Speaker 1: Hey, that folks did is Saturday, April eleventh. Emphasis on April. 2 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:12,000 Speaker 1: I'm told I should be on notice. This is the 3 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,240 Speaker 1: month robok is most likely to break up with me. 4 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:19,240 Speaker 1: And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and tj. Okay, 5 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,120 Speaker 1: let's work this out. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 2: Okay, So this is the April relationship theory. 7 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 3: Had you heard of this. 8 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:30,240 Speaker 1: Before April relationship? No, you even mentioned something else about 9 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,680 Speaker 1: it that it applies to other things. That's what. What 10 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 1: are you saying? 11 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:34,239 Speaker 3: Well, there there's a. 12 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 2: This has been going on for years now on TikTok 13 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,880 Speaker 2: something a social media platform. We're not on that often, 14 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,360 Speaker 2: but it's just called the April theory, okay. Where basically 15 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 2: it's the it's the emotional new year. So they say 16 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,600 Speaker 2: it's everyone looks at January for New Year's resolutions and 17 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 2: kind of a renewal and goal setting time. But actually 18 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,920 Speaker 2: they say it's April when it really truly happens. They said, 19 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,760 Speaker 2: consider the April relationship theory to make sense like this. 20 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:07,840 Speaker 2: It's basically think of it as spring cleaning for the heart. 21 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:12,200 Speaker 1: Spring cleaning for the heart. And so you're saying, you're 22 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,880 Speaker 1: right now people are just getting around to their new 23 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,200 Speaker 1: years resolution stuff, including with their relationship. 24 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 2: Maybe well, they're just getting to the point where they say, 25 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,680 Speaker 2: is the seasons change and spring comes about. 26 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 3: You know, there is a thing. Spring cleaning is a thing. 27 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:25,759 Speaker 1: Right. 28 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:30,600 Speaker 2: You get renewed maybe by the sunnier days, the warmer temperatures, 29 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 2: and you just start to assess what's been weighing you down. 30 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 2: You came through the cold, dark winter months, and now 31 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,400 Speaker 2: you're like, all right, I'm ready to reassess where I am, 32 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:44,040 Speaker 2: maybe not just my closet, but also who I'm spending 33 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 2: most of my time. 34 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,880 Speaker 1: Okay, isn't that makes sense? Yeah, that makes sense. 35 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 3: That does to me too. 36 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 2: So they say every single year like clockwork, and we 37 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 2: wouldn't know because we're not really on TikTok. 38 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 3: But the April theory, the April relationship theory goes Wow. 39 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,200 Speaker 2: There are millions of posts and a lot of this 40 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 2: mostly is women saying the April theory is real, and 41 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 2: suddenly they decide, you know, I don't think I'm that 42 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:07,840 Speaker 2: into him anymore. 43 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. So was this happening before people online 44 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,880 Speaker 1: started telling people this needs to be happening. 45 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,919 Speaker 2: According to relationship experts, yes, it's always been a time 46 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:24,640 Speaker 2: of renewal and change and thought provoking sessions with yourself basically, 47 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,080 Speaker 2: but maybe now. 48 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 3: Collectively because we have a place to talk about it. 49 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:30,880 Speaker 2: Everyone feels seen and heard and validated and communal and 50 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 2: so yes, now it is official the April relationship theory. 51 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,840 Speaker 3: They just said, men, you're on notice. 52 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 2: This is the month where most women, if they're going 53 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,880 Speaker 2: to break up with you, they break up with you 54 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:42,799 Speaker 2: in April. 55 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,320 Speaker 1: Why excuse me? Okay, I got two things. One of them, 56 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:50,519 Speaker 1: do they have data on this based on like hashtags 57 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,080 Speaker 1: that are most popular or something around? 58 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,119 Speaker 3: I think that's what it is. It's cook well, it's 59 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,720 Speaker 3: you know, basically anecdotal. I guess it's the best way 60 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:57,080 Speaker 3: to put it. 61 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 2: And having a hashtag or a phrase at tag to 62 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:01,520 Speaker 2: it just makes it go viral. 63 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,840 Speaker 3: But I do think this makes sense because it's in April. 64 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,240 Speaker 2: They say, that's when really it starts to actually feel 65 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,440 Speaker 2: like spring, and that's when you start to feel better, 66 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 2: like mentally, you feel lighter, brighter, more hopeful, and happier, 67 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,679 Speaker 2: And all of a sudden you look over to the 68 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,640 Speaker 2: person next and you think, you know, I don't know 69 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 2: that he's improving my life or he's adding to my 70 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 2: joy and you start to actually look at things critically 71 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:29,040 Speaker 2: because you're now focusing on and maybe even making it 72 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,880 Speaker 2: a priority to focus on your happiness. 73 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:35,880 Speaker 1: And you said, someone looks over and maybe he is 74 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: weighing me down. Maybe he is the problem. Do you 75 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: ever look over and that he is looking at her 76 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: and saying, maybe she is weighing me down? Or is 77 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 1: this really supposed to be a woman to dumping the 78 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 1: man bass? 79 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 3: Mostly women dumping men. 80 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,480 Speaker 2: But here's why I would say this is true because 81 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 2: I think men could probably look over and say she's 82 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,840 Speaker 2: weighing me down any day of the week, any. 83 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 1: Hour, rib way to say it, by the way, which. 84 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 3: Point being that how many men do you know? 85 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 2: And maybe you call me out on this if you 86 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,840 Speaker 2: think I'm wrong, actually take time to do pros and 87 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 2: cons and do an emotional checking with themselves and really 88 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 2: try to evaluate what's working in their lives and what's 89 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 2: not Sure some men do it, but that would typically 90 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 2: be a female kind of thing to do. So if 91 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,800 Speaker 2: you're all hearing and seeing your sisters and your friends 92 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:22,000 Speaker 2: and everybody else saying, hey, I'm reevaluating my life from 93 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,520 Speaker 2: top to bottom, that does seem to be more of 94 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:25,640 Speaker 2: a female. 95 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 3: Thing to do. 96 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 1: I hear what you're saying, but you should give guys 97 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 1: create It doesn't look the way it looks with women. 98 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 1: We're always doing that. We're always reassessing. It's not really 99 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: a season that we sometimes wait to come around. I 100 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:43,160 Speaker 1: don't minds are different and for us maybe it doesn't 101 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: happen in April. Because you said it seems like an 102 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:50,159 Speaker 1: emotional weight, you're that thing. I think we have a 103 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: tendency sometimes guys, to just look at it all year 104 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,600 Speaker 1: long as just wait on paper. This is a problem 105 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,160 Speaker 1: that you actually list the things. We don't feel like 106 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,600 Speaker 1: we need an emotional weight lifted, but we lead like 107 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:06,480 Speaker 1: a literal, practical what's around me? I think to that point, Yeah, 108 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 1: we don't. We don't. We're always checking in, but not 109 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 1: in that way. Yeah. 110 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,680 Speaker 2: I think it's a good thing to actually think about. 111 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:15,240 Speaker 2: Men should do this too. Come April, start actually evaluating 112 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:19,839 Speaker 2: and check in with yourself and experts. Because of these 113 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 2: trends and folks saying, hey, this is actually a thing, 114 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:27,719 Speaker 2: they actually have given some relationship experts some ideas for folks. 115 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,359 Speaker 2: If you are actually wanting to do this and if 116 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 2: you want to apply the April relationship theory to your life. 117 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,520 Speaker 3: They give you ways to do it. 118 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,480 Speaker 2: And it's not about saying, oh, you should just break 119 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,360 Speaker 2: up with your boyfriend, but it's actually about assessing your 120 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,800 Speaker 2: relationship to decide whether or not you should. And so 121 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,479 Speaker 2: they say to ask yourself three things. The first thing 122 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:50,720 Speaker 2: is am I actually happy in this relationship? And that 123 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 2: should probably be a solid yes or no answer. 124 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: Wow, is there a scale? Is there a score at 125 00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: the end you're supposed to have? Because I hear that quote, 126 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 1: you know a lot of people will answer it's complicated. 127 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,719 Speaker 1: A lot of people will say, well on this day, 128 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: well when it's like this, or well if we didn't 129 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 1: have this challenge and well, and I don't know is 130 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: that a yes or no answer? 131 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,160 Speaker 2: I feel like you get a gut feeling though generally speaking, 132 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 2: are do the good times outweigh the bad? Like? 133 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 3: Do I feel happy in this relationship? 134 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,719 Speaker 2: And I think that's important to ask yourself because that 135 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 2: is the most important probably influence in your life, over 136 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,719 Speaker 2: your joy and your piece. 137 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,520 Speaker 1: You know what, I nuanced it a lot, but you 138 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,719 Speaker 1: should be able to write you should be Are you 139 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:38,280 Speaker 1: happy in a relationship? Yes? I am, But we've gone 140 00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 1: through this difficult blah blah blah. Yes I am, but 141 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,760 Speaker 1: we da da da da. I don't know. Is that 142 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,039 Speaker 1: too high of a bar? Even I asked now Robes 143 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: to have an expectation that you have yes to that answer. 144 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,200 Speaker 2: I think you should have that expectation because I think, look, 145 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,680 Speaker 2: if you're only in a relationship financially or to not 146 00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:00,599 Speaker 2: be lonely, there are just I think that you're you're 147 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 2: missing out on an opportunity to have a relationship that 148 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,920 Speaker 2: actually serves more purposes than just that. 149 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,279 Speaker 1: Well I hear it is that it's not as simple 150 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: as money or whatever it may be. Sometimes it's just, yes, 151 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,920 Speaker 1: I love this person, that happiness has run its course. 152 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 1: I care about this person. I want this person to 153 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: be Okay. We have kids we're raising together, and all 154 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 1: this I don't know is there. Sometimes I always think 155 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: that sometimes is that bar too high? And then I think, well, hell, 156 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,440 Speaker 1: yeah it should be. Why shouldn't it be? 157 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:28,880 Speaker 3: It should be? 158 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 2: And look, we've talked about this a lot, and any 159 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,280 Speaker 2: sort of mental health professional will tell you the most 160 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,880 Speaker 2: important relationship you have to have for actual happiness and 161 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 2: joy is the one you have with yourself. 162 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,400 Speaker 3: What you think about yourself. It has to start there. 163 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,040 Speaker 2: But the other person, who is with you more than 164 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:49,520 Speaker 2: anyone else, that needs to mostly add joy or at 165 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 2: least you know, if it does the opposite, if it's 166 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 2: taking away your joy, that is a huge red flag. 167 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,680 Speaker 2: So the first question, am I actually happy in this relationship? 168 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:02,560 Speaker 2: The second question is interesting, Do I feel more like 169 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 2: myself in this relationship or less? That's a scary one 170 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,560 Speaker 2: because a lot of folks and look, you can adjust, 171 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,520 Speaker 2: and I've done this, like, wait, I think I'm losing 172 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 2: part of who I am or what I love or 173 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,800 Speaker 2: what is important to me because I'm trying to do 174 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 2: everything to make this person happier, make this person like me. 175 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 2: So it's just one of those quites. Can I be 176 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 2: myself in this relationship? Or am I putting on something? 177 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 2: Am I. 178 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 1: Hike before April's out? 179 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 3: Okay? Period? All right? And number three? 180 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 2: Can we grow into the next season together? Or am 181 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,360 Speaker 2: I outgrowing this relationship? And I do like this concept 182 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:44,120 Speaker 2: of imagining the person you're with as growing with you. 183 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 2: You might not even be in the same place necessarily, 184 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:50,400 Speaker 2: but is there an idea of growing together, of learning together, 185 00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:53,720 Speaker 2: of all of that those I think those were interesting 186 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 2: questions to ask yourself. 187 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 3: Am I happy? 188 00:08:55,559 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 2: Do I feel more like myself in this relationship or less? 189 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,440 Speaker 2: And can we grow oh into the next season together? 190 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,679 Speaker 2: Or am I outgrowing this relationship? 191 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,960 Speaker 1: See? I think that's a better way. Whoever put it 192 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:06,280 Speaker 1: that way? 193 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,240 Speaker 3: A relationship expert people put. 194 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,120 Speaker 1: It in terms, and when we talk about it as 195 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:15,800 Speaker 1: outgrowing a person, you can actually outgrow a relationship. I 196 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,440 Speaker 1: think as a better and kinder way necessarily to put it, 197 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,840 Speaker 1: and that I always talk to w young folks. They 198 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: run up to you to talk about getting married in 199 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,719 Speaker 1: age and whatnot. I don't think it's I think we've 200 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,440 Speaker 1: given couples the same advice. It's not really a matter 201 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:29,600 Speaker 1: if you're too young to get married. The problem ends 202 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 1: up being you're not done becoming the individual you're gonna be. 203 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: So in four years you two might be two totally 204 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,199 Speaker 1: different people who are who would never be attracted to 205 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: each other unless you have decided you are going to 206 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,439 Speaker 1: grow together. Don't we do that? Robes and we talk 207 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 1: about this new generation is wants to be an individual. 208 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,240 Speaker 1: I don't want to contribute to a partnership. I want 209 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,680 Speaker 1: to be who I am. You have to accept me 210 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 1: who I am, this is me. All this stuff fine, 211 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,280 Speaker 1: but that takes away from right. You have to have 212 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:03,400 Speaker 1: a unit committed to growing into something. And yeah, you're 213 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 1: not going to look like you would have if you 214 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,360 Speaker 1: were off by yourself. 215 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,679 Speaker 3: It's so fascinating. 216 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:12,440 Speaker 2: I think it's I'll be so interested, And maybe we are. 217 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,760 Speaker 2: We're in a bubble here in New York where we 218 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,640 Speaker 2: know young folks who have a certain way of thinking, 219 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,680 Speaker 2: and maybe it's different in other parts of the country. 220 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,959 Speaker 2: But I will be really curious ten years from now, 221 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,040 Speaker 2: fifteen years from now, what the marriage rates are like. 222 00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:26,080 Speaker 2: I just it would not surprise me if they go 223 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 2: down significantly. 224 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 1: Oh, they're trending that way. And we're not talking divorce rates. 225 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:31,760 Speaker 3: Marriage rates. 226 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,080 Speaker 1: Folks. They're not as interested in wanting to delay it 227 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:35,040 Speaker 1: longer and longer and longer. 228 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 2: All right. So if you answered those questions and you 229 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:41,760 Speaker 2: think you know what, you don't, they're saying, don't obviously 230 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,080 Speaker 2: say oh that's it, I need to break up with 231 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,559 Speaker 2: my partner. They actually said, if you have concerns when 232 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 2: you ask yourself these questions, the next thing you should 233 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,559 Speaker 2: do is check in with your significant other. And they 234 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,439 Speaker 2: say the number one thing you have to do. I 235 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:59,200 Speaker 2: love this advice. Chat about the concerns you have with 236 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,480 Speaker 2: the relationship. Nobody these days, not nobody, but a lot 237 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 2: of folks. It's hard, it's scary, it's uncomfortable. You might 238 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 2: get rejected to actually talk about your concerns. And every 239 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 2: couple struggles with this. But they say, the more direct 240 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,600 Speaker 2: you are, the kinder it is. 241 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 3: And actually you might find a solution. 242 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,480 Speaker 2: The other person might be like, I had no idea 243 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:20,560 Speaker 2: you were feeling like this, and then you can move 244 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 2: forward together in a different way with a better understanding. 245 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,880 Speaker 3: But a lot of folks just won't even do that. 246 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,120 Speaker 2: They just check out, they don't check in because it's 247 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 2: not what they want. 248 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:35,479 Speaker 1: Brobs, this is you know, I am about these things. 249 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:39,280 Speaker 1: Things don't have to escalate. They don't just talk. We're adults, 250 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 1: grown folks. Just talk. It's one of my favorite things 251 00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:44,600 Speaker 1: I've always done with you. We were first starting our relationship, 252 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: we're wondering, in questioning and what should we do and Dad, 253 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 1: there was a lot of stuff that was twirling in 254 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,440 Speaker 1: your head and mind. All that I always said to you, 255 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:56,280 Speaker 1: ask me anything. I don't give a damn, But there's 256 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,640 Speaker 1: stakes are too high, there's too much going on, and 257 00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:02,720 Speaker 1: we you do not need to be uncomfortable at all 258 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,960 Speaker 1: with your mate when all you have to do is 259 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 1: open your mouth to get the answer you want. Yeah, 260 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,080 Speaker 1: and even if you don't like the answer, you're getting 261 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 1: an answer. Man, ask me anything. I would tell Kelble's 262 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,080 Speaker 1: to try that. Say that to your mate. Just a reminder, 263 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 1: you can ask me anything. Yeah, ask me anything. 264 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,400 Speaker 2: And then there just has to be the willingness to 265 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 2: have that radical acceptance to say okay. And that's the 266 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,440 Speaker 2: hard part to not get offended. But this is the 267 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 2: second part of that. So they encourage you be direct 268 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,240 Speaker 2: with your partner, tell them the concerns you have, even 269 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,079 Speaker 2: after doing this gut check, and then the number the 270 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,480 Speaker 2: number two thing you do after that, take note about 271 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 2: how receptive they are to fixing or addressing the problem 272 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 2: you brought up, and that will give you your answer. 273 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:50,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's and you know what, you'd be surprised when 274 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:54,800 Speaker 1: you ask or talk calmly, you probably get a better 275 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,719 Speaker 1: response than if you are yelling and screaming no, it's 276 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,440 Speaker 1: not your fall. You might be legit. People communicate differently, 277 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,440 Speaker 1: and that's ain't that always the. 278 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:04,960 Speaker 3: Yelling and screaming. 279 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 2: They would the excerpts from what I was reading would say, 280 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 2: and I think we can all say this from personal experience. 281 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 2: Comes when you bottle things up and you don't actually 282 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,040 Speaker 2: address the issues at hand, and so it always ends 283 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:16,640 Speaker 2: up coming out. 284 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 3: But sometimes it's destructive instead of constructive. And that's the problem. 285 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,680 Speaker 3: All right, when we come back, that's crazy. 286 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,600 Speaker 1: When we come back, I'm gonna tell y'all what we 287 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:29,439 Speaker 1: just did related to this exact damn thing. I did 288 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,240 Speaker 1: not know about this. I did not hear about this. 289 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: I am embarrassed. This is ridiculous. You had these tools 290 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: in hand, you had a full article, and we still 291 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:38,640 Speaker 1: having problems. 292 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 3: No, but when we come back, yeah, go ahead. 293 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:42,160 Speaker 1: Sorry. 294 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,319 Speaker 3: I actually was going in the other direction. 295 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 2: If you want to break up, if you went through 296 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,520 Speaker 2: all of this, you've done the gut check. Your partner 297 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 2: was not willing to talk about. The experts say, if 298 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 2: you're one of those women and you are joining the 299 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,840 Speaker 2: April relationship theory where you want to break up with 300 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,360 Speaker 2: you guy, they have. 301 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,720 Speaker 3: Some steps for you on how to have a healthy breakup. 302 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 2: And welcome back everyone to this April relationship Theory edition 303 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,960 Speaker 2: of Amy and DJ, we are not breaking up, but 304 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,080 Speaker 2: this is a month where a lot of women, they say, 305 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,960 Speaker 2: according to the tick tock trends, decide to make that choice, yes, 306 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,840 Speaker 2: to break up with their significant others. Not because it's 307 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,960 Speaker 2: warmer weather and they want to have a hot girl summer, 308 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,000 Speaker 2: but because they're actually starting to feel good and happy 309 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 2: and hopeful, and they look over and they think this 310 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 2: is not giving me joy. 311 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,280 Speaker 3: And instead of just. 312 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,880 Speaker 2: Doing that knee jerk reaction and just saying, let me 313 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 2: join the trend and break up with my guy and 314 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 2: start anew, it was cool to see some of these constructive, 315 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 2: step by step methods. Relationship experts were asking women and 316 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 2: of course men, to to consider first before joining this trend. 317 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: Oh okay, there's not tips on how to break up. 318 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:05,479 Speaker 2: Well, we do have that next, but I was recapping 319 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 2: where we were. I just thought it was all to 320 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 2: not necessarily just jump there, but there were actually they 321 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 2: got to ask yourself things, to ask your partner, and 322 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 2: that's what we've done, all right, And that's what we've done. 323 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 1: And now it's time to break up. 324 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,600 Speaker 3: Yes, Now, if. 325 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,920 Speaker 2: You are among apparently a growing group of women who 326 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 2: wants to now break up, they gave some great ideas 327 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 2: on how to do that, because it's hard. 328 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,040 Speaker 3: It is hard to tell someone I want to break 329 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 3: up with you, is it not. 330 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:36,720 Speaker 1: It's that conversation is rarely pleasant no matter if both 331 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 1: of you are in agreement that this is what we 332 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:38,920 Speaker 1: should do. 333 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,200 Speaker 2: It's hard, okay. So the first tip is to be 334 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,760 Speaker 2: clear and specific. Do not be vague to spare your 335 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 2: partner's feelings. 336 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,200 Speaker 1: Vague mean you need to give a reason for it. 337 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 2: You need to be specific, Yes, when this happened or 338 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 2: what I've noticed in the past X amount of months, 339 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,080 Speaker 2: And I'm just it's just not enough for me. But 340 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:01,600 Speaker 2: to actually give the person that much, I think it's 341 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 2: actually it's hard and scary, but it's actually giving that 342 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 2: person closure. You're giving them the reason why you're not 343 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,720 Speaker 2: being vague because you don't. 344 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 3: Want to hurt their feelings. You actually hurt their feelings. 345 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 1: Even more because I got questions. 346 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:16,400 Speaker 3: Go ahead. 347 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,120 Speaker 2: Is the number one thing, And they said the goal 348 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,760 Speaker 2: should not be about avoiding discomfort. 349 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 3: That's so much what we try to do. 350 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:29,800 Speaker 2: It's about avoiding the ambiguity that keeps both people stuck 351 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,720 Speaker 2: and guessing and never gives like the gift you can 352 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,960 Speaker 2: give your partner, if you truly have decided to break 353 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,680 Speaker 2: up with them, is to give them specific reasons, to 354 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 2: give them closure, and maybe even that will give them 355 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 2: motivation to work on themselves and be a better partner 356 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,480 Speaker 2: for the next relationship. 357 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, don't say that though. 358 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 2: Don't say that, don't be patronizing, but just be honest 359 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:51,440 Speaker 2: and direct. 360 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,360 Speaker 3: I like that. I never actually considered it in that way. 361 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:55,600 Speaker 3: You actually, in a weird way. 362 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 2: You're trying to not make them feel bad, but it 363 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 2: actually ends up making them feel worse and confused. 364 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 3: Like I know. 365 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,760 Speaker 2: Actually, I know so many women whose guys whatever ghosts them, 366 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:07,399 Speaker 2: drop them, and they just all they want to know 367 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 2: is why what happened? 368 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,520 Speaker 3: And they're never ever given the reason, and it might 369 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,600 Speaker 3: not even be about them. But it's kind to be 370 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:16,840 Speaker 3: direct and specific. 371 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:19,200 Speaker 1: I think you should always be right now in whatever 372 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:22,040 Speaker 1: you've been waiting to ask your partner. I'm just I'm 373 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,879 Speaker 1: of that theory. I understand, and some people have to understand. 374 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,919 Speaker 1: Folks are just different. It's not that easy for everyone. 375 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,919 Speaker 1: It's just we are. We just don't have time. We 376 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,920 Speaker 1: don't have time to mess around. I mean, rogues. What 377 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 1: happened in the world h that it's health what anything 378 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,639 Speaker 1: could happen any day. Why am I delaying any moment 379 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,720 Speaker 1: of improving my life, my home, my situation, my happiness 380 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,560 Speaker 1: by just having a conversation with somebody who might really 381 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,919 Speaker 1: be willing to have the same conversation with me. So 382 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: I do like what you said that first time. That's 383 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,120 Speaker 1: why I stopped you. I said, wait when you give 384 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,399 Speaker 1: specifics what happens in that conversation, because it sounds like 385 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 1: your immediately are going to then be hit with, well, 386 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,880 Speaker 1: I'll fix that. I didn't know this is the first 387 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 1: time you've told me, well, just give me time. I 388 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:06,359 Speaker 1: can fix that. I can make it happen. 389 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,440 Speaker 2: And that probably will happen if your partner wants to 390 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,920 Speaker 2: stay in the relationship. But hopefully that all occurred when 391 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,439 Speaker 2: you had that conversation before you decided to break up 392 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,159 Speaker 2: with them, because the the what the experts urge is 393 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 2: to have the conversation first, take a beat. If you 394 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,080 Speaker 2: do want to break up with them, then just be 395 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,959 Speaker 2: specific about why and be clear and just say this 396 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,159 Speaker 2: isn't me trying to get you to change. 397 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 3: This is actually me saying it's not working for. 398 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,439 Speaker 1: Me any It was just April eleventh. I didn't know 399 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: I had this many more days to survive. 400 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,280 Speaker 2: Once you get that tough conversation out of the way 401 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 2: and the breakup is over. The other big bit of 402 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:43,119 Speaker 2: advice that experts say, don't rush back to dating apps 403 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,159 Speaker 2: or be quick to replace the relationship, because you're going 404 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:50,600 Speaker 2: to find yourself repeating patterns until unless you actually take 405 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,880 Speaker 2: time to reconnect with parts of yourself that you may 406 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,520 Speaker 2: have lost in the relationship. 407 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,280 Speaker 1: Okay, now the patterns, oh man, like, I was actually 408 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,080 Speaker 1: thinking about we need to do a follow up episode 409 00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:06,119 Speaker 1: tomorrow because I have a whole new thought about the 410 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,919 Speaker 1: idea of patterns. Right, the idea of patterns. You're not 411 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,680 Speaker 1: with somebody because that person wasn't doing something for you. 412 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:17,800 Speaker 1: The patterns thing almost sounds like it's signaling you're making 413 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 1: bad choices. 414 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,199 Speaker 2: Well, and you know what, I think part of that 415 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,560 Speaker 2: is true, because yes, we can. 416 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,280 Speaker 3: There are just people who don't belong together. 417 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,399 Speaker 2: There are just people who you know, I do believe 418 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 2: there's a reason season for some relationships. And it doesn't 419 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 2: mean that the other person's a bad person. It's just 420 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,600 Speaker 2: not the right fit. But the truth is, you also 421 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,840 Speaker 2: have to examine yourself and actually really find out what 422 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,160 Speaker 2: it is you do want animate And so many folks say, 423 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,840 Speaker 2: take the time when you end a relationship to write 424 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,440 Speaker 2: down what you want in a relationship, what you want 425 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,680 Speaker 2: from somebody, and then when you actually go back out 426 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 2: into the dating world, you'll know not only what you need, 427 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,640 Speaker 2: but what you don't need. And that is super helpful 428 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,399 Speaker 2: in fi the one and finding the person who you 429 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:05,240 Speaker 2: do want to work hard for to spend the rest 430 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:05,680 Speaker 2: of your life with. 431 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,840 Speaker 1: Can you share your list with me when we get 432 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,080 Speaker 1: off Sure, okay, thank you. 433 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 2: But I just thought, look this April relationship theory. When 434 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,640 Speaker 2: I was reading what so many folks were just offering 435 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 2: in terms of advice, folks who study this and know 436 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,879 Speaker 2: a lot more than we do about relationships and what 437 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,600 Speaker 2: makes us tick, I was thinking people actually really did this. 438 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,920 Speaker 2: It might save some relationships versus ending them. So maybe 439 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:34,040 Speaker 2: it can be a renewal and a rebirth with the 440 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,880 Speaker 2: person who maybe you were not tolerating or not considering 441 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:39,720 Speaker 2: in a way that you can now have a refocused 442 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:44,600 Speaker 2: effort with. So anyway, whatever type of relationship you're in, 443 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,040 Speaker 2: we hope you have a wonderful season of renewal. 444 00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:48,719 Speaker 3: On this. 445 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,479 Speaker 2: I love some of these headlines. I was telling you 446 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,800 Speaker 2: everyone is breaking up in April. The real emotional New 447 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,920 Speaker 2: Year is now. April isn't just a month, It's a mood. 448 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,680 Speaker 2: I do like anytime we can have a reason to reset, 449 00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:05,359 Speaker 2: and hopefully this did this for some of y'all. So 450 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,440 Speaker 2: thank you as always for listening to us. I'm Amy 451 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 2: Robot alongside TJ. 452 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 3: Holmes. We will talk to you soon.